#I was in so much pain for so damn long

[tea-with-eleni]

...wait. so.

back in high school, I played viola. I love a viola, because I am a contralto/countertenor and I love the special snowflake clef and I am the kind of person naturally predisposed to being a support class. However, it caused some mysterious injury to my shoulder: it clicked out of place, it hurt, almost constantly. I was in pain, almost constant pain, for years but viola was also my sole extracurricular because it took up so much time and I needed it for college.

My parents never took me to a doctor because my dad is an optometrist. As such, he feels that he is a good general doctor for most things. When it comes to most common childhood ailments, like strep throat, he actually is pretty decent. His verdict on my shoulder was that any doctor would connect it to some nearly-unnoticeable scoliosis I apparently have (only visible on an xray and only if you deliberately look for it) and surgery would be the only solution.

No. My shoulder joint is just apparently a lot more mobile than it should be. It was falling out of socket. When I finally HAD to go to a doctor for college vaccines and all but screamed that I wanted to be FIXED PLEASE, their verdict was that a few weeks of physical therapy would sort it out. Which it mostly did; the worst of the pain was gone within four weeks. It took a few years for the rest of the pain to fade and now, ten years later, I get ghosts of it sometimes when I'm stressed. It still clicks out of place, but I also don't play viola anymore because the idea of the pain returning scares me. That's all.

I can't be mad that my parents missed the ADHD or probable autism; I'm low support needs. I can be absolutely bloody furious that I spent years in pain because of my dad. And it was bad. I assumed I was just bad at viola, I assumed I was doing something wrong, I modified the way I held the instrument so it rested on bone, I switched to violin just to get some relief even though it caused a bit of an identity crisis and I can't read treble clef. I spent years in terror that surgery was the only thing that could fix me.

Okay, but now I connect the dots that all of this might STILL be part of the autism thing because of how hypermobility is often linked to autism, I'm just on the low support needs end of the spectrum for all of that shit...

Fucking crying again.

[luck-of-the-drawings]

so REVENGE, HUH? or justice, if that makes you feel better. it tastes the same when cooked just right. 'I REALLY WANTED A BROTHER.' such a shame to burn a bridge you so desperately wanted to keep, especially when it wasnt even you who started the fire. especially when you hope that not a single fragment of that bridge ever washes ashore.[MAY IT ROT FAR FROM MY SIGHTS] an unfortunate loss! atleast he has his friends.

[gatzbright]

[october] one year of togetherness.

@/dreamsecretclub: dteam Christmas won’t be happening unfortunately, thought I’d say before that way Christmas can still be great :) totally out of our control unfortunately, can’t wait for the future still :)) 2022 incoming ♥️♥️

Dream: I'm gonna expose George's feelings on his behalf ... He was just saying, he was like, 'I think I'm depressed', and we were like 'What do you mean?' and he was like, 'I don't know. I don't do anything, and no one's here, and I just wanna come to the US'. And Sapnap was like, 'Well, what if I came to the UK?' and George was like, 'You should'. And then Sapnap went and filed for his passport the next day.

Dream: Because George hasn't got his visa yet, Sapnap's going to the UK. Sapnap: Fine. I'll go. [Dream Team laughs] Dream: So, unfortunately, Sapnap's getting the first George hug. [George Laughs] Sapnap: I'm getting the first George hug.

Dream: I feel like if George isn't here by, like—I wanna be like, 'Well, next month'. I feel like if George isn't here by September, my like, mental health will take a dive. Massively. And that sounds like, fucked, but it's one-hundred percent true.

Dream: You will see the fact that George, um—George's reaction to seeing me ... We said when he got his visa he could FaceTime me, so, stuck to the plan. Not saying anymore because you have to wait for the meetup video.

Dream: You sure you don't want to wait to see me in person? George: I'm ready. I've got my camera set up—I'm all ready to go! Dream: I guess I just, I wasn't expecting this. I'm gonna go look in a mirror and make sure I don't look like trash. I'll be right back! George: [laughs] Okay ... Oh my god.

George: After years of waiting, I was finally going to America.

Sapnap: Dream? Dream: Yeah? Sapnap: Clay? Dream: Oh god. Sapnap: I brought him. He's here. You excited? Dream: I am ... very nervous. Sapnap: Nervous but excited. Dream: I'm nervous, but I'm excited! I'm doing excited hops. Sapnap: It's a big day—an exciting day! ... Take your time. This is big stuff. He's going to be living here forever.

@/GeorgeNotFound: Just met Dream!! :)

“This doesn’t even feel real,” George says in the video — a sentiment he reiterates to Variety when asked about how he felt in the moment. “The sun was directly behind him, and it was blinding me, and he had an aura about him.” 

George: It's so bright, I can't even see you. You're like a—you're like a god with the sun behind you!

George: I guess I gotta go get my bags in, and time to live in the Dream House. Dream: The Dream Team House!

@/GeorgeNotFound: why didnt you post the one where you actually kissed me?

dream @/dreamwastaken: just felt better leaving things up for larger interpretation

George: Look it's Dream, and Sapnap. It's all of us!

Dream: [softly to George] Rise and shine. We're home.

Hypnotised, Delta Goodrem | Dream's secret George photos in smile hoodie, Deleted @/dreamwastaken Tweet | Dream Priv Tweet,@/dreamsecretclub | The Collector, John Fowles | Dream Team Minecraft Skins | Dream Discord Podcast, Dream Merch Server | Our first selfie :], @/GeorgeNotFound Tweet | Sapnap Tiktok with George, @/Sapnapvids | Fortnite w/Dream and George, SapnapAlt VOD | Waiting for Godot, Samuel Beckett [Used Many Times] |  You Laugh You Lose With George, Sapnap VOD | Dream Discord Podcast, Dream Merch Server | The Trial, Franz Kafka | George Visa Tweet, @/GeorgeNotFound | Dream Twitter Space, @/dreamwastaken | October Passed Me By, girl in red | George Visa Selfie, @/GeorgeNotFound | I Met Dream In Real Life, GeorgeNotFound [Used Many Times] | There It Goes, Maisie Peters | Dandelion Wine, Gregory Alan Isakov | Electric Touch (feat. Fall Out Boy) (Taylor's Version) (From The Vault), Taylor Swift | Coastline, Hollow Coves | George Tweet, @/GeorgeNotFound | Dream and George Interview, Rachel Seo, Variety | Dream Deleted Tweet Photos, @/Dream | George Tweet Reply,@/GeorgeNotFound | Dreamland, Glass Animals | Photograph of Dream and George during the Foodbeast's Panel at Twitchcon San Diego, @/itsjusttai_ | Dream Team Christmas – Baking Cookies, Sapnap VOD | fallingforyou, The 1975 | Dream Team Christmas – Gingerbread Houses, GeorgeNotFound VOD | Dream Tweet Reply, @/dreamwastaken | It's Not Living (If It's Not With You), The 1975 | just got back from hospital..., GeorgeNotFound VOD | Home, Gabrielle Aplin | Dream and George on set: Everest – Dream & Yung Gravy BEHIND THE SCENES, Dream Music | Dream Snapchat Video, @/Dream | Frankenstein, Mary Shelley

[shadyvoidhologram]

I was laying in bed overthinking, as you do, and started to go on a depressive doom spiral. And then, to distract myself I started thinking about the things I like.

[Spoilers and some gross details incoming, you know what Mouthwashing is about]

So, eventually I started thinking about Curly being in a similar headspace as I was, laying down, incapable of doing anything, constantly in pain and hearing time and time again how quickly things are going to shit and that it's all your fault.

Him replaying his mistakes over and over on his head, imagining the many ways things could've gone a different way if only he had done something instead of ignoring the issues to "keep the peace".

Remembering every interaction that led to the accident, Anya's confession, his friends poorly disguised resentment, him ignoring and filtering details of his crew's mental state, her taking the gun, the notice, Jimmy.

Him being a coward and disguising his hate of confrontation with the guise of being a good friend.

And then comming back to reality, to is burning flesh. To the blood, shit and bile staining the bandages, robe and bed, to watching and hearing his friends suffer and die, unable to do anything.

When the kid dies, in the midst of all the emotional chaos, he feels some sick sense of relief knowing that probably Swansea will deal with both of them quickly and it'll be over at last.

Then Jimmy finds the gun.

And he can't help but laugh. He remembers the conversation they had and he cackles bitterly because not even in death can her wishes be respected. She trusted him and he failed her even after she was gone.

Soon enough it's just the two of them left.

Through muffled ears he hears Jimmy rambling, talking to himself, asking questions and answering right after, he sees him moving the bodies around. When Jimmy carries him from the infirmary to the common room table he's still as stone, not a sound leaves his mouth, he doesn't look at the bodies thrown on the chairs around the table, he doesn't even breathe.

But all of Jimmy's attention, hatred, idolatry, and envy are on him only. Eyes glossy, cut pieces of a one sided conversation and a tentative smile on his lips when he reaches for the slightly dented knife.

He screams until his lungs close and his throat burns. When he's fed parts of himself he cries and throws up until he is forced to swallow and keep it down.

He's dehidrated, half delirious from the blood loss and emotionally checked out when Jimmy picks him up and tells him they can still fix this, he knows what to do. That he's going home.

Sure, he thinks, he wants to go home.

When he's placed on the cryopod he just stares at Jimmy talk to himself at him some more, about being heroes and everything being all right now. Then he steps out of sight.

It's on the silence after the loud bang when his brain starts working again, he's completely and utterly alone on a crashed ship of a company that's closing it's doors, with a now depleted shipment that wasn't even important enough to guarantee a search party, and no way of fending for himself in the case of 20 years passing and no one coming, even less if the power gave out before that.

As the cryopod finally starts to cool, the few tears he has left fall from his remaining eye.

He hopes he doesn't wake up to see what happens next.

..ok see y'all when I wake up-

[sysig]

Wake up somewhere better, maybe (Patreon)

[catzgam3rz]

If ur still taking dino requests please consider the oviraptor, my misunderstood king

THE misunderstood king, we stan

unrelated but I could not for the life of me find a breed name for the rooster I used as a reference so I guess it's just the default American chicken????

[lord-squiggletits]

"Rodimus is a better Prime because it didn't hurt for him to bond with the Matrix while for Optimus it did" headcanon/theory my beloathed.

One day I'm literally gonna snap and make a whole post addressing why what's wrong bc I'm tired of the inaccuracy and tired of ppl not understanding the Point TM of IDW and its version of the Matrix/Primacy and even more tired of people putting down Optimus in favor of Rodimus by essentially arguing that being unworthy means you deserve to be punished/put in pain bc you just weren't good enough to hold the Symbol of Ultimate Authority

[circus-k]

i think i have to kill someone.

[derpinette]

i have a weird relationship with weight because i hated eating more than anything the moment i was ready for solids ( i hate chewing with my entire life always have & will ) which made me underweight for most of my life ( to this day ) & during late primary-middle school this made me actively suicidal because i felt like something was wrong with my sex because i just was not developing whatsoever prompting me to have a years long phase of trying to gain weight in any way i could ( #EPICFAIL by the way ) & i was already insecure but i felt seriously so unforgivably ugly after bullying not just at school but by adults of my entourage. but then i did in my late 15s which prompted the pendulum to swing in the other direction & suddenly i FREAKED OUT & thought well being skinny is pretty much all i have & know myself to be & clearly it is not going to last forever so i Better preserve it i was delusional about how skinny i thought i was actually i look stumpy & weird i have to prove myself. But now i am normal again kind of

[l0rd-0f-c0ws]

I frequently feel completely isolated no matter how much I talk to people. So that's fun

[puhpandas]

fleshing out tttb chap 16 more (its about mike and gregory a LOT) and man. it fits so perfectly with the next arc. i think i fixed the pacing issues i was worried about. lets go dude. i was alwyas worried about how i was gonna do their relationship but i think i got something im happy with

[nexus-nebulae]

i love that my physical therapist has told me exactly Why I'm getting so much pain and how to fix it (nerves getting trapped in too tight muscles) but man i hate that fixing the problem (stretches and massaging around the trapped nerve) takes So Long and so much patience

[nardaviel]

oc wants meme

I'm just gonna do this for Sora and Sam, my main guys. Listen, it's a bad pain day and talking about my OCs cheers me up

Sora Yumura

His faceclaim is Miura Haruma, when he had longer hair. The first pic is The Sora pic. My Photoshop skills aren't that good but that's as good as they're going to get, and I think it gets the idea of what he looks like across. But the second one is an extremely Sora facial expression.

Description: Tall, a little too skinny, but well-dressed and strikingly attractive, with wavy green hair and observant grey eyes in a clever face. A lot of poise, a lot of charisma, witty but respectful. All of that is a mask and he is really hoping you're taken in by his facade of functionality, but it is convincing as hell. Even dazzling, at times, if he needs to really turn on the bright lights. So almost everyone falls for it, in the end. His (rich) parents died when he was young and he was raised by his (incredibly rich) aunt and uncle, who were emotionally abusive, although he would say that that's an exaggeration. His little cousin is like a brother to him, and he protected him from his aunt and uncle as best he could, but that didn't stop him from getting the fuck out of Japan entirely as soon as he could leave for university. (There were other reasons and other traumas behind that too, but this isn't Sora's entire life story lol.)

What do they say they want? (i.e., what are the desires they put out into the world and have no trouble admitting)

Sora wants the top job. He won't be crass enough to actually say that to you, but his ambition is clear enough if you're in a position to look at his education and employment choices. He wants what's best for his loved ones, of course, which will always include his little cousin Ibushi, and depending on time period may also include Sam and his children, if he has any in the AU in question. He is likely to downplay how serious he is about that, however, and he won't mention his small circle of close friends, whose safety and well-being he is just as intense about. (But if their well-being is actually at issue, you may find yourself surprised by his complete 180 from charming and diplomatic to grim and uncompromising and ruthless.)

In all honesty, Sora isn't very open with most people about how he feels or what he wants. Aside from really surface-level stuff ("I'd kill for a coffee"), this is about all you're going to get.

What do they think they want? (i.e., what are the desires they keep hidden and only admit to their closest loved ones)

He wants to keep his loved ones safe and happy, and to them he'll admit that he'll do a whole lot to make that happen. He wants to believe his parents would be proud of him. He wants to be able to use his power to make a positive difference, but also to advance his personal interests, and he doesn't feel particularly bad about the second one. He wants to crush all his competition and see the looks on their pathetic faces when they realize he's beaten them, but he wants no one else to even notice anything has happened, because it's more satisfying that way. He wants to raise his children differently from how he was raised.

What do they actually want? (i.e., what is something they subconsciously need, but either do not realize or cannot admit)

Sora wants to feel safe. He hasn't felt safe since his parents died and he went to live with his aunt and uncle, which means in most AUs he doesn't remember ever feeling that way, and in the others it's a faint, hazy memory and he kind of suspects he made it up. He doesn't think in those terms, though, which is a shame because it's behind a lot of his decision-making. As time passes, he will start to experience transient moments of safety with Sam, and as he gets older, the omnipresent sense of danger will decrease some. That's about the best he's gonna get, but he'll still be grateful for it, without being able to name what it is.

Sam Quinn

He doesn't have a picture. :C I'm sorry, Sam. He is also @vashtijoy's OC as much as he is mine but I am writing about him nonetheless.

Description: Very tall giant man, with fluffy golden hair and hazel eyes that are quick to brighten with amusement. Otherwise, they're calm and thoughtful. Sensual lips, either a skinny nerd frame or an intimidatingly muscled frame depending on which AU he comes from. He's the middle child of a normal and loving middle-class family in London (unless the AU dictates that he is a medieval peasant instead, but he remains the middle child of a loving family). His curiosity and cleverness have often gotten him into Oxford, but also often gotten him into trouble. I wish you could be less interested in explosions, Sam.

What do they say they want? (i.e., what are the desires they put out into the world and have no trouble admitting)

Sam wants to learn things! He wants to study, read books, go to interesting places, and build his professional life around learning and discovery. He often ends up as an academic, and sometimes a teacher. He is often grabbed by a new interest and gets sucked into it for a bit, and he will definitely tell you everything he hopes to find out about it. He wants to be able to help his siblings take care of his parents when they get old. He wants to do good and help the less fortunate, especially once he marries into Soras $100mil+ family (which is only a family once he marries into it; it was just Sora until that point, alone with his parents' inheritance).

What do they think they want? (i.e., what are the desires they keep hidden and only admit to their closest loved ones)

He wants a family. He's always the reason they have kids. Sora loves their children and is a devoted father once they have them, but he only agrees to adopt (or find a surrogate, or use whatever magical gay-parent baby method is available) because having children means so much to Sam.

He also wants to be open about their relationship, when being closeted is often important to Sora's career, and so Sora has to make a decision about what to prioritize. (The answer is Sam. He chooses Sam. But it's genuinely difficult for him.) Sam doesn't ever ask him to make that choice, but when Sora pushes, he will admit that being closeted makes him sad.

You might be getting the impression that Sam is less of a complicated tangle of needs and wants and impulses than Sora. You're right! Sora is *gestures* like he is, and Sam is not like that.

What do they actually want? (i.e., what is something they subconsciously need, but either do not realize or cannot admit)

He wants a community. A family with Sora and children is probably the best way to make this happen, but in other AUs it's been Sora and a few friends they often see and trade with. He just needs a little group of people around him. Like Sora, he isn't really aware of this innermost need. He just thinks he wants kids because he wants to be a dad, which is also true.

Sam just doesnt thrive when he's alone, even if he's in the middle of a city. That's not a community; he needs something tight-knit, where he's respected for who he is as a person and what he can contribute. (In some AUs, that's another answer to this question. He wants someone to see him and think he's not broken just because he's curious and asks questions.) ...Gotta say, though, all of this causes a lot fewer problems than Sora's constant the-alarm-is-broken sense of being in danger does.

Sora does poorly when he's alone as well, although he doesn't need a community in the same way. He needs people who are his, and who he belongs to in turn. The best way to make him feel safe is to make him feel protected. So although their wants are different, they harmonize, inasmuch as Sora's desperate, clawing, wailing sense of danger can harmonize with anything.

[sysig]

I know you, a little to the left (Patreon)

[lith-myathar]

.

[running-in-the-dark]

well I can already tell this is gonna be a bad night

today has just been fucking weird and hard. I'm in a bad mood. everything feels bad. (probably not helped by me not taking the new antidepressant last night so I wouldn't sleep all day)

the plan was for my friend to come over this weekend to help me pack. she did that last time and it helped a lot. (my husband could help, obviously, but he's in charge of other things that also need to get done. plus he's very bad at putting things into boxes.)

but the rail strike is still going on so it's likely that she won't be able to get here (or get back in time). so now that's suddenly a lot more stressful and the one thing that I thought would make it go okay is gone.

and I also have to like. at least reread my thesis a few times or whatever to study for the oral exam on Friday. which will make me want to die. because it is bad. so. that will be bad. and the thought of being asked questions about that piece of garbage for 30 fucking minutes is so horrifying that I genuinely do not know if I will be able to get through it without taking my Lorazepam beforehand (which I know is a horrible idea, and my psychiatrist told me twice that it's a bad idea, and I know it would just make me unbelievably stupid. but holy shit that is the scariest thing I can imagine.)

and of course instead of doing anything useful I'm now just sitting here feeling like shit (like last night, only worse)