#I just am having a no good v bad day
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I’ve spent my whole night crying and just want some love.
#I just am having a no good v bad day#and one of my work clients pushed me over the edge#and made me sob for hours#and I have a massive headache and feel so sad#I feel like I didn’t take my meds last night but I did#I’ve just been overworked pushed past my breaking point#and I had to talk during a meeting and pretend like I wasn’t sobbing#which didn’t go well#and everyone knew I was crying#which isn’t v bad bitch of me#and baby won’t be home until 3:00 am#and my friend’s phone isn’t working for some reason#and my anxiety is worried about her#and I just#it’s too much
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#aye. in another life i would have loved to be an illustrator#i dont like to do digital tho and i dont wanna b a starving artist and i like science too much#but it would make me so hsppy if i was allowed to draw all day everyday#forever and ever drawing#but nooo i wanted to get a phd in microbial evolution. and im procrastinating working on my preproposal#literally doing anything to not work on it. i coulf have been a illustrator. an endocrinologist. a neurobiologist. a paleontologist. but i#chose microbial ecologist then thought no fuck ecology and went for photosynthetic mechanisms#bc i do love my lil cyanos and i do love Microbiology. i love those underapprecated lil guys#the world is so big and beautiful and all i wanna do is understand. but my stupid brain doesnt work right and ive burried my wonder for so#long i wonder if ill ever have it back. i was reading a bunch of lil notes i wrote this semester and i go from#everything is so beautiful i cant stand it. there are angels in the sunbeams and they feel like healing. to im the world around me is#warping beyond my control. i cant feel any joy. my head is sending me terrible ideas but im not even scared. it feels inevitable#but last week i was so full of energy i couldnt sleep. nothing changed but the chemicals in my head#hopefully next semester will b better and i can stop feeling like damaged goods and feel bad fro my advisor#for having to deal with me. hes v nice and has a bip0lar brother so he's sympathetic but i wish he didn't have to b#i want to stop fantasizing about being something else and just focus on being better at what i am#but im such a pathological perfectionist that its so difficult to make any progress. but whatever ive been feeling alright for the#past week or so. hopefully that carries through. and maybe somedsy i can illustrate something for my precious baby cyanobacteria#unrelated
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kate! this may be a weird question but how did you decide you wanted to do law and which law school to go to? im so confused with what i want to do and would appreciate any advice ❤️
nice try feds
#i kinda of knew i wanted to do law. i was v good a legal studies in hs. i was v good at English. i took AP english.#so the stars kinda aligned for me. i also associated law with these romantic and unrealistic conceptions which helped me really work for it#as for law school- NICE TRY FEDS (sorry bb im not comfortable disclosing which uni im a student of while im still studying#totes not anything on your part- there are just a lot of weirdos online and i think its bad online hygiene to do that lmAO#though i will say this: when i got my offers it was between the uni im attending and the university of st andrews.#i am still v much obsessed with st andrews and i hope i can do post grad there one day. the 2 major problems were:#st andrews doesnt actually have law. i was gonna do international relations then law- thats how bad i wanted it lol#anyway the real roadblock was that my mother spends like 8 months of the year in the UK and thats too fucking close to Scotland#and bb kate would have killed herself etc.#you just need to find the middle ground between what you love and what youre good at
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#sorry sorry I just woke up and im having yesterday-was-weird thought again#and they are going here so i don't have to talk to the person that they're um about yet#basically im glad that im in a good enough space now that um#someone ive ive had text-based sex with and uhhh sent an ill-advised video to in like oct when i was Feeling Bad™ and doing. hm. too much.#like 6 months post text-based sex/ill adised video now aha and we've not spoke at all since like january and that was 'how was hols'#they asked to meet up 'not for sex just as friends' or i forget exact wording but basically that#no-pressure museum not-a-date#and i said I'd think about it. because i am as everyone knows a fucking idiot.#basically im glad that im in a better place now than the last time someone like expressed an interest in me as a person#because while this did give me a day long wobble i didn't have a full weekend long actual panic about it#tho they are two v different situs#an ace poly friend asking to go out with me vs someone i uh virtually fucked aha um asking to meet up for (mostly) being-friends purposes#same several-hours-later 'oh god no what have i done bad bad bad no thank you actually no sorry i cant sorry' but less intense this time#but at least i only said ill think about it?#and not actually immediately said yes because it's nice to feel wanted#and then gone Maximum Regret™ because actually all of this is way too much i don't like it i don't want it thank you but im sorry no#weird. i guess i don't have such a high baseline stress level any more? since i'm not at uni n stuff#and someone over messages going no pressure you want to be irl friends (maybe fwb no pressure)? is um#is different. to someone irl going you want to go out acely? yeah? awesome lets hold hands here is the discord with a whole buncha people#i guess#but i am being equally aro-not-super-ace Autism™ about it aha#and i am. eventually. going to be like. thought about it and no sorry. eventually.#if they ask again#i am kinda hoping they'll leave it there and forget they asked so i don't have to navigate social stuff#im much better at navigating canals everybody leave me alone please thank you#(everybody over there leave me alone. y'know. you guys are fine.)
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once again i am on the playlist lol
#just me hi#my strange brain concoctions back at it again lmfsh#i've been workin on it by bits and bits for the past 2-3ish days and i think i've almost got what i mean hfvbs#yea... mnmnm...#//outta the Lagoons into the Blues !! what a transition hkfshv#i mean i Have found that i actually really really like the shampoo we've been using for like 5 years hghfsv#but also i've had to switch from that one to a different one anyway cuz my hair? is grezy ghfbshv#it Is soft now though which is cool :D cuz the old soap didn't get it quite well and i was using dish soap sometimes to strip it so Lmao#which btw the dish soap worked p well. however it Did feel stripped kgfhsv#/what else what else uuum#i've developed more world stuff for pi.e which is also very epic and neat ; like the 3 Cities + radiation towns + Sanctuary cities +#Sanctuary zones + how they interact w/ each other lol :)#i have these weird lil creatures that i'm calling Rascals rn but i think they need a different name pfshv#and also cuz i made the general world bigger that means i have defined more of the plot just by. scribbling some points for towns on paper#yea :D this thing is maybe just a little bit daunting but i'll prolly get it figured out lol ; roman 3#/oh i Do really wanna draw more pi.e stuff to post hfh :>#cuz despite it all i am still v shy abt my stuff and that's kinda silly so !!#/sometimes my brain gets into these weird paper jams where i'm doing one thing but then i see and wanna do another thing (easy transition ?#but then i see another thing and then another and now i have 4 different things and i feel bad just focusing on just one because. ??? ????#when i was little i used to humanize objects Just before they were thrown away and i think that sort of carried over in a weird way bfhsvgj#balance in all things !! wait no not like that w-#//oh wait wait did i ever mention i learned to make stir fried rice w/ egg#prolly not that big of a deal but i'm STILL happy abt that lol :D#maybe especially cuz i was doing most of the cooking while my picky-cook brother was helping and he thought it was good so like YAY#though tried to make it a second time and i let my ma put the salt in the pot and she oversalted it by Far TwT#it was fine though just really salty lol :)#//mnm also getting into classic vehicles a lil bit#just a bit! cuz i don't know where to start and i just really like that one bike i doodled a bit ago#also i'm a bit spooked that my dad will find out and he is Overwhelming when he finds you might like smth he knows smth abt gfvsgh <3#//Oh i'm outta tag space pfshgv - Toodlesssss ciao :3
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So I reached the hacked chat era of the route
#prince's gaming tag#where V's route had it that way bc seven shut down the og chat and ray made a duplicate and made us join it#with this route saeran cut off our connection with the rest of the members so i can only speak to him#can i just say i forgot how creepy his emojis and text bubbles are. playing this at night with the lights off kinda scared me ngl#but this is bc im a weak to horror in video games. cant play them by myself at night without being scared#also love how obsessed he is with me its so funny#'ooh you're such an airhead and your scent stinks. imma keep you locked in this room and the only person youll see is me'#'you'll starve in that room unless i say so. Oh! imma install a camera so i can watch you 24/7'#'you should entertain me princess you're only still here bc of me'#'such an airhead and a loser you should be lucky i keep you around for entertainment you toy'#like rika brought up a good point saeran. if i am such an airhead why not get rid of me? why did you tell her not to do that?#your actions arent matching up and i know why#im in your head boy you cant escape me im all you think about. ill give you another day to realize it#were i not in the genre this game is sure id be scared shitless but i know what's what and im playing the long game (speaking as the MC)#off topic i know its bc itd would be weird game wise for saeran to not have emojis but the fact he made some for his bad boy side lololol#like prepare for every situation i guess
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someone really should be talking about how difficult it is to plan a wedding - a gay wedding - when both of your families fucking suck
#who is talking about this!!!! let me know#idk i have 0 expectations for my family but they still somehow always manage to let me down which#i was anticipating#and i didn’t think i would care because i have never cared before#but liiiiiike.#i wasn’t expecting to feel sad rofl but my family is so fucking flaky. again i KNOW THIS i know i cannot rely on any of them#it’s annoying when i have given them a year and a half to make plans and i have had so many people tell me they would be there#just to back out or ghost or come up with some excuse#like do you know how expensive weddings are 😭 JUST fucking be honest with me and rsvp no#anyway i was very intentional with the few family members i did invite#and specifically invited people i have a rapport with / had a good (ish lol) relationship with growing up#people i have bent over backwards trying to please!!! and dropping everything to help them out#and they can’t even be bothered to communicate with me lol it’s fine. like. i do feel like it’s internalized homophobia at this point#or maybe they have hated me this entire time which is totally plausible#but they KNOW how much ayesha means to me and knows that no one from her family is coming to our wedding#at the end of the day it’s going to be like. 5 people from my family 1 from ayesha’s (her brother) and like 30-40 friends#which i am so grateful for obviously#i sound like such a brat but it’s also like - watching your family continuously choose drugs/alcohol over showing up for you - lol#AGAIN i’m used to this and expected as much but i’m still feeling bad#just rsvp so i can move on with my life please. stop telling me you’re trying to make it work when we both know you aren’t#i have so much more to say but i’m going to sound crazy even though i knooooow it is homophobia like i Know it#i think there are certain people i will finally go no contact with for good after this#which is a freeing thought but i only invited v few family members to begin with. there’s abt to be no one left lmao#probably for the best#ugh whatever#again i can’t help but feel a certain way when they have done more/traveled further for relatives they hardly know#meanwhile i was forced to spend so much of my life living for these people and for them alone#AAAAAAAA i just want to scream#text
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Christ I wish I had been given a better heads-up abt what iud insertion entailed. If you have bad cramps on periods, know that they like. Grab Your Cervix which, for me, Induced the worst cramps of my entire whole life even on painkillers and weed gummy, and continued for a day
#text#paersonal#so fucking unfair that having a vagina is a one way ticket to medieval torture.#if you show a cis man a speculum they rightfully freak tf out jdbjdbd#fuck this shit man...#like its been a while but im thinking abt it bc was trying to nap and failed and mind was wandering and jfc#next time i am absolutely a. asking for the smaller speculum and b. going somewhere they actually have anesthesia etc#at least it lasts for 8 years#and it only took 3 minutes#but the way they describe shit is not how it turned out for me lol#like regular pain vs Cramps Pain The Worst Of My Life are two v different things#and i have a pretty high pain tolerance...#even premedicated it was so rough#which this isnt me saying dont get it bc again. 8 years vs three minutes (and a day of very bad cramps)#and it varies by person#its just nice to have a heads up#and know how to remedy#i.e. premedicate and go somewhere w anesthesia#the cramps for that day were more tolerable than the three minutes but good god
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going to go lie in some grass and scream into the dirt or smth and see if things are a little better after that
#nothing like waking up at 6am to study for an exam that you are unbelievably fucked for and then getting a call an hour before said exam#to find out that a friend of yours is missing. bc. that’s. so .#and i’m not even in the same fucking county. what am i supposed to do about this#and i was told by a mutual person who i am no longer friends with bc of a falling out that was similiar to this lmao and woah#idk if u’ve ever answered a phone at 11am on 2 hours sleep. half high from exhaustion. 2 a person talkin to you with Hate in their voice#but it’s wild#if i ever die from a curse or smth it’s bc of her#i am so v bad with not being able to do nothing and i can feel myself shutting down and can and don’t want to do anything to stop it#just got to get through these exams and hope that she’s found and ok. i just. idk. i’m just tired and i want to hug her and have her tell me#about her gf who i find so annoying but she loves and steal her socks bc they have cool designs and watch spiderman like we’re 15 again#three days. three fucking days she’s been gone and no one told me#i want to not have to miss ppl. i want to not have to do another reading in a church. i want to refuse to eat her terrible baking. i want to#listen to her tell me everything i do wrong in life even tho that’s kind of awful. i want to sleep. i want. i want#ignore this i just needed to get it out so i didn’t give out to ppl where it wouldn’t do any good#at least i found out what was being hidden from me lol#delete later
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i am allowed to be self indulgent I Think. new years.
#mun draws#see i normally feel v self conscious if i post/rb my own ship art to my rp blogs bc im like#i dont want to make people feel as if im gonna forceship :pensive:#but also dez can have a little treat bc i was doodling this all day i can post it#anywyas speaking of forceship i still write uri with a onesided crush on than he Doesnt Know is a crush until like. porbably mid shb.#than is living his life unaware or w/e any than writer w me would want i just like afflicting uri with debuffs#debuff (Looking)#and it strikes me as absolutely the kind of dynamic where its like#[uri voice] alas too bad i have realized i have affection for my good friend thancred but i am not his type. we are holding hands and#raising a daughter. as bros. platonically. normal coworker activity. we are kissng. im sure he intends only cameraderie. if only.#SDFVDSFGSGSR#i am weak for urithan that is my life smh @ me#this isnt related but a notif popped up on my airdrop asking if i want to send this image to some random neighbours iphone and im like#happy 2023 have a gay anime elf neighbour :) (i wont) (but im tempted)#URIANGER | yester with thine eyes; morrow with thine hands#THANCRED & URIANGER | i touched your hand which has never slept
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i would actually sell a portion of my soul to write feanor in a way that actually feels like feanor to me
#sir why are you like this#i am begging#please send help#(largely joking ofc)#like. it's just. i have all these hcs!!!! but they don't... translate good#i may just be having a bad brain day but tis still v frustrating#nolo speaks#og post
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I gotta say I am FOREVER thankful and deeply honored that I have found this tiny corner of Tumblr dot com where everyone is insane about Alfonse Fire Emblem and also Sharena my friend Sharena bc. I'm usually not a stickler for reblog to like ratios, I don't mind and I understand, BUT PLEASE. IF YOU REBLOG MY ART PLEAS EPLESE PLEAAASEEE BE INSANE ABOUT IT 💔💔💔💔💔
(I DO wanna make it clear I'm not ragging on anyone LMFAO and I'm still really happy when people enjoy my work! But ESPP when it comes to me posting comics/concepts it IS an open invitation please be silly and/or unwell about characters with me 🥺)
#I'M WORRIED. maybe i came off unfriendly or unapproachable the other day which is not the case#i just have a skill issue LMFAO (disability that is occasionally disabling)#i am ALWAYS excited to talk and esppp excited to be talked to but i do not always have the energy levels for it 💔#which is why i love convo tags so much like. yeesss i can get the benefits of talking AND being talked to WITHOUT actually. talking.#anyways i miss takumi so much i need to delve deep into more takumi concepts#(which is still unfortunately on the back burner a bit bc i still really want to do fairy concepts#AND i have a lif concept that's been like a rock in my shoe in my brain i NEED to hash it out SO bad)#but also when it comes to takumi i think he's been marinating in my brain too long i need to revisit source material.#when i draw him he's loud and prickly and short tempered which like. ARE facets of him.#but he's also very subdued. he's v concious of his image as a prince as well (ref hinata supports)#he's also silly and weird and BRIGHT. like. THAT'S the thing that gets me.#like yeah he's a jackass w an attitude w endless horrors but he can't help but be stunningly cheerful#he's got whimsey and showboating tendencies and he's not immune to having fun.#he's also just at his core very sweet and good natured. chewing on him.
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now the question is. am i going to study for my test that is 40% of my grade. or am i gonna write for zukka week
#the answer is zukka week btw#ill probably start studying like. the day before its fine#what is NOT fine is that i have only 2 fics written out of 7. thats bad actually#at least its very bad for my brain i cant handle it#i NEVER finish themed weeks and i always feel so terrible but also?? 7 fics in like a month?? when i have so far posted 8 (v short) fics in-#-like 3 years? thats so fucking many#i need to not be so hard on myself but its HARD because i have such high standards for myself wahoo perfectionism#but at least i wanna finish this 3rd fic that i started bc i think itll be rlly good !!!!#the others im not very sure about .. maybe my day 5 idea could be okay#but the rest is very much not fleshed out and i just dont have great ideas i feel like#so yeah we'll see!#i am now going to. try to write and / or scroll thru tumblr :) thank u (or not) for reading <3#s.txt
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hey alexa what’s the morality of pretending you picked up a spare shift at work and that’s why you ghosted your friend for a day because talking to them is draining and you were very tired last night and now it’s been over 18 hours and it’s a bit awkward to respond now
#silv's back on her bs#vent#sors but oh my god#i love my friends i love him but it's just so.#it is so draining talking to him when all he seems to talk about is how much happier he is (which is v good im happy for him) now that he's#friends w me and some other people and how we're so much better and we're his best friends and his other current friends are the worst and#his life USED to suck but now it's so much better but remember how much it sucked and yk fuck whatever we were talking about before when we#can talk about how bad the past was for him i just#i feel so bad for saying that bc i genuinely love him (/p) and want to be able to talk to him but i'm so drained from literally everything#else going on in my life that when i see his notifs pop up i just. can't be bothered to open them#he texts the gc last night like 'you guys have different friend groups that you eat w at lunch right?' (we have lunch together every other#day bc of club stuff) and when me and my other friend was like 'yeah what's up' he starts going on about how his current friends suck and#ignore him and i feel so bad for being annoyed at him for this but i just#need a second to BREATHE for gods sake#i do not blame him for feeling terrible and i know that I need to tell him how im feeling but i just.#i'm consistently never getting enough sleep and am piled under assignments that were due way too long ago and i'm drowning okay#and i feel like there's literally no one there as a lifeguard that i can count on and someone that i thought could at least be floating#above me (not needed to save me but at least There) is pushing me down further#i just#god#sorry that was a bit silly of me
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#the kids at work are SO bad today#so bad#I honestly fucking hate these kids#and like yeah#no such thing as a bad ass kid but I’m several hours into this and it’s#oh my fucking god.#like I’m not really a yeller and I have been YELLING#two of them are just fine#they just have high needs#one of them is n v and one of them is having really bad separation anxiety because it’s her first day#the other two?#fucking ON ONE#like there’s been no big incident but I literally cannot think of a single time today I have a directive that they followed#not once#they’re running around with their shoes off#every room we leave is a fucking mess#like one of my other two kiddos had to use the bathroom and it was a fight to get everyone there#but then the problematic kids refused to stay and went back to the room and literally like#I cannot control them#I have absolutely no say#and I’m good with kids I’m good at my job I know I am#but this is too fucking much
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so.
#first of all ive already been told exactly how stupid i am by my dear friend so i know#im dumb#But stiiiilll#remember how last week while i was having an all around breakdown i wrote to Them™?#it was just a stupid text like how you doing#But I mean stupid!! stupid!! so stupid! riiight?#what was i hoping? idk. I just wanted to hear from them and so well i took the matter in my own 2 hands#I missed them and I wanted to hear from them since I think about them 24/7 anyhow#and guess what? they answered me#(we're supposed to be friends of course they did)#and alright we were having a nice convo#i was kinda afraid they'd be kind of stand offish#not bc of anything but probably not to try and lead me on yk?#that's what id do probably - kind but not too involved as not to give any false hope#and im so glad bc they arent doing that! we really did have a nice convo#ok at some point they answered kinda weirdly but that's probably just them being a v bad texter#which - fair - im not that good myself#thing isssss... the convo is still going on. 6 no 7 days later?#they're offering info that they don't need to. asking questions too! it's like they're actually enjoying talking to me!#I want to cry of happiness okay#and ik this doesn't mean a thing - i know it. i know how things stand. I am okay with it.#But to know they still enjoy talking to me and sending their precious little time chatting with me - i mean. fuck#and each time the convo was kinda dying down they still managed to keep it going 😭 i could cry#and today we've really been going back and forth and it's the best thing that's happened to me all month ok? ok.#and they've just asked me how was my morning. totally unnecessary question. im so happy i could die#yes im delusional but im in love so please god please universe - just keep thing convo going a bit more#just let me have this - it's such a small joy and such a small hope - just let me have this for a little while more#I wont go crazy - or i will but it won't hurt me worse than ive already been hurt so the danger is worth it#god I love them that's so awful
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