#i may just be having a bad brain day but tis still v frustrating

[actuallyfingolfin]

i would actually sell a portion of my soul to write feanor in a way that actually feels like feanor to me

[roomalthoughts]

08.02.2018: hope

This is world that we live in I feel myself get tired This is the world that we live in

Well maybe I was mistaken I heard a rumor that you quit this day and age Well maybe I was mistaken

Bless your body, bless your soul Pray for peace and self control 

I gotta believe it's worth it Without a victory, I'm so sanctified and free Well maybe I'm just mistaken

Lesson learned and the wheels keep turning

This is the world that we live in I can't take blame for two This is the world that we live in And maybe we'll make it through

Bless your body, bless your soul Pray for peace and self-control

Underneath the waterfall Baby we're still in this

This is the world that we live in Feel myself get tired This is the world that we live in

I had a dream that I was falling, down

There's no next time, alone A storm wastes its water on me But my life was free

I guess it's the world that we live in It's not too late for that This is the world that we live in And no, we can't go back

This is the world that we live in We still want something real This is the world that we live in I know that

This is the world that we live in

-The World That We Live In // the Killers 

Candy talks to strangers Thinks her life's in danger No one gives a damn about her hair It's lonely down on track street She used to go by Jackie The cops, they'll steal your dreams and they'll kill your prayers Take a number where the blood just barely dried

Wait for something better No one behind you Watching your shadows This feeling won't go

Crooked wheels keep turning Children, are you learning Acclimatize but don't you lose the plot A history of blisters Your brothers and your sisters Somewhere in the pages we forgot

Take a number Jackie Where the blood just barely dried You know I'm on your side

Wait for something better No one behind you Watching your shadows You gotta be stronger than the story Don't let it blind you Rivers of shadow This feeling wont go

And the sky is full of dreams But you don't know how to fly I don't have a simple answer But I know that I could answer Something better

This feeling won't go

Wait for it [Repeat: x4]

-This Is Your Life // the Killers 

I backed my car into a cop car the other day Well, he just drove off - sometimes life's okay I ran my mouth off a bit too much, ah what did I say? Well, you just laughed it off and it was all okay

And we'll all float on okay And we'll all float on okay And we'll all float on okay And we'll all float on anyway, well

A fake Jamaican took every last dime with that scam It was worth it just to learn some sleight of hand Bad news comes, don't you worry even when it lands Good news will work it way to all them plans We both got fired on, exactly, the same day Well, we'll float on, good news is on the way

And we'll all float on okay And we'll all float on okay And we'll all float on okay And we'll all float on alright

Already we'll all float on Now don't you worry we'll all float on alright Already we'll all float on alright Don't worry we'll all float on

Alright, Already And we'll all float on alright Already we'll all float on alright Don't worry even if things end up a bit Too heavy we'll all float on alright

Already, we'll all float on alright Already, we'll all float on okay Don't worry, even if things get heavy We'll all float on alright

Already, we'll all float on (Alright!) Now don't you worry, we'll all float on (Alright!) We'll all float on

-Float On // Modest Mouse 

After taking pictures of the sunset with my camera that I got on my birthday, I decided to sit down on the grass in my front yard and look at the sky...the pink and purple were showing themselves off while I smiled in admiration. It was cute seeing how the colors blended together and eventually, turn dark while the stars shined bright like a diamond on an engagement ring that any girl would show off (gross). The moon was shyly peeking out to say hello to me once again for I and the moon are in love. I love how she is the center of the attention when the night settles quietly. She looks so beautiful when she’s showing off all her craters (the reason why I’m so obsessed with the moon is because my name Cynthia means moon goddess and I’m so proud of that). 

As I was watching the sky turn dusk, I was thinking about taking a hiatus from writing since I really do need a break from life. One of my friends told me, “You stay inside, be all mopey and write!” 

And I really do. She’s not wrong (well, she’s never wrong when it comes down to being honest and brutal).

I love staying indoors when I feel depressed and write my thoughts down. I like to just spill my thoughts out from my pretty messed up brain. I want to stay what I got to say so I can sleep better at night (and not stay up at 3am just because my brain won’t shut the hell up). I always want to be outdoors and hang out with people, but lately, I’ve been in the dumps and all I want to do is sleep. Sleeping and dreaming is better than facing reality. 

I have been trying to bring myself up by listening to songs that install hope in me. I have a tattoo on my right wrists that says “Hope” but in Hebrew. I dedicated it to my grandmother because her name is Hope. I also got it because I need hope in my life. I really need that little drop of hope in my mouth so I can feel okay again. The songs The World That We Live In, This Is Your Life and Float On have been on repeat. Each song has their own unique meaning to how to see the world and face against with our heads held high. 

The World That We Live In by the Killers (who are one of my top favorite bands that I truly love and admire) video has a lot of deep meaning to it (with the snow falling down, broken chairs, ripped books & an abandoned house) and with Brandon Flowers (the man who stole my heart when I was 10 years-old with those brown eyes and guy eye liner) singing while dressed in black. There is a lot of symbolism if you look close to it, but the lyrics speak for itself. The world can depress us and makes us feel like we are not enough, but we have to keep in mind that we cannot give up. The real world may suck, but there is not much that we can do other than be kind to others and respect your elders. Watching the video again, after five or more years of the last time I watched it, I can relate to Brandon’s frustration about how the real world works (here’s the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8EqBVO0eYOI). 

As a 22 year-old gal, who doesn’t know what she wants, I can relate to knowing that we have to learn our lessons and move on with life. I can relate to getting depressed and annoyed with how everything is about looks and money and not what is inside of us. We live in a materialistic society and it sucks. We no longer care about those who want what is best for us and are selfish to some degree. We live in a world that really doesn’t care about our well-being, but that doesn’t mean we have to give up. We have to keep moving and leave the past where ti belongs...in the past. The world will keep spinning madly on with or without us.

It is what it is. 

The next song, This Is Your Life by the Killers (once again!) is another song that has a deep meaning to it. Many people would assume that this song is about a prostitute who wants to change her ways so she can have a better life. I can see where they can get that interpretation, but I took it as, “if you want to change up your life, then do it. No one is stopping you. Just make sure it is what you want to do.” Change can be quite scary, but it is so addictive. Trust me, even though it takes me a while to get used to something new, I absolutely love it. I love change. I want change in my life. Why? 

I don’t want to live in my hometown any longer. I want to live so far away from Indiana and start my life fresh. I want to find something better that will give me that motivation to keep living. I don’t want to live in Indiana because it has a lot of dirt against me and my family. Ever since my parents divorced, some people that knew my parents before I was born, threw rocks at my mother (as in they were calling her a whore). I was beyond pissed that I came home crying and punching the wall in my room. I hate my hometown and have hated it even more when one of my exes moved back. It’s such a drag knowing that people know about your mistakes and use them against you. 

I can relate to Candy and her desperation to wanting to change up her life. I can relate to the advice that Brandon is giving to Candy (wait for something better, you are stronger than your story). If I could, I would turn back time to when my mother moved out of the house with my brother and I after my dad kicked us out. I would have begged my mother to move out of state so I could run away from everything that made me depressed. However, I have to wait a few more years until I am financially stable in order to move out of state. This song gives me hope to keep waiting for something better to come around.

Wait for it. 

The last song, which is one that is close to my cold, fragile heart, Float On by Modest Mouse was my theme song back in 2015 (so was The Middle by Jimmy Eats World was another that I would listen on repeat) . If you have read the posts, Counseling and To the Bones, you would know that I hit rock bottom that year because of many events that occurred during that summer and Float On was the song that install a little drop of hope that would push me to become the person I was from 2015-2017. Once again, 2017 challenged me to change my ways and after the storm went away...I played Float On to remind myself: 

And, we’ll all float on okay

I have learned that it is okay to not be okay...however, that shouldn’t bring you down. You have to get up, brush off the dirt and keep moving. You cannot let the real world bring you down. Hang onto hope if you got it, don’t let it go for anybody. 

[artificialqueens]

New Man Part 3 // Rolling in the Deep (Biadore) - Fucking Awful.

A/N: Back with Part 3 of the New Man saga! Another 3500 words of Biadore angst that I swear is going to get happy in a chapter or so. I think there will be 5 chapters, maybe a 6th. Few things:

First, funny story: “Fucking Awful” was actually supposed to be the name of Chapter 2, but because I’m a dumbass and don’t understand the naming conventions it ended up as my author name. AND I AM SO HAPPY ABOUT IT because you know what, I am fucking awful.

Second: This is back in Danny’s POV. I like switching back and forth, but I feel I get Danny (or the version of him that lives in my trash brain) a little better. There are few train of thought moments, designated by italics. 

Third: Back to song inspiration, this time from a different British redhead – the goddess Adele, and “Rolling in the Deep.“ (Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYEDA3JcQqw) No one is singing, its just a soundtrack to what happens here. Lyrics are in italics AND indented. 

Fourth: Let me know if these are too long and wordy. It’s something I get critiqued on professionally, so I’m keen to reel in unnecessary words in my creative/for fun writing.

Alright that’s it, hope you enjoy this! XOXO Fucking Awful

 “Oh shut UP!” Danny yelled at no one in particular, grasping blindly for his phone to shut off the alarm. “Fuck! Shit! Balls!” He finally managed to quiet the Marimba. 10:12am. An hour and 33 minutes until Johnny would be there to pick him up. Just enough time for a run – Danny was into fitness now – and a shower before brunch with his friends and…oh God.

Danny remembered he had to see Roy today, and out came a full body groan. He had spent the last 2 weeks telling his crew how excited he was for them to meet Roy – his Willow and his best friend, not just that guy from TV. But now everything was so utterly fucked, and after last night he could barely look at Roy let alone fawn over him at a bottomless brunch. Dragging himself out of bed and into workout clothes, Danny mentally prepared for what was coming.

Roy is cheating on his boyfriend. Roy is trying to cheat on his boyfriend with you. You basically told him to fuck off and that you don’t want to know him anymore. Now you are going to spend the whole day with him. Party.

He was now fully awake, partially from the blast of cold Seattle air but mostly from seething anger. What in the fuck did Roy think he was doing? The Haylock he knew wasn’t a cheater, he wasn’t even into open relationships. Moreover, he knew infidelity was the ultimate sore spot for Danny.

They’d talked about this a million times, and Danny had probably cried about it a million more. Adore’s free love persona had made a lot of guys think they could take advantage of Danny, both cheating on him and using him as an instrument of their own cheating. Every time it crushed Danny, made him feel worthless. A committed relationship is a committed relationship, and stepping out on a partner is the ultimate sign of betrayal and disrespect. Fuck that guy (Kyle? Tyler? Who cares.) that Roy was dating, but he still didn’t deserve to be cheated on.

And Danny didn’t deserve to be treated like a whore. That Roy thought Danny would be ok with being the Other Man was what hurt and angered him the most. Danny could feel his heart racing as he stretched. He had to calm down and play this afternoon all flazeda, so his friends wouldn’t ask questions. He knew they saw Roy making out with the stranger, something they were sure to ask about, but there’s no way they saw the 7 seconds in Heaven outside. If Danny could just act normally, he could help Roy deflect uncomfortable quest –

“Oh fuck THAT!” Again, to no one in particular. He knew what he was listening to for the next five miles, on a loop…

There’s a fire starting in my heart Reaching a fever pitch, and it’s bringing me out the dark

—

An hour and a half later, Danny was showered and getting ready – still blasting “Rolling in the Deep” on repeat.

Finally I can see you crystal clear Go ‘head and sell me out, and I’ll lay your shit bare

The “chill” plan was no more. Some combination of Adele and adrenaline transformed hurt and disappointed Danny into a pissed off, vengeful queen. He was rocking an all-black look to brunch – hair tied back under a beanie, long sweater and t-shirt, jeans and Docs – but he painted on some red eye shadow for a little extra fire.

In the years he had known Roy, Danny had never been really and truly mad at him. Annoyed or frustrated, sure, but never angry. So this full-body heartburn of rage that was coursing through his veins and shooting out his fingertips was strange to say the lest.  

See how I leave with every piece of you Don’t under estimate the things that I will do

“If you’re going to listen to music about a woman scorned, shouldn’t you at least play Lemonade?” Johnny let himself into the apartment, sneaking past Danny who was too wrapped up in belting along with the track.

“Beyoncé may be the queen, but Adele is still good shit.” Danny didn’t even glance up, finishing the smoky rust around his lids. “Plus this track fucking goes.” He turned up the stereo louder with one hand, swiping on mascara with the other.

Johnny reached over to stop the music. “Speaking of going, we have to. Jinkx is picking up Roy” – Danny flinched imperceptibly - “and everyone else is already there. If we don’t leave now we’re gonna be…Oh, I’m sorry. Is heroin chic a daytime look now?” Johnny raised an eyebrow.

Danny smirked and chucked his mascara at his cousin. “Fuck all the way off, let’s go.”

—

Baby I have no story to be told But I’ve heard one on you and I’m gonna make your head burn

Much to Johnny’s chagrin, the Adele fest continued in the car. The full 20-minute drive was spent listening to the thumping kick-drum and haunting chorus, Danny swatting his hand away anytime he tried to switch the music.

“Dude, c��mon. This is the eighth time; can we please listen to literally anything else?”

“No. I need to feel…empowered.” Danny didn’t want to elaborate.

“Empowered to do what? Look, I know some weird stuff happened last night – great job making it awkward, by the way, don’t think we didn’t all notice – but can we please not make a scene today? I have people to impress.”

Danny knew that Johnny was trying to date one of his new friends, and he was fully in support of his cousin getting it in. “It wasn’t me who – I didn’t – ok.” Instead of turning it off, Danny reached over and cranked the music louder.

Think of me in the depths of your despair Make a home down there, ‘cause mine sure won’t be shared

If he wasn’t going to say anything to Roy, at least he could feel the revenge fantasy for the rest of the drive.

–

The table of 15 was taking up the back patio of a little hipster spot in Capitol Hill. Johnny had almost immediately broken off to make romantical moves, so Danny settled into the open seat opposite Roy and Jinkx.

“Hey Danny! Doesn’t someone look nice today!” Jinkx had a smile plastered on his face, while Roy sat next to him looking more than a little sullen.

Danny reminded himself to keep it together, for Johnny’s sake. “Thanks! Felt pretty chill when I woke up this morning, but it wouldn’t be me without something a little ratchet.” Good, normal conversation.

“Well jeez, way to assume he was talking about you queen.” The words flew out of Roy’s mouth so fast, he almost looked like he was surprised he said them out loud. Danny reacted sharply, brow furrowed and lip curled as he shook his head ever so slightly.

“I was, of course I was!” Danny heard a muffled THUD under the table, and saw Roy flinch. “I love it. Seattle looks good on ya, kid. Doesn’t it, Roy?” Danny thought it was strange that Jinkx was speaking to Roy like he was scolding a toddler.

“Of course, I’m kidding.” More strangeness, Roy sounded almost sheepish. “You look great. You always look great.”

We could’ve had it all Rolling in the Deep

As angry as he was, Danny couldn’t help smile at the complement. How did Roy continue to have this effect on him?

You held my heart inside your hand And you played it to the beat

“Yeah well, adopting the finer points of your clown makeup has its perks. Color can be a good thing.” Roy smiled a bit at that, melting Danny like ice in the desert.

What the fuck are you doing? Remember how you feel!

Danny snapped out of it. “I’m fucking starving, what are you guys getting? Jesus, what food could we even fit here? There’s no space.” He made a show of feeling cramped, and hollered across the table. “Katie, can we try to –“

“Well hey there bitches, room for one more?”

Danny whipped around, as if he needed to see who it was to know the voice. Entrance sisters are forever, after all.

“Not for you, you sneaky little shit! You’re back early!” He jumped out of his seat to hug DeLa, who wasn’t supposed to be back from Australia for another three days. God, Danny was happy to see Ben.

“Yeah well, for a penal colony the Land Down Under is surprisingly low on eligible dick. I think I’ve made my way through the entirety of New South Wales at this point.” DeLa waved to the rest of the table before making his way over to Jinkx and Roy.

“Did you borrow my sailboat to get back here, you twat? Come ‘ere.” Roy stood up to hug the queen, too. Danny was surprised how happy Roy was to see Dela, they were friends but he didn’t know they were that close.

“No grandma, we have planes now. I left the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria safely in your boat house,” Ben quipped back as he went to hug Jinkx.

“Not bad, fruit fly. Not bad.” Roy sat down and Dela rounded the table back to Danny, who had made space for him.

“So, catch me up. How’s it going?” For half a second, Danny swore he saw Ben look meaningfully at Roy and then Jinkx. “Isn’t this just a great little reunion –” THUD. There was that muffled sound again, but this time it was Ben flinching.

“Sorry guys, I know it’s cramped and we keep hitting each other.” Danny apologized.

“It’s fine Danny, really. Everyone just needs to be a little more careful.” Jinkx smiled tightly. Now the pointed looks were coming from him, Danny was sure he saw it.

What’s going on? Why are they being weird?

Oh well, nothing a few Bloody Marias won’t fix.

—

An hour later the whole table was on the spectrum of tipsy to trashed, with the notable exception of the stone cold sober Roy. Danny’s sense of weirdness was replaced with the warm buzz of micheladas, tequila and good friends. There’s a reason the Lord blessed us with bottomless brunches on the Sabbath. Listening to the laughter and seeing the connection between friends new and old, Danny started to think maybe he could be chill.

Their food plates had barely hit the table when that image shattered, again. Poor Dela, he knows not what he does.

One of Danny’s new girlfriends, Sam, was telling him and Ben about her upcoming couple’s vacation. “So yeah, 5 days in Cabo to celebrate our anniversary, or month-iversary I guess. 5 days alone – I think I love that woman, but pray for me.” Sam took a drink.

“Damn, Sam. I didn’t realize you and Charlotte had been together for two months already. That’s rad.” Danny liked Sam a lot, and was glad to see her happy.

“Two months, that’s a big one.” Ben paused for a beat before winding around to face Roy and Jinkx, who were shouting across the table at Johnny and his new ‘friend.’

“That’s about the time you figure out if a relationship is going to work,” Ben continued. Another pause, and there was that damn pointed look at Roy again. Jesus, was he drunk already?

“Speaking of which – Roy, you’ve been with Sky for about 2 months now. How’s that going?”

Ben shouted the question loud enough to disrupt Roy’s conversation, which had the unfortunate effect of getting the whole table’s attention. The whole table who had been at the bar last night and witnessed Roy’s and Danny’s little display. Silence washed over them like goddamn Hurricane Katrina, leaving Dela very clearly confused if only for a second.

Danny immediately saw red. It wasn’t just the eye shadow creeping into his corneas, or the deep scarlet brunch cocktails – he was pissed. “Yeah Roy, how is Sky?” Danny asked, nearly shouting. He could feel the anger building.

You’re gonna wish you Never had met me

“Why didn’t you bring him with you? Didn’t think he would have fun?” The power of angry Adele was rising in his chest.

Tears are gonna fall Rollin’ in the deep

“I mean, what about this trip wouldn’t be fun for him? Jinkx has never met him. Dela hasn’t met him. In fact, neither have I. Wouldn’t he want to meet your sisters? Your best friend? Why wouldn’t he want to meet me, Roy?”

Johnny interjected. “I’m sure he was busy. Danny why don’t you switch over to water?” God bless him, like any good cousin was trying to stop the train of destruction. Danny was too far down this hill to pull back.

“Nah, I’m good man. Tell me, why didn’t he come here?” He focused all his attention, staring at Roy with enough intensity to clear his blurring vision while burning a hole in eyes of the man looking back at him. 

Now it was Jinkx’s turn to try. “Danny, drop it. You’re yelling.”

“No I’m not. And you’re not my mom, Jinkx. I just want an answer to my question.” Danny never took his eyes off Roy, who’s body seemed to wilt while his eyes stayed locked.

“I didn’t mean to cause a problem guys, I –“ Dela looked totally panicked.

Fire. Heart. Fever. Scars. Breathless. Tears.

The combination of hurt, alcohol and electricity clashed like lightning, and Danny couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“Is it because you came here to cheat on him, Roy? You told him you were coming to visit your friends, but really you just came here to fuck some other guys and hope he wouldn’t find out?”

If he wasn’t yelling before, Danny sure was now. 

“You think that’s who I am, that I don’t care about other people’s feelings and that I’ll help you hurt them? You think I would be a part of that, that after all these years of pining for you I’d be so goddamn happy for your scraps of attention that I’d do it? That I’d let you jam your tongue down my throat in back alleys and fuck me in secret like your side piece?”

Well, so much for keeping that kiss a secret, Danny thought as he caught his breath. Might as well bring it home.

“You’re a shitty person, Roy. You’re a bad, mean, hateful person. You don’t care if you hurt people, do you? I never saw it before, but that you would do this to your boyfriend – to me…”

Shit, shit. Don’t cry. Do. Not. Cry. Danny couldn’t understand why Roy, who had never been at a lack of words for a moment in his life, was just sitting there silently while he railed on. The indomitable Bianca del Rio just sat there staring, and increasingly – he thought, maybe – like he was actually biting his tongue.

“You don’t have anything to say? You can’t even defend yourself because you know it’s true. I don’t know if you’ve always been like this, if something changed, or what the fuck is going on.” Danny paused, starting to feel self conscious about the volume of his voice and the lack of chiming in from any of his friends.

“Jesus, Roy. I thought Bianca was an act but the real you is so much worse. I would say I hope Sky’s off fucking someone else too, so you know what it feels like, but you’d have to be a human with emotions to get it. You’re just a heartless evil cunt.” And with that, Danny was out of steam.

—

The next seconds crawled slowly and quietly enough to hear a pin drop. Danny knew this for a fact, because he literally heard the waitress drop her pen at molasses speed. Then the world slammed back into focus, with the same jarring effect as an astronaut getting ejected into space in a Star Trek movie.

Danny felt all eyes on him – 26 silent, unblinking eyes. The only person not still basking in his impassioned speech was Roy himself, who had finally broken the stare; his eyes were closed, maybe even squeezed together, while he rested his forehead on wringing hands. Danny had never seen this body language before, which was strange because Roy was a true creature of habit.  

Feeling totally exposed – a feeling he wasn’t totally in love with at the moment – but still high on righteous indignation, Danny violently stood up to leave. He threw his credit card down on the table and walked towards the exit, speechless as a silent movie…until he heard a mumble.

“What did you say to me?” Danny turned on his heel, sure he heard Roy say something under his breath. He was ready to fight.

“I said he did, Delano. Sky did. He cheated on me. I walked in on him fucking someone. Two weeks ago.”

Danny didn’t go to school for fucking math, but something was clicking. Two weeks ago, cheating, no more Sky…damn the tequila fog.

“You guys have something in common after all – he said I was too cold to fall in love with. Didn’t think I would even care, I can’t feel anything anyway.” Roy wouldn’t look up as he spoke, his voice was calm and controlled. That was really freaking Danny out – this was his somber voice, the same one he used in the days after Danny’s dad died.

What’s going on? Danny was starting to wonder if he’d miscalculated something here. Fucking continuation school.

“You should be happy, turns out you already got what you want. I got cheated on, Danny.” Roy paused and finally looked up.

In one fell swoop, Danny realized he was so very wrong. The eyes Roy had been hiding were as red as his own, but colored instead by broken blood vessels and tears. Danny realized why he didn’t recognize the body language – he’d never seen Roy cry before.

“Happy, even if you’re wrong. I promise you I feel it.”

In that moment Roy’s voice wavered ever so slightly, and Danny felt his whole body come undone. He had to sit back in his chair to keep from falling over, seeing Roy like this turned him to actual human Jell-O.

Fuck. Fuck. Fucking fuck. Fuck. Danny’s mind raced, trying to figure out what to do. How he could fix this.

“I think I should go,” Roy said to Jinkx, who started to move in response. His voice was back to the unnerving calm. “No, stay. I’ll get an Uber, you guys have fun. Let me know how much I owe you.” Roy stood up. “Everyone, it was a pleasure to meet you in the daylight. Glad to know my friends are so well taken care of in Seattle.”

No no no, don’t leave. What is happening? What are you doing? Danny was screaming internally, but he couldn’t figure out what words to say or at this point how to even make sounds come out of his mouth.

“Bye, Danny.”

Roy said those two words with such a tenderness and finality, Danny started to panic. He needed to do something but he was immobilized, his brain fried by his earlier surge of emotion and the overload of new information.

The scars of your love, they leave me breathless I can’t help feeling we could’ve had it all

And just like that Roy was gone.