#I don't actually hate you- I hate how badly I phrased that-

[inamindfarfaraway]

I love how Paul's character in The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals is defined entirely by a lack of desire, or desire defined only as 'not what I don't want'. "What Do You Want, Paul?" is a big joke about what a terrible narrative protagonist he is. But it's deeper than that. Throughout the show, even in the smallest, most insignificant phrasing, this man only ever expresses wants in these negative forms, as if he's incapable of feeling attraction in itself rather than simply avoiding what he dislikes. And only avoiding! He never says that he hates anything, either! That would give him passion, drive, perhaps the goal of actively removing that thing. No, he exclusively uses the verb hate in past tense.

He doesn't like musicals, singing, dancing or public performances. He makes this very clear, to the point that it's one of his most significant character traits. At no point does he ever talk about liking any media.

He doesn't want to do social activities.

He doesn't want to give away his money. About both this and the above, he can provide no logical explanation or moral justification. He just doesn't feel like them.

He always gets black coffee because it has "no cream, no sugar, nothing in it"; that is to say, he might not necessarily love it, merely prefer it over its sweeter or more complex alternatives.

He doesn't believe that Emma should have to sing and dance at work - he doesn't want her life to be so unfair and annoying to the both of them.

He doesn't want to obstruct the workings of his office (saying "that's the last thing I want" triggers "What Do You Want, Paul?").

He says, "I wanna go home!" when Mr Davidson is singing at him, but means that he wants to be somewhere safe and not stuck in this incredibly uncomfortable situation.

He doesn't want to die.

He specifically doesn't want to die in Clivesdale, because fuck Clivesdale.

He doesn't want to join the Hive.

He doesn't want to leave Hatchetfield, even when it's the site of an alien invasion that is his personal worst nightmare. He actually says that "All things considered, I like Hatchetfield", arguably an exception to the standard. However, he's also well aware of the town's flaws and problems. He grew up one of its poorer residents, attending the inferior, underfunded Sycamore High School where he casually admits the students "hated [themselves]" and having to watch its more respectable rival Hatchetfield High's school play. He has no strong investment in his tedious middle-class office job. He doesn't get along with some of his fellow townsfolk, like his coworker Ted and all the employees of Beanies except Emma. He awkwardly evades giving to charity and the homeless every morning on his way to work. His life is decidedly not one of utter bliss, and yet it's good enough for him in that he doesn't have the energy, ambition or imagination to want anything more. Since he's "been here [his] whole life", his affection for his hometown could be more an aversion to everywhere else or the hassle of travelling. Sticking with the devil he intimately knows.

He doesn't think badly of Emma, and says so because he doesn't want her to or believe that he does after learning that she helped make a "hated" experience of his happen.

He doesn't want to let Bill die, which is why he goes with Bill to rescue Alice. His heroism and proactiveness at the turning point of the end of Act One start to notably erode his apathy, but his phrasing reaffirms his negative motivations: "Hey, it's not like you're asking me to go see Mama Mia!", "Emma, there comes a time in every man's life when he has to draw a line in the sand. And I will never be in a fucking musical."

He doesn’t want Bill to blame himself for Alice's endangerment, stay in the area once Alice is revealed to be a vessel of the Hive or kill himself.

He doesn't want to do some light reading on the universal truth of love and the strength of the human heart.

He has no positive motivation. He breaks one of the most basic rules of being a fictional character, let alone the main character the audience is supposed to root for. He isn't just an antihero, he's an anti-protagonist. Although this could easily make him boring or unsympathetic, he manages to seem relatable. Real. Human. He captures so genuinely an ordinary person living an ordinary life suddenly trapped in a horror story. How many of us can honestly articulate "one concrete goal that motivates all [our] actions"? Even if you can, you wouldn't undergo a narratively fulfilling and thematically cohesive arc related to that desire the way a fictional character would. We're all essentially just trying to survive each day. To make or keep our lives however we define 'good enough'. We may not have a crystal clear picture of our ideal life, but I bet we all have a long list of things we don't want in it. We're all Paul. He even says, “I want what anyone wants”.

What more appropriate antagonist for this man to face, then, than a force that exists to strip people of their autonomy, their individuality, their personhood, and force them to play archetypical characters in a conventional narrative? The Hive observes that Paul is an anti-protagonist and takes offence to this. It seeks to convert him into his antithesis, the "bold" "leading man" of its musical who the audience can "sympathize with". The Infected highlight this in the opening song, in which they eagerly anticipate and prepare the audience for his entrance... and he misses his cue. He isn't following their script. Perhaps that's why the audience is able to believe in this average, unassuming antihero's potential to succeed, to defeat the Hive or at the very least escape it, despite how fraught and grim the situation becomes. The story certainly proves itself to be cruel to its characters; but Paul doesn't operate like a normal character. The Hive promises to fulfil people's desires and make them happy throughout the play. Charlotte, Bill, Hidgens and Ted's deaths are connected to, by either direct causality or thematic relevance, their respective desires for Sam's love, Alice's safety, world peace (and the glory of a musical career) and Ted's own survival. Paul is uniquely immune to this pattern of death related to a core motivation.

Until:

"I can't leave without Emma”, “a friend of mine."

"Is there a chance of something more?"

"I think so. I'd like there to be. I want there to be."

He wants Emma, her life and her happiness and maybe, just maybe, her love. He wants to love her. To spend time with her. For the first time ever, he wants more out of life, not less. He's a little bit more of a character. After the Infected reprise the "Did you hear the word?" section of the opening song, building up to his appearance, this time he does enter the theatre, coming down the aisle just as he was meant to. Right on cue. Paul is now vulnerable to the narrative - the Hive's narrative. And the Hive's control.

Still he resists, even while doubting if he was ever really happy before. Not only does he use his final words, fittingly, to declare that he doesn't like musicals, but before that he firmly refutes the Hive, and the philosophy behind it and all the pressures and temptatations it might represent: "It doesn't matter what I want." What matters is the good of the world. Emma. Love. Hope. Freedom. Integrity. Humanity, which must be wonderful if we can make sacrifices like this for all the right reasons.

Rest in peace, Paul Matthews. You were the opposite of a conventional protagonist, but a true hero.

[spider-jaysart]

(Click for better quality)

Beast world was very fun and Cat!Damian was the best part about it to me loll and now that I've created a Puppy!Jon to go along with him, I'm thinking these boys deserve an au dedicated to them both and the series!

It would all be just an au of everyone naturally living as their beast world selves, like that's just who they are, and everyone else in the universe besides them would also have natural animal forms of their own too and humans don't exist. It would be called "Beastverse/Beast world au Earth 68"

And I've got some Damijon headcanons for it!! (And also about some other stuff too!)

When Damian and Jon first met, that's when the phrase fighting cats and dogs definitely became much more true to it's words lolll, and it was wild lmaoo

In the beginning of their team up, Damian would meow around Jon all the time whenever they interacted, just so that he could speak with him less and give him a hard time understanding him, making Jon think that's all he can actually ever say. And meanwhile Jon would be the one speaking in English, but still trying to talk to Damian anyways loll (which was annoying to Damian loll). After some very much later adventures though, he then finally decided to reveal to Jon he can speak in English by suddenly talking in it during a moment where he was trying to comfort him and then Jon was kind of upset, like "Wait...YOU ACTUALLY KNEW HOW TO TALK THE WHOLE TIME??" And Damian was like "-tt- Of course I did, I just didn't want to talk to YOU." Lmaooo

Whenever the boys play, they can match eachothers playful sides a little too well and start jumping all over the place a little too crazy loll. Someone has to sometimes keep a close eye on them both because of this or fun messes will happen

Damian has a habit of scratching up anyone who messes with Jon

Damian as a cat really hates the rain, so Jon, knowing this, will protect him with his jacket and immediately lift him up in his arms to keep cozy until they got home or somewhere else dry

Jon loves Damian's meows and especially his purrs because they keep him calm and he just loves hearing them from Damian

Sometimes their tails get stuck together in a knot because Jon was wagging his too much again near Damian's, causing it to wrap around his tightly too quickly and get caught. They almost ended up completely dragging the other with them a few times without realizing at all because of this loll

Damian didn't like sharing his toys at all and would tell Jon to leave them alone or else, since they're special gifts from Talia. He would also used to insult Jon's own at first, seeing them as not so great compared to his, but later saw the fun in them when trying them himself and just couldn't stop. He then tried denying it by finally showing off his expensive ones and letting Jon play with them, and meanwhile he sneakily went back to playing with Jon's lolll. Now they share and no fights are made about it

A supervillian tried pitting them both against eachother one time in a battle against their will with physical control over them, saying cats and dogs are just species that will never mix together well no matter what. They fought, but did their best in whatever way they could to not actually hurt one another. The supervillian just became only bored and upset with this very quickly and then switched on mind control on them both. Damian had already deactivated the devices on himself just in time though during the fight before that, but Jon didn't, so he became aggressive and ended up hurting Damian kind of badly without holding back his abilities and strength. Damian ofc defended himself as much as he could against the attacks, but was overpowered in the end. Just as Jon was about to finish him off brutally as the raging dog he was now, he came back to his true senses when hearing Damian's poor meows falling deep into his ears superhearing and then when he realized in front of himself what he had done to him so far now, he just felt SO terrible. Jon became angered and ended up fighting the control on his own, finally setting himself free and then went to Damian's side to give him comfort and apologize. Jon then ended up chasing after the guy who was responsible for all of this, using his dog ways, like biting him in the butt and whatever else as well as deserved payback. Bro was terrified for his life. When Damian and Jon went back home after having that guy finally taken care of, Jon still couldn't stop apologizing about it all to Damian (even though Damian kept telling him to stop lol), served him the biggest bowl of his favorite treats, got him chocolate milk as a special, and gave him tons of doggy kisses and tight hugs, while keeping them both wrapped up sitting in a cozy blanket that Damian loves using

Damian, who does it with his own, teaches Jon how to keep his claws looking good and takes care of them for him sometimes

Whenever Damian is ignoring Jon's puppy eyes, then Jon will double it up with a combo of sad whimpers, which ends up helping him still get his way in the end for sure loll. Damian can also play this game too just by using his kitty eyes on Jon whenever they're disagreeing on things they want and they most times overpower Jon, making him fall completely weak for it lol, since that's not something he will usually see Damian do

Due to him being a cat, Damian hates cucumbers and smacks them away in instant fear whenever he sees them. When Jon learned this, he would try pranking him with them, but then one day Damian smacked it so hard that it hit Jon right on the head and knocked him out. Damian became concerned but then after finding out he was pranking him everytime, he was like "Well, it was certainly deserved for being so idiotic." To Jon when he finally woke up lmaoo

Damian thinks it's adorable whenever Jon is reacting excitedly with his dog side and can't help but pet him, give him plenty of belly rubs everytime, and other kinds of affection in those moments

Jon also loves petting Damian, but most times Damian will try to stop him from doing it. Jon just does it anyways though despite that lol, and no matter how much he fights it, Damian usually ends up leaning into the comforting touch without realizing it, loving the wonderful feel of it while letting out purrs, and then he suddenly wakes back up to reality in embarrassment and swats Jon's paws away while yelling at him lolll, meanwhile Jon just laughs because seeing cat reactions like that of Damian's is so cute to him. Overtime though, Damian later grows more comfortable with it in the future and let's Jon pet him anytime, especially whenever he's laying down and resting his head on his lap or when they're cuddling eachother

Whenever Damian is clinging onto Jon from the back while being flyed around, sometimes his nails will really poke Jon or create little holes in his hoodie. Jon is one of the only ones who never say anything about it though, since his skin is steel and can handle it

Sometimes whenever Damian gets mad and starts arguing with Jon, Jon will just simply take out the laser toy he carries with himself and turn it on near his boyfriend, which immediately throws Damian off from whatever he was saying and sends him into cat mode, keeping him very distracted and focused on catching the red dot instead lmaooo. After playing around with it and later coming back to reality, he's still upset about whatever the earlier situation was but is finally in a more calmed down mood to speak about it

The same can also be done with Jon, but with his favorite ball, which Damian always keeps in his belt just in case for him for whenever lolll. He snuck it into his belt during his first visit to the Kent house, feeling it would be useful for future missions and also just playing around with Jonno lol

When they became closer in their still growing friendship, Jon started carrying homemade treats for Damian in his pockets, which he made himself as a gift. He surprised Damian with them after seeing how stressed and tired he seemed while working on something and then he ended up devouring them in seconds like candy loll and was back into a better mood. Jon makes them all the time now after seeing how much he enjoys them and Damian always goes up to him for them whenever he's hungry, just usually putting his hand out and asking for them, knowing he has them on him lolll

Damian also began to keep treats in his belt for Jon as well after this. And he'll give it playfully, like for example: "Who wants a treat? Are there any good boys here who want it?" While waving it around and then Jon is just hopping around happily like "I do! I want it!" And then Damian's like "Oh, wait a minute...I only see one very good boy here actually and he's right here in front of me." With a smile while petting Jon and finally letting him have it

Bruce is actually a full on bat in this universe instead of his wolf form from canon. Talia and Ra's are both cats, but not normal ones. They have a bit of mixed mutation in their genes, which is bird related, so Talia and him both have very large, beautiful green golden wings because of this and they can also defend themselves with it very well, especially as a shield and to blow others out of the way with very strong created waves of wind. Because of this, Damian is a mixed animal but still looks like his canon cat self, except he has small, dark bat wings with lovely green and golden feathers attached to the bottom of it and they will grow so much more to his parents large size as he gets older. He also has very great hearing like his Father and has a habit of eating insects sometimes from his bat side

Starfire is a lion and instead of a fox, Dick is a cool bird beast with blue colors to match his Nightwing design. He used to have the Robin colors as a kid, but his feathers changed overtime and then completely once he was fully grown up and had decided to take up the Nightwing mantle. Mar'i and Jake are also a mix of both animal species because of this

When Damian grows up, he wraps up Jon in his wings a lot during cuddles, just like how Talia would used to always do to him back when he was still a kid and loved being surrounded by it while in her arms. Jon loves it, feeling very protected and warm in it, and also thinks Damian's unique wings are beautiful

[mdhwrites]

In your opinion does "The Owl House" have any re-watch value? Does the story, characters, characterization, writing, etc. hold up over repeated viewings or is the show played out after the first time through the series?

So I want to acknowledge that this is actually an awkward question. Not with how you phrased it or anything just... Period? Because whether something is rewatchable will mostly come down to personal taste and enjoyment. Some people find Horror movies to be great fun to rewatch while others may not see the point because you already know all the scare moments or answers to creeping dread. Some might find action movies exciting to rewatch while others need the novelty of a first rewatch. As such, my answer is very much so is going to be biased by the fact that I ended up not liking the show.

But... I broke essentially on rewatch in a way. A lot of people have shattered on TOH essentially from having to reconcile what it says versus what it does. A lot of this because TOH constantly kicks payoffs down the line and hints at potential it will reach. It is constantly making the journey suffer for the promise of a grand finale. And, well... A lot of people have agreed that the shortening did not force their hand to break multiple themes in the finale, or take Amity's character or a bunch of other things that bloated the series and never got a proper payoff, such as the Collector.

This format of TOH I think is actually what makes it so hard to rewatch unless you are the ultimate fan of it who will notice nothing. S1 is labeled as boring, a complaint I even agree with as someone who mostly likes S1 still. It spends the most time setting up plot lines though in episodes that are a pretty safe seven out of ten, or worse. Amity episodes can escape this problem decently often, being fun in their own right, but that's why the fandom only acts like half, at best, of S1 even exists. Most of it is easily forgotten because it's very forgettable. Not like in a S1 of Amphibia way where it's all so much fun but also so much of it that they can blur and be hard to separate but just in a "I just wasted 20 minutes of my life watching an okay kids cartoon" way. The only thing that helped those episodes not feel that way was this idea that it was building towards something with these characters.

And... After the shock of things like the Lumity Kiss being real, I don't think S2 holds up for being the majority of those payoffs. Amity and Willow? One of the most explicitly kicked cans? Seen interacting on the same side before either addresses the "We're not friends' thing because of Eclipse Lake, so that's pre-shortening and they still didn't decide to address and then address it badly. Luz's magic is wrapped in a plotline she's not a part of and has no real reaction to even. It's just "Oh, we're just making bullshit up now instead of finding glyphs? K." Amity's parents are wrapped up, in the same episode, early S2, in a very similar way where Amity is barely a part of that episode but now her core angst and excuse for being a bad person? Dealt with and out of the way, at least until they randomly decide to try and say Alador TOOOOOTALLY wasn't a bad guy. That he hated Odalia too. Totally doesn't contradict literally everything that came before, something that would be much more sharply noticed on a binge rewatch. Like... It cannot be understated that by the point most plot threads in TOH wrap up, they were introduced and left to rot for so long that half the time, the fandom was starting to get UPSET during the runtime for the lack of any exploration or conclusion. Long hiatuses didn't help but at its core, even when it was running people were wondering when we would get satisfying answers to thing and rarely were they happy about it.

I think this is a core part of why ONLY the shipping community seems to have clung to TOH. That or people who are exploring the show's missed potential with characters like Belos or the Blights. The fandom has had to either commit to the one thing TOH did do well, its shipping (that comes with so many fucking asterisks) and its potential baiting. But the latter also means you have to recognize why it failed in the process of doing your exploration of the work.

So will some people enjoy rewatching it? Of course. There are people who probably like rewatching the AtLA movie though because the die hards are die hards. Do I think from a casual perspective you get much out of rewatching a random episode, let alone binging the series again?

No. I just think disappointment that the main series will leave you, which will eventually no longer be tempered by the reputation of it having been shortened, will only get worse. It is not a tale worth seeing again, so I hope I see you in the next one.

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I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.

[joannerowling]

have you seen this? https://thecritic.co.uk/j-k-rowling-is-honest-not-nasty/ the og article is rage-inducing. how dare she write books where there are bad men other than the one single bad guy!?

The Critic's article is great – short and to the point. The original though… First of all the accompanying image.

????? Anyone has any idea what that's supposed to convey cause i'm at a loss.

The actual article written by a certain Nick Hilton isn't just nonsense, it's badly written nonsense. What adult seriously calls someone "nasty"? Well, i suppose the kind of person who gets offended by the use of the term "sodomise" to describe the very act, in a novel which amongst other themes deals with sexual abuse (something that makes Nick apparently very uncomfortable), might.

(Side note on that, i counted, and he used "nasty"/"nastiest"/"nastiness" FIVE times in an article that's like 2000 words long including a fair amount of quotes. I just find that detail particularly funny, considering he complains about Jo using "sodomise" twelve times, "in its many tenses". And she conjugated it too! How uncouth.)

I'll skip over the bad faith claims that the world of Strike is "populated with paedophiles and rapists and terrorists who are never the murderers"; besides being patently false (Career of Evil and The Running Grave both have killers who are also rapists, and so does Troubled Blood even if it's not The killer), complaining about these topics showing up in crime novels is fucking stupid. What's next, an article decrying the amount of gore in horror novels titled "Stephen King Is A Big Meanie"?

But beyond all that weird pearl-clutching, it's also just… lazily written. There's no actual argument and the tone is all over the place as a result. Like, he expects you to naturally agree with him that JKR is "nasty", so he's just citing some book excerpts that are, i guess, supposed to speak for themselves? Like this:

… Ok, and? JKR was illegally hacked by a journal, the one bit character who works for said journal in her novel is unpleasant… conclusion she's nasty?? i don't get it Nick.

Because of stuff like this you're left wondering if he actually hates or rather admires her. Very bizarre. Not helped by the fact that he reuses JKR's own turns of phrase?

Like, was this on purpose in a clumsy attempt to parody her, or was it subconscious? I have no clue.

And finally, the funniest bit:

No comment.

[aihoshiino]

chapter 134 thoughts!

My immediate first thought going into this chapter and seeing how it picks up from last week's cliffhanger is that while I thought last week that this conflict served as an excellent character beat for both Ruby and Kana, I feel less positively about it as the catalyst for long term RubyKana conflict. Maybe that's hypocritical because I like the similar AquKana conflict back during the LoveNow aftermath and this is basically just a roided up version of that but… IDK, I guess it helped that the AquKana conflict is very clearly a romcom style miscommunication and it ends up leading to one of my all time favourite and funniest character moments for Aqua, this… isn't that. In general I really hate the old tried conflict trope of "Character A betrays or is otherwise cruel to Character B For Their Own Good and refuses to communicate about it" so this was kind of irritating to see…

It also really doesn't help that Kana is going SO above and beyond in being cruel to Ruby here in comparison to the AquKana conflict where her short-sighted lashing out was being mostly played for laughs but still came back to bite her. There's just something a bit excessive in how deliberately and pointedly cold and mean to Ruby Kana is shown being here and I guess it just feels a bit icky to me though I obviously can't make a proper call on all this til we see its conclusion.

I also have to question like… why is everyone around them just letting this happen lol. Memcho not intervening I can at least make sense of because she's been shown to be feeling off her game and a bit out of her element so I could see all that combining to make her uncertain of what to do but… uh, is Miyako not paying any attention? Admittedly the timeframe here is a little vague so we don't know exactly how long this has been going on but it's been happening at least long enough for Ruby to be going to school and fretting about it to her friends. So the idea of Miyako either being unaware of this or not intervening in this is really baffling to me??? Especially off the back of chapters 124 and 126 making a point of how badly Miyako wants to reach out to Aqua and Ruby and support them as their mother - the only way I can justify this to myself is if Miyako somehow doesn't know this was going on but how would she not know??? Like, we see Gotanda and his assistants fretting over Ruby crying after her scenes! If they're well aware something is wrong, why not Miyako? She's Aqua and Ruby's manager! This is a Strawberry Productions produced movie! We've seen her on set before! Is she just… not here now that it would be inconvenient for the plot?

(The answer to that is 'yes')

Uh all that up there does make it sound like I disliked either this or last chapter but I actually really loved them both for reasons we'll get into soon! I think they're both strong individual chapters and as points in RubyKana's shared arc I actually do really like this conflict, what it says about them both and where it seems to be taking them. There are just a lot of small, piled up contrivances pushing this conflict along and I think they annoyed me so much BECAUSE I otherwise think this is some really tasty character work for both girls and I'm otherwise enjoying it.

My bitching aside, I do really like the talk that follows this. I've been revisiting a lot of the earlier material recently via friends re-reading or giving the series a try for the first time so I've been back in that space of Ruby being particularly starstruck with Frill. It's sweet to see their present day dynamic where Ruby is fully comfortable with Frill just as her friend and trusts her enough to share her worries with her.

aw hey minami we thought you were dead

This entire scene really got my brain gears whirring and I can't help but speculate a little about its placement. At first I was just nodding along, thinking this was just Industry Exposition as usual but… isn't this odd? We don't see how Ruby phrases this question so maybe she was vague but from an authorial standpoint, why is Akasaka having Frill talk about love instead of dislike or hostility, which is what is actually going on between Ruby and Kana? Reading over that scene again and again, I can't help but wonder… is this supposed to be taken as some commentary on what's going on between Ruby and Aqua? Is Ruby developing confusedly romantic feelings for him purely because of their 'playing the roles', so to speak, of Sarina and Gorou? After all, the only other similar 'showmances', so to speak, that this could be referring to are AquKana and AquAka, neither of which quite fit the bill, especially when Frill talks about immediately snapping out of those feelings once the show is over — which didn't happen in the least for either pairing. Is this a hint of something to do with Ruby's feelings? Am I reading too much into this??? I mean, I almost definitely am, but I do that every week so…

Hopping over to Kana, the scene between her and Memcho itches my brain less mostly just because it's reiterating things communicated last week. I've said all I'll say about it feeling weird to me that Mem isn't making a move to intervene here but I do like the talk she and Kana have about their human jealousy towards Ruby. Honestly, I have a lot of respect for their being able to push it aside for so long because… honestly, none of what Kana said is wrong!

The second generation of B-Komachi exists for Ruby. Strawberry Productions got back into the idol business entirely so Ruby would have a group to be part of. Kana and Mem were recruited so Ruby would have unitmates to perform with. It doesn't revolve around her to the extent the previous generation did Ai, but in a very real sense Kana is correct when she identifies herself and Memcho as 'extras' for B-Komachi, who exist for Ruby's sake. Not only that but Ruby honestly treated them really badly while she was in black hoshigan mode! Yes, we as readers know what was going on in her head and why but think about how all that probably seemed to Kana and Mem who had no idea: From their POV, what happened was that they broke into mainstream success at last and Ruby immediately left them in the dust, prioritizing her own growth and success in a way that had a very real impact on the fan response the two of them got while they were busting their asses and trying their best to keep B-Komachi going in her absence. I don't think they would be wrong to feel honestly kind of used and hurt!

Obviously this isn't me saying that Ruby is a bad person or that she deserves to have Kana snap at her like that or whatever but… I dunno! It just feels good to have Mem and Kana finally address those feelings and admit to them without it compromising their genuine love and care for Ruby, which is one one of the main ways that the current gen of B-Komachi has surpassed the previous one. Kana especially touches on something I discussed last week in that I think her half of this shared RubyKana arc is going to be about confronting and besting her 'inner Nino', so to speak. Like Nino, she has those same tangled up feelings of admiration and envy, but Kana is capable of confronting them and identifying them. Most importantly, she loves Ruby enough to not let them take her over completely.

ANYWAY FORGET ALL THE REST OF THIS STUFF BECAUSE THIS WAS SECRETLY AN AI POST THIS WHOLE TIME MFS!!!!!!!! oh god this chapter review is already so long and now it's about to get even longer.

Anyone who's read any of my OnK meta before will probably know that I have always stood by one thing that I won't compromise on: Hoshino Ai was just a normal girl. She was a normal girl who suffered abuse and neglect and hated herself as a result, who was exploited by the entertainment industry because she was pretty and vulnerable, who didn't understand people but spent every waking moment of her too-short life reaching out so she could try and love them. The idea of Ai being fundamentally mysterious or unknowable, that the so called 'real Ai' had some horrible dark secret or that the supposedly 'true' Ai really was as horrible as Ai thought herself to be have never resonated with me. The 'real me' that is so horrible that Ai can only speak of her with black stars is nothing more than the flawed, hurting, abused human behind Ai of B-Komachi. I've said this all along and yet there's always been a little part of me worried that Akasaka was going to pull a fast one and betray that idea and rupture the heart of this character I've come to love so much.

To that end — I cannot tell you how insanely fucking cathartic the ending of this chapter was. To have Ruby at last come face to face with her mother as a human being and recognize her for who she really is. That this key final puzzle piece of the real Ai is centered on her pain and her loneliness and her raw humanity, that Ruby describes her as just a normal girl who was always crying and in pain… I genuinely don't have words to say how incredible it felt to finally, FINALLY have someone recognize Ai's suffering. And not just anyone, but one of Ai's children, one of the people she loved more than anything else in the world.

The imagery and framing here is so insanely powerful. Ai taking the place of Ruby's reflection, the look of weary, resigned pain on her face. How small Ai is when Ruby sees her. The barrier of the glass between them; even now in this moment of understanding, the unbreechable barrier of Ai's death keeps Ruby from truly reaching her. It almost feels skeuomorphic in how literal the visualization of this moment of connection and empathy is. Ruby literally sees herself in Ai — she sees Ai in herself. It's pure empathy made as real and tangible as it gets. At long, long last, someone has squinted past the blinding light cast by Ai of B-Komachi and seen Hoshino Ai alone in the shadows where she's been this whole time.

Break next week…! That was to be expected — Jump Festa 2024 will be taking place next weekend and there will be a OnK panel with the seiyuu for Ai, Aqua, Kana and Akane in attendance. We're confirmed to be getting some season 2 news as well, so there's that to look forward to!

[karliahs]

fic writer interview!!

tysm @plusultraetc for the tag!! <3

How many works do you have on AO3?

50 exactly!

What's your total AO3 word count?

234,906, almost half of which (110k) was written/posted this year. insane!!

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

darken your door (12,832)

walk a mile (5642)

swan dive (4857)

rescue (3905)

something else to pretend (3,572)

there's a theme here and it's bnha fics i wrote in 2019/2020

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

yes!! with several asterisks i'll get into in a minute. i try to respond to every comment i get because:

i genuinely really appreciate that anyone takes the time to tell me they liked a fic when they could just consume it and say nothing with 0 consequences, so i want to say thank you

some comments have a rly big impact on me - change the way i feel about stuff, contain phrases i remember for a really long time, make me cry, etc - and just like how if someone writes a fic that impacts me then i want to tell them, i want to tell people how much their comment mattered

i often only figure out why i did something or made certain choices in a fic until someone prompts me to talk about it. it's such a useful exercise for understanding my own work better

i genuinely adore rambling about my fics, it's arguably more fun than writing them in the first place

it's really nice getting to chat to commenters and get to know people!

however. there is a 3-4 year period where i didn't reply to any comments at all because i got overwhelmed and then felt like it was too late to try and catch up. this still haunts me a little bit because i got some really lovely impactful comments in that era but it just feels too weird to reply literally like 5 years late 😭

2nd asterisk is some fics i feel kind of embarrassed about and so don't reply to comments on, 3rd is that i'm bad at managing my comments inbox so i'm sure i miss people out by accident sometimes, and 4th is that if i don't have anything nice to say then i won't respond...i get almost no comments i think are intentionally meant to be rude, but sometimes i get ones that rankle for one reason or another and i won't reply if i'm just gonna be tetchy bc again, i don't think they're meant badly

so very much a yes in theory but not in practice 😂

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

bargaining chips i think. the funny thing about that series is that in some ways i think things would ultimately turn out better than in canon (there's a reason the 2nd fic has akechi promise to contact ren if he does survive, a thing that would have paid off in the 3rd fic i never finished). but as of bargaining chips it's very much...this is the POV of a person who thinks the only power they have left in the world is to hurt people

What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

my usual ending is like bittersweet and/or hopeful, so for example i feel a lot of things about the cathertic (for me at least) endings for redux and something else to pretend and unwanted, but idk if they can exactly be called happy.

going to my pure silly fluff fics instead where we pretty much start happy and end happy: to work, to rest which ends with the gang being happy about stickers, or class pets which ends with class a getting three (3) cats

Do you write crossovers?

nope!

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

not really! probably the closest was someone commenting on pathologised with just "WHERE IS YUSUKE?" in all caps 🙄 "why isn't my fave dude in your fic" is not a genre of comment i enjoy, though it's usually phrased more politely than that at least

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

nope!

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that i'm aware of, though it's apparently fairly rampant in bnha fandom with those "what if deku [x]" youtube videos. i think those are reserved for fics with actual plots though

Have you ever had a fic translated?

i think i've been asked for permission for people to do so before, but i don't think i've ever actually seen anything posted...someone did translate a little section of one fic into spanish in a bookmarker comment once, which was very fun because i remember little bits of spanish from school & years of sporadic duolingo

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

no but i think it would be so fun 👀

What's your all-time favorite ship?

mannnn i just cannot care about romantic ships the way that seems to be so ubiquitous in fandom. even when i try and write romance it ends up as like ambigious tenderness or Friendship With Vibes. the few times i've even written kissing it's been just a build up to a kiss after which the fic immediately fades to black, which is really funny in retrospect like...buddy, is that because you stop caring about what's happening once the kissing starts?

i am fond of erasermic, jontim and shindeku, though i enjoy them as platonic dynamics pretty much the same amount

What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

it mostly doesn't bother me to have tons of unfinished WIPs, i don't really put that expectation that everything i start will or should get finished/posted.

so the only one that genuinely bugs me is the third fic in seen and not heard, because i feel like i kind of promised it to people and then didn't deliver, and because it would have properly concluded a series i know a few people really connected with...and because the draft got to like 80% done but i could just never finish it off in a way i was happy with. maybe someday though

there's also a more recent bnha fic draft that i am really fond of in some ways, but i just could not take the discourse i think it would inspire. i might finish it just for me someday

What are your writing strengths?

cribbing all these from comments honestly but i think i'm pretty good at real-feeling emotional responses to situations. emotional realism, maybe? and writing introspection/people thinking and feeling things in general.

my characterisation gets complimented a fair bit, which is funny bc i think i actually take a lot of liberties with canon characters, but i guess i'm decent at couching those liberties in a way that makes it pass muster most of the time. like passing off a counterfeit watch as genuine

i'm somewhat good with grounding things in sensory detail, but that's one of those things i think i'll always be trying to get better at

What are your writing weaknesses?

i've never met a plot in my life and i don't want to. i also can't write longfic. in real-world terms i'm a short story writer and not a novelist - all those structural narrative things people do to make a long-form story work are just mystifying to me. part of that is just driven by what interests me though - i don't read a lot of plotty longfic either

i'm also still working on improving syntax and flow in my prose in general, but that's another one of those endless projects i think

oh also having more than two people in a prolonged dialogue scene is wildly difficult to me

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

i have no thoughts on this matter!

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

merlin! i wrote probably bad merlin fic on ff.net back when i was like 15/16. it's actually the reason i joined tumblr in the first place, bc my fave merlin fic writer had a tumblr and i got curious

What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to?

i'd like to write more about my silly little video game OCs. i've dabbled in it a bit before but i've never really invested in it because i know no one would read it/care. but i'm getting better at writing for myself and it is really fun to have records of these OCs that i love, so i hope i can write some stuff about the protag i make for new dragon age that i'll inevitably get deeply attached to

it's also kind of wild to me that i've never written for homestuck or dangan ronpa given the impact those two things had on my psyche

What's your favorite fic you've written?

my answer to this changes depending on the day but right now...something else to pretend my beloved

wow that got long. not tagging anyone but if you'd like to do it, consider yourself tagged!

[jedi-enthusiast]

Ok, here's the post I promised detailing why I take issue with Ahsoka's decision to send Kanan to find Rex in Rebels.

Disclaimer: This is not me "hating" on Ahsoka, this is just me being critical of a couple of her decisions.

To start off: Ahsoka knows that Kanan is a Republic Era Jedi, and common sense tells us that if someone was a Jedi during that time, they were almost 100% certain to have faced the clones during Order 66. Ahsoka may make stupid decisions sometimes, but she is not stupid. It was not lost on her that Kanan, only old enough to have been a padawan at the time (if she didn't recognize him from around the Temple), probably saw his master get brutally murdered.

Now, she might not know the details like we do, but it's made very clear that Kanan has definitely not healed from Order 66. Grand Inquisitor literally spells it out for us by taunting Kanan about his master's death and talking about Kanan having nightmares because of it, with Kanan being near tears and clearly blaming himself when he says that her last words to him were "run."

It is still very much an open wound for him and Ahsoka knows this, even if she isn't clear on the details.

"How does Ahsoka know this?" You might ask.

"You must trust him." - Ahsoka repeats this phrase over and over to Kanan in the beginning of the episode. She offers no other explanation or information except "hey this droid can track my friend" and "trust my friend." Nothing else.

Why would she say that, unless she knew that Kanan was going to react badly?

Now, even if Kanan was absolutely the only person possible who could've done this mission (which he wasn't), my main issue is that Ahsoka didn't give Kanan the informed choice of whether he wanted to go on the mission or not. She withheld information from Kanan so that he would go on the mission without a fuss, knowing that he would probably change his mind if he knew that her "friends" were clones.

"How would she know that?" - You don't withhold information like that for no good reason. If she didn't think Kanan would put up a fuss, or if she actually cared about giving him a choice on whether or not to face the men that helped murder his family, then she would have given him the full story and not just some vague message of "trust him."

("But Jedi-Enthusiast, the clones didn't want to kill the Jedi, they were forced to!" - Yes, we--as the audience--know that and so does Ahsoka, but Kanan clearly doesn't. It's shown in the episode that he obviously thinks the inhibitor chips were an excuse, but not the actual reason.)

Ahsoka's decision to withhold this information is not just shitty, but it's also really stupid.

What if Kanan's PTSD manifested like Wolffe's did?

Wolffe's first instinct upon seeing a Jedi was to kill first, ask questions later, until Rex managed to ground him.

What if Kanan's first instinct upon seeing clones was the same? Or, better yet, what if he wanted revenge for his master's death and decided to just kill them anyway?

She was lucky that Kanan's first response to seeing clones was shock, fear, anger, defensive position and not shock, fear, anger, violent response to seeing his family's murderers.

Overall, I just think she should've given him all of the information and allowed him to make an informed choice about whether or not to go instead of just letting him blindly walk into a situation that would remind him of his trauma.

[shatcey]

ᗪᕮSTᖇOY IᑎSᕮᑕTS

A completely unexpected story popped into my head. And somehow it became about Gilbert's birthday. It all started with my determination to protect Liam Evans, and somehow Gilbert showed up. These are totally different games, but I don't control the boys in my head at all. Let's imagine that Belle has a good friend Liam whom she cares about as if he were her little brother. And Gil (I have no idea how) is pretty calm about it. And… yes, happy birthday, Gilly. I very much like you… in a way. @judesmoonbeauty thank you so much for the advice. It really helped. Around 850 words. Belle is not canonical. She looks more like Kate, even scarier. But she's still adorable dense, as always. There's nothing to warn about here, but it contains a lot of pretty obvious hints.

The birthday party is in full swing. It was my idea, but it took a while to convince Gilly to agree. He was determined to celebrate only with me. I told him many times that there are a lot of people who actually fond of him, and I wanted him to see for himself. So after a long and… passionate arguement… he agreed with two conditions: I won't leave his side, and he will make me a dress.

The delicious dinner was over, and the guests began to gather in the ballroom to dance. Acting as a hostess, I moved from guest to guest, making small talk. As promised, I didn't leave Gil's side. He didn't touch me, but at the same time he did. The pure black dress didn't look depressingly mourning because of the very beautiful decoration with lace and stones and at the same time reminds of his shining hair. Every caresing of the smooth and soft fabric reminds me of his touch. Every time I move, my skirt makes a rustling sound, reminding me of his breath on my skin. Am I too obsessed with him or... I looked at the man himself… or how wicked can one man be? He smiled brightly at me, as if he had read my mind. Of course he did.

Gilly was in an exceptionally good mood. He acted almost like a normal person, smiling when people wished him a happy birthday and even exchanging pleasantries with them. Laughter and chatter surrounded us like a cocoon. Every now and then I caught his eye on me. He looked very proud, as if I were his own handiwork. I still don't know what he was thinking, but if it makes him happy, I don't really care why.

Suddenly, a phrase uttered not far from us caught my attention. I looked at the man very sharply.

Did I hear you right? You just say you hate Liam Evans?

The guy who dared to say that looks at me a little surprised. But something in my gaze stopped him from answering. Without breaking eye contact, I said.

Gilbert, bunny, could you give me your gun?

Suddenly, all the conversations in the room stopped, as if someone had turned off all the sounds. And the extremely relaxed atmosphere was replaced by a very cold one. All eyes were on me. I was used to constant stares, mostly pitying ones, but this was something totally new. It's like I turned into a monster in front of their eyes. Now I think I understand what it's like to be Gilly.

And where's your?

I turned to Gil and met his red eye, which showed a slight surprise, as if he was asking: "Who are you, stranger?"

I forgot it in my room… as usual. But I really need it right now. Could you?

I held out my hand, and Gil put the gun in it with a slight smirk. I grabbed the gun more comfortably and was surprised how pleasantly it lay in my hand. I like its coolness and heaviness. Never thought that the day would come when I would like it. Undoubtedly Gilbert's influence.

And why do you need it so badly?

I turn my gaze to a very unpleasant creature. The man cringed from my gaze and looked around for help. But people started to move away from him, and soon he was surrounded by a rather large empty space. We are in the Obsidian after all. What did you expect, mister?

If someone says that they don't like little kitten Liam, it's not a person, but an insect. And I despise insects.

I pointed the gun at the guy, still not sure if I could pull the trigger. But rage took over all my senses, and it was very difficult to think straight.

I must admit, the sight of an angry little rabbit is extremely arousing.

I turned, and both the gun and the gaze shifted to Gil. The words came out before I could think them over.

Do you wanna catch a bullet as well?

Why is there so much hissing in my voice? Gil shifted his gaze from my eyes to the gun and back and inhail sharply, something very familiar and at the same time alien flared up in his ruby eye.

We're leaving.

He took me by the hand and led me to the exit. Immediately a free passage was created for us. People simply moved out of our way.

But I didn't kill...

Later. It can wait.

Behind me, I heard a squeal and a heavy thud, as if someone's body had fallen to the floor.

What a weakling! - I whispered with a hint of contempt.

Another sharp inhail from Gil.

If you keep this up, I'm going to rip your clothes off right on the spot, in front of everyone.

His voice sounded like the roar of a tiger. Is he angry with me? I open my mouth, but instantly close it. I'm in a total loss. What happened? Gilly has never talked to me like that… Why now? Did I say something... wrong?

It was so sudden. Why did I even think that Gil would be into it? But the picture was so vivid that I couldn't resist writing it.

Bunny, could you come to me? Pretty please? (blink-blink) It's not very nice of you to occupy my thoughts and not do at least this little for me…

( ふふ、)

I guess you really like to piss me off.…

dividers @.saradika-graphics

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

🔝 𝕊𝕋𝔸ℝ𝕋 ℙ𝔸𝔾𝔼 🔝

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[sevensoulmates]

I wanted to say something to address some other posts I've been seeing about why some people would be "disappointed" that Buck getting with another man (causally or seriously) before Eddie would be the same as him getting with "another woman" and therefore remaining "on the hamster wheel". (I fucking hate that phrase now).

Anyway, this is SPECULATION because Bucktommy having any sort of romantic relationship is not confirmed yet.

BUT if Buck were to get with Tommy in any capacity I, personally, do NOT see it as Buck backsliding or returning back to Buck 1.0 (if he and Tommy are casual) or "not choosing himself" (ie. choosing Eddie immediately as his one true love).

First I want to address if Bucktommy are casual and if Buck just has a casual sexual relationship with Tommy that doesn't evolve into a full on long-term relationship. I would not see this as Buck reverting back to his Buck 1.0 ways. Because you guys are forgetting that Buck 1.0 wasn't just sleeping around to sleep around because he couldn't go a day without getting his dick wet. That's part of the reason why I didn't like in 7x01 that they were calling Buck a playboy because it, unfortunately, did not hit the truth of WHY Buck was sleeping around so much. Buck was sleeping with any pretty consenting girl he came across because he thought that was the only way he could get them to love him because he inherently believed that who he was would never be enough for anyone and that the only thing he could offer people was sex.

But sleeping casually with a man has a whole different layer to it that's inherently different than sleeping with a woman at this point in Buck's character arc.

He learned a lot in his relationships with Abby, Ali, Taylor and Natalia. Why wouldn't the same come from a relationship (of any kind) with Tommy? And him discovering that he's attracted to men and actually ACTING ON IT???? That IS choosing himself!!!

It is, unfortunately, a common bisexual/queer experience that sometimes people will realize that they do have a same-sex or nb/trans attraction AND opposite-sex attraction and they will CHOOSE not to act on their queerness because unfortunately, it is easier and safer to stick with the heterosexually perceived choice. This doesn't even have to be a conscious choice either. That's where comphet lives and thrives.

If Tommy is actually the catalyst that FORCES Buck to realize he has a real attraction to men (because again, it seems to me like Buck is not CONSCIOUSLY aware of his attraction to men and therefore was NOT sleeping casually with men in his 1.0 days or previous) then him actually choosing to act on it is MONUMENTOUS. We don't know how far that will go, if they will end up sleeping together or developing a bit of a relationship, or if Buck will actually be depicted on screen coming out. I don't know!

But sleeping casually with a man this time does not inherently have to mean that he's making the same old mistakes. It's possible we could finally see Buck setting firm boundaries, or it's possible Tommy says hey this is causal to me and Buck (as the GROWN MATURE SERIOUS ADULT y'all so badly want him to be) is able to accept that without being insecure about himself. There's so much we don't know that could happen as part of this relationship.

In my opinion, Buck allowing himself to actually go the tough route of exploring his sexuality IS choosing himself, opening himself up to a world of future possibility. And if he manages to actually be open about it with his friends and team too? Oh my goodness.

The circumstances are already LEAGUES different from where he was in season 1. If Buck is able to accept that he's into men, able to act on it and be open about it too? That IS accepting himself which was always the issue he had for many years. If he believes in himself to be enough to be brave and open about queerness as he discovers it? That IS "getting off the hamster wheel". It is breaking the pattern of self-destruction, of self-harm, of self-denial.

As for the possibility of it being a long term relationship, we already saw that Tim doesn't currently have plans for Tommy to stick around too long so I'm not really worried about that.

I personally believe that both Buck and Eddie require baby steps before they can get together romantically. Sorry to the people that just want them to confess and boom. I don't think that's satisfactory for myself and for a lot of other people and I don't think the writers would be satisfied with it too. I think we all want to see the nitty-gritty process of both of them realizing their queerness, the growing pains that come along with it, and the eventual step-by-step active choosing of each other.

Buck being able to accept himself and his queerness with another man is the perfect step to him eventually discovering that the place where his deepest love lives is in Eddie. You have to understand that Buck and Eddie have been STAGNANT in their relationship since season 4. They NEED something to come in and show them that their relationship CAN and SHOULD evolve and in order to do that they NEED to be BRAVE and take LEAPS. Buck with Tommy could be the first big leap. After that, it's Eddie's turn.

[skepsiss]

Long road ahead - pt 5

I might make this the second to last chapter actually because this ended very softly but without a firm direction. I like that tender things like this don't have to be definitive. Anyway, here is part 5 and the payoff for all the previous chapters. This part is not without its heartaches, so apologies, but if you like confessions I hope you'll like this. Also, surprise! A wild Dustin appears

TW: Miscommunication, swearing, and some self-hatred.

4,300+ words, Steve’s POV. 1 week and a half or so after their fight.

Pt1  Pt1.2  Pt2   Pt3 Pt4

--

He had fucked up. He had fucked up so badly.

Steve had been beside himself with sorrow and frustration for days as he went over and over the events of last week. He had been so unbelievably stupid and let his drunk brain take control. He hadn’t been able to help it–but that was just an excuse. It was all just excuses actually. But the way Eddie had been positively shining that night had made Steve feel irrational. It had made him irrational. It was so easy to get swept up into a party with someone like Eddie there who laughed freely and touched everyone he was familiar with. He had partially hung off of Steve’s shoulders and every time he came close enough to ‘rib’ Steve in one way or another–boast about him and charm the crowd–Steve had felt a bit more of his conviction waver.

It had been weeks, weeks, since Steve and Eddie had hung out and it had started Steve off on the back foot. Time apart sounded like a good idea, but the fleeting moments he had shared with Eddie in a group setting over the last month had only made him pine harder. It broke him up inside and it hurt every time Eddie turned him down when he asked to hang out. It hurt so fucking much, but each time he convinced himself it was the better, so of course he hadn’t been able to say no when Eddie asked him if he wanted to come to an end-of-the-summer rager.

God, he had been so weak and Eddie had been so fucking brilliant all night. It was like he had been apart for years and finally, Steve’s heart couldn't be contained anymore. He had let himself be reckless and he had gone and fucked up the whole night.

Steve was miserable at home by himself for days as he self-soothed the hurt away. Not only had he gone and ruined their friendship he had made Eddie straight up hate him. He had never taken rejection this badly before, but it couldn’t be helped with how long he had let this crush go. No amount of stamping his interests out had worked and then he had set fire to their foundation in one night. Less than one night… and now Eddie absolutely hated him.

He had been sworn at and crushed out, called terrible and cruel and Steve couldn’t deny that it was true. What had he been hoping would happen? Had he gone into it thinking they would kiss and then he could walk away from it all? He hadn’t been thinking at all, but something Eddie had said made him pause and it was dwelling heavily on his mind now.

Do you know how fucking badly I wanted you to kiss me all fucking summer?

He had said that--he had yelled it in his face--and after the initial shock, Steve had turned that phrasing over in his mind again and again.

It was to no avail though; what was he supposed to do with that piece of knowledge? How was he supposed to handle that and do anything with it? Was he supposed to feel regret for not acting soon or regret for acting at all? Just because Eddie had said it didn’t mean he wanted it–and it especially didn’t mean he wanted it now after all of that. He had been right to be mad, and he had been right to accuse Steve of leading him on.

Steve still didn’t think he could face genuinely pursuing Eddie, because what was worse than it not working out was the idea of Eddie accepting and risking his heart further. If he accepted that would mean… Steve couldn’t deny the fact that he was a freak too.

The doorbell rang and Steve had to muster all of his energy to pull himself up from bed. The doorbell had actually rung four more times as he slumped out of his room and down the stairs, trying to hush it with a ’yeah, yeah, I hear you’ to no avail.

Steve pulled the door open and Dustin stood there with his finger on the buzzer, making deliberate eye contact as he pressed the button twice more, giving Steve an incredulous look.

“Stop it–” Steve scolded, reaching out to swat Dustin’s hand away. He pulled back before Steve could make contact, frustration evident.

“Just making sure it works–what took you so long, huh?”

He was being a brat, acting like he owned the place like he always did and Steve didn’t have the energy to do anything else other than roll his eyes and sigh.

“What is with you, man?” Dustin asked, pushing past Steve and into his house.

“Henderson–” Steve half tried, his hand slapping lamely against his own leg as he turned to look at Dustin, “at least your shoes–”

“Yeah, yeah,” Dustin complained, wiping his feet on the mat and then toeing his shoes off, barely stopping his stride toward the living room.

“No one else home?” Dustin asked, surveying the two closest rooms to them–the kitchen and the living room–before turning to look at Steve who was still standing with the door open.

“No,” Steve answered, exasperated as he shut the door a bit dramatically, pinching his lips and looking back at Dustin.

���Good, so what the hell happened?” Dustin asked, crossing his arms and behaving as if he was the older one here.

“What are you talking about?” Steve asked, picking up Dustin’s shoes and putting them properly by the front door before walking past him and into the kitchen.

“You know what I mean!” Dustin declared, following and then leaning with his chest against the kitchen island as Steve opened the fridge to get something to drink. He kept soda and juice in the fridge for if and when one of the kids dropped by–even though most of the refreshments were regularly used up by Robin when she visited.

“No, I don’t,” Steve answered, frustrated, as he poured the soda into two glasses and put one of them within arm’s reach of Dustin. He didn’t go for it right away and instead gave Steve an unimpressed look, one that could have put Robin to shame.

“Yeah, well, why is Eddie saying you guys aren’t talking?” Dustin asked, finger quoting before settling back down with his chest on the counter.

Steve visibly cringed as Dustin spoke, the glass halfway to his lips before he was forced to break eye contact with Dustin and look away. He didn’t want to talk about this. He didn’t want to hear what Eddie had been saying.

“What the hell happened? Cause from the way Eddie tells it something happened, it’s your fault, and now you guys aren’t talking. That’s bullshit, man. Just apologize!”

Steve grimaced and turned his back to Dustin, not sure if he was going to yell or cry. He wasn’t looking to sort this out and he sure as hell didn’t want to explain all of this to Dustin.

“Come on, man!” Dustin grumbled, finally standing up in order to walk a dramatic circle over towards Steve.

“If I mess up, I apologize. It happens! Ask Lucas and Mike!” He exclaimed, pointing towards the front door as if his friends were in that direction.

Steve wasn’t interested in hearing this, he didn’t want to be scolded and treated like a kid when Dustin was four years younger than him.

“It’s more complicated than that,” Steve tried, attempting to drink his soda again as he took a tentative sip, still avoiding eye contact.

“Bullshit!” Dustin hollered, his hands shooting up into the air and then letting them fall again with a loud slap against his thighs.

“Come on, man. We’re helping him pack the van today.”

Steve’s stomach flopped hearing that and he hunched forward a bit as if closing in on himself would help the uneasy feeling growing in his belly. He already felt terrible and he didn’t want to be put on a time limit to sort out his own feelings. It was so much more complicated than that.

“Come on, man…” Dustin said again, his tone much quieter and edging into desperation. The sound of his voice tore at Steve’s heart a bit, the obvious hurt and confusion that was there because he just couldn’t understand why Eddie and Steve had fought.

Do you know how fucking badly I wanted you to kiss me all fucking summer?

“He’s not going to forgive me,” Steve said finally, placing his glass down on the counter.

“Yeah, he will,” Dustin insisted, that edge of annoyance back in his tone.

“No. He won't,” Steve sneered back, holding his tongue.

His tone seemed to surprise Dustin a bit because he went quiet for a moment which allowed the eerie silence of the Harrington home to make Steve uneasy.

“Well, say it anyways,” Dustin finally said, the words simple and somehow piercing through Steve’s heart.

Say it anyways?

“Just say it anyways and mean it… and then there’s nothing else you can do.”

Steve felt his throat getting tight at the sentiment behind those words. They weren’t wise because Dustin didn’t know what he was talking about, but they weren’t untrue either. Just say it anyways. Just say it anyways.

And then there’s nothing else you can do.

Steve pinched his nose and sniffed, covering up any emotions that could have slipped through. He had been leaning with his palms on the counter and he straightened up now, looking across the kitchen at nothing in particular.

“Yeah… alright,” Steve swallowed, feeling a bit foolish for having to have Dustin give him a pep talk. Maybe he was a bit wiser than Steve gave him credit for.

“Alright?” Dustin asked as if he needed to confirm that he had heard Steve correctly.

“Yeah, I said alright,” Steve repeated, putting on an annoyed attitude to cover up the fear and relief that mingled in his gut.

“Alright then,” Dustin replied, almost shocked that what he had said worked, “we going?”

Steve was hesitantly walking towards the garage door, a bowl of keys sitting at the far end of the kitchen counter.

“Yeah, we’re going,” Steve grouched, looking back over his shoulder as he picked up his car keys and rolled them between his fingers.

“Dump that, won’t you?” He asked, gesturing towards the cups of soda that had been left on the counter.

“Dump it? Dustin repeated back, offended.

“Yeah, dump it,” Steve mocked, holding the door to the garage open.

“No way!”

As if to prove him wrong Dustin hurried back over to the glass and made hard eye contact as he tipped the drink back and started to chug. Steve rolled his eyes with annoyance, obviously becoming irritated as he waved his hand in a ‘hurry up’ motion. Why was Dustin always such a brat?

Dustin finished the glass and put it down a bit too hard before belching loudly and putting his hand to his chest.

“Oh, uh, I think I drank that too–fast,” he burped, making a bit of a sour face as he walked towards Steve anyway.

“You think?” Steve replied exasperated, pushing Dustin through the door and into the garage.

—- –

Focusing on the road had been hard as they drove the short distance from Steve’s place to the Trailer Park. Dustin hadn’t stopped talking and Steve wasn’t sure if that was to cover up the awkward silence or because he genuinely wanted to try and liven the mood. Either way, he appreciated it in part, even though he couldn’t focus on all of that right now.

No, he needed to pay attention to the road and not get so far into his own head that he turned around and went home. He just had to resign himself to being chewed out and left for dead. Dramatic, but that was how it felt. At the very least that would mean he could properly bury this crush and maybe he’d be able to cruise through life not thinking about another man ever again. It was wishful thinking and it had taken him a long time to even admit that was what was happening to him–he still thought of it as this foreign thing instead of a part of himself. That was only half true though, because the worst thing that could happen was that Eddie forgave him. Maybe it wouldn’t happen right away, maybe it would be three years down the line or even twenty, but Steve wasn’t sure how he’d feel if Eddie forgave him.

But that was all he could do. He didn’t need to theorize and implement a fail-safe for something that was out of his control.

Just apologize and mean it.

Steve slowed the car as they drove down the gravel road and into the Trailer Park. Most of the homes here were new but still unimpressive. Many of the trailers had been replaced by the government program that came to do the ‘clean up’ and the real site of the ‘incident’ was roped off farther to the south. You could still see some of the rusting, metal homes through the treeline if you went looking for it. Steve didn’t go looking for it and he didn’t know of anyone in the party that would.

Steve had trouble pulling up because there were people all over the place. Gareth and Lucas, Mike, Nancy–everyone was here and totting boxes or struggling to move a heavy, wooden dresser. Fleetingly, Steve had seen Eddie standing by Wayne’s trailer talking with Benson before he had excused himself. No doubt he had seen Steve’s car, it was unmistakable; no one else with a BMW would drive down this way.

Dustin hopped out as Steve pulled to a stop. He took a moment to breathe as he turned the ignition off, the din of voices outside making his nerves flare until he finally mustered the courage to get out of his car.

No one drew much attention to him and Steve said some quick hellos before helping load a few things into Eddie’s van. He didn’t come back outside and Steve stood awkwardly with his hands on his hips, looking at the trailer. Someone elbowed him and Steve glanced down to see Dustin giving him another one of his frustrated looks.

Steve rolled his eyes and with the motion noticed that a few other people were watching him subtly. They probably all knew to some degree that Steve and Eddie had fought and that made him uneasy, but from the looks of it Eddie wasn’t going to come back outside unless he was forced. They were getting close to finishing the packing too, so it really only left one option.

Steve cocked his hip a bit and hung his head, breathing through the anxiety quietly before counting down in his mind and just walking into the trailer. No one stopped him, and the door had been left open for moving purposes. Everyone probably knew what this was about, or at least they knew Dustin had gone to get him for this exact reason.

Steve swallowed thickly as he stepped into the trailer and looked down the dark little hallway to Eddie’s room. The door was ajar, but he couldn’t see in and he was uncertain if Eddie was in there or not. Probably. If he had to place his bets.

Steve knocked quietly on the door, pushing it open just enough to see inside and spot Eddie sitting on the end of his bed. The room was mostly empty except for his unmade box spring and a few larger pieces of furniture. It felt weird to see it like this since the room had almost always been bursting at the seams with junk that Eddie had squirreled away.

“Yeah?” Eddie asked to the knock, only glancing up before looking away again.

Steve’s stomach flopped and his grip on the doorframe tightened slightly. Eddie wasn’t a ball of rage any longer, but he still looked distressed and he was pointedly not looking at him.

Steve swallowed and stepped the rest of the way into the room, half closing the door again before taking a seat on the end of the bed with Eddie. He didn’t want to give him any reason to refuse him, but it felt rude to sit down without asking. Eddie didn’t move away though–actually, he didn’t move at all.

Steve glanced at Eddie, unable to see his expression as his hair fell in his face, but his shoulders were hunched forward and his hands were limp on his own thighs. He looked listless.

“Hey…” Steve started, his tone gentle but not pandering. This felt so awkward, he didn’t know what he wanted to say.

“Can we talk?” He asked as he clasped his hands between his knees and looked ahead. He hadn’t wanted to ask that, but he didn’t know how else to start the conversation.

Eddie just shrugged in an indifferent manner, uncharacteristically quiet.

“So...” Steve breathed, tapping his thumbs together softly, “I’ve been thinking about what you said and… I’m sorry.”

Eddie tensed and Steve noticed right away. His shoulders rose up to his ears and his once limp hands were now fisted on top of his thighs. He still wasn’t looking at Steve so he couldn’t read his expression, but from his body language alone he didn’t seem happy.

“That it?” Eddie asked as the silence drew out between them. It hurt to be spoken to that way and Steve felt his airway tightening a bit.

“Y-yeah,” Steve answered, having to clear his throat halfway through because of how strained his voice sounded. He didn’t get up though and Eddie still wasn’t looking at him as he let the silence draw out between them.

“If you need any more help… moving stuff, don’t hesitate to ask,” Steve offered weakly, pressing his tongue hard against the roof of his mouth. Eddie didn’t move and Steve swallowed again, trying to remind himself he just needed to apologize and mean it… that was it. What else could he say?

With a heavy breath, Steve finally stood up, his head almost feeling light as the tension settled over him. That was it then, that was all he could do. Eddie would just hate him for the rest of their lives.

Steve stepped towards the door, intent on leaving Eddie to his peace and just wallowing in his own emotions for the next few days. He had lived through heartbreak before, he could live through it again.

“You’re unbelievable.”

Steve stopped as he stood at the door, his palm already pressed against the cool metal of the handle. He glanced back at Eddie who still had his head turned, but he watched as his shoulder shook a bit and quiet, bitter laughter filled the room.

“You came all the way here to say that?” Eddie asked, his voice accusatory but not as punchy as it usually was.

Steve pressed his lips into a thin line, not wanting to linger if he was just going to get yelled at.

“Yeah…” Steve replied, sounding sorry as he tried to steady himself, “I’m really sorry that I hurt you.”

Eddie barked a laugh and it startled Steve a bit, his throat closing up.

“You’re sorry that you hurt me?” He repeated back, acting as if Steve had just said the most unbelievable thing in the world.

The words made Steve’s heartache though, the sentiment behind the language so drenched in distrust and pain. All he could really think about was the insecurity that he had heard in every single one of Eddie’s words when he had tried to hide his scars or ask for a ride. How secretly fragile he was and how desperately he tried to hide that part of himself until he trusted you. How Steve had broken that trust completely.

“Yeah, Eddie,” Steve replied genuinely, his voice soft as he tried to speak to that heartache instead of his own feelings.

“I didn’t–I shouldn’t have done that to you,” Steve replied, his own insecurities threatening to come through as he felt his fingers twitch against the door handle.

“Why?” Eddie asked, sounding like a child all of a sudden as he curled up into himself. He pulled his legs up, wedging his heels under himself so he was sitting in a squat on the end of the bed.

“Regret it?” He asked, laughing a little bit as if the bitter remark had instead been an attempt at levity.

Steve felt himself frown and he let go of the door finally, trying to push past the stress that threatened to steal his voice.

Just say it and mean it, and then there is nothing else you can do.

“Of course I do,” Steve replied, watching as Eddie slowly started to shake his head, obviously starting to get frustrated again.

“That was a terrible way to tell you… that I like you.”

Eddie stopped moving at Steve’s words, his shoulders slowly hunching in more as he hugged his legs to his chest. He went quiet again and Steve resigned himself to admitting that this was probably as good as it was going to get. He regretted a lot of things, but nothing more than this–

“Since when?” Eddie asked quietly, his voice almost lost to the room.

It was Steve’s turn to freeze and go silent, as he stared at Eddie. He gaped at him, unsure of what to say to that before Eddie repeated himself.

“Since when?” He asked again, his voice a bit firmer this time, but he was still closed off to Steve.

“Since when…” Steve said back to him, understanding what he was being asked but unsure of how to reply.

“Since–” Steve tried, his chest flooding with butterflies as he tried to grasp at his thoughts, “since–I don’t know–since—since you came back.”

That wasn’t much of an answer but it was as close to the truth as Steve could get. He had been pining since March, but he hadn’t admitted it to himself for months. He hadn’t even wanted to admit it to himself today.

“All summer?” Eddie asked quietly after another pause.

Steve pinched his lips together again, fighting back the torrent of emotions threatening to swallow him whole.

“All…” Steve sighed, putting his hands on his hips, “all summer.”

Eddie finally moved as he tightened his grip on his legs and turned his head so he could press his face into his knees. Steve still couldn’t see his expression past his curtain of hair, but it was obvious that he was crying.

“You’re such an—asshole,” Eddie blubbered and the sound went straight through Steve’s heart.

“I know…” he swallowed, thinking back to how many times that had been said to him over the years, “I’m sorry.”

Eddie shook his head and sniffled, not looking up as he sat there curled in on himself. Steve didn’t know what to do, so he lingered for a moment before eventually sitting back down on the edge of the bed beside Eddie.

“Not like that,” Eddie muttered, shaking his head again and vaguely peering up from under his bangs.

“Sorry?” Steve asked, confused about what was being said to him. Did Eddie want him to leave after all?

“Not like that,” Eddie repeated, lifting his face marginally so his nose was pressed between his knees. “You’re a good guy… I’m sorry… I said that.”

Steve felt his heart lurch at those words, his breath shuttering a bit at Eddie’s correction. It wasn’t forgiveness, but it felt something like that. Mercy maybe. Mercy not only for what he had done at the party but somehow it felt like mercy for the past 10 years of his life.

“I’m moving,” Eddie mumbled quietly, his eyes red, but his cheeks freshly dry.

“I know…” Steve replied, sighing quietly and glancing away from Eddie.

“So…” Eddie swallowed, actually turning to look at him properly, his nose red and eyes a bit swollen, “so, what?”

Steve looked at him with confusion again, his voice sticking in his throat as he tried to puzzle out what this question meant. Surprisingly, his confusion actually elicited a laugh from Eddie who turned away again and pressed his eyes onto the top of his knees. He sounded half-charmed, and Steve let the note shutter his eyebrows up.

“So, what does this mean?” Eddie explained further, sounding shy.

Steve sucked in a breath and exhaled slowly. He hadn’t thought about getting this far. What did this mean? He didn’t know where to go from here.

“Do we…” he waffled, his expression pinched, “do we need to have a plan?”

Eddie seemed to consider the offer before eventually answering no and then looked back at Steve.

“We can figure it out as we go… if you want,” he offered and Steve felt his entire being quake at the prospect.

Figure it out as they went? They could just… figure it out as they went.

“Okay,” Steve swallowed, feeling a smile break onto his face for the first time in what felt like months.

“Okay, okay, yeah…”

Eddie let his legs drop as he slowly put his feet back down on the ground, his head hung a bit but his expression was much softer than it had been. He looked shy and perhaps a bit uncertain, but the emotions mingled nicely into the room as they both seemed to imagine the tender possibilities of what this meant for them.

[ai-the-broccoli]

DN ask game: 11 (lawlightmane), 24 and 25, please!

thank you for the ask!!

11. what do you think about (lawlightmane)?

I love them!!!

in terms of comedy, their yotsuba arc shenanigans were some of my favourite moments in the show. like I know how much this phrase gets said but seriously. world's worst toxic polycule. I always love horrible polycules in fiction, they're great fun (see gramarye ot3 and matt-juan-celeste-adrian from ace attorney; I ship the first one, and the second one is just so intriguing in terms of how fucked up it was. dysfunctionality, obsessive hatred & rivalry, murders, suicide, accidentally-implied grooming, dependency, untreated dpd [this one is like strongly implied in canon] and probably also bpd, npd and who knows what else mixing together in the worst way possible, the mysterious relationship between a codependent lesbian [strongly implied] working for years - in the role of his manager - with the womanizing bisexual male actor she fucking hates, the guy just having spy cameras installed all over his male rival's home for some fucking reason......... oh wait) but also! in this case they are like... surreal in such a nice way because of the contrast??? like it's so incredibly toxic and yet here they are. having the most godawful first date (canonically addressed as a date) in the animated sitcom that is called Death Note Yotsuba arc. love to see it. okay how do I explain the appeal here? uhh basically it's kinda like. gap moe.

now comedy aside (but also sorta combined with the comedic aspects; mainly I mean "moving onto it as a serious thing"). MAN. lawlightmane is just fucking insanely good in general. like it's like. it's many things, it is EXTREMELY compelling and an incredibly intriguing dynamic that is full of potential for many things. iirc after I first watched DN and got obsessed with it badly, I made a tierlist and on the topmost tier I put lawlight and lawlightmane (lawlightmane wasn't even an item on the tiermaker I was using, so I just uploaded a screenshot to use myself). both because it was very funny as World's Worst PolyculeTM, and because it's genuinely great. and now my opinions on all of those characters and relationships are much more developed, I think I definitely appreciate it more seriously on a whole.

regarding each respective one-on-one relationship involved in lawlightmane...

well I am. obviously majorly incredibly into lawlight as a ship (beloved otp-tier ship, and maybe somewhat on that tier across fandoms too; I think it's my top favourite canonically-m/m ship rn [maybe tied with another 1-2, but not necessarily]). not sure I need to elaborate since I mean it's lawlight, it's really good

and then law/mane [censoring since this is... negative-ish? so I'm not putting it in the ship tag]. uh full disclosure I have no interest in law/mane if light isn't involved in the picture sorry. (at least rn I've never seen anything that's convinced me) I can see the appeal, and I can also see why some people don't like it, but for me it's really just... well it's just not much my thing lol unless it's a lawlightmane-related situation. OH also personally I can't see it as a romantic thing per se, like my brain just really doesn't compute at the idea of "L is in romantic love with Misa" or vice versa even in an AU. but as for any sexual aspect, it's just a plain "this isn't my thing" situation (as in I'm not interested but the idea doesn't make my brain automatically go "???? [error 404 does not compute]" as a romantic depiction may). their dynamic also doesn't grip me like yagamane (also non-romantic -ish ship for me) does, so yeah, overall I can't say I ship it outside of shipping lawlightmane! HOWEVER as a dynamic it's pretty neat within lawlightmane too.

EDIT (before posting the draft): I woke up today and was about to add "actually I think for a ship such as law/mane, what would probably at least slightly convince me of it has be something thematic probably, so if anyone has any ideas related to how they thematically complement each other or such feel free to send them my way, I like that sort of stuff" but then as I was brushing my teeth my brain filled in the gaps vaguely myself. it's something related to gluttony/hunger/appetite etc. and uh... okay I can see it now ngl lmao. that being said even in that vein I still just like them in lawlightmane for the time being, what changed was that I now have a better feel of their dynamic within lawlightmane if that makes sesne.

moving onto yagamane. man I LOVE yagamane and their whole... *gesture vaguely*. I personally definitely don't see it as a... idk, relationship formed of mutual genuine romantic and/or sexual attraction, but like, it very much doesn't have to be. it's super appealing in the way it's sooooo fucked-up in all sorts of ways, including thematically, mutually, and it's incredibly compelling to chew on. I also love both of them as individual characters (extremely obsessed with light but also really love misa and find her fascinating to think about) so that helps.

anyway lawlightmane really is very good, imo. I love it, thanks for asking anon

24. any headcanons you want to share?

let's see, what have I not mentioned much here yet?

Matsuda has indeed sort of had a crush on Light

Soichiro considers himself a straight man but is not one

The Shinigamis technically can have sex despite what the author tells us, but they are largely asexual or at the very least on the ace spectrum

Kiyomi doesn't canonically present butch but she should be. in an AU where she lives to the future

Misa doesn't die after she attempts suicide near the end in the anime canon

Light should take to gambling, c'mon you know he has JUST the right personality for that shit, go for it Light, develop a gambling addiction instead of a serial killing one! you can do it!!

nsft-related:

weirdly to me Mello is mostly a dom except for when it's with Near. though I haven't thought about this extensively so my opinion can change

I'm not a 100% strict lawlight top/bottom purist per se but I'm sorry I completely can't digest a relationship where Light is exclusively or mostly a dom and a top while L is exclusively or mostly a sub and a bottom. I respect your (general "you"; as in whoever is reading this, not the anon) opinion if you do, and it's fair, but I just can't see it, it doesn't work for me. the dom part is more important than the top/bottom part for me also.

on that note my opinion is that Light TECHNICALLY can dom, especially in relationships with people other than L, but. he's actually just... not into it. he thinks that he is, but it will just turn out he isn't. he'll get the instant powertrip high over it for a very short period of time at first, and then he just. loses it, the high fades quickly and he gets bored as fuck. and he isn't into it at all and finds that he wants to be the sub to some other person actually. which in itself is something he'll find extremely humiliating but that's good too

anyway it's nearly a fandom consensus at this point that Light has a praise kink I think lmao. that I do agree with. I will propose that we also assign praise kink to Matsuda and Soichiro; it's already been done (well, one by someone else and the other by yours truly) and I think it makes sense tbh.

... actually on that note. my personal hot take is that we as a fandom should very much consider applying the "like father like son" principle to nsft involving Soichiro Yagami, in connection to Light Yagami (<- you must understand that I have a lot of those takes because the first DN fic and currently my only DN fic I've published off-anon is in fact a soichello fic. it is only natural)

also yes I think Kiyomi should be a dom and has S tendencies

Misa definitely gives sub energy. though I wonder if she can also dom

25. ramble on about whatever you’d like to

lately I've wondered briefly if MikaMatt (as a romantic? ship and/or as a platonic ship) would be good solely because I put them in the roles of Iino and Ishigami respectively in the Kaguya-sama AU (Iino and Ishigami are canonically subtextual love interests to each other, and they're a fun duo even though I don't particularly ship them romantically). however I still do not understand Matt much sadly so this might be as far as it goes [-> note: if any Matt fans see this and want to fill me in, feel free!! I'm always interested in hearing more]

speaking of Mikami. I def like mika / light casually but I often wonder how come I don't actively like it more considering my OTP in mgrc has the whole... god thing, as a major major major draw for me (see: my current blog header title is a reference to that ship). that being said I do get it because mika / light is different from hime / san in various ways outside of it so it tracks

Light should become friends with Chika Fujiwara (he'll hate her but hey. it's fine) and get into board games and card games, it will save him (maybe slightly. sort of. it will help a little at least.)

okay anon so. I'm going to take a wild guess here and assume that you're at least to some degree familiar with the J-drama adaptation (maybe you've watched some of it?), but if not you can still read this part I suppose.

it's so funny that every other adaptation of DN just gets progressively gayer and gayer because dude literally what the fuck was going on with j-drama lawlight lmfao

the fucking shower scene (and everything about it), the ??? scene where L hooks Light to a polygraph??? (no like what the fuck was that really. it's not as infamous as the shower scene, but the blatantly textual sadomasochism is extremely in your face in that one), and the whole blue sceneTM, and then Light practically kissing L's cheek after L's death, and everything else

with that being said. hmmmmmmm. anyway moving on to my feelings about the j-drama in general:

I liked it overall! some stuff in it are very nice. and I like the characters too, but definitely not as much as the canon counterparts.

importantly I absolutely have to see the drama and each character and each relationship in the drama as like, a whole separate thing from the animanga canon, because if I viewed it as an adaptation they would come off as awful whereas as its own thing it is nice.

I like j-drama Light a lot! ...but not even nearly as much as animanga Light, sorry. I have to see him as a whole separate character 100% (that way he's funny and cute-ish, and I can appreciate him), otherwise I can't enjoy him at all because I'll just be thinking "where's my beloved amazing perfect Bad NPD RepTM :( they nerfed him and now he's not relatable anymore" the whole fucking time <- wow this is very normal and doesn't say anything about me at all. dw about it

and on that note. ngl I have to complain a bit. so I've seen more than one person say that j-drama is so much more ""human"" than canon Light, and I mean, that's a fair opinion!! I get what you mean and I totally get where you're coming from. that being said... I'm sorry I don't agree and I'm not sure I like what that implies either. I know that compared to animanga Light, j-drama Light possesses various traits that are societally more associated with "humanity" but y'know what idk. I don't think that's true. to me animanga Light Yagami is extremely human. I think it is an incredibly human wish to desire to become a god, also

personally I don't think j-drama Light is a better person, if he commits the same atrocities as animanga Light and just simply feels worse/feels more empathy/feels more guilt or whatever about it. I strongly believe that your actual morality is determined not by what you feel but by what you do, like, someone who keeps doing bad things while feeling the societally expected level of bad for it is hardly a better person than someone who does the same things, no more, while being unable to feel as much [insert expected feelings] over it (but still doesn't do more bad things than the previous person).

anyway back to the j-drama. basically I like it, and I def have many fond feelings over it personally, but the watching experience wasn't as good as anime DN for me, and there is more stuff that I dislike. and also I can't compare it to animanga DN too much because as an adaptation per se it doesn't work at all imo (but as its own thing? it's fine and I like some stuff in it quite a lot).

anyway I think that's all on my mind for now!! thank you for the great questions, I had fun writing this

[crownmemes]

House Sentences, Vol. 4

(Sentences from House (2004-2012). Adjust phrasing where needed)

"How long can you go without sex?"

"Don't you think that's a little manipulative?"

"You blow-dry your hair?"

"Excuse me for actually caring what I look like!"

"Marriages don’t fail because couples get bored. They fail because, while they’re dating, people pretend to be the person they think their partner wants and then, well, there’s only so long you can keep that up."

"People don’t change - at least, not in any way that really matters."

"I thought we were going to grow old together..."

"If you two guys can't play nice together, I'm taking away your toys."

"I don't care whose fault it is!"

"Revenge is motive for success."

"You have a gift for manipulation."

"God, you're weak."

"What does a guy have to do to make you hate him?"

"Pain makes us make bad decisions. Fear of pain is almost as big a motivator."

"You are in my locked office. Again."

"Why don't you want to work for me?"

"You can't just be walking around! You've lost blood!"

"You only talk to people if you have to, and then you insult them while showing off how insightful you are."

"Here’s how life works: you either get to ask for an apology, or you get to shoot people. Not both."

"Who showed you your surgical file?"

"You messed with my brain?"

"Why do you want so badly not to be human?"

"Are you hallucinating?"

"I don't remember how I got here..."

"How can I tell what's real and what's not?"

"You are not healthy!"

"Does that make me evil?"

"I don't remember you being this bitchy."

"Just because you were right doesn't mean you weren't wrong."

"I'm not weird! It's just that weird things keep happening to me!"

"Have you watched any X-Files that inspire an explanation?"

"You're not nearly as delightful as you think you are."

"All change is bad? It's not true, you know."

"That was one of the stupidest things you have ever done!"

"I'd love to gossip, but I've got work to do."

"People who are innocent tend not to try to hide their arrest."

"Never underestimate the stupidity of an addict."

"You know what's wrong - you're just too stubborn to admit it."

"You would never give up this easy if you weren't so busy dealing with your own personal problems!"

"I'm not the one who talked to the cop!"

"I'm going to give you a moment to reconsider that answer, because if you're for some reason mistaken, I will find out, and that will not be good for you."

[imaginespazzi]

Nivi Nivi Nivi. How dare you deliver so spectacularly. Us fluff girls need this kind of reprieve from the delicious angst as my heart is weak and I will fall into a severe depression if not treated tenderly with random fluff chapters. Thank you mommy.

April 2030

AHHHH KK!

Ok this tension is making me sad

Bullying Ice makes me laugh poor gal

Going to the bar, ok I know immediately where this is headed lol

Azzi loves to say WIFE with such distain. I don't think we gave credence to how upset the whole Olivia situation made her. I think she prob felt she didn't have the right to be upset. But she fucking hates her hahah. 👰🏽‍♀️🔪⛹🏽‍♀️

"there isn't a wife" i don't know why but this phrasing is very funny

Ok can I just say I really like how you integrated them sleeping together here. I know you said writing the chapter with 2 sex scenes in shades of blue almost killed you lol, but as the leader of the horny anons, a reference to them having sex still satisfies me greatly haha

April 2033 - Officially not the book of Mormon.

ok wow I really expected this to pick up right where we left off with them going right from the bathroom to the bed. They have restraint that I certainly don't have.

"Because the last couple of weeks had been hell. The stupid rules had been hell. Going slow had been hell. "

YA WE KNOW ITS BEEN HELL FOR US TOO. -> How has Azzi been surviving this either, we know she is equally as horny as P. Must have a really good rabbit or hitachi magic wand or gotten a custom vibrator made in the shape of paiges fingers that is keeping her more level headed than paige

“are you cold?” lol Azzi this is lame you nerd

“I think- I think her bed might be a little small for you.” ok this is a funny visual but actually cute cause she has probably gotten into Stephies bed to read to her at night and picturing her all hunched and uncomfortable is adorable

“make me stop thinking.” -> CHOIR OF ANGELS SING HALLLLLLLELUJAH, HALLLLELUJAH, HALLLLLEEEELLLUJAHHHHHHH

Ok you said before you don't consider yourself a great smut writer but I have to again say you are AMONG THE BEST. You are so incredible at conveying the intimacy/rawness of sex without being over the top/porny lol. I love the details of this scene sooo much, I've read it about 4 times already

Azzi kissing paiges body and noting everything she missed 😭😭😭😭

“missed all of this. Missed everything about you. Missed you so much baby.” -> I COULD CRY. I am cry. 😭😭😭

“Please what?” Azzi asks coyly, fingers moving at a faster face as she hides a grin against Paige’s neck, “gotta tell me what you want baby.” -> AZZI YOU WILEY MINX

“How have you gotten better at that? Actually you know what never mind,” Paige shakes her head, “I don’t want to know that.” -> hahaha Paige don't worry Clem didn't teach her new French fingering techniques.

Azzi being vulnerable about her body my sweet sweet baby

“Hey,” Paige whispers, lifting the younger woman’s chin back up before pressing their foreheads together, “talk to me baby.” -> wow so this whole time they just needed to bang to turn into excellent communicators?!

THE OTHER TIME? You are telling me they had sex again between the flashback from the beginning of the chapter and now?!?!!? OHHH you little easter bunny you 🐣. I am thinking this was some kind of Olympics related drunken celebration in 2032 - which would be like 6 months before the start of the story 😮 . And that probably ended badly in the 'LAST TIME' Jana references in chapter 1. Cause something fucked up happened between April 2030 and the beginning of the story for sure. You weave a real web Nivi! 🕸️

they keep calling each other Baby and I can't take it and I hope it continues

Ok did not see Azzi having a tattoo coming. Hot. Wonder if Paige has one. A big OLIVIA on her butt cheek she tried to cover with a map of Bolivia

Azzi returns from the bathroom with a smile and a damp cloth as she hops back onto the bed, gently dabbing it between Paige’s thighs. -> ok this is really intimate and sweet, brb going to give my gf shit for never doing this for me

April 2033 part 2

Ok I am normally a Paige girl but you are really converting me to an Azzi girl with these visuals. Waking up to Azzi reading in glasses sign me up

“Yeah you did,” a soft smile takes over Paige’s features as she leans up to brush her lips against Azzi’s, “you came back.” -> D'AWWWWWW

I knew Stephie and Katie were gonna pussyblock them in the morning 🐈🙅🏽‍♀️🙅‍♀️

"you’re not my dirty little secret or anything." -> ok I know his made P happy to hear, but actions speak louder than words. Not hiding her in her house from family is not the same as being open in public. STEP IT UP FUDD.

"I’m not quite ready to tell Stephie about us" -> ok girl she is a smart kid she is going to figure it out soon with all these sleepovers and ya'll are not going to be able to keep your hands to yourself no that you are going coital -> These bitches need to have a status convo. cmoooooon be gf/gf.

April 2033 part 3

LOL at Katie smirking in the background of this scene. She seems like the kind of parent that doesn't shy away from talking about sex, and liking Usher with his shirt off.

YOU GUYS HAD A SLEEPOVER WITHOUT ME -> hahah oh Stephie girl trust you don't want to witness any part of that sleepover. In about 10 years you are going to be disgusted by the sounds you hear when their door is locked. Get the girl some sound cancelling BOSE* headphones. *this review is sponsored by Bose.

Stephie milking it. Ok Paige is hilarious but this scene actually got me thinking, there is going to be a time where Paige shifts a little to be more responsible/parental with her Stephie interactions. I am curious how that change might come. I honestly can't picture her disciplining her but its part of being a parent, so she's gotta learn how to do it and not give in all the time!

In-N-Out just makes me think of those pictures of Paige's fine ass at the espys eating a double double in that suit. rawr.

And Paige thinks that when all is said and done, when she looks back on her life, she’ll remember this moment as the one where everything started to finally come together. -> I hope so Paige, but the person writing you can be evil sometimes so who knows

Well, this was fantastic. I love you, you spoil us, praise be to Nivi. 🤱🏻💜

Mommy remains insane work but I had a little tiny hunch you would enjoy this chapter lmao <3

Poor Ice fr fr

Olivia and Azzi really and truly don't fw each other and for good reason.

I simply could not write 2 smut scenes in the same chapter again. I don't know how I did it then but I certainly could not do it now like I'm ngl writing smut makes me cring and I have to repeat "for the people, for the plot" to myself life sermon while I'm doing it

LMAO no longer the book of mormon at all

IN THE SHAPE OF PAIGE'S FINGERS LMFAO (hmmm ideas for myself)

Thank you! I will never think it of myself but I'm glad y'all had fun and your horniness has been fulfilled lol

That post-coital communication is just different what can I say

I am Spider-Writer welcome to my web that I myself am slightly wrapped up in because I keep weaving and occasionally forget where the threads are going lmao

HEY LISTEN AZZI'S TAKING BABY STEPS AT LEAST SHE'S MOVING

Katie has no shame and she will not let anyone else be ashamed either and I love her for it

I think there's still a little while before Paige is going to become more disciplinarian with her but she is eventually gonna have to learn, you're right.

Also

Yes this was my favorite part too tee hee

[tired-fandom-ndn]

Hi Error! I'm curious: is there any kind of ~proship content (a trope or kink or even specific phrasing or art style) that gets used a lot but that you aren't personally into, to the point where it ruins the stuff you do like? This is me with age gaps. So many wonderful kinks and fucked-up scenarios out there, but my libido just disappears if there's a huge age difference 😔. It's inconvenient! I'm just curious about others experiencing the same - do you try to read the stuff anyway? Do you do a lot of strategic filtering? Also, do you have any tips for gracefully saying "I am not into that, in fact it's a squick and I prefer not to talk about it, BUT I AM NOT MORALLY JUDGING YOU and I support your many ships that I cannot enjoy" to a new acquaintance? I swear this stuff was simpler 15 years ago.

PS: on consideration, my previous question - about proship stuff you dislike - might come across as being all TELL US YOUR TRIGGERS NOW, which is really not my intention. I'm just curious about how you deal with that kind of mismatch! Apologies if it came across weird; again, I think this fandom climate makes conversations super awkward.

No worries, I understand what you mean completely!

There's actually quite a few "proship"/problematic things that squick me out badly enough that I avoid them even when the rest of the work is completely up my alley. Most of them are even listed out on this blog (my pinned post links to a list of "hard limits") but the biggest one I can think of is any form of ageplay; age regression, diapers, CGL, etc. I absolutely will not engage with it at all no matter what and I use a lot of filtering (and sometimes the mute and block buttons) to avoid it.

There's other things I don't like and that may even turn my stomach a bit, but that I'll try (or skip over lmao) when the rest of the fic/game/etc is appealing enough for me. It just really comes down to how prominent it is and how rare the other kinks/tropes are; if it's something hard to find that I really love, I can tolerate most things lmao. I'll deal with tentacles if it comes with some good whump and mommy kink is tolerable if I like the ship enough, y'know?

In my experience, "that's not my particular cup of tea but I'm glad everyone is having fun" is usually a good way to say that you're not into something without offending someone. Though sometimes I still get people complaining in my inbox about me saying I don't like stuff, so I guess there's no pleasing everybody. It IS super awkward though; it feels like everyone is on edge and expecting an attack, so any indication of not liking a kink/ship/etc is interpreted as hate no matter how nice or polite it is.

[lover-of-mine]

I can't find the post you mentioned it in, but I swear you have brought up the power imbalance and age difference with Tommy in Canon calling him kid. If that wasn't you, sorry for wasting time. But I was curious about your thoughts on something.

I'm a believer that the last scene wasn't supposed to be there. The last one was the medal scene, and you know that would have still worked with him coming back next season. I think it was added for extra ick because everyone on the other side just skipped over "kid".

The thing is, it's established that Buck is the kid.

BObby, well we now know he thinks of him as a son. But since season 1 he routinely calls him and only him kid.

Athena obviously has maternal feelings for him.

Hen was his older sister before the real one came. She continues to do this with him even with Maddie.

Maddie.. Well she's a combination of Hen and Athena.

Chim. Older brother before becoming it. Who yes routinely referred to him as kid.

Even to Carla, he's Buckaroo. Heck, the inmates that kidnapped him. He called him kid. Kid is basically established lore to how he's viewed. And yes, they chose to have Tommy say that, and yes, it means something to me, especially when you through the put of place Daddy joke in.

I did mention it, quite a few times actually, but the way you phrased this made me think about the beginning of Buck and Abby actually. You made it click why the joke bothers me so much, because the thing is, the whole age difference was a thing that was made into a joke of sorts with Abby in the beginning, but it never happens in front of Buck or directly from Abby. Carla is in the background calling Buck a boytoy and Abby a cougar, and it's supposed to be cute that Abby wants the hot firefighter who happens to be 16 years younger than her. But Abby is the main character, Buck exists to serve a purpose for her in s1, so he's isolated from the age difference comments, even though Buck keeps giving this boyish energy. Buck very much is the baby of the group. But when you think about Abby, Abby is conflicted by the age difference even though she ends up asking Buck out, so even though the age thing could be a problem, it's not what's actually exacerbating a power imbalance, the thing there is that Buck is more in it than Abby, the age there is not a deciding factor. But when you look at Tommy, the way he calls Buck kid, the way he, in a sense, is making decisions about what he thinks Buck is feeling, like kissing Buck out of nowhere or deciding Buck is not ready by himself and leaving him in the curb, a daddy kink joke directed a Buck as Buck opens up about his issues, ends up being dismissive in a, (I don't wanna say disturbing because it doesn't go that far, but my English is failing me and that's the only word I can think of) it's more than unsettling but it's not quite disturbing, but it leaves a weird taste in my mouth because Buck is never taken seriously, and he wants to be taken seriously so badly he ends up trying too hard and that just makes him crash harder, and, as someone who knows Buck and didn't see enough effort in establishing Tommy as someone who truly cares about him, the "God, I hope so" kinda sounds like he just wants to take advantage of that eagarness Buck has and that's not it. Like, it's so not it. And you may be right to some degree, we did see behind-the-scenes stuff with Lou in the hospital that didn't make the episode, so they made a choice to have that dinner happen that way. But the question is, do they know that joke could be received like that, or did they just think that would be a funny thing to throw in there no one would look at twice? Because the thing is, I don't like Tommy and it got to a point where I'm looking for things to hate, so I look at that in the worst way possible, but if we are assuming intention of creeping people out, we can't exist in a plane where everything about Tommy will be instantly received poorly by everyone, because the joke landed. It's only a problem when you think about it and it was placed there as a throwaway comment. Because, Buck and Abby, it's never supposed to come out as weird, even though Abby used her job to get Buck's number and Buck is still living in a frathouse, so are they trying to make Tommy seem as weird as he comes off to us or are we interpreting things in the worst possible way? There's a balance there that I can't seem to find yet, because the show didn't build enough of the relationship for me to look at it objectively and know.

[9w1ft]

if everything karlie posted are actually Easter Eggs for her showing up at the premiere, i truly deeply hope she shows up with taylor as her friend again. people dragged her hard for showing up at Eras with no proof she's in contact with Taylor. can't fathom the hate if she does it again. i hope they're both fucking aware of that. like fr if she shows up like she came on her own again i'd be starting to think we got this wring and and she's actually trying to get taylor's attention & taylor's just ignoring her. i'm nervous for karlie at this point. i've been willing to overlook taylor not doing much to clear karlie of these betrayal allegations but if this happens a 2nd time and don't even take a selfie i think shit might be going wrong bts. karlie does seem smart though so i pray she knows how badly it'll look for her if she goes and doesn't associate with taylor at all

hmm i dunno.. does it really look bad for her outside of twitter people that don’t know what they’re talking about?

because she keeps adding on partnerships and attending new conferences and kwk is going strong and i just don’t get the sense she took a hit.

i get the distinct impression that karlie really doesnt care about the opinions of the people who don’t understand. or to put it another way, i think what would be more important to karlie is taylor acknowledging what she does. that she understands. and that’s something we as fans cannot necessarily see.

idk if i can express this correctly but to me it’s something that happens with long term partners all the time. my interpretation of things based on songs and other stuff is that, i think there was a point in time where karlie was left wondering if taylor understood how she (and josh) were treating her (song candidates including stuff like illicit affairs, the great war, wcs, ylm) or if taylor appreciated the sacrifices to her life that she was making.

like maybe at some point in the rhythm taylor began cutting corners on communication and assuming that karlie would implicitly agree with whatever things she would set up, and so maybe she did not take as much care as she could have here and there, and maybe it was a sense of being taken for granted that hurt, or moments where taylor may have succumb to paranoia and did things without trusting her that hurt. i think those are the things that hurt, not what any rando on the internet might say.

i get the sense that karlie bottled up these feelings until they burst out, upon which taylor and karlie finally had an honest conversation about it, and they got on the same page, and taylor wrote many songs that articulated how she understands karlie (afterglow, renegade, among others).

one thing i know is karlie would not have gone to eras tour so soon after giving birth if the opinions of people on the internet hurt her. full stop. let alone so soon postpartum. i don’t care how much you hate someone you are simply not going to a coliseum full of beasts when your body is —for lack of a more polite but expressive phrase— still mushy. so i can only assume that they are in lock step about what they would do and that taylor has become probably quite careful about the way she sets things up and expresses her appreciation for karlie along the way.