#I am not doing anything wrong but I’m just scared

[cleolinda]

JANUARY 5: I got turned around and went all the way back to the cemetery. You know, the second place you go ever in Silent Hill 2.

JANUARY 6, TWO WEEKS AGO: I actually downloaded and learned to use Audacity to clean this audio up at least a little, because a beloved family member opened and closed the garage door at the beginning and end of my very first attempt at fighting anything in a video game ever. (A "lying figure" that vomits acid at you; I don't describe it and you don’t hear it, but consider that a content note.) I would have scrapped the recording, but you never get a first time twice, I guess.

By this point, I am still bumping James into things and my camera movements are a bit wild, but I can mostly get him through doors.

(Comments directed at my player character are in parentheses.) {Comments directed at the enemy/monster are in brackets and bold.}

[Muttering at first:] All right, so I gotta get to this door to get our radio, our monster detector/wife communicator. (All right, point you through the door—we're gonna die. We're about to die.)

Okay. [Determined sigh.] I've got the mouse, the external mouse. We're gonna move the phone back a little bit to record. [Sigh.] 

(Go ahead and look at your nails. Go ahead and grunt at me.) 

I have to... I’m gonna take off my sweater, it's getting hot. Here we go. [Pep talk:] No, I got a mouse. I got a mouse. Everything is left click. Everything is left click, except space is dodge. And then we hope we're not gonna die… okay. Listen, if this is humiliating, the point of it is that y'all can laugh at me. That is the point of this recording. 

All right, can't turn back. What—get the—get the camera! Okay. When I hit this letter E... [sigh] I can't turn back. Shit starts up. Here we go: E. 

[Unfortunate sound of garage door.] Ohhhhhh, here's the cutscene, ohhh nooo. Okay, here's the monster, I'm so scared. I'm not scared of the monster, I'm scared of getting humiliated. (I know, I'm not happy about it either, James.) It breaks... it breaks through the... wooden... barrier somebody has. It's... fucked-up looking. He turns around... he grabs Nails on Stick from the window. “Stay back,” he says—oh, my God. [Vehement mouse-clicking.] Oh my God. Hit it. Hit it, hit it. Oh, we're not doing terrible. We're not doing terrible.

[Indignant:] {Oh no, don't you hit him!!}

Ohhh, I got vomited on. Okay. [Tone you would use to beckon to a small animal:] {No, no, c’mere... c’mere...} I got vomited on a lot. Here we go. {No—don't you dare, don't you dare—}

Oh, oh God, okay. Heal? Heal? Heal. Just—fucking heal. [Garage door.] Okay—oh, that was a good one. Got a good hit. {Oh, don't you fucking do that.} Oh God, he's gonna die. He's gonna die—I've never done this before. He is gonna die so hard. [Vehement mouse-clicking.] Hit it. Hit it. Stomp it. There we go, get it. {Are you dead? [Click.] You're not dead. [Click.] You're still not dead. [Click.] } (Stomp it. Stomp it. Okay.) {Are—are you dead?} Ohhh it’s dead—he said, “What was that thing?” [which indicates that the tutorial is over], he’s dead, she’s dead, somebody's dead. 

Okay, so I'm dying. I'm like, super plus… dead. Okay... I've got the plus sign [that indicates you are near death] come up. 

(I know, buddy, I know, I deserve everything. I deserve all bad things.)

Do we go through the door? [I hit the wrong key:] He's dodging. Yeah, that's fair. Okay, we go through the door? We don't go through the door. The game is like, “Fuck that door. You can't go back.” [Long pause.] He's trying to go through the door. 

(Sweetie—sweetie, can we—thank you. Why… why are you… swinging at things?) 

Oh, he's limping so bad. He's... he's... he's hurtin’. He's hurtin’ real bad. 

At a key point, I accidentally held the V key down, which means I… would have used a syringe [a healing item stronger than a health drink], except I don't have one yet. That was bad. Please give me a syringe. This man is... not doing well, he's not. He's struggling. A lot of my problem—

(I know—sweetie, don't make those noises. I'm so sorry. I'm doing my best. Come on. My best is—) 

[Long gasp] It’s a syringe box!! (Go get it! Go get it! Get it! You can make it, you can make it.) You have to tap V for health drink and you hold it down for syringe and I didn't have a syringe yet. And that cost me precious time. Yes... he’s struggling, he's struggling so bad. 

[After using a syringe to pretty much fully heal:]

Okay. All right, so now we're gonna go through a window, right? We're gonna go through a window, we're gonna learn to do that. Oh, he's doing a lot better now, okay. Press—yeah, okay. Breaking glass is like the primary mechanic early on [laughing], that’s mostly what you do. Okay, so he's gonna stop and listen to the radio.

Okay, that was rough. But... I did better than some people. Some people get killed. Some people get killed in that first part, I did okay! [Tiny voice:] I didn't feel okay. I did okay! I got him out! (That's your wife, that's your wife on the radio. Just—let's get through this.)

I may go back to that save and try it again at some point. But see? It wasn't terrible? It wasn't terrible, we did okay! We did okay... 

That was… bad. That was ugly. That was real—

(No, I'm taking you—I'm going to—I'm sorry. I bumped you. I'm sorry.)

------

After that, I practiced fighting in the first area of the game on a couple of mini-runs through South Vale, and then went through the next two major areas. I'm very good at fighting basic monsters now, plus I’ve learned enough OBS to record gameplay with voice commentary! I’ve already inflicted further audio clips on everyone on Patreon, and I’ll probably bring a few more over here. As of today (1/22), I'm about to fight Pyramid Head for the first time, possibly with a video clip, and that'll also hit Patreon first.

If nothing else, it’s been fun to document my progress. I really did not think I was the kind of person who would stalk a dark apartment shouting “I HEAR YOU! COME OUT! COME GET ME!” but here we are.

[ihearnocomplaints]

I point you all to my ko-fi page once more -> link

my parents, enraged that I didn’t sort a massive mound of clothes yesterday (after doing the other chores they asked), essentially decided they are going to start charging me rent.

So this is just in preparation for that moment when they do start asking. I’m still trying to save up to move out. It’s not a huge deal yet (idk how much they’re going to charge) so there’s no pressure to donate.

I work a full time job so I can’t really give much in return. But I can take doodle requests upon proof of donation! I’ll doodle any DCA you want.

Thanks.

[heaven-zent]

i love ttcc i love talking about ttcc i love talking about ttcc with people who love talking about ttcc but i am doomed to be terrified of the official server and of talking to other toons in game. i will never be free

[nonsensechemicals]

crying whenever i talk about Cookie9 because all my friends have these interesting and unique theories on them while i take everything too literally and they all just stare at me like “dude… uuugh we r TIRED” <-they dont actually say this they are very kind to me but i can Feel It

[lightblueminecraftorchid]

My roommate and I had a conversation last night and I keep rotating it in my brain and I Don’t Like It

[callixton]

ohhh i’ve been home for like three hours and already i am on edge. i feel like i can’t cough now bc my mom hears and it’s distressing her over the overall state of my health so much that she came into my room with tears in her eyes. like i know it comes from a place of love but holy shit i cannot take this all summer.

[professionaljester]

idk a man is sick of not celebrating its birthday with a group close knit friends and food like everyone else is that too much to ask

[buck-yyyy]

everything is wrong so fucking wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong

edit: i hit tag limit. warning for an insane vent about maybe-abuse i guess though i doubt many people will read it

[oasisofgalaxies]

I hate that my first response to the question, “how do I remember how to write this character?” is always, “rewatch/reread the series, take in depth notes, and write a comprehensive guide book” like. cmon man.

[pissfizz]

The mental unwellness has transferred into physical unwellness

[ultravioletlesbian]

the solution to social anxiety is...to socialize...see the dilemma

[cocainecowgrrl]

womp womp

[explodinglotion]

it’s raining hard

[gregmarriage]

it’s so hard being a lesbian, bc it’s in our nature to bring out the u-haul immediately, but also, i have a really bad habit of rushing things in an unhealthy way, and losing myself. so now i’m trying to take things slow with ppl (it’s…difficult 🙂)

[elytrafemme]

ok i need to be very kind to myself and acknowledge that i had a good day regardless of how it ended but i did find out that my other best friend (no.4) is asking someone out meaning nearly every person i know is either at that stage or in a relationship and i’m wondering at what point do i start ramping up my insanity in hopes of finding any kind of love

[celestialmancer]

⛈️ ❌ ❌ ❌ // 2:09 am, tbd ;