#the fuck is my roommate even *seeing*.
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My roommate and I had a conversation last night and I keep rotating it in my brain and I Don’t Like It
#blue chatter#they called me a resilient person. and no the fuck I am not. I break down so easily over everything and my body is falling apart on me.#I scream in terror when someone knocks on the door too hard the fuck you mean I’m good at handling adversity#I pointed out that I freak out whenever my grade gets low even a little bit#and they were just sitting there like ‘yeah. and then you pick yourself up again and you do the work.’#and no? not always? oftentimes I give up and don’t try hard enough to fix it and let points go that I could have earned#I barely ever go for extra credit opportunities and I’ve never gone to office hours of my own free will#I can’t even think about talking to a professor about a bad grade without wanting to cry? hello?#but they were insistent that even with those things I am still managing Incredibly Well in class given the circumstances. which made me#uncomfortable. like. I don’t think of myself as resilient At All and I feel a bit like I’m lying or tricking them.#I start shaking like a chihuahua when people are upset and I’m In The Vicinity. even when they’re clearly not upset with me.#I really struggle to advocate for myself ever and even when I do I usually feel guilty and walk it back partway so I don’t cause a fight#and I always get way too emotional for the situation when someone has anything they’re upset with me for. which isn’t fair to them bc I need#to be able to take constructive criticism without taking it as a personal attack on me.#like what the fuck do you mean *resilient*. I can’t even handle seeing a bug flying near my face or getting a B in a class. or being told#that I did something wrong. I’m actually significantly worse at handling adversity than I used to be. high school me was a resilientish kid.#and it’s not like I was ever *good* at handling my emotions. even when it was essential for my safety. I’ve always cried way too easily#even when it actively made the situation I was in Much Worse. even when I knew better.#I would get angry and scared and sad and start shaking and crying and even screaming at my parents when they were mad at me even though#I knew that it would always make my life much worse. and extend an already beleaguered argument.#I brought this up with my therapist and she was like ‘well. anybody would have done that if they were treated like you were’.#which. okay. maybe so. I still feel like I should have been able to handle it and just shut up and move on and not make it worse.#but I am aware that this is probably a cognitive distortion. even so. that definitely doesn’t make me resilient.#I just. I feel gross being called resilient. I’m not. I’m weak and easily scared and unable to handle even small amounts of adversity.#the fuck is my roommate even *seeing*.#the annoying part is that they’re generally an insightful person about other people and I know logically that they’re probably right#which is why I’m not going to complain any more about this to their face bc I should just drop it and not make it a Thing#I talk too much about myself and my problems anyway. not every conversation has to be about my brain worms.#but the discomfort is Distinct and Unpleasant. and now I’m just having to sit with it. and Feel Uncomfortable. and try to accept what was#definitely intended as a compliment. I know it’s draining to talk to someone who doesn’t accept any of the kind things you say about them.
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Weiss:*barely awake, opening her eyes* "Can you not? It's three in the morn-"
Ruby:*standing in the middle of the room, eyes glowing, staring directly at the moon while speaking four languages at once*
Weiss:"…Nope." *goes right back to sleep*
#rwby#rwby shitpost#ruby rose#weiss schnee#SEW Fuckery#Weiss is not even going to bother#*Seeing her roommate doing full on Eldritch Fuckshit* “Fucking Not My Problem”
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. . .
#i dont really know what to say on here at all#anybodys welcome to come to me to talk if they need to but im just#im just so exhausted#ive been sick on and off for over a week but i cant use too much sick time because#ill run out of time to see my parents later this year#and i cant just not go because i need to keep my health insurance#now that i have more than one chronic illness#theres wild shit going on at our house thats making me paranoid and anxious of someone stalking us#or trying to hurt my roommate#and now. this#its so selfish to make it about me and truly it isnt#im worried for my baby coworker who came out to me as trans#and how shell live the next four years#im worried about everyone whose been in my inbox every g/f/m i keep track of#im afraid for my friends. im afraid Of a few of my coworkers now that i know#but mostly im just. so fucking tired#im so tired#and im so sorry#was it so silly to be a little hopeful#and not even hopeful for a good outcome. i know we dont have those. just not This one#rowan chatter#tbd
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i would like to stop experiencing the full spectrum of human emotions every day please. putting this out into the universe
#had suchhh a good workday. had hot pot with my roommate where we talked about our quarter life crises#and then came home and had a 3 hour screaming match with both of my parents where i said i was cutting them out of my life#it turns out. my dad still does not understand what the word bi means even tho his fucking wife is bi#he was like 'so you marry someone and six months later you see someone else you like and u go marry them instead?'#like genuinely. truly trying to understand#and that shocked me enough to stop crying#do not reblog please#like in hindsight it is SO funny#and that was the point where i was like. wait is this not malice#this is homophobia but i don't think it's malice#anyways we're all Ok now#we've agreed that i'm going to do what i want#and even if they're unhappy they're still gonna have a relationship with me#and they'll figure out how to adjust#my brother periodically came into the room and also screamed at my parents#i feel bad for them a lil bit. like they're not bad people#after he left my mom told me that a week and a half ago#my brother came into her room and told her that when she died he would bury her in a grave instead#of the traditional last rites (cremation rituals etc etc)#if she wouldn't accept me#and my mom said she was on a bunch of meds cause she's sick so she was so out of it it didn't even register what he was going on about#and then today after that convo she was like WAIT A MIN WHAT THE FUCK DID THIS BOY SAY TO ME#funniest 16 year old u could have on your side#truly he kept coming into the room every 5 min and going HEY HAVE YOU BOTH CONSIDERED NOT BEING HOMOPHOBIC. HAVE YOU.#HEY CAN U TELL YOUR DAUGHTER YOU STILL LOVE HER MAYBE??? THINK??? USE YOUR BRAIN???#this is why i would die for this kid#he's the best#he's such an idiot most of the time but when he's not being an idiot he's my favorite person on earth#don't tell him that tho anyone please#he'll hold it against me forever and ever as siblings do
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fucking sort yourself out sunday i packed up all my shop orders, made chex mix, bleached & scrubbed the kitchen counter and the kitchen sink, unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher, windexed the outside of the dishwasher, cleaned the handles on the fridge, initiated the return on the two pairs of shoes i've been kicking around (literally) for six months, started a bag of stuff to bring to work incl the silk screen i took a while back which is actually kind of shitty even though i liked the size (i don't have space to screen print even if it's a small screen anyway. and i might as well try to take a nicer one), opened FOUR packages that had just been sitting around (stamps, business cards, headphones (also tested the headphones (refurbished)), shirt i got off ebay), put away a bag of stuff i still hadn't from when i ran away from home a few weeks ago, opened and sorted all my stamps from my big stamp order, brought envelopes and tape out to my secondary storage tower in the living room, put my library books from DECEMBER in my backpack, brought those dress shoes down to the basement, while i was there took a lamp out of the basement that i'd found on the street and is actually kind of ugly and put it back on the street, emptied the trash in my room, culled a bunch of my pins to bring to work also, made myself throw out all the burnt-down candle husks that i was "saving" to "make into a new big candle" (some of these things i have had for over four years. it's not happening) (it was at least a dozen candles), cleared a little bit of stuff off my desk. and i think that's probably about it for now but in a little bit i'm going to get dressed in outside clothes and swing by the library to drop off my books and then go drop off the fucking shoes to be returned. and THEN i might go get some pizza slices
#it's so nice to have all THREE pairs of fucking shoes off the floor. i don't have room for that shit idk why i always do this#and all those candles are finally off my windowsill#it would've been nice to put away my laundry but i kept looking at it and being like :/#but a lot of that is i don't have room in my dresser. which means i need to get rid of clothes and that's a whole different project#both of my roommates have been running their acs all day and one of them has the living room ac on AND her bedroom#even though she's not in there. high of 80 today that's fan weather. insane waste of money. I'M the one that gets the bills. i see it#whatever. anyway.#also when i was moving the candles i had to move my plants on the windowsill & i think one of them has a BONE in it#it has some compost in it i got for free from my service & it looks like a vertebrae. cool#chatpost#one of my roommates is having friends over later so i was like 'well prime time to run errands and go read a book outside' lol
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#they speak!#it's probably just the illness that's making me extra irritable but like.#roommate kept coming up to me this morning going oh did i wake you up? i'm sorry if i did. did i do that or no? i'm really sorry.#and i kept telling him to stop saying sorry because i didn't have the brain power to phrase#'you could've been more considerate of your volume but you also have the right to use the common space so it's whatever'#but he said it to me again before i went to my room just now and it's like. ok. shut up.#if you actually cared that much u would've just been quieter in the first place actually.#anyways. annoyed. there were some annoying customers in the store today but it was whatever.#i feel like my fucks to give had already worn out with all the ppl in my social circle/my parents and the recent ongoings of that#[redacted] was being passive aggressive to me in the group chat and it's like. ok! idk what u want from me.#and i'm grateful for them for coming over and helping me with cleaning last week#and it's those sorts of actions that let me know they care and want good things for me#but like. i haaaate telling them anything because even innocuous non-private things get turned into judgement with them.#also. more and more i can feel how i'm drifting away from h and now with retrospect i can see how we mutually hurt each other :)#i keep coming back to this one period where i really wanted to take them to try dimsum and they kept saying they were too scared to try it#and in their new friend group they regularly go out n get dimsum together. which on the surface is like. why didn't you want to go with /me#i told you i wanted to share what i liked and i would explain what things were and i could do the talking and you still said no#but it's also very much a reflection of how i always rolled over and enabled them. i never challenged them. i was always passive.#i also feel like i'm heavily neglecting e and a recently and i can tell how the physical distance is affecting us and idk. it's weird.#anyways. another post that should've been a journal entry! lol!#when [redacted] helped with cleaning they also buried my journal under my like#300 packets of sesame candies and i can't be bothered to dig it out. also my bandaids are missing now. <3#ik this also sounds passive aggressive but genuinely appreciate the help i just kinda hate how they think hidin everything in boxes is good#'we need to get you some more storage boxes and containers!!' actually i think that will be the opposite of helpful.#i need everything visible and on open surfaces so i can 1) remember they exist for me to use and 2) not have barriers for me to get to them
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❗️NEWGLASSANIMALSGLASSANIMALSGLASSANIMALSGLASSANIMALSGLASSANIMALSGLASSAN-
#glass animals#honestly i wore out dreamland sm my brain took a lonnng break from expecting anything from them?? idk i’m just huh????#like….. when i say wore out#i cannot describe how much i listened to it#i usually have some vague idea even if it’s a ridiculous number#like 52 times in a month for an album or something (has happened)#i cannot recall w this#gonna say bc 2020 & they were Literally the last band i saw live. next morning everyone found out about everything annd lockdown. no joke#so it was big dreamland time when it dropped and revisiting their past albums when i broke out of its spell lmao#(pretty sure before that like january was when i listened to déjà vu 100+ times in a row tho so oop. it was a tough day lol)#anyway seeing this aww man. i really have had this band with me for a long long time. 🥹 i remember hearing gooey on the radio one night#driving home from work late @ night in 2014. the drive was so short i couldn’t be arsed to fish out my ipod & plug it in#sometimes so just popped on a good station i had preset. started the car and heard this *voice* and i was like who????#had to check the station bc it was an alt station and i thought i had it on another one which was fine i was just v confused#it was in the middle of the song & i was immediately anxious to know the name hoping i’d hear it & it wouldn't just flow into the next song#then the dj would pile the names together after x number of songs played bc i was tiired (but woulda stayed in the car ngl). got lucky &#ran inside to find it then yelled at my roommate the next day that she HAD to listen to it during a smoke session after work#(i was right & it blew her miiind)#god. what a fucking time. what a fucking band. idk what the disc horse is surrounding them now since they blew up via tiktok#i’m sure people are v quick to say they’re overrated bc of that but idk & i’m glad i don’t know. they’ll always be this#highly inventive incredible band i stumbled upon for the perfect night drive home after a long long shift#a band that came back from a Horrible accident that should have ended 1 of their lives & somehow didn’t & should have ended them#as a band (like still cannot believe Joe was drumming in 2020 & i saw it with my own eyes like how tf???!?)#a band deserving of all of its successes. glass animals forever
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and when i live on my own ill be able to decorate like real life decorate ive never gotten to do that in real life b4
#like im not barred from doing it Nd i do like. a little bit kind of but its like. Idk my entire life is a very transient thing and im rly#rly rly not used to being in one place for a long time so as a kid we never rly decorated ever#and like obv i wont be Owning a house or anything like that so itll still have to be moveable but i can like. but furniture that i like and#stuff... ive never gotten to do that b4 even in um. wa. i didnt rly get to do any of the decorating even when i was in the actual house bc#him and the roommates umm. did all that. Okay well now ive sort of freaked it by making myself think of that so im going to go stare#longingly at the floorplan i did#bc umm. well ideally id like to move into one of the apartments thats right across the way bc theres a couple of apt buildings like right#there 5 min walk tops and one of the places Has an open one but no floorplan#i wont be movjng out for ages i just wanted to look at floorplans yk#but like i said no floorplans BUT theres one a bit further away not rly walkable bc its umm#youd have to walk on the interstate and stuff and um. no sidewalk and everything but theeeeeeeeee thing had a floorplan#still very close by like 2 min drive but yk. but i still did my little mockup floorplan with that apartment instead#i want it to be closeby so everybody can come visit and so that i dont die and explode . i dont rly want to continue living in this town#4ever once km like Normal and have savings and ive got everything worked out i wanna maybe move to chicago or something since il is better#for the transgenderisms. + ive always wanted to try living in a big city at least once and i think itd be awesome#but thats Ages and ages away like maybe 5 years depending on how good i am. weeee will see if 5 years in the future is like on the table 4#me LOLLLL 24 year old connor seems rly crazy to imagine. but anyways....#but itll be nice to move out and still be in town bc then i can have the same job yk . and maybe ill know how to drive atp and i can like .#buy a car ..or something . if i do know how to drive#which i probably should since this town very car dependent and i dont want my mom to have to drive me to work esp if umm. i dont live with#them ... im just rly rly rly rly rly fucking scared of driving but i know also in my heart that when i do know how to drive the bond between#me and that car will be crazyyyy like. idk how many of you followed me last year but you may remember my insane bond with angel my cart from#work and there was a lot gokng on woth that <- was Very delusional at the time and i was convinced that she was a sentient thing and had the#power to make my life better or worse if i upset her so i said good morning and goodnight to her every single day so that i could have a#good day . looking back on it probably was something to be concerned abt but whatever.... she is still my best friend and i do miss her#deeply#her bathtub and heater were my besttt friends when i was in wa LOL. i was quite unwell#bathtub is still in my room tho yayyy. heater lives with lamp now and angel is of course at my old job....#bathtub currently is holding a project i gave up on. everyone say thank.you bathtub im looking at her right now
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Remember how tumblr was full of tips and advice for texas snowstorms and uk and canada heatwaves
And even uk flooding
I remember
#bit of a salty post cant help it rn#ill probably delete this in the morning#but damn it feels weird to not see a single flood preparation and handling post right now. people have already died you know#im cut off from like. everyone who's not in my city. and my city has not been hit yet#if anything happens and the retention lake or whatever its called does not hold enough water?#ill be stuck all alone cuz my roommates are all still home for vacation and my bf lives away#and guess what! the access road to his town has been closed#so im just gonna go to work and pray to non-existent gods that the rivers don't overflow here.#and even if they do im gonna be alone#... we were going to go to prague this week. my only real vacation this year. and now it's just. lost money#feels really weird to be so alone. and there's not even that bit of sympathy online i saw for others#i have to buy water and some food in the morning. store opens in 2 hours. might as well stay up#or else ill wake up at 11 and nothing will be left. fuck
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#i’m so fucking frustrated right now.#i can’t remember the last time i haven’t woken up to my roommates dogs barking and whining#my room is right over the living room. and all i hear is them barking and whining and the puppy’s pen being dragged across the floor#i go to bed way later than my roommate because of my work schedule#like sometimes i don’t get off work till 12:30 am and then get to sleep around 2#and her fucking dogs wake me up so gddamn early i feel i’m permanently exhausted#like sometimes she will take the dogs if she’s gone all day at her parents or whatever#but she didn’t today. and when i went downstairs the puppy had shit and the whole house stinks and i don’t even wanna leave my room#like i know it’s not my responsibility but i feel like she’ll blame me when she comes home and sees that the puppy has been in the#pen all day.#like it’s 3 pm and i haven’t even gone down to make myself food because i can’t stand it. i fucking hate it i hate the whining the fucking#barking.#i know that i am actually very fortunate in my situation. like my housing and roommate situation could be a lot lot worse.#and it’s not that my roommate is horrid. we’re just. strangers. and i feel so fucking alone and alienated#i do not want my life to be like this.#like i feel so horrid i need to do laundry and clean my bathroom and actually get shit done#but i don’t want to leave my room.#i just don’t want my life to be like this.
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My red flag is men who speak of all men as garbage especially you when convenient, but they're the exception and how dare you include them among you, and all women are angels, but that one and that one and you conveniently are a cunt.
#this is about the boss who ruined my life ten years ago btw#hope he's dead and his nda files thrown in the dump or burned#i hope every cis woman trans person and yes even the one or two cis men he's fucked over are better off than i am#this is also about the shitty roommate who is very very dead and didn't get to see his politics ruin all of our lives#For The Blacklist
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Sorry I'm just being super bitter again about having to give up *everything* because some jackass couldn't handle not being the center of the world for 5 fucking minutes
#my education?#gone#my career?#friends?#social life?#ability to even have a social life?#my fucking identity#i have to quit school give up on my goals#move out of state#to an area where there is no opportunities for me to meet people of socialize#where my safety depends on my detransitioning and going back in the closet#all because i wanted to spend 2 hours to see a movie with my sister#instead of spending that time with my roommate#and apparently its 'abusive' of me to say#hey can you please just consider how your actions effect other people?#whats the fucking point of anything anymore#everything that matters to me is gone#op
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she's talking on a call with her parents about how it was her luck and gods will what got her into this college who's gonna tell her of course no one because you know 🤡🤡
#i can't believe things can get so unfair even in the education system when its literally about someone's career#roommate takes everything so casually she's just the worst person academically i encountered#and i don't have the authority to say who belongs to which place but it really hurt doesn't it#there are kids giving their everything working hard and all praying screaming to get climbed upon my someone#who spent their first year crying about missing home and not studying not even a minute under the name of not being able to adjust#then how did she suddenly adjust now how is she going on group studies now its all a joke to her#and thats why she failed this year yeah it was predictable#there were friends' friends i know who were put out and had to ask how much did she score#well ill tell you A FUCKING 347 in neet#CAN YOU BELIEVE IT#do you think she deserves to come in a medical stream?#and no she's not economically unwell for most i can say she's everything better than me#and god forbid i speak#im not against whatever thenpolitics run around i don't have enough knowledge i don't hate anyone#and im not taking anyone's right out of their platter as if i even have the right#but sometimes i see people like her and it makes me wanna cry#if they aren't at fault neither ae we.right?#but i hope she becomes someone better#does something i hope she turns out a good doctor or whatever she wants#please don't waste this seat
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happy flat fuck friday I feel likr I've been run over by a steamroller <3
#someones car alarm (?) went off in the middle of the night and then i couldnt sleep properly again after#and kept having nightmares.. had a rly scary one right before i woke up where i was lactating blood and it wouldnt stop coming out#i onoy noticed at first bc the shirt i was wearing had massive growing bloodstains onnthe front and then i took it off qnd there it was#and no one was around and it was night and i went outside and i was on this empty rocky beach and j had this sudden realisation#that i was going to die here like this. i was rly lightheaded from the blood loss so i sat down and just stared at the water#and then my alarm went off like fucking hellllll. wild dysphoria dream i guess 🫠🫠🫠🫠#anyway yeah whatever just gotta get thru work today hey the moons out sorry unrelated just noticed her. hi#climbing was fun last night tho :^) and i have a concert tomrorow yayyyy#dont know the band super well but only bc i havent listened to much of them but i like all ive listened to theyll be sick live i reckon#my roommate knows them more than i do but wouldnt go by herself so im dragging her with me >:)#and surprisingly a fair few number of ppl from climbing are going too which is cool ill try n say hi to some of them#actuallt there are 2 bands i should listen to the album of the other one before tomorrow too. mahbe on the bus home#guys i am sotireddddd 😭😭😭😭#MAY skip my afternoon meds so i can sleep straight after showering and eating once im home. we'll see#depends what i have to do this afternoon at work i dont even rember.. i think i have training maybe#we willl seeeee i dont mind being at work that much anyway its all good. maybe i will take my meds so i can play elden ring later#okayyyy bye#.diaries
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...
#holy fuck. knock on wood. fingers crossed. press my thumbs. i think the pain is cycling down#like probably its this bad bc my body is weak from fighting an allergic reaction and i think lam1ctal can cause some menstral issues#but like holy fuck. i cannot go thru that again. just hours of being nauseous and crumpled in pain#i was very very very seriously considering going to the hospital. but like ive ridden in an ambulance before and i dont wanna spend like#1000 dollars to go like 10min down the road. bullshit. god i hope its stopping#it was just like so much pain i didnt kno what to do. absolutely intolerable. ugh.#please dont let this happen tomorrow 🙏 please please please. i have to teach#and ny roommate is staying here the next 2 nights after not seeing her for like months#y now? 😭 im gonna have to b like hi *visibly disheveled* if i talk i might puke. bye.#i wish i could just sleep thru this. ibuprofen is not helping 😭#im just worried if i went to the hospital theyd make me wait for hours in the waiting room. shaking with pain. and then id b fine by the#time they got to me. like yea srry i was jusy being a lil bitch abt a normal bodily process lol. god. ppl with high levels of chronic pain#how tf do u do it? i dont think im strong enough. but i guess u probably get used to it. god that sucks so bad#ugh. i wish my mom was here. i want her to just pet my hair until i feel better 😭 but nooo shes going off to have fun in canada#so she's gonna b even farther from me than normal 😭#unrelated
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ugh i kinda wanna get back on tumblr and rot my brain out some more
#i’d probably mostly just still bitch about my family tho#and then dish n overthink on the polycule expansion pack that just dropped#kink club tales abound#didn’t see that one coming#still unemployed#broker than ever#paranoia is consistently present but manageable#social anxiety is getting lesser every day tho!! making friends is awesome and cool and epic#okay time to bitch about the fam#the level of misogyny/transmisogyny is ASTRONOMICAL since my moms bf moved in#like he’ll deadname/mispronoun ems and he didn’t even meet her until#until recently and she’s been transitioned for over two years like buddy you do not get the benefit of the doubt with a little ‘slip up’#here. you are being a malicious piece of shit on purpose!!!!! at least don’t be a pussy about it!!!!!!!#also big kudos to my mom on sharing ems dead name. really fucking classy.#my cats and my girls tie my sanity together with a spider’s spinner#thin and invisible they weave the net around me to keep me safe until i can pluck up the courage to get us the fuck out of here#should be able to pass a drug test soon so that opens up my application options a lot. i feel confident that i’d be able to hold myself#together long enough to get enough cash to put a security deposit down somewhere in the city#extra friends means the chance for roommates too!!!!!<333#only if i can be chillin in the nude in front of them tho. chances now are looking dece lol#ugh i’ve been manic dramatic for long enough tonight#hopefully it’s only the void i’m screaming at. i’m so damn lucky to have all that i have rn. especially the friends.#stick together with your local faggots and trannies always#ALWAYS<33#signed dogweed
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