#and ny roommate is staying here the next 2 nights after not seeing her for like months

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[sarahlynnirl]

Losing my best friend - Sugar Daddy culture is not empowering

I finally feel strong enough to talk about this and hopefully get some love, support, and reassurance from other women who agree that this is fucked up. I’ve never been “terfy on main” before so here goes. (TW child abuse + SA but no graphic descriptions of SA)

My mother is a narcissist who financially and emotionally abused my father and myself, with some additional physical abuse of me, for as long as I can remember. My dad made plenty of money but my mom controlled it all and made sure it didn’t go towards anything for me beyond the bare minimum required not to look obviously guilty of child abuse and neglect. I met Kiara (not her real name) when I was a junior in highschool and she was a freshman. Her mom was a single Korean woman doing her best to support Kiara and her 2 sisters while also running a Korean restaurant. My first jobs were a summer camp counselor and fitting room attendant at Forever 21. I would spend the last scraps of my paycheck making sure Kiara was able to order a full meal when our friends went out to dinner, buying her little gifts, and generally trying to keep us both as happy and healthy as possible.

When Kiara graduated highschool her mom drove her into Koreatown New Jersey, got her a room in the apartment of an acquaintance, and basically left her to fend for herself. Kiara spoke barely any Korean. She began working at a Korean salon where she met Ariana (not her real name). She had a NY cosmetology license, not an NJ one, while Ariana was an illegal immigrant from Korea so they were both overworked, underpaid, forced to work overtime, paid under minimum wage, and deprived of their tips. They couldn’t report or complain about this since they were both working illegally.

Kiara had to pay rent for the one room she occupied despite her land lady yelling at her, walking into her room while she slept, banning her from having friends over, and reporting to her mom if she spoke to a guy on the phone or a guy dropped her off. I was working at a restaurant in my college town on top of my classes and doing my best to keep surprising her with little gifts, but neither of us had enough disposable income to afford to visit each other. This was really difficult for me as she was my favorite person in the world and I was used to spending every second with her when we both lived in upstate NY. Ariana got them both to start using SeekingArrangement for one time meet ups with Sugar Daddies where they were paid anywhere from $200-2000 for sex. “The first time I ever did it I walked out of the hotel and just screamed because I was so disgusted and I was thinking about his wrinkly skin touching mine and all I wanted to do was get in the shower and scrub it off but I had $1000 cash in my hand for a couple hours of work which was so crazy and kinda made it all worth it ya know?” - Ariana to me

I was immediately skeptical and a little grossed out but Kiara genuinely seemed happier. She was buying new clothes for herself, ordering food to the apartment when she was hungry, and taking trips into NYC to have fun with Ariana and her friends. By the beginning of the summer of 2019, Kiara had found the Sugar Daddy who she would establish a long term agreement with and who ultimately ended up completely supporting her. I’m not going to say his name here but if people want to know it just ask, I am willing to share. He moved her into a much nicer much bigger apartment with Ariana as her roommate. He paid for me to fly up and visit her, and all of our activities during this vacation. I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so sorry. I wish I shoved the money back in her hand before it was too late, I wish I worked harder and longer hours and got us an apartment in Florida and paid both of our rent. I’m so fucking sorry I didn’t listen to my instincts and allowed her to brush off my concerns. It was the most freedom we had ever had, I ran around NYC by myself while she was at work, and my ex took the bus to NJ from upstate NY and joined us for a few days. I feel so selfish but I also didn’t know how bad things would get.

One night Kiara and I went to NYC for dinner with her SD and she took the bus back to the apartment because she had to work early the next morning. It made sense for me to stay in the city because I was supposed to visit my friend at NYU the next morning. In the Uber to his apartment alone with him he was drunk and high and I very clearly looked scared shitless. At this point she was 19 (but she had looked that way since age 17 and I doubt he would have minded if she was lying about her age), I was 21 and he was 44. He seemed offended by my discomfort and was basically like “jeez relax I’m not gonna touch you, I really care about Kiara I think she’s so amazing, just go to the guest room and sleep, make a left to walk to NYU when you wake up.” I peaced the fuck out of there early the next morning.

After that summer Kiara and Ariana quit their jobs at the Korean salon and sugaring became their sole incomes. Ariana was still doing one time meet ups, not nearly as financially stable as Kiara, and got herself into a lot of credit card debt that to my knowledge she’s still in. At this point Kiara was flying down and staying with me in Florida so often that people at my college thought she went there too. I also wasn’t working at this point because college had gotten harder and my ex was fucking up my mental health real bad. He had given me a coke problem and Kiara sending me “grocery money” was enabling me to continue. I wasn’t honest with her about where all the money was going. During Halloween week we didn’t know that she couldn’t just snort molly (MDMA) with the frequency I was doing coke, she ODed, my guy best friend took us to the ER, it was so fucking scary, she got IV fluids for 2 hours and made a full recovery, she stopped doing molly, I kept doing coke. I’m so sorry :(

In November her SD paid for us to take a trip to Cancun Mexico. He was with us for the first part of the trip and this is where things started to get really bad. He tried to be my friend and act the way a boyfriend of my best friend who was my age would, but it was creepy and wrong and I was so uncomfortable. He asked about my drug use in a way that was gross and shamey and basically him seeing me as the “coke whore” stereotype...while continuing to buy me more coke. He also brought and gave us ecstasy pills. He asked really invasive questions about my relationship with my ex, why I stayed, my sex life, etc. It felt like an uncle asking me these questions, I did NOT wanna talk about any of this with him. But from what I did say it was very clear to someone with 44 years of life experience that I had an abusive mother, an addictive personality, and was in an unhealthy relationship. He offered to set me up with an SD friend of his looking for a sugar baby. I of course declined because I always knew this was a boundary I wasn’t willing to cross. No matter how bad my addictions got I would NOT give up that piece of myself in return for money.

In this part of Mexico, drugs that were only given with a prescription in the US were available over the counter. Kiara and I got a little box of 1mg Xanax with my money. My ex had given us Xanax a couple times in NY and we had fun with it, but at this point in time we did NOT have a problem with it. We had bought one bar, broken it in half, and each took half one night of Halloween week and called it “xanpires”, but this wasn’t something we were scripted or buying regularly from plugs. We went to dinner with her SD, we got up to go to the bathroom, and she immediately slipped and hit the ground. I was like woah did you take one of the xans and forget? Because we were supposed to tell each other if we were taking one so we could look out for each other. I was never mad at her! I never wanted money from her! I was just a little concerned, and once I determined that she was safe we thought it was kinda funny that she had taken a xan without realizing and started joking around about it. Her SD of course didn’t understand how a 19 year old and 21 year old girl joke with each other because he was a creepy old man, decided that we were “arguing”, and got up from the restaurant, walked across the street, bought a 90 count bottle of 2mg xans and gave it to me. This was honestly the most irresponsible way someone has ever treated me in my life, and this is coming from someone with an abusive and neglectful parent. Google “benzo withdrawal” if you’re not familiar with it.

We went to a different hotel, and Kiara and I both took xans and blacked out. I passed out on the guest bed, while Kiara was awake but in a conscious blackout. I woke up on the couch on the balcony (which was fine, it was comfy and I saw the sunrise over the beach. The gross part was that meant her SD had picked me up, put his hands on my body while I was unconscious and carried me out there). I remembered that at one point I had woken up, wanted to go to the bathroom or get something from inside, caught a glimpse of what I thought was them having sex, and went back outside. I mentioned it to Kiara and she had no memory of it whatsoever, she thought all she had done was gone to sleep. She was rightfully pissed the fuck off that her SD had taken advantage and done things with her while she was blacked, screamed at him, he gave us a half ass apology, and bought us more stuff (buying our silence). He finally flew home and we got to enjoy the trip with just each other, but I was careless with the dosage of a drug called tramadol, and I ODed with my head in her lap...I’m sorry. When I woke up I was hallucinating, hearing voices, crying hysterically and terrified. Kiara called my ex who asked how many mg I took, told us I was 100mg short of the amount that would require medical attention, made me laugh, and told me to go to sleep. I recognize how scary and unfair to her this was and I really do take responsibility for my actions. The day I was supposed to leave I did ecstasy, hooked up with a guy from Canada, and tried to skip my flight. She was mad because like yeah what the fuck. She got me on the flight, the ecstasy comedown hit, and there’s pictures of me crying in the airport because I hated when we fought.

I was supposed to stop in Miami, then fly back to my college town but while in Miami I texted my granny that I was “sad and really didn’t feel good and could she and my uncle visit me at the airport and bring my uncles dog?”. Her parenting instincts went off that something was very wrong, made me skip the flight, picked me up from the airport and took me to her house where I immediately threw up and ran an extremely high fever that night. She said it was one of the scariest nights of her life and she kept checking on me to see if I needed to go to the hospital. She drove me back to my college town where my guy best friend took me to the ER and it came out that Kiaras SD, in addition to giving me drugs, had also allowed me to drink Mexican tap water throughout the entire trip. I was treated for that + given chlamydia meds just in case since I’d had unprotected sex in a foreign country. I was fine, promised to do better, Kiara forgave me, things started to go back to normal. Except I had begun taking Xanax daily to deal with the anxiety of the illness...and she had a trip to Bali planned.

During that trip things managed to get even worse. She was there with her SD and another Korean friend and her SD was pressuring her and guilting her into sex, isolating her from her friend, going through her phone, and becoming extremely aggressive. She would call me crying and having panic attacks and I would walk out of class to try to comfort her over FaceTime. She did not have panic attacks before this trip. She begged to go home early because something was very wrong but he said it was a waste of money and kept her in Bali until the planned end of the trip. I think it was almost a month. She sent me a recording she secretly took of him screaming at her and her saying “don’t touch me, don’t grab me like that, leave me alone”. When she got back to the US I was begging her to stop. I was so worried for her safety. I said the money wasn’t worth it, we’ll get jobs, please just stop. I’m pretty sure he read those messages. We also had a suspicion that he had installed spyware on her phone but were never able to prove it. At this point I also reached out to my dad for help and his response was basically “I don’t care, not my problem, focus on school”. I reached out to my granny who absolutely cared, but her response was “I’m sorry but I can’t afford to support her, I have to focus on taking care of you, if she won’t stop this you’ll have to stop being friends with her”.

I went home to New York for winter break, suffered through my first round of Xanax withdrawal and was truly trying to get better but my ex manipulated his was back in my life and got me addicted again....but now this bottle of 90 had run out. I went back to my college town, got scripted, and was copping street bars when my script inevitably ran out early. What comes next is blurry for obvious reasons. We moved to the town in Florida my granny lived in and got an apartment together. The female friends she made in our town (my current home) she got most of them into sugaring and using SeekingArrangement. Things deteriorated super fast at this point. I was struggling hard, failing my online classes, and eventually got completely financially cut off by my parents. My granny was paying my half of the rent and my puppy’s vet bills but I was too embarrassed to admit I couldn’t afford groceries. Kiara was pressuring me hard to go on SeekingArrangement but I still refused. I would sit on the floor of the bathroom in a towel after I showered and just cry because the steam made me nauseous and dizzy since I wasn’t eating.

I met my current boyfriend and something just started to click: I didn’t wanna live like this anymore. The mom of a friend from this town who also refuses to sugar landed me an interview at the gym I currently work at, I fought for the job, and I got it. Now I knew I didn’t wanna be completely fucked up all the time anymore but I was still doing enough Xanax to keep me out of withdrawal. The 2mg that had blacked me out at the beginning were now just barely enough to keep me functional. Kiara and I were fighting frequently and bad by this time. She and her partner in sugaring, Mena (not her real name but pretty close to it, fuck this bitch fr) were expecting me to keep how they made their money a secret....from friends and guys that I saw every single day. They both very obviously did not work and were flexing new cars, designer clothes, and cash all over their social media. Kiara thought she could cover her ass by saying she dealt drugs but it was also obvious that she wasn’t putting the time into that to come up with the amount of money she had. The only one dealing drugs was me, and not enough to do anything flashy, just enough that in addition to my work money I was usually getting enough to eat. But there were still some times when the previous weeks paycheck had run out and I was having my first meal of the day at 3pm after someone had bought adderall from me. We had our serious serious fight where she threw my stuff in the lawn and I lived with my current boyfriend full time for about a couple weeks since my bedroom at my granny’s was getting refloored when this happened.

By January 20th he was concerned by my Xanax problem and wanted me to seriously try to stop. At the time I started tapering because I wanted the girlfriend title but I’m forever grateful for him giving me a reason, even if it was a shallow one, because I just needed to START. We tried to reconcile once, despite boyfriend and guy best friend begging me not to, and of course the same problems reappeared, we had another serious fight and haven’t spoken since.

Now the fog is clearing and today I’m 96 days clean of xanax, 16 days clean of all benzos, and 19 days clean of gabapentin (what was keeping me from having a seizure while quitting benzos). But it’s hard because being out of the fog means feeling all of my emotions, even the really bad ones. This past week I’ve been waking up and crying sitting in front of my mirror trying to put my makeup on for work and it just drips right off and I have to start over. She was my best friend for 8 years. My favorite person. My partner in life. I loved her more than anyone.

My boyfriend and guy best friend are pretty uncomfortable when they hear someone express an opinion of me that’s “Kiara’s side of the story” and I don’t correct it. Both of them saw exactly how bad it got near the very end and don’t get why I don’t defend myself more or tell people about her letting my dog eat dab (THC) wax while she was supposed to be watching her and having to be rushed to the animal hospital TWO separate times. (She’s a Pomeranian and the highly concentrated THC was super dangerous to her tiny little body). Yelling at me and giving me the silent treatment because less than 48 hours after my SA she expected me to drive her to a hair appointment in Miami and I woke up late and didn’t get her there on time with traffic. Me begging her to be there for me when it felt like everything was falling apart and I self harmed for the first time and her leaving me to go on a vacation to Orlando with a girl we didn’t even really like. Me not wanting to sleep in the apartment alone after my SA and her not letting me sleep in her bed anymore, her and Mena just dumping me at the neighbor’s so they could continue to sugar, party, and see guys our age at night (this sounds super awful but neighbors roommate —> current boyfriend. He kept me safe until I felt better, was really sweet and careful, and I was the one to make the first move). There’s more but I really don’t like talking about it, after the abuse she went through and I assume is still going through, I expect her to be pretty damaged and not have it in her to treat people right all the time. Not exposing every bad thing she’s ever done to all our mutual friends and acquaintances is kind of my last gift to her.

I also admit that sugaring wasn’t responsible for everything that went wrong. Loving an addict is difficult and exhausting and I went through it myself with my ex. I was also out bi and she was “probably straight, maybe a little bi-curious” in her words. But when she was drunk or on Xanax she’d kiss me first...we had done more than kiss but only during 3somes with a guy. I don’t know, I think I loved her more than I was supposed to and some of the stuff she’d say made me think she saw me in a way she really didn’t. When we first moved to this town I had a thing with a girl and expected it to be no big deal but things here were different than up north. I got called the d slur for the first time by someone who wasn’t joking. It was like getting slapped I was so shocked and hurt, I truly didn’t think that happened anymore. I think she saw what happened to me and kinda closed off that part of herself because she didn’t wanna experience that herself. She stopped making out with me at bars and parties after that and it made me sad and maybe a little jealous. But I really do blame her SD for basically “breaking her”, for handing me that first bottle of free Xanax, for a lot of other little things that I can’t possibly include because this is already way too long. This is my first time even saying this much. Feel free to add your own experiences or thoughts on this or anything you’d like. [I’m prepared to get death threats or called a SWERF or whatever but I don’t care, now that I started talking about this I’m not going to stop.]

[judyhopps934-mt-zd]

Thoughts on Miraculous New York: United Heroez

Warning: Spoilers! I am back! Also, this is my 700th post, so yay!

The new intro is so cool! I stan! Will it be the same for the Miraculous World Specials (ie. Shanghai)??

Mr. Pigeon? Akumatized for the 51st tims?!?!?!?! I thought he moved on from pigeons and went with rats?!?! (Timetagger anyone????)

The Spacesuits! So cool! (By the way, its the purple potion).

Ladybug and Chat Noir are very autonomous, trust connected from their bond, and super efficient! (You will see where this comes into play later on.) Ladybug could have not gotten a better partner than Chat and she says this herself.

The rose scene after defeating Mr. Pigeon! I loved it so much and its better than expected!

Oh Marinette, didn't you say you have moved on from Adrien? I think her heart has yet to catch up with her brain, which takes time. Time will tell...

Tikki is visibly annoyed with Marinette saying she will move on and yet act like she still has a crush on Adrien. First of all, that is the fandom's mood. Second of all, be patient. Time will tell...

The sock puppet film was adorable. And apparently famous in NY amongst the Queens students (thank you Zag for including another NYC borough!)

Miss Bustier is pregnant?!?!? Wait...IS SHE IS MARRIED?!?!?!? Whether she is married or is seeing someone, this is still shocking (unless her prefix in the French version is Mrs.)

Poor Mrs. Mendeleiev. The class was less than satisfied with her being their chaperone. I know she is not the fun teacher, but she still has feelings and I know she is a nice person. People tend to judge and despise teachers based on them being fun or not, which is unfair. But karma comes after the class since throughout the trip, she becomes the teacher they think she is. What? She could have been fun.

Lila was not welcome in New York to begin with. At least she won't be causing any problems on the trip (though I wish she went to Antarctica).

Marinette has done more for Adrien in this episode than in all three seasons when she promised him that she will find a way to convince Gabriel to go to New York. I guess her deciding that he is "just a friend" has allowed her to do more for him than beforehand.

But she still collects pictures of him, so we will keep quotations on "friend". Or we need to give her a break (Alya I am looking at you). We'll see as we go on.

I am happy Nathalie is alive, though I am not happy with the fact that she showed Gabriel the Eagle Talon Miraculous. And he plans to go to New York. And that this is the only reason he lets Adrien go to NY.

Speaking of which, the Miracu-class showed up to his place, with Marinette being the spokesperson to yell at Gabriel Agreste's freaking face. Good for you Marinette for fighting against Gabriel. Though you did not have to put up a long fight, which while shocking, is also worrisome.

Adrien was understandably sad to not be able to go to NY. Kagami seems happy about it though. Maybe too happy...

Yes, I know that Kagami and Adrien are potentially dating (Battle of the Miraculous ending anyone? *sobs in Adrienette stan*), but it still pains my Adrienette stan heart though when she kissed him.

Of course Chat Noir will be sad to see Ladybug go. But she brings this cute cat buzzer and seeing him play with the buzzer was adorable. Ladynoir anyone?

Adrien is stuck with this dilemma: NY or Ladybug? Poor sunshine boy was shocked to hear this news. He initially chose Ladybug and wanted to stay and alert Ladybug about the new situation, but Plagg was like "FREEDOM! GO AFTER IT! BESIDES, YOU CAN USE YOUR SPACESUIT TO RETURN TO PARIS IN THE EVENT OF AN AKUMA!" Seemed like a good plan...initially. (Plagg, I am after you...sorta).

Of course Marinette will miss the bus, but Luka?!?! They either trying to remind me of Miracle Queen or Luka is superhuman for being able to show up to her place and peddle so fast that they caught up with the bus. Pains my Adrienette heart once again to see her kiss him, but he does have a point about her needing some clarity in NY.

Then we have the plane scene. Poor Marinette was panicking over sitting next to Adrien (really now universe?!). There was more to the scene: from the AC trouble to the seat reclining at the wrong time to Adrien placing the luggage in the compartment (not in that order exactly). It was somewhat cringeworthy then seeing that Marinette went to swap seats with Mrs. Mendeleive (though she only did it when Alix whined).

Note to self: DO NOT SIT NEXT TO MR. DAMOCLES IN AN EIGHT HOUR FLIGHT. He is not very conscious about personal space as he took over Marinette's seat when he was asleep and woke Marinette up. And sleeping with a bucket of popcorn? Really?

If anyone has ever been on a plane, turbulence is common, and Marinette's experience with the Bathroom is very relatable. That's why I only go in an emergency.

Adrienette watching a sunrise! (Or sunset? They are not too clear on this, especially since they arrive at the hotel at night, but everyone was asleep on the plane). And get this: Adrien complimenting Marinette and hugging her tightly! (Just a friend now, huh sunshine boy?)

Alya and Nino are a mood when they say that they love their friends, but they wish that they could express their love to each other (Operation: New York).

Alya, did you really have to tell Marinette that NY is the city of love? Thank you for making her feel even nervous.

TechnoPirate and the United Heroez everyone! (By the way, Alya needs a chill pill because she was WAY too excited to be rescued by the United Heroez. And the Owl Mr. Damocles? Really?!)

Note to everyone who does not live in NYC: no, there is not a superhero for every job.

Ladybug and Chat Noir are exceptional superheroes, but Marinette and Adrien cannot open or walk through automatic doors, which is funny and kind of sad. Peoples, your saviors of Paris.

Sabrina has her own story peoples! She is given her own love interest from Astoria! I love them! And how he invited her to the rooftop party.

Alya, do you really have to tease her and Marinette at once. "Maybe you will make a "friend""

Aeon, I agree: Marinette and Adrien are made for each other. But you sound like Master Fu in Stoneheart. Are you secretly Master Fu???

The feeling is mutual Chloé. Marinette and Alya do not want to be your roommate as much as you don't want them to be yours. And I know you do not want to be there in the first place (my city is beautiful btw).But I am happy you did not rat them out for going to the rooftop party.

When they hid from Mrs. Mendeleive, Marinette and Adrien ended up in Jess(Sparrow) and Aeon(Uncanny Valley)'s room.

Magic hotdogs!

Remember the Hotdog Scene I posted over a week ago? That really was Adrienette and it was better than before, with them floating up and dancing to the song from Despair Bear! Yes! Best scene so far!

Doorman! I want him to be my college professor!

Okay, I know I am desperate to see Marinette and Adrien get together, but really Alya, Nino, Jess, and Aeon? Put them in DANGER?!?!? I cannot.

So Marinette and Adrien are put in danger and actual danger. Danger: Jess and Aeon simulating a dangerous situation. Actual Danger: Hawkmoth in New York having akumatized TechnoPirate and make him break into the museum to get the Eagle Talon. Oof.

Then where my Ladynoir heart wears off: Ladybug and Chat Noir seeing each other in NYC to save their civilian selves. They have seen Paris being destroyed by a sentimonster, with Chat supposed to be there and call Ladybug.

Uncanny Valley and Sparrow see Ladybug and Chat Noir in action and decide to be like them because they do not have that same freedom. Look, I feel them, but I still think they should have called for the United Heroez. Plus, cool transformations!

Remember the whole thing about "autonomous, trust formed by their bond, and super-efficiency"? Yeah, that was Sparrow saying that. But Ladybug and Chat Noir are now currently lacking the last two because of the whole "Chat you are supposed to be in Paris" ordeal. Well, you are generally right Sparrow, but now they have their own issues.

Of course, the new lack of trust (and Ladybug making her anger verbal) has affected their ability to fight TechnoPirate inefficient. So much Chat cannot defend himself and while trying to free himself...

HE CATACLYSMED UNCANNY VALLEY!!! This took a dark turn as this is the first time he cataclysmed a "person" (though she is an android, but still a person by standards. I mean Majestia was understandably very upset and I get it).

Majestia punching TechnoPirate into multiple NY buildings: woah.

Ladybug manages to fix everything, but two problems arise:

1. Knightowl wanted to take away their Miraculous and reveal their secret identities. They are now somewhat fugitives in their eyes for almost killing Uncanny Valley.

2. We see the limitations of Miraculous Ladybug. While Ladybug repaired NY, she was unable to repair Paris and the damage caused by the Robostus sentimonster. Which not only indicates that the Miraculous Ladybug cure only repairs the damage created by a specific villan, but that they have to be present. Here, there were too late.

Here is where my Ladynoir heart shatters: 1. Marinette sobs over how she was unable to repair Paris and felt horrible about how she failed them, and 2. Adrien renounced Plagg because of what happened to Uncanny Valley AND for disappointing Ladybug. Then, he runs off and Marinette sobs over losing Chat Noir. It was very sad that I wanted to cry.

I know this part is still very sad, but can I say that Tikki and Plagg are cute together in Marinette's purse? Poor timing? Moving on.

Aeon and Jess are disciplined by Majestia and Knightowl for disobeying their orders and for straying from their mission: protect the French class.

Are Majestia and Knightowl together in their civilian life? And Aeon and Jess are sisters?!?! I stan.

Here's the thing: I like how the special stayed true to this part of the Miraculous Comics. There, we find that Knightowl is a woman (which you can find out from this scene or at the end). And i just stan her relationship with Majestia.

Also, how dare the writers forget the Miraculous Comics! Sure, they might be different entities, but still: how dare they let the United Heroez forget about the power of the Miraculous Cure! I know that Chat Noir should be more careful about his cataclysm and Majestia has a right to be upset, but still: they had a deadly plan set in the comics to defeat a villan and called on Ladybug to cure the millions of dollars in damage. But hey, to each their own.

Also, somewhat unrelated, but Julerose appeared in the beginning and I am here for it!

Gabriel kidnapped TechnoPirate and akumatized him again while giving him the Eagle claw jewel to liberate people from their fears or other factors. Oof.

The kwami for the Eagle Miraculous is relatable. We would all wish we had our previous owner and fear about our power going into evil hands, right?

Now back to Adrien and Marinette, my heart breaks to see Adrien having to go back to Paris because Gabriel delcares NY as "too dangerous". YOU ARE THE FREAKING DANGER THOUGH! YOU MADE TECHNOPIRATE DANGEROUS AND RELEASED HIM FROM DANGER!

Marinette decides to go after him, but falls over from the bike she borrowed due to the rainwater as she begs him to stay.

And peoples, the moment we waited for three seasons (sorta): Marinette finally utters the words "I love you" when referring to Adrien. Too bad he got too far for him to hear her.

Also, who was going to get her off the road when she broke down? Is that her form of closure?

The United Heroez are now under the Liberty Eagle Miraculous' influence, which made them go haywire. Huh. So Jess and Aeon now have to save them with the help of the French Superheroes!

So Aeon was able to uncover that TechnoPirate is akumatized and using a Miraculous through her scanners. I stan her!

Also, she was able to recognize Marinette is Ladybug and Adrien is Chat Noir. And we have a reason to explain why everyone is blind: there is a quantum mechanism in the suits that makes them unrecognizable when compared to their civilian form in the eyes of humans. She can only figure out their identities since she is an AI android. So our theory about everyone having a reason to be blind is correct AND we can cut everyone else some slack. Please.

Marinette confessed that she needs Chat Noir. This was what we wanted to hear after all that has happened: what she said in the beginning, but now in the most genuine form. I have no words other than that this is heartwarming and heartbreaking.

Adrien was worried over Ladybug's disappointment, but Uncanny Valley is amazing in the sense that she recorded Marinette's genuine words, which inspired him to come back.

Plagg, you literally make light of everything. He literally made faces in front of Uncanny Valley because she can't see him. I can't.

Ladybug and Chat Noir's reunion healed and broke me. It was so emotional as Ladybug expresses how worried she was and how she missed him and Chat explaining while admitting his mistakes.

Time to take down TechnoPirate while using Doorman's powers to take the Eagle Talon and freeing everyone. The fight scenes are epic per usual, this one especially.

TechnoPirate counting down the time was alarming, but also funny as he makes light of it.

Hawkmoth, you would have been to blame for the World War III because of your ultimatum, not Ladybug and Chat Noir.

They missed the countdown, but Majestia stops the rocket and sends it to the sun. What the hell?! What if the sun exploded?!?!?!?! (I dunno? It was an atomic bomb for starters?)

So TechnoPirate is defeated and the United Heroez apologize for misjudging our Parisian superheroes and decide to no longer treat their children like kids.

So Paris for the first time in forever needs to undergo actual reconstruction, but Nadja is somewhat forgiving as she mentions that they needed to help the United Heroez and save NYC, where Hawkmoth also was. Hope there are no hard feelings?

Marinette had the idea of having the banner saying hello to Adrien, which he watched on the plane. So nice of Marinette the class to do such a nice thing for him.

Chloé, we might have somewhat forgotten that whole Miracle Queen stunt, but I am glad to see you enjoyed NY even if you will not admit it.

There are more Miraculous around the world. At the end, we need to fear Hawkmoth. Also, there are more Miraculous guardians and I am glad to see Jess convince one of the Guardians to create a new team of next generation superheroes

Overall, the New York special did not disappoint. We got Adrienette and Ladynoir (even if we know that Lukanette and Adrigami are also a potential reality, though good news for the shippers). We also saw the New York superheroes. Though there are some points that really surprised me (ie. The Ladynoir trust fight and Uncanny Valley dying temporarily and Paris being destroyed), I enjoyed watching the special.

I am worried about the Love Square, especially with Marinette though, but that is for another post. To sum up, we know what happens in NY stays in NY, but since the season 4 synopsis mentions Marinette struggling to find time to tell Adrien her feelings, I think that the Love Square is not 100% dead, but I am not too sure. Oh well, let's leave that for tomorrow.

I stayed up for another hour or so, so I will sign off. In the meantime, go ahead and watch it on an Instagram Page or on Disney Channel or wherever you can watch the special because I will tell you this: you will not regret it! (I watched it twice and will watch it again tomorrow!)

[stxphxn-strange]

i want to start posting from my ironstrange college au (remember the makeup fic i posted in like november? i’ll link it below but it’s from that verse) so! let me explain it:

reminder that this is an au and it’s my au, so i decide how this all goes!

Ships:

IronStrange (duh)

ThorBruce

Valcarol

Sambucky

Christine x Hope Van Dyne* (this gets complicated)

Eventual Pristine

Past Stony, Past Stucky

(Lowkey I’m also figuring out if Rhodey x T’challa could be a ship? they both seem too independent but i also might add it in)

Character Notes:

Tony deliberately never specifies if he prefers to go by Anthony or Tony. People call him both, or also his friends call him Ant. Stephen does not/has never called him Tony, he’s always known him as Anthony.

Happy just tends to go by H or Harry (anyone who calls him Harold receives a death glare, but as a joke Rhodey got him a T-shirt and the pattern is just name tags that say “hello my name is Harold.”)

Rhodey just goes by Rhodey bc Tony *insisted* that all their friends call him that and plus he doesn’t hate the nickname.

Natasha is part of this but she doesn’t go to school with the rest of the group. She’s Tony’s half sister and is the biological daughter of Maria Stark and her best friend. She lives in Italy with some of Tony’s extended family and her bio dad. Few people know of her existence, or they know her as Maria’s niece (for her own protection). It doesn’t rly matter that Howard has no idea who she rly is, he wasn’t with her the entire time Maria was pregnant w Natasha bc she was in Italy (and brought Tony with her)

Roommates:

- Tony and Rhodey are roommates, and they live two floors above the four suitemates. The four suitemates are: Christine and Pepper (who share a room) and Stephen and Wong (who share the other room) despite that, the six of them tend to move fluidly in between both spaces.

- Hela and Carol

- Val and Hope

- Thor and T’challa (Bruce spends a lot of time w them)

- Bruce, Sam, and Loki (as chaotic as it sounds btw)

- Bucky and Happy, who I’ve decided are very close. (btw nobody particularly enjoys the fact that Sam and Bucky live next door to each other, when they’re Busy their roommates can be found w Stephen and Co. or one of the other Odinson siblings).

Friend Groups (note: people overlap/belong to multiple groups, this is also not the full list bc that could go on for a long time):

- The Main Six: Tony, Rhodey, Stephen, Wong, Christine, and Pepper.

- Team Big Brain: Tony, Bruce, Stephen, Hope, Carol, Christine, and Bucky.

- Doctors: Stephen, Tony, Christine, and Bruce.

- Dumbass Protection Squad: Hela, T’Challa, Carol, Happy, Rhodey, and Pepper (usually).

- Psych Majors: Pepper, Wong, T’Challa and Loki.

- Stark Industries: Tony, Pepper, Rhodey, and Happy.

- People who Like Astrology: Loki, Bucky, Val, sometimes Christine.

Storylines (There’s no established time frame for this really, but it doesn’t follow mcu canon or any canon):

- Stephen and Tony are lifelong friends. They met on the first day of kindergarten and went to school together in NY (where both their families lived at the time) until middle school. For unspecified reasons, Stephen’s parents opted to move the Strange family to Nebraska before the start of 6th grade. Stephen and Tony were Devastated but were already inseparable at that point and stayed in touch. A business opportunity moved the Starks from NY to California. Stephen stayed in Nebraska for high school but Tony’s parents sent him to boarding school (read: Howard sent him away to avoid having to actually parent, and he thought he was lifting a burden from Maria. This was Not The Case, as she loved her son dearly and would call him everyday. Tony appreciated this more than he ever thought possible.)

- Howard and Stane viewed boarding school as a chance to groom Tony into something malleable and submissive enough to take orders from anyone. His obvious feelings for Stephen (with whom he was still incredibly close) were a Great Concern, so the executive decision was made to set Tony up with Steve Rogers, a blond athlete from his school. It was a way to keep Tony’s sexuality controlled, and Howard didn’t think Stephen was anywhere close to the level he wanted Tony to be (of course, Howard didn’t think his son lived up to his expectations anyway. It was more about control). On the surface, Steve was sweet and everything you could want in a partner, and he even charmed Maria into liking him. She genuinely believed he’d be a good match for her son, so it hurt when she found out what he was really like. Rhodey was Tony’s boarding school roommate for all four (4) years. They met and hit it off overnight, Rhodey instantly feeling brotherly love and the need to protect Tony (or “Tones” as he called him. Rhodey is usually the only one to call him that). Rhodey and Steve did Not see eye to eye on anything, least of all how Tony should be treated. Steve was terrible to him, and Rhodey’s heart broke when Tony admitted he was too scared to break up with him.

- Reenter Stephen. After a particularly bad day, Tony called Maria and Stephen sobbing, missing the two (2) people he talked to more than anyone except maybe Rhodey. It was then he confessed what kind of boyfriend Steve was, and Maria gasped before saying, “Dump him. Let me handle the rest.” That very day, Stephen left school early and traveled to see Tony. It was 2am when he finally arrived, throwing rocks at the window and then scaling the side of the building once he had Tony’s attention. Stephen and Rhodey met the next morning, when Rhodey came back from classes and found his roommate asleep him.

- “So you’re the one who climbed in through my window,” Rhodey said. “For a good reason, I assume.” Stephen confessed it was because he loved Tony and wanted to be there for him, didn’t want him to hurt. (It’s fair to say, though, that Stephen visited before/Tony went to visit him, and they’d spent secret time together over the summers). Tony, believing himself incapable of love, didn’t reject Stephen’s confession but assumed it was only love between friends. The summer before they all left for college (Rhodey, originally from Texas, was also going to school in NY with Tony and Stephen. NY was a big part of who they both were, and they both dreamed of studying there together), they finally started dating at Maria Stark’s motherly demand.

- This demand came a short time before Howard and Maria died, and it also came with admissions of guilt and lots of tears. “I was wrong about Rogers,” she said. “You don’t have to accept what I say or forgive me, but I know Stephen is the right one for you. I think I’ve always known.” (No shit, everyone knew) Knowong she was genuinely sorry, Tony forgave her not knowing that she would die a few months later.

- Most of this canon I’ve created takes place starting in their junior year of college, so everyone has gotten to know each other quite well. I’m sure the more I write from this the more I’ll flesh out relationships between certain characters, but one I want to mention is that Tony and Bucky are very close and co-presidents of the “I Dumped Steve Rogers for Peace of Mind” club. Steve goes to college in the next state/a little further north (that’s as specific as it’ll get for now) and dated Bucky the group’s freshman year. Tony didn’t know any of this until Bucky brought him over one day, and after they (Tony and Bucky) had a talk about the way Steve is as a partner, Bucky realized some things and dumped Steve. He remains angry at them both, especially Tony, from a short distance away which terrifies Tony.

- Sam and Bucky kissed for the first time at a truth or dare night Thor and T’Challa hosted in the group’s sophomore year. After they kissed (Sam initiated) they both shyly admitted feelings for each other.

*Now here’s where things get a little dicey. I started this au with Christine and Hope together for no particular reason, maybe they were on a club sports team together and started dating from there? But Pepper fell in love w Christine at first sight, and it got worse and worse the more they got to know each other. Much like Stephen and Tony, they’re the kind of people who meet each other and just click, even if the eventual path to Pristine involves lots of tears and jealousy for Pepper that Stephen never really experienced. He didn’t feel jealous of Tony and Steve’s relationship, because he wasn’t at boarding school with Tony and there wasn’t much he could do. But as a supportive and concerned (and honest but kind) friend, he was always encouraging and there to listen to Tony. Is Pepper going to be as good of a friend to Christine as Stephen was to Tony while Christine gets ready to marry Hope after undergrad??? that’s the question my forthcoming college au fic will answer.

Also mentioned in my forthcoming fic (which I’m still writing rn)

- post undergrad Wong works as a museum director/curator (havent decided yet, maybe he works his way up the ranks) and double majored in psych and history.

- Stephen, Tony, Happy, Rhodey, and Wong all live together and the rest of the group lives around NYC.

- Stephen, Christine, and Bruce (The Doctor friend group) are all pursuing medical degrees while the SI friend group is transforming the company completely.

++++

Thank you for coming to my TEDTalk! Congrats on reading all the way to the end lmao. I second guessed posting this a lot but then i remembered that it’s mine and I’m just sharing pre-fic thoughts lol. Thanks for reading/for your support of my work y’all!

Read the makeup fic (it doesn’t have a title) here.

💜💜💜💜

[19mrs-barnes17]

Wrong Turn

Summary: You’ve decided to take matters into your own hands by making a plan to prove your innocence on your terms.

Part: 2/3

Pairing: Dean Winchester x reader

Warnings: vague PTSD mentions

Word count: 1,441

A/N:  Here’s part two, hope you enjoy!

~

The sizzling of the blade against the shifter's skin won you no favors, all seemed convinced and yet you were sent back to your cell. Not a word spoken about your release. With no clock you were unsure how much time had passed and your mind began to wander, thoughts soon consumed by what had gotten you there in the first place. You had needed to clean up a mess some hunter made, for once the shifter was not a loner and their family was the vengeful sort. The poor idiot never saw the signs, never thought to check the rest of the family and paid the price. The headline was then passed along to you, whose expertise just so happened to be shifters. Well, it was one of your expertise anyhow.

One of your college roommates was killed by a shifter, so you tacked it on to your ever growing list of monsters you had encountered. First it was werewolves, like the one who killed your parents, then shifters, vamps, and so on. The list of monster’s you had spent your life training to kill was fairly standard, but with every personal encounter your knowledge expanded. And with the expansion of your expertise came the spread of your name, you weren’t a Winchester but you were pretty damn close. And it wasn’t long before your paths crossed, the occasional hunt tackled together. You were meant to have moved into their bunker this month, after you finished up the case that is.

How long would it be before they began to suspect something was wrong? And when they tracked you down how would they break you free? Cas probably couldn't even get in. Unless… this place wasn’t warded.

“Castiel, if you can hear me I’m in a S.H.I.E.L.D. facility. I don’t know which one specifically, but they picked me up somewhere outside Queens, NY. I need you to help me convince them I was doing the public a service by killing that shifter, because I still have one left before this mess is officially cleaned up.” There was a soft whoosh in the air and you knew your prayer had been heard, but when you turned about you froze. 

“How did you manage to get caught?” Those cautious green eyes scanned over you warily and you held out your arm. Dean put your identity through all the tests before he was satisfied with your side of the story, pulling you in for a hug once you were cleared. 

“...and they’ve had me ever since.” He parted from you and his eyes immediately began to case the room, eyes landing on the corner camera.

“Well they’ll know you made a run for it, that is if we are making a run for it?” You glanced between him, Cas, and the camera as you weighed the alternative. Leave and deal with the consequences or stay and wait for them to decide if you’re worth letting go.

“They’ll send someone, but perhaps we can make them send a specific person.” Dean nodded along, but wasn’t quite following your thought process. You gave the camera your best smile, well your most sarcastic one. “If you want damn convincing proof, send Steve Rogers to the address on the phone you took from me. Let’s get out of here.”

The bunker was a sight for sore eyes, you had missed the endless halls and the comfort of the full bookshelves lining the walls of the entry room. Running your fingers over the initials carved into the table you sighed, guilt beginning to seep into your skin. A hand slid itself over yours, fingers intertwined with yours.

“Let’s go kick some ass, yeah?”  

It seemed surreal that S.H.I.E.L.D. had agreed to the plan you had laid out: bring the Captain and the companion of his choice along on the hunt, show them the truth about monsters, and convince them you are not a threat but an ally. Should the duo find you in the right, S.H.I.E.L.D. would grant you a pardon of sorts and let you go. The case was simple enough, now all you needed to do was get it over with. In and out, simple. But, simple never went smooth when it came to a case.

You weren’t surprised to see the newly reformed best friend of Captain Rogers standing at his side as you entered the building, the motel door softly clicking shut as you smiled awkwardly at the pair. However, Bucky did seem surprised to be there as he shifted his weight from foot to foot and glanced at you with a confused look. A bag of your things was handed over to you, well a bag that held your phone and blade that is. Without missing a beat you handed your phone to Dean who chucked it at the wall while you slid the blade into your boot. The device didn’t shatter on impact.

“What was that for?” The two men were absolutely perplexed by the action and watched as Dean shrugged before grabbing the phone, snapping it, and chucking the pieces in the trash.

“I don’t trust easy.” 

“Who is this?” Bucky was growing wary of the situation, eyes watching everyone carefully. 

“Right, zero introductions have taken place. This is Dean Winchester, one of the best hunters I know.” Hands were shaken and tension dwindled as you turned to face the super soldiers. “And we all know Steve Rogers, Captain America, and his best friend Bucky Barnes.”

“Please, just call me Steve.” 

“Okay pleasantries are out of the way, down to business.” 

“Already ahead of you, Pizza is on its way.” 

“When did you order a pizza?” He smirked and mumbled something about ‘having his ways’. “It was while I went with Cas for the files.”

“A magician never reveals his secrets.” You tossed a pillow at him, which he caught, before he tossed you the keys. “The rest are in the trunk.”

“Where’s Baby parked?” He motioned the direction with his thumb, distracted by the file in front of him. His eyes never left the pages even as you placed a kiss to his cheek and walked out the door.

“Baby?” Dean didn’t even look up, he was doing his best to focus on the facts laid out before him. "You named your car Baby?"

"She's a classic '67 Chevy Impala, what kind of car do you drive?" Just as Bucky was about to retort you waltzed back in with two boxes. 

You sat in one of the beds compiling your notes on your laptop, fingers skimming through the pages within the folder quickly. Steve and Bucky glanced over files once you and Dean had passed them over, the hope was that their eyes would spot something your tired but trained eyes overlooked. 

"How did you catch the mom?" Dean tossed the file in his hand onto the counter before falling into bed beside you. 

"Though she was grown and careful, but she had habits. Faces that she particularly favored, always dark haired women. When Todd killed her husband, but left her and the kid she figured she was safe. That's when she started to use some of her old looks. I had Sam hook up an algorithm to search for her old faces the moment I learned of her partiality. She fell for the trap of false safety." You could feel eyes on you and you didn't appreciate the judgment in them.

"Well the kid won't fall for that, not if he's got any sense. Where was he last seen?" You handed him your laptop, hands rummaging through the box at the end of the bed. 

"Hey check this out. Says here that they had a cabin in their name." Steve piped up from the table and nearly scared the life out of you. When your eyes fell on the piece of paper your heart dropped, knees buckling. 

"Woah there, it's alright I got you. What's the-" After his eyes fell on the paper he froze, heart dropping into his stomach. "You don't have to go there. Not ever again."

"What's happening? How do you know the place?" Dean helped you find your footing, his arms holding you upright. 

"From a nightmare." Your voice was shaky as you excused yourself, walking out the door into the cool night.

"Hello." You jumped in your skin at the sound of the voice next to you, its sound unfamiliar yet it sent a chill down your spine. "I think it's time you and I have a little chat."

~

Tags: @qtmeryr​ @broken-hearted-barnes​ @asphalt-cocktail​ @gstran18​ @cantnkrusshedevil​ @xoxoaudreymarie @royal-sunflower @greenarrowhead @rando10k

[high-functioning-lokipath]

Chapter 3 - First Come First Serve - Words: 2,788

"Here's her profile, Greg," Sergeant Donovon said, dropping a folder on her boss's desk.

"Clarissa Hughes, aged 32, brown and blue, 5' 5", No. 1 District, been on the force since '10, promoted to Sergeant in '17. Unmarried, unattached, no children, father deceased, mother living in Manchester, one sister in America." Greg sighed after reading the file. He leaned back in his chair and rubbed his forehead. He never liked cases involving one of his own. They always gave him a migraine.

The scene yesterday was impressive even for someone like him who'd been in New Scotland Yard for over 30 years. The young woman had been found in her apartment, laying face down on the floor. A small bullet hole in the window revealed a sniper had been perched on the roof of a nearby building. While there were entry and exit wounds, they had not yet found the bullet to give to ballistics.

"There's not much to go on. It could have been random. Maybe she had one bad date with someone who was a bit off their rocker and-"

"Inspector," Anderson interrupted.

"Yes?" Greg replied, migraine now doubling.

"They found this at the scene." Anderson held out a Ziploc with a ruby red, silk handkerchief. It had no markings on it, not even a snag, save for the small, gold R embroidered on the corner.

"Where did they find it?"

"It was special delivered today with no return address or other markings."

"Now why would a woman, whose name does not start with R, order a monogrammed handkerchief."

"Bored!"

*bang*

"BORED!"

*bang bang bang*

"Sherlock! I swear you had better stop that or I will call Lestrade this time and tell him it was you who put the hallucinogen in Anderson's tea!"

"Fine!"

"Good!”

*thwap thud thwap thud thwap thud*

"Sherlock?"

"I'm being quiet!"

"What are you doing?"

"A bow and arrow are much more satisfying!"

"Oh -!"

"Torry! Guess what!" Erin called out to her roommate from the living room of their shared apartment.

"You're moving out?" She called back, teasing as usual.

"Haha, very funny," Erin deadpanned. "Really though, this is awesome."

"Did we get a case?"

"Better!"

"Two cases?"

"Torry!"

"Ok! What?"

"In exactly 1 month you and I will be in London, England speaking at the International Inspectors Convention."

"Wow! That's fantastic! I wonder if-" Torry paused. "Nevermind."

"Don't worry, Torry, I already checked," Erin winked. "He's scheduled to speak the day after us."

"Inspector, there's been another murder," Donovan announced, walking up to Lestrade in the break room.

"Ok," he replied. "Is it my division?"

"Yes, this time it was Amelia Walker. She was an Inspector in No. 3 District." Greg slammed his mug down on the counter.

"Walker and Hughes were two of our best inspectors! Have you found any connection yet?" The two grabbed their jackets and headed downstairs.

"Nothing yet. The landlady just reported her body. Anderson's there now with his team."

"Ok then, let's go." The two got in the car and headed off. When they arrived, Anderson rushed up holding a small envelope.

"Another one just arrived," He said. Lestrade grabbed the envelope and looked inside. Sure enough, another ruby red handkerchief with an embroidered R on the corner. "I asked the delivery boy where he got it from but he said he didn't know. It was a different boy this time too."

"Where is she?" Lestrade asked. They followed Anderson over to the body. "Cause of death?"

"Another sniper." Anderson showed them the bullet hole in a nearby window. Lestrade shook his head.

"Did ballistics ever get a lead on the gun?"

"Nothing," Donovan replied. "It's a standard sniper rifle but there are literally hundreds of those to try and track down."

"There must be something we're missing," Lestrade groaned.

"Ah! London! Doesn't it smell great!" Erin exclaimed, taking a deep breath as they stepped off the plane.

"It smells like airplane fuel. Let's wait till we actually leave the airport," Torry replied.

"Ok, grumpy. Geez, remind me never to take you on a flight again." Torry growled in reply but Erin just chuckled. "Let's go get our bags and head to the hotel."

"And go straight to bed. I'm dead."

The next day, the inspectors convention started. There were hundreds of private investigators, police inspectors, and a few other kinds of detectives. Torry kept her eye out for one specific "Consulting Detective" but there was no sign of him on the first day. They did however meet their hotel room neighbor, Frances Grant. She had been an inspector at NYS in London until she moved to Manchester about a year ago.

"Nice gal," Erin commented, walking out of their bathroom that night.

"Yeah. I wonder what that case she mentioned was," Torry replied from her bed, already laying down.

"I don't know. She said she was going to help her old academy friend investigate while she was here, right?"

"Mm," Torry agreed. "Must be pretty serious," She said sleepily.

"Are you really already going to sleep?"

"And why shouldn't I?"

"Seriously? We're in a hotel, got to bed early, have the opportunity to actually watch BBC from London and you want to sleep."

"Yes. You watch TV and tell me all about it when I wake up. I won't be able to stay awake to give BBC my full attention when I'm this tired."

"Party pooper," Erin teased as she plugged in her earbuds. Torry grunted in reply and went to sleep. 2 hours later, Erin was nearly asleep still watching late night mystery shows on BBC.

*CRASH*

"What the-" Erin startled awake. Looking at the TV she saw the detective on the show had just been shot. "Oh, should probably turn that off and go to sleep," She whispered to herself. After turning off the TV and unplugging her earbuds, Erin rolled over and tried to go to sleep.

"Wake up sleepyhead!" Torry yelled the next morning.

"Ok, ok, I'm up," Erin groaned. The girls got ready for the day, Torry dressing up extra fancy since a certain someone was on the program. They headed down for breakfast, where Frances said she'd meet up with them. She didn't show up though and the girls headed back to their room.

"I wonder why Frances didn't come down for breakfast," Torry mused, walking out of the elevator on their floor. Erin shrugged and was about to say something when there was a yell from down the hallway.

"Help! Help! Police! Someone!" A housekeeper cried out.

"What's wrong, miss?" Erin asked, rushing up to her in front of one of the rooms

"Sh-sh-she's dead!" The woman exclaimed. Torry squeezed past her, not noticing which room it was, and looked inside.

"It's Frances!" Torry called out to Erin.

"Oh no!" Erin replied. "I'll be right there!" Erin turned to the housekeeper and handed her a tissue from a box on the cleaning cart. "Why don't you wait in our room? I'll call the police and then they can take a statement from you once they get here." The lady nodded and Erin took her to their room to sit down. From there she called the police.

Meanwhile, Torry began investigating the scene of the crime. "Hm, sniper," Torry mumbled to herself, noticing the window. She walked around the body, examining it and taking mental notes. Suddenly there was a knock on the room door.

"Police!" Torry opened the door at once. "Inspector Lestrade," The man introduced himself. "Are you the one that called?"

"No, that would be my friend, Erin. She's in our room next door with the housekeeper who found the body."

"Are you here for the convention?" Lestrade asked. 'Last thing I need is some amateur messing things up,' He thought to himself.

"Yes."

'Dang it!' He mentally shouted. "Alright, have you moved or touched anything since you entered the room?"

"Really, Inspector, I wouldn't dare! This is a crime scene after all!"

"Ok, just checking," He defended.

"36, married, no children, lives in Manchester, originally from London. That much she told us last night. We had dinner together. She must have died sometime in the middle of the night. I'd say around 2am. Based off the stage of rigor mortis." Lestrade stared at her, surprised. He'd only ever seen one other person rattle off so many facts so quickly. "She was killed by a sniper through the window. I also noticed that-"

"Wait, sniper?"

"Yes. I believe I just said that."

"What's her name?"

"Frances Grant, she's an-"

"Inspector," Lestrade said sadly. "I went to the Academy with her." He shook his head. "Anderson, get me those two other files. Let's see if this one has a connection."

"I'm sure it does, Graham. You probably just haven't looked well enough," Sherlock drawled from the doorway.

"Did I invite you here, Sherlock?" Lestrade yelled.

"Not specifically," He replied coolly, waltzing into the room. "But I heard there was a murder," He said, eyes lighting up. "And I simply had to come!" He grinned.

"Sherlock!" A shorter man yelled from the hallway. "Where did you get off to?"

"In here John!" Torry was just about to say something, finally past the initial surprise that her favorite Detective was standing in front of her, when Erin yelled from the next room.

"Torry! Get over here!" She yelled. Torry, John, and Greg rushed over. "She's gone into shock, can you help me get her on the bed instead of this chair?"

"I can help you, miss. I'm a Doctor," John said.

"Please do, Dr. Watson," She replied. Turning to the others, she asked: "Are you with the Yard?" Lestrade nodded. "She was the one who discovered her body. You'll want a statement later, obviously."

"Ah yes, thank you, Miss-"

"Erin Blair. And that's Torry Star. We're America's only consulting detectives," Erin said with a wink. John's eyebrows shot up immediately. "Yes, Doctor," She continued. "I've read your blog."

"Speaking of Sherlock," Lestrade spoke up. "I had better get back and make sure he hasn't started world war 3 with Anderson."

"If you don't mind, I'd like to come back with you. There was something I noticed," Torry said. Lestrade nodded and the two of them went to the other room. Torry walks in first and, while Sherlock and Anderson are bickering, paces the room. 'Now, I need to check what's shining behind that chair,' She thought. Attempting to go to the corner to check, Torry finds Sherlock is blocking her path. "If you're not going to help investigate the murder, then get out of my way so I can." Torry states. She then pushes past him to examine what she finds to be a bullet casing. Greg had to bite back a laugh at Sherlock's face.

'I've never seen the man look so offended!' Greg thought. 'This will be interesting.' Just then, the hotel phone rang. "Hello, Inspector Lestrade," He said, picking up the phone.

"Inspector, we just had a package dropped off for Miss Grant's room. The boy asked it be delivered right away to Sergeant Donovan."

"Alright, bring it up." Once the package was brought up, Anderson and Donovan opened it carefully while Sherlock and Torry argued over what type of sniper's rifle shoots those bullets.

"It's another handkerchief!" Anderson exclaimed.

"Another?" Torry and Sherlock asked in surprise. Greg explained to them what had happened with the last two murders.

"There's a note with this one," Donovan said shakily. "Congratulations. You're next."

"Let me see that," Torry said, grabbing the handkerchief. "The sniper is a woman. Military or police training with that level of skill. I'd say about 37 with that handwriting. First name is Ruby. This handkerchief is Ruby red and has her monogram."

"Ruby Jones!" Greg exclaimed. "She went to the Academy with me. She failed though. She didn't like working with others. She was too competitive, always trying to prove herself. She had a high level shooting badge and I think she trained on that rifle you mentioned before. I guess she was taking her revenge."

"I'll put out a warrant," Anderson said.

"Thanks," Donovan said to Torry. "I don't know what to say."

"Really?" Sherlock scoffed. "You're thanking her! She did the same thing I do! Well, not as perfectly but still!"

"She's different, Holmes," Donovan spat. "You wouldn't understand, freak."

"And with that I wish we had solved the case a little later," Torry mumbled. Donovan didn't hear her, but Sherlock did. Though he couldn't hold back a slight smile at that, he still felt a bit put off at Torry stealing his spotlight.

Meanwhile, once the others left the room, John looked at Erin with a smirk. "What?" She chuckled.

"America's only consulting detectives?" He teased.

"I couldn't help it," She replied. "We are fairly well known back in the colonies," She said with a posh British accent, making John smile. "We got invited to speak at the convention yesterday."

"Oh! Of course! You were the guest speakers! I actually wanted to come and see you but Sherlock got stuck on a case. It was really only a 3 but I couldn't get away."

"Ah," Erin sounded in agreement. "Yeah, that's happened to us too. Torry and I work together on every case. If one's there, so is the other."

"So which of you is Sherlock then?" John teased. "If I may do a little deduction of my own, you said you read the blog, you're obviously both fans, so it would only make sense that you've tried to compare yourselves."

"Well done, my dear Watson," Erin grinned. "Yes, we've done that. But we don't line up with either of you exactly. I guess it depends on the case. Some Torry picks up on right away, some I pick up on, and some we figure out together 50/50. And we've had some pretty crazy cases too! Nothing as interesting as yours I suppose though."

"Sounds like you make a good team. I, erm, wouldn't mind discussing some of those interesting cases with you," He said casually. "Perhaps the four of us could go out to dinner this evening?"

"That would be lovely!" Erin said. Just as she finished speaking, they heard yelling from Sherlock and Torry in the next room. They rush over to see what the commotion was. Sherlock and Torry were standing toe to toe right next to the body. Lestrade, Anderson and Donovan were just watching in surprise.

"What makes you think you can just waltz in here and take over my crime scene?" Torry yelled, cheeks bright red.

"Yours?" Sherlock scoffed. "London is mine! You're just some American knock off!"

"Knock off! Well then tell me, why didn't you notice the bullet casing? Hm?"

"I hadn't looked there yet! I was just about to!"

"Week excuse from a man who notices everything!" Torry smirked. "Tell me, what's your excuse now?"

"Excuse for what?" He hissed.

"Dilated pupils, elevated heart rate, rapid breathing, shall I list more?"

"I could ask the same for you," He replied. Torry blushed even brighter but maintained eye contact. Suddenly, after a moment of quiet, Sherlock leaned forward and kissed her quickly. "I like you," He whispered. "Dinner tonight?"

"Ok," Torry squeaked, abit dazed. Sherlock spun around, coat swishing behind him.

"John, let's go, we have to get ready," Sherlock stated. John shook his head and Erin chuckled.

"I guess they're just more blunt than we are," Erin joked.

"It would seem so," John replied, blushing slightly himself. "See you tonight then. We'll pick you up here."

"Ok, John," Erin said. "Well, well, well," She then said, turning to Torry. "Solve the case yet?"

"And that's how Torry and I met," Sherlock stated. He smiled at his fiance who was sitting next to him.

"You forgot to mention how nervous you were that night getting ready," John adds, laughing. Erin and Torry chuckled lightly but Sherlock's ears tinted red. The older couple sitting across them by the fireplace smiled. Sherlock had brought John, Torry and Erin to his parents house to introduce the girls and make the big announcement.

"Well, we couldn't be happier for our son," Mummy said. "Or for you John. You're family too you know," She winked.

"So when's the happy day?" Sherlock's Dad asked. Torry and Erin were just about to reply but they were interrupted.

"Oh please!" Mycroft groaned. "Weddings are simply atrocious emotional events that I have no use for." Sherlock's face fell slightly.

"So I suppose our asking you to officiate would be out of the question?" Sherlock asked

"On the other hand," Mycroft said suddenly, a smile hinting at the corners of his mouth. "Perhaps I can make an exception just this once."

Sherlock BBC Taglist

@lucywrites02

@delightfulheartdream

@bartv21

@another-crazy-fangirl

@ladylulu143

[prettymuchdolansbitch]

Love to Lie (Nick Mara)

A/N: So this is my first PRETTYMUCH / Nick Mara imagine &&& I'm worried 🥶 hopefully you guys like it ! Thank you for reading💖

Being the girlfriend of a famous popstar who was in a boyband was tough. You knew it and so did Nick, but you fought through it. His late night practices and tours were always getting in the way of you being together. To add on, college didn't help on your end. You always debated on seeing Nick or going to class.

You never minded though. You would do anything for the boy. He had you wrapped around his finger. When they announced that they were going on their own tour, you were ecstatic. Except for the fact that the semester just started and you barely had time to go to any of the shows.

Luckily, some time cleared up so that you can see the Anaheim show. After that you weren't going to know the next time you would see your boyfriend. His family hit you up mid-October to see if you were able to fly out and surprise Nick along with the rest of his family.

This made you the happiest girl alive. You've only met his family twice and they wanted to see more of you. You agreed and flew out to NY for their show. The family got to see soundcheck and spend a little time with Nick before he had to perform. That's when you came in, he was happy but you knew something was bothering him deep down. To be honest, you probably knew him more than he knew himself.

The surprise was a success and you got to see your boyfriend again. Going back to school was a struggle because all you wanted was to be in bed with Nick talking about anything. While studying, you simply played with your 6-month anniversary necklace that he got you. It was a simple gold chain with the letter "N" hanging from it.

Skip a few weeks to the weekend before Thanksgiving. You and Nick were still going strong, but he was being more dry than usual. You thought it was you overreacting, but you couldn't be more wrong.

You've been asking Nick for the past week if you should come out to see their last show. You dropped hints waiting for him to say something along the lines of "Can you come to our last show?" but you never got it. You eventually just asked him if you could go. He flat out rejected you.

"Baby as much as I would love for you to come to the last show, it's just going to be so hectic and crazy. I don't want you to get hurt. I have to go, were rehearsing. Love you" That was pretty much how the conversation went. You were devastated, but you accepted. He was only looking out for you.

It's now November 18th and Nick hasn't called or texted all day. It's the last show day and you knew they've been in Boston for the past 2 days. Nick was being choppy on FaceTime last night and you were actually starting to worry.

You and your roommates decide to have a little Friendsgiving before you all were going to head home for break. While you were playing Just Dance with your roomies, you decide to go live and share the experience of having funny ass roommates.

You were reading comments and it was the usual. Until questions came up about Nick.

"Why aren't you at the last show?"

- "Nick thought it would be too hectic for me to be there and that he probably won't even see me."

"PLS FOLLOW ME I LOVE UUUU"

"NOTICE MEEEEEEE💙💙💙💙💙💙💕💕💕💕💕"

- "Love you (random user)"

"How's Nick?"

- "Doing good"

"u single?"

"Did you know alexys is there?"

"teaaaaa"

"alexys is in Boston to 👀🤭"

"I LOVE YOUUUUUUUU"

You felt your heart breaking at each comment about Alexys being in Boston. You end the live and look for any proof before you go ballistic. Going on your explore page, you see her selfie that was obviously taken on snap.

"5:45 Boston" The filter said. Jasmine was your best friend in the house. She knew something was up. She saw what you were looking at and she saw what you saw on the live. You kept scrolling to see if there was anything else. A fan posted a video of Alexys talking to people on a balcony. The balcony in the venue the boys were at.

Jas saw you shook up. "Hey, do you wanna go to the bar? Maybe take your mind off things?" You nod and plug your phone in the charger. You got ready and took off for the night.

~

After recovering from a hangover, you packed everything you thought you would need for the next week. You decided you were going home earlier than everyone. You didn't want to be anywhere near Nick's house when they got home. Your apartment/school was 20 minutes from the PRETTYMUCH house.

You have yet to talk to Nick. You assumed he was busy because of flights and stuff. But you also assumed the worst. After saying goodbye to your roomies for the week, you packed up your car and drove off.

Nick

He was definitely nervous to see you. He was scared to see your reaction and tell you that he loves you. The boys landed the morning after their last show. They all went home and decided to rest for the day. Nick on the other hand was already out the door to see you.

He got to your apartment and didn't see your car. He wasn't too suspicious, he just assumed you didn't park where you normally did. As he's walking up the driveway, the door opens. Nick kind of freezes and waits to see if it's you. Turns out it was only Jas.

Jas lays her eyes on the one and only Nick Mara. "Hey Jas, is -" She already knew what he was there for. "She's not here. Even if she was, wouldn't let you in anyways." Jas throws her bags into the trunk of her car.

"I just have to -" He got interrupted by Jas slamming her trunk. "Listen here, you have some nerve showing up here with the stunt you pulled last night. She was upset over a douche like you. But like I said, she's not here. She went home." Jas opened her car door.

"I thought she doesn't go home until Wednesday?" He said looking at the window that led to your room. "Plans change don't they." Jas was in her car and she zoomed off.

Nick hopped into his car and drove the two hours to your hometown. When he got there, he was even more nervous. He saw your brother was home too. Nick finally made it to the door and knocked slowly.

He heard the locks turning and his stomach fluttered, excited to see your beautiful face. Instead he was met with your older brother, Kai.

"Hey man. Is -" "I should really deck you right now, but I won't." Nick nodded and looked at his feet. "Who are you being a dick to this early -" You push the door wider and you see the face you were dreading to see all day. "Hm. Nevermind."

"You got this?" Kai said to you. "I'll be fine." you stepped out and sat on one of the chairs that were on the porch. Nick followed suit and sat in the chair next to you. You stay staring out at the neighborhood in front of you, waiting for Nick to say something.

"How was the last show?" You ask starting the conversation. "It was good, crazy like I said it would be." Nick was rubbing his hands together because of how clammy they were.

"Listen, I am so sorry that -" "Nick we're done." You blurted it out before you could even think. He was in shock. Nick never thought he would hear those words come from your mouth.

"What? Why?" He said leaning foward. "Did you seriously just ask me why we're done Nick? You lied to me, your own girlfriend. Also I looked like an idiot because I didn't even know your ex was going to be there. Not like she had a right to be there, but whatever." You scoffed at him.

"I know it looks bad, but I can explain." "Looks bad? Really? I don't need an explanation. Like I said we are done." You got up this time to go back inside the house and never see this kid again. "But I love you"

You felt the cold metal on your neck and realized you almost forgot. You unclasped the necklace and held it in your hand. "Nick, if you really loved me, there wouldn't have been an option for you to choose. We've been dating for months, and you still had the thought of choosing between me and your ex? Thought you were over that when you asked me to be your girlfriend. You obviously don't love me, at least not like I loved you. It shouldn't take you seeing your ex to make you realize that you love me. " You turned and put the necklace in his hands.

"I'll always support you and the boys, but as of right now, I want nothing to do with you. Goodbye Nick." you actually left him this time. You shut the door and slid down the door, crying for real this time.

[canaryatlaw]

lol so I got like 2 hours of sleep last night and now I have to wake up in 6 hours. fun times! today was pretty good overall though. woke up at 4-fucking-15 am and was on my way to the airport, made pretty good time. security was pretty packed so that took a bit. I was concerned about how long the walk to the gate would be because coming in the walk from the gate to baggage claim was super long and my legs were not cooperating at all, and it was very bad. it ended up being about 10 minutes, which isn’t great but still like 10 minutes less than last time and my legs behaved so that’s a relief. I got a starbucks refresher (needed caffeine) and a butter croissant quickly and then basically got on line to board. I was being stubborn and didn’t want to pre-pay for a seat, so I ended up in the middle of the row, but oh well. I started doing the sudoku puzzles in the airline magazine as usual, and as usual I solved the easy one before we left the ground, lol. the medium one proved to be a lot more difficult, and I got incredibly close to solving it with like 4 boxes left but there were like two messed up ones and I stared at it for like half an hour trying to figure it out and it was not happening because everything else had no errors and it was fucking impossible to figure out, so I gave up and read some fanfic. I got off the plane for my incredibly quick layover in Charlotte (because a layover in fucking North Carolina makes total sense flying from NY to Chicago) and thankfully the gate was right next door because I literally got off the one plane and boarded the other, I spent a total of like 20 minutes in Charlotte lol. the second flight I was determined to do the medium puzzle right this time and not make any guesses which was what messed it up last time, so it actually took a good bit longer but by the time we were descending into Chicago I had successfully solved it and I felt very accomplished with myself, lol. walk to the baggage claim wasn’t bad, but then when I arrived there we had the furthest baggage claim carousel in the opposite direction from where I’d have to walk to get an uber, and then of course it takes forever for the bags to come, and just as they start coming out I get a text that *oops* my bag didn’t make it onto the plane and would be arriving in Chi on a later flight. FUCKING GREAT. they were doing free delivery at least but I was still pretty peeved, though at least I didn’t have to drag my 25 pound bag with me on the long walk to the ubers which was always a pain, but thankfully my legs still behaved with the walk and I got home fine, though the uber like doubled in price from when I first checked it ($24) unti like 5 minutes later when I ordered it ($46) so no idea what happened there, but it was a load of bullshit. but anyway, I was home. first thing I wanted was to see my cat, and I could already hear her meowing before I even made it to the door, lol. she was very happy to see me and my roommate (who got in last night, and left shortly after I got back) and just generally following us around and meowing constantly lol. very cute. I had a ton of packages and cards accumulated on my bed so I took a while to go through all of those, then relaxed for a bit watching a few episodes of Chicago Med. Friend asked if I wanted to go to Taco Bell and Target in about an hour, so I said sure, and in the mean time searched the pantry for my lost key from my laptop (the one for T), because in order to get the trade in value of $650 all the hardware had to be in place, and I was missing one fucking key, and without it the trade in value went down to like $210, so I had like $400 worth of motivation to find the damn key lol. and I mean it really couldn’t have gone far. so I went through all the stuff on the floor and then the lowest shelf, and shortly after starting on the second shelf I found it sitting on top of a can of tomatoes, so that was a major relief. I’m trying to figure out if I can put like a dab of superglue under the keys that are detached (there’s like, 6 of them) just enough for it to pass inspection for it to get approved for the $650 credit, if it starts falling apart after that’s their problem now lol. It technically meets all the standards of everything being in the right place right now, but I would feel better about it if they would at least stay in place, so I’ll look into that. not long after I found it, friend came to pick me up and we got taco bell, while she told me about all the kpop content she apparently watched while I was gone, and we laughed a lot haha. when we were on our way to Target I got a call from the bag delivery call which made it sound like they had dropped it off, so we took a quick detour to my apartment to at least put it inside the door, only to find it had not actually been dropped off and it was a preliminary call. oh well. we went to Target from there and mused over the music section for a bit before actually grabbing some groceries. I didn’t get everything because I need to put in an instacart order tomorrow anyway for stuff I couldn’t get at Target, so I just grabbed some essentials since I had like, no actual food lol. I got froot loops flavored poptarts that are apparently limited edition and clearly needed to be tried. we checked out and went back to my apartment, where we watched one of the kpop concerts they streamed over the last week followed by a bunch of different videos with friend still trying to get me to memorize all 23 fucking members of this goddamn band (I insist it’s become a choir at this point) and at some point my bag got dropped off, so that was a relief. friend left around 10, and I sat around for a bit longer on my computer before showering and starting to get ready for bed, and then of course getting distracted with a million different things I had to do right then, and then finally started writing this and now I’m here. It’s just past 2:30 am and I do have a 8:45 am wake up for court (boo, though the time could obviously be worse, I still don’t want to go back to work) so it sounds like a great time for me to get the heck to bed, so I’m going to do that now. Goodnight my dears. Hope your Monday doesn’t suck.

[a-romance-with-misery]

Day 254: A New Reality (3/4/20)

If I were to sum up what has stood out to me this year, the list of things would be overwhelmingly negative in nature. Whether that’d be because of the current miserable situation I, and billions of people around the world are trapped in, or because this year has been unusually bad is up for debate... anyhow...

I have an obsession with checking the statistics surrounding SARS-Cov-2, colloquially known as “the coronavirus”. As it stands (10pm Eastern/ NY time) on April 3rd, over 1,098,000 people have tested positive for the virus and over 59,000 have died from it. China (the place of origin for the virus) now, in official records, ranks 5th behind the U.S., Italy, Spain, and Germany in that order. In terms of overall deaths, China is now 6th behind Italy, Spain, U.S., France, and the U.K.

Focusing around the U.S., there have been over 270,000 confirmed cases and over 7,000 deaths so far. The rate of increase is slowing somewhat, but not at all enough to even say exponential growth of cases and deaths is over...

My family has been limiting shopping to once per two weeks. We wore masks, brought Clorox wipes, and kept our distance from other shoppers in every store we went to. And we were not at all alone in this trend. The CDC is now recommending people in the American populace to wear basic cloth masks when outside and to keep at least 6 ft apart from each other. This, of course, has not been followed by everyone nor is it entirely feasible to be followed by everyone. New York City has unofficially become the new epicentre of the pandemic as they record thousands of new cases and hundreds of new deaths everyday.

Life has changed drastically in a short period of time for so many. Over 6.6 million Americans have become unemployed at this point. Close to 3/4 of the nation is under a stay-at-home order/ been told to shelter in place. A sniffle or a cough is greeted with glares and nervous whispering in public. This is an event which will be remembered for an entire generation...

Some days, I’m angry. Some days, I’m fatigued beyond belief. Some days, I’m gripped by sadness and find myself unable to even perform the basic function of eating. Most days, however, I am fearful. I am scared.

Looking back at past pandemics, things came to pass after a year or two. Things settled down, albeit often with thousands gone, and life often returned to normal. It may sound insane, but I can’t imagine that happening this time. This virus has caused upheaval around the globe and has stunted the world economy. Thousands are already dead, and thousands, if not millions, are predicted to die. Hell, in the U.S. alone, a tenuous prediction of 100,000-240,000 American fatalities are being predicted from this pandemic. Most of this fear comes from the fact we don’t know when this event will end. We don’t know whether this is just the very beginning of the outbreak, whether we’re already near the peak and the worst will come to pass soon, or if we’re somewhere in the middle, with the light at the end of the tunnel rapidly approaching, but not nearly fast enough. Fear of what’s to come has led to a toxic political environment (especially given this is an election year), fear has fueled the rise of conspiracy theories, fear has crippled this and so many other nations. At this point in time, however, I can only see fear when reflecting upon my future. No tomorrow is guaranteed, especially given the severe symptoms of this virus and the high chance I will eventually be infected alongside the rest of my family despite our best efforts...

On a much lighter note, I want to talk about my crushes from previous years. I’ve had an unsual amount of time to reflect on myself, and this was one subject I had never broached until recently when evaluating who I am. Even bolder, I plan on including these people’s first names, because I have nothing left to lose. My emotional state right now can be described as outwardly calm, but inwardly on fire.

Anyhow, here we begin. First, we have Jakob from 9th grade. After I had gotten out of a sort of relationship with a girl (it lasted 6 months, but she eventually realized something that I couldn’t see in myself. I didn’t actually love her, I just thought I did because I had never experienced love before at that point, or really any kind of infatuation for that matter.) I met Jakob through a mutual friend of ours. Now, my first impression of him was...strange to say the least. He seemed friendly enough, but our mutual friend pointed out to me that Jakob has taken pizza from her fridge without her permission. My first impression of this kiddo was that he was vaguely rude, but kind of handsome in a subtle way. He was 5’11” (he told me, I didn’t literally measure him), had brown hair, blue eyes, a body on the stockier side, and had a cheeky grin that I would never admit I found super cute on him. Anyhow, I later discovered he was in my world history class, leading to an actual friendship developing out of that. He’s straight as an arrow and never knew (and still doesn’t know) that I ever had a crush on him. Hell, I only realized years later after another friend of mine asked about my personal life during a walk in the woods. This crush died, however, once he told me a few things my sophomore year of high school. He told me he didn’t believe in climate change and that I wasn’t as liberal as I thought I was (Mind you, this was 2016, an election year). That last comment especially irked me at the time, ultimately crushing any feelings I had for him. To this day, however, I’m still friends with him and hang out with him with another mutual friend of ours, Willow.

We have to jump to 12th grade for my next crush. This one, I barely want to include simply because of how brief it was. In my second semester of 12th grade, I met a kid named Chandler in my calculus class. He has (and still does) a fascination with meteorology, which, at the time, was one of my hobbies as well. He was handsome, I’ll give him that, with a slight scruff, blue eyes, strong jawline, and being on the shorter side (I’m 5’7” and he was shorter than me). This infatuation lasted just a few months, and never actually got that deep. I just remember at the end of my school’s Spring Fling event (where students got out of class early, played games outside and inside, ate food, etc) I spent a significant portion of that time just sitting with Chandler and giving him all my online meteorology resources. We reviewed some of my favourite hurricanes, current (at the time) storms, etc. Plus, I felt sympathy for him as he appeared to have only a few friends at the spring fling. Almost forgot to mention, he’s very straight too. But once again, this is a crush that I’ve come to realize after the fact, so...I mean I don’t know how that makes it better that I lacked self-awareness in the moment but for some reason it feels better?

Finally, we have three different men from my first year of college: Ryan, Carter, and Noah. These, admittedly, were shallow crushes at the time which is why I’m including them together. Ryan is my roommate. Yeah, imagine the emotions that went through my head when a hot guy direct messages me on Instagram to ask me whether I have a roommate for college yet or not. After getting to know him these past several months, I can say with conviction that I now prefer him as a friend. He’s a great guy, and I’m actually rooming with him next year. But I’m comfortable with him in the current position that he has in my life: a close friend who I can rely on (for the most part 😂). He’s hot (can grow a beard, muscular, smells good, and, although I’ve lied to him that I hate it, he generates a lot of body heat, so literally hot), but he’s simply just a great guy too, who’s actually in touch with his emotions (unlike most guys I’m friends with, who tend to be stoic unless they’re really comfortable around me). Plus...he’s over 6’2 I believe, which kind of scares me. Especially at night, where I may be in my bed already and the room’s dark, but he walks in and no matter how many times I tell myself monsters don’t exist, a tall, pale figure with long arms will always look like slenderman to me.

Now, we come to Carter and Noah. I know neither of these men at all, and I mean at all. They are simply physically attractive to me. Carter was the ripped ginger who often walked down my resident hall without a shirt on. He was stunning and I can’t deny that. It didn’t help that early on, I learned he was gay. Also, he was the community manager to my resident hall’s community and was likely nice as a result of this. Or maybe he just happens to be a nice guy and hot, I don’t know some people truly are just unbelievable like that. Noah, on the other hand, I have never seen shirtless. He’s just got an attractive face that gives me military vibes. That’s...something I’m attracted to hA I just choked while writing this...

In essence, I have been attracted to 4 straight guys and 1 gay guy in my life...what a story...

END day 254

No editing, just posting :/

[livelikebrent]

Stop 6: Buffalo, NY

Today would’ve been our 3 year anniversary. I typically don’t crank out a blog post in only one day right after the trip and would want to take more time to write...especially since I have so much to write about for this post. But I felt that I needed to do something today for Brent. I look at the number 3 and think, “Jeez it’s been that long?” but I also look at it and think, “That all happened in a blink of an eye.” On my last trip up in Syracuse when Amanda (a different one than the Amanda I went to Buffalo with) and I had been on a walk, she told me that she was sad that I had such little time with Brent. It’s true but at the same time when I look back at our relationship I like to think that maybe it was me that he needed and not necessarily the other way around. There was a reason I met him at the time that I did and it was me that was with him through all of the wonderful ups and excruciating downs. As odd as it sounds, I’m glad it was me that could be there for him. Our relationship wasn’t normal by any means. But the first half of it was and I wouldn’t trade any part of it for anything.

I went back to New York again for another stop. But I will say each of these trips to the Empire State are drastically different from one to the next. Amanda picked me up from my apartment at 6:15am on Saturday morning. We made the trip up to Wilkes-Barre to scoop up her boyfriend who was Brent’s old roommate, Greg. Then we drove to New Columbia, PA to meet Amanda’s parents, Mike and Barbara, at a Holiday Inn to jump into their truck and finish the drive to Buffalo, New York.

The drive was long. Like 5+ hours long. But it was scenic and completely worth it. I got to know Amanda’s parents who are hysterical and remind me of my sister-in-law’s parents quite a bit. They are super nice, conversational and have many stories to tell. I’m not sure if this is a Sweet family hidden talent or what...but I’ve learned that Amanda and her parents do this trick where they balance a piece of food on their left hand and pop it up into their mouth by hitting said hand with their right one. Amanda first did this in my apartment with a goldfish and I thought it was the best thing ever until Mike did without a problem during a our trip up.

That laughter in that video! I feel like that’s all I heard this weekend and it was absolute music to my ears. Buffalo had been added to my list of places to visit for Brent because of the Bills Mafia. (If you click on any links in this blog post click this one on the Bills Mafia and watch a short documentary on the fans.) Amanda was literally one of the only Buffalo Bills fans I knew (aside from Danny which I only found out a few months ago!) and Brent and I knew she attended games often. Over the last year or so, the Bills Mafia, received a little more street credit and attention. They are apparently some of the wildest fans in the NFL and Brent and I really wanted to experience a tailgate with the Mafia. We wanted to go not necessarily to part-take in the mess they create but honestly just to witness the pure and utter mayhem of the tailgate. When Brent was undergoing treatment at Memorial Sloan Kettering Amanda and Greg would come and visit us on weekends up in New York at the Hope Lodge.They also came to see him when he was in North Jersey just outside of the city. Many football games were watched with friends over those weekends. College game day on Saturdays and then Sunday football the next. Amanda at one point promised Brent that as soon as he was better, she would get him to a Bills game with her family so he could participate in a true Buffalo tailgate. A couple of months ago Amanda asked if I still wanted to go to a game for Brent. The answer was obviously yes and I’m so glad we were able to make it work. Brent would’ve LOVED the entire weekend.

Amanda and her parents are die hard Buffalo Bills fans. Mr. and Mrs. Sweet are high school sweethearts that grew up outside of Buffalo in a town called Dansville and they’ve been attending Bills’ tailgates for over 40 years together. Honestly, I’ve learned that being a Bills fan is serious business and there are traditions and routines that take place for game weekends. Such as wings and beers. We arrived in Western New York around 2pm and went straight to Duff’s for said wings and beers. Typically, the Sweets head to Anchor Bar for this but wanted to switch it up this time around. So we stopped at the original Duff’s location in Amherst, New York. If you are unfamiliar with these two spots like I was, the Anchor Bar and Duff’s is to Buffalo as Pat’s and Geno’s cheesesteaks is to Philadelphia...even though Dalessandro’s is where the best cheesesteak is at.

These “before” and “after” photos do NOT do any justice to the damage we did. Out of the 50 wings, the 5 of us consumed almost 40 of a them, a large order of fries and more than 2 pitchers of Labatt Blue Light. Oh and some veggies and dip. It was all so good. Also, I feel as though people don’t refer to them as “buffalo wings” anymore and just “wings.” I will admit it wasn’t until I got home Sunday evening that I put two and two together. I mean, do you honestly say “buffalo sauce” or “buffalo wings”? Or do you say “hot sauce” or just “Frank’s.” But anyway, Amanda sent me a brief history on buffalo wings which you can read here.

After we had our fill, we went to check-in at Hotel at the Lafayette. Which is an old hotel in the city of Buffalo that is apparently haunted and has it’s own brewery. We got settled, freshened up and had a couple of beers before roaming about the city for the night. Traditionally, the Sweets would drive to Niagara Falls the day before the game, stay the night, wake-up and drive to Buffalo to tailgate. But recently, they’ve started exploring Buffalo and staying more local. I also think it’s safe to say after the weekend we had, they will probably continue to stay in Buffalo.

We walked out and it was a chilly 30something degrees. It is definitely winter already in Buffalo which wasn’t a surprise as I had been watching their weather the entire week leading up to the trip. It was very dark out and one of the first bars we saw was called, “The Cowboy.” As we started walking closer we couldn’t tell if it was going to be a bar, strip club, or an actual whole in the wall. We peered into the windows and it was dark and empty but I insisted that we went in. There wasn’t ONE patron in sight. The bartender, Kaleigh, in her glitter eye shadow and pajama pants who was 20 was the only one there. It was a dark bar, with cowboy hats as lamp shades on the bulbs above the bar rail, a couple of naked cowgirls painted on the walls (who I will leave out of this for the time being) and barrels around poles which served as high tops near the dance floor. We ordered some beers, fireball, hung out, played with hoola hoops and enjoyed having the place to ourselves for the time being.

After we finished our drinks we continued down Chippewa Street which seemed to have the most activity and night life on it. Mike asked me about my name so I explained where it came from and then he asked if I had any siblings and what their names were. I laugh when people ask me that because I know exactly what they’re expecting. If my name is a uncommon Gaelic name, ‘Aisling’ and pronounced as ‘Ashleen’, my sibling must have some off the wall name as well. So I looked at Mike and said, “Yes! I have a brother. His name is Christopher.” He laughed and asked me my middle and last name. He immediately loved my middle name, Coyne, which was my maternal grandmother’s maiden name. Mike didn’t call me anything but Coyne for the rest of the trip.

We were crossing the street when out of the corner of my eye I saw D’Arcey McGee’s ... immediately Amanda’s Dad wanted to go in. It was a cool Irish bar that resembled a Tir Na Nog or Kildare’s but just not a chain. There was a lot of dark wood work going on, wooden booths, arches and shelving throughout along with typical “vintage” Guinness ads and artwork. But as soon as we walked in there, AGAIN there wasn’t ONE patron in sight. Just Brianne, the bartender. We couldn’t get over it. WHERE WAS EVERYONE?! Then we soon realized it was only 5:30pm on a Saturday night. We ordered our beers and Amanda decided to test the bar tender by requesting an espresso martini. We all somewhat scoffed at Amanda and her order and Brianne definitely took her time with it. That made Amanda even more skeptical of the bartender. But after a while and a couple of eye rolls from Amanda, she finally got her drink and it turned out to be a really good martini. We hopped off our bar stools and checked out the rest of the space...which was huge. There was a pool table and dart board around the corner. So we posted up an played a couple games of pool.

Mike started saying, “Coyne this! Coyne that!” This is where all of a sudden Greg got this look of excitment in his eyes and got on this tangent to Amanda that if they ever have a son he’s being named Coyne Quinn. He said, “WHAT A RING THAT HAS TO IT. COYNE QUINN, AMANDA!” He then continued, “Just imagine. Coyne Quinn as a quarterback for Penn State football. He would be on highlights on ESPN and with every amazing complete pass they would play the Mario Brother’s sound effect of when they punch a box and a coin would come out. THERE’S COYNE QUINN GOING DEEP. DING. AND THE THROW. DING. IT’S GOING LONG. DING. COMPLETION. DING. ANOTHER ONE. DING. A TOUCHDOWN. DING. DING. DING.” Amanda rolled her eyes and told Greg their children would be playing tennis. “No contact sports, Greg. I don’t wanT our children getting concussed. Tennis. Golf. Volleyball. No contact sports!” After Greg returned an eye roll back at her, Amanda and I joined in on a game of pool and Mike showed off his skills. 

I'm honestly not very good at pool but would like to be. Side note: If anyone could teach me, I would greatly appreciate it! Mike's only tip and instruction he gave to me the entire game was to “Level your stick and close your mouth.” We played a few games and then decided to find another bar and perhaps something to eat.  As we walked down the street again we came across a place called Taphouse Pub & Grill. It was a standard bar but had a decent draft list and at least had patrons in it. I tried a local beer from a brewery called Rusty Chain and it was some sort of red ale, I believe. It was a smaller bar with a couple of tables but plenty of stools at the bar. They had several televisions for the games that were on along with Impracticable Jokers which I learned Mike hates. We hung out and chatted. The bar had a small popcorn machine in the corner by the front entrance. The first time I had ever saw that was in Delaware. I had no idea that popcorn machines were a thing at bars. But apparently it is in Buffalo as well. We got some popcorn and we did the obvious...the Sweet Family Trick. Barbara popped a couple into her mouth. I watched the Sweets do it over and over again.  It did take me two or three tries, but was so excited to have done it.

After our drinks we decided that we wanted more ambiance or a livelier atmosphere. We then found a place right across the street called Local Kitchen & Beer Bar. The place was buzzing and had the most life in it than any other establishment we had been in at that point. I ordered a local cider, Greg ordered a Genesee and also got some apps for everyone to share. We talked about Brent. Correction, we talked about Brent a lot. Greg was there the night Brent was placed on the ventilator and I feel so terrible about it. Brent and I bought concert tickets for my old roommate’s birthday. Brent had wanted me to go to the concert that Friday night. I asked Greg if he would be able to visit with Brent that night and that I would be at the hospital bright and early the following morning. I just didn’t want him to be alone even if he slept the whole time. It would just be nice if he rolled over and realized he wasn’t alone. I received a call at 9:30pm from Greg that night that something was happening and the doctors wanted to put Brent on a ventilator. Every time I see Greg I feel the need to apologize that he had to be there for that and see Brent go through what he did. Greg always tells me he was so glad he could be there for Brent whether or not he knew he was in the room with him. I’ve relived those last 10 hours of Brent’s life that I spent with him and his family probably 100 times over and it was absolutely, heartbreakingly tragic. I wouldn’t want anyone to ever have to witness anything remotely close to what we saw, felt, talked about and experienced that night into the morning. Greg and Brent went to the same high school in Wilkes-Barre but actually didn’t know one another then. They met at West Virginia University when one Greg was visiting one of Brent’s college roommates, Brett! They didn’t really start hanging out until Greg moved to Philadelphia and Brent got out of the hospital for his first go around with cancer.

 A couple of years ago when I had just started dating Brent, Greg moved in with him in Brent’s apartment in East Falls. It turns out Greg had started dating Amanda shortly before Brent and myself. After a year or so of dating, Greg and Amanda moved into a place together which ended up being across the street from my current apartment! Brent and I love Greg and Amanda and we always stood them up. It was awful. Something would always come up or it would be something with Brent’s health when we had dinner plans scheduled. We always felt so guilty. The first time I ever met Amanda was at my first Carve 4 Cancer. I vividly remember standing by the raffle table and I felt somebody holding me by my arm saying, “Wait, are you Aisling?” I hardly knew anyone there at that point and just met a couple dozen of Brent’s friends from home. By the way, that happened ALL of the time. Brent would introduce me to friends and it was never a one off. I always felt like I met 15 to 50 friends at one time. So if I ever forget your name, please accept this apology. As I looked at this girl, I nervously shook my head up and down and she introduced herself as Greg’s girlfriend, Amanda. We’ve been in touch and became friends with Amanda ever since. I refer to her as Lasagna Amanda a lot but mainly to my family. When Brent had passed she showed up to my apartment with a handwritten letter, a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a homemade lasagna. Greg made fun of her and forewarned me about her cooking via group text. But she did a wonderful job. I’m grateful for these two and the support they’ve given Brent and myself over the last year and a half and their friendship for the last three years. After Greg and I wrapped up our pow-wow and dried some tears we asked the “Catch me outside” doppleganger twins to our left to take our photo.

We were just about ready to make our way back to the hotel as we had another early and action packed day ahead of us. But on the walk back I suggested that we stop by The Cowboy to see it in all it’s glory for a nightcap. Welp, said nightcap turned into an extended stay...simply just to dance.

We walked back in and thankfully there was a crowd but maybe only two people on the dance floor. You would’ve thought that bar had been waiting for us to come back to bring the life of the party, Barbara. We tore up the dance floor, the young boys were all over Amanda’s mom, we became best friends with the DJ with our song requests, more people left their bar stools to join the dance floor, and a bartender (not Kaleigh and her sparkly eye shadow) came out and got a line dance going. The next day the line dancing was all Amanda could talk about and how much she loved it along with the stomping and clapping. NOTE TO GREG: BUY YOUR GIRLFRIEND SOME FLOWERS AND TAKE HER LINE DANCING. We all let our hair down, even Mike! We created a little bit of a scene and let’s just say the dance floor was sad to see us go at the end of the night.

We grabbed a slice on the way back to the hotel and called it a night. Well, kind of. Fast forward a couple of hours later. I found myself standing outside of the hotel room I was staying in with Amanda and Greg in the middle of the night. Then I remember being downstairs trying to communicate with the front desk. Then I found myself back on the third floor knocking on our door when I came to and fully woke up. In my pajamas. In the hallway. Without any shoes on. And for some reason I wasn’t all that embarrassed. I went back downstairs and had a fully conscious conversation and apologized to the front desk but also laughing at the fact that I had just been sleepwalking/talking to them. They chuckled and the manager asked me if I was okay at this point (because I was babbling less than five minutes ago) and called my room, 320. But of course. Nobody picked up the phone. I continued to apologize as I stood there in a pair of Brent’s Nike sweatpants and a highlighter yellow Milwaukee Carve 4 Cancer t-shirt. I then tell them that Mike Sweet booked the rooms and is staying at the hotel with his wife, Barbara, but didn’t know his room number offhand. After the manager gave me a questioning look and found their room number, he called up. He told them, “There is a girl down here that wants to come up to your room.” I told the manager to say my name since his phone call made me sound so shady and I was afraid Barbara would tell him she wasn’t expecting anyone. The manager told me I could go up and told me their room number. Barbara was in the hallway on the phone with Amanda. “Is Aisling in your room, Amanda?” “Of course she is mom! She’s out here on the...Oh no.” As I ran down the hallway, I apologized and explained what had happened and was sorry for scaring anyone. Then I found my way back into my room with Amanda laughing hysterically at me at 2:30 in the morning.

Fast forward 4.5 hours later. The three of us got showered, geared up and met up with Amanda’s parents for a quick breakfast before making our way to the tailgate. I explained again what had happened only a couple of hours earlier to Mike. The weird part about it was they were JUST telling me stories about Amanda’s dad sleepwalking the day before. I haven’t done that in years. But we then packed up the car and headed to the grocery store for ingredients for “beef on weck” and then went to the tailgate. Beef on weck is a Western New York sandwich found primarily in Western New York State. It is made with roast beef on a kimmelweck roll (a roll with salt and caraway seeds on top). The meat on the sandwich is traditionally served rare, thin cut, with the top bun getting a dip au jus and spread with horseradish. AND IT’S DELISH. We got to the tailgate for 9:30am. But let me tell you...they don’t go to a parking lot outside of New Era Field or anything like that. They park in somebody’s backyard. YUP. There is a line of houses across the street from the stadium that has tailgating and parking there for the Buffalo Bills’ entire season and it’s wild.

Pictured above is the house where the Sweets always tailgate.  Once you get to the garage there at the end of the driveway you veer to the right and there is a giant Bills mural on the side of the wall and a yard where cars just line up and hang out. Also, the answer to the question you’re thinking is no...they don’t personally know the owner of the house. Ha.

If I could have I would have slapped a #LiveLikeBrent sticker on this wall. We grabbed a drink and then went for a walk through a tailgate lot across the street. The weather was perfect for a mid-November football game. It definitely felt like a November day with grey skies and the crisp air. But it wasn’t that chilly...especially for being in Buffalo. A couple of the Sweets’ family friends have a truck that they have tricked out and serve drinks out of. So we went over and I was in awe of this what looked like a Tastykake truck turned Bills mancave bar. We hopped on up and into the back of the truck and there were shots lined up on the bar, a bar tender, and fixings for bloody Marys. Barbara, Greg and I ordered a couple of bloodies. Brent and I always ordered bloody Marys any chance we got. We’ve had quite the array in the last few years to say the least ranging from bloodies topped with a stout, bloodies with crab meat, shrimp, you name it, we’ve probably had it. The one topped with a stout was from the Field House in Philadelphia which was surprisingly our favorite bloody we’d ever had but...never would I ever thought I would say this but the one I had this weekend was hands down the new best bloody Mary I’ve ever had. It blew Field House’s out of the water. I wish I asked what the spices were in the mix because I couldn’t figure it out. All Greg and I kept saying was, “THIS IS SO GOOD. THIS IS THE BEST BLOODY MARY EVER. OH MY GOD.” In addition to the drink, there was a ball of fresh mozzarella, olive, pearled onion, chunk of pepperoni, celery stick and then a slice of bacon all to garnish and they were all rolled in something like parmesan. But in all seriousness it was exactly what we needed that morning. A Bud Light just wasn’t sounding all that appetizing at that hour. But who knew that I’d find my favorite bloody Mary at a Buffalo Bills tailgate?

We left the mancave tailgate and made our way to the tailgate lots at the stadium. Apparently there is this guy named “Pinto Ron” and if you watched the Bills Mafia video I told you to watch earlier in this post you would know who he is by now! But he is a Buffalo Bills fan that is known for attending every single Bills game (home AND away) and for hosting tailgate parties since 1994. Now that’s quite the commitment. I can’t get some people to commit to something 2 or 3 weeks out mind you this guys commits to entire NFL seasons. We didn’t find Pinto Ron but did find a lot of other...things. I initially imagined a Buffalo Bills tailgate as an extremely bad Wal-Mart crowd. Like really bad. But we didn’t run into anything too extreme or savage. It was still only 10:30 in the morning mind you.

After circling a couple of lots and swimming through a sea of Bills fans, we made our way back to our backyard tailgate. Mike was cooking the meat for beef on weck. It was really, really good. Honestly...it’s all in the bun and because Mike was wearing his sick Bills sweatshirt that he referred to as his P. Diddy hoodie.

After we ate we started to pack up camp. It was almost 12noon and kickoff was for 1pm against the Saints. As we got ready and started making our way back over, Greg and I were determined to witness some Bills Mafia mayhem. At this point they’ve had a couple hours of day drinking in them and must have been getting into a mess at that point. We’ve watched videos of guys throwing guys off of trucks on top of tables, throwing their girlfriends to smash tables and just being straight up wild. I kept telling Greg I was going to throw him through a table.

It turns out we were a minute too late. We saw probably close to a dozen broken tables, articles of clothing, and a sea of LaBatt beer cars everywhere all over the lot. Oh and these kids bonging beers out of a mannequin and yes, the guy holding back puke is wearing an OJ Simpson Bills jersey. To be quite frank, if Brent had been there he probably would’ve asked to chug a beer out of that mannequin.

By the way, Greg was totally in his element at this point. Periodically, I would look up at him and he would be grinning from ear to ear. I mean, the whole thing was ridiculous how wild everyone there was as a part of the Bills Mafia. As we were walking, I was waiting to hear Greg say, “We need to stay here.” Or “Let’s keep going up and down the rows a few more minutes.” He looked like a 5 year old on Christmas morning. But it was almost 1pm so we made our way over to the stadium.

The Sweets have really awesome (or should I say...”sweet”) season tickets on the club level. What’s neat about New Era Field is that when you enter, you’re on the ground level but the field is below you. So they not only built up but down into the ground. Why? Lake Erie. Lake Erie is RIGHT there and Lake Ontario isn’t all that far either so you can get these incredible winds ripping through right off of the water and it would be too much to be sitting that high and getting blasted. I thought that was pretty interesting though.

The Bills were up for a little by 3 points. But let’s just say that was pretty short lived. But it was still fun to be there. I had been to a NFL game when I was pretty young and barely remember it so I considered this my first time at one. I thoroughly enjoyed it even if the Bills didn’t win. We left during the third quarter since we had over 6 hours of driving ahead of us and there was no chance the Bills were going to bounce back. With that being said, yes we did miss the streaker. While the Bills didn’t seem that alive on the field, the Bills Mafia sure as hell was. 

We hopped in the truck and made our way southbound. Considering we had such nice seats and were on club level, I didn’t find the right spot to place a #LiveLikeBrent sticker in Buffalo. But I bought a t-shirt for one of Brent’s best friends in Philadelphia and only other Bills fan I know, Dan. As we were standing in the tailgate lot earlier in the day, a guy was walking around selling t-shirts and I felt if Brent were there he would’ve bought it since it had the steal your face logo on it. So I asked Greg and Amanda to take a photo with the sticker. I trust that one time Amanda will come across the perfect spot for one.

Thank you to The Sweets and Greg for your hospitality and for such a fun weekend. I haven’t laughed that much in 24 hours in a very long time. I loved my first time in Buffalo and Brent would’ve as well. You are some of the best people and I’m thankful to have you in my life here in Philadelphia.

Photo/Video Credit: Greg Quinn, Amanda Sweet, Bills Mafia, & Catch Me Outside Girl

[captainhookcaptainfreedom]

The Intervention Team - CS AU Week 2K17 - Day 2: Crossover AU - OUAT/Glee

Ok. I’m posting this a day late mainly because I don’t like it. I decided to hell with it though! I think I want to do a serious rewrite of this at some point though.

This isn’t even really a “crossover au” per-se. But I’ve know decided that I really want to write OUAT and Glee crossover fics. FTR: It has been a while since I watched the season of Glee with them in NY with Adam Lambert and all that so my continuity with canon is not good. But there’s other things I’m just ignoring anyway. So that’s that.

 “What did you forget now Elliott?” Kurt slid the door to his apartment open, expecting his friend and bandmate to be the one knocking.

Well, the blond girl standing in front of him most definitely was not Elliott Gilbert.

She stood on the other side of his door, a huge smile across her face. She didn’t look like Kurt remembered, but it was definitely her. “Emma!” he shouted happily as he pulled her into a hug. “What are you doing here?”

She smiled at him even brighter. “I got into NYU! I’m transferring in for the second semester. I just arrived in New York today and there wasn’t a single thing better I could think to do then go visit Kurt Hummel.”

Kurt shook his head slowly. He was still amazed that she was even here! “Emma Swan, I am so happy you are getting out of Lima,”

She laughed as she made her way inside. “Trust me, no one could possibly be happier than I am.” She did a small little twirl. “This is a pretty nice place.”

“The place is nice, but I could definitely use some better roommates,” Kurt said with an eyeroll.

“Oh,” Emma made a wincing face. “That’s right, isn't it? You have the pleasure of living with the amazing Miss Rachel Berry and the most satanic of all devils, Santana Lopez.”

“God, I’ve missed you Emma Swan.”

“Oh me too!” She hugged him again. “Now tell me what’s new in the world of Kurt Hummel!”

They plopped down on the couch, Emma stripping off her red leather jacket as they did. “Well,” he began, “you know that NYADA was a bust.”

“Don’t be silly Kurt. NYADA’s the one missing out. There’s no way you’re not getting in if you apply again. No. Way.”

Kurt hummed noncommittally. “You’re one to talk. You were absolutely convinced that I was guaranteed to get into NYADA the first time around and just as convinced that no college would ever accept you.  Now look where we are.” He raised an eyebrow.

“Alright. I’ll admit that I was wrong. I know you though. I know that you wouldn’t have let a rejection from NYADA keep you from taking NYC by storm. Tell me what you’ve been doing!”

“Well, I have a job at a diner. It’s real cute. You’ll have to come by sometime. I’ve also got an internship at Vogue.”

“You do not!” Emma whacked his arm.

“I do.” He shrugged and held back a smile. “I also started a band.”

“You have been one busy bee Kurt Hummel. I wish I could say the same about me.”

“Oh come on Emma. I know Lima’s not the most exciting place in the world, but you're special. Something must have happened, especially if you decided to head on here to New York.”

Emma hesitated. She’d always been a very private person.  But this was Kurt. He’d always been there for her. He was the one who’d convinced her to join Glee. He was the one who found out she was pregnant. He was the one who had stood by her through everything. He would be happy for her. “I-” she took a breath. “I broke up with Neal. For real this time. And forever.”

Kurt reached out and took her hand. “Are you okay?”

She nodded quickly. “Yeah, of course.”

“I thought Neal had left Lima.”

“He did. He came back though.” She shrugged. “He’s working for his dad now. It seems like he’s going to be staying in Lima for a while. I’m not though.”

“I’m glad.” Kurt gave her a small smile. “I’m so happy you're here.”

“Me too,” she sighed happily.

There was a knock at the door. Kurt rolled his eyes but got up to open it. “I swear, Santana if you forget your keys one more time-” It wasn’t Santana behind the door. “Oh! Elliott,”

“Hey Kurt,” the other man greeted cheerfully. “I’m not Santana,” he laughed, a small smirk pulling at his lips. Kurt just raised an eyebrow. “I’m sorry but I think I left my phone here. At least I’m hoping I did. I got back to my place and couldn’t find it anywhere.”

“Come on in. Look around.”

“Thanks, Kurt. Oh!” Elliott had spotted Emma. He looked between Emma and Kurt. “Sorry. Am I interrupting something?” he joked.

“This is Emma Swan. She’s a friend from high school. She’s moving to New York. And Emma, this is Elliott Gilbert. He’s one of my bandmates.”

“Kurt has mentioned you so many times. It’s nice to have a face to go with the name.” Elliott walked over to Emma and offered his hand. “And welcome to New York!”

“Thanks.” She hesitated for a moment but did shake Elliott’s hand. She and Kurt hadn’t talked much since he left for New York, but she was certain that there had never been any mention of an Elliott Gilbert. He certainly wasn’t the type that she would have expected Kurt to hang out with. Although he was cute and Emma would bet anything that he was gay. “So, how did you and Kurt meet? Do you go to NYADA or work at the diner?”

Elliott laughed. “A huge no to both of those. Kurt and I meeting was purely because of the band. It was all chance really. I’m a student at NYU and I honestly never even thought about going to that diner until I knew Kurt worked there.”

“You go to NYU?”

“Yeah,” Kurt interjected. “Emma’s starting at NYU. There you go Em, you’re already making friends.”

Emma eyed Elliott a bit warily, but he just smiled at her. “I would love to talk to you both, but I seriously do need to find my phone and run. I need to see a guy about a gig.” He turned to Kurt. “I’ve got this friend, he’s my tattoo artist actually, and he works at this bar that hires local bands to play live music. I think this might be a chance for us.”

“I’m going to trust your judgement on this one.”

Elliott wore an exaggerated look of surprise on his face.”Kurt Hummel is letting someone else make a decision? Did I step into an alternate dimension somewhere?”

Kurt whacked him playfully. “Get your phone and go. I want some time with my friend.”

After Elliott had raised his phone in the air accompanied by a triumphant shout, he had quickly hugged Kurt, waved goodbye to Emma, and left with a promise to call Kurt as soon as he had news on the gig.

“So,” Emma started after Elliott left, “what’s going on there?”

“Where?” Kurt looked at her, bewildered. Emma nodded toward the door where Elliott had left. “Elliott? You think there’s something going on between Elliott and I?”

Emma’s eyes answered well, duh!

“Elliott and I are just friends. We’re good friends.”

“Hmm. Is he gay?”

“Yes.” Kurt answered begrudgingly.

“And single?”

Kurt sighed but nodded his head, resigned.

“You know me Kurt. I believe that all romance ends in heartbreak. Guys simply aren’t worth it. I also know you, though. I know you believe in all that romantic drivel. I also know that the confident Kurt Hummel I knew back in senior year wouldn’t be letting that slip through his fingers.”

“There’s a lot of gay guys in New York, Emma. Elliott is a friend.”

“Alright, alright. But, you do remember my superpower don’t you?”

Pamela Lansbury officially had a gig two weeks later. Kurt insisted that Emma come along. She wanted to. First of all, seeing Kurt perform again would be worth a trip to New York even if she weren’t transferring. And maybe there was a small part of her that wanted to support Rachel and Santana. Also, Elliot had made a decent first impression, but if he was a potential boyfriend for her best friend, then she was going to need to find out a bit more about “Starchild”.

That’s how Emma Swan had found herself sitting in a bar (despite being under 21 and having no desire to drink) on a Tuesday night.

Somehow, she’d also ended up sitting right next to a friend of Elliott Gilbert. She just hadn’t known it at first.

“They’re actually pretty good,” he remarked beside her after they had played their first couple songs.

“Of course they’re good,” she’d said.

He looked over at her. “Is that so, love?”

His endearment definitely rubbed her the wrong way. “Why shouldn’t they be good?” She turned to face him. “Just because they’re students doesn’t mean they can’t be good. More than half of the music you hear on the radio nowadays is by artists who made it big before they were even 21.”

“Woah, woah, lassie. I never said I expected them to be bad. Quite on the contrary, I was hoping they’d be this good. It’s just my first time seeing them is all.” He gave her a weird look. “What are you? Some groupie?”

“No!” she said, insulted. “I just have friends in the band.”

“Really?” he quirked an eyebrow. “So do I.”

She looked him over. He was obviously handsome. He definitely had a certain style though. He wore dark eyeliner and a good amount of leather. His ears were pierced and most of the skin Emma could see was covered in tattoos. So, was he Dani’s friend? Or Elliott’s? “Who?” she asked simply.

“The tall dark haired one,” he pointed to Elliott. “Elliott Gilbert. I’ve known him for years now. Half of his tattoos are my art. You know him?”

Emma wasn’t sure what to say. “We’ve only met briefly. I really haven’t talked to him. I was hoping to get to know him better tonight.”

“So who are you here for?”

“Kurt Hummel. I guess I’m also here for Rachel and Santana, but it’s really just for Kurt.”

Killian nodded his head. “So that’s why you want to know more about Elliott.”

Emma was surprised but tried to school her features back to neutral. “What do you mean?”

Killian laughed. “You want to know if Elliott is good enough for you friend. Don’t worry. I won’t tell either of them. After all, part of the reason I wanted them to have a gig here is so I could observe your friend Kurt. Elliott’s been bringing him up quite a bit lately.”

Emma eyed him again. “So are you getting the same vibes from the two of them that I am?”

“Are you getting the “just friends” line?”

Emma and Killian shared a look.

“Maybe they really are just friends. The, shall we call it chemistry, on stage is a bit difficult to ignore though.”

Emma snorted. “They can deny it all they want, but eventually they’re going to have to face the truth. Even if it means we have to stage some type of intervention.”

“Killian Jones,” he stuck out his hand. “Your devilishly handsome Kelliott teammate.”

“You have got to be kidding me.”

“Of course not love. I am most definitely devilishly handsome.”

So yeah. That was barely any CS. Emma is also super OOC. This needs a rewrite so badly!!!! (maybe next week?)

I also have a graphic for this universe that I will hopefully get up tomorrow.

[biggy-habes]

Jonny Haber’s Day Off (Part II)

I woke up the next day feeling refreshed. At peace. The exact opposite of the previous morning. I had the entire day ahead of me. In the back of my mind the dread of returning to work the next day lingered. I felt like I had to make the most of today. So I grabbed some hiking gear and loaded Fennie up in the backseat. We were heading to Letchworth Park. For those not familiar with this area, Letchworth is a state park about an hour away. It is respectfully known as the Grand Canyon of the East. The Genesee River cuts through it, creating beautiful cascading waterfalls. The weather was sunny and mild and perfect for a long hike. Still lethargic from yesterday's walk through the trails, Fennie slept practically the entire drive. But once we arrived at the entrance to the park, he perked up. As we drove through the winding turns, he kept his nose out the window. He could not wait to explore these new smells! I decided to start at the Lower Falls and work our way up. The trail leading to the river was a decent 3/4 mile hike. When we got to the water, Fennie started to pull hard. Now he has never been much of a fan of water. You would think that taking a bath was worse than when his nuts got snipped. He created a scene at the pet store that I take him for his baths. It was like he wanted the store employees to think that I waterboard him. For the record, I DO NOT WATERBOARD FENNIE! He just hates water! He makes the most pathetic look when he has to go as far as to go pee in the rain. But for some reason he REALLY wanted to check out this friggin water! The flowing river created waves on the shore that he felt were a threat and he needed to bite the SHIT out of them! He would never get in above his knees. Dogs DO have knees, don't they? Well, anyways, that is where the water was. But he would dip his face in the water in order to bite the crest of the waves. And I sat there watching him, and thought to myself "You malingering ASSHOLE!"

As we started venturing back, I started to remember how a group of us rugby players would head to an area like this in Stony Brook for the day to cook some meat and drink cheap beers. And it dawned on me that I was not too far from where I went to college. I haven't stepped foot in that area since I was still in the service. Fennie was starting to slow down and was panting pretty hard, so I felt that perhaps we could save the rest of the trails for another time. Instead, let's take a trip down memory lane. I always remember the drive to Alfred being peaceful and serene. College was a very confusing time for me and I would use the drive to contemplate my wants out of life. Driving through the farmland brought back the familiar country smell. Soon I could see the white steeple signifying that I was entering Alfred Station. I passed the banquet hall where the rugby team had their social. Past the packie that would sell me gallons of Skol vodka despite my shitty fake ID. Past the hill that I had to climb to get to my dorm at Alfred U. I came up to the old Delta Sig house,  which has since been taken over and painted pink. I banged a right and entered the campus that contained 2 of the greatest years of my life. Alfred State. Home of the muthafuckin PIONEERS! 

As I drove around the loop of the campus, the memories came in waves. The 77 steps leading to Peet Hall...a treacherous hike for any drunken resident. The gymnasium where I had decided to "toss the gloves" during an intramural hockey game and, not aware at the time that my target was on the wrestling team, I proceeded to get suplexed onto the floor. At the top of the hill stood the Mackenzie dorms. This is was my turf from 1997-1999. This is where I went through 4 roommates. This is where I met my good friend Ed (oh there will be more on Eddie in later stories. He is a character!) And this was where my friendship with Johnny ("Tits") and Matt ("Squirrel") began. After reminiscing for a bit I walked over to the track, location of the annual Naked Mile. I ran this twice. First time was as a rookie on the rugby team. All rookies were expected to run it. The 2nd time…well, that was just for shits and giggles. Young Haber LOVED to get drunk and run around naked! After walking around for a little bit I left Alfred State and decided that it was time to pay a visit to the old rugby field. Now you will notice that I mention rugby a lot in this story. Well, this is because rugby played a significant role in my college life. I have never been known for my athleticism. My grandfather was a 3 sport athlete at Boston College and went on to play a year as a center in the NFL. I inherited his size and his passion, but the athletic gene unfortunately did not get passed down to me. In High School I played football, taking the position that brought my grandfather fame. Although I was a Varsity starter both my Junior and Senior years, I will never be known as a stand-out player and the name "Haber" will never be uttered in the halls of Greece Arcadia. When I went to college, I had tossed around the idea of trying to make a spot on the football practice squad. But it never blossomed into more than that. One night, while waiting in line for a beer at the TG house, a large group of loud, brash guys in purple jackets walked straight in and went up the stairs to the 2nd floor with arms filled with beer. I did not know who they were, but they seemed like the kind of guys that I wanted to be part of. As they walked past me, I read the back of their bright purple jackets and in bold white lettering it read "ALFRED RUGBY". I followed them upstairs, where they gathered around a keg and proceeded to drink like there was no tomorrow. One of them, just a bit larger than myself and wearing a backwards purple hat, had been challenged to a chugging contest. When he heard the word "Go", he pinched his cup and in one complete gulp he finished his beer. I had never seen anything like that! So after he collected his High 5s from the other ruggers I went up to talk to him. I cannot tell you exactly what was said, but I remember telling him that I wanted to see what this whole "rugby" thing was all about. He told me to show up to practice on Monday. On the front of his beer-covered jacket in white stitching was the name "BooBoo". I give this guy credit for introducing me to one of the greatest experiences of my life. Now, just like with football, I was not a GREAT rugby player. I was big enough to play on the front row, but again, I would never describe myself as "athletic". Despite the fact that my conditioning was shit and my balance was on the same level as a 4 year old, my heart and my grit got me a position as a starter as a rookie. Now, let me tell you, being a rookie on the rugby team was tough! You come to rely on the bonds that you create with your fellow rookies. This is where I really became close friends with Tits and Squirrel.

 I started driving towards the outskirts of Alfred towards Jericho Hill, where the rugby field was. I drove past the practice field, where I was able to imagine all of us scrimmaging. Punk would be running into a crowd of bodies, turning to scream "GET THE FUCK UP HERE AND RUCK IT OVER, YOU FUCKERS!!!". Mild-mannered BooBoo would become possessed and would run through anyone brave enough to stand in his way. And Squirrel would be way out at the opposite end of the field, dropping any kick that would come his way. Jesus CHRIST he had some hands of stone! I turned down the gravel road leading up to the game field, and eventually I was able to see the purple covering of the goal posts. I let Fennie out of the car and as we started to walk around the field, I recalled me getting my ears taped on the sidelines. Me stepping foot on the pitch for my first rugby game. All of the hits. All of the scrums. All of the sweat and blood that soaked into the soil. The sound that is made when large bodies violently collide. The smell of mud, body odor, and processed alcohol seeping from pores filling the air. And then, a feeling of sadness and grief overcame me as I started to think about my friend Squirrel. It was time to pay him a visit. I have gone to see him since the funeral. I wiped the tears from my eyes and headed back to the car. It was coming up on 4:30. Plenty of time to go see my old friend.

 Mattie lived his entire life in the small town of Owego, NY. All his life he had wanted to follow in the footsteps of his father and be a firefighter. I cannot tell you the number of times he would turn down an all-night binger because he was on call for the Volunteer Campus EMS. However, when he was not required to stay sober, he seldom was. Squirrel was loud and obnoxious, but he could easily become the life of the party. I never really saw him get angry. He was cool and easy going. Together, him and I wreaked havoc on Tits, never missing an opportunity to cut him down or pull a prank on him. One day we trapped him in a broom closet and proceeded to blow baby powder under the door until he agreed to go to the Rugby House (aka "The Alamo") for a party. He LOVED finding ways to get in trouble. He was not a very big guy, but that never stopped him from constantly talking shit. After leaving a party at TG (we spent A LOT of time there!!) he passed someone passing by with his girlfriend wearing a baggy white dress shirt. Squirrel turned and shouted "Hey, Jerry Seinfeld! Nice puffy shirt, ASSHOLE!" 

Squirrel's weakness was women. After hooking up with a girl at St. Bonaventure, her and her friend decided to make an impromptu visit. Later that night they took turns writing some of the funniest, most hateful shit in Sharpie on his door he had ditched her at a party. We spent the rest of the night scrubbing his door clean. After graduation we had all gone our separate ways, but we still managed to keep in touch. A couple of years later we met back up to play in the Alfred Rugby alumni game. As the years passed, the conversations became sparser. Squirrel went on to become a firefighter like he had always dreamed about. He became a husband and a father. When The Facebook became big we were able to reconnect and would share stories of our lives or talk about old memories. When Amanda and I were planning our wedding, Mattie was talking about flying to the Keys to attend the ceremony. And when all of that came crashing down, he would call me to make sure that I was hanging in there. I took one last look at the field that contained so many terrific memories. There will always be places where you just feel a sense of peace and reflection. It is a bit ironic that the pitch that hosted such ferocity on Saturdays would become such a place of contentment. As it turns out, another place of mine is the Arcadia football field house. When I would have my crackups in my 20s, my friend Schworm would always know that if I went missing, that is where he could find me. Anyways, I had to go. It was time to go pay my old friend a visit.

After Amanda and I split up I had taken a job in North Carolina. Still reeling from the difficult breakup, I had walked into the basement of the Research Department on a chilly, dreary day and sat down to take a few minutes to catch up on Facebook when I heard about Squirrel. There was a post regarding a fire in Owego during the night. There was a casualty. But no. It couldn't have been him. But I am sure that he must be pretty shaken up. I should probably try and reach out to him. Before I got the chance to, I was interrupted by a message from an old mutual friend, Wendy. Matt and Wendy grew up together. She let me know that the casualty was Squirrel. It did not process at first. That couldn't be right! He was a good firefighter! He was had a family! But then the reality started to set in. I went in to the office of the head of my department and explained what had happened and that I needed a couple of days off. That night I packed a suitcase, asked my father to let me borrow $200, and I drove through the night to New York. I shared a room at a run down Red Roof Inn with my friend Ed (my suite mate from college. Man, I cannot WAIT to get more into him some other time! He is a goddamn character!) So anyways, the next day me and Ed, who had become a volunteer firefighter and was decked out in his uniform, met up for breakfast with Tits and shared old stories over some eggs and bacon. I have not seen Ed in a few years, and Johnny for at least 20. We carried on like nothing had changed. We were missing the loud voice and dramatic flair of Squirrel. 

Now when I tell you that Mattie had died a hero, I am not sure if you quite understand. He was a loved and cherished member of his community. He had a tight group of friends. He did all that Dad shit. But he NEVER let that part of him that made HIM get away. He was still known for drinking a bit too much shitty beer and run his mouth any chance that he got. Owego is a very small town, and I think that everyone in that town was present to say their "Goodbyes" to Matt. There were Police, EMS, and Firefighters from Syracuse all the way to Pennsylvania there to pay their respects to their fallen brother. There were so many people there for his Last Call that they filled the auditorium and streamed it in the Gymnasium so that everyone was able to be present. The occasion was somber but the ceremonial pageantry was breathtaking. Squirrel had the tendency to be a bit of an asshole. But this was the ceremony that Mattie deserved. My old friend is my fucking hero. I love and I miss the fuck out of that guy!

I pulled into St. Patrick's Cemetery, and the part of me that grew up Catholic turned off the radio out of respect for the souls. It was not hard for me to find Matt's gravestone. Fennie was wiped out from all of the walking the past 2 days and he was perfectly content with sleeping in the backseat. I sat down in front of the gravestone marked Matthew Porcari. I talked to him like 19 year old Whimpy would talk to his fucking homey Squirrel. I caught him up on my life. I told him funny stories. About the death of my dad. And how I was struggling trying to cope with my grandmother's passing. And how much I fucking missed him. How I wanted to be sitting at a bar sharing these stories. I will never find a friend like him. He had the ability to be a complete jackass. But he was the guy that made you laugh and knew just what to say when life took a shit on you. He was the guy that would make sure that all of his buddies had a great time. He will always be my brother. I shed a few tears, and saw that the sun was starting to go down. I had a good 2 hour drive back to Rochester, so it was time to say "Goodbye" and that I would see him soon. 

By the time we got home Fennie and I were beyond exhausted. I had to return to work the next day. I was not sure what sort of reaction I would face. Despite the need for the time off to reflect on what has been happening in my life, I felt guilty for making my coworkers pick up the slack of my little break. And to be honest, I was embarrassed! A mental breakdown is never pretty. And to have it take place in your workplace, ON A GODDAMN CRISIS LINE, is not very cool. But when I got back to work, it was just another day. There were a few people who pulled me aside to ask if I was OK. And I truly appreciate that. I have to be honest, I work with an INCREDIBLE group of people. They were completely understanding. They could not believe that I was able to take all of this and still show up to work and do my job. I have been conditioned to take what life throws at me and find a way to absorb it and keep moving forward. However I never gave myself an opportunity to address it all. But being outside and in nature, just myself and my best friend-slash-companion-slash-Ryde or Die, it gave me a chance to process all that has happened and all that I have to look forward to. I did not take turning 40 very well. But it is gone. I am now looking at 41. It is time to figure out a way to get back to living. L-I-V-I-N-'. It is time to evaluate my relationships and my role in them. It is time to figure out the person that I am wanting to be. I have seen a lot of unbelievable people fade out of my life and a lot of them are never coming back. Some of them I can only talk to in spirit. I am not promised another 10 years. I am not promised another year. Is this the kind of person that I want to be remembered for? And if not, then what I am going to have to do to get to that person?

[bitchninthekitchnnn]

Women Puddin’ Other Women Down

I’m going to bitch about a topic that’s really been grinding my gears lately: women putting other women down. But before I get started, I wanted to talk about the Women’s March that happened last weekend on Saturday January 21st.

IT. WAS. AWESOME.

I participated in the Denver, Colorado march. My roommates and I got up at the crack of dawn, drove to Denver (we live in Boulder) and marched from morning ‘til afternoon.

Everything about the day was exhilarating. We chose to drive to Denver because the line for the RTD bus at the Boulder station wrapped around the block (this was at 7:15AM, hours before the march was supposed to start). As we drove down route 36, we saw floods of people along each bus stop, faces and signs bright from the reflection of the pink sunrise.

After we found a parking spot in Denver, we stopped for a caffeine fix at Pablo’s Coffee. We waited in line for 40 minutes with dozens of other marchers to find that our coffee and breakfast treats had been covered for all participating in the march. As we made our way to the capital, the streets were flooded with caring, loving, progressive, strong people, all eager to hit the streets.

The morning had a slow start. We were at a standstill for about 2 hours. The reason being: there were SO. MANY. PEOPLE. I was delightfully surprised by the outcome, and the amount of men in the crowds! There were people of all different races, ages, sexual orientations and disabilities, out in Denver on a chilly morning making our voices heard.

The city of Denver expected 40,000 people to come through. As of right now, it’s estimated somewhere around 200,000. We showed up. We made a difference. We sprawled through city, together, peacefully, and proudly. For the first time since election night, I’ve felt hopeful.

Now let’s get down to bitchin’.

Women putting other people down. There are sooooo many examples of this, but here’s a few to get started:

-Women talking shit about another woman's sexual history (IE: She has threesomes on the reg. She must not respect herself.)

-Women outwardly questioning another’s makeup and wardrobe choices (IE: You’re wearing that?)

-Women insulting another female for their life choices (IE: making stay at home moms feel like they’re not politically woke because they chose be at home with their families).

-Women commenting on your breakfast choices (IE: wow, that is A LOT of bacon).

-Women pointing out social interactions (IE: She’s always looking for attention. I feel bad for her).

The list goes on. Why do we do this?

Throughout high school, my weight fluctuated frequently. I had an extra 30-40 pounds on me during my freshman and sophomore year. Stress and an overwhelming sense of low self worth made me overeat. By the end of junior year I was tired of hating my body, and started “dieting” (aka starving myself) to feel pretty. And hey, it worked! Boys started looking at me in ways I wasn’t used to, friends complimented me and encouraged me to “keep it up!”

I was grossly thin. I was always tired. I was obsessed with running for miles, and then stepping onto my bathroom scale right afterwards to see how much weight I’d lost during the run. Yeah. It was messed up.

Enter grandma. She lived next door to me when I was growing up, and was present for most of my childhood. She was a firecracker of a woman who I loved very much. She was also incredibly shallow. To be fair, she grew up during a time where your dress size determined your entire self worth. That mindset was certainly perpetuated onto all of her daughters, and granddaughters.  

During the time I was losing weight, she always had a positive comment, and, like my friends, encouraged me to “keep it up!” I would walk over her house after school, you know, for some standard gram time. She greeted me at the door with a full body scan, from the tips of my toes to the top of my head. I knew I looked up to her standards with the first words that came out of her mouth. If I was looking slim, she would say “Carla, you look so beautiful!” as she held the screen door open. If I had a couple extra pounds (which I swear to god, she could pick up on like a hawk) she would grimace and say, “Hello.” The interaction started to stress me out so much that I stopped visiting her solo. I’d only cross the yard when my sister, mom, dad or boyfriend at the time could be the buffer. And go through the door first.

Why do women do this to each other? NY Times puts it eloquently:

We aren’t competing with other women, ultimately, but with ourselves — with how we think of ourselves. For many of us, we look at other women and see, instead, a version of ourselves that is better, prettier, smarter, something more. We don’t see the other woman at all.

(https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/01/opinion/sunday/why-women-compete-with-each-other.html)

Women have it ROUGH. Like so many other minorities, we’ve have to fight for every single right we have. Life would be a little sweeter if us ladies stopped comparing, judging, belittling each other for our choices. Next time you’re thinking about making a comment that’s meant to knock a woman down a peg, think about where the root of that comment is coming from, and work on those insecurities instead.

NOW LET’S GET TO THE KITCHN’.

Picking Women Up, Not Puddin’ Them Down

Lavender Lemon Pudding with Honey Poached Pears and Candied Lemons

OG recipe from Cafe Johnsonia: http://cafejohnsonia.com/2013/10/lavender-panna-cotta-honey-poached-pears.html

Total time: 1 hour 5 mins // Serves: 6-8

Alright, technically this a recipe for *panna cotta,* but they’re essentially the same thing. Pudding feels less intimidating and in all truth I just couldn’t let go of the name.

This recipe is easy, it just takes time. There’s just a lot of steps, and a good amount of throwin’ shit together. It’s not that bad, I promise!

For lavender lemon pudding:

3 Tablespoons cold water

one package gelatin

1¾ cups heavy cream

1¼ cups whole milk

½ cup sugar

1 teaspoon lavender buds

1 teaspoon vanilla extract (or ½ vanilla bean, scraped)

For honey poached pears:

3 slightly under-ripe pears, cored and peeled, cut into quarters

½ cup water

¼ cup honey

Juice of 1 large lemon

Peel of one large lemon cut into strips (I used a vegetable peeler to create long strips and cut them into thinner strips with a sharp knife)

1 teaspoon lavender buds

1 vanilla bean, split lengthwise down the middle

pinch sea salt

For candied lemon peel:

Reserved poaching liquid, only pears removed

¼ cup granulated sugar or evaporated cane juice

For lavender lemon pudding:

Have ready 6-8 custard cups or ramekins. (You can lightly oil them if you plan on turning them out onto a plate, it helps them release better.) Place the ramekins in a 9- by 13-inch baking dish or on a rimmed baking sheet. Set aside.

Place the cold water in a small bowl and sprinkle the gelatin on top. Let soften for 5-10 minutes.

Meanwhile, combine heavy cream, milk, sugar, and lavender in a medium saucepan. Heat gently, stirring to dissolve sugar, until the mixture just comes to a boil. Remove from heat and add the softened gelatin. Place back on the stove and heat gently until the gelatin is completely dissolved, about 2-3 minutes.

Stir in the vanilla and strain through a fine mesh sieve into a large measuring cup with a spout. Pour about ½ cup of the mixture into the ramekins. (There might be some leftover depending on the size of the ramekins.) Let stand until cooled to room temperature, then cover the ramekins with plastic wrap and place in the fridge for several hours to chill until set.

For honey poached pears:

Place the pears, water, honey, lemon juice and peel. lavender and vanilla bean in a small sauce pan Bring to a simmer and cook until pears are just tender, stirring occasionally and making sure the bottom doesn't burn. (If it does start to burn, the heat is way too high. It should just barely simmer.)

The pears will probably need between 30-45 minutes to properly poach. Check for doneness by inserting the tip of a sharp knife into one of the pears. If it goes in easily, then the pears are done. If not, cook for a few more minutes. Remove the pears and place them in a bowl to cool. Reserve the poaching liquid and other ingredients.

For the candied lemon peel:

Bring the poaching liquid to a boil and then lower the heat a bit and continue cooking until the liquid reduces and become syrupy, an additional 15 minutes or so. Remove the lemon peel from the syrup, letting as much of the syrup drip back into the pan as possible.

Reserve the remaining syrup to use as a sauce when serving. Place the sugar in a shallow bowl and add the lemon peel to the bowl and roll until coated. Set the zest aside to finish cooling. You may need to roll them in the sugar several times. Set them aside until serving time.

To serve:

Either serve the pudding still in the ramekin or carefully loosen it from the mold with a thin knife and turn upside down on a plate. Top with 3-4 pear slices and drizzle with some of the syrup and top with a few strips of candied lemon peel.

Note from the “editor”:

Carla is one of the best people. She’s got it all going on. She has the most beautifully curated Instagram, the best fucking attitude I could ever hope to steal for myself. Follow her if you feel like you need some feel good posts in your social media. I love her. She’s the best. 

As a woman, life is already hard. We should spend more time lifting each other up rather than puddin’ each other down just to feel a little more ahead. This goes for everything. The basic lesson in intersectional feminism really. We all can’t get ahead if everyone is pushing everyone else down. It just doesn’t work like that. Getting your own self image and worth to a good point is so damn hard anyway. Ugh. Anyway, Carla, youre beautiful. I love your mind. Reader, You’re beautiful, and I love you for being here. 

If you want to write for this blog, just let me know! There are submission guidelines HERE Bitch it to me ladies. 

[dawnover-dusk]

Problem (Jinyoung)

genre: med school/NY!au, friendship, optional romance in epilogue

word count: 1,566

summary: this was based off of Carly Rae Jepsens’s “Boy Problems”

series: i used to be a got7 stan until they finally found their music sound and i didn’t like it lol

Future (Yugyeom) | Problem (Jinyoung) | Falling Slow (Youngjae)

“Jinyoung, the last time I checked, we were medical students, not freshmen in high school,” you said exasperatedly into the phone.

You stared at the people walking through Bryant Park from your vantage point on an armchair, which you had turned to face the window. Men and women in business casual streamed out of the subway station and onto the concrete, juggling phones and purses and coffee cups as they all moved forward with purpose. You idly wondered if anyone would get hurt if you hurled your Pharmacology textbook out of the window, but the windows on the 9th floor student lounge were not made to provide fresh air, only a view. Also, you were sure that you would be breaking the Hippocratic Oath, and it was too early in your fledgling path for you to become jaded enough for that.

“I just don’t know where we stand anymore,” Jinyoung’s voice continued, ignoring your little quip. In these moments, you often left your phone on speaker and just let him vent, with some noncommittal “hms” and “yeahs” to pretend that you were listening. You were flattered that he felt close enough to you to talk about his problems, much less his romantic life, but you’ve had this conversation too many times already. 

“Hey Jinyoung,” you interrupted, “A female patient presents with a creatinine clearance rate of 132 mL/kg, urine osmolality of 1650 mOsmol/kg, and hypokalemia.  The most likely cause of this patient’s condition is what class of drug?”

“A loop diuretic. Furosemide. Ethacrynic acid. What do you think I should do?”

“I think that you should come to the lounge and help me with pharmacology, as you seem to get questions right even when dealing with all your girl problems.”

A sharp intake of breath. A groan. “You make it seem so trivial.”

Silence. You bit back the most logical retort of, “Well, yes, it is.” More silence. Did he hang up?

“Just come to my apartment, I have take-out and flashcards.”

You silently pumped your fist in the air as you cleaned up your papers and gathered your things.

Ten minutes later, you found yourself in front of Jinyoung’s apartment building, finger poised to buzz the intercom. The front door of the complex opened and to your surprise, you were face to face with none other than Yerin, the object of Jinyoung’s affections. She greeted you shyly and held the door open for you. Dressed in an oversized sweater and clutching a pathology textbook against her chest, you couldn’t help but greet her fondly. 

“Do you have a pathology exam coming soon?” you asked, pointing to the textbook. She played with the strap of her messenger bag as she nodded, flashing a bunch of papers that she had sandwiched between the pages of the textbook.

“Is Step 1 preparation going okay?” she asked in return. Her voice was quiet and calm and you replied with your hatred of pharmacology while expressing jealously about how it came so naturally to Jinyoung. Upon hearing his name, she laughed nervously and agreed with your high-spirited rambling.

“Well, it was super nice to see you, Yerin! I won’t keep you for too long. Just let me know if you need help with path; Dr. Lore loves me,” you grinned proudly. 

With that, you climbed the stairs to Jinyoung’s apartment while thinking about all the things that he had told you about Yerin. As one of the first year students, you thought that she was quite humble, unlike many of her classmates who had come in with elitist and entitled attitudes. Your interactions with her were few, but she was at the top of her year while working part-time. You couldn’t imagine her as someone who would lead another person on. 

You fished the copy of the key that Jinyoung gave you from your backpack and entered the apartment to see him sprawled out on the floor of the living room, papers spread around him. The apartment complex was popular because it was so close to the medical college, but due to financial reasons, you stayed with your parents back in Astoria, which was an hour’s commute by subway. However, Jinyoung decided that you spent the nights often enough to warrant giving you your own key, and now you were pseudo-roommates; you ended up paying for utilities and groceries. 

“I ran into Yerin downstairs,” you began, placing your bag on the floor next to the small kitchen table. “I didn’t know she lived here.”

Jinyoung turned and emphatically pointed at you with what looked like a crude drawing of the bones of the hand. “That’s why it’s so hard! I see her practically every day.”

You rolled your eyes at him as you opened the refrigerator for a drink. He took the opportunity to continue where he had left off from on the phone. “She seemed to enjoy the dates that I planned, but then she goes and ignores all my texts when I accidentally introduced her to someone as my girlfriend.”

You sat down next to him on the floor, popping the tab of the energy drink and grabbing a pile of flashcards. You regretted bringing it up again, but this time, you remarked, “She is just a first year. Maybe she doesn’t feel comfortable with a relationship at this point? She seems super into academics and stuff so I would understand if she wanted to prioritize that first.”

“I just wish that I could have this conversation with her without her being all stoic and quiet.”

“Jinyoung, you can’t expect her to change for you. You said that you liked her because she was quiet in the first place. You have two options: either give her some space or keep trying to talk to her. One of them is the logical choice. Also, you are getting super annoying.”

Grumbling and conceding defeat, he took the flashcards from your hands as he began to quiz you about the mechanisms of action for various classes of drugs.

“So���I think I broke it off,” the text read. You raised your eyebrow as you wondered if you could break off something that was never officially a thing, but you decided to spare yourself the minutes that it would take Jinyoung to explain this concept to you.

“I’m sorry, how are you feeling?” you replied. You were snuggled in a cocoon of blankets on the sofa in Jinyoung’s apartment, a USMLE book on your lap. You half-heartedly read the practice question over again when your phone vibrated. 

“Weirdly, I don’t really care anymore. I’ve got worse problems, like getting you to pass the pharm section of the Boards :P”

“Aw, I’m honored.”

“I’ve got fried chicken. ETA 5 minutes. You better have finished that practice section.”

You and Jinyoung stood next to each other as you stared at the Prometric center, resigned to your fate. You were a bundle of nerves, your heart pounding as you thought of the eight-hour exam that was about to occur. You took the MCAT, you tried to reason with yourself. This is only two hours more.

Sensing your fear, Jinyoung intertwined his fingers with yours, squeezing gently in reassurance. Pulling you into the the building, he quietly wished you good luck before you had to go separate ways to check in and be seated at your respective computers.

Eight hours later, you shuffled out of the examination room and threw yourself into the seat next to Jinyoung. You lazily rested your head against his shoulder as you mumbled, “That sucked. Also, screw you for finishing early.”

He chuckled softly as he got up from the waiting room chair, pulling you up along with him. “Let’s go get some food,” he cheered, “We’re done!”

You bounced excitedly out of the building and onto the street as a wave of giddiness washed over you. Indeed, the first part of the Boards was behind you, and you had a summer vacation to look forward to. Skipping in the direction of Koreatown, you shouted behind your shoulder, “You’re treating!”

Jinyoung smiled as he watched your retreating figure amongst the sunset, the golden hour peeking through skyscrapers and tinting the city with a glowing warmth. His eyes crinkled at the corners as he ran after you.

On the day that he sent you that text, he had realized that (1) you always managed to come to the correct solution and (2) no one could compare with his best friend.

Bonus Epilogue:

You were all smiles at the white coat ceremony, still awed by the novelty of how fitted your coat was and how it now brushed the sides of your knees. Jinyoung put an arm around your shoulder as you took photo after photo with your classmates. Fiddling with the ring on your left hand, you felt comforted by the familiar weight on your shoulders and the atmosphere of excitement in the room.

“Four more years, huh?” he whispered, taking the chance to ruffle your hair.

“More like five,” you snorted as he playfully shook his head in mock disbelief. 

“Tell me why you want to do forensic pathology again?”

“Tell me why you want to do pediatric oncology,” you retorted. “Plus, I have way less chance of a malpractice suit,” you winked.

He responded by enveloping your hand with his, the band of his matching ring cool against your warm skin.

[datingadviceonreddit]

Hey my dudes,​This is a throwaway account because my brother follows me on my other account and I don't want him to see this.​Basically, I just came back from a three month trip to New York (I live in Switzerland), where I was interning in a firm. I turned 18 in November and am a female. During my stay, I met this french guy and I think I really like him. This post is going to be about how to not freak out about our relationship. If it's too long just skip to the end where I put the questions I have.​To give you some context, for some reason I get very very strong anxiety when I start talking to guys, whether I like them or not. It's not that I am shy but I think its more to do with the fact that I don't have much trust in dudes due to a few events earlier in my life. To give you a short recap, I was abused by my first boyfriend when I was 12.When I was 15, turns out the biggest male figure in my life, my dad, had been cheating on my mom for a whole year with her bestfriend when our family was going through a rough patch. It broke my family apart and I couldn't even be in the same room with him for 2 months. I didn't let him touch me (as in not even touch my arm) for a whole year after that. It wasn't that I didn't want to have a good relationship with him, its just he grossed me out so much, i didn't see him as my dad anymore and I didn't trust him in he least. Even though he's a really good dude (my parents are now back together and stronger than ever) for a whole year he was like the shell of someone I used to know and it hurt me a lot.When I was 16, I started dating the guy of my absolute dreams. I had had a proper crush on him for the past three years before we started dating and I was basically in love with him. after 2 months, we broke up because my anxiety was getting the best of me. I wouldn't go a week without getting a panic attack. I would live with my phone by my side anxiously waiting for his texts, and would jump to conclusions (like he doesn't love me anymore or he figured out I'm lame and found someone else) if he didn't answer me for a while. I hated myself and the person I was during that time. To be fair though he was really shitty at making me feel comfortable, I always felt like I had to be at the top of my game to be able to keep him interested.​So fast forward to two years later (now). I haven't found anybody I like in a long time. A bunch of guys have been interested in me but over the past years but every time I start getting close to them I freak out and get super stressed and want to call off the plans and stuff. I think it might also be because I kinda force myself into relationships because I want to figure out my issues and be with someone so bad. Sometimes I think me freaking out is just my subconscious telling me to listen to myself and to realize I'm not actually interested in these guys. But then I met my New York dude. Him an I met on tinder (how romantic I know). I saw this one dude, he was a skater, French and witty, basically checking all my boxes. We matched and he texted me. We started talking and I thought he was so cool, I realized it would be dumb of me not to meet up with him just because I met him over the internet. So we meet up and we get high. The date goes ok, but it was a weird atmosphere, we were in his apartment and then his roommate came in and she was really judgmental and made me feel uncomfortable so I left. I did really like him though so I was pissed the date was lame. He texted me after asking me if I got home ok and saying that we should meet up again. In the following month we made plans many times and he kept on canceling, I had to swallow my pride to text him few times just because I didn't want to give up, but he kept on canceling so I felt like he didn't care. I'm usually the one that guys try to get and not vice versa so its was an odd feeling.​Eventually, we end up hanging out on a friday. Before meeting up I was loosing my shit, I was so stressed out I could barely breathe. The fact that I knew I was leaving NY soon anyways calmed me down as I knew that if I fucked up I could just leave it behind me. He picks me up and we walk down to chinatown to buy him a new board. We talked about so much stuff and got along really well. We get pizza and then since I can't drink in bars in the US due to the age being 21, we go back to his place for a beer. I ended up spending the night with him and it was so nice. He held men his arms and told me about how he hadn't been so happy with a girl in a long time. I felt protected it was really weird. Like I've spent so many years building a shell around me and being as independent as I could be (I moved out of my parents' house when I was 15 to move from Spain to Switzerland etc..) and just being in his arms I felt like I didn't need to protect myself anymore because he would do it for me. I hadn't felt this way since I was a child. We ended up meeting up on Saturday as well and again, before meeting up with him I wanted to die I was so stressed. I felt as if my whole body was shaking. We went to get dinner and he told me about how he had told his friends he was seeing me after skating with them. This was new to me as all my past relationships had been secret, so for him to be so open about us was strange. Later on he even told his mother about me, and called me his girlfriend to her.​We ended up meeting up basically any day we could to hang out. It was like there was no games between us, he told me straight out he cared about me and I did too, there was no "who's going to text first?" or "I won't tell him I like him or he'll loose interest" type bs. Just straight out caring for each other. However, I knew that the only reason I wasn't freaking out like I usually do is because I knew our story had an expiration date, and that the day I would leave NY that would be it. It was like a safety net. But I didn't want to leave him, not in the least. We ended up starting to talk about how he might be able to do a year abroad to Barcelona (where I'll be going to college next year) as he would still have a year of college left after his year abroad in NY (he usually goes to school in France) before finishing his studies. That idea made me so happy. The day I left, he gave me a ring he would always wear and that I knew he really liked and had a strong emotional attachment to. He said: "this ring was touched by everyone I care for, and I want you to have it." when I wouldn't take it he said I could just borrow it and give it back when we see it other again so that it acts as a symbol of our promise. It's too big for my fingers so I now wear it around my neck but I wouldn't take it off for the world.​When i left NY, I thought we wouldn't see each other for at least 6 months, which meant we weren't going to stay exclusive for that whole time. We never talked about it but we always knew there was no point in staying together when we live so far away and we're still very young (I'm 18 he's 22). However we can't seem to let go, I went out yesterday for the first time since leaving for NY and I didn't even look at other guys, I just wasn't interested. When I got home we facetimed and we talked for a whole hour even though it was 5 am in Europe and 10pm in NY. We couldn't stop smiling. At one point I said: "Yeah it's kinda cool being able to say my boyfriend's in New York", I didn't mean to call him my bf but it slipped out, and he was really happy about it, he said he said that he really liked it that I called him that.​I do have some worries about us thought, so here they are:​He's coming home to France for Christmas and New Years, and I'm thinking about flying out to see him. He was the one who suggested I do so but he's only in France for 9 days and I know he wants to see his friends and family, the last thing I want to do is bother him and take up his time. I don't want him to see me as an inconvenient, so how can I ask him if he really wants me to come without making him feel like he has to answer that he does?​If I am going to stay with him after NY, do any of you have any tips on how I can stop freaking out before seeing him? Or how I can deal with the stress of meeting his family and friends without getting anxious? I want my relationship with him to last but it can't if I don't figure my issues out.​And lastly, how do I know if I really like him, or if I just like having a boyfriend? I think I really like him but when I think about the stuff I like about him it's not just stuff about him, it's also things like "I like the way I feel when he holds me close" or "I like the way he looks at me and how cute he looks when he laughs at something really funny" So how do I know? Any of you have ever been in this situation?​If you made it through this essay thank you so much!! I really need some advice and since I can't talk about him to basically anybody I just kinda threw up my feelings on this page. Any advice is greatly appreciated via /r/dating_advice

[thedeadshotnetwork]

A Week In New York City On A $40,000 Salary Welcome to Money Diaries , where we're tackling what might be the last taboo facing modern working women: money. We're asking millennials how they spend their hard-earned money during a seven-day period — and we're tracking every last dollar. Have a money diary you'd like to share? Right now, in addition to our ongoing diaries, we're looking for potential diarists along the following theme: Your Spending In Your State: Starting in January, we want to run one Money Diary from a different state each day. Want to rep your state? Submit here ! This week: We're looking at Money Diaries during the (often expensive) holiday season to see how people save up — and spend. Today, for the last entry of our holiday MDs: a film distributor who makes $40,000 per year. She spends some of her money on mini-chocolate champagne bottles. Occupation: Film Distributor Industry: Film Age: 26 Location: New York, NY Salary: $40,000 Paycheck (Once Per Week): $598.07 Monthly Expenses Housing: $550. I live in a family-owned apartment. My roommate and I each pay my parents $550 per month to cover the taxes, fees, and utilities my parents pay on the apartment. Loan Payments: $0 All Other Monthly Expenses Gym: $10.45 MoviePass: $9.95 Spotify: $9.99 Health Insurance: $179 Hulu Netflix: $0. I use my parents' accounts. Cable Internet, Water Electricity: $0. Included in $550 rent payment. Day One 10:30 a.m. — I get out of bed after my Emergency Don't-Sleep-Later-Than-This alarm goes off, and am uncharacteristically energetic. I slip on jeans and a t-shirt, eat a hard-boiled egg, make a pot of coffee for my thermos, brush my teeth, and head out the door. Trader Joe's is packed, even though it's before noon on a Sunday. Last night, I babysat with my best friend and she told me about a “cleanse” she recently started. The dietary restrictions and required discipline seemed too farfetched for me, but my biggest takeaway was to try cutting my sugar intake. She says that doing so has worked wonders for her skin and energy levels. I normally spend $30-35 per week on groceries, but spend a bit more today. I buy Stevia packets, avocados, green peppers, bananas, Greek yogurt, spinach, three pre-packed salads, frozen chicken breasts, chicken sausage, brie, two boxes of pasta, and frozen berries. $53.37 1 p.m. — I take the subway (my company pays for my monthly MetroCard) to the Upper East Side to meet a college friend for bagels at H H. I spring for lox and we catch up for a while before walking a few blocks north to see Coco ! I have a MoviePass subscription so my ticket (normally $15) is “free”! We laugh, we cry, we leave, and it's dark out because winter is coming. $11.92 4:45 p.m. — Hop on the downtown subway and instead of going home, walk into DSW. I have $140 of babysitting cash burning a hole in my wallet, and I need a new pair of boots. I spend nearly an hour perusing, but nothing speaks to me, so I leave empty-handed and walk home. I get home and am craving something sweet, so I have a few too many pretzel M Ms. Cutting down on sugar is going really well. 8:30 p.m. — After a few hours of catching up with my roommate, watching last night's episode of Saturday Night Live on Hulu, and journaling, I finally find myself a little hungry. I make organic tomato and roasted red pepper soup! (A.k.a., I heat up Trader Joe's soup on the stove.) Daily Total: $65.29 Day Two 7:25 a.m. — I reluctantly roll out of bed after hitting snooze once and get in the shower. After, I pick my outfit for the day and put my Trader Joe's salad in my bag for lunch. I also remove a frozen chicken breast from the freezer to defrost. I'm not very hungry yet, so I consider waiting to eat breakfast until I get to work. After making a cup of green tea, chatting with the roommate after she returns from yoga (and sharing which T. Swift song is stuck in our heads — “Delicate” in mine, “Gorgeous” in hers), I get dressed and leave my apartment to take the subway into Brooklyn for work. 9:35 a.m. — I arrive, slap on a smile, make a cup of coffee from the Keurig, and raid the snack cabinet for a rice cake. I add peanut butter and honey on top. For the next few hours, I answer various emails, read a lot of tweets, and watch the number of “Articles You Have Left This Month” on The New York Times ' website go down. 1:30 p.m. — Lunch time! I work above a food court, so I take my salad and a book downstairs to the big dining area, and use my full hour to eat, read, and scroll through Instagram. 6:01 p.m. — I am OUTTA there! I'm a firm believer in leaving work when you have no more work to do, so I'm saved by the 6 o'clock bell! I take the subway home, rocking out to a Christmas playlist I made in high school, and taking a detour at the Trader Joe's wine shop. Sometimes there is a line out the door to just get in, but fortunately it's pretty quiet. I grab two bottles of pinot noir because it's Monday — and hey, maybe I'll bring one to a holiday party! (Or not.) I walk home, feeling grateful the day's over. $12.50 8:30 p.m. — Finally feeling hungry, I make chicken, green peppers, and penne after briefly catching up with my roommate before she goes to a concert. I, on the other hand, have been parked on the couch in front of E! News since I got home. 9:30 p.m. — I'm two glasses of wine in, mindlessly swiping through Bumble (I'm newly single), and watching the hilarious Search Party . I'm also scrolling through Twitter (being a millennial is all about multitasking, isn't it?) and reading about the president's endorsement of a child molester for Alabama senator. Furious, I make a donation to Doug Jones' campaign before going to bed. $10 Daily Total: $22.50 Day Three 7:30 a.m. — Getting out of bed is so hard today. It didn't help that I was in the middle of a stress dream when my alarm went off, so I start my day in a weird mood. I hop into the shower, get out, chat with my roommate (she is the absolute best and we love each other very much!), and she leaves early so she can walk to work. I'm not very hungry, so I make a bowl of Greek yogurt with granola and a little honey before I leave. 9:40 a.m. — I get to work a few minutes late and immediately make a coffee from the Keurig. Perhaps the yogurt wasn't as filling as I thought, because the coffee goes right through me and I am jittery AF. The most exciting email I receive is an invite to go into my boss' office to pick a name for Secret Santa. I'm excited that I pick out the name of a girl I know fairly well! I brainstorm what to buy for her, feeling grateful for the $20 limit. 1:30 p.m. — A new employee joins me for lunch, and we go downstairs with our lunches from home. I have a different Trader Joe's salad today that is purely vegetables and I am nervous, but it ends up being pretty tasty and very filling! Maybe what they say about vegetables is true — that you should, like, eat them. 5:55 p.m. — My to-do list has shrunk, and I'm really excited about my evening plans. I leave the office and take the subway to the Greenwich Village. I have a major pizza craving, so I stop into Joe's Pizza but it's cash only. Double ugh: I left my wad of babysitting cash on my bedside table. I withdraw $20 (with a $2.75 fee) from the ATM outside of Joe's, and eat the most delicious slice of cheese pizza ($3) I've had in a long time. $5.75 6:50 p.m. — I walk two blocks through the rain to meet my friend at a cool Belgian beer bar. We haven't seen each other in a few weeks, so after I order a beer (she's been there for a few minutes and already has one) we quickly catch up, commiserate about work, and brainstorm festive Christmas-y things to do together. At 7:30, we realize we're running late to our big event, so we ask for the check and split the bill. I insist on paying for half of “her” fries because I definitely ate half of them. $13 8:15 p.m. — We wait outside in the pouring rain for 30 minutes before finally being let into the movie theatre to see World of Tomorrow 2 , a short film by one of our favorite filmmakers! We are surrounded by fellow film nerds and it is glorious, and the Q A with the filmmaker is an added bonus. Well worth the $15 I spent on the ticket I ordered two weeks ago. After the movie, we split ways and I take the subway home, chat with my roommate, and get ready for bed. Daily Total: $18.75 Day Four 7 a.m. — I'm up earlier than usual today because I have a pre-work coffee meeting at 8. I roll out of bed, change into appropriate attire, and eat a banana. Somehow this takes me 55 minutes, and I realize I'm going to be a few minutes late. So, I power walk up the street to the café where I'm meeting someone for the first time in two years; he messaged me on LinkedIn last week asking to catch up. Networking is so awkward, but it's vital in my industry. 8:15 a.m. — He is running a few minutes late, so I buy myself a coffee to end the awkward stare down I'm getting from the barista. $2.75 9:15 a.m. — The meeting goes really well! He basically tried to offer me a job interview, which was flattering. I would have liked to stay longer but I'm running quite late to work, so I head out and take the subway into Brooklyn. Once I get to the office, I resist taking a free doughnut from one of the FOUR boxes on the kitchen table, and opt to make a rice cake with peanut butter and honey. 1:30 p.m. — I'm borderline hangry after a company-wide “Investing 101” meeting. I eat lunch by myself today, and it's my last Trader Joe's salad of the week. I take my full hour, then come back upstairs with just a few emails to answer. I make a cup of tea in the office kitchen, and get back to work, which consists of emailing a few people and FedExing a couple Blu-rays. 6 p.m. — The workday is done! I take the subway into Manhattan and walk through Washington Square Park to watch the Christmas tree lighting. About 200 people are crowded around the giant tree, singing carols along with a brass band. I stay for about 10 minutes, reveling in holiday cheer, before walking to a bookstore on a mission to buy a Secret Santa gift. I spend 45 minutes wandering the aisles, and end up getting a 2018 planner for myself and a mug for my Secret Santa. $33.86 7:45 p.m. — I walk home and heat up leftover chicken from two nights ago. My roommate comes home from yoga a little after 8, and we catch up and watch Elf together while I paint my nails. Daily Total: $36.61 Day Five 6:30 a.m. — I try to go to the gym before work at least once a week, and today's the day. Out the door at 6:45, I walk to the gym and spend about 45 minutes there. I walk home, say hey to my roommate who has the day off, and hop in the shower. 8:30 a.m. — I am running ahead of schedule for the first time since my first week at my job six months ago. I use that extra time to make a smoothie with soy milk, nonfat Greek yogurt, half an avocado, spinach, and a frozen berry medley. After one sip, I confirm that I am a smoothie genius. I take it to-go, and head to the subway. On my commute, I listen to a “Before a Difficult Conversation” meditation tape. 10:15 a.m. — I've been at work for 35 minutes, and it's time to do something I've been planning for months. I quit my job. Well, I put in my two weeks notice. But yes, I quit my first ever full-time job with (minimal) benefits and a steady salary. It is terrifying and I may have cried a little, but I am so relieved when it's over. I've freelanced in the film industry for the past four years, and while the salary ranges from $10,000-$20,000 per year, my happiness pursuing my various passions fulfills me beyond belief. I text approximately a million friends and receive a wave of congratulatory messages. I absolutely do not need coffee, because between working out this morning and quitting my job, I am feeling energetic AF. Eventually, though, the smell from the coffeemaker in the kitchen draws me in, and I give in. 1:30 p.m. — Thursdays and Fridays are generally the days I treat myself to lunch from a nearby food hall. I stroll inside with a coworker, and we decide on sandwiches. Normally, their wraps are an obscene $14, but on Thursdays, they have an $10 special on everything. Of course, I pick out the wrap that is $1 extra. After tax, my bill comes to $11.98. My coworker and I eat together and dish on my resignation. I am relaxed at lunch for the first time in months. After eating, we take a look inside the chocolate shop in the food hall. They have the cutest chocolate mini-champagne bottles that I've always needed an excuse to buy, and I decide that there's no better day than today to buy them. I pick up two ($6 each) - one for me, one for my sister, who I'm visiting this weekend. $25.05 5:30 p.m. — Everyone in the office ducks out early for a holiday party hosted by the building for all the tenants. There's loud music, dancing, and most importantly: free food and drinks. I have a white wine, a mulled wine ... another mulled wine, and two pieces of pizza. I'm skeptical this will fill me up for dinner, but it's certainly delicious. An hour into the party, I call it a night and take the subway into Manhattan. 7:40 p.m. — My roommate and I meet at our favorite Mexican place for a celebratory drink. Me quitting my job is almost as exciting for her as it is for me, because she's had to spend the last six months consoling me. I order two tacos and a Paloma, and she gets a taco salad and tequila on the rocks. We split the bill and walk home. $29.22 Daily Total: $54.27 Day Six 8 a.m. — I'm taking a mental health/work-from-home day. I love how getting up at 8 feels luxuriously late. I chat with my roommate as she gets ready for work, and I make a cup of tea, eat a banana, and take a shower. 10:45 a.m. — After reading a few emails, I walk around the corner to CVS. I pick up makeup, deodorant, toothpaste, and movie theater candy for my Secret Santa. Normally, I have a bunch of coupons, but today I'm coupon-less and paying full price. Damn. $33.12 12:10 p.m. — I'm starving and a little headachey. I realize I haven't had any coffee yet, so I make a cup from our Nespresso machine and my headache dissipates. Last night, my mom texted to say that she and my dad have a box of cookies for me at their apartment. I walk over to pick them up since they live a few blocks away from me. On my way home, I stop in Pret A Manger to buy a sandwich, as I don't have any lunch food at home. $8.15 2 p.m. — After a 30-minute work conference call, I take the bags I packed this morning and walk to the subway to get to Penn Station. I get there with about 20 minutes to spare before my train, and it's a nice change from frantically running through the station. I buy a one-way NJ Transit ticket to Philadelphia. Off to see my big sister! $26 5:30 p.m. — I get to Philadelphia, and per my sister's instructions, take a trolley to meet her at a restaurant. The trolley ticket is $2.50. The trolley system is so confusing compared to the New York subway; there is no way to know where you are because they don't announce each stop! I somehow manage to get off the trolley at the right stop, and walk across the street to meet my sister and her coworkers for dinner. Two glasses of wine and a few slices of pizza later (the four of us split the bill — $29.56 each, including tip), she and I walk back to her place. $32.06 Daily Total: $99.33 Day Seven 9 a.m. — We sleep in a bit and wake up to a winter wonderland! We each have a bowl of cereal in my sister's kitchen, get dressed, and decide to walk through the snow to get coffee. When we get to her favorite coffee place, there are no seats available; looks like everyone in the neighborhood also wanted a picturesque morning! We walk a few more blocks to a vegan doughnut shop and each get a coffee. I also order a cinnamon sugar doughnut, and she orders a lemon raspberry. I pay for both of us. $9.18 10 a.m. — We make a few stops on the walk back to my sister's place, including to a little bookstore, a pet store (sooo tempted to adopt one of the kittens in the window), and her food co-op. She buys groceries so we can make lunch, and insists on paying. 2 p.m. — After we make lunch (rice, beans, and veggie stir fry) and eat a few too many of the cookies my parents gave us, we walk around the corner to watch a free choral performance in the outdoor pavilion of a gardening store. Super cool! 6 p.m. — We spend a few hours warming up in her apartment, then take the trolley ($2.50) into downtown Philly to check out a huge ice rink and winter lodge set up by the river. It is so beautiful and festive, and “All I Want For Christmas Is You” plays about three times in a row. I am in heaven. We warm up next to a fire, then walk into the most Christmas-y looking pub we can find for dinner. Feeling a cold coming on, I order a hot toddy (sister does, too) and am shocked at the low price of $7.50. “Welcome to Philly!” my loving sister taunts. I get a hamburger, she gets fish and chips, and we each get a drink called “Festive Fashioned” after our hot toddies. This spin on the Old Fashioned is a price I'm more used to, $11. Totally worth it. We split the bill. $40.70 8 p.m. — I need to buy another ride on the trolley to get home, and my sister suggests I buy two trolley tokens for $4 instead of one trolley card for $2.50 in case we ride the trolley tomorrow. I'll say it again: the Philly subway/trolley system is confusing. $4 9 p.m. — We get home after an extraordinarily snowy and festive day, and call it a night — happy to be cozy and warm together. Daily Total: $53.88 Money Diaries are meant to reflect individual women's experiences and do not necessarily reflect Refinery29's point of view. Refinery29 in no way encourages illegal activity or harmful behavior. 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