#i can’t lie to myself and act like I’m the same kind of person things Can get better for

[cocainecowgrrl]

womp womp

[rispwr]

she's not me - JK - FF - ONE SHOT (M)

pairings : ex!jk x ex!fem!reader

sypnosis : He said he moved on, but why does your toothbrush still stand next to his, even when he has "someone new" already?

genre : ex2l, cheating, smut, fluff if you squint

content/warnings : oral(male recieving), smut, making out, bitch!oc, oc is not very nice, blowjob, missionary, lingerie, cheating! jk and oc.

disclaimer : this fic is completely fictional, i do not know any of the idols personally nor assuming that this is how they act in real life. this fic is for entertainment purposes only

People think they know what it’s like to have everything. They think it must be easy, having the world at your feet, getting anything you want with a single demand. Well, they’re right. It is easy. Easy, effortless, perfect—just how I like it. 

And Jungkook? He was no different.

From the moment he laid eyes on me, he worshipped me. He bought me anything I asked for, made time for me whenever I needed him, and spoiled me in ways even my parents never could. He used to say I was everything he ever wanted, everything he couldn’t resist. But that’s the thing—people always want you until they can’t have all of you. And when Jungkook realized just how much it took to keep me, he broke. He said I was “too much.”

I laughed at him. Too much? He knew who I was from the beginning, knew that I don’t do “less.” I don’t tone it down. I don’t bend for anyone. He thought he could change me, make me softer, more agreeable, more manageable.

Pathetic.

So he left. Said he needed space, that he couldn’t handle my demands anymore. I told him to go, told him I didn’t care. If he couldn’t give me everything, then I didn’t need him. There’s always someone else who can. At least, that’s what I told myself.

Yet here we are—him, in my apartment, like nothing’s changed.

I stand at the foot of my bed, my arms crossed as I watch him pace around the room like he’s trying to convince himself he shouldn’t be here. But he is here. And that says more than any of his excuses ever could.

“You really thought you could move on from me?” I taunt, my voice dripping with amusement. “Please, Jungkook. You know how this works. You always come back.”

He glares at me, his jaw clenched tight. “You think this is funny? You think this is some kind of game, Y/N?”

I roll my eyes. “Oh, come on. Don’t act like you’re the victim here. You knew exactly what you were getting into from the start. You chose this.”

“You haven’t changed at all,” he mutters, shaking his head. “Still the same spoiled, selfish—”

I cut him off with a smirk. “And yet, here you are.” I take a step closer to him, watching the way his body tenses as I invade his space. “If you really hated me so much, you wouldn’t be here. But we both know why you came.”

He doesn’t answer, but I can see it in his eyes. He’s struggling, caught between the version of himself he wants to be and the one he can’t escape. The one that always finds its way back to me. He’s with someone else now, or at least, that’s what he’s told everyone. He’s “moved on.” He’s “happy.” But if that’s true, why did he come here tonight? Why did he show up at my door, knowing exactly what was going to happen?

Because I still own him. No matter who he’s with, no matter how much he tries to deny it, he’ll always come back to me.

I run my fingers along his jawline, feeling the tension beneath my touch. “You’re still mine, Jungkook. You can lie to yourself all you want, but we both know the truth.”

His breath hitches, and for a moment, he falters. I can see the struggle in his eyes, the fight between wanting to leave and wanting me. But it doesn’t last long. It never does.

Without warning, he grabs me, pulling me closer, his hands rough against my skin. He’s angry, frustrated, but I can feel the need beneath it all. This is what he wants. This is why he’s here. And no matter what he says, I know I’m still in control.

I don’t even have time to smirk before he’s on top of me, his lips crushing mine with a desperation that’s almost laughable. He hates me, or at least, he wants to. But that hate only makes him want me more.

I give in, letting him take what he needs, because this is what I wanted from the start. He thinks he’s the one in control, that he’s the one making the decisions, but the truth is, he’s doing exactly what I want him to.

And then, just as I knew it would happen, the sound of his phone interrupts us.

His body goes rigid, and for a second, I think he’s going to stop, going to pull away and regain whatever shred of dignity he thinks he has left. But he doesn’t. He keeps going, ignoring the buzzing in his pocket as it continues, relentless.

I smirk against his lips, pulling back just enough to whisper, “Your girlfriend’s calling.”

He freezes, his breath heavy against my skin. The phone keeps buzzing, the screen lighting up with her name. I glance down at it, the smirk never leaving my face.

“You gonna answer that?”

He doesn’t respond, but I can see the guilt flicker across his expression. It’s almost endearing, how he still tries to pretend like he’s better than this. Like he’s not exactly where he wants to be.

The buzzing stops, and for a moment, there’s silence. But I’m not done yet.

I brush my lips against his ear, my voice soft but biting. “You’ll really always come back, won’t you? No matter how many times you try to run, no matter who you’re with… you’ll always end up here. With me.”

He’s silent, but the look in his eyes tells me everything I need to know. 

The phone buzzes again, and this time, I laugh. A low, mocking sound that cuts through the tension between us.

“You should really answer her, you know. She might start wondering where you are.” I pull away from him completely, walking toward the bed with a casual grace that I know drives him crazy. “Or maybe you’d rather stay here. With me.”

Jungkook doesn’t move at first. He’s still standing there, conflicted, torn between two worlds that are pulling him in opposite directions. I can see it in his eyes—the guilt, the frustration, the longing. He wants to leave. He should leave. But he can’t. He never does.

And that’s the thing about Jungkook. No matter how much he tries to fight it, no matter how many times he tells himself he’s done, he’ll always come back.

Because I’m the one thing he can’t let go of.

I sit down on the bed, crossing one leg over the other as I watch him wrestle with himself. The phone buzzes again, louder this time, as if it’s demanding an answer. But he’s not going to pick it up. He’s not going to leave.

Jungkook’s phone buzzes again. This time, instead of ignoring it, he lets out a frustrated sigh and pulls it out of his pocket. His eyes flicker to the screen, and for a moment, I think he’s going to silence it like before, but then his thumb hovers over the answer button.

Interesting.

He presses it and brings the phone to his ear, his voice changing, softening in a way that makes me roll my eyes.

“Hey, Sewon,” he says, his tone so calm, it’s almost disgusting. “Yeah, I don’t think I’ll be home tonight… I’m at my mom’s house. She’s sick, so I’m staying over to take care of her.”

I arch a brow, barely able to hold back a laugh. Your mom’s house? Of all the lies he could’ve told, he picked that?

He glances at me while he speaks, and I can’t help but smirk. His lies are so obvious, so transparent. Sewon must be a fool if she buys this.

“I know,” Jungkook continues, running a hand through his hair, trying to sound convincing. “I’ll check in tomorrow, okay? Don’t worry about me.”

He nods as if she can see him. “Yeah, love you too. Get some rest.”

When he finally hangs up, there’s a brief moment of silence between us. The phone in his hand feels like an invisible weight between the two of us, heavy with the guilt and deceit that’s been left hanging in the air.

And then, just like that, he tosses the phone onto the dresser and turns back to me. His eyes darken, the softness from his voice with Sewon gone in an instant, replaced by the hunger that’s always been there. The one he can never hide when he’s with me.

I laugh quietly, shaking my head as I lean back against the pillows, propping myself up with my elbows. “Your mom’s house?” I mock, biting my lip to keep from outright laughing. “That’s the best you could come up with?”

Jungkook doesn’t respond. He doesn’t need to. The look in his eyes says everything.

He crosses the room in two quick strides, grabbing me with a possessive force that sends a thrill through my body. He pulls me to him, and before I can say another word, his lips crash against mine.

There’s nothing soft or gentle about the way he kisses me this time. It’s desperate, raw, and full of frustration—everything that’s been simmering between us since the moment he walked through the door.

The kiss deepens, and I feel the heat radiating between us. Jungkook’s hands grip my waist, his fingers digging into my skin, igniting every nerve in my body. I can taste the urgency in his kiss—the need, the desire, the pent-up frustration from the distance we’ve kept between us.

He pulls away just long enough to look me in the eye, and I can see the battle raging inside him. “i shouldn't be here” he says, his voice a low growl. But there’s no conviction behind his words. I can see the truth lurking just beneath the surface.

“you shouldn't..” I reply, my tone dripping with confidence as I pull him closer. “but aren't tired of her?”

With a sudden burst of determination, Jungkook’s hands slide down to the hem of my dress. In one swift motion, he tears it away, the fabric ripping apart like it’s made of paper. The cool air hits my skin, sending chills down my spine, but the thrill of being exposed to him makes me gasp.

My lingerie, black lace and delicate, is now the only thing standing between us. I can see the way his eyes darken, the way his breath hitches as he takes in the sight of me. I can feel his desire, raw and intense, radiating from him.

“God, Y/N,” he breathes, his voice thick with lust. “You drive me insane.”

And just like that, I know this is what he wants—what we both want. The boundaries of our past and present melt away in the heat of the moment, and all that matters is the connection between us, the electric tension that fills the room.

I can’t help but smirk as I lean back, teasingly inviting him to explore what’s beneath my lingerie. “Then stop talking,” I whisper, “and show me just how insane I make you.”

"take this off, please" i whined "desperate that much? all for cock?" he hissed under his breath chuckling "your cock" murmured breathly. 

"unbuckle it then. show me how much you're a slut for this cock" he demanded me. ofcourse our sex was always great, no matter what happens he'll always come back to me. i got up on my knees and start unbuckling his belt while keeping eye contact.]

i palm his obviously hard bulge teasing him. "Feel this? It's just for you." he mutters "ofcourse it is" i give him a look "who else is it supposed to be for?" i laugh hysterically, enjoying every moment i'm in control. 

I slip his pants and boxers down in one smooth motion, exposing him fully. His breath hitches as I continue palming him, watching his reactions with satisfaction. His head tilts back slightly, his jaw clenched in restraint, but I can see how much control I have over him in this moment.

"That’s right,” I purr, my voice low. “No one else can make you feel like this.”

Jungkook lets out a low groan, his hands gripping my waist, pulling me closer, but I keep the pace slow, teasing him. His frustration is palpable, but that only spurs me on. I love seeing him like this, powerless beneath my touch despite how dominant he tries to be.

"You're enjoying this way too much," he mutters through gritted teeth, his eyes narrowing at me.

I laugh softly, leaning in just enough to whisper in his ear. "And you're going to let me, aren’t you?"

For a moment, there’s only the sound of our breathing, the heat between us overwhelming. His hand moves to the strap of my lingerie, tugging at it roughly. “Take it off,” he demands, his voice a growl, filled with need.

I look up at him, my eyes glinting with defiance. “Make me,” I challenge, knowing full well what it’ll do to him.

The tension between us crackles

His eyes flash with a mix of frustration and desire, and I can feel the heat radiating off his body as he grapples with the control he’s trying to maintain. “You think you can play games with me?” he challenges, but there’s a smile tugging at the corners of his lips, betraying his eagerness.

With a swift motion, Jungkook grips the strap of my lingerie and pulls it down, exposing my skin to him. The cool air sends a shiver through me, and I let out a soft gasp. His gaze darkens, drinking in the sight before him, and I can’t help but feel empowered by his reaction.

“Good girl,” he murmurs, a hint of pride lacing his voice as he watches me, eyes burning with hunger. “Now, let’s see how much you really want this.”

I bite my lip, reveling in the control I have. I shift my weight back on my knees, arching my back just a little, offering him a glimpse of everything he craves. “You want me to beg for it?” I tease, my tone laced with playful challenge.

He chuckles darkly, shaking his head as if to say he’s not going to give in that easily. “I want you to show me, Y/N. Show me how desperate you are.”

With a sly smile, I lean forward, keeping my gaze locked on his as I lower my mouth to his hardness. I let my breath ghost over him, the teasing anticipation making his muscles tense even more.

“Feel this?” I ask, my voice sultry as I glance up at him. “she can never ever make you feel this way”

“uhuh- y-yeah” he retorts, his voice strained.

I laugh softly, enjoying the way my teasing drives him wild. The power shifts back and forth between us, but for now, I hold the reins.

I wrap my hand around him, giving him a few teasing strokes. His eyes widen, and a groan escapes his lips, making my heart race. The rush of power I feel is intoxicating, and I lean in closer, taking him in my mouth slowly, savoring the moment as I begin to work him with my tongue.

“God, Y/N,” he gasps, his hand threading through my hair, encouraging me to take him deeper. I can feel him fighting to maintain control, but the way he pulls me in tells me he’s losing the battle.

I look up at him, watching the way his face twists in pleasure. “You love this,” I whisper, pulling back just enough to let my words hang in the air between us.

“Don’t stop,” he growls, the command wrapped in desperation. “You know I can’t resist you.”

I smile, knowing I’ve pushed him just where I want him. The thrill of our back-and-forth dance adds another layer of heat to the moment, and I relish in the chaos we’ve created.

With renewed determination, I take him deeper again, swirling my tongue around him while my hands continue to work his length. The sounds he makes spur me on, igniting the fire within me, and I can feel my own body responding to the thrill of the moment.

“God, Y/N, i-i'm cumming” he admits, breathless and raw, his eyes wild with need.

I pull away slightly, my lips glistening. “Then don’t. Let go,” I encourage, my voice low and sultry. “I want to see just how far you’ll go for me.”

His breath catches at my words, and I can see the battle within him intensifying. Jungkook's eyes darken with a mix of desire and urgency, the tension crackling between us as I watch him teeter on the edge of control.

“You’re insane,” he mutters, his voice rough. “Do you know that?”

“Maybe,” I tease, a playful smirk on my lips. “But you love it.”

Before I can say anything else, he grips my hair tightly, pulling me back up to meet his gaze. The sudden shift catches me off guard, but there’s a wild glint in his eyes that sends a thrill down my spine.

“I want you, Y/N,” he growls, and it’s a statement, not a request. “Now.”

With that, he shoves me back onto the bed, his hands exploring my body with urgency. The way he caresses me is both rough and tender, his touch igniting every nerve ending as he hungrily takes in the sight of me beneath him. I feel alive, electric under his gaze.

“Look at you,” he murmurs, his voice low and laced with a possessive edge. “So fucking perfect.”

As he leans down to kiss me again, his lips find mine with a fierce hunger. I feel myself melting into him, our bodies pressing together, a collision of heat and desire. It’s intoxicating, and I can’t help but lose myself in the moment, all thoughts of Sewon and the outside world slipping away.

“Please, Jungkook,” I whimper, the need pooling within me, begging for release. “I need you.”

He pulls back slightly, his eyes searching mine, as if gauging my sincerity. “You really want this?” he asks, a hint of disbelief coloring his tone. “After everything?”

I nod, desperation spilling over. “You know I do. You always come back to me, Jungkook. We can’t fight this.”

He grits his teeth, his grip on me tightening. “You’re right. I can’t fight it.”

And just like that, he reclaims his dominance, his lips crashing against mine once more, the kiss deepening as he settles himself between my legs. I feel the heat radiating from him, the raw energy making my heart race faster.

“Then let’s stop pretending,” he murmurs against my lips, his breath mingling with mine. “Let’s give in to what we both want.”

With a swift motion, he pulls my lingerie down, leaving me completely exposed to him. The thrill of vulnerability sends shivers through my body, the anticipation of what’s to come making me dizzy with excitement.

“Jungkook,” I gasp, my heart racing as he moves closer, his warmth enveloping me entirely.

He leans in, kissing down my body, his lips trailing fire across my skin. Each touch ignites a desperate longing within me, pushing me closer to the edge. “You deserve this, Y/N,” he whispers, his voice low and raspy. “You deserve everything.”

His hands explore every inch of me, igniting sensations I’ve only ever dreamed of. The pleasure builds, a wave of heat that makes me writhe beneath him, and I can feel myself teetering on the brink, the tension coiling tighter and tighter.

“Jungkook, please,” I plead, my voice trembling with need. “jungkook..please- fuck!! i'm cumming- im cumming”

He looks up at me, his expression a mix of mischief and determination. “go” he commands, his voice deep and commanding, sending another wave of desire coursing through me.

With one swift motion, he positions himself at my entrance, and I can feel the heat radiating from him, the promise of everything I crave.

“wanna cum again?” he asks, searching my eyes for any hesitation.

I nod, my heart pounding. “yes! fuck- yes please!!”

As Jungkook fills me, a gasp escapes my lips, a mix of pleasure and relief washing over me. Every inch of him feels like home, like the part of me I didn’t know I was missing until this very moment. It’s intoxicating, the way he moves, his body melding with mine as if we were always meant to be this way.

He begins to move, slow at first, savoring the moment. Each thrust sends ripples of pleasure coursing through me, and I can feel the tension in my body tightening. My nails dig into his back as I pull him closer, urging him to go deeper, to give me more of what I crave.

“Y/N,” he breathes, his voice strained and filled with desire. “fuck. you're so tight”

I can’t help but smile, the rush of excitement and control coursing through me as he loses himself in the moment. “You like this, huh?” I tease breathlessly, my hips meeting his with every thrust. “You like coming back to me, even after everything.”

He groans, the sound vibrating through his chest and into mine, driving me wild. “I can’t help it. You drive me crazy.”

With each movement, the rhythm between us builds, and I can feel the way his body responds to mine, the way he lets go of everything else that exists outside this room. 

“More,” I whisper, my voice barely above a breath. “I want more, Jungkook. Don’t hold back. fill me up”

His gaze sharpens, and there’s a flicker of something dark in his eyes. “You asked for it,” he warns, but there’s no hesitation as he picks up the pace, his thrusts becoming deeper and more urgent.

The world around us fades away, and it’s just the two of us—lost in our own little universe. I feel every sensation magnified, the pleasure building with each movement, spiraling higher and higher until I feel like I might burst.

“Y/N,” he gasps, his voice thick with desire. “You’re so fucking perfect. I can’t get enough of you.”

I can feel my walls tightening around him, the pressure building, and I know I’m close. “Jungkook,” I breathe, my voice trembling with need. “I’m going to—”

“Let go,” he urges, his breath hot against my ear. “show me who's making you cum like this.”

His words push me over the edge, and with a cry, I let the pleasure take over. It washes over me in waves, pulling me under until I can hardly breathe, and I can feel him following me, the way his body tenses, the deep groan that escapes his lips echoing in my ears.

“Y/N!” he cries out, and the sound sends another rush of pleasure through me as we both ride the waves of ecstasy together. The connection between us is electric, and I can’t remember ever feeling so alive.

As we both come down from the high, Jungkook collapses beside me, panting heavily, his chest rising and falling with every breath. I turn to him, a smile spreading across my face, knowing that despite everything, we always find our way back to each other.

“See?” I tease, nudging him playfully. “I told you you’d come back.”

He chuckles, looking over at me with that familiar warmth in his eyes. “You make it impossible not to.”

And just like that, the playful banter flows between us, the tension easing as we bask in the afterglow of what we just shared.

But then, the moment is interrupted by the sound of a phone ringing, cutting through the air. Jungkook’s expression shifts, and I can see the annoyance etched on his face as he glances at his phone.

“It’s Sewon,” he says, and I can’t help but roll my eyes at the interruption.

“Shouldn’t you pick it up?” I challenge, raising an eyebrow, trying to gauge his reaction.

He hesitates, his thumb hovering over the screen. “I don’t want to,” he admits, his voice low.

“Then don’t,” I reply, my heart racing at the thought of him choosing me over her, even if just for a moment.

But Jungkook sighs, and I can see the conflict in his eyes. “I have to,” he says reluctantly. “She’ll worry if I don’t.”

“Why should you care?” I shoot back, frustration bubbling beneath the surface. “You’re here with me, not her.”

“I know,” he replies, running a hand through his hair. “But I don’t want to deal with her drama right now.”

“Then don’t,” I urge, my tone softening as I reach out to touch his arm. “Just be here. Be with me.”

He looks torn, glancing back at his phone before finally silencing it. “You’re right,” he says, his gaze locking onto mine. “I’ll deal with her later.”

I smile, feeling a surge of satisfaction. “Good. Now come here.”

He chuckles, leaning in to kiss me softly. “You always know how to get what you want, don’t you?”

“Of course,” I reply, smirking. “It’s what I do best.”

taglists : @crazyovayou @sinfullygay @minghaosimp @pitchblack0309

[dearweirdme]

Hi I’m new here so I’m not sure if you ever talked about this. However I want to talk about it to you because I like your take on certain things and want to know what you think of them.

The first one being, taekookers hating the company. I’m a taekooker and I personally never found myself hating the company. Dislike it for certain things, yes. Because from what I’ve seen over the six years that I’ve been a fan, taekookers love to hate the company for separating them majorly. I know there are instances where they seem like they don’t like it, I feel like after they’ve renewed their contract the separation thing has been a lot more on taekook’s terms. I do agree this separation has been a huge talk between both jkkrs and tkkrs but I don’t know why people can’t comprehend it might as well have been tkk’s choice.

Also I don’t know why they hold the company to such high standards . Sure the narrative started as, a good company that gave the artists freedom to compose their songs and explore but at the end of the day it’s just an agency and any agency’s ultimate aim is to make money. So if they find a gay couple within the company they obviously aren’t going to parade them. They were grasping at the straws too not knowing how to proceed especially since BTS was growing and gaining a lot more attention.

The second one is how this fandom can’t seem to accept every one of the BTS members act/lie to a certain extent. When your whole life is being filmed as content for others, why wouldn’t you lie/hide parts of yourself to protect as much of your privacy as you could? If someone points this out, the fandom goes crazy. “How dare you call them liars?” I’m sorry I’m just calling them humans, you are the ones putting them on pedestals turning them into saints.

I would like for the fandom to accept that they are humans too and it’s okay if they choose to hide/lie about certain things.

The third one, the way a lot of shippers of the maknae line ignoring(? Using this due to lack of a better word) JK. I’ve seen it on both the sides but I feel like it’s more prominent on the jkkrs side. JK is literally half of their ship but they seem to treat him as a puppet to the company or jm or tae. It’s all jkk or tkk until something doesn’t happen as they want and the next second JK is the villain. “He didn’t care about jm/tae.” As if the need to satisfy the shippers falls on him. Most of the time jkkrs only talk about JK when it’s a ship thing. I don’t think I’ve seen many appreciate him for his kindness, actions, talent. He deserves to be appreciated as an individual and not a fill-in for their sexual fantasies about jm or tae.

And finally, the over sexualisation. Sure a little bit of fun is fine but I hate how every single word, glance, movement of theirs is sexualised. The jkkrs turning the ramen talk ALWAYS into something else and the tkkrs over analysing certain things too. I’ve seen someone talk about how taekook’s pants were a lot loose and pulled down when they got out of the bathroom while hiding from jm during the water fight. JK was pulling his pants up the whole day! There’s nothing to sexualise it. And there a few tkkrs that take the moral high ground, blaming jkkrs over the ramen talk as well as the hickeys but would instantly do the same if the situation were reversed.

Hi anon!

I think I've probably talked about everything by now 😂.

I have a dislike of music companies in general. I think they are uncaring and they are in it for one reason and that is power and money. There are too many stories of artists being taken advantage of, of being abused, and of being put on a sidetrack for me to think music companies are actually there for the artists. I think the same of HYbe/BH. I think they have greatly overworked the members, I think there was no care for their mental health, I think they took advantage of young boys with big dreams.

Ofcourse hard work comes with the territory. It can not be expected that you get to the top and not work harder than anything else. Talent alone will not get you there. An artist will have to perform while being sick at times, that's not great.. but a whole lot of money is involved.. were an artist to easily cancel anytime they are sick a lot of fans will lose money some of them could barely afford to invest in getting tickets and accomodations. However, when your artists can barely walk out of a show. When they collapse as soon as they are out of sight.. and this is something that happens repeatedly. When an artist can only think of wanting to sleep for a longer period of time. When several members of a group have admitted to having had depression. That's a big concern and it shows that the company did not get them the care they needed.

I do not directly hate the company for hiding Tae and Jk. I hate society for their views on queerness. I think hiding Tae and Jk also protected them. But, what I dislike is the narrative they allowed to be created (and imo was a concious choice). People still think Tae and Jk were distant and awkward once. It's something people use to throw around hate. I think it hurt Tae and Jk to see that idea go around. It's the cause of a lot of fandom arguments.

Mmm, it's hard to talk about BTS membes and truthfullness, because it does get a lot of fandom discourse going. Ofcourse they don't always tell the truth. To protect themselves they have to lie at times. I mostly think members avoid direct lies, but will rather chose to avoid having to lie. There's a lot they hold back. An occasional lie will happen I believe... when they don't have a choice. If Tae and JK are actually together, their closet will be reason for them to lie. Fandom is unfair in wanting members to be honest always.. because a huge part of fandom can not be trusted with member's honesty and throw it right back into their faces. They want BTS members to be honest only if that honesty suits what they expect.. not if it goes against that.

I think outside of shipping spaces Jk has a lot of solo or Jk-biased fans. Within shipping spaces he's definitely used as some sort of prize to win. Jk is also the more subtle one out of vminkook I think, Jm is an extrovert and rather physically bold in showing his affections, Tae is bold in showing his preference for Jk in singling him out through his mentions and pics.. Jk does show his preference, but he does it in much more subtle ways, so it's less easy to exactly point those out (and people so often love the easy stuff).

Ah, there's obnoxious people in every corner of fandom. There's shitty Jkkrs and there's some that are... less shitty. There's great Tkkrs and there's also annoying ones. I think talking about how hot the members are is fine, but personally I have some boundaries on how far I go with that. I don't think we actually see them at their most private. I think at most we see signs of physicall attraction through looks.

[dialovers-translations]

Diabolik Lovers LOST EDEN ー Shin Dark [09]

ー The scene starts in Shin’s room

Shin: ...No point trying to play upon my emotions.

I won’t hold back, even if you cry.

Or rather, from the moment you decided to become my girl.

You made up your resolve...To carry my child, no?

You kept on being very vocal about how you wanted to get closer to me...for my sake.

But in the end, you were only just telling me what I wanted to hear, no? Ahーah...What a bore you are.

Hey, I bet deep down, you would have much rather hooked up with Nii-san rather than me, no?

Yui: ( The way he puts that...He’s going too far... )

Why would you say that...?

I thought you felt the same way about me...

Shin: ...

ーー Don’t be ridiculous.

Love and affection are something only humans can feel. 

Us Demons never had those kind of emotions to begin with. We act based solely on our instincts and desires.

That’s also the reason why I suck your blood or want to make a child together. 

Yui: No way...

Shin: I’ve only been playing along with this whole ‘couple’ play-pretend because it made you happy.

...Is that your only question? If there’s anything else you want to ask, I’ll give you an answer. 

Yui: ...

Selection

→ So everything up till now has been a lie? 

Yui: Then...Everything up till now has been a lie?

And that you’d love and treasure me was all just an illusion?

Shin: ...I guess you could say that?

Yui: I see...

( Everything was made-up. All of it...I was simply under the wrong impression. )

Shin: Oh geez, don’t look so disappointed. I honestly wouldn’t mind pretending to love you from here on out, if that’s what you want.

Yui: I don’t expect that from you, honestly...

→ I love you regardless (❦)

Yui: I...love you regardless, Shin-kun.

Shin: ...

Yui: I know you said that you’ve simply been doing everything to please me but...

I don’t believe that to be the case. I can’t believe that all the things you’ve done were me were all part of an act.

Shin: ...Or maybe you just want to make yourself believe that?

Yui: That’s fine with me. My feelings for you won’t change. 

Shin: ...

Yui: ( Oh no...I feel like I might cry if I stay here any longer. )

( I don’t want Shin-kun to think of me as a pain. ...I’ll go back to my room. )

I’ll go now, okay? See you...

ー Yui leaves

Shin: ...Fuck!!

*Rustle*

*THUD*

Shin: ( Worst case scenario, she could end up getting infected with Endzeit as well... )

( So right now, I have no other choice but to keep my distance. )

Damnit...!

*THUD THUD THUD*

Shin: Haah...Haah...God, what should I do...!?

How can I find out whether or not I’ve been infected?

( Even though right now, I should be thinking of the future of us Founders rather than my personal issues... )

I’m pathetic...Honestly.

ー The scene shifts to Carla’s room at Banmaden

Carla: ...So many unnecessary things.

I did not think I had written this much down.

*Rustle*

Carla: Hm...? This is...

...My memoirs. Now this sure takes me back.

*Flip*

Carla: To think I put this kind of thing together...How naive I was back then.

*Flip* 

Carla: I wrote about Shin, my Mother and my Father...

And about Uncle Ferzen as well...

ーー Speaking of which, Uncle vanished after being contracted with Endzeit, did he not?

...If I recall correctly, that happened before Shin was even born. Banmaden was not yet in lockdown at that time either.

...

ー One of the Familiars arrives

Carla: ーー A report?

What is it? What happened?

ー The Familiar reports

Monologue

Shin-kun told me that feelings such as love and affection,

are experienced exclusively by humans.

So all the times he’s been kind to me up till now,

he did not do so out of love (好き) for me. 

I want to believe that he was lying but,

the more I think about it, the more my mood sinks.

I want to know (知りたい)...what exactly goes on inside his head.

Despite feeling that way, I also find myself terrified,

of peering into his soul.

To try and distract myself,

from my heavy heart, I closed my eyes. 

ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー

[wave2tyun]

sooo, hello!!🥹💞 or welcome back!!!!

i don’t really know how to start this, at first i prepared a pretty long text because i wanted to explain why exactly i deactivated and what has been happening, but in the end i chose to scrap that and not get into in detail because it’s all related to my personal life and it's probably better to just keep that private, plus it’s some pretty heavy stuff as well, and i don't want to load that onto you. so this has kind of turned into a ramble instead amdbjdn

truth is that i have been struggling, a lot. october was one of the worst months mentally for me, which is when i chose to deactivate. at some point i did start slowly feeling better and i wanted to come back on here earlier than this but then things got worse🙂 like so much fucking worse😭😭 it’s still hard to believe and it still hurts and i almost can’t stop thinking about it, but looking back, i’m at least glad about getting through things the way i did- because i feel like the me one year ago would have acted and handled those situations so differently, or maybe i would have barely been able to handle them at all.

in the midst of it all, i started to lose my passion for writing. writing stopped being a form of escapism or a way for me to use my creativity. it just felt like a burden. whenever i wanted to write and opened up a doc i just felt paralyzed only by looking at it. i couldn’t get anything out, nothing for days on end. i felt like i was losing myself, in multiple aspects, not just writing, and the disappointment that overcame me only added more and more to my stress.

and i’m not going to lie, i’m still struggling a lot to write again :’) but i do want to give it another try. maybe it’s the fact that i first started out last year in december that is kinda making my heart tingle for it again andbjsns this period of time feels nostalgic:(

however, due to personal reasons (not regarding anyone on here, just to make that clear) i’d feel much safer and much more at ease to continue with a different username, i hope you guys can understand. i do feel very attached to my previous one but i really want to be able to post comfortably.

i do kind of regret deleting my other blog because of all the memories i’ve lost, but at the same time i’m also happy i did it because in a way it allowed me to fully choose to work things out and focus on myself without feeling burdened or rushed.

i don’t know how long it’s gonna take for me to post something new. i’ve been working on multiple things at once but the progress has been quite slow ambdkdn but at least it’s something!!!! so it might take a long time, it might also not. i don’t know, i’m just gonna let things be and let them happen whenever they happen. maybe you guys can also tell me some of the fics i should repost?? i won’t do them all at once cause they were quite a lot and that would clog up the tags anbdjdnd + i also need to proofread them again cause most of the time i’d do that directly on tumblr before posting🥲

soooo yeah. if you’ve read through this whole post, i really appreciate it!! :(<33 i’m happy to return on here while being in a better state, and if there’s anybody who would like to talk, do feel free to send me a message or an ask!! i’m still at home on winter break, but i will go on a trip pretty soon😔✊🏻 just so you know in case i might be slow with posting/replying!!

i hope 2024 will treat both me and you well. i hope it can be a year of growth and love, a year where we can freely let go and start anew. in a world where you constantly get beat down for everything i still want to choose to be gentle, sensitive, and soft. i love you guys!!!! :(💞💓💖💘💞💓💞

[praynobodyreads]

(Sept25)I use to be that person who wanted to write down all their thoughts, in hopes that it would be therapeutic for me. I put it off so many times because keeping myself busy seemed to work for a while; up until it didn’t.

It took a month in solitude to figure out that I’m no good at being alone. I don’t enjoy my own company and I have the worst thoughts since you left. I wish I was never dependent on you. It’s not your fault though. I fell in love with the potential I saw. I might be stupid for thinking I still see that light in you.

But I lost myself loving a version of you I never got to see. The same version that never existed and I miss it.

I don’t wanna waste another 6 years on anyone else.

If I could do it all over again, I would have spent more time on us. I would’ve laughed at your jokes more. Said yes to watching a moving with you or strolling to the store just for one drink. I would have followed you to all your haircuts. And I would’ve enjoyed every fucking second.

We haven’t even broken up yet, but for some reason I see it coming and there is truly, nothing we can do about it.

EDIT(SEPT26): a day later, he ends an almost 6 year relationship through text, in a different time zone.

Why did I know it was coming and why am I still surprised?

He was mostly kind to me. He would lie to my face, can’t communicate and I found that we were always stuck in a cycle. But he was kind. I use to admire that about him.

The way he started treating me the days before the end, he turned cold; distant. He wouldn’t reply to my texts or call me back. He’d make excuses about why he wasn’t able to talk to me. This isn’t him at all. I refuse to accept this version of him. I was his world so i was hurt and confused by the lack of respect and decency he showed me with the breakup. I could never understand someone who could act like the years you spent with them meant nothing.

The only thing I can think, is that you found someone there. I truly hope that whoever they are, you are happy. I’m gonna spend a while grieving the 6 years, constantly reminding myself that this wasn’t for nothing. This has to be a start to a new journey. Perhaps, finding who I am without you.

[dead-or-lie]

💗 Relationships / lovers

💚 Friends / family members

It's your turn to talk about the polycule, my friend.

—yes! I love these losers! Happy to answer!

“Hehe..all of them are so wonderful..s-so where should I-i even start? W-well me and Sonia have interests in common..s-so it makes her easier to talk to than I-i orionally thought..I-im glad she doesnt look at me weierdly for enjoying all the gore in the films we watch! S-she..is so kind and patient to me..I-im so thankful..”

“I-i..I kinda find Gundham difficult to talk to still because of h-his speeching style..but I-i think im slowly learning!! D-despite that..he can really be a nice person despite his act..hehe I-i wont lie his fears of horror movies i-is amusing, but ah! P-please dont tell him I said that! I-I hope we can get closer in this relationship..and heal him if he ever needs it!”

“I-I feel like a owe a lot to H-hajime for being so patient with me..I-I was so worried I was wierding him out! But he sticks with me all the same and even helps me when Im getting scared. I-I know he gets scared of my medical equipment though..s-so I try to be careful when I help him with injuries, rare as they may be. I-Im really happy with him!”

“Kazuichi..r-reminds me of myself in a way I-I cant explain..m-maybe because of how easily nervous we can get. I-i hope he isnt upset for comparing us..th-though I dont think he will be. Hehe, he rambles sometimes, but he is fun to talk to. Though..I-i do worry about all the mechanic work he does due to all the equipment he uses..h-he always comes to me if he gets hurt though which makes me feel useful and m-makes me happy!”

—---------------------------

“F-family….? Th-they..they are all just a bunch of bullies..I don’t know where they are now and I dont care….AH! S-Sorry if thats a disappointing answer!”

“Heh..I cant believe I got to have any partner..let alone four. Though..I definitely can’t complain as they all are..really important to me. Sonia seems to think that I match some sort of legendary hero in Noveselic..I-im not sure about that, but I mean..Ill try to do my best to reach that expectation? Ethier way, she is easy to talk to and really kind to boot. I hope to teach her more about Japan and learn about her country more in return.”

“Gundham certainly did take awhile to understand, but now that I do I wouldnt trade that bond we have now for anything. Im pretty glad I reached above being a mere human at least..Proud to assist him in making his soul more atrocious as his partner..and all those other things he said we were. It..feels nice to be one of his..’souls chosen companion.’”

“Mikan is..ah I got to be honest..I worry about her a lot. She is so kind and has told me enough about her that..I dont ever want her to be hurt ever again. I really hope that me and the others can continue to make her happy as she really does deserve it. Probably the kindest of all of us..even if her love for horror was somewhat shocking.”

“What is there to say about Kazuichi? He is my soul brother for a reason..and thinking back about our relationship makes me laugh as I did joke about going on a date once or twice. Guess I was right! He is a good guy and I’m always happy to help if he ever needs anything..though I gotta ask..how in the world is he strong enough to pick me up? Im..Im I really that light..? Whatever not important. I really do care about him..a lot.”

—-------------------------------

“..I wonder..i wonder what my parents are doing now if I can be honest..I can barely even remember what they look like. From..what I heard..Hopes Peak lied to them and told me I was dead after the Kamakura Project. Maybe I should be mad..but Im actually thankful for that one thing as we never got along. There expectations were so high for me and they always disrespected my identity and who I was..The closest family I got is Izuru..as..ugh this is annoying to admit, but I do see him as a brother. While we sometimes have conflicts..like he is persistent about keeping our hair long which is super annoying..but Im thankful to have them. Nice to have a family member..”

[wildsecuritywolf]

*sighs* Okay...I really didn’t want to say this, but I did hear that with Fuboo’s first defamation case being dismissed due to not enough evidence and bullshit, I heard that NOW she’s trying to pull the same shit with Queen Serafina from YouTube with a cease and desist letter via the lawyer from Twitter.

….I know I no longer talk to her and all that…but all I can say is….ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! WHAT IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM, woman?!

Your first defamation case got thrown out due to your lawyer’s incompetence with trying to “obtain” the identities of your victims from Twitter and let me tell ya, sister, for a lawyer that’s suppose to be very good at his job he sure as FUCK can’t be bothered to gather his research in full! Like, holy shit!

That’s like being better than fucking Ty Beard when it came to the Vic Mignona case and guess how he handle that situation??

And as for your “lawyer” I know that there are two things wrong with what he’s supposedly doing to Queen. And yes, I saw the video just now and uh, to that mother fucker, if you plan to send a cease and desist letter….PUT THAT KIND OF SENSITIVE INFORMATION IN A DAMN MANILLA ENVELOPE AND MAIL IT TO THE PERSON YOU’RE TRYING TO SUE OVER! You don’t screen shot that bullshit and send it to the accuser in question online, you fucking moron!! Also, the entire document itself sounds incredibly ridiculous! The way your supposed “lawyer” is trying to intimidate Queen Serafina is just downright bogus on all levels of stupidity.

And uh, the way I see it…aren’t lawyers suppose to uh…NOT FUCKING LIE when it comes to those types of legit cease and desist documents there? Because it looks like he is in all accounts. To James, you’re doing a piss poor job of trying to help out your client there, bucko. Even I can tell everything ya said is 100% all a pack of lies upon lies upon motherfucking lies. The way I see it…this case against Queen Serafina…you ain’t got shit!

Fuboo, you and your incompetent lawyer are willing to die on that hill against them??

Well if you are planning to do so…THEN GO AHEAD AND TRY! But you know fully DAMN WELL that that case is also gonna get thrown out and you’re gonna get laughed at once again.

Holy fucking hell! You’re like what…probably 40 or 40 something by now cuz I know you’re a few years older than me..and you’re behaving like this?! GROW THE FUCK UP AND ADMIT DEFEAT!

Your victims aren’t afraid of you…and ya know, way before the whole YBF stuff, you use to be cool, I use to enjoy the fact ya liked my Sebby and all that, and yes while I still loved the pics ya made for me years ago, I want to be VERY fucking clear…that I only cherished the past stuff, WAY before the creation of your game, and by that I only cherished about your interaction with my characters, our love for FNAF stuff and nothing more…with what’s going on now…there’s no way in hell I want to associate myself with you.

And I don’t care if you get mad at me for saying what I had to say…but I don’t regret it. Don’t message me, don’t contact me in anyway; until you own up and stop acting like a fucking child…I’m done with you.

Goodbye.

[taehyungfirst]

Sorry for the rant, feel free to ignore.

I love bts and I love all the members and I always have. But I can’t lie and say it’s not majorly disappointing when songs/works that seem like they least deserve it, end up with the awards or the records (though I’ve never personally cared for records much, awards are what’s actually important aside from the actual music of course, but kpop fabdoms are obsessed with records and numbers so it’s easy to fall into that)

Like I remember feeling it most strongly with dynamite. Sure it’s a fun song to listen and dance to, but it being the first bts song to be nominated for the Grammys? And it being their first song to land a #1 on the hot 100?

And I understand popularity, and success in the US specifically plays a role in this but that’s kind of my point.

The songs they quite literally poured their blood sweat and tears and that we can literally hear and feel every emotion from them will never achieve the kind of things songs like dynamite or butter do. And what’s worse, is that bts become recognized for those songs. And the reason for it is quite literally because of how close minded a lot of people in America are.

I feel like an anti for saying this, and that’s because of my disappointment and also due to the fandom calling anyone who thinks this way an anti, but it does get pretty frustrating especially when the fandom acts like certain songs are giant masterpieces when actual masterpieces made by bts exist.

I always tell myself it’s not that deep and who cares which songs are more successful because in the end, it doesn’t change who they are and what they do but then shit like bang od saying “we’re gonna focus on America” or whatever happens and it’s like “are you fucking kidding me?”

And it’s not that I have anything against jk (he’s literally in ny bias line and I’d feel the same way if it was any other member) but the idea of his most popular and successful work all being tied to that fucking man and those being the most successful soloist songs are so frustrating for me and they shouldn’t be but they are.

Like I love all of jk’s other music and he has one of the most beautiful voices I’ve ever heard, but it’s not those songs that are ever gonna get a lot of attention. It’s the ones he chose in America and the ones he’s tried on different people’s style rather than his own (since he’s still trying to figure out his, he’s said)

And that’s his choice and everything and as a fan I should respect that but it’s like…he has so much more potential than just being another basic American pop singer though that seems to be what he wants. It shouldn’t bother me but it does and I hate that, because who cares? He’s happy and it’s not like it’s bad music, so there shouldn’t be an issue. (But the kind of disappointment still lingers, and it hasn’t stopped since dynamite ngl. Like since dynamite a lot if things have happened with bts and now with their solo projects and if I’m being 100% honest, I saw that coming way back in 2021.)

Also here’s where I know I sound like an anti but it feels unfair that this English American produced and written by big names album will be compared with the other members’ solos by literally everyone.

Like they’re not on the same level at all in terms of promotion, and in terms of the target audience, but this fact will be ignored by everyone except for bitter antis but then those guys will focus on trying to prove “jungkook actually secretly sucks” (which is bs because he is insanely talented and he puts in so much effort into everything he does ) instead of the simple fact that “an album like golden is completely separate in every way from albums like jitb,indigo, face, d-day, and layover (and what ever Jin’s gonna come up with when he gets back)”

Idk maybe I am being one of those bitter people because I tend to be rapline biased (and v biased when it comes to vocal line) but I just don’t see it as a fair comparison.

The biggest music industry in the world is America and golden is made for America and American charts and American audience. Comparing it with albums not really made or advertised much outside of Korea/the Asian market doesn’t seem right.

And the thing is, Jungkook’s album would probably be one of the most successful even if it wasn’t mostly American or wasn’t targeting a western audience. The difference is that I wouldn’t have felt this way because yeah he deserves the success and it would be on the same level as the others.

But here, it feels weird. Because it’s not. Not pointing it out feels like anti behaviour, but also not saying so I don’t get criticized and hated feels like it’s a bit of a cult (if that makes sense)

I know I shouldn’t take this seriously and it’s usually easy for me to not get bothered and remind myself kpop isn’t worth all that, but sometimes things do get frustrating.

ESPECIALLY when you learn about all the sabotage certain members got from certain people/areas that other members did not.

Because several members did face sabotage or did unfortunately not receive the fandom’s full and proper attention or care and that too plays a major part in how the albums succeed, and also in how bothered I get.

Because nothing about this equal.

At the end of the day, all 7 of them are successful as a group and as soloists and they all deserve all the success and appreciation so there’s that I guess

Hi anon! First of all, sorry for the late reply, I was trying to let Jungkook’s album marinate a bit so I could clear my head about it too.

I wanna start saying that it IS unfortunate that most of BTS masterpieces will never get the treatment that the english trilogy got, and it pains me because their korean songs and lyrics are some of the most beautiful pieces we could get, but as you said, Americans— or better, the western industry is still full of prejudices and xenophobia, a korean song will never have the chance to shine like a full english one because the western industry doesn’t put them on the same level. And it’s awful, really. (Even though I liked Dynamite but that’s because it was a happy song that those times needed)

I don’t think it makes you an anti saying that, I don’t think it makes you an anti having a different opinion from the fandom (I’m a tae biased, I have lots of diff opinions and the fandom hates me for all of them ahaha), I didn’t care about charts either but ironically because of the success of the english trilogy, BangPd /Hybe had a Eureka moment and since that moment they tried to recreate that success in every way they could, with every group they could.

Regarding Jungkook, he told us he wanted to try different genres and wanted to become someone who could do multiple different things, I think he kinda succeeded in it with Golden (I say kinda because at the end of the day, he didn’t really try different genres but just pop and pop sub-genres), to be honest I thought he achieved that with Seven already, which was/is a smash hit, and because seven happened scooter obsession started, Bang pd money hungry ass got interested, and here we are. I do think Jungkook likes Golden, I don’t think that’s the best he can do, I don’t want him to think that if one day he’s gonna release a self-written album he should expect a different reaction/support for it, because western support is not the most important (i mean, look at Layover) and the US market is not the only big market in the industry (Asia markets are very big too)…

Because the fandom became very chart driven you will always see those kind of comparisons, even though they are unfair because it’s not the same promo, not the same company support, not the same radio push, versions, remixes, etc etc etc… So I’d say to ignore people who compare stuff like that, at the end of the day it’s just wasted energy and akgaes got lots of free time. But yeah, I hope one day the other members will have a smooth release day like Golden, without sabotage :)

[my-strange-attraction]

Man people really do be straw-manning you and then interpreting all of your arguments in the worst faith possible and acting like that makes them So Smart And Correct. I’m sorry you gotta deal with all these bozos with zero reading comprehension or critical thinking skills. Just wanna add because it’s been seriously bothering me and I don’t remember you ever bringing it up: one of the core tenets of the original op’s post that you responded to was basically ‘this identity is bad because I’m a lesbian and those people aren’t lesbians in the exact same way as me so they’re hurting the lesbian community because I don’t want to see them when they don’t share all of my experiences and (gasp!) talk about men and their relationship to men sometimes because *I* don’t want to hear about men’ and I just. Idk man if that’s what his argument boils down to its kind of a shitty argument. Even ignoring all of the terf rhetoric (which you correctly pointed out) I can’t even begin to understand why someone would want to be in a queer community where everyone fits into neat little boxes and everyone with your label experiences their orientation exactly like you. Aren’t they forgetting that the whole point of the queer community is that larger society attempted to put us in boxes we didn’t want to be in and categorize us into labels and lifestyles we didn’t want? Why would someone ever parrot the actions of our oppressors and do that to other queer people, when they know what it feels like? I can’t even fathom being that selfish and closed minded

>your argument is chock full of straight up lies  Love how this was said in response to your rebuttal of an argument that CONTAINED ITS OWN “STRAIGHT UP LIES”!! Like pot meet kettle lol. Specifically referring to that one bit that was like “uwu bi women tried really hard on purpose to distance themselves from the lesbian community” because that is straight up not what happened!! I haven’t said anything yet but it’s been bothering me for a while and that one ask has so much fucking Audacity that I couldn’t stop myself from Pointing It Out this time. Ahistorical bullshit and they’re accusing YOU of lying. The audacity of it all I can’t

Anyway these guys are just mad that bi lesbians get more bitches than they EVER will. I heart bi lesbians I love you bi lesbians I hope y’all stay winning mwah <3

I'm assuming these are all from the same person because of the timing? If not, sorry for not doing separate responses.

Yeah, this whole thing has been pretty frustrating to be honest. In a way it's even worse than actual terfs, because these are people who are philosophically not that different than I am, and if we met in real life we probably wouldn't even know that we disagree. I mean, I do talk sometimes about label anarchy with some of my friends, but we have to be close and you have to get me in a philosophical mood. It's really frustrating to be openly disrespected as a person for one opinion that, though it does happen to be really important to me, doesn't come up in my everyday life (or, likely, theirs either).

The whole pronoun thing really got to me too. I KNOW they were just strawmanning, and I KNOW it wasn't really a valid critique of anything I said, but the suggestion that I would even consider purposely using the wrong pronouns for someone is upsetting. I don't think he even noticed before an anon pointed it out as a way to invalidate my argument. I don't think it upset him (or the anon) as much as the anon said it did. I still apologized though because I'm not going to not apologize for using the wrong pronouns.

Also I know jack shit about history because it doesn't stay in my break but yeah actually I do remember reading about that! That's crazy, I can't believe they called me a liar when they don't know their history. I mean, I don't either, but at least I'm honest about it.

Thanks so much for sending these messages! Not gonna lie, I was going a bit crazy with all this and the only anons I was getting until now have been the hate ones that I've shared and a few hate ones that I just outright deleted. I know people agree with me because I've seen the likes on my posts, but it's nice to have someone defending me as well, so thank you <3

[chalterdh22]

Chapter 20: Who’s up for Some Training?

When I awoke the next day, I was in the cabin alone.  I went outside, wiped the sleep out of my eyes in the brightly lit sunshine, looked around and didn’t see Din nor Grogu.  I shrugged and went inside to freshen up.  I looked at myself in the mirror and heard a small commotion coming from outside.  Not a bad one, just some noise.  I took a step back and peaked out the tiny window.  I saw the kid hopping super high from one rock to another while someone was trying to catch him.  They both were laughing, which made me smile, but who was this? 

I squinted again and, oh shoot, it was Din, but he didn’t have his helmet on.  Crap, crap!  I thought.  I whipped around as if I caught someone doing something they shouldn’t have.  Then, of course, curiosity got the better of me.

I leaned over to peak again, and there Din stood.  Just like any other normal man.  Brown hair, brown eyes, facial hair and, wait, is that a smile?  I must have had the dumbest look on my face as I just stared at a man who I knew well but didn’t know at all!  The more I watched them playing, the more my heart seemed to warm up.  It tingled with this soft, sensitive calmness.  It was like watching my family who I have known forever, but barely got to see.

And again, to see Din so clearly, wow.  I can’t lie and say I didn’t find him attractive.  It might have been his looks, the way he played with the kid, or the fact he’s so mysterious, but I definitely felt some attraction to him.  I haven’t felt that in a long time, especially since I haven’t been in too many relationships.

As I finished cleaning myself up, I went out to the front and coughed loud enough I thought so they could hear me.  I didn’t want to impose on their time.

I heard steps getting closer to the front porch area.  “Look who finally woke up kid?” 

“Gaaah.”  He jumped up right onto my lap.

“Hey buddy!  Did you sleep good too?  I did!”  I scratched the top of his head. 

“That’s good you slept well.  We didn’t want to wake you.” 

“Thank you.”  I softly said to him.

Din looked at me.  “Are you ok?”

Wow, was I that that obvious?  I don’t know why I’m acting quietly around him suddenly.  He’s the same person I’ve been with this whole time.  Pull it together girl!!!

“I’m still just waking up is all.  How long have you guys been up?”

“A few hours.  We wanted to let you rest, so we went out back for a while.”  Yeah, I know, I was thinking, a little smile appearing on my lips.  “What?  Why are you smiling?”

“Why are you so observant all of a sudden to human emotions?”  I all but yelled.  He took a step back and looked at me.

“Are you…. mad at me?” 

I stood up with the kid.  “No, sorry.  I’m not mad at you.  It’s just……”

“What?”  I looked down at Grogu, who seemed to understand my broken language.

“I’m just not feeling like myself since meeting Luke.”  I put Grogu down, who was still looking up at me.  I smiled at him.  He seemed to be the only thing to understand me completely.

“Well, is there anything I can do to help?”

“No, not unless you can help me make my mind a little stronger or help me learn how not to hurt the ones, I love….”  My voice trailed off at the end.  I didn’t really just say love, did I?  Oh, for crying out loud!

“No, no I can’t help with that.  But I can help with some other kind of training if you want me to.”

I shrugged again.  I didn’t really know what I wanted.  A part of me wanted to just go back home and a large part wanted me to stay here.  And as if he could suddenly read my mind, “I’m not taking you back home.”

I stared at him doe eyed.  Ok, he is really on top of his game today.  “Ok, I’ll take you up on that offer.  What would you be able to teach me?  I’m not wearing all that armor you are, so what have you got?”  I challenged back at him.  I also realized I was being rude to a guy who already has social issues.  I put my hand up to my chest and said, “I’m really sorry.  I’m not trying to be rude to you.  I’m just super confused and unsure, and that’s not like me.”

I looked straight at him, hoping he could see my sincerity.  “It’s fine.  I know it can be hard sometimes finding yourself.  I went through that at one point.”  He paused a moment.  “But I do think I can train you on fighting, defensive maneuvers and other skills that you could use.”

“Thanks Din.  I appreciate it.  What about you, kiddo?  Can you teach me anything?  I sure hope so.”  I knelt down and ruffled his head. 

“Patu.”

“What is that?  I’ve heard him say that a few times now.”

Din shrugged.  “I’m not sure.  I’m not sure it’s anything.  Maybe one day we’ll find out.”  He looked down at him.  “Grogu.”  He looked up at his dad.  Din put his arm out and the kid high jumped right into it.  Din looked at me.

“What?  I still think you treat him like a pet!”  Din tilted his head and shrugged again.

“I think he’s fine.”  He started walking off the porch area into some open land.  “Now, let’s see what you got.”  I gulped, suddenly getting nervous again.

[lemistired]

Essay- Untitled (again)

I don’t like naming things, I’m bad at it. 

I’ve been in a little bit of a slump for a bit now, my anxiety is getting really bad again, like I’m fighting to leave the house every time I have to. The other week I near enough downed 3/4ths of a bottle of vodka and of course i then saw that same bottle twice. I didn’t even expect that to happen, that’s the funny thing. My asthmas also been acting up like CRAZY cause how humid the air is and how much pollen there is, I hate that my lungs are as sensitive as they are, they can take a lot, but when it hits them it hits them hard, I should really tell them they’re doing a good job from time to time. ANYWAYS this is essentially just a vent that I’ve been adding to when things get a lot, and I’ve decided I’m done with this one cause it’s hard to have any literary flow when you’re in bits. 

People go on about how wonderful life is, yet have you ever found someone who isn’t simply drifting?

I mean yeah, I have these hopes and aspirations, but they’re more like rough suggestions. I don’t even know what I’m doing tomorrow, you can’t even say I’m taking the day as it comes because that’s a blatant lie, I’m simply going through the motions I’ve rehearsed a million times before this.

There is no escape from anything anymore. Alcohol simply allows you to sleep without a plagued mind, gradually your tolerance is getting higher though and the four cans of cider and a shot of vodka doesn’t make you drowsy anymore like it did the first time you drank; you keep drinking trying to get that same effect until suddenly you’ve gone through half a bottle of gin. You know it’s getting bad again when you’ve had a hard day and your first thought is to down some whisky, that’s my drink of choice when the days been rough. If I want a good time having rum usually goes down well, but sometimes the familiarity of that burn going down, setting your chest ablaze, is exactly the kind of comfort you need. Your mornings have started to consist of thinking about clearing away those empty bottles in your room, yet your nights are filled with heavy eyes and a thick taste of regret lining your tongue.

Sometimes it’s not enough, so you try smoking a little, doesn’t matter if it’s a tobacco cigarette or an electronic one, sometimes it’s nice to feel like you’re drowning for a moment. You know you shouldn’t because it’s “shaving years off your life”, you’re asthmatic so you know you’ll feel it when you go into an attack about an hour later. Sometimes I find myself unable to get the oxygen to my lungs, my body is shaking as I’m slowly getting dizzier trying to choke back the nausea, my inhalers won’t work so I sit there rubbing my chest hoping to alleviate the pain.

I’ve lost my sense of identity now; I don’t know last time someone asked me about what my characteristics are and I didn’t fabricate something on the spot. One group thinks I’m some shy, kind, reserved person who cares too much about everyone, another thinks I’m a more head strong, argumentative person—they’re even scared to wake me if I fall asleep just in the off chance I’ll snap at them. My family thinks I’m the most responsible introverted person you can find. The only advantage to not having a set personality is I’ve gotten really well at masking everything. I think I was 12 when I started acting, none of my current friends fully know me as a result of this, I keep losing people due to my inconsistencies.

A few points of me have stayed consistent; I’m not cishet-- truthfully I’m always in a state of questioning, my life has always looked like a dark room with a phone light being the only source, hospitals are places that I hate yet still find comfort in—they’re familiar, I hate being alone—at least alone without access to at least text someone, I prefer the cold weather—there’s less people walking so you don’t have to hide as much.

I find my emotions are something that come in waves, you get a tiny ripple, then suddenly thousands of waves come crashing down so hard it hurts as it hits against your skin, eventually they calm and there’s nothing at all. When the waves still, I wouldn’t even call it content, it’s simply a grey area between emotions, you feel something, but it’s not positive, negative, or neutral. When the waves are thundering on for what seems like an eternity, it becomes so overwhelming nothing shows, but you feel it; the suffocating of being thrown under the water with no mercy, you’re struggling to know its pointless so you begin to let yourself drown, only for you to suddenly gain the ability to breathe underwater, it’s the only way you’d ever cope with it.

I’ve become sick of sacrificing everything the moment people ask it of me. I’ve never been a caring person, the habits have just become deep routed in me, if you see a glimmer of genuine concern or trust from me, you know I really care. Sometimes I ask simply because you look upset and I don’t want the day to be dragged down as a result, other times, I want to make you feel better. The way my life has always worked was I was the caretaker, but I was not the kind of person who would clean your wound with such care and give you treats after. I think back to arguments sitting with my brother, trying to convince him to allow me to take out broken fragments of plastic out of his hand with tweezers, the concern over taking me all you may see was aggression at first glance, but those who know me know that is how I care – it’s cold, violent, and upsetting, yet I’ll still touch you with gentle hands dancing over the injury, touch so light you may not even feel it.

On some not rare occasions, I find myself disgusted to be banded in with people, not because I dislike people, I simply feel beneath them, an imposter with subtle cracks showing through a true nature. My emotions lead me in a world shrouded in logic, it was never suited for people like me. I am simply a by-product from a war between obligation and negligence.

━  S

[essiekuko]

doll parts

and now i repel guys as easy as breathing. it naturally gets frustrating for a teenage girl, but u learn to appreciate it. i used to get along so well with boys in year 6 and year 7. i think that’s because those were my last years before being a teenager, the rawest and most unfiltered version of me before my life obviously went downhill. since then i started to lose connections with my guy friends and soon i found myself having absolutely none, and surrounding myself with a pure girl posse, until all i have is just one friend and, yes, she’s a girl. i think it started out like that, guys hating me/thinking i’m weird, when i developed an attitude of toxic femininity to mask my inner turmoils. the hoity toity diva who lives for drama. and that repelled the guys, cause that’s not what they want in a girl. SOME not ALL of them still feed into their natural instincts of wanting a kind, smart girl, who’s not mental. but now that i get it off my chest, i’ve completely let the persona take over my life and now it’s just me as a person, so i’ve learned that it never was a persona in the first place. it was who i’ve grown up into. i’ve become miss world, and the guys didn’t like that. i met this one guy who played into my miss world era back in year 9, he said it was admirable. had to tell him the hard truth. that fortunately made our friendship stronger and while i choose not to interact with him out of internalised guilt and regret over exposing myself and letting myself be so vulnerable, i know he understands. i’ve made peace with being miss world, just like how i’ll make my bed, and lie in it. i know there’s girls out there who’ve gone thru the same, and i love them for that. my love for fellow girls only grows since becoming miss world, since growing up. though there’s still that part of me that thinks that losing my connection to having guy friends hindered my growth overall, cause i didn’t get to see life from a male perspective. but come on, i have enough brothers as it is. so call me courtney love, i’m your extra dose of drama. your friends call you mother, but my friends call me mama. my last experience in the dabbles of romance was year 10, when one of my best friends’ boyfriends accused me of having a crush on him (spoiler alert: i did). we were in the same class, and i acted nice to him only because i loved my friend and appreciated that he made her happy. people don’t seem to love and appreciate the beauty of friendship like i do, a lot of people think it’s so one sided. i didn’t know that being nice to your friend’s bf (out of appreciation for the happiness they bring ur friend, mind u) was wrong. because it’s inherently right to mistreat and talk bad about ur friend’s bfs. they’ll always be better off without them, and the friend will always and can always do better. but female friendships are such a fickle thing. if ur bf is ugly, ur friends will demean u for it and always remind u just how atrocious they find him. but if he’s good looking, well, opposite story, and u best believe you’ll have to apply penitentiary lock downs to ur bf and friends because they WILL come after him. orrrrr they’d envy u and play the fake nice card. i have a heart too big for my own good, so obviously if u remember correctly, being miss world protects me from that. that friend and her bf broke up, apparently were very toxic to each other, but who am i to judge. and she never talked to me the same again after his accusation. he didn’t even say it to my face, our friend group had to weasel the truth out of her when she confessed to me the beliefs he told her. i was so shaken up bc that was the truth, but it’s not like i was actively pursuing him. and he knew, the damned boy knew. that’s not why i was nice to him at all. oh i love my friend so, and she has such good taste in guys, i can’t help but agree

[forestryfae]

“if you haven’t fucked in any way you’re a virgin if you have you’re not?? you can’t call yourself a virgin if you’re not” genuinely confused would you call rape victims virgins or would you consider that lying? i ‘lost my virginity’ bc of rape and categorically consider myself a virgin because i have never had consensual sex that i could enjoy, but i’ve had people say i’m lying by calling myself that which is why i ask

if you were raped you didnt fuck, being fucked implies consent. if you got fucked by a guy nonconsensually thats not being fucked, thats being raped. the main difference being that these are two entierly different things when theyre experienced. virginity is popularily talked about as a consensual act too, and losing your virginity is typically seen as a symbol of maturity and joy and something you wanted to do and looked forward to doing.

ofc theres the aspect where virginity is considered purity and innocence while not being a virgin is considered being a whore and tarnished and so on, but thats religious shit and im not religious + religion should not be the leading factor in a society-wide concept adapted in many different settings + its used to control peoples personal choices through shame + the only people who say that shit are weirdly obsessed with controlling what other peoples choices are, so fuck that.

theres also the ascpect where virginity is not only not having sex but also a lack of experience. you arent a virgin if you have fucked but you can be inexperienced. you dont have to lose your virginity from rape unless you personally feel it applies because rape doesnt involve the experience tied to having sex for the first time. sex is maybe scary or makes you nervous but should be a good experience of trust and fun. rape is violent and a horrendous act of intrusion on your very being.

basically you cant say youre a virgin if you have fucked. if youve only fucked once and lack experience youre still not a virgin by definition, virgin meaning youve never had sex. if youve consesually fucked someone, even if they were shit at it, you arent a virgin because by definition it doesnt apply to you. saying you identify as a virgin is at that point a lie because you have had sex if you fuck someone and neither of you cum that sucks but its still sex, technically, even if it didnt work as intended, so youre not really a virgin

if youve been raped you experienced something entierly other than consensual sex, so you can say youve lost your virginity because of rape if you want but i dont consider rape and sex to be the same act, even if it may overlap or look similar. being smacked across the face during any kind of BDSM because you asked them to do it for example is a completely different act than being smacked in the face by a someone on the street. intent matters and so does whether it was wanted or not.

the sex doesnt have to be PiV either, it can be oral, anal, mutual masturbation, etc, i would probably count clothed dry humping until you cum as a type of sex so youd lose your virginity that way too. anything sexual you do with another person that results in an orgasm, ideally, unless your partner was dogshit or you just didnt cum that time because you were giving a blowjob or whatever.

but i also think virginity is a really silly thing to be obsessed with as well, if you lose your virginity and you wanted to lose it then congrats on losing it, if you just wanted to try sex or youre a casual fucker then congrats on the sex. like literally it doesnt actually matter if it was your first time or not, it doesnt actually say anything about you as a person

the issue is when you lie and say you havent had sex when you have, and you arent doing it as a way to protect yourself (like in a religious setting or cult or just a culture thats very violent towards women). its also an issue if you tell your partner youre a virgin when youre not for like? three reasons?? first of all, if youre inexperienced just say that. youve fucked, youre not a virgin, dont lie to them, just be honest about your experience. secondly if your partner cares that much about whether youve fucked anyone else before them thats a red flag. its fine if its just a conversation topic obvs but if they start asking how many people youve slept with because they need to know whether youre "used" or "loose" or "a whore" or whatever thats not someone you wanna be in a relationship with. thirdly its just weird to lie about that for no reason fourthly if you have had sex you could potentially have an STD or something transmittable and you should be honest with your partner about that. if you have like chlamydia from a previous partner your sex partner deserves to know so they can make an informed decision and not get sick because you lied to them. ofc you can get some STDs without having had sex, like fungal or bacterial infections, but your partner deserves to know about that too. thats probably not as relevant though since thats something inherently tied to health and not virginity.

basically the conclusion is you cant say youre a virgin if youve done consensual sex acts with someone that resulted (ideally) in an orgasm. like. thats the base definition. a virgin is someone who hasnt had sex. having had sex means youve had sex. it doesnt make sense to have sex and lie to someone and say nah i havent had sex unless you are in danger if you dont lie. rape isnt a consensual sex act, its an act of sexual violence that looks similar. you cant lose your virginity from rape. you can lose your virginity from rape if youve been raped and you dont want to consider yourself a virgin anymore because of it for some reason, although you can change your mind about that too, but aside from that the definition just doesnt allow for it to be the same thing. sex needs consent, rape doesnt have that. different scenario

that and also its weird to lie about your virginity if youve had consensual sex because why would it be neccessary to hide your sexual history? why does what youve done with your body in the past matter so much to your partner that you need to hide it? like i still think its really weird to lie to like your friends or people in general about being a virgin but thats also a lot more harmless and doesnt really matter as much aside from like. making your weird for lying about it. but if youre lying to your partnerr about it thats a red flag, either for you for refusing to disclose your sexual history and like whether you have experience or potentially STDs, and for playing with your partners trust. like imagine youre dating someone and they tell you theyre a virgin but after a while you find out they arent. thats sketchy. why would they hide it from you? its also a red flag for your partner because if you have to lie to a person youre supposed to trust about something as inconsequencial as your body count you probably shouldnt fuck that person or be around them that much.

on top of all of that im a stickler for definitions and i just think its bad to water down the meanings of things, if something means something it means that thing. its like saying something is orange because its red or yellow. NOT! the same thing! thats entierly a different thing! being a virgin means you HAVE NOT had sex! if you have you arent a virgin! if you know basic math that doesnt make you a mathematical prodigy! if you just focused on something you needed to do thats not hyperfocus, you just focused! if someone just lied to you they arent gaslighting you! theyre just lying! words have meanings! its fine for language to evolve but words mean things and we shouldnt water down the meanings of old words just because we can! if virginity is a concept we wanna get rid of or alter we should be changing it in a way that makes sense! not lying about whether or not weve fucked for reasons that are inherently sketchy.

so yeah no being raped isnt the same as losing your virginity by definition. also i make all the rules forever so noone can tell me im wrong ever because i think this is how things should work. some people think of virginity as including rape and i think theyre dumb, so i refuse to consider them to be correct too.

[stolz-und-aufrecht]

Some of my (core) beliefs about myself & the world

Some of my (core) beliefs about myself and the world caused by my upbringing in a toxic family system. I work on changing the negative ones; but it’s hard.

Raise your hand if some of these resonate with you.

Trigger warning (death, suicide)

I believe that every person, regardless of their actions, deserves love in some capacity.

I am not allowed to be angry. Anger as an emotion does not exist for me. I never get angry at anything at all. I don’t feel it. I have the patience of a saint and then some.

I feel like I don’t belong here and the privileges of humankind do not extend to me. Because I don’t belong and I’m inherently flawed, I feel like I do not have the same fundamental rights as others. I, in contrast to others, have to work for them. I am, as a person, not good enough to receive them. They have to be granted to me by someone else.

Seemingly obvious facts (for example, “I am worthy.”, “I deserve to have boundaries.”, “I am allowed to disagree with someone.”, “Anger is normal.”) do not resonate with me. They feel wrong, like they don’t apply to me. Incorporating them into my personality and daily life makes me feel guilty; like I’m doing something I’m not supposed to do. I feel like an imposter trying to take things away from people if I asserts my so-called rights. I truly feel like I have none and do not deserve them.

Expressing my anger or disagreeing with someone would reveal to them that I’m, in fact, no human being, but three racoons in a trench coat pretending to be one.

One should have empathy for every living being, even for truly horrible people. No person is completely evil. There are reasons why they act this way. Because I’m quite good at sensing where their negative traits come from, I have compassion for them. Sometimes, too much.

One should treat every person with kindness, even, if one doesn’t agree with their opinions and life choices.

I feel like I was born to serve. That’s my only purpose. I was born to serve every person I come upon, regardless of what they want from me. They have a right to it. They have a right to me.

No one else is truly evil, but I am. If people were to see this dark, deep abyss inside of me, where I have hidden all my anger and frustrations, they would come to the same conclusion.

Going to extra mile for people is the norm for me. Even if they don’t deserve my care or help. It’s an automatic feature God created me with. One time I forgot to do something at work for a colleague and although she said that it was no big deal, I could do it tomorrow, I still ran 2 miles back to work to finish it. I commute an hour by bus from and to work and hoped out as soon as I got off the phone with her. On my sprint back to work I got shit on by a bird. Talk about signs.

Others are always right. I’m always wrong.

I can’t stand someone being angry with me.

I know nothing. I know too much. I never know quite enough to even qualify to speak up during a conversation.

If I disagree with someone, state my boundaries, or express my anger in any way, shape or form, I will surely lose control of myself and either start to cry, have a full-blown panic attack or destroy the person I’m talking to by releasing all my supressed anger on them. I can never let that happen. I would embarrass myself and give away that I about three seconds from going completely mental, and not the carefully constructed personality that they know. That woman who always smiles, is super kind to everyone, easy to get along with and has definitely not a tragic past with family members that are either dead or in jail.

I am not allowed to be myself. I can’t make friends or form genuine connections. I must lie because no one really wants to know me. They say they do but will judge me a minute later.

I can’t tell them about my real hobbies because they are unconventional. I can’t tell them about my past, even if I have known these people for several years. They say they want to deepen our friendship, but I have experienced that they don’t want to hear about my true past:

I wanted to die when I was 5.

My father, an alcoholic, tried to kill my mother several times, chasing her with a knife around the apartment.

I can’t tell them that my mother was a hoarder.

I can’t tell them that I was depressed from age 12 to 23.

I have tried and failed several times. So I lie and keep things surface level.

I wish a had a best friend.

[delirious-robot]

I encourage all people who get triggered by me or my posts or messages to block me.  

Long story short... 

(P.S. I was "triggered" or inspired to write this by an experience of someone close to me who deeply betrayed my trust recently... then blew up in anger at me about it and said a bunch of nasty things to me and twisted my words, so I did the same back! It was the last straw after being used and discarded multiple times after throwing me some breadcrumbs to reel me back in and then lying and cheating behind my back while I naively trusted again... I was often always polite and meek and tolerant and nice and restrained to this person back if they got upset with me and tried to be the "responsible one", trying to fix myself to be “good enough” for them... so instead this time I rejected them back and said exactly what I thought of them and their actions in that moment, after one more nasty “flip flopping waffling” comment sent to me in a text... I guess that’s how they really wanted to leave things...)

I know I'm a good person and don't need to prove myself to someone socially. I'm naturally very cheerful, zen-like and wise, focused and productive, positive, a happy-go-lucky can-do type person that likes to help others and enjoys much about life. 

I will never stop encouraging TRUTH. 

Take that how you like. 

Lots of people have blocked me or ignored me or left me or called me crazy or other bad names because of it. 

Go ahead. 

Added to say: I will not stand for being treated disrespectfully repeatedly, by a friend or partner. 

Momentary blips in a relationship or friendship are pretty easy to handle, that's not what I mean. 

And If you feel I've disrespected you in any way, please go ahead and ignore me, block me, unfollow, leave me. 

(Actually, better yet, if you are able to - communicate with me respectfully, directly, about it and confront me so that I can have the chance to handle it with you and fix it and take responsibility as needed...) 

I try to do the right thing and be considerate with others and believe in using kindness, am wholehearted. Although, like anyone, I'm not perfect and I make mistakes from time to time which I also have to learn and grow from. I absolutely don't like to be the cause of pain and suffering to another, because I know that I don't like that too.

But recognize: I often match the energy of those who interact with me. But I often go out of my way to be super nice to people and friendly and helpful. 

I start out with everyone being very positive and treating anyone who wants to know me with kindness, friendliness, good communication and giving anyone the benefit of the doubt. 

If you harrass me, misuse or abuse me, try to lead me on with lies, do stuff to hurt me behind my back (which I almost always find out about anyways...) after I've been nice to you and been there for you, or been friendly, but you betray my trust or cross my boundaries, I will eventually block, leave, stop all communication. 

I may even bite back and speak out about it if the damage has been great. 

Even people with good hearts can only be dragged in the mud beaten and kicked so long before they can't take it anymore. 

I'm sorry... sort of, in a way.

You have to be a different kind of caliber of person to be in my inner circle. 

Lots in the past who have been close with me, lie to me or act disrespectful with me and then blame me and accuse me of being a bad person, for telling them like it is calling a spade a spade and not putting up with it. 

It's just very disappointing, sometimes even heart breaking, depending.

I'm very perceptive. 

Literally one for one, every time someone is hyper critical of me and can't handle it with decent communication, I find out later they had something to hide from me that they knew was hurtful or had done something to me... that they then justified in their own minds by calling me a bad person, lying about it and me, or getting upset with me over something which is really nothing, a non issue or invented. 

This is a touchy subject for some but one which I've had to pull up my sleeves recently and deal with a few little "fires" in this arena - really not my favorite thing to do however! Sigh. 

It is however something which ideally is handled with utmost grace, manners, empathy, compassion, understanding and good affinity with the end goal of clearing things up in a decent manner and the restoration of peace, respect, and/or affinity. 

Unfortunately, things did not resolve this way with this most recent person who I'm no longer in contact with and sadly probably won't ever be again. I only say sadly because, most of what we had between us was really great - except towards the end. I first met them when I was 16. I will be 44 this year. 

Being perceptive - a sort of "ESP" - That is something I gained early on in life from some very special study and self development. Actually, I’ve always kind of been this way. And I feel things quite deeply. Aesthetics and admiration are my favorites though. Spreading these higher emotions has always been a purpose of mine, depth of thought and awareness and higher intelligence.

Lots approach me not knowing this about me and then get burned (assuming I’m just a dumb ditsy air-headed chick) and then blame me later for the whole thing, whatever it is. It's a blessing and a curse at the same time.

Happens a lot with me.

Which is why, I keep my circle quite small now. 

That's okay with me. I've learned how to be happy alone. 

I don't "need" anyone, quite frankly. 

If I trust you, know that it's a deeper kind of trust, and I'm reeaaallly trusting you. Through lots of hard won experience, I try to trust people from the get go, but it's difficult for me. (<- honestly not talking about anyone specific, just sayin.) 

But I'm a tiger (well, actually a lion... no, a liger). Don't mess with me. Thanks.