#all my support system is 900mi away
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womp womp
#I’ve fucking ruined everything again. Cool cool#the only thing I have now is my job and if I actually try and get help which I probably need now I will lose that too#radical#I’m just fucking scared and alone with my thoughts here#all my support system is 900mi away#this is so fucking dumb but I miss my mom and I just want someone to tell me it’s going to be ok and that it will get better#it just never feels like anything gets better for me#I’m so so tired of making my life worse#I feel like such an abject failure and defective life form#like I’m fucking worthless below the fucking dirt#the only thing I’m good for is my job and my work and I can’t lose that either#i have a psych appointment on Friday and I’m fucking terrified they’re going to send me to the hospital#-_-#dumb shit yapping#I don’t think anyone is reading this I don’t really want to talk about anything though I am just venting to the wind#I can’t tell any of my irl friends this tho bc they’d be concerned#which rightfully so but I don’t want to burden them with that knowledge#I just do not know how much longer I can keep doing this and being alive#I kept crying on new years bc I was scared and I don’t think I can make it until 2026#and I just feel so fucking unfixable and defective that therapy and meds aren’t actually going to fix what’s wrong with me#it goes deeper I am inherently flawed and subhuman#there are a lot of core human moments in life that I just never will experience#i can’t lie to myself and act like I’m the same kind of person things Can get better for#I’ve always been like this#built differently built wrong#I’m gonna go take a nap and watch co09 again#not gonna do nothing just try and shut my brain off#last time I had a really bad mental breakdown though my mom took me to go get boba bc I couldn’t eat anything#and I know she’s my mom and she has to but like#It was just really comforting and touching in a way that I can’t do for myself
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