#i’m just tired of my parents putting so much pressure on me

[sisterandscripture]

Christ as a Caretaker 💞

Hi siblings!! It’s mee, Elle, your sister in Christ! 🎀

If you’re new to my blog, welcome!! I created this to help strengthen my relationship with God and hopefully help others do the same ^^

I was feeling a little down today, so I thought of posting this for a bit of comfort <333

Soooo if you’ve had a bad day…

Sit down, relax, and take comfort in Christ 🙏

📜Bible Verse of The Day

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭11‬:‭28‬ ‭[NIV‬‬]

💌Something’s in your Inbox!

(im terribly sorry for the random info dump, please bear with me sharing my experience 😓)

I’m an eldest daughter, so uhm…

As you can imagine, there was definitely a lot of pressure put on me, even at a young age. I’m always expected to be independent and strong.

Even now, my sister gets most of the attention in the family and that’s okay with me, I understand why. She’s younger and needs more care than I do.

Along with the rest of my family, I take care of her too.

Sometimes though, it comes to the point when there are times that I have no one to go to for comfort, and I can’t even care for myself.

When I am burdened by something, I’d much rather keep it to myself than add to my parents’ burdens. I don’t want to become someone else’s problem just because I’m dealing with my own.

Yet, I can’t help but yearn for someone to take care of me— for someone to prioritize me, give me their undivided attention, unwavering comfort, and put me first.

Now that I’m growing up and growing more in my faith, it’s time I taught myself run to God.

Matthew 11:28 reminds us that there is someone who cares for us, someone who is willing to pay attention to our struggles and to lift our burdens.

God is our caretaker, He is the one person we can constantly go to for comfort.

Jesus Christ is the epitome of safety, warmth, and care. (I mean, the guy loved us so much that he died for us sooo…) He will always be there for us.

If you’ve been feeling a little unloved today or for quite awhile now, it’s okay :))

You don’t always have to be strong, sometimes it’s okay not to be okay. Whatever you’re feeling is valid. It’s okay to cry, it’s okay to break down, it’s okay to lose sight of your path.

Leave it to God to build you back up again and bring you back on the right track.

Come to Him, and he will give you rest. Come to Him, and I promise, you’ll instantly feel much better 🥹🥹

Christ is our caretaker and our refuge— without fail, He will care for us. He will always be there for us. Whenever you feel alone, you aren’t.

God’s just waiting for you to reach out to Him. He loves you so much. Even when it feels like the whole world hates you, God is there.

Take comfort in Christ, and you won’t regret it.

And who knows? Maybe there will come a time when He’ll send someone here on earth that will care for and love you sincerely.

(hey, if you do need someone to talk to though, you can always reach out to me too— just send a message, and i can include you in my prayers or we can pray together!! but I strongly encourage you to go to God first :3)

📞God’s on the Line

I always say that prayer is a powerful thing. It’s your strongest weapon and your biggest comfort. It’s a one-way ticket to reach out to God!! ✨

Almighty God,

Thank You for being my caretaker. Thank You for constantly being there for me, and for being my best source of comfort. Thank You for allowing me to go to You when I am tired, sick, burnt out, sad, and hurt. Thank You for Your unconditional and perfect love— and the ultimate sacrifice that proves it, dying on the cross for my sins. I love You and offer all that I have to You. In my times of need, remind me to always go to You.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen!!

(you may continue this on your own, take all the time you need. let the prayer bring you comfort, let Him speak to you)

Goodbyeee my siblings!! Take care of yourselves, and remember that God takes care of you too. He loves you sooo much!! 💗

[ihearnocomplaints]

I point you all to my ko-fi page once more -> link

my parents, enraged that I didn’t sort a massive mound of clothes yesterday (after doing the other chores they asked), essentially decided they are going to start charging me rent.

So this is just in preparation for that moment when they do start asking. I’m still trying to save up to move out. It’s not a huge deal yet (idk how much they’re going to charge) so there’s no pressure to donate.

I work a full time job so I can’t really give much in return. But I can take doodle requests upon proof of donation! I’ll doodle any DCA you want.

Thanks.

[johnnysuhbmarine]

Too Good to be Fake

Pairing: Jaemin x reader Description: If there was one thing Na Jaemin was known for, it was being a fuckboy with no interest in commitment. If there was one thing you knew him for, it was being your best friend…and long-time crush. When his group of guy friends gets tired of the roster Jaemin seems to be running through, they propose a deal - they’d each give him $100 if he could settle down with one girl for at least three months. But that was easy money to Jaemin. After all, he could just fake-date you. Content warnings: swearing, talk about sex, mentions/consumption of alcohol, a panic attack (not the reader), one punch gets thrown, reader has a somewhat bad relationship with her parents, their obliviousness to the other’s feelings makes you want to slam your head against a wall, some angst but it’s mainly through unaddressed fluff. Please let me know if I’ve missed anything. Word count: 31,947 A/n: I didn’t know I could write this much, but after making my smau, I was ITCHING for written work ahahahhahahahaha. Please enjoy, though who am I to tell you what to do…as always, feedback would be greatly appreciated. I love you :) also because I must tag @fullsunstrawberry in everything I do...here you go - I love you the mostest!

The semester was in full swing for just over a month, and Haechan was already tired of the amount of girls Jaemin had brought over to their apartment. The first two years of university cemented Jaemin’s image as resident fuckboy, but no one cared about the fact that they couldn’t keep him for more than a night because he was hot enough to make the one night worth it. Similarly, Jaemin couldn’t care less about being labeled a fuckboy - at the end of the day, all it meant was that he was able to get his dick wet with no added pressure from the expectation to ever commit; the concept seemed like heaven to him.

However, the start of junior year had his best friends thinking it was time for a change. As Jaemin sat down in one of their usual cafés for lunch, all eyes were on him. “Alright, Jaemin, we figure you’ve had your fun for the past two years now,” Chenle said with a gleam in his eyes. 

“Too much fun…” Haechan adds under his breath.

Jaemin looked around at the group with furrowed brows. “Whatever is going on, can we stop it and just have our coffee and sandwiches like normal? Why am I being targeted for the amount of fun I’m having? You’ve all had your fair share of fun, too.” 

Jeno let out a small laugh at Jaemin’s defense. “Yeah, but we aren’t nicknamed the campus fuckboy. Plus, we’ve all been in actual relationships during our time in college.” 

Jaemin’s face drops, no longer interested at all in the conversation they were clearly wanting to have. “I could be in a relationship if I wanted to be, I just don’t want to,” he’s quick to mutter in reply. 

“Why not?” Renjun asks, raising his eyebrows in wait.

Jaemin lets out a scoff. “All that love and commitment is stupid. You guys put so much effort into your previous relationships and yet, we’re all currently sitting at this table single. There’s no one who makes me want to even try being in a relationship. Why would I want to risk wasting all that effort on someone?”

His six best friends eyed each other around the table, either not buying it or not caring. “Look man,” Mark starts, getting Jaemin to turn his attention over to him. “Regardless of how you feel about love, Haechan is tired of listening to you and whatever girl you bring home that night…and he’s especially tired of it always being a different girl to walk in on him while he’s singing in the kitchen making breakfast. So, to maybe help him out, and also to test your ability because honestly, I don’t know if any of us think you’re capable…in the nicest way possible, of course. We wanna propose a bet- or a deal is probably the better word for it.” Jaemin shoots his gaze over to the rest of them, but no one bore a look of amusement, they were all curiously locked in. “If you can get a girlfriend and settle down for at least three months, we’ll give you $600.”

Well originally, Jaemin had no interest in any part of this, but if everything worked out the way his brain was planning it, that $600 could potentially be easy cash…not to mention a lot of it.

“I’m in,” he pipes up immediately, truthfully stunning his best friends at the table. Nevertheless, they all shake on it, and then Jaemin only has one thing to do…after finishing his coffee and sandwich, of course.

One day later, you get a text from Jaemin. Free to catch up today? Your cheeks blush warmly at the message. It wasn’t anything special, but after being glued to each other’s sides during high school, college saw you and Jaemin having considerably less time for each other; so it was always nice to see you were still a thought in his mind because truly, you missed your best friend like no other. 

Free to catch up everyday :)) You respond, and Jaemin’s reply comes instantaneously.

Perfect ;) meet you at the café in two hours

You check the clock before mapping out how you would spend all your time in between now and then, quickly deciding most of it should be directed towards making yourself look presentable, seeing as you’ve done nothing but rot in bed all morning.

Fast forward two hours and you were already sitting at one of the café tables when the bell rang as Jaemin walked through the door. He scans the inside before his eyes find you and he lights up. “Hi, best friend!” He says overenthusiastically as he pulls out the chair across from you. You furrow your brows at his tone, not to mention his usage of ‘best friend,’ when you think you remember Jaemin calling you that only once before when you were both still in high school, and had since never labeled you like that again - not that it was an incorrect label, but one that he typically didn’t make a huge deal about unless…

“Oh, god,” you start sarcastically. “What mess did you get yourself into now?”

“Hey!” Jaemin shoots back in mock hurt, moving a hand over his heart as if you’ve just shot him. You let out a light laugh, rolling your eyes.

“Sorry, Jaem, please continue.”

He immediately ducks his head to face his lap, his tone bearing a fraction of the force it previously had. “Okay so, I got myself into a mess.” You can’t help the genuine laugh that escapes you as you shake your head. Jaemin whips his head up to face you in response, but as you manage to stop your laughter, all you can do is meet his gaze with a softness in your eyes that perfectly balanced the playful smirk on your lips.

“I’ve missed you a lot, you know,” you respond, and Jaemin rolls his lips inward to try and stop the smile as he directs his gaze somewhere off to the side. 

“Yeah, hoping you’re still thinking that after I explain,” he replies hesitantly, and your face falls in an instant.

“You got me into a mess?!” You ask in disbelief, and Jaemin lets out a light sigh.

“Not yet, but that’s kind of the goal,” he answers, scrunching up his facial features as he waits for your reprimanding. Though it never comes, and instead, you speak plainly through a sigh.

“An explanation needs to come out of your mouth in three, two-”

Jaemin curls himself into a ball as best he can while sitting in the café chair, wanting some kind of physical defense before explaining himself in a rush. “I need us to fake date for three months so can you please please please be my fake girlfriend?” When he doesn’t get coffee thrown at him, he takes a moment to unfurl himself and look over at you again, his gaze met with your indifferent expression. 

“Why?” You ask neutrally, and it seems to finally hit Jaemin that you were still the same sane, comforting presence you always had been, even if the two of you hadn’t properly hung out in over a year. He settles more decidedly into his chair, though he still frames his words through a lens of embarrassment, figuring that might be the best way to get you to agree - if you knew he knew he was stupid.

“$600 and to prove something to my friends,” he replies, his words light but his demeanor dead serious.

“And why me?” You toss back, causing Jaemin to roll his eyes as he throws his gaze off to the side again with a scoff. 

“Cause every other girl I know has a crush on me and it’d make this very weird. I’m not trying to actually be in a relationship. That’s the last thing I want.” His words this time are firm enough to match his demeanor, and it has you taking a sip of your coffee to fight back the awkwardness you would’ve otherwise choked on. 

“...Right,” you say in agreement, because out of all the times you could come clean about your huge crush on your best friend, right after he tells you that he doesn’t want a relationship is probably the worst time to do so. 

“So?” Jaemin inquires hopefully, snapping you out of your thoughts. You flick your gaze up to him before immediately darting it back to your coffee on the table, one of your hands messing with the straw absentmindedly. Then you give in, because you suck at saying ‘no’ to your best friend.

“...Fine, but then we’re making a contract,” you say plainly, swirling the ice around in your americano. Jaemin lets out something like a laugh, shaking his head.

“Y/n, you’re taking this so seriously-” He starts, but you whip your head back up to him in an instant, cutting him off with sincerity. 

“They’ll see right through it if we don’t,” you state, and you watch Jaemin’s adam's apple bob up and down in his throat as he swallows awkwardly. 

He shakes out of it before putting his hands up in defeat. “Okay, whatever. Go ahead,” he replies, disinterested. You roll your eyes, grabbing a piece of paper and a pen from your backpack. Then you get to writing, because you were gonna need to set some intense boundaries if you were hoping to make it out of this alive. 

“Alright, I think this should be good for right now,” you say after a few minutes, sliding the piece of paper his way. He takes one glance at it before letting out a laugh and directing his gaze back to you with raised brows.

“‘No kissing?’ I don’t mean to alarm you, but that’s actually the quickest way for them to see right through it,” he quips. You run your fingers through your hair awkwardly as you dodge his gaze, finally nodding your head with a sigh. 

“Okay fine, we can change it. No kissing unless they bring it up or get suspicious. Good?” You ask, finally looking up at him again. He lets an amused smile paint its way across his lips as he stares at you across the table.

“Ha, we’ll keep it for now,” he agrees before turning his attention back to the paper and looking over the next thing you wrote. “‘No weird nicknames?’” He reads, popping his head back up to look at you for clarification. You roll your eyes, slightly embarrassed. 

“Yeah, like sugar, pumpkin, honey, buttercup, sweetie, sweetheart, cutie pie, baby, babe, darling-” You’re cut off by a genuine laugh from Jaemin, helping you realize you’ve missed the sound of it a lot, and not at all helping the awkward situation you’ve gotten yourself into. 

“Okay, you’re just naming every pet name imaginable,” he counters as though you were crazy. 

You roll your lips inward, hesitating on how to respond before opting with a near-whisper. “I don’t like them,” you admit quietly, and Jaemin’s demeanor falls from playful to understanding. He opens his mouth to reply but closes it again before any words get out, instead taking another moment to think. 

“They’re gonna expect me to call you something,” he finally says, speaking as though it were an apology. 

You sigh, knowing he wasn’t lying. Idly messing with your hands, you reply quietly. “...are they gonna expect me to call you something, too?” You ask, and Jaemin contemplates with a sorry nod.

“Yeah, probably. Look, you can call me whatever you’re comfortable with, and if that’s just ‘Jaem,’ that’s fine.”

A more lenient answer than you were expecting, you shoot your head up to look back at him again, though your brows slightly furrow as you address the part he didn’t. “What about you?”

Jaemin lets out a soft sigh. “How about I just limit my usage of pet names, and I won’t call you anything food-related,” he suggests lightly, figuring those nicknames having made up your first seven examples meant you hated them the most. You roll your eyes but a smile crosses your face regardless because he was right, after all…and caring enough to actually realize that.

“I can live with that,” you relent, and a big grin comes back onto Jaemin’s face at the progress. He moves his attention back towards the contract, but immediately is whipping his gaze back to you in hurt. 

“Why can’t I be the one to break it off?” He pouts, and you have half a mind to laugh, but you know he’s serious. 

“If you date me for exactly three months and then break up with me, no matter how believable we make it, they’re either going to know it was set up or they’re going to assume you learned nothing and probably not give you the money,” you explain, and Jaemin’s pout turns into an impressed nod.

“You have a point…” He breathes out, causing you to smirk.

“I know.” 

He bites on his bottom lip, deep in thought before turning back to you again. “We probably shouldn’t date for exactly three months then, either,” he adds, and you flash your eyebrows in recognition.

“That’s also true,” you say before putting together a calendar in your head. “Well, if today’s September 27th, three months is December 27th, so…we could have New Year’s Eve be our last night together?” You suggest awkwardly. Though, when you look back up towards Jaemin, he’s putting your timeline together with a nod.

“Works for me,” he cedes, scribbling your end date somewhere off to the side before continuing to scan down the list. His next question comes with the very last bullet point on the contract. “‘Come home with me for Christmas dinner?’” He reads before looking up at you in confusion. You shake your head with a laugh.

“Well, you didn’t think I’d do this for nothing in return, did you?”

Jaemin flashes his eyebrows in acknowledgement. “Okay…so why Christmas dinner?” He asks, and you drop your gaze back to your coffee. 

“My family keeps riding my ass about not having a boyfriend. If you come back with me and pretend to be my boyfriend there, too, then even when we end things, they’ll at least be off my case for a while,” you admit, embarrassment tainting your voice before you rush to make the request sound more appealing. “And it’s not actual Christmas dinner! It’s that first weekend after finals week. You remember the big dinner we always had with other family friends and all that,” you drag off with an awkward laugh.

“Okay,” Jaemin agrees immediately, and you look back up at him in shock.

“Really? You’re agreeing to that?” You question, but he just shrugs his shoulders. 

“Y/n, you’re getting me $600, the least I can do is one dinner with your family. Besides, they’re practically my second set of parents. I’m pretty sure I had at least a hundred dinners with them during high school,” he jokes, and the tension in your shoulders falls. You guys were really doing this…all of this. The two of you left the café and parted ways soon after agreeing to the terms of the contract, Jaemin feeling $600 richer already with how easy this was going to be.

Jaemin picked you up from class on the first day you would be meeting his friends, five days after the two of you signed your contract to fake-date. He greets you with an easy smile outside of your classroom door. “Hey, you ready?” He asks, and you send a nervous smile back up at him. 

“Ready as I’ll ever be, I guess,” you reply with a laugh. He flashes his eyebrows in acknowledgement, feeling much the same way seeing as this was probably the least conventional thing he’s ever done. 

He leads you outside and towards the guys’ regular lunch spot at one of the tables set up in the campus commons. Jaemin had told his friends beforehand that he had gone and gotten himself a girlfriend and thus, to start the three month timer, and they were the ones who begged him to bring you to one of the lunches so they could meet you, and now here you were - walking casually towards the lunch table with Jaemin…too casually, Chenle noticed, because you weren’t even holding hands. He keeps quiet, but lets an easy smirk come across his face as you and Jaemin sit down next to each other. 

“Alright, guys,” Jaemin starts as the rest of the friend group pins their full attention on you. “This is y/n. My girlfriend,” he says with a smile. The label sends ice through your veins. You could not believe Na Jaemin was introducing you as his girlfriend…it didn’t matter that the label was fake, the words sounded real coming out of his mouth. You turn your head to look at him, as if to get some kind of confirmation that it really was Jaemin next to you, calling you his girlfriend. By the time your gaze reaches him, he’s already looking over at you with a cheesy grin, nudging your side playfully with his arm and getting you to relax a little. 

The guys go around introducing themselves, but as they make their full way around the table, Jeno immediately speaks up.

“So, how did the two of you get together?” He asks curiously. A valid question, which is why the guys all lean forward in interest, because of course they would be dying to know how their fuckboy best friend got an actual girlfriend rather than a hookup. It was a horrible question though, because it was one you forgot would ever come up, and you had no game plan to go about answering this. Though, it seemed all you had to worry about was keeping your eyes from going wide, because Jaemin did have a game plan for this, and he answered smoothly.

“I just asked her out,” he says with a shrug. “It’s always been so easy with y/n, I take it for granted most of the time. Every time I’m with her, I’m reminded that it takes no effort to breathe, that I’m standing on solid ground. We met up for coffee the other day and she said she missed me and I-” He falters for a moment, and you finally bring your gaze up from your lap to face Jaemin, just to see him shake his head as if he were breaking himself out of a nostalgia trip. “I wanted to hear that again and again,” he finally says seriously, and you can’t stop the smile from reaching your face. “So, though now it just sounds embarrassing saying it out loud, I straight up asked her to be my girlfriend right after that,” he adds through a laugh. “I had been waiting for the butterflies that everyone always talks about, but the fact that I’ve never really felt that with her just made me more sure I wanna be with her - there’s no discomfort or anxiety,” he says, and with your head ducked back in to face your lap, you miss it when he turns to look at you softly. “She’s just always felt like home.” 

Jaemin’s answer seems to have done its job in convincing everyone, and it definitely did its job in reminding you that you were in deep trouble. Though, as the rest of the guys take in Jaemin’s words with an impressed nod, Mark tries to fill in his holes. “Wait, how long have you known each other?” He asks, which was another valid question seeing as Jaemin talked about you with history even though you had never met his friend group before.

“We’ve been friends since high school,” Jaemin says coolly, though this time, you’re the one to nudge him with a laugh.

“Best friends,” you add teasingly, and Jaemin chuckles as he looks over at your figure before nodding his head.

“Yeah, best friends,” he agrees fondly. “But, I’ve liked her for a while now,” he says, turning back towards the group as his face falls and he shifts uncomfortably in his seat. “I just- obviously have the image that I do and I never wanted to get her tied up in it. She deserves more than being labeled as some fuckboy’s latest infatuation,” he says, and as you furrow your brows at him, he just shakes his head, moving on with a light smile. “Though, obviously, I saw her last week and couldn’t help it anymore.”

Sorry smiles cross most of the guys’ faces - they were no help when it came to keeping labels away from Jaemin, and he was sure putting on a convincing show, making it almost seem like it was their fault the two of you hadn’t already gotten together. 

Haechan swings his gaze over to you with raised eyebrows, shifting gears to try and not to let the dampened mood actually settle in. “And you? How long have you liked him?” He asks, and you have to stop the laugh from leaving your system. Instead, you just shake your head fondly.

“Forever,” you answer truthfully, turning to face Jaemin before immediately pulling your gaze back down to your lap in embarrassment. “Any girl will tell you, it’s impossible not to fall for Na Jaemin.” At this, all the guys roll their eyes, but Jaemin just turns to study you softly, biting on his bottom lip in contemplation as he tries to sort out whether any part of your statement was true or if you were just really good at acting.

However, with the rumbling of Jisung’s stomach, he quickly discards the topic of you and Jaemin, deciding that after all the intro questions were out of the way, food was much more interesting. The guys laugh along as Jisung rips through his paper bag lunch, but it does its job in getting them to focus on their own food in front of them, too. 

Casual conversation occurred over lunch, and you were pleasantly surprised to find it wasn’t awkward at all. Not that you were expecting the guys to be awkward with each other, but you typically weren’t great at meeting new people; and now you were meeting six of them at once, somehow fitting right in, your occasional remarks causing the whole table to laugh - something you’d have to pat yourself on the back for later. The only disturbance comes from Chenle, who had begun leaning way back from the table, carefully balancing his weight on the bench as he seems to examine the ground by your feet. 

The entire friend group eventually catches on to his antics, turning their attention towards him with raised eyebrows. “What are you doing?” Renjun finally asks, the question coming out as though he thought Chenle were crazy…which probably wasn’t too far from his actual stance on the matter.

Chenle shakes his head, pulling himself back into a normal sitting position as he locks his gaze onto you and Jaemin. “Don’t most couples have a hand placed on the other’s thigh or something while sitting? Why are you guys like- a foot away from each other?” He asks plainly. Your face drops and your eyes widen.

“We are not a foot away from each other,” you remark firmly, but then Jisung peaks beneath the table as well, pulling back up with a shrug.

“Uh, you kinda are,” he says, causing Jaemin to roll his eyes.

“Didn’t think you guys were big pda enthusiasts,” he says, trying to laugh it off, but Chenle is relentless.

“Have you kissed yet?” He asks immediately, and you almost choke.

“What?!” You return in shock, but Chenle looks between the two of you with uninterested brows.

“You’ve liked each other for forever and you’re this awkward?” He shoots back in a taunt. You sigh, collecting yourself because you knew what you were about to have to do. 

“You’re right, Jaem,” you say, pulling his attention your way as you place a hand on his cheek and smile in disbelief. “Your friends are annoying,” you continue, and then you lean in and kiss your best friend and long time crush. 

Admittedly, you’ve imagined this moment more times than you could count, but none of those fantasies could have prepared you for what it actually felt like to kiss Na Jaemin. His lips were perfect, he was perfect, and you knew that already but now you felt it. You remind yourself of where you’re at, why you’re kissing him in the first place, and bring yourself to pull back after the one soft kiss, trying your best to make it seem as though that alone didn’t cause you to lose your breath.

As the two of you pull away from each other, Jaemin’s gaze locks on you, running over every inch of your face with an unreadable look in his eyes to contrast the softest of smiles on his lips. “Yeah, angel, they are,” he says through an exhale, and as your face goes completely pink, his smile eases into a familiar smirk. “But if you kiss me every time they piss you off, I might have to have them stick around.” 

You roll your eyes, nudging him in the side again as you focus on the playful banter and not on the fact that Jaemin just rewired your brain chemistry with one ‘angel.’ “Whatever, we both know I kiss you all the time anyways,” you tease, but as you try to shift away again, Jaemin catches your hand in his and looks at you as if you were crazy.

“No, I kiss you all the time,” he rushes to correct, and though you whip your head back to face him in offense, your eyes instantly soften upon contact, a tight smile playing at both of your features instead.

Your only thought was to kiss him again, and you’re thankful when Chenle cuts off any chance of that happening. “What is going on?” He asks in disgust, causing Renjun to laugh and shake his head.

“Hey, you were the one jumping their asses for their lack of public romance. This is your fault.” 

With the conclusion of lunch, Jaemin kept you company on the walk back to your dorm. As soon as you’re out of sight from the rest of the guys, you let out a heavy sigh and accompanying drop of your shoulders. “Well, there goes rule number one…” You say in defeat. If you couldn’t even follow the first rule during your first outing as a ‘couple,’ the rest of these three months were not going to bode well for you. 

Instead of matching your demeanor, Jaemin takes offense. “What, no! We changed rule number one to no kissing unless they brought it up or were suspicious, and they both, brought it up and were suspicious,” he claims firmly, but the playful tone underlying his words makes it so that all you can do is let out a small, wry laugh.

“I can’t believe I let you talk me into this,” you say with a shake of your head, though the smile has made its reappearance on your face. Next to you, Jaemin stops walking, pausing for a moment as he stares at the pavement beneath your feet. As soon as you notice his absence at your side, you turn back around to face him and his small grimace.

“Thank you, by the way,” he says gently, and any remaining tension you were carrying falls away; because any time Jaemin fell softer, you were reminded of how you’d do anything for your best friend. “I don’t know if I really thanked you for letting me talk you into this. I know it’s stupid, but it’s nice to have them attacking me for whether or not I’ve kissed you rather than attacking me for my body count,” he finishes, and it feels as though all your joints had immediately locked up again. 

Jaemin’s title as the campus fuckboy was not lost on you, but talking about anything close to relationships was never a strong suit for you guys; and with him quickly finding his place within a new friend group here at college, it meant you were even less in the know of his whereabouts on any given day. The last thing you were expecting was for Jaemin to keep you updated on who he just fucked, but the entire realm of conversation was always so unreachable for you two. You knew nothing of what the campus fuckboy was truly getting up to; there was sometimes talk in your class when a girl would come in beaming as she told her friends she managed to spend a night with Jaemin, but instances like that were all you got informed by, and you never dared pry deeper into those overheard conversations. 

Sometimes your jealousy would damn near kill you - all these girls boasting about the fact that they had spent a night with Jaemin…you wanted to turn around half the time and tell them to forget about one night because you’ve spent countless days with him; that your entire high school career was covered in his handprints and bright smile which you were sure was laced with drugs - a smile you knew he wasn’t throwing around in the bedroom. 

You never did snap, though, because it was easier to keep your ‘best friend’ label with Jaemin under the radar at college, unless you wished for tens upon hundreds of girls to line up in front of you and ask your advice on how to win his heart. Jokes on them, you were still figuring that out, yourself.

“What is your body count?” You ask with a hesitant swallow, your curiosity getting the better of you now that he’s finally brought it up. 

Jaemin shoots his head up to face you but instantly dodges your eye contact again. For the first time since you’ve met him, he looks genuinely embarrassed. “Another time, y/n,” he says in soft dismissal.

You swallow harshly, in disbelief at what you were about to tell him, but as much as it would sting, it would keep your own feelings at a very needed bay. “If you still want to have sex, you can. I don’t mean to force you into celibacy. Just make sure it’s at the girl’s house so Haechan doesn’t find out,” you say lowly, and Jaemin immediately makes wide eye contact with you.

“Really?” He asks in something like shock. You act as though it’s no big thing, and you’re sure it probably shouldn’t be, anyways.

“Yeah,” you respond with a shrug.

Jaemin takes in your words with a contemplative head nod, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth before his eyes light up in alert, finding another caveat to address. “What do we do if the girl starts talking about the fact that she hooked up with me?” He asks seriously, but you’ve finally found humor in the situation, shaking your head as though there were hardly a need for the question. 

“Jaem, just about every girl wants to sleep with you, or at least make it seem like she did…a random girl claiming to have hooked up with you one day is just going to sound like she’s desperate for attention. No one’s gonna take it seriously,” you say with a playful roll of your eyes. Absolutely nothing you said was wrong, and with a deep breath, Jaemin seems to accept that fact.

As he exhales, he resumes his continuation on the walk back to your dorm, a light nod of his head accompanying his next words. “Okay. Thank you-” His casual start is broken as he turns his head back over to you at his side in question. “Are you gonna be okay? Are you gonna like- hook up- uh…with other guys?” He asks curiously. All you can do is laugh at him.

“Casual hookups aren’t my thing and no way am I getting an actual boyfriend while we’re doing this, but of course I’ll be okay. I’m pretty sure your sex drive is at least ten times greater than mine. I can handle three months,” you reply lightly, and seemingly all of Jaemin’s worries about this new implementation fade away - it seemed perfectly doable without getting caught. 

As you get to your dorm entrance, you and Jaemin turn to fully face each other. “Thanks again for today. I think we got them somewhat convinced,” he says through a small laugh, and you flash your eyebrows in acknowledgement. 

“No reason to thank me for that - you did most of the talking,” you rebuttal playfully. 

Jaemin’s laugh turns into a knowing smirk. “You were the one who kissed me,” he teases, and you shake your head, but a wide grin spreads across your lips, regardless.

“It's not my fault that they both, brought it up and were suspicious,” you remind him, putting your hands up in defense. Jaemin takes a moment to laugh again before settling into a more fond look that was reminiscent of your high school days.

“We’re gonna have to start hanging out more again since they think we’re dating, but even before all that, I think it’d make me happy if we started hanging out more again just cause I’ve missed you…and I know it’s my fault we haven’t talked as often! I got a friend group of guys and an- agenda…with girls, and as such, my entire college career up to now has unfolded in that way. But I miss you because you’ve always been my friend, not because of some agenda or fake-dating scheme.”

“Mmmmmm, best friend,” you correct with a sure smirk, making Jaemin drop his head with a laugh of defeat.

“Yeah, best friend,” he cedes, and your smirk turns into a soft smile. 

“I never do anything, so just text me when you wanna hang. I’ll be there.” 

He looks back up at you with a small grin and a nod. “Same goes for you,” he replies. Then, all that was left was saying ‘goodbye’ in a much more awkward way than usual, before you went back up to your room to decompress from whatever the hell just happened. 

It was a week after that first lunch when you were alone and bored in your dorm. None of the guys mentioned anything about having plans for the weekend while at lunch, which you had begun to join in on every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. So, although you just saw him, you figured Jaemin wouldn’t have anything better to do than hang out with you some more today. You shoot your gaze over to the clock, agreeing there was more than enough time left in the day to make a hang out worth it, and then grabbing your phone to text Jaemin.

Hey, I’m bored. Wanna do something? You send, and Jaemin’s reply is instantaneous.

With a girl rn

For a text that’s letting you know he’s following your directions, it hurts more than you thought it would to read. You know it’s for the best that this be your reality. Jaemin had been your best friend for so long now, the last thing you wanted was to ruin that with your feelings; and while fake-dating wasn’t helping, this reality-check definitely did. He’s not just your best friend anymore, he’s the campus’ heartthrob…the campus’ fuckboy. It was the entire reason behind the bet his friends made in the first place - a circumstance like this was only expected. So, you’d have to forget about the hollow feeling in your stomach right now and instead support your best friend in a best friend way, cause no matter how many times in the next three months he’s destined to call you ‘angel’ or look over at you softly every time you talk in the group, ‘best friends’ is all you are to each other. Oh, look at you go! I figure I’m your alibi, so I guess I’ll stay in for the rest of the night so there’s no possibility of one of your friends seeing me

His reply this time took about thirty minutes to get to you, and even his last text didn’t prepare you for the brick wall that faced you with this one. Thanks 

Jaemin isn’t selfish, Jaemin is busy. It’s the mantra you kept repeating to yourself, because you know he’s not selfish; and while you were expecting a reply more aligned with an apology for forcing your Friday night to be spent indoors and alone, taking the time to text that out probably was not something Jaemin could manage while another girl was surely sucking him off. 

The next Thursday, it’s Jaemin’s idea to hang out after classes. The two of you decided to chill at your place so that you didn’t have to constantly pretend around Haechan, should he be in their apartment. As you swing the door open to Jaemin’s presence, he looks at you with a big grin on his face. “Hey, angel,” he says, patting the top of your head as he walks into your dorm. You track his figure deeper into the living area, looking at him quizzically because the whole purpose of him being here was that he didn’t have to call you ‘angel.’ 

You just shake your head with a smile as he plops down on your couch. “Hey, Jaem.” 

He looks up at you with innocent eyes. “What did you want to do tonight?” He asks, and you shrug your shoulders with a laugh.

“You’re the one who wanted to come over; my plan was to do homework.” Your answer has Jaemin’s face falling, and you watch as he gets up from the couch and immediately walks out the door, leaving you completely dumbfounded. You didn’t think homework was that repulsive to him. Though, moments later, there’s another knock on your door, and you answer it to be met with Jaemin again, this time his own backpack slung across his shoulders. “Wha-?” You question with a laugh of disbelief.

Jaemin sends a smirk your way before once again walking past you and towards the couch, immediately unzipping his backpack and placing its contents on the coffee table. “Homework,” he says casually, looking up at you with raised brows and a smirk. “Best friend, fake girlfriend, study buddy…you get all the fun labels,” he teases, causing you to shake your head before relenting and joining him at the coffee table. 

It was an incredibly normal night. After the two of you finished up the last of your assignments - though getting distracted every five or so minutes with stupid jokes, complaints of coursework, or a sudden remembering of a story that needed telling did not help push things along, the two of you watched a movie. You ended up making hot cocoa, because the privilege of thermostats meant that it wasn’t a crazy option, regardless of the outside temperature, and then sat on the recliner, Jaemin taking up considerably more space on the couch in response. 

The two of you had always been good movie watchers with each other. You both liked to enjoy movies in the same way - the lights off, no talking, no distractions from phones…even if it was a movie you had seen a hundred times. The two of you took movie nights seriously, mainly because with each other, you could. At least, you had yet to find anyone else who would sit and watch Coraline with you and not take a break to say something about how they find it creepy or flatout don’t like the movie when it’s not even halfway over. Though, Jaemin always happily watched, saving his only comments (typically about how “they just don’t make movies like that anymore”) for the credits. 

Just like that, it was like a night from high school, and it ended much the same way - a side hug with Jaemin and his promises of getting home safe, though it was you rather than your mother that he was making that promise to now. 

Walking back into his apartment, Jaemin immediately catches the attention of Haechan, currently making late night ramen in the kitchen. “Did you just get back from y/n’s?” He asks, pulling his attention away from the stove to turn his head towards Jaemin.

“Yeah,” Jaemin answers casually as he makes his trek through the front space and towards his room, only getting distracted when Haechan speaks up again with a playful lilt and a matching smirk on his face.

“Good night?” He asks, causing Jaemin to furrow his brows before realizing what Haechan was actually getting at. 

“What-? Oh, shut up,” he dismisses. Turning back around to face Haechan revealed him to be completely distracted from his ramen - his back now leaning against the countertop as his casual crossed arms added to the tease in his raised eyebrow. Jaemin rolls his eyes at the antics, especially considering Haechan was the main reason this whole deal was made in the first place - because he was tired of Jaemin having sex. “We didn’t have sex. We did normal couple things,” he states confidently before turning around again to actually make his way inside his room and behind his closed bedroom door. 

This meant Jaemin missed the way Haechan’s playful brows furrowed in confusion, his face falling flatter as he spoke through a soft exhale. “What?” Any more time he could have had to actually question it was overridden with the need to tend to his now boiling over ramen; so Jaemin got off easy the rest of the night. 

Haechan was not as forgiving the next time he saw the guys at Monday lunch, though. With you still nowhere to be seen and Jaemin in his line of sight ordering food, he addresses everything in a more serious tone than any of the guys were expecting. 

“Does anyone else find it odd that they haven’t had sex yet?”

Eyes go wide at the rest of the table. “They haven’t?!” Jeno practically shouts before immediately getting embarrassed and making himself as small as possible. Haechan just shakes his head.

“They haven’t even spent the night at each other’s places yet. He always comes back home after hanging out with her and it’s always just him.”

“Maybe they’re taking it slow,” Mark replies with a shrug, but all eyes lock on him with ample skepticism. 

“Does ‘slow’ seem like a Jaemin thing?” Haechan rebuttals. “I mean, come on. We’re talking about the guy who’s notorious for getting his dick wet at any available opportunity.”

“So, we think they don't really like each other? They’re faking it?” Renjun asks with pursed contemplative lips. 

Haechan’s the one to shrug this time in mystery. “$600 is a hefty amount. He’d do anything he can for that, including but not limited to getting a fake girlfriend and lying to us,” he states more firmly, but that’s as Jaemin joins the table; his brows furrowed and mouth hanging slightly open as he looked around at the guys in something like disgust.

“What in the world did I just walk in on? Y/n is not my fake girlfriend. The deal money is nice but I’m at least honorable about these things,” he argues, and immediately all the guys whip their gazes towards him, varying expressions on their faces as Jisung speaks up in genuine question.

“Why haven’t you slept with her yet?” The seriousness of the question and the sheer interest in the rest of the guys’ faces gets Jaemin to roll his eyes.

“You guys are atrocious, you know that?” He says in place of an answer. 

Chenle raises his brows. “The question remains,” he taunts with a smirk.

Jaemin looks him dead in the eyes as he responds. “She means more to me than that.”

“Means more to you than that?” Jeno reflects back with a laugh. “Jaemin, are you forgetting your love language?” This is the first thing you can pick up as you finally get to the table after questions from your classmates held you for more minutes than should be allowed. Regardless, you immediately jump right into conversation.

“Love language?” You echo with a smile. “There’s something I’m knowledgeable about. How’s my words of affirmation boy doing?” You continue, all your attention directed towards Jaemin as you shed your backpack from your body.

He looks up at you still standing by his side, eyes soft and speaking through a small smile. “Better now that you’re here,” he answers, and you don’t stop the bashful smile from coming across your face as you finally get situated sitting down next to him. The gentle moment is broken, though, with Jeno asking a question in total shock.

“Words of affirmation??” He begs for clarification, and the rest of the guys lean in at the table some more in apparent interest. You look at them all as though there was some joke you weren’t getting. 

“Yes? What did you think it was?” You question back, and they respond in almost perfect unison.

“Physical touch.”

You can’t stop the small laugh from leaving your system as you look back at all of them seriously. “Jaemin’s good at showing love through physical touch, no doubt, but words of affirmation is by far his favorite way to receive love, it’s not even a question. And sure, part of that is how he smiles like an idiot whenever I tell him he’s the most handsome guy on the planet - which is stupid because ‘handsome’ honestly doesn’t even begin to describe it…” You trail off awkwardly before shooting your head back up to face everyone. 

“But have you ever seen him receive a compliment that has nothing to do with his body or looks? The way his eyes light up like something just clicked for him? I mean, he’s so many more things before he’s physically attractive, and all he was waiting for was someone to recognize that. Every time we meet up after class and I say something like ‘I’ve been longing to be in your presence all day,’ or ‘thanks for bringing me more happiness than I’ve ever known,’ he’s practically on the verge of tears every time. It’s why when I told him I missed him that one day, all he could think to do was ask me to be his girlfriend. He’s been waiting to be missed on a level that had nothing to do with his body. He’s been waiting to be affirmed in a way that isn’t physical.”

That seemed to get everyone else at the table to shut up, swallowing awkwardly as they instead turned their attention to their food. You let out a small sigh of relief as you dig into your own sandwich, but Jaemin doesn’t think he can even take one bite anymore; a weird feeling in his stomach and his mind going a million miles an hour. When he does pick up his sandwich, it’s not because he’s finally convinced he can keep it down, but because not eating now would be incredibly suspicious to everyone…including you. 

Jaemin walked you back to your dorm after lunch, something that became typical since it wasn’t always possible to pick you up from class for lunch. You were walking in comfortable silence; in fact, an element of awkwardness was only introduced once Jaemin spoke up with a strange sort of cough and hesitant words. “I didn’t know I was a words of affirmation guy,” he finally says after a couple of minutes. 

With the two of you out of sightline and earshot of the others, you let your actions and reactions express more naturally. So, you paused completely, making him eventually stop and look over his shoulder at you in question. “Oh…really?!” You say in light shock before shaking your head and resuming your pace so you could catch back up to him and continue casually. “I mean, maybe you’re not then, but just from what I know-”

You’re cut off with a small laugh from Jaemin as he shakes his head softly, matching his contemplative tone. “No, I think you’re right. Everything you said I- I think you’re right.” He says it as though he were almost embarrassed by the fact, and you decide that’s the last thing you’re gonna allow him to feel in this situation.

“Oh, well, would you like me to affirm you more often then?” You ask seriously. “We aren’t exactly meeting up after class everyday and I’m not exactly telling you I’ve been waiting for that very moment, but I can.”

Jaemin is quick to dismiss the idea. “No, it’s okay. No use doing that when this whole thing is fake. I mean, rule number three or something is that everything is immediately dropped when we’re in private,” he tries to play off with a laugh, and as you finally reach the entrance to your dorm, you turn around to face him solemnly. 

“Jaem, that’s not me putting on an act. You do know I love spending time with you, right? And-” You shake your head, frustrated with yourself that this is something you obviously didn’t do a good job of communicating earlier. “Take us out of this whole situation thing,” you command, finding your footing in what you’re wanting to say. “Just- as friends. I love spending time with you. I want you in my life forever, yeah?” You finish softly, and when you look back up at Jaemin, he’s quick to break eye contact. 

“Yeah.”

The next few weeks saw to it that you and Jaemin were hanging out more than ever. What you saw as insane luck meant that every time you texted asking if he could hang out, he was never ‘with a girl’ at the time; and Jaemin was texting you and being the one to make plans at a far greater rate than you were, anyways. Instantly, your relationship reflected that during your time in high school - the only difference was that sometimes in the midst of trying to pretend you didn’t have the hugest crush on your best friend, you were also having to pretend you did have the hugest crush on your best friend. 

Hang outs were still mainly at your place so that the two of you never had to worry about Haechan, though sometimes you’d purposely have a night in at Jaemin’s to keep Haechan convinced. This was not one of those times. Instead, you opened your door to Jaemin as you have for the past three Friday’s now, which the two of you decided would be ‘date night’ in everyone else’s eyes while really, you’d just keep a low profile and do whatever you wanted. Due to schedules, you always had an hour for homework before you’d be met with Jaemin’s presence, and he was right on time today. “Hey, Jaem!” You greet with a smile as you swing the door open and step back to allow him inside.

“Hey angel,” he replies casually, because calling you ‘angel’ was now a very typical occurrence, regardless of who was around to hear it. He flashes a smile in your direction, but instead of beelining for the couch like normal, he stops to stand kind of awkwardly in front of you before continuing hesitantly. “Mark is having a Halloween party if that’s something you’re interested in…we could go together. I know parties aren’t really your thing.” He speaks as though it were an apology, and all you can do is chuckle at his antics.

“Don’t worry about that. I am your fake girlfriend, aren’t I?” You tease in reply, and Jaemin raises his eyebrows as though he didn’t know where you were going with this.

“...Yes,” he draws out slowly, and you just shake your head at him fondly.

“So, if you’re going, then I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” you answer sincerely, and though you’d never be able to convince yourself of it, you made Jaemin blush - just the tiniest bit. 

He lets out something like a sigh of relief before nodding his head in acknowledgement. “Okay, I’ll tell Mark we’re going, then,” he says happily, and then suddenly it’s right back to routine as he heads for the couch to chill before the two of you could decide what all you actually wanted to do that day. 

The next time you saw Jaemin was two days later when he asked if you wanted to accompany him to the store. It was all light and casual conversation as you strolled through the aisles, most of the time pointing at random items and saying ‘you’ to try and see who could get the other to laugh more. The bit promptly ended when you pointed at a Scrub Daddy to relate Jaemin to, but he instead teased you endlessly for using an item with “daddy” in the name. The only thing to veer his topic of conversation away from that was when you passed the aisle that had been repurposed into Halloween decorations and costumes, making him stop in his tracks.

“Have you decided on a costume for the party yet?” He asks curiously, and you turn back around to face him and redirect your path to peruse the Halloween aisle, touching random bits of costumes before dropping them back to the rack with a shake of your head. 

“Well, I was gonna go as an angel since that’s kind of what you call me now, but if we do it as a couple’s costume, then you’d end up as the devil or a demon or whatever, and I don’t love the idea of that. So…would you wanna go as Team Rocket instead?” You ask in return. Jaemin swallows awkwardly as he takes in everything you just said, but he can’t take too long to explore the slightly comforting feeling brought on by you saying the idea of him as a devil wasn’t your favorite…because that wouldn’t be very ‘I don’t care what anyone else thinks’ of him. Instead, he resorts back to a familiar tease, an eyebrow raised as a playful smirk crossed his lips.

“Who said I wanted to do a couple’s costume?” He shoots back and your face immediately goes red as you scramble for words.

“Oh! You don’t- I was just- it’s not-” You’re cut off with a warm laugh from Jaemin.

“Breathe, angel, I was just messing with you,” he reassures with a shake of his head.

“Maybe you would make a good demon,” you deadpan in return, and Jaemin’s eyes light with fire as his jaw drops.

“Hey!”

“Just messing with you, Jaem,” you banter back, and Jaemin bites on the inside of his cheek to stop a wide grin from making an appearance at your behavior. 

“I’m fine going as Team Rocket, as long as I get to be James,” he says with a mock seriousness, effectively getting you to smile as you roll your eyes.

“Well, I wasn’t going to suggest you be Jessie,” you assure in the same manner, and Jaemin nods his head, seemingly content with the plan before another question comes to mind. 

“Are we dying our hair?” He asks, and this time he’s actually serious. You think about it for a second before giving into the idea with a contemplative nod.

“We can get the spray that lasts up until you wash it,” you suggest, and with a nod from Jaemin, your Halloween costumes were set - all you had to do was make them. 

Fast forward a week and the only thing left to do was iron on the ‘R’ decal on Jaemin’s top, which was exactly what you were doing in his apartment as he took the time to spray blue in his hair. You look up from the heat press as Jaemin walks out of the bathroom. “Huh,” you let out involuntarily, and if you were any less close with Jaemin, you would’ve been embarrassed beyond words. However, he just looks at you with furrowed brows and a curious grin.

“What?” He asks, and you shrug your shoulders as though it were nothing big.

“You look good with blue hair,” you answer, trying your best to be casual about it.

Jaemin’s curious grin had turned into a shiteating one. “Oh, yeah?” He digs, trying to get under your skin; though, you thwart the attempt immediately, instead responding with nonchalance - the exact opposite of what he was reaching for. 

“Well, no more than normal,” you reply, and Jaemin’s brows raise impossibly.

“Now, what does that mean?” He asks playfully, but you just shake your head.

“You’re the fuckboy, Jaemin. You know what I’m getting at.” With that, your attention was back on the iron as it beeped and let you know his shirt was ready. You pull it out from under the heat and turn it around so Jaemin could see the final product, and with a nod of approval, he grabs it from your hands and heads back to the bathroom.

“Looks great, angel,” he finally says, studying his appearance in the mirror before walking back out to the living area. You just drop your head as you feel your face heat up at the compliment. 

“I’ll uh- go get ready,” you say quietly, and then you grab your own costume and hair spray before trading places with him in the bathroom. 

Jaemin doesn’t hide his small smile as he watches you walk back out to the living area in your matching costume with him, and you try your best to pin your focus anywhere other than his soft gaze. “Um- drinking at parties isn’t really my thing so- I can drive us back here afterwards. You can drink however much you want,” you get out awkwardly before moving to sit down next to him on the couch.

Jaemin chuckles lightly in response to your behavior. “Are you sure?” 

You nod your head profusely. “Of course. You enjoy parties a lot. I don’t want you to change an aspect of it just because I’m there, too. So, however much you normally drink…go for it.” 

Jaemin studies your figure with ample doubt covering his features. “I don’t know. Me drinking while knowing I have a ride home typically means I turn into too much to handle,” he jokes, but any form of negative self-talk from him always grounds you, and you’re quick to refute it.

“Not for me,” you say, turning your head to make eye contact with him. “Never for me.” Your soft reassurance has Jaemin simply staring at you, and you quickly turn your head back to face your lap as you overthink every little embarrassing thing you’ve already done tonight. On the other hand, Jaemin didn’t even think twice before leaning over to place a kiss on your cheek. 

Your cheeks puff out with a smile in immediate response to the contact, but as you lift your gaze back up to face Jaemin, your attention is caught by Haechan, who had just walked out of his room in costume - a vampire costume that was already iconic and he hadn’t even done anything yet.

Your soft smile turns into a full-on grin as you address him. “Woah, Hyuck. You look great!” You say with a laugh, and Jaemin whips his head around to face his roommate just to fall into his own bout of laughter.

“Oh, fuck off,” Haechan replies with a playful roll of his eyes as he walks towards the door. “Are you two gonna head out soon?” He asks more seriously, and Jaemin gives a light nod.

“Yeah, we won’t be too far behind you. Y/n just isn’t a huge fan of parties, so we opted for fashionably late rather than fashionably early.” 

Haechan flashes his eyebrows up in acknowledgement before turning back from the front door to face the two of you again. “Alright. Don’t violate the couch too much in the meantime. It’s my favorite couch,” he banters, and this time it’s you and Jaemin to roll your eyes.

“You fuck off,” you say through a grin, and Haechan drops his head with a loud laugh before bringing his gaze back to the two of you with a soft smile.

“I’ll see you guys soon,” he says happily, and with that, he’s out the door.  

It was about thirty minutes later when you and Jaemin entered the party house hand-in-hand. As soon as you got in, you realized your friend group was a lot more popular than you ever thought, because seemingly everyone you went to school with was here. For parties already feeling overwhelming, parties where you could hardly move without bumping into someone were even more so. Though, in the midst of the blaring music, a hundred different conversations, and all the dancing, your attention is turned to your interlocked hand with Jaemin as he gently rubs his thumb across the back of your hand.

You shoot your gaze up at him just to see he’s already staring back down at you softly. Unlike you, he looked completely at home in the party scene, though you figure one can’t truly get labeled a fuckboy without being so. That’s also why you assume he was able to tell you were already uncomfortable from the second you stepped inside. 

Hardly a few feet from the entrance, he leans down to you at his side, speaking slowly in your ear so you could make it out from the rest of the noise. “We’ll stay only as long as you want, okay? If you wanna turn back around right now, we can.”

You shake your head minimally, turning to face him and realizing that action placed your lips dangerously close together. You roll them inwards in hesitation before shifting your gaze to his own. “I’m not going to make you leave super early. You like parties.”

A smirk plays on Jaemin’s lips as he raises an eyebrow at you. “I like you more,” he replies playfully. 

You dart your gaze off to the side, ripping your hand away from his in the process. “I’m fine. Let’s just go find our friends.” You take a step out from the entryway but quickly notice Jaemin isn’t following. You whip your head around to face him just to see his hand outstretched for you again.

“If we’re going to go find our friends, your hand better be in mine,” he quips, causing you to roll your eyes before obliging and lacing your fingers back together. He gives your hand a light squeeze as he flashes you a wide smile and drags you to where he already saw Haechan, Jeno, and Renjun. 

“Hey, you guys look great!” Jeno says with a bright smile as the two of you join their circle. Jaemin finally slides his hand out of yours to instead place it on the small of your back. Despite yourself, a small smile comes onto your face, not at Jeno’s words, but at Jaemin’s touch, and you relax a bit more against his hand.

Jaemin is the one to actually respond as the other two guys turn their attention to the both of you as well. “Thanks! My incredible, beautiful girlfriend made the costumes,” he says, tossing his gaze over to you at his side. You roll your eyes at him, but your smile grows. 

“Making it is not the same as making it look good. You did that all on your own,” you shoot back earnestly. The three guys in front of you throw on a look of disgust, as if they weren’t the ones telling Jaemin he needed a girlfriend. Jaemin just looks over at you with a soft gleam in his eyes, his mouth straining as he tries to conceal a smile. He opts to just kiss you on the cheek instead, then reaching for your far shoulder and pulling you his way. He snakes his arms around you to keep you there in a hug from behind, his thumb gently rubbing up and down your waist. The five of you stood in a circle just talking for at least an hour. Occasionally, one of them would leave to grab drinks for the group, though you were sure to just stick to water the entire night as everyone around you became a comfortable state of tipsy. 

Eventually, Jaemin unwound his arms from your figure, causing you to turn your head and look up at him in question. He lets an easy smile paint his lips. “I’m just running to the bathroom real quick. I’ll come find you again in a few.”

You nod your head, and your eyes follow Jaemin for as long as they could before he became completely indistinguishable from the rest of the crowd. You turn your attention back to Renjun, Jeno, and Haechan. “I’m gonna go find Mark,” you start with an awkward laugh. “I don’t know if he even knows Jaemin and I are here.” The three of them nod at you, Renjun racking his foggy brain for where he thinks he last saw him. You nod, thanking them for their company so far, and then heading off towards the kitchen under the guidance of Renjun’s memory. 

When Jaemin steps out of the bathroom, he almost immediately runs into the body of another guy. Opening his mouth to apologize, the guest beats him to words.

“Jaemin, nice costume,” he says, and Jaemin loses his tension at the compliment.

“Oh, thank you-” He starts, but is quickly cut off again by the stranger.

“You got another one of your hoes to match with tomorrow?” He slurs with a smile, throwing an arm around Jaemin’s shoulder.

Jaemin’s eyes widen as he snakes out under the touch, guiding their hand back down to their side. “Uh, no, y/n’s my girlfriend. It’s just her and we’re just out for tonight,” he replies, turning his gaze away from the man to instead scan the crowd and try to lay eyes back on you.

“Ha! Good one,” the guy laughs out, and Jaemin snaps his gaze back to him in confusion.

“Good one?” He echoes back in question, but with a hard slap on his back that Jaemin thinks was meant to be playful, his conversation partner quickly leaves. Jaemin stands there for a moment puzzled, but he tries to shake out of the uncomfortable feeling as he directs his gaze back to the big crowd, looking for where you may have wandered off to once he sees you’re no longer with the previous group.

He quickly realizes he wouldn’t be able to find you by standing in one place, so he picks up his feet and starts weaving through the crowd again. When he feels a hand on his back, he assumes it’s you, and he whips around towards the figure. His face quickly drops when he realizes it isn’t you, and suddenly he’s extremely conscious of how everyone’s been touching him tonight. 

“Such a shame your costume shows so little skin,” the girl says with a small pout and a fake innocence in her eyes. Jaemin tries to take a step back, just to bump into more people dancing and forcing him back into close proximity. He swallows hard, accepting the fact that he was having to engage in this conversation now.

“My girlfriend picked it out,” he says firmly, and the girl in front of him just tilts her head to the side, now rubbing a hand up and down his arm.

“Well, she’s ruining the fun,” she replies, something like pity in her eyes as she looks at Jaemin. He furrows his brows, his breath getting heavier as the air seems to get thinner. 

“Um, I- I think I’m still fun without showing skin,” Jaemin fumbles out, and the girl just laughs, finally letting her hand drop from his arm as her doe-eyed expression turns mean.

“You’d like to believe that,” she says, shaking her head and walking off.

Jaemin stared after her in a weird mix of hurt and confusion that he hadn’t ever felt before. “What?” He asks in defeat, but there was no one there to give him any clarification. 

He desperately starts looking around for you again. If he could just get back to you, if he could just slip his hand into yours, he was sure the heavy weight that’s found its way onto his chest would disappear. He was shaking, he didn’t know when he had started shaking, but it seemed to take the place of his breathing, and now he was worried about whether or not he would even have time to find you before he suffocated. Almost all the effort he was placing into finding you was now being placed into holding back his tears. Everything was too loud, he couldn’t hear his own thoughts, couldn’t hear his voice if he spoke aloud, suddenly not sure if he was even getting any words out when he opened his mouth, which only worried him more because he was dying and he couldn’t tell anyone. 

Holding your hand, it was the only positive thought he could seem to cling to, the only thing keeping him from collapsing to the floor in a ball - he had to find you, he wanted to hold your hand. He thinks it’s a miracle that his feet are able to start moving again, especially when someone definitely put 50 lb weights in his shoes without him knowing. 

He finally lays eyes on you, now in the kitchen talking with Mark, Chenle, and Jisung. Though you were maybe ten feet away, it might as well have been miles, as another hand gets placed on his chest from a random girl in front of him. “James, let me know if you get bored of Jessie later. I can give you a good time,” she says with a smirk, and Jaemin feels like he’s going to throw up; though he can’t quite tell if that was because of her words or the whirlwind of the past three minutes. In fact, if he knew just how badly he was shaking, he would’ve questioned how she didn’t feel it when she placed her hand on his chest. 

He shakes his head as quickly as he could without getting too dizzy to continue his trek towards you. “No, I quite like Jessie,” he says through hiccups, not sure when the first stray tear made its way down his cheek. He pushes past the girl without giving her time to respond and make him feel worse. All he wanted was you, and when he finally got close enough to place his shaky hand in yours, all he could manage were whispered words that he prayed would reach you, or at least leave his mouth at all. 

“Please don’t leave me.”

Still in conversation with Mark, Chenle, and Jisung, you don’t turn too much attention to Jaemin slightly behind you as you settle your hand into his touch, but that’s when you feel how badly he’s shaking. “Jaem, are you okay?” You ask at your side, though your eyes remained trained on Chenle as he told the least dramatic story in the most dramatic way.

“There’s a lot of people here,” Jaemin whimpers out, the answer confusing enough to pull your focus away from Chenle. 

“I know-” You start, your gaze following from your interlocked hands up his arm and to his face, but that’s when you actually see the state he’s in and your face instantly falls into worry. A steady stream of tears cascaded down his cheeks, his eyes tightly shut to block out the extra stimulation, only opening them to look at you before promptly getting embarrassed and turning away. You immediately squeeze his hand a little tighter in your hold, getting him to train his eyes back on you. You pick up your words as he does so, careful to hide your immense worry in your tone and instead speaking softly for him. “Hey…let’s get you to a quieter room, okay?”

Jaemin nods his head minimally, able to let out a choked response. “Okay.” You take no extra time in telling the others that you were going to have to get filled in on the story later. Instead, you just make sure your grip on Jaemin’s hand is enough to not lose him while navigating through the crowd as you immediately lead him upstairs and into an empty room. 

“Talk to me, what’s going on?” You say, closing the door and turning on a soft lamp light before you whip back around to watch Jaemin pace the entire floor, his fingers running frantically through his hair. 

“I don’t know. Everyone keeps talking to me and touching me and everything is so loud and my head hurts and it’s so hot I’m sweating and dizzy and freaking out-” He spoke all at once, and you knew the last thing he needed was to run out of breath while explaining. You jump to cut him off, still trying your best to make your voice as calming as possible for him.

“Hey…it’s gonna be okay. Can you sit down for me?” The second you said it, Jaemin was on the floor, his heavy breaths visibly not making it to his whole body. Your eyes soften some more as you look at him. It didn’t take a genius to tell you he’s never been in this situation before, and all he knew to do was trust you. You let out a soft sigh as you move closer to him. “I know you said you’re hot and sweaty and overwhelmed with touch, but is it okay if I hug you?”

“Please.” The word comes out weak, riddled with enough tears to make you break. You sit down behind him, placing your legs out along his own outstretched ones as you gently hug him from behind.  

“You can close your eyes, just focus on my voice. You’re gonna be okay,” you state with confidence, rubbing a thumb gently up and down his side. Jaemin is quick to refute, shaking his head with an intensity you wish he wouldn’t right now.

“No, y/n, it feels like I’m dying,” he says, fear covering every aspect of his voice. You let out a soft sigh.

“You’re not dying, you’re panicking.” This, too, he refuses to accept. His response comes out as firm as it could through tears.

“I don’t panic. I’m the cool guy. I’m not panicking, I’m dying.”

Despite yourself, a small laugh escapes you through an exhale, and you hug Jaemin to you extra tight. “Baby, no matter how cool you are, there’s not a person in the world completely immune to panic attacks.”

Jaemin stills for a moment, the sudden switch confusing you before he speaks and confuses you even more. “I thought you didn’t like that word,” he says, wiping his face of tears and then placing his hands on your own arms around his torso. 

You furrow your eyebrows, though with him in front of you, there was no point. “What word?” You ask. Surely he wasn’t talking about the word ‘panic attack’ but racking your brain, there was nothing else you said that wasn’t just a normal word.

“You don’t know you said it,” he says curiously, a small sniffle coming from his figure as he tries his own attempt at a light laugh. 

“What are you talking about, Jaem?” You question again. At this point, you were sure one of you was going crazy, and you really were banking on it not being you. Though, Jaemin just dismisses the subject, and with you sitting behind him, you missed the small smile that now covered his features.

“Nothing, please just continue holding me like this,” he begs softly, and you nod your head, squeezing him tighter for a second.

“I’m not going anywhere,” you reply seriously, and there you and Jaemin sat for at least another ten minutes; the only noise to break the silence was his occasional cries as he still tried to rid himself of tears and calm down completely. 

When you couldn’t remember his last sniffle, you start to rub your thumb up and down a portion of his waist, disrupting the physical stillness before you spoke and disrupted the silence.

“I wanna get you some water soon,” you say gently, but any attempt to move from your position was shot down as Jaemin quickly fumbled to grab your arms and press them firmly back down across his torso, his body beginning to shake again at the idea of you getting up.

“No! Don’t leave! Please,” he chokes out, and almost all of the progress you thought he made in the past few minutes was erased.

You sigh, and refusing to think about the fact that you were practically breaking your own rule, you lean forward to kiss him on the cheek. “I’m staying right next to you, Jaem,” you start, and you watch as he basically forces his breathing to get back to normal at your words…or at least tries to. “Do you want me to call Jeno and get him to bring up water for you, or do you want to follow me down to the kitchen, grab a water bottle, and leave?”  

Jaemin thinks for a moment before dropping his head in what you assume was shame, which was the last thing he needed to be feeling. “I- can we leave?”

You squeeze your arms around his body once more in acknowledgement. “Yeah, come on,” you reply, and the two of you slowly make your way off the floor and into a standing position. As you let go of his waist, you immediately grab his hand in yours, looking up at Jaemin for confirmation that this was what he wanted to do. He stared back down at you with a teary smile and nod, and with that, you led him out of the bedroom and back downstairs. 

Thankfully, Mark, Chenle, and Jisung were still in the kitchen, meaning you had to cover no extra ground to fill Mark in on your departure. 

“Hey, I’m gonna take Jaemin home,” you say, turning to face Mark after grabbing a water bottle from the fridge he was standing next to.

Mark furrows his brows. “Everything okay?” He asks, knowing Jaemin wasn’t one to leave parties early, nor was he one to have tear streaks painted across his face.

You try to smile but it comes out more as a grimace. “Yeah, he’s just a little overwhelmed today. Thank you for inviting us, though. It was a blast.” 

Mark nods his head in understanding. “Thanks for coming. Are you driving?”

“Yeah,” you reply, and Mark forces some sobriety back in his system.

“You haven’t had anything to drink, have you?” He asks in worry, and you let a grateful smile paint your face as you respond.

“No, I’m okay.”

Mark nods before taking another sip of his own drink. “Okay. Be safe. I’ll see you guys soon.” You reciprocate his nod in acknowledgement and then immediately lead Jaemin towards the front door and back to the car.

You make sure he’s all taken care of in the passenger seat before you start messing with the controls in the driver’s seat to move it to where you could actually drive. You make a mental note to apologize about changing the position of his seat and mirrors tomorrow after everything’s calmed down, but as you start driving, Jaemin is the one to beat you to an apology. 

“I’m sorry,” he says weakly, and you risk a quick glance over at him with furrowed brows.

“Huh, why?”

Jaemin fiddles with his fingers in his lap, unable to look anywhere else because of his embarrassment. “For making you leave the party. You were having fun,” he answers softly, and despite your best efforts, a small laugh escapes you.

“Jaem, I was having fun because all we did was hang around with our group of friends. I don’t care for parties in and of themselves, you know that. Truthfully, I’d rather just be with you right now,” you say, and as you pull up to a stop sign, you look back over at him again. Defeat riddled his features as he spits out a response.

“But I’m just crying.” He speaks those words as though he were mad at himself for it, and you don’t understand how your best friend came to believe that he always had to be some perfectly presented guy.

You let out a sigh before turning your attention back to the road. “It doesn’t change the fact that I like spending time with you. Besides, you’d be crazy to think I’d rather be anywhere else right now when you’ve got me so worried about you.” When the only response from Jaemin is another sob he tries to cover up, you frown. “I’m not mad at you for making us leave the party early, and I’m not mad at you for crying,” you add on, and Jaemin finally lifts his head to look over at you in his driver’s seat. He seems to scan your figure up and down, processing your words and the fact that you were actually taking care of him right now. He sniffles once more before abruptly turning his focus back to his lap, and the car ride is silent the rest of the way to his apartment. 

As soon as Jaemin gets into his own room, he already looks a thousand times better; the tension in his shoulders finally falls and his breathing gets more regular. You scavenge around his apartment for anything he may need during the night and next morning, because outside of his panic attack, he was still tipsy, too. 

With a fresh water bottle and ibuprofen set on his night stand, you bid Jaemin goodnight, running a hand gently through his hair as he laid down in bed. However, before you can fully turn around and leave, Jaemin catches the hand you just had in his hair. In shock, you whip back around, just to be met with wide pleading eyes.

“Please stay,” he says softly, and your breath hitches for a moment before you resume your cool, or at least try to.

“Jaemin-” You start, your tone already giving way to your refusal. Though, Jaemin cuts you off in an instant, his grip on you getting slightly tighter.

“You said you wouldn’t leave me,” he shoots back, and his voice is already shaky again from the sudden raise in volume of his claim.

You sigh, trying to slowly snake your hand out of his grip as you reply. “Yeah, but I was kind of meaning that for while we were still at the party, not…now, when you’re going to sleep.”

He refuses to let you out of his hold, and he pulls you even closer to the end of the bed. “What if Haechan comes back?” He starts, trying his best to talk normally. “He’d be really confused as to why you didn’t stay over after the night I had.”

Despite yourself, you let out a small laugh. “There’s no shot Haechan makes it back tonight or is sober enough to think about anything but getting in bed himself. You’re just saying that to try and convince me.”

He finally lets his grip on you drop as he lets out a heavy breath bordering on the dividing line between defeat and hope. “Is it working?” He asks, and though you were finally free from his grasp, able to just say a final goodnight and leave to head back to your place, you don’t. Instead, you drop your head, speaking so softly you’re not sure Jaemin would even be able to hear.

“I want the side next to the wall.” 

With your gaze facing the floor, you couldn’t see the sudden warm glow behind Jaemin’s eyes as he pulled back the comforter on that side and pulled his legs up so you could crawl over by the foot of the bed, neither of you saying another word as you do. 

Jaemin didn’t know why he was so captivated by watching you fall asleep in his bed. The two of you must’ve been at least a full foot away from each other, as you immediately made sure to press up against the wall and make yourself as small as you could. That was fine by Jaemin. He wasn’t asking for the two of you to cuddle in the first place - this was still a fake relationship after all, and he was very much aware of that. In fact, that truth was probably more plaguing than ever at the front of his mind. Now instead of a reminder that he had to pretend to date you, it was a reminder that this was ending in two months. Jaemin’s tipsy brain couldn’t put together what the sinking feeling in his chest meant at the realization of that. So, he pushed it away, and just looked over at you sleeping peacefully right up against the wall. He didn’t need to have his arms around you - knowing you were next to him was enough, and for the first time that night since the party started, he was completely at peace.

When you wake up and realize you were more comfortable than usual in your bed, you open your eyes and figure out that it’s because you’re not in your bed. In fact, you’re hardly resting against a bed at all. Instead, one of your arms is lazily thrown over your best friend’s waist as your head rested comfortably, incredibly too comfortably, on his chest. The discovery that your legs were some kind of interlaced didn’t make things any better, and the full realization that you were practically on top of Jaemin had you jolt. This, of course, didn’t do anything but wake him up. With your head now propped up on his chest, you watch as he slowly peeks open one of his eyes, exhaustion still written over all his features. However, the second his gaze lands on you, he shoots open both eyes. Embarrassment quickly floods your being as you address everything. “Uh, sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

You’re cut off with a light chuckle and softly spoken words from Jaemin. “You’re okay.” Regardless of his response, you can’t shake the embarrassment. Jaemin’s arms fall from around your body as you try to get up, and that’s when you realize both of his arms were wrapped around you in the first place. You push the thought to the back of your head, turning to get off of his bed completely. 

You’re stopped by his hand grabbing yours. You quickly turn your attention back to Jaemin, who still had yet to move any part of his body but his arms as he looks at you softly, pleading. “Can we go back to sleep?”

You swallow awkwardly, your throat now suddenly dry. You dart your eyes around his room before sighing and just landing your gaze back on him. “Um, do you still need me here for that?” You ask genuinely. Jaemin breaks eye contact this time, as he just looks down at your two hands still holding onto each other. He gives a slow nod of his head, humming a little. 

You bite your lip to stop a smile from coming onto your face. It wasn’t often that you got to see your best friend looking as gentle and small as he did now. Jaemin, with the larger than life personality just wanting to stay in bed with you, it was hard to say ‘no.’ So, you don’t. “Okay.” Though when you move to resume your position back by the wall, he chuckles a bit and uses your still interlocked hands to pull you back onto him. 

The next two days after you woke up on top of Jaemin (again) were filled with an awkward period of zero contact between the two of you. You couldn’t blame him for not responding to your text to hang out the day after. You were both really good at never crossing lines back in high school, but Halloween put a blur on every single one…and it didn’t help that he was tipsy that night, too. Outside of whatever rules in your contract were broken, you were sure Jaemin was also just embarrassed to no end. 

There was a lot of pressure on him to be this man with no emotions; his label as a fuckboy meant people typically started and stopped all their thoughts about him at the sexual level, and he did his best to live up to their many expectations in that department, neglecting all the other parts of his being that needed tending to. Vulnerability was not a Jaemin specialty, largely because it’s never what anyone was looking for from him; and anything that lessened his sex appeal, and thus meant he couldn’t make a call and immediately have any girl he wanted, was a possibility he sought to avoid. 

You didn’t necessarily mind the no-contact, though. Your heart was doing flips and spins in Jaemin’s presence on Halloween, and you had to give yourself a cool-down period before seeing him so that you could act normal around him again - whatever it was that ‘normal’ looked like when you were having to convince a group of friends that you liked your best friend while convincing your best friend you didn’t actually like him. 

Jaemin made up an excuse for your absence at Monday’s lunch, but on Tuesday he finally messaged you again and asked you out for ice cream, which you of course said ‘yes’ to. He meets you at the entrance to your dorm and smiles at you with something like a sigh of relief when you smile back at him; though, with his messy hair, thick-framed glasses, and a hoodie adorning his figure, it was hard to do anything but smile - he looked criminally boyfriend. 

“Hey, I’m- sorry…for it being weird these past few days,” he gets out somewhat awkwardly as you start on your walk towards the best ice cream parlor by campus. 

You shake your head with a small laugh. “It’s okay. You’ve been going through it recently,” you joke, and Jaemin licks his lips before bringing himself to laugh as well. 

“Thanks for uh- putting up with me on Halloween.” He speaks as though the words were bitter on his tongue. “I’m sorry about forcing you to spend the night.” 

You let out a sigh. You wanted to stop and force him to see the sincerity in your eyes as you told him that you weren’t ‘putting up with him,’ but you knew you needed to keep this moment more casual so he wouldn’t find these vulnerable bits overwhelming and consequently shut down. So instead, you just keep walking with a small shake of your head.

“You don’t have to apologize for that. You just had a panic attack - if I didn’t spend the night, I wouldn’t have gotten any sleep. I would’ve stayed up all night worried about you. It was better that I was with you.” 

Jaemin lets something like a grimace cross his features as he responds with a wry laugh. “You care about me a lot,” he points out, making you look up at him by your side with raised brows.

“Of course I do. You’re my best friend,” you say seriously, and Jaemin looks down to meet your gaze, giving away the distant look in his eyes.

“Ha, fair,” he begins. “I care about you a lot, too.” As he continues, he drops his head to face his feet. “But I don’t think I’d know how to take care of you while you’re having a panic attack,” he admits regrettably, but all you can do is give a soft smile.

“I’m not expecting you to. All I ask is that you let me be there for you again if you have another one…and that you stop being so embarrassed about showing emotions,” you tack on, causing Jaemin to laugh a bit in defeat.

“Okay, angel, but only with you. I have a hot guy persona to keep up in the real world,” he says through a smile, but you shake your head.

“You’re hot, regardless,” you deadpan, and Jaemin’s face lights up as he nudges you in the side playfully.

“Well, look at that! You sweet talker. Maybe I’ll pay for your ice cream today,” he banters, and soon the two of you are in shared laughter as you elbow him back. 

“Whatever. I’m 80% sure you were gonna pay for my ice cream even before that.”

“80%?” He echos, bringing a hand up to his chest as though he’s been shot. “Such little faith,” he tuts, shaking his head and making you roll your eyes playfully.

“Am I supposed to have more faith in a fuckboy than that?” You tease, and Jaemin’s face falls into a mock seriousness, holding open the door to the ice cream parlor for you as he looks at your figure with raised eyebrows. 

“No, you’re supposed to have more faith in your best friend than that,” he says as you pass through the door, and you look back at him to share matching small smiles.

“Yeah, yeah, I know. I have nothing but faith in you,” you reply as he, too, fully steps inside and lets the door swing closed behind him. The proximity has you looking almost directly up at him as he stares down at you in much the same manner; playful gleams in your eyes and fond smiles adorning your faces. At once, he nods his head towards the counter behind you.

“Go order, angel. It’s on me today.” 

You scrunch your face up at him with a big grin. “Thanks, handsome.” Then you promptly turn around and head towards where the cashier was waiting to take your order, not even taking one chance to look back and see how red Jaemin’s face had gotten in response. 

Jaemin knew it was coming, that was the funny thing. He just wasn’t expecting the disconnect between his head and his heart to be remedied all at once; but looking at you standing in line and pointing at what flavor you wanted, he had never wanted to do this with anyone else, but he really really wanted it with you, today and every day after that.

Sitting down and actually eating ice cream included the most normal of conversations between you and Jaemin. He wasn’t your best friend for nothing - the two of you could talk forever and never run out of things to say or comfort and joy to find in each other’s presence. As such, when you finished your ice cream cones and left the parlor, interaction flowed as it always had while he walked you back to your dorm…meaning the two of you looked like just best friends; close enough on the sidewalk to hear each other but far enough apart so that there was no possibility of accidentally grazing the back of each other’s hands or anything. You were hardly conscious of it, elated at the fact that you and Jaemin were so close and consistent again after the past few years, but Jaemin could practically only focus on the distance between the two of you.

You had basically just stepped foot back on actual campus when Jaemin abruptly stopped, grabbing your wrist and turning you towards him as he spoke in a rush.

“My friends are looking, kiss me,” he says in something close to a panic, and so you immediately oblige, pressing up on your tiptoes to kiss him firmly. You place your hands on his chest to steady yourself as you break away, catching your breath - something that Jaemin always seemed to make you lose - as you turn your head around to look at the surrounding area.

“Where are they?” You ask through a light pant, turning back to Jaemin once you checked and double checked but caught no sign of his friends. 

Jaemin licks his lips hesitantly, shaking his head. “They must have left already,” he says through an exhale, and you take a deep breath, finally allowing yourself to step away from Jaemin’s body as you face the ground, trying to regain your footing from the whiplash it felt you just went through. Jaemin lets out an awkward cough before speaking up again. “We should probably hold hands all the time when we’re in public, though. I’m pretty sure Chenle’s the only suspicious one still out of the friend group, but it’d throw anyone off if we’re dating and not holding hands. And if there’s one thing I learned from the Halloween party, it’s that people don’t know we’re dating, and that should probably change so it doesn’t just look like an act put on for the friend group…or Chenle’s never gonna believe it.” 

He wasn’t wrong, and you knew that - you knew that before all of this even started. Rule number three was that the act is immediately dropped in private, but that came with the other side of things being that you had to put on an act while in public, regardless of who was around to witness it. 

You nod your head slowly. “Yeah, okay,” you cede, and Jaemin’s hand immediately finds yours, the warmth from the contact making you realize how chilled your bones currently were. There was no more hiding it from girls in your classes now - you were Jaemin’s girlfriend to the general public, not just to his six best friends. You needed these next two months to pass by quickly, because with the promise of Jaemin’s hand being in yours more than ever, you were sure your chances of survival just decreased dramatically. 

That Friday, your date night was replaced with a night in at Jaemin’s apartment. As soon as he shot you a text saying he was home from class, you made your way over to his place. He opened the door with the bright smile he typically revealed just for you, stepping back to let you inside with a fond, “hey angel.” 

You step inside with a smile and small greeting in reply. “What do you wanna do today?” You ask, turning around to face him once you realize you were aimlessly crossing the span of his apartment for no reason. Already preparing for the question, Jaemin moves his hand from behind his back to reveal a thick blu-ray case in his grip.

“Harry Potter movie marathon?” He asks with a smirk.

You look back at him with raised eyebrows and a small grin of your own. “You know I can’t say ‘no’ to Harry Potter at any point in the Fall or Winter seasons,” you reply, and Jaemin’s eyes find a new glow behind them.

“That and Gilmore Girls; though I’m much more in the mood for Harry Potter because if we started rewatching Gilmore Girls now, we’d have to get through all those episodes with that floppy-haired jerk and really, Jess is so much better,” he adds on seriously, and all you can do is laugh. 

“Hey, Dean is at least better than Logan,” you respond, and Jaemin lets out an actual groan.

“Please don’t get me started on Logan…can we instead get started on Harry Potter?” He asks again, waving the disc case around invitingly and causing you to laugh some more as you walk towards the couch. 

“Just waiting on you,” you answer as you plop down on the couch, making Jaemin roll his eyes playfully before turning around to set everything up on the TV. As the familiar soundtrack fills the room, Jaemin places himself next to you like normal, handing you a blanket to make the cozy night-in complete. 

Two hours later, as Jaemin got up to switch out the discs from The Sorcerer’s Stone to The Chamber of Secrets, you got up for a bathroom break, and when the two of you sat back down, there was maybe an inch less space between you both than previously. Not much else changed. That is, until not even ten minutes into the second movie. You catch in your peripheral as Jaemin moves his hand up to scratch at the back of his neck. You don’t think anything of it until that arm doesn’t come back down to his side, but instead wraps around the back of your shoulders.

“Is Haechan here?” You ask lightly, trying to talk over the sound of your breath hitching. Haechan’s room was closest to the bathroom, and you don’t remember any sign of life coming from nearby while you were in there, but nothing else explained this, because this was not normal between the two of you. 

“No,” Jaemin answers shortly, and all you can do is swallow hesitantly as you fight for words again.

“Then why is your arm around my shoulder?” You ask, trying to make it sound as though your words were a playful tease and not a desperate question. 

Jaemin looks over at you with raised eyebrows and a playful smirk. “Because what if he comes back?” He replies casually, and you try to roll your eyes in much the same manner, as though his arm around your shoulder wasn’t single-handedly making your heart rate spike. He was right, anyway - if Haechan came back, it would be weird for the two of you to be sitting any other way.

It was during Prisoner of Azkaban when Haechan inevitably walked into the apartment. Busy with locking the door behind him, he was caught off guard when locking eyes with the two of you as he turned back around. Though, all at once, his gaze softened as he looked between you, Jaemin, and the television. “Hey guys,” he says warmly, and you mentally high-five yourself not only for the fact that you and Jaemin seemed to have truly won Haechan over, but also that you had won Haechan over; the main reason this bet was even made was because Haechan couldn’t stand whatever girl it was that Jaemin had over, but here he was, excited to see you cuddled into Jaemin on the couch, and that win was not lost on you. 

“Hey,” Jaemin replied with a smile. “We’re watching Harry Potter if you want to join,” he continues, but Haechan shakes his head at the extended invite as he moves to grab something from the mess that was the kitchen counter.

“Tempting, but- I’m all good. I’m about to head back out, actually. Mark and I are gonna hit a few bars and try to unwind from this bullshit week,” he says with a weak laugh. You and Jaemin flash your eyebrows in acknowledgement. 

“Let me know if you need a ride back home. We’ll swing by to grab you and Mark, or- I will, at least, depending on what time it ends up being. Regardless, be safe. I enjoy having you as a roommate,” Jaemin says, his tone turning more playful with every word. 

Haechan rolls his eyes with a smile. “Yeah, yeah. I won’t drink and drive. We all know I’m smarter than that,” he says, but when he makes eye contact with you and Jaemin again, he meets your wide-eyed stares of doubt, causing him to shake his head with a more hearty laugh. “You guys suck,” he says with a smile. “I’ll keep you updated throughout the night. It was nice seeing you, y/n,” he continues seriously, beginning to fiddle with the front door lock on his exit.

“You, too,” you reply genuinely, and with one more nod and wave goodbye, he was out the door. It wasn’t even five seconds later when Jaemin’s arm detaches itself from your shoulder, instead finding comfort at his side again. He didn’t pay any mind to it, his attention pinned solely on the movie. You do your best to not show any physical reaction to the absence of his touch, especially when you were the one giving him a hard time for it in the first place. You’re almost shocked by how well Jaemin is able to turn it on and off, though you figure the real problem was how poorly you were able to do the same. Jaemin was just doing his part, exactly as he said he would. 

Your heart had to stop looking for hidden meaning to every touch, every “angel,” because he was your best friend and crush, but you were his best friend and fake-girlfriend. Unbeknownst to you, Jaemin ran through the same spiel in reverse inside his own head, figuring if he kept his arm around you now with the promise of Haechan being gone, you would surely catch onto the fact that he craved your touch more than typical of best friends - which was exactly what you both were going back to at the start of the new year.

It was the first Tuesday after you and Jaemin agreed to ramp up your public dating facade, and you were already the center of attention as you walked into class at 11:00. You tell yourself no one’s gaze locked onto you as you opened the door for class - that you were making it up; but at least some percent of that story was false, because as you sit in your chair and start pulling out your notebook for class, your name gets called from the seat diagonal to you. “Y/n, rumor has it that you and Jaemin are actually dating,” this girl, Hana, says. You knew she was looking for a response, so you don’t give her one, instead focusing on your pen mindlessly rolling between your fingers. 

“You? With a guy like him?” She continues, adding more bite and disbelief to each word. You keep your gaze focused in front of you, jaw tightening as you try to hide more robust reactions. That is, until she continues. “You can’t be that good in bed.” Your fist clenches as you whip your head towards her; furrowed, taunting eyebrows matching the fire in her eyes and the smirk on her lips, the rest of her friend group snickering behind her. You have the patience for none of it - you were not going to sit here and take this.

“Actually,” you begin, your kind tone dripping in sarcasm. “I know this is something you don’t have experience with, so bear with me, but Jaemin genuinely likes me as a person and so I didn’t have to win him over with just my skills in bed. Yeah! He actually wants to hold my hand and tell me pretty things and I’m just so sorry that he never had the desire to do any of that with the likes of you!” You give her one last look before shrugging a bit, even your fake smile completely ridden from your face. “Actually, I’m not sorry at all.”

Hana looks mortified, her friend group in the surrounding desks all watching the exchange now with wide eyes. You don’t even think any of them saw it coming when Hana got up from her seat and lunged towards you, swinging at your face. “You bitch!” She yells at you, her fist making contact with the area around your eye. You wince slightly but you refused to give her the satisfaction of a bigger reaction - you’d leave that for when you were alone. You move your hand up to touch the area, making sure none of her rings caught your skin and drew blood, but when your fingers came back clean, you just move your gaze back to her in disinterest.

“Are you done now?” You ask monotonously. You catch her fist clench again in your peripheral and prepare yourself for another hit because seemingly none of the other students were concerned with stopping the exchange. However, your professor finally walks in before Hana can even get another word out, and instead she’s told to take her seat as you swing back to face the front of the room in your own chair. The throbbing that half of your face was currently experiencing would have to wait an hour and twenty minutes to be addressed, you weren’t letting her win.

Thankfully, that was your last of two classes for the day, so you were able to head back to your dorm directly after. You throw your backpack down in the entryway and immediately head for your bathroom to assess the damages. “Fuck,” you whisper under your breath. The hour and a half was enough time for a proper bruise to start forming, and it wasn’t necessarily the prettiest of black eyes. You move a hand up to touch the area again, this time just the light pressure already putting you in horrid pain. With a defeated groan, you leave the bathroom and dig through your freezer for an ice pack to hold up to the area instead. 

Settling yourself down on the couch, you decide the last thing you need is for Jaemin to see you like this. With a sigh, you open your phone and pull up your texts with him. Hey, just a heads up, I don’t have a lot of time to hang this week or make it to friend group lunches.  

Jaemin’s reply is almost instantaneous. Is everything okay?

You frown at the message. You hated lying to your best friend, but explaining what was up would defeat the whole purpose of saying you couldn’t hang out anyways. Yep! You reply instead, thankful when Jaemin didn’t press any further. You’d give yourself a week to heal, and then you were sure makeup would be able to cover what little would be left of the bruising by then.

Those plans didn’t even last twenty-four hours. There was a knock on your door after classes on Wednesday and you figured it was your RA here to remind you not to leave your windows open while out at class with the chances of snow ever increasing. Though, when you lazily throw your door open, it’s your best friend on the other side. Your eyes go wide and you immediately move a hand up to cover the left half of your face where your black eye was still very much at its peak. “Jaemin, what are you doing here?!” You ask in a rush, but he doesn’t match your demeanor at all.

Instead, he shrugs, a light smile painting his lips. “I missed you, angel-” He answers as he brings a hand up to your wrist and gently guides your own hand down away from your face…and that’s when his energy completely flips, eyes going wide as he rushes to place a hand on your cheek and assess the damage himself. “Oh my god, what happened to you?!” He asks in a panic. You shake your head adamantly, trying to move his hand away from your face as you reply with a serious bite.

“Nothing, it’s fine,” you reply dismissively, and Jaemin’s eyebrows furrow as he scans your entire face.

“Is this why you said you couldn’t hang out?” He asks, almost mad if you had to put an emotion on it.

You shake your head, dropping your gaze to face the floor. “Jaem, don’t worry about it-” You start indifferently, but he cuts you off with enough emotion for the both of you. 

“What happened?” He questions again, this time his tone much firmer than any of his previous questions. His gaze bore into you, and you knew there wasn’t any getting out of this. You let out an annoyed sigh, shrugging like it was nothing as you go to reply.

“This girl in my class found out we were dating, and apparently that pissed her off because she didn’t think I deserved you or I was taking her spot and all that. And I snapped back so she punched me,” you finally answer, and Jaemin’s body language immediately softens as he looks over you once more with a frown and wide eyes.

“Y/n…” You don’t want to deal with his sorry tone. Instead, you move to meet his gaze again as you shake your head, the frustrated tears in your eyes rather revealing themself in your fractured tone.

“Please just sleep with her, Jaem. Tell her we broke up or something and then sleep with her. Or pretend you’re cheating on me with her…she’d love that, and no one would believe her if she said so, so we keep our cover,” you suggest in a rush, and Jaemin looks at you as though you just committed murder.

“No. Absolutely not,” he replies instantly.

“Jaem-” You start through a defeated exhale, but hearing you out was currently the last thing on Jaemin’s mind.

“I’m not fucking sleeping with someone who hurt you,” he states with force, and you don’t know why this is such a big deal to him, not when the solution was this simple.

“I would just rather have her satisfied and dealt with,” you respond hollowly, and Jaemin actually lets out a laugh.

“Oh, I’ll be sure to deal with her, don’t worry.” His angry promise makes you sigh, and all you can do is respond in defeat.

“Jaem-” You begin, and you’re not given any time to decide how you want to continue as he cuts you off. Passion still courses through Jaemin’s body as he shakes his head, taking a break from clenching his jaw to speak again.

“She should know better than to lay a hand on my girl,” he argues, and now you absolutely know you need to get him to calm down.

“I’m not really your girl,” you state plainly, and if you weren’t already feeling deflated, you sure did now as you admitted that. Jaemin seems to react to your statement in much the same way, his features softening for a moment as he looked at you again, bringing a hand up to run through his hair in frustration; though this time, the frustration was aimed towards himself. 

“I- I know. I’m sorry, I never should have asked you to do this for me. I was so selfish, goddammit,” he rambles under his breath absentmindedly as he begins to pace back and forth. You shake your head softly, reaching out to catch Jaemin’s wrist and force his movements to still.

“It’s fine, handsome,” you state firmly, and you watch as a million emotions run over Jaemin’s face, him just sucking on his bottom lip in hesitation. The hand that was previously caught in your grip comes up to cup your cheek again, his thumb lightly grazing your bruise as he studies you with a sad look on his face. 

“No, angel,” he begins with a sigh. “It’s really not.” 

You falter under his soft gaze and sure words, shaking your head as you fumble for words of your own. “It will be fine, then. Just let me lay low for a bit. I probably won’t be at lunch on Friday…I don’t necessarily need your friends seeing me beat up like this,” you try and laugh off.

Jaemin looks at you quizzically. “They wouldn’t-” He begins, but you cut him off with pleading eyes.

“Jaem, please,” you counter, and he just nods his head solemnly. 

“Okay.” He lets out a breath before darting his gaze around from you to the rest of the living area, locking eyes with your backpack and giving him a reason to stay in your presence for a bit longer. “Can we do homework together?” He asks, and you lightly sigh as you nod your head, guiding his hand down from your cheek so you could instead head towards the couch and set everything up on the coffee table for the two of you. 

Your main distraction from homework came in the form of whatever was on the television. Jaemin’s main distraction came in the form of you; he could hardly finish one part of an assignment without turning his head to look over at you, chewing on his bottom lip as he studied you softly, then whipping his gaze back to his laptop before you could ever feel his eyes on you. It was the least productive he's ever been.

Friday was the next time you saw Jaemin, when he came over as per usual for your ‘date nights.’ However, with you missing the friend group lunch for the second time this week, he immediately greeted you with a related request. “Hey, the guys miss you. They wanted to know if you were down for a movie night tomorrow,” he says casually as he closes the door behind him. 

You turn to face him with a straight face. “Jaem, my black eye isn’t going to be-” You watch as Jaemin rolls his lips inward and dodges your eye contact, and all you can do is let out a heavy sigh. “You told them, didn’t you?” You ask instead, and Jaemin’s hidden lips reappear to form a weak don’t-be-mad grin. That is, until he meets your eyes again and lets out his own sigh, shrugging his shoulders as he resets his facial expression to something more casual again.

“They wanted to know where you were,” he says in defense. You watch as the memory of lunch replays behind his eyes and he tilts his head slightly as he looks at you with an anticipatory cringe in how you were going to respond as he continues. “…and now they’re all pissed and want to be there to make you feel better, too,” he finishes with a dorky smile, as though his full set of teeth would fix everything. Unfortunately, he was right about that, and all you can manage is a huff of laughter as you shake your head. 

“Oh my. Sure, we can have a movie night,” you give in with a smile, and Jaemin lights up before pulling out his phone to text the group that the plans for tomorrow are a go. Then, your Friday night with Jaemin consisted of a large pizza, red wine, and board games. 

That Saturday night, Jaemin came to pick you up and take you back to his apartment where the movie night was being held, insisting that Haechan could hold down fort as he came to pick you up…and that no boyfriend would let his girlfriend drive herself over to his place when he had a perfectly good truck and an excuse to kiss you under the porch light before joining all the guys; you told him he was an idiot, but he met that with a kiss on your cheek, claiming that you were the idiot for not taking a free kiss under the porch light with the Na Jaemin…a low blow considering the reason behind your bruising eye. 

When you step inside his apartment, the rest of the guys silence mid-conversation, instead turning all of their attention to you. Their shoulders drop as your black eye comes into the light. Embarrassment flushes your cheeks as you turn into Jaemin’s chest, and he wraps his arms around you lightly with a warm laugh, kissing the top of your head before turning his attention to his friends. “I’m pretty sure you guys promised me you would be chill about this if she came over,” he states playfully, causing the rest of them to drop their heads with a small laugh of their own.

“Our fault for caring about her,” Jeno banters back, and all you can do is sigh and pull away from Jaemin’s chest, facing the rest of the group again. He was right, not about it being their fault, but for the fact that their frowns just meant they cared about you, and it wasn’t like you didn’t feel the same way towards them - you’d frown, too if one of them walked in battered and bruised. 

You roll your eyes playfully with a mellow shake of your head. “It’s fine. I’m fine,” you assure, turning your gaze to Jaemin before tossing your head side to side with a small smirk. “Besides, I’d say Jaem’s worth a punch or two.” The guys in front of you laugh but Jaemin furrows his brows.

“Or two?” He echoes worriedly, making you turn to him again with a soft, sure gaze. 

“One,” you promise him and watch as a bit of relief washes over his figure, nodding his head as he takes it in. 

“Um, you guys wanna watch Transformers?” Jisung speaks up awkwardly, shattering whatever tension you and Jaemin just created and instead making everyone chuckle. 

Mark whips his head over to Jisung. “I thought we were watching Spider-Man…?” He adds sulkily. Jisung’s jaw drops, because apparently he had been looking forward to a Transformers marathon nonstop since the plans were made; but Chenle cuts off any chance of a response from him, instead just shaking his head rapidly.

“It doesn’t matter. Just choose anything before they take the pause in activity to make out,” he says as though he were horrified by the possibility, and Renjun lets out a sure laugh as he places a hand on Chenle’s shoulder.

“Still traumatized by the pda you asked for at that first lunch?” He asks, and Chenle looks at him with wide eyes.

“Can you blame me? So, they’re in a relationship…that’s great. Slightly cringe, but whatever. You know what’s not cringe? Spider-Man.”

“The Transformers!” Jisung corrects adamantly, getting everyone to laugh again.

“Sure, the Transformers,” Chenle agrees automatically, and Haechan rolls his eyes with a soft smile as he moves to set up the TV. 

The eight of you got situated before another beat could pass. Mark on the recliner, Chenle and Jisung on the small couch, and then you, Jaemin, Jeno, Haechan, and Renjun taking up the big couch in the middle of the room. You cuddled easily into Jaemin as he threw an arm around your shoulder, his fingers lightly tracing patterns on the side of your arm. 

For the group of you typically being a mess of chaos when you were all together, the eight of you somehow all followed the same unspoken rules when it came to movie night. There was no talking and, surprisingly, no one distracted by their phone. However, the peace of the perfect movie night was broken maybe twenty minutes into the first movie, when a chill ran through your body and the resulting shiver didn’t go unnoticed. “Do you want a blanket, y/n?” Mark asks softly. All at once, the guys whipped their heads towards him, furrowed brows adding to their glares at his disruption. That is, until it registers for them what Mark just asked, and all their gazes soften as they draw their attention to you in wait for your answer, Haechan pausing the movie entirely. 

You let out a laugh under your breath, shaking your head at Mark with a grateful smile. “No, I’m okay,” you say quickly, trying to get everyone’s focus back on the movie because one shiver was not enough reason for concern. The guys all flash their eyebrows at your answer, immediately accepting it as they turn their attention back to the movie. 

It isn’t long though before you shiver again, and while your attempt to cover it up was stellar, it wasn’t enough to get past the man holding you in his arms. Jaemin leans down so his lips are by your ear. “Go put on one of my hoodies,” he whispers slowly.

You shake your head minimally in response, eyes still trained on the Transformers. “I’m okay-” Your whispered words are cut off when the movie pauses, and you whip your head over to face Jaemin now, remote in hand and raised brows as he stares back at you seriously. A chorus of complaints erupt from the rest of the guys but Jaemin is only focused on you, and you can’t do anything but let out a light sigh. “Are you sure?” You ask, and Jaemin’s brows go from raised to furrowed.

“Am I sure? Of course I’m sure. You’re my girlfriend. Please go dig through my closet and wear my clothes,” he replies firmly, nodding his head now in the direction of his bedroom. You dodge any further eye contact with him as you instead slip out of his arms and towards his room. You don’t spend too much time in there, more than aware that they were all still waiting on you before unpausing the movie. You throw on the first hoodie you see, trying to ignore how much it smelled like him - how comforting it was to be wrapped in that scent. 

You put on a straight face as you walk back out to the living room, though you begin to think it was unnecessary considering their reactions, or- Jaemin’s, at least. He immediately broke from the idle chatter he was having with Jeno as he instead locked his gaze on you, eyes wide and lips slightly parted. You fall shy under his gaze, looking around at the rest of the guys to see if you missed something before accepting the fact that it was just Jaemin who had the answers. “What?” You ask hesitantly, and it forces Jaemin to snap back to reality and collect himself.

He lets out something of a defeated laugh, shaking his head as he concludes his look up and down your body. “You should’ve been swimming in my hoodies for the past two months already,” he answers seriously, and suddenly your cheeks are on fire. You hide your face in your hands and the rest of the guys let fond grins paint their face at the interaction between the two of you. That was the first time it truly hit all of them that they were each about to lose $100 soon. Though it was hard for them to even be mad about it, because in everyone’s eyes but your own, Jaemin was whipped, and that was all they ever wanted for their best friend. 

The group got through three movies before everyone started fading, eyelids feeling heavier by the minute. Renjun was the one to turn the lamp on at the side table beside him, putting everyone on the same page as they all got up from their seats and started getting ready to leave. Chenle is the first to say his goodbyes and head for the door, but as he places his hand on the knob, he whips back around. “Oh, wait!” He starts, louder than any of you were prepared for as you stare back at him in question. He shakes his head, the volume of his voice apparently even getting to him, but then he looks back at you all seriously. “I’m having my big New Year’s Eve party again. You’re all invited, obviously. I don’t know anyone’s plans after finals week, so I figured I’d just tell you now before we’re all in different places - if you wind up back at NCIT by December 31st, I’d love to have you, and if you wind up back at NCIT even earlier than that, please please please please please-” 

“Chenle,” you all cut him off in unison, and he gives an awkward laugh.

“Please consider helping set up,” he says flusteredly. You all let out fond chuckles as you nod your head at the boy, and he lets a wide smile grace his features before finally opening the door and leaving with a soft ‘thank you.’ 

Dropping you off at your dorm, Jaemin fumbles for words before you can even open the door back to your place, and you turn around to pin all your attention on him instead as he speaks up awkwardly. “Uh- about Chenle’s party…”

“Yes, I’ll go. We said that would be our last day together so we might as well be…together,” you say, and Jaemin nods his head slowly. 

“Okay; and for next weekend…?” He leaves the question at that and that’s when you realize you truly hadn’t given him much to plan with yet. You shake your head with a small laugh. 

“We’ll leave Saturday morning for my parents’ house. I have finals up until Friday anyways. The big dinner you have to be there for is Saturday night, so you can do whatever you would like with your break after that.” 

Jaemin processes the information with a distant expression before pulling it into a smile. “Alright, angel. Good luck with finals next week. I’ll be ready to go Saturday morning,” he says happily, and all you can do is match his smile.

“Good luck on your finals, too-” You start, but as you move to wrap him in one last hug, you catch sight of the hoodie covering your arms and jump back. “Oh! I’m still wearing your hoodie. Sorry-” You speak in a rush as you work to try and slip out of it, but Jaemin shakes his head.

“Don’t worry. Keep it,” he responds seriously, making you whip your head up at him and causing him to laugh. “It would be really suspicious if I came back home with the hoodie that I just said you looked cute in, and I’m not taking any chances with us so close to the three month mark now. Just don’t lose it…it’s my favorite hoodie.” 

You let out a flustered laugh. “Well, are you sure you don’t want it back, then? Haechan is probably asleep already-” You reason as you start pulling one arm out of the hoodie again. 

“Just keep it,” he cuts you off with a warm chuckle before continuing more somberly. “Our three months are almost up. I’ll get it back in no time.” If the words were bitter on his tongue, you didn’t notice. You were too preoccupied trying to neutralize your own emotions at the notion of this all ending soon. 

You’re scared your voice would betray you if you opened your mouth again to speak, so instead you just nod your head, finally wrapping him in that goodbye hug and then turning to let yourself into your dorm. 

Finals week somehow went by in a flash, and you’re scared to add up how many hours of it you spent in Jaemin’s hoodie. Though, the atypical schedule meant that you didn’t really have to worry about that - you only ever ran into Jaemin on campus for friend group lunches, and those were canceled this week since half of you would be in the middle of finals during the usual span of time; so, Jaemin never had to find out that you were practically living in the very same hoodie you had tried so hard to give back originally. 

Come Saturday morning, that hoodie was packed with all of your other clothes in your suitcase, currently in the trunk of your car as you drive over to pick Jaemin up before heading to your house. He places his luggage next to yours before opening the passenger door and sliding in. “Hey, angel! Ready to pull all this off for your parents, too?” He asks with a devious smirk. You roll your eyes, trying to buy into the playfulness to forget about the dread filling your system at the idea of heading back home right now.

“Ready as I’ll ever be. Thank you again for agreeing to this,” you say seriously, and Jaemin looks at you as though you were crazy.

“Of course I’d agree to do this. Do you realize how much you’re doing for me?” He banters back, effectively getting you to laugh a bit as the tension in your shoulders drops. “Besides,” he continues more thoughtfully. “It’ll be nice to see our hometown again.” His words are much more mellow this time, and you look over at him with a sad grimace before shifting into drive and actually getting out on the road. 

As soon as Jaemin went to college, his family moved to Jeju Island, and for as often as the two of you talked about traveling there one day, it was much less exciting of an idea when it was already Jaemin’s home base and it’d just be you traveling to visit him. Even outside of that, you knew he missed the city - moving away from everything you know is only nice if it’s your choice, and moving to Jeju was definitely not his choice. 

It’s not like his relationship with his parents was impacted, though. He understood, and was very appreciative of the fact that they held out on the move until he graduated high school. Truly, if they were wanting to move, this was the time to do it. He’d graduate college and get his own place wherever he wanted; it’s just that now his place to go back to was Jeju rather than Seoul.

On the other hand, your family stayed put in the same house from childhood, but your relationship had gone through rough waters since you started college; something not even Jaemin knew, and now you were wondering how oblivious you could keep him of your current home-situation.

The verdict was ‘not very long.’ As soon as the two of you walked in your front door, your parents seemed shocked to be laying eyes on Jaemin with you. You push past them and towards your bedroom to put your stuff down, sending just a meek ‘hi’ their way. Jaemin watched you disappear with ample confusion, but his face quickly straightened up into a smile as he greeted your parents with hugs and gratitude for having him over. 

Your mom pulls back from the hug with a look of disbelief, shaking her head solemnly. “Jaemin, it’s wonderful to see you. I apologize for not having a space set up for you to stay. To be honest, when y/n said she was bringing a guest home, the last thing we were expecting was for it to be a guy,” she laughs off, and Jaemin’s eyebrows immediately furrow. Your own muscles tighten as you move to close your bedroom door, deciding that was already enough for you to hear. 

“Why?” Jaemin asks in return, trying to match the laugh from your mom, though his was half-hearted at best. 

Your mom shrugs it off like it’s nothing new. “Well, you know our y/n…doesn't exactly have a lot going for her-” 

“Y/n’s gorgeous, actually,” Jaemin cuts off with force, now taking a full step back from your mom and causing her hand to drop from where it was still at his forearm. “And sure, she has her guard up most of the time but that doesn’t change the fact that once she’s comfortable enough to be herself, she’s incredibly easy to love,” he continues, brows furrowed as he makes sure to get his point across. 

Your mom passes her gaze from Jaemin to her husband, taking a moment to exchange strange smiles with him before turning back to Jaemin. “Sorry, I seem to have offended you. I didn’t know you cared about my daughter that much.” She speaks every word as though she’s only half serious, and all it does is frustrate Jaemin even more. 

“Of course I care about her but that’s not even the point. You shouldn’t be saying that about your child and you used to know that, cause you never said anything like that when we were growing up. So, I don’t know what changed but I can tell you it wasn’t the worth of your daughter.” Setting all your stuff down, you open your bedroom door enough to catch his last sentence and immediately let out a heavy sigh, knowing you had to go out there and do something.

“Jaem?” You start, walking back out from the hallway. His face instantly changes from disgust to warmth as he snaps his head in your direction.

“Yeah, angel?” 

You nod your head back towards where you just came from. “My room is still the same one it’s always been. Since we’re apparently bunking together, if you want to go put your stuff in there so you’re not carrying it around throughout the house, you know where to go,” you say casually, trying to make it seem as though the sleeping arrangements were all you caught of his conversation with your mom.

Jaemin nods with a tight smile. “Alright, I’ll be back in a second,” he says, pressing a soft kiss to the top of your head as he passes you in his walk to your room and you take his place with your parents in the living room. You and your mom both watch as your dad looks between the two of you before immediately leaving to go outside, shaking his head as he does so and leaving just you, your mom, and the suffocating tension in the room.

You drop your head to face the floor and your mom is the first one to speak. “I didn’t know he liked you,” she says plainly, eyes darting towards the room Jaemin was currently in before landing on you again, your head now whipped up to face her with raised brows.

“Didn’t know he liked me or didn’t think I was capable of having him like me?” You ask in return, and your mom falters for a moment.

“Y/n…” She starts, but you shake your head.

“Am I good enough now? Is this enough for you? That I brought an attractive guy home who cares about me? Are you even the tiniest bit proud of me now?” The fire in your eyes soon matches that of your mother’s, her disproving gaze that you knew so well baring into you.

“Y/n, that’s not fair and you know that,” she counters, her voice raising with every word.

Your jaw drops as you look at her in disbelief. “What’s not fair is you judging me by the man I do or do not have to hold my hand at any given time.” You’re thankful when the words come out firm; you’ve never stood up to her like this, and when your mom studies you with intensity, it’s as though she doesn’t know the woman in front of her this time. 

“Well,” she breathes out, bringing her gaze back to your own. “Being with him has apparently given you some confidence…or a voice, at least.” Her tone borders between indifference and slight disgust, and all you can do is shake your head, unsure of how your relationship with your mom ever turned into this.

“I refuse to believe that you find an issue in the fact that he makes me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world,” you say in almost a plea for her to tell you it’s not true, but she never does; instead, it’s just Jaemin’s breath hitching in the hallway that he tries to cover up so you wouldn’t know he was listening. When neither you nor your mom turn your heads towards him, he realizes he was still under the radar. So, he prepares himself to walk back into the living room as though he just got done putting everything away in yours.

When he gets back by your side, he lightly kisses your temple, turning to face your mom as he sneaks a hand to rest on the small of your back; your mom stares at the physical contact and you think her eye actually twitches. Jaemin opens his mouth to start casual conversation back up but your mom cuts him off before he can even begin. “Your father and I are going out for the day. We will be back to cook dinner,” she states, and your eyebrows furrow immediately.

“You haven’t seen Jaemin in years and you’re just gonna leave right when he gets here?” You ask in shock, and your mom glares back at you.

“Dinner,” she replies sharply, and then she’s out the door. 

Jaemin’s hand on your back begins to rub lightly up and down, and as you turn to bury your face in his chest, he wraps you in a full hug. “I’m sorry,” you mumble out, and Jaemin shakes his head. With one hand, he lightly guides your chin up so that you make eye contact with him, a soft smile on his face as he looks down at you. 

“Nothing to be sorry for, angel. It’s all okay. How about we just watch TV or something, go outside maybe…what’s gonna destress you?” He asks, his hand that was underneath your chin maneuvering to instead caress your cheek. 

You shrug, doing your best to dodge eye contact as you reply. “Anything in your presence,” you say seriously, missing the way warmth just reached every corner of Jaemin’s being at your words. 

“Okay,” he responds surely, and that’s how you found yourself walking the streets of your hometown, hand-in-hand with Na Jaemin. You visited his old house, the old playground, anywhere you could before the cold air finally caught up to you and you had to retreat back inside for some hot chocolate and more Harry Potter from your last unfinished rewatch session. 

Jaemin never brought up the obvious tension between you and your mom, something you were thankful for, but it also left you feeling guilty because you knew it was on his mind - the equation of where things went wrong between you and your mom after he left Seoul was continuously being worked out behind his eyes. When you explained this part of the fake-dating contract, he wasn’t expecting for your parents to actually be on your ass about not dating anyone, but stepping into this house was like a minefield, and any conversation around the topic turned into an explosion.

He wasn’t gonna make you talk about it though, you obviously weren’t ready to. Instead, he just wrapped his arms around you as best he could, making sure you and your cocoa were always kept warm throughout the duration of your latest movie marathon. 

Surprising you, when it was finally dinnertime, the atmosphere was lighter by the tiniest bit. Your parents were engaging with Jaemin, at least, and the presence of other long-time family friends put you at ease, too, because you knew a big fiasco is the last thing your parents would allow to happen in front of others. 

“Are you staying with us all of break?” Your mom asks as she puts her fork down and places all of her attention on Jaemin. He gives a sorry grin in return as he shakes his head.

“No,” he begins, and your face immediately drops, forcing you to take another bite so it’s less noticeable. “I was thinking I would surprise my parents. I haven’t seen them since the summer, and I figure that means it’s time to fly out and see them again,” he continues with a light laugh. “Though, when y/n asked me to come back with her for this dinner, I- well,” he drags off, taking a moment to turn and face you at his side, a fond smirk on his lips before he turns his head back to face his lap before you can notice. “I realize I’ve gotten incredibly bad at saying ‘no’ to her,” he finishes, his own light chuckle following his words.

Gazes soften all around the table as they listen to Jaemin, but you can’t bring your head up to look at him, sure the look in your eyes would give away how desperately you were wishing for those words to be real.

Your dad is the one to pick up the conversation again. “Well, we’ll be sad to see you go so soon, but it’s sure been a pleasure having you fill our house again,” he says with a tight nod that Jaemin reflects back to him, slightly softer in his perfect Jaemin way. 

That night, you and Jaemin went to bed before the rest of the adults did, but they had the advantage of alcohol to keep them occupied, and while that option was technically open to you and Jaemin, you both decided it would probably be best to stay under the label of ‘innocent youth’ with your parents and family friends.

You walk back into your bedroom after washing your face and putting on pajamas to see Jaemin already laying down. You trace his outline underneath the covers and sigh when you realize how little room was left in your full size bed. You slip under the covers and begin to turn on your side so you could take up the smallest space possible, but Jaemin evidently has other plans as he reaches over and pulls you so that you’re laying against his chest. “What are you doing?” You ask, propping your head up on his chest as you stare at him in confusion. 

He looks back at you as though there were no need for the question, his smirk playing lazily against his lips. “If you’re going to end up on top of me anyways, I’d rather just hold you there,” he replies, and all at once you’re vividly reminded of Halloween night. You don’t argue back, instead just rolling your eyes and resting your head back against his chest as you try to hide most of the blush on your cheeks. 

Jaemin idly draws shapes on your back as he watches you fall asleep on him. He swallows awkwardly, remembering what your mother said about you…what you said to your mother, and a kind of frustration fills his chest. He listens for any signal that you were still awake, and when he finds none, he presses the lightest kiss to the top of your head. “You’re so beautiful, y/n,” he whispers. His mortification comes when he feels you tense under his hold.

“You don’t have to pretend when it’s just us, you know,” you whisper back, and his heart breaks in his chest. His tone is firm as he replies, because if you were going to be awake to hear him say that, he might as well get his point across. 

“Some stuff I never had to pretend for. Some stuff is just a fact.”

You let out a heavy sigh, flipping which way your head was facing on his chest before speaking softly. “Go to bed, Jaemin,” you say, and he doesn’t quite know what to do with the feeling of defeat that arose knowing you don’t believe him. He thinks about saying more but he figures now is not the time for it…that in your friendship, it may not ever be the time for it. So, he lets out his own light sigh, his grip around you going slightly tighter as he gets to work on actually falling asleep. 

The next day, all you really had time for was breakfast before you had to drive Jaemin to the airport. As you pull up to the curb for departures, Jaemin doesn’t even think twice before leaning over the center console to press a soft kiss to your cheek. “Thank you for dropping me off,” he says sincerely amidst the rustling of him gathering his bags from various spaces of your car. You laugh as you open your own door, sliding around to the back of your car to pop the trunk and grab his suitcase.

“I’m coming inside with you, you know?” You tease lightly, missing the way Jaemin’s eyes soften at the care before he quickly vetoes your carrying of his luggage and rips his suitcase from your grip, causing you to laugh some more as you turn to face him now at your side. “But, of course, it was no problem,” you say genuinely, stepping inside the airport with him and too quickly facing the security checkpoint where you’d finally have to split. “Have a safe flight,” you continue, and with each word he’s now taking a step further than you dare to. “Tell your family I said ‘hi.’” 

Jaemin looks over his shoulder to smile back at you. “I will,” he promises firmly with a matching nod, and you throw a grin and final wave his way as he turns back to actually face where he was walking towards the entrance for security. As soon as you’re out of his line of sight, you allow your face to drop slightly alongside your gaze, letting out a light sigh at the feeling of him walking away from you. However, your attention is caught by the increasingly loud sound of heavy footsteps. You shift your gaze back in front of you to see Jaemin had changed his path and was instead heading straight for you again. 

“Jaemin-?” You question, but you’re cut off the second he gets close to you because he wastes no time in dropping his bags, cupping your cheek with his hand, and pressing a sure kiss to your lips. You melted right into it, something you would have to kick yourself for later, but at the present moment, all you could think about was his soft lips still lingering against yours.

“I’ll see you in a week, okay?” He says in a near-whisper. His words weren’t so much a statement as they were a reassurance, like he needed you to know that all you had to bear without him was a single week, like he intended to never leave you again once he came back. All you can do is swallow awkwardly, nodding as you look up at him through your lashes. 

“Yeah.” 

Jaemin’s gaze roamed over your entire figure as best it could with the two of you still in close proximity. You wanted to press up on your tiptoes and kiss him again for the hell of it, or maybe for the comfort of it, but Jaemin is the one to take action first, simply running his thumb gently across your cheek with a small smile before immediately turning to grab his bags and actually make his way through the security checkpoint. All you can do is stand and watch helplessly as he walks away from you. You’d see him in a week, sure, but then it’d be New Years before you knew it and all of this would slip right out of your hands…it practically already had. 

You were back at NCIT before Christmas, trading in family-time for time with Chenle, who was the only other one of your friends on campus for most of that duration. He tried to pretend that he needed to meet up with you to talk about plans for his New Year’s Eve party, but most of it was just excuses to hang out when he got lonely. One by one, the guys all made their way back to NCIT, Jaemin being the last to do so, coming in on the evening flight December 26th. 

You had brought Chenle with you to go pick him up, mainly because Chenle begged you to let him tag along. The two of you stood at the baggage claim for maybe fifteen minutes, Jaemin’s hoodie adorning your figure and providing you with comfort amidst Chenle’s constant nagging that you guys should have brought a sign saying that Jaemin was coming back from prison or something else more embarrassing. 

The baggage claim carousel had already begun spinning for Jaemin’s flight, and eventually even Chenle stops talking to instead join you in a frown as the two of you search for Jaemin. The verdict was that he must have just been the last person off the plane, because around five minutes later, you catch sight of his figure. “There he is- what’s he doing?” You ask confused as you look at Jaemin speed in your direction.

“Running towards you,” Chenle answers as if it were the most casual occurrence ever. He tosses his gaze over to you with raised eyebrows before continuing. “And I think you should probably start running towards him unless you’re prepared to catch his weight, cause I’m pretty sure he’s ready to jump on you.” 

Your eyes go wide at his words as you shake your head. “God, having a lunatic boyfriend is a lot of work,” you respond, feigning exhaustion. Chenle throws his arms up in defense.

“Hey, you chose him, not me,” he quips, making you smile before realizing you really had to start on your run towards him, because of all the things you were prepared for, catching Jaemin’s weight was not one of them.

You take off from where you and Chenle were standing, running up and meeting Jaemin somewhere in the middle as he lets go of his carry-on and puts his arms out for you. “Jaem!” You exclaim, jumping into his arms and wrapping around him like a koala.

“Angel!” He replies just as enthusiastically; hugging you tightly and spinning around once with the momentum.

“Chenle’s here so you have to kiss me,” you whisper in a rush, cupping his cheek with your hand as Jaemin steadies himself again.

He lets out a genuine laugh, catching your gaze with the brightest of smiles in his eyes. “Well, I wasn’t gonna run all this way towards you for nothing,” he says surely. Then he presses his lips to yours, and the resulting warmth in your body should’ve made the snow outside impossible. 

Jaemin breaks away from you when he feels a tug on his shirt sleeve, and the two of you turn to make eye contact with Chenle. “You’re being cringe now, can you please take me home?” He asks plainly, making you and Jaemin laugh as he puts you down on the solid ground again, slipping his hand in yours as the next best option. Then, after making sure Jaemin had all of his things, the three of you were on the road back to NCIT.  

The next day, Jaemin and the guys went out for lunch, one you weren’t invited to because it was one you “couldn’t know about.” Sitting around the table in a perfect reflection of the start of the semester, the guys around Jaemin all wore a mixture of looks on their faces, ranging from impressed to sulky…though that last one was only Chenle, who despite having the most money in the group, hated giving it out. 

Mark is the one to finally address the reason they were all there. “Well, you did it. I’m sure we don’t need to be the ones to tell you that you’ve been dating y/n for three whole months now,” he says with a light laugh. Jaemin can’t bring himself to join in on the smiles and playfulness around the table.

“I can’t believe it’s been three months already,” he says hollowly, but both his tone and the distant look in his eyes go unnoticed by his friends, their tunnel vision on their childish bet covering over Jaemin’s anguish at winning. 

“Here’s your $600,” Haechan says after having collected everyone’s shares from around the table. “Can't wait to have a new PS5 in our apartment,” he quips, but Jaemin whips his head up at him, grabbing the $600 from his hands defensively. 

“I’m not spending it on a PS5…” He begins, dragging off as the fire dies from his tone and he returns to a contemplative state of being. “I’m gonna buy y/n something nice.”

Gasps are heard from quite literally everyone else at the table, all of them looking at Jaemin with wide eyes. “Really?” Jeno asks in disbelief, and Jaemin makes passing eye contact with all of his friends, giving them all odd looks for being so caught off guard.

“Yes, really. She’s the best thing to ever happen to me, and I don’t know how to give her the world, but I can at least get her the best that $600 will buy,” he explains surely, and the rest of the guys all exchange glances with each other before turning back to him, Renjun being the one to take a jab this time through a hesitant laugh.

“Are we still talking to Na Jaemin?” He asks, making the rest of the guys laugh as well. Jaemin just lets out a sigh, finally able to find a bit of humor as well as he shakes his head, tucking the money away and turning the afternoon into a regular lunch hang out. 

Two days later, you get a call from Jaemin sometime after dinner.

“Angel?” He says softly once you pick up, his tone making you smile on the other end.

“Yeah, handsome?” You respond warmly. 

“Wanna go on a drive?” Jaemin asks, giving away no hints as to his current state of emotions, and your eyebrows furrow as you pry more.

“No destination?” You ask, and Jaemin shakes his head, not that you were able to see it anyways. His response is sharp.

“No.”

“Everything okay?” You question, the warmth in your tone turning into concern.

“Yeah,” Jaemin responds immediately. You let a beat pass in silence and it’s enough for Jaemin to want to fill it again on his own. “Just want some more time with you,” he explains shyly, and you let out a small breath of laughter as you oblige. 

“Let me get my shoes on.”

“I’ll be there to pick you up in five,” he replies firmly before immediately hanging up. 

True to his word, it only took five minutes before you’re opening the door to Jaemin. “Hey,” he says as soon as you make eye contact, leaning down to press a quick kiss to your cheek.

“Hey,” you reply, your face hurting as you try not to smile too widely at his actions. Jaemin wouldn’t have noticed if you did, though, because he immediately turns to face the floor sheepishly. 

“Sorry if you were in the middle of something,” he finally says, making you furrow your brows at him - this wasn’t a Jaemin you were used to.

“Nothing that couldn’t wait,” you assure him before prying some more. “What’s up?”

Jaemin pulls his bottom lip between his teeth as he shakes his head hesitantly. “Nothing. It’s just our last few days together. Figured we could hang out before you go off and get an actual boyfriend and I-” You watch as he fumbles for words, eventually giving up with a shrug as he finally makes eye contact with you again. “Go back to doing whatever it is I do.”

His answer doesn’t relieve you of any worry, and you move a hand up to cup his cheek as you tilt your head in study of him. “Are you sure you’re okay?” 

Jaemin nods his head slightly against your hand, a fond smile at your touch replacing the distant expression he previously held. “There’s just a lot on my mind. Nothing for you to worry about. Just wanted to hang out with you and kind of escape it all for a bit,” he explains casually, eventually bringing both hands up to guide your own back down from his face, idly playing with your fingers as he asks his next question. “Do you still like cloud watching?”

“You know I do,” you reply with a laugh, and Jaemin finally bares his teeth as he smiles back at you. He checks to make sure you actually did put your shoes on already before switching his grip so that he was just holding your hand as he walked the two of you to his truck.

You ended up at one of those nature parks, where the fields are preserved for fields-sake rather than playgrounds. The two of you got out and made your way around to the tailgate of his truck and you register that he already had blankets and pillows in the back, completely reminiscent of high school. 

You both sat in silence for a while, staring up at the sky and giving yourselves a chance to be at peace, at least somewhere away from the false sense of urgency that always seemed to be around. Eventually, you move your gaze from the clouds above to where your arms were wrapped around your knees, debating with yourself before finally breaking the silence.

“Jaem?” You call softly, and he turns all of his attention towards you.

“Yeah, angel?” He replies in much the same manner. You dart your tongue out to lick your lips, anything you could do to prolong your question - which you were currently thinking should’ve lost in your inner debate.

You finally let out a sigh, still focused in front of you as you talk. “You know you’re much more than the image you’ve picked up around campus, right?” 

Jaemin’s face immediately whips back to the front so there would be no chance of making eye contact with you. “Um…” He begins, but that was the only word he could come up with before forfeiting with an awkward swallow. You know that means it’s up to you to continue.

“I know that day I first met your friend group, you had to make up a ton of stuff on how we got together and everything, but I don’t know if you were necessarily lying when you were talking about how I deserve better than getting tied into your fuckboy image. I just- wanna make sure you know, in case that has ever been your thought process for anyone you’ve had a crush on, that there’s so many more sides to you than that. An image is an image, okay? Don’t let it get to you.” Your courage is built with every word and you finally turn to face Jaemin as you continue softly, surely. “They don’t know you like I do.”

Jaemin’s lips part with a heavy exhale before he rolls them inwards in hesitation. “Do you mean it?” He finally asks, and there’s just a trace of sadness riddling his voice.

“Of course I do,” you say firmly, and Jaemin takes in your answer with a slow nod.

“It’s been hard. I-” He grimaces before letting out an awkward laugh. “Oh, this is kind of weird to talk about with you,” he continues, making you laugh, too as the atmosphere lightens.

“Whatever,” you say, rolling your eyes playfully. “It’s me.”

Surprisingly, that seemed to do it, because the tension in Jaemin’s shoulders falls as he lets out a light sigh and finally finds his words for what seemed to be the first time that night. “I used to not care. If they wanted to label me as a fuckboy, that was fine. Truthfully, if I was getting my dick wet, I was good-” He cuts himself off at the sound of a slightly louder exhale than normal from you, and he whips his head your way with a pout. “Don’t laugh, I’m being vulnerable.”

You stare back at him with a fond smile on your face and raised brows. “I’m not laughing,” you assure, and Jaemin turns to face his knees again as he accepts your denial of the claim without a fight. Then he starts back up with his explanation, his tone heavy and contemplative.

“Lately though, I’ve just been thinking I want so much more out of life. But, I spent so long under the fuckboy label I didn’t know if I would ever be able to break free from it, if I could ever be more.”

Your gaze on him softens but your eyebrows furrow; there was something so weird about knowing he’s never viewed himself in the way you do. “Na Jaemin, you’ve always been more,” you respond firmly. The lightest of exhales escapes as laughter from Jaemin, and he lets a weak smile play at his lips before responding. 

“And you’ve always felt like home…” He says, matching your tone as he finally turns to look at you again. “That’s another thing I wasn’t lying about that day.” 

You immediately dodge eye contact, knowing it’d reveal to him in milliseconds your real emotions towards all of this…towards him. Probably against your better judgement as well, you lean into him at your side, resting your head against his shoulder. “For what it’s worth, I’ve had a nice three months with you,” you say, your own weak grin making an appearance.

“Yeah,” he agrees, wrapping his arm around you casually. “It hasn’t been too bad, has it?”

There it was, the reason you needed to snap out of it, because for Jaemin, it just wasn’t ‘too bad,’ and meanwhile you’ve been over the moon these past three months. You’d come to your senses eventually - remember that ‘breaking up’ was the plan all along, that the last thing Jaemin wanted was to be in an actual relationship, and that you were going to have to be as okay with that as ever. However, for now, you figured you’d just lean into him a bit more while you still can. 

The next day saw all eight of you at Chenle’s place, helping him decorate and prepare for the big party, and then it was New Year’s Eve. Only you and Jaemin knew that it was your last night together before the ‘break up;’ and neither of you knew that the other didn’t want it to ever end, meaning when you placed Jaemin’s hoodie in his backseat as a way to return it before the party, you didn’t know the idea of giving it back nauseated him possibly more than it did you. As such, the air was tense and awkward between the two of you, trying to keep hidden how devastated you knew you were going to be at the end of the night, and too dumb to realize the best thing you could do is talk about it. 

Hand-in-hand with Jaemin, the two of you join the rest of your friend group, already standing around in a circle somewhere on the outskirts of the set up dance floor. They greet the two of you with bright smiles, none of them plagued with the knowledge that their favorite relationship was ending tonight. However, with the eight of you chatting about anything imaginable, the night became incredibly casual, despite the overwhelming amount of people flooding in around you all.

Eventually, the group divides up, deciding a range of different activities sounded best for the time being. You ended up with Chenle and Jisung, the three of you indulging in the indoor s’mores kit that was set up. Jaemin never moved from where the big group of you originally were. Instead, he let the crowd all pass around him as he stayed focused on you, gaze aimed in your direction with a fond smile as he watched you interact with his friends.

The only thing to break him from his staring is when Mark taps him on the shoulder and hands him a cup of water. “Man, I hope you know you’ve turned into a completely different person,” he says as he does so, making Jaemin furrow his brows in question; though Mark shakes his head as though it were no big thing. “You got this glow about you that scares me, and the look in your eyes when you’re staring at her…I didn’t think I’d ever see that from you - you know, being so against relationships and everything,” he ends with a light laugh.

Jaemin drops his head, his own laugh escaping his lips. “It’s just what happens when you’ve found your person, I guess,” he replies seriously. “I mean, to me?” He begins, finally looking up at Mark in sincerity before throwing his gaze your way. “For her?” He shakes his head, his smile turning into a dumb grin on his face as he finally admits to what’s been on his mind for three months. “Everything’s worth it. All the risk, all the effort, I’d do anything for her.” He looks your way once more before his gaze turns distant and he lets a grimace slip across his features. “It just took being with her to make me realize…I want to believe in love,” he finally says, meeting Mark’s eyes once again. 

Mark’s smile was painted widely across his face, though he stared at his best friend in something like disbelief. “Want to believe it? Jaemin, you’re in it,” he says firmly, and Jaemin immediately lets his gaze fall to his feet as he lets out a heavy sigh.

“It’s less scary than I thought it’d be,” he finally says, and Mark’s smile turns fond as he gets a glimpse at how his best friend operates. He puts on his best voice of comfort as he replies.

“You said it yourself, it’s what happens when you’ve found your person. You should tell her,” he says, tossing his head in your direction casually, but Jaemin’s muscles tense up.

“No, I can’t,” he says in a rush, and Mark lets out a laugh.

“From the one who says he isn’t scared,” he teases, but Jaemin shakes his head - it wasn’t that.

“I- it’s a weird situation,” he says, letting out a huff with his bad explanation. “I can’t tell her. Not tonight, anyways…she won’t want to hear that from me,” he concludes, dragging off miserably. Mark’s face completely flips as he stares at Jaemin quizzically. 

“But- she looks at you the same way, you know?” He says surely, but Jaemin shakes his head again.

“No, that’s just how she looks at me. Even when we were in high school.” He takes a moment to pause, tongue darting out to wet his suddenly dry lips before continuing with conviction. “No, she doesn’t love me. Not like this,” he says, and then he’s walking away, leaving a very confused Mark standing there with parted lips.

“...I thought she’s liked you since high school,” he says under his breath now that he knew there was no way Jaemin would hear anyways. He looks between you and Jaemin before shaking his head - the last thing he needed on New Year’s Eve was to engage in overthinking.

You had just broken away from where you were talking with Chenle and Jisung to instead make your way over to the punch table. Grabbing yourself a glass, when arms wrap around you in a hug from behind, you know the only person it could be. “Hey, handsome,” you say with a smile, turning your head to the side to try and lay eyes on him.

“Hi, angel,” Jaemin replies, taking the opportunity to place a small kiss on your cheek before continuing. “Are we kissing at midnight or are we ending things before then? I’m not sure if you want to start the new year with me or not.” His tone borders on defeat, and you turn around in his arms to stare at him with raised eyebrows and a playful smirk.

“I’ll be your new year's kiss if you’ll be mine,” you reply, and Jaemin lets out a small chuckle. “Besides,” you continue more seriously. “Ending this doesn’t mean you aren’t still my best friend. You’ll be a part of my new year no matter what. We can kiss and just pretend that was our way to say ‘bye’ to dating, cause you know, I guess it will be.” For a moment that you always knew was coming, admitting its near occurrence now felt like you just had the wind knocked out of you. Jaemin just stares down at you with a wide grin, nodding his head along to your words in approval. 

“Alright best friend, then I’ll make sure to find you again before midnight,” he replies, the entire thing making you swallow awkwardly as you nod your head back at him slightly.

“Yeah…” You respond in something like a whisper, and with one light kiss on your forehead, Jaemin vanishes again into the crowd. 

The rest of the New Years party was a blast, no doubt, but the knowledge of what was coming, or more so ending, plagued your thoughts and eventually you just needed to slip away from the rest of the noise. You ended up on the balcony attached to some random bedroom, the cool air something of a relief for your current state.

The only pull back into reality was when the ever-present loudness turned into synchronized cheers, and you catch as the entire party starts counting down from fifteen seconds. You whip around to start on your rushed journey back inside, realizing you never told Jaemin where you would be; but as you turn, you make eye contact with him, just stepping onto the balcony himself, an easy smile crossing his features. “No need to rush. I told you I’d find you before midnight,” he says with a light laugh, and you drop your head with a small exhale as your own form of laughter. “Ready to say ‘bye’ to all this pretending?” He asks, stepping up to where he was directly in front of you.

No. “Yep,” you respond with the best fake smile you could. You already made it this far with no problems, you refused to let it slip that your heart was fully in this right when it was about to end. 

Jaemin matched your smile, and as the crowd’s counting reached the ‘3, 2, 1,’ his hand came up to find its favorite spot at your cheek again. Then he leaned in and kissed you right as the party erupted with cheers of ‘Happy New Year.’ 

Your hands gripped tightly at his shirt, keeping you steady and keeping him close to you; though he wasn’t necessarily going anywhere with one hand cupping your cheek and the other placed firmly on your waist. Unlike any of your other kisses, this one…lingered. The two of you kept steady pace with each other, you gently sucking on his bottom lip and figuring for as long as he’d let this go on, you would take it for all it was worth, trying to pretend you could ever kiss him enough for a lifetime. 

When you think he’s breaking away, you’re instead met with the feeling of his tongue running across your top lip, asking for permission - permission all too easily granted by you as you open your mouth to let him explore. Your New Year's kiss turned into a greedy make out session, which was probably the last thing you were expecting, but you couldn’t take the time to question it because you were too busy drowning in his taste. You loved the taste of Jaemin on your tongue, and his own soft moan - which he tried so desperately to cover up but that you still very much heard, let you know he was currently feeling the same way; and you’d mark that down as a tiny win in the midst of the huge loss you were about to incur. 

Against your better judgement, you finally break away when you truly couldn’t breathe anymore, and Jaemin rests his forehead against yours. The air was just filled with the sound of panting as the two of you tried to catch your breaths. You swallow awkwardly once you do, taking a small step back as you process what just happened, Jaemin’s hand running down your body until you were no longer in reach. “You’re awfully good at ‘goodbye,’” you say in between breaths.

Jaemin immediately dodges your gaze, facing somewhere off to the side as his adam's apple bobs up and down. “I’ve had a lot of practice,” he responds quietly, to the point where you were practically just reading his lips, and then he’s gone, leaving you alone on the balcony to deal with your flooding emotions on your own…not that you could do so in his presence anyways. 

You hated that it hurt this much - that a goodbye you knew was coming still seemed to blindside you. You had allowed your heart to indulge in his every romantic gesture, and while on the surface you knew they meant nothing, you held onto hope in some deep dark corner of your heart that maybe it wasn’t all just pretend; and yet here you were, grouped in with the vast category of girls he’s said ‘goodbye’ to in the way he knew all too well. You were his best friend but you were no one special, and you didn’t expect the resurgence of a fact that you already knew to affect you as much as it did - to make it feel as though you had been hollowed out, bones chilled from the empty space your soul used to occupy. 

You and Jaemin weren’t in contact the entire first day of the new year, though you couldn’t complain because talking to him right away was not something you figured your heart could handle. Instead, you went to work out at the gym and run errands and all those other things people do when they’re single and making a point to say they’re okay with that. To be fair, it kind of worked. Not that you were okay with whatever you and Jaemin had gotten yourselves into coming to an end, but that day of productivity and endorphin-inducing activity helped you ground yourself - these past three months were you helping out your best friend, that was all it was ever supposed to be. 

The next day was far less productive, but you were still functioning like normal. The only disruption from your typical daily routine came with a phone call from Haechan. As soon as you pick up, he starts speaking.

“Why did you go and break Jaemin’s heart all of the sudden?” He asks angrily.

You furrow your brows, though it wasn’t like he could see it anyways. “What do you mean? The breakup was mutual,” you counter in confusion, and Haechan lets out an actual ‘HA’ in disbelief before he replies with animosity.

“I need to know what the hell your definition of ‘mutual’ is because Jaemin hasn’t stopped crying for the past twenty-four hours.” 

You think he’s kidding, like this is one last stupid test of whether your relationship ever added up - but you shake the idea away, he already got the money, it was a week past three months, there wasn’t anything for you to mess up now, the story you’ve been telling would work as it always had. “Crying? What? We both agreed we worked better as friends,” you reply instantly, confusion adequately painting your voice. 

Haechan cannot believe his ears, and he makes sure to let you know so. For as much as you were confused, he didn’t understand why you were acting this way, ten fold. “No, I don’t believe you at all now. He wouldn’t agree on that. I don’t know how Jaemin talked to you, but he talked about you as though he’s never held anyone’s hand before until he held yours. Y/n, it was like you were the one to put every star in his night sky, I swear there’s no way this breakup was mutual.” Your whole world stops and you go speechless on the other end. Haechan was being dead serious, or else he wouldn’t be angry, he wouldn’t be pushing the subject. His words turn over and over again in your head. Jaemin talked about you, evidently when you weren’t around. You were fake-dating and yet Jaemin went out of his way to speak of you fondly to his friends. Jaemin, who never saw the point of getting romantically attached like that, doing more than what was needed in expressing his feelings about you. You push down the feeling of nausea and instead let out a deep sigh.

“I’ll be over in five minutes,” you say quietly, and then you hang up the phone before ever getting a reply from Haechan.

You race over to their apartment, and before you could even knock, Haechan is swinging the door open for you. The two of you make eye contact and about a million emotions pass between you, but it was easiest to pick up on the uncertainty. Haechan opens his mouth as if he’s about to bombard you with questions, or maybe yell at you again…you weren’t sure, but instead he just lets out a breath, nodding his head back in the direction of Jaemin’s room with a soft, “in there.” 

You throw a thankful smile his way, not that you were necessarily guessing at where Jaemin could be, but you were very grateful he was letting you off so easily. Even by looking at Haechan, you could tell Jaemin had truly been crying for the past twenty-four hours…Haechan looked exhausted. 

You lightly tap on the door of Jaemin’s room before entering, breath hitching as you lay eyes on his figure, curled up in a ball and clad in his favorite hoodie that you had given back - the hoodie he now knew you had lived in for the past few weeks because he already caught your own scent on it. Tears raced down his face, and he immediately turned away from you to hide them as he squeaked out choked words.

“Please go away,” he says, and reality hits you all at once. It wasn’t like you thought Haechan was lying, but now you truly had to face the fact that you were the cause of Jaemin’s tears; he wanted you to go away. 

“Jaemin, I’m not going anywhere,” you say softly, shaking your head to emphasize the point. Though, as you do so, your gaze catches onto a gift bag on his dresser, a label with your name written on it in his stupid perfect handwriting. 

You walk up to it, swallowing hesitantly as you turn your attention from the bag to Jaemin and back again. “What is this?” You finally ask. Jaemin shoots his gaze your way, not having previously realized what had caught your intrigue.

“Please don’t-” He rushes to say, but in the pause, you had already pulled out a diamond necklace, holding it gently between your shaking hands. You shake your head, eyes wide and jaw dropped as you’re unable to form a coherent thought. You turn back around to face him, your gaze darting every which way because you’re not sure you can confidently hold eye contact with him.

“Jaemin, what-? Why is this in a gift bag labeled for me-? When did you-?”

He cuts you off, visibly annoyed. “It’s what I used the bet money on. Now please go away,” he demands more firmly, but you wouldn’t be able to follow through on it even if you wanted to, because as you process his words, you lose the ability to move. 

“You spent the $600 on this?” You ask in disbelief, turning your attention fully towards him to try and find any cue that he was lying. “On me?” 

Jaemin turns his head to the side, and you watch as his adam’s apple bobs up and down with an awkward swallow. When he finally answers, his voice has lost its tension, his words instead coming out as though he were ashamed. “$700,” he corrects. “I didn’t want it to feel like I was just gifting you something from the guys.”

You think you’ve gone crazy, or maybe Jaemin has, but all you can do is stare at him in disbelief. “I-”

He quickly finds his fire again, apparently having had enough embarrassment for a lifetime in those few seconds. “Please leave,” he spits out. He dares look up to make eye contact with you before immediately regretting his decision and staring back down at his bed again, wiping more stray tears from his eyes as he fumbles out his next words. “You can take the necklace if you want but just- please leave.”

“Jaem-” You say softly before he can cut you off.

“What?!” He quips, though when he shoots his gaze back to you in irritation, he realizes you’re no longer standing at his dresser, but sitting at the edge of his bed with him. Your fingers barren of the necklace, you instead occupy one hand by placing it on top of his own.

“You could’ve told me you fell for me, too,” you say seriously, and Jaemin stops breathing for a moment as he looks up at you with wide teary eyes.

“Too?” He echoes weakly, and all you can do is give a tight smile, moving a hand up to wipe under his eyes as you try to hold back your own tears.

“I refuse to believe I played off my huge crush on you since high school that well.” You reply with a hoarse laugh.

Jaemin finally recovers his ability to breathe as he lets out a heavy exhale. “You like me?” He asks through tears, and you finally break, having to wipe your own stupid tears off your face before nodding at him with an embarrassed smile.

“I always have. Why do you think I made all those stupid rules to try and make sure we acted like a couple as little as possible?” A bittersweet laugh gets caught in your throat as you think back on it. “If I had to listen to you call me cute names all the time, I wouldn’t have survived knowing it was eventually going to end,” you continue seriously.

Jaemin’s finally able to let out a bashful smile and sorry laugh. “...I called you cute names all the time anyways.”

You nod your head with a fond smile. “I know.”

“I couldn’t help it,” he explains as more tears rush down his face, though this time, they’re at least sliding down next to an embarrassed grin. 

You look at him with playful raised eyebrows. “Just like how you couldn’t help it when you kissed me every time you saw me? Or looked over at me super fondly?”

Jaemin softens as his eyes trace over your figure, the distant look in his gaze letting you know his mind was rather preoccupied with reliving the past three months. “Exactly like that,” he says lowly, and you let out a breath, forcing your gaze away from Jaemin as you instead focus on the way your fingers were idly fidgeting with each other.

“God, Jaem. I’m sorry. I should’ve realized-” You speak apologetically but Jaemin cuts you off again.

“No, I should’ve communicated. Well…” He lets another soft laugh leave his system, the tears finally drying on his face as he works towards fully collecting himself. “I should’ve communicated when you knew I was serious.”

You smile at his words, shaking your head again as you relive every moment of the fake relationship. “I didn’t even know you had time to catch feelings for me,” you begin with something like wonder in your tone. “I mean- weren’t you still hooking up with-”

When Jaemin cuts you off this time, it’s with the most flustered of cheeks and the weakest of laughs. “Um, about that…the very first girl I hooked up with after we added that rule-” He shakes his head with a small smile as he corrects himself. “Well, I say that…she was also the last girl I hooked up with.” Your eyebrows furrow slightly as you process the information, but Jaemin doesn’t give you much time to do so before throwing in another wrench. “I uh- accidentally moaned your name.”

Your head whips in his direction, your wide eyes straining against your dropped jaw. “Jaemin! You did not!”

“Why would I make that up?!” He quips back with a hearty laugh. You move a hand over your gaping mouth, unsure at what exactly you were supposed to do with this news. You shake your head in disbelief.

“Oh my god, what did she do?” You ask, curiosity dripping from your voice. Jaemin bites on the inside of his cheek before giving in again with a light sigh.

“Well, we immediately stopped because we were both mortified, I think. She said something about how I obviously had to go figure some things out, to which I agreed, but for different reasons than she thought…” He drags off a bit but instead just shakes his head and goes in a different direction. “I practically begged her not to say anything about it, but she laughed and said I was crazy if I thought she was going to tell that story and humiliate herself,” he finishes with a small chuckle, and you just stare at him with no less shock than before.

“I can’t believe this,” you manage to get out playfully. 

Jaemin flashes his eyebrows in acknowledgement before his eyes light up and he rushes through more words. “Oh! The best part is, a week or so later, she saw us holding hands in public and texted me saying that she’s rooting for us,” he recalls with a shiteating grin. 

“Stop!” You get out, the idea of it damn near killing you. Though, before you can end up dying of laughter with Jaemin, another piece of information fits itself into the puzzle and you come back to your senses in seriousness.

“Wait wait wait,” you begin, focusing your gaze fully on Jaemin again. “So, you’ve been celibate for like…three months now?” You ask in shock. Jaemin isn’t even the tiniest bit regretful as he responds with a shrug, his sincere gaze meeting your own.

“I only wanted you. Wasn’t going to waste mine or anyone else’s time pretending any different.”

Your gaze softens immediately as a fond smile plays against your features. “Jaem…” You aren’t necessarily sure where you were going from there, but Jaemin picks it up anyways with a small shake of his head; his own weak smile making an appearance again as he recounts those first few moments.

“You kissed me that first day and I assumed I was fucked,” he explains casually. “Everything felt like it changed, and not because it was affection but because it was you.” His cheeks puff out again with a bigger grin as he continues. “Then I had that slip up and I knew I was fucked. Couldn’t get you out of my head for even a moment. It was starting to drive me crazy how much I wanted to make you happy.”

His eyes meet yours again as he finishes, and you search them for answers you knew you would have to ask for. “A good crazy?” You question hesitantly, but Jaemin is quick to shut down any worries.

“The best,” he assures, moving his hands so that he could interlace them with yours. He moves his gaze from your physical contact back up to your face before continuing seriously. “I love you, y/n.” 

You swallow hard, trying to not let any more tears run down your face, albeit happy tears weren’t so bad. You squeeze his hands in yours as you nod your head. “I love you, too.”

“Can we date for real?” He immediately asks, his wide pleading eyes making you chuckle.

“It’s been ‘for real’ for a while now,” you say warmly, but Jaemin shakes his head, not having it. 

“Yeah, but we’re currently broken up if you don’t remember. The entire reason you’re over here is because I couldn’t stop bawling my eyes out…which was the worst feeling in the world, by the way,” he banters back with a weak laugh. You let a grimace cross your face before pulling it into a fond smile. 

“Yeah, don’t worry. I’ll never break up with you again,” you assure him softly. Jaemin doesn’t hide his wide smile as he shifts himself so he can easily lean in and kiss you softly, resting his forehead against your own as he pulls back to smile against your lips.

“I’m holding you to it, angel.”

[hyunjinsjeans]

He knows (Chan ver.)

Lee Know ver. | Changbin ver. | Hyunjin ver.

Masterlist

Synopsis: Chan is your husband and he knows you want to start a family, but how does he know? And what happens when he tells you he knows? This. This is what happens.

Type: Fluff 🧸, SFW 👍

Warnings: Mentions of pregnancy

Word count: 1140

AN: this is my first piece of writing for anything K-pop-related on this site, please be kind! No proofreading, sorry!

You are married to this man. He defines himself by his job. He lived for it though, after working so hard to get to where he is he also enjoys it so much. So you can’t complain. But he does have one more thing he wants on his instagram bio. So far he is producer, singer, rapper and dancer. As of a year ago he is also husband. He knows the time is right. He knows you don’t want to pressure him but whenever you’re together he can sense the unspoken words flying around in the air between the two of you.

Oh yes, Chan knows. He knows how to read people, and you are top of the list of his favorite ones. He will read you like a book. He will understand even the things you don’t say, he will know the second you are ready. He will, however, wait for the right moment. Sometime when he knows he will have the energy, the free time and the emotional availability to do it.

He owes you his full attention if you are doing this together.

And once he seizes the opportunity he is going in for the kill. He proposes it in a serious tone. If it asn’t just the two of you, it would seem you were having a “family meeting”. He is straightforward about it.

“We should have a kid, Y/N. I think it’s time, I’m ready and you’re ready.”

And the words get caught in your throat because what the hell? You were incredibly ready. He knew this, you knew this. Your friends probably knew this.

From the way you cooed at any and every child under 5 whenever you spotted one, how little kids gravitated toward you at the park or at the movies and you always had a kind smile to offer them along with the helping hand finding their parents, to the way you seemed to constantly be handed strangers' babies at the grocery store or at airport lines.

It was no news. You always loved kids and after getting married and moving to your own home, you made it a point to have a guest room and an empty room. Chan had noticed. Why leave a room completely empty? “Just in case we need it someday” you had shrugged when he asked. But it was painfully obvious a few months into the move that you visited that room and stared at the empty walls with bright shiny eyes, with a smile that tugged at the corners of your lips in a way so subtle it was almost imperceptible, you always left the room with a sigh and a bowed head as if ashamed to have the plans you had for that room. Chan had witnessed it enough times to have you figured out. It brought a warmth to his heart, seeing how eager you were about the subject and yet you kept quiet because you didn't want to put any pressure on him, thinking he already had a lot to deal with as the leader of a very successful group.

So of course, the second he said those words you couldn’t help yourself. “Oh I was waiting for you to be ready!”

Chan lets out a joyful laugh, his eyes become tiny as his cheeks grow puffy with the glee in his reaction.

“I know!” He exhales, “but you didn’t say anything and I’m tired of it. When you want something -anything, please just tell me!” His expression softened "I'll always have time to listen to you, and there's nothing you can ask of me that I wouldn't give you."

He is leaning on the kitchen table while you’re sitting opposite him. You push yourself back on your chair and look at him with a side smile on your face, the rice cooker making its beeping sound to signal dinner is ready.

“How am I supposed to drop that one on you?!” You laugh as well, it’s clear you are not really arguing “Am I supposed to say “hey Chan, I want a baby” or what?”

“Well… yeah.” He scratches at his neck, “that’s okay, it’s a good way to start talking about it.”

You huff and look away, but ultimately you are pretty happy he brought it up. He knows this as well; there is no hiding your enthusiasm, you're practically buzzing.

“I do want to have a baby, Chan” you lean forward on the table, your elbows on the hard surface while you hide your smile behind your hands.

Chan sighs, stilling his laughter as he pulls the chair back to take a seat and stare at you. He poses his arms and hands the same as yours, mirroring your actions.

“I want that too”, he mumbles, shy but true.

“Can we have that?” You wonder, your eyes falling on his hands, soft yet strong.

Chan has held you many times, and supported you through different times. You know he can be a perfect constant to hold on to, but you wonder if his career can take this. If he can be there for you for this. Because if you are honest, your biggest fear is that he will put too much pressure on himself if he tries to be a leader and a good partner to a pregnant wife at the same time. You have always known him to be the kind of guy to step up without anyone asking him to. You have learned from him to be the same, to grow stronger for Chan to have someone to support him as well...but this time you have to be realistic, how much can you share the weight of things once you are also worried about the safety of a baby? How much stress can you take from him while getting ready to have a kid.

He drops his hands on the table, you have moved your gaze from his eyes to his hands to the table. You are doubtful, you are pulling away from him as you speak.

“We can.” He assures you, reaching out to pull your hands in his. “We can do this.”

Chan brings you back with his words, his tone is honest and bright. His eyes are full of joy and excitement.

You feel the warmth of his skin on your skin and look up with hope, your trust in him is so complete you nod, you don’t even think about it as you reply. You would die for your husband. You would take all the pain, all the responsibility, and hardships for him. And so would he for you. This is why doubting what you two can accomplish together is ridiculous, you shake your head from all those doubts and squeeze his hands between your own.

“Let’s do this.” You whisper.

--------

Likes, Reblogs and Comments are welcome! Thank you for reading!

[too-much-tma-stuff]

Finally Getting Help (pt 13)

Masterpost

Danny was holding Jason’s hand so tight he felt like his fingers were creaking but Jason wasn’t about to say anything. They were waiting in the doctor's office for Danny’s first ultrasound and Jason was accompanying him as promised, if Danny needed to squeeze his hand that was what Danny needed to do then so be it, it was better the bolting, which it looked like he was considering. Leslie didn’t usually make people wait long but when she had an emergency she had an emergency, it didn’t matter that Bruce funded her clinic, and was sitting awkwardly in one corner, they could wait.

It had been decided that as Danny’s guardian and maybe boyfriend? Bruce and Jason would be the ones to go in with him, with Danny’s agreement of course. Jazz and Dick had both wanted to come too but they didn’t want to crowd the room or overwhelm Danny so it was decided they would stay close by but not come In. Just then they were waiting together at a cafe across the road in case they were needed.

“Alright, I’m sorry to keep you both waiting but you know how Gotham is,” Leslie said a little grim-faced and still stripping off bloody gloves as she walked into their room and tossed them into the trash can. “So, Danny right,” Danny nodded. “Will you come with me into a private room for your examination?” She asked, because of course she did, the phrasing too was carefully worded to not put him on the spot so if Danny was feeling at all threatened or uncomfortable about Jason and Bruce being there he wouldn’t be blamed for following her. 

“You don’t have to,” She added quickly when Danny looked panicked and clung to Jason so tight Jason couldn’t help wincing. “We can move forward with the appointment if them being here makes you more comfortable?” 

Danny nodded quickly so she nodded as well and sat down at her desk, opening a file on her computer. “So, you’re here for an ultrasound right?” She glanced over and Danny nodded again, he seemed to be feeling really shy, Jason had never seen him so nervous, Bruce looked worried. “But it says here you haven’t had a check up in years so would you mind if we do a general exam first? I would like to make sure that You are healthy before we move on to the babies.”

“Yes that’s fine, but you know I’m not fully human right?” Danny asked, she paused for barely a moment. 

“I was told you had some differences,” she confirmed gingerly. “What should I expect?”

“Well, my heart rate is naturally slower than it used to be, and my body temperature is lower. Like I get to ‘healthy human’ temperatures when I have a bad fever. I don’t know what else has changed, honestly. I’ve been avoiding the doctor ever since my accident because I knew how my parents would react,” he said sounding tired and resigned.

“Well then we’ll take today as a paceline and monitor changes. If you’re feeling well today?” She suggested, she probably would have liked to get a baseline before Danny was pregnant but obviously that was impossible. 

“Ya that’s fine, my heartrate is probably a bit fast because I’m nervous but I’m probably healthier then I’ve been in a while. I haven’t been getting into fights and I’ve been eating regularly after all!”

“Alright. I understand but there’s no need to be nervous. This is a safe environment, I won’t do anything that’s not medically necessary.”

“I know, if Bruce and Jason didn’t speak so highly of you I wouldn’t be here. They don’t seem to see eye to eye on much so if they both trust and like you you must be good,” Danny said with a little smile though he was still tense and pale. That anxiety wasn’t going anywhere fast. In the corner Brace gave a sort of strangled cough that had Jason glaring at him even though he didn’t really know what it meant.

“Alright, then let’s get started,” She said before she started Danny’s check-up, all of the normal things a doctor would do if a bit more thorough. Checking eyes, mouth, ears, heart and lungs, and reflexes, circulation and blood pressure. His heartbeat was slow and his blood pressure was low but Danny thought that was probably normal for him? She gave an unconvinced hum. “We’ll have weekly check ups and check it again then. If it’s sustained and doesn’t affect you then we can say it’s normal for you.” She agreed. 

“Alright, well based on the information you’ve told me I think we’ve established a baseline and you’re healthy. Are you ready for your ultrasound?” She asked and Danny took a deep breath, Jason, still standing next to Danny, squeezed his hand gently.

“Ya, as ready as I’ll ever be,” Danny agreed. 

“Thank you, just lay back and pull up your shirt please,” Dr. Leslie requested and Danny did as she’d asked as she pulled up the little monitor and set things up. In the background Bruce shifted so he could see the screen better. “There won’t be much to see,” Leslie warned, shooting Bruce a look as she applied the ultrasound gel. “It’s still too early.”

She put on a fresh pair of gloves and grabbed the wand, “Alright, let's have a look.” She said, pressing it carefully against Danny’s stomach. 

Danny had let go of Jason’s hand while he lay down but now he grabbed around for Jason again, without looking away from the screen now showing inside his abdomen. Jason stepped closer and grabbed Danny’s hand, looking at his face rather than anything else, monitoring for signs the trepidation there might be getting to be too much. He knew Danny was nervous, but they didn’t want this to progress into a panic attack. 

“There they are. Oh! Two, twins. You’re further along than I expected, 10 weeks by the looks of it?” She asked glancing at Danny who nodded. 

“Ya, I’ve only been carrying them for 6 but they’re test tube babies,” he confirmed, his eyes fixed on the screen. 

“Ah,” She sounded, nodding her understanding. “The little round things below their hearts are odd. Do they have two hearts? No, those ones aren’t beating…”

“Those are their cores,” Danny murmured before it seemed to hit him and he looked at Jason, his eyes wide with panic. “Oh my god I AM actually pregnant, it’s not just the cores, I’m pregnant, oh my god I’m pregnant,” he was starting to hyperventilate. 

Dr. Leslie pulled back and Danny practically threw himself into Jason’s arm who held him tight as Danny hid against his chest and trembled. “Do you want us to call Jazz?” Jason offered softly as he held Danny and let him cry.

“No don’t go,” Danny hiccuped against Jason’s chest. 

“I’ll call Jazz,” Bruce added, of course. He would want to help, he did care, but he never had any actual idea how to help. The emotionally unavailable bastard. 

“Do you want me to leave?” Dr. Leslie asked gently. “I would like to have a better look at the twins to check on their development but if you need time I can come back later, or even another day.”

“Just-just give me a minute, please,” Danny sniffled as Jason rubbed his back.

“Of course. I know this is overwhelming,” Leslie said gently. 

Jazz barged into the room and immediately hugged Danny a well, sandwiched safely between her and Jason. “Scruff him, it’ll help,” she told Jason, who nodded and squeezed the back of Danny’s neck. 

He shuddered and then started to relax between the two of them, basically letting the two taller, and trusted, people hold him up. His sobs turned into sniffles and then a few deep breaths. “Okay, okay I think I’m ready. I want to know that they’re okay too. I know their cores are developing well but if they have human bodies, we need to make sure those are healthy too right?” 

“Right. Do you want me to stay, or do you want Bruce to come back in?” Jazz asked gently. 

“No, you and Jason stay please,” Danny said softly. He had thought it was right for Bruce to come in as his guardian, but it was Jazz who had really been looking after him for years. “There’s not much to see right now, just little blobs. We’ll tell him how it goes.”

Danny took another breath and then squirmed out of both of their arms and went to lay back on the table, pulling up his shirt again. Jason stood next to the examination table, taking Danny’s hand again, Jazz went and sat on the table by Danny’s head and stroked his hair while Dr. Leslie applied fresh jelly to his stomach since it had been worn off during his panic attack. Jason might have to change his shirt after this.

“Alright, let’s have another look shall we?” She said with a warm smile as she pressed the wand against his stomach again. She found the babies again fairly easily. “They seem to be sticking pretty close together,” She said with a little smile. “They’re active little things! It’s far too early to tell anything else about them but from what you’ve told me they seem to be on track and developing properly,” She said, pulling back and offering Danny a cloth to clean the gel off his stomach.

“Do you mind if we call Bruce back in? As your guardian I’d like him to be here for you treatment plan?” She asked.

“Sure, makes sense,” Danny agreed with a nod. 

She nodded back and looked at Jazz, who nodded as well and ducked out to get Bruce. “While we’re mostly alone I want to know, do you know all your options Danny? You know you don’t have to carry them. They’re just embryos right now, not even conscious. Your health and safety comes first,” Dr. Leslie told him gently. She knew Jason was firmly pro-choice.

“No, I know,” Danny said with a little smile and a nod, looking down at his stomach and gently caressing it. “I know I don’t Have to do this. But I do want them. I’m already attached to them, you know?” He said looking up at her, worried that she would judge him. He hoped he was making the right choice, that he wasn’t ruining his life at 16 or something. Fuck he could be on that trashy tv show! 

“I understand,” She assured, no hint of judgment on her face. Of course not, if she could treat rogues without judgment she sure as hell wasn’t going to judge a teen parent. She glanced up as the door opened again and Bruce and Jazz entered. “Right,” Leslie said, sitting down at her computer and starting to type. “You’re still a little malnourished so I’d like to get you taking prenatal vitamins immediately,” she said, glancing up to see Danny nod. “With your unique condition I’d like to see you more often than usual, weekly visits would be best for now. Once we’re sure you and the babies are okay we can go down to every other week.”

“I don’t think we need to do that,” Danny said, shifting nervously. “I mean you say the human side is looking good, and my ghost doctor says they’re developing well on that side, if slower than usual. I don’t need to come in every week,” He said looking hopeful. 

She hesitated for a moment, organizing her thoughts and considering his words. “Even so, there’s clearly some bleed over that makes it hard to tell how healthy you are. I would feel better if you came weekly, at least for the first month so we can establish a true baseline.” 

“Alright,” Danny said, drooping again, looking back at Bruce. “Can you make the appointment? I want to go home.”

“Sure Danny,” Bruce agreed, pulling out his planner to check their schedule. 

“I’ll take you back to the manor,” Jason assured, using his grip on Danny’s hand to help him up. 

“I’ll go back to the cafe with Dick, we were having a good conversation, I wouldn’t mind continuing it,” She said, giving Danny a smile. “Unless you want me to come?”

“No, that’s alright. Have fun Jazz,” Danny said, leaning against Jason and letting him usher Danny out of the clinic. Jazz waved as she crossed to the cafe where Dick was waiting, looking worried till he noticed them, then he smiled and waved. Jazz waved back and jogged across, about to tell Dick all about the twins no doubt. 

Jason led Danny to his bike, and got on first, pulling Danny onto the seat behind him. Danny wrapped his arms around Jason and pressed against his back, half hiding from the world. Jason didn’t try to talk to him, he needed time to process. He would talk when he was ready to.

Next

[anakinstwinklebunny]

SAM MONROE's room was dimly lit, soft glow of the bedside lamp barely reaching the corners. Vinnie lay sprawled on his chest, snoring softly, tiny fists clutching the fabric of Sam's worn-out hoodie. Sam managed to tire him out completely, doing all the sort of stuff so putting the boy to sleep would be much easier than on other days. The stuffed bunny--down an eye and hanging on by a thread--rested between them, its tattered ear brushing against Sam's jaw.

Sam sighed, fingers brushing over the highlighted text on the page of the parenting book he swore he wasn’t reading if anyone came in. 'Babies and Toddlers: A Survival Guide', the cover had mused, yet it felt more like an endless homework assignment. He snorted quietly at something he read, careful not to wake the baby, and picked up his highlighter.

'Consistency builds trust' the page read, and Sam frowned, running the highlighter across the sentence in bold, neon yellow. He scribbled a note in the margin:

«Don’t freak out if he cries--try to be chill»

He flipped to another page, chest rising and falling, matching with Vinnie’s soft breaths. His free hand instinctively rubbed slow circles on the baby’s back; an action he’d started doing without even realizing it. His pen hovered over another sentence: 'Physical affection reassures your child of your presence'. Sam sighed and underlined it twice.

"Yeah, no pressure," he muttered under his breath, resting his head back against the headboard. He glanced down at Vinnie, whose chubby cheek was squished against his chest, tiny snores vibrating against Sam’s rib cages. His heart ached in a way he wasn’t used to, in this uncanny way he hadn't know before.

Page after page passed, and by the time he looked down at the book again, he realized almost half of the damn thing was streaked with neon. Yellow, pink, green--hell, he’d started using blue when he ran out of space. Tabs stuck out at odd angles, little notes scrawled beside almost every paragraph:

«Try not to cuss too much»

«Get more fruits. Stop feeding him fries every day.»

«Vinnie hates carrots--find something else.»

Eventually, he closed the book, resting it on the nightstand with the highlighter tucked between the pages. He let his head fall back, gaze settling on the cracks in the ceiling. Why none warned him that this lecture would be so tiring?

"Guess you’re stuck with me trying my best, kid," he whispered, hand shifting to cradle Vinnie’s little head. Thumb brushed over the soft baby curls as he sighed. "I’m not gonna screw this up, not like--" He cut himself off, swallowing hard.

The boy stirred slightly, letting out a soft whine before settling back down, his bunny pressed against Sam’s chest.

"Yeah, yeah, I know," Sam murmured, lips twitching into a faint, tired smile. "Shut up and just keep trying, huh?"

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[aylacavebear]

Soulmates? Yeah, right, pft. - Ch. 8

When you turn sixteen, and your soulmate's name doesn’t appear anywhere on your body that you can find, you figure you had to be the only person on the planet who didn’t have one. Most of the town shuns you, so you stick close to family. Your Aunt Ellen raised you after your parents died in a car crash when you were two, but what happens when the Winchesters return to town and buried secrets begin to come to light?

Pairing: Mechanic Dean Winchester x OC Reader/You

Word Count: 2866

Warnings: Angst, Fluff, Dean being a sweetheart, Dealing with emotional stuff.

A/N: This is my non-Supernatural fic I'm attempting. Please let me know what you think, as I always love hearing from my readers.

----------------------------------------- Chapter 8

Dean, for the first three days, respected your need for space. But in the confined quarters, it was impossible to truly escape each other. The tension between you and Dean grew like a pressure cooker about to explode with each day you spent apart.

It was that fourth day while you were sitting at the kitchen table having coffee, your back toward the living room, that Dean decided he’d had enough. He set his coffee cup down with a thud on the table across from you before he slid into the seat.

He knew it would cause you to look up at him, which was why he’d done it. “Okay. I gave you three days. I’m tired of the elephant in the room. I’m tired of you avoiding me. Yeah, I do have a soulmate, but there’s no guarantee that soulmates find each other. Am I really that repulsive that you’d rather avoid me than us maybe having something together?” 

You blinked at him blankly, attempting to fully comprehend what he’d just said, and it threw you for a loop. He was far blunter than you were used to with him, at least on this topic. Then, you realized it was the things he hadn’t wanted to talk to you about that had helped you keep him at arm's length.

You took a sip of your coffee, then a slow, deep breath, trying to find your nerves, “You’re the furthest thing from repulsive, Dean. Hell, you’re one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met. It’s hard to think you’d even want me since you still haven’t told me about your past,” you replied, and you had gotten quieter with each sentence. Your gaze even dropped to the liquid in your cup, feeling as though you were pushing him to talk about something he really didn’t want to share with you.

Dean was taken aback by your response, as it was not what he’d thought you’d bring up. “I didn’t want to overwhelm you with more than you were already dealing with. I’m- I’m sorry,” he apologized.

“I know you said you couldn’t talk about it, and that I had to keep what you had told me a secret, but there’s so much you avoid, so… I don’t ask. You know everything about me and… I- I just feel like you don’t want me to know about you,” you managed to get out, barely, your voice now barely above a whisper.

He rubbed his hand down his face, leaning back in his seat. The atmosphere of the kitchen seemed tense, and it was getting uncomfortable for both of you. You couldn’t do more than glance up at him briefly before looking back down at your coffee, which was mostly gone now. Finishing it off, you got up and refilled your cup but stayed standing at the counter with your back to him.

“You don’t have to tell me. It’s okay,” you told him in a sad, quiet tone.

Since he hadn’t responded, you headed to your room, coffee in hand, giving him the space of the rest of the house. You set your cup down on your nightstand, your gaze on the floor as you went back to your door to close it. Just as you went to push it shut, Dean’s hand was on the door, holding it open.

“I just didn’t want to put you in more danger than you were already in,” he told you quietly.

Slowly, you looked up at him and saw the worry in his eyes, “Probably can’t get much worse than being forced to hide out in this bunker for who knows how long,” you replied with a dry chuckle.

He managed an understanding smile, “You know, you’re probably right about that. Can I come in?” 

You bit your lip nervously but nodded, then went and sat on your bed, taking your coffee cup between your hands. Dean sat across from you on the edge of the bed. You attempted to gauge his mood by his demeanor again. He was leaning forward, his forearms resting on his legs, hands clasped between his knees while he stared at the floor. 

“Remember how I told you about that woman who had my name professionally tattooed on her? Well, she also had fake records. The name she gave me was the same as the one of my soulmate. It wasn’t until a couple years later that I found her real ID. Her name was Lisa. She even had a kid,” he began explaining, never moving from how he’d been sitting.

You stayed quiet, though, just listening. This was at least more details than he’d given you before, even if it wasn’t yet making much sense. You wanted to ask him questions but also didn’t want to interrupt.

“She used makeup to cover up her real soulmate's name. If I hadn’t found it when I did…” he shuddered slightly as he trailed off, “... she and I would be married right now. That’s the legal battle going on right now, trying to prove which one of the names on her is real and which one is the tattoo. My dad hired a detective and had her investigated. She’s working for the Vaught family.”

Your eyes went wide, and goosebumps ran down your body. You even opened your mouth to apologize but then quickly closed it. You hadn’t involved him in anything. He had been involved for a while now. 

Slowly, your mind began attempting to piece together bits and pieces of information that he’d given you, as well as the things from your parents’ letters. Your right hand instinctively went up and rubbed your collarbone where your soulmate’s name had begun appearing. You still hadn’t been able to make heads nor tails of the marks since they still didn’t look like anything, yet.

Just as Dean was about to open his mouth to continue, you asked, “What’s your soulmate’s name?” It came out quiet, blurted, but you needed to know. 

He sighed but didn’t look over at you, “I didn’t want to get your hopes up,” he replied quietly, now turning and revealing the name on the front of his shoulder; it was the same as yours. 

Your name wasn’t common, but it wasn’t uncommon either. Seeing it on him, though, pulled at something deep inside of you. Even after he covered it back up with his shirt and looked back down at the floor. 

“What aren’t you telling me?” you asked nervously. You felt all those anxiety feelings rising through your body again.

Don’t hope, don’t hope, don’t hope…

“I was hoping you could heal first,” he sighed, and you narrowed your eyes at him.

The anger was beginning to fester within you at his lack of a straight answer. The cabin fever you’d been feeling wasn’t helping the situation either. You’d been through so much since you’d turned sixteen, and the things you’d discovered from your parents less than two months prior. Not to mention how most of the town treated you. It was like a pressure cooker that was about to blow it’s top.

Dean quickly turned to you, a worried look in his eyes, “Hey, it’s okay. I know you’re angry,” he began, holding his hands up in mock surrender, attempting to calm you down.

That alone would have been enough to anger you further, but instead, his words almost comforted you in a way. You wanted to be angry, at everything, but something about him was making it utterly difficult.

“I know you’re my soulmate. I’ve known since I was sixteen,” he finally told you quietly, still holding his hands up, and it looked like he was hoping it would help calm you.

If you hadn’t been so angry, it might have worked, but all it did was piss you off, and you snapped. “You’ve known this entire time, and you never said anything! You went off with some tramp and let this whole town treat me like I was a plague! Get out!” you yelled at him, pointing at the door.

It was far too much in your angered state and you had lashed out. All he did was sigh, hang his head, and left your room, closing the door behind him. You had no idea how deeply your words had cut him. You also had no idea how badly he was hurting due to you pushing him away. It wasn’t a rejection, as his name, so far, hadn’t appeared on anyone, yet. 

You spent the next almost hour basically having a tantrum like a pissed-off child before the sadness finally hit you. When it did, though, you curled up in your bed and sobbed. Everything hurt: your heart, your soul, even your body. Due to your sobbing, you didn’t hear your door open or close again. You didn’t hear his bare feet make their way across your bedroom and stop at the side of the bed your back was facing.

You did feel the blankets move and the bed dip as he slid behind you, then snuggled up against you, wrapping his arm around your waist. Him being this close while you felt this vulnerable only made you cry more, but you attempted to keep it silent. 

“I never meant to hurt you,” he began in a whisper, “Even when I was around Lisa, I could still feel you and what you were going through, at least a little. She’d always keep up the lie, though, whenever I asked if she was feeling that way. I’m so sorry, Sweetheart.”

His words seemed to bring on more tears, but in a way, they were somewhat comforting, as was his closeness. You’d felt so alone for so long, and bottled it up, that now there was no holding back the damn of emotions that had broken through.

“After you turned sixteen and you didn’t seek me out, I thought maybe I was wrong. So, I left just after senior year and traveled. It wasn’t until after Sam started in college and found out what the authorities were trying to keep under wraps that he told me. It took him another couple of years to get enough information to do anything,” Dean explained, still in that soft whisper.

“Why does it all hurt so much?” you asked in between sobs.

Dean sighed, then gently rolled you onto your back. You tried to hide your face from him, not wanting him to see you cry, but he was gentle, wiping away your tears. “Sam explained it to me like this. When a soul is wounded, it’s like there’s this big empty spot on the inside. And that, being close to your soulmate helps it heal, but it can feel overwhelming and hurt, even physically,” he explained as he looked down and into your eyes, and for a moment, you thought you could see pain there.

“How do I make it stop?” you sniffled.

The way he looked at you at that moment could only be described as loving as his thumb brushed away a tear that slipped from the corner of your eye. Another mild jolt of pain throbbed in your chest, and you winced, grabbing your shirt where you felt it. 

He leaned a little closer, now almost as close as he had been, when he looked at your collarbone, “Do you trust me?” he whispered.

You wanted to, God, you wanted to, but you were terrified at the same time, “I’m scared,” you replied, nearly inaudibly.

“I’ll never hurt you, at least not on purpose,” he told you softly, giving you that sweet smirk, one that you loved to see on him, especially when it was directed at you. “Even with you being scared, do you trust me?” he asked again, searching your expression for some shred of hope.

You took a shaky breath and bit your lip nervously for a moment, trying not to wince at the mild pain throbbing in your chest. “Yes,” you whispered, sniffling one more time.

Dean slowly leaned closer to where there was almost no distance left between his lips and yours. His eyes never left yours. You weren’t sure if the throbbing in your chest was pain, or your heartbeat, or possibly a mix of anxiety and anticipation. Just as you brought your hand up and held the back of his that was cradling your cheek, his lips soothingly met yours.

It would have been wonderful if that just fixed everything you were feeling and made all the nightmares of reality nonexistent, but that wasn’t how reality worked. The throbbing in your chest did seem to fade, at least enough to make it bearable. Your collarbone, on the other hand, burned, causing you to wince and pull away.

“What?” Dean asked, confused.

“My… shoulder… it burns,” you said between grimaces.

Dean furrowed his brow in confusion as he moved so he could get a better look. “Damnit,” he grumbled, seeing the red, irritated skin as more of your soulmate’s name was attempting to come through. It still didn’t look like anything yet, and now, it hurt.

He quickly got up, headed to the bathroom, then hurried back to you. He sat on the edge of the bed, opening up a tube of what you thought might be some sort of cream. It was cold against your skin and somewhat relieved the burning sensation.

“Sam said this might happen. You’re a true empath, Sweetheart,” he explained with a heavy sigh before looking into your eyes. When he saw how confused you were, it almost made him chuckle. “God, you really are adorable,” he smiled, brushing a few strands of your hair behind your ear.

The blush that crept into your cheeks and the pout of your lip did make him chuckle, though, “What’s an empath?” you asked, still pouting.

“It’s a special kind of person. You are capable of feeling people that aren’t your soulmate. The closer soulmates are to each other, the easier it is for them to feel what the other is. You, though, you can feel what anyone near you is going through or feeling. It’s stronger for those that you are close to,” he attempted to explain to you.

“So, what does that have to do with why my mark is burning?” you asked, still confused.

Dean thought for a moment, wanting to explain it in a way you could easily understand. “Because your soul is wounded like it is, because of what happened, the more your mark comes in, the more it will burn. You’re connected to those around you, not just to your soulmate. So, when you didn’t get your mark, and the town shunned you, it wounded your soul deeper than if you weren’t empathic.” He watched you, not only while he spoke but also afterward, hoping his words made sense. It was mostly how Sam had explained it to him.

The gears turned slowly in your mind as Dean’s words attempted to sink in. It was a lot to comprehend. You’d heard of empaths. Most of them were in professional fields, like the police, FBI, Therapists, and even Doctors. What he said at least made sense, but you still weren’t sure why you had to get stuck in the life you ended up in, as this just seemed like one more thing to make things worse for you.

“Why me?” you asked, feeling utterly miserable at the moment.

“I don’t know. I wish I did. I’m not going anywhere, though. You don’t have to go through this alone. You’re not alone anymore,” he answered, caressing your cheek again with that sweet smile on his lips. 

You weren’t sure what came over you, but his words hit something deep inside. Sitting up, you flung your arms over and around his shoulders in a hug, which surprised him, but only briefly. He sighed contently, gently snaking his arms around your back and holding you close.

“Thank you,” you whispered, not wanting to let go of him.

It was hard to sort your thoughts, but at the moment, you at least felt a little better, even with the slight burning feeling on your collarbone. You pulled back just enough so that you could look into his eyes. Those wonderful emerald eyes that sparkled with his laughter and held the softest of gazes when he watched you.

You were debating kissing him when the alarm sounded from your closet, causing both you and Dean to look in that direction. Without thinking, you let go of Dean, moved across the bed, and were in the closet quicker than he was. 

As you slid into the seat, looking at the videos flashing with red borders, Dean leaned over you, his hands on the back of the chair. Three men were in your house, moving through the rooms. Your heart was pounding in your chest again as you looked up at Dean, then back at the monitors. One of the men was clearly Azazel, but you hadn’t seen the other two before.

“I need to call Jodi,” Dean said through a clenched jaw, pulling out his burner phone. “Jodi, he’s here.”

----------------------------------------- Chapter 9

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[albatmobile]

Cardinal Sins Chapter 10

𓅪 Living with your vigilante boyfriends for the past year has been amazing, well, almost. Butting heads, old wounds resurfacing and a deadly threat still looming overhead could threaten the sanctity of everything you've ever fought for. Will you finally overcome your tainted past and survive the trials and tribulations, or will your relationships and your faith crumble under the pressure?

Rated: E | 10.5k | TW: violence | Contains: reconciliation, a new player enters the arena, court shenanigans, smut, praise kink, anal sex, oral fem!Reader x Jason Todd x Roy Harper [masterlist] Previous in Series: Art of Rehabilitating Snowbirds

Chapter Ten: Ready to Let Go

A week later, you get a letter saying your parents want to see you this upcoming weekend. You can’t help but think that maybe things could be looking up after all.

While reading the letter, you suddenly feel eyes on you. Your eyes shoot up instantly, catching a brief glimpse of blonde hair. If you didn’t know any better, you’d swear the person had been Samantha. You blink exaggeratedly before rubbing at your eyes to confirm that you’re 100% just sleep deprived and that it’d all been a mirage. After all, it’s not easy to get much sleep when every time you close your eyes, you just see him.

You don’t know what comes over you, but you don’t mention your parent’s letter to anyone. It’s for the best anyway, considering both men are more preoccupied with putting a cranky, sugar-crazed Lian to sleep than they are with the wrinkled paper in your hand.

“She get into the snack cabinet again?” you ask, highly amused with the entire situation.

Roy’s tired, light green eyes narrow. “What do you think?”

You snort, “When you’re tired, you sound just like, Jay, baby.”

Roy sticks out his tongue, which you quickly suck into your mouth. Your lips meet his chapped ones briefly before he’s forced to pull apart when Lian begins to wail. 

“I’M NOT TIRED!”

“That’s exactly what someone who’s tired would say,” Roy responds tonelessly with a sigh. 

“DAD, I’M NOT,” she cries. Seeing dad isn’t going to budge, she switches her tactics. “DADDY!” 

Jason just shakes his head as he reaches down to scoop her up into his muscular arms. “You want me to read to you?” 

The red, tear-faced little girl sniffles as she weighs her options. Her dark eyes move from Jason, to you, then to Roy before falling on Jason again. She gives a cute nod and cuddles into his neck while she pouts at her exhausted dad. As Jason carries Lian to her room, you hear the little girl mumble to her daddy, “Dad was mean to me.” 

Jason laughs, “Dad gets mean when he’s tired, just like another Harper I know.”

With Lian finally being put down for a nap, Roy wastes no time in picking you up and throwing you over his shoulder.

“The fuck, Roy!” you exclaim as you grasp at his shirt. You know there’s no way he’d ever drop you, you know, considering he does the whole hero thing for a living and all, but still, being upside-down is never comforting. 

Instead of responding, he drops you down on the bed before slinking over to you.

“Wanna makeout?” he asks.

You smirk lightly. “I thought you were tired.”

“Yeah,” he says as he straddles you. You quirk a questioning brow as he then leans down so that his lips are mere centimeters from yours. “That was until you fucked my tongue.”

Your nose wrinkles in distaste. “What a fucking gross way to describe what I did.”

“Just kiss me already, princess,” he murmurs before capturing your lips with his. His soft hands gently come up to cup your cheeks, deepening the kiss steadily as he does so until, eventually, he teasingly slips the tip of his tongue into your mouth. You flick at the appendage, chasing after it when it retreats to lewdly draw him back into your mouth.

Jason walks in to see Roy straddling your torso, grinding down into you while the two of you gasp dramatically into each other’s mouths. At the clearing of Jason’s throat, Roy breaks away but only briefly to throw his shirt off, then yours, before diving back in. 

“Baby,” you whimper breathlessly. You feel the bed shift and easily break away to drag Jason in for an equally salacious kiss. “You guys should fuck and let me watch,” you say, the words rushing out from your saliva-covered lips before you can stop them.

Both men pull away from each other abruptly, looking from each other, to finally stare dumbfounded you.

“You wouldn’t be jealous?” Jason asks. The tone of his voice carries a hint of guilt, though why, you can’t place.

You shrug. “Of course not. You’ve both watched me fuck the other; why wouldn’t I want to see that, too?”

Roy just smirks devilishly. “Oh, you have no idea the dirty shit I’m thinking about right now, baby,” Roy purrs and makes to pull Jason back in, but the raven-haired man stops him gently. 

“We should tell her,” Jason cautions quietly, as if the conversation is meant to stay between Roy and himself. “It doesn’t feel right.” Roy gulps inadvertently in response as the mood suddenly shifts. Jason exhales as he faces you again, “We fucked while you were in your coma.” The last part of his sentence comes out somewhat hesitantly, like he doesn’t want to beat around the bush but also doesn’t want to completely sour the mood.

You blink owlishly as you take in the news. “I feel like we’ve already been over this,” you start with a smile easily forming across your heated cheeks. “I don’t care who fucks who as long as it stays between the three of us,” you say, feeling your cheeks heat up even more as you do. 

“We’re in the clear?” Roy asks impishly as he quickly looks between Jason and you. “You’re not mad?” 

“I won’t be mad as long as you show me exactly what you two did,” you supply coquettishly. 

Before either of them seems to process your demand, you’re already scooting back on the bed, undressing as you go. Once naked, you lean against your shared pile of pillows. The act seems to spur them into action as they giddily rid themselves of their clothes, too. They’re making out again as you slowly spread your thighs, gently trailing up and down the soft skin of your inner thighs to tease yourself for what’s to come.

They’re both entirely too eager and swiftly move on to the next step as you finally grant yourself some relief by delving between your wet lips. It’s then that Roy begins stretching Jason’s ass, his light green eyes flickering between Jason on his knees and you on your back with your legs spread. Jason seems to notice his divided attention and arches his ass to further present his twitching hole to your boyfriend. All the while, the doggy-style position means that Jason’s facing you head-on, which only serves to make you exaggerate your moans even further.

You finally tickle at your inner folds, dragging lewdly through your slick as you watch Roy’s thick mechanical fingers steadily bob in and out of Jason’s ass. You try to take your time and pace it so that you’re not too close by the time Roy finally pushes into Jason’s tight hole. From here, your eyes flicker greedily between your hot boyfriends, catching their sex-dazed eyes as you do.

“You’re shit’s so fucking tight,” Roy groans in appreciation as he places his hands on Jason’s cheeks to spread them. “Taking my cock so good, Jay,” the redhead praises breathily.

“Well,” you and Jason correct absentmindedly in unison, pause, then laugh. 

“To think you guys call me a fucking loser,” Roy chides half-heartedly as he picks up his pace once again, earning a surprised moan from Jason’s supple lips.

It’s only been a few minutes into them fucking, but you find yourself shaking, leaving you embarrassed after having come so soon without any real stimulation. You move to close your blushing thighs when Jason suddenly stops you.

“When have we ever just let you come once, babe?”

You groan shakily in response to Jason’s rhetorical question and allow your thighs to ease back open. He’s close enough already to reach your slick-covered pussy and wastes no time in teasing your sensitive folds. Your whole body reacts to the first contact, arching lewdly with your chest bouncing as you do so as you let out a wobbly exhale.

“Never,” you breathe.

Jason’s tongue travels across all the familiar spots he knows drive you crazy, even going so far as to slow down his movements to achingly tease you further. If he’s going to play games, so are you. Though every moan is very much real, you turn up your reactions, feeling his ministrations below fervently speed up as you do so.

“Such a fucking slut for her pussy, aren’t you, Jay?” Roy teases Jason gruffly, followed by a smack on his ass that sends Jason surging forward into your cunt. The added pressure leaves you panting and pushing further against his mouth for greater friction. Jason only allows this for so long, though, before he goes back to playful flicks, light pressure and avoiding your throbbing clit.

“Mmm,” Jason moans against your slit. The vibrations are nearly too much and, if it weren’t for Roy’s next words, you know you’d probably be the one coming undone instead of Jason.

“Show her that’s our pussy, love,” Roy says, his half-lidded eyes never once leaving yours as the words leave his smirking, chapped lips. 

“Please,” you beg, quaking when Jason doubles down and actually gives you the friction you’ve been so desperately chasing after. His heavenly tongue soon slinks in and out of your dripping hole, slurping up your want as he goes along. With one hand clenched like a lifeline in the sheets below, your other quickly moves to fist Jason’s inky locks to force his mouth exactly where you need it. “Yes! Right there, Jay. Don’t fucking move,” you breathlessly curse at him. 

If your eyes hadn’t already rolled all the way to the back of your head, you’d probably notice the animalistic look behind Roy’s usually tame, verdant gaze at the erotic sight. Instead, all you can focus on is Jason’s unrelenting mouth and the intense pleasure it’s causing.

You think your pornstar-worthy moans will cause Roy to crumble first, but surprisingly, it’s Jason whose hips sputter out a large bout of come first. His breath catches hotly against your pulsating pussy and you inadvertently whine for more.

“Shit, babe,” Jason pants. When he pulls away, saliva and your want string from his mouth, connecting the two of you until he tiredly wipes away at it. 

Without another word, Roy pulls out, looking mischievous as ever. “What?” the redhead questions cheekily you as soon as he sees your dubious look. “Really weren’t going to tell me how much you’ve been holding back on me and ol’ Jay here, now were you, princess?”

“Shut up,” you groan half-heartedly, wishing you had a free pillow to knock him over the head with. “It’s probably because neither one of you has ever eaten me out like that before,” you admit and blush profusely when Jason looks your way.

“Fair enough,” Roy continues the banter easily as he slinks across the mattress towards his panting lovers. “So,” he drawls, “we’re definitely going to have to do this again and we’re definitely going to have to soundproof these walls.” You snort and Jason chuckles tiredly, though you and Roy are still very much ready to go. Roy seems to realize this too and smirks wolfishly as he slinks over to take over Jason’s spot between your legs. “You know, I can’t lie, I’m kinda hurt over here, princess,” Roy says, though he sounds anything but. His soft hands trail up and down the mix of slick and saliva that covers your inner thighs. “Saying I haven’t been taking care of you right.” His verdant eyes flicker up at your expectant form as he forms his next question. “That can’t be right, now can it?”

With this, his impish tongue pokes out to trickle across your sensitive outer lips, spurring a light sigh from you.

“No,” you respond breathlessly once Roy stops his ministrations in anticipation of an answer.

“We can’t have our princess feeling unsatisfied, now can we?” he continues teasingly. 

You both fully know that they’d never leave you unsatisfied with anything when it comes to the bedroom. It’s not at all what you’d meant at all when you said that they had never eaten you out like this before. It’s just never felt so intense.Them fucking, coupled with Jason’s expert tongue, left you with an orgasm you’d never experienced before. You can’t deny, however, that you’re ready for Roy to try and outdo him, though.

Having taken his spot, Jason moves to lay beside you, gently guiding your chin and, subsequently, your attention over to him as he gently and slowly captures your lips with his own. You find yourself melting against his body, but Roy’s swift to remind you of his promise. 

The redhead pries your thighs back open as he achingly teases his way from above your clit all the way down to your twitching hole. If Jason’s tongue was heavenly, Roy’s is downright sinful. While both know exactly how to push you over the edge with their mouths alone, Roy’s definitely pulling out new tricks that leave you gasping and sighing against Jason’s lips. With Jason’s hand placed strategically over your lower stomach, all of Roy’s movements feel amplified and, having just come down from an orgasm, you’re already feeling overly sensitive in the best possible way.

With a strategic plunging of his tongue in and out of your wet pussy, coupled with his cool, metallic thumb flicking at your clit, you feel another orgasm steadily approaching. Before you’re completely pushed over the edge, however, Roy suddenly retreats from your aching cunt.

You pull off of Jason’s lips in an instant, turning to ask Roy what’s wrong only to have to stifle a laugh as he waddles over on his knees to come all over your abused pussy. The redhead comes with a shaky exhale and groan as his hips jerkily rock into fist while he empties out his entire load all over your slick folds.

“You get off on eating my pussy, baby?” you ask teasingly, channeling Roy’s usual cheekiness as you watch him come undone.

“Fuck yeah,” he replies through his panting, sounding completely fucked-out. “Always.”

You lose yourself in the redhead’s minute reactions that follow and miss how Jason’s hand trails down your lower stomach all the way down to your entrance. When his calloused fingers breach your entrance, you gasp. Your hips sputter against the filled feeling and friction he’s supplying and quickly meet his knowing thrusts with shaky ones of your own.

“Your turn,” Jason says suddenly against the sensitive shell of your ear. 

“Fuck,” you curse as he swirls his fingers through Roy’s want before abruptly fucking it into your cunt. “I’m not gonna last much longer,” you admit breathily.

“Good girl,” Roy praises you with his voice leaving tantalizing vibrations across your cunt as he does.

Sure enough, with Jason fucking Roy’s come directly into your g-spot, you find release a few moments later. Your second orgasm is more intense than the first and you’d probably be embarrassed by your reaction if you hadn’t been met by your loves wanton eyes on you when you shakily focus back on them. 

“So fucking good,” you admit, though suddenly, neither are looking at you. Well, not your face, at least. No, both men’s eyes are trained on your dripping pussy where your orgasm has lewdly pushed the sticky white substance back out and onto your slick folds.

Without warning, Jason swoops down and erotically slurps up the combination of saliva and come. You half prepare yourself for him to coax it between your lips, but he moves Roy’s way instead. Completely entranced by the entire interaction, Roy willingly presents his open mouth for Jason to spit inside, with Roy swallowing obediently. A small stream trickles out from the corner of Roy’s chapped mouth, something Jason notices and quickly corrects. He lewdly laps at the fluids before forcing it back into Roy’s mouth with his dutiful tongue.

The two of them lose themselves in each other’s lips for a moment before leaning down to press gentle, wet kisses against your blushing cheeks and lips.

Completely spent, the three of you collapse backward onto the mattress together, panting lightly as you do.

“So, which one of us is cooking dinner?” you ask. The remnants of your orgasms have left you entirely too tired to cook like you’d been planning to. Not to mention, you hardly feel like moving from your bed for the rest of the evening.

It’s quiet for a beat as the bed’s other inhabitants obviously are feeling much of the same.

“Pizza?” Roy tries.

“Pizza,” Jason agrees.

•••

Later that same day, you contemplate your options. You know visiting hours are only for another hour. You’ve sat on the decision all day, but you’re no where near being closer to having an answer. With Jason and Roy out picking up food, you know this may be your only chance to slip out undetected.

You need to know.

Before you lose the will to go, your feet start moving. 

You know they’ll be back any second, so Lian will be fine and even go so far as to tell yourself that if you run into them, you won’t bother going.

When you call the elevator, you’re 90% sure it’ll open to reveal your partners, but the elevator car is empty. 

What the fuck are you doing? You berate yourself as you step inside and hit the button for the lobby. Your breathing quickens as the realization of what you’re doing crashes over you. You make to hop off, to go back inside the apartment and go to Lian’s room to play with her, but ultimately, the doors slide shut, sealing your fate.

By the time you’re across the street, you watch as your loves walk into the building, holding hands. Your heart sinks at the sight. Logically, you know you should call out to them. You should call out to them right now, but you don’t. The last thing you need is for them to talk you out of it when you’re already seconds from bailing as it is. 

With a heavy heart and unsure gate, you walk away from your family.

The prison is a decent ways away, luckily Gotham City taxi drivers are a different breed. You make it to Blackgate in under 20 minutes. 

The whole sign-in ordeal takes another 30 or so minutes, leaving only 10 minutes to speak with them by the time you’re being escorted over to the visitation room. The guard who ends up walking you over to them has been giving you weird vibes the entire time, but you ultimately end up blaming his behavior on your uneasiness with the situation. It definitely doesn’t help your unease that the entire visiting section is completely empty. 

As you sit down on the visitor side of the glass partition, you still can’t help but wonder just what’s made them change their minds. Why is this time different?

Before you can question their goodwill any further, the guard strikes.

It all happens so fast. One second, you’re waiting for your parents to join you and the next, you notice movement in the glass. Before you can react, you’re punched in the face and knocked to the ground. You scramble to get up and retaliate, but the guard, who’s now disguised by an owl mask, holds you down with a chokehold. Your face heats up as your blood floods to it, feeling as your eyes bulge out of your head before, ultimately, passing out.

•••

“LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT!”

The wretched sound of scratching overtakes your senses as you watch a large group of disheveled people scratching at glass in front of you.

Their voices soon overtake each other, panicking as a putrid green fog overtakes your vision.

You laugh, but it comes out as his laugh.

“Let the fun begin,” you say, though your voice ends up coming out as Joker’s.

Suddenly, the dream halts, though your surroundings still feel hazy, as if the last few dregs of the dream, nightmare, are still overtaking your senses. You attempt to stir, but everything feels like you’re wading through water.

“That’s it,” a distorted voice encourages you.

Huh?

You try to open your eyes, but they feel heavy- like, way heavier than usual. Your mouth feels cottony, reminding you of the time in the library when you and… you and…

Your loves.

Your eyes slowly open to reveal a dark, cavernous room.

The Batcave? When did you get here? The last thing you remember was…

Oh.

You blink, attempting to clear the blurriness from your vision, but it doesn’t help any. If anything, it only causes you to fall back into the comfort of closing them, becoming instantly met with a large boat. It almost looks like the one Damian had…

Damian.

Your eyes flash open to see a dark outline of a man in front of you. All the while, your breathing picks up as you attempt to remember just what the fuck is going on, but the pounding in your temple becomes far too overwhelming. 

“Welcome back to the land of the living,” the voice jokes sinisterly. “I’ve been dying to introduce myself to a fine specimen such as yourself.”

“Sthpeth-imn?” you slur, then immediately shut your mouth. What the fuck did this dude do to you? 

“You can call me Dr. Crane for now.” His voice suddenly becomes closer, causing you to flinch. “Oh, no. Don’t be worried. No,” he reassures you with a comforting voice, though you feel anything but comforted, “this is all a part of the plan, don’t you see?” He sounds somewhat giddy now. “You’re the perfect specimen. All the others failed me- failed my genius, but not you. No, your body accepts it. It accepts what everyone else’s should’ve. I was right all along and they tried to tell me-“ he cuts himself off, chuckling darkly. “Well, they tried to tell me I’d failed,” he guffaws before growing interested in you again. “But, you see, I don’t fail and you’re the proof. The unkempt man circles around you, eyes flitting across every inch of your body as he observes your every minute reaction. “You know,” he starts conversationally, “when they first told me you were special, I didn’t believe them, but now-."

“H-” you try to ask, 'who,' but the words aren’t coming out right. “Them,” you finally manage as you attempt to ask him who else is behind this.

“Shh, it’s okay,” he responds placatingly. “By now, you’ve inhaled a majority of the vapor. All that’s left to do is let it take over.”

Crane mentioned vapor; however, the man seems largely unaffected by the greenish smog that hangs in the room. He doesn’t appear to be wearing a gas mask of any kind, either. If you’d been in your right mind, you probably would’ve attempted to interrogate the doctor, but right now, you’re focused on escaping. You’re under the influence of an experimental concoction and you don’t want to give it any more time to take effect. 

Your breathing quickens even more and you struggle against your rope restraints on the examination table. Through the haze of whatever concoction you’re breathing in, you notice a small table filled with medical equipment next to you. You fight the shivers that spread across your body as you eye a promising scalpel. 

Pretending to be more out of it than you are leads to Crane dropping his guard. He turns around and presses play on an old radio. Classical music fills the muddled air as the doctor begins to rifle through a small closet off to the side, but you don’t wait to see what he produces as you make a grab for the sharp instrument and begin to saw haphazardly against your restraints. First, your left hand, then your right. You feign being restrained when he begins to dance to the crescendo of violins and rapidly cut through the ropes around your ankles the second he turns back around to grab… a rotten sack? 

Yeah, you’re not sticking around to find out what the fuck that’s about. 

You can’t pretend you’re restrained any longer now that all the ropes are so obviously broken, so you gather every bit of sanity within yourself to slip from the metal bed to stumble over behind the man who’s too busy shoving his head inside the bag. You use the sack around his head as a weapon, quickly wrapping the remnants of rope around his neck and tugging hard, falling to the ground as he vehemently reacts. His skinny body ends up on top of you and you will yourself to follow your instincts, to follow your training, but you can hardly stay present in your mind as it is. Everything feels like a dream. The actions you make feel as if you’re wading through a mental flood to accomplish them and you know your strength isn’t anything like you’re used to, but it’s what you’ve got, so you use it anyway.

“AGH!” he exclaims as his bruised hands attempt to pry the rope off his throat. You feel him shift as he tries to turn around to grant you the same courtesy, but you shift your hips at the last second and end up on top of him. You’re panting with snot streaming from your nose as you use everything within yourself to choke him.

“Out, out,” you repeat, willing your crippling visions away as you beg him to just pass out already. After speaking, you feel droll leaking out of the corners of your mouth but you don’t dare to attempt to wipe it away. You’re giving everything into your power around the rope, screaming when your hands grow numb, whether from the white-knuckled grip you have on the hold or whatever he’s injected you with, but you can’t give up now.

All the while, his fists clash into your sides. It’s a relentless pain that only serves to keep you in the moment as you continue to drift in and out of reality.

Seconds pass, possibly minutes, before he stops struggling. The punches cease and soon, the noises spewing from his throat cease as well. Even though your hands are purple at this point, you keep the hold on him for as long as you can before you feel yourself falling to the side of Crane’s passed-out form. Upon landing on the stone ground below, you heave, effectively losing whatever’s in your stomach to the stone below.

Scratching.

You hear it as if it’s happening in this very lab- no, you can practically feel it against your skin as you gasp and shake on the ground.

You need to get up. You need to get up. Get up. Please, get up. With this mantra on repeat in your head, you force your head off the ground. Your head feels entirely too heavy for your neck and you end up failing it around like a newborn baby as you attempt to get a grip on your mind, but it’s nearly impossible. 

You think about your family, but it only makes things worse. Instead of seeing Jason, Roy and Lian, you see flashes of your parents, then Bruce. You try to calm your breathing at the calming thought of your father figure, but your pulse continues to vibrate throughout your veins in a way that makes everything hard to focus.

SLAP!

“No,” you mumble incoherently. With your visions crashing down upon you, you finally manage to make headway in standing by tugging yourself back over to the examination table and using it to support your weight as you struggle to stand. Your legs feel like absolute noodles and any time you try to move away from the table, your knees give in.

It’s then that you notice two vials of liquid on the very tray you’d stolen the scalpel from. One a half-full, toxic green and the other a deep indigo. Half-delirious, you snatch them up as quickly as you can manage, realizing only then that you’re completely naked. You stumble over to pick up a lab coat off the hook by the door as you slowly inch out of the room, placing the vials in the pockets as carefully as you can in your state of mind. 

You’re half expecting whatever building you’re in to be a maze in the way Cadmus had been, but the sight that meets you shocks you. Laid out before you is an actual maze. An absolutely gigantic one, in fact.

What the fuck.

Using the stone walls as support, you begin your arduous trek. 

You catch flickers of your parents as you wander aimlessly, following their familiar forms, only to come to a halt just when you think you’ve caught up to them. You find yourself having run into a dead end what feels like hours later, though you figure it’s only been minutes.

You heave a sigh through your pants as you force yourself to turn around to find Bruce. 

“Help,” you manage to wheeze out through your dry throat. “Safe-“

Bruce’s mirage cuts you off, “Follow.”

Though you know it’s only a figment of your imagination, the man moves quickly, like way too quickly for you to keep up with. You try to run but end up flailing and tripping over your own feet. You try to beg him to wait for you, to help you, but the man only gives you an unimpressed look. You soon realize that he’s not going to wait for you; he’s not going to budge. It’s his pace and it’s clear that you either need to catch up or find yourself left in the dust.

Dragging yourself across the stone floor, you ignore the way the porous material scratches and cuts at your skin. You need Bruce. He’s your lifeline and your only way out of here, you hazily reason. Regardless, he disappears around a corner to the left of you and, by the time you’ve dragged yourself over there, he’s disappeared completely. 

“COME BACK,” you scream out as you desperately search around for him. “PLEASE!” you try again. “Don’t leave me…” you mumble, feeling out of your body as your head bobs lucidly while you continue on your search. Your breath huffs out against the stones and you allow yourself only a few seconds to rest your head on their cold surface before once again forcing yourself to stand.

At this point, you’re flitting in and out of reality nearly every other second. You can hardly keep track of what’s real and what’s not, but you continue to move your feet as fast as you can. You break into a drunken-looking run, crashing against the stone partition at the end of this section of the maze. Groaning in pain, you notice that the impact has wedged the wall slightly open, revealing a sliver of light through the crack.

Panting, you press against the stones, groaning in pain when the hidden entrance rumbles open, sending you tumbling inside.

“Agh!”

You think you pass out for a moment, but you’re not entirely sure. When you come to again, you find yourself in what appears to be another lab, though this one looks as if it was left in a haste. 

There’s a sink to your right, so you stumble to get up and over to it to begin drinking from the tap. When the water hits your tongue, you feel slightly more awake, but end up choking on the liquid and find it hard to breathe while you try to swallow around it. Nonetheless, you force yourself to down more of the liquid, relishing in the way it clears your mind. 

By the time you’ve gotten your fill, you feel more in control of your actions, enough to suddenly notice the partially covered glass box in the middle of the room. Curtains have been hastily drawn around it, but a portion of the glass behind it is still visible.

Thereupon the glass is…

No, it can’t be.

Scratching.

”STOP!” you beg, clutching your head as the visions flow freely once again. “No more, please! NO MORE!” Your voice is completely fucked. You can’t be sure if you were screaming while you were out earlier, but fuck if it doesn’t feel like you’ve screamed your throat raw.

Weighing out your options, you hobble closer to the glass, tugging the curtains back haphazardly only to find bloodied streaks covering the visible portion of glass. What’s worse? All the discarded files you’re currently stepping on. It’s hard to read; your brain can hardly focus on escape as it is, but you understand enough to know these are lab reports. Each report is adorned with a photo of an unkempt person, dead behind the eyes.

“No,” you mutter hazily. “NO!” With this, you use what little strength you have to tear down the curtains and end up taking the rods down with it as well to reveal the stolen microwave emitter. You sharply exhale, feeling your entire body shake as your mind attempts to shut down again. You won’t let it- you refuse. “FUCK!” you exclaim as you slap yourself across the face once, then twice, to keep yourself alert. 

SLAP!

Waves of images flood your brain. Images of family in all its forms. Leaping from one broken home to another, creating your own version of safety only to have it all be threatened. Bruce- he…

You’re panting again as you slowly make your way back out into the labyrinth, catching a glance of a sticky-note on a bulletin board in the room as you get to the threshold. The yellow paper reads: Gotham Marina 4/1 REDEMPTION!

With newfound energy from your discoveries, you now notice the overwhelming feeling of being watched. If this is The Court you’re dealing with, you know the only way out in your state is to outwit them.

“You think you’re the first ones to drug me?” you call out shakily as you clumsily enter back into the stone maze. You manage to swallow down the lump in your throat as you address your watcher again, “YOU THINK YOU’RE THE FIRST ONES TO INVADE MY MIND?!”

Instead of a response, you’re met with a coolness at your ankles. Upon looking down, you notice that the same sickly fog in Crane’s lab trickling along the floor like a threat for what’s to come.

From here, your visions grow worse.

Water.

A ship.

Fog.

Scratching.

SLAP!

You let out a guttural scream, wishing it will somehow rid your brain of these crippling thoughts, but it only pains your strained throat further. You’re running out of gas. At this point, the whole labyrinth just seems like a cruel joke. You finally feel like you live up to your supposed purpose: a lab rat.

You watch yourself leap from one family to another as if they’re atop clouds, searching for, well, you’re not sure. Your parents reject you, sending you leaping again as the fluffy structure disappears out from under your feet. It’s then that you see Bruce, the manor, all the people you grew up with. It feels like home, but while Bruce doesn’t send you packing, your stay is merely temporary. Your distorted vision shows the man holding a scale, weighing out everything you’ve done. When one side outweighs the other, he suddenly casts you aside, sending you crashing through the now smog-filled sky. You see Bruce peering down over the edge of the cloud to watch you plummet without a care right before you hit the final cloud in the sky.

You’re panting as you sit up to see Jason, Roy and Lian having a tea party. You want to laugh. This whole situation is insane and the visions are unlike anything you’ve experienced before. You truly have no fucking idea what’s going on, let alone what’s real and what’s not.

Whatever is real and whatever is not is hardly relevant, however. What is relevant is the message behind it all. You realize that, no matter what you do, the fear of being disowned again cripples you to your core. Logically, you know you’re in too deep now- the point of no return. There’s no way to come out of this situation unscathed, you realize. Whether at the cost of your life, the city, or your family, these elements can’t all be saved without the destruction of another. 

Something has to give.

Lian suddenly gets up from the table and you think she’ll invite you over, but she appears upset. 

“You left me,” she says. Your mind goes blank. “You left me just like my other mommy.”

“I,” you start, then quickly trail off. She’s turning away, facing back to where Jason and Roy are now standing and looking at you with disgust. “I didn’t want to fuck this up,” you plead, grabbing her by the shoulders so she faces you again, but she easily brushes your hold away to round the nearest corner of the maze. You give a jerky gaze back to the table, but both your loves have disappeared as well. With nothing left, you chase after her. “LIAN! I DIDN’T WANT IT TO BE THIS WAY. I WASN’T SUPPOSED TO END UP LIKE THIS. I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO END UP LIKE THEM- PLEASE BELIEVE ME! My parents...” Your throat feels raw, but screaming feels like the only way to reach her. “I DIDN’T WANT TO LEAVE YOU,” you finally yell. The sound echoes emptily as it bounces across the cold stone surrounding you. You’re crying now, tears streaming down your face as you clumsily search for her. Finally, you round an unfamiliar corner to find her being comforted by Jason and Roy. “Lian!” you exclaim as you blearily scramble over to her.

“You’re not my real mom,” she says quietly, causing you to stop flailing. You brace yourself against one of the walls as you pant, head pounding, heart pounding uncontrollably as your vision tunnels around you. The only things you can clearly make out are Lian, Jason and Roy, but it only serves to make you more panicked. “And you did leave me,” her dark eyes stare you down hauntingly, “just like her.”

This time, she’s ushered away by your loves who treat you like you’re not even there. You don’t attempt to chase after them, fuck knows she’s better off without you... They all are.

You crash through the last cloud, finding yourself on the stone-cold ground as you catch your bearings.

You want to give up as you slink to the frigid floor below. Tears flow freely from your stinging, puffy eyes as you rock back and forth on the rough ground. “I’m sorry,” you mutter, hating how the sound of your voice plays on repeat all around you. “I made a mistake,” you sniffle wetly. “I made a fucking mistake. I can’t do this alone, I can’t-“ you choke. “I can’t be alone. Please, don’t leave me,” you brokenly whisper to the empty maze.

Through your blinding thoughts, you hear a semi-familiar voice. You’re unable to place it, but you can’t help but follow after it. 

“Go right,” the voice says, echoing along the stone chasms surrounding you. Your legs jerk in the direction, staggering to follow after the sound. “Right.” Again, you clumsily chase after the voice. “Make a left at the opening.”

Upon taking the left, you lumber out into the center of the maze whilst mumbling the directions lucidly.

“There is no hope,” the voice suddenly booms, sounding as if it’s right behind you. However, when you turn around, you’re only met with more fog. “There is no savior.” At this point, you’re spinning around, looking erratically for the source. “Not this time.” From here, a familiar man emerges menacingly from the thick smog.

“Talon,” you hiss incoherently.

“That’s right,” he praises you. Similar to Dr. Crane, he begins to circle you as if studying your every movement. “We finally meet. I hear you have a penchant for ruining plans.” You have no idea what to say to that, so you remain silent. Your brain is thrumming in pain and delusion, but you fight to push past it, and you force yourself to circle around the killer. “You won’t mess up mine, though. You see, I have a penchant for pushing people to their limit,” he says. “I like peering between the cracks in a person’s psyche to see how I can melt it down, mold it to fit my wants and needs.” He suddenly surges forward, pinning you against the stone wall behind you. “I’m going to manipulate you in ways that haven’t been studied yet, but I’m guessing you’ll be a really good test subject. After all, that is your purpose, right?”

“Fuck you,” you spit, growling when his face comes within centimeters of yours. “You talk about control and yet you’re not even the one in charge.”

He presses you deeper against the cold, scratchy surface. The threat his strength alone brings is threat enough. Knowing you’re in his territory and he has weapons at his disposal while you’re just stuck with your hands is the even bigger threat.

“Do you feel in charge?” he asks, though you can tell he’s just teasing you. It’s as if he finds the whole situation largely amusing; as if he already knows how this is going to end.

Well, he doesn’t.

You technically don’t either, to be honest, but you refuse to let this be the way you go out.

“I’m in charge here,” you pant, whimpering when his thick, gloved hand comes up to choke you. Your hand immediately covers his in a lame attempt to pry it off, but it’s useless. “This is my mind,” you hiss through the abhorrent pressure. “You can’t hurt me in here.”

“Is that so?” Talon scoffs, backing off immediately. You gasp, drawing in as much tainted air as you can and regret it instantly when the woozy feeling the gas brings washes over you once again. “Let’s test that theory, then.” With this, he draws his swords and charges at you.

You roll yourself along the stone wall and quickly flee to the closest portion of the maze. Your movements are jerky, unstable, but it’s all you’ve got. At the very least, you’re just glad you’re able to move. This doesn’t mean, however, that you’re moving in any semblance of fast, meaning Talon’s able to catch up to you easily. The man, though he’s completely covered by his mask, is clearly enjoying the chase.

His sword crashes to the left of you, clanking against the stone as it makes abrupt contact. The sudden movement has you crashing into the opposite wall. You drop down to avoid another swing and stumble to get back up to run barefoot down a different section of the labyrinth.

It’s here that you manage to lose him for a second, though you soon hear his sword scraping menacingly against the walls as he searches for you. He’s rapidly approaching and you have no idea what to do. Your brain screams, begging for you to give in to the poison, but you know that if you give in now, you’ll be dead before the days up. You shake your head, pinching yourself wherever you can to keep yourself awake and alert as you search for the exit.

“Come out, come out wherever you are,” he sing-songs. “How much longer can you keep this up?” he calls out tauntingly. “No, really, I want to know.” His dark, damning voice is close. With two options in front of you, you pick the one on the right, only to run into a dead end. “You know I can hear you.” He sounds like he’s talking through a smile. “I can end this any time I want.”

You don’t know what comes over you, but you’ve had enough. You’re not some owl’s fucking prey. 

“Then, do it!” you scream. “DO IT!” 

He’s on you in a second, but you’re already nearly out of the dead end. The man tackles you to the ground, chuckling darkly as he does.

You’re fucked. You’re absolutely fucking dead.

The sound of clanking glass draws your attention, but Talon’s too focused on subduing you to notice it. You’d completely forgotten that you have two vials of their shitty concoction in your stolen lab coat. If this is the only chance you have for a distraction, you know you’ve got to use it. You only hope some of the liquid will survive for analysis, but you’re mainly just focused on, you know, not fucking dying.

“I know you want me to kill you, that you want me to end the misery you’re experiencing,” he gibes as he presses his sword against the scar on your neck, “but I won’t.” With this, he uses his other hand to draw up the hanging cloth portion of the bottom of his mask to reveal a pleased smirk. “I have other plans in mind.”

He did say you have a penchant for fucking up plans, didn’t he?

With both his hands preoccupied, you shove yours into the pockets of the lab coat to produce the purple vial. Though he catches onto what you’re doing fast, it’s not fast enough. You break the vial against the floor, stabbing the sharp edges of the broken glass into his exposed neck.

“Taste of your own fucking medicine,” you manage to slur out as you wiggle out from under him.

While he continues to react to the substance, you make a break for it. Though you’re delirious, marks and blood along the stone labyrinth help you recognize ways you’ve been down and ways you haven’t. By sheer dumb luck, you stop to catch your breath right by, upon closer inspection, what appears to be a door. You can only hope it’s not another fucking lab.

You push with the rest of your strength, screaming in agony as you do so. The door whines and groans under your force until it’s forced open to reveal-

“Oh, no fucking way,” you mutter weakly as you stumble into the very room you’d been in a week prior.

The Court’s headquarters are hidden behind the fireplace you’d found at their secret meeting location. You hardly have time to think of how you’d been right as you stagger through the familiar space.

The hall you’d been in for the court meeting is eerily empty, allowing you to run out through the front door as if on autopilot. When you emerge, you keep running without stopping until you reach the law firm- safety. You don’t know what time it is, let alone what day it is, as you storm inside the dark office. Luckily, the place is empty. Though there's an abundance of cars and activity outside, the clock inside reads 1:03.

Panicked, you begin to rifle around the filing cabinet and soon find your discarded gown. You waste no time in pulling it on, quickly shifting into a fighting stance when you hear rustling from outside the building. Those owl fucks aren’t taking you back to that place. No. You won’t let them. You’ll die before you become someone’s experiment again. 

Willing all the sanity you have left and gathering up the remnants of your depleted energy, you storm out of the building with rabid eyes, paperweight from one of the desks loosely in your right hand as you come face-to-face with Red Hood and Arsenal. Upon your entrance into the alley, you swear you see the familiar gleam of familiar sais, but it’s gone before you can question if you’ve imagined it or not.

“What happened?” You’re looking at them, but you’re far too out of it to tell which one of them is talking. “Who did this to you?”

You shake your head. They’re not fucking real. None of this is.

Panic swells over your entire being, feeling yourself begin to shake. You’re freezing, but it’s the only feeling keeping you grounded as you fight through the fog that’s overwhelming your mind. You’re shivering, your mouth wobbling as you try to think of something coherent to see if it’s really them, but nothing comes out.

You suppose it’s good that neither of them has tried to attack you just yet, but it doesn’t necessarily clarify that it’s not The Court. You know now from firsthand experience that they like to play games, so who’s to say this isn’t another one of their fucked up tests? 

Were they going to leave again, just as they had in the maze?

“I-“ you say, attempting to catch your breath while you wonder if they’re actually real or not. “I’m the one in control of my mind,” you hiss at them. “I CONTROL ME!” you shout crazily, lifting your arm with the weighted weapon as if begging them to dispute your words. “Neither of you are real,” you whimper, shaking your head rapidly as you back away from their advancing forms. “NONE OF THIS IS FUCKING REAL!”

“Baby, we’re here to save you.” 

You hear Roy’s voice as clear as day, but your vision is still too hazy to confirm if he’s merely a vision or not. You know you’re lucky to have made it as far as you have, though part of you worries that you’re still inside, that maybe you haven’t left that wretched hell at all. 

You feel yourself slipping, wanting to believe so bad that it really is them. 

“I don’t need anyone to save me,” you growl. Contrary to your words, however, seconds later your arm begins to shake and soon, your whole body follows suit. Without warning, you crumple to the pavement in front of them and begin to sob. Your hands clench around fistfuls of your hair as you begin to shake and rock back and forth. “I just want this to end. Please!”

“It’s over,” Jason’s voice assures you, whispering your name like a promise. “It’s over.”

Somehow, you believe him.

“It’s over,” you conceed before promptly passing out.

•••

This time, when you wake up, you find yourself in your bed. 

You quickly snap your eyes shut again as you tune into the noises in your surroundings.

The shower’s running and you hear the TV on low. Upon listening closer, you realize that it’s on The Food Network, undoubtedly Jason’s choice. You battle internally with yourself: to open your eyes and trust that this is real, or play opossum and try to figure out how to actually get out of the maze- out of your head.

While you’re going back and forth, you suddenly hear Jason’s deep humming reverberating from the bathroom, meaning the weight you feel beside you must be Roy. Your heart beats fast, wanting so badly to believe that you escaped. You take a leap of faith and open your eyes. Roy’s light green ones latch onto yours immediately.

“Hey,” he greets your dazed form quietly. You close your eyes again, willing the scene to change, but it doesn’t. When you open them again, Roy’s still there, staring at you with concern. “Jay!” Roy calls out. Not even seconds later, a distressed Jason emerges in the doorway of the adjoining bathroom, completely wet and completely naked.

For some reason, all these little quirks somehow add up to let you know that this is actually real. You had managed to escape The Court of Owls all on your own.

“What happened?” Jason asks as he approaches you slowly. “Are you feeling alright?” Are you sane again? You open your mouth to speak, but your throat is too raw to speak. “I’ll make you some tea,” he says instead. You watch lazily as he grabs a towel and swiftly exits without another word.

“We were really worried,” Roy says. His voice is deep and gravelly. It feels entirely intimate and this is exactly what you need after the hell you just went through. “Did someone take you?” he asks as he cautiously curls around you. When you don’t tense, he allows himself to relax into you, drawing circles across your shoulders as he does. “When we came back, you were gone and Lian was playing alone in her room.”

You attempt to swallow around the lump in your throat, but it’s too dry to do so. Guilt floods every atom of your being, so much so that the shame visibly heats up your cheeks. As a cop-out, you motion to your throat and he seems to understand that you’re unable to speak. You watch as he frowns and turns toward the TV, though his eyes are glazed over as if deep in thought.

Jason returns minutes later with a tray containing a steaming kettle and a teacup filled with honey and a filled infuser. 

“It’s chamomile,” he says as he shifts uncomfortably, awaiting your first sip. 

You’ve only ever seen him act like this when he needs to apologize to you. Had you not already been feeling so guilty, you might actually kind of find it cute how nervous he was for you. However, all you can think about is how angry they’re both going to be with you when the truth comes out. You practically already know their reaction, having seen how they abandoned you in the maze after Lian had… It wasn’t real, you reassert to yourself.

“It’s good,” you manage to rasp out after a few sips. The hot liquid coats your throat, silencing the pain for a brief second as you swallow it down. After another cup, you gently clear your throat, grimacing lightly when sharp pain erupts from the action. “I’m sorry,” you whisper.

“Don’t be, baby,” Roy coos gently. “What happened to you wasn’t your fault at all.” While you’d like nothing more than to lie and shift the blame, you know you can’t. Regardless of what you saw in the labyrinth, you know you owe it to them to take the blame, to tell the truth.

“But it was,” you breathe. They both look at you curiously, leaving you to shrink into yourself. “I left here willingly.” You don’t bother to watch their expressions change as the weight of your admission hits them.

“So, you willingly left Lian alone?” Jason asks curtly. “What? To take down The Court on your own like that dumb shit you pulled at the dockyards?”

You hang your head in shame. “My parents,” you reply through a voice crack. You clear your throat again, taking another sip as you finally look at both of them again. Jason’s face is completely blank, while Roy’s is entirely betrayed.

Fuck.

Though you had to know this was coming, it still doesn’t make their reactions sting any less.

“You left our kid to go see some fucking deadbeats?” Jason hisses, brows furrowing as if you might’ve actually lost your goddamned mind. “The fuck is going on with you? This isn’t like you at all, so what the fuck is actually going on?”

“They sent me a letter. I wasn’t planning on going,” you admit. “Being alone in the house, though, all I could do was think on it. Time was running out and before I knew it, I was outside the building watching the two of you walk in.”

“And you didn’t say shit to us?”

“No,” you whimper, feeling tears coming on. It would’ve saved so much pain and so much misunderstanding had you just reached out to them. Now, well… “I fucked up. I really did,” you sob. “Maybe I’m tired of always making the right decisions,” you manage through a gross sniffle. “Maybe I’m tired of needing backup. Maybe I just want to do shit for myself and know I can take care of the aftermath without… I don’t need anyone,” you wail, “but I want to rely on the two of you and all this shit with the family, Bruce and now knowing that my parents are fucking through with me, it’s all too much. I think,” you cut off with a hiccup, “I think I broke down. Mentally, you know? Even if I hadn’t been abducted, I’d still feel bad for leaving how I did. It wasn’t right and it’s not what a mom does.” You hiccup again as you wipe away the stream of tears leaking from your eyes. 

“So, what happened?” Roy asks. You can tell he’s still distraught that you left your daughter alone, but you know he feels some relief knowing she was alone for only a minute or two. Doesn’t make it any better, though, you know that as much as anyone in the room.

“I went there and they didn’t show up.” You shrug nonchalantly, but the words kill you inside. You’ve officially been discarded. There’s no making up with them, no redeeming any sense of the relationship with either of them. Dead. That’s all they want. They want you dead. And then Bruce… You sigh, “I just wanted to give them a chance, just like you’ve both done with your parents. Didn’t matter, anyway. The guard must’ve worked for The Court because he punched me.” You motion to the bruise that’s undoubtedly adorning your face before continuing, “It was all a trap, though. I woke up in some underground lab, completely drugged off my ass.”

From here, you tell them everything: from Crane to Talon, the maze, the sticky-note and even your vision and the subsequent glass container that followed.

“You should’ve let us come with you,” Jason insists irritably. You can tell both of them are still processing everything, so you try not to take his reaction to heart. 

“What good would that have done?” you ask. “So we’d all get captured and experimented on? No,” you shake your head, “I don’t think so.”

“But you’re injured,” Roy says like it explains everything. “You should’ve told us, at the very least, so we could keep an eye on you.”

“You really shouldn’t be out in public with this threat looming without us, especially not while you’re still recovering,” Jason agrees.

“Excuse me?” You can hardly believe what you’re hearing. “In case you’re both forgetting, I didn’t need your help.” You think back to your issue with them the other night and decide to bring it up. “And I don’t fucking need you guys to do the dirty work without me either,” you snap.

“We just don’t want to lose you again,” Roy cries out suddenly, urging you to understand their perspective. 

Regardless of all the facts, you’re still the love of their lives. You know they wouldn’t know what to do without you and you the same with them.

“It’s nothing to do with your abilities,” Jason adds sincerely.

“But it is,” you insist, “and you guys always say the same shit. How many times do I really need to prove myself before it gets through to your heads that I’m an asset, not a hindrance? You’re not doing me any favors by letting me tag along,” you say pointedly. “When are you guys going to realize that I’m doing this to put an end to what I started and that you two are just along for the ride.” You watch their faces for any tells, but both of them just appear to be taking in your words. Good, you need them to really fucking hear this. “You always tell me that I’m strong, but when are you guys actually going to realize that I am strong?” 

It’s quiet and you watch as they turn to each other, having a silent back and forth before finally turning back your way.

“You’re right,” Jason says as he joins the two of you on the bed. Your stomach flips, finally feeling heard. You’ve finally proven yourself. There’s zero doubt left in anyone’s mind of what you’re capable of after a stunt like this. “We love you a lot and it’s hard not to get possessive over you. We just want to keep you safe but it’s clear you don’t need us to protect you at all.”

“I’m sorry for hiding shit again,” you breathe. “This whole day was completely fucked on my part and it’ll fucking haunt me forever how I handled this shit.” It’s quiet for a moment as the three of you come to terms with the past six hours. You sigh, “Seems like we can have all the conversations we want about our contentions, but it’s putting in the actual work that’s the hardest part.”

Roy shuffles up against your side quickly. Regardless of everything, you know all he wants is to support you after everything you’ve just been through. “Of course it is, baby,” he murmurs as his hands trickle lightly up and down your arm. “We know it as much as anyone. I’m nowhere near perfect either and, as much as I love him, neither is Jay over there either.”

Though you feel his eyes on you, you can’t quite bring yourself to look over at him yet. It’s a complete cop-out. One that you know both of you are completely aware of, though it doesn’t stop you from avoiding his reaction any less.

“I’m just glad we’re all able to talk about it instead of those huge blow-ups like before,” you say, feeling vulnerable as you finally force yourself to meet Jason’s emerald gaze.

“Definitely on the right track,” Roy agrees with a gentle kiss to your forehead. 

The two of you both turn to Jason at the same time, who, in response, blushes and crosses his arms over his chest. He seems to catch the action and awkwardly uncrosses them, seemingly out of embarrassment. It’s really fucking cute. Instead of responding, he simply clears his throat. “You should rest,” Jason insists. “Whatever they poisoned you with will still probably working its way out of your system for another few hours.” 

With the info from Poison Ivy and the Cadmus scientist, coupled with your visions and the now-placed microwave emitter, you attempt to piece together the puzzle, but you’re still missing big chunks of the bigger scheme. 

Was Dr. Crane the other benefactor Grandmaster had been referring to in the meeting? What did the subway systems have to do with anything? And, what were the trials in the lab reports you’d found referencing?

There are still so many unanswered questions and time is clearly running out. April 1st is less than a week away, which barely leaves you enough time to prepare for a formidable attack that keeps looming closer and closer. With such doom eminent, you know you have to get as ahead of The Court as you can before April materializes.

After they’ve gone to sleep you get a text. 

Possible Spam: Balcony 

Without a word, you tiredly slip away from your sleeping lovers in hopes of answers. 

A/N: next chap, the puzzle finally comes together. chap 12 is the boss battle where everything changes AGAIN rip lmao and chap 13 is a wrap-up / an epilogue of sort

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[liasadventuretime]

˗ˏˋyou jealous ? :) ´ˎ˗ - neteyam x reader pt. 6

⁀➷  part six : SHOW ME.

notes : how could i not publish a chapter on st valentine’s day ! here’s pt. 6, and let me know if y’all like it ! i decided to confuse y’all a bit, so just go look at how things went ;)

words : 5,24 k

tags : neteyam x reader x ao’nung, teasing, mentions of rape but nothing actually happening, words of comfort, alluding to smut in next part.

you woke up, lazily opening your eyes. neteyam holding you with his head on your chest, his arms tangled with your waist, the same way his legs were tangled with yours. you looked at him, asleep, his mouth slightly parted.

if his friends could see the way he was tangled to you like you were his moma, they would probably make fun of him for eternity. but at the same time, he was that comfortable that he could do whatever he wants with you without being ashamed.

he’s always been the biggest brother, he had to comfort and to guide others, and take care of everything, but who was there for him ? who could comfort him and guide him ?

the responsibilities sometimes weighted too much, making him break down.

but since you two started going to the beach, to smoke and talk, get everything off your mind, his life has progressed a lot. he always looked for you everywhere.

you’re the star he looks for every night.

you were there to be that motherly person he never had in his life. neytiri was a very good mother, but she sometimes didn’t realise how many responsibilities she laid on him. sometimes even pressuring him. but you didn’t pressure him into anything. you were just there to comfort him, do what he wanted to do, without feeling guilt or shame.

you loved the way he let you see that side of him. so fragile, so pure.

neteyam is a child in an adult’s body. because all of the things he’s been through, he’s grown up to be a tall child. you didn’t even realise that in the meanwhile, you shed a tear. everyone was so hard on him, even you. you made his life hell, like it wasn’t enough. you didn’t even think for a moment about the fact that he had to leave his home, the forest, and come here, where the people are different, where everyone judged him for not being metkayina.

you were shaken by him waking up. he hugged your torso, and still laid his head on your chest. you gently caressed his hair, laying a kiss on his head. you felt his lips curl on your skin. please, please, please don’t ever take neteyam away from me.

“neteyam” you said in a low tone.

“mh ?” he hummed back.

“we have to get up” he sighed, raising his head. you could see he was still tired, but at least if you two got up now, you could have breakfast and spend a bit of time together before parting ways. he had to train, and you had to talk to jake. you two are supposed to help ao’nung’s father with something you genuinely had no idea of. he lazily got up, giving you a hand. you looked at him for a sec, and he immediately understood what you wanted. he sighed once again, lifting you up, you hugged him. one hand on your ass, of course, and the other on your back. you circled his neck with your arms, laying a soft kiss on his neck.

he walked to the kitchen, plopping you down on the table once again. “can you go get the food from your parents’ pod ?” you said trying to convince him.

“oh c’mon ! my mom will skin me. at least go with me.” he said dragging you to the living room to get dressed. you huffed.

“ok fine !” he left a kiss on your cheek, putting a his cloth on. you picked out a top from your wardrobe, it was a shiny one with shells attached to it. it was definitely the prettiest one you had.

you felt neteyam behind you, unlatching it. you were super confused.

“no, ‘teyam we don’t have time-” you hurriedly said, eyebrows pinched in an angry expression. what sick idea was it to fuck before going to his parents’ pod ?

“if you think i’m letting you go to my dad’s pod in that tiny shiny top after i heard what you said last night about him, you have gone absolutely nuts.” he said, killing every protest of yours. he was seriously jealous of his dad ? you laughed, but also you couldn’t stop thinking about how much you loved him. this man was hilarious.

you put another top on, it was green, leafs covering it. he gave you an approving look which made you smile. you slowly walked out of your pod, enjoying every second you guys could have before starting the day.

“dad ? mom ?” neteyam asked, getting in his pod. you walked right behind him, noticing lo’ak and kiri eating on the table. “they’re not here…” kiri said with a questioning tone, eyeing the both of you. well, especially you.

she gave you that ‘you’re telling me everything later’ look, which you only smiled to. it’s not like you had any other option. lo’ak was even more confused than her, eyeing you both.

you sat down, keeping your distance from neteyam, since you still didn’t feel a hundred percent comfortable showing affection public. he noticed, sliding right beside you, a betting expression on his face, something that didn’t go unnoticed by the two guys that were in front of you. you coughed, trying to signal him to not get so close.

they both noticed the tension between y'all, so kiri decided to just tell y'all.

“so um…” she said, catching your attention, neteyam looking at her. she definitely noticed.

“… tuk has kind of already told us everything” kiri finished almost like it was a question more than an affirmation, she told them everything this morning when her and lo’ak couldn’t help but notice that the two of you were missing. you felt heat spread in your cheeks, not daring to make eye contact with lo’ak. just the thought of TUK knowing everything embarrassed you so much, you covered your face with your hands and deeply sighed. on the other hand, neteyam almost felt relived, his ears going up. he didn’t have to be the one to tell everything, and he also didn’t have to pressure you.

“oh, thank god.” he said, pulling you to sit on his lap, hand on your stomach, back pressed on his chest. “neteyam, have some fucking shame.” you said screaming, looking at him with an angry expression on your face, a confused expression on his.

“don’t you fucking scream at me, they know ! stop stressing, what the fuck.” he replied back, you could feel his legs tense under you. his eyebrows pinched together, mouth full of food.

“ugh, at least try and be ashamed ! and close your fucking mouth !” you screamed, forcing your hands on his jaw in an attempt at closing his mouth. he placed his bowl on the table, catching your hands holding them. “keep your goddamn hands off my face, you dirty slag !” he said, offended. kiri and lo’ak laughed at the scene, recognising that the two of you didn’t change one bit.

“and what the fuck are you laughing at ? lo’ak don’t think i’m not going to beat your ass later.” neteyam said dealing with them, lo’ak’s grin immediately dropping, your cheeks super red.

“NETEYAM !” you said, kiri widening her eyes even more, jaw falling. she looked at you, realising you told her nothing about it. “BRO I SWEAR IT WASN’T LIKE THAT !” lo’ak defended himself. you all laughed, easing the mood.

you slowly tried to get off neteyam’s lap, while he talked with lo’ak and kiri about something you weren’t listening to. you heard him stop talking, and realised he was side eyeing you.

he grabbed your thighs and replaced them on his lap. “stop moving, they already know we fucked and i took your virginity , don’t worry.” he chuckled and laughed. kiri gasped, but lo’ak laughed too.

in that moment, you felt a vein in your heart hurting. you felt naked, in front of all of them, getting thrown in the air like you were a piece of meat. such a special and important moment for you, getting talked about like you were one of his whores. neteyam didn’t notice at the beginning, but kiri did. she looked at you, almost asking sorry. but why would she apologise, it’s not her fault. you felt tears getting crowded in your eyes, and now you weren’t comfortable with neteyam’s hands all over your body. you felt stared at, even though kiri was the only person looking at you, caring about you. you regretted everything. the talks, the kisses, the sex, the love, the feelings.

in that exact moment, you wish you never met him. you thought he was different, you thought he could be better, but he is just the exact same. you felt dizzy, something heavily thumping in your head. kiri noticed your absent gaze, neteyam didn’t. how much did he really care about you ?

he found himself asking that question pretty often. since the dawn of time, you were only kind of a bet to him. something to win, a prize. without the sugarcoating, he saw you as an object. a very beautiful attractive shiny object, but still. he didn’t want to see you that way, but he just couldn’t. things obviously changed a bit, but your perception of his feelings towards you didn’t.

the way he was holding you inner thigh, the way his hand was grasping your shoulder, didn’t feel attractive anymore. it felt almost… molesting. kind of rapey too. you felt unsafe.

yes, between neteyam’s arms you felt unsafe. something that never occurred with ao’nung. you felt spikes chocking you, a heavy weight in your stomach, and you couldn’t manage to keep your tears to yourself.

did you make the right choice ?

a tear slipped from your eyes, and kiri noticed. you were literally trembling between neteyam's arms and he couldn't care or notice. you aggressively wiped it away, excusing yourself to get out of the pod. you needed some air. you couldn’t even breathe anymore, and you remembered neteyam’s hands. chocking you. no, let’s use the right words.

he was strangling you.

and you felt like a slut, because of how much you liked it, not realising you probably interpreted his actions wrongly. maybe he just wanted to abuse you, and you couldn’t even notice it because your brain and eyes were fogged with pleasure. your brain and eyes were fogged by him.

“excuse me.” you said, in the lowest tone possible. you got up, not being able to ignore the way neteyam’s eyes and fingers lingered on you, feeling like they were raping you. he didn’t even notice, and smirked at you. you felt almost like throwing up. kiri couldn’t hold back anymore, and as soon as you got out of the pod, she followed you.

you felt the fresh salty air get in your lungs, healing you, getting all the fog out of your brain. you couldn’t hold your tears back anymore, you weren’t even sobbing. just quiet tears scarring your face. those type of scars that never fade away.

you called your ilu, Dah’lia, and got on her back, your legs and feet now wet, feeling the ocean hug you more delicately than neteyam ever could. your ears sprung up, hearing kiri’s voice call you. you watched her as she got on her ilu’s back too. “( y/n ) ! wait !”

she was right beside you, wind blowing on your faces, bubbles tickling your feet, waves getting more and more big. “is everything okay ?” kiri spat out while trying to catch her breath.

you watched her as she brought a hand to your chest, while you decided what to say.

should you lie, say you’re fine, get back in your pod, and get meaninglessly fucked by your so called future mate, hoping every second he would not see the scared lonely shadow in your eyes, and hoping it would end as soon as possible, to able to just go to sleep, where neteyam couldn’t hover over you. the kid you were so in love with, would’ve never done such things, but still here we are. had you outgrown eachother ? was it a miscommunication type of thing ?

were you wrong for thinking about it that, or were you possibly overthinking again ?

should you say the truth ?

“i don’t know.” you calmly said to her, which wasn't entirely a lie, your voice hiding years of self doubt and hope. but hope saved no one, not even your secret hopeless romantic soul.

kiri sighed, her hand placed between your elbow and your shoulder, caressing it. it felt very different to neteyam’s touch, that once felt so protecting but now only felt dirty and disgusting.

“it’s just…” you sighed, gaze low, staring at the bottom of the ocean, so clear and so calm. you tried to collect your words, and explain everything to her. because she was the last person you wanted to disappoint by lying or even just lightly sugarcoating anything.

“… he said it, in that monotone, cold and materialistic way… that i almost felt like an object.” you finally said, a sob threatening to escape. spikes getting more and more heavy in your throat.

“oh, dear ( y/n ).” she said, hugging you. you grasped on her like your life depended on it, lowering your head on her shoulders, letting a few other tears escape. you could feel her heartbeat against your chest, calm and low. the heat of her hug, comforting you.

you let your thought and flaws flow inside of her, feeling all the negative energy get out of your system. you recollected yourself, and brushed every tear out of your face. you rapidly smiled at her, now having to go to jake and tonowari’s reunion.

“thank you.” you simply said. she smiled at you, kissing you on the cheek, still realising that neteyam could have never kissed you that delicately.

she brought her hand up, her ilu starting to go away as she said goodbye to you. you heard neteyam and lo’ak getting out of the pod, so you rapidly went away. neteyam noticed you, his smile slowly dropping finally realising that something could possibly be wrong.

★・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・★

jake saw you walking towards him, his arms opening to embrace you in a hug. he noticed your low mood, which he hates to admit has been your default these days. he didn’t want to be self-absorbed but he feared it was neteyam. you walked towards him, letting yourself melt in the hug, your head against his chest, his arms caressing your head. you felt tears prickle your eyes, but it was enough for today.

enough crying. you hugged him tighter, and he felt his heart squeeze in his chest. you felt your heart throb, and you couldn’t do anything but frown, tears threatening to fall. in this moment, you were so embarrassed about the way you talked about him that night with neteyam. you felt shame, almost like you were naked and everyone was watching you, once again.

you felt exposed, but who’s fault was it ? you were the one that exposed yourself.

you sniffed, catching his attention, him closely leaning to look at you in the eyes. you sniffed a couple more times, feeling your cheeks wet, and took a deep breath. jake looked at you with a sad tingle in his eyes. he was so wrong. he was so so wrong. but now you were knuckle deep.

he knew that even if you tried to leave neteyam, you would’ve had to kill him to actually be able to continue living your life. he was never going to leave you alone. as much as he loved you, he loved you in the wrong way. jake and neytiri recognised that, and they were not only scared for him but also his future mate.

neteyam couldn’t realise it, he was too deep in his fantasies, in his little sick world.

and unfortunately, you were absorbed in that world too.

the only way you could modify an already dried vase, is by breaking it.

you sucked in a deep breath, and smiled at him, tears still glossing your puffy eyes. he sadly smiled at you, trying to at least be your support for today.

you always thought neteyam was that father figure you needed in your life, not knowing you had the most perfect dad right in front of your eyes. maybe that’s why.

neteyam was jealous, jealous because jake treated you the way he should’ve been treated.

“why not me ?”

maybe he was overly protective and overly jealous of others, because he was scared you could find someone better. he knew there was someone better. just waiting for you to leave him, and embrace you in his arms, giving you the world and more.

he would rather see you unhappy with him, rather than happy with someones else.

because that was the last prove. he was not enough.

for you, for his dad, for lo’ak, for neytiri, for no one.

“atta girl.” he said, positioning his hand on your shoulder, comforting you.

“i love you, dad.” you slowly whispered. eyes looking up at him, you not knowing that he felt the same exact spiked in his throat, that you were feeling a bit of time ago.

“i love you too, daughter.” he said, giving you a light smile. he brought you next to him, hip to hip and walking towards tonowari’s pod. you enjoyed everything.

every breeze of wind, every ray of sun, because you never knew when it was going to be the last time, and if you only knew that that was the last time. jake got in, holding the flap for you, you entered. tonowari was seated in the centre, ao’nung next to him.

he was as shocked as you, not expecting you to be here. his eyes flashed open, his heart squeezing in his chest. he couldn’t breathe for a second, goosebumps flowing to his back.

same thing happened to you, trying hold the eye contact. god, how you missed him.

he immediately lowered his gaze, frowning towards nothing.

did it make you sad ? yes.

was it all your fault ? yes

you got out of your thoughts thanks to jake, who sat down, patting the place right next to him. ao’nung couldn’t even pretend that jake’s gesture didn’t remind him of what he did that night. of how you humiliated him. the way you ran in neteyam’s arms after everything.

tonowari looked at his son, his features softening as he saw ao’nung’s expression. he drifted his hand slowly on his back, patting it. it was going to be hard but he had to.

“so, were where we ?” tonowari said.

“oh yes, ao’nung’s mating ceremony.”

you were a hundred percent sure they heard your heart falling, because there was no fucking way. your head tilted upwards immediately, lips slightly parted, throat heavy . ao’nung’s squeezing his eyes as much as he could, just like jake.

“fuck.” was all he could think of, like things weren’t already as difficult as they could be for you. he noticed, the way your head tilted upwards, tears pooling in your eyes.

if he knew what the reunion was going to be about, he would’ve never brought you there with him. his heart thudding fast, his muscles tensing. ao’nung didn’t even think you were going to be there, tonowari knew a little to nothing about what happened between you two.

but he rapidly understood, it was much serious than he thought.

you swallowed the heavy lump in your throat. closed your eyes for a second and breathed, just like jake taught you.

“with who ?” you asked. a gasp almost leaving jake’s mouth, looking at you with a confused expression. how far did you want to go ? ao’nung looked up at you, lips parting to answer you, but he couldn’t. he physically couldn’t.

he was feeling sick to his stomach, having to pretend for the rest of his life that that woman was you. but she could never. she could never be as witty.

she could never be as caring.

she could never be as lovely.

she could never be as mean.

she could never be as evil.

she could never be as selfish.

she could never be you, end of discussion.

“Alyara.” tonowari said, softly smiling at you, which to be honest only made things worse.

you slowly nodded your head, lips pressed together.

the reunion continued, but without you. you were too lost in your own thoughts. you had lost him. at least this alyara could make him happier than you ever could. you had nothing to worry about. you suddenly felt your chest almost floating, like you were relieved. you felt… calm ?

“hey, ( y/n ), ao’nung.” you both raised your heads, recognising tonowari’s voice, ears standing up. “why don’t you go take a walk ?” he said, in a soothing voice, a smile plastering his face. ugh.

you eyed ao’nung, you didn’t mind if he didn’t mind. maybe walking a bit could give you some time alone. his gaze lifted, locking in with yours. your heart skipped a bit.

“that’s fine.” you said, getting up waiting for him. if he didn’t want to, this would’ve officially been the most embarrassing moment of your life. he got up too, looking at his dad, well more like killing him with his eyes. you let out a breath you didn’t realise you were holding and got out, the sound of the waves immediately kissing your ears. you closed your eyes and breathed in.

you could never get tired of it.

you saw ao’nung getting out of the pod too, you looked back at him and smiled. you actually forgot how pretty this man could be. he was much taller than you, and also much more bulked than neteyam. he had more of a lean long look, while ao’nung was a bit more toned. the shoulders to waist ratio made you literally go crazy. there was nothing that could be more attractive. his v-line soft, but his cloth a bit more down than usual.

his thighs. they were pretty big, something that neteyam didn’t have. you couldn’t stop thinking about how much different it would’ve felt to ride his thigh instead of your mate’s, feeling arousal pool between your legs. ao’nung noticed. and tried to not care as much he wanted to.

your eyes wandering all over his body. if only he knew that in the exact moment that neteyam said he noticed you watching his thighs, you actually liked ao’nung’s thighs a lot more.

“would you like to go for a swim instead ?” ao’nung asked, smiling at you. he hesitated a lot before asking you, but he thought you’re already in deep deep shit, why not swim in it ? swimming together didn’t have to necessarily mean you two were going to fall back in love, well maybe you didn’t even love him in the first place. but who cares ? everything has been done already.

you met his gaze, his smile warming your stomach. you smiled back at him. “yeah, sure.”

he grabbed your hand, goosebumps rising all over your body. you felt the same dizziness as the first time you ever smoked, head thumping loudly. you two swished around all the pods, ao’nung laughing, the only thing connecting you was your locked hands.

even when you had already grown up and lived a million moments, that one with ao’nung for some reason, had a special place in your heart. the simpleness, the genuinity, the tension.

all of those factors, made the moment even more special than it probably was.

you two suddenly stopped, reaching your favorite spot to swim. you could feel the breeze caressing your skin, the sun kissing your cheeks.

you two looked at each other, and ao’nung started counting with his hands to three. a second after, the cold water was hugging your body. there’s nothing that you loved more than a breakfast swim, when the water’s extremely cold and you can feel it everywhere.

neteyam didn’t even try to know it, but ao’nung didn’t have to. he noticed.

he noticed your love for books, tobacco, poems, the moon, the stars, shells especially those shimmery silver ones, green, the ocean, and strawberries. he saw everything.

neteyam loved you, but one day you would unfortunately have to die. ao’nung loved your soul, something that could’ve never died, that would live different lifes and discover new things. if you died, he would be jealous of the earth that could hug your body, and of the new person your soul would be inside.

you especially loved this spot because of how well you could see the life of it. all the beatiful creatures lurking in their own special place, the way the soft sand could hug your feet when you could go that deep down, the way the water was so clear.

and this was his favorite spot, because he could always see your smile here.

he submerged, catching his breath, a few braids framing his face. a few drops ran across his face to his chin, where they dropped and went back to the sea. you still had a bit of difficulty swimming well, and holding your breath. when ao’nung noticed you struggling he dipped back in, swimming right in front of you. you felt him latch his arms circling his waist and ass, bringing you up.

you hurriedly breathed, catching your breath, you arms circling his shoulder and head, your stomach against his chest. he breathed out, looking at you. he was mesmerising, to say the least.

you couldn’t ignore the way his strong arms where holding you with no difficulty, he made you feel so tiny and delicate, almost like you could break at any given time. you couldn’t even ignore the way his arms were against your ass, holding it tightly. if neteyam saw the two of you right now, the world would have probably already ended.

you had your hands on his shoulders, supporting yourself. still breathing heavily, but not because of the water. because of him. the way his eyes tingled when looking at you, your stomach flipping at the thought of you clearing that sparkle in his eyes. you hand cupped his cheek, making his stomach flip this time. he could feel his heart beating so so fast.

he slowly slid you down, your legs hugging his abdomen, your core now against his stomach. the most subtle movement of his would immediately make you moan, without any shame. your puffy bud pressed against his muscly core, could make you see stars. a twinkle in your eyes.

your hands travelled from the top of his shoulders, to his side, a bit more upward his waist. you travelled your hands along the lines that his ribcage left on his skin. him being overly sensitive because of every move you make. your finger slowly traced the lines of his abs, he whined, his core flexing, it being his most sensitive spot. your mouth slightly parting at the realisation. his cheeks flushed, as pink as they could get.

he thanked god your pussy wasn’t against his waist, or you could’ve felt the tent his dick was making in his cloth. it twitching desperately at every touch of yours. he could feel his precum leaking, marking his cloth. he rolled his eyes, sighing.

your hand trailed from his core to his v-line. he held his breath. your finger slowly tracing the lines that formed it. your finger slowly entered his cloth, his eyes now quite wide, mouth parted. you slightly pulled the string, then leaving it making it snap against his waist. he closed his eyes for a second, you could feel him holding you even more aggressively now.

you raised your head smiling at him, he looked at you tears lightly bubbling his eyes from the teasing. “girl i’m so in love with you.” if he could only have the courage to actually say it to you.

“please, give in.” he whispered , looking through at you through his lashes. his dick was begging to get the minimum amount to stimulation, it being left completely untouched because his hands where too busy holding you. he felt it twitch uncontrollably, he was too deep in now to stop.

you blinked a few times, not realising what he just said. you used to have to beg neteyam to get that type of words to come out of his mouth. he always felt the need to make you feel like you need him, but it was sometimes nice to feel needed.

and if he wasn’t the one to need you, then why give any ounce of your time to him ?

nobody needed more attention from you than ao’nung at the moment.

“why are you with him ? why not me ? what does he have that i don’t ?” he slowly said, a tear crossing his eyes. your heart squeezed, your palm wiping the tear away. he cuddled his head in your hand. “please.” he said.

“please give me a chance to give you what you deserve.” he pleaded and begged.

every second that passed, was torture for him. but he didn’t want to act like him.

he didn’t want to make you notice his erection, make you uncomfortable or even try to allude to anything. he was better. he wanted to treat you the way you deserved to be treated.

“aren’t you tired ?” he pinched his eyebrows, an offended look on his face. your face was sided to the left, not having the courage to look at him. he noticed, and grabbed your jaw.

at the feeling of his fingers on your jaw, you closed your eyes. but it wasn’t rough. it was the opposite. so gentle, you couldn’t believe it. he dragged your face back to him, his calloused big fingers lightly pressing on your cheeks. he saw the way you got scared at his gesture, and mentally promised himself to not let neteyam lay a hand on you ever again.

“aren’t you tired of being treated like a whore ?” he asked, your cheeks flushing at his vulgarity. your panties were soaking wet, he strangely didn’t feel anything. heat pooling between your legs, but you couldn’t squeeze your thighs together since they were wrapped around him.

“don’t you think you deserve better ? why don’t you let anyone treat you like you should ? i don’t get it.” he said. you had no idea of where this was going , but you were definitely not going to get back now.

“don’t you want to see how you could feel about being treated the way you should ?

why don’t you let me give you a chance at being happy ?”

“show me.”

★・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・★

final notes : so... yeah ! this is kind of it for today ! hope y'all enjoyed, and PAH-LEASE let me know what y'all think in the comments and what y'all want to see in the next chapter's smut ;)

tags : @xoxobabe @marcswife21 @rubyworld96 @klarolinefanatic @giftfromthemoon @k4tsukiis @rainehatepage @neteyamsbbgfr @miapanticc @iixyia-deactivated20230123 @astasblacksword @ghoulfac3 @buttercake2234 @mashiromochi @avatarslut0 @chanyeolsbeloved @regulus-black-223048 @isabelcor3 @grierpilots @neteyamsmate4life @beyoenisbalfart @severenswife @lady-in-gold @luvagirlsworld @bealone-prm @hafutoru@jyoungmom @soxfix @thatgoodvibescloud @aalyara @abbersreads @neteyamsw @strawberryys-stuff @ilovestargirl @meivap @neteyamsullyswifee @erenjaegerwifee @slutforavatar @athenachu @ghostjoohoney @tsamiaxo @arminsgfloll @hirokosoul @strawberryclouds22@girlkissersco@spoonlord7 @fromthedeskofjoii @loverwonie @chrys018 @rea-zxv @taleiak @shartnart1 @lilprettypetite @dakotali @moeb11us @momfucker-nyct @irisskies @reialuvb @ilikeblue-aliens

[slafastri28]

Connor Bedard - Welcome Home

As you waited in the living room of your boyfriend’s house sitting with his mom you were filled with excitement watching the car pull into the driveway you were overflowing with joy. Your boyfriend had been traveling everywhere, after all, he was the top NHL prospect for the upcoming draft. You had been there for him throughout his junior career and were ready to go with him to where his career took him. You heard the front door open and heard bags drop to the floor. You and his mom both stood up to meet him at the front door. 

“You’re home,” she exclaimed pulling her son in for a hug. You stood a distance behind her, as she pressed a kiss on his cheek. He looked up at you embarrassed, leaving you giggling.

“Yup missed you too Mom,” he said trying to push her away. 

“Hey Y/N,”

“Hey, Mr. B,” it was nice his Dad came back from Vancouver to pick him up from the airport to bring him back to Regina. Finally, after escaping his mom’s grip he made his way to you. 

“I missed you, like a lot,” he said hugging you. 

“I know you did, I missed you too Connor,” you smiled. You rested your head on his shoulder as he pulled you tighter. 

“Like so much,” he let you go, “cmon let’s go upstairs,”

“I’ll help you unpack,” you winked at his parents sitting in the living room. They both nodded knowing that Connor would never unpack without motivation. The two of you carried his things upstairs after unpacking his pads in the garage. He dropped his bags on the floor and flopped on his bed letting out a large sigh. You shut the door behind you and saw Connor laying down. 

“Connor,”

“What.” He sighed again.

“What’s wrong,”

“Nothing let’s just unpack,” he sat up and kneeled beside you as you opened the suitcase. 

“Okay now I know something is up, I’ll unpack you lay down, and talk,” you said taking out his folded clothes and putting his laundry in the basket in the room. He lay there silent as you quickly unpacked his clothes. You finished and sat down on the bed next to him, lifting his head and resting it in your lap. 

“Y/N it’s really nothing I’m just tired,” he frowned.

“Con, you know you can tell me anything, please tell me what’s wrong,” you said playing with his hair. You gazed into his eyes as he slowly blinked, his frown turned into a straight face as he sat up.

“This whole thing is just a lot you know? I’m THE Connor Bedard it’s a lot of pressure, I love hockey Y/N it’s my life, and I spend all of my time training and working at it, and no one gets to see I’m just a person, even if I have done this to myself.” 

“It’s not your fault you like working hard Connor, you are so amazing I don’t know how you do it, I could never focus that much on one thing without getting sick of it, I’m so proud of you Connor.” You smiled pulling him in for another hug.

“Thank you Y/N,” he kissed your cheek. You could feel yourself blushing. Connor stood up and fiddled through his drawers, pulling out a muscle shirt and shorts. You hadn’t realized he was still in his traveling clothes, you didn’t care because you thought he looked good in anything and everything. 

“Getting more comfortable?” You asked him.

“I am home after all,” he opened the door of his room, “I’ll be right back, I gotta shower,” you nodded as he left the room. You fiddled on your phone through your social media seeing everything on your feed be Connor doing workouts or playing hockey. You kept scrolling until the door opened, but it was a sight you weren’t expecting. Connor walked in with wet hair, holding up the towel tied around his waist, digging into another drawer quickly, and pulling something out. You couldn’t help your jaw-dropping, it’s not like you hadn’t seen Connor without a shirt before but you weren’t expecting that tonight. 

“Forgot something,” he blushed smiling at you, “Y/N stop staring you’re freaking me out,” he said sarcastically with a smirk. Your eyes grew even wider, he left the room chuckling to himself, and within seconds he was back, pulling the muscle shirt over his head as he came in, ruffling his damp hair once he got it on. He sat on the bed next to you now fully dressed. You hugged his arm and rested your head on his shoulder, rubbing your hand along his bicep. You gave it a gentle little squeeze causing him to smirk at you once more, making it tighter.

“How did I know that’s what you wanted?” he grinned. You rolled your eyes at him,

“Lucky guess,”

“Oh yeah sure, you eyeballing me after the shower didn’t give it away at all,” he teased. 

“Shut up,” you shoved him, you let go of his arm.

“I don’t think I will,” he grinned. You scooted away from him on the bed crossing your arms as you rest your back on one of his pillows. 

“Hmph,” you pouted, he gave no response, you did it again sparking a reaction from him. 

“What?” he said rolling over onto his stomach, “you mad at me?”

“I might be… if only there was something that could make me not mad,” you played dumb. 

“Hmm, I wonder what I could do,” he matched your tone. You shrugged leaving him staring at you. 

“Any ideas,”

“This,” he pushed himself up moving closer to you, leaning in to meet your lips with his. You wrapped your arms around his neck rubbing it gently, you could feel the tension at ease as you deepened the kiss. You both opened your eyes signaling a breath of air. 

“I think I missed that the most,” you said kissing his forehead as his head fell into your stomach. He rolled over and sat back up,

“Me too, you know what I could use right now though,” he said with his back facing you.

“What, what does my baby need?” 

“One of my girl’s famous shoulder rubs,” he smirked knowing exactly what he was doing. You would never pass up an opportunity to rub Connor’s shoulders after a practice or game or training.

“At your service,” you placed a kiss on his cheek. You firmly massaged his shoulders as he began to talk. 

“This, this is the life right here, you, me, and relaxation,” he sighed.

“I wish it could be like this all the time,”

“Me too babe, me too,” he said looking back at you. You let go of his shoulders as he laid back on your chest.

“Love you, Connor,”

“Love you too Y/N,” he smiled. You leaned down and pressed a kiss to his lips once again before you two began talking about your long weeks.

[funnyjb]

So High School

…………………………………

(2014)

“Ugh.”- you

You go and shut your alarm off.

It’s 6:00am on a Friday fall morning in Athens. Tonight is the football game where I will be cheering at and of course cheering for Joe.

I get up and go into my bathroom to get ready. I do my skincare and blow out my hair. I exist my bathroom and open my closet doors to get my cheer uniform out. I put it on and head out of my room to go downstairs and get a quick thing to eat before I head to school.

“Hey Mama!”- you

“Good morning, sweetheart!”- your mom

“I got to go but I will take an apple on the way!”- you

“Y/n, just make sure to eat something for lunch. Don’t wang you running on an apple all day.”- your mom

“Will do, mama! Love ya!”- you

You closed the door behind you

———��————————————————————

(At school)

I walked into school juts a couple minutes before the bell rang so everyone was still walking around the halls or chatting with their friends near their lockers.

I walked to my locker to put away my Science notebook and my English homework. As I was putting my work away I saw Joe. My best friend since the third grade. He was putting stuff away in his locker. I walked over to him with a pep in my step.

“Hey!”- you

“Hey, y/n”- joe

I noticed something was off

“Is everything ok?”- you

“Yeah, it’s just I’m kind of nervous for the game later tonight. I just feel like there is a lot of pressure on my right now.”- joe

“Joe, you are going to be amazing out there like you always are. You’re an amazing quarterback and really good at making that ball go where it needs to. I wouldn’t worry so much about it, ok?”- you

“Thanks, y/n.”- joe

“Of course!”-you

“I got to get to class, see ya later?”- you

“Yep!”- joe

————————————————————————

(Game time)

“And welcome to Friday night football here in Athens! It’s a lovely evening and a lovely night to play some ball!”- announcer

The crowd was cheering and chanting. I was on the side lines cheering.

“G-O- B-U-L-L-D-O-G-S!”- you

“And here they are folks! Please welcome your very own Athens High School Football Team!” - announcer

The crowd roared

“Woooooo! Yeah, Joe!”- you

I put up my Pom Pom’s. Joe looked so cute in his uniform today. His bleach blond hair was just so cute.

I saw Joe walking over to me once he heard me call his name.

“Hey, y/n!”- joe

“Hey,Joe! You are going to do great out there! I believe in you QB!”- you

“Thanks, y/n, means a lot.”- joe

I winked and told him to get back out there.

————————————————————————

(After game)

I was standing outside near the concession stand where all the families and friends wait for the players. I was holding my cheerleading bag and talking to one of my friends who was talking about Zach who she has a crush on and is Joes best friend, but then I heard someone call my name.

“Y/n!”- Robin

I turned around to see who it’s was

“Robin!”- you

I went to go hug her. I knew Robin ever since I was six years old so she was like a second mom to me.

“Hey, sweetheart! You looked so pretty out there and those flips were flawless.”- robin

“Aww thank you, Robin! Where’s the rest of the family?”- you

“Oh, they are waiting in the car. They can’t wait for to long when they are tired, you know.”- robin

I laughed

“Yes, I do, but Joe should be out in a few.”- you

“Ok, good! Well I’m going to keep the boys company, but once you see Joe will you tell him we are in ten car waiting?”- robin

“Of course!”- you

“Thank you, sweetie! I’m so proud of you and I will see you tomorrow, love you.” - robin hugged you

“Thank you! Love you too!”- you

Robin walked away and to the car.

It was only a couple minutes later when the boys came out. Joe was wearing his green leather man jacket and his sweatpants white his bag on his shoulders.

“Hey, winner!”- you

Joe laughed

“Hey!”- joe

“That was a great game, you should be proud of yourself.”- you

“Thanks, y/n! You did great out there too!”- joe

“Thanks!”- you

“Hey, where are you my parents?”- joe asked looking around

“Oh, they told me to tell you that you need to meet them at your car.”- you

“Ok, good, because I want to show you something.”- joe took your hand

“Oh, um ok.”- you

He lead me to under the bleacher which were a few feet away and nobody could really see us.

“I just wanted to tell you this.”- joe

He put his hands on your cheeks and pulled me in for a kiss.

I was shocked! Joe burrow, my best friend ,was kissing me!

I grabbed his arms and leaned more in. After a few minutes he pulled away.

“Been meaning to do that all my life”.- joe

“Oh,really!- you smiled

“I love you y/n and not just as a best friend way. You make me so happy and you are the only one that helps me through the tough times. I want you y/n. I want you to be mine.”- joe

“Then I’m yours.”- you smiled

“Really?!”- joe

“Yeah!”- you

He leaned in for a more passionate kiss this time.

“I love you too, Joe.”- you

————————————————————————-

[skelexguts]

HEY. YOU,, WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR ME RAMBLING ABOUT MY COMFORT/FAVORITE CHARACTERS FOR A MOMENT,, ILL TAKE IT AS A YES!!!

Bubba is such a good potential character in writing, honestly he’s like a “that one friend/dad friend who gives wise advice” vibes, I’ve this headcanon that bubba definitely a gifted kid that experience burnout from being pressured onto himself on unrealistic expectations and has a fear that he’ll be a failure.

Add more to this; Bubba probably experienced this due to stress and so much pressure onto himself and don’t want to be a failure to his friends not to mention that he’s a person pleaser which already causes him to not take care of himself.

Yet people overlook him as “ Mr-knows-it-all” like just let him educate his friends, as I headcanon that he has trouble with his emotions cause of bottling up his feelings because he doesn’t want his friends to see that he’s such a mess on the inside.

Adding more bc yes; the cause of bubba experience mental burnout is probably from his parents since in my headcanon that his parents put alot of pressure on him to try to help bubba to be becoming a doctor or a lawyer just like the rest of his family, which cause him to have unrealistic expectations onto himself and even when he did reach one of his goals, he felt like it’s not good enough and tries hard to the point, bubba gets tired both emotionally and physically.

But as it continues, with all the academic pressure and his high expectations get into his head, it causes him to ignore his well mentally being and not take care of himself such as his sleep and eating patterns and the lack of sleep, with this happening, his friends started to worrying about him especially Kickin, who sometimes help bubba getting out of his comfort zone by going out and hang out together just having fun also helping bubba to not overworked about his studies, but even with that, Bubba felt like he doesn’t have a purpose at the moment that cause more mental issues.

Another thing I’m going to add is Bubba has anxiety and bit of social issues due to gifted child syndrome as well as having insecurities about his intelligence and low self esteem also feeling emotionally numb inside as well as irritability and many more.

Last thing to finally finish to say; if the smiling critters was an actual cartoon, I imagine an episode that focuses on Bubba and how burn can affect on children especially those who are gifted, with bubba having a panic attack or even mental breakdown and let his emotions out in front of his friends, then the critters comfort him and tells them that he’s not a failure and tells and even educate him the importance of self care also told him that he need deserve a break as well give support and love in the end!!

It would be great concept for an episode to educate children or even everyone about burnout and gifted child syndrome and how to help and support them as well learning about mental health and how to improve in many different ways.

Well that’s it!! I hope y’all enjoy me rambling about bubba, he’s one of my favorite and comfort characters and I have to give him justice, he like a son to me fr!!!

[whentherewerebicycles]

ok some scattered thoughts from yesterday’s slightly harrowing experience:

when I am tired my own threshold for coping with stuff is so much lower. I can still deal (in the sense that I can do whatever needs to be done to get through the situation) but I think that I am so much likelier to feel emotionally defeated by a situation that normally would not really faze me. something is not right with my body right now and I hope to figure out what it is soon but until then I think I need to just give myself some extra grace and also know that the emotions I’m feeling are Real but also not necessarily accurate reflections of how things are going. yesterday I just had such intense feelings of I Am A Bad Parent I Cannot Do This Alone on the drive home. but like objectively nothing that happened was that bad or even out of the ordinary. he was really unhappy and needed a lot of soothing but it was also… fine? everyone was patient and loving with him. people stepped in at different moments so other people could take a break. he bravely rallied at dinner and we didn’t have to leave early. we came home and he slept well. it was all fine and it just felt like so much because I was so tired.

I have this intense need to be perceived as competent and unflappable, and for whatever reason I was feeling incredibly incompetent and frazzled yesterday which always makes me feel kind of insane. but then when liz called it was such a relief to be able to just not have my shit together at all and to be so loved and tended to anyway. blah blah this is like the core thing I am working on in therapy just like trying to be more comfortable letting the people I love see the mess. I think I feel some extra pressure sometimes because I am parenting solo and so I feel this need to prove to people that I am even more self-sufficient and capable and composed than the average parent which is nuts lol. of course I’m not. and other times I feel like I can’t have a meltdown because somebody has to be the self-assured grownup in this household and I don’t really see Pip stepping up to the challenge lol. but I can’t live like that I just gotta give myself space to fall apart sometimes on a hard day and trust that I will be able to pull myself back together. and I have to learn to be okay with letting other people see me when I don’t feel at all competent or capable. gotta ask for help and love when I need it 😭😭 I’m doing this on my own in a logistical sense but in an emotional sense: simply can’t do this on my own! need love need help need the people I love to give me big hugs sometimes.

I have some big messy feelings I’m still sorting through around my unvoiced desire for owen to always be mellow/chill in social situations. it’s not that I expect a baby to never be fussy! I totally get that fussy days are just part of the deal because babies are human and we all have hard days. but I think sometimes I have this kind of insanely intense primal fear that if people don’t love him as much as I do and then something happens to me he won’t have anyone. that is CRAZY because of course he will have people—he will have my family and my best friends who love him. but it’s kind of wild to me how intense that unconscious/semi-conscious fear is sometimes and how much it makes me feel like I NEED him to be the best version of himself so other people won’t find him difficult and will become as deeply invested in him as I am. phew!!! that’s a really intense thing to put on a kid and not really an ok thing to expect of anyone! I think I need to do some thinking/untangling about this because I want to be really careful to manage that fear and not let it be something he absorbs from me. but I also wonder if this feeling isn’t just a single parenting thing and perhaps has some deep deep roots in my own psyche sigh. I think one of the manifestations of deeply rooted shame is like… this sense that you are fundamentally unlovable and if you let people peel back the layers too far they will see the unlovable heart of you and understand that you are not to be loved and then they will go away and you will be forever alone. and to keep this from happening you must first ensure that no one gets close enough to see the unlovable core of you, and then you must also make yourself someone people don’t mind keeping around (by being self-sufficient and capable and competent and never asking for too much). but at the same time you must also be readying yourself to be cast out by making yourself self-sufficient and not getting used to depending on others so that when you are inevitably discovered and cast out you can survive being alone. WHAT a headfuck it is to live in that emotional state!!! and how much of my life have I spent in that place anyway!!!!! and I think I can see some of that in the way I feel about people loving my baby, I’m like well I can survive being unloved and alone if I have to because I have been preparing for this all my life but HE’S ONLY A BABY if he loses me he needs to have other people!!!! and then I start stressing that if he gets a reputation for being difficult or fussy other people won’t want to take care of him. which is just like. a perfect recipe for passing down the ol’ intergenerational trauma and shame. I gotta uhhhhhhhhhhh not do that. I have to trust that he will be loved even in his messy needy unhappy falling-apart moments. but to do that I have to trust that people CAN be loved in their messy needy unhappy falling-apart moments. myself included. that is the great task before me.

[talanashta]

Time Travel

For Day 16 of Sci-Fi September

Rating: M | CWs: Temporary Character Death, Semi-Graphic Depictions of Blood/Injury | Word Count: 508 | Pairings: Platonic Stobin

A/N: Putting this whole story behind a read-more because of its CWs. Don't want anyone seeing anything that might trigger them. It's not anything more graphic than you might see in a PG-13 movie, I think, but better safe than sorry.

Steve and Robin leaned against each other, sitting on the cold, hard tile of the lab room they’d managed to lock themselves in after being attacked. Both were bleeding profusely from the wounds on their arms and abdomens and legs, trying to apply pressure where they could, but it was pointless.

“We’re going to die in here, Steve,” Robin whispered to him as she removed her hand from his worst bite to see if the bleeding had slowed or stopped. It hadn’t.

“I know,” Steve replied, sadly. He removed his hands from her wounds to instead wrap around her in a tight hug.

She grabbed him back and confessed, “I’m glad it’s together. I don’t know what I would do if we died apart.” He could feel her breath against his neck as she spoke. “Is that bad of me to think?” she asked, voice cracking.

“No, Robs,” he reassured, rubbing her back as best he could through the cold numbness creeping up his arms. “I feel the same way.”

“I’m getting tired, Steve,” she said, crying softly. “I love you.”

He felt his eyes grow hot and tears begin to fall too. “I love you, too, Robs.”

“I hope we reincarnate as twins.” By now her voice had quieted to a slurred mumble, but he still heard her.

“Me too.” He felt her arms slowly grow slack around him and her breathing slow. She wasn’t gone yet, but she was almost there. His eyelids grew heavier and heavier, and he struggled to keep them open, so he didn’t fight it anymore. He nuzzled deeper into Robin’s hair and let himself go.

Only to gasp awake and shoot up in bed. That wasn’t a dream; it was too real. He still felt the warmth and weight of Robin in his arms. Was he dreaming now then? Was this his brain giving out one last sputter of consciousness before he died?

He took in his surroundings and found he was in his old bedroom in his parent’s house. It hadn’t looked like this since before… just Before. Before the Upside Down, before his life went topsy-turvy. Before Robin .

As much as he’d been certain that what happened wasn’t a dream, this sure didn’t feel like one either. Everything felt too detailed and real .

He climbed out of bed to go look for more information. When he was about halfway down the stairs, the phone began to ring. He picked up the pace to reach it before it went to the answering machine.

“Harrington residence,” he answered, wondering who-on-Earth it could be. If he wasn’t dreaming, it was the middle of the night. No one would call then unless it was an emergency.

“Dingus?” he heard Robin ask over the line, voice wet and thick.

“Robbie?” he asked, feeling himself ready to cry again. What was going on?

“You remember it too? I feel like I’m going crazy!” she cried out. “I woke up in my room at my parents’ house, and the wall calendar says it’s August of 1983! ”

[cjsarchive]

Can you do James or Sam comforting depressed Mika? I'm knew to the fanndom and love you're work so much

Thank you for the compliments and welcome to the fandom!:D For this fic, I decided to go with James since I’ve already written so much Sam and none for James yet. Hope you enjoy!

Tw: Depictions of depression

Pretender-James x Mika

It's been a while since I’ve left my room. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to get out of my head. I felt overwhelmed yet empty at the same time. So much was happening inside my body. I felt the feelings everywhere in my head and in my chest. It felt hard to breathe. I felt suffocated, to the point I didn’t want to do anything. I feel tired. Tired of living. Tired of existing. But the world never stops. It never slows down. The days will keep going by, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep going.

I don’t remember exactly when I started feeling like this. Maybe it was always there even when I never noticed it. There was never time to notice it since as young as I can remember, I had an image put on me. The constant expectations and pressure from my father, and my mother doing nothing but follow along with him. I’ve put on an act since I was little. Acted like the perfect child. Like everything was fine and perfect, because I thought it was. I was a child that didn’t know any better. All my thoughts were put in my head for me by other people. But deep down, there was always something in the chest that was trying to tell me something was wrong. But no matter how much I struggled or felt overwhelmed, everyone told me I was fine, so I told myself I was fine. There was no time to cry, or feel sorry for myself. I should be grateful because everything they did was for me and for my future. Or at least that’s what I was always told.

I didn’t have to worry about that stuff anymore, I didn’t live with my parents and James took over the company for me. Yet these feelings still stick with me even years later. I don’t let anyone know though. I carry a smile on my face and act like I’m perfectly fine, like I’m not slowly feeling emptier day by day. I’ll still go out for dinner dates with James and go out with friends whenever they invite me out, just so they don’t suspect anything is wrong with me. They shouldn’t have to worry or put their lives on hold for me. I love them all so much, especially James.

James was the person I loved most in the world, my soulmate, truly the perfect guy. I know that he especially will put his responsibilities aside to accommodate me, and I didn’t want him to do that. I didn’t want to be a burden to him when he had more important things to worry about. He’s so caring, sweet, and considerate. He’s an amazing guy, yet somehow he ended up with someone like me.

As I lay alone in bed now, looking out at the night sky through the window to my balcony, I realize that after all these years, I’m still putting on an act. I still portray the image that everything is fine and perfect when it’s far from it. I wanted so bad to leave that person behind. The person puts on an act to please people. I want to bury that person, because that person isn’t me. But as I’m laying here I think, maybe that person is me? I’m a completely different person when I’m alone. I’m a fake. A pretender. I have nothing of myself. I feel my chest tighten as tears start to fall from my eyes. All those years I never cried were catching up to me now as I buried myself in my bed and shivered as I cried. Everything was rushing at me at once. My head was screaming, my heart was hurting.

“Love, I’m home!” James called from the lobby. My instincts immediately told me to straighten up, wipe my tears and put on a smile. And I almost did exactly that, but instead, I started to cry harder realizing just how much pretending became second nature to me. I didn’t move from my position in bed even as I heard James come down the hall and open the door to the bedroom. “Love?” His voice was steady and a bit hesitant. I could tell he must have sensed my energy. Even a human could sense my energy at the state I’m in right now. After a bit, I felt the bed dip as James got into bed and laid next to me. “Love, what’s wrong?” His voice was quiet and gentle. I expected him to lay a hand on my shoulder, or try to cuddle against me, but instead he laid patiently next to me, waiting for my response. When a few minutes passed and I didn’t respond, he spoke again, “Mika, I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything. You are the most wonderful and important thing to me and I would happily do anything to support you in everything you’re going through. Even if you don’t wish to talk about it now, I’ll always be here for you. I love you so much.”

His words made my heart hurt more, he’s showing this much love to someone that can’t do anything but rot away in bed. My voice came out small and barely audible, “How can you be so sure?”

James paused, “Hm? What do you mean?” He asked wearily. I finally rolled over to face him, though I still couldn’t look him in the eye. He stiffened slightly at my appearance, it was very subtle and he recovered his gentle gaze very quickly, but I still caught it. My eyes were red and puffy, my face was wet from tears, and my lips were still quivering.

“How can you be sure you love me? I don’t even know who I am.” I felt the butterflies fluttering in my stomach from him being next to me. I love him so much, I need to be honest with him, even if It means I lose him once he finds out who he’s really dating. My chest hurt at the thought, but I couldn’t keep holding him back.

“My whole life, I’ve put on an act. Being the perfect person everyone expected of me. Always saying that everything was fine and my life was great because everything was laid out for me,” As said as my voice shaked from crying, “But as I grew up, I realized I was a sculpted person by my parents. Completely made in their image. When I finally moved out of their house and you took over the company for me, I thought, ‘This is a fresh start. I don’t have to put on an act anymore. I can finally just be myself. Show people who I actually am and not just be obsessed with other’s approval.’ I tried so hard to leave that part of me behind.” I finally look James in the eyes, seeing the deep sadness in his eyes at my words, “But I’m still that image. I’m a pretender. I continue to pretend I'm fine, but it’s all an act. I feel empty. Like a shell. And I’m so tired, James. I’m tired of never feeling like enough, I’m tired of pretending, I’m tired of living like this. You say you love me, but I don’t think the me you love even exists.” I felt my heart sink as I prepared to say my next words, “I love you so much. Which is why I say you deserve better, James. So much better than me.”

James softly laid a hand on my cheek wiping away my tears. “Thank you so much for telling me this, Mika. I have even more reason to love you now.” I was very evidently confused at his words. He softly chucked, “This is a part of you I’ve never seen before, and I want to experience every part of you. Even if I haven’t seen every part of you yet, I’ve still seen many. You’re kind, loving, intelligent. You’ve accepted my brothers and I into your home when you had no obligation to do so. You’ve become so honorable to me and you care for me more than anyone the five worlds ever could. You are the most enticing person I’ve ever met. You’re the person I want to spend my entire life with. I’m so unbelievably lucky to be able to call you mine.” He leaned him and touched his forehead to mine, “I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way, and I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you have to pretend with me. You don’t have to act like everything is alright with me, I want to see all of you as you are. I promise you, I will gladly do everything in my power to help you through this difficult time and put a genuine smile on your face. I love you, and I want to be with you forever. I will stay with you for as long as you’ll have me, I promise.”

I stared deep into his eyes, seeing the love and care he truly had for me. Even in this state. I showed him the deepest part of me, and he continued to lay beside me and stay with me, comforting me. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. I felt an overwhelming amount of love I haven’t felt before. I finally threw myself in Jame’s arms, burying my face in his chest as I continued to sob. He rubbed gentle circles on my back. “We’ll get through this, love.” He said, his voice barely above a whisper. How’d I get so lucky to love someone like James? As he held me in his arms, for the first time in a long time, in this moment, I genuinely felt like everything was going to be alright. Not right now, not tomorrow, maybe not for a while, but eventually.

[diazfightclub]

everything rots in the sun (i don't wanna be someone)

7x10 coda // pre-buddie, minor-bucktommy // T // 5.8k

i spent way too long on this, but it's finally done! my coda for the finale where i give eddie the breakdown i feel like he deserves!! here's the first ~1.6k words

Eddie watches Christopher leave and it feels like the world ends. 

It’s not the first time he’s had the thought; the world felt like it was ending when he was dying in Afghanistan, and then again as he watched Shannon die in the back of an ambulance with Chimney, and then again when he was sniped in broad daylight in the middle of a Los Angeles street.

His world ended in the moment Buck confessed to him, devastated and grief-stricken, that he had lost Christopher in the tsunami. The world restarted seven seconds later when Chris called out to him, safe.

Now, though, he watches Christopher leave of his own accord. He’s packed his own bag, called his own ride, made his own plans to leave Eddie behind, and Eddie’s world ends with the soft click of a door being shut.

The door closes, and Eddie is left alone with Buck. 

It starts in his fingers, the numbness. He’s distantly aware that his hands are still fisted by his side where he left them — he had wanted to reach for Chris as he left, but Chris wouldn’t have wanted that, so Eddie had stopped, kept his hands to himself, had held them tightly against his own body, hands clenched. 

He can’t feel them now. He tries to make a tighter fist, but the sting from his fingernails in his palms is gone. The whole of his limbs, from fingertips shoulders, toes to hips — everything is senseless, like his body has gone to sleep without his permission. 

The house is too quiet.

He’s not sure how he’s still standing, if he’s being honest. He can’t feel his legs, but he knows they're working, because he’s still upright, somehow. They’re not even shaking. 

He stands there, and Eddie — just… exists.

It’s a new kind of breakdown, not the fast-paced, red-hot impulsivity that used to overwhelm him and cause him to put his fists to whatever or whoever he could get his hands on. He doesn’t feel like yelling or breaking things, right now.

He doesn’t feel like doing much of anything at all. 

It’s like he collapses inwards. Everything slows down, like an old music box with a dying battery, the song slow and haunted and out of tune, the dancer moving stilted and janky before stuttering to a complete stop. 

The only thing he feels at all is Buck’s grounding hand on his shoulder. His thumb swipes a steady rhythm, back and forth, back and forth, and Eddie tries to focus on it, tries to breathe in sync with it, but he’s just so tired.

He doesn’t know how long they stand there staring at the door before he moves. It could be seconds, it could be hours, but his joints crack with the decades of aging he does in that time, the rust settled in deep. He turns to Buck, but he can’t lift his gaze from where he was staring at the door knob, so he ends up looking at Buck’s waist. The bottom button of his shirt is undone. 

“Thank you for being here,” he says, and it’s shocking his voice works at all considering the sizable lump in his throat, the space in his chest. He feels his own words echo inside of him. “I appreciate you, y’know, talking to him. Trying.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” Buck squeezes his shoulder. He can feel the pressure but none of the warmth from Buck’s hand. “Of course I would be here, I—I’m sorry I couldn’t help.”

“You did,” he says, and he thinks he means it. Because with Buck there, his parents were on their best behavior, didn’t roll their eyes or raise their voices. There were no snide remarks under their breath or backhanded statements meant to cut him down. 

No, Buck being there meant they smiled and tried to sound reasonable as they took his son away, like they were saving him from Eddie, rescuing him, protecting him. 

But maybe — maybe it’s worse, that way, the way they were acting calm and concerned, swooping in to finally collect what they wanted all along: a son to raise who wouldn’t fuck up as much as Eddie did. Christopher is their second chance at getting it right. 

Maybe if Buck hadn’t been there, they would’ve gotten nasty, and Eddie would’ve reacted more strongly, fought for Chris the way he wanted to. Maybe he could’ve changed Chris’ mind about leaving him behind. Maybe Chris could’ve been convinced to stay if he saw their true colors, if he saw how much Eddie would fight for him, if he saw how sorry he was, how much he wanted him to stay. 

Or maybe it would’ve driven an even bigger wedge between the two of them. Eddie would never know. 

“I did the right thing, right?” he asks, his voice barely above a whisper. 

He didn’t know how much he needed the reassurance until he felt Buck hesitate. “Eddie…”

“Did I?” He meets Buck’s eyes, then, sees his own pain and sorrow and grief reflected back at him. “Would you have done it? Would you have let your son live with your parents if he wanted to get away from you?” 

Buck doesn’t say anything for a long while. “I don’t know.”

“Buck.”

Buck sighs heavily, running a hand through his hair. “If I were you, and I had a kid, and my parents were my parents, the parents I grew up with… no, I wouldn't let them take him,” Buck admits like it pains him. Eddie’s face falls, and Buck frantically rushes to explain. “But Eddie, my parents were neglectful, and they never cared about me or Maddie. Even now, with Jee-Yun, it's all—all performative. They send Christmas cards and facetime once a month to check-in, but they haven’t changed, not really, they don’t really care about us. But yours—”

Eddie pulls out of his grip, steps back and away, out of his reach. 

“They seem to be trying,” Buck shrugs helplessly, and Eddie feels — cavernous. He takes another step until he’s practically in the kitchen, leaving Buck by the couch. 

“Okay,” he says.

“I know they hurt you, growing up, I’m not trying to minimize that, or dismiss it,” Buck says with his hands out, like Eddie is some animal he’s trying not to spook. “I just meant that — you listened to what Chris wanted, and he wanted to be with them. I think that, listening to him the way you did, that was the right thing to do, and, y’know, maybe it’s not the best place for him to be long-term, but right now it’s just for the summer. He’ll be safe there, with them.”

Buck probably doesn’t mean it, probably didn’t think it, but all Eddie can hear is the implied he wasn’t safe here with you. 

He didn’t think anything else could hurt him today, but Buck taking his parents' side does it. The words settle over the numbness of his skin, seeping in until he feels the ache in his bones. 

“Okay,” he says again, because — he agrees, Chris wasn’t safe here. Eddie hurt him by letting Kim in, by entertaining her at all. He should’ve left her alone and not gone back to that store. He should’ve talked to someone, Buck or Bobby or, hell, he should’ve gone to church, confessed to a priest, begged to be absolved of whatever had a hold on him, asked for guidance. 

“You did what you could,” Buck insists, but all Eddie knows is that his best wasn’t good enough. 

Eddie wasn’t good enough. Christopher left.

Maybe Buck is right. Maybe Christopher is better off with his parents because they’re better people than Eddie. He should listen to Buck — they’re doing their best. They go to church regularly. They try to make amends. They confess and they repent and they pray. 

Maybe that’s why they were acting so nice, so charitable. Maybe God told them to be, and He rewarded them by giving them what they wanted: Christopher. 

The idea strikes him like lightning. 

Eddie finds himself walking to his bedroom without a second thought. He finds Bobby’s prayer book where he left it on his nightstand. 

The black leather cover is cool to the touch, and he can feel it, numbness receding into a steady buzz, an undercurrent just beneath his skin. He runs his fingertips across the ridges in the leather and he can feel every one, regaining sensation in his hand with every pass. He holds it tight and it feels like a lifeline. He takes the first deep breath he’s taken in hours.

Buck watches him from where he’s stood in the doorway. “What are you doing?”

“This is how I’m going to get Christopher back.” Eddie holds the black book up. 

Buck’s brows are furrowed. “I… I’m not sure I follow.”

“I just have to be—” better, he almost says. Good. 

It’s obvious he’s being punished for something, and he owes it to Christopher to fix it. 

Because that’s what Christopher deserves, someone who tries to be good, to be holy and righteous the way his parents are. Eddie can’t remember the last time they went to church, knows that there had been one hard morning where Christopher hadn’t wanted to wake up and Eddie, frankly, didn’t want to sit through mass either, so he let them sleep in and miss it, and he told himself it would be just the one time, but then one week became three and then two months had gone by and they had settled into a new routine involving waffles and Buck and the Sunday crossword. 

But Christopher deserved better than that, as evidenced by the fact that his parents had him now. 

It isn't his fault, really, it's — cosmic. 

“I need to be a better person,” he says at last.

(continue reading on ao3)