#based on pure statistics when i was crazy fucking insane so like. i think that’s the strat.

[elytrafemme]

ok i need to be very kind to myself and acknowledge that i had a good day regardless of how it ended but i did find out that my other best friend (no.4) is asking someone out meaning nearly every person i know is either at that stage or in a relationship and i’m wondering at what point do i start ramping up my insanity in hopes of finding any kind of love

[theskywasblack]

This is going to be a selfish post

I’ve been alive for roughly 236,529 hours (give or take a few). The average male life expectance in the United States is 78. That means I have (roughly) 51 more years in my life, or 446,760 hours. If I get an average of 8 hours of sleep a night, that works out to 2,920 hours of sleep a year, which works out to 148,920 of sleep over the next 51 years. That means I actually have 297,840 hours left, or 12,410 days, or 34 years. That’s terrifying. Especially when you consider the fact that those last few years will probably be shit because of health reasons (assuming we don’t have some crazy innovations in medicine). 

We’re about to get deep here. Prepare yourself for some pseudo-philosophy. 

“What is the meaning of life?” is a question that I feel like a lot of people ask themselves at one point or another. I feel like I’ve come to realize what my answer to that question is. I can’t remember if I’ve talked about this much, but I’m a bit of an existential nihilist. Basically what that means is, I don’t believe in any sort of “higher power” (religious or otherwise), and more specifically, I believe that the fact that the universe exists at all is just a huge, massively lucky coincidence. The fact that we exist and have a sense of the world around us is an even bigger coincidence. If you want to get really deep, the fact that you or I exist at all is an even bigger coincidence on top of those OTHER coincidences. That’s a lot of coincidences haha. 

Basically I only exist because my parents, their parents, my great-great-great-great-great grand parents, going all the way back to the very first single-cell organism, have created this giant unbroken chain of reproduction, which you could probably even trace back to the beginning of the universe when atoms and molecules were just being formed. 

That’s super deep to think about. Looking at all of those coincidences lined up, an insane amount of things had to go right for me to be alive at this very moment. Someone in my family lineage could have just as easily taken the wrong train or left the house ten minutes early and never met the person that would become my great-great-great-grand parent, and then boom, no me. 

I think about this stuff from time to time. I think it allows me to keep a fresh perspective on what life really is. What it’s all about. It makes the hard days a little more manageable knowing that you’re basically one of the luckiest creatures in existence (let’s ignore the fact that there are 7+ billion other very lucky people on earth too haha. Remember this is a selfish post.) 

Nihilists are known for the saying “this is all meaningless. your life has no meaning, because there is no point to existing, and everything is just pure happenstance (coincidence).” While I technically believe this to be true, I think that if everything is meaningless, what that really means is that everything is actually beautifully meaningful. Every leaf on every tree and plant. Every photon traveling through the blackness of space from our sun, only to land on your skin and warm it ever-so-slightly. The photons traveling from stars and galaxies hundreds of millions or billions of miles away, only to fill your eyes at night. Every note in your favorite song, every time your heart beats. There is no real reason for any of this stuff to exist, but it does. And you’re here, alive, to experience it and to take in it. Our brains are really good about desensitizing us to repeated experiences. It’s part of the reason why adults become so boring, so jaded. We lose our childhood sense of wonder when all of this was new and exciting. Finding beauty in everyday things is one of the greatest parts of being alive, if you ask me. 

My answer to that question I wrote above is a long one. I’ve never really put it into words before, but I’m going to try my best to do so now. 

Let me start by saying that everyone has a different outlook on life. Different goals, different life experiences that shape those goals. Some people dream of becoming a famous celebrity, or becoming wildly wealthy. Those could definitely be fun (and challenging) goals, and I can see the appeal. I think my goals are a bit more simplistic, and more broad. I think my first and most important goal in life is to make the world a better place than what I was born into. Had I been born into a wealthy family as an heir to a multi-million (or billion) dollar inheritance, I would probably have the means to exert real, massive change at a huge scale. Maybe I would be doing what Bill and Melinda Gates are doing with their foundation: eradicating terrible diseases from the planet, saving hundreds of millions of lives. I wasn’t born into wealth, and statistically speaking it’s probably not very likely that I’ll attain that level of wealth.  

Where does that leave me with my goal to make the world a better place, then? I’ve considered that at length before. I don’t have a particularly massive friend group or social network, but thanks to the internet I do have access to the tools that could allow me to leave a mark on humanity in some form. Right now I see a few ways that I can make the world a better place.

In no particular order: 

The first way is something that I try to do on a daily basis (though I sometimes struggle with it), is to be as nice to people as I possibly can. Small interactions with people matter. Everyone is the main character in their own story, and while we don’t usually consider how we impact others, I find myself worrying about this a lot. This is a difficult thing for me to do, given that I have some pretty terrible social anxiety at times, but when I can, I try to treat people in a way that might make their day better. Even if it’s just a smile in the hallway, or forcing myself to be more of a friend who listens when they need it. I don’t necessarily need people to remember me for being a nice person, but I do want people to be happier in general, and I think being a nice person to everyone I meet is a good way to go about that (even if the impact is tiny). 

The second way that I’m trying to make the world a better place is more focused on the environment. I’m not about to go on a huge rant here about climate change or anything like that, don’t worry. The only thing that I will say about that is, it’s real, we have an idea of how bad it can get if we don’t start doing something about it soon. My personal contribution to solving this problem is by trying to reduce my “foot print” on the earth. It starts with every day things, like limiting the excess use of electricity, plastics, and other petroleum-based products. I try to be as mindful as I possibly can about this stuff, and it’s really fucking hard sometimes, but I honestly think that one person can make a difference when it comes to this stuff. Essentially, I try to be as energy efficient as possible, within reason. 

The third way that I’m trying to make the world a better place is similar to my first reason, but more focused. I��ve aways enjoyed music and art through out my life. Speaking very personally for a moment, those things have helped me through some rough times. They’ve shown me beauty and promise in times when I was convinced that neither existed. I have a long, long ways to go, but I would like to get to the point with my music production skills to where I could release something that would have that same impact on others. Even if it’s only one person that finds it and is able to get something from it, that would mean I’ve achieved my goal. It might be some kid in Indonesia or Peru on some terribly slow internet connection and I will likely never know about it, but the thought that it’s a possibility is enough for me to continue working on it. This same goal applies to my photography. Photography as a medium is less impactful than music (when’s the last time you got a photography stuck in your head? yet it happens with songs all the time), but it can have similar impacts on people when presented in the right manner. I may never become a globally successful, well-known photographer, and that’s alright. If the images that I create impact at least one person in a positive way, then I consider all of the money, effort, and time I’ve spent working on it a success. Unsplash has been a fantastic way for me realize this goal. There’s something really incredible about knowing that over one hundred and thirty thousand people have downloaded pictures that I’ve taken. Maybe every single person that downloaded those images is using them for ads to sell junk to people that can’t afford it, but maybe they just enjoyed the image and wanted to use it as a background on their phone or computer. I don’t know, or care, but that’s a lot of individual people being the main character in their own story that I’ve had the chance to impact (whether they realize that or not).

My fourth and final way to make the world a better place is much much more involved than anything I’ve written above. I want to continue that unbroken chain that goes all the way back to the beginning of life on earth. I want to start a family at some point, and raise my children to have a similar appreciation for just how precious and valuable our lives are, and how important it is to make the most out of it. How fortunate we are to exist and experience love, sadness, wonder, despair. Maybe when my children-to-be grow up they’ll be in a better position than I am to help others. Maybe they’ll get access to huge amounts of money or social power and be able to impact the lives of millions. Or maybe they’ll be exactly in my position now. Either way, as long as they want to make the world a better place through some means, I’ll have considered my life a success. This goal is still a few years off, because once I start it, it’s going to become the single most important driving factor in my life, and I feel like I have a lot to offer to the world before I start down this path. But I am so incredibly excited and hopeful when I think about it. 

This is the longest post I’ve written to date, I think. It took me over an hour to write it. There goes another one. Now, I’m going to go off and make something out of the rest of this day. Carpe diem. Seize the day.