#I am aware that I am in better health

[giantkillerjack]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

Plain-text version:

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

[realbeefman]

stacy is sooo interesting because she's in love with house but knows that they will never ever be able to have a healthy, stable, sane relationship because they're too similar so. she finds house-lite instead and marries him and. essentially moves on with her life! and is successful in this because she's a moderately well-adjusted person!

wilson, in contrast, never manages to escape the inevitable, in spite of his best efforts to find a house-lite of his very own, because he's an absolute fucking freak and ends up glued to house to the bitter. bitter end

[ganondoodle]

although i know i wont ever be able to truly convey how i feel or think about something (which is fine) i have this extreme desire ... need even to attempt it anyway, i am constantly burning with needing to show people what im feeling, what i care about, i dont consider myself a good writer, i draw more than i write, i talk ... or try to, in pictures, that is how i connect with others

not being able to achieve it, or way too little with more and more piling up for so long feels like its killing me from the inside

[fella-lovin-fella]

therapy was a lot yesterday

[kkujo]

the thing abt mental illness that sucks is. the stuff that people tell you makes it better doesn't actually always make it better in the moment. and it's hard when ur low energy but i think a lot of people get this idea of "it doesn't help so i'm not going to do it" but sometimes you gotta reframe it and see it as like. okay this doesn't make it better but it's also not going to make it worse. like washing your face might not make you feel better but it also won't make it worse. gentle exercise won't necessarily make you feel but it won't make you feel worse. going outside isn't going to fix anything but it also won't make it worse. trying to see them as neutral things rather than a magic cure. and the thing is over time when these things build up and it becomes routine, it DOES make it better. but it takes time and consistency. in the meantime though it won't make it worse.

[liesmultixxx]

Hi🫶🏻 this is peak stream of consciousness writing so beware: cringe ahead (nonetheless I’d be happy if someone read this lol it would mean a lot)

——-

The sky is blue

The grass is green

Still my mind is playing tricks on me

if what I feel and what I see would be less real

Then maybe I’d have a lot less ghosts

roaming around and fighting me

i am so tired, do you know

it takes everything in me to be this strong

I cannot stay, but I cannot go

who the fuck wants to die alone?

I guess I do, It’s all I know

an eternal curse put on to me

thanks to my lovely family

I do love them, I cannot lie

it’s just this feeling i’ve got inside

would someone love me for

who I am, this wretched mess

who am I kidding- of course they won’t

This life is all just for show

wish someone had told me this once before

just let go of your fears and ghosts

they’ll come back sooner or later anyway

no point in driving yourself crazy

wish I could believe this sage

I still choose to put the blame

all on me

it’s kinda sad

i don’t why

i won’t be loved, I won’t be liked

what can I do?

maybe I should just stop

[sp1rit-realm]

healing <3 (please do not repost without credit!)

i, for the first time in a very long time, am feeling true happiness. over the course of the last ten years, i felt my joy slowly leave me. i was only a kid when i felt myself start to deteriorate, and thats such a scary feeling. i reached my lowest about four years ago, and for the past three, ive been working to get better. i was in therapy for five days a week at one point, ive tried thousands of different medications, ive gone through hundreds of journals, and ive cried to my therapist about one million times. i have hit rock bottom too many times to count, but im standing here today. i still have bad weeks--bad months, but i smile now. i smile genuinely, and i do so for so long that my cheeks begin to hurt. its gotten better, and it will for you, too <3

[aggressivedaikons]

ok y’all btw I wanted to let you guys know if I ever tell you anything like ‘praying for you!’, since most of you aren’t religious/Christian and have the skewed stereotype of the hateful Christian born out of the abuse that they commit in the more traditional churches (I am so sorry for that by the way, I don’t consider those people to be real Christians at all and I dislike them just as much as all of you they are disgusting), I wanted to clarify a few things so it doesn’t feel as weird or rude as it may come across!

first things first: when I say that I’m praying for you, I am NOT trying to fix you. Yes, I genuinely believe in my religion like any other religious person of any religion would. two: I am NEVER doing it out of pity. It’s either my way of showing very real, genuine care (I don’t pray as often as I should and it’s something I already struggle to remember to do.), or the same kind of care but extremely panicked and about to have a emotional breakdown. Just know all it means is I care about you so much I’ll take hours out of my week sitting and worrying over you in a very loving manner. I mean I already do this for a lot of people but for you it’s even more special.

and the reason I do it is just because I believe it?? Like. Yeh. :D I think it helps, and whether all the times that it’s seemed to work was just coincidence or not, I’ve thought about it and I’d rather be wrong about a god and lived life with more of a conscious to do the right thing (never a bad thing!) then be wrong and hells actuallt real and stuff I actually could not tell you I just am taking a leap of faith.

so YES I’m not traditionally christan value wise and there are so many hateful christans who use prayer as a way to “fix” people even though that’s really stupid??? And rude??? For me it’s just me caring for you really hard and whether god’s real or not I mean like manifest?? If there’s no god, at least maybe it’s like. Manifesting love and care and support on ye <3

[smilepaint]

anyway the concept of passing is a scam. we will never be liberated until the idea that a trans person's inherent value and worth and validity is directly proportional to their resemblance to a cis person. and i say this not just to those who struggle to or do not fit into that box, but to those who very much do and are counting themselves lucky.

the same way that its unhealthy and unreasonable to expect a same gender couple to conform to notions of what a heterosexual family should be, its unhealthy and unreasonable to have to expect a transgender experience of identity and a transgender body to conform to a cisgender ideal. not only does it further the marginalisation of trans people and drive a wedge in our community, but it's an unhealthy way to see the world and relate to yourself. its not fair to expect a human being to go their whole life in states of checking the value of their body and their life against a societally imposed, often unattainable model that may not even reflect their own desires or goals.

it's tough, i know how tough it is to go against everything you've been taught, and the right to seek medical intervention to reshape ourselves in a way that deepens and solidifies our connection to our bodies is and will always be important. but for your own mental health, whatever shape you take must reflect yourself first. not a cis persons. transition is about making a home out of the body you're living in, in whatever way works for you.

you deserve the mental freedom that comes with removing "passing" from your emotional radar entirely. trans bodies are good bodies.

[neverluckygoldfish]

100 -

Feeling a little lost these days and confused. A little fearful of further self sabotage.

Embarrassed that I can’t keep promises to myself.

Wishing that my emotions weren’t so overwhelming.

“What will people think?”

Feeling an impossible chasm of distance between myself and others.

Questioning every choice I’ve made in the last 5 years.

“Hide. You’re too much. Again. Don’t let them see your weaknesses”

Numb.

“Why did I just say that?!?!?”

Disconnected from my body (but I’m starting to suspect I always have been and am just now becoming aware of it)

—

Trying to hang in there.

[udurghsigil]

ive been told i need to be kinder to myself abt my problems (which is true) but also i dont think ive run into a single person who struggles as much as i do with literally every aspect of being human which is a uniquely troublesome situation to find urself in

[kunikidas-lost-glasses]

I just looked up when the date is when I am finally two years clean from SH and THAT DATE ALREADY WAS!!! IT WAS A BIT MORE THAN TWO WEEKS AGO!! I SWITCHED THE MONTHS UP!!!

I AM OFFICIALLY CLEAN FROM SH SINCE 2 WHOLE YEARS!!!!!

[eastofedean]

8i've been thinking about the last asks i got today. and i think it's better for me to take a step back from this account. i know the anon didn't mean anything by it, but i still feel like i am being a negative presence on here and weirding people out with who i am is nothing i want. so, i am not deleting or anything. i am just gonna be less present with sharing personal things or leaving tags. I'll probably be more active on my second account where i don't have that many followers :)

[calpalsworld]

hearing pop music on the radio gave me anxiety because it made me feel like i was working at my previous job (meijer) and it occured to me that hmmm maybe the jobs i worked before my current job were not good jobs

[natasha-in-space]

Deadass didn't eat anything in over 10+ hours, and I have the nerve to lay there and think 'hmmm, I feel kind of very weak, shaky and unmotivated.... I wonder what could have possibly caused this 🤔'

[starfishinthedistance]

tw // suicide mention

you know "think of all the people who love you and will miss you!" being the default thing to say to suicidal people is pretty stupid when you consider that loneliness and isolation is a major factor in many people's suicidality.