#bc i am so used to starving that now i just take it as normal

[natasha-in-space]

Deadass didn't eat anything in over 10+ hours, and I have the nerve to lay there and think 'hmmm, I feel kind of very weak, shaky and unmotivated.... I wonder what could have possibly caused this 🤔'

[loosingmoreletters]

slams hand down do it you know you want to do it,,, sugar daddy au and now its just awkward as fuck but they get to Deal with It. bonus points for people laughing at them in the background. i am your inner demon whispering that this is a good idea and you should absolutely write it (no pressure ofc!!! take your time and its fine if you want to!!!)

for ship names. yeah very sad. i havent settled on like. a combination of their names that sound appealing to me so im just. sitting there awkwardly in Yun Taeheon x Shin Junseo. simple but it works. ill bonk my brain for ideas later,, i have cut down on thigns i need to hand in tomorrow im procrastinating because the thing i need to do is so horribly boring

maybe the korean side of the fandom has something going on but that would require me to go on twitter and figure out what korean words to put in the search box and I'm already failing at "go on twitter".

sdkhldfkhg the inner demons are winning. now I'm kinda contemplating how this would even start, which made me realize we know fuck all about Shin Junseo's past??? We only knew that apparently he had a shitty job before he awakened and didn't have any friends and seemingly also has no family.

So like? Local man signs up on an app bc honestly at this point being a sugar baby would not be worse than another horrible shift at whatever minimum wage job he has to pay the bills?

And cool, he hits it off with Yun Taeheon, something something business man. It's a lot less hollywood-pretty-woman than he expected, more nice dinners with genuinely entertaining discussions, and sure getting laid is nice too, and then, well, the world goes to shit for a hot second and well, the contract written before runs out, isn't renewed and Shin Junseo has a moment between picking up a shitty job again and awakening where he comfortably lives on his savings while his,,, ex? well, no, ex would be implying they dated. boss is also not quite the term, his previous situationship, made himself a guild master.

whatever.

and then the world goes even more to shit and he drags corpses and the memories of a world annihilated out of a dungeon. He makes his plan, keeps his head down and then fucking Yun Taeheon is standing in front of him again.

[lith-myathar]

disordered eating talk in the tags

[hrryshoney]

no. 1 party anthem

A/N: lowkey projecting bc im a photographer/videographer❤️ this is set during like self-titled. if u could tell. named this after the AM song bc i think it fits (the bridge of this song is so them coded) this is unnecessarily long (6.1k words) but anyway Enjoy

warnings: smut 18+. um fingering, p in v unprotected sex, oral (m and f receiving), masturbation a bit? (male), degradation, praise, use of a camera during sex, Sir kink, exhibitionism (kinda), sex on a couch, light choking/slapping (blink and miss it!), probs more kinda filthy etc..

Today was shit. Complete and utter shit. Your alarm didn’t go off, you spilled coffee all over yourself, had to go home to change, and you were going to be late to your first clients appointment. It’s only 8:30, and you could already tell it was going to be a bad day.

Your first client was booked at 7:45. You only had four appointments today. Normally, you’d be a bit more booked out. But, your last clients would take up more time than usual. An up-and-coming band you heard, that were quite popular already. Their management had informed them about your local studio, and an appointment was made.

Upon walking into your studio promptly at 8:00, you saw that your best friend was stalling for you. She had your first client engulfed in mindless conversation. God love her, Lexi knew how to keep a crowd entertained. Really, showing up 15 minutes late wasn’t a good look. You were glad she was here to null some of the damage.

As you walked up to them, you caught the tail end of her gossiping, no doubt. You placed your hand on Lexi’s shoulder, startling her out of conversation. “Oh! Let me get out of your way. I was just telling Christian how my last shift at the diner was absolute madness. As always, though. He’s all checked in. Have fun, hope the shoot goes well!” You shot her an appreciative smile, then an apologetic one to Christian.

Stepping out of the lobby and leading him to the studio, you were face to face with him. “I am so, so sorry I kept you waiting. This morning was one from hell, for sure.”

“It’s alright, don’t worry. Shit happens.” He smiled back at you, following you into the room.

You were grateful for his understanding, hoping it wasn’t too much of an inconvenience. You prided yourself on being punctual and professional. Thankfully, the studio was already set up for his shoot

You took the lens cap off your camera and began to set up your tripod for some head shots. Flipping the camera switch to ON, you then turned to Christian.

“Let’s get started.”

…

Your next 2 appointments went on without a hitch. They were both fairly basic shoots, nothing too heavy. Your 2nd client was even a regular. She was so lovely. Today she came in to get maternity photos with her husband. Considering how long she’s been coming to your studio, you were ecstatic for her.

You were still a bit out of it and tired though, the effects of your morning not completely worn off yet. You had an hour and 45 minutes before your last clients for the day came in. The band that you’ve been anticipating.

It was 11:34 now, so you were taking this as an opportunity for your lunch break. You decided to go to the sandwich shop that was about a block down from your studio. Walking out of the darkroom in your facility, (some guests preferred genuine photographic film) you spotted Lexi. Still behind the front desk, but now on a stool, slouched and looking at her phone. Mindlessly scrolling, she was kicking her feet back and forth as they dangled from her place in her seat.

“Hungry?” You came up beside her, tapping her thigh twice. Lexi was pulled out of whatever she was watching on her phone, looking up at you. “Mhm, starving. Lunch?”

“On me,” You confirmed, “thought we could get it in before our last clients. They’re gonna take a while, but I’m looking forward to it.” You said honestly, looking out the studio’s glass windows to the street. “Have we ever shot a band?” You use the term ‘we’ loosely. When you and your best friend both got a start, you always knew that you were going to be more hands-on. She didn’t necessarily share the passion for photography, but when she had no shifts picked up for her service job at the local diner, she would pay you a visit. She stuck beside you, and you’re thankful for it.

Lexi does most of the behind the scenes work for you when she’s there, and it would honestly be 10x harder without her. “Don’t think so. I would have remembered that. Every guy in a band is, like, insanely hot.” She hopped off her stool, beat white converse hitting the ground.

“Good to know where your priorities are. Hopefully they’re cooperative.” You wondered aloud, you knew they were young. That normally meant they would be rowdy, too. Four guys around your age was bad news in general, even worse that they’re musicians. “Hopefully they’re hot.” Lexi corrects, too caught up in picking at her nail beds to see your expression.

She had you laughing out loud. Wide eyes and an even wider grin on your face. “Right, extra incentive.” You picked up your keys to the front door that were lying on one of the shelves under the front desk. Checking your watch and walking to the door, you flipped the sign to CLOSED so you and Lex could grab a bite in peace.

…

You and Lexi wasted more time than you thought. You were out for at least an hour, having went shopping after eating. You both decided you could use a new outfit. Not for anything particular, but just to treat yourselves. Then, you traveled back to the studio.

30 minutes until your next client, you still had time to kill. You went to read the email from their management, again. You saw they specifically wanted a couch in their shoot. You should probably set up their studio now. You knew you had an old, black leather couch in the back somewhere. Finding it would be the hard part.

It wouldn’t be in any of your front studios, so you decided to check the last one first. Studio 13, it was more of a storage room now. When you first leased this place, you were pretty sure it used to be a one-level warehouse. You’re never booked to the point where you’re using all the studios, and you don’t have enough staffing anyway. Still, it cleans up nicely.

You end up shouting for Lex’s help dragging the big couch to your front studio. You had already set up a white tarp for your backdrop, knowing it was a pretty minimalistic shoot. As you lug the couch along the concrete floor, the feet of it scraping against it to make a rather brash noise, you began to think the soft, calming music that you queued to combat it wasn’t working very well.

You finally push the last bit of the couch into the studio, dragging it in front of the white tarp. Lexi raised her hand for a high five, which you gladly reciprocate. You look at her with a grin. “Not bad, huh? Little studio we got going.” You both laugh, staring at the quite bleak set.

“Best in town,” Lex returns dryly, she steps out and looks to the front windows. “Those your clients?” Before you even look, you answer. Albeit sarcastically, “And I’m supposed to know, how? I’ve never met these people before.” But the words died in your throat the moment you looked. They had to be your next clients. You didn’t think anyone could fit the bill for ‘band members’ more perfectly.

So, there they were. Smoking and loitering outside the studio. And Lexi was right, because she always had to be. They were hot. No sooner than you think it, the words are coming out her mouth. “Christ, they’re handsome.” All of them wearing some short of black getup, with tight jeans and t-shirts. One boy, with longer, blonde hair, had his sunglasses on with a snapback. She laughs through her sentence in disbelief, a hand coming to her mouth. You can’t help but follow suit.

“Right, well. Even if they are, he best not ash his cig in my flower pots.” You squinted your eyes, the cigarette resting between the boys middle and index figure. Trailing your gaze to his face, he had dark curly hair. A pale complexion with deep brown eyes, cheeks sunken in as he took a drag of his cigarette. The face that, after you finished staring, you saw was looking right at you with a half-smirk. You smiled back and looked to Lex, taking a step back into the front studio. “He saw me.”

“You weren’t exactly being subtle, but oh well. That’s the one you want?” She raises her eyebrows in a tease, a wide grin splitting across her lips. Your face and body heat, eyes widening. “Can you not? I need to be professional. This is the real deal, you know? They’ve got management and everything.” You didn’t wanna blow your shot, you knew this was the foot in the door to bigger things. Cute band members were not taking this one from you.

Your hands came subconsciously to brush at your outfit, looking down at yourself to see if you looked presentable. You could practically hear your best friend’s thoughts, and the smirk on her face. You ignored her.

The bell on your door rang with entrance, and you turned to see one of the guys walking in. He had shorter dirty blonde hair, and you could see one of the others stomping on his cigarette before following behind.

Putting on your customer service smile, you took a few steps back to make room for the 4 men in the lobby. You scooted closer to Lexi, suddenly feeling outnumbered. Four sets of eyes were now looking back at you. Two brunettes, one who had closer to black hair. Two blondes, one whose was longer and lighter.

“Nice to meet you,” You sighed out, their intimidating gazes piercing. “So, um, welcome to our studio.” You introduced the both of you, giving your name and Lexi’s. Gesturing between the two of you with a wave of your hand.

They went down the line doing the same. Ross, Matty, Adam, and George. In that order, introductions exchanged in their thick accents through giggles. The boy you had taken interest in you now knew as Matty, and he was only drawing you in more.

“Well, we can get started on your session early since… you’re here.” You looked to the group, waiting for some sort of approval. You got a couple head nods, and a smirk from Matty.

“That eager to get us in, babe?” He chuckled, knocking his shoulder into his friend’s playfully. You felt embarrassment flood through you, but you led them to the studio with your head up.

“Sure. So, Studio 13. I’ll get a lot of ‘full band’ shots, but your manager said he wanted some solo shots of the each of you, too. Think it’ll be easier to get the group ones now, though.” You told them, wringing your hands slightly.

There was a small murmur of agreement, and you turned around to get your camera ready. Checking your lens, SD card, battery. “Whatever you think, you’re the pro.” Your head shot up, seeing Ross smile reassuringly at you. You returned the gesture and got back to work.

As you walked around the room to flick your lights on, you saw Matty shooting his friend a look. You didn’t think too much of it, but your eyes couldn’t stop finding his face. You were gonna have fun photographing him solo. “Okay, everyone! Get together, pose, do whatever you want. I’ll take a bunch of shots.”

After a few pictures, you stopped. Lowering your camera. “Maybe.. We should get you in the middle.” You pointed at Matty, him freezing in his place at the end of the line. “I mean, you’re just…” You trailed off, hoping he’d get the point.

George spoke up, saving you from having to complete your sentence. “She’s saying you’re the shortest, mate. Get in the middle.” He snickered, hand raising to his mouth to hide his smile.

Matty’s smile dropped, shoving his friend’s shoulder. “Whatever,” he muttered, moving to his new spot. “Better?” He tried to hold back his laugh, but was failing over the sound of his friends chuckles in the background.

Once you got them started, you could see they really were naturals. You assumed their close bond caused them to work so well and naturally together. Joking around, but still getting good shots.

However, this perception faded when you had to go in for the solos. Of course, above anything, they were boys. And they were also making your job a living hell. No matter who you were photographing, the other three were trying to get a laugh. Anything to make their friend break.

Your last straw was when you tried to get a photo of Adam, and Matty all but fell into his lap. You laughed along, (because truly, it really was just a little bit funny), but forced yourself back into work mode.

“Okay, this isn’t working. How about for the solo shots the rest of you stand out in the hallway? And we get a little rotation.” You suggested, trying to make yourself sound as light hearted as possible. Though a wave of whines passed over the group, they ultimately agreed in the end.

Working with them one-on-one was really nice. The two guys you shot so far, Adam and George, were very intelligent and funny. Unnaturally respectful for men your age, and you really couldn’t complain.

You finished both of them up, their mini shoots taking about 15 minutes each. You went back in the hallway you collect another one of them.

Adam and George now stood to the side, leaving Matty and Ross to linger right outside the door. You opened the door, looking at both of them and keeping your palm on the door handle. “Who’s next?”

Ross’ eyes went to Matty’s, about to step backwards and let him go. Then, Matty’s arm shot out to land on Ross’ shoulder. It seemed he tried to give his friend a shove forward, but the most he got out of Ross was a stumble. “Ross will go next. Save the best for last and all that, right?”

You giggled at Matty’s antics, while the rest of his friends let out sighs and eye rolls. Ross mumbled something under his breath, a sarcastic ‘right, sure..’ was the most you caught. You then lead him into the studio, closing the door on your way.

Ross’ session took about 5 minutes more than the others. He was incessantly flirting, making it hard to do your job. And while there was no denying that he was very cute, you knew they were all harmless comments.

You were finding out quickly that the boys were good company. And the shots were all turning out more than great. They were all so naturally photogenic, and the camera loved them. You doubted you’d have to do much editing.

…

You walked out with Ross, on your way to finally bring Matty in. You two lightly chatted on your way out, Matty’s eyes landing on you the second the door opened. He looked at Ross and tilted his head, to which the taller boy only looked down at him and grinned.

You broke the awkward silence, clapping your hands together. “Right, well. Matty, last but not least and all that.” You step back and put your hands up, gesturing for him to step in before you.

Once you finally got him away from the rest of the band and you closed the door, his whole demeanor shifted. Matty turned around instantly to look at you, and you looked down to the floor. You could see his smile through your periphery.

“Okay, so. For the rest of the guys I got a few of them standing and a few of them sitting on the couch…” You trail off, looking around the room. At this point, you’re just desperately trying to avoid eye contact with him. Maybe saving him for last wasn’t the brightest idea.

“Okay,” Matty nods his head, eyes following yours and looking around the studio. “Should I.. get on the couch?” He says offhandedly, a hand coming to hide the smirk that’s blooming on his face.

You feel your face get hot, but you agree anyway. “Um, yeah. That’ll work.” You walk over to the studio light, dragging it in place from where you moved it when with Ross.

After getting the area set up, you turn back to Matty. He’s looking at you expectantly, waiting for direction. “You can just pose however you want. I’ll just take a bunch of shots and there’s bound to be some keepers.” You smile and turn your camera on, fiddling with the settings.

“Have to tell me if I’m doing good, then. Don’t know what I’m doing when I pose, to be honest.” He laughs, moving in his seat a bit. You scoff, still too preoccupied with your camera to realize you did it out loud. “What?” he asks intrigued, still smiling.

“Don’t think you could really look bad. I mean, you’re photogenic and good looking to begin with, so.” You press your lips together, the words flowing out of your mouth too freely. You turn around and walk to a cart that’s in the corner of the room, pretending to grab something from it.

“Yeah, sweetheart? Think I look good?” His smile grows unbelievably wider, not being able to hold back his teasing remarks. You roll your eyes, obviously not meaning the blatant compliment to come out. You come closer to him and he kicks his knee out so it brushes your thigh.

Trying to brush it off, you shrug your shoulders. “You caught me,” You said with the faintest smirk on your face. Taking photos of him flows naturally. He’s just too.. perfect. And though you don’t throw that word around, he really is. You already love the few shots you have of him.

You get down on your knees to take the next picture from a better angle, leaning back on your calves as you do. Matty’s eyes widen and immediately find yours. It doesn’t register in your head what he’s thinking, until you see him shift in his seat.

He doesn’t do it subtly, and you know he wants you to look. You’re no better, so easily giving into temptation. Your eyes drag to his hips, watching the way he lifts himself off the couch momentarily.

“Alright, babe?” He calls, drawing your attention back up to his face. Though, your gaze lingers on his mouth. He winks at you.

“Should I be asking you that instead?” You hide behind the camera, snapping more pictures. You remembered the promise you made to Lexi and yourself. Be professional.

He chuckled, bringing his hands to run them along his thighs. “Only if you’re gonna help me out.” His eyes search yours for an answer, and you can only guess that you look as desperate as you feel. You nod.

His hands run higher, rubbing over the tent in his jeans. “Gonna need your words, then.” He smirks, and you feel so out of control. But it feels nice.

“Yes, please. I’ll help you.” You get up from your spot on the floor, ready to move towards him. Matty’s hand presses on himself harder, and he groans.

“Ah,” He tsks, stopping you in your tracks. “Don’t get to touch me yet, we’re not done our photo shoot.” He smiles, which then gets interrupted with a moan. The only thing you’re focusing on is how he works himself with his hand.

“Please, Matty. Need you.” You’re already begging him, but you don’t dare move from your spot. Because you want to be good for him. You feel the pit in your stomach, and then the pool of arousal in your panties.

“C’mon, take a picture of me baby. Isn’t that your job?” Matty throws his head back, palming himself through his jeans even more. You feel your knees weaken, the camera suddenly heavier in your hand.

You bring the camera up to your face, looking through the view finder. Matty looks sinful. You clench your thighs together and his hips lift off the couch even more, a whimper falling past his lips. You take the photo.

“Knew you’d be so fucking eager. Could see ya eye fucking me since we got here.” Matty starts to unzip his pants, allowing his cock to be less constrained by the pressure. You don’t even think when your finger hits the button.

“Like you weren’t doing the same?” You shoot back, voice coming out breathier than intended. He lifted his hips up, pulling his jeans down past his thighs. He was left in his black Calvin Klein boxers. The imprint of his hard cock very much visible.

He strokes himself over his boxers, mouth parting slightly. “Watch that mouth, thought you were a good girl.” He groans out through gritted teeth. “Come here.”

You obey, of course. Walking straight to him, though your mouth gets the best of you. “Maybe you thought wrong.” You say with an innocent smile, the toes of your shoes hitting his. He grabs your wrist, bringing it to his dick. He moves your hand up and down, letting you feel all of him.

“Wanna be a brat for me, baby? Come on, take me out. I’ve got another use for that mouth.” You reach for his waistband, your camera still in your other hand. He notices the compromising position and takes it from you. You expect him to put it to the side, but he keeps it in his hand. “Get back on your knees.”

You lower yourself down, pulling Matty out fully. He’s pretty. His cock is long and thick, the tip slightly red with precum beading out from touching himself. “So big, Sir.” You look up at him through your lashes, pumping him twice. He whines out.

“Sir, huh?” He smirks, throat gravelly. You work your hands around his length more. Then, you hear it. The camera shutter. You look up, his eyes looking through the viewfinder.

“Can I suck you off?” You bat your eyelashes, waiting for permission. Matty’s hands falter, bringing the camera down slightly. He hums.

“Mhm, take your top off, sweetheart. Leave your bra and leggings.” You pull your hands off him, swiping your shirt over your head. You were wearing a blue bra with lace trim, and it pushed your tits together nicely. Thank you, Lord.

Matty started to pump his cock when your hand left, now working himself faster. “Open your mouth.” You submitted to him, quickly sticking your tongue out. You subconsciously pushed your breasts together with your elbows.

Matty slapped his dick on your tongue, loving the way your moans vibrated around him. He teased you, taking himself away to take another picture. “Please, please Sir.” You rock yourself on your heel, the desperation growing.

“Little slut,” He giggles, pressing his cock into your mouth. Groaning out when you close your lips around him. You could only take a little more than half of him in your mouth, swirling your tongue around his tip.

Your hands came up to work the rest of what didn’t fit. “Made for this, to take my cock.” You whined around him at that. Hollowing your cheeks and pulling off a bit. You say something around him that he can’t make out, and he bucks into your mouth.

Matty’s hand comes to rest on the back of your head, hand tangling in your hair. “Like that? Wanna be my fucktoy?” You nod around him, bringing one of your hands to rub yourself over your leggings. Matty guides your head down on him until you gag, letting you pull off and take a breath.

Tears welling in your eyes, you swallow your saliva and look back up at him. “I’m okay, please keep going. I like it.” You respond to the concerned look in his eyes, and he nods. Before you take him in your mouth again, you spit back on his cock.

“Fucking hell, shit.” Matty moans, throwing his head back on the frame of the couch. He pushes your head down again, making you take his whole cock in your mouth. You don’t gag this time, and he starts to move his hips.

He’s fucking your mouth, and you’ve never been more turned on in your life. You felt your knees starting to bruise, and you rubbed your cunt faster. The only thing separating you being two layers of fabric.

He pulled you off of him, then. Looking at you touching yourself. “Getting off on making me feel good? S’pathetic, baby.” He teased you, and you heard the camera go off yet again. “C’mon, up here. Gonna make you feel good.”

What a gentleman, you think. Not coming before you. The thought makes you giggle, but it’s interrupted by your own shriek when he pulls you onto the couch. He places you on his thigh, grinding you down against him. Your whines are constant and he’s not letting up. “Please, Matty. I want you.” You whimper.

Matty pulls his shirt over his head, throwing it to the side. You state shamelessly, taking in all of his tattoos. They make him even more attractive, and you know you’re only feeding his ego with your wide eyes and parted lips.

He flips your position, and now Matty’s on his knees before you. He pulls your leggings off briskly. Then, you’re only left in a bra and panties. He presses over the wet spot on your panties, and you jolt. He hooks his finger in them, and pulls them to the side.

His fingers run through your wetness, and you’re practically glistening under the studio lights. He slips his middle finger inside of you, but it’s gone as soon as it came. You squirm, needing to feel any kind of friction. He pulls you closer to him by your thighs, spreading your legs wide.

He’s just staring for a few minutes, until you feel him blow a gust of cold air onto your exposed cunt. You scream out, hips bucking off the couch. Matty lightly slaps your inner thigh. “Sh, don’t want our friends to know what a whore you are, right? Giving it up so easy for a guy you just met.” You hear the smirk in his words, his accent becoming thicker and breathing more rapid.

Without warning, he licks a bold stripe up the center of your pussy. You put your hand in front of your mouth, muffling the moans. Matty sees this, however, and has a different idea. He says something without lifting up from you, the feeling of his mouth making your eyes roll back. Finally, he pulls off of you. “Camera.”

You whine, “Huh?” The camera is suddenly being placed in your hand, the weight making you shake more. “Only fair you get some pictures of me. Had your photoshoot, now it’s my turn.” And with that, his mouth is back on you.

Matty licks your clit, pursing his lips and sucking. Your legs start to shake, and he brings his hand around to insert his middle finger in your hole. Your whole body goes weak, the light grip you have on the camera not helping.

Matty continues eating you, and he’s messy with it. You feel your slick on your inner thighs. His tongue goes inside of you, slowly moving in circles. He pulls off again, watching you clench around nothing before shoving his face between your thighs.

Your moans are nonsensical, bucking your hips off the couch and squirming uncontrollably. Matty spits on your cunt, moving his hand to pinch at your clit. “Fuck! Oh my God, Matty. Don’t tease.”

“God or Me, which one?” He laughs, pressing a light kiss to your clit. “You haven’t taken any photos, Miss ‘pro’.” He brings up Ross’ words from earlier, the realization causing you to smile. The smile is wiped away, though, when he runs his two fingers through your slit and puts them inside of you.

Your mind clears, and you finally take a photo. You don’t even bother to check the shot anymore, just clicking the button mindlessly. Matty grins and curls his fingers inside you. His tongue laying flat against your clit.

He sucks on you again, scissoring his fingers slowly. “Mm, please, Sir. Gonna cum, please.” You beg, hoping he won’t take it away from you. That he’ll just allow you to let go. You take another picture, the top of his hair and bottom of your abdomen most likely the only things visual.

“C’mon, baby. Cum for me and I’ll give you what you really want. Fill you up with this cock.” He stutters in his words, and you realize his other hand went down to lightly stroke himself. More precum that he’s been using to lubricate himself.

You cum with a shout, that’s muffled by his lips on yours. Matty swallows your moans, sticking his tongue in your mouth instead. You can barely taste yourself on his tongue, and you ride his fingers through your orgasm. “Matty, Matty. Shit, thank you.” You pant, chest heaving.

“Good girl.” He pats the top of your head condescendingly, snickering. He stands back up to his full height. “Don’t thank me yet, ‘M just getting started with you.” His hand comes behind your back, unclipping your bra and letting it fall to your lap. “Lift your hips up, love.”

You do as he says, letting him pull your panties off. He throws both scraps of fabric somewhere on the grand. His hand immediately going towards your tits. He grabs a handful, and starts kissing down your neck.

“Sir, need you now. Can’t wait anymore.” Matty’s lips attach to your collarbone. He bites you, sucking on the spot. He licks over the red mark, moving to another spot on your neck to do the same.

“You’ll fuckin’ wait if I make you. Do anything to please me, right?” You nod, head rolling to rest on your shoulder. You finally feel satisfied when Matty takes his cock, resting it just above your pussy.

He lines himself up, but never goes where you need him. He keeps bumping your clit, every time making your body twitch. He holds your hip in place, the tip of his cock prodding at your entrance. The only coherent thing coming out of your mouth is please, mixes of Matty and Sir.

He puts his tip inside of you, feeling you clench and then quickly pulling out. You whine, trying to move down the couch and put him back in. “Beg for me if you want it so bad, baby.” Matty is hard, and you know he must be aching as bad as you are. His cock and angry red, you know he needs to give in soon.

“Please! Please, I need it. Need you so bad.” You’re not above begging, obviously. And Matty loved it. He groaned, your wet cunt coming in contact with his dick again.

“Need what? Gotta use your words like a big, or I won’t know.” He rubbed his cock down your slit, pressing on top of your clit. He moved his hips forward slightly, and you squeezed your eyes shut.

You threw your head back, “You! Your cock, Matty. Need it inside me.” You tried to close your legs, clenching around nothing and needing friction. Matty gripped your inner thighs, prying them apart and pressing them to either end of the couch.

He lined himself up with your dripping hole again, slipping inside of you slightly. “Gonna give it to you, ruin you.” With that, Matty thrusted inside of you. He started slow, half his cock inside of you. He was stretching you out so good, letting you adjust. “More,” You grit out, teeth clenching in your head.

“Was gonna give it to you gently.” He pressed more of himself inside of you, watching you shake your head. His hand came up to grip your jaw, making you look at him. “You don’t want it slow, right? Just wanna be fucked dumb.” Matty pushed the rest of his cock inside of you. Finally, you were taking him in full.

“Yes! Yes, Sir.” You feel so whole, so full. It makes you want to scream, and you bring your knuckle to your mouth and bite down. You see Matty reaching behind your head for something, and see him with the camera in hand.

He pulls halfway out of you, and the camera shutters yet again. “Look at the way you grip me, christ. Just milking my cock. He starts pounding into you again, hips slapping against yours.

Matty has a steady rhythm, it feels so fucking good for you. You keep clenching around him, and you’re close again from your other orgasm. “Faster, sir. Please.” You jut your lips out. “Wanna cum.” Matty laughs.

“Thought you wanted to be my toy, huh? Sit so pretty for me and take it? That’s dirty, you know, babe. Toys don’t get to cum.” He pouts at you in faux sympathy, eyes casting down towards you. The leather couch was making you sweat now, his gaze piercing through you.

“Please, Sir. Need it so bad, I’ll be so good. I’ll be quiet.” You whined, hips coming off the couch before Matty’s strong hand pushes you back down. Letting your head fall back, a gasp escapes your mouth again when his hand attaches to your clit.

“You’re greedy. Already came once and begging like a slut for it again.” He presses down on your clit, thrusting into you harder. He does go faster, speeding up his rhythm. Your stomach turns and you know you won’t be able to hold it.

Matty’s hand comes to rest lightly on your throat, pressing his thumb into one of the hickeys. “Cum for me, sweetheart. Let go.”

You do, with a shout so loud Matty doesn’t even bother covering it. He’s too focused on reaching his own release. He speeds up even more, riding you through your orgasm and making you overstimulated. “Fuck, fuck. Good girl. Where can I cum, baby?”

“My mouth.” You say with no hesitation, and he pulls out of you cunt. Matty moves up slightly, and pumps his cock above you. You open your mouth and stick your tongue out, and the visual makes him cum. He throws his head back with a loud moan, letting his cock hit your bottom lip.

You swallow, holding his eye contact. He curses under his breath, picking the camera back up and taking a picture of you like that. Then, one with his thumb pulling on your bottom lip before he wipes the corner of your mouth with it.

You giggle. “You taste good.” You watch him step off the couch, searching for your clothes. He finds your underwear and bra, bringing it back over to you. When he realizes there’s nothing to clean you up with, he leans down and licks your cunt.

You shriek out. “Could say the same about how you taste.” He winks at you, handing you your clothes so you can get dressed. He goes to find his own and do the same. You hide your face in your hands.

“No way you’re shy, you just had my dick inside of you.” He rolls his eyes, throwing his shirt back on. Tone full of amusement and disbelief.

“Doesn’t mean you have to be vulgar.” You joke, strapping back into your leggings. The anxiety about Lexi and his band mates is hitting you now, but there’s no going back. “Thank you.”

He looks over, a wide grin on his face. Matty grabs your shoulders. “No, thank you. Best photoshoot of my career.” He walks over to the door, and you take long strides to catch up with him.

You smooth a hand over your hair and straighten out your clothes. It’s no use though, because when you open up the door and walk into the hall with Matty, they all know.

Lexi and the guys all stood there, knowing smiles on their faces. George even starts laughing when you both walk out. Adam’s head hung with his shoulders shaking, and Ross a smirk on his face.

“Think Matty got the all inclusive session, then?” George says, causing the rest of the group to burst out in laughter. You shrink in on yourself, looking over to see Matty’s grin. Lexi shoots you a look. A timid smile, but her eyes say ‘we’ll talk later.’

Matty giggles, humming. “Mhmm, don’t be jealous.” He shrugs looking between Lexi and you. “Contact us again for another shoot, then? We love your work, and would love to come back.” His eyes go to your face for the last bit, and you nod.

They all say their goodbyes, exchanging handshakes and stares. When they walk out, Matty catches your eye again through the window. Waving, and pulling out a cigarette.

…

Later, when you’re cleaning up the studio, you find a folded piece of paper under the front desk. A 10 digit phone number, a small heart and the words Matty scrawled under it.

[pjsk-headcanons]

Niigo headcanons bc I am insane, if i had to rank how much physical affection they show, i think Kanade and Mafuyu take the first two spots, hear me out.

Kanade does it unintentionally, it's like she's so used to the touch and care of others that when they started to go out she suddenly just found her hand in someone else's, most commonly Ena's or Mafuyu's, although Mizuki never really minded hand holding. When Mafuyu started living with her it became such a normal thing to suddenly be all over her, doesnt help much that Mafuyu is sensory seeking and enjoys (or at least he thinks he does) playing with Kanade's hair a lot.

Speaking of Mafuyu, she tends to be pretty kept to herself when they're outside, mostly cause she doesn't particularly like being all over people when others can see her (what if her mom or dad see her? Or her classmates? Doesn't seem like she'd have a nice time), but when they're in the sekai ?? He's all over Kanade or Ena, he's smart to know that Mizuki doesn't enjoy being too close when it comes to physical touch, so he only ever does that to the vocaloids and the other two girls. This has gotten her in trouble with Ena before where she'll yell for "getting into her space" (she isn't angry, she's just flustered because why is Mafuyu trying to hug her so badly?).

Much to Ena's dismay she is really touch starved, she tends to hold hands with niigo members a lot, whether she does it intentionally or not, her lesbian powers shine through all the time. She mostly hugs Kanade, only because Mizuki was too nervous to properly hug for a while and she finds hugging Mafuyu is like hugging a brick wall, but she won't deny Mafuyu a hug every once in a while.

Now, Mizuki is a really clingy person, but she doesn't show it. She's afraid that others might get too close, or she will be too close to them (in a metaphorical way) and so when they "inevitably" have to leave, she'll be too hurt to let go properly. She only let's herself hug An and Rui (apart from her family ofc) and she only started letting niigo hug her after Mafuyu ran away from home, mostly because she felt sometimes they all need a hug. She often let herself get hugged by the other members, but whenever it lasted more than 5 minutes she started to get nervous, fearing one day someone would ask her about her body's complexion so she pulled away sometimes.

Now that they know about her secret though it's gradually starting to shine through just how clingy she actually is. If you see Ena and Mizuki out somewhere you could almost think it's a date by the way they walk next to each other either holding hands or linking their arms, and whenever the whole group is out she sometimes will ask forna group hug, yknow, in celebration of yet another song being made successfully

—Nonsense

‎

[mykoreanlove]

Can I ask one where the reader and Taemin were a couple, broke up and then decided to be friends , but Tae realized he can’t, bc he developed feelings for her again… thanks

“Tae, hurry up! I am starving!”

Your ex-boyfriend hurried up the stairs, your favorite take-out in his hands. “Jesus, y/n, you’re no fun when you’re hungry”, he mocked in a playful tone.

“Yeah, yeah”, you rolled your eyes and grabbed the bag of food.

It was a typical Friday night for you – after getting home from work, taking off your make up and switching into comfy PJs, you always ordered your favorite Chinese take out and ate it together with Taemin.

Years ago, this used to be normal since you were dating him. But now?

“Look at us. Who would have thought that we were better off as friends?”, you cheered happily.

He felt a punch to his stomach. Friends. Taemin was the one who broke your heart about a year ago because he couldn’t handle the intensity of your love anymore. It tore you apart while he seemed to be pretty chill about it. At least that’s what you had thought. He went on vacations, worked on new projects, and even dated around while you were crying your eyes out, ditching your friends and wondered if you could die from heartbreak.

You didn’t notice his changed saddened features and kept on explaining. “You know, back then when you broke up with me? That was the most horrific event in my life. I didn’t know how to be on my own anymore. We’ve been dating for so long, I just got used to being yours. And when you left me, it was hard. Oh, can you pass me the soy sauce?”

Taemin passed you the sauce without saying a word. He hated himself for what he did back then. He was immature and foolish and thought breaking up with you would be for the best. But it was not.

He was just as heartbroken and felt guilty for fucking up the best thing he had ever had in his life. Masking that feeling with vacations, work and other women only did so much.

“But”, you chewed contently on your spring roll, “I got over it and I managed to find a way to stay friends with you. I’m happy now.”

Happy. He was glad that you felt that way, after all he always wanted to see you succeed. But it tore him apart to be excluded from your happiness, at least in the romantical sense.

“Hey, I just read an article last night. It asked what you would do if you knew that you only had one year left to live. What would you do, y/n?”

This question caught you by surprise. That’s what you loved about him – you could goof around but talk about important, deep stuff as well. Taemin always wanted to know what you were thinking, what you liked and what made you, you.

“Can you pass me another beer while I think about it?”

He handed you another bottle and shied away at the touch of your fingers. Luckily, you didn’t notice his cheeks redden.

“Okay. I think I would quit my job and go on vacations for a while. You know all those places on my vision board from back then? I would take all my money and spend it on first class flights, luxurious hotels and once in a lifetime experiences. Oh, and I would take my friends and family with me, so I could share my joy with them.”

Taemin nodded contently. Typical, you always loved to travel, and you always cared for the people in your life.

“Oh, I would call all the people that did me wrong and I would tell them exactly what I think of them. Unhinged. Like the dick that blocked me after he fucked me? Or the mean girls in middle school that bullied me? Or my boss who scolded me for the mistakes of others? Yeah, I’d let them have a piece of my mind. For sure.”

You giggled happily, proud to finally get your vendetta. Taemin watched you and smiled. He always loved your savage side, but you rarely let it come out. He had no idea that all those experiences still lingered in your heart, but he was glad that you were ready to let go of them.

“And, if I only had one year left to live, I’d hope I’d be happy, you know? Knowing that you’re about to die is scary, so I wouldn’t want to ruminate over that. Instead, I would like to count my blessings and live each day as best as I could.”

You took another sip of your beer. Taemin’s eyes didn’t leave you once, he was glued to you. “Why are you looking at me like that? Tae?”

He snapped back to reality and apologized. “Sorry, y/n, I just got lost in my thoughts.”

You clanked your bottle with his and nodded approvingly. “I get it. It’s a tough question after all. So, tell me, what would you do?”

He took a deep breath before answering. Courage was all he needed right now, and he tried his best to gather all of it. Taemin scooched closer to you.

“I would do this”, he said and leaned in for a kiss.

His lips were still as soft as ever, even the touch of his kiss felt familiar. Your head was spinning, your body felt dizzy.

Taemin leaned back and spoke softly, his eyes never leaving yours.

“Y/N, if I had only one year left, I would tell you how I honestly feel about you. Or rather about us. I made the biggest mistake when I broke up with you back then. I hated myself for it, still do. The truth is, I am in love with you. Always have been, always will be.”

Taemin could hear your heart pounding heavily and hoped that was a good sign. You looked flustered, which he didn’t mind. In fact, you were always the most beautiful in his eyes. Your eyes were glistening, intensely focused on his. Was that a good sign? Was there still a chance left for your love?

“Y/N?”

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hi cas, now I'm gonna rant a bit because there's no one I can talk to rn. I'm already gonna say sorry because it's currently 2 am and English is not my main language.

I have so many problems and things to figure out rn, but idk how. First, the biggest thing, I want to see a psychologist so bad, but idk how to tell my parents. They are really not in a good phase, one of my brother barely talks with them, they're not very happy as a couple and they're constantly so tired bc of their work. I need to talk to someone who can actually help me, and not just giving me shit advices, like my friends telling me to try to change "my point of view".

I also think that I may have ADHD, because I made some research and I and I find myself in many of the symptoms. Obviously only online quizzes and random sites are not very accurate, so here why I want to see a phycologist.

Then I have a lot of anxiety and pressure from everyone, because I always was "a perfect daughter" and now they all expect no less from me, but I can't keep up with it. I hate how now everything I do is taken as normal, what "she does normally". Like today I received two grades, a 10- and a 9½, but when I told my mom she didn't say anything, and when I asked her if she was happy of my results, she said "yeah, it's your usual, maybe next time try to reach a full 10". Like,,, ma'am? I don't have a motherfucking lower grade than 8-. Eight minus. Everyone in my class has taken an insufficiency excpet me! Because I don't want to fail as a daughter and student.

And then every time I do anything slightly wrong, it seems like I do nothing all day. Like,, excuse if with my period cramps I didn't clean the stairs and forgot to do my homework, but ladies and gentlemen, I am in pure pain. Sorry if I didn't clean my room, but between trying to keep up with your expectations and not having a mental breakdown I don't have energy. Sorry if I keep eating without timetables, but my stupid brain want to kinda starve myself until I'm about to breakdown and start eating as comfort.

And next my motherfucking sexuality, I'm lesbian, and out to 2 person, both of my age. But idk how my friends (especially my best friends), my parents and my relatives are gonna react, because I'm motherfucking 13, I don't want to lose my relationship with all of them. Idk how to tell people, bc I don't open up so much with people, and surely not abt this. I accept myself so much, but I'm scared of what the people I love will say, because if I don't know you, then I don't give a shit abt what your homophobic brain thinks, but if like my mom tells me that I'm a disgrace and that being lesbian is a sin, idk how I'm gonna recover.

Oh, and next my religion. I live in a Catholic country, literally everyone here is catholic, especially my grandma. I figured out that in fact I'm very much not catholic, I'm probably atheist. But if Ik that my parent are probably not gonna give a shit abt it, my grandma and some more relatives are gonna be so angry w me. Like rn my grandma lives with us, because she broke her leg, and if I tell her, she's gonna make a motherfucking catholic speech everyday.

Sorry for the rant but I needed it. I also gonna have a shitful night because of the headache I have rn, and I didn't help it by writing all this. Thanks <3

Hi!

That sounds like a LOT to be dealing with, I'm so sorry. I hope you know you're allowed to vent to me any time <3

As far as going to a therapist, is there an acceptable reason to go to a therapist where you're from? Like I know you said your parents might not want you to go for the reasons you're describing but what if you lie? Like just to get them to take you to one. Because once you go, it's not like they'll know what you talk about, right?

I'm sending you love and I hope things get better.

Naming you evermore anon!

[moonlit-escape]

ive finally caved. im making a silly stupid self-insert oc

so here are some of my notes on

*ੈ✩‧₊˚ | Ori Lunedust

✧ only lightly canon divergent (because i am a coward)

✧ nonbinary. they/them

✧ short. like, hella short. like 4'10 short (maybe i shld give them an extra 2 inches, but im not that nice to someone who is supposed to be a caricature of me.)

✧ chin-length hair. soft and swishy. galaxy colored (mix of my old primary mc skin's hair and my current hair length)

✧ wears glasses on occasion (when they forget their contacts, really. which is often)

✧ has normal ear piercings and a nose piercing

✧ no stagnant sense of style or aesthetic. they just like wearing whatever they feel like

✧ favourite things include: sushi, the color blue, weird shit no one thinks about, cartoons, space, and things that people make (art wise)

✧ part meif'wa, part werewolf, but looks like neither (my mum is a cat person. and my dad prefers dogs)

✧ yet, they still have the traits and behaviors of both (abnormal strength and agility, comfort in sitting where they shouldn't be, fascination with sticks and toys, deeper understanding of body language, chocolate intolerance, get that fucking window open or so help me irene-)

✧ 2 older half-brothers. one meif'wa, one neither (didn't inherit the gene. both are ma's kids)

✧ started a junior in pdh (was homeschooled for practically their entire schooling career up until that point)

✧ carried a different plushie around in their bag to school every day. for emotional support

✧ very large collection of plushies

✧ a very creative person. always looking for some way to create something and give substance to their emotions (art, music, jewelry, you name it)

✧ greatly prefer literally any other form of communication and self-expression apart from actual speaking words

✧ had art class and was always sneaking glances at the trio, even outside of class (and taking -3 dmg to their self-esteem each time bc they felt like a creep)

✧ horrible at making friends. just the worst. (social anxiety and isolation did not help) but, very good at keeping them

✧ have two best friends they love and treasure more than anything, even if they are far apart

✧ WILDLY independent. like toxically. would rather starve to death on the chain than ask for someone to help them open the lock (sooo, they'd need some pretty stubbornly caring people to take them in. or, someone they can stubbornly care about)

✧ hopeless romantic. emphasis on the hopeless part (romcoms are top tier and sweet cuddly romance makes them weak)

✧ somehow both terrified of getting in trouble yet also always looking to push the rules (had two separate uniforms for school and wld mix n match the parts depending on how they wanted to dress that day, snuck in snacks or dr. pepper into class, wore headphones to play music constantly)

✧ used to rollerskate to school every day and back. would rollerskate everywhere in town if they were allowed

✧ in senior year, they were a target for recruiting into the shadow knights because of their "potential" in how they bent the rules and seemed easily malleable into a troublemaker due to their quiet and unopinionated demeanor. they turned the two down of course, but still sort of kept an eye on them, because. well, they thought they were probably decent kids at heart. and when the two were framed that year for the cafeteria incident, they didn't really think twice about helping them out

✧ now present day they live with two roommates, one of them including Kai. they've lived with their roommates for a few years now and yet, they're still only acquaintances at best with them (i live like this chat.)

✧ that doesn't mean the household dynamic is a complete mess, though. whenever there's a problem or something to let the others know about, they leave out colorful sticky notes to communicate it (it's hard to know when they'll next see them anyway, and even then, they forget about it easy or they just can't get the words going)

✧ has a deep sense of alienation, and a lack of belonging anywhere. their sense of identity is very loose, (are they human? meif'wa? werewolf? or none of the above at all?) so they have a lot of different styles and interests with things like merchandise, accessories, and keychains and pins. which helps them to show off their personality, figure out what communities they feel like they belong in, and sort of just have a more tangible way to ground their sense of self (this does not totally work. unsurprisingly. but their mountain of interests does make for a good distraction)

[kaycode1999]

hey!! Ik you’re probs a bit busy w these so no rush, but I’d like to request a match up for either mha or kny. My pronouns are she/her and I’m a female, either gender is fine by me!

For personality, Im have the ISFP type. I’m quite introverted, I hate speaking to strangers, or people in general. Crowds kinda scare me as well. I’m pretty shy and meeting new people is especially difficult for me. Im pretty funny (not my own words) and I love to draw, read, write, or anything with creativity tbh. I’m practically married to my Spotify, there’s barely any time you won’t see me without headphones. I get decent grades, but I do tend to get distracted very easily and I zone out a ton! I’m pretty outgoing once you get to know me, and I’m definitely a bit touch and attention starved. My aesthetic is sorta tomboyish ig. I’ve been told multiple times that I dress like I’m homeless lol. My favourite colour is navy blue.i hardly ever wear make up also, I’m just too lazy

I have shoulder length hair that’s sooo thick. It takes forever to brush and I can’t even shower properly w it. I like to dye my hair, and right now it’s purple at the ends with my natural roots (brown). My favourite season is fall just bc where I am we get stormy autumn’s, and I LOVE stormy weather. I usually go outside when it’s raining as well, I adore it.id definitely consider myself an insomniac as well, staying up to ungodly hours of the morning on the days before tests has proven that. It’s nonstop, I can’t remember a single night I went to bed before midnight. This means I also have hella dark under eyes 😭

thx for taking the time to look at this!

(also sry for the bad set up of the request, I rambled)

Demon Slayer/ Kimetsu no Yaiba

I match you with

Mitsuri Kanroji

Mitsuri can be nervous around crowds or people she doesn't know too, or at least she was. I know I saw either a fanart or a manga panel of her hiding in Rengoku’s haori somewhere and it was adorable. So she understands

I think she's gotten more comfortable and able to handle dealing with strangers better now, so she'll take the lead and keep the pressure off of you

She loves your humor and thinks you're hilarious

I think she's creative too, but of your interests she probably shares reading the most

She will give you all the affection you want😂 she's a sweetheart like that

She's not the kind to mind if you don't wear makeup or if dress “tomboyish” she just loves you for you

She'll love to help you take care of your hair, she knows a few things from taking care of her own long thick hair

She's has to stay up all night dealing with demons a lot herself, so she might be up to be there with you anyway

My Hero Academia

I match you with

Dabi/ Touya Todoroki

By nature he's pretty introverted and does not socialize…. Like at all

Your humor was surprising to him, as in he didn't really have anything to genuinely laugh about before you. Now he laughs all the time because of you. *its a small chuckle or maybe even a smirk/smile but a win is a win*

He's more destructive in nature, not creative, but I think over time your creativity rubs off on him

He's attention and affection starved too, unfortunately that means that at first he isn't used to it. But eventually you both get comfortable with each other and giving and receiving affection

He dresses a lot like you so win-win, you get to swap clothes

We've all seen the jokes about him being a hairstylist correct?😂 It would be in a different way than he normally does *through fire* but he would help you with your hair too. He really likes you're colorful hair

He likes rainy/stormy weather as well, so if you go out in it he will definitely join you

Does he ever sleep anyway?😭😭 He’ll more than likely be up along with you

But you guys can have your own special thing when that happens like playing cards or going for walks. Nice quality time

I truly believe Dabi could be good if given the love and affection he deserves so being with you just automatically makes him better

[sinsandsweetness]

Hi! I hope you’re doing well 💞 I always see your asks on advice and you seem like such a big sister vibe to me so I wanted to ask and see if you had any advice for me🥹

I’m 19 and I’ll be 20 in April and I’ve never had a Boyfriend or girlfriend or had sex and I feel so so behind. Apart of me wants to get a dating app and try to meet someone but I also want a “meetcute” moment but im just so tired of being single, but also im scared of dating apps bc I feel like they’re all hookups😭😭 but I’m just sad and touch starved and want a partner so bad… and I also wanna have sex. Any advice would be greatly appreciated I don’t have anyone to really talk to about this so thank you if you get this<333

Hi sweetheart,

I can absolutely understand your situation and frustrations. It’s really normal to feel the desire for a partner and sex and everything in between. But I want to make it clear that you are still so young! You aren’t behind at all. I know it’s hard not to feel that way when you hear others talk about losing their v card in highschool or having boyfriends at a young age, but I assure you: you are not behind.

I’m not just saying this to make you feel better either. If I could go back in time and wait longer to start dating and to start having sex, I probably would. Not that I regret my past, because it really has made me who I am. But I definitely know that as we grow and mature, we become more sure of ourselves and our romantic needs. And in my opinion, my 20 year old self was so much more prepared for relationships and sex than my 16 year old self. Or even my 18 year old self.

It’s easy to feel behind, I get it. I feel it in other aspects of life, I really do. But you’re not behind. And if you want a real connection with real intimacy and romance, it will come. It might take some time, but I promise it will come. There’s something so special about learning how to be alone and to love yourself before being with someone else. I know it’s cliche, but when you’re at peace with yourself and you stop looking for something, is when it usually finds you.

If you don’t want just a hookup (which I’m glad you don’t) then I honestly wouldn’t recommend dating apps. I won’t use them and never have, but I have friends who do and the hookup culture with them doesn’t seem to align with the kind of connection I think you are wanting.

My advice for you, my love, is to just be patient. Work on yourself. Put yourself out there. Talk to strangers. Invite the right person into your life by putting out an endearing, positive energy. I know it’s frustrating right now, but it will come. I really believe that.

[summertimeskinney]

lol just ranting

anyone else at the point where they are just maintaining even tho they arent even close to their ugw? bc im 130 rn and maintaining it but my ugw is at least 74/75 but im just at the point where im not always completely disgusted by my body because im looking at it more subjectively and i dont think i would look good skin and bone.. honestly i dont even know why im doing this anymore. Like i dont even remember why i started doing this in the first place. my hw was like 150-160 and the only reason i became aware of my weight was because authority figures in my life were pointing it out (according to my bmi i was only slightly overweight) I started losing weight rapidly in freshman year because i discovered proana and found a community of people who were in the same situation. and i was praised.. by everyone? i was starving, then i was binge/purging. how did i even end up like this? i mean ive never really had the best relationship with food but i was only overeating a bit. now i eat until i feel so sick that i puke or am in physical pain. i can make myself throw up on demand now? ive gone literal days without eating anything. like nothing at all besides diet soda, sugar free monster, and water. im at the point where my brain is in a constant battle between the decision to binge or starve. i'll just be minding my business than my brain will be like "if you were 80lbs it wouldn't be this way" or "you're so fat, it wouldn't even be hard to be 100lbs or less. like. what are you doing? why are you so heavy and gross?" it won't stop. and instead of starving like i used to i just binge, like all day. and i dont purge either.. i don't even know whats going on anymore. im not depressed like i used to be, but i can't get the thoughts out of my head. i guess you really are in it forever? i never really believed all the warning posts about how bad eds are and how you can never go back, or maybe i just ignored them. i cant even fathom what i really look like. i have body dysmorphia in all the ways. not only do i think that despite being 5' tall and 130 lbs i would fit into anything bigger than a small. i feel gross, but ik that when i go to the doctor she's going to say that i need to lose more weight because im 2 lbs from being in a normal bmi rage. despite my titties literally weighing almost 10lbs. but then i already have troubles fitting into clothes, most places don't carry more than a small or xs in person and almost never go over a small online. i am already an xs - small as an "overweight" person. I cant imagine how hard it would be to find clothes that actually fit me at 75 lbs soaking wet. i saw a video by jesse page today talking about how she always thought that to be a princess she had to be as delicate as possible and never take up space, but then how after gaining weight she fit her princess dresses better and relearned how to feel beautiful. i want to be a delicate little doll that you could toss around and never took up a whole seat. a pretty little doll that you had to be extra careful with because you didn't want me to break. ik its not good to feel this way but i can't change the temptation to forever be empty, live off candy and diet coke, and never eat real food again. to be more of an object than a human being. but then the logical side of my brain pipes in and is like hi, i dont care what i weigh but i want to have a strong healthy body with some good biceps. i dont know how to help myself or be normal.

anyways

im fasting n laxing tmrw bc i need a cleanse. lol bye

[guzmawife]

duuude i forgot i have free will and can post whatever here. thinking about stuff for michael and i: i think we live in new york i feel like it makes sense. he talks like hes from new york (as far as cartoons put it) except we live in those cramped apartments that have the bathroom in the kitchen and the kitchen in the bedroom. we are paying 3k a month for this apartment. he moved into my place since hes small and can pretty much be anywhere although i have to accommodate for his size in my house so smaller tools and such. he probably showers in the sinks like a baby. (✿◠‿◠) and uses shot glasses as regular cups. since hes small he also needs to keep a jog to match my pace (he has no issue with this, hes a singer he can manage his breathing rlly well). if we are walking side by side but sometimes i put him in my bag or pocket if he doesnt want to walk or if the street is crowded. i would sew pockets for him on some of my clothes so he can hang with me. his family/he probably lived in a corny cartoon mouse hole apartment before moving in with me, meaning i would never be able to come over Because im a fully grown adult cat. and we would probably have the conversation. “do your parents know im a cat……….” and he’d be like (⌒_⌒;) nnnnnoo… and then he would take me to them anyway and shit would be awkward. theyre all sitting On the table and im sitting in a chair sticking out like a sore thumb. then when we get home i yell at him for putting me in an uncomfortable situation. his parents are like why would you bring us a cat. you have a death wish dont you. (he is really good at almost dying frequently). i dont think i would ever genuinely kill or eat him bc i like like him. (im not ready to say the L word ok we will get there.) but i think i would tease him about it and be like. Michael. you look delicious today. and he’d say heh.. tha- What. Run that by me again. then i would pretend to not know what hes talking about and rub my tummy evily. this isnt about vore. i think physical intimacy would be an interesting topic because as of now i dont know much of what that would entail. he would probably crawl up my shirt and piss me off either to tickle me or to spook me since im scared of bugs and am always hyper aware of any small feeling on my body. we can kiss like normal i think. i think i would end up being really starved for hugs due to his size (╥_╥) theres no solution to that. we can cuddle like normal also and i think that would be the most common way for us to share physical affection since. theres Not much else. theres some other stuff but i dont wanna talk about actual sex. its possible but im too shy to talk about that. im not even sexually attracted to him i would just need my own Assistance. id let him assist meSorry sorry dont read that dont think about it sorry. sorry. enough about animal sex um what else. i think even thou he is small (sorry about 90 percent of this text being about size difference. its a young relationship ok ive not much time to think of our dynamics) he would still make efforts to do big animal things for me like making food or cleaning up. taking care of him isnt very hard he eats 1/4 of whatever i eat. i dont know what my job is in this world. maybe im still a college student. i think his music career supports us and i probably have a shitty weekend job (thanks seth macfarlane for having an entire discography so now i can say my mouse lover is a genuine music artist and it makes sense. not that making sense is important. i can imagine anything.) but later on i will probably earn a medical job and maybe we move into a better more spacious apartment. i think i still am an artist here but it has no relevance to our development. im also a lazy slob but when im clean im Clean. he doesnt really care hes not a clean freak but he will diss me a little if it gets out of hand Which is probably Necessary. he needs more discipline than me thou just in a general sense. hes very much irresponsible with his money and so am i tbh but i have more self control compared to him. tumblr is silencing me.. meow..

[try1ngtobepretty]

day 1cw: 44.4kg ch: 157cm bmi: 18.4 gw: 35kg

day 2 no i don't like my height, i wish i was a little taller (like 160 cm at least) but i'm growing to like it more now that i'm losing weight

i'm skipping day3 and any other days where i have to post pictures because i don't like making thinspo lol

day 4 my biggest fear about losing weight is doing way too fast and making hair fall put or even dying. like I'd feel so guilty is people were worried

day 5 I want to lose weight because I'm low key really short and it makes me look bigger than I am. I'd just rather be skinny and petite (it makes me feel more worthy of love but we dont talk about that 😪)

day 6 I've never binged before and I'm scared I will one day

day 7 yes they know and my mum keeps trying to feed me

day 8 i just do whatever i can for as long as i can. these days i've been doing treadmill a lot though

day 9 i've been called 'too skinny' before, it was said maliciously but it was just motivation to be honest

day 10 spending time with family is definitely harder now considering a lot of people o know express love through feeding or cooking for each other (which i find really sweet but definitely not ana friendly lol)

day 11 skipping again bc it's thinspo

day 12 i normally eat a lot of strawberries and watermelon since they're kind of my safe foods. but on met days i usually have some kind of noodle soup

day 13 i'm not too sure, it's probably unhealthy because of my eating habits but i do exercise and take care of myself in other ways to balance it out

day 14 35kg and i want to reach it as soon as possible

day 15 I want to be vegetarian but my mum won't let since she doesn't think I'll get enough protein. but I do think it helps with fat loss

day 16 I'm not too sure, I'm pretty sure I woke up randomly and realised I was fat when I was like 12 lol

day 17 no of course not

day 18 probably any Japanese food

day 19 a few months ago I think

day 20 not eating at all

day 21 UK petite size 4 on top and 6 on the bottom

day 22 i'm pretty sure it was 40kg and i gained during recovery

day 23 yes definitely but i think that's the case for most people

day 24 i don't care, to be quite frank. i don't use it personally because it's gives the vibe of promoting the mentality but i see people use it all the time

day 25 nope, never. i think purging relates more so to binging than starving which isn't something i do

day 26 feeling dainty and doll like and just being more feminine in general

day 27 i try my best to stay away or at least not look at it

day 28 so badly it's the cutest thing ever

day 29 beauty is subjective, i can't define it. however for myself, it would literally just to be as thin as possible with the most princess personality i can conjure

day 30 (this is so hard idk me) -im a girl -ive been ana since i was around 12 -i used to have cherry red hair - i love lana del ray -im learning spanish -i have won awards in languages and maths -i live in the uk -i am currently doing my gcses (year 10) -i grow my nails out all the time so they're usually quite long -im a make up artist for friends and family

[dumpdaily]

me when I was 10 btw. I wasn't quiet about the abuse I went through and seeing this school photo when I was digging through my mums shit was wild. She told me off for telling people that she hit me because "you could get taken away from me". The cops would constantly drop me back to her whenever I ran away or asked for help anyways so it didn't matter.

I was the same weight until 15/16 when my weight doubled in a year (bc I started stealing food). 25kg. I will never let myself forget this shit. There was physical evidence of so much of the shit I went through. People have told me so often that I am "obviously lying" and I will hold onto everything like a beacon. My mother told everyone I was a liar. I will not let what was done to me be forgotten.

Most of the time I talk about everything very casually. It was my normal for so long. I often talk about how I had to attempt murder to get my freedom. Along with many other struggles. I can definitely understand how it can be hard to believe someone went through all that stuff and speak as if it's not heavy.

I'm pretty sure my spine issues are from being trampled and shit as a kid and never being taken to the doctors when I needed it. It's really surprising how durable the human body can be when it's also so fragile. It's amazing all the things, all the pain, we can ignore when we're told that it's normal. Told that you're being dramatic. Told that you're lying.

Push yourself too far and keep passing out. That is the only way I knew how to live for so long. People thought I was on drugs or whatever else. They made excuses for why it was okay to treat me a certain way. People still just see the flesh and bone and not the soul trapped underneath.

Some damage can't be undone. And I will kill myself when I am ready. No one will take my freedom from me. I will keep a hold of it until the end. I know where my limits are. At a certain point it is pure cruelty to force someone to stay alive because of your moral beliefs.

if this doesnt make sense it's because i am enraged that despite wearing everything I went through, and telling everyone so bluntly, no one helped me. also it sucks for the kids who had to bear witness to my suffering too bc they couldnt do shit and if any of them went through shit it showed them no one is really willing to do shit about it.

oh my mum asked me a while back if she was a good mum and I told her no and she cried. bitch expected me to lie to protect her precious lil feelings back then. She knows better now. I keep calling her out on her shit with examples. She's only just recently figured out lying to me is a bad idea.

she used to monitor everything i ever did. i kinda hope she sees this. i doubt she'll ever get help. she's always the victim, it always her fault, in her mind it's always something to do with her. she could have been something good but she couldn't stomach being a failure so she ran away from everything.

I'm a failure too. In some ways I am so much like her. I learned the skills that she refused to teach me. I set myself up to be better. And sometimes I lash out, I hurt people in ways I never meant to. I had to learn to say sorry. And I knew that people couldn't handle me. They should never have had to. I should never have been broken as I was. Trying to be better even when I failed eventually meant I didn't lash out as much. Constantly fighting yourself. I'm so tired.

all of this just from seeing a photo of myself when I was suffering the most. I looked like that because I was starved and isolated.

[lascapigliata]

bugs /

going home for mothers day this weekend and it just occurred to me that i would have to leave food out for lila and normally for two nights i wouldn't even think twice about it no big just put out a bunch of food but now?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? i don't want to starve her obviously but how can i leave food out when THAT WAS THE PROBLEM before and i would take all of my prophylactic measures but they're not exactly good for animals which sent me into a tailspin this weekend anyway so like ????? do i just ?? hope that since i now seem to not have ants that if i leave some more food out than usual they won't appear? or do i just say she's a cat and she'll survive a day without food??? does it matter if the crumbs will still be there bc i won't be able to clean them up?? i still have the gravity feeder in my shower where i left it to dry and i've been too scared to go in there which i won't have a choice about tomorrow anyway but i just can't see myself actually USING it again so soon

and the irony of course is that that feeder sat out for like 3 weeks with NO ISSUES and then suddenly there was a massive issue so should i take that to mean that it'll be fine bc it was before??? but what if it was the heat that did it not escaping insecticide? in which case like.. it's still fucking hot! i can't exactly interrogate the dead ants and see why they came in!!!

and i would call my parents to see what they think but i am SO FUCKING SICK OF CALLING OTHER PEOPLE RIGHT NOW i just want to handle one (1) problem or decision by my(1)self. i fucking hate the heat i hate spring i hate summer i hate this all. in the winter this was simply a nonissue and now literally everything is an issue again

like i guess i have to feed her tonight, which i'm procrastinating on hard which is coutnerintuitive i guess but i just realized i haven't gone over to her dish yet today so i'm so scared of what i'll find over there even though i NEED to go deal with it because i NEED to go to sleep etc and i'll just suck it up and call my mom tomorrow and see what she thinks like i know all my various instincts are completely unreasonable in one direction or another

[that-one-daydream-you-forgot]

overthinking,money TW: rant:

am i the only one who's scared to ask their parents for money even though they said it's ok to ask them for money. but at one point i just adopted the thing they do when they say they don't have money for stuff...and to the point that i'm here going to have a break down. but then again the friend that i'm compering myself to is kinda rich so it's ok if her allowance is more 1.5k/2k a week and she can just ask her parents for money if she's buying something that's either school related or art related....but then again i'm over here bc i'm just very scared to ask for money bc like- i can starve myself so i can get more money- it's not a big deal to me i've done it many times but then again i don't want to seem like a money grabber if i were to ask them for money bc i wanted to buy things to start up a new hobby like jewelry making like those girls on tiktok but then again if i use any of my money i now have to save up to get to the goal of getting 10k (i forgot to say this is in php) to spend on a wedding that's going to happen in Sydney(it's in two years) but now i worry that i might not buy the stuff that i want to bc i will only have 200 aud(exactly 272.85 Australian Dollar) and that i will have left over money bc i'm scared to use my money. i know it's pointless to try and cry over money bc i normally get 100php as my allowance but then again i commute to go back home and if i calculate how much money i will get each month; 1 week = 500 (but -100 bc we won't start until aug 29 and there's no telling how many more days will there be no school this year except for the many goddamn holidays) 500 x 4 will be 2,000 but my commute is normally 30 php so 30 x 5 = will be 150 each week. and 150 x 4 = 600, and 2,000 - 600 = 1,400 but we don't know about the school expenses, dates in where there's no school and i...sometimes even indulge in eating snacks and then i will lose money......i can ask my parents for money for the school stuff but it just feels weird and they're already working hard and they still have to pay off the house and i'm just so goddamn scared...and now there's the topics in where my friends will ask me if we can hang out...i know my mom gives me money but then again i will have to give her the change of the money so i just literally just try not spend anything when hanging out with my friends. i don't really know what to do, i want to but stuff i like but i still need to save for the wedding for two years and i'm not even sure if i'll like the things they're selling there....like- i will probably buy a few stuff but then get scared bc then i will only have a like money that won't really let me buy stuff...idk i just haven't calculated the amount of money that will be needed- i actually asked my mom if i can just get my hair cuts during the free haircut program my school has to let them save money since i don't want them to spend too much money since they already brought me my mac book..and they still have to pay the house, i mean- we aren't broke, my father has a well-paying job and my mom- has her dental clinic and her teaching work...my father is still working on his lawyering business ...like- by no means, we aren't broke..we just....let's just say during the earlier years of my childhood, my mom was still trying to save up money since i used to do to a private school and now i'm here in a public school, trying to not get kicked out since everyone in the school is on scholarship and during the first year they can remove you from the school if you get an average of below 85% (and this is a science-based school by the way) idk i just think they're doing so much yet i can't do anything that well...i don't like singing even though my mom tells me that i sing pretty good...my drawing isn't as like impressive unlike my friends and even my paintings, they surpass me in it.....like- i don't really have anything talented in me that will take me apart from the crowed except for the fact that my irl last name is normally the last one in the list and- i think that's the only thing that's different about me.

every one i know is better than me in one way or another, some of my friends sometimes point out the reasons why they don't like a specific person but i then noticed that i kind of fit that description and i normally ask- "well- i also do that..." and they just like- say things like "well- your {real name} so it's ok" and i have a feeling that they're just telling that bc they don't want me to be sad or upset but i also know that there's a possibility that some of my friends, classmates, peers. don't like me or even talk behind my back, it was even worse since i had one of my closet friends being revealed that he talks shit about me behind my back....i think i'll end this log in this context....i mean...i'm already crying...i can't just go for comfort to my parents bc they'll try to give me advice but i don't think i want advice...sometimes i just want to feel heard out, so i don't feel like a loser in the far corner without anything to show off or be proud of...i just feel like sometimes i'm not really needed here and i'm just a waste of life since i can't even express myself like my peers do...like they can think that i'm angry but i'm not....anger for me is strong...i remembering lashing out at my classmate since they broke something that's mine....i was in a bad mood that day and i just couldn't take it...i apologized and he did too...our relations ship is currently ok...i don't know of this night of aug 23-24 is just one of those nights where i can't really...those nights in which i feel so useless bc i didn't do anything today and my parents got worried since i all i ate was a single piece of pie and then my mom prepared me a meal so i will eat......so yeah...i just feel so useless and like- a raisin cookie....anyway, thank you to who ever reads this