#I actually finally mentioned this to my therapist recently

[melon-dot-com]

OCD for me is weird because I swear most OCD related posts are either of these: obsessive cleanliness, or intrusive thoughts (like moral dilemma).

While I did have the latter pretty badly and... maybe still do. The most pressing is that I fixate on adjusting things: my sheets. my plushies. my pillow alignment. my desk monitors. the way I sit at my desk. the way my blanket is laid (pattern print is facing outward). the crafting materials I have lined up on my right side of my desk (it's L shaped) to be at the end of the surface but not so far it could easily fall off, but not so inward it takes up unnecessary room. And many more, but I want to say those are some of the common ones.

I do have some of the cleaning one too. But with certain things. And I seem to have more ''contamination'' OCD than anything. Or at least that's the closest that seems to fit. Sometimes I'll just feel like something I touched left a residue on my hands. Even if said thing likely didn't. I can Feel it. I am always wiping off my desk- though partially this is because of hair or cat fur that I am worried I can't see and will later feel or will get on my food/drink at some point. (There's probably other stuff I just don't want to type it out)

All of this I noticed causes me to tense and stress wayyy more than I should be. My back and sometimes body in general ends up hurting. But it's like. What do I even do about all this :/

I've managed to do better at times... I mean when you are literally sore and burnt out, you just can't continue. Although I sometimes still try to ''fix'' stuff anyways. Some days I practice exercises in my head to tell myself that what is currently happening is ''correct'' and attempt to avoid adjusting. And then some days I'll have what I call an ''OCD attack'' where I fixate on adjusting / folding / lining / organizing *one thing* for so long it ends up burning me out because I've been doing it for an hour+.

I've cried afterwards a few times. Knowing I saw the time go but still couldn't leave the task alone. Telling myself if I just do a little bit more, it'll be done. It'll be over. I just need to take that bit of extra time... and then after I finally step away from it. I realize I was obsessing over nothing. It wasn't as big as a deal as it was when I was fixated on every detail.

[tilebytiles]

funniest news ever. arctic monkeys might lead me to getting tested for adhd

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for threatening to become a girl's step dad to troll her into blocking me and stop dragging me in a group chat ? Jenny (23F) blew up because I (24NB) said she'd be a shitty social worker bc of her specific autism symptoms + class bg. My gf (45F) said it was warranted because of how  overwhelmed i got by the wall of text with triggering details of my abuse. I never told my GF that the fight started because Jenny called me a gold digger. I also never mentioned that I ended it an hour later by posting pics of Jenny's mom in the chat, ignoring her ranting and discussing the vacancy left by her dead dad*, and how i could fill said vacancy. 😬😬😬 Might of gone too far with this one.

Backstory: I lived with Jenny when I was houseless indefinitely. She only let me stay for two weeks because it would be too "distracting" to her studies. Jenny was incredibly rich, didn't work, and her parents paid her rent for a 2 bedroom. She admitted she got rejected from every grad school she applied to except for the one her mom was in charge of. Her mom bought her a condo in the city the school was in. She kept asking me how she should decorate it, completely ignorant to how uncomfortable this made me and my other friends. Jenny was oblivious constantly to how she made others feel. She was actually the most incompetent person I've ever met in terms of comforting other, always tone deaf and completely absorbed with her own, single traumatic event. She made constant jokes about the abuser I was fleeing and even compared this stalked to a /serial killer/ documentary she watched, but never EVER showed any signs of internalizing how I almost lost my life to another person, how that might affect me or even just bum me out. Seriously, I've never met someone else who was so incapable of even being sensitive to issues that were /EXTREMELY SERIOUS/. Forget comforting, the stuff she routinely said to me and my other friends to try to cheer us up was beyond degrading. It was wearing on me a lot.

Jenny herself was neurodivergent. She often said her autism prevented her from understanding the feelings others had, reading their expressions, and tolerating crying or loud noise-- she forbid her musician roommate from doing both. None of those mean shes a worthless person, but all of those things would make someone a horrible therapist or social worker. Oh my God, literally every time I talked about my recent trauma, she would talk about herself and then blame her autism when I told her it just wasn't helping.

The final piece of this was I had a nervous breakdown and screamed at her over discord that she was a shit friend and needed to give up on social work, for like an hour. NOT MY PROUDEST, but I ALMOST DIED. I was living with her because SOMEONE WAS STALKING ME. and I would have liked to not have my abuse JOKED about. HOW DID JENNY RESPOND!? She began dragging me, through the mud, in the group chat, for, dating, an, older, woman, who, paid, for, my, air bnb, because, !!!she!!! wouldn't let me live with her for more than a week. I was HOMELESS. It became all about "OP you are such a b*tch, you are with a woman twice your age and she pays for everything now but you are still a miserable and angry person. You are so blah blah blah you are an ableist, you said I can't become a social worker bc of autism blah blah blah you have major major issues, Go back your rich granny and leech off of her you useless, fucked up little gold digger."

U_U Then, she started graphically describing how I deserved my abuse, so I shrimply began to troll. And yes, I pulled out my magnum oppus like fucking playing blue eyes white dragon, oh yeah I slipped her a pristine Jenny's mom facebook photo and said "Hey you never said your mom was so cute. Maybe, I could leech off her next and become your new dad." Yes, her dad died.* She blocked me immediately. Its OK. It was knives out for Jenny as soon as my GF gifted me a pair of $700 Isabel Marant shoes** , the most EXPENSIVE thing ive ever owned in my whole life, and Jenny saw me excited and called her mom to buy her a pair. It's, absolutely OK, if I am the asshole. I wear my crown of thorns, judas that I am, but I really, really think Jenny was being cruel. *he died 18 years ago ** the shoes are no more because i fell into my gf's rich friend's koi pond

[just-prime]

Question to Dreamling folks…have you heard of Swedish Death Cleaning?

Okay so this has been hiding in my drafts for a WHILE now so bear with me

It's both a book and now a show, and I've been watching it recently. (well, it was recent when I originally wrote this) And the funniest idea has made its home in my brain...which is Hob getting stuck on this show. Logistically there are a lot of reasons why it wouldn't work...but let's just handwave all that, and say Dream is pulling some strings so that Hob's not recognizable on camera. I'd assume one of the Hob's employee friends at The New Inn volunteered him for it.

The camera crew are just trying to not be totally obsessed with this dude's quiet goth boyfriend who's raven keeps shouting curse words. Matthew has made it his personal mission to make Hob crack up on camera. Or the large maine coon who only is around sometimes despite being very obviously pampered, with eyes that have a really weird sheen to them.

The whole premise is 'decluttering your life so that after your death your friends and family won't have to do it' and I can just imagine that Hob's preparing to fake his death anyway, so he just says sure, what the hell only to realize that he needs to move all this stuff to a storage facility that is holding a bunch of stuff from past lives. And suddenly on the fly he is trying to come up with excuses of why he needs to keep a random glass bottle while a rather stern Swede is unimpressed. Plus employees of the New Inn keep mentioning different closets that are filled with things, so there's just a constant stream of really important things that Hob has to keep slipping to Dream to hold onto in the Dreaming so that nothing precious gets tossed out accidentally.

Or having to confront his grief over past loves that he's not truly over when he finds some last vestige of Eleanor and breaks down on camera. When it gets to the therapy section, it's kinda rough as he has to figure out what to censor himself on to stay realistic for his apparent human lifetime. The thing I love about the show is that one of the three hosts is an actual professional therapist, so Hob's gonna actually have to confront some of the harder truths that he may not even want to admit to himself yet.

When it comes time to have the final reveal, Dream helps with the decorating, and finds it incredibly soothing to put everything in the right place. After everything done, Hob jokes that he should become an interior designer or something...

This has been in my drafts long enough that I forgot when I actually started writing it...so yeah, just thought I should throw it out there finally instead of just keeping it in my drafts forever :P

[msnihilist]

Hi, I just wanted to say a post you made a little while back about how in your writing you get to decide whether normally bad relationships like child/adult stuff get a happy ending actually nearly made me cry from joy. I'm plural and regression and older/younger dynamics of all kinds, platonic, romantic, and sexual happen in our system exactly for this reason. Both us and our wife's system were abused badly as kids and it has been an incredible outlet because we know that these people ARE safe, that they're not in these relationships to creep or predate on people but because they know that doing things with them occasionally is a healthy coping mechanism compared to the alternative (and also because consanguinamory rocks tbh). Basically, seeing you say that creating a world where those relationships are genuinely healthy is good for some people made us feel WAY better about some stuff we do that we would never tell anyone in our normal life about and I hope this isn't weird and doesn't make you uncomfortable but we've felt so guilty about it for a while despite knowing that it's 100000% healthy in here that seeing that made us feel so good. It felt like someone finally understood exactly how we feel. I can't go of anon or reblog that post or any response to this bc of backlash from people I know but I just wanted to say thank you for that. That changed us for the better.

You know, what's funny is, I don't personally know how you feel AT ALL. I'm not a system. I don't understand age regression. I don't have any childhood trauma I'm coping with.

I've never been there. All of my stories that reflect my own trauma have dark, grizzly endings. (My therapist recently mentioned something like that, in regards to so many of my recent projects having gaslighting as a theme.)

My unhealthy setups (I.E., incest, child/adult) that have happy endings, have them just because I think it suits the characters or the theme. Not for any trauma/coping reason.

But you know what's crazier? Even though I've never been there, I completely understand how you feel. I don't understand why antis can't. Empathy is not that hard.

I understand that stories like this give you comfort. That it helps you. That you can manufacture a situation where you feel safe, like you should have been as a child. I understand that you get something out of these stories that even I, the author, might not fully grasp.

I understand that your thoughts don't make you a bad person, and that you're so fortunate to have a spouse in the same place you are.

I hope that you continue to heal this way. I hope you can someday stop feeling shame, because you truly are not doing anything wrong. It is okay to pretend that the "adults" in this situation are safe and loving, because they really fucking should have been the first time. You deserve to feel protected. You deserve an adult who won't fail you — not this time.

You are breaking a cycle of violence and hatred, anon. Remember that. Every step down the path of healing is one step further from becoming the same people who once hurt you. Don't let anyone make you feel ashamed just because your road is a little unconventional.

[lilmisssona]

𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋 23 Reasons, Why I Love You 𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋

Pairing: Idol Bf! I.N × Fem! Reader

Genre: Angst, Fluff

Word Count: 5.4k+

Warnings and Tags: SMAU, Cursing, Established Relationship, mentions of cheating, basically INNIE'S being a d*ck here, angsty beginning, fluffy at the end.

A/N: My first one ahhh, it's my birthday gift for our maknae on top! It's a bit long so buckle up and Enjoy! ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

Reuse And Translation Not Allowed 🙅‍♀️🚫

✮⋆˙Main Masterlist ✮⋆˙

Four Days. It has been four days, since you last saw Jeongin, your boyfriend. Normally the day gap wouldn't bother you, as you were accustomed to the feeling of being alone.

Your boyfriend being an idol, would leave for days for concerts and interviews; sometimes even weeks...

𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋

But this time its different. This time it was because of an argument. A stupid one at that. Over minimal things, over both of your assumptions.

And you've been fighting your urge everyday to not go knocking at his room and slapping some sense into him. After all it wasn't your fault anyways...

𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋

"Babe, I was only trying to help," You argued. "Really YN ?" " I don't think you are" Jeongin paused before muttering...

" I don't want YOU out of all people to be pitying me "

"Is it that hard to go to a therapist Innie ?"

You softly cooed at him, looking up to his familiar doe eyes...But only an unfamiliar icy cold look stared back at you.

"If not, then let me take care of you, how does a warm bubble bath and some massages sound? ''

You gave his hand a reassuring squeeze and smiled. He flinched and withdrew his hand from yours.

" WHY THE FUCK DO YOU ALL TREAT ME LIKE A BABY ??? " He screamed.

" I'm not a baby anymore! I can take care of myself "

"Why are you..." He broke down, hot tears streaming down his face....

" Why are all of you telling me to do this, do that! I am fucking tired of it !!"

"Channie told me what's going on..."

" You don't sleep much nowadays, are always zoning out in practice and only come out of your bed to eat when the members call to you "

" You know you can always talk to me Innie ''

Your eyes are blurry now because of the tears so you looked down at the floor.

" So this is all a plot you made, so that you can get rid of me. " He glared at you.

" What ?? " You stared back at him, shocked.

" What does going to a therapist and taking care of yourself, have to do anything with me getting rid of you"

" And why would I do that!!!"

"Don't lie to me yn, I know you've been crushing on my best friend, Heesung, since a long time"

" I've seen the texts " He smirked.

" What The Fuck Jeongin ??" You spat back, glaring at him with tears in your eyes.

" What made you even think that I'm cheating on you ?"

"Idk" " You met him behind my back at the cafe last week."

"And you also said, don't tell Jeongin,"

" I watched you get all giggly with him"

"Oh... " You chuckled, relief washed all over you as you realised what's going on.

" You're completely mis reading the situation babe, it's not what it looks like "

" They always say that..." He muttered, clenching his teeth..

" Is that why you've been ignoring all my texts since the last week ?" You asked him calmly.

"You know what leave me actually"

"It'll do us both something good"

" You can finally get the peace you want."

You gasped, his words hitting you like a dagger in your chest.

" Do you even know what you're saying Jeongin ?" You screamed at him.

" Do you know why I met him ? No, right ? "

"Then how can you even assume I cheated on you "

" I don't know YN, it just doesn't seem right"

" I know I haven't been able to give you much time as I've been stressed out recently due to the upcoming comeback"

" I am dead tired inside and you.... " His voice is hoarse from all the crying..

" If you're happier with him, then I guess.."

"Jeongin...if that's what you think of me...I don't think..." You trailed off

" I should leave, I don't think I can do this anymore"

You watched him leave, closing the door behind him, a little too harshly.

𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋

The sound of the oven beeping, made you snap out of your thoughts. You looked around, and lazily got up from your couch to the kitchen.

Taking out the reheated pizza and putting it on a plate, you aimlessly scrolled through channels until you found one, a boring sitcom. You looked at the screen mindlessly and munched on your pizza.

You were half an hour into the plot when a notification popped up on your phone screen.

Picking it up you checked, it was an event reminder...

Reminder: INNIE'S Birthday 🎂 8th Feb

You threw your phone to the other end of the couch in frustration. You buried your head in your hands as fresh tears streamed down your face.

Oh how excited you were, to plan his first birthday. It was also your first anniversary with him. As this was the day, 8 Feb, one year ago, that you met him, in a cafe....

𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋

You two hit it off immediately, talking till hours until the cafe owners kicked you out. After a few weeks of dating, he asked you out officially to be his girlfriend.

You finally thought you found the one, he's the most amazing human being and the sweetest boyfriend.

Sure, it hasn't always been pink skies and rosy days, you have had your differences. He was away most of the time. But you understood...

You understood how difficult it is the manage the idol life as it is, let alone having a hidden relationship at that.

Because the moments you two shared together, melted all your loneliness and worries away. But now everything has changed.

The once familiar face of your smiley boy now gave an unfamiliar, immense pain in your chest.

What have you even done wrong, anyways ? You were planning a surprise party for him.

You wanted everything to be perfect. So you were taking tips from Heesung on which dishes he misses the most from his hometown.

Not that you don't know. But you wanted to make sure its to his liking. And also you wanted to invite Heesung to Jeongin's birthday.

It was going to be a surprise one, so you wanted Heesung to distract him anyhow, from going to your home that day.

At Least until 5:30 as you'll have everything ready by that time.... But he thought you...were...cheating on him. Oh how could he even think of that ?

" Don't lie to me yn, I know you've been crushing on my best friend, Heesung, since a long time."

" You know what leave me actually" "It'll do us both something good "

" Crushing on Heesung ?" "Since when did he think that I am crushing on his best friend ?"

You muttered to yourself.

Heesung is nothing but like an older brother to you and an amazing friend. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Another notification popped up on your phone. You got up again from your seat, to pick up your phone that you threw away at the other end of the couch. It was a text from Chan.

You read the messages but decided to not reply to them. It's been 4 days since the fight. And your pride will always get in the way to even bother to message him. After all it wasn't your fault he assumed such shitty things about you.

Still, your heart was not made of steel. There was still a soft spot behind it that was missing him, your boyfriend. So reluctantly, you picked up the phone again and replied to the message.

Grabbing your coat from the hanger, you stepped out of the house around 7:45. The breeze outside chilled you to the bones.

So you tucked your hands inside your coat pockets. You missed the warmth of your boyfriend's hands.... Sighing, you put your head down and walked through the path to the cafe....

𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋

A familiar scent of freshly ground coffee beans greeted you as you opened the door of the cafe.

Chan was already waiting at the corner table and waved at you when he saw you walking through the door.

"You're here!"

"Sorry to make you wait." you smiled at him.

"I've already ordered your usuals, they should be here soon" He nervously smiled.

"Thank you Channie '' You replied, shifting your gaze suddenly to look at a couple on the right of your table.

Reading your expressions, Chan cleared his throat and spoke " So, umm, about Jeongin.."

" Right, how's he ? " You nervously replied as you fidgeted with your hands.

"Not good, '' Chan replied.

" He still doesn't talk to us or reply to our messages, let alone come out of the room"

You sighed, taking a sip from your cup of coffee

"We had an argument"

" Four days ago... " you replied to Chan, who nodded in understanding.

"He thought I was cheating on him..."

"What ?" " How could that boy even think of that..." He huffed in annoyance.

"I was planning his birthday party with Heesung"

" So I met him at another cafe a few times and discussed the surprise plan"

" Apparently he followed me one day and saw that I was laughing and talking with Heesung"

" And that idiot assumed the worst ?" He sighed and touched his temples.

"Seriously, I really have to talk some sense into him..."

" There's no point anyways..." You took a deep breath to calm yourself.

" He has changed..."

"No he's not,"

" I know him since long enough, so I know he's not changed..."

And Chan indeed knew him long enough to know that he's sulking, regretting all his life decisions...

𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋

Jeongin was tossing and turning in bed. Not a blink of sleep in his eyes. He felt frustrated, angry even.

How the heck can he even accuse his girlfriend of such a thing. She has been nothing but a wonderful girlfriend to him all year.

She was his sunshine and he was her smiley boy. How could he even think that Heesung and you were cheating behind his back ?

He muffled his screams into the pillow as tears streamed down his face.

He confronted Heesung that same day... Heesung was shocked, explaining to his friend, they had been meeting for a surprise party planned for him.

He was too ashamed to go back to your house now. Too ashamed to tell the members that he fucked up.

So he found his escape behind the closed doors of his dorm room. And that's where he's been camping, since the past three days....

He regrets everyday the things he told you that day. He was really stressed since the past weeks for the upcoming comeback.

He was so exhausted to the point of slacking in practices. The routine was killing him mentally and physically.

He was depressed, maybe...he thought. However, that didn't give him the right to lash out at you.

But when he saw your texts last week with Heesung with the code word - " Don't Tell Jeongin 🤫''

He was hurt, shocked even. Something in his mind told him to follow you and so he did... He watched you get all giggly with Heesung.

"Why do these two look so good together? ''

He angrily muttered to himself. He couldn't take it anymore. He left the scene, heartbroken…

Since that day he's just sleeping and practising everyday. He didn't even want to eat but when the members called for him collectively, he just sighed and came downstairs and ate.

When he finally got an off day to came home, he immediately packed his stuff and left for your house.

Seeing you coax him for a therapist snapped something in him as the next thing you know, he was spitting fire at you with his harsh words.

Oh how he thought you were cheating and even thinking of breaking up with you.

He left the scene before you can tell him what happened....

𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋

" How about you two talk it out with each other, tomorrow before midnight strikes ?" Chan asked.

" What do you mean ?" You curiously replied.

" I mean I'll slap that idiot out of bed and talk some sense into him"

" Then you two can meet at a designated place, and can talk it out wholeheartedly ?"

He let out a nervous chuckle, unsure of what you'll reply.

" That's not a bad idea, actually, but the pain is still there Channie, '' You sheepishly smiled at him.

" I don't think I can handle another argument, if it comes to that..." You buried your face in your hands.

" I thought he was the love of my life, but now...I don't know anymore... "

" Hey, hey, its ok YN if you don't wanna do this '' Chan reassured you.

'' But remember it's 27 hours to strike midnight 8 Feb."

" And I don't want to get your first birthday as well as your first anniversary with him to get ruined."

" But if you don't want to do anything I'll understand and make him understand too "

" Because at the end, it's up to you to, as you're not the one in the fault.."

You sat back and pondered a little over your thoughts. Talking out your differences is actually a very great idea, as you two can decide whether or not it's good to stay together again.

But the hiccups of something bad happening plagued your mind again and you massage your temples in frustration

" You know what Channie ?"

" Mhm ?" Chan replied.

" I'll let you know by tomorrow morning ?"

" That sounds good " Chan beamed as he packed his stuff from the table.

" Leaving already ?" You asked.

" Yes I have to prepare something for tomorrow.."

" What do you mean ?" You asked in confusion.

'' You'll know if you say yes " He smiled as you two waved each other goodbyes....

Hurriedly, you stepped foot into the house. The bitter cold biting your bones and everything underneath.

You immediately turned on the heater and removed your coat. You sat back on your couch and took a deep breath.

" Is it really worth to talk about it ?" You muttered to yourself.

" He was the best I had, but after what happened 4 days ago..."

" I don't know....uggggh!!"

You cried out in frustration wondering if you can face him again.

" But like Channie said, it doesn't hurt to get closure..." You thought.

" We can talk out our differences and if he still stays the same..."

" I will..." " Leave him" You shivered at the thought.

Thinking of the worst, yet still determined to get closure, you picked up your phone and messaged Chan.

𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋

" Hyung it's 6 in the morning, let me fucking sleep! Stop knocking please!!!" Jeongin screamed as he heard continuous knocks and kicks at his door.

" Not until you come out!" Chan screamed.

" I'll keep kicking the door Jeongin!! ''

Chan never called his sweet maknae by his name. It was always Innie or something sweet. So when Jeongin heard his name, he knew it was serious.

"Fine! If you don't open the door, you might lose your only chance to see yn again.." Chan screamed.

Hearing those words, something stirred in him and he hurriedly opened the door....Chan was shocked to see his condition. His hair was dishevelled, there were bags under his eyes as if he hadn't slept for days...he looked so weak, so tired.

" Oh My God..." Chan gasped as if he just saw a ghost. " Innie...I..my god"

" I know I look like shit Hyung '' Jeongin huffed.

Tears suddenly started brimming his eyes, as he looked down at the floor.

" I fucked up hyung " "I..I...lost yn, my love..." He cried.

" Hey it might not be so late, she still hasn't left Seoul yet..."

" Her flight to go back to her hometown, tonight is at 9:30 pm"

" We still have a lot of time to make it up to her" Chan reassured Jeongin.

" Hyung, I don't think...she will take me back" Jeongin spoke in between his sobs.

"Tell me Innie, do you love her ?" Chan asked calmly.

" More than I love myself"

" She means the world to me, she's the sweetest and kindest human being and I am so so lucky to have her" Jeongin wiped his tears as he spoke.

" Then why don't you show her ?"

" Show what ?" He asked curiously.

" That how much you love her, how much she means to you and what you will do to never break her heart again"

A light bulb sparked in his head as Chan spoke to him about the plan... He nodded and agreed to everything.

" Let's get you a makeover first and some fresh clothes"

Chan spoke as he covered his nose playfully

" You kinda smell ngl"

" Shut up!" Jeongin punched Him playfully in the stomach as Chan laughed.

" So the plan's set, lets call it, 23 Reasons, Why I Love You "

"You're so cheesy Hyung " Jeongin rolled his eyes.

" Hey someone has to be the romantic one here " Chan chuckled.

" You're right, Let's do this!"

Jeongin smiled with a newfound determination in his eyes as they both stepped out of his room to the living room.

" What, Jeongin did what ?! " Minho glared at Jeongin as he heard what happened from Chan.

" Yes my boy, you seriously fucked up " Hyunjin spoke soon after.

" I know that Hyune " Jeongin rolled his eyes.

" We came here to ask for your help not to listen to the obvious "

" What's with the attitude ?" Minho asked him in annoyance.

" Sorry, I am just so nervous, I don't want anything wrong to happen. Please hyung.... "

He pleaded to Minho, with his big doe eyes.

" Ugghh fine, Innie" Minho sighed,

" Just don't ever do this to them again "

" I promise it will never happen again."

" I will turn a new leaf "

" Then I'll bring the dishes by 5 then while its still hot."

" And I'll find some time in between the breaks to paint something before 5" Hyunjin spoke after minho.

" Right, practice..." He sighed,

" I missed out on so much for 4 days "

" Don't stress, we've convinced our manager for two more days off for you so that you can be with ynnie tomorrow and the day after..." Minho smiled reassuring him.

" Really ?" " You're a lifesaver hyung "

" Just don't think this will happen everyday " Minho snickered,

" My favours are only valid for limited hours of time"

" Understood!"

" Now go get some facials or something, you look horrible"

Jeongin gasped at Hyunjin's words.

" Ughh rude Hyune "

" What ? I spoke the truth " Hyunjin rolled his eyes.

" Fine I'm going with Channie hyung"

" Please keep the things ready before I return, I request"

" Don't worry, we got you bro! " Han replied as he arrived.

Jeongin whispered a thank you to everyone before leaving with Chan...

𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋

Meanwhile, you were throwing away every cloth you can find in your closet.

" Uggh, I look ugly in this " You cried.

" Nooo, this makes me feel bloated "

You were frustrated. You were trying on dresses for an hour but nothing seems to fit you.

" I don't have time for shopping " You cried to the thin air in frustration.. Just then, right on cue you heard a knock on the door. Cautiously you opened the door...

" Delivery for YN/LN ?"

" Yes that's me " you replied.

" But I didn't order anything ?..." You asked confused.

" Mr. Jeongin told me to deliver this to you "

" Ahhh, I see " You now understood what this is for. You thanked the delivery man and took your parcel back to your room.

Eagerly, you opened it and gasped.... It was a beautiful blue and white themed outfit, curated for you.

There was a beautiful blue knitted dress, a white coat, white boots and a cute blue bag. There was also a note attached to it.

'' Please let me make it up to you, one last time "

" Meet me at 5:30 there... J "

You smiled when you read his initials.

You gasped when you realised you're blushing.

" Ugh, YN'' You slapped your cheek. " Get it together, it's just a talk with him, not a date..." You sighed and stared at the box of clothes, contemplating if you should wear it..

" Fine, I'll wear it, I guess. '' You quickly wore your outfit on and did your makeup. You heard the alarm suddenly indicating its 5 now.

" Shit, I should leave now, or I'll be late"

Your uber arrived minutes after, and you reached the hotel. You took a deep breath as you stepped inside the vast doors of it.

" Hi, I am a guest of Mr. Jeongin ? Room no 23, I suppose"

You nervously spoke to the lady, at the front desk. She checked your name and your ids. After checking everything, she smiled and director you to the elevator.

Thanking her, you entered the elevator and pressed the buttons. It was on the 7th floor. As every floor passed by you, your heart beat increased. The dread of something worse happening hurts your chest so bad. You cursed yourself for overthinking so much.

The doors opened and you were greeted by a long corridor. You stepped out and walked to the end of the passage. There it was Room No. 23. You took a deep breath and opened the door....

𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋

It was pitch black inside, as you turned the knob and entered

" Jeongin ?" You called out to the thin air, but to no answered.

" What the hell! Am I in the wrong room ?" You muttered to yourself... Confused and somewhat scared of the dark you decided to leave when the door suddenly shut in front of you, covering you in pitch black darkness.

You panicked and tried to bang on the door when a text popped up

Innie💕 : Look behind

Still half confused, you turned around and gasped....

There was a beautiful trail laden with candles and pink roses that led to the bedroom...

You were surprised yet curious. So you followed the path...

Every step on the floor had something written -:

🌹You're the most beautiful woman in the world🌹

🌹The kindest and sweetest🌹

🌹So lucky to have you🌹

🌹So proud of your accomplishments🌹

🌹You're my best friend🌹

🌹I am so sorry🌹

And then the last one,

🌹Please give me another chance🌹

You took the last step and reached the bedroom and looked up and gasped again....

It was beautifully decorated with balloons and floral wreaths everywhere. There was a heart made with roses in the middle of the bed There was also something written in the middle of the heart, with flowers and twigs -

" I love you to the moon and back" You giggled seeing it.

"Innie ?"

You called out, but there was no one... You looked around, there was a beautiful bouquet of flowers on your left..

." Lilac and pink roses" your favourite, you thought. There was also a tray of your favourite food laid out, closed off with a transparent lid so that it stays warm.

"Mandu, Katsu rice and Jjajangmyeon ?" You giggled. There was a gorgeous painting of you on your right.

" Oh wow, thats me " you gasped.

You thought of how this was all Jeongin's plan to make it up to you. But the man of the hour was to be seen nowhere... You searched for him in the bathroom, the balcony and back to the living room. He was nowhere to be seen. You were lost in your thoughts, when suddenly you heard something....

**I never meant to break your heart, my love**

**But I stumbled down the road, just like a fool

does**

**I let my ego lead the way, oh, how it blinds**

**Now I'm left here searching for the words to

make it right...**

There he was, standing behind you, wearing a white shirt and blue trousers. His hair was brushed out nicely.

"He looked so handsome," you thought.

He played the guitar as he sang again.

**Heartfelt apologies, can't you see?**

**I'm drowning in regrets, oh, set me free**

**Let me show you, darling, let me prove**

**That my love for you is strong, and oh, so true*

You giggled and clapped as he finished his song with a bow.

" What's all this ?" You asked.

He didn't say anything, instead he held your hand and walked you from the bedroom to the bed. Confused, you tagged along... He motioned to sit on the bed as he sat himself. He then finally spoke...

" YN, I am truly so sorry for what I have done..."

" Will you please give me another chance ? I beg you "

" Jeongin, I understand that you're sorry but the words you told me that day hurt me so badly and honestly...I don't anymore"

You sniffled a little as you looked at him..

" YN, I am so sorry..."

" I don't know what came over me that day. '' He looked down as tears clouded his vision.

" The stress of the comeback burnt me out so much everyday..."

" The stress was too much to bear "

" You could've at least told me that you're suffering so much " you replied.

" Last week, when I was home and saw you giggling on the phone... I couldn't help but be curious, so as you left to shower, I went through your phone and saw the messages.."

" There it was, messages exchanged between you and Heesung, to meet that evening"

" And a - Don't tell Jeongin! at the end "

" When you told me, you're going shopping, my heart broke..."

" You were lying to me, I thought " " So I followed you and saw you there, at the cafe"

" Giggling and blushing with Heesung, my friend"

" My heart to shattered to pieces..."

" Everything I had, I was losing it..."

" I lost myself, I was lacking at work and now you..." He broke down in tears.

" Innie, I had no idea this is how you felt, I'm so sorry. "

" No, I'm the one at fault"

" I was so clouded in my head, overthinking everything and I assumed the worst..."

" I started slacking at work after that, didn't eat, didn't sleep much"

" The members were disappointed in me " And then when you told me to go see a therapist..." He spoke in between sobs...

" I don't know why, Something broke in me.." "

I thought I am a failure and everyone wanted to get rid of me..." you squeezed his hand to reassure him...

" Innie, these meetings were just for planning your surprise birthday party"

" I couldn't hold it any longer that day." " I snapped at you, telling you we should break up..." He buried his face in his hands.

" Innie please don't cry, its not your fault...I shouldn't have lied to you, I am really sorry " You replied.

" When I called Heesung that day " He continued, after wiping his tears.

" I realised I fucked up so bad"

" It was all planning for my birthday"

" I felt so ashamed of myself. I thought you will never want to see my face." You wiped his tears with your hands.

" So I hid in my dorm room and didn't get out untill today...."

" I am truly so sorry ynnie, I hope you can forgive me one day.."

"Innie " You held his hand.

" I am so sorry I have made you feel like that " He looked back at you,

" Before you leave for your flight, let me make it up to you, one last time ? "

" My flight ? " you asked confused.

" Yeah it's at 9:30 right ? Channie hyung told me"

" But I don't have any flight, I'm not going anywhere... "

" But Channie hyung...Oh "

He realised it was all a plan by his Channie hyung to get him out. He looked at you with hopeful eyes.

" So you're not going anywhere ? " he asked.

" No " you replied.

Suddenly, he hugged you tightly. You were surprised by this but melted in his arms as he held you tight. You missed this. He smelled of the familiar cologne you loved so much. It felt like bliss, like old times....You two pulled away after sometime.

" If you're not going then let me show you, How much I love you"

" Let me show you 23 Reasons why I love you "

" Why 23 " you chuckled.

He cupped your face in his hands.

" 23 is a very significant number in our relationship."

" 5:23 was the time we met on the 8th of Feb an year ago."

" It was on the 23th of March that I asked you out to be my girlfriend. We've been together since 321 days, 2 hours and 23 minutes"

" Oh my gosh, you remembered ?" You smiled.

" That's not all, I promise you that I'll be the best version of myself "

" You make me complete yn and I wouldn't have it any other way "

" You're the most kindest and beautiful person in this whole world... " "I am so so lucky to have you "

Tears streamed down your face as you smiled at him. He's very sincere this time, you thought. Suddenly he went down on one knee

" Will you, my sunshine, make your smiley boy happy again for forever and ever "

You put your hands on your mouth and gasped

" Oh My God are you proposing ?"

" No its a promise ring actually "

" It's a promise from me to you that I'll be the man, you wished to be with "

" I'll go to therapy, I'll work on myself and be the best version of the person, you fell in love with "

" Innie, what if we fight again ?" You asked, cursing yourself inside for overthinking again.

" I promise to you that I will never raise your voice at you "

" I'll be there for you as much as I can "

" Even if I have to fight with my managers, I will"

" I'll leave the company if it comes to that "

You squeezed his hand.

" Innie, I trust you, just promise that you'll share everything with me, however good and bad, instead of suffering by yourself "

" I promise "

" Then I'll gladly accept this ring, my smiley boy " He eagerly put the ring through your left ring finger, it was a gorgeous diamond princess solitaire ring. It was simple yet so beautiful. You widely smiled as you looked at it, glistening in your finger.

Grabbing him by his neck you kissed him. He melted as your lips touched his, he deepened the kiss as if you two were longing for this. Both of you giggled as you pulled away slowly, breathless.

" Woo-hoo " There was a pop and clap sound as you looked at the living room. All the skz boys were standing there smiling as you two pulled away.

You were a little embarrassed thinking of how long were they watching you two.

" Congratulations you guys, so happy for you " Chan beamed.

" I knew it, he can do it! " Minho exclaimed

" Did she like the painting and the song lyrics ? I wrote them!" Hyunjin spoke from behind.

" I bet she did!" Han high fived Hyunjin As he spoke.

" Seungmin, are you crying ?" Felix asked him, shocked " Shut up, I am just happy for these two " Seungmin replied. " Yes, very happy " Changbin wiped a tear in his eyes ith his thumb.

Both of you smiled as you looked at the scene. He held your hand as both of you walked to the boys, who were smiling and cheering for you.

A new beginning has started for you. With his hand in your hand, a new promise has begun to keep the relationship going.

No matter what comes, you two are in it together, forever and ever!

𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒𓂃🦋

A/N: This is the end! Thank you for sticking by for so long. I had so much fun making this, I hope you like it too ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

Make Sure to like, reblog and comment!

Taglist: @atinyniki @minholing @cheesemonky @bunnystruggles @michelle4eve @writingforstraykids @skzoologist

@iknowyouknowminho @krisstheidiot @hyunjinhoexxx @livelovelaughmiko

@teenageshepherdpeachfan @gho-ster @b1nn1e-1s-cut3

@seungseung-minmin @ezlynkisses

@elmoslungcancer @cuddlylonelyperson

Let me know if you want to be added or removed from the list! (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶)

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia

I hope this question isn't too personal and please don't answer if it is. You have mentioned getting help for your adhd with medication. What medication has helped you or made the biggest difference?

I was diagnosed with adhd a year ago and was put on Elvanse but it hasn't helped and just makes me incredibly anxious and unable to focus.

I'm trying to research what other medication I could try but my doctor isn't being very helpful because according to them "adhd isn't a disability".

I'd love to be able to get some reprieve from this condition, it's destroying my life, so if you're willing to share info on what's helped you it would be hugely appreciated.

Thank you

Hiya anon,

(Medical chat and thoughts under the Read More and as I'm not a doctor and have no idea what I'm doing or talking about, I'm putting the rest under a thingo).

Unfortunately, while meds helped me work a bit better (although you know, I'm burnt out, and I'm writing the least I've written since I started writing, so actually I'm not sure that starting 'too many stories at the same time' is actually 'a bit better' than how it was before), mostly ADHD does run rampant over my life. I can't work conventional work hours, I forget important things, I have massive issues with executive dysfunction, and I zone in and out of conversations more often than I'd like.

I take Vyvanse, which - sounding from what you're taking - is probably the same thing. *googles quickly* Yep, it is.

ADHD meds are hard. It's definitely worth trying different ones, if you can, as well as different dosages (for example, a higher dose of Elvanse might work better for you, a lower dose might). There's also quick acting / fast release ADHD meds. And there's atypical meds like Atomoxetine (also known as Strattera) which some people find really good fortune with.

Finally, if you have no luck with any ADHD meds, it might be important to do a differential diagnosis with other conditions that might mimic ADHD symptoms (of which there are many mental illnesses that do this), because in those cases, you may find that the medication treatments for them help you WAY more.

Recently someone I know who has been on lithium all her life found out she was massively misdiagnosed, and actually had something else. Lithium doesn't suit almost any other condition, except for what she was diagnosed with, which explains why she never improved at all on it and actually got worse. She thought there was something wrong with her, the reality was that there was something wrong with her diagnosis. I'm not saying this is the case with you! BUT, when none of the meds work, and they all give you the opposite of what they're supposed to be doing, it is definitely worth chasing up other diagnoses. If you go to get an ADHD assessment, often those people don't look at the other potential culprits for the same symptoms, esp if they're ADHD specialists. (This is the same for just about any mental health or disorder - sometimes if you get a hammer than can only hit ADHD nails, it's going to miss the other nails.)

But yeah, it's very likely not the case for you anon, but after this other person's experience, I'd feel remiss if I don't point out that if - after a long time of trying / exhausting med options - you find you have no joy, sometimes it's because you're in the wrong 'family' of meds for what you have going on.

(I am not a doctor, just relating anecdotal stuff.)

I don't know if you'll have more luck asking your doc for specific meds. Unfortunately in Australia, ADHD is also not considered a disability, despite the fact that it is clearly disabling for hundreds of thousands of people here. I'm really sorry you're having to deal with those attitudes too, anon.

And finally, no ADHD med is perfect. It might help some things, and hinder others. But it definitely shouldn't be making things worse. It might be worth taking a bit of a holiday from the meds (if your doctor / therapist agrees) and mood tracking for a while before starting back on them, to see how bad of a difference it is.

There are unfortunately not a ton of meds specifically for ADHD. Most are variations of a similar kind of med (stimulants), and everyone has different experiences based off their chemical make-up and what they need. My sister gets really intense emotional blunting on Vyvanse, I get more emotional. We're related, and we still have pretty big differences with med responses on the same meds.

I wish I could be more help! My own life is a complete mess for the most part, I wouldn't say I'm someone who has this all figured out at all. I should be on a higher dose, but unfortunately I have other health stuff going on which means I can't be, so I'm just going to have to put up with a fair amount of disabling ADHD forever.

[kouvrse]

thunderstorm.

with an s/o who's afraid of thunder / thunder sounds.

ft. haikyū captains. ( part I. )

warnings : crying , shaking (?) , mentions of thunderstorms / loud sounds, flinching, tell me if i missed anything.

daichi sawamura.

he never knew that you feared thunderstorms, actually. not until you were both cuddling in his room, and it was raining really hard that day.

you were on top of him, resting your head into his chest, silently praying that the rain would go away any sooner. but while you were lost into your thoughts, you the loud crack of the thunderstorms, making you flinch, and cry silently.

daichi felt that there was something wet in his chest, checking up on you to see if you were crying, and turns out you were.

“ hey, it's okay, i'm here. ” daichi says with a calming voice, while rubbing little circles in your back.

“ daichi... ” you mutter.

“ i'm here, love. no need to be scared. ” he said with his typical loving tone.

oikawa tooru.

he was watching dateko and karasuno's match that night, he was watching it with you.

“ woah...that quick of #9 and #10 is crazy... ” you commented.

“ but... they're still no match for you. your serves are literally so violent that if i try to recieve that kind of serve, i feel my arms will break. ” you added, which made tooru chuckle.

“ i know, but when will you stop being so cute? ” you heard oikawa said, while still focused on the match.

“ maybe..if pigs finally fly... ” you replied.

“ oh? but i prefer you always being this cute. ” he says, before placing a soft kiss in your cheeks.

the both of you were so focused on the match, that you didn't even realized it was raining hard.

you were focused on the match, not until the sound of the thunderstorm interrupted you, suddenly making cry.

“ y/n-chan? what happened? ” oikawa asked. the worry in his tone was evident.

“ hey, listen to me. ” oikawa says, holding both of your hands, darting your full attention to him.

“ inhale... exhale... ” he commands. and you do as he says.

he gives you a headpat, “ are you feeling better now? ”

you nod in response, which made oikawa smile.

“ when you hear thunderstorms out of nowhere, and i'm not with you, just do that thing we did recently, 'mkay? ”

“ mhm. ” you said, snuggling closer to him.

kuroo tetsurou.

kuroo knows you have a fear with thunderstorms. he knew it since the both of you were little. whenever you were scared, kuroo was there to help you with your fears. he rubs your back up and down whenever you get scared, exactly what he is dping right now.

“ you're fear in thunder really stayed, huh? ” he says, while gently rubbing your back up and down.

“ it's not my fault that i still get scared when i hear a thunderstorm. it's my body's reaction. ” you said.

“ you know, you don't have to worry, or be scared. i'm always here. if you need someone to talk to. ”

right. kuroo always told you that thing whenever you get scared, or you have some problems.

but sometimes you don't really come running at him whenever you have a problem. you tend to keep it yourself, because you worry that he'd get tired being your therapist. you don't want that, of course.

“ even though sometimes you try to solve your problems by your own. just remember i'm here if you need someone to rant to. ” he added.

“ how'd you know that? ” you asked.

kuroo shrugs, “ i just know it. ”

bokuto koutaro.

bokuto immediately noticed that flinch when you heard the thunder. he knows you're afraid loud sounds, especially the sound of thunder, since your ears are very sensitive when it comes to loud sounds.

“ hey, are you okay? do you want me to make your favorite drink so you can calm down? ” bokuto offers.

you nod, “ y-yeah, i guess that'll help. ”

“ alright. stay here okay? i'll be back. ” bokuto says, before going downstairs.

after a few minutes, you saw bokuto with your favorite drink. oh how you loved it when he does little things like this.

“ here, ” bokuto offers. you took the drink from him, and took a sip,

“ thankyou for helping me calm down, kou. you're the best boyfriend ever! i love you so much. ” you said, before placing a kiss on his cheeks.

“ hehe, i love you too. baby owl! ”

© kouvrse — do not steal, copy, and reupload my works in any platform.

[letmereadinpeace4]

I finally finished Apollo Justice Ace Attorney and.... I have mixed feelings.

Mostly for me, the game can be summarized as good ideas, bad or (not as good as the idea deserved) execution.

See I like many of the new ideas. I love the idea of a new protagonist Phoenix has to mentor. It feels like a logical progression of his character. I am okay with Phoenix losing his badge because of a problem in the judicial system and him scheming for seven years to solve the problem. I love Trucy and her being Phoenix's adopted daughter. I like Ema becoming more cynical because she failed her exam. As far as the cases go, I like many of the twists in theory and the idea of the first and the last cases being connected was absolutely brilliant, as the first cases often feel very tutorial-ish (although they reused that idea from the third game of the first trilogy, I still give them point for following on an idea that worked).

The biggest problem for me was the direction they took the game in and the "moral" they wanted to make, which didn't really fit with the rest of the games. I have no problem with a jury system being implemented, I think it's a good idea, but the game didn't earn it and didn't explain why this was the logical, best conclusion to improve the law system. The justification they give is flawed at best, as the lack of evidence has only been a problem in few instances over the course of the games.

(Also, the fact that they genuinely say that it's a good idea to rely on the citizen's common sense is laughable with recent events. Like, you're sure about that buddies?!)

The problem is that the lack of evidence has never been a problem in the Ace Attorney franchise. The problem is and has always been, even in that game, the corruption and the incompetence of the people in charge of maintaining the law : the detectives, the prosecution office and, in this game, the defense office. Need I remind that the chief of police was found corrupt as far back as the first game, that at least three prosecutors were found to be guilty of some crimes (with two of them being charged for murder), that the detectives involved are incompetent (Gumshoe) or unmotivated (Ema), that the defense has no access to the prosecution's witnesses and evidence and also has the burden to find the real culprit if they want to get a non-guilty verdict for their own client, even if they have proved with 100% certainty that the defendant couldn't have committed the murder.

Furthermore, the short timeframe given to investigate and trial the cases pretty much exacerbates the problems I have mentioned. The detectives and the prosecution do not have time to properly investigate, causing them to miss evidence or not investigate other possible suspects. No wonder then they are overly aggressive, pressure witnesses or manipulate evidence.

These for me sound like the far bigger problems, and the jury system does not resolve them at all! At best, it puts more eyes on what the prosecution does, but who cares! The judge can barely keep them in check, you think random citizens will?! In this situation, with that system, implementing the jury system feels like having a great illness and only being given paracetamol to fix the headaches. Like thank you but it's not really addressing the actual issue is it?

And it's a pain because I want to see more of the characters introduced in that game: Apollo, Trucy, Klavier, even stand noodle guy who was, surprisingly, probably my favorite of the people involved in the cases.

Also Vera was totally abused by her father and I am not sorry at all he's dead! He deserved worse! Dude locked up his daughter for her entire life in their apartment and got her involved in illegal activities, including forging evidence, because he couldn't get off his ass and find a normal fucking job when his career as a painter didn't take off. I know she has trauma, but dude couldn't get her a therapist, or read self-help books, or anything beside locking her up inside and stunting her social skills forever! Fuck that dude! And fuck Zak Gramarye too! If he had just revealed what had actually transpired during his talk with his mentor and shown his mentor's will, none of this would have happen (I'm still not clear on why he didn't. Why the need for secrecy!?). And fuck him for abandoning his daughter too !

Actually a lot of fathers/mentors involved in that case are criminals or completely suck. Even Phoenix isn't that great as a mentor. Were the writers in that game working through something?

[many-but-one]

i dunno if you guys answer asks but what’s the best way to start… remembering? our social worker suggested hypnotherapy but i don’t know if that works well. we’re aware of the possibility of ramcoa trauma happening and have a few memories but we don’t know how to go about piecing things together

We do answer asks! We just forget we have an askbox sometimes. This one caught my attention in particular due to the mention of hypnotherapy and a possibility of RAMCOA trauma.

Obligatory “I’m not a therapist I’m just a random system on tumblr and you should make your own informed decisions on your own mental health.”

So if you suspect RAMCOA trauma in your history I would advise to be extremely careful and/or cautious about pursuing hypnotherapy. We have never done hypnotherapy and never will because hypnosis is a very common mode that programmers will use to create a dissociated state in a child. Hypnosis therefore is extremely triggering to us and if your system has parts who are programmed to run when hypnosis begins, it could cause a risk to your system’s stability.

As for tips on how to remember, all I will say is that you should probably consider the factors that make you unable to remember at this time.

Common reasons why amnesia can be strong/worsen for systems (side note: these are all personal experiences or experiences I’ve heard from other systems):

stress in daily life often causes amnesia barriers to strengthen or worsen

a lot of trauma has already recently come out. Especially in the case of HC-DID or C-DID where higher ups can often control amnesia levels to an extent, your gatekeepers will often increase amnesia levels if trauma has already recently slipped out to avoid even more slipping out

you are still having to consistently interact with someone who was involved in or complicit in your trauma. If you are living with your dad who you think is kind of a dick but not that bad and suddenly get memories that he tortured you, living with that person will become nearly impossible for your wellbeing. Gatekeepers will often keep stuff locked down when you are still having to be in contact with past abusers

you are not in a stable position to begin to receive trauma memories. People with CPTSD, a CDD, etc often report that they function fine enough when they are living in an abusive environment, but once they leave that environment and can truly relax, that’s when memories and flashbacks start hitting them and they become nearly nonfunctional despite being in a significantly calmer and safer environment. That’s your body and mind finally leaving fight or flight mode and when you truly get to relax for the first time it’s going to hit you like a truck.

Take it from a host that dug too much too soon and learned things way too fast: slow the fuck down. /meant gently. Your memories will surface in time. There is no rush to figure everything out. Trust me, the more you start learning the more you will probably be like “damn actually I don’t wanna know any more this is getting pretty bad” and by then your system will be like “WELL THAT’S TOO DAMN BAD.”

I had to get pulled from the host team for nearly a year because of how bad digging for memories fucked me up. Granted, I ended up taking up inner caretaking and inner deprogramming and now that our system is very nearly completely deprogrammed, my inner world job is less necessary so I can return to full time host business. There were several other factors that also led to me being unable to host again for so long, such as programmed parts constantly attacking and harming host team members (couldn’t handle that I am Fragile) and also having a harder time speaking in an American accent and masking my English one due to a series of splits that happened after we got divorced from our ex wife. I can mask my accent better now and my distress tolerance is much higher now due to having worked with programmed parts internally for so long, which makes me able to return to main host stuff and not get absolutely mentally destroyed anytime I experience a flashback or programmed response or an attack from a programmed part anymore.

If you have RAMCOA trauma, no matter if it was stuff from a single parent or a high control group, none of it will be fun to learn. It will be some of the most devastating, heart-wrenching, soul-crushing things you will ever experience, seeing flashbacks of your kid self being harmed in ways no human should be harmed, let alone an innocent kid. And I’m not saying you’re trying to learn for the fun of it, I’m assuming you want to learn for two reasons at least:

1) you’re in denial and need proof

2) you want to help your system heal

What I did to help myself through these two things were this:

When I experienced denial, such as when a part told me something or showed me something, I would just default to believing them no matter if I thought something like that could ever happen. My kid self deserves to have someone believe them. We were never believed as a kid, nobody paid attention, we were ignored. I’m never doing that to myself ever again. If the memory turns out to be a pseudomemory, or you realize maybe this didn’t really happen the way you thought, you’ll figure that out when you get there and that doesn’t mean you were faking it.

As for wanting to help my system heal, I learned I actually didn’t need to know as much info as I thought I needed to know to help my system heal. The extent of what I know now is a few visuals, that’s it. I have seen maybe about a dozen visual memories (not even in their entirety, often just 1 or 2 seconds of something) and the rest is just “this is what happened” as told to me by my parts. It’s like reading a horrible story, I’m incredibly detached from it. But the things I have seen have helped me learn to take my parts seriously when they tell me what happened. I catalogue their triggers, I learn what to avoid, I learn how to positively trigger out other parts who can help, I work on inner communication, etc. I don’t need to know all the details yet, that will come later. For now, I can teach my parts who haven’t seen the light of day for 15 years how to ground in the present and show them healthy coping skills. I can give them the comfort and love they always deserved. I don’t need to know what happened to do that. I can know it’s bad because they got triggered out when I looked in the mirror and they saw my red lipstick and freaked. I can know it’s bad because they internally look like a doll with no limbs or a young girl with no eyes and only a mouth full of teeth. I don’t need to see what made them that way/remember what made them that way to help them.

I hope my answer helped anon! Good luck!

-Dori 🌹(she/he/they)

[patchdotexe]

doip. / 10.4.24: i was paying attention, i swear

von is here! hi von. what's your social security number

(nyx's fiance Von is now spectating! welcome to the Skeleton Crew, we're all insane. also i was running late because i had to see if vikingpilot was wearing the cat ears skin i made)

LAST TIME, ON STORM LORD'S WRATH!: i got distracted trying to stop pepper from eating cables. uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

im being so good at staying on task. recording means that im being held accountable. i will be strong i did however have to go chase pepper out of my room. tragic

oh no nyx what did you do. everyone is freaking out about something in the stables and nyx mentioned there's a surprise at the bottom of the stairs. oh noooooo hey dauble. dauble did you resurrect some horses. "horses" last night the horses were dead. this morning the horses are now. "alive". dauble is not elaborating. alidaar would really like dauble to elaborate. dauble casted animate dead! which is not a normal druid thing because im pretty sure dauble isn't circle of spores. im pretty sure dauble took a level in cleric at some point with their costume change but

alidaar is finally starting to twig that something is Up with dauble. took him long enough. arepo has nudged alidaar to go get silla whle he and dauble deal with the zorses! dauble is not explaining anything.

i love silla. bottom text.

the fun part abt being the recorded pov is that things like me googling "minecraft zombie horse" is on tape

"alidaar goes 'peem poom'."

(alidaar did Facial Expressions about the situation and i was struggling to find a corresponding emoji.)

im diagnosing dauble with problems. the bpd animal is activated (silla is riding with alidaar) HOW HAS IT ONLY BEEN LIKE LESS THAN A MONTH IN-UNIVERSE. WHAT THE HELL silla is hitting on alidaar a bit but alidaar has no fucking idea. dauble is rolling in their grave

uh oh. there appears to be a Situation on the road. apparently a town evacuated and the townspeople are having a scuffle about it. something happened with the fishermen? stuff's wack with water. --oh, shit, there's kids missing. none of em are able to head back for the kids. GOOD NEWS, ADVENTURERS ARE HERE

alidaar has put sacks on the zorses. we're normal. dont think abt how our horses are green, please

arepo is stuck in his mind palace. alidaar is dissociating. Dauble Is Driving The Bus

(GOD I DONT REMEMBER WHAT THIS MEANS. ITS BEEN A MONTH. alidaar was Attempting To Cope with the dauble situation, and i think arepo had the realization that "oh, no, dauble isnt normally like this. this was a recent change. Uh Oh" because he joined after dauble's magical girl transformation)

HERE COMES THE. WATER?? WAGON?????? okay . we are here to kill the water wagon. got it boss

Silla Has Despawned. goodbye silla. dauble is finally happy

(alidaar got silla to take the zorses and run for safety)

im very bad at theater of the mind when it comes to The Cone (my breath weapons) so we are battling on the overworld hex map. this is fine

I HAVE FINALLY USED MY CLOUD RUNE. I DID IT MOM

arepo's words of inspiration to alidaar: "You are being so normal about all this." wh. why does dauble have higher ac than alidaar. what happened WHY CAN DAUBLE CAST INFLICT WOUNDS? actually i think dauble has done that before. perfectly normal druid

i keep peeking at the sbk discord and everything keeps devolving further into chaos.

(skyblock kingdoms was having an event. the event was "rebuilding parkour civilization in skyblock". at one point everyone ended up in cat maid skins. i was trying very hard to not look at the discord but there were SO MANY MESSAGES)

we have remembered that we are able to incapacitate people. fuck your monologue you're getting tied up

silla: oh no, you're hurt! ;o; alidaar: eh, ive had worse :,D dauble: I Am Literally Dying

arepo writes down "find therapist" in his notes. i dont think any amount of therapy can fix dauble

oh yeah we finally got the title drop! [alidaar voice] what the fuck's a storm lord ..OH. OH THE STORM LORD IS TALOS. OH! LIKE THE GUYS THAT KIDNAPPED AREPO! OHHHHHH

im spacing out HARD. apologies for the state of these notes. zzz

(again. skyblock kingdoms parkour civilization. and also generally being out of it. i COULD rewatch the recording to get a better concept of what happened but i dont feel like listening to myself talk for 2 hours rn)

[alidaar voice] WOAH, ITS ISOMETRIC!

(we reached Leilon! the map is isometric.)

OH . DAUBLE IS NEUTRAL EVIL NOW. SWAG.

[spacesymbol]

heyyyyy. crazy month and a half, am i right? 😅

my sincerest apologies for the truckload of reblogs.... plus even more sincere apologies if i reblogged a very old post of yours that you forgot about 😭

ive had those sitting in my drafts for a WHILE so that they wouldnt get drowned in my likes.... but i have some weird mental hangup about posting here without also posting a Life Update..... but i kept procrastinating actually writing a Life Update..... so here we are!!

anyways. that being said. LIFE UPDATE TIME!!!!! (no cut since theres actually some very important stuff in here)

first and somewhat foremost, i submitted SEVEN college applications exactly a month ago. for context, my entire applying list (as of right now) is only nine schools. and i procrastinated SO HARD on the application materials.... it was soooo bad. basically mid october to early november was the most stressed i have ever felt in recent memory 😁👍 and i coped with it soooo well, as i historically always do (sarcasm)

the fall play(s) also recently came and went!!! the rehearsal process wasnt that bad, it was moreso just anxiety provoking since i was constantly saying "yeah it (the show) will come together eventually" even when opening night was a few days away... but the show(s) did come together!! at least, my two scenes did. i honestly can't speak for anyone else, but my scenes both went fine during all three performances with minor errors, if any

although, the week of performances and the last few days of tech was so very brutal. i had to be in the theater until 8pm or later every single day of that week (november 18th to the 23rd), which meant i was in school for over twelve hours each school day. i had to put a lot of things on the backburner to focus on the show (and not losing my mind) that week, and schoolwork was one of them.... so i am currently once again in overdue assignments hell. my classes have been fine other than that though!!!

my mental, emotional, and physical health also definitely have been on the backburner for a WHILE now.... a wonderful example is how i havent seen my therapist in two months now, and for context, im supposed to see her once a week!!! so im clearly doing fine (sarcasm). its weird though, the play honestly wasnt that distressing for me, since i had already hit mental rock bottom earlier that month because of college applications

my physical health has also Not Been Good at all.... one of my scenes in the play (the gay one) involved a shit ton of stage falls.... and our stage is made of polished wood. we took all the necessary precautions to protect my bad knee (knee pads), but that didnt do much to prevent the ridiculous amount of bruising all over my body that i still have a week after the final show.....

eating has also been Bad. but i wont go into details about that 🫶 ive been able to keep having regular appointments with my dietitian, so genuinely dont worry about that. i will be fine!!

ive also been like. mentally checked out for a while, i guess. like i mentioned, ive been doing some research into dissociative disorders and symptoms to get more clarity on if im a system or not (which i do have an answer on btw), and i think the best term to describe it is depersonalization?

and uh. okay this is actually really important. about the system thing, i came to the conclusion after a LOT of research and self reflection that i do not think i am (or ever was) a plural system. i dont think i should post the entire esaay i wrote on how i came to this conclusion (because i dont think most of you want to read all that). but if any mutuals want, i am MORE than happy to dm the whole explanation, since i know it might raise some eyebrows that i suddenly dont identify that way anymore

however, the tldr is that im pretty sure i have dissociative amnesia instead, because i never once experienced amnesia between the personas that i thought were alters, and these personas were never really that separate from me, moreso extensions of me in terms of personality, if that makes sense. there were also some.... quirks of how my "system" operated that also made me suspicious, like how i was basically always frontstuck, and how my "frequent fronters" ALWAYS aligned with my interests at the time. i honestly think that i only arrived at the conclusion that i was a system in the first place because of the environment i was in at the time (the majority my friends at the time had the system realization and were talking about it), and the fact that no one ever really questioned me being one. which im NOT saying that i wish people had, since thats rightfully a very rude thing to do, but i definitely would have benefited from someone kindly calling all that into question, yknow?

the biggest takeaway though, should be that i didnt know until very recently. there is a world of difference between intentionally lying about being a system, and unknowingly being wrong about being a system. the MOMENT i started to suspect that i was wrong, i made it known here (in the previous Life Update) and on twitter, and i refrained from using any system terminology for myself until i came to a definitive conclusion, which i only did recently. additionally, i recently removed the system section from my pronouns dot cc, and my simplyplural account is still up, but obviously not in use

ummm. other personal updates.... im hopefully going to start legal and medical transition soon?? my stepsister (also trans) has been pushing my mom and stepdad for it as a result of the election, which sparks the conversation for me by extension

as you can probably tell by the majority of the recent reblogs, the release of season 2 reawakened my dormant arcane hyperfixation 😭 it somehow came back even stronger??? if any of you happen to remember my jayvik posting from november 2021, you deserve a spacesymbol elders discount....

what else..... oh um!!!! i had an awesome joe cool (snoopy) costume for halloween this year that i made extremely last minute :)

okay. okay!!!!!!! in terms of the future!!!! im on thanksgiving break right now until this tuesday and the break is Extremely welcome.... the spring musical (aka my final high school theater show) has already been announced, and its curtains, which should be exciting, but i dont have to think about that for a While....

in terms of like Immediately upcoming things, my schools robotics team has our first qualifier coming up so im gonna have to lock in on preparing for that soon.... for college stuff, i should be getting two decisions fairly soon (one from my early decision school and one from a rolling deadlines school), and i have two more applications for early january, but all i really have to do for them is finish writing their supplements..... so HOPEFULLY i should be slightly more active on here??? i feel like every time i say that i end up jinxing myself for inactivity, though. so honestly, who knows!!! but i dont really have as much of a Pressing Reason to not be active here, i guess

thats all.... jesus fuck i wrote a lot. my bad!!! no wonder i procrastinated writing this GODDAMN!!!!

[misscammiedawn]

Plurality Weekend

Hey all. This post is for anyone discovering my blog for the first time this weekend. My name is Cammie Dawn and I write a lot about DID and Hypnokink. Both of these things will be quite relevant this weekend.

I'm attending The Plurality Positivity World Conference (info in link) this weekend after our therapist sent us to last year's event and it went well. Unrelated to the event, I'm also a panelist for a talk on hypnokink and plurality tomorrow (Saturday 5/18 at 1pm-3pm CST - info in link)

Networking at the PPWC for my Media, Myself and I essays (one kind person has already reached out to us about them which makes me glow with pride and grateful to know my stuff is getting out there) and providing my links to the panel tomorrow, I imagine I may get a few first time visitors to my blog. I thought I'd do a quick "resources and links" post.

For Media Essays:

Recontextualized Memory and Unprocessed Trauma in Umineko - A visual novel about generational trauma goes over how a young woman goes over and over the events of a tragedy in her childhood and how adult knowledge will recontextualize our adult recollections.

Derealization in Night in the Woods and Metal gear Solid 2 - Describing the sensation of derealization where the brain stops connecting associations between the self and the things one perceives in their surroundings. One example displaying how this impacts a person living with DPDR and the other showing an example of a game attempting to make a player share the experience with the player character.

DID and the healing process in Mr. Robot - A run down of the experiences of discovery, exploration, rejection and healing within DID as displayed in each season of Mr. Robot, along with a disappointed rundown of why the final episode fumbled the ball.

Bruce Banner and the roles of his alters - A breakdown of the formation of The Incredible Hulk’s DID and what roles his many alters play.

Romantic relationships with systems - A look at the marriage between Bruce Banner and Betty Talbot-Ross Banner in Hulk comics and a frank discussion between Betty and one of Bruce’s alters about how relationships function in a system.

Personality Play in Penlight - A review of one of the routes for a hypnokink visual novel called Penlight in which the protagonist hypnotizes a woman to have an alter personality, along with some descriptions of how dangerous play like that works in real life and what the consequences could be.

For Hypnokink Resources (more in our Hypnokink Writings tag):

Hypnosis and Dissociative Disorders - A Rebuttal to a recent claim at a hypnosis convention that we shouldn't practice with those who dissociate as part of a mental illness.

Ethical Personality Play - A discussion about the real psychological damage that can and will happen if you play with personality play in hypnokink without setting safeties and grounding as part of your play.

Unreality and Hypnosis - A small note about how derealization symptoms mingle with hypnokink and why grounding and ensuring "reality remains in the scene" is important.

Anyway. Thank you all. For those who follow me normally, I appreciate you indulging the link spam.

[silverlistenstothings]

I did this for ME but hey I transcribed all of the Hermie and Jodie interactions I can remember, so if anyone else wants to spend the next two weeks over-analyzing their every word here goes;

Hermie: You’re… my father, are you? Based on the flashbacks that I experienced in the previous episode?

Jodie: Yes, Hermie the Unworthy, you are the son of mine and someone that stole you and ran away with you, and I haven’t seen you in awhile, you look…

Link: You are the son of mine…?

Jodie: Yes, do you have-

Hermie: Ah, this is finally what it’s like to have a dad.

Scary: So there were kids before us?

Jodie: Well, there was one kid, and that- he’s right there, Hermie-

Hermie: Hi, it’s me…

Jodie: It’s him, it’s him, yes, he’s many kids because he can put on many personalities because his father was a very special someone-

Scary: Yeah, we know it...

Jodie: - to me that ran away, with him, and Scammed me out of a son!

Normal: So you’re Hermie’s dad, right?

Jodie: Yes…?

Normal: And Hermie, I- how do you feel about that?

Hermie: Uh- um- I’m sort of wondering, you said my other dad, uh, disappeared, I was wondering where he might… if I might meet him as well, meet both my parents, and found out why I was abandoned on earth, would be delightful, for me, personally.

Jodie: Well, he is… in another realm. There’s many realms, I believe, as you all now have discovered, and we had you together…

Taylor: Aren’t you gonna hug him?

Hermie: Yeah, I’m back now, father, daddy-

Jodie, incredibly stilted: Would you… like… a hug…?

Taylor: Give him uppies!

Hermie approaches Jodie with his arms outstretched. Jimmy is sure to check in with Anthony to see if Jodie can smell him from here, and when he can, he plugs his nose, before saying;

Jodie: Alright, bring it in, bring it in, Bucko- I didn’t mean to say that, bring it in, kiddo-

Hermie: You called me the b-word! There’s no one to trust, there’s no one to trust in this world!

Jodie: You know, I feel the same, Hermie.

Jodie proceeds to go on a long-winded rant about his own issues.

Jodie: I’ve been trying to keep track of my son and all the things he’s been doing, and uh, failing is what he’s been doing recently!

Hermie: Owww!

Jodie: Not really listening to dad-

Hermie, whining: I’m right here…

Jodie: Not you Hermie, I’m talking about the other one.

Hermie, through just an incredible amount of cross-talk: Oh! The other one- oh, I don’t merit mention, that’s fair.

Normal: You know what I bet would be really impressive to this Morgan person, would be if you… you know, reconnected emotionally with your son!

And Normal gives Hermie a big thumbs up

Hermie: Yeah, I’m still here, I’m still in the conversation…

Normal, Hermie, and Jodie take the long way to the entrance of mega-hell, with Normal boasting his talents as a group therapist (according to a certificate he printed out). We don't actually see any of what happens here.

Hermie: We could just- we could just talk. You don’t have to go down with them, you and I. We don’t have to say the b-word, we could just- sorta decompress, you could tell me what it’s like to be a dad, I could be your son, we could experience that together… you and me, just you and me, no b-words.

Jodie, awkwardly: Uh… so… how’s uh… how’s it being lonely I guess…?

Hermie: You’re a real bitch.

Jodie, victoriously: Got ‘em!

[circulars-reasoning]

Debunking Series: Tulpas and Mental Health: A Study of Non-Traumagenic Plural Experiences

Welcome to part two of my debunking series, where I tackle Tulpas and Mental Health: A Study of Non-Traumagenic Plural Experiences, written by Jade Isler. This is part of an ongoing series, where I analyze the good and bad of a collection of articles that were provided to me that, supposedly, prove Endogenic plurality.

The full debunk of this article can be found here, or below the cut. This link leads to a google doc, which provides the full debunk along with links to other sources mentioned. Everything provided in the google doc will be below.

TL;DR: This article, while better than the previous part of this series, still fails to prove endogenic plurality exists, and contains enough bias to make my head spin. While there are individual parts of this article I agree with, it's drowned out by skewed sampling, a biased researcher, and bad science.

TW for poor research methods, discussions of fakeclaiming, mentions of doxxing, and NSFW content (including mentions of kink). Furthermore, TW for allegations of grooming, sexual harassment/abuse, and cult formation. I would also like to warn everyone that this document does get more crass than normal; that's my bad!

Tulpas and Mental Health: A Study of Non-Traumagenic Plural Experiences

(Note: The above article includes a deadname of an author who later revealed herself to be a trans woman. As such, I will be referring to her by the name most recently associated with her, Jade, and be using she/her pronouns in reference to her. I did not learn this information until after I had already written about 10 pages worth of content, so please forgive me if I have slipped up with misgendering. I have attempted to edit this extensively, so hopefully I managed.)

TL;DR: The article opens up with the somewhat ableist commentary that tulpamancy is the “optimal” form of plurality and the concept that functional multiplicity is stigmatized – while later stating that it isn’t, while suggesting that therapists have left final fusion behind in modern therapy. It rambles for a while about how the way DID is represented within the medical community is damaging the view of plurality, which I can’t say I disagree with, but is shown in incredibly negative ways, including the implication that the word “disordered” is a bad thing. The author attempts to correlate the high amounts of disorders in tulpamancy to the health benefits of tulpamancy, while addressing the fact that this study… can’t… actually prove that tulpamancy has any health benefits… while attempting to present that there are health benefits? It’s a whole lot of nothing burger. The article ends with the author revealing she’s a tulpamancer herself, which paints the entire article in the bias that is present. The fact of the matter is, this article is simply calling for more research to be done into tulpamancy within the medical world, while stating outright that it cannot prove anything regarding tulpamancy, as there isn’t enough research of a specific kind to prove anything. It does nothing to prove endogenic plurality, and is too biased to indicate anything other than the fact that tulpamancers, unsurprisingly, report thinking tulpamancy helps them. The bottom of this debunk provides more context surrounding allegations about Jade Isler, the author, though proof of these allegations is not readily available and should be taken as allegations only, rather than evidence of misdeeds. 

Full live reactions below:

“Current models of mental health rely heavily on the assumption that only one agent of self exists in every one brain.” Gonna stop you right there chief – you sure about that? Cause like. My therapist, as well as many others, immediately hopped on the boat of me having DID. Yes, mental health relies heavily on the idea of a singular self within a single brain, but most people in the world don’t have multiple self-agent beings within one brain. Like, even saying endogenic plurality exists, it wouldn’t be the entire population – it makes sense for mental health, in general, to focus on the widest possible audience.

“Deviations from this model of singularity in mind are heavily stigmatized and often considered disordered.” I’m two sentences into this abstract and already wincing. Obviously, they’re considered disordered within the world of mental health. Newsflash, asshole, if a system is in the world of mental health, it’s usually because they’re disordered. Yikes! It’s not biased for the mental health world to focus on mental health.

“Research defining the relationship between tulpamancy and mental health is expanded on by analyzing the results of surveys conducted on the online tulpa community.” Ah, yes, the tulpa community, which is a community fully entrenched in tulpamancy, gives their thoughts on how healthy tulpamancy is. I wonder, however, where the comments from these tulpamancer’s families, friends, and co-workers are. Y’know, since being disordered is more than just how YOU feel affected by it.

“The questionnaires investigate two associations previously found in members of the tulpa community. First, the prevalence of mental illness, which exists in over 50% of the population. Second, the reports of improvements in mental health and cognition, especially amongst those diagnosed with a mental or neurodevelopmental disorder.” Gonna make a theory of my own, if you don’t mind. That theory being, a system with a complex dissociative disorder will generally report improvements in mental health and cognition as communication between alters improves, particularly when said alters are symptom holders, wherein the system as a whole will no longer need to deal with as much of the symptoms of the disorder that alter holds. Interesting theory, I wonder if it would pan out via a questionnaire. Anyways, seems legit queen.

“Tulpas are an experience of plurality that seem to coexist with optimal functionality, happiness, and mental health.” Optimal functionality. Sigh. Gonna try and not take that on the chin as a DID system working toward functional multiplicity. Yeah, hon, I do really wish that mental health circles would acknowledge my Virgin Sub-Par Traumatized Multiple Functionality more and compare me to the far superior Chad Tulpamancers.

“In medicine, society, and our personal biases, there exist certain presumptions about what is optimal for health, functionality, and happiness. One such assumption is the requirement that, for every one brain and body, there ought to be one identity.” I think this is a good time to mention that this article was written in 2017, which is 16 years after the term “functional cooperation” was coined by Steinberg and Schnall in the book “The stranger in the mirror: Dissociation – the hidden epidemic” (which is riddled with its own problems). Here’s a full quote from page 256:

Therapy for people with DID is designed to gently bring down the walls of amnesia that keep their different parts hidden from themselves and each other. Most experts agree that the key to treating dissociation lies in the connection, or integration, or memories, feelings, and behaviors… Once the person feels safe enough to accept the memories, the amnesia, as well as the other dissociative symptoms, is reduced… Some people with a dissociative disorder are able to integrate their separate parts into a single congruent self-image. Others may fear that integration means the ‘death’ of their alternate personalities and may not want to give them up. They may have separate parts forever but can achieve ‘functional cooperation’ between them, which is a giant step on the path toward healing and recovery. 

Sooo, that is to say, functional multiplicity was recognized 16 years before this article was published. Furthermore, the Plural Positivity World Conference of 2019 (only two years after this article was published) released a survey which was then shown as the ISSTD Conference in 2020, revealing the following (as shown on the System Speak website, detailed here):

Of the participants in this survey, 89% scored above 30 on the DES-II… 58% were currently in therapy at the time; When asked their therapist’s goal for therapy, participants reported: 50%  Functional Multiplicity… 92% said they were interested in some level of functional multiplicity.

So, around two years after this article (this article, mind you, that’s so far arguing that functional multiplicity isn’t accepted) was published, 50% of respondents to a Plural survey said their therapists’ goal was functional multiplicity, and 92% of them reported seeking functional multiplicity as a goal. These people, I’d imagine, were in therapy for longer than just the two years since this article was posted. Furthermore, we can tell that the individuals who responded to this survey are likely disordered, given that 89% of them scored above 30 (high dissociation) on a DES, but those who completed this survey were part of the plural community. This, to me, indicates that this article’s claim that the main assumption being made is that disordered systems need to be fused into one singular self-state to function is a bunch of bullshit. But seeing as this article only posits that this assumption is the case without actually testing that assumption, I’m not too surprised!

“However, rather than citing these dysfunctions, mental health professionals frequently emphasize the plurality as being what makes DID a disorder.” I actually agree with the author here! Surprise surprise, something good has come! In fact, this whole paragraph has some good points: “Here, DID is not branded by its negative symptoms like most disorders are. Rather, this definition suggests that the problem starts and ends with the plurality.” The author is arguing that the way DID is discussed paints plurality as only a negative thing, because the only part that is focused on is the plurality. This is actually a problem I see a lot in modern syscourse; arguments that plurality has to be disordered because a certain system’s plurality is. However, I do find fault with two things. One, I want to reiterate the issue with the fact that this article is focusing on the mental health world, when by and large, endogenic systems are not seeking treatment for their plurality – the descriptions of ‘negative’ plurality are written strictly about CDD systems, as those are the systems who are seeking medical treatment. Two, this article is sourcing the Google Results of DID on Psychology Today. I… have my doubts that this is the end all be all of medical propaganda? If your argument is that the medical world is making plurality out to be only negative, I feel like you need a resource for that which is more directly connected to plurality in the medical world, rather than the layman’s definition of DID on Psychology Today.

“Until the DSM-V, there was no requirement of distress or impaired functioning in the diagnosis of DID.” Oh I’m going to fucking lose it. The requirement of distress and impaired functioning in the diagnostic criteria of DID was only added in the DSM-V because fuckwits like you couldn’t be bothered to read the beginning of the book. Y’know, the part that explains whether a diagnosis should be coded as Mild, Moderate, Severe, Partial Remission, Full Remission, or Prior History, depending on how disordered the disorder is? Located on page 2 of the DSM-IV:

In deciding whether the presentation should be described as mild, moderate, or severe, the clinician should take into account the number and intensity of the signs and symptoms of the disorder and any resulting impairment in occupational or social functioning. 

Impairment, huh? Occupational or social functioning could be impacted, huh? I don’t know about you, honey, but that to me sounds like fucking impaired functioning. Get out of here with your fucking nonsense, you’ve always needed a goddamn disorder to be diagnosed with a disorder (other than in some fringe cases, such as insurance and bullshit, shout out to my plural friends going through insurance hurdles right now). 

YOU THEN GO ON TO QUOTE BULLSHIT FROM AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PLACE?? No, okay, seriously, the author goes DIRECTLY from the above quote, to this quote: “‘Unlike other disorders, dissociative identity is deemed a disorder and thereby dysfunctional, purely on the basis that those who experience it have a self that is not singular.’” This quote is not from the DSM, which makes it incredibly misleading to complain about the DSM and then immediately, without explanation, launch into this quote as if it proves your point. But okay, let’s check out THAT citation– Oh, what’s that, it’s literally just arguing the same exact point as you, with a similar lack of proof for its claims? OH, this article is trying to argue that calling DID disordered implies it’s a bad thing, thus implying that disordered is a bad word? Oh, this all once again focuses on the fact that DID is disordered, which implies (somehow) that all multiplicity is disordered? This is literally just a bunch of psychologists going “Wait, maybe non-disordered plurality IS a thing, and I’m going to argue it is by saying that people with a disorder don’t ACTUALLY have a disorder sometimes.” God, fuck off with this bullshit, I’m going back to the first ableist article.

“In 2010, a community sprouted over a practice colloquially dubbed ‘tulpamancy.’” Oh please, tell me you’re gonna bring up the Rainbow Dash Tulpa. Please, tell me you’re going to bring up the white woman who brought Tibetan Buddhism to America through her appropriative bullshit. Please, tell me you’re doing to mention the bronies taking her spiritualism and using it to fuck ponies in their minds. I’m going to delight in this. (She won’t. I know she won’t, cause that would absolutely undercut the idea she’s going for that this is a completely normal, non-fucky experience, and the “optimal” form of functionality, yes I’m still salty about that. Gotta write that down, the “optimal” form of my multiplicity is to be fucking Rainbow Dash in my mind.)

“Examination will purport tulpas as a healthy experience of plurality and an argument against the stigmatization of multiple identities.” Again, I agree that the entire world needs to focus a whole lot less on the plural part of DID, and that depicting the plural part of DID as solely negative is harmful – but, I’m sorry to say, tulpamancy is a recent phenomenon. You said yourself, article author, that this sprung up in 2010. Your article was written 7 years after it became popular; do you honestly genuinely think the psych world moves quickly enough that in 7 years, they’ve managed to rethink dissociative identities and label tulpamancy as distinctly different from disordered dissociation enough to describe it? Furthermore, why would the mental health world even focus on tulpamancy? (Don’t worry – we’re gonna get to that.)

“The majority of media surrounding tulpas and non-traumagenic plural phenomena has been limited to poorly researched sensationalism. Its scientific accounts were nonexistent until 2015–” Oh jeeze, it’s almost like Tulpamancy started as a Tibetan Buddhist belief and was then appropriated by a white woman, brought to the west, bastardized, and now is something 4chan cooked up in some bong water with a side of fandom. Obviously, it’s poorly researched! You’re looking for scientific data within the medical world about an inherently non-medical experience. By and large, endogenic systems are not disordered, or at the very least, not disordered due to their plurality. Tulpamancy in particular WAS sensationalism, so it’s no wonder your research is a little bit difficult honey. You’re one of the first to dip your toes into it, welcome to hell, biscuits over on the left. Oh, wait, let’s finish that thought, you cite another study on tulpamancy that gave some demographics: “Veissiere found that tulpas are perceived to be entities distinct from one’s own thoughts, with over a third of hosts reporting that their tulpas felt as real as any physical person. This is achieved in part through tulpas seeming to be independent in their emotions, cognition, and opinions. They are experienced through a mix of auditory, visual, and somatic visualizations and hallucinations. Possession, a technique that allows a tulpa to temporarily command of the body, and switching, in which the host dissociates to have an out-of-body experience while the tulpa controls the body, are widely used. There are similarities between these advanced tulpamancy techniques and the experiences of DID diagnosed folk, namely having multiple identities and dissociating from the body’s actions. However, the absence of amnesia, depersonalization, and other traumagenic symptoms in most tulpamancers make these techniques a reportedly positive and mutually enjoyable experience.” So… let’s see here. No amnesia, depersonalization, no trauma symptoms – the only thing they’ve got is dissociation and perceived switches. So… not DID. Hence, not disordered. Hence, why would a medical world care? The medical world is focused on medical phenomenon, and what you’re describing here is, primarily, a belief – at most, you could claim the hallucinations are a concern, but if I’m not mistaken, hallucinations have been recognized as non-disordered in certain cases by the medical community by the point of this article being written, so… ??? Literally nobody was saying this is a disordered experience. What you’ve described here is so far from DID, it can’t see the DSM. Furthermore, I didn’t consciously experience amnesia and depersonalization. I didn’t realize that’s what I was experiencing for a very, very long time, despite experiencing it, because my disorder lies to me. That’s common.

“Veissiere unveiled two more associations between tulpas and mental health. Foremost, an extremely high frequency of clinical diagnoses: in his sample (n=24), 25%{3} were diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome, 21% with Attention Deficit Disorders, and 18% with General Anxiety Disorder, to name a few.” Huh, so, you’re saying that some of these tulpamancers are disordered……… but not because of their plurality. Unlike DID systems, whose plurality is a symptom of their disorder. I fail to see the connection here to the mental health world, unless you’re trying to argue… that… tulpamancy should be a form of treatment for disordered Autism, ADD, or Anxiety? “Secondly, Veissiere found that tulpas were reported to cause improvements in mental disorders, with 94% (n=33) of respondents expressing that taking up tulpamancy had ‘made their condition better.’” Oh. Oh, I see. You are arguing that. Not inherently – no, let’s not forget, the argument being made here is that tulpamancy is a healthy form of plurality, unlike DID, and that the way we discuss DID is damaging how we view plurality. So you’ve mentioned the health benefits of tulpamancy, but, once again – these are all self reported. Do you realize, to diagnose DID, you can’t just go off of self-reporting? It’s almost like, in a disorder (or non-disorder) where you lose your sense of self, it’s a little hard to self-report. Where’s the analysis of their families, or friends, or co-workers, reporting on their sense of self? I’m sorry, but as someone with DID, I know how hard it can be to self-report. I realized two separate times in my life that I had parts, and it had to happen twice because my disorder literally made me forget I was disordered. That’s an incredibly common experience. If I was asked in my final year of high school if I had amnesia, depersonalization, or trauma, I would have said no to all of those – but if asked if I had ‘people in my head’ who ‘helped me feel better about my anxiety,’ it would’ve been a resounding yes. Can you see how maybe a self-analysis of the self when the self is uncertain might be inaccurate?

Okay, not done with the above quote yet – imagining this is a singlet, that’s easily explained as the autistic ability to imagine interactions with others in order to recognize patterns. Imagining this is a DID system, that’s easily explained as a symptom holder – you split due to the stress of being autistic, and boom, now the host can mask easily, causing the stress to lessen. OF COURSE you feel better, it’s called you’re no longer the “problem” because you dissociated the problem away! Like, I’m not trying to fakeclaim here, trust me when I say that; I’m trying to emphasize that this article has done nothing to disprove that this is a DID system or a very imaginative singlet. All it’s done is suggest that plurality is a good framework to help with other disorders – which, I mean, IFS has been there since the 1980’s, people have been using a ‘parts’ framework for 30 years by the time this article came out.

Oh god, Oh fuck, it’s already almost 3k words long and I’ve ONLY JUST gotten to the part labeled as the objective of this article. Jesus christ. Okay. “This study investigates the aforementioned associations: 1) the high frequency of disorders among tulpamancers, and 2) the reports of psychological improvements related to tulpas. The aim is to clarify the existence of these associations and identify their causes.” … I am bashing my skull in, kindly. So, the assertions put forth in the abstract and introduction were complete red herrings; the actual aim of this article is to grow off of the previous study mentioned and to analyze why tulpamancers, on the whole, tend to be autistic, anxious wrecks until they form a tulpa. Why in god’s name is DID even being mentioned in this article???? I don’t fucking care about Tulpas, just let me have a disorder in peace. Also, I’d like to ask why this is included in a source proving endogenic plurality, seeing as this claim proves nothing; it automatically assumes tulpamancers exist, rather than proving they do. 

“While Veissiere showed that there seemed to be a relationship between tulpamancy and mental health, the reasons and nature of it are still a mystery.” Ah, see, the secret is, magical beings from another dimension saw these autistic people’s brains and went, ‘that’s free real estate.’ /j

“The noted associations have a plethora of possible explanations. For example, the high frequency of mental illness among tulpamancers could be rooted in a causal relationship between tulpas and psychopathology. More likely, tulpamancy could merely be more appealing or have more exposure to those with a clinical diagnosis.” W… what? Hold up, let me see if I can translate. “The reason why so many tulpamancers have anxiety or autism could have a lot of explanations. Maybe the large amount of mental illnesses among tulpamancers indicates that there’s a relationship between tulpas and brain issues. More likely though, tulpamancers just are usually more exposed to clinical things and find the tulpa route more appealing than the medical one.” Did I read that right? Cause that’s what I’m getting from this. Like. I think this is suggesting that a lot of tulpamancers are autistic because autistic people like tulpamancy. And they call ME Circular Reasoning. 

WAIT WAIT WAIT HOOOOOLD THE PHONE – “given the current evidence of a single opt-in questionnaire whose statistics are based on as little as 11 respondents” – YOU MEAN TO TELL ME. You are basing this ENTIRE article, the entire purpose of this study, on the self-report of eleven individuals to argue that tulpamancy is the most optimal form of plurality and is healthy??? Ooooh my god I am going to lose my goddamn mind holy fucking shit. Why did you phrase it AS LITTLE AS?! Were there LESS than 11 people? I am so concerned, I should’ve researched that study I guess. This throws everything I said out the window, the other study is a super great baby’s first lego block of tulpamancy studies, but we gotta get a move on with actually studying the effects of tulpamancy on the brain. Otherwise we’ll have ShitDick out here writing about how tulpamancy is soooo fucking great over the self-reports of eleven people. This article had BETTER explain that 11 people is not enough people, and more research needs to be done.

Thankfully, ShitDick does seem to indicate that she understands this would be a batshit claim to make. “Regarding the improvements in mental illness reported by tulpamancers, it would be presumptive (given the current evidence of a single opt-in questionnaire whose statistics are based on as little as 11 respondents) to claim the cause is plurality being therapeutic in itself.” MY ISSUE WITH THIS IS THAT YOU LITERALLY DID THIS ALREADY. Need I remind everyone of the word “optimal” being used? Oh no I don’t, cause I’m STILL FUCKING SALTY ABOUT IT! Like, you already stated in the introduction and the abstract about how tulpamancy ‘appears to be’ a healthy form of plurality – but you’re basing this on whatever you produced in this study, and a study of (maybe) only eleven people who self-reported they felt awesome about a thing they felt awesome enough to try out in the first place. 

Okay, not using a direct quote here, but calling out some syscourse shit right now. The author argues that tulpamancers may see benefits of tulpamancy for multiple reasons, and then goes on to argue that it’s actually just the one reason (the whole tulpa thing). But the other reasons given are… still valid? And actually far more supported by the science at this current time. Meditation, a positive community, or the experience of having tulpas are listed as things that COULD be causing the benefits to mental health. Only, we’ve seen that the goal of this study is to explain why there are benefits… so why are you explaining NOW (before your methods) that “actually we already know these two things likely cause the benefits to the mental health, but we’re going to argue this third thing instead.” It just completely undercuts the argument. The syscourse comes in that my immediate reaction to seeing this was ‘people would accuse that of being fakeclaming.’ Like, imagine if someone went to a tulpamancer who was ranting and raving about how awesome the health benefits of making tulpas is, and they said “have you considered that the benefits may be because you’re meditating a lot?” They would be crucified in today’s tumblr world. But when this dude does it, it’s fine apparently???? Also, this isn’t fakeclaiming – it’s just suggesting various experiences could, y’know… cause different varying reactions. Woah. (Note: the author later tests these statements and comes to the conclusion that tulpamancy is just awesome on its own, but the methods are flawed, so bully for her this is just bullshit.)

“The study addresses all these possibilities in order to hypothesize the cause of phenomena associated with tulpas.” Oh. Nice to know I wasted my time. See, this is included on a list of articles that PROVE endogenic plurality exists. Now we come to realize, the entire point of this study, finally explained, is… to… hypothesize why tulpas seem to help tulpamancers with their other disorders, and why so many people with tulpamancers with disorders have tulpas. That’s it. So… the article goes in with the assumption these people exist as they seem to experience it themselves, based on self-reports (which are often inaccurate in the cases of severe dissociative disorders, or… y’know… just straight up lying) of exactly, maybe?, eleven people… Sigh. Let’s… painfully sift through the “methods.”

The methods, thankfully, are better than the previous article on the list. It describes that 63 (minus one) respondents participated, out of a sample of 365 being sent out to popular tulpa forums (such as r/tulpa and tulpa.io forums). Hon, how bad to you gotta be to only get 62 responses??? Sadly, it is yet more self-reporting from tulpamancers, but thankfully with a much bigger sample size than the previous tulpamancy study. The ‘minus one’ was a participant within the 63 who did not have a tulpa and did not practice tulpamancy, but was present in the 365 sample sent out. Demographics are concerning to me, given that 32 of the 63 (aka, half of the respondents) were from the USA, with other nationalities ranking from 1 to 5 respondents each, and given that 75% of the demographic is white. 88% of the sample was between the ages of 16 and 25, with the average age being 21. This is all raising alarm bells for me. From sources I’ve read before, the average contested age for DID symptoms to start appearing is around age 16, and it’s not been unheard of for those in their 20s to 30s to first become aware of their system then. And knowing what we know now from the DSM-5:

Sudden changes in identity during adolescence may appear to be just adolescent turmoil or the early stages of another mental disorder. Older individuals may present to treatment with what appear to be late-life mood disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder, paranoia, psychotic mood disorders, or even cognitive disorders due to dissociative amnesia. In some cases, disruptive affects and memories may increasingly intrude into awareness with advancing age.

All of these things explain why a, I don’t know, 16-25 year old may dismiss their DID symptoms. And given that DID is comorbid with anxiety disorders… Nowhere has this article assured me that these tulpamancers are not experiencing DID. Nowhere has this article proven to me that this is endogenic plurality, which is the goal of this collection. 

“To investigate the effect of meditative practices often performed alongside tulpamancy, the survey asks: “Please select all the techniques that are/ have been used by your system for tulpamancy”, with meditation and hypnosis being among the possible responses.” I will say, DID systems have been listed as being more prone to hypnotic suggestion than the average individual. Not helping the case here… 

“Both questions have similar response options that included, “Friends or companions, “A romantic relationship or significant other,” “Curiosity or experimentation,” “To become a part of a community,” and “Self-Improvement or life/mental health benefits.” … So… you mean to tell me that this self-report questionnaire listed options for people to pick, all of which appear to be positive in nature? Have you ever heard of a bias, or perhaps, self-fulfilling prophecy? Buddy, you had better fucking include a link to this survey later… (Notably, the relationship to community section is a more simple scale)

“Participants were asked to select yes or no to the question: “Have you been diagnosed with a mental or neurodevelopmental disorder?”. If “yes” was selected, the participant would be directed to more questions regarding the relationship between their condition(s) and their experiences with tulpas. If “no” was selected, they would skip those questions and be directed to the next portion of the survey.” … I don’t know about you, but I didn’t get diagnosed with DID until I was 24 (and I was incredibly lucky to have this occur). I didn’t ever get diagnosed with autism, because I simply wouldn’t be helped by a diagnosis. So… This study ignores those who are not diagnosed, despite the supposed prevalence of these medical phenomenon (the thing that the article is trying to discuss), for… I’m not sure what reason. I suppose self-diagnosis isn’t a thing for these folks today! We’re only going to focus on those who had to get a diagnosis for whatever reason for whatever thing seems to be affecting them. 

Results!! Oh dear. “Responses to the question, “For what purpose did you create [your tulpas]?” revealed that tulpas are most frequently created in pursuit of companionship (72%). Results from the question, “What relationships exist between [you and your] tulpa(s)?” shows that this is achieved in most cases, with 78% of respondents stating that their relationship with their tulpa is friendship and 31% describing it as romantic.” I’ve gotta be honest, y’all. If someone asked me why I made a tulpa, and I had secretly made that tulpa for the express purpose of being able to fuck Rainbow Dash… I WOULD NOT BE TELLING ANYONE I MADE A TULPA SO I COULD FUCK RAINBOW DASH. Like, cringe culture is dead and all that, but not on a scientific survey of the community that I am trying to make seem legit. I’m not saying these results are entirely false… but I want people to remember that this is all self-reported… and this is self-reported by white US Americans in online forum spaces who are a little fucked up. 

“The one respondent who did associate tulpa creation and their diagnosis elaborated in their response, saying that tulpamancy helped them identify their DID and PTSD symptoms, which were rooted in events predating their discovery of tulpamancy.” Oh gosh… I’m. Very glad that their tulpamancy led to them discovering they had DID, but I do hope it is also recognized that created alters can and are a thing in DID, and that they are getting the help they need. 

“Two thirds of respondents with a diagnosis (n=32) reported that their decision to begin practicing was either somewhat (33%) or significantly (33%) furthered by their condition.” May I just say… MaDD, purposeful dissociation away from problems, all of those are things… Again, not saying they aren’t experiencing tulpamancy, but this article has yet to prove they are, and these things are easily explained through other means (which the article itself indicates).

“An almost identical ratio of respondents stated that their condition made tulpamancy a more desirable practice, with 37% citing a significant positive influence, 37% claiming a somewhat positive influence, and the remainder noting “no or neutral impact”.” Wait, so where’s the choice for “negative impact”? Did you not include that as a choice, or did like… not a single responder pick it?

Okay, the above bugged me so badly that I went ahead and scrolled through, and nope, can’t find a copy of the survey anywhere. Maybe I’m just dumb, but I can’t see it; all I can see is tables of the data compiled. I can’t see the exact questions asked, meaning I can’t really examine them for bias (and, judging from the above bullet, I have a suspicion this survey was biased as hell). I mean, very next section, “Regarding respondents’ opinion of the tulpa community, 18% reported theirs as very positive, 52% chose positive, and 29% selected “neutral”.” Yeah, that doesn’t sound biased at allllll. Also, plz let me know where that 1% went buddy. Some of the tables are showing that a negative impact option was present, but I can’t see exactly how the questions/answers were phrased, and that’s really irking me. 

We’re getting into more analysis of the results now, and I can’t say I’m happy. “In fact, the association between tulpas and improvements in mental health was reinforced, with 78% of these respondents diagnosed with a psychopathology stating that tulpas had either a significant or somewhat positive impact on their condition or ability to cope with it.” So you mean your somewhat biased questionnaire proved the point you were hoping your questionnaire would prove? Yikes. Buddy, I’m sorry, but I feel like this self-reporting thing isn’t working for you. Like, they reported that they didn’t have ANY impact in social life, but you’re arguing that the stigma of DID is affecting them through the whole intro – I feel like you’re not looking at these facts objectively and you’re trying to skew the survey to show what you want it to show. That’s just… straight up, bad science. 

“There was no evidence that would suggest tulpamancy is harmful.” As far as you’ve shown us, the majority of questions didn’t indicate an option to say it had a negative impact. You went to a group of people who love tulpamancy, and asked “hey, is tulpamancy good?” And the answer was a resounding yes. That’s like sending out a survey to ask “do people answer anonymous surveys instead of throwing them away,” and 99% of responders said yes! You have a bias. 

“These facts should discourage hypotheses that suggest tulpas cause mental illness or are a disorder in and of itself.” Well… I’ll be frank with you, this might not be as common, but I would argue that my plurality is not hurting me, in and of itself. My plurality is a symptom of a larger issue, and genuinely, if asked, I would say my parts have helped me more than hindered. I genuinely enjoy having my parts as a disordered system. That doesn’t mean that the tulpas aren’t, in of themselves, a symptom of a disorder, however – it’s happened before that people calling themselves endogenic systems have discovered they were traumagenic at a later time, thus indicating that their alters were, in fact, a symptom of a disorder. For someone who led into their article arguing that there was too much emphasis in the DID world on the alters (rather than focusing on the fact that it’s disordered alters), you then focus too strongly on the tulpas here. It’s a bit hypocritical…

Oh my god, they did something nice! Awesome! The author actually added to the survey a bit about alternate causations of these positive benefits, and found that “most respondents cited a positive impact regardless of hypnosis and meditation use.” Now, did you define meditation for these people? Because while not all of them sat on the floor with their legs crossed and incense burning, I’m positive some formed their tulpas through forms of meditation without realizing that’s what they were doing. (I’ll be honest, I sort of thought meditation was needed for tulpamancy, but I’m also not the MOST educated on the topic.) Like, you haven’t done a horrific job here – this is one of the sections where you indicate that the answer results did offer negative, and significantly negative, as levels of impact. But given the fact that not a single person ever answered “significantly negative,” I feel like there’s an issue here. You’d think, in a group of anyone, that every answer option would be picked at least once. You mean to say that not a single person found the experience of purposely creating a dissociative identity to have a significantly negative impact on their life? Not even a troll answered the survey?

“It is likely that the high frequency of disorders among tulpamancers is not caused by tulpamancy being pathological in nature, but rather, the practice being especially appealing towards those already diagnosed.” I’ll be honest, if they changed the name, I would be down for tulpamancy to be incorporated into certain types of therapy – but I don’t see how it would be more valuable in the long run than long standing therapy methods. I’d also be concerned about introducing dissociative practices into disorders that already have higher levels of dissociation, like autism. 

“Tulpas not only provided a means to have pleasant, worry-free interactions in the safety of their own mind-for these hosts, tulpas also encouraged and assisted with socialization.” Why is this worry-free? It might just be me having only my disorder under my belt, but… I don’t interact with my parts in only positive ways. Some of the folks in my head hate my guts, or at least used to, and it took a very long time for us to be okay with each other. My own mind isn’t safe – my innerworld is full of dangers and perceived threats, just like my real life is. If these individuals have disorders such as autism and anxiety, I’m glad that the tulpas helped them, but I’m having a hard time parsing how these tulpas are different from imaginary friends. I’ve heard people say that tulpas are their own sentient beings, unlike imaginary friends, but if that’s the case, the interactions wouldn’t be at all worry free in my eyes; unless the tulpas are specifically made to like you. In which case, we get into debates about if tulpas have free will and their own true sentience. Bluh. It makes me feel icky.

I’ve got to say, reading the next section, I actually like this idea a lot, and I do agree with a lot of it. It details people’s actual written responses, and this finally feels like the least biased part of the questionnaire. These people detail ways in which tulpamancy helped them, and I can easily see all of these being the case – such as someone helping manage their schizophrenia by forming a tulpa who was not affected by the hallucinations! Only… Self-reports in schizophrenia are to be doubted as well; who is to say this tulpa is not just… a beneficial hallucination? Or, what about the DID system who formed a tulpa who could communicate without amnesi– wait, that… that just sounds like a gatekeeper to me. Yes, sadly, while I believe creating alters is possible and I agree it can have health benefits, this article does not do what people are claiming it does. It simply says tulpamancy may have health benefits by surveying tulpamancers. That’s it. It doesn’t prove these tulpas actually exist or aren’t another easily explained symptom. Just… says that people with pre-existing disorders found creating tulpas was helpful. Nothing saying that those tulpas weren’t actually hallucinations, imaginary friends, dissociative alters, etc etc etc.

“The intent of this paper is not to provide definitive assertions on the psychology of tulpamancy. Rather, the purpose is to accentuate outstanding associations and suggest further research into them.” GOOD. THANK FUCK. Translation, “this study cannot prove anything, because of the clear flaws in the type of study done; rather, this is just more analysis of things going on, as a call to action for people to research more.” HIGHLY AGREED. This phenomenon absolutely needs to be studied more, and I really want to see studies done that actually observe these people – not just a questionnaire that the author herself indicates has bias. “In-person psychiatric assessments, longitudinal research, and neuroimaging studies are all more than warranted towards building a greater scientific understanding of plurality.” Yesssssssssss. Thank fuck. I’m so relieved – I walked into this thinking it was meant to prove something, due to the nature of the spreadsheet. Instead, it proved nothing, acknowledged it proved nothing, and simply presented correlations. I am now much, much happier with this paper, though I still am raising a brow at the methods and initial ableist commentary about DID.

“The impact of trauma and the resulting function-impairing symptoms are what make DID a disorder, not the plurality.” I really like this comment. It’s fully accurate… only, it fails to recognize that, for many DID systems, the plurality is the function-impairing symptom in question. Wait– “Because of this, psychiatrists have found that the most effective therapies for DID do not require merging different consciousnesses or enforcing oneness. Rather, it is more effective to simply teach the separate identities to communicate, share information, and work with each other in through a therapy dubbed “integrated functioning.”” Wait, didn’t… Didn’t you start off this article by claiming the opposite of this? Weren’t you the one arguing that the medical world could not accept functional multiplicity? “The decision to unify should be an optional one, made by the patient, done because they believe it will improve their life and ability to function. The prevalence of treating plurality as the start and end to dysfunction in DID indicates a fundamental misunderstanding that needs to be corrected.” BUT YOU JUST SAID IT WAS? I’m so confused – I’m really grateful, really, that you suddenly give so much of a shit about DID, but how does this relate to anything you were trying to prove? Honey, please, leave us out of this. 

“Plural experiences are not limited to tulpas and dissociative disorders. In fact, when the diversity of plural experience is considered, multiplicity may seem to be less of an extraordinary achievement and more of a fundamentally human experience.” Uuuugh, not the ‘everyone’s a little plural’ argument. It’s so frustrating being lumped in with this. My mom’s work self is not anything like me. Someone’s tulpa is not anything like me. There can be similarities, but the symptom of my disorder should not be considered a fundamental human experience. 

“Finally, I would like to thank the unsung assistant and co-author of my research, projects, and frankly, my life: my tulpa, Aury.” Oh. Oh fuck no. You are NOT AN OBJECTIVE RESEARCHER. I am so so glad that you agree that other people need to fucking research this. A person with a bias for saying tulpamancy is good reached out to a lot of people who had a bias for saying tulpamancy is good and asked if they thought tulpamancy was good! Shocker of all shockers they said it was good. This is something that I feel should have been mentioned far before the closing statements. You are not objective in the slightest, and all of this really clarifies just how biased your survey was. 

“The author is a practicing tulpamancer and an active member of the tulpa community. He experienced tulpa creation firsthand in April 2013, and has been a contributing member of the online community since July 2014. Along with his tulpa, Aury, Isler is active under the usernames “Ford and Aury” and “fordaplot”, through which they have shared their experiences, theories, and preliminary results with the community. They run a Tumblr blog documenting their tulpa-related work and experiences, and they operate a YouTube channel for plural-related educational videos, interview-based podcasts, and visual tulpamancy guides.” OKAY!!! So not only were you biased toward tulpamancy, people knew you were biased toward it. And you don’t think, just for one second, that sending out a survey to these people, they might have, idk, looked up to you? After all, you were known for operating a youtube channel supporting tulpamancy. Nobody goes up to the person who they idolize and go “you know, maybe what you’re doing is wrong? Maybe what you did hurt me?” THEY LIKE YOU YOU MORON. OBVIOUSLY THEY AREN’T GOING TO TELL YOU THAT YOU’RE WRONG. Oh my god this fucking kills me. Okay.

So, here’s the bonus content for all you curious folks. After reading this part, I dug into the author, seeing if I could find any information on her. I wanted to clarify her role in the community – if she wasn’t very popular, then clearly, the above criticisms wouldn’t hold as much merit.

Uuh. Wow. I found a lot of bullshit!

Sadly, this section is going to be short, particularly because I can’t find any evidence; I’ve reached out to a few individuals who were involved in the controversies, but thus far, I’ve only found one concrete piece of evidence. This evidence being that Jade Isler attempted to threaten and doxx staff of the Tulpa.info discord server and was subsequently reported to the FBI. Screenshots posted below (with one being censored in case of privacy):

This evidence does make it obvious that Jade Isler, at the very least, was harassing individuals and attempting to doxx them.

To summarize the allegations, I want to begin by stating none of these allegations have been proven beyond the existence of NSFW content. The author, Jade Isler, was banned from just about every single tulpa community due to numerous allegations. These allegations appear to involve grooming, sexual harassment, and plans to form a cult, all of which relate to a particular kink of Jade’s – this being obedience hypnosis alongside feminization kinks and a pet play kink. None of these allegations have been proven beyond proof of existence of these kinks. I don’t want to get too controversial about NSFW on this blog, but I will say: kinks are morally neutral unless they actively harm others; so long as both parties are completely consenting and are able to consent to the kink, it is their business and not mine. Furthermore, I am hesitant to believe word of mouth in regards to a trans woman who has a less-than-socially-acceptable kink being called a groomer with no public evidence. I require more proof of that before I can believe it is something non-malicious. 

At this point in time, I have been unable to find any proof of a cult, grooming, or harassment – only the ban messages and statements. The communities involved have erased any and all evidence from public viewing, ostensibly to protect the victims, which is good but ultimately frustrating when trying to prove if these allegations are blown out of proportion or not. I have reached out to numerous parties for further information, and should I receive it, I would be happy to reblog this debunk post with further information, so the full story can be known. 

The reason I include these allegations here is to express further concern about this collection of resources. If these allegations are false, they mean nothing and should be discarded. If, however, they are true, it paints a very negative picture of the tulpamancy community, and raises many concerns for the legitimacy of the article. If Jade is, in fact, a groomer who was maliciously trying to groom members of the tulpamancy community, then the results are even further skewed in favor of what she hoped the results would show. It’s possible she could have been grooming individuals of the community in order to create the results she desired, or even worse, into being tulpamancers in the first place (while ignoring signs of serious disorders). I mention this because grooming and manipulation are commonly cited in online communities, and given that tulpamancy is particularly present in places such as Reddit and 4chan, it raises a lot of potential red flags for genuine harm. 

Again, I refuse to believe these allegations without proof. As it is, the criticisms of the author cannot be determined beyond what is within the article itself at this time – which are, in of themselves, fairly damning. However, please use this as a warning to interact with content about this author with caution if you find any of what’s been described here to be triggering. 

[honey-minded-hivemind]

Beast Anon back again xP I apologize for the late reply and I'm sorry to hear you were stressed. As always I would encourage you to take it easy where you can, friend :) I'm doing well, thank you for asking, and to answer your question, the reason I like those kinds of AUs and relationships isn't anything that complicated, I just...find them really wholesome ^^ With them, you're always guaranteed a certain level of fluff and slice-of-life goodness that's easy to imagine and can help get you through your day when you need that extra little bit of warmth in your day, ya'know? :D As for why I prefer it with some X-Men characters, well, I have two reasons. Firstly, with the multiverse being an extremely canon thing in Marvel, especially X-Men in this case, it makes the idea of these relationships and stories a kind of canon in themselves, and it's always so fun to explore that ^^ To explain that a little more and get into the second reason, when you're dealing with the X-Men, some of the most exciting and complex Marvel characters of all time, you know these situations are going to be more than just a daily routine, there's always going to be some twist/emotional adventure to explore along the way, and it adds a whole new depth to the situation. True, you could argue that to be the case with just about any fictional character but...c'mon, it's the X-Men! xD As for your soon-to-be recent viewing of the first two episodes of X-Men '97, I promise you a real treat, but, I am obligated to not spoil a thing ^^ Except this: OMG HANK FINALLY SAID THE THING!!! :DDDD

No worries, Beast Anon! I am glad to hear from you again, and there is no set time or need to respond immediately. What happens happens. And I finally started watching the first episode of X-Men 97 and so far, my thoughts are as follows:

• Roberto you sweet, poor child... You don't know the half of it-

• Who the f*ck is hiding Sentinel parts?! They're fr*cking HUGE, how does someone just move that around?! Someone knows something, how can you not when a single Sentinel arm is bigger than a car-!

• Go Morph! Mighty Morph-ling Power Ranger! (Well, X-Man)

• Wolverine, dude, please get over the love triangle; you and Scott were friends once, can you two get some team or friend therapy and try to talk about it for once?

• Where is the official team therapist? Nor the therapist friend, the actual certified therapist-

• Let the kids have fun!

• Roberto, they viewer-insert/new guy who is how everyone would react to the crazy shenanigans of the X-Men and Marvel

• Mr. Xavier, I am starting to believe you and Magneto really WERE more than friends, or were some form of QPR at the least

• And Magento is back! And more... oddly looking well for someone who is in their... 70s, I think? Wow. He's doing good (if you aren't counting losing his best bud and possible boyfriend, not to mention inheriting aforementioned friend's family, school, and property)

Aaaaand that is about how far I've gotten. I need to play a little catch-up😅😊

And now I really want to see Beast and Carla get together/have a secret date, watch Wolverine and Morph or Wolverine and Storm become a couple, get more Sabretooth and the Brotherhood in this show (please please please let them be brothers) (sorry fandom members who ship them, I view them platoncially!), hopefully they introduce Laura/X-23 at some point, someone let Rogue and Gambit get together, we know that is likely endgame, and yes yes yes Roberto can be Jubilee's friend (and maybe sibling?) (Whatcha wanna bet she's wanted one since the first year?)

And woo! Yes, platonic yandere genre! I get the points you've made: Platonic yandere could be canon in some way, and it's Marvel, so canon is a bag of 40+ flavor jellybeans and a 45+ flavor milkshake stand... Also, yes, X-Men add a certain flair to the platonic yandere trope. Surprise, super-poweree genetically enhanced people, and this random teen/young adult/child who they somehow procured. Que a normal Tuesday of crazy villains, more insane humans, some weird relationship issues and the break-up then make-up, and (gasp) surprise! You have been blessed with this new character to love! They're called Reader, they can be sweet at times, they are willing to use a metal bat as a weapon, and oh, and they are as addictive to y'all as catnip is to cats!

May I ask your top three favorite X-Men characters? Top three favorite heroes, and favorite villain, so four favorite characters? Do you enjoy how I write them (if I have written for them) as platonic yanderes? Do you want an older teen/adult cartoon or anime where the X-Men are platonic yandere over someone? I myself do, and I would have so manh ideas on it! Are there any duo platonic yanderes you like, where two team up over Reader or are both interested in the same one? (Ex. Rogue and Gambit, Kurt and Rogue, Wolverine and Sabretooth, etc.)

I hope you have a good night/day! I will hopefully get to the second episode of X-Men 97 tomorrow, and once the first season is finished for the series, I can add X-Men 97 to the X-Men media I will write for😊 (And if you want to discuss any if this more, I am all ears!)