#manybutone

[many-but-one]

To my American followers with OCD:

You filled out your ballot correctly. Trust yourself to know that you filled it out correctly. You can take as much time as you need to fill it out and look over your answers thoroughly. You did not accidentally fill out the wrong bubble for whoever you are voting for. You did it correctly.

Also, nothing you do outside of casting your vote will effect how the election turns out. As I saw someone on tiktok say about this topic, deciding to eat a bran muffin rather than a banana nut muffin for breakfast will not influence the election. Trying to resist/resisting your compulsions will not influence the election. The only thing YOU can do to influence this election is by casting a vote. Your routines do not have to change OR they can change, and it will NOT effect how the election turns out.

If for some reason the election does not go the way you want it to, that does NOT mean that YOU did something wrong. You do NOT need to over-analyze what YOU did to "cause" the election to not go the way you wanted.

Again, the only way you can influence the election is through your vote and nothing else!

Stay safe, take care of yourselves, and be kind to yourselves. This is a very stressful time for a lot of us, and we're all in this together! Band together with your support system and we will all get through this stressful next few days together.

Last addition: early on in vote counting, it will look more like the country is leaning red. This is because rural areas with a smaller population (who tend to lean red) are faster to count and therefore their votes will be counted first. Cities and metropolitan areas with higher populations (who often lean blue) take longer to vote count, and therefore the "blue wave" we're looking for may not come until the end of the vote counts. Please be patient and work on stress management during this time!

We're all in this together! Let's take care of each other and get through this as gently as possible!

[many-but-one]

I have always been under the impression that if these people try to solve problems with another adult the way they solve problems with their children, that would not work out very well.

If another adult is behaving in a way that upsets you, yelling at them/hitting them/lashing out not only rarely solves the problem, but you will be labeled an abuser at the least and catch an assault charge at worst. It depends who you are engaging in this behavior with, of course.

Hitting and screaming at other adults who upset you is considered immature and disrespectful. Why is it so revolutionary when we replace the second adult with a child?

the longer I’m parenting-aged the more I realize how disciplinary oriented parenting styles are significantly more deranged than initially assumed

[many-but-one]

Completely unrelated to my blog content but I have to settle a dispute between my partner system and I.

Here’s the little disagreement under the cut:

My psys insisted that it was pronounced “yow-ee” and when corrected, then said that the way I pronounce it (the Japanese pronunciation—“yah-oy” or “ya-oh-ee” and the correct one) isn’t the way she has always heard English speakers say it. I’ve never Ever heard it pronounced like this, even among those that don’t speak Japanese. I’m curious if it just happened to be her friend groups or if this is as widespread as she says!

[many-but-one]

Okay sysblr I think there’s been a massive misconception on what makes a script.

What a script IS: Abusers using a fictional story or movies to create a “base” to your system. This includes designing your inner world, higher ups, entire system functions, etc based on this script. Unless a script is started when you are very VERY young, these fail more often than not. Common script bases I’ve seen are Alice in Wonderland, Narnia, Halo (as in, the games), and Disney Princess movies. (Disney Princess programs are NOT the same as a Disney Princess script, ftr)

What a script is NOT: Having abusers purposely split fictives based on what “use” they have to them. ie, splitting a maid character if they want a part who will clean for them, splitting a fictional sex worker to do sex work for them, etc.

Scripts are meant to be the basis of your system, they will control every aspect of your system and if done well/correctly, engaging in the media that the script is from can be genuinely catastrophic to a non-healed, non-deprogrammed system.

Scripts are not necessarily uncommon but they aren’t nearly as common as people seem to think because they are DIFFICULT and COMPLEX and require extensive access to a kid to shape their system to fit the script correctly. Our abusers tried to script us too late, to multiple scripts, and failed. Our abusers were extremely skilled programmers and many of our other programs prior to deprogramming were airtight as fuck. They had access to sets and scenes and high quality materials to try to script children.

Point is, it is not easy to script someone—but it IS easy to get them to split certain fictional characters to get them to do certain tasks that will “fit” the characters. I think what a lot of you are experiencing is the purposeful splitting of fictives, which is a normal and common occurrence. It is easier to get a kid to split something that fits a desired template rather than creating a brand new thing and trying to manipulate that part to do the thing. If an alter already believes they are ‘xyz’ character that does ‘xyz’ thing, it will make programming that alter to do that ‘xyz’ task way easier.

Hope this helps, don’t clown on my post. That’s all I’ve got.

-Many but One

[systemic-chaos]

system support servers are really hit or miss sometimes, but once you find a good one it’s GREAT

[many-but-one]

This is the type of post we’ve been meaning to make for a while so I’ll jump on this and add my own product recommendations as someone who has tried basically everything under the sun because I have autism and I have trauma related to mouth stuff, so brushing is extremely hard. I’m going to sort this by “high spoon/easy brushing days” all the way down to “low spoon/hard brushing days” because some days are easier than others no matter the sensory issue surrounding it.

High Spoon/Easy Brushing Days:

Toothpaste:

Highly recommend HiSmile. Yes, the ones you see ads for all over the place. They are phenomenal. Their toothpaste is extremely smooth, as it’s a gel and not a paste, so it’s not grainy or crusty. Their tube is a pump-action as well which is easy to use and gets every drop of toothpaste out AND is helpful when my hands are hurting, as you don’t have to squeeze. You can even just set it on your counter and push down, like a lotion bottle. It perfectly dispenses just the right amount with one pump. And comes in a ton of different non-mint flavors like watermelon, peach iced tea, coconut, banana, and even red velvet cake. You can order online but I know a lot of drugstores are starting to roll it out too. I will never not sing the praises of this toothpaste. It is costly but it’s worth it and it lasts a lot longer than you’d expect from the bottle size.

Mouthwash:

This was a recommendation from a dental tech when I told her I struggle to brush because of sensory issues. Crest Pro Health Alcohol Free Enamel Care. It’s the purple colored bottle. It does not burn, and helps support and strengthen enamel. It’s the only mouthwash I can stand. It does have a minty flavor but it’s so much more bearable than normal mouthwash. Perfect.

Flossing:

Floss picks are great. I use them regularly. However, softpicks are also great and are usually used by folks with braces or permanent retainers. You don’t have to have either of those to use them. They are gentle on the gums and get all up in there. You do have to put your hands in your mouth for the back teeth, which is why I use softpicks for the front and regular for the back. Yes, that’s a lot of single use product waste. No, I don’t care. My teeth health matters to me and if this is how I have to do it because of my disability then I will.

Whitening:

I honestly don’t know if whitening treatments work, but I’ve tried a few before and whitestrips are a sensory hell for me. If you want to give whitening treatments a try, I suggest ARC After Brushing Whitening Booster. It’s a gel that you gently brush your teeth with for 60 seconds. It has a gentle mint flavor that’s not strong at all. It doesn’t feel like anything and it’s much easier to manage than whitestrips. It is also much cheaper than whitestrips and a little goes a long way. I’ve had this same tube I bought for the first time on a whim for several months and I’ve barely made a dent in it.

Toothbrush:

This will depend on a lot of things, everyone has different preferences. I’ve tried so many extra soft bristle brushes and been horribly disappointed every time. These are my go-to. They are very soft and don’t hurt my teeth or gums at all and unlike a lot of soft bristle brushes, they actually clean your tongue really well. The brush head is a little big so if that’s a problem, consider using a kid’s toothbrush. Their bristles are often extremely soft and they are really fun too.

Tongue:

I use a tongue scraper if I haven’t been able to handle brushing my tongue for a few days, as it’s pretty triggering to do so and I can only do it on my really good days. I truthfully don’t have a good recommendation for this one because it’s an extremely unpleasant experience but I push through because I hate having my tongue be visibly dirty. I just added that I do indeed use a tongue scraper on my good day regimen just so you can see what that looks like.

Normal Spoon Day/Regular Brushing Day:

I will use a toothbrush, the toothpaste, and mouthwash. That’s it. Probably only once that day as well. Brushing my teeth costs a lot of spoons for me, probably more than a typical person thanks to PTSD around mouth stuff. It’s okay if you can’t floss every day. Try your best to do it at least 1-3 times a week.

Low Spoon/Hard Brushing Day:

Mouthwash only. Yes, I said it. Mouthwash only is better than nothing. I usually try to swish for extra time and if I can I try to do it twice a day or after every time I eat to make up for no brushing.

I hope this helped. Teeth brushing is hard. It took me years to find a regimen that worked for me, and to not be ashamed for having a lot of bad days in a row. You got this💪🏻

I have trouble taking care of my teeth because everything that involves doing that is a sensory nightmare. I decide to do some research to see if there's anything I can do about this. The results?

"How to make your autistic child brush their teeth"

"Autistic Children and Sensory issues relating to tooth brushing"

"How to get your little shit to brush his fucking teeth"

Like, yeah Google, thanks, that really helps. And like, even if I was a child, some of the advice seemed... unhelpful. Like, doing a dance and singing a song while brushing your teeth? Even for a kid, I don't think that would help distract from a sensory experience as intense as brushing your teeth. Like, the extremely intense and unpleasant flavor, the intense feeling of the brush against your teeth scraping across it, even mouthwash has such an intense and disgusting flavor that I have difficulty keeping it in my mouth for more than a few seconds. I wish there was SOMETHING that could be done.

[many-but-one]

I used to think I was endogenic and got hate for it. Then I became exactly like the people that bullied me. Thankfully, I’m not anymore.

So I’m gonna get on here and do one of my rare syscourse posts because I have been seeing an undeniable increase of hatred on my timeline simply because I follow the did/osdd tags.

Those of you that have been around a while and have seen our posts talking about this might recall this, but we used to be very firmly anti-endo. We consider ourselves endo neutral these days mainly because we just don’t care what other people do with their lives and it’s not up to me to fake claim them or tell them how to live their life. People like to be angry at endos for spreading misinfo, when I’ve seen anti-endos do the exact same thing. Quite often, actually.

One of the biggest reasons I was anti-endo was because I was angry. I was angry at the fact that people would claim they created their system for fun when my existence as a system was full of misery and pain. Fun fact, I’m still full of misery and pain, but I was taking it out on people I didn’t even know. I was angry that I didn’t get to choose this and they did. I was angry that they got to “have fun” with it while I suffered. I hated my disorder, I hated my system. I was so angry all the time. I went on rants. I was mean. I was full of hate.

Then as I went through the therapeutic process and learned to not only tolerate but actually love my system despite all of their faults and despite all of the ways the disorder made me miserable, I realized I cared a lot less about endos. It felt less like a slap in the face that they existed. I realized that me being angry was the root of why I disliked them so much. I realized that me being angry and hateful wasn’t actually helping anyone.

However, there’s something else I want to talk about. I’ve mentioned this vaguely from time to time, but I’ve never spoken that deeply about it.

I used to think I was endo. I joined system spaces online for the first time when I was about 16-17 years old. I was the host at that time (Jules, though they have fused with like a bazillion parts since then due to therapy so now I go by Delphine) and I was having experiences of a dissociative disorder. I was dissociative, I was having amnesia gaps, I was hearing voices in my head, and it was the first time I ever had a flashback (though I didn’t really understand that’s what it was at the time.) I met the first parts I ever spoke to directly back then, parts that don’t exist the same way today thanks to healing. S, A, and “The Bad Man” (father introject) were the first three parts that spoke to me. I knew by then I had DID. But I didn’t know my trauma. All I knew was that I may have witnessed some DV when I was really young (couldn’t remember it though, I just knew my mother was severely abused by my father) and that my dad was abusive to me as a teen. I didn’t even consider the fact that I couldn’t remember most of my childhood before the age of 10-11, and everything else in my life was spotty at best. I remembered a lot of my childhood! Or so I thought. I thought my childhood was completely fine except for my dad being a bit of a dick to me when I was a teenager.

So I thought I was endogenic. I knew that I hadn’t created these parts on purpose (though A stole her name from a fanfic I had read a few years prior so I thought that maybe I did make her up) so I thought maybe birth trauma had to do with it (I was born 9 weeks premature) or maybe I had formed my parts way later in life than normal since I’d always been a “late bloomer.” I tried making friends in the system community, to try and understand what was happening to me. I had genuine traumagenic DID, but I didn’t know it. As soon as I said I was endo to anyone I would be met with such extreme vitriol that I was chased away VERY quickly. I was told I was crazy, I was told I was faking a severe disorder for attention, I was told to kill myself, I was told that I am a terrible person and stealing resources from other systems, etc. It was really bad. I never spoke about it again. I deleted my entire system-related online presence. I believed I was a horrible faker, I was crazy, everything.

Meanwhile I was actively having nightmares of witnessing extreme child torture, I was having huge gaps in my memory, I was having random bouts of extreme suicidality and was self harming almost every day. I was dissociating off my ass, I barely even got through my junior year of high school. I missed so much school due to my mental health that the public school system almost took me to court to court-order me to go to school. I didn’t even try to talk about any of this to a therapist or counselor because I was certain that I had been faking the DID and that I was actually just crazy and I didn’t want to steal resources from “actual systems.” I had multiple suicide attempts. I didn’t get help until my school ordered me to go to the mental ward and then was assigned a therapist shortly after. Then I jumped from therapist to therapist, one of which said that I must be bipolar due to my mood swings. I was misdiagnosed as bipolar I for years. Years.

Years that I could have been trying to heal from DID taken from me because I was so heavily bullied for thinking I was endogenic. I was completely convinced I had bipolar and I must have just been having a psychotic episode every time I was hearing voices or acting strangely.

I was diagnosed with DID at age 22, just a month or so shy from my 23rd birthday. I went 6 years thinking I was crazy and delusional because of the system community. The worst part? I let my anger get to me and I became exactly like them. A little less intense, definitely didn’t tell people to kts or call them names or anything, but I was angry. Angry at the fact that I’d been a system all this time, angry that it had affected my life for so long, angry that endos “made a mockery” of what the disorder actually was. Then as mentioned previously, I was able to get over that anger. It makes me incredibly sad that I used to be so vitriolic and bitter and that could have seriously impacted a system who was in the same situation I was.

This is not to say that all endos are actually systems who don’t know their trauma. Some of them are genuinely endo, and I don’t really care about that. However, there is no person on the internet who can truly decipher whether or not an endo is a traumagenic system who just doesn’t know their trauma or who is non-traumagenic. I genuinely thought with my whole chest that I had no trauma and that whatever trauma I might have had was nowhere near serious enough to cause a system, so I must be endo, right?

*Loud, incorrect buzzer noise*

Turns out I have RAMCOA related traumas and my system is made up of thousands of parts. I didn’t just have trauma, I had Trauma. Years and years of extreme and extensive child torture were hidden so well that I couldn’t have even begun to guess that’s what my trauma history was, even after I was finally diagnosed. (Though I should’ve known with how intense our gatekeeper was about never telling me Anything)

Moral of the story here is this:

Please consider that the endos you speak badly about could be traumagenic systems. And you would never know. Behind the screen they could be showing clear signs of a dissociative disorder, but you wouldn’t know unless they specifically described such experiences—and nobody is entitled to hearing about other people’s personal experiences or struggles. I didn’t get the help nor the community I desperately needed back then, a teen who felt like their life was turned upside down and shaken about at all times.

Be kind. Stop hating other people for stuff like this. It matters so, so little in the grand scheme of things. These internet dramas are so chronically online that nobody in the irl world would even begin to comprehend it. It doesn’t matter as much as you think it does. But what does matter is how you treat others, because that sticks with people forever.

That’s all I’ve got. Thank you, everyone.

[many-but-one]

So, our system spent a looooong fucking time trying to reblog a post by someone that goes by @system-junk-spam but after typing it out it became unrebloggable, and then upon restarting the app we found that either they spontaneously deleted their blog or they somehow blocked us while we were typing something up, despite us having never interacted with them before. That, or tumblr mobile just straight up sucks. Highly probable.

Anyway, we worked really hard on the post and still want to share our thoughts, so we’re gonna put them here. We may get eaten alive for this take, but we’ve learned to not care what others think of us. We are allowed to believe things differently than our followers do and that’s okay. Hate will not be tolerated on this post. If I see it, you are blocked.

This is our theories on how endogenic plurality can possibly exist. We’ve talked about this before but not in great detail. We are literally just gonna copy-paste our response because oh my god it took so long to type out and then transfer to our notes app because the tumblr app was messing up. To TLDR the OP’s post, they were asking for genuine examples of endogenic plurality that wasn’t just someone actually having a CDD and thinking they are endo.

—

So, for starters, I used to be anti-endo. Kind of a dick about it to be honest, but not overly hateful towards endos. I have a post explaining that situation, where I also came forward with explaining that when I was a teen I thought I was an endo because I didn't have trauma—except I did, I just didn't know it yet. I also used to do roleplay—though not as a system, for the record. I just had characters I made that I later realized were heavily based on real alters in my brain and it was that alter's way of expressing themselves before they could be known by the host part at the time. So to say I understand where you are coming from, I understand where you are coming from. I have been that person. I went hard anti-endo at first, but slowly as I've begun healing and deciding "I don't really care what people do in their lives and it's not up to me to police that" I have become what I consider "syscourse neutral" but "fine with endos, I just don't interact with the community much because I'm not endo." Mainly with the feeling of "live and let live" and "they're people deserving of respect too" driving that stance.

I start with all of that preamble because at the end of the day, whether endos "really exist" or not just…doesn't matter. They're not actually taking our resources, they're not seeking out DID specialists because most of them know they don't have DID, and the whole narrative of them "making a mockery of the disorder" is pandering to fake claimers, who are the ones who point and laugh at the disorder whether you are endo or not. Endos are not the enemies of DID systems here, fake claimers are. And whether endos exist or not, fake claimers will still fake claim people with DID no matter what.

If you make this post with the concern that people who say they are endo may actually have a CDD and that can be damaging to their healing long term (it was for me personally) or they may take longer to realize they have a CDD (happened to me), the thing is, they will eventually discover that they have a CDD if that's what they really have. You have all of these examples of people realizing they actually had a CDD because those people eventually realized that's what they had. No matter what, at some point in someone's life, if they have a CDD and the right support, they will eventually realize they have a CDD—even if they initially think they are endogenic.

To go on a personal tangent, it was actually a very good thing that I thought I was endo for so long and got completely alienated from the entire CDD community because if I had discovered I had a CDD at the time, that could have had catastrophic consequences to my safety. When I finally started questioning the system thing again my first year of college, I not only nearly ended my life multiple times (other parts attempting), but I also ended up returning to my abusers and getting hurt again (callback programming, l'm a RAMCOA system). If I had discovered that as a teen? It could have been much worse than it was when I was an adult. I could have been retrafficked if I went back, rather than just reprogrammed and sent on my way, because I was still young enough to be “good product” as a teen, but as an adult they weren’t interested in my “service” anymore, they were more interested in making sure I remained programmed so I wouldn’t report them and they wouldn’t get in trouble. (Joke’s on them, I’m reporting them to the FBI. Suckers.)

My system finally allowed itself to be discovered in my final year of college because I was a mere month away from moving out with my then-fiancée at the time, who we believed could keep us safe should we display harmful behaviors. And we were right, even if she did end up being an abusive POS later. However, I still found out I was a CDD system and did get the help I needed. And even if the situation is not quite as dire for others, if someone who has a CDD believes they are endo, chances are, the system wants that for the time being. And who are we to try to disprove that endos exist just so people will be more accepting of themselves having a CDD? You said it yourself, that people knowing before they are ready can be damaging, so it's really not such a big deal whether or not endos are "real" if that's a way for a system to exist without having to hide while also still kind of "hiding" in a way.

HOWEVER! Now that I have become more open to the concept of endogenic plurality, I have put a lot of thought into "what if it really does exist? How would that happen??" Because gosh, how brains work is exceptionally cool, and if there is a way for endos to be real, that's pretty fucking neat.

So, for the record, I am not endo and I am not fully in their circles nor do I know much about origins whatsoever, so if anyone wants to chime in their thoughts or correct me on something, please do! For this next part, I'm calling endo alters/headmates "parts" just to keep the vocab streamlined and succinct.

Some common themes I notice in endos (for the most part):

They have basically no amnesia between parts

Some can create parts at-will, while others feel like they can't just create parts at will, but their parts just kind of exist

They usually can switch at-will or control switching to some degree or even completely

Some folks usually have some kind of trauma, but that's not saying much because all humans have trauma to some degree or another. Something I've noticed, though, is that this trauma is usually not in early childhood, but in later childhood, teen years, or adult years. (Please know this is not indicative of everyone, just what l've noticed in endos l've spoken to, don't come at me if your situation looks different please!)

All of these aspects come into play for my “theories” on how endogenic plurality can exist. For the record, my “theories” are more like…my own ponderings on the subject rather than something that should be taken as fact. Only endos can decide how they exist, not me.

So initially, my main theory with endos (which l've spoken about once, a while ago) is that it is "IFS on steroids."

IFS functions with the belief that all people have parts, and that to create cohesion in everyday life means finding ways to communicate between these parts and reach healing conclusions between them. Kinda like DID treatment except these parts don't have the "becoming autonomous and elaborating" part of DID. This is often seen in therapy related to addressing your "inner child" or "inner teen" but this can also apply to "the part of me that hates my dad" and "the part of me that wants him to love me." Remember, this is a singlet we are talking about, here! Singlets can also have conflicting and contradictory feelings about their family members. Having a "conversation" between these two parts might look like one of them stating all the reasons why it's better to cut him off because he always causes harm, while the other side may explain all the reasons why they want to keep him around. Weighing these "pros and cons" in this sort of scripted conversation between these two "parts" can help singlets come to an agreement between these two contradictory feelings and find a solution that is best for that singlet "as a whole."

However, what if someone who has parts of self like any singlet does finds a different way to converse with their parts? Or maybe not just converse, but imagine them? Consider that their "responsible self who is good at keeping on track" is the self that they kind of "dial into" at school or work, so that they stay on task—so then later, the part of themselves that prefers to goof off and have fun can have more time to do that. (These may be labeled as a “school/work self” and “home self” by singlets)

Maybe that responsible side of themselves feels like a guy whose name is probably like, Richard. And he's a boring, middle aged, office worker looking dude. And that fun and goofy version of themselves that would rather ignore homework feels like a teen named something funky like Rainbow. Well, the side of themselves that's responsible (Richard) is probably gonna get into a lot of arguments with the fun-loving side of themselves (Rainbow), which can look and feel like an internal debate or struggle of "well I can totally skip this assignment because I have a good grade and my show's season just dropped and I don't wanna fall behind while my friends are caught up" being answered with "um, no, if I don't stay on top of things, I'm gonna fall behind on my schoolwork, which is WAY more important than my show"

See how that can feel a bit like CDD but not actually be a CDD?

These endogenic IFS parts of self might even become slightly more autonomous (or seem slightly more autonomous) than a normal singlet's IFS parts over time, especially if having these internal conversations are a major coping skill during stressful times. These "stressful times" can literally just be "being a teenager" because holy shit being a teenager is stressful!! Does this mean every teen who is an endo in this sort of “IFS way” will grow out of it? No! If this is a positive coping mechanism that doesn't cause harm, they may still have these parts of self well into adulthood or even their whole life. Because guess what? Being an adult is also stressful as hell. It would make sense that these parts would follow them into adulthood.

They may even have traumas they have to address in therapy that these parts of self can help them address. This doesn't mean that trauma is held within a singular part to keep the others safe from the knowledge of said trauma like a CDD system, (even if that trauma is repressed—because even people who are traumatized as adults and non-systems can have repressed trauma) because most likely, all parts of self in this IFS situation are probably either totally aware (if it is not repressed) or totally unaware (if the trauma is repressed) and when it comes time to address said traumas, the parts (while maybe not quite as fully autonomous with completely separate experiences and memories like a CDD system) can still likely be quite elaborate and be very helpful when processing these traumas or negative experiences. Brains are cool! Brains are weird! They do weird stuff to cope with shit! I totally think it's plausible for someone's IFS parts to elaborate to some degree if it helps that person cope with life, even if they don't realize it's IFS or a singlet's version of plurality at all.

Does this mean they would technically be a singlet since they don't have a “genuinely” fragmented consciousness? Maybe?? Who are we to say, you know? If they feel like they are plural even if their consciousness is not fragmented in the same way a CDD system's would be, why not let them say they are plural? They are experiencing some kind of plurality, just completely differently than someone with a CDD-related fragmented consciousness would. Which is kinda neat, if you ask me.

I recently saw a tiktoker who explained they were misdiagnosed with DID, that they'd been re-evaluated by MULTIPLE CDD specialists and been told they do not have DID, but they have some kind of parts influenced by them being schizoaffective. They genuinely have parts of self that feel like they kind of "step in" to handle certain things, with names and appearances to boot, AND this person is very dissociative based on their scores on dissociative scales— which is why they were misdiagnosed by a trauma specialist (not a CDD specialist) in the first place. Their parts are coping skills based on their delusions. Does that make their parts any less real to that person? No, they still exist and they have for a long time, but they are not dissociative parts like in DID. They have some kind of parts that get them through daily life even though they do not have a dissociative disorder. How cool is that!!! They don't cause harm, so they're not something that has to be done away with or anything. This person can just BE schizoaffective with parts. And the therapists are cool with it. Go figure.

I haven’t even gotten to the part where someone with BPD can have schema modes that are kinda like parts. Not to mention that just because people with CPTSD and PTSD may not have fully autonomous ANPs and EPs like people with CDDs do doesn't mean that the person with BPD/CPTSD/PTSD may not try to “purposely” (or accidentally) semi-elaborate those parts by assigning names or identities to help them cope.

For example, if someone has an explosion of anger due to a trigger and that non-autonomous EP is responsible for it, they may associate that non-autonomous EP's anger with someone like, I dunno, Bakugo from MHA. (I know nothing about this anime I just know this is an angry guy don't come for me please lol) So every time this person gets triggered into an anger spiral, they may assign that behavior to a version of themselves that gets really angry like Bakugo, even though it's really just the ANP being influenced by the emotions of the non-autonomous EP. “Bakugo" may never “truly” be autonomous like an EP in a CDD system would be, but that person who has CPTSD or PTSD may feel like they "become Bakugo" every time they get triggered and angry because of that non-autonomous EP's influence. Eventually, the ANP may learn how to communicate with that non-autonomous EP Bakugo and learn coping strategies for “his” anger and process the traumas that caused that emotional response, which can actually help that person heal in the long run. I think non-CDD parts can totally be a helpful coping mechanism for trauma healing. Consider how much easier it is to be kind to someone else rather than yourself. A lot of trauma survivors are incredibly hard on themselves, but may do a 180 for their friends and uplift them when they are struggling with the same thing. If someone with C/PTSD finds it easier to communicate and encourage healing to “Bakugo” rather than themselves and it ends in them healing in the long run, I’d call that a net win.

Like sure, you can say "but they're not actually endo, they just have CPTSD" but like…if they don't have a fragmented consciousness but they feel like they "become Bakugo" every time that angry non-autonomous EP is triggered, wouldn't that kinda mean that they don't have CDD alters but still experience SOME form of plurality? They may have an extremely anxious non-autonomous EP that is like a different blorbo from their shows, or they might name a non-autonomous super depressed EP after Sadness from Inside Out. While they aren't experiencing CDD plurality, one cannot really argue that they aren't experiencing some kind of plurality, right?

And gosh, what about the folks who genuinely don't have serious enough trauma to have PTSD or CPTSD and aren't really needing the IFS parts to cope, but created their parts just because? Why not? Especially if they aren't trying to demedicalize DID a la Astrea's Web or purposely trying to throw vitriol into the community, what is the harm in it? I already mentioned that they really aren't making a mockery of the disorder, fake claimers are. So what’s the big deal, really?

Why can't we as traumagenic systems just let endos exist without concrete proof? From what l've gathered, there have been studies on non-traumagenic plurality (I believe @sysmedsaresexist has shared these studies before but I may be mistaken...sorry for the tag, SAS) so clearly scientists have noticed this is a thing that happens.

Aren't you, as a traumagenic system, fucking sick of fake claimers CONSTANTLY questioning your existence, your reality? Don't you think endos probably feel the same way towards us? Like yeah, we have a lot of scientific proof we exist, but fake claimers will straight up ignore that shit and say the scientists are wrong. Why are we doing literally the same shit? Like come on, put yourself in their shoes! Let them exist whether there's a bazillion studies on them or not! As long as they aren't trying to cause active harm to others or the community (most endos just wanna exist in peace without being constantly fake claimed and harassed, for the record—just like us traumagenic systems!), just let them be! Live and let live. We cannot dictate how they experience their life, whether it's real or not. (I personally think it is, it's just not the same as a CDD—our experiences with plurality are inherently different as a traumatized system of parts.)

I hope my very long ramble was of help to you and others?

Since opening up to the possibility of endos being real and not being so stressed about whether it is or not, l've just been a much happier person overall—not to mention have a much greater appreciation for how cool the brain is and what we as people do to cope with shit. Plurality as a whole is really fucking cool from a scientific perspective. I think being more open-minded and accepting in general will also just make you feel better as a person. We don't need to be asking all these questions, we can just let it be! It's way less stressful, tbh.

[many-but-one]

I want to preface that I’m not trying to correct you or say that any of what you said is untrue.

Because it is, and unfortunately so much of the CDD community tends to not realize that there are persecutors that do things like this to other parts of the system. Our system has spoken quite openly about how demonizing other systems for locking away parts isn’t helpful or conducive to healing, as some systems have to do that for their own safety and the wellbeing of their parts, and to demonize systems who have to do this perpetuates shame and increases the harm that system could be putting themselves under. “Well the tumblr systems say it’s bad to lock up persecutors so I must be bad” or worse, “Well they say it’s bad so I won’t do it” and then more painful things happen in-sys that makes it even harder for that system to stay safe. Speaking from experience, trauma holders being perpetually assaulted from inside aren’t in a place to even attempt to stabilize in the outside world because to them there is nowhere safe to go, both in and out of the inner world. Vasile made a meme about this very subject on our tiktok:

This is not to say this should be the default for a system whose persecutor steps out of line once or twice, because persecutors often have a flawed methodology to their decision making. People like to say “I hate when people say persecutors are just misguided protectors” and I can understand why they feel that way, but having been in therapy for our DID for nearly three years now (over four if you count the 1+ year she spent to diagnose us) this actually *is* true, even for systems who have parts who are purposely programmed to carry out harmful behaviors in the system. These parts are trying to keep others in line from the inside, and they do so via harmful means. Because if parts stay in line on the inside, they are less likely to step out of line on the outside, which increases safety for the system overall. Less punishment and pain for the external body, which is what the system is built to protect. Even the systems who are made on purpose, all parts serve a purpose of protection. It just may not look like protection.

This is why I added the disclaimer at the beginning of my post, because everything you say is true here, that parts sometimes need to be made dormant and sometimes parts need to be locked away for a time for the betterment of the system. That not all persecutors are edgy meanguys who might be a little mean spirited sometimes. They can and do enact serious harm upon parts internally or externally. The only caveat I'm adding to this post is adding that while yes they do this, I want to make it clear for those who follow me and read my posts that as awful as some persecutors (or in programmed systems like us, programmed parts/IPs) can be genuinely harmful and extremely difficult to work with, there is a method to the madness, even if it doesn’t make sense to anyone else in the system. Having spoken to many of our higher ups who have done these things in the past and are working to change, they have had a lot to say on the subject of why they did what they did (and the guilt for doing so—they pretended to not care, they acted like they enjoyed doing these things, but that couldn’t be further from the truth.) In reality, they were in immense pain and having to do these things made them feel terrible. They did it to try to protect but didn’t even realize they didn’t need to protect like that anymore. These were survival techniques designed in childhood, but it’s not childhood anymore, and we don’t need them to do these things anymore.

We made a post recently talking about how to work with higher ups/IPs in a programmed system, but this can be applied to any persecutory part who tends to use inner world violence as a means of control, I’ll link it here.

Obviously it’s best to save working with these parts until one is with a skilled therapist, but having the understanding and the building blocks for when one is ready may be useful.

I hope you don’t mind that I added to this. I don’t want to take away from the emotions behind this post because you are well within your rights to feel them—we feel the same. And you are right, we are not bad people for having parts like this in our system. And demonizing systems who have parts like this only creates further divide in a community that is already rife with division.

shoutout to people who have persecutors that are genuinely dangerous. persecutors who are abusive to other parts in the system. persecutors who recreate abuse by beating, s/aing, and killing other parts. persecutors who have to be locked up or kept from front for the safety of the system and the body. persecutors who target children, or animals, or other vulnerable alters in the system.

not all persecutors are the edgy, meany part who says not nice things sometimes. some persecutors are genuinely horrible to the rest of the system or those outside it even. not all of them can 'get better' by being talked to gently and told nice words. some need to be locked in places insys or otherwise punished for the safety of the system itself.

i'm not a bad person for having parts like this, nor am i bad person for the way i HAVE to deal with them. i cannot heal them on my own, i need a therapist in order to safely do so. and that doesn't make me a shitty person.

[many-but-one]

Okay everyone, I have to talk about this movie my partner and I went to see together. Some of you may have seen info about it before. It is called Wild Robot. (Trailer linked)

This movie could not get any more overt about its message about “overriding your programming.” Specifically, overriding your programming and becoming “more than what you were programmed to be” and overriding your programming in order to help each other and keep each other safe. Another big theme is deciding not to return to the programmers to “get fixed.” Although, spoiler alert, it does sort of happen, but not in the way you think. It has a happy ending.

This movie was delightful, heartwarming, adorable, and incredibly impactful for our system to see, especially our parts who are young and still a bit ingrained with their programming. While we consider ourselves fully deprogrammed in the “parts are willing to not run their programming” way, they still have to process a lot of the traumas that caused the programming and fully deconstruct the narratives they were taught about themselves. Seeing this movie really hit hard for a lot of these parts who are still struggling with this.

I highly, highly recommend this movie to any RAMCOA or programmed system who feels this sort of message being delivered in a heartwarming kid’s movie format may be of help. There’s tons of media geared towards teens and adults about overriding programming (Detroit: Become Human was a huge hit for our parts even before the lesser knowing ones even realized why, for example) but we have never seen a movie geared towards children with this message, and it may help systems whose young parts may need a different format of the same message!

[many-but-one]

Hey, you, person scrolling on tumblr.

It does get better.

I know you hear it all the time, you’re probably sick of hearing it. I know I was when I was going through it. Like yeah, great, it’ll get better in ten years! Doesn’t help me right now, though, when I’m going through mental hell and just wish that death would take my suffering away.

I get it, I’ve been there.

Whether you are actively suicidal and practicing writing your note in your phone’s notes app, whether you’ve attempted and want to attempt again, whether you’re passively suicidal in the “I’m gonna start smoking because I don’t care if it kills me” way or the “I don’t drive with a seatbelt just in case I get in a car wreck and might have my suffering finally ended” way or in the “I don’t look both ways before crossing the street because maybe someone will be speeding and not paying attention and kill me” kind of way.

I’ve been in all of those states before. Many times. I’m writing this because I’m feeling ideation and it’s why I’m writing it. The reason it’s ideation and not action and why I’m not acting is because I know it will pass. I just gotta ride the wave.

It does get better. It doesn’t happen overnight. It can take hard work. Which sucks, because I know you’re tired. You’re bone tired. Soul-deep tired. I know. Hard work sounds like the last thing you wanna do right now, when you wish that every time you slept that you wouldn’t wake up again.

But it’s not the kind of hard work that you have to finish at a certain time. There’s no due-date for wellness. You have plenty of time to get it done, all you have to do is keep showing up.

For some, it’s talk therapy. For some it’s therapy and medication. For some it’s gonna take processing some deep seeded traumas and it’s gonna suck. But it is worth it. It really is.

Currently you are looking through life with sunglasses on. Everything is so, so dark. Even on sunny days when sunglasses can be helpful, you’re still muting the world around you. The colors aren’t vibrant, everything is a dull shade. You step inside and it’s dark. At nighttime, it’s too dark to even see. Eventually you gotta work on taking those sunglasses off. It might seem futile to step outside and take your sunglasses off because you know that you’re just going to put them right back on. But every day you go out and take those sunglasses off even for a minute at a time and really take in everything you’ve been missing, you’ll start leaving them off more. You’ll get to see more things. Do more things. Things you would have totally missed with them on. And eventually you’ll realize that if you had killed yourself, you wouldn’t get to see and do all of these beautiful things you’ve been missing.

I know that analogy makes depression seem like a choice, but hear me out. Sometimes you will need help taking those sunglasses off. Sometimes you will need to take medicine that makes taking the sunglasses off easier. Sometimes you’ll need to talk to your therapist about this dark world you’re seeing, and you know you need to take these glasses off but they are so heavy. Eventually you will gain the skills and the strength can take them off one minute at a time and experience the bright world you’re missing. Sometimes you need that mobility aid that can help you get outside in the first place, that pain medicine that helps you get out of bed to even make it to the door. It can take time to get those things too, and it’s so devastating when it takes so long to get the help you need, but you can’t give up. There is so much beautiful world out there and you deserve to see it.

Rainy days will happen in the midst of the bright and sunny ones, and that’s okay too. Rain is necessary, it keeps the world bright. It makes flowers grow, it nourishes the earth around you. But rainstorms don’t last forever, and neither will this bout of sadness amongst your sunny days. (Talking to you, folks who have been doing well and feel yourself getting bad again. Ride the wave, things will settle down again soon.)

Ten years ago I was sixteen. My first suicide attempt I can recall was when I was eleven. In the last ten years alone I’ve had many, many more. Some were meant to end my life, others were related to my specific circumstances and were meant to cause me harm but not kill me.

I am glad I am here today, at 26. These last six years alone have been some of the most difficult parts of my mental health journey outside of my young childhood. I had to work through some serious trauma. I had to learn how to set boundaries. I had to divorce my wife whom I had thought was good to me but was actually abusing me and I didn’t know it because I didn’t know what a healthy relationship was supposed to be. I had to finish college. I had to come to terms with a physical disability. I had to learn how to be comfortable asking for accommodations. I had to learn to stop fighting my brain and start working with it. I had to learn how to love myself. Every version of myself, even the versions of myself that are small and scared and hurt and want me to die. I had to work on my self esteem. I had to come to terms with cutting out toxic family for good. I had to go to work while I’m doing all of this. I had to find a reason for living every day, even if the reason is so simple as “my cats would wonder where I went if I died.” Even if the reason was “I don’t want my internet friends to wonder why I’m not posting anymore.” And as I started to gain larger followings of people who were rooting for me, it became “I can’t let them down, I have to show them that healing is possible.”

Something I’ve said to a lot of suicidal people who feel bad about telling me that they are only alive because they don’t want to make me sad is this: “if that is what is keeping you alive right now, then good. Whatever keeps you on this earth is important. Because every day that you are here is one more day that you will get closer to being able to live not just for other people, but for yourself.” And I am here to tell you that it is possible to be in a place where you are living because you want to. Where you are living because you are excited for what the future will bring. Where you are joyfully curious to what you can accomplish. Where you will look back on your toughest years and say “shit, if I can get through THAT then I can get through ANYTHING.”

I am 26 years old and I still get suicidal ideation. Usually because of trauma related stuff. Triggers, anniversaries, etc. I am not suicidal every day anymore. I don’t wish for death every time I go to sleep. I love myself. I look at myself in the mirror and even when I’m sleepy headed and bleary eyed with dry ass skin and messed up teeth, I am like “DAMN LOOK AT YOU SUPERSTAR” because gods damn, if I can live through all I’ve lived through already, then I sure as hell can take on just about anything the world can throw at me.

I am in a healthy relationship now. It’s not something I thought was possible. (Seriously, the first time I saw my girlfriend look at me with love in her eyes I almost cried because I’ve never seen a partner look at me that way.) I’m learning how to be a good partner too, and how to set boundaries. I’m still learning how to be a human being. I’m still learning how to speak up when I get mistreated by people at work or out in public. I still get anxiety about leaving the house on occasion.

I’m learning that romantic love and platonic love can be equally deep and rewarding. I love my best friend with all my heart and soul. I love my girlfriend just as much. I’m learning I can have healthy amounts of intimacy with both my friend and my girlfriend, and it doesn’t have to end in a triggered spiral or desperately taking a shower trying to scratch the feeling of skin on skin contact off of me.

I’m learning that grounding methods and distractions are some of the most important tools in my healing toolbox. I’ve learned that sadness and anxiety and emotional pain doesn’t last forever. This post right now is me distracting myself and riding the wave through this triggered feeling I’m working through. I’ve learned that another important tool in my toolbox is hope. Hope that I will get better, hope that my life will not always be one nightmare after another, hope that things will settle down and I’ll be able to breathe again. And maybe have a fancy umbrella drink to celebrate, too. (Inside joke😉)

It will get better. Sometimes all it takes is a scenery change. Other times it takes literally tearing your life apart at the seams and gently stitching it back up into something you want to live. If you are a teenager reading this, you would be shocked at how much better things get when you move out of your parents’ house. If you feel stuck in an abusive situation and there’s no way out, I’m here to remind you that there is always a way out, and there will be people who will help you do so.

And remember, you’re not alone. No matter how unique your situation may be, someone else has either gone through it or is going through it now too. Find a community who is centered on support and healing. Changing your mindset and perspective is important.

You can get better. It takes time, patience, grit, and determination. And you’ve already got all that. I know, because you are here reading this post.

It will be okay. You will be okay. Deep breath.

You got this.

[many-but-one]

Me, early on in my recovery, not having very solid relationships with alters yet:

*minding my business*

“I literally wanna kms”

“Let’s focus on healthy coping mechanisms! Distractions and grounding is so important, especially when you’re feeling suicidal due to emotional flashbacks. Let’s get some grounding items and get to work!”

Me, 3.5 years into DID therapy and having well established relationships with most parts other than tiny fragments:

*minding my business*

“I want to fucking die. I want to [describes violent method of suicide in gruesome detail].”

“Wow. That’s kind of a lot for 7pm on a Tuesday.”

“Fair enough, my b.”

[many-but-one]

From the context of this message it sounds like you don’t have great communication with some of your folks that are struggling internally. (“There’s nothing I can do about it” and “I do not know where this alter is/what I can do for them.” Is what brings me to this conclusion.)

So—good news, there are some things you can do about this, or at least things you can attempt. These are things our host struggled with early on and on blurry days, communication can revert back to when it was much poorer and I kept higher amnesia barriers between parts. This should go without saying that I am the primary gatekeeper of our system and may have some good insight here.

Here are a few things to start helping these parts whose feelings are “leaking/bleeding” into the fronting part:

1) self soothing behaviors. If you have a collective show you find comforting, or a collective music album or playlist that helps calm the negative thoughts, this is a good place to start. Comfort food, warm blankets, hot cocoa, tea, coffee, whatever floats your boat. This can be any number of things, and as you learn more about parts’ behaviors and triggers and understanding why they feel the way they do, it will become easier to know which self soothing activities work best for what parts. (i.e. a young alter may enjoy kids shows and sweet snacks, while a teenaged trauma holder probably won’t like or be soothed the same things.)

2) Work on communicating. Even if you hear nothing back, because more than likely they can indeed hear you. We have coached systems in our “real” life through these feelings like this: essentially, what you will do is come up with a “mantra” that fits your situation. “We are in a big body now. We are [age.] It is [year.] We are living with [people you’re living with if applicable.] We are safe now. We are not in danger. I and other protectors will keep us safe from harm.” You can add whatever other present-day grounding information that works for you. Oftentimes these alters leaking emotions are triggered in some way, and they may be triggered from deep inside or from behind amnesia barriers, and they may not fully understand that you are not a kid anymore or you are not a teen anymore (if applicable.) This becomes slightly more difficult if you are still living in an unsafe or unstable environment, but how I would edit that to fit that situation is saying “we are safe right NOW, we will be safe right NOW, in [month/day/year/etc.]”

So in addition to not only thinking the mantra, you should say it out loud if you can. In addition, also write it down either physically on a piece of paper or in your phone’s notes app. The reason for this is sometimes hosts don’t have “communication lines” with certain trauma holders (or any, for that matter), so ONLY thinking the communication internally may not work. Saying it out loud will help the person inside hear with the body’s ears. If you have to record your voice saying it, even, do it. And writing adds another layer of communication. If for some reason they are deep enough inside that they can’t hear, they can still maybe get glimpses out of the eyes, and if they see you writing it as you are also speaking and thinking it, it can help the message really get driven home. Also, if they end up closer to the front later, seeing that note pinned to your phone’s home screen or sitting on your nightsand/desk/tacked to the wall they will still get the message, even if you are not actively thinking it or saying it aloud. Oftentimes when these parts start to understand what “time” they are in, they will begin to calm down.

3) If you have any communication at all with protector parts, caretaker parts, gatekeeper parts, or any part at all that you KNOW isn’t the one feeling these feelings, try to ask them either a) who is upset or b) if they can tend to the upset part. Because unfortunately in this day in age, no matter what you’re doing, extreme levels of anxiety and sickness from triggers makes for a lot of difficulties in functioning. Anxiety is a full-body emotion, which can not only wear you down emotionally but will also make you extremely tired mentally and physically. For those who are in school, working, or are just wanting energy to be able to do daily tasks—this is not ideal. For those with further disabilities such as physical disabilities or things like chronic fatigue or pain, this can be even more devastating. Communicating with as many parts as possible and explaining WHY we need to get these parts calmed down (so you will be less anxious and more functional) may help get folks on board and cooperating.

If it’s an especially blurry day or a very low communication day or the trigger is especially bad that day, none of these may work. And that’s okay, that doesn’t mean you can’t try again another time. These things take a lot of dedication and work, which can be really hard when you’re already feeling scared and exhausted. It’s unfair as fuck that folks with DID pretty much never REALLY get to take breaks. Someone’s always working inside or outside, because if they don’t, everything will kind of go to shit. It’s awful because we are already struggling deeply with parts/alters, but also the trauma they carry, the toll it takes on the body as a whole, and any other additional comorbids that come with trauma/dissociation/abuse.

A very important thing to keep in mind is to be kind to yourself and your parts. As frustrating as this is, they likely feel this way for a reason and it’s not to spite you or make you feel awful on purpose. Being frustrated is okay, but try your best to speak kindly and with as much empathy/sympathy that you can muster, because these parts likely hold things separately for a reason and they are burdened by knowledge you do not have. They have context that is missing from your own knowledge base.

Additionally, if/when communication starts lifting or getting better, try your best to start understanding the WHY behind the feelings. This is NOT digging into trauma details or trauma memories, gatekeepers, I can already tell you are throwing walls up before I even post this😂 The WHY behind the feeling can help with trigger management. Knowing what sets parts off can help with either avoiding those situations until you are in a better headspace or in a therapeutic relationship with a trauma therapist who can help dismantle the triggers or help you work on controlling the reaction to the triggers when they happen or preparing for them if they are inevitable, like showers.

I hope this helps, and if you or anyone else has further questions, feel free to ask. Our ask box and DMs are open, and we do our best to respond to reblogs.

-James

y’all emotional bleed w/ did is actually so annoying like I hate when I feel awful all of the sudden and I can’t place it then I realize it’s an alter and there’s like.. nothing I can do about it? like i feel really anxious and nauseous and I do not know where this alter is/what I can do for them so. ahggggghhh

[many-but-one]

why do people program kids? what's the point???

(TW: ramcoa, programming, mc, trafficking, torture, child death, csem)

This is a question that has been rattling around in many people’s brains for a long time. I will rephrase your question in a way that is even more blunt: why do people torture kids? Because that is what programming is. Torture.

There are two answers, one is the one that programmers would say. One is the truth.

What programmers say: to create a perfect slave, someone who will do what I want with a simple gesture, phrase, etc. No matter the risk of harm to them or others.

The truth: thrill seeking egocentric sadists derive pleasure from torturing kids, raping kids, and making them bend to their will. They often film it and sell the media to other sick fucks for profit. These sorts of videos are unfortunately extremely profitable. One snuff film made over the course of a night could be worth thousands of dollars. That is why they do it. They like hurting people, kids are easy to control, and they like making money doing it.

There is no real, justified reason why programmers do what they do. There is no justification for torturing children and animals, no matter what they say. And if they truly believe what they tell others, it is because it helps them distance themselves from their heinous acts. If they are creating something with it, it makes the actions seem justifiable to the right people. They may claim they are building an army of programmed soldiers, but don’t realize that if they sent their programmed system into a combat situation the gunfire would trigger them so such a degree that they would be rendered useless. They make subservient sex slaves for profit, but once they get too old to not draw in the same crowd, they dispose of them and let them out into the world with no care to the mental and physical toll that life as a sex slave has done to the child.

They are insidious, evil people. They do not see children as human beings, but products to sell. Animals to put down. They care a lot less about the final product and more about the product that is made along the way—the torture films they make money off of and the excitement and thrill they get from torturing kids to program them.

Programming is not like how Alison Miller and many other conspirators make it seem. They are not making super soldiers or spies. They are profiting off of child torture and then either killing them by the end or letting them go. The only true reason things like callback programming or loyalty programming or silence programming or omega/suicide programming exists is so that they don’t get caught. If the system goes back, they will either be killed or reprogrammed or retrafficked or convinced to become a programmer themselves. They will not be going to complete some sacred duty that the programmers told them. Loyalty is only so they never tell secrets. Silence is so they never tell secrets. Suicide programming is so that they will die before telling secrets.

Programming is all about profit and not getting caught. That is why they do it. My programmers told me all the time that I would eventually become a spy for them. Black Widow style—a seductress who would kill their targets. The reality? I was a sex slave who had to commit heinous acts on camera that they sold, and when they were done with me, they cared less about that “end product” they claimed I was working towards. They’d rather see me kill myself than say even a modicum of truth about their motives.

To which I would say: kill me yourself, you cowards.

I hope that answers your question.

-Jade 🐉 (she/her)

[many-but-one]

Had a friend wondering this and this is a question we’ve answered before but I figured making a post for the masses would be useful.

Question:

“How much of childhood is normal for someone to forget?”

Upon asking a plethora of non-traumatized people, this is what we’ve gathered as a “normal” capability of remembering in terms of childhood. Remember…NON-TRAUMATIZED people are who we are talking about, or at least non-CPTSD people, because trauma is inherently a part of life.

-Most people in their teens can remember most of their childhood, both good and bad parts of the childhood. They can typically remember as early as age 5, and usually remember good things or extremely bad one-off events with more clarity.

-people in their 20s can typically remember about the same as teens can, though it may get fuzzier as they get older, and those “core memories” are the ones they can recall the best, though if someone reminds them of a moment in their childhood they wouldn’t normally be able to recall off the bat, they can then remember that with pretty full clarity. (“Remember that one time you ate all that candy at the holiday dinner! Haha! You got so sick!” “Oh right!!! Yeah, that was AWFUL!!”) Typically they can still remember as early as age 5-7, and can remember after age ten extremely well, and can definitely remember their teen years.

-people in their thirties and forties usually remember core memories, typically moments of extreme happiness or extreme sadness. They usually remember their lives in milestones rather than ages. (“The year I got my first bike” or “the year I got that one tattoo”) Again, if they are reminded of something they can typically remember it with pretty decent clarity. Their memories of very early childhood are pretty degraded unless reminded, but recall is usually as far back as age 7-10.

-people older than 50 can usually remember major life events in their childhood, and often remember their teen years pretty well. Like the 30-40s people, they usually remember their lives in milestones rather than ages. Marriage, people they dated, new jobs, etc. Recall deteriorates as they get older and older, so they will usually only be able to easily recall moments in their teen years at this age, and major life events in their childhood may not have as much clarity, but they still can remember, especially when reminded. Once old age related memory loss sets in, this becomes more difficult and recall memory deteriorates a LOT as they grow older, but being reminded of things can usually jog their memory.

How our old host remembered our childhood on a day to day basis before system discovery:

-Pre age 10 was sporadic, and only positive memories. Most things were only remembered because people told them stories about the memories, but not because they actually remembered living it.

-huge memory gaps in various years after age 10, but that was covered up pretty easily with a few sporadic positive memories sprinkled in there, making them believe that their life had been peaches and cream for most of their life. They split up as our host when we were 17 years old and that’s when their own working memory really starts, so they could remember both good and bad after age 17, which made them believe that only bad things happened after that age because they couldn’t remember anything bad before that unless they were told something bad happened.

This is coming from an HC-DID system who used to have extremely high amnesia barriers between trauma holding parts and non-trauma holding parts, though. These days there is a lot more memory sharing, but we are also 25 and not in trauma time anymore so that is possible.

[many-but-one]

i believe survivors of RAMCOA when they talk about the abuse they suffered, but the one thing i cannot wrap my head around is how abusers purposefully program alters? and this makes the moral ocd worms in my brain go NUTS.

i think i dont understand bc not every child who goes through severe torture/abuse will develop DID/OSDD and it feels way more probable that abusers arent attempting to make alters so much as theyre conditioning certain responses (and if a childs brain happens to split these experiences into alters then thats a byproduct that benefits the abuser).

all of this makes me feel like a bad ally to RAMCOA survivors, and while its not your job to educate me would you mind explaining how the programming alters aspect works?

[Trigger warning: talking about how programming works and why not all children who experience RAMCOA develop DID or may not end up becoming fully programmed. Brief mentions of child death. Mentions of child torture. Nothing in detail, obviously. Also talking a lot about how the deprogramming process works. If you are a programmed system yourself and you worry this could be triggering, have grounding items nearby just in case.]

Note: when I say “successfully” or “properly” programmed system, I’m talking about in the eyes of the abusers. Also, this is talking about TBMC (torture based mind control) programmers. I have to put that disclaimer because you wouldn’t believe how many confused computer programmers I’ve gotten in comment sections on other socials.

So, the reason not every child who goes through RAMCOA develops DID is because developing DID requires some pre-requisites. Things like genetic predisposition to dissociate actually do make a big difference. Also, how early the abuse started. If someone goes through RAMCOA trauma, but not until they’re older and their personality has already begun integrating (which can happen younger in some children, even as young as around age 5-7, though some researchers have said personality integration can happen as late as the teen years) it will be significantly harder to develop DID and therefore properly program the child. In addition, how much access programmers have to the child, how long they had access to the child, and how much support the child has outside of the abuse are also contributing factors.

If programmers see this kid one week out of the month, the parents don’t know about it and therefore the kid has a relatively okay home life with love and support, and they only have access to the kid for a couple years, that’s not going to be good grounds for programmers being able to properly do what they want to do. Some may still try if they don’t have access to anyone else, but this rarely creates a “successful” programmed system. Conversely, if they see the kid every day or multiple days a week, a parent is in on it/they have a bad home life where abuse (of possibly a lesser magnitude but not always) occurs, the parents are neglectful or very busy and likely to not notice things, and they have access to this kid for several years, that makes for a better chance that this kid will be properly programmed.

Because of all of these factors, programmers will often pick children who they know have parents with PTSD or CPTSD (or a dissociative disorder, if the parent has disclosed that to them), who they can access early in their life or have prior history of abuse (so are more likely to already have begun developing a dissociative disorder), and whom they have access to frequently. Sometimes, the child’s parent will be programmed by the group themselves and be born quite literally just to be programmed by the group. Some groups take great care in keeping family groups within the group because that creates stronger loyalty bonds and gives them easy access to children to program. It’s not uncommon for a group goal to be for their grown programmed systems to have kids to eventually give to the group, which is why apprehending a programmed system and having them work on deprogramming before this can happen is essential.

A lot of kids that programmers desire to program actually end up “failing out” because they aren’t able to take to the programming. Depending on the group, this could mean they will end the kid’s life or they will just stop the programming-related abuse altogether. And contrary to what most people know, even successfully programmed children have loads of failed programs, or parts that didn’t take well to programming. Most of the time these parts who have failed programming will be put in “discard areas” in the system’s inner world, and they will be either forced into dormancy or they will be stuck there until amnesia barriers eventually break down as the grown person starts to work on deprogramming (if they ever do.) A successfully programmed system’s most active parts are parts who did not fail their programming, and these are often the most well-rounded parts retrofitted with a personality that would have likely been created by the abusers.

To add: there is often layers upon layers of amnesia even in these single well-rounded parts (that often end up having an alters-in-alters subsystem, and said part might not even be aware they have one) and the “top part” or most front-facing part of that subsystem may not even be aware they are programmed. At least, until a cue happens and their program starts running and they start doing things they wouldn’t normally be doing. A lot of programmed parts don’t even know their own cues or even what traumas they have that would have created their programming. They might know they have trauma, but the memories of the programming might be missing, or the context surrounding the programming traumas might be missing. Usually these cues and context behind the traumas are hidden in EPs or fragments that are buried pretty deep within their subsystems. Accessing these EPs in therapy is integral to the deprogramming process, as learning what manipulations were done to make a programmed part believe what they do is essential in undoing it. All deprogramming really is, is showing programmed parts that what their abusers made them believe was true is a lie and that they are not at risk to be harmed anymore if they no longer have contact with the group. (Cutting off a system’s communication with the group is first and foremost what they should do when deprogramming)

As for your assumption, that abusers are trying to condition children and these experiences happen to split an alter to hold the conditioned response, you are partially right. In some cases, especially in cases where it’s a single parent or a family unit doing this to their own kids, it’s often more likely that the parent is not fully aware that they are creating a DID system. This is where the difference between programming and conditioning is important to note. We made a video about this here: link to TikTok video.

However, in larger groups, programmers do know they are creating a system. DID is not some unknown secret to much of the world, and research about it is easy to find. Even inexperienced groups can find research on DID and how alters form very easily and use that to try and create a system in a child. Whether or not they will be successful with that info alone is hard to say. I was abused by two different groups, one of them inexperienced and one of them very experienced. The initial attempts at programming were often unsuccessful, and we assume they got in contact with the experienced group to learn more and they essentially showed our main handler/programmer how it was done. (We have memories of him being taught and observing/taking part as necessary to the teachings, so this is not speculation, we know this was the case.) Once we were in the hands of the experienced group, we became very well programmed and our system’s organization changed massively. On top of that, the inexperienced group was now experienced, so we actually have alters who are programmed by two separate groups, each loyal to their own group. Some of our parts were loyal to both because they were programmed by both. (“Were” loyal because we’ve deprogrammed significantly and they no longer feel loyal to the groups anymore.)

Like I said in my initial post, programming alters is actually not that complicated on the surface, though in practice it is difficult, and to create a well programmed system takes a lot of skill and intelligence. Skilled programmers are unfortunately often incredibly smart individuals. Anyone who’s been willing to speak with me about their programmers often cite them as being people with high level college degrees. Doctors, engineers, mathematicians, scientists, psychologists. If not a college degree, they often work in areas like police work, political work, religious ministry, or other city/county/state positions. If none of these, they (horrifyingly) tend to work in areas where children are often present. Pediatric doctors/nurses, summer camp counselors, Sunday school teachers, daycare attendants, nannying jobs, teaching, etc. While not all programmers will fit this bill, a lot of them do. In the world outside of their programming job, they are often well-liked by their community. This is not to say everyone in these positions is a programmer, also. Want to make that REALLY clear. Not every person with this job has a secret side job of torturing kids, these just happen to be common areas they tend to gravitate toward. They are often thrill-seeking sadists and egocentric. Having a position in their community in which they are consistently recognized for their accomplishments or adored is often important to them. Sometimes, programmers are also programmed themselves, especially in large groups with generational aspects involved.

Now that that’s out of the way, I’m not going to explain in explicit detail how programming works because that doesn’t make me comfortable to share, but a very dumbed down version of it is pretty simple:

1) torture child to create alter splits

2) get one of these splits to front via triggers related to the torture that caused them to split

3) indoctrinate them with a behavior or action that, if they do not do that action, means they will be punished further. While they are doing said action/being indoctrinated with certain beliefs, have a specific trigger or cue present so that when they see that trigger/cue in the future, they will immediately do the action/enforce the beliefs they have been taught.

4) repeat steps 1-3, basically.

This is why I explained that programming is kind of like conditioning on steroids. Except the child is severely manipulated, tortured, and has extreme threats of harm to self or others to reinforce it, and this is done repeatedly, to the point where it causes the alter extreme duress if they do not do their assigned task because if they didn’t do their task in the past (in childhood) they would be tortured or would have to witness other children be tortured. They will fully believe if they do not do the thing, they or others WILL be hurt, and they believe the programmers WILL know if they don’t, so they often just do it automatically in efforts to avoid the punishment they believe is coming. It is extremely hard for them to override the emotional flashbacks, somatic flashbacks, etc, if they try to resist doing the task. Adding onto that, programmers will often create alters who will punish parts in the inner world the same way the abusers would if they do not do their task, so that is another layer of fear on top of that. These programmed parts often cannot distinguish the difference between outer world torture and inner world torture, as they rarely get contact with the outside world except to do their tasks. So if they don’t do their task, they will be punished by alters in the inner world space and they may fully believe they are being punished in real life. Creating safe spaces for alters to go in the inner world if they don’t do their assigned task is an important part of deprogramming. Because once an alter realizes they will not be punished both externally and internally by not doing a certain action, they will be much less inclined to do said action.

If all of that sounds extremely messed up and fucks with your moral OCD, you’re right to feel that way. It is messed up. These people are vile, fucked up, and cruel. They often do not see the children as human beings and care not of how much this damages the child physically, psychologically, and emotionally. These children are dehumanized beyond belief. Many programmed parts of a system do not see themselves as human unless they were specifically meant to be human. Commonly created alters are things with no free will or no ability to think for themselves, such as angels, robots, and inanimate objects. If a child truly believes they cannot think for themselves, it will be harder to deprogram them. Which is why deprogramming often involves teaching the grown system that they are allowed to make choices outside of their group’s desires and control. It is not easy.

For those that read this and are feeling dissociated and/or anxious, remember your grounding techniques. Get some mints, cinnamon candies, or sour candies and munch. Smell a strong scented candle. Hold some ice or hand warmers in your hands. Look around the room and pick out items that you recognize to be from the present. Pet a cat/dog/[insert animal here] or hug a stuffed animal. Remember, it is currently 2024 and you are safe. Your abusers will not know you read this unless you tell them yourself. You are brave, capable, and safe. I believe in you and your healing journey.

Take care, everyone.