melon-dot-com

[melon-dot-com]

I think parents just see red sometimes and do not even bother with what a kid is actually saying. And trust me, I normally wouldn't defend my cousin either. Nor was it good they assumed their options (halloween related). But they actually tried to stay calm (despite the adults immediately accusing and getting agitated) and while trying to explain something better it's like they had already decided what my cousin was trying to do and was doing it out of malice and selfishness.

Like idk it's so weird. Because my cousin IS like that often (tbh my main problem is when they insist on things or demand, which was not happening here) so you think the adults would be able to tell the difference?? That they are trying to take a calmer route??

They didn't even say anything that bad... they said where they could get cheap candy for halloween (not even asking for it at first though it seems that was what they were thinking of). Big bags specifically. Probably thinking it'd be more likely if they asked for cheaper candy.

They also have been more likely to back down from a no- their habits of being insistent or bartering after a 'No', still happen from time to time, but it's been getting shorter. Though for all I know that's with me only, for some reason. (I am not very reactive is all I can think as to why). Idk it just feels hypocritical when they are like ''you shouldn't be rude / demanding / disrespectful'' to my cousin, and then not even encourage when they do just that.

[melon-dot-com]

bonking my head against desk.mp4

I wasted time on something unimportant and that I didn't even care about again!!!!! I'm gonna Lose It!!!!

[melon-dot-com]

OCD for me is weird because I swear most OCD related posts are either of these: obsessive cleanliness, or intrusive thoughts (like moral dilemma).

While I did have the latter pretty badly and... maybe still do. The most pressing is that I fixate on adjusting things: my sheets. my plushies. my pillow alignment. my desk monitors. the way I sit at my desk. the way my blanket is laid (pattern print is facing outward). the crafting materials I have lined up on my right side of my desk (it's L shaped) to be at the end of the surface but not so far it could easily fall off, but not so inward it takes up unnecessary room. And many more, but I want to say those are some of the common ones.

I do have some of the cleaning one too. But with certain things. And I seem to have more ''contamination'' OCD than anything. Or at least that's the closest that seems to fit. Sometimes I'll just feel like something I touched left a residue on my hands. Even if said thing likely didn't. I can Feel it. I am always wiping off my desk- though partially this is because of hair or cat fur that I am worried I can't see and will later feel or will get on my food/drink at some point. (There's probably other stuff I just don't want to type it out)

All of this I noticed causes me to tense and stress wayyy more than I should be. My back and sometimes body in general ends up hurting. But it's like. What do I even do about all this :/

I've managed to do better at times... I mean when you are literally sore and burnt out, you just can't continue. Although I sometimes still try to ''fix'' stuff anyways. Some days I practice exercises in my head to tell myself that what is currently happening is ''correct'' and attempt to avoid adjusting. And then some days I'll have what I call an ''OCD attack'' where I fixate on adjusting / folding / lining / organizing *one thing* for so long it ends up burning me out because I've been doing it for an hour+.

I've cried afterwards a few times. Knowing I saw the time go but still couldn't leave the task alone. Telling myself if I just do a little bit more, it'll be done. It'll be over. I just need to take that bit of extra time... and then after I finally step away from it. I realize I was obsessing over nothing. It wasn't as big as a deal as it was when I was fixated on every detail.

[melon-dot-com]

Iirc some people with autism have said they really don't relate. But vulcans fit how my autism presents itself SO much. In many ways that I'm too lazy to explain rn. Also self care to not make a whole essay on my phone. ...Along with what I've already typed out.

-

How ppl interact with vulcans in star trek is a good example of how people will think they are accepting, only to have a kneejerk reaction of disapproval to those who are very different.

Not all members of the crew will have the same approach to that feeling either. Some revisit these feelings and unpack why that is. Some become more respectful although still don't like the vulcan mindset. Some take a span of varying episodes to reconsider but will have a solid change of heart. Some will seem to change only to reveal they were holding a grudge, some find the difference to actually be a helpful and reliable perspective... and some simply enjoy knowing more kinds of people; encouraging their individuality.

It's a realistic approach that isn't always perfect. It doesn't act like those who are hateful don't exist (although at a hateful level the captain is like ok ur in time-out-- I mean off duty.) But it gives plenty of examples too, on how people could go about it with more consideration.

-

I think in part (obviously not always) people are that way because people don't like the idea of having to relearn what they already know (almost like how neurodivergent ppl have to live... in general...). There's this lack of control whrre they don't know what is the right way to communicate the other. So they simply choose theirs as the "correct" one. That way they don't have to take accountability if something goes wrong. They can just point the finger and go "they aren't normal and thus are being unreasonable"

[melon-dot-com]

[guy at office computer becoming crunchy and compact.gif]

Watching AI become so invasive as it is, within the like... what... span of 5 years?* is such a strangely depressing thing. It's just one of those things you wouldn't expect to become the problem it is- at least in this particular way.

It's pushing itself to be everywhere while being absolutely useless and in fact making things worse. I mean I wouldn't like AI either way, for multiple reasons, but the fact that it's marketed as being useful when in reality disrupting what was already functional... is pretty frustrating.

[*Technically in the background stuff like this has been going on a long while. In honesty it may have already been technologically at a usable point (usable being lightly used here) and there was just some middle aged Joe running the marketing department going "this will go bad for everyone in every way, let's not implement this" and then Joe died or something]

All the bad stuff has already been said thousands of times, but something else, at least for me personally, is how bleak it has made something otherwise meaningful.

I love seeing technology evolve and grow. I love that people work hard at getting it to run effectively and smoothly. Honestly... AI didn't even have to be used. It could've just been a way to experiment on what one could do- maybe we'd end up getting a different use out of it. But it seems many can't view it that way. It has to benefit them somehow. Or more specifically, make profit.

AI programming in itself did not have to be ill intended and misused. But the thing is it's already done that, many times over. To the point that AI users would rather trick people into thinking something isn't AI, then ever approach it with a careful mindset. You can't just say "oh but if it was done this way it'd be more ethical" because inconsideration and greed has already ran it through mud.

It didn't even have a good moral starting ground in the first place. But instead of being smarter about it and keeping that in mind. AI users were like "We'll just prove that everyone's fears were right. Surely those of us thoughtlessly using AI, will just outnumber anyone who actually cares about how it's done" Which sure seems to be going well in the long run /S

And this only adds to the viewpoint people have had for ages, that new technology only serves to hinder humanity. I think technology is beautiful. Something you are supposed to work *alongside* with. But instead it's come to be associated with how the big corps make their big money.

[melon-dot-com]

me: yeah is a pretty guy but y'know he is probably just that. nothing really to note about him

[Editor's note: ^lying. they like characters that are tame in appearance and honestly personality at times]

me: also I haven't seen a lot of anime but even the little I've seen, this is probably a common personality trope. I won't be swayed by such things.

him: gently annoys maomao to see her irritated because he enjoys it. not even in the making fun of her way. his reaction to her annoyance is more like he is infatuated and pleased to be looked down upon

me: I'm in danger

[melon-dot-com]

Ohhh she is so baby I'm squishing themmm

[melon-dot-com]

Tumblr is not letting me upload cute chibi maomao I'm suing :(

[melon-dot-com]

The chaos of thoughts are below. Have fun ig. I definitely did. I'm free. Whose gonna be bothered. Whose gonna stop me. My city now.

[Contextual info: Watching something new]

So I'm watching The Apothacary Diaries. It seems to be pretty new with only 3 eps so far. Unless the site I'm using is just behind. It's also in dub which will make it not as caught up. I really like it so far and I'll be honest I was very close to not watching it. I saw it on the website I use and was hesitant. Not for any specific reason, I just have trouble starting new things. But I kept getting this nagging feeling I should give it a try.

I even had to make myself watch the next ep becuase part of me was like well I'm not quite investeddd. What if I just did something elseee. Almost distracting myself with non-commital entertainment like usual. Like playing casual games or watching youtube. But then I got that feeling again, that I should stick with it and that it'd be worth it.

[General info: Maomao]

Maomao is the main character- AKA the cute determined chibi here. When she is giddy and happy they show her with blushy cheeks, cat mouth, and cat ears. Often wiggling the cat ears and body swaying. She is very animated. Sometimes it's just that; a little cute and exaggerated features. But sometimes it's like here where it's full blown baby chibi moment. And it's so adorable… if I think abt it too hard it's likely I will perish.

[Maomao: Main passion and expertise]

She loves well. Apothacary related things. It's not just her specialty but she loves doing it and always wants to learn more. Personality wise she is relatively calm, a bit disgruntled, secretive, and independent, until the opportunity for remedy creation and other related things come up. Which brings about a joy she is hardly able to contain.

Honestly she is pretty relatable but my area is more like psychology and analytics. Physics and crafting. Grief and how we approach death/s… I find her passion yet seriousness about being an apothacary to be refreshing and relatable. I have a love for knowing and understanding of strange things as well! And just things that don't get much attention otherwise.

She especially likes testing out poison and venoms on her arm. And she, presumably, uses this to gather information on how to create an antidote or remedy for them. She does it on the same arm every time, which while I suppose makes sense as to not mess up other body parts… I can't see it being as effective on scarred skin. Though for all I know that's the point and doesn't actually effect the observing process. It's not like I'd actually know.

Also she does address at some point that she isn't as sensitive to poisons since she did it for so long. I'm just not sure about skin related irritations.

[The testing scars]

She wears a strip of guaze or guaze-like material around the arm she kept testing on to hide it's scars. Probably to not alarm people or to seem unsightly when she is working. I don't think she cares that much about it herself though or is even self conscious outside of maybe being fired for it. It's the result of her passion and hardwork after all. If someone judged her for it I doubt she'd change her mind about it. The women that showed concern for her when she was younger didn't seem to phase them from continuing.

[TW: About the testing itself]

Honestly TW for the flashbacks of her doing the poison and venom testing. It's brief but her arm is real messed up. Particularly if you have cluster related phobias or trypophobia. Which I find those tend to go hand in hand. I might go back to try and timestamp the moments so others are aware… Even though I get kind of itchy just thinking about it. Ugh.

[Dynamic with other main character]

So there's this important guy- uhhh. Emperor's son. Don't know if that has a name. He may also be a set of multiple sons. I don't normally watch things in this setting I know nothing. Clearly. sdjfsjd

As you can see I forgot his name but he subtly.. well not so subtly, tries to get Maomao's attention. In his own words he said he thinks he'll try at seducing a bit. It sounded more in the context of getting her enamored wth him rather than full on seduction. AKA no actual motive to get with them or in bed with them. At least it sure seems that way for now with how nonchalant and carefree he is about it.

[General info: other main character]

He is your usual fancy boy with a sort of graceful arrogance. He looks pretty but truthfully does not awe me like the women in the show. They are SO so pretty and cute. One of the high class ladies is of course especially dressed up. She seems a bit playful and cheery in a teasing way and has lovely pink hair in an updo with accessories. And I'm like… ahh my heart…

Fancy boi (I am lazy and will get his name later sorry fancy boy :( ) doesn't lack attention but he does find it a bit odd that Maomao doesn't seem flustered by his presence and even off put by him. At some point he finally makes a quiet comment about "Why don't you react'' (Something like that)

[That one scene from the gifset: fancy boy is into it]

I think afterward- my memory gets mixed up so maybe it was before the above. He talks to his… main guardsman? iirc. They talk a bit about some current problems they are facing and then fancy boy says that he is intrigued by how she doesn't react the same as the others. And then gets all chibi-happy about it like ahh I've never been treated that way before <3 all blushy and content. Then his guardsman, as if he just heard about a private side of him, goes alright well I'll take my leave now-- and slides out of view.

[Circling back their dynamic]

I got sidetracked but wayy in the beginning of Maomao and his encounters. She notices his directed glances, obvious casual posing, and getting a little too close in personal space. She is, reasonably, disgusted and disturbed about it. Probably the right reaction to a person in power clearly focused on you.

There has already been a moment though, where she was little grumpy and weirded out by him getting close behind her. But not outright disgusted like I saw before.

That said, she probably thought about maybe not reacting negatively toward one of the people she works for. Or just upper class people in general for that matter. Idk if the creator/s thought about that though and it might just be showing the viewer that she's a little more familiar with his weirdness now. _ End / 11/12/23 / 22:16