#Been too tired... All what I do is sleep
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Another old dream! This is so weird to have this many dreams AGAIN! But I'm glad I went to take a nap :D
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I'm with my ex friend and some anime guy. He feels familiar but I never see his head or face well enough to actually recognize him. We venture somewhere, eventually I getting lost from them. I come in the room where I hear woman tell a story via speaker. She sounds older, speaking in Japanese. She repeats this one part over and over again until I finally focus on it. I hear her say "Kannikka" and Lu Xun. I focus now even harder, finally understanding she's telling a story of it how Gan Ning and Lu Xun are there too! I get super happy and excited! I want to meet them! Now story teller changes, being young woman now. I listen it and she tells the same part but uses Gan Ning instead of Kannikka (which is a nickname I gave to him decades ago).
I go out of the room for few seconds but when I return, there's a man walking away. He has grayish green little cape but otherwise he is very similar. I feel happiness and relieve overtake me as I yell "Master Gan Ning!" He stops and turns around, looking a bit surprised - in a good way. I can't with the situation anymore so I burts into tears, run to him and hug him so darn hard! I cry against his right shoulder, burying my face deeper. I feel my hands grabbing tighter on his naked shoulder blades under the cape. I keep crying my eyes out as I keep telling him how relieved I am, how happy I am to finally found him but most of all, how scared of letting go I am. I don't want to lose him again / he disappearing. He is not holding me back but I know he's smiling down on me. He gets it all.
However, he does disappear and I am reunited with my friend and the anime guy - only ending up being captured by some pirate kind of people :'D
We are taken in pirate ship which actually floats in the air! We are in tiny storage room where's some wine barrels etc. I sit at the end of the room, to my left in front of me is my friend and the guy is to my right almost at the other end of the room. At the left corner I see stairs going up.
Someone comes to pick us up, starting to lead the way. I'm last in line as we come out, heading towards S shaped little stairs which would take us in another small room, but it's also open in a way. It's on the deck. There plays very happy music with fast tempo and I hear someone singing in Japanese. A bit high male voice. I ask my friends to stop so that I can listen. Smile start to spread on my face!
"That's Gan Ning singing! I recognize Hiroaki Miura's voice!"
They both give me a bit asking look but as we finally enter the room, my ex friend realizes I was right. From this room, via its big opening on the wall across us, we can see and hear Gan Ning singing and dancing on the deck all around. He is having fun with his crew! At one point he turns, sees me and flashed me so bright wide smile with so happy expression that I can't take it, haha! :'D I feel like I'm gonna die, my heart burst, so I try to hide by facing a wall to my left.
The man who brought us here comes to announce that the captain would come to see us shortly, asking us to sit down. I sit down on this tiny wooden bench from the spot where I've been standing. Now I'm facing the open wall with my back, exist being on my left further away. My friend sits on the other end of the bench, anime guy on a chair further away.
Gan Ning, indeed, does come to see us. Instantly, when he enters the room, "Lambada" by Kaoma from late 80's / my childhood (note I LOVE this song!) starts to play, Gan Ning moving with the rhythm with a smile on his face. I take a quick look of him since I'm still feeling so overwhelmed in so good way about him. He is constantly smiling from ear to ear, he's wearing white T-shirt, on top of it is dark gray suit's shirt and on top of it is black vest, he's wearing slim black pants (like leggings) with black modern shoes. Otherwise he's looking like DW8 form. Of course his hair is almost blond, tho! And, he is wearing sunglasses!
He happily greets the anime guy who just nods (he never says anything), then my friend and then he spots me. He lifts his sunglasses off and he has THE MOST BEAUTIFUL brown eyes I've ever seen! Small, but so bright, so filled with happiness, warmth and joy. Tho, when his eyes go lower on me, he stops smiling widely, hand still holding sunglasses up.
"Is that really all what you're wearing?"
I now realize my outfit is NOT most appealing, to anyone. I have socks or shoes, light grayish moss green colored long wool skirt and as a shirt I've the top part of my red bathrobe. Not flattering but I admit I've nothing else.
Gan Ning goes all: "Tsk, Tsk, Tsk, Tsk. That won't do."
He walks away, starting to play with his hair / brushing it and then checking his make-up.
"What's the point of having beauty if you won't let anyone take care of it and show it?"
I realize he is preferring to a professional barber etc. who all can do magic with their skills by changing your look with new hair cut and so on.
"So, who wants to go with me?"
I realize again what he means. He is taking us to a barber if any of us wants to go. I instantly lift my hand while feeling a bit embarrassed.
"Master Gan Ning, I would like to go!" He turns to look at me as I pull my hair out under my shirt, starting to stroke my long ponytail.
"I do love my long hair. It's pretty and all but it's also boring, always the same and hard to keep in that sense it always gets stuck."
Gan Ning stops brushing his own hair, putting a hand mirror down. He comes to me and takes a hold of my hair, letting his fingers slide down on it few times. He does say I've pretty hair but he agrees something needs to be done to it.
But before going to the barber, he wants to do me a make-up. On his ship you must look pretty in natural way with just little make-up. Just mascara and eyeliner. I sit perfectly still, eyes closed as he works on doing black lines to my eyes. His hand is so steady, pressure gentle. You know he has done this many times before, haha!
His thoughts, which I can see as a picture in a bubble near his head, move on my lips. He wants to paint them slightly red and I'm instantly fine with that. However, he also wants to kiss them first before painting them. Sure, heck, kiss me! I don't mind! Second dream anyway where he has wanted to kiss me! :D
But no, no kiss, no new haircut or new clothes since I woke up - thanks to some neighbor's friend who had to "play" with his loud car, giving it more gas loudly while driving around the area like mad (because it's slippery here now so young male drivers ALWAYS like to drive this way, making their car slide).
#text#Gan Ning#Kannikka#Dynasty warriors#Dream#Neis dream#Like I said: old dream again#They reappear after every 20 years or so#But it was nice and happy dream in the end!#I think Gan Ning came to remind me to have fun - which I haven't had much in few days now#Been too tired... All what I do is sleep#I also HAVE BEEN THINKING of cutting my hair in the last days#Sure I love my long hair but it's indeed also boring#Not to mention it keeps itching my rash even if I keep it tied on ponytail#Sadly my finances won't give me that luxury of going to barber this month... And in December#Maybe in January I finally could go#Tho I use barber rarely anyway#Like once in every 5 to 10 years#3.11.2024
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Learning to celebrate the little wins!
#fersona#While I don't have the capacity to do Hourly Comics Day#I did journal my day hour-by-hour and the sheer difference in my self-care and routines is *staggering*.#Honestly both Feb 1 2024 and 2025 were rough days...but this year I had a far better outlook on it all.#The funny part is that when I drew this a few days ago I actually *was* celebrating not crying.#Might have still cried on Feb 1st. A meagre 4 times. But I also had lot of good moments!#January is a very hard month for me and frankly I've been in a fugue state for most of it.#Drawing helped me pull through these last 2 years but this year I've been finding myself so upset at how I can't seem to focus anymore.#So updates and posts have been slow. I'm just slow. I'm tired and burnt out from work and grieving.#But you know what? The days I do manage to post; I'm never shamed for how long it took. You're all just as excited and kind.#I'm coming home and eating better and sleeping more and spending time with loved ones.#This is all to say; you can be a lot happier when you realize that life can be taken a little slower.#I'm more grateful that words can possibly convey.#If you related to the mindset of constantly feeling like you've 'failed' the day; please know you have done more than you realize.#I'm struggling with it everyday! I'm in the trenches with you!#Life is too short and painful to not celebrate what you *do* accomplish! It's hard work but it is worth it!#Bit by bit...we will learn to live. *Really* live. And enjoy it!
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One of my first digital pieces (2010) versus one of my recent ones (2024)
We all start somewhere!
#picked these cause they're in a similar pose lol. i mean not at all. but sort of... more than my other art at least...#oh fuck im so tired im saving this to drafts and coming back later#my anxiety meds wipe me the fuck out so im trying not to take them in the day#and they're like legit borderline a sleeping med for me. i take one and in 30 mins im OUT.#so I'm. i mean i was already only taking 1-2 in the day and then 2-3 at night#anyways it makes me sad when people say they dont have an artistic bone in their body#and especially when they say they could never draw like me :(#dont put yourself down to lift me up! i don't want my art to be used for you to be mean to yourself!!!#lots of experiences of people comparing themselves to me and being mean to themself...#feels bad. it's okay if you're slow it's okay to be learning it's okay!!!#I'm me and you're you and we're here to learn from each other. i just wanna hang out..#y'know what I'm just gonna post without saying anything i WILL forget I made a draft#i have so many things i intend to post and then forget#it's a wonder I post anything#i only do it when i get bored. and run out of stuff to scroll through#like whelp. guess if i want a post I have to make one myself.#also the second one is really good idc that it's a study i still drew it#art growth#this was in 2010 btw#i started highschool in 2011#I've grown a lot and you can too.#also I've never really been one to dislike my old art. like idk I was trying... if it's bad I just won't look at it whatever#like i wouldn't be mean to someone else who made that so i don't get a free pass to be mean just cause it's to me#man my thoughts are bungled. okay sleep time#if my phone made typos you didn't see it
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phinktober day 11: ur fav AU
i dont rlly do AUs so i just drew them how i wish they would dress xo
(dan’s tats r carnations and snowdrops and phil’s r roses and honeysuckle. for no reason 🤗)
ALSO bonus version w makeup bc i couldn’t pick <3
#soz copied caption from twt i have been drawing for 7 hours straight i need to drink water eat something take a piss and a shower and sleep#no braincell rn#goodbye it is wine time#hope yall like this idfk what people what these days other than ship art but im not doing that so sorry no knights fucking for you#just me making them look like me bc i’m a narcissist etc#god i am way too tired to be yapping rn i have no filter whatever ABYWAY HASHTAG DANIPHIW#art2 and craft2#dnp#phanart#dan and phil#daniel howell#amazingphil#dan howell#phil lester#phinktober#punk edits irl come back to me please#i’m missing a fkn hashtag i just know it whatever i don’t CARE im TIRED i have eaten nothing but half a jar of picked today i feel so goblin#idk why i tunnelvisioned w this piece it’s not even that good or detailed LMFAO#actually the tattoos were a BITCH and also made me sad bc of my whole failed tattooing career etc#OH MY GOD WHY AM I YAPPING SO MUCH SOMEONE EUTHANISE ME#good NIGHT !!!!!!#pickles not picked btw but i’m not retyping all of that#now i’m sad bc i’m out of pickles and it’s 10pm and everything is shut:( hate my stupid gay life
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experiencing the horrors . save me lil guy from comic book. lil guy from comic book PLEASE
#rimi talks#genuinely kind of sad/upset i wont be able to do more than 1 MAYBE 2 fics for superfam week#bc this whole week and last week have been taken up by health bullshit and all i want ot do is sleep#i had plans. i had outlines. unfortunately i also had my stupid body betray me and now here we are :(#i had a doctors appt yesterday. and the day before. and i have one monday and one more that i haven't scheduled yet#i am. so tired y'all#and im extra tired of being in pain all the time. i have been in constant pain since wednesday at noon#it's a little funny i was texting my friend abt steel '94 and there is a timestamp visible for when i stopped responding#bc i was suddenly in too much pain to put words in order or even sit up straight at my laptop lmao#and luckily it HAS gone down like im not in so much pain i genuinely can't breathe anymore. no longer feel like im in danger of passing out#but i do still feel pretty damn bad and im so tired of it aouhghuhgghghhhhhhhhhh#comic book man save me (he can't bc i can't even fuckign write?? what's the POINT)
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sleepy sooo sleepy
#what if i drew sonic and tails on a wednesday what then#i always wanna but im so tired on wednesdays xd#ive been just sleeping sooo much i wanna go back to sleep pls pls pls#i need sleep im a growing girle <--- 21#is it too much to ask for cozy#i wanna be cozy#i have so many things to do im failing everything bc i sleep all the timeee pls ;/#at least my roommate is pressing me to do this one thing i need to have done for tomorrow#pls? sleeb????
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#svsss#scum villains self saving system#shang qinghua#how I be feeling these days ahdnfjgkg#I keep stressing about life in general and its seriously bumming me out hajdjg#how nice it would be to not exist#everyday I wake up and do the same things I hate#time hasn't felt real in years and it goes way before covid times#I haven't felt real in most of those years either#Look I'm lucky I'm not like depressed or whatever but frankly this derealization shit is seriously startin to get a little worrying at times#tbf I only really notice it recently so maybe its just a bias#I've been chugging along this way for years all thats changed is my perception of it#but at the same time I really want to do more too#I get I'm a very boring and unreliable person#and I know I just said its my perception of it but like I do genuinely think my social skills my general living just like me mentally ig#I'm kinda deteriorating in my stagnation ig? artistically too but more worrying in my life idbfjg#priorities sorry anyways I also think I do have adhd or something and that rejection thing dhfjgjg I really can't start things anymore#idk I really just feel so clueless in most things now and I'm too scared or too confused or both to start fixing things#like how do I even fix things? what do I even search for in this kind of thing?#Idk I'm just gonna go sleep ig god I'm so tired of everything#I haven't been able to draw I've really lost passion for a lot of things again and everything irritates me#I can't stand my phone sometimes but it's kinda the only thing getting me through it all ha#ngl I wish I were depressed sometimes if only so I'd actually have the balls to do smth but Ik that's just the Metnally Ail part speaking so#chug chug going along#I also have to make wushi before I die. haha#god my life is so empty#what am I even doing#I'm really so tired why can't my life end here already? modern lifespans are too long how am I supposed to keep going on like this?#so pointless and vapid and its just me ? why did it have to be me that was born? couldn't someone else have been here I hate it here so much#I strive for nothing but I have such a long life and so many people to disappoint haha maybe I should go outside more
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✨ thinking of him thursdayyyy ✨ (<- said in a monotone deadpan with jazz hands)
#volition thoughts. as usual. (sorry im so fucking deadpan all of a sudden hello lmao? probably bc i need to sleep.)#hey. volition ship captain and echem as a siren. what then huh. he's already like an octopus AND its mermay.#(<- will not act on this thought in the slightest but know that i am thinking it in the back of my mind)#i think they're lost at sea and the sirens keep singing and volition's losing more and more crew but he's fuckin volition so of course he's#not falling for it. but its okay in the end the sirens are just leading them back to land because my god give them happy endings. please.#concept and suggest would also be sirens i think. ency and logic are navigators. volta do mar should be here because i say so.#volta and kinetic dressage are little fairies then that help volition with sanity/the ship. who can stop me im not even making this.#anyway VOLITION. i am totally normal about him and 95% of my brainspace is definitely not occupied by thinking about him.#jesus ive been so tired lately (its! the! ✨ chronic fatigue! ✨) i WANT TO DRAW but i am. too tired. writing is easier...#but i want to draw so many volition things. hmgbmbbb... i want him to be loved... which in retrospect is fucking silly he is a character.#okay vision's straight up going unfocused so we're done here goodnight. o7#chemi chats
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tag vent
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#i have to move back to my hometown due to a mistake. a misunderstanding. and being too trusting in others ideas#and my boyfriend is moving an hour away as well. neither of us have been able to get a car or license yet due to money and i dont know when#we can see eachother again after we both move. since we started dating weve been sleeping in the same bed because we were/are roommates#just being gone for the weekend in my hometown is hard because i cant stand to be here but its worse because hes not in my bed every night#ive grown so used to falling alseep in his arms that i dont know what to do at night. i dont feel safe without his arms holding me#ive never felt safe where ive lived before. ive never felt safe in a relationship. ive never felt loved for who i am. that was until him.#now i feel safe in our home. i feel safe in our relationship. i feel loved for who i am. and now we have to be so far apart.#ive done long distance before but this is going to hurt so much my cat loves him she is super cautious and scared around new people but#she loved him since the start. not to mention shes my esa so that really mattered to me. he wants to move with me but it isnt happening#he got definite housing an hour away for super cheap in a town where he knows everyone and i have possible in a town where im surrounded by#people i know but am terrified of. im scared to move back here but have no choice. unless i make that terrifying choice of going with him.#the apartment he is getting is a two bedroom. id only have a studio. hes offered for me to come but im scared to move that far away again#i want to be with him but im scared to move to a whole new town with him. i know hes an amazing guy but we'd be moving away from my friends#and family. i already have to move away from all my friends if i go back to my hometown but this would be a different story.#moving to a whole new town with a guy that i only started dating 2 months ago? like yes. i lived with him previously and knew him for longer#than we dated but im still scared. i think rightfully so. but still.#but there are some pros to moving with him. hometown has no music scene and his town does and thats really important to me.#we'd also be close to his family. but farther from mine. hed be around friends and id have none no matter where i go.#idk im just rambling but i really needed to vent. i lost my best friend recently to the point of them siding with strangers almost and they#helped them break and enter into the house to intimidate me and bf and then a few days later came with cops after saying repeatedly that#they were an anarchist and acab but only when they dont use them apparently. because i guess morals/values only matter when its convenient#im so tired though but i cant sleep so i might write some cringe poetry and try to chill out before going on a late night/early morning walk#tag vent#vent in tags
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Suddenly feeling very dissatisfied with what project: new moon turned out like
Or. Well. I guess I shouldn't say "suddenly" bc I've been feeling a vague dissatisfaction with it for. A while. But only know am I starting to parse out the reasons why I feel that way
With it having been out for a while now, I think back on all the things I could've done or could've executed differently, but didn't think of at the time so I didn't do them
Nox, for example. As a character, he's just kind of a vehicle for the story to happen, a source of torment for Rue, and the reason Sonic's werehog form is brought back. He never got to be much else. He's not very present in the story anyway despite being the main villain, and besides his obsession with Dark Gaia and lack of ethics, he's not really... much of a person
I got really lazy with fleshing him out so his entire character ended up just being evil antagonist. And honestly now I feel his role in Rue's story could've easily been taken by someone like Eggman with only a few changes
Rue's parents could've been way more developed too. They really only exist to make Rue's tragic backstory More Tragic and that's pretty much it. They're even less developed than Nox. Like they're not even characters even by the end of the story
And there's also Specter and Phantom, whom I like and have developed more than those I talked abt above, but I feel like I didn't really show enough of them as individuals. They're just kinda there to be Rue's friends and fight ghosts and not much else
It's like. Idk. I feel like I only really wrote that fic to justify my ocs existing and interacting with Sonic, and justify Sonic's werehog form being brought back even through it wasn't really necessary in the end. It was fun at the time, sure, but that rose-tinted view I had of it has kinda faded. Sometimes I even feel like I kinda rushed it bc I was so desperate to get that story out, since I've been working on these characters and the fic for so long. I was satisfied not bc I felt I made something good, but bc I was finally *done* with it. Now that's biting me in the ass and making me feel like all the work put into it went to waste
Hell now I'm even considering retiring Nox's character entirely (he is like. The biggest part of why I've been feeling crappy abt the fic now that I think of it) and giving Rue another revamp. Tho it feels weird to do it now bc the fic they're part of is out and finished. They are my ocs and I'm allowed to do whatever I want with them, but still
Whatever it is I decide to do, the twins probably won't change much, if at all. Not sure abt Sonic's redesign, I don't really wanna change it but I might have to recontextualize why he looks the way he does in this au
Idk what to do with the story yet, if I wanna rewrite it or not and just have my ocs existing in an au where Sonic never lost his werehog form instead. Really undecided abt all of this stuff rn. I definitely won't be deleting the project: new moon blog or anything tho, just won't be posting there anymore probably
Idk if this post makes any sense of if anyone actually cares but whatever I just need to get this off my chest
#ramblings#neg#i have been feeling. all over the place recently#especially when it comes to my fan projects. like on one hand i'm having a blast talking abt corrupted au#but on the other i'm feeling like shit abt project: new moon#and it sucks and i hate it i wish I could just be happy with the things i make#there's also the original projects that i just. never do shit with and have seriously been considering letting them go#and not touching them ever again bc i feel like nothing will come out of them and they're not worth it. that too#i don't know man. idk what to do or think anymore#will i be happier if i kill my darlings or will i just never be satisfied with anything i make ever#no matter how long it takes or how much work i put in#do i even love these things as much as i think i do#idk. idk idk and i'm tired#i don't think i even wanna do that comic i said I was working on. i have thumbnails and everything but now it just doesn't feel worth it#maybe i just need to sleep. it's late#i keep saying to not trust your feelings after 9pm but i sure do find myself trusting them a lot#man i wish i was normal
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Art for my mom :)
I was telling her about how cute the milgramblrgram art was, and she knows I swore off drawing real people but here was a Window of Opportunity where I was doing it lol 😅 We're going to visit her dad soon and she asked if I could make something of him of his kids! I found a fairly recent photo of them and used it as a starting point
#its nothing crazy idk i just wanted it under the readmore#im still nervous drawing real people because im really not that great and ive always been met with 'oh you think i look like That? :/'#so milgramblrgram boosted my confidence since i dont actually know what anyone looks like so no ones feelings could be hurt 😂#but then i did end up doing some from photos! so we'll see#i dont think hes really going to care much - his mind is the reason were going out to visit#i kinda drew it for my mom specifically and i could tell how happy it made her <3#im too tired to decide if this is oversharing or not but idk i wanted to show it 👍#i was supposed to get a lot more done today but homework took longer than i thought#and this took a normal length of drawing time but i tried to finish it all today because i procrastinated rip 😂#but it feels like an Accomplishment you know?#i dont even know#i think mayhaps its time to sleep 😅#rose rambles#my art
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Ugh. I had a really bad day.
#chat sesh with iris#vent in the tags#had to get a super personal reminder of someone who I used to know who left me YEARS AGO but it still upsets me to hear her name and I#literally saw HER MOM who proceeded to talk a bunch about what she’s been doing#tw suicide mention#tw suicidal ideation#in the tags lol#so warning that it’s in the next tag#like I think about killing myself whenever I have a passing thought about her so this was too much#I’m not going to do it I’m physically safe 👍👍👍 but like#even despite all of the shitty things that happened I was still having a pretty good week because like. people have been really nice to me.#and I’ve been having a little fun#but this is way too far to excuse like practically no matter what else happened or happens 😭😭😭#like hearing how much better her life is than mine#I literally had to physically leave the situation#like she had finally after YEARS(!!!) gotten mostly off of my mind#but not anymore#the heaviest sigh ever#anyway I would apologize for venting but like this is my blog 👍👍👍#I don’t really have anywhere else to talk about it#like even the people who I consider my best friends did not care or respond or ask questions when I mentioned that I was having like a-#breakdown in public#other than one#shoutouts#and I’m probably going to sleep really soon so maybe I’ll wake up and think this is too personal and delete it#like if I’m only posting because of how tired I was#or who knows maybe my thoughts will keep me awake for hours#I still have nightmares about her#BLUE AND DAWN AND HOP AND ARVEN AND GREEN SAVE ME!!!!!
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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HEY
#art#my art#artists on tumblr#digital art#oc#pink space#i really like the subtract glitch i've been doing recently - so here's some of that again lol :3#the way it interacts with their palettes is so fun i like it a lot ehegh :33#//anyway do you ever consider just tossing out any part the human body you've learned to draw and just drawing dumb little guys with arms#like pipecleaners forever or what hfhs#//oh this is was doobled in traditional originally#i need to digitize more of these. Because#though aura's hair was more extreme in the second panel in that version - i'm tired though and 3 days ago it was the same so no feelings to#change that lol :)#also i didn't shrink the noise enough so it didn't look right - and i was not going to reimport it so Bon Voyage my dude hfhs#was Supposed to fit on a 900x900 canvas but i made the panels a liiiiitle bit too big so it's 950x950#which is Fine it's a round number but it's not a Round-Round number so [gesturing]#1000x1000 was way too big for this little thing so she sits at a pleasant halfway point :>#//anyway i was also up til 3 a.m. last night doing ?? something ?? i genuinely don't even know what lmfhsbvh#nice though maybe my brain'll get a reset lol :3#stay up really late some random nights and jumpstart your brain!! it's foolproof!! never fails!! [<- these statements have not been reviewe#by the FDA or the Center for Sleep Control]#//ANywho now i'm going to be on my way#/oh i also forgot to post the oath n aura refs i made for artfight lol-#i'll prolly put those up w/ the kira and hid ones though :>>#i like to have the whole ensemble :D i Do feel bad when one of them gets left out hghsfh - like forgetting a stuffed animal somewhere#even though they're all together for small portion of the story it still feels off lol#i should prolly introduce the rest of the cast at some point. .... ......... ..........hm yea prolly. maybe one day hfhs#//anyway NOW i'm going i've run out of tag space i think hfhs - toodles !! :>
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twice today i've thought about my parents (or been reminded of them) and felt like i was physically disconnected from myself if that makes any sense at all
#mum just sent me a message asking if i've changed my phone#i haven't#saw this message and it was like i was drunk or had taken sleeping drugs with how everything went fuzzy#OUGHHHH fuck my dad just messaged me too saying goodnight. he does this every single night#even though he said 'i'll leave you alone'#i wish he'd stop it's so many messages stacking up and i can't reply to them#went to talk to someone in my uni department today and all he said was theres councilling but with a 6 week waiting list#yay#i can't wait 6 weeks i want just 1 session to ask someone what to do#and for them to tell me what i should do then i'll do it#without the influence of my parents#i didn't tell him about them but he knows part of it#walked back home whilst thinking about what i'd have to do - which is explain the situation to someone else#and it was like i wasnt there#was walking round a corner on the pavement next to a busy road and i was like hmmm i feel like i'm about to walk into it or fall over or#something else because i was NOT in control#maybe i'm just very tired lmao#it's been quite a weekend#i miss my mum so much i feel like i'm not real#was watching the 3rd t/wilight film with my housemates last night just for a laugh#and when the mum appeared i was close to tears honestly#got genuinely moved by the third t/wilight film of all things which is probably an indication#i should get on that waiting list
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#I once made a joke to my students that even though I never worked out I was always mentally lifting weights#in the gym of my own mind.#and it’s been such a helpful metaphor#not to make an outrageous statement here or to overestimate how smart I am (often not very smart at all!)#but just. my brain gets use. it gets exploration. it has been honed.#if it had an embodied form (other than my body) yeah! it would be lifting weights!#and/or doing gymnastics lol (for a zeitgeist-y metaphor)#(actually I am legit so good at mental gymnastics)#but ANYWAY the point is: the metaphor struck me because it highlighted how little my brain gets a break#and again—it’s not all worthwhile or deep or insightful or GOOD. a lot of it is useless or downright silly mental activity#but it IS activity. it is mental motion. day in day out. and it is so so so so so so so hard for me to give my brain a break#or even know how to do that#and I am absolutely tearing mental muscles and getting whatever it is athletes get when they work out too hard#or too strenuously#to extend the metaphor to the limit#and I need !!!!!!! a rest day#vacations are almost worse tbh. I feel like I hit this point a lot in the summer#because school forces me to think about things but actually much more helpfully it forces me to stop thinking about things#and do something else. it’s thinking on a schedule lol#and so the breaks are just built-in#but on my own I’ll just go go go go go and fall down every rabbit hole and chase my own tail#and it’s so tiring#anyway it hit me the other day that I could actually set limits for myself#like I was thinking about something in the shower (as you do) and it was stressful#and then I was like you have until the end of the shower to think about this and then you have to stop#and it was super helpful. I need to do that more. but yeah.#I don’t know how to give myself a rest day because who knows what will set the brain off#I also Know it wouldn’t be as bad if it wasn’t all interwoven with anxiety. but anixey is very deeply interwoven with how my brain works#so stressfully going down a million thought paths#ANYWAY !!!!! it is 1;41 am and I can’t sleep!!!!!!!
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