#& i want to also break down the bpd again

[elliscousland]

one of these days i'm gonna make a detailed post about ellis' ocd. then you'll all be sorry

[timkontheunsure]

Part 1 Blitz & BPD coding

Ok quick bit first before getting into the nitty-gritty. So to have BPD you need to have 5 of these 9 traits:-

(putting as by proxy with him cus damage your image is harmful to your psyche).

Poor bugger looks to have 9 of 9

Alot of BPD patterns and strategies comes from childhood trauma, and Blitz has this in spades.

Scapegoat and attachment style

Cash is clearly a narcissistic Dad, see the kids as tools.

Cash uses Blitz's love and Strong attachment to his Mum to force Blitz to be useful to him, and do what he wants.

This sends the very strong message that love is conditional. That it is bought through what he can do for another. And that without being useful love and affection will be withdrawn, because he doesn't really deserve it.

We see wee tinny Blitzo struggles with making balloon animals, is a little clumsy, has a sense of humour that not a crowd pleaser. This puts him at the bottom of the pecking order.

This position is the scapegoat. Blamed for anything that goes wrong (fire), to keep the others in line (Fizz told done on purpose), given the most dangerous jobs (rob a Goetia), and given the lest love and affection.

Narcissist see people as tools or a burden. All love from Cash is conditional/transactional.

How Blitz gets love is to be used or to be useful. This the rule.

Affection freely given can't be trusted. It is a lie. This why any Stolas shows has to be either ignored, or change to a kink of "getting plowed by people you look down on". Making himself used.

But Stolas breaks this when he says Blitz "no longer have any obligation to see me, to touch me, to bed me, you are... you are free of me." He panics that he's being abandoned; "I can be better", "I'm I not fucking you good enough" are his immediate responses. Trying to get back to the safety of what he knows.

If they're no 'obligation' then there can't be affection and he wants to Stay with Stolas. And if there's no 'obligation' Stolas telling him he cares must be a lie.

He's slowly coming to see that this isn't always the case in apology tour; when his "earning" his way through sex is rebuffed again.

(It may not be Stolas' kink; but being fucked by an all powerful prince who degraded his a little might be Blitz's 🤭).

After the accident this rule gets a second fun extra playmate that anyone who loves him will be hurt. So Blitz must push them way, to keep them safe from him. These 2 rules give Blitz the disorganised fearful-avoidant attachment style. (Woo go him, give him a cookie. Or you know all the nope, but still give him a cookie).

Disorganised fearful-avoidant attachment comes with a push-pull of wanting to be close but close relationships are scary. (Like running away from Voroskia for loving him).

He is getting better by refusing to be dismissed by Stolas, and coming back the next morning. And even talking to him at the party.

But mostly this bit: "Oh, sorry, this entire time I assumed the worst because I was convinced a prince could never love someone like me, and I've let my self hatred stop me from apologizing to anyone I could ever care about!" Blitz in a nutshell everybody.

His self hatred makes him to self sabotage any romantic relationship before it gets to deep. To protect the people he likes and makes sure they can't love him. Because he doesn't deserve it. Thems the rules after all.

Cash and the accident has taught Blitz to hate himself.  

It's also likely why Blitz thinks apologies are for pussys, and that no one deserves one anyway.  Those sound like words put in his mouth for daring to ask his dad to say sorry. 

He doesn't think he's worth it.

(Added the cuddles pic cus I like the cuddles). And Blitz still doesn't trust that he deserved to be forgiven by Fizz.

This self hatred is why he can't picture anyone loving him, let alone Stolas

"This whole thing we had going... I'm- I mean you're a fucking prince. How could you ever actually care for an imp... Me? How could anybody?" "Stolas, you are better off without me. 'Kay? You deserve so much... I don't even".

No one is allowed to want him.

End of part 1

I'll stick the link to the next part when I get done it, but might be a bit.

Next time some such fun shenanigans as:

Difficulty regulating emotions

Being a burden & how to be useful to IMP

Spitting

Massive fear of abandonment

Emotional loops

The Deal

Chronic feelings of emptiness

Self hatred & the Belief others Must hate him

(his cookie)

As normal is absolutely fine if you don't agree. This is just something I like to do.

[cinnamon-stixs]

It's time for another addition of 'A new episode of something cinna really likes just came out so now they have to rant about it!

(Spoilers for tadc episode 4)

-ragatha trying to teach gangle to pitch auughh

-"You're wasting your time raggy" SHUT UP

-yesss chew his ass out ragatha

-This episode was such a huge w for us abstradgedy shippers

-side tangent, I loooove gangle's voice

-Her signature catchphrase!!

-"The curse of the violent psychopath butcher!" Bro is trying SO hard

-No fr it's so funny that caine only has the human emotion capacity to equate 'mature' to 'scary'.

-THERE WAS A SUGGESTION BOX THIS WHOLE TIME?!

-Not the zooble pinata...

-THIS SCREENSHOT IS KILLING ME LMAOAOAO

-Why are bubble's and caine's tongues connected...

-NOOO KINGER SITS IT OUTTT QnQ we get like no content of him in this episode I'm so sad

-"You can shut up now! :D"

-"Being a shift manager was my job at one point" LORE?!

-As someone looking to go into the culinary service field, love the mention of non-slip shoes

-I'm such a sadist when it comes to Jax. (Also amy come get your man off the floor)

-GET MY WIFE OUT OF THERE?! THOSE ARE FUCKING 3RD DEGREE BURNS!! THAT'S LITERALLY BOILING OIL!!

-This zesty ass man.

-PUNISHMENT?! GANGLE WOAH.

-GANGLE PULL HER OUT!!

-"It's called a manic episode!" So true queen. I love how this episode really pushes the bpd allegory gangle's masks have

-"This is really weird" YA THINK?

-Zooble burning their hand :(

-I love orbsman. I also love that they can just understand him for some reason.

-Jax constantly checking the clock is so me

-"i'm addicted :3"

-High ass ragatha. Oh I love you high ragatha.

-I THOUGHT THIS WASNT A HORROR ADVENTURE

-abstrabbit crumbs yayyyyy!!!

-"Caine's not gonna do anything malicious, it's not in his nature" Just a line I wanna put a pin in.

-GUMMIGOO NOOO. HE DOESN'T REMEMBER HER IM GONNA KMS

-I can't even blame her for being so awkward. Like imagine watching your friend die and then they show up, no memory whatsoever, at your fucking job

-"She's flirting with the gummy guy." this one line is gonna spark so much ragapom and funnygummy art, i just know it.

-I love that ragatha's more honest in calling people out while high. Go off queen.

-"I wish someone would flirt with me.." I WILL!!! I WILL!!!

-The occasional cracking sounds when gangle is annoyed is SUCH GOOD FORESHADOWING

-"... Does this count as a bus?"

-GLOINK QUEEN!!!!!

-She named all her kiddddsss :(

-"well that doesn't really sound like a can-do attitude to me!" "it's not."

-"You're better when you're sad" KILL YOURSELF NOW!!

-Nothing to say here I just like this screenshot

-Gangle wanted to be a comic artist in life, but gave up on the dream.

-WHAT IS GOING ON

-"Huffing paint?! AND NOT WAITING UNTIL A DESIGNATED BREAK?!"

-"I miss my horses" Ragatha probably had horses of her own in life

-"No offense, but you're kind of annoying when you have your happy mask." You're sleeping on the couch tonight Ragatha.

-Someone get her a therapist, and I DON'T mean Caine.

-"Yeah that clock's broken." good job queen

-Why is there ANY information on gloink reproduction. And is that the sex joke goose was talking about?

-"I like.. hate you, but I don't want you to hate me" So real!! ow!!

-The little casual moment between jax and pomni, and all of the characters in this episode, makes me so happy.

-Me core

-Pomni has such a big heart I love her so fucking much.

-"Oh Ragatha.. I love her, but after a while it gets hard to tell how genuine she's actually being" THIS IS SUCH A GOOD LINE!!! I love how it shows how Ragatha is really trying her best, but she's been worn down so much over the years that they can tell her kindness is a mask, sort of like gangle's comedy mask.

-(Also gangle said 'i love her' in reference to ragatha, w for the gangle x ragatha shippers)

-real.

-I love how we get to see zooble's softer side in this episode.

-Gangle's not having a good time: the musical

-Again, pomni is just so sweet :(

-Ok but why does this ending sequence eat so hard

-EXCUSE ME

-I could go into a whole rant abt how this ending could possibly hint to all the cast being dead, and how this ending is a sort of recreation of Gangle's death, but I'm not sure goose would do that. It's a plausible theory after this episode, but i don't think the "They're all dead and living in a digital purgatory" theory fits the themes of the show well.

-Gangle chooses to be honest, even when faced with possible consequences.

-ROYALTEETH CRUMBS!!! I like to imagine Caine and Kinger went on their own little date adventure :3

-C&A logo on Caine's computer

-Family guy death pose and a reference to that one weird bootleg caine costume

-"and now I don't think anybody wants to talk to me anymore" My autistic ass relates to that a little too much

-"I still like talking to you" AHHHHHHHHHH <3

-"I always like seeing what you draw" CRYING

Overall, I thought episode 4 was really good. Probably my least favorite so far, really just because of the slower pacing. I can't wait to see what's next!!

[gabrielsbubblegumbitch]

Hey! Hope you’re having a good day! Just wanted to say I’ve become obsessed with your psychology analysis on the Vees and VoxVal. I’m curious, since the relationship is definitely toxic, how do you think the cycle of relationship abuse would work with them? (Honeymoon phase, tension, incident, ex)

Awww I'm so glad you like my silly headcanons, I fucking love writing them <3

(headcanons in question because they are relevant to this post: Vox and NPD | Valentino and BPD | random Vees headcanons)

You know, I believe their relationship is toxic because neither of them is particularly well-adjusted. However, I wouldn't apply the cycle of abuse theory to them. As far as I know, that theory is used to describe relationships that are highly unequal with clearly defined roles of abuser and victim. For instance, during the tension phase, tension grows in the abuser while the victim "walks on eggshells," trying their best to calm the abuser and constantly living in fear of an incident. I can't really imagine Vox or Valentino being that frightened of each other. Actually, that's why I think they are meant to be together - they can handle each other.

That being said, I do believe they have some relationship issues. In episode 2, we witnessed Vox calming Valentino (by yelling at him so very toxic) when he was angry. Vox hates Valentino's unpredictability because he is a total control freak. While he finds Valentino's fiery temper extremely alluring, he also wishes Val would tone it down. He'd like to have a more reliable partner, especially because for him, falling in love was a significant and risky investment.

On the flip side, immediately after Vox managed to calm Valentino down, Valentino essentially provoked him into a temper tantrum. Look at this shit-eating smile; he knew damn well what he was doing.

Vox usually keeps his emotions hidden behind a polished facade, staying detached. Valentino, on the other hand, is all about intense emotions—loves passion, violence, and desperation. He digs Vox's cool business daddy vibe, but it drives him nuts when Vox gets all emotionally distant from him. Vox tries to guard himself because he knows Valentino can easily weaponize people's emotions against them, and he's lowkey scared of being vulnerable. So when he's going through some tough shit, Vox puts up this wall, becomes all distant, and then Valentino feels rejected and starts being a total jerk, pushing Vox away because he's hurting (if you've read my BPD Valentino headcanons, you get what I mean).

So those are the main sources of tension in their relationship. Sometimes one of them snaps. In Vox's case, it means complete withdrawal from the relationship and sinking into work (since he wants a perfect relationship, he rarely even admits he's angry, he's just like "It's fine I just don't have time to see you") which obviously drives Val crazy. Because he's obsessively in love. So to fix the situation he doesn't apologize (since Vox "wasn't even angry") - he just invites himself to Vox's apartment/office and seduces him by acting nice and submissive so Vox can feel in control again.

In Valentino's case, snapping means a violent outburst (though, I don't think he's physically abusive because he knows Vox is not afraid of him and could easily bite back or, even worse, leave him for good). These outbursts make Vox furious because he can't stop them. Then, they end up yelling a lot, throwing stuff around, and sometimes even breaking up. After that, Valentino goes on a week-long bender, just partying and hooking up with dozens of people. Vox, being obsessed, watches everything, and his jealousy always gets the best of him. He finally breaks and sends someone to bring Val back home. Or he personally intervenes, kills whoever Val is fucking, gives him a giant bouquet of roses, and goes all out to prove that he's the best guy Val could ever have. Vox is a showman, so he acts almost like a charming and obnoxiously rich mafia boss from a smutty novel, who wants nothing more than to please his princess with grand gestures.

Oh also I think Val is very sensitive about Vox treating him "like a woman." He's actually very secure in his masculinity; he feels comfortable enough to present himself in feminine ways while still acting masculine. Like I mentioned, he's queer and he totally owns it. On the other hand, Vox still grapples with some deeply internalized heteronormative ideas, occasionally treating Valentino like his bitch. Valentino hates it because he's aware of Vox's sexist tendencies, and he refuses to allow Vox to treat him as though he's beneath him. He genuinely believes in the concept of an equal partnership in their relationship and can't stand Vox's attempts to alter the power dynamics in his favor.

If you like this post you may also like my VoxVal fanfiction

[eishbean-23]

Mental Disabilities

Been seeing this recently and wanted to add onto the #humans are space orcs tag.

So we all know that people have mental disabilities, ADHD, Autism, ADD, OCD, ect ect. We also know that mental disabilities effect every person differently, i.e. one person with autism could hate loud & nosy rooms whilst another thrived in it.

And I have seen someone else write about it, especially how crew mates would be confused and skeptical but also supportive. But I want to talk about the more concerning (?) ones like OCD, BPD, depression, and even PTSD. How would they act? Would they be comforting?, scared?, concerned?, or would they maybe relate?

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Whiuxzer was wandering around the ship late at night, xe was restless and couldn't sleep. They were passing through a rather violent storm and the turbulence was agitating. As Whiuxzer walked past what the humans called the 'living room' xe noticed one of the lights on in the corner. Xe wondered what it was, could it be one of the humans?

Whiuxzer knew that they shouldn't be up this late, it always made them sluggish. Xe approached the corner, it being between the wall and the couch, and peeked past the arm of the couch. Human Max, an older guy around 42(in human standards), was curled into the corner clutching is ears and trembling slightly.

"Human Max-" Max flinched violently and looked up at a shocked Whiuxzer. Max was never like this, he was a stoic, strong, and most certainly didn't huddle in corners like a scared child. What was wrong? Did something break in- was there something in the ship?!

Max's quick laboured breathing caught Whiuxzer's attention.

"Human Max? Are you alright?" Whiuxzer asked as xe crouched down, getting a little below Max's level. Max's eyes darted around Whiuxzer's face. A small shake of Max's head gave Whiuxzer xiz answer. Whiuxzer went to get another human when a loud crack came from outside. Max jumped in terror.

"S-shit why is it always the fucking storms.." Max muttered into his hands. Whiuxzer was confused, was human Max scared of the storm? Surely not...

Human Amanda then came into the living room, looking around for something and then noticing Whiuxzer. She looked puzzled.

"Hey, whatcha you doing up this late?" She asked.

"I couldn't sleep, and human Max is scared. I was about to get someone." Amanda blinked, then walked towards the two. She crouched down and looked past Whuixzer.

"Hey, you good? Storm gettin' to you again?" Amanda asked. Max nodded shakily. She sighed with a smile and reached out to pat Max.

"What? I do not understand, why is the storm scaring human Max?" Whiuxzer asked Amanda. She looked over to xim.

"Oh, well.. Max had PTSD, its a form of trauma that affects people by making them think that their back in a traumatic situation or reminding them of one." Amanda explained while rubbing Max's arm in comfort, he had stopped shaking and was taking deep breathes.

"What kinds of traumatic situations?" Whiuxzer asked. Amanda cringed slightly. Was it a sensitive topic?

"It's okay, Amanda. I can tell him," Max spoke up in his gruff voice, it had made the other two jump. "I was involved in the military around twelve years ago, it was stressful and I was involved in a few wars. The most recent one... It was , I nearly died. So, in regard to that, many of the storms remind me of the battle field and I get scared."

"Oh, I am very sorry human Max." Whiuxzer apologized, guilty that xe had asked about something so sensitive.

"S'all good, its okay to ask, you were curious." Max smiled tiredly and then yawned. Patting Amanda softly, Max stood up and helped Amanda too. Whiuxzer got up as well, looked around the room.

"Human Max? Would you like to stay out here with me? I can't sleep currently and I could provide some company so your less scared." Whiuxzer asked. Max looked at him shocked that he would offer. Whiuxzer's species were not the comfort type. Max then smiled, and nodded graciously.

Maybe Whiuxzer could relate, even just a little.

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(I know this is terrible, but I really wanted to get this thought out)

[pnkvmp]

☆♪ Talk to me? ( Bakugo x gn!bpd!reader comfort )

♪ ~ this is my first fic ever omg I’m a little nervous but I suffer from bpd and I wanted to write a little fic for anyone else who might need comfort through a split, this is just based off of what it feels like when I’m splitting and what triggers me !! I also wanted to give a little heads up I use the term pretty in here as a gender neutral nickname ^_^

♡Summary: You and Mina are close friends and one day she doesn’t talk much to you causing you to split and shut down, your boyfriend bakugo notices and tries comforting you through it.

It was your average day at U.A, the day was going by slowly, your teachers lecture echoing through your hollow brain and the words going in and out the other ear. You tapped the eraser of your pencil on the desk trying to entertain yourself but suddenly caught by the deep voice of your teacher, “alright everyone, That’s it for my lecture today.” and as he picked up his papers and set the chalk down on the ledge of the board he began to step out of the room in favor of the next teacher who would be teaching the next lesson, as he left the idle chitchat in the room grew and you eagerly turned toward your best friend Mina who sat closest to you.

“Hey Mina! You should see this-“ before you could even finish your sentence you noticed she was turned around to Kirishima, chatting and giggling with him, so you tried speaking up again “Hey Mina!-“ and to your own surprise you were once again ignored. You sighed and turned around resting your chin in your palm and tapping your eraser back onto the top of your desk, Mina never usually did this to you did you upset her? Maybe you’ve been on her nerves and she needs a break. The thoughts of why she was ignoring you began to weigh you down as you slightly slumped into your chair.

It wasn’t long before the day had passed, you had made multiple attempts to chat with Mina, and even the others but it seemed like you were just invisible to them for some reason. As you gathered your things to head home you noticed a familiar blonde standing beside you, “Something the matter?” he raised his brow at you already noticing your demeanor, you sighed and looked up at him not really in the mood to talk, negative thoughts weighing in on you and draining you like a battery “m’ fine..” you said as you shut your locker and raised your backpack over your shoulder “your lyin’ it’s written all over your face.” He scoffed as he followed you on your way home, it wasn’t uncommon at all for katsuki to spend the evening with you after school sometimes he would even spend the night and the two of you would walk to school together in the morning, you shrugged him off and the two of you walked to your house in comfortable silence.

Whenever you made it home you threw your backpack onto the floor and katsuki followed suit, he watched as you irritatedly pulled out your cellphone and opened the group chat for the Baku-squad and hovered your finger over the leave button, it quickly caught his interest as he spoke up “woah, what’s going on? Did those idiots say something to you?” sitting down beside you on your bed as close to you as he could, “no, I just don’t want to be friends with them anymore, I didn’t like them anyways..” you scoffed leaving the group chat quickly and bakugo looked at you with a shocked look before realizing what was going on. When the two of you started dating you were very open to him about your disorder and how sometimes when someone wouldn’t talk to you you’d split and start spiraling, this wasn’t the first time you had split on one of your friends in the time of you two dating so he knew what to do and how to help you.

“Woah pretty, let’s calm down. Tell me what happened today.” Bakugo said gently grabbing your hand that was picking at your skin angrily in an effort to stop you, “They wouldn’t talk to me at all! I tried to talk to Mina and she completely ignored me, same with Kiri and Denki they all just hate me I didn’t do anything to them!” You said as you furrowed your brows and scoffed, you started angrily rambling to your boyfriend as you spiraled into a hole of negativity and he quickly stopped you, “Just ignore those damn bastards, they get full of themselves and full of shit sometimes that they don’t even realize there are other people around” he said bitterly, he was quite angry that your group of friends would ignore you and make you feel like this. You sighed and held his hand up to your face and rested your cheek in the palm of his warm hand, “maybe I’m being over dramatic, I’m such a crybaby I don’t know why you put up with me..” Katsuki shook his head and scoffed “Quit saying bullshit like that! You ain’t being over dramatic yer just upset, and you ain’t no crybaby!” he said as he gently pulled on your cheeks “Later when you’re feeling better message those assholes and tell them what they did made you upset you hear me? And if they don’t apologize I’ll make em!” He scoffed as he moved a hand away from your face to set off very minimal explosions in his hand causing you to giggle a little, “alright I will I promise” you sighed looking dreamily at your boyfriend.

Despite what everyone thought about katsuki and how loud and mean he could be he was always sweet with you, it wasn’t like that from the start but he grew on you and you grew on him, it was moments like these that you loved so much about him you loved that he cared so passionately in such a violent way, it always cheered you up. As the evening settled closer to night time the two of you had your individual showers and changed into your pjs, bakugo sat on the bed and you were laying on top of him with your head nestled into his neck and his legs wrapped around yours as he ran his fingers through your hair. The whole ordeal with the bakusquad had been settled and you managed to completely forget why you were even upset as you embraced your boyfriend’s warmth and dozed off to sleep.

[borderlinereminders]

This is an article I've shared before that I've written, but I wanted to share it again so that I could post the text below the read more for those that aren't comfortable clicking to an external site.

This is a post about how to work on avoiding giving into harmful urges.

Something that comes up a lot in BPD, but also a number of other disorders, is impulse control and urges.

It can be so hard to not give in. For example, when feeling angry, we might have an urge to scream at someone, say something hurtful, harm ourselves or any number of things.

It’s really important to learn how to cope with harmful impulses and urges.

One way to do this is what is called Urge Surfing. Urge surfing is about “riding the wave” of an urge. The longer you resist an urge, the stronger it seems to get, much like the building of a wave. If you do give into an urge, that teaches your brain that giving into the urge is the only way to make it go away. However, research has shown that urges generally last for 20 to 30 minutes. It may feel like it’s going to keep on getting stronger and stronger until you give into it, but much like a wave, it will break and go away if you can avoid it.

Trying to directly stop an urge can be difficult. If you have ever tried to swim directly against a wave, you know that it can be exhausting. Especially as it gets stronger, it can feel like a wave will overwhelm you. On the other hand, if you swim to the side or otherwise do not work directly against the wave, you can move out of its power or give it time to break and dissipate without using nearly as much energy. Working with urges can be exactly the same.

One way I resist an urge is the “not now, later” approach. With this approach, I tell myself that, “Okay, you want to do that thing? That’s fine, but it has to be later.” I find this works for a lot of things because when I outright tell myself, “no,” I find it harder to let go of the urge. By telling myself I can give into the urge, but do it later, I find I can ignore the urge in less discomfort and usually by the time later arrives (I like a “sleep on it” rule for later, depending on the situation), the urge has passed and I can move on. If I do this repeatedly, I teach my brain to understand that the urge will go away whether I act on it or not.

Some things that can be useful to do when Urge Surfing:

Recognize and acknowledge that you are having an urge

Notice and describe the thoughts and feelings you are having, without trying to change or suppress them. This may be uncomfortable, but that’s okay. Discomfort while feeling an urge is normal.

Remind yourself:

There is nothing wrong with having urges. They are normal and natural parts of having addictions, habits and desires.

Discomfort is okay.

An urge is a desire, not a need. I can have an urge and choose not to act.

Urges are temporary. They will pass, whether I give into them or not.

Some other things you can do are focus on distracting yourself whether that’s by activities you like, grounding techniques or just overall keeping busy.

Remind yourself that you are in control. As hard as it is, you can choose not to act on your urge. It may feel impossible, but you can do it, and reminding yourself of that can help.

If it helps you, you can journal about your feelings and urges. Sometimes writing them down can help us realize why the urge isn’t good to give into. With that said, you can also spend some time thinking about why you shouldn’t do the thing you want to do. For example, you don’t want to yell at your friend because you know the feeling you’re experiencing is temporary and you don’t want to cause them unfair hurt which can also have lasting effects on your friendship. (With that said, if after you are calmer and you rationally think that cutting a friend off is better for your own mental health, then you should do that.)

And as time goes on, the urge should get less. This can help us because we are aware the discomfort we are in won’t last. If we feel like the discomfort won’t go away until we act on the urge, we are more likely to act on the urge to make it stop. Remind yourself that it will pass on its own.

Over time, Urge Surfing can help your brain learn that it doesn’t need to react to urges. It can help to make urges easier to avoid giving into, in the long-term.

[rottenwhimsy]

villanelle and autism

side notes before i begin:

some of these traits could also be explained by cluster b disorders, as she’s heavily bpd coded and canonically aspd, but i see her as both cluster b AND autistic.

also, please don’t say things like “YES she’s not a psychopath, she’s autistic instead” because she’s still very much aspd and i don’t want to take that away. i’ve seen a lot of people with aspd really identify with villanelle and say she portrays it well.

just scroll if you don’t agree, this is a harmless headcanon and i’m simply explaining why i have this headcanon, as well as why a lot of autistic people seem to relate to her (people get SO mad if you even insinuate a popular character might be autistic lol)

masking/mirroring

masking is a strategy used to hide neurodivergent traits in order to blend in with neurotypicals. this can include mirroring (mimicking others expressions/behaviors), or even entire persona changes.

in the very first scene villanelle carefully observes a man smiling then mimics his smile (1x01)

villanelle hears a woman laugh on the radio then mimics her laugh, later she reuses that same laugh with sebastian (1x02)

liked copying the statue people in the street (2x05)

often mimics konstantin and predicts what he’s going to say

can quickly switch personas, adopts different accents and dialects quickly, and reuses phrases that are said to her

taking things literally

when talking about villanelle anna says “she was quite literal” and goes on to describe how villanelle misinterpreted a joke so confidently that she killed someone because of it (1x07)

interprets the bible extremely literally in season 4

“i have children” “i don’t want your children” (1x05)

“sheep are happier than wolves” “you spend your time off surveying sheep?” (3x08)

took konstantin saying “do something normal” literally (1x02)

“you are not a pumpkin, you a beautiful” (1x04)

kills gabriel because she thought he was genuinely asking to die when he was expressing how sad he was about his situation (2x01)

sensory seeking (& sensitivities)

touches and focuses on the texture of the liliana rizzari duvet, goes out of her way to ask the man she’s killing for the name of the duvet, later purchases it for herself and carefully feels the texture of it again (1x01)

generally touches and smells everything

“i want to smell her skin” (4x03) as well as her describing her ideal perfume in detail then asking eve and konstantin to smell her (3x03)

hates wearing crocs and other “non-nice” things, is very fixated on “nice” things like high quality clothes and food

makes people stroke her hair when she’s feeling upset (2x05 and 4x01)

bold fashion with a lot of colors/patterns/textures

seems to dislike most people hugging her

more up to interpretation, but she wore headphones in 3x04 and 3x05, once while she was having a meltdown on a train

struggles with social cues

includes coming off as blunt/rude, trouble navigating groups, and not interpreting situations correctly

how awkward and blunt she was at her wedding (3x01)

interacting with the church, especially in 4x02

doesn’t know how to react to displays of emotion (gabriel crying, benita crying, was confused and froze when her brother was being affectionate)

doesn’t understand why some people are upset with her (konstantin in s2, may in s4, eve at multiple points)

doesn’t understand that certain things will make people upset (being very blunt with gabriel then being put off when he starts crying)

struggles with understanding boundaries

doesn’t see authority figures as an authority (teasing and flirting with the prison guards, threatening konstantin, casually killing anton, doesn’t seem to understand consequences)

does not follow rules that don’t make sense to her

breaks into eve’s house expecting a normal dinner, doesn’t know how to calm eve down and ends up making her panic more (1x05)

didn’t understand why eve’s coworkers were acting scared of her (3x08)

is confused as to why sebastian laughs when she says she likes national anthems (1x02)

not understanding why her mom was laughing at her and that it was mocking “you always laugh at things that aren’t funny” “like you?” “yes” (3x05)

stimming

the repetitive performance of certain physical movements or vocalizations in order to self soothe or express emotion

big jumpy happy dance (3x04)

during cup game (3x05)

jumping and spinning on the heels of her boots by the train with rhian (3x08)

her copying noises she hears could be a type of vocal stim, echolalia

on the train ride at the end of 3x05

there are more examples but i can’t list them all since she generally bounces around a lot and has a lot of big movements

inappropriate/bizarre responses

yelling “this is so BORINGGG” while in an art museum (2x04)

“i mean i masturbate about you a lot” (1x08)

yelling “JUST DUNK ME” while getting baptized (4x01)

soooo many instances that again i can’t list them all…

alexithymia

alexithymia is the difficulty feeling or identifying emotions (or physical stressors like pain)

her whole aa meeting speech in 2x06 about how she feels nothing and the distress it causes (is extremely bored, hurts herself and it doesn’t hurt, just wants to feel something)

doesn’t know if she’s telling the truth or not (2x07), this could also be because of masking as too much masking can cause identity confusion, not knowing what you’re faking and what’s authentic

weakened sense of danger, even says “i don’t get scared” (2x08)

says she’s fine then immediately collapses (2x01)

other traits

meltdowns, especially at the end of 3x05 where she was wearing headphones and had increased stimming while crying

low empathy

attaches to and fixates on a specific person, obsession prone

REJECTION SENSITIVE DYSPHORIA

has always felt estranged and inherently different from others, “i’m not normal you know” (2x01)

detail oriented, notices things others don’t

bad at dancing/rhythm

exaggerated facial expressions

exaggerated speech

poor impulse control

differences in expressing emotions and communication

only comfortable with select people

perfectionism, hates working with a team and wants to do jobs alone (1x04, 3x02)

feels threatened when irina knows more languages than her, as languages are something villanelle is very interested in (1x08)

black and white thinking

[xdiana97x]

Why Kuvira is my most beloved and comfort character from Legend of Korra I have ever met and why I ship Suyin and Kuvira.

This breaks me every time cause I had an horrible childhood before I got adopted. I often had and after all have issues to see my foster parents and their biological son's as family.

Kuvira is some one who always try to help in her own way, that she's afraid lose people that she care for It's a habit I have, I try to find always a solution for the people around me to make them happy and I'm tired loose people. (YES she try to kill Baatar Jr, but she was under heavy pressure, overwhelmed by her own issues in the end and just wanted to find order. But especially in Runis of the Empire we can see more about the side she change and feel sorry for everything she did.)

I'm a person who got diagnosed in my early twentys with PTSD, BPD and heavy depression. May it's more my opinion but I see in Kuvira mental health issues too. Most because of her childhood. The fact that Suyin made also mistakes with her are reasons why it make sense for me and that she completely lock down her feelings before she fired that kannon (It's a thing what I do when I gave to make big and heavy decisions)

All of this is my personal opinion and my head canon but I think that Su had Kuvira maybe titeld as "daughter" for people that ask for and give statement for public but never seen her as one she more saw her self in Kuvira and try to give her everything . Suyin gave Kuvira the opportunity to join her guards, let her rank up to the captain position and I guess Kuvira was also teached for political stuff to lead Zaofu some day and she let Kuvira work in the end as her own bodyguard (because why the f.... Kuvira is around Su when she had that discussion with Tenzin and Raiko when she would be just a simple guard) and they both spend a lot time together with out family , before Suyin made the decision to not help the earth kingdom. (I mean Kuvira is in S3 never seen as part of the family and is not part of the family picture on her desk or when they have dinner she also isn't around to keep her out and that's make for me clear she is not her daughter ).

Opal ask about later in Runis of the Empire Su this and she didn't give a real answer to this. She just say it's not the right time now and is some where with her throughs. I mean look how sad she look here, or should I say worried about her beloved baby girl. And Su set everything on it to get Kuvira back at home and ignore the fact that Junior will never see Kuvira again. Cause Su just realized she can't live without her.

This here are also not away I would look at my "daughter". The simeles are to obvious that there is more.

AFTER ALL THIS IS MY PERSONAL OPINION.

Plus:

I know many are disgusted because of the age gab and the "she raised her like a daughter" thing. But tbh If Kuvira would be a true part and adoptive daughter, she would not go with Baatar Jr in relationship and would see him as brother. So please go away with this arguments. Kuvira never saw Su really as Mother. The thing between Baatar Jr and Kuvira is for me more like an committed that Su wanted in the beginning before Kuvira did her own thing and take Junior with her , to give her a better spotlight in the publicity.

Oh and I can say there is a really good fan comic "Young Kuvira" made by @mashersan that explains a lot more why Suvira is something.

[tippedarrows]

You know what? I think I'm ready to hear (some more? can't remember if you've posted some already) headcanons about Romeo and Aiden.

GAGGING THROWING UPOKAY OKKKOKOKOK

so like they literally can bond over being convicted terrorists. as well as the shit being beat out of them by jesse. AND losing their friends because of it!

these are hcs between me and @mrballpit !!

These are mostly post protocol!

Both very jealous people. Aiden's brash personality very much so ticks off Romeo - headcanoning he has BPD (romer).

They're both the kind of people to get beat down and then give up - lots of falling outs, but end up talking to each other about it.

With the Admin, I think Aiden would have been the IDEAL champion for him. Aiden will suck up for power, recognition, and the Admin would skyrocket his ego. Their ideals are like-minded, though one materialist and the other emotional, leaving a lot of room. Aiden wants the power the Admin can offer, and Romeo wants the friendship that'll come from that offer.

Both of them also are people that are very likely, if offered their previous stance after their redemption, I dont think either would take them. Such as Romeo's old powers or Sky City. Neither want to do that again after what they've lost.

also, oddly enough, I think Aiden could comfort Romeo on going through similar things. Very like minded with what they've done and gone through, and they could VERY much so bond over that. Aiden would LOVE Romeo's danger and challenges, and Romeo would LOVE how much genuine effort Aiden puts into everything.

aiden would Love to prove himself to his boyfriend, and Romeo is like Yes. Show me how STRONG YOU ARE!!! YES!!! BREAK THAT ARMOR STAND!!!!! YESSSSS!!!!

There is SOOO MUCH TO SAY!! this was touching on the surface.

" I'm going up and I'm taking the rest of you with me " type shit

now.... if you want ..... the more... uh.. toxic sides of the relationship... ask for that specifically cuz theres a lot of those.. the relationship isnt perfect! Specially cuz I headcanon Romer with BPD and Aiden as a narcissist. Just because a relationship has it's up and downs doesnt mean it cant work! Must disclaim that BPD here wont be villanized or romanticized, but it does play a role in Romeo's VERY intense ups and downs.

[violentviolette]

i see we have reached that time every 2 to 3 years when this entire tag completely forgets/warps the meanings of words and instead of just doing absolutely any research, just says incorrect information with their whole chest with the false confidence of a child emporer so here's a little reminder

empathy is broken up into 2 components. cognitive empathy and affective/emotional empathy

cognitive empathy is the ability to correctly identify and intellectually understand the emotions of others. an example would be, ur friend has lost a relative and has been upset and down recently. u recognize their lack of engagement and low energy and need for time alone as them processing that grief, u understand why they are upset after the death of someone they cared for. none of this requires u to personally feel any emotions, it is an intellectual understanding and is therefore something people learn through experience with others. it is connected to emotional literacy and understanding human behavior

affective/emotional empathy is an involuntary and uncontrolled mirror response. it exists in social species to help strengthen bonds and encourage emotional understanding, and is when u very literally experience the emotions of others. an example would be, ur friend has lost a relative and is upset, and u mirror their emotional state and share in their grief. u feel pain and sadness and loss alongside them, u cry, u need time alone to process, u not only understand why they are upset, but u urself are also upset as if this was happening to u as well. this is an involuntary response, it cannot be taught or learned, and it cannot be conciously or actively turned on or off by the person experiencing it. u feel these emotions reguardless of if u want to or not. it is instinctual the same way yawning is. yawning is theorized to be a type of affective empathy and the instinctual response to yawn after seeing someone else yawn is an example of mirroring

all human beings are capable of cognitive empathy. it is a skill that can be taught and learned. most people learn this skill in childhood, others when they are older, but there is no limit to when u can learn to understand this

emotional empathy on the other hand, is much more complex. people experience this on a spectrum, like most things. trauma hugely impacts our ability to feel emotional empathy, and it is a common and standard symptom for victims of abuse to develop empathy dysfunctions. this can include anything from empathy "turning off" or "shutting down" which describes a fluctuating state of empathy within a person. they can have empathy for some people or situations but not others and is highly connected to their specific trauma. its a defense mechanism, these people often had their empathy weaponized against them and used to abuse them, so their brains learn to stop feeling it in order to protect themselves, like building up a pain tolerance some people lose the ability to emotionally empathize entirely after abuse, and cannot expereince empathy reguardless of the person or situation. sometimes this is temporary and with enough healing and time away from abuse they can regain that ability, others do not and never experience it again. and some people are born without the ability to emotionally empathize at all and have never expereinced it (like some autistic people, this is again a spectrum)

cluster b disorders cover a range of empathy dysfunction, but they do all expereince it. hpd is usually catagorized with short, temporary interruptions/dysfunctions and can almost always regain the ability to emotionally empathize, bpd and npd usually have fluctuating empathy that turns on and off, in bpd it is much more likely for that to become lifelong, whereas with npd it is more likely to be able to regain full empathy, and lastly aspd is catagorized by a complete break and lack of emotional empathy that is not able to be regained

and absolutely none of that is connected to ur treatment of others. empathy is not an action, it is solely about ur own internal emotional expereince or lack thereof. it has nothing to do with how u respond to others, how u handle situations, or ur ability to act compassionately or with care and consideration for those around u. it is solely about ur own personal internal emotional expereince in response to other peoples emotions

hope that helps

[nikonandesu]

＃IDENTITY V !! — THAT DAY ( ORPHEUS X READER).

#. synopsis — he misses you and his heart aches over and over , constantly wondering what he could've done to prevent you from leaving .

#. characters — orpheus deross .

#. warnings — mentions of violence, physical assault .

#. word count — 2k.

#. author's note —okay wow, this is my first fanfic post on here, if this gets attention... perhaps people would want to request me in the future ? just a thought ! orpheus also has bpd here !

The look on your face was one of sheer terror, a look that Orpheus was all too familiar with.

He hated it, he hated it so much.

He knew you were scared the moment his senses came back to him, his arm out stretched while beneath him was your crumpled form wincing in utter pain. You didn't look so good, a feeling of regret instantly pooling into the pit of his gut. Were you still conscious? his mind was racing with thoughts that never seemed to end. He felt as if he was suspended in time — forever reminded of what he had just done to you.

NO, this couldn't be happening !

"Y/N, wait —" your name struggled to make it's way out of his mouth, nervously stumbling forward as he tried to keep you from vanishing. "I can explain, you have to belie—"

A shrilling scream left your trembling voice, something that forever haunted the deepest core of his memory. You quickly got up to your feet and without a second glance, left the room immediately as you could with tears streaming down your face in panic.

Orpheus remained speechless as he stood there, in the middle of his now empty study. Why did you run from him? why did you look at him as if a demon took over him? in the midst of his panicking, the novelist spotted a mirror that was cracked and he soon found his answer.

His eyes were a bright purple, almost startling himself as he breaks the glass to stop looking at his reflection. Another hasty decision his end, dropping to his knees as shards of glass pierced his now bleeding knuckles.

Huff... huff...

"... Y/N..." his voice trembled as he sobbed, left alone to his own devices. He wanted you back so badly, he couldn't handle how the silence was now beginning to suffocate him. He was used to the loneliness, but after meeting you — Orpheus had realized what it finally meant to have someone by his side. You were what gave warmth to the coldness of his personality.

Ever since he lost that girl from ages ago... the one family that meant the most to him. Now you were gone too, a fate that was worst than death.

"That's right... I was always meant for this fate. I am what a tragedy needs, never meaning to be whole again.." he talks about himself with malice, almost sneering as he felt the bitterness in the back of his throat.

"A fool is what I was meant to be."

[kaddyssammlung]

A few days ago I was driving in the car and Bloodsport from the Room below came on. Of course I had to sing along. I made it to “even if the earth breaks like burnt skin” and then I stopped. I collapsed internally.....

It's weird mood day and I'm already sobbing anyway so let me take five minutes to deep dive into that weird mood and write down how I made “loving Elena” a bloodsport. Why? Because it's what this makes me think about.

TW: mental health issues (BPD and also SH)

Elena is someone that I mentioned a few times in here already. She sat next to me in school. We went to grammar school together. I met her in fifth grade. We were seated next to each other (by me English teacher btw.) in the second half of 7th grade. At least that's how I remember it.

We became best friends. Well...or so I thought. She was the worst “bpd fave person” relationship that I ever had. A favorite person is just another term for...wait...I steal something from the internet to explain it well enough

“ People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) often form intense attachments, frequently singling out a “favorite person”. This dynamic can be profoundly meaningful yet challenging for both individuals involved. For the person with BPD, the favorite person becomes a vital source of emotional support and validation, sometimes to the point of dependency.1 On the other hand, the individual identified as the BPD favorite person may experience pressure and emotional exhaustion as they navigate the complexities of the BPD favorite person relationship.“ (source)

Emotional support and validation...that's what I used her for. I don't know a better term then to say use or no..it's abusive behaviour. Of course there is a reason why I did that and also someone in their teens may not really be mature enough to understand what they are doing. I was not aware of it.

I still remember that stupid messenger everyone used back then “icq”. And then “ao” when you got a message. The way that I often stared at this because I knew that she was upset with me. Hearing that “ao” gave me a rush of anxiety because I did not know if things were going to be okay again or not.

When I was upset because she was upset over something that I had done then I turned this against myself. I self-harmed because I deserved it. In that case it served as punishment for me. She knew that. I often let her know. I even told her that I only did it so that be could be even. That's emotional abuse btw...just to be clear. I know that now but 16 year old me had no idea.

I don't want to go into details...I did a few things that were a lot more fucked up then this btw.

One day we had a fight and I told her that I was in love with her. She is straight btw....well actually she is “bi curious”. She slept with a women once because she thought she was so attractive and also she wanted to know what it would feel like. Yeah great....thank you...I would have slept with you. Okay bad idea but whatever...

She has a boyfriend and they have been in a relationship for ikd....15 years now or so...

I forgot where I was.. Oh yes....I confessed to her that I loved her. That was it. She stopped talking to me for two years. I deserved that...or more. And no we are not close these days. We talk randomly that's all.

So...can I find in within me to forgive myself for all the BS that I did to her? Right now in this moment: no! But I choose to see my innocence in all of this. And also "no amount of self-sought fury will bring back to glory of innocence"...so true!

The reason why I collaped over "even if the earth breaks like burnt skin"...well.... He has one burn scar. That day this got to me for some reason...i have harmed myself in many ways but not like that. But I get it.

[witherstarau]

THE EMERALD TWINS

Meet our main protagonists, JJ and Jess!

IDEAS AND REWRITES:

Gonna try and incorporate how each of the dialogue options in the game showcases Jesse’s personality.

JJ is more blunt and abrasive, he can come off as a jerk but does care about others. Due to having to raise himself and Jess he’s a bit closed off and rarely opens up to anyone.

Jess is a lot more energetic and rowdy! Huge Bratty little sister energy, likes to tease and bother her twin brother. Though due to her being a social outcast, she’s a huge people pleaser and overcompensates by being reckless and pushing herself hard.

The reason I split these two into separate characters is so I can have a better time writing scenes like the Magnus/Ellegaard

Also planning on goin more in depth on the psychological toll the games events had on them

They didn’t have a name and came up with Jesse/Jessica on the spot, overtime they shortened it so it can be easier to distinguish between them

JJ

Big hairy guy

I made him have cooler colors to highlight how more gruff and closed off he is

Not fond of strangers and prefers to stick to his friends

Was really close to Reuben and Jess

Not a huge fan of adventuring, but went along with Jess just to keep her safe

However during/after the Witherstorm, JJ was forced to take on more responsibility and make sacrifices

Losing Reuben and being shackled with the new responsibility of being one of the new leaders of the Order of the Stone was a huge blow to his mental health, especially since he barely had time to process it

PAMA and The Old Builders were basically the breaking point, he was tired of being a hero, his whole life was taken away by the Witherstorm, he had his heroes’ image shattered.

When they do come back, JJ decides he wants to focus on taking care of Beacontown

However, this causes a him and Jess to drift apart, which kicks off Season 2

JESS

OH I HAVE SPECIAL PLANS FOR THIS GIRL

She has Autism and BPD, she struggles with making friends and can be overly attached to her current ones. Which is why the Order slowly drifting apart hit her hard

She’s the first one to learn about Petra’s wither sickness. She stresses herself out trying to take care of Petra while also making sure nobody knew for Petra’s sake

Jess bottles up their emotions and beats themselves up for every little mistake. So when Petra gets worse, she breaks down and confesses to Lukas and JJ

Reuben’s death also struck her hard but she tried to distance herself from the pain by seeking adventure

When them and JJ started to grow apart, she turned to Petra to ignore how hurt she felt and relied on the adoration of her fans to boost her ego

Though when the people of Beacontown started to get tired of her, she started to grow desperate again which led to her discovering Heckmouth

[bpdetrimental]

yo idk if your chill w/ questions about bpd n shit but uhm

whats the difference between BPD n Borderline again? I think I have the one where its like weekly n not daily, but im still very unsure if thats a thing (did hear it from one of my friends) and am obviously still researching

just trying to learn n stuff yk, mb if this is too informal or something

Hello, my friend! Thank you for reaching out :) sorry this is a bit long, but I really want to help you out!

Although I am not an expert in any sort of sense, I do like to do research to help and understand others with mental illnesses. I hope this may be able to help you understand a few of the key differences of the two to help you along your journey!

Bpd (borderline personality disorder) is more of the kind where you feel intense mood swings depending on many different variables. Here is a definition I have found to help define it in short

“Borderline personality disorder is a mental health condition that affects the way people feel about themselves and others, making it hard to function in everyday life. It includes a pattern of unstable, intense relationships, as well as impulsiveness and an unhealthy way of seeing themselves. Impulsiveness involves having extreme emotions and acting or doing things without thinking about them first.”

Here is a link to read up on it if you’re interested!

This article really helps you get a grasp of some of the key concepts, causes, risk factors, etc.

There is also the criteria you have to meet to be diagnosed with Borderline, for which you need to meet at least 5 of 9 of them to be diagnosed.

1. Fear of abandonment

2. Unstable or changing relationships

3. Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self

4. Impulsive or self-damaging behaviors (e.g., excessive spending, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).

5. Suicidal behavior or self-injury

6. Varied or random mood swings

7. Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness

8. Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights

9. Stress-related paranoia or loss of contact with reality

Unfortunate, right? Well, there are also subtypes of the disorder, which make it very difficult to get a proper diagnosis as well.

1. Impulsive

2. Discouraged

3. Self-Destructive

4. Petulant

Here’s a link to an article that may help to learn about them as well!

Link: https://www.verywellhealth.com/types-of-bpd-5193843

Now onto BP (Bipolar Disorder)

Here is a definition I have found and I will provide the link, which includes the definitions for the differing diagnoses and questions and answers regarding the disorder.

“Bipolar disorder (formerly called manic-depressive illness or manic depression) is a mental illness that causes unusual shifts in a person’s mood, energy, activity levels, and concentration. These shifts can make it difficult to carry out day-to-day tasks.”

Link: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/bipolar-disorder

Of course, there are similarities between the disorders, but key differences as well! Things like mood changes, suicidal behavior and harmful behavior, are things both have in common, whereas a key difference is the rate at which the moods change. For example, a Bipolars mood may last distinct periods of time (maybe weeks or more), while a Borderlines moods may change rapidly within the course of a few minutes.

Here’s an article of the similarities and differences of the two!

Link: https://www.healthline.com/health/your-faqs-answered-bipolar-disorder-vs-borderline-personality-disorder

Of course, as I have said, I am by no means a professional! I encourage you to do your own research (you know yourself best) to see if either of them resonates with how you’re feeling! This way, you are able to get a diagnoses and some help!

Either way, you need to know you are not broken, and still are deserving of love. People with personality disorders have suffered a lot, and yet we are still stigmatized and hated by some. Nonetheless, I have learned that the community here on tumblr (and others out there!) are more than welcoming and accepting. There is always help out there!

And if anybody with BP or BPD has anything else to add, or would like to correct me on anything please let me know or comment! We are all here to help each other <3

[styxvii]

I'm sorry if this seems intrusive, but I'm really curious.🙏

Hello! It would be very interesting to know what inspired you when creating the song "Victimized". Or how you came up with it, what (what feelings, memories, experiences) did you put/create in the song?Maybe there are characters/people that are associated with this song?

Thank you🩷

omgg no ur okay!! rutbawierbt this is going to be long gomen 🙏 I think its important to share these experiences

for the sound i was listening to d3r and can of bliss a lot at the time 😭 TW for abuse ment, SA/harassment

FOR CONTEXT IM A LESBIAN I kept having dreams about one of my abusers breaking into my room and staring at me in my bed among like other dreams of him and it made me realize i was dealing with a similar situation all over again. I had a DIFFERENT person who was se/xually harassing me and getting off on crossing my boundaries and watching me panic and freeze up/not knowing what to do (which now that im writing this down i realize thats literally what was happening in my dream). I couldn't understand why i kept letting him take advantage of me and then walk away from the situation and be like?? why did i do that? why do i keep giving in to him when i feel DISGUSTING afterwards?? I feel so uncomfortable every time but i never stop him. and then i realized i WAS trying to stop him but he would persisted anyways, told me it was fine, told me it was normal, told me im freaking out over nothing, and i just didnt even know how to combat someone stomping over my boundaries so effortlessly? and id totally shut down and freeze and he'd look at me in this way, his eyes looked like they were devouring my fear. and this definitely wasn't the first time someone had done this to me, it was just the first time it clicked in my head what was happening. Through out all of it I was so frantic and I felt this intense feeling of dread all the time, but he kept telling me it wasnt a big deal, i was so confused 😭 so i suppose the song is about subconsciously knowing someones hurting u but not quite getting to the point where you KNOW it yet? and u just dont understand why u keep ending up with people like this over and over. It was bc i had no self worth and severe abandonment issues! and well people like that love people like me (at the time, im better now lol) bc we're easy to lovebomb, gaslight, and manipulate and we'll do anything to be loved (especially bc i was manic the entire time)

so also while im talking about this omg i wish people would stop being like "mentally ill girls are my type" or "im into girls with bpd" bc to me i hear it in his voice, and all my other abusers voices. like they like girls like that BC we'd do anything to be loved and these types of people feed of the desperation we have to find someone after time and time of being abused so severely we develop PERSONALITY DISORDERS, who will care for us in a genuine way. they want to take advantage of us :( (i get comments like this and they definitely were in my mind while i was writing this song)