#humans are space oddities

[niqhtlord01]

Humans are weird: The Blind Demon

( Please come see me on my new patreon and support me for early access to stories and personal story requests :D https://www.patreon.com/NiqhtLord Every bit helps)

( A continuation of Humans are weird: An army of heroes )

“Where is our empress?”

It was the one question the human delegation would not relent on. Despite the Sygonic diplomat’s best attempts to steer the conversation towards more fruitful topics, such as a cease fire between their two powers or even a complete cessation of hostilities, the human’s would not open discussion until they could verify the state of their captive empress. A notion lead delegate Harken was doing everything in his power to avoid.

Before the war between the Sygonic and Terran Empire had broken out their empress, Imelia Asghar, had surrendered herself to the Sygonic people. Officially she stated her reasoning was that she would not risk the lives of her people in war without risking her own, but in reality Harken and many of his colleagues suspected it was more of a propaganda tool for the human masses.

Things had been going well with her as their captive. The Sygonic Senate had afforded her every luxury, going so far as to treat her as a noble guest rather than the ruler of their sworn enemies. They couldn’t decide on if to use her as a bargaining chip down the road with the Terran government or political pawn, but they wagered for the interim keeping her happy would keep all parties content for now.  

Then Lord Commander Abarax Caston had demanded a meeting and things went straight to hell.

During their discussion the empress goaded and prodded at the lord commander’s ego and intellect, or lack of, until Caston took hold of a glass bottle and threw it at the empress. The bottle smashed against her face with such force that one eye ruptured into a gory mess and her face was scared with a dozen glass shards slicing her skin.

Medical professionals from across the Sygonic domain had been transported to tend to her but even with the physical injuries healed and a freshly cloned eye the damage was already beyond fixing. All the empress needed to do was to open her mouth and tell her people that she had been brutalized by none other than the Lord Commander himself and the peace talks would fall apart like quicksand beneath their feet. 

“As I’ve said before,” the Sygonic diplomat repeated yet again, “Empress Asghar is currently unable to attend this meeting and we should proceed without her.”

The human diplomats shared several expressions ranging from disbelief to sheer outrage.

“How can we negotiate in good faith when you will not present our head of state to us?” the lead human diplomat, “Conner” the Sygonic diplomat thought their name was, spoke. “How can we be sure she is even alive?”

With the concern finally spoken aloud it spread like a virus through the entire human delegation. If he did not act soon they would most likely leave and the peace talks would-

With a loud groan the door to the room slowly opened cutting off the growing murmurs of discontent and drawing the eyes of everyone in the chamber.

“Please do sit down, gentlemen.” The voice was soft yet authoritative as the speaker slowly entered the room. “I was hardly worth this much commotion even before I became a prisoner.”

To the relief of all, Empress Imelia Asghar strode into the room. She wore a flowing gown of the richest emerald and a simple crimson Fascinator Hat that made her the center of attention immediately with hardly any effort. The calming effect she had over her delegation was not lost on the Sygonic delegates, but it was only momentary as the humans noticed something off-putting.

Asghar’s face was hidden behind a mask of pure marble white carved to her exact likeness. In place of her eyes were two pitch black lens’s that hid her eyes. It was like looking into the eyes of a doll and it quickly dampened the human’s enthusiasm to see their empress.

Why is she wearing a mask? The Sygonic diplomat thought to themselves. The surgeries should have repaired any physical damage.

“Empress Asghar….is that you?” one of the human’s asked uncertainly.

The empress took a seat on the Sygonic side to symbolize her continued imprisonment and turned her gaze across the table to the human delegate.

“Have you so quickly forgotten me Bradlin? And here I thought you were my favorite diplomat.”

Her coy response left Bradlin flatfooted and bumbling as he was unsure of what to say next. The other diplomats were not so easily dissuaded though.

“He does make a good point, we need to first confirm your identity.”

With a nod Bradlin pulled out a small scanning device and swept it over the empress. It beeped several times before flashing bright green.

“Scans say it is our Empress.” Bradlin said, though he still looked unconvinced.

“Would you kindly remove your mask for facial recognition?”

It was here the empress appeared to hesitate. Nothing verbally said but her body language tensed for the briefest of moments.

“The scans should have been enough.” Asghar replied with a hint of annoyance.

“Scanners can be fooled,” the diplomat countered, “and as you said we are your favorite diplomats; who better would recognize you?”

Tilting her head to look at the Sygonic delegates, Asghar slowly reached up and removed the stone mask. A collective gasp of horror came from the humans as they laid eyes on their empress once more.

Her face was a patchwork of cuts and gashes; some still fresh and leaking thin trails of blood. A collection of purple and greens dotted her face from deep swelling bruises. Her lips were split in several places but worst of all was the hollowed eye sockets that gazed out at the gathered dignitaries.

“What in the seven hells have they done to you!?”

Bradlin directed the question at his empress but his gaze was squarely directed at the Sygonic delegates. “Is this what you do to your prisoners!?!”

The Sygonic’s had no response and stammered fruitlessly. None of this made sense. The empress was perfectly fine after her surgeries; they had even seen her in person and she had shown nothing but perfect health.

“It is nothing I cannot endure for my people.” Empress Asghar replied as she picked up the mask and returned it to her face.

“There has been a grave misunderstanding.” The Sygonic’s began but the humans would hear none of it.

“You sick monsters will pay for this! Guards, get in here!!”

From outside the room a platoon of human guards followed shortly by their opposite numbers of the Sygonic guards. The pair drew weapons and pointed at each other while shouting orders back and forth. Several delegates ducked under the table or hid behind chairs as the tension continued to mount.

“ENOUGH!”

The gathered rabble was silenced by the dominating voice of the empress as she stood up from her chair.

“This is a place of diplomacy! Put away your weapons and stop acting like children!”

“But Empress-“ Bradlin countered.

“But nothing!” Asghar silenced him. “We are Terran’s, and we do not forsake the code of diplomacy for anything.”

No one dared move for fear of starting a war as the empress’s words slowly calmed the heads of her delegates, the fate of the war hung by the thinnest of threads. ----------------------------------------------

The meeting broke up not long after that. The humans visible deterred about the treatment of their empress and were already spreading news of her treatment back to the entire Terran Empire. The Sygonic delegation was all but assured that the war would not cease any time soon as a result of her viewing.

As the empress walked by the lead delegate grabbed her by the wrist.

“What did you do?!” they demanded. “You were healed, your injuries things of memory!”

The cold mask of the empress turned to face the delegate.

“They were.” She admitted. “So I inflicted these wounds on myself.”

The delegate let go of her and took a step back in horror.

“How do you think my people will react when they hear you have not only tortured their beloved empress, but have brutalized her in unimaginable ways and yet still remains unbroken?”

She took the stone mask off and revealed a bloody smile; the very act of smiling opening wounds and causing small streams of blood to run between her teeth.

“Did you think I would sweep my treatment under the carpet and act as if nothing happened? Did you think your surgeries and cloned eye would earn you my sympathy?”

The delegate looked into the hollow eyes of the empress as she shook her head. “Your Lord Commander signed your death warrants the moment he struck me, and I have just provided the final nail in your coffin.”

[injuries-in-dust]

Alien comes racing into the room, "Human-Janet! I heard you have terrible radiation burns!"

Janet looks up from her bed, "Shixx, it's called a sunburn. It's not fatal. Now, can you pass me the aloe vera?"

[loonarmuunar]

Humans being the first. Not the strongest or the smartest or the weirdest or the most violent. Just the first.

We called out into the dark over and over. We sent out messages in hopes. We searched every planet we could reach, in hopes of any sign of life. Any at all.

We thought, hoped we were the last, because we couldn’t bear the idea of being the one ones this awake and alive in a world as vast as this.

And we died alone.

When the others are born, many many years later, they find us, everything we left for them.

They recover The Golden Record and look at it a million times over, they dig up our fossils and put us in museums, they study us for years and years, loving us as we love our ancestors’ painted hands on cave walls.

In a lot of their languages, the word they use for us has the same root for “mother”.

[skritzzy]

I feel like any aliens that were prey at some point in evolution would have an odd fear of humans. Mostly cause they look like predators, act a bit like predators, and ARE predators. One perfect example is when we're focused on something like a mosquito that's been bugging us for a long time and we are just done.

Alien: "What. What..?"

Human: *HUNTING down a mosquito it saw*

Alien: ".... yeah I am really uncomfortable...."

Human: *quiet footsteps, pupils dialated, intense focus,*

Alien: *WAR FLASHBACKS*

Human: "Found you." *absolutely desimates the mosquito, squashing it into a million pieces as it's guts and various body parts liquidize into blood of the bloodthirsty, now stained on the palm of the human. A living being now reduced to a useless corpse as the human wipes the remains on their pants*

Alien: "I feel like I've just gained trauma."

[archrries]

Humans cracking their knuckles as an intimidation tactic against aliens

Can you imagine being an alien and this thing just broke its bones at you?????

I'd be scared tbh

Why did it make that noise

That's a bone breaking noise

It's like those ppl who bite off their acrylics before a fight

[sugarcoatednightshade]

Humans are Space Orcs story where humans are known for our storytelling and acting abilities. While these talents are somewhat respected, there’s a major stigma against humans because we’re also the best liars.

“Humans don’t actually feel anything at all, they just mimic emotions to trick others into believing them”

“Never trust a human. They lie like the rest of us breath”

“Humans spend so much of their lives acting, it’s impossible to tell when they’re being truthful”

“In human culture, great respect is awarded to ‘actors’ who are able to mimic other persons and emotions with startling accuracy”

“Some ‘actors’ are able to ‘perform’ hundreds of unique characters”

“Acting is so ubiquitous in the human culture that many consider it polite to lie”

“Sarcasm is a common, casual game played between humans, where one human says something untrue and the other human must guess what truth they are thinking. Humans unable to perform this ritual are often ostracized by their peers”

“If you see a human crying, do not immediately assume they are hurt. Humans have been known to use their ‘acting’ abilities to trick unsuspecting travelers into giving up an unreasonable number of belongings”

“All interstellar travelers are required to read up on popular ‘scams’ or ‘cons’ performed by humans in the region they are traveling to”

[drewthelocalnerd]

Haven’t really seen it yet so here we go, *Humans* have THREAT DISPLAYS! Sure, we seems small in comparison to other creatures both on or off our planet, but when we’re actively trying to make friends with everything we see that’s a good thing. But what if we don’t wanna seem small and friendly, say the vibes are real bad and getting worse, so instincts kick in and we gotta be *dangerous*

Take bears for example, those famous Terran predators. Big furry tanks capable of tearing into cars. We’re supposed to make ourselves look BIGGER to scare them off! Insane, but it works!

Other humans! We’re not *all* super nice, so what do we do when another deathworlder seems sketchy? Crack our knuckles, our necks, even flash our teeth a little for some flare, the literal post up or get done up pose where you invade their space and just in general look threatening. Our second natural language being body language, saying “back off or I’ll mess you up”, of course we have threat displays, and I’ll be the first to say I don’t always consciously know I’m doing them.

So when we finally have outer space friends, they’re gonna lose their shit seeing stuff like this.

[kurara-black-blog]

I just love the "they're more scared of you than you are of them" thing because, yeah, Earth is a Deathworld filled with very dangerous beings, but also everyone in it is scared and would rather not interact with each other unless necessary

Alien: This is a very dangerous animal!

Human: Don't worry, we'll just walk away.

Alien: But it's watching us!

Human: It's hoping we leave already, so we're leaving.

Alien: It... It is?

Human: Yeah, it is more scared of us than we are of it. Let's go before the fight instinct kicks in because then it'll become a dangerous animal

Alien:...

[candz13z]

Another humans and aliens post because im hooked on it still.

Humans are friendly. Really friendly. Theyll make friends with anything that can move. They pack bond like crazy and they seem to understand their emotions better than any other species and tend to be the therapist of the ship.

So, why is it that, on the ships, with more than a couple humans on it, are the ones that have the most fights.

Humans are so friendly, you could probably do just about anything to them and they wouldnt even so much as blink. But one human woke up another human too early one day and they both ended up in the medbay. The worst part is- they were back to being friends again not even a full day cycle later.

There had been another fight between a couple of other humans too, but this fight wasnt physical. It was a screaming match, or atleast thats what the humans called it. This fight wasnt even physical but the humans involved in this one had cried in this one. They did not go back to being friends afterwards. It made no sense- but what made even less sense happened a week later.

A team of humans showed up for a 'debate'. To the aliens understanding- it was a series of arguements over a couple of prepared questions. Every alien on the ship expected there to be more tears and more sadness- but instead the humans cheered on the debate and the people screaming at eachother laughed about it afterwards.

Any alien with enough sentience on the ship that day remembered the fact that despite being as friendly as they were, humans are still very, very unexplored territory.

[niqhtlord01]

Humans are weird: The Last Guardian

( Please come see me on my new patreon and support me for early access to stories and personal story requests :D https://www.patreon.com/NiqhtLord Every bit helps)

There was once a legend of a dead world called “Terra” that held a vault so ancient that even time could no longer fade its surface. It was said this vault contained the last vestiges of a species that once strode across the stars like gods and shaped the very fabric of reality to their liking on a whim.

The Vault was said to contain not only the collective knowledge of this species but several of their most advanced machines they had ever created. Jump drives that span entire quadrants instead of systems, portable dimensional storage spaces, templates for artificial life forms both mechanical and organic, and so much more beyond the vast depths of a universe’s imagination.

For years treasure seekers hunted this legendary world. Called to it from across the stars every manner of species came in search of the lost world with no luck until finally a lone survey team stumbled upon it while searching for fresh mineral deposits.

Terra was just as described in the stories; an entire planet covered in cities and empty buildings reaching forever into the sky for the heavens they will never touch. Only a single power source was detected on the planet and the mineral team made straight for it.

Set in the center of a decaying city the mineral ship set down and began prospecting while several of their number went to investigate the energy readings. They had not traveled far when a strange figure appeared before them. It was a bipedal robotic figure caped in a cloak to protect itself from the harsh wind and eyes as bright as the sun that shun between the clouds.

It spoke in a tongue that none of the crew understood or their translator units and allowed none to pass. When the crew ignited their mining equipment to begin harvesting some of the rare metals still found in the decaying buildings the robot’s eyes turned red and disappeared in a blink of an eye.

Not much is known after that as the teams recorders terminated one after another until finally the entire contingent was killed. This was only known as the ship’s emergency systems activated and the autopilot took the ship back to headquarters to report the loss of crew.

When news broke of the events that had transpired additional crews were dispatched to investigate, yet all shared the same fate as one by one their empty ships returned home to report entire crew deaths. From then on security details and treasure hunters flocked to the mysterious death world in search of the promised fortune.

They lasted only slightly longer than the mineral teams.

Even with their advanced weaponry, the lone figure would appear before them and dispatch them as if they were nothing more than children. Plasma fire bounced off its polished exterior, quantum rockets were caught midair in its grasp and flung away like playing balls, an even the strength of a Omega class war droid was nothing as it ripped its arms off and impaled the droid on them.

Attempt after attempt was made until finally the body count had reached such an extent that the galactic powers took notice and dispatch their mightiest warships to the planet to investigate from orbit. They had no sooner arrived in high anchor when a beam of dark energy shot up from the planet’s surface and simply erased them from existence. From then on a quarantine procedure was placed around the entire solar system on pain of death for crossing it until the galactic powers could determine what to do next.

This lasted a year before one of the powers suggested opening diplomatic talks with the entity on the world. In truth none had considered it given its innate hostility to intruders, but they soon realized that in the previous attempts no one had actually attempted to communicate with the robotic being.

A small delegation was dispatched, comprised of the finest diplomats and linguists, and made landfall at the same place as the original mining team that had discovered the world.

In short order the lone robotic figure appeared before them mysteriously and spoke again its strange words.

As before no one could understand them, but since the original first contact other locations had been discovered in the universe that bore many similar markings as the Terra planet. It was theorized that these had once been colonies or other worlds controlled by the same power many millennia ago and through careful study a working translation had been achieved.

When activated the figure’s words finally became clear.

“Tread with care, for you stand on the greatness of my creators.”

“They….create….you?” the translator replied. It was not a complete translation but it could pass for the minimum understanding.

“Yes.” It replied. “I am the guardian of this world and the legacy it contains.”

“Why…attack?”

The robot cocked its head to the side in an unnaturally life like pose of confusion.

The robot stood to the side and held up a hand towards the entrance of the vault. As the dust winds finally dissipated the gathered delegation could finally make out the surroundings and wept in fear. Before the doors of the vault now stood row upon row of corpses, shoved on to stakes or mounted to walls in numerous horrific fashion each more grotesque than the last.

“The fate of thieves and pilferers is not one of kindness.”

It clasped its hands behind its back once more and addressed the gathering.

“Shall you share theirs?”  

[injuries-in-dust]

I don't know why, but I like the idea of humans being to aliens, what cats are to humans...

Alien1: hey, when did you hire a human?

Alien 2: we didn't. They just wandered aboard one day, saying they wanted to "hitch a ride." Then they never left. I think they like it here.

Alien 1: the human distribution system has chosen.

***

Alien stares at the human, who has climbed up a very high shelving unit.

Alien: Human, get down before you hurt yourself.

The humans response is to climb higher.

***

Alien is secretly filming their human, who is spaced out and just staring at nothing.

Alien (whispering): I think the human is about to intercept the brain cell. (Laughter) don't worry human, if it tingles that means it's working.

[brainrotwriter]

I don't know if anyone said this before, but, I think the one thing that would put the fear of an alien god into an alien would be just how territorial humans are.

Humans generally have small territories tightly packed against others, sometimes even on top of each other. They are social creatures, after all, and seem to enjoy inviting each other to their territories that might even contain other species!

So, you would think they would welcome other visitors, right?

Wrong. Humans are wildly territorial to the point even something as harmless as a fruit fly is murdered on sight. Then, surely they must allow other predators that repel such creatures, right? Wrong again, even 'useful' ones likes spiders are shown no mercy.

Alien: I apologize but I'm struggling to grasp this concept. You said you killed that arachnid as there was a possibility it could come in contact with your sleeping quarters. Doesn't your feline companion frequent there? I'm sure it couldn't do more damage than an apex predator?

Human: Uhh, okay let me rephrase that; it isn't about coming in contact with my stuff. It's about me allowing it. Mr. Pickle Jar is allowed to be here and touch my things, that spider isn't. So, it needs to die.

Alien, writing DO NOT TOUCH ANYTHING UNLESS SAID OTHERWISE in big bold letters in the notepad: Ah, I see. Thanks for sharing.

[gehenna-checklist]

I like to imagine a scenario where humanity just never developed energy guns and has stuck to kinetic weaponry forever and at some point some alien species thinks about messing with the wrong apex predator species.

Alien 1: "Captain, I assure you, our ships can't be breached by anything weaker than a concentrated proton beam. They barely have lasers. We'll be fine."

Alien 2: "Sub relativistic projectile incom-" gets hit by a railgun shell at mach fuck

[tawneybee]

Honestly obsessed with the "Humans are the cats of space" corner of the whole trope.

We may be seen as objectively adorable. We're tiny predators, vicious and mighty with teeth and nails, but also easy to pick up and hold and swing around while saying "Babyyyy"

We're quiet and sneaky in the wild, hard to catch and contain, very effective hunters and climbers. But when domesticated who wouldn't just lounge around if we're given free food, unlimited sleep, and constant enrichment?

And same with cats, there's a variety of how humans act and feel about these huge creatures taking care of us. Some of us might be very chatty, very affectionate, some probably clingy if we trust our Alien enough. While others don't screw with their personal space, would scratch and bite if you do something they don't like. The affection is at their pace cause otherwise you'll come out with a few scars.

As small as we are, the more wild independent humans have the strength and means to take down predators so much bigger than us when the situation becomes dire enough. There's been cats who've gotten dogs, wolves, and bears singlehandedly.

A human that's been in an alien family long enough would probably chase off a huge threatening space creature to protect the alien young, just as cats have done for human children.

Imagine after a few years of integration with aliens, some humans don't get by well with taking care of their children so they find an alien that looks responsible and careful enough and they leave their young on their doorstep so they can grow up with all the food and shelter they could ever need.

Maybe they have a human distribution system where a person who's just tired of the human world picks a ship to stay on, and the aliens on board just accept it because that's how humans are. Maybe they help provide pest control for those space creatures small enough to hide in hard-to-reach areas of the ship.

And even amongst all this agility and predatory instinct, humans can still be pretty dumb and airhead and ridiculous. Imagine how hilarious aliens would find it when we get jumpscared or sneeze or feel the random need to stim and run around. Alien puts a long sticky parchment on that crevice of our backs that's hard to reach and watches as we struggle to reach and take it off cause it's annoying, same way we might put tape on a cat's head. Maybe they find the funky way a human mom tries to carry her too-big baby funny the same way a mom cat dragging her too-big baby by the scruff is funny.

Maybe there's a language barrier, but Aliens notice our odd human sounds and mimic them to get our attention, but they struggle with the different sound and pronunciation we just hear random gargled calls of "Molasses!" "Tree!" "税金!" when they're just trying to greet us. And you learn to recognize the pattern of noises that mean whatever name they gave you in their language.

Humans really are just big cats.

[shroomiethefrogwhisperer]

Humans Are Crazy

Aliens have such different gender and biology from humans that none of them menstruate. So imagine this.

Alien: Human Steve, why did I find blood on the lavatory floor?

Steve: Oh, that's just Karen.

Alien: What??

Steve: Human females bleed from their reproductive organs once every month for five to seven days.

Alien: wHAT?!

Steve, calmly: Yeah, they can lose enough blood in a lifetime to kill ten grown men.

Alien: WHaT ?!?!

Karen, walking in: Steve, I need A FUCKING break. And chocolate. And a heating pad. I'll be in my sleeping quarters. Also, I threw up.

Steve: Okay, take the day off, I'll bring you your stuff in a bit.

Alien: *jots down in notebook* Human females are indestructible and fearsome. Regard them with respect.

EDIT: I swear, if this is the thing that makes me Tumblr famous, I’m gonna blow a braincell. And I don’t have many of those left, so…

Edit 2: Guys. Guys. What?! My grumpy menstrual rant is in no way worthy of being tumblr famous. *is mildly to severely confused/thankful/bumfuddled*

Edit 3: Why is this still getting notes wtf

Edit 4: STOP REBLOGING THISSSSSS

edit 5: if you like this, go look at these:

This is now a masterlist.

[nerdybluephoenix]

Alien: Why do you do that? What does it mean?

Human: Do what?

Alien: The verbal sound. "Um" and "Uh"

Human: Oh! Well, sometimes when I'm trying speak, I need to a moment to process. It's a pause while I think.

Alien: Why don't you just say nothing when you pause?

Human: Oh! Um...