#which way will i lose LESS?

[farfartothewestofeverywhere]

I'm so overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed with the truth that i can't have any chance at healing while i live with my abuser

I'm overwhelmed thinking about if things went poorly in this country would having the government have me on a list of disabled people be something dangerous?

I'm overwhelmed thinking of the hundreds of dollars in care i spend and make, if I'm lucky, a fraction of that back in a week.

I'm overwhelmed that i felt so much better being away with good people for a weekend and then the minute i encountered a person at home my entire peace was shattered.

I'm overwhelmed that in adding back in more appointments to help with my pain my weekly workload is actually increasing my pain

I'm overwhelmed with so much that i can't even put it into words. and im dreading being around anyone. and i've been periodically at the verge of tears since getting home last night.

I'm so overwhelmed. and in so much pain mentally and physically i don't even know how to process it. i just want to cry.

genuinely – this weekend– my pain didn't go away. nothing of the sort. but it wasn't overwhelming. i was with friends. i was playing with a baby. a source of PURE joy. it was so good. so healing. so wonderful. and then i come home and everything is unimaginably worse than before i left.

you're at this level of feeling maxed out CONSTANTLY. i always feel at my limit, that i couldn't take any more. and then...there's more.

I'm overwhelmed seeing a picture of myself makes me want to starve myself again. any joy i felt now destroyed. any progress or positive feelings about myself absolutely destroyed. although even seeing a mirror at the wrong angle can do that. i think – hm maybe it's not so bad maybe I'm doing better! then i see myself and I'm worse than i realized.

i wonder how many other people with eating disorders end up having chronic illness that make exercise extremely difficult. even if i eat well i have no chance at staying in shape. and. that's if i completely restrict myself from enjoying "less healthy" foods. god help me because i want to eat anything other than what i absolutely need for survival. but then you feel guilt. and all i want to do is starve. or die. or both.

every time my mother buys a "treat" I'm convinced it's a form of sick control, that if i eat it I'll stay fat, never lose weight, and thus never have any freedom.

i have self-imposed restrictions that i don't do a large majority of the things i would "normally" do if i was skinny. the amount of effort and grief it takes for me to do the few activities and see the select numbers of friends i do see is completely overwhelming. but i know how much more pain it would be if i tried to live "freely." i already feel it when i see photos after good days. there are no good days for me. i try. but every good is overtaken by the bad. whether it's shame and self-hatred, or my body being overtired or pain flaring. i can't win. i'm constantly having to decide which type of pain can i handle? is the pain of staying at home more or less than the pain of going out? and i'm never really sure. and i know for a fact i'm currently overcommitted. it's too much.

but what do i do? stop my 1-2 day a week job? stop my acupuncture? stop my massages? (i JUST started them again, but the guilt of the cost might be too much for me to handle). stop my mandolin lessons? (that's the bright spot of my week. but the time to practice between lessons is extremely difficult.) stop seeing my friends? stop going for walks? shower less? do fewer chores? (our house has been turning into a pig sty without me cleaning).

and sure someone else usually does the dishes – which is a huge relief especially since it not only causes pain later, it causes excruciating pain while I'm doing it. and dad takes care of the lawn. but i mention to him that the way the garage door has been malfunctioning is frustrating and can we please fix it and he goes full asshole. how dare i ask him to fix another thing?? idk! we're using the garage door every day now since we can't park on the street overnight in the winter. it doesn't work well. but JUST because it still opens and closes he straight out refused to fix it. then said "why don't you fix it!" figuring out mechanical things is his specialty. but maybe he's scared of trying to fix it and making it worse. then needing to hire someone or buy a new unit. i can't wait for the day i need to get somewhere and the garage door won't open. i don't think i'm strong enough to open it manually also i don't actually know how.

idk. i'm so overwhelmed and everything seems insurmountable. i have no idea what to do. how to heal. how to find any peace.

and this doesn't even add the anguish of things happening in the world. that in and of it itself is overwhelming. i have no less than six separate "things" or "categories" of things that alone are overwhelming. yet I'm experiencing them all. how do i get any relief? especially when relief adds to my distress.

[somegrumpynerd]

Horror's nightmare

Horror doesn't think much on his past anymore, but his nightmares often resurface the guilt he's buried about the idea that he could have prevented it all somehow, even if it came at the cost of his own life.

Thankfully, Nightmare is here to make him a hot drink to calm his nerves and promise him a visit to his brother when the sun is up, because Papyrus will always be very glad to see his brother alive and visiting (and as sleepy as ever).

[houseswife]

house: this has absolutely nothing to do with wilson

also house: [brings up wilson unprompted] [spends 95% of the session either talking about wilson or deliberately avoiding talking about wilson] [literally admits it’s about wilson]

[manhattan-gamestop]

please I'm losing my fucking mind

[dykedvonte]

Jimmy killing himself because he knows he is incapable of living an life without Curly and knows that in the miracle chance they were found and saved they would not let him have contact with Curly and he hates the idea he'd actually have to take responsibility.

Even if he lied, its only a matter of time before Curly is capable of showing or telling what a monster he really is, no matter what delusions tell Jimmy Curly would never do that to him.

He understands that he was the monster in everyone's worse moments but refused to accept that at the end. So he made sure that he died without the possibility of it being actualized as he's the only one that saw death as an escape rather than a release. Jimmy truly didn't believe Curly had anything to escape from even after everything and let him have what he perceived as glory as the sole survivor and thus Captain of the Tulpar.

[hopeswriting]

was thinking about takeshi and how he's my favorite brand of unconditional devotion btw. the utter and absolute and all-consuming kind that runs so deep to the very core and is so intrinsic and fundamental to it, it can only express itself in the most casual and natural and certain way. without second thoughts, without any room for doubts or for any moral dilemma to be had over it, because of course he ought to always be breathing and living for his chosen person first and foremost. of course he ought to hang on their every word and make them true no matter what, no matter what he has to do to make it happen, no matter what he has to do to other people to make it happen, and no matter what it might turn him into in the process. because it's obviously the way the world should be for his chosen person. at their feet, ready to bend over backwards and break and build itself again to better answer to all their needs even if they don't ask it for it. it's the only right way it should be for them, and of course takeshi's going to do his utmost at all times to make it a reality as much as possible.

and his devotion comes out as naturally as breathing, comes out lighthearted and nonchalant like he might as well be talking about the weather, but it's not unaware of itself. it's not that takeshi doesn't know it's unhealthy and wrong and that he's willing to go entirely too far in its name for anyone's good. it's not that he wouldn't hear you out if you were to sit him down and explain to him just why he needs to tone it down a little (a lot). logically, he'd agree with you and know you're right. and then he'd tell you he's still not going to do anything whatsoever about it. that he's not bothered by it and doesn't feel the need to change anything to his attitude. makes it a point to never let anyone or anything sway him even an inch in the stand he took when it comes to that, no matter how many thousand of times you might go over the subject with him.

because the morality of his devotion isn't the point at all. is entirely irrelevant to it and doesn't affect the way he expresses it all. it's not the metric with which he draws a line in the sand to hold it accountable to. because the thing is, takeshi's entire world revolves around tsuna--tsuna is his entire world altogether, and it's just a matter of fact, that simple. to him it's a truth as unchanging as the sky being blue, and so being the way he is according to that truth is the only way he can imagine being that'd feel right to him. and so the actual and only metric that matters here is "would tsuna be happier if i were to do this?" and/or "is this something tsuna needs me to do?"

and like. i don't think takeshi ever stops being a kind person capable of compassion and understanding and mercy and forgiveness even ten years later once they became mafia through and through. and i don't think either he grows up to be feared and called a monster per se despite the things they inevitably had to do during those ten years (and the things they'll inevitably keep having to do as long as they keep being mafia), at least not in the way, for example, they'll never stop fearing and calling mukuro one. but i do think that among the tenth gen, he ends up being the one with the most ruthless, merciless and horrific blood on his hands of that particular and distinct loving kind. you know the one i mean, right? he comes to be the one most expected and the one first expected to be willing and to take it upon himself to go through with it when the need arises. and to think little of it after, if anything at all. all in the name of making tsuna's reign as easy on him as possible.

and it's to the point where it's the kind of blood that makes even mukuro pause at times. or, when takeshi is the one coming up with solutions himself during meetings, makes even reborn blink. not because it's unjustified or wouldn't be safe or efficient or anything of the sort, but because it is unwarrantedly thorough in its retaliation. and sometimes, at times like this, he's the one tsuna needs to step in for the most, because he's the only one who can reason with him that "yes, this would work in getting rid of our problem" but "no, please, don't do that takeshi". because if tsuna is the only thing that infers on just how much and in what ways he'll let himself be devoted to him, then of course, he's also the only one takeshi's willing to reign himself in for without second thoughts. because he'd hate to ever do something tsuna would disapprove of or wouldn't want him to do. or do something that'd make tsuna see him differently or love him back less even in the slightest.

and it's also like. his devotion isn't an undisciplined one. it's not one he doesn't have control over, the very opposite. it's a very purposeful and conscious choice he chooses to keep making over and over again every step of the way, and he taught himself to have control over it, to know when it's needed and/or wanted, and how much and in which ways it is when it happens, and to keep it down otherwise. and, yes, to also reign it back in at tsuna's request at times when it still slips past his control. because it's all about making tsuna's happiness easier and secure and long-lasting, and never about burdening him with just how committed he is to do that.

so it comes down to this: takeshi willing to go above and beyond and more for tsuna unless tsuna explicitly asks him not to. and to tsuna needing to ask him not to every now and then. and to other people pointing out to him how too many times tsuna's already needed to stop him, and that maybe there's a hint for him to take there. and to takeshi seeing the hint, looking it straight in the eye and recognizing it for what it is and just. deciding it doesn't apply to him because it's all perfectly normal behavior to him. because it's the only kind of behavior that makes sense to him and feels right.

and so—to circle back to my first point—he can only express his devotion as naturally as breathing, so casually, almost like it's something inconsequential and not worth talking about despite how unmistakably it couldn't be further away from being the truth. it's the only way he could have always known how to express it, because, after all, who has ever taken time to ponder about the details and the hows of the way they breathe?

and i, for one, absolutely eat that shit up every time, thanks for coming to my ted talk <3

[piko-power]

My Personal Headcanon On Why Amy's Love For Sonic Died Down Lately (and their dynamic)

When they were younger, Amy's love for Sonic was pretty extreme, and Sonic was, understandable, uncomfortable for the most part. He knows she means well, but that girl needs to calm down.

She can fight, but sometimes her hammer could only stun her enemies for a while. (It took her a long time to get rid of that robot that has been chasing her around Station Square.) She wasn't fully independent yet, even if she fought on her own a couple of times.

She often follows Sonic and his friends around. She is part of the team, but she was not a strong as she is now at the time yet.

She admires Sonic. A LOT. And Sonic knows that. Obviously, he could only run away from something like that, since he is NOT ready for that kind of thing, and whether Amy takes the hint or stop, she still loves him.

...BUT, I think things were slightly starting to change between her and Sonic after Lost World.

Remember this line?

You remember that? Okay, okay. Here's another totally unrelated question:

Before the events of Lost World, when was the last time Amy said "I love you" to Sonic out loud?

...YEP. 😈 (Unless I'm missing something, let me know lmao)

As more games and adventures come out, the characters get slightly older, and Amy is 12 to 13 now, and she is most certainly at that age where her body starts to change, but especially on how she views Sonic.

She knows she loves Sonic, but it was this moment during her change where she actually wanted to admit that she loves him.

I believe that Amy was all about sharing her affection to him not through confessions, but through obvious hints. Sonic totally got it, and there was no need to confess. Sonic knows she loves her.

...But she never said it. And she almost did, but she never did again for a while.

I think this was the moment in her life where, oh, God, she actually loves Sonic. SHE LOVES HIM, WHAT.

And she was looking back at all the times she had with Sonic that she can now see were unpleasant to Sonic (At least that's what she thinks) and that's probably why she isn't so expressive about her love to him than how she used to back then.

She wasn't sure what to do with this realization, and sets aside it for a while, and nearly stayed as her casual, peppy self... until the Eggman War happened.

During the 6 months of being with the Resistance, fighting Eggman's army all day and all night, all she can think of was Sonic.

She dreams that he still with not just her, but with her friends. She just wanted to see Sonic again, she just wants to be with her hero again.

But I'd like to think that she was also thinking about how she used to treat Sonic back when they were younger, how Sonic would almost always run away from her whenever she asks him out, or always look so uncomfortable whenever she gets so close to him.

Cringing at those memories big time, she wanted to change and hopefully when Sonic is okay and comes back, she can be better for him.

...Or will he still find her uncomfortable regardless? Would he even be happy to see her at all if he did survive?

But, hold on! She can't just give up her love for Sonic! He made her who she is today! A peppy, nature-loving, hammer-swinging, confident, brave... loud-mouth... annoying... Sonic obsessed... weak... pathetic... lonely little girl.

If she gives up on Sonic, it'll be like she gave up on the one hedgehog who saved her life. If she didn't she'll still be the same ol' Amy.

I also like to think she had parents a long while before she met Sonic, and was even expecting a little sister, but a robot invasion happened from where she was and attacked her parents and instead of trying to save them, after getting hurt, she ran away, hoping that they'll come back okay. But they never did.

She was all alone, and needed someone, a friend, a new family, someone who will hold her hand, anyone, to be there for her. But she was ignored by lots, and at that point, she's better off by herself, but still longed for company.

Eventually though, her tarot cards told her her future hero, and there might be hope after all. She encountered Sonic, held onto the belief of the cards tight, and the rest is history.

So, with that headcanon in mind, not only did Amy loose her parents that she didn't save because of her cowardliness (she was only so little at the time that happened) and also Sonic, who she thought will be her only hope, but now gone.

She doesn't even care if he did come back, he'd probably hate her now after everything she did to him, always talking about their "future wedding" or forcing him to go to Twinkle Park.

For the last few months of the war, it was nothing but Amy mentally beating herself up for either refusing to change or moving on, and they are both not fine choices.

She loves Sonic, but he does not love her, and she finally, finally realized it. And it's probably for the best if no body loved her at all.

But of course Sonic did survive and all of her worries wash away in an instant, she's just not expressive about her love for Sonic AT ALL now, since she's still worried about it but rather not mention it to Sonic because it doesn't matter.

If Sonic doesn't love her, then her feelings don't matter to him, and according to Amy herself, that is okay.

But also, I'd like to think that Sonic was thinking about his friends a lot up in the Death Egg for the past months, sometimes it's Tails (worried for his safety), sometimes it's Shadow (because he's wondering why he would join Eggman.) At some point, for a few days, Amy was in his mind the longest, and he felt bad about how he thought he was rude and pushy to her.

He wondered if she's not thinking about it too much, and if she is, will she give up on him? Yeah, he doesn't feel the same and still not looking for a relationship, but it's so strange but interesting how anyone could ever like someone like Sonic the Hedgehog. Amy was never afraid to show that, and she probably might be now.

He couldn't help but feel guilty. They were kids when she was like this, but he was so... arrogant at the time too. Not a lot happened at the time yet. He'd always have trouble expressing how much he value his friends, until he shattered the Paradox Prism. (I'd like to think Prime took place before Forces. It makes sense.)

She is such a sweet girl, and he probably made her believe that he didn't care for her. Just because he doesn't feel the same, that doesn't mean he hates her at all.

He wished he never ran away from Amy... Worrying for his little bro and wishing to be a good person for Amy was when Sonic cried in the Death Egg for the first and only time.

Frontiers, in my opinion, is kind of confirming their dynamic now. Sonic is a lot more sincere and kinder to Amy and she is not all hyperactive and lovey to Sonic. There is probably a real reason for this now.

They are both hiding their feelings from them, and they are both unaware of this. Amy, hiding her mental issues from Sonic, and Sonic, hiding his guilt away from Amy.

None of those things are important now. Sonic is with Amy and Amy is with Sonic. They are here with each other. They can be finally be better for each other now.

They don't care if they'll ever be something more when they get older. None of that matters anymore. They are here with each other. They can be finally be better for each other now.

Maybe someday they'll both talk about it, but for now, the present is important. They care about each other too much to think about it right now.

It's the kind of love that is unbreakable. It doesn't even have to be romantic. It's just love. Love is important for everyone, in any form. It's something Sonic and his friends need. And especially Sonic and Amy.

Amy Rose is the living embodiment of love, and without her, a lot would go downhill for Sonic and co. Heck, if it weren't for her, Shadow wouldn't have never remembered Maria's promise, which lead him to save the world with Sonic, before he temporarily disappeared from their lives for a while.

She is always there to lend a helping hand for anybody, even bad guys like Metal Sonic, and despite what she had been through, both in Forces and headcanon wise, she still fights back, even without her hammer.

She will pick you back up on your feet, reminding you that you are important and that you are loved, and that you should never give up. It's pretty much the words of encouragement she herself needed also...

She is still the happy, hyper, butt-kicking hedgehog we all know and love, but she still need someone to pick her back up on her feet after so long. Thankfully, she has her friends and her blue hero. The hero who made her who she is today.

I think Amy has no idea how important she thought she is, but Sonic does. Sonic knows fully well how important she is to a lot of people. It's about time he returns the favor to her. It's his turn to remind her how much a lot of people love her.

How much he loves her.

And I feel like The Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog was the moment where their dynamic really shined, but also the starting point of their relationship not only healing, but also the next chapter of what's to come for them.

Everyone, friends old and new, gathered around for a special birthday. A birthday for the confident, unshakable, and radiant Amy Rose.

It was such a special moment in Amy's life. After years of chasing and following the people she look up to, she is part of the team, but most importantly, she is part of the family.

She is fully realized as someone more than just a fangirl, but someone strong, courageous, creative, kind and a big inspiration for others.

I feel like this moment here...

-is where Amy is eternally grateful to call her friends her family. A family she thought she'll never have again. She's not alone anymore, and as long as they're by her side, she'll never will be again.

Her chasing days are over. She's finally caught up to them. She's finally home.

And it's all thanks to Sonic.

If it weren't for him, she'd probably be alone forever. Her past moments with Sonic might be embarrassing to look back on for a while, but they are good memories regardless, because they involve him.

Sonic saved her life in more ways than one, and despite everything, he's grateful to have her too.

He cares about her. He really does... And in her eyes, that all she needed to know. As long as Sonic loves her in his own way, she'll be happy.

Amy hasn't given up on Sonic. As long as Amy always supports him, he'll be happy.

Maybe sometime in the future, they can talk about their problems, but that's a story for another time. At this point, they need to. Right now, they are happy. They are okay.

They are here for each other. They are finally better for each other now.

"You guys won't ever leave me, right?"

"Wouldn't dream of it."

[whos-hotter-jjba]

Hottest Stand Battle - Second Round Match 8

Stand abilities under the cut:

Soft & Wet: Soft & Wet generates star-embedded floating bubbles. The signature ability of Soft & Wet's bubbles is to temporarily steal and contain physical properties, objects and substances. If a bubble pops on contact with an object, it will take away a certain property from the object for a short amount of time. If it doesn't, it will store the property inside, allowing Soft & Wet to pop the bubble later and transfer that property to another object. 

Moody Blues: It possesses the ability to imitate the form of individuals and reenact past events with precision.

[nostalgia-tblr]

who can solve my plot/character problem in the sylki con artists au so that i can continue writing it

[bitchthefuck1]

you know what, I actually will talk about this because it's bothering me. The issue with focussing so heavily on syd and carmy's potential for a romantic relationship isn't that there's something inherently unintellectual about romance or whatever, it's that a lot of people seem incapable of doing that without immediately flattening the story and ignoring or intentionally misreading any and all nuance for the sake of that romance. Every scene suddenly becomes about how it impacts their relationship, every analysis is done through a romantic lens, every frame or line of dialogue becomes about finding some easter egg or hint that "proves" these people should start dating. Their dynamic is absolutely a fundamental part of this show, but if you can only see it as a will-they-won't-they, you miss so much of what the story is actually trying to say with these two.

There are good versions of this story where their relationship is romantic and there are good versions of this story where it isn't, but as soon as you decide them being together is "the point," you lose the ability to actually judge the story for what it is, not what you want it to be.

[quietwingsinthesky]

“least favorite” isn’t anywhere close to bad. it just shows how damn hard the competition is going, but we’re talking about gold medals all around for each actor i’ve seen portray the doctor so far.

[thevioletcaptain]

if you as a fic reader ever become possessed by the urge to do a popularity bracket with the fics other people wrote and shared for fun and for free, consider:

don't ❤️ 

[churchandstateofbeing]

sometimes love is watching someone lose all of the money your boss gave you for chefs tools at a casino and then immediately volunteering to lose a bunch of your own items in exactly the same way just because he’s convinced you that it’s a good idea

[dnangelic]

like it's just the way that outside of the BATB/POTO 'love what's ugly and ostracized' narrative itself cocteau was gay and everybody hated his gall about it, howard ashman was gay and had to conceal it and died of aids after finishing his work for disney's batb.... rather than have dark be homophobic and spitting in the face of his inspirational roots (the sole canon detail i can't stand) it's much much much more interesting for me to both read and write not someone who's meant to be a pervert (in humor) and an agape lover (in serious contextualization) only to turn and say 'no homo' to the crowd every single time but rather, instead of all that, someone who, simultaneously taking daisuke into account, is both extremely firm yet simultaneously insecure in the struggle to establish their identity not only in regards to themselves but also around others.

that applies to a lot, but i've been considering it especially in regards to dark's gender and daisuke's attractions. dark in my portrayal (while overall 500% nonbinary) is closer to someone bi-gender rather than agender; the feminine aspect to him isn't just theatrics, it's actively also part of his entirety to him, (compared to daisuke's passivity; the ten thousand canonical princess allusions,) and even if nobody ever recognizes it in a cognizant way, it is always, always there, the same way that erik blurs and obscures gender in leroux's novel (my second enormous inspiration, sugisaki's outright admitted primary) and sakurai occasionally discusses his relationship as both a performer and a person as well (my third enormous inspiration and sugisaki's secondary,) (see 1, 2.) simply put, the tragedy of (my!) dark does not ever derive from his being able to choose and sit comfortably and confidently with this sort of identity (in fact, it's one of the few things he can stubbornly, viciously decide for himself [alongside daisuke] as essentially a non-human, autonomous 'angel',) it's instead the way that his personality is so strong and 'anti-feminine' in the eyes of convention that said aspect of himself often gets disregarded for strictly masculine (and regardless, further self-contradictory and therefore isolating,) expectations.

dark himself alone does not care if others do not understand him; this is meant to be one of his far more admirable and impressive traits. he's staunchly independent: he knows who he is, what he's supposed to be, and he knows that if he actively presented himself more femininely (crossdressing to 'pass' essentially,) then people's behaviors WOULD be very likely to change around him, but he doesn't even do that because it goes against his overwhelming sense of pride. he never contorts, he never twists himself, what matters to him is that he and he alone understands himself and knows what he is, what he isn't. but he is, without proper support or acceptance, still alone. even bearing a strong character, the stifling loneliness and inherent, underlying self-sense of broken/wrongness of the 'other,' (god's luciferean problem child, the black sheep, the black-leather wearing punk,) is still inflicted on him. dark exists solely for himself, he exists solely for daisuke, which is simultaneously wherein the inversion and insecurities lie: if dark is canonically the live metaphor for all the aspects of daisuke's self that he attempts to and yet cannot possibly, conceivably repress, from his loves to his faults to his shames and his criminal sins as a thief, then the likes of daisuke's own personal confusions in regards to himself and his attempts at intimacy/socialization with others is the other, hidden side of dark's absolute self-confidence; it's every fear of perpetual isolation, misunderstanding, and abandonment for things outside of daisuke's own control.

queerness in relation to the self (transgender allegory) queerness in relation to others (non-hetero-romanticism) mental illness (depression, anxiety,) etc, etc, dark's thematic basis may at its most general simply be "a secret that feels wrong and that you feel you can't really tell anyone or else you'll get in trouble/won't be as liked as much" but it feels much better to give due respect to each of these primary roots.

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

s4 episode 18 thoughts

although i tend to care less about episodes that center upon aliens, i found myself intrigued by this episode and constantly wondering what was going to happen next- which i would take to be the mark of a successful episode! when we can get some big plot gears moving AND insightful character analysis, i'm gonna be sat

there were a few moments in particular that made me lose my MIND. you will see what i mean.

but let's return to the me from a few hours ago, who did not know what was coming, and was writing live on the scene:

we’re BACK. after a pause of… however many days??? 4, maybe? too many. i will need the little recap they stick on the second half of the two parters this time. and just to be safe, i’ll go over my notes again, too.

okay, i’m refreshed. there was diving, there was pendrell, there was a guy named frish who i still don’t trust.

reading the episode description… mulder getting placed under arrest… fork spotted in kitchen. let us resume.

the recap reminds us that somebody stole a bunch of watches, mustache man was spray painting one of the bodies from the plane crash (?) and then he burst into the bar where frish and scully were hanging out. and you may recall, that Things Went Down.

but now we begin with the new events.

mulder in the lake…. damn, filming that had to be awful. he is being approached underwater!!! by two divers…. he seems to have narrowly escaped them

oh they are looking for HIM, it appears. at first, i thought they were alien divers coming for their lost comrade. not sure if the aliens understand solidarity like we do. each time one of 'em dies they seem to just... leave their body on earth.

here we see a sad man in a wetsuit (mulder) being caught by a jeep. despite racing a moving vehicle and therefore being destined to lose, he gives it his best go. only to be arrested!

how undignified, to be arrested in a dive suit…

(intro time)

hey- the intro was different again!! don’t think i didn’t notice…

(they must have a version that is a few seconds shorter that they bust out for the really jam-packed episodes, because by this point i am not surprised by it, but it still is jarring that the typical rhythm is broken up)

back to the bar with scully, pendrell, frish, and mustache man. 

it appears that pendrell was shot in the chest, which is not promising. scully tells him she will be right back as she makes a break for the mustache man.

but where did he GO?!?!? how did he get away!! he was dripping blood!!!

(is HE an alien???? we may never know)

the police roll up and scully flashes her badge to them as they arrive late and confused as per usual!! smh!!!

a guy from the EMT squad is telling people to let scully through the crowded bar, and i appreciate him for that. we need more people advocating for her. it is hard to be a genius and also small.

AWWWW pendrell no... oh sweet scully :( she’s trying to stop the bleeding and she keeps saying he’s going to be okay and “we still haven’t celebrated my birthday, pendrell, i’m not gonna let you off the hook like this” <- the way she was trying to comfort him and give him hope is going to make me cry

(i know he’s busy dying, but it also must be insane to watch the woman you have a crush on shoving towels into your gaping bullet hole wound while she is covered in your blood. might need to try that sometime if the chance ever comes)

and he smiles because he’s down bad. but at least he smiles.

she says he has a puncture in his right lung. which sounds very bad. but she tells the EMT he’s FBI and will NOT die. i wonder if she believes that, and that is her Firm Doctor Opinion, or if she is just saying that because she knows he can hear

BUT NO!! scully!!! her nose is bleeding :(((( she looks very scared...

(are her nosebleeds stress induced? is that even possible? i mean, all things considered, it's not the wildest plot point to take place on this show)

despite being scared, she goes back to frish, who is still waiting at the table, and gets down to business. if he didn’t tell his girlfriend he was in DC, that means there’s someone inside, she says. wiping the blood off of her face and saying that like she didn’t just have to shoot someone and save her coworker. damn. she is very good at pretending to be made of steel.

they’re taking pendrell away and skinner arrived. skinner!!!

she is still covered in blood and she is asking him why wasn’t there someone to escort frish!!! that order was cancelled because frish is being put under military arrest for suspicion of murder and false testimony in a federal investigation! ohhhh!

(tbh, i don’t know what the difference between regular and military arrest is except for that maybe military arrest means you were in the military. that’s my best guess. follow for more educated guesses ❤️)

anyway, scully is gagged by this!!! and rightfully so. now, i still don’t trust frish, but it does seem like someone is trying to censor him because he can attest to the government’s crimes. hmm….

and skinner says that this comes from high up in the government, who also put mulder under military arrest!!

(well, there goes my theory on what "military arrest" means!)

scully is very pissed as she explains that the military SHOT THAT PLANE DOWN. and skinner says they admitted as much!!!! omg why????

they’re having this sort of face off, until skinner notices the bloody tissue in her hand, and asks if she is alright

(STOP. STOP I’LL CRY??? god, whenever skinner interacts with them tenderly.... i will fall to my KNEES with emotion when they care about each other)

oh my GODDDDD. wait you have to hear about this next part.

(grabbing her hand and looking at the bloody tissue, then into her eyes) “i have a responsibility for the safety of the agents under my supervision, agent scully. i’m not going to put another agent’s life in jeopardy just to keep her out in the field” 

WAHHHHHHH... HE CARES ABOUT HER AND SHE IS TRYING TO KEEP WORKING AND NOT THINK ABOUT HER SICKNESS, BECAUSE TO THINK ABOUT IT WOULD MAKE IT REAL... BUT SHE NEEDS TO TAKE CARE OF HERSELF, AND HOW DO YOU MAKE SOMEONE TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES WHEN THEY FEEL HARDWIRED TO TAKE CARE OF OTHERS??? AND WHEN THEY HAVE WORKED SO HARD TO BUILD THIS FACADE OF BEING OKAY AT ALL TIMES?

the doctor needing the caring is always going to get me. a thankless task it is, to tend to the dead and dying, and how much more awful it must feel to her knowing the limitations of medicine

she has tears in her eyes and assures him she’s okay, but skinner has banished her to the hospital with pendrell. "thank you skinner", we all say in unison.

stop. stop. skinner :( he loves them both…. and she needs to rest :(

cutscene NOT TO HER IN THE HOSPITAL but to her at an air force reserve installation finding mulder 

GIRL HE CAN BE OKAY!!!! YOU NEED TO GO TO A DOCTOR PLEASE!!! 🙏 HE GOT HIMSELF INTO THIS MESS LET HIM GET HIMSELF OUT WHILE YOU GO TAKE A NAP

“mulder.” “hi, scully. you come to spring me from the joint?” <- he’s such a fucking loser (said with love)

is that all it takes to get someone out of military arrest? the bestie rolling up? damn. i thought it would be a lot harder than that.

so the military confessed to being responsible for the crash. that's surprising.

and oh my god, he’s getting undressed. just right then and there with her right in front of him. you see, at first i thought he was just unbuttoning his weird military arrest shirt, because maybe he was hot, but then scully turned around like they have done this a million times before (and they probably have) as he unzipped his pants. i’m taken aback by the intimacy of such an act. 

doing all of this while arguing, btw. deeply impressive.

they are so married. it's not even funny. not even just married. some weird soul tying thing is going on there.

the military is claiming that there were faulty coordinates given to the flight that had max on it. and they were the only two planes on the screen. 

and i appreciate them spelling this cover story out for us very clearly, because i was playing mental ping-pong trying to keep track of the amount of crash sites and planes last episode.

this cover story lays the blame on the man who was working with frish, who allegedly ended his own life- convenient to lay the blame on a dead man- and it also posits that frish lied to save himself, and came to the FBI to blame the military. 

hmm. it’s a cover story, alright. not even sure if it’s a good one, but it sure is a cover story.

the military is claiming the second plane that crashed into flight 459 was military, but then mulder reveals he has burns on his head that scully quickly realizes are from radiation!! he got them while he was underwater looking for the mystery craft!! this does NOT seem like a feature that the US military would want to have in their planes.

ooookay, so he says it was a UFO (well, we did see a little alien in there, may he rest in peace) that collided with flight 549- and when the military shot the UFO down, the passenger plane went with it.

see, this makes sense to me now. thank you for making it incredibly clear!!

plane man gets a name reveal!!! his name is mike millar. scully points out that he says there was no evidence of a collision, and while he could be lying, he seems to be the only one that really wants to know what actually went down. 

plane guy. i have called you this for a whole episode. and now, you have become plane guy mike. it would have been nice to know that last time, but we cannot change the past, a fact i struggle with daily.

and mike went to scully to tell her about finding sharon wandering about the crash site!! he didn't have to do that. so it adds more evidence to the "he seems to genuinely want to know what happened" camp

mulder asks, he found sharon, max’s sister? but PLOT TWIST: she’s NOT his sister??

maybe it’s a “blood siblings” sort of thing??? swearing loyalty? found family? because lying about being someone's sibling feels odd. there has to be some sort of story there.

well, whatever their dynamic may have been, here is what we know about sharon: she is an unemployed aeronautical engineer who has spent time in and out of mental institutions. WHERE SHE MET MAX!!!

omg….. the truth raises only more questions…

NO!!! scully tells mulder that pendrell is dead. oh my god. she did the best to make him smile right before he died…

scully, you are the best friend in all the world. i have said this many times before, but it still bears repeating.

mulder is shocked and grabs her shoulder, asking how pendrell died. she explains he was shot by mustache man, who was aiming for frish

“mulder, what are these people dying for? is it for the truth or for the lies?” <- i love her Need to be righteous and stand for the truth, even though she lives in a terrible and corrupt world, and how it drives her, how it vexes her to live in such a lawless place, but how her own moral compass keeps her oriented

he says it has to be the truth they’re dying for, and they owe it to those who died to find it out. damn. if that isn’t his whole life in a sentence.

they go to max’s trailer, where i recall mulder tenderly holding him through a seizure a few seasons back.

(i didn't even pick up on the fact that we had seen max before last episode. my b.)

scully hates his trailer LMAO “i remember being amazed at what some people will call a home” <- ohhh she wants a nice, comfy place to live... write that down, write that down

she presses a button and some music starts playing and then says “i think you were actually kindred spirits in some deep, strange way” “what do you mean?” “men with spartan lives, simple in their creature comforts, if only to allow for the complexity of their passions” <- OHHH you better analyze him!!! read him like a BOOK!!!

mulder wants to find whatever it is max wanted to tell him so badly, badly enough to get on the plane even though he knew it was dangerous. this seems like a reasonable thing to be searching for in such conditions.

they find a tape of max recounting his life story, how no one believes you when you’re an alien abductee, and how he wants to expose the people who have recovered the UFOs in the military and the FBI. and they’re using the alien tech in military operations!!! which is crazy.

we see the military taking pieces of the craft from the lake AND AN ALIEN BODY!! MANY ALIEN BODIES!!!!!!

and guys passed out and throwing up from all the radiation!!!

(musical flourish) IT’S GONNA BE CSM, RIGHT? 

NO!!!! it was mustache man!!!! maybe they went to high school together.

mustache man is just straight up watching this dude die but announces “we found it” as if that answers any and all questions

plane guy mike is working to identify the bodies from the crash of the flight, and announces they really cannot find any other evidence to figure out what happened. he asks his team to please wrap up tonight and then go home. 

plane guy seems nice… i know his ass is gonna die.

(author's note: rejoice!!! he might have made it!!!!!)

mulder and scully are here to talk to him!!!!!!! actually, plane guy mike called THEM!! he wanted to say thank you for the lead that it was the military’s fault. but he has no other ideas on what could have gone down.

WELL! mulder is going to tell him his story.

mulder thinks that max was followed by someone who wanted whatever he had on him. and what was the object? proof of the existence of aliens!!

(now what type of object could that be....?)

(plane guy mike glances back at scully) (she looks at him and raises her eyebrows as if to say “yeah, i know”)

then, mulder thinks that the flight was taken over by a craft that never appeared on any of the radars (because it was a UFO and clearly they don’t show up on radars)

((wait, they definitely have before in the past… well. i guess they didn’t this time. i'm sure there are plenty of different alien species with varying technological skillsets))

if all had gone to plan, the UFO would have taken Max right from the flight.... but the third plane shot the UFO down, and since the UFO had control of flight 459, it went down along with the UFO!

we then see max getting taken out by the aliens…… while time stands still and everyone on the flight watches. it is very creepy. 

he thinks that had the military plane not shot the UFO down, everyone on flight 459 would have had their memories wiped and no one would have known that max was ever abducted!

but the missile hit, and (plane crash scenes) (incredibly horrifying plane crash scenes) (people just keep falling and falling and someone is saying a prayer)

(quite upsetting to watch this, actually)

but back to the modern day. awaiting a plane guy mike reaction to such an outrageous tale.

plane guy says that even if it WAS true, they can’t prove it. damn. just can't get a read on this fellow.

scully says that while she had the same reaction, there is something that needs to be explained: the seats and the door showed traces of radioactivity!!!!!

woaaaaah… plane guy, you didn't find anything radioactive in the crash, did you?

surprise! he did find something from the wreckage that had some radioactivity… and he pulls it out… it’s max’s bag!!! it has his hat in it!!!! but seemingly nothing else beyond the hat.

plane guy says he has to write his final report, and that basically mulder is crazy, and goodnight.

ohhhh, said about the deaths of pendrell and max: “and if we don’t find out, what meaning do their deaths have, or their lives?”

sighs. the pressure these two put upon themselves to right every single wrong in the entire world. they mean well, but they cannot fix everything, and this will only disappoint them.

mulder proposes starting their renewed quest for answers with sharon, who is in a mental institution. he says he’d go with scully to find her, but he’s afraid they would lock him up, and she jokes “me too”. and i’m thinking, girlie needs to get to the hospital!!! now!!! mulder, YOU go!!!

(i think we were supposed to understand that scully DID, in fact, go to the hospital with pendrell, where she got checked out and learned of his death- we just didn't see it onscreen. however, as i was watching, i wasn't really processing what they were trying to say and was instead in "someone help scully" mode, which explains a lot of my thinking at almost all times)

but no, rather than going to the mental hospital to ask sharon some questions and letting scully rest, he instead goes back to max’s trailer, where he finds things all torn apart and scattered. someone must have broken in!!!! omg these bastards!!!

the trailer park manager asks what he’s doing here and mulder has to break the news that max is dead…. and the manager is deeply sad, but also (very practically) asks what he should do with his mail. 

WOAH!!! in the back of the video where max was talking about himself, you can see sharon!!! it looks like she was the one filming!!

mulder has max's mail…. and he is opening it. can you open a dead guy’s mail? maybe if you’re in the FBI?? it has this sort of badge thing with numbers on it.

(this was later revealed to be a luggage tag, or perhaps the writers and prop team expected people to immediately recognize its purpose. but i didn't. and you know i require honesty when recounting these things)

scully is here to visit sharon, who is sitting up on her bed in the night. a little spooky of her. and she immediately confesses to not being max’s sister. 

scully sees she is covered in blisters like max was!! so they were exposed to something… something sharon stole….

she stole something radioactive from her job!!! but what was it??? and how do you even DO that??

allegedly, it was alien tech. that was divided into three parts. but where is the third one???

that piece with the numbers on it was a luggage ticket!!! so mulder is taking it to find the bag, and presumably the radioactive part within.

but who arrives after him, but some people in suits!!! watching him take max's bag! and beginning to chase after mulder!

he uses the federal agent card to get out of there, which i fully support, and scully calls to tell him that this mystery thing was stolen from a military contractor. and i’m thinking, TELL HIM NOT TO OPEN IT, PLEASE

and she’s trying to tell him this, but the cell signal is breaking up!!!! PLEASE DO NOT OPEN IT BRO. it looks like he is about to, but he sees it a little through an x ray instead. PHEW!

scully says this must be high tech industrial espionage… which would be fascinating. but i don't think that is what is going on here.

and mulder’s getting on the plane with the mystery object!! BE CAREFUL- THEY’LL GET YOU!!

NOOOOO, MUSTACHE MAN IS ON THE PLANE!!!

did he regenerate the parts of him that were shot or something???!!!

mulder is sleeping on the plane…. mustache man comes to sit next to him…. and he sees that he has a gunshot wound on his leg… ah, so no regeneration

mulder clocks his nonsense very quickly, and says he has a weapon pointed at him!!

“what if you miss?” “i won’t” <- LMAOOO king has been practicing in the range!!!

but mustache man says he’ll depressurize the plane at 30,000 feet and jump away on a parachute. rude as hell. 

mulder guesses that it is perhaps alien energy in the bag he carries that so many people had to die for… and he tells mustache man to get to the back of the plane, NOW, so he can be exiled to the bathroom 

he calls scully from the plane (you can do that???) and tells her that he has the man who shot pendrell locked up!! and can she please give skinner a head’s up to get to the airport? thank you

“hey scully?” my watch just stopped” (he drops the phone and runs) “mulder? mulder?!” <- oh the DESPERATION in her voice…

he is always dropping calls and running, leaving her to yell with worry on the phone. we need to train him to stop doing this. in fact, the one time he did not do this was when he was on the phone with scully's mother, and it was remarkable for how much effort it probably took

mulder tells the flight attendant that the flight is about to be boarded, but mustache man comes out with his gun!!! saying to put the bag down NOW!! all the passengers are shocked to see this happening.

so he does set the bag down… and then the plane is rumbling… and the lights….. the UFO!!!! everyone is screaming!!!! 

mulder pulls a gun on mustache man as the door starts to get blown off, just like he thought it happened to max. and then everything is very very quiet…..

scully and skinner are RUNNING to the plane as the people disembark. 

and mustache man isn’t there anymore!! and his watch is off!!!! omggggg!!!

the alirans got him!!!

he seemed like a dick so no real loss on that end. but i'm sad mulder cannot use that mystery part to prove they exist.

although, it seems that claiming "it's just super advanced tech from (insert country that is not the USA here)" would be the government's first move. not sure how much the actual object would have helped if they had that trusty excuse hanging in their back pockets.

“would you like to tell me what’s going on here, agent mulder?”, asks skinner (scully intercepts) “i don’t think you want to know the answer” 

skinner looks very very confused. my poor guy.

back to the video of max, where he is talking about the secrets the government is keeping. sharon is watching it. WITH SCULLY AND MULDER!!! my besties :)

she asks if she can keep the tapes and he says yes, she should start a collection of all of max's things

when sharon mentions that scully also lost someone very close to her, she has to leave the trailer…. and mulder follows behind in his white sneakers

“you thinking about pendrell?” “i realized i didn’t even know his first name” <- OUCH. queen please do not feel guilt over this, because that is just how having coworkers is.

but she was really thinking about HER BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM MULDER??? OMG?? she’s looking at it and smiling

wait, this next monologue NEEDS to be copied down….

“you never got to tell me why you gave it to me, or what it means, but i think i know. i think that you appreciate that there are extraordinary men and women and extraordinary moments when history leaps forward on the backs of these individuals… that what can be imagined can be achieved… that you must dare to dream… but that there’s no substitute for perseverance and hard work and teamwork… because no one gets there alone. and that while we commemorate the greatness of these events and the individuals who achieve them, we cannot forget the sacrifice of those who make these achievements and leaps possible”

“i just thought it was a pretty cool keychain”

(soft music as the camera turns to the stars and fades to black)

WAAHHHHH

oh scully, i mumble for the hundredth time... she makes my heart hurt. she has so much good in her and yet nothing good happens TO her.

i love that she is so analytical and finds meaning in everything, even the little keychain <3 and i love that she is both dedicated to science and an idealist, and neither of those things are mutually exclusive even if you might imagine that the hard realities of the world do not mesh with optimism and faith.

and i don't fully believe that mulder just thought the keychain was cool... he knew what he was doing there. at least a little bit. now i will imagine it dangling from her keys for decades, jingling each time she unlocks her door, a little piece of their connection made physical.

so, what am i thinking about the episode?

well, we didn't get any closure on plane guy or frish, and i know better than to think we will get some in any future episodes. so that feels a little unfinished.

in terms of plot development, we are introduced to this mustache man and an object that could prove the existence of aliens, but both of those get wiped away, and we leave off sort of where we began. that left mustache man feeling underused, or sort of like a waste of narrative focus. unless he comes back?

still, while i might have qualms with the plot not being entirely wrapped up, i enjoyed this episode! the moment with skinner absolutely got to me, as did scully's kindness towards pendrell and her analysis of mulder's gift. the moment where he just started changing clothes and they had that unspoken understanding also killed me.

i was also glad that this episode explained things a bit more than the last one did. i was confused with the constant switches between theory and fact, that while i'm sure some viewers were annoyed with how they spelled it out so clearly, i was pleased.

i love the tales of mulder and scully's spooky job. it was a good episode!

[du-hjarta-skulblaka]

Some mild existential dread in the house today