#which is weird for me so hopefully it's okay
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i have a request!
maybe one where steve knows he's bisexual before eddie but ofc, eddie thinks he's straight and doesn't think he has a chance, so he just takes whatever he can get with steve's friendship even though he has the biggest crush on steve and vice versa. but when eddie does find out about both, eddie would be internally screaming bc he could have been in a relationship with him and kissing steve ages ago.
i just love gay disaster eddie and confident bisexual steve haha
THANK YOU FOR THIS!!! This one could genuinely be a multi-chapter fic, so if someone has the time, I would love LOVE LOVE to read that. For now, here's a taste of something that kind of checks all the boxes mentioned but at superspeed. If I could write a 20k fic on it, it probably would have A LOT more pining first. I'm a sucker for pining. I hope you love this little thing! - Mickala ❤️
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Steve was giving off vibes, okay?
Like, major ones.
And Eddie was convinced he was imagining it or just trying to convince himself that something existed where it didn’t to make his chances higher.
When Robin came out, a small part of him believed that Steve had to be at least a little queer. Men didn’t just accept being turned down by someone they liked when they turned out to be a big old lesbian.
But when he casually asked Robin if Steve had ever been so inclined towards the same sex, she laughed hysterically and said Steve was as straight as they came, that she’d never met anyone as straight as him, and that she’d probably end up with a man before he did.
So he let it go.
But then he said stuff sometimes about actors or singers that just left Eddie’s brain a big pile of question marks.
Maybe Eddie just didn’t know how straight dudes talked about other dudes?
So he let that go too.
And then Steve was genuinely checking out a guy at the public pool. There was no other explanation for the way his eyes focused in on his ass and worked their way up his body, a nod of silent approval hidden to all but Eddie.
But he did the same exact thing to Robin when she came out of the changing room, and while he knew he had feelings for her a while ago, they were long gone.
“What was that all about?” Eddie gave in and asked when everyone else started walking to the steps to get in.
“What?”
“Checking Robin out.”
“What the hell? I wasn’t checking her out! I was making sure her bathing suit fit right. One of the things they taught in lifeguard classes was that a too big or too small bathing suit can kill you.”
“So you were just making sure it fit?”
“Yeah. I don’t want her to drown.”
Eddie sighed.
But he let it go.
He stopped hoping for the chance to be more than friends. He was fine with just being friends. More than fine. Great.
He got to enjoy having Steve as a friend.
He didn’t half ass anything.
If he said he was gonna hang out, he was ready to commit the entire day to making sure you had his attention.
If he had everyone over at his house for movie night, he had everyone’s favorite snacks ready to go.
If he was gonna join Eddie at the quarry and smoke and look at the stars, he was gonna do it while making Eddie fall in love with him.
It wasn’t fair.
But he tried to let it go.
It was one of those nights that he found out he didn’t have to let it go.
“You ever just wonder how you could have ever thought you were a different person?”
What? Okay, Steve was high. Past the silly kind and right into the too existential to make sense kind.
“I don’t have a clue what you’re sayin’, man.”
Steve giggled.
God, Eddie was fucking done for.
“It’s just that I thought I was straight for 17 years of my life. And then spent another two years trying to convince myself that I couldn’t be anything but straight. And then life smacked me with Robin and now you and it didn’t really leave me much room to argue.”
“What are you saying?”
“I mean, I’ve had a crush on you since. Well, definitely since you held a bottle to my throat, but probably before that. Like, way before that. Maybe your first senior year.”
Steve was high. He didn’t mean what he was saying, and even if somehow he did, it wasn’t fair to hold him to it. Being high was sometimes like being drunk: the words may be true, but the feelings may not stick around.
So Eddie took a deep breath, bit back the tears he could feel clinging to his eyes and the burn in his throat, and forced himself to change the subject.
It wasn’t fair, but when Steve let him change the subject easily, he let it go.
————-
It took three weeks for him to break.
He was with Steve at his house, waiting for the kids to show up for movie night. Steve was busy preparing homemade pizza because he thrived on being able to cook for everyone.
Eddie loved him so much.
He was staring. He knew he was.
But how could he not when Steve was in that stupid “Number One Dad” apron that Max got him last Christmas as a joke, but he’d sniffled and said thank you like it was the best gift he got in the world?
Steve was humming something, sliding the last pizza into the oven (pineapple and ham for El, Will, and Mike), when it all seemed to hit him.
Steve had come out to him, had admitted out loud that he wasn’t straight and that he’d had a crush on him for a long time.
Sure, he was high when he did, but he’d been high with Eddie lots of times and never given away any top secret personal information like that.
He’d wanted Eddie to make a move.
He was so stupid.
He stood abruptly, nearly banging his knee against the bar in the kitchen.
Steve looked over at him, brows furrowed in concern, lips pouting out unintentionally.
Eddie stalked over to him, not bothering to explain his theatrics. At this point, Steve should be used to them.
He stopped right in front of him, looking down at the suddenly nervous way Steve was holding himself.
He wasn’t letting it go this time.
He sure as shit wasn’t running. He didn’t do that anymore.
“You remember the quarry?”
“Like, in general…or…?”
“A few weeks ago you said something at the quarry.”
“Oh.” Steve looked down at the floor between them. “Yeah. It’s okay that you don’t feel the same. I shouldn’t have put you on the spot like that.”
There was no fucking way Eddie was letting him think he didn’t want him back.
He gripped his cheeks in his hands, palms tilting his face up so he could look into his eyes.
Steve was biting his lip so hard, it looked like it could start bleeding any moment.
Eddie brought his thumb over, pulling his lip from his teeth.
“How can I kiss you if you’re too busy eating your lip?”
Steve’s eyes widened.
“What?”
“Stevie. Did you mean it then?”
“Yeah, ‘course I did. I wouldn’t lie about that.”
“Then I need to ask a favor.”
“Anything.”
Eddie wouldn’t let that go to his head. Not yet.
“Can I kiss you?”
Steve’s responding smile lit up the room, more than the overhead lights, more than the actual sunlight streaming through the window.
“Thought you’d never ask.”
Eddie leaned in as Steve did, their lips meeting in a light peck that quickly deepened, moans escaping their mouths at the same moment.
He let his hands slide down to Steve’s neck, his thumbs rubbing small circles as his tongue begged for entrance into his mouth.
Steve was sinking further against him, his heartbeat steady against Eddie’s chest.
“It’s about damn time. Honestly, I was starting to think I’d have to make Steve come out to you again.”
Robin’s voice shocked them apart, but when they realized who it was, they managed to fall back into each other.
Eddie’s arm slipped around Steve’s waist as Steve rested his head on Eddie’s shoulder.
“The kids will be inside in about 20 seconds so if you would prefer they don’t know what’s going on, you should wipe those lovesick looks off your faces and find a bubble of personal space.”
Eddie kissed the top of Steve’s head before pulling away.
“Talk when the kids leave?”
“Yeah. But first,” Steve pulled Eddie in for one more quick kiss on the lips. When he pulled away, he was smirking. “We’ve got a lot of catching up to do.”
“I don’t plan on letting you out of bed for the next 24 hours after the kids leave. We’ll at least get a good start on the catching up.”
Eddie threw a wink at Steve, ignoring Robin’s gagging noises, and sat back at the bar.
The kids came running in, circling Steve to hug him or ask him what dinner was and Eddie smiled to himself.
Robin nudged him after a few seconds.
“You’re both so hopeless.”
“Not anymore.”
#steddie#steve harrington#eddie munson#stranger things#robin buckley#coming out is sort of accidental but not really#like steve is high when he says it but would have told eddie anyway#mutual pining though this is all from eddie's POV#which is weird for me so hopefully it's okay#anon requests#requests#ficlet
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@crazify linked me in a "spell your URL out with songs" post and I was like hmmmm probably not. I'm pretty shy with my music tastes. Then I did this anyway and not only picked song titles but also the specific OC from OIFIL that I would associate it with.
Yes, B is just the same song. I didn't really have many B titles that could fit Rick..... so I just slam dunked him like a leech onto Karen's B song. It actually still works for him so its fine.
#moe talks a lot#my characters#oops i fell in love#i mean like yeah sure i spent most of the day thinking about songs rather than drawing but#my brain is also stuck on i am very stressed and incapable of functioning due to stress#but i do not work tomorrow and hopefully I can rest up#paul is such a funny lil guy who somehow gets pop songs sung by girls and im like yeah thats him#thats my weird little bisexual freak of a guy#I HOPE ITS OKAY I TAGGED YOU BTW IM SORRY IF IT SEEMS WEIRD BUT IT was inspired by your tagging me#so yeah uhhhhhhh cheers and RIP that none of these are by set it off which is one of my current fixations#also fun fact of nearly every song i could think of is right or brent coded#right even HAS a playlist - he is my only oc with his own playlist#also i debated between rick and evelyn but evelyn isnt as developed as a character#so song association was harder
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it's not sinking in that today might be the last day in my house and town for many months to come
#like how do i even feel#on one hand im excited because like now that i finally agreed to dads stupid whims he technically will have to give in to things#ive been wanting since FOREVER like going to the gym#plus it's impossible to eat junk food when he's there he won't even let me kacchi maggi because maida hai bimar ho jayegi#and aadhe se zyada din toh pyaaz ye sab nahi kha sakte so it rules out any outside food#which is so good because like i just found out im pre diabetic lol#like borderline sugar like ab kuch nahi kiya toh seedha type 2 diabetes#so i need to eat healthy or ill literally die#i mean eventually but whatever being diagnosed with this in my 20s would kill me#also simply the fear of living with him is so much that i HAVE to study#and i want to now it's high time#but yeah want doesn't really work for me#i read a quote somewhere that 'goals' don't mean anything because winners and losers have the same goals#and i was like WOAH. like the person who gets an all india rank had the same goal as me: to pass the exam with good marks#but they succeeded and i didn't so it's isn't our goals that differentiate us#which ik is obvious but like still idk put things in perspective#anyway yeah that way my life MIGHT be fixed#but there's also living ALONE with my sociopathic FATHER who has more mood swings than me on pms#and being cut off frm the rest of civilisation and yk developed roads and buildings and ice cream shops#i guess it is mostly food ig :( which is good like the most junk food i can eat there is a burger from a nearby stall and that's pretty#much it they literally do not even have havmor or anything in walking distance forget scoop wali ice cream#but i like my bed and i like my ceiling with the stars and i like looking out of my window and knowing that the first ever crush of my life#lives right next to me and i like knowing that ill meet my bestfriend atleast once a month#i don't really love my mom or my brother tbh but idk maybe ill miss them it's weird ive never lived without them#i don't know i really hope that this is like a boot camp kota types experience rather than so much isolation that i sink deep into#depression. but then ive hit pretty shocking lows this year so hopefully i can handle it#my sister did say that when she lived alone with him for a month it was quite peaceful and okay because he usually gets more angry when mom#is around warna mostly he's fine#i don't know i don't know bhagwan ji please ab aur mushkil mat banana life bohot jhatke de chuke ho already ab pls#mujhe apni galtiyo ko sudharne ka mauka dena 🙏
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UMETAROU NOGUCHI - Demon Slayer [full colour]
more art || character page || commissions
Tag list (ask to be added or removed): @carrionsflower @statichvm @risingsh0t @simonxriley @tommyarashikage @kanos @bbrocklesnar @confidentandgood @unholymilf @florbelles @thedeadthree @shellibisshe @roofgeese @aezyrraeshh @faerune @tekehu @jackiesarch @minaharkers @sergeiravenov @carlosoliveiraa @rosenfey @nokstella @queennymeria @heroofpenamstan @alexxmason @tethrras @jamessunderlandgf @a-treides @solasan @bigbywlf @delzinrowe @fenharel
#my art*#oc: umetarou noguchi#artists on tumblr#demon slayer#ds oc#kny oc#kny#demon slayer oc#my ocs#original character#character design#digital art#just a depressed girl trying to make herself feel better#I hate waking up on the verge of a panic attack every morning#if this one thing got resolved I would be okay#I think#but honestly im expecting another bad thing to come from all this#so I’ll probably get worse#so while I feel the strength to do so#enjoy some art#here is baby boy#the gender fluid icon that they are#I only have 8 more ocs to render which is insane#they’ll be done soon#hopefully… maybe…#I might update Hideko too tbf#love her general pose but her arms being up feels weird to me#might have her holding the mask at her front?#idk#anyway enjoy I’m gonna go cry some more
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also i want to again apologise for how phenomenally behind i have been with reblogging/responding to artworks on here, including art drawn for me or propaganda for the tournament!!
i'm hoping to start getting to my backlog for this VERY soon, ideally within the next two weeks. so you may start to see an increase of this on your timelines. and if i haven't yet gotten to your artwork don't worry, i most likely have it in my drafts!!!
#delete later#slight anxiety brain related ramble incoming but for folks who want more info:#i went through a kind of really bad brain space where i felt like i could not publicly interact with any art or reblog anything#(especially art that included my character; which i of course want to engage with *the most*)#because folks were being kinda weird about me doing so and saying it was “unfair” while the tournament was ongoing#that it showed bias for competitors if i reblogged their content even if it was fanart for me; or promo'd my own oc too much#even though that was kinda the point of the tournament! 😅💦#but now that it's wrapping up i will hopefully lasso my brain back into good behaviour and get back on top of it!#i'm so sorry to folks who have drawn things For Me Specifically and i have not gotten to you.#i know how that feels and i know how easy it is for anxiety to churn that up into a real living nightmare and i'm sorry if i have caused it#so just to clarify. if i have not interacted with an artwork i'm tagged in or that was drawn for me:#it is absolutely NOTHING to do with anyone who made me art or the art itself. it's 100% all me and my bad brain space.#i love all art!!! i'm genuinely so grateful and i look forward to showing my gratitude better soon!#okay. enough of a ramble!! this has just been eating at me for months and months. thanks for listening!
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tomorrow is my first day back to work and I'm a lil nervous
I haven't been able to get anything written for here bc I've been trying to get a couple other things written (updating my Bill Cipher redemption fic and starting a Gyutaro x reader x Daki because I make poor life choices)
but I'm on light duty for a month, basically just sitting at the register checking people out, unable to do any stocking or anything bc I'm not allowed to lift anything over 15 pounds so I can't lift totes, bend much, or reach much, so I'm allowed to bring something to do in between customers... maybe I'll get some writing done? I feel as if I'll be slacking off bc that's how my brain works
but you know what, I kill myself for that store normally, I don't work full time simply because I can't afford medical insurance if I did, but even working only part time I give my all while I'm there, I'm not someone who slacks off. so if I'm healthfully and approvedly permitted to slack off and take it easy for a month, I guess I'll take it (... plus, I mean, I'll still be working, just light duty, it's not like I'll show up and get paid to do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, I'm still gonna be ringing out customers)
ANYWAY MY POINT IS-
get those last requests in! after I get home from work tomorrow, I'll be closing the askbox and won't open it back up till this batch is finished and I swear I mean that this time 😂
#mod post#should I have ordered Jessii Vee merch knowing I am not getting paid for two weeks bc I didn't work for two weeks ? maybe not#BUT DAMMIT THIS IS WHY I HAVE SAVINGS#'weirdness all the way ' button and YANA 'be kind' button and squishy pink gummi bear COME TO ME#... been uh. been doing a lot of impulse online shopping while I've been sitting at home bc idk it scratches a certain itch in my brain#and my mama has been nice enough to be buying most of my food when I usually buy my own just bc it's hard for me to walk around much rn#but I'm feeling a lot better physically I just get tired easily so hopefully I'm gonna be back to buying my own food soon#like I appreciate everything my mom and lil bro have been doing for me but MAN I don't like being UNABLE to do shit myself you know?#I took a shower this morning and it exhausted me and Mom had to be in there to help me the whole time in case I lost my balance or smth#it's better than it was the first week but I still hate feeling like I've temporarily lost some of my independence#I can't wait to shower by myself again and for it not to drain me#which is such a small thing to want and miss but like#OKAY TAG RANT OVER THIS RECOVERY IS JUST DRAGGING#I'm getting old tbh that's what it is I'm 30 and don't bounce back like I used to 😂😂😂😂
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cat bit up my arm Gwah
#just me hi#my dude was Biting and Scratching and he was trying to be gentle at first but PAL#i mean it does Look bad but there's no blood so :) upside!#it looks kinda bad though hghfkshfhgjh#eu.. my skin... [<- is not enjoying the visual texture (it's not even the beat up parts it's just. eu)]#euuuuuuuu- euuu#oh wait speaking of getting shredded by cats i totally forgot about that one time- i forgot which of our cats i was handling but i think a#car had been started pretty nearby and they Freaked Out and left a score on my chest#which looked cool i will not lie. it also didn't sting which was great 👍 didn't enjoy the scab though hfsvh#yea it was kind of deep tho ? i'm surprised the scar isn't more pronounced lol - it's a darker shade than the surrounding skin which i thin#is neat :3#that was in the summer i think. forgot about it so fast hfhsvh#//okay okay my hair's annoying me lol#it's getting a bit longer than i like (it's in my face but it's Longer so it's in my face Badly if you know what i'm saying pfsh) but i'm#also thinking maybe i'll grow it out ? to play around with or something ? i dunno .u.#the thing is is that i don't like it being very long because that's Absolute Hell for meee#and also it doesn't match up with my mental image of myself so it's weird looking in a mirror and seeing. Somebody ? hfhsvh#long could be cool. unfortunately short may just be where i stay lol :)#WAIT. i forgot about wigs#Lmfshvhf - no but it Could be fun and makes a lot of sense. why choose and wait a couple months for room to mess around when you can just#Skip All of It. plusss my favorite hair would still be there. underneath#this makes sense to me it makes a lot of sense#Do i have the position‚ means‚ or proper space to do that? no. but longterm goals are cool hfkshvg#//dang did this cat get me on the back of my shoulder or what is that#?#? ?#irritation.. hmnm..#//okay yea anyway i've got a handful of things i wanna get toooo#this thing i've been working on has been SO funkin slow for some reason and idk why :'3 i have other things i wanna do hurry UP#hopefully i can figure out the colour situation tho cuz i feel like it's drawing away from the inks which i want to be a bit more focused o
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logging in solely over here for a little while methinks, bc goodness gracious i stepped into some shit on my main account 😭 i an going to let my avoidance win just this once bc I don't want to have more anxiety to deal with on top of the usual stuff fjdkdl, i can avoid that anxiety by not logging into my main account for a while... this may backfire on me if the anxiety festers instead of fades though LOL
#i didn't want to say it on my main bc its not a good idea to like... admit smth is getting to u when ppl are sending anons#but good LORD that entire subject is so upsetting for me bc of personal experience and im so ??? horrified that anon thinks theyre correct#absolutely baffling !!! scary stuff !!!#and then i tried turning to thinking abt Guz to distract myself from it#but ofc my brain is evil and was saying that actually Guz would agree w anon and think im being a hysterical prude#so i just had to like. sit and numb myself for a bit fjfkdl#and then i dealt w an earwig on the ceiling which snapped me out of it thankfully LMAO#but good LOARD i hate that it affects me so much. always makes me feel like such a wuss fjfkdl#anyways i think im okay now for the most part :') just a weird evening dealing w that fjfkdl#weird and upsetting. i will admit it. it was upsetting fhdkdl#as much as i didnt want it to upset me it definitely did#but now im going to listen to music and draw and hopefully settle down before sleeping WAUGH#dandy.cmd#vent //
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I can't be depressed, I ate vegetables two days in a row
#my mental health is in shambles lol#I haven't left my house in 4 days#i slept in until 1pm today which I haven't done in a while#the earliest i fall asleep is 2am#im fucking exhausted#it's so fucking hard to get myself to do anything#my brain won't even let me watch the Olympics even though ive been looking forward to the skateboarding competition#this shit is annoying#and it's annoying because i was so confused why this bout of depression happened#but i just got my first normal period after stopping birth control and that shit always fucks me up mentally#and my grandma just fucking died#so yeah not that surprising lol#also my girlfriend is out of town and i was supposed to go with her and it didn't work out so im sure that's not helping my brain feel okay#its just so fucking annoying because i just want to be okay with everything and not break#at least it's not the 'my brain is telling me to kill myself at all hours of the day' type of depression#but this shit still sucks and i hate it#and i don't want to talk with my girlfriend about it because i don't want her worrying about me and i want her to enjoy her time away#and i dont want to talk to my mom about it because actually i dont really know why i dont want to talk to her about it#im gonna be going back to therapy soon so hopefully that shit helps but who knows#anyway brains sucks and grief is weird and hormones are dumb and i miss my girlfriend#but hey at least my brain is letting me eat vegetables again lol#personal
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ugghhh wintertime sucks!! I'm sad and tired and sad all the time.. I need a nap.. and f/o cuddles.. and another nap..
#ash rambles 💚#negative#part of it is definitely the weather#it's so dark and dreary and i never wanna leave my bed#but also just. my mood akdjajs I'm kinda down in the dumps today#im recovering from being sick which always fucks me up#and i just cant shake this feeling of anxiety..? and i feel kinda a lot like my f/os wouldnt like me or would fall out of love or never see#me as more than a friend and other stuff like that#i.. actually got broken up with yesterday irl!#it wasnt messy. he said that this isnt what he wanted and it was fine and we're back to being pals. i wasnt sad at all in the moment and#i dont think i am now..? it's weird. we were laughing like always literal minutes after having the chat. when we got together we said that#if things domt work out we wanna keep being friends. and we're doing just that. honestly i saw it coming and idek if i LOVE him anymore#what even does love feel like..? regardless I'm not upset or sad at my breakup since i saw it coming and I'm honestly happy he just. Talked#to me about it. we communicated and then three minutes later went back to talking about x.enoblade LMAAOO it was fun!#but it is ridiculous for me to expect to feel NOTHING at no longer being in a relationship. i cant just feel nothing. i dont feel sad per s#just... in my thoughts i guess? I don't think the feeling of my f/os not liking me stems from me being dumped though. i think thats just me#being me sjdjaksj I'm very insecure a lot of the time. i dont think being dumped helpd very much though LMAAAOO#I'm doing okay i promise. and I'll be alright. theres just both a lot and nothing going on at the same time and i feel... idk what i feel.#i hope my f/os love me 😭 i hope that a lot#and honestly i know this community is ass and I'm more than happy in my own corner with my couple of followers but. ngl I've really felt as#though I'm not valued here and all that junk as of late. yeah just.. i think everything is happening at the same time and I'm tired and#i feel like I'm a confused kiddo who doesnt know anything anymore BAHAHAHA#holy shit it just sounds like i need a shower and a nap huh- I'll be alright I'm just. dealing with stuff akdjsks but i also hate to always#bring the mood down like this! i always try my best to be haha silly and all that shit. I'm just gonna try to daydream about f/o cuddles#(and try to convince myself they dont hate me ofc)#oh and. i know i mentioned this but. i hate the weather. so much. I'm sad all the time. November is actually my least favorite month too 😭#I've gotta study a lot today and I'll try to sneak in some k.urohyou and hopefully start watching monster too but yeah i apolgize if#I'm acting off these days ajdjajs I'm very stuck in my own mind these days. not exactly the most fun place to be 😭#delete later#i mean akdjajs i literally started crying the other day because my friend said that my husband (k.yohei) loves me ajdkahdb come on ash..
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getting an iced pumpkin chai in the morning and then my personal goal is to spend the whole day writing and i hope i can come back to this post tomorrow and rb w how much progress i’ve made!!!
#i have a love/hate relationship w this fic and i’m gonna rant to myself bc hehe it’s almost midnight so why not :>#okay SO. i for some reason just didn’t create any proper outline for this story and i think that’s why it’s taken me so long to write it#because i don’t necessarily have a why/a REASON for this story or plot… like even thinking abt doing the dialogue and trying to find flow +#cohesion is making me so 😐 and also honestly… i’m terrible at doing drafts in the first place#i don’t write linearly i jump all over the place while writing and SOMETIMES i can connect things but this time i could NOT#and i would focus on one tiny part for SO long and make no progress anywhere else like GIRL……… ENOUGH#but hmmmm yeah i also for some reason feel like esp w my writing it’s super robotic and doesn’t have emotion#like i’m not writing w suguru’s voice and instead i’m writing as the author and it’s kinda irking me#if that makes sense… hmmmm……….. also i might be doing dual pov so hopefully it doesn’t look too wonky#but yeah 😭 i need to work on scene setting & describing things effectively + doing show not tell#like i just made a mini outline rn and wow . it’s Not it at all 😭😭😭 there’s no WHY to the story and it’s making it hard to write#okay not necessarily a ‘why’ but like . What’s The Point of the story#sigh. i need to figure that out#also there’s so much stuff i want to add but i feel like it’ll be clunky + it’ll move fast or be weird#but my goal for tomorrow is truly and honestly write the meat and bones of it and then i can edit ruthlessly later on#i was thinking of getting it out this week but i forgot election week/don’t have anything really written either 😭#but hopefully next week if i try hard enough! the goal is before december bc i want this to be a november fic#but yeah that’s my mini vent @ me i’m glad to just talk abt in the tags#feels like for this story specifically it’s been a lot of looking at my docs instead of writing which is WHACK 🤨#also i don’t like my writing style + i want to write better in GENERAL#that’ll come w practice & doing it often though 😭#ALSO . SIDENOTE but why does tumblr not let me link things anymore like NDNDNDND SO STUPID#OOOOH AND . i need to start/finish selfship moodboards & also create wip lists for geto/gojo/toji but for REAL#as in wipe i’ll actually plan to write next not just ones i like the sound of 😭#ANYWAYS I’M SO SLEEBY……… honk shoo mimimi cult leader geto please pat my head to sleep and be kind to me#GIRL THIS IS LONG AS HELL OMFG . silence @ me 🤫 what a YAPPER#personal
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household enemy to the yyh watchthrough number one is the olympics. it's taken us a week to get two episodes into the gamemaster fight
#out of three. please the third episode's what makes it okay im fighting for my life out here#it is NOT for lack of trying on my part but theres only a brief window of time when the olympics is not happening#and as it turns out the watchthrough is Not my mom's first priority (how dare she etc)#i do feel slightly bitter that we've gotten through two eps of band o brothers in the same time#we are fighting for the same timeslots yet somehow the hour long show's gotten a leg up??#you don't have time for a 23 min ep but DO for a 60 min one?? explain the math to me please#idk how to explain the vague feeling of betrayal bc it Does Not make sense Nor matter in the slightest#but cmonnnn we were doing so well. and my little bro's starting up school again soon and my dad's gotta go back to work#sometimes eventually (<- hes on medical leave) and my grandparents are coming over next week We're Losing Time Soon#ughhh if i'd known the olympics were happening (<- somehow completely oblivious to this) i'd have accounted for#my mom getting whisked away by the land of synchronized divers and shot putters and whatever the hell#happens in the summer olympics (<- only pays attention to winter olys)#bc that always happens. and *i* have to go back to school in Some Amount Of Time Im Too Scared To Check (p sure it's late aug though) and#when that happens i'll (hopefully) be stuck across town which means we won't be able to do it any time besides the weekends#and i don't wannaaaaa#i know this is the least important problem anyone's ever had like i get that i know but#it's important to me that they sit down and watch this with me. and watching it pull apart and being#the one who's easily the most invested it makes me look all desperate when i ask them for their time and they can't give it#we can only pull this off neatly in the summer and we were so close and now we're losing it right at the finish line#i don't want life to get in the way of this little bubble i've fought so hard to make y'know#and it's childish and embarrassing and whatever but i just want them to have fun with me with this thing i care about a lot#but i can't do that bc my mom needs to watch the judo matches at Every weight class#even though she's recording a lot of them? i don't understand but whatever i know it's her thing im just moping about it ig#i want it to be as perfect an experience for them as possible and it's slipping away from me#and i don't wanna leave this project unfinished when i start school y'know. sighh#i think they might feel like i only want them around when we're watching stuff. whcih is weird bc that's like#The Singular Way we family bonded literally my whole life so idk why they wouldn't get that when reversed#but either way that IS how i wanna spend time with them. i want them to understand this thing that's become a part of me#and i wanna talk With them about it. and so far it's been fun in a way it's never been before. my mom at least seems to really like it#and i want it to Keep going well bc if we lose momentum im worried they'll start finding it tedious. sighh
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T shirt that says I still have social issues and trauma from things that happened over a decade ago
#captain’s log#I am getting back in to therapy to process things dw#I just find myself in these spaces and spiraling#because of how much I want to be friends with people or want people to like me#to think I’m fine and normal even or worthwhile but that feeling of wanting to be friends or needing to somehow#in the nebulous space of interaction irl or social media try to cut through and#communicate my personality my worth and my desire for friendship all while risking rejecting#rejection* feels impossible and is within itself very triggering#especially because I get stuck in these spaces of always feeling stupid ugly and like an 11 year old kid who doesn’t understand#but just feels like somethings WRONG with them and keeps saying the wrong things when he tries to make people like him#and that assumed wrongness which begates assumed rejection only makes the spiral worse#hi I will be okay I am fine I am just like. struggling and wanting to not feel weird or stupid or annoying#my last two work environments have been incredibly unprofessional and toxic which I think has triggered all of this#several people I worked with in both places have compared it to high school so I think there’s that#also I’ve made some fantastic and really cool new friends and I feel so frightened of rejection and so unworthy of friendship#also if I ever don’t respond to people it is because I panic and shutdown! haha sorry about that#I’m starting EDMR again this fall so hopefully I will see a turn around#I also think my anti-depressants have stopped working. also thinking about taking my psych up on the referral for Ketemine#anyway sorry I’ll be fine I’m going to wake Will up now so I’m not alone jdkdkskssksksks also eat something
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IA 2.0 voisona test with a short version of drag on dragoon's ending B song tsukiru/exhausted :) now i can hear Lia's beautiful dulcet tones sing scary scary songs
#vocal synth wip#maybe i'll finish it. not sure if im fully happy with the base file yet. ive been working on it + the growing wings ver for a thousand year#the timing is super tricky. why did i decide to make an svp of the most intentionally muffled smothering whispering song on earth#as my first attempt at making an svp by myself. why did i do this myself#also the instrumental probably needs work since its just a basic like software remove vocal situation LOL#there is no official instrumental rip..... i think someone had made a nice piano instrumental like five years ago but the videos down so#this is all we got LOL#the base file was an svp because i started this whole project in sv because..... its easier for me LOL BUt also i didnt feel like dealing#with the whispering in the bg of the original so i was like. just gonna make a flat track and maybe output the aspiration separate#and like fuck around with that until it sounds weird enough. but voisona and cevio dont have that function so i just stopped at the main#vocal + the chorus double. which also i have been so spoiled by sv scripts. randomize timing my beloved. i had to manually randomize it her#it took.... a thousand years 😔😔😔😔 although i guess thats fine since the tuning is like mostly default with just some tiny adjustments#i was more interested in messing with the different voice expressions and stuff in voisona <3 IA 2.0 has like this awesome exhale expressio#that im in love with because like. okay the one thing i think UTAU banks always have on any other synth is the end breath situation#no other software has given me as expressive end breaths as ur average utau bank. but IA's exhale is getting there!!!#also hopefully this isnt too loud. this is a very loud song. drakengard is a very loud game#edit: i mixed this like deliriously melting from a lack of AC and a bajillion percent humidity and listening back i now realize how#fucked up the volume levels are LOL ia's a BIT too loud and that double should be messed with a lot#but it works for demo purposes i think at least. kinda
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tell me your failed/embarrassing flirting stories to make me feel better, i’ll go first: today i said “get out of my way” forgot to say “i’m kidding” then immediately said “bye”
#it is awful having feelings for someone you know and have an established friendship with#but crushing on someone i barely know is knew to me and i legit feel like an idiot every time i do something stupid like this#i can’t just. talk to the guy#if i say hey and he says sup i say ‘sup indeed’ like what the fuck is that#i can barely even say hello to him#don’t get me wrong i’ve DONE it but most days i’m like#ah fuck there he is#okay you can do it just say hi#just say what’s up#and then he’s already gone#also. like. the setting we’re in is soooo not good for talking or flirting realt because um. it’s work he’s my coworker.. so um. do i fuckin#ask him for his number?? or to hang out??? but like. he’s kind of a stranger to me what do i want to hang out for 🧍#but like. i dont want to do that until i have at least one successful interaction#or like. an actual conversation.#which is gonna be really hard to manage because he doesn’t talk much at all to anyone and i really only talk if someone talks to me first or#i’ll say something absolutely idiotic and ridiculous (and honestly i do that no matter what)#anyway so um. i guess i’m just gonna keep making a fool of myself until i get it right and hopefully i don’t screw it up 🥴#i lost all my confidence in the last year and i cant do anything chill or smooth anymore (i was never that good in the first place but at#least i could PRETEND i knew what i was doing. like i could sell it. the whole weird and lost bit.)#anyway. i felt better for like 5 minutes when some guy at the gas station flirt failed with me on the way home. but that’s partly my fault#too oops. in his defense he probably could not see that i had headphones on bc upon mirror inspection they were well blended with my hair#but i was waiting to cross the street and this guy tried to like nod and smile and i did not know it was to me until i got to the other side#where the gas station was and and like. tried again and i awkward half smiled and saw his face get all mushy and confused like mine FELT 20#mins before when i’d flopped so hard trying to flirt and by the time i’d processed WAIT i think he was FLIRTING WITH ME i was already gone 🤡#but at least it ended better than the poor 14yo who very confidently asked for my number#who. i shit you not. SCREECHED for a solid 44.5 seconds and bolted the other direction when i said sorry im 21#his friends were standing there like wtf too and one was like i am so sorry about him 🤦#cheers to being fools universe
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Recently developed such a bad platonic/friendship crush (idk the word for it... I think there's a word??) on this one person I've barely spoken to 😭 Idk what is is... I just want to be their buddy... I want to do silly activities............ Send me memes and read my fanfics............................
#I cannot express how much I know literally nothing about them#and yet. I must be pals#>:3 !!!#I have SO many mutuals from the dndads fandom that I want to be friends with tbh#like I can count like at least 5 who I've semi-Tumblr stalked for a little while over the past year or so#just bc I think they are cool....#like even before I started being active on Tumblr#or even FOLLOWING THEM on Tumblr#I would check their blogs#I'm sure this sounds insane I just really like making buddies. okay#but it's usually bc I think they're cool and I'm slightly intimidated by them#for this person.. idk they're just kinda easy to talk to! which is fun!!!#it's always hard for me to talk to people online 😭 I'm so much better at holding convos irl or at least over calls/voice memos#even out of my irls I only have a couple who are easy to text..... bc I overthink my messages before I send them lol#so it's always nice to find someone who is easy to talk to ^_^#not that I have really talked to them much at all#anyway sorry for the vaguepost lol#at least it's positive! and hopefully not too weird. I promise I just think you are interesting and cool 😭😭#okay I'm still procrastinating on schoolwork so I should probably go. byee#ellyposting#I will also say NOBODY HERE (about the main subject of this post)#/NBH !!#but I love you all dearly mwah
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