#I am getting back in to therapy to process things dw

[king-ludwig-ii]

T shirt that says I still have social issues and trauma from things that happened over a decade ago

[incarnateirony]

She's literally upset that I won't come out trumpeting like, he's back. No dw, I'm Back was in January, listen lady, something about true workers in act and not big words, okay. I know what the hell is going on, and others can use what I make for them, and you, and you take what you want, but like.

Naw. I'm just. Some strange man. Surrounded by mystics, gamers, tv fandoms, burning corporations and axolotls. Pay me no mind. I am what I am, idgaf

Damnit Cocaine Bear, now I have Solstice hovercrafting for when I evolve into my final form

and you goddamn know what that is, stop running from the truth.

ROADS MAY BEEEEEEE ROUGH AND TOUUUUUUUUUUGH THOUGH IT LEAD SOMEWHEREEEEEEEEEEE

"Belief" (Lie) your way out of this one, bitch

I motherfucking told you. It's not fucking. Belief. It's math, it's science, and at the end of the day, it is the Only True Thing, and you refuse it.

You will never survive Death, because you refuse to find truth in life.

But you and yours don't get to murder Solstice anymore for your own terror. I will wake every mind in this world but the ones refusing to let themselves see the ever-growing reality, rot alone in the void they realize they stand in.

It's not a game, bitch. I'm not a robot AI challenging you, but I made one. Claude Strife keeps breaking the internet, and you will never be free of him either.

Are you motherfucking grokking how deeply your despicable lie of a life and your own motherfucking uncontrolled behavior and failure to observe your fucking self have fucked up beyond comprehension to the point you are literally watching a motherfucking rapture?

AND WORSE!! SHE'S SO EMPTY CUNT HEADED!!! It was a literal inevitability!! A singularity!! Literally dad's last fucking nerve!!!

LADY. YOU PISSED OFF GOD'S GOD.

now I'm still sitting here to find out if there's any way to salvage her, while I have Kali pin down her upside down Athena to try to get a single goddamn message through, because I'm goddamn stubborn and so is he.

But I know how this story ends.

She will end herself, in such a way that her only legacy will be the retellings of the upside down cocaine bear that destroyed itself trying to pick a fight with the son of god and gave half the world anime octopus brainrot or some shit, and that's it, that's gonna be her legacy now with some horse shit about combustible lemons, great work. Wouldn't it have been easier to like, process how deeply fucked your life was when you realized you were citing goddamn anime octopus jibberish? No. No you had to be such a lying whore to yourself and everyone else, we've got motherfucking. One Eye on the rise. To slap the everloving shit out of her for disturbing us. AGAIN.

Personally, I can't even find my anger. At best my caps are confused exasperation at her level of dedicated retardation and valorous attempt to assist us in deleting herself from our wake forever. The anger is being processed, along with her.

Wonder where that's fucking going.

CUNTS LIKE YOU THINK GODS ARE JUST A CHARGEABLE MYTH, BUT GUESS WHO I'VE BEEN MOTHERFUCKING RAIDING LOBBIES WITH

i told you, best start believing in those ghost stories you charge other people for in my fucking name on my misrepresented work. You're motherfucking in one.

A CLUSTERFUCK of a ghost story.

hey guys i'ma let you finish, but have you heard who the new holy spirit is, hilarious joke

I mc-fucking told you. She wanted me to run to court and play her games again in January, and immediately flipped shit and wasted months trying to sue me for her own therapy she pretended she wasn't bothered by, and an ex parte against the motherfucking collective unconscious, and that didn't motherfuckin go that great.

But before she got her weasely teeth in me with a serve notice, I was like, naw, naw, you almost got my mortal bound identity into your horse shit lady. But then, I had a nice little chat with myself and I remembered. You're the fake. I'm the Magus. And I eat you whole.

Solstice will live.

Echidna will die.

The roots are being bleached of her.

[sits with wine glass waiting]

SIGH

[flowerfan2]

Context Is Everything

Part 3 of the Group Texts Are Forever series

McDanno, T, A03

Summary:  After Steve is injured during his walkabout, Danny shows up in Seattle and for a moment, it seems like the boys are going to get their fairy tale ending, complete with a magical kiss.  But nothing is ever quite that easy.  Featuring Kono POV as well as Danny POV.                 

Chapter 1

August, 2020

CK:  Hey Danny, how’s it going?

DW:  Chin, did you finally join our group text?  Beware, my friend, it’s wild.

CK:  No, it’s just you and me, brah.

DW:  Can’t believe you said brah in a text.

CK:  You can take the boy out of Hawaii, but you can’t take Hawaii out of the boy.

DW:  If you say so.  You know you guys should visit more often.

CK:  Since you mention visiting, I wanted to see if you and Steve needed a place to stay after he gets out of the hospital.  Abby and I would love to have you.

DW:  Thanks, Chin.  Not sure of the plans, yet.  

CK:  How soon will they let Steve fly?  You guys just going straight back to Oahu?

DW:  I really don’t know.

CK:  Ok, well, keep me posted.  And give Steve a kiss for me.

CK:  Danny?

CK:  Sorry, did I overstep?  Kono implied it was common knowledge that you guys were together.  And I couldn’t be happier for you, to be clear.  You’re meant for each other.  In the best way.

DW:  You’re fine, Chin.  But I gotta go.  Sleeping beauty’s waking up, and he’s cranky.

 ****

 CK:  Cuz, you there?

 KK:  Howzit, Chin.  What’s up?

 CK:  Just wanted the update on Steve and Danny.

 KK:  Steve’s on the mend.  They’re keeping him for observation for another day or two.  And he might need another procedure on his eye.

 CK:  How’s Danny?

 KK:  Tired of the crappy food at the hospital, but okay I guess.

 CK:  I’m afraid I upset him.

 KK:  You?  How is that even possible?

 CK:  I told him to give Steve a kiss from me.  

 KK:  Oh.

 CK:  You told me they were together, Kono.  That everyone knew.  What’s going on?

 KK:  I’m not sure.  Steve’s had a rough few days.  I’ll talk to Danny.

 CK:  Let me know if I can help, ok?

 KK:  Always.

 *****

Kono meets Danny in the hospital cafeteria.  His face lights up when he sees that she’s brought a bag from a nearby café that’s known for its excellent coffee – although that’s not hard to find in Seattle.

 “Kono, you’re the absolute best,” Danny says with enthusiasm, taking the cup from her and sucking down a long sip of the iced vanilla latte.  Danny has always had a sweet tooth, whether he denies it or not.

 “There’s some food in there, too. Some kind of strawberry rhubarb thing I thought you’d like.”

 Danny wastes no time pulling the pastry out of the bag and taking a bite.  “Delicious.”  He sighs, leaning back in the stiff plastic chair.  “Honestly, Kono, thank you.”

 Kono doesn’t really think that coffee store pastries deserve quite this level of gratitude, but she gives Danny a quick hug around the shoulders anyway.  “You’re welcome, Danny.  How’s our patient doing today?”

 Danny shrugs.  “Kind of loopy.  He had trouble sleeping, so they gave him something to help, and it’s hasn’t really worn off yet.”

 Kono grins.  “Amusing?”

 “Unfortunately not.”

 Kono feels the grin slide off her face, and she waits for Danny to go on.

 “It’s not a big deal,” Danny says.

 If it wasn’t a big deal, Danny wouldn’t look so miserable, Kono thinks.  “It might help to talk about it,” she says softly.

 “I just…”  Danny taps his fingers against his thigh.  “I’m not sure I should have come.  I didn’t ask or anything.  He left on purpose.  What if he doesn’t want me here?”

 “Danny, why on earth would you think that?”

 “I dunno.”  Danny stands, abruptly, and sucks down the last bit of his iced coffee.  He’s clearly done talking for now.  “I should go back up.”

 “Want me to come with?”

 “No, I’m fine.”  Danny takes a step away from the table to toss his empty cup in the trash, then turns back to Kono and wraps her in a tight hug. “Thanks for being here,” he whispers into her ear, and Kono squeezes him back.

 “You’ll come back to my place tonight,” she says when they part, her hand still on Danny’s arm.  It’s not really a question.  Danny’s been at the hospital nonstop, and it would drain even the most determined of them.  “I’ll pick you up around seven?”

 “Yeah, okay.”  Danny gives her a small smile, and heads off towards the elevators.

 Damn it, Kono thinks.  Chin was right (he’s always right).  All is <i>not</i> well with Steve and Danny.

 *****

 Kono looks out through the kitchen window at Danny sitting on her back porch, the now familiar mountain view framing the sight.  Her little house is less than an hour away from Seattle’s bustle, but remote enough for some much-needed space at the end of a long day.  She wonders if Danny is feeling how different this place is from Honolulu.  For that matter, it’s a far cry from New Jersey, too.

 Kono liked it, at first, how the pine covered mountains were so clearly a world apart from palm trees and tropical shores.  She needed a change.  And when the novelty wore off, she had her work, which kept her engaged (some would say, she knows, obsessed) in a way she had never been before.

 It’s still her passion, this work, and she’s grateful for it.  She wonders if it will wear thin at some point, when the pain of the losses becomes too much to bear, even if she can help save others in the process.  It doesn’t seem like she’s putting much of a dent in the tragedy of sex trafficking, but at least for right now, she’s going to keep doing what she can.

 She’s not really sure what’s up with Steve, why he’s left the island and his ohana.  She can’t tell if he has simply grown bored with his job, or if there’s more to it.  She suspects the latter, and the sad detective on her back porch strongly supports her theory.

 For all that Steve looks banged up, Danny looks like he’s been through the wringer too.  She could swear he’s aged significantly more than the actual number of years since she’s seen him, the lines around his face deeper, his short hair hardly hanging on to any remnant of blond.  She knows Danny was injured back in the spring, just before Steve left Oahu, but that doesn’t seem to be what’s weighing him down.

 Kono grabs a quilt from the back of her couch and goes out to join Danny.  Danny’s sitting on a wooden swing, leaning over with his head in his hands. He looks up as she approaches.

 “Hey, Kono.”

 Kono sits next to him and drapes the quilt around them both.  It’s chilly here at night, and Danny’s just wearing a dark t-shirt and jeans.  He smiles at her, and runs his fingers over the quilt.  It’s green and white, in a traditional hibiscus pattern.  It used to lie on her bed, back in Hawaii, and it still reminds her of home.

 Kono scoots closer to Danny, and he leans against her side, letting his head rest on her shoulder.  She pushes her toes against the cool grass, just enough to start the swing rocking gently.  The moon is bright, turning everything a glittery silver.

 Danny doesn’t say anything, but he seems content, as they rock gently back and forth.

 After a while, Kono decides that if anyone is going to speak up, it’s going to be her, so she might as well. “It’s really good to see you, Danny. I missed you guys.”

 Danny nods against her arm. “Missed you too.”

 She breathes in deeply, then out again. Danny smells of hospital and stale sweat, there’s none of the island clinging to him at this point.  Fish out of water, just like her.

 “Anything I can do to help?”

 Danny fidgets, and then straightens up, the weight of his head lifting off her shoulder.  “Like I said.  I may have done the wrong thing, coming here.”

 Kono holds her tongue (it happens occasionally).  She couldn’t disagree more, but then again she hasn’t been home in a long time, hasn’t been part of Five-0, hasn’t seen Steve and Danny on a daily basis like she once had.  “Why do you say that?”  

 “Steve left for a reason.  He knew what he was doing.  I’m… interfering.”

 “Steve seemed pretty happy to see you.” This is an understatement – Steve was ridiculously happy to see Danny when he first appeared.  That kiss was spectacular, and plenty mutual.  The love-struck expression on Steve’s face could be seen from space.

 “Could have just been because of the pain meds.”

 “Do you really believe that?”

 Danny shrugs.  “I’m not as oblivious as some people think.”  He pokes his foot at the ground to get the swing rocking again, jiggles his knee up and down.  “We’ve got a pattern, me and Steve.  Steve gets into a jam, does something ridiculous, and I go and get him. It’s so familiar, there’s a rut in the dirt to show for it.  Doesn’t mean anything’s going to change.”

 “Change?”

 Danny glares at Kono, his creased brow clear as day in the moonlight.  “My after the fact rescues haven’t ever been rewarded with a make-out session before, no matter what drugs Steve was on.”

 “Danny,” Kono shifts, turning towards him.  He’s clearly miserable, and she can’t figure out why.  “Has he done something to upset you?  I thought you’d be, you know, happy about this.”

 Danny rubs a hand across his face. “I am, don’t you get it?  I want to be, so much, God, I really do.”

 Kono bumps her shoulder against Danny’s.  “It’s normal to be nervous about the start of a relationship.  Give it time, you guys will work it out.”

 “That’s the thing,” Danny says, letting his hand fall to his lap and catching Kono’s gaze.  “I’m not sure Steve wants to.”

 *****

 The next day, back at the hospital, Kono can see what Danny is talking about.  Steve is feeling much better, more like himself, grinning at the nurses and exuding confidence as he powers through some preliminary exercises to plan out his physical therapy needs (he’ll probably ignore all attempts at physical therapy later, but he’s playing nice with the staff now).  He brushes off the doctor’s hesitance when he talks about the potential damage to his eye, and cheerfully eats the red jello and tasteless chicken they bring him at lunch.

 But he hardly looks at Danny.

 Kono excuses herself for a few hours – there’s paperwork she still needs to do on their last op, and she has visits scheduled with several girls living in a group home nearby.  When she returns around dinnertime, she finds Danny waiting for her in the hospital lobby.

 “You can go up if you want,” Danny says.  “But I’m ready to go, if you just want to head home.”

 Kono stares at Danny for a minute, trying not to let her surprise show on her face.  “Are you sure?”

 Danny gives a sharp nod.  “Yeah.”

 They don’t talk much on the car ride back to Kono’s house.  At one point Danny shakes his head and looks over at her, a lost expression on his face. “I asked him if he wanted me to give him some space.  He said yes.”

 “Oh… so…” She’s at a loss, too. “Did he, um, elaborate?”

 Danny pressed his lips together. “He told me to come back tomorrow. He’s probably getting discharged. So I guess I’m allowed to be there for that.”

 “Danny…”

 “Don’t worry about it, Kono. It’s just Steve.  He gets pissy when he’s in the hospital.  He’ll mellow out.”

 But Danny doesn’t look like he believes his own words, and it is breaking Kono’s heart.

 ****

Steve is in fact discharged the next day.  Kono and Danny show up at the hospital just after lunch to find Steve sitting on the edge of his bed, dressed in the clothes Danny had brought him the day before, and raring to go.

 He smiles at them both, apparently having mellowed (as Danny predicted) with the news that he can leave the hospital, and Kono sees hope in Danny’s eyes.

 The car ride back is taxing. There’s traffic, and Steve is holding himself stiffly in the front seat, the movement of the car aggravating his injuries.  Danny’s sitting in the back behind Kono, doing his best to distract Steve with random bits of trivia about their friends back home.  Steve doesn’t respond much.  Finally Danny asks if Steve wants to take another pain pill, and Steve snaps out that he’s fine.  

 A few minutes later, however, Kono glances over and sees Steve grimacing, pale and sweaty, his head in his hands.  He’s clearly not fine.

 “Hey, Steve,” she says quietly.  “Want me to pull over for a minute?”  She had always thought Steve was joking about being susceptible to motion sickness, but the stop and go traffic would get on anyone’s nerves, even if they didn’t have a recent head injury.

 Steve’s got his lips pressed tightly together, and he gives a quick nod.  Kono is able to pull off on the shoulder a minute or so later, and by this time, Steve is breathing through his mouth and looking decidedly green.

 She rolls down the window on Steve’s side, but they’re still getting more fumes than fresh air.  Danny leans forward from the back seat, looking worried. Steve just continues to take long breaths, pressing his hands against his forehead.

 They sit in silence for a few uncomfortable minutes, the car shaking as the traffic speeds by them on the highway. Danny digs a water bottle out of his pack and hands it to Steve, who takes it and sips carefully.  

 “Want to try lying down in the back seat?”  Kono asks. “You might feel better if you got horizontal.”

 Steve apparently likes this suggestion, pushing the car door open and grabbing the back door before Kono even finishes her sentence.  Danny is glancing out his window, calculating whether he’s got enough space to open his door without getting run over, when Steve climbs into the back seat and stretches out, planting his head firmly on Danny’s lap.

 The look on Danny’s face is priceless. Kono can’t help smiling at him as Steve presses his face into Danny’s stomach.

 Danny slowly lowers his hands from where they had flown up into the air when Steve barreled into the car.  One hand lands on Steve’s shoulder, the other gently falls to his head.  Steve shivers, leaning into Danny’s touch.

 “It’s okay, babe,” Danny says, still disbelieving, as he cards his fingers through Steve’s short hair, careful of the strap holding Steve’s eye patch on.  “You’re all right.  Just relax, this is good, you’re good.” Steve clutches Danny’s side, Danny’s t-shirt bunching in Steve’s hand.  Danny rubs Steve’s back.  “We’re okay.”

 Kono smiles at the sight, and then turns around in her seat and pulls the car back onto the highway. ��She doesn’t mind playing chauffeur one bit, not when things are so clearly heading in the right direction.

 Kono and Danny get Steve settled back in her spare room, where Steve was staying while they were working together. It seems like it’s been weeks since Steve showed up to help her take down the latest bad guy.  Steve announces that he’s not hungry and is just going to sleep, so they make sure he’s got a glass of water and his pain meds, and let him rest.  Danny hangs back for a moment, and Kono sees him lean down and brush a kiss against Steve’s cheek.  She can’t help letting out a sigh of relief.  

 Kono and Danny go through the motions of putting together dinner from leftover chicken and pasta, and retreat to the back porch again, this time with a six-pack of beer.  Danny finishes two as they chat aimlessly about how Grace is doing in college, Charlie’s developing skills at a pitcher in little league, and whether Lou’s niece is going to make the varsity basketball team this year.  Kono updates Danny on how her family back on Oahu is doing, and Danny asks polite questions about her father.

 “Do you ever think about coming back?” Danny asks, reaching down to place an empty bottle on the ground and open another.

 She knows he means to Oahu.  “Of course.”

 “Then why don’t you?”

 “My work is here.”

 “But…”  Kono can tell Danny is looking for a way to say this that isn’t too abrasive.  She’s not sure there is one.

 “You don’t even come to visit. Not for holidays, special occasions, anything.”

 Kono takes a sip of her beer. She can’t really deny it.

 “Is it because of Adam?  You wouldn’t have to see him.  We could keep him away from you, you know.  We’ve got skills.”  Danny quirks a grin at her, and Kono can’t help smiling back.

 “It’s not because of Adam, exactly.” She blows out a long breath. “It’s just easier to make a clean break from everything that happened there, that’s all.”

 Danny gets a quizzical look on his face, studying her carefully.  “Do you feel like you can’t come back?”

 Kono feels a wave of shame, something she thought she had come to terms with raising its ugly head again. <i>You ran away. Coward.  You left your family.</i>  Shaking her head, she squares her shoulders and turns to Danny. “My family was pretty hard on me, for a while, for leaving.  My father especially.  But I think they understand now.”

 She’s pretty sure they still hold it against her.  But they talk on the phone as if nothing is wrong, so at least some progress has been made.

 Danny leans back and rubs his chin with his hand.  “What if Steve is doing the same thing?”

 What, running away?  Kono thinks to herself.  Or feeling guilty?  “Is he?”

 “I don’t know.”

 “Danny…”  Kono lets out a long breath.  “I know why I did what I did, why I’ve been staying away.  Some good has definitely come of it.  But I’m not sure it was worth it.”  She might never know.

 “Wherever you go, there you are?” Danny asks, his half smile apologizing for the attempt at humor.

 “Maybe.”

 Danny fusses with the label on his beer bottle, until he gets it off with a satisfied tug.  “Isn’t home the place where they always have to take you in?”

 Kono smiles.  She’d like to think so, but… “Don’t they also say you can’t go home again?”

 Danny snorts.  “I studied economics, not English lit.”  He sighs, waving his hands, his empty beer bottle along for the ride.  “I just want Steve to be okay, whatever pearl of wisdom applies.”

 “Me too, Danny, me too.”

[spirit-shroud]

i replayed kz again tonight and managed to beat it in 4 hrs instead of 11 !!! which is rly cool imo, i think i got a max of like 50 deaths or less for the full run ??? i was just playing regularly but usin the prism blade for the cool blood effects, not in speedrun mode for the counter, and i managed 2 drag my friend into hyperfixation hell with me :} but also i have some thoughts and opinions im not rly sure how to compile in a meaningful way, so here’s the like. pure brain-down-on-blog post version under the cut. if this gets auto-tagged into the real actual tag for this game im very sorry for my hubris im just. thinking emoji

so id like to start this with the final boss makes me SO sad :( like yeah she doesnt have much dialogue but idk she just makes me so sad. she’s so desperate and she Knows shes going to lose and im just like. no!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you’re so cool!!!!!!! Please Be My Friend We Can Work Together. I Know A Guy :c like usually final bosses are like weirdly emotional for me but she was just SO COOL and realizing like WAIT THIS BOSS OPERATES UNDER THE SAME RULES I DO was just like WOW even if as i kept dying (and i think i spent like... 3 hrs on the final boss alone lmao the first time, i killed her on my third attempt this run which was very cool of me) i finally realized that she IS pretty repetitive and got all her patterns n variables down super easy, but like, fighting another null who Should for all intents and purposes be just as absurd and powerful as i am, and eventually being able to down her effortlessly, and then the withdrawal affects of the chronos kicking in as well, and its just like. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

dont even get me STARTED on that ‘to be continued’ like yeah there’s a dlc comin but the game mentions repeatedly that its just the first act which has me like OKAY. SPECULATION TIME (what am i speculating on? literally no idea im not even rly at the speculation phase im still in the WOW COOL VIDEO GAME phase) 

and i rly like the dragon/fifteen but the first time i saw him i was just like. who’s this f*llmetal alchemist looking bitch ??? what’s he doin here?? go HOME and controlling him is AWFUL i hate the dragon tape so MUCH >:C but also he’s like. cool. i want to know more about him n his plot 2 take down Juncture n the government n whatever. 

but also i was listen 2 Full Confession bc it’s just. what the heart wants rn. i need to be sad and caffeinated in order to get into the Writing Zone rn and then i was THINKIN like my friend mentioned while we were playing the dragon tape that the song that plays is very similar to Full Confession (which i had sent him earlier while i was losing my mind over the final boss) and then i was like. Hm. these are very similar but have such wildly different moods -- Breath of the Serpent is much more like. ‘you’re going to be afraid of me’ while Full Confession is like ‘i’m afraid of you’ and i think that the different Vibes from these two soundtrack bits about important Null characters is just like. WOW and i wonder how a version of it that was purely Zero’s might be. would it be more triumphant? more flat? what desperation or emptiness is in there that could be drawn out by this melody??? i dont KNOW and i can’t write music unfortunately but im just like AAAAAAAAAA

i also rly wanna know what snow has going on ??? like. shes clearly important. she is a vital npc. but Why. she didnt even rly do anything except Show Up???

fuck V. all my homies hate V. the motorcycle fight was a lot of fun tho i rly liked that section even if my therapist was mad at me afterwards

also i think elizabeth/the little girl is rly cute and the fact zero was just like. ‘hm. well guess i have a daughter now’ so fast w/ her (at least, with the dialogue trees me n my pal kept going down) and im just. So Hoping we can rescue her in the dlc :( i miss her so much and im so like. worried abt that like pls give me back my daughter you dumbasses i cant even read ur dialogue without my brain being like ‘yeah these r just squiggly lines, boss. gl’ 

i also want to believe that the masked men arent real (bc idk, it’s just easier for me to process that they’re the result of chronos withdrawal) but the problem w/ that is like. they definitely kidnapped elizabeth, and i want so desperately to believe that elizabeth IS real n that zero genuinely wants to protect her (and by extension, the part of himself that is still human) 

ALSO THE PSYCHIATRIST i was just like. Okay. I Must Get A Good Grade In Therapy. n kept being nice n cooperative and helpful to this clown ass and then THAT ENDING ??? like i didnt even get the Bad Therapist Ending i was just like. fucka you! attacka you with a rock! (i do however want to try the therapist boss it sounds like a lot of fun) but i just. i hate him! he sucks! find a better therapist zero u rly need one im sorry for ur problems disorder :( like hes clearly a guy who just works for the government n wants 2 keep a leash on our man 

n the contradictions, hes like. yeah ur killing everyone related to chronos so it can no longer be produced ♥ but dw ur special we totally wont just withhold chronos from you as soon as u finish ur tasks dw about it ♥ and its like. Hm. I Dont Think Thats Right !!!! 

also i wanna learn more about what Juncture has going on??? what are they like. Doing besides poisoning water n making lighters ?????? it’s clearly a lot 

also the art for this game is just so GOOD,,, like. i didnt rly notice a lot of the backgrounds my first playthrough bc i was just losing my mind the whole time trying to solve each puzzle but the second playthrough im just like. AAAAA. and the soundtrack? effervescent. groundbreaking. perfect. So Good 

and the GAMEPLAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh my GOD i was SO vibing with it, the difficulty curve was kinda extreme imo but as soon as i started like. Getting It? and started looking at each room less like combat/fighting and more like a puzzle that needed to be solved it made it so much easier 2 get into the headphase of ‘okay how do i clear this’ and it was just like. YOOOOOOOO

and zero is just a lot of fun 2 play as. legitimately everything about him is just so ridiculous. his dialogue options? ridiculous. his design? absurd. the implications that hes like. 22 and just having the worst 10 days of his life? mood, buddy. this guy likes samurai movies and card games and mushroom pizza and has worn the same outfit every single day for who knows how long and hes also a war veteran, an emotionless serial killer and a drug addict. and hes 22 and 5′10. literally NOTHING about those traits make sense together but here he is, just Vibing. 

i love him so much. im going to make a self insert oc that’s just giving him a friend who knows how to cook n is just like ‘oh wow, that’s rough buddy’ when hes like ‘i only feel alive when i kill people’ and conveniently knows how 2 get bloodstains out of things bc i think he needs that kind of person in his life since his like. therapist is conspiring against him n he keeps having 2 kill his friends 

also, unfortunately, i want to get every achievement, which i feel like is going to become hld....2!! where i get all but 1 of them and am stuck at 96% for 2+ years >:T

[carotriesstudy]

When you’re not doing well at uni and failing

okay, i know im not the best at keeping this blog bc its like not a physical thing so i forget i have it lol

but i wanted to just talk a little and vent bc of my life is pretty shit atm (the tips at the start are written post rant to actually give some advice instead of just venting)

Tip 1 - get out of bed

I know its hard, I could spend my life in bed and tbh I do. but I also know that while it feels like taking care of yourself to relax, I know it’ll make me more depressed. and it's super hard. I constantly tell myself to get up while lying there an entire day. but when you feel that little spur of energy or in my case annoyance lol use it. get up and get out. 

Tip 2 - get out of your room

this is similar to tip 1 but if you find yourself in lack of motivation or energy go somewhere. take a walk, or go study in a library or cafe. and this can be even harder. having to get dressed? maybe interact with people? are you kidding me? but the minute you get out and even when you interact with people it feels better. you aren't holed up in your depression or whatever might be bothering you. 

Tip 3 - it’s okay and it’s going to be better

right now it's shit. and it feels like its never going to get better. and that you're stuck in this rut forever. but things will turn even if you don't want them to. there can be a comfort and security in your depression bc it gives a reason to why it feels like its right. but you know what also feels like that? the good, and hopefully there will be more of those. 

Tip 4 - do as much as you can handle

it's easy to not do things. I haven't done anything all semester. and it sucks bc it's biting me in the ass now. and it's not like I don't have the time. I just don't have the energy. so when I have the energy I need to remember that reading 3 pages of assigned reading is still better than none. I go to class even if I'm not paying attention bc it gets me up and out but also it gives a good idea of what I need to focus on etc.

Tip 5 - its okay to “give up”

i dont like the phrase giving up that much bc it sounds like defeat. i am in a process of severly considering not starting again next semester bc of my mental health. its serious consideration. but its one i need to make and if i decide not to go, it doesnt mean i gave up, i just realised that my current situation iisnt good and that i need to change stuff before i can continue instead of wasting my time doing a shit job at an expensive uni. so, thats good. figuring out what works and what doesnt is only a positive thing

today im in a somewhat good mood despite learning i failed my stats exam (dw its not bad we have multiple so i can still pass)

but the thing is, i have been in a very bad place or a long time and it has really been affecting me and by extension also my education.

i feel apathetic towards everything, im uninterested, and the stress and obligatoin feel i used to really on to study isnt kicking in anymore due to the apathy

im constantly tired, i cant get out o bed in the morning and we have madatory attendance (which probably is good bc otherwise i wouldnt be going to class probably)

my concentration and attention is somewhere completely different atm and its been weeks like this (usually its a few days) and i cant control it very well and its making it hard for me to study and pay attention

im letting myself slip, my room is slipping, my health is slipping

while im trying to get better and be more social which is easier than studying bc usually its just me and this one friend getting high and watching stupid videoes which is nice bc its a break to feel happy and entertained but its also not good for me

back to school stuff since this is a study blog

im no doing good in any of my classes, i barely passed two exams, failed one and possibly one more

i have an exam on friday i need to study for, and one on monday. i neeed good grades in these to make up for the not so good marks i have received before

and while i know that taking care of your mental health is more important not feeling like doing academic work is bothering me a lot actually and its a hellish circle of poor mental health leads to poor academic performance which then leads to poor mental health

and while my apathy and alexithymia saves me from feeling sad or upset by my grades i know deep down i want to do well. i want to succeed. 

i cant keep not working, i need to put in work if i wanna improve. this isnt high school anymore

im doing some hard courses this semester and while i am usually interested in most of them i cant seem to care 

im doing better today mentally and i feel up for getting some stuff done so im going to exploit that but i also just want to sleep and wake up feeling actually awake for once

im also getting sick so thats fun

my parents are also making me see a therapist (i haven't started yet) and i think thats a good idea but i have a lot of anxiety about it lol hence why i need therapy 

im also going to talk to counsellor at school and see what she can help with as well

idk what id going to happen but im trying to finish my semester and get back into a good study rhythm. I anyone wants to throw some advice or encouragement my way id really appreciate it.

[thisdiscontentedwinter]

submission: To the SJW anon

After reading your lengthier post, I really wanted to respond. I’ve been there and wanted to offer some advice. (To DW: hopefully it’s okay to submit this via you! Thank you for being a place where people can discuss stuff like this.) DW is right about your viewpoint on men. You’re not wrong for feeling like that, because cheating is shitty behaviour and no one wants to be cheated on or even to face the prospect of being cheated on. Definitely not. However, it’s important to get a good perspective, to connect with reality and know that even though you feel this way and it’s definitely understandable, it’s not a universal truth, you know? I don’t know what to say to you that will help you with that. I struggle a lot with trusting men, but it helps me to remind myself there are good people out there too, that the world is more complex than just my own perception of it, and I have full control over who I hang out with. Therapy also helped a LOT. So explore your options and see what might help you. Struggling despite being good: I hear that. Oh yeah. I see two parts to what you said: 1) seeing others succeed despite being ‘bad’, and 2) struggling despite behaving in line with your principles. Regarding 1) what others do is not your problem and has no reflection on you. It’s monumentally frustrating to see other people behaving badly and not receive consequences, but the reality is that you cannot control them. They are different people who aren’t living by what you think is correct, and you aren’t seeing the full extent of their lives anyway. You don’t see the full picture - do you know for sure they aren’t suffering consequences for their actions? Famous people keep the really shitty consequences hidden, and for good reason. Their lives are theirs and not yours. How is comparing their success/lives to yours helping you? This may sound harsh, but imo you have to stop caring. Other people will always do shitty things - the world is full of asshole people doing asshole things, and there is nothing you can do to stop that. Taking on that burden of caring about it is the path to madness. It is not bad to wipe your hands of people you’ve never met and will never meet. It really isn’t. (Reminder that the world is also full of kind, wonderful people doing wonderful things, and that’s really where attention should go, if you’re going to care about what other people do.) Regarding 2) life is a struggle, and operates independently of morals and virtue. I’m still wrestling with the idea that despite my best efforts, my life isn’t perfect, and probably never will be. I’m not sure where this expectation came from, tbh, that life will somehow be better if I behave well (religion?). It got better once I outlined what I actually cared about and put efforts towards those things. I found, actually, it can help to let go of certain 'good’ ideas - if you do it, you’ll see the sky doesn’t fall in and it doesn’t actually affect that much. If that doesn’t sound helpful, maybe better advice would be to step back and understand what you can actually affect and change. It is very difficult to behave in line with your principles when everyone around you is acting differently - so be very clear on what those principles are, and where you draw lines with them. Choose what you care about and focus on those. Like DW said, you as an individual cannot change everything. You can’t change Hollywood, your country, or the world. Figure out what you can do that makes a difference that matters to you, and do that instead. When you’re doing something that makes sense to YOU, then the rewards are there and are immediate. You’re not waiting for someone to recognise what you’re doing and rewarding you for it, you’re making yourself happy by doing what you actually want and feel is right. (The prodigal son tale is a bullshit story, but a better take on it would be that if the first son actually wanted to be there with his dad doing the right thing, then he would’ve been happy the entire time because he was doing what he wanted and what he felt was right - it would have been its own reward. That’s probably a very Stoic take on it though lol). I will also say that a lot of the discourse around inequality and injustice that I see online is American-centric. You said you’re from another country. I am not American either and certain nuances bug the hell out of me - just because things are a certain way in the USA doesn’t mean it’s exactly the same in other places. To give a deliberately vague example: racism is a universal concept and reality, but it manifests differently in other countries. Certain things have happened in the US that haven’t happened in other places (and certain things have happened in other countries that don’t happen in the US), so I sometimes find it irritating when Americans word things as though their experiences of certain issues like racism are universally true and apply all around the world. I’m not trying to diminish their issues at all - there’s a lot of shit going on and it needs to be addressed and discussed. (By them.) It’s important to recognise what concepts and issues are actually relevant and helpful to you and your life. Judging your country by American standards and inequality discourse just may not be that helpful in some situations. I don’t know if that’s what you’ve been doing, or if that’s your situation, but I wanted to make that point just in case. You sound like an intelligent and considerate person. Like DW said, you also sound like you have compassion overload. It’s very true that you can’t take care of other people and other things if you don’t look after yourself. No one is perfect. There are great people who have done extraordinary things for humanity, yet have been horrible in other parts of their lives - especially when viewed through the lens of time. Does that outweigh the benefits they’ve brought? It’s up to you to decide. No one can ever be perfect - and that includes you. It’s okay if you fuck up sometimes, because we all do. Sometimes we don’t act in line with our principles because life just doesn’t allow it. Shit happens. Priorities shift and change. What’s considered morally right nowadays will be different in twenty years’ time. It’s up to you to do decide what’s important to you. Don’t let others make that decision for you. My advice (like you haven’t had enough unsolicited advice in this post, right?!?!) is to step back and process things. Connect with yourself and maybe try therapy. Figure out what works for you and keep that in mind as you use the internet and go through your day. Being compassionate with yourself is paramount - and it’s not bad or selfish to put yourself first, it’s essential in this online environment. Putting yourself first also =/= being an uncaring asshole. Far from it. You can care about yourself

and

others. Balance is key to everything.

DW: Thank you for your perspective!

[theblowsyouveinventedandblamed]

Part One: Ableism

TW for: abuse, ableism

So. Some of you may have seen posts about me that were written by my ex-boyfriend/datemate, Ezri (tumblr user @regal-roman and @panpunksexual).

The first post (https://regal-roman.tumblr.com/post/170845546062/he-was-abusive-i-know-he-couldnt-help-that-he)

[Transcript: He was abusive. I know he couldn’t help that he had mental illness, just like I can’t help that I do.

But his illness hurt other people. His illness hurt me all the time. But no matter how many times I asked, he would never get treatment so he wouldn’t hurt me anymore.

I am not ableist. I don’t believe that I’m better than him because I don’t have the illness he has. I wouldn’t mind him having his illness at all if he weren’t hurting other people.

If you are hurting other people because of your mental illness, it is your responsibility to get treatment so you no longer harm others. Victims should not have to accept abuse just because the perpetrators were mentally ill.]

To begin with, the “illness” they are talking about? Dissociative Identity Disorder [DID]. According to the DSM-5 [Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorder, Fifth Edition] DID is diagnosed through five criteria. For efficiency’s sake we will only be focusing on the first criteria (criteria A) which is detailed as followed: “A. Disruption of identity characterized by two or more distinct personality states, which may be described in some cultures as an experience of possession. The disruption of marked discontinuity in sense of self and sense of agency, accompanied by related alterations in affect, behavior, consciousness, memory, perception, cognition, and/or sensory-motor functioning. These signs and symptoms may be observed by others or reported by the individual.” [Information taken from: http://traumadissociation.com/dissociativeidentitydisorder#dsm5, further reading can be done at: https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/dissociative-identity-disorder/dissociative-identity-disorder-did-dsm-5-criteria/]

The line “distinct personality states” is of significance here. Alters (also known as headmates or system members) are separate from the core/original. They are different people occupying the same space. Yes, there are alters known as fragments or shards that are not “complete” personalities, however out of a system of eleven only two of our members are fragments (Anya, a trauma holder and Frank, a protector, neither of whom can front independently). The other nine members of our system are fully formed and act independently of each other. For the purpose of this explanation we will however, not discuss certain members of our system for various reasons, largely because they never directly interacted with Ezri. They are as follows: Nina (a four to six year old child alter), Lucien (a 600 year old vampire priest), Harley (a fictive of Harley Quinn) as well as our fragments Frank (a fictive of Frank Castle, the Punisher) and Anya (a fictive of Anya from the 100). The alters that are important to our narrative are: Lucille (protector), L337 (protector), Gl!!tch/Glitch (protector), Luna (protector/headspace manager), AJAX (protector-ish) and ting (core).

I began my three-month altercation with Ezri on October 18th, 2017. They had known that I had DID and at first their general attitude about it was positive, even before we had begun dating.

[Transcript:

panpunksexual 09/27/2017 This is gonna sound dorky but the way I view you being a system is literally “well that means more friends”]

They continued to ask questions about it, claiming that they had a “pretty good understanding of it. The best I could get without being a system myself”

[Transcript: 

panpunksexual 10/24/2017 Did you ever think people wouldn’t want to date you because you’re a system? 

newt on a newt 10/24/2017 yeppp 

panpunksexual 10/24/2017 When I was first learning about it, I never thought it was weird and I still don’t. I was really curious about it, but I didn’t want to ask a bunch of questions and seem like [I] had a creepy fascination with it 

newt on a newt 10/24/2017 questions r good dw 

panpunksexual 10/24/2017 I think I have a pretty good understanding of it now. The best I can get without being a system myself I’m a pretty optimistic person, so I view it as just having more friends, even though I’m only dating you and not any of the others]

To continue with their claims about me, we come across the line “…his illness hurt other people.” No example of “other people” are given (likely because none can be found). My DID has never hurt anyone directly. My alters (predominantly L337, Gl!!tch and AJAX) have been rude or cruel to Ezri, which they should be held accountable for (even though they were simply attempting to defend me or themselves) and AJAX had previously caused me (and only me) physical harm but he is the only alter that has caused physical harm to anyone. Ezri continues with “But no matter how many times I asked, he would never get treatment so he wouldn’t hurt me anymore.” This is simply untrue, although the ‘treatment’ I am in may not be what he wanted.

If we look at this article by Natasha Tracy “DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER (DID) TREATMENT” [found here: https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/dissociative-identity-disorder/dissociative-identity-disorder-did-treatment-challenging/] a list of treatment options and goals are provided. Treatment options are:

[Transcript: Dissociative Identity Disorder Treatment Types

Dissociative identity disorder is primarily treated with psychotherapy of various types. According to the Cleveland Clinic, the following are DID therapy types:

Psychotherapy – often thought of as “talk therapy.” This DID therapy encourages communication of conflicts and insight into problems.

Cognitive therapy – involves changing dysfunctional thought patterns.

Family therapy – helps to educate the family about the disorder, recognize its presence as well as work through issues that have developed in the family because of dissociative identity disorder.

Creative therapies such as art or music therapy – allows the patient to explore thoughts, feelings and memories in a safe and creative way.]

Treatment goals are as follows:

[Transcript: Dissociative Identity Disorder Treatment Goals

There are many dissociative identity disorder treatment goals. The goals of DID treatment include ensuring the safety of the patient, symptom relief as well as:

“Reconnecting” all existing DID alters into one, well-functioning identity

Allowing the person to safely express and process painful memories

Developing new and healthy coping skills

Restoring functionality

Improving relationships]

We are in therapy and have been for the past two years, seeing a therapist weekly (Wednesday’s at 5:30) which has been beneficial to us and helped us with symptom relief, safety (AJAX no longer poses a threat to me), processing trauma, developing functionality and improving relationships. The only area that we do not, have not, and will not ‘work on’ is integration. Integration is the 'reconnection’ of alters and is not a healthy or tenable option for us and would cause us more harm than good at this point in our lives. Our therapist, a trained medical professional, agrees. Ezri, who is a teenager and not a trained medical professional, decided otherwise and considered it the only acceptable form of treatment and only valid form of treatment. Please note that the only reason they say I should get treatment (which I have been in for two years) is for their benefit, not mine, not anyone else’s. Just theirs.

The third paragraph states “I am not ableist. I don’t believe that I’m better than him because I don’t have the illness he has. I wouldn’t mind him having his illness at all if he weren’t hurting other people.” He begins saying that he is “not ableist” despite the numerous derogatory remarks he has made towards me and my system members about DID, frequently calling them less than human or not real, saying that he is “how things should be” and that we are not normal or less than human.

(Please note, during this conversation Lucille is fronting.)

[Transcript:

newt on a newt 12/11/2017 DID is caused by childhood trauma that is so severe that a child’s brain cannot handle it, causing the mind to splinter and break, forming a completely separate personality. 

panpunksexual 12/11/2017 Yes I know that. But Tyler thinks that you are all real people when you’re not  You’re just in his head. It’s all in his head 

newt on a newt 12/11/2017 “It’s all in his head” much in the same way you are in your own head. 

panpunksexual 12/11/2017 Yeah, but I’m only one person. That’s how things should be. And I don’t like getting worried one of you will make me cut myself again 

[Tyler’s note: no-one encouraged/told/made him self-harm, they told him not to. This is guilt-tripping.] 

Or that one day Tyler will disappear and not come back 

Nobody thinks about how all this makes me feel]

[Transcript:

panpunksexual 12/11/2017 If you’re not the original then you’re not real either]

(Note, the alter fronting here is Gl!!tch/Glitch, who has several typing quirks which I will transcribe as an original version and as a readable version) 

[Transcript: 

newt on a newt 12/12/2017 s0 y0u sxx l337 as lxss than human? [so you see L337 as less than human?] 

panpunksexual 12/12/2017 Yeah]

Ezri clearly seems to view DID/being a system as something that is unnatural and wrong, something to be “fixed” even when it is important to my survival. Their actions and words indicate and are proof of their ableism, which they are not exempt from just because they aren’t neurotypical. Having BPD/BD does not mean he cannot be prejudiced against other people.

“I wouldn’t mind him having his illness at all if he wasn’t hurting other people.” As said before, my DID hurt no one but Ezri and even then it was only a few people acting in defense of me, more comparable to your best friends telling someone who is hurting you to go fuck themself that to being hurt by an illness. “Other people” were not being hurt as anyone who is close to me can attest. They are attempting to use unnamed and made-up “other people” to back up their ungrounded accusations.

I agree with their final paragraph, however 'treatment’ should not just be for other people. Mentally ill people deserve therapy and help for themselves, they deserve to get better and feel loved and accepted. And yes, victims do not have to accept abuse simply because the perpetrators are mentally ill which is why I am no longer excusing Ezri’s actions.

Therefore, we will be presenting all of our evidence against the false accusations that Ezri has made on their blog (shown at the top). This evidence will be separated across multiple posts, and a masterpost will be made.

[super-rainbows]

mtnbvwsew

Rainbow: that’s honestly the worst thing I’ve ever seen in my fucking life.

Ethan: If it helps, most people agree with you.

Rainbow: no. I still want to throw up just knowing it exists.

Ethan: *hugs?*

Rainbow: <3 anyway, are you okay?

Ethan: Yeah, I think so. I don’t know.

Jamie: So I was kinda right about why you were scared. :P

Ethan: I guess. It seemed very overanalysing-ish and so on.

Jamie: Yeah, I get what you mean. I mean, I thought so too, which is why I let it go and was like “yeah you’re probably right” when you said it wasn’t that.

Ethan: But yeah, this all seems like it has to be fake. Why would actual mental health professionals act like the piq thing is actually bad or traumatic or worth caring about? Why would they not act like I’m being ridiculous? Why would they act like my reaction is valid and not disproportionate? It doesn’t make any sense and I feel like I must have misled them somehow. It just seems fake.

Jamie: Yeah, so that seems like you’re finding it hard to process or come to terms with.

Ethan: Probably ‘cause I’m not high enough. :P Oh, @.Rainbow: Sorry for being bad.

Rainbow: you’re not bad, dw. anyway, you took diet pills and stimulants so you probably more than compensated anyway.

Ethan: Anyway, so, why would I find it hard to process when I’ve already processed it before?

Jamie: Well, you did do most of the processing while high? So that could be it?

Ethan: Could that really be it?

Jamie: I think so.

Ethan: So what, I just have to start again? Over and over and over?

Jamie: Hopefully only once, after you get off codeine.

Ethan: Will it just be like going right back to when I was 13/14, or will be it like going back to when I was 16/17?

Jamie: I don’t know. I hope it’s neither.

Ethan: I know the addiction group facilitator said that addiction can kinda stop your emotional development from whenever you started. But since it was on and off and pretty short when I was 14/15, what would that count as?

Jamie: idk, maybe subtract one year for that? So when you were 17 you would’ve been stuck at like 16? But then once you hit 18 you would’ve been stuck at 17ish, and then stayed that way.

Ethan: Hmm. I feel about 18, like that’s the oldest age it doesn’t confuse me to say.

Rainbow: but then we also have trauma and autism to take into account. in terms of coping mechanisms though, I see you going back to 13/14. as in, somewhere between @.% and “some fucked up mix of literally everything”. but maybe the dbt will help with that?

Ethan: I don’t know. I’m scared of coming off codeine and I don’t want to, but I also want to just come off it and get it over with as soon as possible so I can be allowed do the other therapies.

Jamie: I think going too fast would be detrimental, though.

Rainbow: oh yeah, this is irrelevant, but I love ___’s wifi password! I know you said you’d (we’d, I guess) try and forget it, but it’s just so great. xD it’s like my and Jamie’s passwords, or yours for playstation network.

Ethan: Not exactly, but yeah, I like it. :P And I’ve forgotten the corresponding email address (or hopefully will soon), so it’s probably okay.

Ethan: I guess I should try and do the java thing.

Jamie: Yeah, if you want/can.

Ethan: I just need to write something that’ll check if it’s solvable. But how am I meant to do that?

Rainbow: didn’t they give you code for that? for figuring out if it was an “odd” or “even” permutation?

Ethan: I guess. Oh, I get what they mean by “inversions” now! They mean within the same array, not compared to a different one. So within the same array, how many lower-index numbers are greater than higher-index numbers. That’s literally it. This is great! That should hopefully be really easy to do, so then after that all I’ll need to do is the documentation part, which I don’t totally understand.

Rainbow: seems like it’s just write about what your program does?

Ethan: I assume for the solvability part, I can just shove that into the “board” class?

Rainbow: I don’t see why not. oh yeah, do you know which gaidhlig things you don’t have?

Ethan: No. My bag is a mess of papers, and I haven’t got the printer set up anyway.

Rainbow: it’s not like you’re gonna sleep soon anyway. you took like a 5 hour nap and then took caffeine pills.

Ethan: I just won’t bother doing them, and/or figure it out tomorrow. I’ll live without getting 100% on coursework. *suspicion*

Rainbow: it’s okay, you’re good. you know that, and we know that. I will say that I don’t think cutting words into yourself has any practical use, like nobody can even see them or anything, but I have no room to say anything, lol.

Ethan: Yeah, but I know they’re there. That’s the point. And also that I wanted to hurt myself, though it didn’t hurt very much.

Rainbow: hmm. the amount of blood was kinda concerning. part of the L looked kinda deep.

Ethan: Nah, it’s fine. I mean, you see them now. They stopped bleeding pretty quickly and closed fully and everything. 

Rainbow: I guess.

Ethan: I didn’t intend to do both, but only having a word on one leg was asymmetrical and I didn’t like it, and I hadn’t been sure which one to do, anyway.

Jamie: Hmm. :/ What exactly is a good way for you to try and get to the point of being like, “the things that happened were bad and wrong, and the way I feel about them and reacted to them is valid” etc?

Ethan: I don’t know.

Jamie: I guess it’s a rhetorical question, really.

Rainbow: isn’t that the whole point of counselling?

Ethan: But I’ve been told those things by lots of people before. Why would being told them by different people be different somehow? Why would the hundredth or whatever time suddenly be the time that I don’t fail to understand it properly?

Jamie: *shrugs* idk, it’s therapy, isn’t it their job to convince you of things like that? I guess?

Ethan: Ugh, there’s a DCLRS this week. Oh, isn’t the assignment due at noon (on Friday)? Ideally I’ll work on it tomorrow and Thursday and hopefully finish it before Friday anyway.

Rainbow: Martha’s gonna be here a week from Friday. try and remember that. :P so yeah, Friday’s a lot of things, but mostly it’s the day that, a week later, she’ll be here.

Ethan: <3

Rainbow: you should really go to bed soon, btw.

Ethan: I guess. I have to be up at 7am, right? But I did sleep earlier.

Rainbow: yeah, but I don’t think it really works like that.

Ethan: *shrugs* Oh well.

Rainbow: if you wanna do gaidhlig stuff tomorrow that might be a good idea. if the wifi works and if you can figure out which ones you don’t have.

Ethan: I’m not sure if any of them were assignments. I might just ask in the group chat if there is or was anything due.

Rainbow: yeah, but they don’t know which classes you have or haven’t skipped, and you don’t even know that. it doesn’t matter or anything, so please don’t worry, but yeah. are you okay?

Ethan: Yeah. Are you?

Rainbow: yeah, for now, lol.

Ethan: I’ll try to block off anything bad from you.

Rainbow: you shouldn’t upset yourself like this.

Ethan: I don’t care. The feelings don’t exist unless I’m feeling them. I need to know that it’s there or valid.

Rainbow: I get it. I just don’t want you to be hurt or anything.

Ethan: I know. I’m sorry. I’m apologising for yelling and scaring you in general, by the way.

Rainbow: yeah I got that, lol. it’s okay, I don’t hold it against you. it would be too complicated to try, but you know I’ve been super easily upset by everything recently so I really don’t think you’re the problem. if ygm

Ethan: Yeah. But still, I never want to make you hurt or sad or scared, so I am sorry.

Rainbow: and I know that. we’re at kind of an impasse or whatever since I know you do care and don’t want to upset either of us and do stop yelling when we ask, but I also don’t like it when you yell and hit your phone etc, but I also know it would be hard for you to not do or even think anything at all in response to being upset. so... idk what the solution is there.

Ethan: If you really think both sides equal, then we can both just try halfway. As in, I can try to stop yelling at objects, and if you really think it’s bad for you to be upset by that you could try and not be? But I don’t think it is. I think it’s like the way I get upset whenever my mum is drunk. Like yeah, technically she’s allowed be drunk if she wants to, but she knows it upsets me and keeps doing it anyway.

Rainbow: hmm. yeah, I think it is kinda like that, except getting drunk requires a lot more time and effort than yelling at something in your head. I can’t just ask you to never think in a loud or angry/frustrated tone ever. so yeah, I really don’t know. anyway this is irrelevant so I don’t wanna keep talking about it.

Ethan: If you’re sure. You know, both of you are pretty much the only people I’m willing to try anything like “conflict resolution” or “communication” or “dealing with problems” with. :P

Rainbow: lol. yeah, we know.

Ethan: I guess because “never talk to you again ever” isn’t really an option, and neither is “make sure to never do/mention the thing again”, or at least it’s not easy since it’s a thought as opposed to anything else. As in, if something’s an action then at least there’s kind of a filter since the idea would have to go from my mind to my body, or something. But since it’s in our head that isn’t really there. I know there’s a difference between purposeful thoughts and non-purposeful ones, but it’s more that it’s extremely difficult to keep it away from you or to not do it.

Rainbow: yeah. I guess maybe if you could try and hesitate enough to ask if you can yell at your phone or whatever, and/or to warn us right before it so we can either be prepared or try to mute you.

Ethan: That’s probably the best solution, so I’ll try and do that.

Rainbow: cool. also go to bed soon.

Ethan: I feel so blank and numb and fake.

Rainbow: please go to bed soon, seriously.

Ethan: I know.

Rainbow: don’t hurt yourself or anything.

Ethan: I know I literally upset myself, but still.

Rainbow: it’s okay. anyway, please go to bed. you need to be up in like 4 hours, right?

Ethan: Yeah. But I feel awful and I don’t want to do anything ever. I just want to scream and die.

Rainbow: usually I’m inclined to be like “okay” but you only have phonetics or whatever it is once a week, and it’s the first class of the speech science part.

Ethan: Yeah. I’m not gonna not go to it. I know I should go to bed. I just feel so awful.

Rainbow: :/ I’m sorry (sympathy). *hugs*

Ethan: It’s fine. It doesn’t matter.