#when's my next therapy appointment?

[the-spoingus-show]

my current project: jump forever!

this is the first of those scheduled posts i mentioned earlier!!! i figured i would start by talking about my current project - that way i can start posting updates about it without confusing you, Michael. The next post is gonna be about the beginning of this whole Godot thing i've been on, and then i'm thinking about maybe doing a Before Godot post as a bonus once i've talked about all my godot stuff (i love saying this as if anybody cares (besides you, Michael)). setting all that aside, though: this one's gonna need some backstory, so you should buckle in.

around this time last year, me and my little cousin (he's still in high school, but we've always been pretty close) got really competitive about a little game called Jump Forever. it's a side minigame from WarioWare Mega Microgames (the GBA one) where you just jump over a little rope until you fuck up. it's really fucking fun as an addictive little mobile game, and with a quick lil emulator it was one. thus, the addiction began.

truth be told, the phase last year didn't even last that long, but i had a long bus ride a couple of weeks ago and found myself opening the GBA emulator on my phone to pass the time. that led to a little bit of playing at home, which led to beating my cousin's score, which led to getting even more into the game than i was before. as our scores get higher, we've turned to better controllers than a phone touch screen for serious record attempts - i use a ds lite i had lying around (that i reshelled! it was very fun) and he emulates on pc with a controller (i think). this got me thinking about a potential "definitive edition" of the game - probably still on mobile, but with controller support, better touch controls (the game only needs <-, ->, and A!), faster resets, selectable skins, and maybe even unlockable skins? of course, when i finished my work on fnaf (ooh foreshadowing), my sights were immediately set on a Jump Forever remake.

with all that said, welcome to the game as it currently stands! at the moment, i've got wario, the rope swingers, and the score all just about set up, with one exception; the characters have collision, the rope swings (at varying speeds, even!), and wario's speed and physics feel very accurate - but i'm still working on the ai (if you can call it that) of the rope guys as they walk back and forth. i want it to work exactly the same way as it does in the original but i always overthink random mechanics like this. hopefully the next update i give will be about how i cracked it! even if the implementation ends up jank, though, it wouldn't be the first: the rope guys check if wario is too close to them to make it over the rope with an Area2D that just checks for wario when the rope hits the ground. it works! i could just like check wario's position in the code (and it'd probably be way more efficient), but this way just... works.

i still have a buncha crap i still gotta implement before the game's even really playable - the walking ai, the title screen, the little "Ready?" animation, etc. - but that's only the beginning of my work. firstly, i'm probably gonna enlist chloe (oooh foreshadowing) to help me out by drawing some new assets (if she's free, it is finals season), and then changing the game's native resolution from 240x160 (the GBA screen) to something not fucking insane. i've got "reworking all the sprites into easy to read spritesheets" on my to-do list, and after that, making the new assets (and then maybe the skins?) will be as easy as drag & drop. once it's got the new assets and all the polish that needs to come with a shiny new resolution, i'm gonna transition into the next phase - researching how to release a game!!!

[hi, not to ruin my own amazing transition but: it's 5am and i'm running back to edit this because i completely forgot to mention that i have currently implemented a 2 frame input delay on all inputs, because that's how the emulator appears to behave when i go frame by frame. every single day i rethink this decision more and more. surely there's no way that's how it's supposed to be, right? but i feel so weird changing it now!!! i definitely fucking have to though. next time i work on it. ok anyways]

now. i've posted games to itch.io before. but even then, i kind of fucked it up (i could never get the resolution of my web games to work right???) - so it's no surprise i've always been completely daunted by the idea of "releasing a game". when you post it on real stores, that's when it becomes... real. i'm excited about the new challenges it'll pose, though! now, a mobile release means a couple of things - bite sized fun, simple progression, and fun customization. i've already got the first part nailed down, and i figured i could nail the other 2 at once with a currency system based on how many points you get (or maybe even an xp system? that goes up 1 for each jump? maybe even both???) and skins (purchasable with said currency) that let you customize the player, rope swingers, background, and maybe even the rope itself.

pictured above is my stupid ass skins mockup (i literally just made this). the rope is rainbow, the background has a snow effect and a bunch of snow on the trees/ground (isn't it great?), wario is a lil version of the rope guys, and the rope guys have santa hats. i'm not sure how many different ropes you could really make with how i'm planning the rope to move, so i'll probably end up prototyping the graphics with chloe to figure out how to lay out the sprite sheets, and if they should actually have a seperate hand-grabbing-the-rope sprite for skin purposes. it'll definitely make things really confusing, but if i go for a mobile release i don't want to run ads, and so a currency you can buy with real money (and maybe one or two goofy supporter skins that cost real money, like a solid gold guy or something, as a form of donation) is a good way to make a lil bit of money from people who like the game.

all of this is fun to think about, but it's important to remember that the next thing i have to do is that walking ai. i've gotta Make The Fucking Game before i can do all this crazy other bullshit. i'm sure the ui design for all this is gonna be soooo fun, but i need a game to attach it to first :p

this went on reeeally long but i figure if this is a dev diary or w/e it's gonna end up running long no matter what, and the more info, the more i have to look back on fondly and say "oh shit, i know exactly when this was!", which is kind of the end goal of the project. of course, these incredibly long posts about shit that only matters to me are also incredible content for you, Michael, so i'm sure you're just eating this shit up. enjoy, you weird little man.

[scrawnyghstts]

can't believe I dared to say that Wyll Ravengard has commitment issues while I was the one that was so scared to click the "let's talk about 'us'" dialogue option because I wanted to respect his word and was so scared to mess things up ONLY TO FIND OUT IT'S THE OPTION TO KISS HIM WHENEVER YOU WANT OMFG

[heartbreakfeelsogood]

whatever i’m quitting therapy

[rvbrestoration]

Tired. Sad. My head hurts. Stressed??? No time to really relax at all. And my country about to be taken over by the literal devil and there is no counting on anything after that.

[the-casbah-way]

i found loads of pictures of my uncle i am going 2 cry

[fortunechaos]

Having a bad time but not for the perfectly good reason to be having a bad time and instead for infinitely stupider reasons.

[apologyacceptedcaptainneeda]

Random stranger on the internet: *sees my mental health related post* You need to seek emergency services!

Me: wait what…

Random stranger: you should call the crisis line or go to the hospital!

Me: why?

Random stranger: your post shows you’re actively in crisis! Seek help!

Me: let me think about it for a second… naw

Random stranger: but you need help!

Me: for my every day feelings? For my typical levels of urges and thoughts and actions? No I’m not going

[sophiethewitch1]

If it's not obvious I have a poor relationship with the concept of rest and recovery

[snowfea]

Before my parents left for three years, leaving me alone in France when I had just turned eighteen, I felt like they didn't listen to me, didn't really understand when I told them I was in pain (which, also, if the pain was there before they left, that is chronic pain indeed).

Tonight my mom cleaned my kitchen for me, because at lunch I told her I wanted to do it, needed to do it, but physically couldn't, as my hands, back, legs, and everything, were acting up.

She just started doing it without saying a word, just asking if I had more dishsoap.

[tortademaracuya]

Now I have way too much energy and still find no joy in anything ^_^

[crabs-nonsense]

Holy shit! I just realized the reason I couldn't fucking see darker art on my phone screen is because I forgot I turned the brightness way down last night and never fixed it. I feel so stupid.

[regular-lord-reckoner]

a hospice nurse came out yesterday to talk to us and give us the run down of everything

she was nice and i think she's going to be his case manager while other nurses actually come out to check on him, but as soon as she left she was already putting in the orders for some medicines to help calm him and for a hospital bed and all of that

our dining table is kinda in the corner of the living room by the window so my mom and i already cleared all that out so we can put the bed there and that way he'll be right in the middle of everything and won't feel like he's just stuffed in the corner like he is in the bedroom

i kept going to just sit next to him yesterday and be by his side whenever my mom needed to go make him dinner or show the hospice nurse around because he didn't want to be alone

he was a lot more clear yesterday than he was the past couple of days and we had some very frank conversations about all of this which is good, but last night he had an anxiety attack and could barely breathe

my mom almost had to call hospice in because she didn't think he was going to make it but she managed to get him calmed down and settled

he was actually sitting up in his chair in the living room this morning but he pretty quickly had to move to the couch because he's just too tired

she and i talked this morning and i asked her how long she thinks he may have because i was thinking months maybe but she said we'll be lucky if he makes it to his birthday which is the 25th so that's...rough

she said there's just no fight left in him and his doctors are even talking about discontinuing a bunch of his meds and stuff

just...yeah.

i mean, i knew it was going to happen at some point, but i really didn't think it would be like...now. right now.

there still might be a chance he can turn this around and i think it's fucking crazy because i swear to god just like a week ago he was out on the back porch on the exercise bike, albeit he wasn't killing it on the fucking thing, but like...still

for a few minutes he was sitting and peddling a little and could walk back to his chair without a cane or using his wheelchair as a walker, he was able to make his own lunch and get himself a cup of coffee, at one point i even remember i was standing behind him just in case but he was scooting through the house like, "look at me go" and now it's like he's on death's door and i've heard this happens, it's not uncommon for people to do a big upswing right before the end where it seems like, "oh, okay, nice!!" and even his reports from his tests were looking fine, everything was seemingly okay but now i don't know anymore

i guess we'll just take each day at a time. my mom's going to see how this weekend goes but more than likely she's going to take another break from work and said she'd just go without pay, she just can't fathom being at fucking work and he ends up passing and i don't blame her a bit. since i work from home i think i'll try to still work as much as i can but ive got at least two weeks worth of pto already stored up and ready to go and whenever it's time, if it's next week or a month from now or whenever i'll just take that and fuck work

i just hate this so fucking much and i hate seeing him like this. i hate knowing that this is upsetting him but of course it fucking is. i hate knowing that he's scared. i hate so much about this but i guess there's no choice and i'm going to try to put on a brave face and do the best i can and that's that

[newlyy]

Great news! I have no plans for the rest of the month.

[invisibleoctopus]

well its been a week since my psychiatrist told me to take zoloft in the morning instead of at night like ive been doing for literal years because "it wakes most people up its an antidepressant" like no it definitely makes ME tired and want to sleep. my sleeping issues were DEFINITELY worse this past week. it being much easier to fight the tiredness when i take my night meds. taking my morning meds and crashing instead of just going back to sleep.

i dont think ive ever had a SINGLE psychiatrist that ive felt like they Listened to me. especially this one im seeing. like every single problem i tell him i have hes like 'i see what youre saying but youre wrong about your problems you need therapy and i need to increase ur anxiety meds" like I GET that i need therapy but im LITERALLY TELLING HIM WHY I STAY UP LATE AT NIGHT (the stress) and hes like 'no its because the meds arent working :)'

[j-crow]

im getting therapy who cheered‼️‼️🎉🎉🎉

[fruity-legos]

I think I'm going insane