#just gained a topic for my next therapy appointment | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

thelikesoffinn · 1 year ago

Note

Hey! 🎄✨️ I have a unrelated question, if that is alright. I'm not sure if you mentioned this already but in your meta you said that you are a social worker and have experience with refugees, youths and children but what exactly did you work as? And what is your job right now? Sorry if I come off creepy but I graduate soon and I'm thinking of becoming a social worker so I'm trying to get some information. Please ignore me if thats weird!(Love your posts btw!)

Hello there, dear!

Don't worry - it's not a weird question at all. Social Work can be very opaque and foggy at the first glance, because the field is so huge and it varies so strongly from country to country.

I'll gladly tell you what I've done so far and I'll add an obligatory warning: I'll likely mention rape, abuse, teen pregnancy, and bullying, so please be careful!

My very first job was actually as a substitute teacher and supervisor for children aged 6 - 10. I didn't work there for a long time because my colleagues where a huge pile of shit but the work itself was pretty straight forward and nice - hang around with the kids, make sure they don't kill each other and , if I had to sub lessons, teach them exactly what their teacher told me to.

Next I worked at a refugee bureau. Clients from all over the world - but mostly the middle east and asia - would come to see me whenever they needed a helping hand. I had to accompany them to appointments all over - with doctors, the court, teachers, job interviews, yada yada yada so that I could help translate and what not.

Apart from that, I'd help with their mail, with doing their taxes, submitting applications, finding work, doctors, refugee centers, flats - anything a person could need to get settled in a country.

After that, I worked as an advisor for teenagers who didn't want to go to school anymore. (In my country, children have to go to school until a certain age. Otherwise, they'll either be fined or, if it gets too much, they'll be forced to do community service or youth jail.)

Essentially, my job there was to find out why they didn't want to go to school and offer them a safe space to spend time without getting into problems. If they were old enough, we'd help them apply for jobs or whatever else they wanted.

But that sounds easier than it was. Most of those kids were pretty heavily traumatised and didn't trust adults, so getting to the point where they would talk took a LOT of work. Teenagers are difficult to handle as is and if they have further issues, it just gets harder.

Many of them were violent - verbally and physically - and addicted to all sorts of substances. We had some teen-moms - some because they were raped and others because they didn't use protection - and a whole lot of delinquency.

Some of them didn't have parents - either because they were orphaned or because cps separated them - and virtually none of them had good parents.

And, I'm saying it now: I hated this job so much. It was really difficult, we had little funding so the pay was a joke and I was extremely tired and drained all the time.

(And teens are really difficult for me. I just can't relate to them, so I really had to try so hard to get good footing. I still tried hard, and I did get there eventually, but it was really so draining.)

After that one, I had to take a break because of burnout - yay. But since I can't handle doing nothing, I took a few extra courses on topics I liked - autism, abuse victims, borderline personality disorder, systemic therapy, dissociative identity disorder, early childhood development, communal law and more - and later I got an extra license as a psychosocial support in criminal trials.

I just finished the latter, and over the course of this license program, I had to work a few cases to gain experience - basically, I was tasked with protecting the victim of a crime. My job was to make sure that the victims rights were protected - courts tend to be really insensitive and forceful, which can hurt the client even more and traumatise them further - and that the case was handled with care. On top of that, I was to make sure that the client/victim understood what was happening and why it was happening.

If, for some reason, the perpetrator wanted to contact the victim, I'd be the first hurdle. Any contact was organised and acquiesced by me first and the client second. If the client wants to contact the perpetrator, I was the one to organise that meeting or that exchange.

That job is really exhausting and difficult, and I will 100% never do it full time because it worsened my burnout but I really liked studying it nonetheless.

This week, I started working part-time as a kindergarten teacher. I really love it and I really missed working with children - it's been so long! It's low stakes, mid stress so it's great to get back into after a burnout and, to be totally honest...I just needed to see some happy faces. Seeing the children smile every day is such a nice feeling.

And that's it for now, I think! I had some smaller gigs in between, but that were so many I can hardly remember them all.

And I know this is probably not the positive "go do it!" type of thing you wanted to hear and I'm sorry, flower. But if you consider this job, you'll have to make sure to understand this:

Social Work isn't easy.

It is incredibly hard work and you'll see a lot of misery. You'll see people that are all types of broken, burdened by all types of things. You'll meet people who survived things no one should have to experience - bullying, abuse, attempted suicide or murder, fucking wars - and came out the other side not unscathed but alive.

Those people will come to see you, battered and bruised, because they need your help.

And you will not be able to help all of them. Most, yes, but not all. You'll lose some of them along the way, and you'll have to live with that.

It is a lot, and if you're not in the right place yourself; if you're not taking proper care of yourself, you will drown.

But it's not all doom and gloom out here! Seeing your clients come back to life, helping them find their way, and actually seeing all your effort bear fruits is where it's at. That's the shit and that's why I'm here.

Despite all the misery, it's still a very rewarding job and, even if I could go back, I wouldn't change anything. I'd still choose to do this, and I'd still be here clawing my way back after a burnout, because this is what I'm good at.

Helping people is my jam, and if it's yours - welcome to the ranks!

#but please god be mindful #listen to yourself #take care of yourself #take breaks #don't be me #don't overwork yourself #take a chill pill every once in a while #classic do as i say not as i do

0 notes

caffeinated-chaos-bean · 1 year ago

Note

Heya Bean! How are you doing?

I'm doing better than I was!! I shoulda made an update, but I just haven't. No real reason, I just never did. o:

My mom finally got her SSI income, so I'm no longer the sole provider of the household. I also FINALLY clawed my way out of my old job after 5 years worth of trying. The tips you get in a food service position may be nice, but the shit you put up with in order to gain those tips are NOT worth it. I'm finally out of there and no longer a barista, despite my love for coffee. I'm still with the casino I worked for, but its a whole different department outright. I'm now considered part of security working as a dispatcher. So long to the days of being told I "work slower than the r*tarded people at McDonalds" by the entitled bingo ladies and drug addicts. :'D

I'm also finally seeing a proper therapist and psychiatrist for my anxiety and depression (mainly the anxiety, since it's the worst). I'm on two medications for that now and can say it has helped. I do still suffer from Trichotillomania, and have pinpointed that I go for the sides of my head and one specific spot in the upper back when it happens. I've been doing some research on it and I may bring it up to my primary doctor because there MIGHT be a way to help get me to stop through the use of topical steroids for the scalp, a specific type of medical shampoo, and oral steroids. I do have itchiness along with the Trichotillomania, regardless of how often or how little I wash my hair, so that's how I found out about this option. I included the itch.

And I have a new, better primary doctor. She's finally getting my health in check unlike my previous one. She could tell (aside from my bloodwork) just by looking at my fingers that I was severely anemic. B12 shots are set up for the next 6 months and I had X-rays and an EKG done for my heart palpitations. I'm in the process of scheduling an appointment with their hematology department to get more specific bloodwork done and set up an iron infusion to see if I can benefit from it. I honestly really think I can trust this doctor despite only having had ONE appointment with her thus far. I see her again in the next two weeks as a follow-up for all of this.

There's also some plans for Halloween. I won't say what, but... just know this blog isn't dead. I'm always here, lurking. I just don't have energy due to the severe anemia. Well, also with all the medical appointments and physical therapy for my wrist surgery recovery but still. ^^;;

I'm sorry to have dumped ALL of this info here into the one ask, but hey. When I open up, I really do open up. I'm that little ginger hiding in the back corner away from the other kids in class, observing what goes on. I see all, I know the dirty secrets. I'm the one you should fear. Fufufufu~ >:3

#the bean speaks #bean #ask #ask response #i swear i'm not dead #i'm just anemic and have no energy #don't judge ;v;

1 note · View note

seelie-regent · 4 years ago

Text

Remus gets more therapy and spends time with Logan

Part 12 of the Intrulogical Library AU

When Emile arrived Remus, reluctantly, left Logan’s arms and followed him to the library. Remus sat with Mortuus on his lap, who fell asleep, while Emile got out his notepad. They started out slowly talking about Remus' last two weeks and what had happened after the last appointment. Emile congratulated him on being accepted and slowly began to approach the topic he wanted to discuss for the session.

“How does it feel knowing nothing is ever going to be the same again. That you never have to go back to the dark. Knowing you are loved?” Emile asked.

“It’s nice, having a family, you know,” Remus said.

“Could you be a bit more specific?”

“Sure. I have Virgil and my brother back. I never truly lost Jan and I gained Patton while earring back my childhood best friend who I am now dating. I have a family who cares now. Who I know won’t leave me.”

“Do you really feel like you had to earn everything you now have?”

“Well yeah,” he said like it was obvious.

“And why would you think such a thing?” Emile asked.

“Because you have to earn everything. You don’t get anything out of life if you don’t work to earn it.”

“And where did you learn such a thing?”

“I don’t know. Over time maybe.”

“We will work on getting rid of that mentality. You don’t need to earn love Remus.”

“If you say so.”

“I do say so,” Emile says.

“How do you know you are right?” Remus asked.

“Because despite what you seem to think, you aren't a bad person.”

“But I am! I have hurt the others!”

“In the past Remus. You hurt them in the past. Remember that is in the past now they went out of their way to get you accepted. They don’t hate you for the past. You lashed out because you were hurt and lonely. That is normal and justified.”

“No it’s not! Nothing I did in the past is justified. I not only hurt Roman and Logan but I hurt Virgil and Patton too. I hurt all of them even Jan. I only hurt people. Satutin heitä (I hurt them, Finnish).”

“Remus, listen to what I am about to say very closely. They love you. You said as much at the beginning of our session. They don’t hate you.”

The rest of the session continued on like that and by the end Remus understood they didn’t hate him. He left the library to find Logan reading outside the door waiting for him.

“Remus. Wanna do an experiment with me?” Logan asked, jumping up.

“I would love to, Csillagfény (Starlight, Hungarian),” he said and let Logan drag him off.

“So how was therapy?” Logan asked.

“Emile says we are making progress,” Remus said.

“Are you comfortable telling me about the session?” Logan asked.

“Not this one sorry LoLo.”

“Alright. Just remember I am always here if you need me.”

“I know.”

The couple entered Logan’s lab where things were set out ready for the experiment.

“What will we be doing?”

“We are going to hold fire,” Logan said like it was obvious.

“I’m sorry what? How?”

“Science,” Logan said, making jazz hands.

“Let's do this then!”

The next forty minutes were spent doing the experiment and holding fire, which Remus loved. Afterwards the two decided to take a nap. When woke up Remus cuddled up to his starlight.

@bluerosesbleedred

#intrulogical #intrulogical library au #logan sanders #remus sanders

7 notes · View notes

surveys-at-your-service · 4 years ago

Text

Survey #354

“swimming through the void, we hear the word / we lose ourselves, but we find it all”

The last time you washed your hair, did you use conditioner? I never do. My hair is naturally pretty oily, and conditioner just adds oil to it. Do you prefer light or dark jeans? Dark. I never liked light-hued jeans. When you listen to music, do you generally sing along, or just listen? I almost always just listen. Do you have any of your exes as friends on Facebook? Yes. Who was your first love? Do you ever miss that person? My first "real" boyfriend. I always do to varying degrees. How many cars are parked at your house right now? Just one. Do you have any Italian ancestry? No. Do you prefer water to be ice cold or at room temperature? The colder, the absolute better. I can barely stomach drinking water that isn't cold, like literally. Has anyone ever told you you’re a control freak? No. Do you know anyone who has gone missing? If so, were they ever found? I don't think so, anyway. What was the spiciest thing you’ve ever eaten? A certain hot sauce on the wings I used to get at Buffalo Wild Wings. It was close to the top of their little heat rating thing. It made me feel awful, and yet I enjoyed it still?? I think it was an adrenaline thing. I only get medium sauce now; I'm more interested in enjoying my food than feeling like I'm eating fire. Do you need to talk to someone? I'm ready for my therapy appointment honestly, but it's not 'til the start of June. Mom and I both don't want to go through the process of finding a new one, so I've chosen to just suck it up and wait. Is something confusing you at the moment? I'm always confused with myself and my feelings. When was the last time you had a real deep chat? Real deep, I'm sure that would've been during PHP. Who did you last see on webcam? My former group therapist. I miss him a lot and really wish he could treat me outside of the program, but he doesn't do that. :/ What’s your best friend’s pet’s name(s)? Doris, Martha, Crowley, Little Dot, Jane Marie, Buster, Beesly, Winter, and I believe only one of the fish is named: Raisha. Have you ever taken a picture while laying in the grass? No. Who’s your favorite Disney character? Dory, probably. Have you ever deliberately tried to get someone drunk? What the fuck, no. When was the last time you used a pay phone and who were you calling? I've never used one. Do you like being kissed on the neck? Whoa now buddy, we better be kind of serious by then for you to do that because it doesn't end "well" lmao. Have you ever had sex with someone you weren’t dating (but had feelings for) in the hopes that they would ask you out later? I almost deleted this question because I didn't want to answer it, but I try to leave more unique ones in, so... whatever. I haven't. But I would for "somebody." What’s the most you would be willing to spend on a good bra? Ugh, my relationship with bras is a hellish one because NONE FUCKING FIT ME CORRECTLY. Mom's tried so, so many places, so many different stores online and in-person, and even if the bra fits in the front, it won't go around my back comfortably. I guess my body is shaped weird, I don't fucking know, because I have literally ZERO bras that don't aggravate me. At some point, I'm going to some woman Mom knows who can size me properly and therefore buy some that don't piss me off. All that to say I'd actually pay more than the usual, but not a ridiculous price. Do you have any of your teachers’ personal cell phone numbers saved in your contacts list? My old Physical Science teacher, who is actually now a very close family friend and our landlord, is in my phone. Do you ever stalk peoples’ personal blogs, even if you don’t know them very well? No. What’s one thing about today’s generation that you just can’t stand? How ungrateful they can be. Be honest: how do you feel about abortion? I am pro-choice. Is there anyone you currently want to reach out to? There's a lot of people, actually. Old friends I miss. What is your favorite piece of art you own? It... sounds cocky, but it's probably the drawing I did in high school of Pyramid Head and the Halo of the Sun intertwined. I worked my fucking ass off and I'm extremely proud of it. What’s the one thing you apologized for this month? Hm. Probably just something minor, like bumping into Mom or something when passing her. My favorite color is ______? Pink, specifically pastel pink. I wish I had _____? A job. What did you buy today? Nothing. What has challenged your morals? Life, my dude. Live and learn. What made you pick up the last book you started reading? It's the sequel to the last book I read. What about your life concerns you the most? Concerns me, my physical health, especially just how weak my legs are. I'm terrified of them continuing to deteriorate. What do you find particularly offensive? Would you say you’re easy or difficult to offend? I cannot fucking stand the misuse of the word "retarded." Like just keep your damn mouth sewn shut if you have the audacity to say things like "hurr hurr this driver is retarded." ANY mental illness/condition is NOT to be mocked. Onto the next question, I'd say I'm more towards difficult to offend. It really depends on the topic. What was the last series you finished watching? Do you have any plans to begin another? I re-watched Fullmetal Alchemist w/ Sara. We're working on Avatar: The Last Airbender too, but I won't resume watching it again until we can do it together. What is one way in which you are different from a year ago? What is one way in which you are still the same? Well, I weigh a lot more. .-. I gained back almost all the weight I shed since quarantine started, and I'm forever fucking furious about it. I'm the same in most other ways. If you could learn about anything without the stress of grades or cost, what kind of classes would you take? Uhhhhh meerkat behavior? Idk. Name a song you’ve listened to today? I've got Halocene, Lauren Babic, and Violet Orlandi's cover of "Aerials" by System of a Down on loop right now. It's fucking gorgeous and so mesmerizing. When you were younger, did you have a swing set or a playhouse in your backyard? We had a small playhouse with swings and a slide. Is your mall nice? GOD no. You better accept the possibility of getting shot before you walk in there. There's nothing that cool at all there. Do you have a Sonic near you? If so, what’s your favorite drink from there? Yeah. I love the strawberry slushy, and the Reese's Blast thing if KILLER. Will you be voting in the presidential elections next time around? Yes. How do you feel about chocolate-covered strawberries? GOOD. STUFF. Did you ever stop having feelings for someone and then started having those feelings again for them? I think so. Do you hate the last guy you had a thing with? No, he's my closest guy friend. To whom did you last give the finger? Probably some idiot that ran a red light. I'm sure it happened in the car, whenever it happened What was the last musical instrument played in your presence? I've got no clue. Do you like sprinkles on your ice cream? No, I hate the texture difference. And just sprinkles in general. Honestly, have you ever crashed a party before? No. Do you know how to do the moon walk? No. Has anybody ever told you that you have a good singing voice? Yeah, but I beg to differ. Onion rings or french fries? French fries. I'm not a big fan of the other. Has anybody ever described you as a heart breaker? Nope. Has anybody ever told you that you talk too fast? When I'm excited, yes, it happens sometimes. Who is the best cook that you know? Uhhhhh idk. Which meal throughout the day do you skip the most? I don't really skip meals. What’s the largest amount that you can juggle at one time? I can’t juggle at all. What was your favorite thing to go on at the playground as a kid? Swings. I'd dash to those at recess to try to actually get one. Do you know how much you weighed at birth? How much? All I know is six pounds, no clue on the ounces. Which aspect of your daily routine takes the most time? What do you do? Sitting my ass at the computer, really... I don't exactly do much. Do you enjoy buying gifts for others, or could you do without this? It feels sucky of me considering whenever I do get someone a gift, it's because Mom is letting me use her money with me being without an income, BUT I still do LOVE the process of thinking of something meaningful for those important to me and hopefully seeing them love whatever I got them. I cannot wait until I actually can do that regularly. What is one thing you are expected to do, if anything? Take care of my pets. How do you tend to view driving? Monotonous or entertaining? I hate driving because you're in a speeding box of death, man. I do really want to start working towards my license though; I've long since reached the "enough is enough" point. But first I need new glasses so I can actually see five feet in front of me. Do you enjoy talking about music with others? Yeah! Is acting something you enjoy? No. I'm too awkward about it. When do you feel most accomplished? When I finish a big art pierce. Do you think Manwich is amazing or completely gross? I like 'em. Just messy, which I'm not a fan of. How many best friends do you have? One. Are you a smoker, drinker, pothead or none of the above? None of the above. If you have your ears pierced, when did you get them pierced? I don't remember exactly, but I was a kid. Do you own any exercise machines? No. I wish. On Facebook, do you have people listed as your siblings who aren’t really your siblings? Nah, but I used to do that. Have you ever drawn or painted a self-portrait? Painted, but only because it was a school assignment. Who was your last voicemail from? I don't get voicemails because mine isn't even set up. Have you ever been falsely accused of something serious? No. Did you ever set up a lemonade stand when you were a kid? No. When was the last time you spoke to someone in a different language? Not since I was taking a test in high school for my German course. My teacher was a Germany native, so she was a total pro and fun to learn from. Have you ever received an anonymous gift? No. Have you ever camped out somewhere for an event the next day? No. That's always sounded miserable to me. When were you the saddest in your life? 2016 was fucking miserable. Do you know anyone, personally, who is in an abusive relationship? Are you? I don't know if it's abusive, but it's toxic and dysfunctional as HELL. I don't know WHY she keeps going back to him, I feel awful for the woman. I'm definitely not, 'cuz I wouldn't tolerate that shit for half a second. If you have siblings, have they moved out or do they still live with you? They've both moved out by now. Have you ever gotten searched by the cops? Yes, as a safety protocol with mental illness stuff. Do you like fried rice? Yes. What was the last thing you drank? Would you believe me if I told you I have water right now?

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''aerials'' by system of a down

3 notes · View notes

saundraswriting · 5 years ago

Text

Hercules Chapter Three

SUMMARY:The Case continues with some interviews of the victims families. Morgan and Reid work on the Geological Profile. Reid begins pushing himself hard, and Morgan is the one to calm Reid down. It only works for a little bit when the realization hits the entire team that with the lack of connection and the breakthrough Reid finds, Reid will be the one to solve the case by working himself to death.

WARNINGS: Maybe slight self-harm? Spencer is pushing too hard.

Previous // Next

Hotch and Gideon were on their way to Leonard Davis' home. Mrs. Mary Davis, his mother was their interviewee. "Mrs. Davis, are you home? My name is Aaron Hotchner. I am with the BAU at the FBI. I wanted to ask you a few questions." Hotch said loudly.

"Hold your horses. I'm coming. Haven't I answered enough questions? but come in, come in." Mary held the door open, and only Hotch's years of experience prevented his flinch. Her blonde hair was falling out if its clip, she was dressed in a teal cami and black yoga pants. She had deep bags under her eyes and a half empty bottle of gin in her left hand.

"Hello. I'm Mary. If we could hurry this up, I have a lot to do yet." Mary stood by the sink, took a swift swallow of the gin and dumped the rest down the drain. "Self-medication was okay for a little, but time continues on and so should I"

"He was in the top 15 of his class. He was going to do great things I just knew he would. I was so happy to find out that his meds were working and that he liked them. " Mary's voice was as soft as the wind.

"Medications for what?" Hotch asked?

"Depression. His best friend was his sister. She was killed by a drunk driver when she was 16. He was 13. she had left in a hurry when we were fighting over the divorce announcement. After words I sent Leo to a therapist to help with the issues he was going through. I figured it couldn't hurt, right? Turned out he really liked going. Sorted out a lot of problems that Leo was having at the time. Things looked like there were turning up and then he turned 15. He began reading, psychology, sociology, Buddhism, Hinduism. He would question me randomly, about my thought on God and the state of the world and Creationism among other things. Please remember I wouldn't have even noticed had I not gone into his room the night he was murdered. I saw the books and I understood. Leo was lost and confused, all I did to help was hand him over to a therapist. I never forced him to go to church with me, I let him return to therapy seeing it may help him. Then 3 weeks later Leo is found strangled to death." Mary sniffed and rubbed her eyes. "Are we done here? I don't want to talk about Leo anymore. I have several appointments today as well. "

"We don't have any more questions for you. Thank you for your time, Mary. If you need us please call." Gideon said, handing over his and Hotch's card.

"Good day to you as well." Mary walked them out.

Hotch and Gideon arrived at the station a few minutes after Morgan and JJ returned from their interview with Lucy Basset. They walked into Spencer's cave where coffee cups littered the table.

"Pretty Boy, got anything?" Morgan asked.

"Yeah, sit please. I talked to Garcia and if this doesn't check out. then we'll move on. First, you guys; what did you find out?" Spencer pointed to the seats round the table.

"Ophelia resents the fact that her dad died. vocally questioned God. Mom is on meds and Ophelia's been running the household since she was 16." Morgan explained.

"Leo was a great student. Was in therapy for the divorce + death of his sister. Leo was researching psychology, sociology, Buddhism, and Hinduism. He was vocal but not drastically so." Gideon explained. Reid's eyebrows rose but wrote the observations in the notes taped to the wall opposite of the maps.

"Ophelia refused to light the candle of her father's shrine Lucy made. Besides that, I am not seeing any family involvement." JJ mentioned.

"Which makes sense considering the amount of violence the victims suffered But it wasn't torture becasue it wasn't for a period of time, the cause of death is the only wound on them. So not a sadist, not family, does that mean we have a run-of-the-mill serial killer whose delusional we need to crack?" Morgan ground out through his teeth, frustrated.

"I may have suspects. It's a long shot but worth a try. Garcia found two people in the 20 Mile radius of the image the relevant sites make that have RR as their initials. I labeled and mapped out the relevant places: Potential kill site based of distance, the dump sites and family homes. When I get the actual kill sites I can narrow it down more-anyway-I feel like I'm missing a link, a piece to the puzzle. The map isn't looking right at all. I did the locations in order from oldest murder to most recent and in crime order so family home to kill site to dump site. It will get more accurate with more information. I know that with the mass of uncertainties that we have right now, this is going to take a while but it is the biggest help we have. Feel free to look in here if you need anything, this map will update as I get information. I will keep working on this. There may be a pattern." Spencer rambled quickly. He gulped out of his coffee cup.

"Sirs and madame, we have the official kill sites now. Forensics gave us a very close locale adn we checked them out to get the exact coordinates. I have them for you Agent Reid." A uniform handed out a list of places to each of the BAU.

"Come here." Reid demanded. The two consulted the map for a few quiet moments and then the purple marks were moved. Reid's key gained a new color: Orange for new information and the black got changed to permanent. The team took the pause to gather their thoughts. Morgan used the table speaker to call Garcia.

"Garcia, any new info on our possible suspects"

"Well, hello, to you too, Chocolate Bar."

"Hey mama. Please give me something good."

"Well you are down to one. Numero dos has been found in jail-GTA. Numero uno is worth a shot." She rattled of an address. Hotch jotted it down and left.

"Pretty Boy, anything else?" Morgan asked.

"No! Damn it, this case is residing on my ability to crunch numbers and find a pattern, on my geological profile. And I can't make rhyme or reason." Spencer ranted. Morgan grabbed Spencer and herded him out of the room.

"Break time. Get some coffee, sit and breathe, Spencer." Morgan began making a cup, pulling hazelnut creamer out of the fridge.

"No, Morgan! I need to get back in that room. This profile. is the only thing going for this case right now. There is no vicitmology, no sexual sadism, we really can't form a normal profile." Reid stated. He sipped at his coffee, eyes widening at the taste.

"Spencer, calm down man. you'll go into a anxiety attack if you keep worrying like this. Listen to me, everything will be fine. Ask a local uniform to get the distances if they can. After that begin your in-depth look at everything. You are fine, you're doing great. Chill out a little." Morgan soothed.

"Morgan, you wouldn't have but hazelnut creamer into my coffee, would you? Thank you, I don't deserve a friend like you. But right now, even the smallest pieces of paper, the smallest connection can help us." Spencer said.

"You can go back in, if you calm down. Promise me?" Morgan pleaded. Spencer nodded and sipped his coffee slowly.

Morgan stood near Spencer, silent and still as a sentinel. He had a bad feeling about this case and they still had one family to interview.

"Morgan, Reid, I'm gonna visit the Brown's. Garcia said that Tabitha Well's parents are drug addicts won't be any help. They are in rehab and the program forbids visitors." Gideon said. Morgan nodded and helped Spencer stand straight. He was swaying slightly. Spencer yawned deeply. Morgan felt his concern for his friend grow.

"Let's go. We can get started looking at the G.P. Can I have a uniform please?" Morgan said. Matthew stepped forward. The trio walked into the map room.

"We need the exact distances between each point on this map. As soon as possible, please." Spencer paused "And each victim's personal effects. Tell me that you did search their rooms and houses." Spencer said.

"I believe so, at least as much as the families allowed. I'll be right back." Matthew smiled timidly at Spencer before leaving.

"Hey, man. Mr. Matthew is into you. You gonna jump on that?" Morgan teased. The name tasted sickly sweet and tangy on his tongue like new metal.

Spencer sighed and shook his head at Morgan's antics. He appreciate the never-ending support he had gained from the team when he came out as gay months ago. JJ and Garcia had been enjoying it the most though, they spent the evenings at the clubs and bars checking out the men and finding dance partners for the girls.

"I don't do case relationships. You know that. Why aren't you hitting Maddie up? She seems into you." Spencer shot back.

"No. I'm not, uh, feeling it now." Morgan answered. Spencer side-eyed him but didn't push the issue. Morgan exhaled in relief.

"So, I am thinking about the connection between victims will be unorthodox in comparison to a 'normal' serial killer. It will be something in common with the age group. 14-20 year olds- teenagers. Maybe they are in favor of a controversial topic. one of their generation's problems brought them all to the attention of the killer." Spencer rambled, writing under the victims: Atheism.

"Okay, they are high-school to college students from messed up homes all vocal about something their generation is facing. Drugs? Legalization of weed is a big problem, Colorado, Washington and the District of Colombia all legalized recently. Maybe the UnSub didn't want it legalized and saw them using in the open?" Morgan questioned aloud.

"Today, 90% of teenagers don't do drugs-including weed-, smoke tobacco, underage drinking. The majority of people gunning of marijuana legalization believe it is a victimless crime and unlike other substances aren't full of horrible chemicals. So no, that isn't it, I think. Not drugs, not war, not environment...Gay rights?" Spencer looked over at Morgan.

"Back up, boy wonder. Why not war and environment? And why write down Atheism?" Morgan's confusion drew Spencer's gaze once more.

"If our UnSub was against the current War, don't you think that there would have been something majorly different in his behavior? People that make statements dealing with War or politics blow coffee shops up, gas stations, malls. Large, obvious signals. If the victims were on either side, it would have been obvious even for the uniforms here. If it was environmental issues, they would have home set-ups: recycling on a very detailed scale, composting, gardens, homemade snacks, re-purposing of things. So far each victim has dealt with a devastating death close to them. When that happens, people in general turn to God, but each person in this case has turned away from God at some point at some level. A typical problem with many people of this age group is coming out to people that matter and if they will be accepting or rejected. So it could be both but from what I have heard about the families, victims, and their lives none were open or closeted Bisexuals, or Homosexuals. I am heavily leaning towards Atheism. We will know for sure when Matthew comes back with the evidence." Spencer rambled quickly, his words practically attached to one another. Morgan tilted his head and shrugged, agreeing with the young genius.

"Dr. Reid. I have the evidence you requested. Unfortunately we don't have anything to give you for distances. When we looked on G.I.S technology and the ones we used varied, so we validated the coordinates for you to calculate." Matthew explained from the doorway.

"Damn it. That is going to take me a while. Okay-Morgan go outside and sort through the evidence. Use social media of any type, journals, diaries, photos, to see if there is anything relevant or strange. I need to not be bothered while I do these calculations, they are going to be extensive." Spencer ordered, He turned to the map. He stilled, body tightening with a laser-like focus. Morgan chuckled softly and herded Matthew out the door.

"Okay. You heard Spencer. Lets get cracking. He is gonna work himself death on this. We can at least help." Morgan spoke to Matthew and the three other volunteers he had gathered along the way. Everyone grabbed a different tub and began sifting through the journals, pictures, and printed pages from social media.

************

Gideon arrived at the Brown's home. He knocked and patiently waited to be invited in. "Kimberly Brown? My name is Jason Gideon. I am an agent of Behavioral Analysis Unit of the FBI. I have a few questions for you and you family. I shouldn't be too long." Gideon said entering the well designed home.

"Okay, Agent Gideon. I have a few minutes to talk. Come on in." Kimberly was dressed in a pencil skirt and blue button up shirt.

"I just want to know how Everett was before he died. How was he in school. Did someone close to him die?" Gideon asked. Kimberly grabbed two glasses and filled them with ice and water.

"Everett was a good student. Not the greatest, but he did well with football and baseball pre-seasons, season, and off-seasons. He was the star Quarterback for three years and and the star pitcher for two. He loved it. We were immensely proud. He was working on the final things to be ready for Oregon State University to play football for them and go into business and economics. It was the best thing that happened to us." Kimberly said. Gideon noticed that her tone was rather practiced and empty.

"Who were talking to? Cause that wasn't my brother. He did football for so long becasue you would disown him if he did. He wanted to be a doctor, Pediatrician specifically. He wasn't going to play at OSU. He decided his grades would be more important. Everett loved science. He never made a decision without thinking all the variables through." A male voice from the door said.

"Cameron. Enough." Kimberly snapped harshly.

"He wrote me letters-emails really. I brought them with me. Some were really strange, written in a code or something? I'm not sure. With Mom into fashion design and Dad into the stocks, Everett really didn't have anyone to turn to. So he vented to me. He would even write the first word of the subject line: Ventilation so I knew not even to open those ones. I did sometimes anyway. I go to Columbus for English and History. I am a novelist. I felt that he may not want a response but he deserved to get one." Cameron explained nervously.

"Can we have those? They would be marvelous help. I know he recent death must be difficult but this could help find the murderer." Gideon pointed out. Cameron nodded his consent.

"I can show you his room? I know that the police would have taken things they found relevant, but the BAU is different, isn't it?" Cameron ignored his mother's protests and showed Gideon to Everett's room. The room was tidy, shelves and cube organizers were everywhere. Everything had a place but it seemed that the items didn't return instantly to its place. The room had small stacks of books here and there, probably from the overflowing bookshelf. The clothes were in the hamper, and the walls covered in pictures and collages. "We traveled a lot. Everett believe even if he was a science man, he should be creative with something. called it Art therapy. He did these all himself." Cameron explained.

"I am sorry. We work hard to stop these people but more just slip right through." Gideon looked around and on the desk saw a piece of paper with what looked to be gibberish. He picked it up to look closer.

"That may be true, agent Gideon. but at least you try. Hey, that is what the strange messages looked like." Cameron waved at the paper. Gideon put it in an evidence bag and nodded at Cameron.

"Thanks Cameron. We will keep you posted. If you need anything here's my card. Also at the police station." With that Gideon showed himself out, noticing the two cups from earlier were gone as was Kimberly. He continued to the station.

***********

"Okay, gather round, I've got something." Gideon said upon arrival.

"Me too. And Reid is working and said to not be disturbed. I will fill him in." Morgan said. A shout from the map room had them racing.

"Sorry. I just finished all those distance calculations. I had to do the distance between homes and kill sites, kills sites and dump sites, and homes to dump sites. I also did places last seen when they applied and kill sites. And the distances between the homes of the victims for information. That was 20 intricate equations. I had to validate each coordinate with my info and the police to make sure it was right....and I'm rambling." He cut himself off at Morgan's look.

"What did you find out Reid?" Hotch demanded.

"That it isn't a number compulsion. Each distance is different. And the points aren't making a closed shape, in any order. I rearranged this 6 different times but nothing made sense. I think I am missing a location. Or the homes isn't where they were picked from. Any evidence support home break-ins?" Spencer asked. Hotch shook his head. "So, it isn't the home that are important. That isn't the grab site. I need coffee." Spencer's stomach growled.

"And food maybe?" Morgan commented.

"I will be fine. Give me some more time and coffee and I will have more." Reid said leaving the room.

"Wait, you're a genius but you haven't had a breakthrough? What good are you?" Someone said sardonically. Reid and the rest of the team froze instantly; Reid from terror-that tone brought back awful memories and the team from reacting to Reid's tense body language. JJ and Morgan felt murderous.

"I am a genius, maybe-if an IQ of 187 reading 20,000 words per minute, holding three PhD.s, two bachelor degrees and working on a third is considered genius. But I don't like measuring intelligence with numbers and such. People refer to me as a genius, if that helps. I have just crunched out 120 intricate equations, 20 for each of the 6 different order I have arranged them trying to find a pattern. In my head. From this conversation alone I can tell your life story and I am trying to do the same for someone I have never met and leave me dead people to examine. I think what progress I and my team has made is more than you and your colleagues. Now, I was being nice, pleasant even. If this happens again, I can't guarantee that the two fully-certified murderous looking agents behind me won't do you bodily harm. So do me, you and everyone a favor and sit down and shut up." Spencer sassed. The room was deadly silent. Morgan couldn't (didn't) stop the proud smug look from settling on his face. His Pretty Boy just went Alpha Male on the local bully and Morgan couldn't be happier.

In the quiet Spencer made his coffee and returned to his room. He settled in a chair and rubbed at his temples drinking his coffee. Morgan looked in quickly and returned to JJ. "JJ, can you order some food. I don't know when the last time he ate was. He and us need something, anything. His sugar is getting high, too much sugar in one cup let alone several pots. Gideon, Hotch, I have something to share. Reid needs to hear this as well." the trio commented they'd be there in a minute.

Spencer stood in the middle of the room, hugging himself and trembling. Morgan stepped in close after shutting the door.

"Hey, Spence. You did awesome out there. You went all alpha on him and it rocked his world. Come on, sit down. You are fine. No one is gonna hurt you. I'm right here. He was an asshole and deserved the chewing out you gave him." Morgan sat Reid down and gave him a tight hug, exaggerating his breaths, trying to get Reid to catch on. Reid did, calming down slowly.

Spencer tensed slightly at the beginning of the hug but quickly reveled in the warm, human contact. Morgan and JJ and Garcia may touch him often and Gideon and Hotch less often but no one hugged him like this. He usually got fleeting touches, faint and quick as a butterfly's wing beat. Morgan may touch him the most but only claps on the shoulder, fingertips to a wound's dressing, a guiding hand on his elbow. No one ever touched him like this; with love and kindness, with the purpose to comfort and share your troubles. 'Isn't that the purpose of hugs in difficult times? To share your burdens with a second pair of shoulders? To share your space with another human, to make the world more bearable?' Spencer thought. He opened his (when did they close?) closed eyes and caught a swirly ray of the sun covering part of Morgan's neck. He knew from tracing Morgan's with his eyes and his own with his fingertips the eight outer swirls and the larger middle one from memory, seeing it this close made Spencer anxious for reasons he didn't know.

Morgan felt Spencer stop trembling but tense up. Morgan only squeezed tighter. He was confused about his reactions to the young genius as of late. He could barely tolerate seeing the look of awe and admiration in Matthew's eye when Spencer spoke in general, the look only got worse with direct communication. Morgan didn't even really understand why he felt so protective of Reid either. He understood as friends you try to protect one another but Morgan was ready to tear the asshole from earlier (Thomas)'s head off so thinking so little of the genius. Morgan wanted to make sure Spence was cared for-eating healthy and sleeping right. He wanted to be the one to administer the human contact he knew Spencer needed. Not just the fleeting touches he gave out but hugs, wonderful hugs that lessened the pressure Reid felt from the world. He wanted to be near Spencer if only to watch him think then so be it. Morgan never felt this way about anyone before. He knew that this was beyond friendship he was feeling but wasn't sure what it was he felt for the Boy Wonder.

"Thank you Morgan. I needed that. I was really scared. I thought he might hit me." Spencer said as they broke apart.

"Do you need any help? I am not sure what I can do but I can sure as hell try." Morgan glanced around and realized that with the case looking the way it was, Spencer would be the one to solve it. He would synthesis the evidence, he would be the one to get the breakthrough, he would be the one ending up overworked, overstressed, malnourished and fatigued.

"No, I've got it. could you get me some...uh...food? Please?" Spencer asked hesitantly. Morgan laughed.

"JJ is already on it. We will give you updates if we get anything. I will be around if you need anything. Just take your time and work you magic. I found something earlier, I was going to tell Hotch and Gideon right now. You keep working. If we need you I'll get you." Morgan left and stepped to the right of the doorway, seeing Hotch and Gideon standing there.

"We believe these texts to Leo, Tabitha, Ophelia, Everett, the emails from Everett to Cameron, the diary of Ophelia are written in a code. We also believe that the note you got from Everett's room was the key. I think he was a recent addition to whatever group uses this code, no one else had a key. We need to use the key to crack the code. Does anyone want to try?" Morgan asked Hotch and Gideon.

"Neither one of us would be able to do it in a timely manner. We know you are terrible with codes and riddles, Morgan. That leaves Reid and Garcia. JJ is having a rough time with the press right now." Hotch mused.

"Bring it all in here. You know that I am the best and really the only option."Reid called from his room.

"No, Spence, you have enough to do Garcia may have a program she can run." JJ said.

"You have to break the code first and then give it to her or she has to run all her programs on it. I can read 12 languages and am pretty smart I can at least break it quick. Hand it over." Reid strode out, sleeves rolled up and pen spinning in circles. A different persona than when he is calculating something where he has a specific formula and direct end goal, this is thinking-trying one idea to reject it and go to another. He needs to be loose, have no end goal planned.

Spencer began pacing and muttering, spinning his pen and pausing every once and while when a train of thought might lead somewhere. 15 minutes in and he stopped and looked up.

"It's pig latin." He said awestruck. Morgan internally sighed at the tone, it was usually followed by a statistic or random or obscure facts. Morgan wasn't wrong. "The single-page is a cheat sheet for most common transitions between English and Pig Latin. I mean a large number of the population can say they have heard of Pig Latin, smaller percentage say they have heard it, and an even smaller portion say they have ever spoken a word of Pig Latin. This is a great idea. It also means that whoever this correspondence was from or to is smart and manipulative. He had to know and be able to teach these kids Pig Latin, and to get them to use it willingly when talking about this group without brainwashing or violence is no easy feat. If they write in code then no sneaky parents will understand if they accidentally see it. Garcia should be able to help, I can if she can't." Spencer handed back the cheat sheet and return to his lair of maps and used coffee cups.

"Hey, man. None of them were open or closeted Bisexuals or Homosexuals. Leo and Ophelia were openly Pro-gay rights but I don't know about the others." Morgan said to his retreating back. Reid paused and turned.

"Nothing of relevance. So I was wrong. That word is around me more in the case than my life. But at least we aren't dealing with homophobia or something, those cases are touch and go. So it has to be Atheism. We are dealing with religion." Spencer saw Hotch's mouth open. "No, I don't know what that means, but we have something. We can work with something. Give me some time to think." Reid walked in and shut his door.

"That kid is going to kill himself with this case." Morgan murmured. The others consented their agreement.

Previous // Next

*******************************************************************************************

Okay, The focus of the fic shifts from here. This isn’t a case fic so to speak, it is a soulmate au fic. So be prepared for that.

#saundrasays #saundraswriting #dr. spencer reid #derek morgan #spencer x derek #spencer reid x derek morgan #Criminal Minds #criminal minds fanfiction #Hercules fic #cm fanfiction #cm #morgreid

6 notes · View notes

morethanithoughtofficialblog · 5 years ago

Text

Chapter 13: I'm sad because I'm depressed and I'm depressed because I'm sad.

In which Sans remembers why he doesn’t talk about his feelings anymore.

*Sans's POV*

"Do you, by any instance, have suicidal thoughts?"

"i... not that often"

"But you have?"

"i would be lying if i say no"

Papyrus asked (Y/N) yesterday God-knows-what and he ended up knowing what a psychiatrist and a psychologist are, and here I am, talking with a psychiatrist. My brother said that it would be better if I had a new treatment started by a professional on the topic and not by a random monster that calls itself a doctor. Considering that in the Underground we only had general doctors, it was difficult to talk about these matters and get the help needed. Therefore, this seemed like a better option.

Papy spent the night (and this morning) looking for the best option to me, considering that discrimination it's still present. And so he went, asking multiple people if they were open to listen a depressing skeleton being depressed (he obviously didn't say it that way... I think). And so he finally found someone willing to help me, and we head off as soon as possible (hell, we didn't even eat... should I say I'm hungry?)

"Do you have a specific plan to commit suicide, Sans?"

"uh... no?"

"YOU DON'T SOUND SO SURE, BROTHER"

"it's just... i haven't thought about it that deeply. i just sometimes think that i want to disappear and that's it. no idea how, no idea when. just disappear.

"I see..."

The old man went over his little notebook and wrote something down. He was bald and had a white beard almost as pale as my skull, and had a sternum and serious look behind his rectangular glasses. He would be intimidating... if he wasn't a psychiatrist willing to help a monster. How bad could this man possibly be?

"Sans, do you sleep well? And I mean at nights"

"no, sir. i haven't been sleeping well since last year. i mean, i can easily fall asleep, but it's difficult to me to stay that way."

"I see, do you nap at day?"

"heh, a lot if you ask my brother"

"Ok..."

I freaked out for a moment, returning to an odd silence only filled by the sound of his pen writing down my weirdness. I became nervous, not knowing what he was going to ask next. But, honestly, I've been kind of unused to these unpredictable events the Surface has to bring. I was used to hearing the same dialogues and to say the same jokes, but know... everything it's fresh and new. It's scary, but quite a reliever.

"Ok Sans, do you by any chance have any specific dreams or nightmares?"

I froze and cough out the water I was drinking in shock. A quick flashback of the "Genocide Run" went all over my mind, the part of my brother dying repeating itself horribly. The empty look of that kid, the Judgement Hall being my new space... the kid giving up and resetting in front of my eyes, not before giving me a vengeful look.

"Sans? It's okay if you don't want to talk about it yet, but I need to know..."

I sighed, knowing that it was for the best. If I want to enjoy the future, I have to get rid of this fucking trauma.

"i... i do have specific dreams, sir. nightmares, actually. i... i don't want to mention them right now"

Papyrus let out a sigh in disappointment and I gave him a weak smile. I know he always wanted to know what's on my mind... but I just couldn't tell him at that moment. He smiled back to me, making me feel less pressured.

"Don't worry, Sans. We'll go step by step, no need to run all over the details. Still, the fact that you've been having constant nightmares of the same topic it's quite alarming, that's why I needed to know"

He then picked a piece of paper and scribbled some things down.

"This is for the drug store..."

He picked another one, not before drawing a small asterisk on the top.

"And this one is for you"

He then gave me the two pieces of paper and I glanced over them with Papyrus, curious about the medicines.

"In order to deal with your depression, Sans, you'll take a pill of Prozac (or fluoxetine) every morning, okay? I'll determine later for how much time"

We nodded, then glanced again at the paper, reading the next medicament.

"For your insomnia, Sans, you'll take a pill Restoril (or temazepam) every night before going to sleep. This is one of the best pills to not only falling asleep but also keeping you that way"

Before I could even nod, I noticed an uneasy look in the doc's face. I raised an... eyebrow, startling him for a second.

"I'm sorry" he stated, then sighed.

"IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG, DOCTOR?"

"Nothing it's just... the fact that Sans is having constant nightmares worries me. Do you also have constant flashbacks of said events?"

I slowly nodded, and his face got worst.

"DOCTOR? IS IT REALLY THAT BAD?"

"No, it's just... it breaks my heart to know that the Underground may not have been a better place than the Surface"

A better place?

"what do you mean, sir?"

"..."

He just sighed and gave me an apologetic smile, trying his best not to break down. I noticed he was on the edge of tears, and I felt panic running all over my body.

"Sans, there's a high chance you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or for short, PTSD"

"PTSD?"

"Yes, it's kind of a serious condition to deal with. It shows that Sans had a really traumatic event in his life, and it may seem impossible for him to have a normal life with all the fear he gained from that moment. Or am I wrong, Sans?"

I shook my head, and he gave me a sad smile. Just as he said, just as it is. I never thought it would be that serious, though.

"You'll take Zoloft (or sertraline) for that, Sans... but I also recommend you to go to a psychologist. I can directly put you an appointment with a friend of mine if that's what you want. What do you say? He'll be more than open to hearing your case"

Papyrus nodded excitedly, while I was not too sure. I felt like my normal balance would break down if I started to go to therapy... but then I looked to Papyrus again. I don't want him all worried about me, I want him to have a normal life. And for that, I also need to form a normal life myself.

"sure, may we have the address?"

"Sure, I'll give you an e-mail with it"

We gave the doctor a quick goodbye and a thank you, then head off to our home. I insisted to Papyrus that we could eat something first and relax, then go to the drug store. He groaned slightly and muttered a "lazybones" but took my offer.

When we arrived, though...

"Hello, my children! Where were you?"

Oh fuck.

I glanced over the living room and saw our small group of friends gathered cozily, including an almost smashed (Y/N), an annoying flower screaming, a suspiciously staring father, and more!

...I gulped, knowing I could never say the truth. (Y/N) is a new person in my life, the flower is a bitch, my father is another bitch, Undyne doesn't take anything seriously, Alphys takes everything seriously, Frisk is a dirty betrayer, Toriel worries too much, Asgore would go and make everyone check themselves with the therapist, Mettaton would go and check himself with a therapist, Napstablook would feel all sorry, and Arial would be highly disappointed.

...

Saying the truth sounds pretty awful at this point.

"OH, WE WERE AT THE DOCTOR, MOTHER!"

Oh crap

Papyrus seemed to notice my signal of begging help and came to the rescue immediately, never mentioning anything about a psychiatrist.

"SANS, BEING ALL STUPID, GOT SOMETHING STUCK IN HIS CHEST AGAIN!"

Ouch.

"yep. guess i need some spare ribs at this point, huh?"

Everyone groaned and so I successfully got away from the problem. I tried my best to keep my cool, but I easily spaced out a couple of times and ended up startling myself. They were doing rounds in Super Mario Bros., and (Y/N) seemed to be an expert on it, considering she was on World 6.

"Oh c' mon, when are you going to die?!" Flowey annoyingly exclaimed, foreshadowing a bit. I almost smacked him over before I saw Toriel's face, then I lost myself again on the videogame.

(Y/N) continued playing until arriving at the final castle. Surprising, to say the least. Everyone else was getting enthusiastic about her defeat, but it never happened. Instead, (Y/N) went to play all over again, making everyone groan.

"Oh my God, let us play as well!" Undyne roared, giving a death glare to the older human.

"You said you wanted me to prove how good I am..." She innocently answered, putting the controller aside.

"Ok, you've already proven yourself. Now, please, give us a chance this time" Frisk sighed in defeat, feeling vulnerable and probably fooled.

"Ok!" (Y/N) cheerily got up from the couch, then waved at Papyrus and me "Hi guys! Anything serious happened?"

Shit.

"IT'S NOTHING THAT CAN'T BE HANDLED, HUMAN!"

"I'm glad, how do you feel Sans?" She looked at me worried and made me feel like the worst person on Earth.

A huge part of me wanted to say the truth and confess my problems at that moment, but that was me feeling horrible. I always hated lying, but that's what my life has come to. At this point, I can barely feel sorry for lying...

Except on this topic.

I've always been sensitive with this stuff, and that's how Papyrus ended up knowing. It has become something really messed up that I want to let all the people I care about that I'm not okay. I want them to help me feel complete again. To feel safe. To have hope.

"Sans?"

"HUMAN... SANS... IS IT OKAY FOR YOU IF I TELL HER WHAT'S GOING ON? I TOLD HER SOME THINGS YESTERDAY AND SHE WAS REALLY COMPREHENSIBLE. BESIDES, MAYBE SHE CAN HELP US MORE WITH THE SUBJECT!"

I glanced over her, and she gave me a small and recomforting smile. Out of all the people, I never knew she would be one of those who know what's going on.

"If you don't want me to, Sans, I understand. Just know I'm here to support all of you, ok? And don't take that as an associate... but as a friend. I'm more than willing to help you out in any way I can... but that depends on you"

A deep pain went all over my soul, but then I nodded. If she was so understanding as Papyrus said she was when she heard what problem I have... maybe telling her a bit of detail won't hurt.

"we'll tell ya later, ok? now it's a little bit crowded"

"I understand, thanks for trusting me"

"thanks to you, kiddo"

Thanks to you...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Your POV*

It was a while after the small gathering ended, everyone having to go earlier than expected. I already attended my work-hunting business and find a convincing and small company. I sent them an e-mail, and so I'm waiting for them to text me back. But for now, more important things were on my head.

I feel really sorry about Sans's case, and how desperate Papyrus seemed yesterday when he told all about it. I suffer from some things as well, and I know it isn't easy. It's never easy to deal with yourself...

"HUMAN, SANS, SHALL WE DISCUSS NOW OUR LITTLE SECRET?"

Sans chuckled a bit and I nodded, preparing myself from what I was about to hear.

"OK, SO... YOU REMEMBER THE TALK WE HAD YESTERDAY, RIGHT HUMAN?!"

I nodded again, and he smiled and reassured his brother that he was in good hands. I giggled softly, and the short skeleton just scratched the back of his head out in embarrassment.

"I FOLLOWED YOUR ADVICE, AND I TOOK SANS TO THE MOST ACCESSIBLE PSYCHIATRIST I COULD!"

I smiled, glad that Sans accepted any help.

"What did the doctor diagnosed you, Sans?" I asked, hoping he would be the one answering me this time. After all, this is Sans's main problem, not Papyrus's. He tensed up a little but quickly relaxed as he remembered the presence of his brother there. He took enough courage silently, then spoke with that characteristic deep voice of his.

"depression, insomnia, and... well, something called ptsd, which is-"

"PTSD?!" I interrupted abruptly, not believing what my ears just heard. Sans having depression is hard to admit, but PTSD? Oh lord, what has this poor guy endured in his young life?

"uh... yeah, i... eh..."

Oh crap. Oh crap. Oh crap. Oh crap. Oh crap. Oh crap. Oh crap. Oh crap.

"Nonono, don't think that way, Sans. It's just... a bit surprising, coming for you. I never expected you to have such a problem, but I guess appearance is quite a bi... beach."

"BEACH?"

"Uh, yeah..." Please come with a good excuse, (Y/N) "You know, beaches may be all pretty on the photos, but the dangerous creatures and natural phenomenons they bring show that they are not that perfect. I guess that's the same for Sans. He easily can go on and hide perfectly with jokes and laughs, but that doesn't mean he's that careless nor happy on the inside... sorry for putting you that way, Sans"

"it's okay kid, i think i get it" he jokingly winked at me, noticing what I was going to say at first. I sighed, feeling pretty stupid at this point.

"Anyways... what has the doctor prescribed you, Sans?"

"this thing called 'prozac', another one called 'restoril' and the last one being 'zoloft'..."

Huh, I have all of those at home.

Maybe I can give him some, considering I have a ton of them...

"HUMAN! SANS MAY BE ON TREATMENT AND ALL, BUT I DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK LESS OF HIM! HE'S AN EXCELLENT MONSTER, EVEN IF HE'S WAY TOO LAZY, BUT HE'S A GOOD BROTHER!"

I saw a slight hint of blue hue spread all over Sans's cheekbones, and I assumed it was blush. I smiled softly, knowing that would be the kind of brothership I would want. Instead, I had the goddamn curse to have no brothers or sisters, and here I am. Alone.

"I would never think less of anyone by this reason, Papyrus" Then I came up with a wild idea, but that mind instantly approved. My smile grew bigger, and I continued "Actually, now that you're confessing me something quite touchy... I guess I should do the same. It may help you to feel a bit more comfortable, Sans"

He raised an eyebrow and I returned to my soft and small smile, preparing myself...

Now that I was thinking about it, it was a bad idea. It was a bad idea to show my weak points, to show my problems, and to show how vulnerable I actually am. But that didn't stop me. And it will never do.

"I... besides from dealing with, well, anxiety, I also suffer from depression..." His eyes widened and tensed up, staring at me with the same shock I felt when he mentioned PTSD. I continued "I have insomnia as well, and... a psychiatrist said I probably had PTSD, considering some constant dreams I have..."

"i... how?"

What?

"i mean, how can you have all those things and still want to help others instead of yourself?"

I stared at him, dumbfounded. Then I sighed with a smile on my face, trying to feel as confident as I could.

"Making others happy is what makes me happy, Sans. And that's what I need the most..."

"To be happy"

#sans x reader #sansxreader #more than i thought fanfiction #more than i thought #chapter 13 #sans #x reader #undertale

3 notes · View notes

reignsupremewellness-blog · 5 years ago

Text

Memoir PT.1

What all started as a routine physical almost three years ago has been a big effect in my life today. The last year has been filled with doctors, tests, and more tests. For most of my young womanhood I have always had trouble with weight gain, hormonal cystic acne, depression, staying motivated, and dietary issues. This has always had me really alert and adamant about doing everything in my control to maintain a healthy lifestyles to make changes on most of my concerns. I was constantly at the dermatologist, gynecologist and my primary care doctor for birth control or hormone therapy, topical treatments or antibiotics. In the back of my mind I knew that it could possibly that I had an imbalance or that something was not functioning correctly in my body because the struggles were so far out of reach for me with making progress.

Three years ago I was having my regular physical at my primary care. It has always been normal for my blood work and vitals to be normal and everything was functioning well. My doctor was a very sweet and humorous young woman I had been seeing her for almost a year at that point. She was very knowledgeable and always assisting me with my needs and concerns. While dong my exam she paused when she reached my neck area. She then began to feel on the front of my neck in my thyroid area focusing on the lower area. She asked me if I had noticed that there was a lump in my thyroid area or if I had any pain or trouble swallowing. I began to feel the lump and surprisingly it was pretty noticeable and felt firm, did not notice it before and it did not have any pain. She scheduled me an appointment in radiology to get a sonogram of that area. After my first sonogram it was shown that I had a 1.5 cm nodule on the right side of my thyroid, after that she scheduled me to see an endocrinologist and I was then scheduled to have a fine needle aspiration biopsy. I knew that this was pretty serious and was something that needed to be addressed and when my appointment came for some odd reason I decided to go alone. I was nowhere prepared as I thought I was for my biopsy procedure I read up on the biopsy process but I guess I did not think it was going to be that bad. The procedure is very uncomfortable while laying on your back with a little numbing gel on your neck that did nothing but burn for me because I have sensitive skin. The doctor inserts a three inch needle in my neck four times to draw out four samples from the nodule. Not a pleasant feeling and I never wanted to experience that again. The result of that biopsy came back with results being undetermined. Undetermined was still not a crystal clear result and not cancelling or confirming if that nodule was benign or cancerous. So I had to schedule another fine needle aspiration three months from then.

After having some health insurance issues out of my control I was no longer covered to receive treatments at my physician’s office. I received this news about a month before my second biopsy appointment. I would have to start this process all over with a new team of doctors. During this time that I was switching my doctors I began to do a lot of research on this, growing very knowledgeable on thyroid and the connection it plays on my overall health. Including issues with my hormones, acne, anxiety and momentum, everything was started to all come together and make more sense to me.

Months of getting new appointments scheduled, labs transferred and specialty referrals I finally had a new endocrinologist to take over with my biopsy. Last year in September 2018 my second biopsy appointment finally arrived this time I absolutely did not go alone, I asked my angel to come. My mom happily obliged to accompany me to my appointment she has always shown me a great deal of support, faith and encouragement. While having the biopsy which included a sonogram it was shown that in addition to my 1.5 cm nodule, I had a second nodule on the right side of my thyroid, but it was under the size that required testing. About three weeks later the results came back with the result undetermined again. At this point things became a scary for me I knew that this was something that could turn out to be very serious but I always had a lot of faith and was positive that it was nothing wrong.

My third fine needle aspiration biopsy was scheduled and trust me I was not looking forward to it at ALL and I was really nervous about the outcome of my testing. My endocrinologist explained to me that this time the samples from the biopsy would be tested in a different way from the first and second biopsy and it would be sent on for genetic testing. Genetic testing was a new technology that is used recently to test the cells in the nodule and get clearer results. My doctor revealed all of the possible outcomes depending on the results and that it was a chance that my nodule was cancerous, and if it was cancerous I would have to undergo surgery to remove partial of my thyroid or my entire thyroid and have to take synthetic hormone medicine for the rest of my natural life and receive cancer treatment. There was also a chance that the nodule could be benign and could be left alone. In my mind I was like, “ME WITH CANCER? NO WAY…NO WAY, THERE COULD BE NO WAY. Honestly these thoughts sat with me day and night I did not know was in store for my future.

A month and a half later my results came back from the genetic test. The results were “malignant follicular neoplasm”. Malignant follicular neoplasm means that the genetic testing came back positive for cancer cells. All of this was very scary for me I had not had any other medical issues or surgery thankfully. Not only was this very disappointing for me it was officially stated that I could have cancer and I knew that the chances of the nodule benign was out of the window. Again that result was not crystal clear, so you know what that meant MORE TESTING. At that point I wanted more to just be healthy, I wanted answers, and I did not want to have anything to do with cancer. Unfortunately for me cancer was a %50 chance, and I had to schedule my surgery to remove that right side of my thyroid.

My endocrinologist referred me to an otolaryngologist surgeon and we decided to just take out of right side of my thyroid that contained nodules, the fact that it was a %50 chance that the nodule was cancerous or benign. It was explained to me that if that pathology report from my surgery shown that it was cancer I would have to have another surgery within the next month to have the left side of thyroid removed and start cancer treatment and begin to take the synthetic hormone until my last days on earth. After discussing all possible options and outcomes, and testing my vocal cords with a spydy camera inside of my nostrils all the way down to my voice box it was time to schedule my surgery. Being faith driven I decided to look at the glass being half full instead of half empty and for that reason alone I told myself that it would not be cancer.

The big day was scheduled for January 11, 2019. It was an outpatient surgery and I stayed overnight for observation it was my first surgery ever and anesthesia was involved which was also a first for me. My recovery time was about a month and it was not easy. Very difficult to talk, eat, drink, and swallow because of the breathing tube and my painful incision. Transitioning and recovery was a roller coaster to me and this new situation required a lot of lifestyle changes. I also had some mess with my employer that did not make this process for me any easier. I had to get used to my new scar that was difficult for me too and made my situation a little more transparent than I wanted it to be. Two weeks after my surgery the results were in. I was diagnosed with Papillary Carcinoma aka thyroid cancer. To make matters worse another surgery had to be scheduled to remove the other side of my thyroid in THREE WEEKS. I have to go through this surgery process all over again and deal with my new condition. What a BLOW, honestly this news blew me away I was in total disbelief, shocked, saddened, the worst heartbreak yet. How could I have cancer? What did I do to cause it? Will this cancer spread? Will I die? Is cancer therapy going to drastically change my life and I will have no hair or energy? I could write a book on the emotions I felt just alone from the doctor telling me my results. It was time to share this news, tell my family and closest friends and deal with it. Tell my employer which is my least favorite place, my personal life changing news. I went numb like a zombie, I was having an out of body experience knowing I was functioning but not feeling like I was physically present day in and out. I am a very private and reserved person now in my life and it was not easy to talk about or explain this to people.

#thyroid #thyroidcancer #hypothyroidism #africanamericanwomen #wellness #endocrinology #vegan #plantbased #womenshealth

1 note · View note

the-mira-life-project-mtf · 6 years ago

Text

Male To Female ~ Hormone Replacement Therapy Fears

Hormone Replacement Therapy Fears-- My Transgender Journey

When it was 6 months…I was excited to have H.R.T….I wanted to start it right away and hated the wait! It felt like it would be years before I could correct what was wrong with me and as the months wore away, my paranoia grew. At the turn of the New Year, January ushered only 3 and a half months and I began to doubt myself. In March, the dysphoria hit new levels as I began to ‘fear’ the idea of doing hormone replacement therapy. I even considered ‘skipping’ my appointment and pretend that this all was a bad idea! I found that the only way to calm myself was to write down these fears in the articles that you are reading. Who knows…in two years I will read these articles and have a good laugh or be ashamed of my decisions. I know that no one can ‘advise’ me on the right thing to do. Forums, blogs, messaging and one-on-one are just for conversation…in the end, it is all up to me to make the correct decisions in the end. Back in January, I had read many blogs about the jitters LGBT folks have prior to their therapy. Logically, I should seek out a therapist to talk to about my fears and concerns…but it would change nothing! The advice that the community always offers is to brave through it. It is only natural to be afraid and if you were not afraid, then you really have a problem! I always wanted to believe that this all was psychological and I was going through a phase because of my failed relationship with my girlfriend. My brain would paint pictures of the worse-case scenarios as I battled with myself.

________________________________________________________________

THE FACE

‘You can’t hide your face!’ my inner voice would tell me. I’ve seen hundreds of pictures of men’s faces slowly turning into something…androgynous. H.R.T. does not make men look feminine and woman look masculine. ‘You will be ridicule!’ the voice mocks me. I would stare at my face…I can tolerate my face for a short time as it has changed in the last three years as my cheeks have puffed up. I try to imagine myself with plump lips and weak-looking jawline but as I look at my eye-brow…I am lucky I have fine eyebrows that are much higher on my face than my male counterparts. But my lips are small and thin…they would need a lot of growing! Like testing the waters, I made small modification to my appearance to see if I can adjust. The biggest modification I made was my hair! For nearly 10 years, I had my head nearly shaved because I needed to appear masculine to gain authority and respect from my peers in the field of geology and science. When I was unable to be a geologist due to my health, I slowly grew out my hair in 2018 and even having hair greatly changed my appearance as having hair took some time to get used to. For the first time in 10 years, I actually had to buy a comb to brush my hair and when I awoke in the morning, it looked as if I was getting in touch with my Einstein looks! I looked at my long hair and it brought me bliss…a sensation I have not felt when it comes to my person. I spent time actually brushing it throughout the day as I watched the ends of the hair swirl in odd patterns…curling up, straighten and some actually flowing against predicted patterns. Having long hair seemed right, it looked like I was denying my masculinity as my face was framed by my hair, making my cheeks look puffier.

________________________________________________________________

THE PUBLIC

‘What will you do when you start to look feminine…how will you explain this to your family?’ the inner voice asks me as I know that H.R.T.’s end results is to look feminine with hints of masculinity. I know that people will look at me, I am going to have to deal with everyone I know at some point! I can only keep my family in the dark for so long before I can’t hide my breast growth, feminine face or feminine body any longer. I will have to answer questions and avoid situations that might emotionally compromise me. Even where I live, the town is small and my church friends know me well…what will they think? What about the people at the YMCA where I go 3 times a week? Personally, I am a very private individual. I like to do many volunteer jobs at various locations. As I volunteer at Camp Sealth on Vashon Island, only a month before my H.R.T. appointment and I am exercising my male privilege as I rely on my muscles and strength to do meaningless labor intense jobs. I think to myself: ‘If I do H.R.T. I might be unable to do this stuff again!’ as I know that most men who take estrogen lose much of their muscle mass…for lean mass...becoming weaker in the process. It has been about a year since most of my friends at Camp last saw me and they use ‘masculine’ terms to identify me as saying: ‘The Man is here!’ ‘Hey Big Guy!’ ‘Hey Dude!’ There is nothing wrong with them trying to strike up small-talk, but they know me as a man. What will they think if I come back with breasts, a feminine face or even a new name? Will they respect me? Treat me the same? The uncertainty was a killer! I don’t want to be called the transsexual! I hate that term! That is what I fear greatly…labels! I don’t want to be known as the freak, the degenerate or a discussion topic at the next family get together! There's so much social stigma to it and I don't understand why I can't be happy with my biological gender from birth….I wish it were that easy, I wish I did not have to undergo such dramatic procedures to balance myself…but I wish people were equally accepting of the situation and supportive when it was socially acceptable! Life would be much easier then! The problem with dysphoria is that it can take many avenues within a day. For example: In the morning, I feel feminine and wonder why I doubt my dysphoria as I know it is real! I long for balance as I prepare for the day. By afternoon, depending on my day, I tend to slip into my masculine mind as I doubt my feminine side. This is where the problems begin and can last throughout the day and into the evening hours. By the evening, I usually am still in my masculine phase, but its hold is weakening as the nighttime hours bring me back to thinking feminine and longing for my missing characteristics...writing my feeling in books and art is the only thing that seems to help. When I am with others, I take the gender the best suits me…but if I try to be man or woman without the other, I am worn down and emotionally exhausted. Ironically, being masculine is my weakest suit and prefer to remain in my feminine suit which feels comfortable. This is called ‘imposter syndrome.’ We spend time pretending to be someone outside our birth gender, and fearing that we will be ‘found out’. For example, I spent many hours pretending I was Delenn from Babylon 5. I would dress like her, arrange my hair like hers and even adapt her characteristics and personality to my own. I even wore breast forms while dressed like her at night as I feared someone would see me if I did so in the daytime. When I did not dress like Delenn, I would choose careers and tasks that suited to Mira, my female personality. I even did things that weren’t manly like sitting to urinate or squatting to pee while hiking in the woods. I would be aware of my nipples and lack of breasts as I lifted things…even walked with a sway to my hips. It was so obvious that even my girlfriend suspected that I might be possibly asexual without me saying a word.

________________________________________________________________

THE YMCA

‘You will have to find a new activity…you won’t be able to swim when you have breasts!’ comes another comment that I had much time to think about. Already, I don’t conform with most male swimmers at the Y! I refuse to use the Male-Changing Room and use the Universal Changing Room as they are private and single occupancy. I’ve seen the cruel side of male-changing rooms when I was in high school and I dread them! I hide my chest as I wear a shirt that seems to reveal my chest worse than if I went in shirtless. I began wearing shirts to pools when I was only 9 years old because I felt that if women had to hide their chest…so did I...that is what I was taught by my mom. Then I wondered: ‘At what point in transition would I have to remain covered even if I wanted to go shirtless…does it apply to gender-fluid people?’ Logically, the spoken rule is that the nipple needs to be covered if your a woman. The breast is only covered as most suits are made that way to hide the nipples. But does that apply to MtF people? Technically, we are not female nor male. Even now, with the growth I’ve obtained from prednisone, I remain covered up as they ‘appear’ as big pecs or fatty male breasts. If I take H.R.T., they will grow and fill out like female breasts and be quite visible on my body. About a year ago, I was conscientious about them and even now find myself doing the Picard maneuver to hide the nipples from poking in the fabric when I am sitting, wet. However, I am lease concern about what people might think of them when they walk on by. Honestly, I don’t care…I am here to take care of my health, not subjugate to their ideology or sexism. I find that the least I am concerned about the opinions of others, the easier I can accept my gender-fluid nature. I know that my change might be noticed by the staff who have gotten to know me over the two years, but I doubt that they will really be condemning on my transformation as they are mainly female. Nevertheless, I have greater fears to occupy myself with!

________________________________________________________________

THE BRAIN

‘Your brain will change!’ the voice warns me as I can’t find any information to dispute or prove this claim. The truth is that we don’t know the full extent of estrogen on the male brain. We know that hormones play a major part in our bodies’ chemistry and influence how we live in out worlds.

‘You will become sexually attracted to men…’ the voice says, giving a sucker punch to my non-existent sexuality. Honest truth, I am lease likely to be attracted to men as I am of women…but the comment scares me nevertheless! It is well established in the studies of mammals that differences in the male and female brain structure can be reversed by sex hormones, even in adulthood. However, it is not known whether alterations in sex hormone levels can change structures of the human brain in adulthood. In human adults, the volumes of the brain and hypothalamus of males tend to be larger than those of females. The findings of a research on transgender individuals suggest that treatment of MtFs with estrogen's and anti-androgen's decreases the male brain size towards female proportions. The magnitude of this change occurs typically in 4 months! Cogitative tests found that in 3 months the patients had a decline in anger and aggression proneness, sexual arousal, sexual desire, and spatial ability (usually males outperform females) and in an increase in verbal fluency (usually females outperform males)…meaning it is scientifically plausible to ‘think’ as a woman as the brain is transformed into a female brain via hormones. It is plausible to assume that adding testosterone back would reverse the transformation as the study found women taking testosterone had their brain turn male (actually growing in size!). However, there is no evidence that I would be attracted to men…actually, as testosterone is converted to oestrogen, sexual desire will be greatly reduced. There are documented cases that the sense of smell will change as the brain is transformed, making me acceptable to male pheromones as compared to female pheromones (as my body will release female pheromones while taking estrogen), but this will not change my sexual preferences which are based on family teachings. As I read medical journals on the brain and hormone influence, I am left with a concern that I might transform to quickly! Or maybe not quick enough! Will my insurance cover the medication? I already know it will not cover my visits at Cedar Rivers! One of the best yearly diaries I have read explained what happened to one MtF: Week 1 -- Libido changes and patient notices male musty scents. Emotional state changes to unstable. Patient have become more temperamental and emotional as the estrogen acts like a toxin. Patient was also more calm and at ease with themselves. 1 Month -- Patients sex drive completely changed. Erections don't happen at will anymore. Breast growth started it's very early stages (Breast buds along with nipples that are very painful to the touch). A slight change is going on in the face...mainly fatty tissue growth. Also, muscle strength loss is very noticeable, however no muscle mass lost. 2 Months -- Face has rounded a tiny bit and skin texture has changed. Scalp hair has grown quicker. The muscles are literally melting away. Most patients begin taking anti-androgen now. 3 Months -- Skin is getting a bit lighter in color as pigment changes. Breasts are becoming noticeable thru the shirt and investment in a training bra might be needed. Libido changed from visual stimulation to emotional stimulation. 4-6 Months -- Body hair is falling off arms, legs, chest and back. The face started changing a little more rapidly now. The jaw is becoming weaker in appearance. The skin is very dry during the winter. 7 Months -- The changes are now very obvious to family and friends. Most patients achieve an A-cup in size. Patient will begin having a harder time telling if it is female or male. Most patients refrain from gendering until they call them by the second name! Most gender-neutral patients switch between calling themselves male and female. Patient claims they had shrank in size about 1.5 inches in height. 8 Months -- Patient is called a female more than male at this point. Some patient’s feet shrink in 1-2 shoe sizes. Patient’s scalp hair begins to feel thicker. 9-10 Months -- Patient's face further feminized. Patient could see the fat in their cheeks collecting and they started getting more comfortable with seeing themselves as a female as the brain chemistry changes. Also, Patients body hair was growing in a lot slower on their body. Patient only needs to shave their legs and torso about once a week...some can go up to a month depending on genetics. Patient typically grow into a small B-cup bra as growth slows. Patients muscles diminished. 11 Months -- Patient feet still might lose width (however bones will not shrink due to H.R.T.). Patients typically lose about an inch in their overall height as their muscle mass is depleted. 12 Months -- Changes seem to be slowing down; like they were in months 4-6. The patients face is still shaping more and more each week, filling out. Otherwise patients breasts don't hurt anymore (although they have been off and on throughout the whole process after month 3 or so). With 12 days to go...I am excited and scared to death of the unknown and the consequences of either not doing H.R.T. or actually undergoing H.R.T.. What really has my concern is that I am honest-to-god thinking about Sex Reassignment Surgery (SRS) as a possibility if I don't like how my breasts look or to rid of my penis which has disgusted me ever-since I learned what it was designed for. I also am considering breast reduction as I begin to wonder: 'It is these moobs that have made me question my gender!' Maybe if they are gone...maybe I will balance? I am torn in-between two worlds as in one world I want breasts and in another world...I don't want them because it will always be a reminder of my imbalance. I began to contemplate: 'What if I grew them and see if having breasts made my dysphoria better? If I don't like them or they cause me too much grief...I can always have them surgically removed! It would be a process I would have to take if I wanted to enhance my masculinity!' In 12 days...I will know what path I choose to follow!

4 notes · View notes

jencey86 · 7 years ago

Text

Take My Pain Away - Chapter 20

*TRIGGER WARNING* This story contains narcotic abuse, self harm, mentions of eating disorder, and emotional abuse.

Title: Take My Pain Away Rating: Overall M due to Content

Pairing: Dani/Santana. Mentions of Finn/Rachel, Quinn/female OC Genre: Angst with eventual Romance

Chapter Word Count: 4,483

Take My Pain Away

Chapter 20 – Week 20

January 6, Monday – Glee

Santana’s absence didn’t go unnoticed throughout the day. Of course there had been chatter surrounding it, but Dani did her best to keep her cool. The people in the school were the best at coming up with rumors. She had heard everything from her being arrested, to her dying in another car accident. Granted, it was the latter of those that really made Dani’s skin crawl. They joked about it like it was something that was meant to be funny.

“So, you guys know where she is. Where is she?” Artie spoke when he saw Dani walking into the choir room and sitting with Quinn and Rachel, her normal spot in the room.

The girl just shook her head some and chuckled. “Well, I’ll confirm to you that she’s not dead, since that seems to be the going rumor.” She put her bag down on the floor and glanced at her phone before replying to a quick text message from Santana. “She’s okay, she’s just at home and will be until next Monday.”

“Why, what happened?” That time it was Mercedes asking the question.

Dani ran her fingers through her hair before turning around to look at the girl and the others then. “She fell and broke her hip on Christmas and decided to go through with the hip replacement surgery. When she comes back she’ll probably be using a wheelchair to get around school easier.” She wasn’t exactly surprised by everybody’s reactions. Quinn and Rachel already knew and she was sure that Puck already knew too because of Quinn.

“You mean she actually had it?”

The girl nodded and looked to her phone again when she felt it vibrate. “She’s about to head to one of her physical therapy appointments now. Honestly, she’s walking better than she was before, but they don’t want her spending too much time on it yet while it’s still healing, hence the wheelchair when she comes back next Monday.”

Dani hated the fact that she couldn’t be with her girlfriend that day. It was her first day of therapy and she was stuck in school while Maribel took Santana to the appointment. She hardly paid attention as their teacher came in to start talking about Nationals and how he had decided to let the Seniors pick the set list.

Dani: He’s finally caved and is letting us pick the songs.

Santana: It’s about damn time we know what we can do that is best for everybody

“Dani and Santana should definitely have another duet.” Rachel suggested, taking Dani and everybody else by surprise.

“Wait… you’re willing to give up the limelight to other people. I never thought that was possible.” Dani teased her best friend, earning a huff.

“It’s our senior year, we get four songs, all of us can be showcased in some way.”

Dani smiled widely and reached out to rest her hand on Rachel’s shoulder. “I think that’s a wonderful idea, Rachel. This will be the last show for a majority of you. It should belong to you.” Mr. Schuester agreed with her before moving over to the piano to grab the envelope that he’d placed there when he came in. “I have something that I got in my mailbox this morning. This year’s National’s theme.”

That was something that got everybody’s attention. Dani put her phone down for a minute to watch as he opened up the envelope to pull the sheet out with all of the information.

“As most of you know from last year, it’s 40 teams competing from all over the country. We need to do our best to hold onto our title from last year.” He smiled to the group in front of him. “This year’s theme, perseverance.”

Dani couldn’t help but laugh some and shake her head. She already knew she could go on all day long about songs related to that topic. Ignoring the looks around her, she went back to her phone.

Dani: National’s theme perseverance

Santana: You’re kidding me… that’s perfect

“Do you mind sharing what’s funny about that theme, Dani?” Mr. Schuester asked, pulling her attention from her phone in her hand.

“Nothing, Mr. Schue. Santana thinks the theme is just perfect by the way.” She went quiet after that, knowing that only Quinn and Rachel knew the underlying meaning behind Dani’s reaction and Santana’s statement. They were the only ones that knew anything that was going on in their private world. “I could just list songs off all day about that topic is all. You guys only know about the tip of the iceberg with me.”

Dani: They’re all staring at me. I told him I could list songs all day long and made the mistake of saying what they know is the tip of the iceberg. Fuck me

Santana: Baby, it’s okay. You don’t have to tell them anything you don’t want to

Santana: I’ve been thinking about opening up some to them too, but we’ll see

That was definitely something they’d have to talk about later on. Dani wasn’t sure if she was ready to tell them all about her eating problem. Sure, a lot of it had already been blasted around the school as a rumor, but she never confirmed any of it.

January 6, Monday – Santana’s House – 3PM

The therapy session left her in some pain. But it was weird. The pain she felt was nothing compared to what she felt on a daily basis beforehand. “I’m going to stay down here for a little bit before going to my room.” Santana slowly walked into the living room, taking the step down carefully.

“Is Quinn coming by with your homework later?” Maribel asked, following her daughter into the living room to make sure she was settled on the recliner.

“Yeah, she said she’d come by right after school.” She dug out her phone from her pocket then pulled the lever to prop her legs up so she’d be comfortable. “Dani texted me the theme for National’s this year. Perseverance. Her and I could have a field day with that.”

“Then have a field day with that. Come up with a list of songs to share about it. You’ve both gone through so much just this school year alone.” Maribel reached out to run her fingers through Santana’s hair gently. “I wish you weren’t so afraid in school. When you’re home you’re yourself. But just hearing you and the girls talk I know things are school are different. Why do you care so much what others think?”

“Because we live in backwaters Ohio. If we lived in a bigger city then I honestly wouldn’t care. But there aren’t a lot of gay people around here, you and I both know that. Kurt and Blaine… and Dani. That’s about it that I know of. Oh, and Rachel’s dads but we know the kind of treatment they get for being open.” She saw her mother’s face change some in understanding. “So, I choose not to be out in school. It’s easier that way. The rumor mill has already started because people see me with Dani, but I’m careful not to do anything to confirm it.”

Santana watched her mother for a moment. She knew what the Berry’s have had done to their home just because they were a couple of gay men. The people that lived in Lima weren’t accepting of anything they didn’t consider to be normal and they passed that on to their kids. “Bree goes after Dani almost daily. Poking fun at how much weight she gained over the summer, and you already know why she gained weight over the summer. Even though I was a cheerio, I’m not immune to it either. I can’t wait to see what happens when they see me in a wheelchair.” Santana added on and sighed softly.

“Mija, it’ll only be for about two weeks until your hip gets strong enough to walk from one side of the school to the other.” Maribel sat on the armrest of the recliner and reached out to take her daughter’s phone when she tried to look at it and distract from their conversation. “I wish you would have talked to us sooner about all of this. I want you to tell me if it continues once you go back. Your father and I will take care of it.”

The teen took a deep breath and nodded some before shifting so she could lean into her mother. “Dani’s mom outed me as her girlfriend in front of the glee club when we were at regionals. They didn’t care. But I’m afraid of others knowing, I saw the torment she went through last year when she came out.”

“But you being with Dani and how loving you two are in private… honey, it’s only a matter of time before people catch on or you two slip up in public. People will figure it out. Isn’t it better to tell them on your own terms then to have someone tell everybody for you?”

Santana sighed softly as she thought. She knew, deep down, her mother was right. She was comfortable, for the most part, with being a lesbian. At least being out to the people she trusted helped her to feel comfortable. “I’ll talk with Dani about it.” She offered her mom a small smile before relaxing some against her. “I just don’t want to go to school and be scared like I know Kurt was for a while.”

Maribel slid her arm around Santana’s shoulder and leaned down to kiss the top of her head. “You just have to promise that you’ll talk to me if something happens.” She kissed the top of her head again once she felt Santana nod against her stomach.

January 7, Tuesday – Santana’s House – 5PM

“I have to say, you two are absolutely adorable together when you’re not trying to hide anything.”

Santana lifted her head off Dani’s shoulder to glare at the other brunette. “You watch it Berry, I can easily kick you out of my house.”

“And there’s the Santana that I know.” Rachel shot back as she adjusted on the foot of the bed to finish off the last of her homework.

“You’re lucky I like Dani or else you wouldn’t be here right now.”

“And you’re lucky that you’re hurt or I’d smack you.” Dani turned her head to look at her girlfriend. Santana just grinned to her, causing Dani to laugh and lean in to kiss her softly. “Did you finish the homework Quinn brought you yesterday?”

Santana shook her head. “She brought me the assignments for all week that I’ll miss. I got a good chunk of it done earlier today because I was bored. Sitting up for a while starts to hurt so here I am, stretched out with you.”

Rachel looked up from her math homework to watch Santana slid her arm around Dani’s waist. “Are you guys going to the Valentine’s Day dance?” She noticed how Santana immediately tensed up some. “You could go as friends, people do that all the time.”

Santana actually wanted to talk with Dani about that, but it was also something she wanted to do in private. She wanted to go to the dance with Dani. As a couple. But she was still scared to do so. “What’s on your mind, baby. If I can trust Rachel, so can you. She knew everything about this past summer. Her and Finn where the ones that finally talked and got me to get help.” Dani explained as she ran her fingers gently along Santana’s back.

“I um…” she took a deep breath and played with the bottom of Dani’s shirt some in order to keep herself occupied. “I wanted to ask you to the dance in private. I was talking with mami yesterday and about how I shouldn’t be as scared to be who I am at school. So I spent a lot of time last night thinking about it and I knew the dance was next month.” She heard Rachel laugh as Dani cut her off with a kiss.

“Of course I’ll go to the dance with you.” Dani whispered against Santana’s lips. She knew there was more they needed to talk about in private and she respected Santana’s desire to do that.

Rachel noticed the change between them and started to pack up her things. “I’m not going to force her to talk to me if she doesn’t want to. I’ll finish up my homework at home. Thanks for inviting me over for a while.” Rachel slid everything into her backpack then moved up to give Dani a quick hug. She patted Santana’s shoulder gently, not sure if the girl would accept a hug or not from her, but she chose not to push her limit. “I’ll see you tomorrow at school, Dani.”

The Latina watched the girl leave before she pulled back and sat up some. “You know how hard it is for me to talk.” She chuckled some when she spotted the familiar smile on Dani’s face. “I’m still scared for how everybody will react to it. But I want to be able to hug you and kiss you at school.”

“Then hug me and kiss me at school.” Dani stated to her and reached out to cup her cheek. “I know it’s a lot for you to overcome. I remember how much you panicked in Cincinnati when my mother showed up. But you have others on your side. It’s not just me and you against them. We’ve got Quinn, and Rachel, and the others too.” Dani ran her thumb gently along Santana’s jaw.

“I’ll just need your help to have the courage to do it.” She leaned in some to rest her forehead against the girl’s and sighed softly.

Dani leaned in to kiss her gently, letting it linger for a moment before pulling back. “How about I just hug you in the morning. Just don’t even think about it and give you a hug and a kiss before we head to our first class?” She whispered against her lips before pressing them together again. If Dani were to be honest with herself, she couldn’t get enough of Santana’s lips and could easily spend all day kissing the other girl.

Santana sucked in a deep breath, forcing herself to break the kiss from Dani so she could look at her. “Okay.” If Dani were to kiss her in school, she knew there was no way she could deny the girl. There would be a lot of shock and she knew that all it would take was one person to see them for the entire school to know before lunch that they were a couple. “I think I’m ready.” She smiled to her and nodded. “At least I’ve got a few more days to work myself up to it.”

Chuckling some, Dani stretched out against the pillows and pulled Santana close to her again to hold her. “It’s a shame that you’re restricted to any kind of physical activity for another week.” She grinned to her girlfriend.

“Don’t remind me.” Santana huffed as she wrapped her arm around Dani’s stomach and rested her head on her chest. “It’s not fair to get all worked up and know I can’t do anything about it.” She pouted more when Dani just chuckled again at her. “You hush, you can take care of it when you get home. I can’t do anything. I tried last night and you never realize how many muscles you use until you’re hurting.”

“Soon enough we can have fun again.” Dani kissed the top of her girlfriend’s head before turning back to the movie that had been playing in the background.

January 9, Thursday – Santana’s Therapy – 4PM

The Latina looked toward her best friend as she slid up onto the table for Matt to start with her range of motion for her hip. “So Dani and I talked the other day.” She laid back on the table and got as comfortable as she could until Matt could get back to her. “I want to take her to the Valentine’s Day dance.” Santana glanced over in time to see a huge smile spread across Quinn’s face.

“I have a feeling there’s more to that too.” Quinn made herself comfortable on the chair beside Santana’s table. “Going to the dance together means everybody will know you’re together.”

“I want people to know we’re together before the dance… I just want you to stay close to me Monday morning. She’s going to hug and kiss me before we part ways.” She saw the way Quinn’s eyes shot open. “Yeah… I figured. I can’t deny her a kiss. I’m tired of hiding who I am. I want to be able to be close to her in school too, not just in the choir room.” She looked up and smiled toward Matt when he made his way over to the table to check on her hip. Santana turned her head away some when he adjusted the waistband of her pants to check on the incision area as well.

“When do you get your staples out?” He asked then moved to the base of the table to lift her leg up onto his shoulder.

“Tomorrow morning. I think the appointment is at like 11. My mom’s taking me.” Santana hissed when he lifted her leg up a little too far.

Matt let up a little bit when he heard Santana’s reaction. “Your range of motion is almost to where it should be with a healthy hip. Have you been walking around your house?” Santana nodded. “What about stairs? How are you doing with those?”

Santana let her body relax as Matt took her left leg and stretched it out to the left. “Stairs are still slow. First day home was the worst. I went up and stayed up there.”

“What matters is that you’re doing them. The steps help to build up the strength that you lost since the wreck. Alright, come on, bike time. You know the routine by now, it hasn’t changed since before your accident.”

“I’m coming with you, we have to finish our conversation.” Quinn left her things by the table, knowing Santana would make a full circle and end up back at the table for some heat on her hip.

Santana chuckled at her friend as she slid off the table and went over to get onto the bike. “All of this is really weird. I almost forgot what it was like to have just little aches here and there. How long until I can start running or something?” From the corner of her eye she saw Quinn smiling at her.

“That might still be a little while. You want to avoid higher impact activities for about a month. Walking is okay though, so are stairs. Two more weeks I’ll put you on the treadmill in a light jog to see how you do, deal?”

“Sounds like a deal to me.”

Quinn waited until they were alone again before looking down at Santana. “Where did this old Santana confidence come from?”

“I talked with my mother some. I don’t feel as helpless as I did before I fell.”

“Honestly, I missed that Santana. The one that didn’t give a shit about what anybody thought of her. The one that realized once she got out of this place that nobody would care if she was gay.” Quinn stated to her, causing Santana to nod up to her as she peddled slowly on the bike. “Dani doesn’t care what others think, why should you?”

Santana knew her best friend was right. She had been all along. Once they graduated, none of them would care about any of this because they’d be able to get out of Lima and move to a bigger city where people just didn’t care. “It’s still going to be rough.” She stated to her friend then, earning a pat on the shoulder from Quinn.

“Trust me. I understand. I’m dealing with some things too that I’m trying to understand.” Quinn admitted softly. When she saw the way Santana’s head snapped up to look at her, she brushed it off. “How about I invite myself over Saturday night and we can talk some more?”

“Dani’s coming over, would that be okay?”

The blonde nodded. “That will be fine. Maybe she can help too to be honest.”

Santana furrowed her brows some as she just watched her best friend, but she decided not to push the topic. Quinn didn’t push with her when she was struggling to talk about something so she figured it was best to return the favor.

January 11, Saturday – Santana’s room – 8PM

Quinn had come over shortly after they’d finished having dinner. Santana figured she wanted to stay the night and it didn’t bother her a bit, knowing she could throw the air mattress on the floor. She made her way up the steps with her girlfriend and best friend before climbing into her bed to get comfortable off of her hip. “So, okay. It’s been bothering me since you brought it up Thursday. What’s going on Q?”

Dani slipped into the bed beside Santana and looked toward the blonde. “Is everything okay?” Dani propped herself up on Santana’s pillows as Quinn sat down at the foot of the bed and looked at something on her phone. Without a word the blonde loaded up a picture of a girl and turned it around to show them. “Who’s that? She’s cute.”

“Very cute.” Santana agreed before she adjusted her pillows so she could curl up on her right side and still see Quinn.

“Her name is Emily… and I’ve been talking to her.”

Quinn’s simple statement caused Santana to sit up quickly. “Wait, what? Talking how?”

The blonde blushed and dimmed her phone screen as she pulled back. “Talking like you two talk… in that sense.” Quinn nervously ran her fingers through her hair.

“Are you coming out to us right now?” Dani reached out to take Quinn’s hand gently.

“Honestly, I don’t know. I thought I liked Puck. But when I slept with him, I hated it.”

“You fucking slept with him and you didn’t tell me?” Santana almost wanted to smack her friend then and she would have if Quinn wasn’t so torn over everything.

Quinn pulled her hand back and glared at Santana. “That’s why I didn’t want to tell you. It happened at New Years. He took me to a party where he spent more time with his friends than he did with me so I started talking to some people there and met Emily.”

Santana looked toward Dani for a moment before she leaned back down to relax on her bed. “So, tell us about her. You know we won’t judge you, Quinn.” Dani pulled back from Quinn and started to run her fingers through Santana’s hair gently.

The blonde smiled some to her friends and moved to cross her legs under her so she’d be more comfortable on the bed. “She’s 22 and in the Law masters program at the Ohio Northern University.” She watched their eyebrows shoot up. “Yes, she is aware of the fact I’m a senior in high school and that I’m not 18 yet. That’s why we’re just talking. She did, however, kiss me at the party before she knew I wasn’t a student there.”

“Aren’t you still with Puck though? Does he know about all of this?” Santana asked then.

“He saw it happen and of course, Puck being Puck, he thought it was hot and wanted her to join us that night. But I enjoyed the kiss. And I decided to sleep with Puck that night to try to prove something to myself. But I hated it. I don’t know if it was just with him, or guys in general.” Quinn kept her eyes down until she felt Dani’s hand on her arm gently. “Emily has the maturity that I want in someone. Law is what I want to go into, we’ve been talking a lot about that. I feel like I need someone that can challenge me intellectually. And she can.”

Santana glanced up to Dani and smiled. “You like her.” She watched as Quinn looked up and nodded to them.

“I do. And I told Puck that I needed to figure some things out on my own. He didn’t seem to care though. So honestly, he got what he wanted by sleeping with me. I’ve already seen him chasing other girls around school.” Quinn shrugged some.

Santana suddenly let out a loud laugh. “That’s why you didn’t want to watch any of my shows with me. You were afraid it would add to your confusion.” She felt proud of herself for actually piecing something together. “You know I want to meet her now, right?”

Quinn slowly let a smile come to her face as she looked up to meet their eyes finally. “Can you at least wait until after our date next weekend? She wants to take me to a place out in Ada that she loves. Then we’ll go from there.”

Santana sat up then and reached out to hug her friend. She laughed as she kept Quinn in her arms and pulled her down to relax with them. “You staying tonight?” When she felt Quinn nod and laugh some, she pulled back to give her some space. “Make sure you tell your girlfriend good night.” She grinned when Quinn rolled her eyes.

“And there’s the Santana that I know. Can we watch a movie?” Quinn wiggled out from between them and went to the bag she had brought with her.

“Only if you go and fetch us all some ice cream. And you let us pick the movie.”

The blonde rolled her eyes and left the room to head downstairs. The moment she was gone, Dani turned to look at her girlfriend. “I was not expecting that at all.” Santana shook her head. “You know her better than I do, and you didn’t suspect anything?”

“Nothing. I mean at that party she hinted at being curious after her and I kissed, but I never thought she’d be gay.” Santana reached over Dani to grab her remote so she could turn her TV on and load Netflix. “I suggest we give her a proper welcome to our world.” The Latina grinned and typed in the name of one of her favorite movies. When ‘Imagine Me and You’ popped up, Dani laughed. “Good choice?”

“Good choice.” Dani agreed and pulled Santana close so she could give her a soft kiss before getting comfortable again to eat her ice cream once Quinn brought it back up to them.

#dantana #dantana fanfiction #glee #glee fanfiction #dani #santana lopez #santana #tmpa

6 notes · View notes

wallabywannabe · 7 years ago

Text

Long life update post ahead!

I officially don’t work at Pet Supplies Plus anymore!! The retail burden is lifted! The people I worked at there were all great-(honestly. There were some people that I had worked with there who were Not Great but none of them are there anymore). Working there was a really important step in my life and marked the beginning of the truly stable climb out of the dysfunction-producing depression that i’d been stuck in for so long. It morphed into a a much more functional depression and I acquired so much confidence because other people saw me as hard working, reliable, and efficient. I couldn’t be those things for myself yet, but I could be those for work.

But I was underpaid-the people who benefited from my hard work had no control over my salary-and I needed health insurance before I turn 26 in October. So I’d been looking for a new job for 9 months. And this is something I’m constantly trying not to be ashamed of but still am deep down--I still haven’t finished my bachelors. Because I still have so many mental hang ups when it comes to completing a class-doing homework, showing up to lectures, turning in assignments. That’s where the dysfunctional bit started, and that’s going to be the last thing that will become easy to do again. Because it really used to be easy. And it is still easy for me on a physical level-my brain works just fine when it comes to the understanding and completing---it’s just the mental everest that sometimes pops up first that I have to climb that’s hard. I think that is shame-based too. I feel too old to be taking these classes, to have classes that I still haven’t taken yet. To know that my little sister who is 4 years younger than me is going to graduate before I do. And sometimes I just can’t face that. That’s the part that’s hard.

But anyway, not having a bachelors obviously was a hindrance in the job search. And I got rejected so much! SO much. Which is great, because it means I applied to so much, and as you know, I only received rejections from a small portion of jobs that I didn’t get. And also, i got really good at receiving rejection which is a life skill that will probably help me just as much as all the therapy I’ve been through.

There were a few times when I got really close to a job, but I had to turn it down because the location made it not worth it, or a few I just never called back because I realized when I got the interview I could never do that job. But mostly it was not hearing back from anything and rejections.. And then the best job out of any that I had applied to so far came along--in biology research, the field I want to go into, at U of M, a permanent position, close to home, full time, benefits, didn’t require a bachelors, excellent for my resume, great people, interesting subject--and I got it. After all those rejections, I got the one that mattered. And I’m still actually getting rejection emails from jobs that I applied to months ago, which is great because I didn’t want those anyway! I wanted this one! It must have showed.

And I started 3 weeks ago and I’m so confident in myself and my abilities that I haven’t even been nervous once. It’s very refreshing to be doing something with enough structure and is important enough that there’s always someone there to ask questions and make sure you’re doing something correctly, and I”m taking advantage of that because I didn’t have much of that at my last job. However, I genuinely don’t have a lot of big questions or uncertainties about anything so far. I’m getting better at the procedures the more I do them of course, but if I’m worried that anything might have gone wrong I report it to my lab manager right away, because she made it very clear that she appreciates that and I get the impression that she would never be upset with honesty and is always ready to brainstorm a solution to any problem or mistake. I did some DNA/RNA extractions last week and I got reasonable DNA concentrations but the RNA concentrations didn’t make sense, so she’s going to run the same samples this week and we will try to isolate where I went wrong. She didn’t phrase it like that, but I wouldn’t be hurt if she did, because clearly something happened and I would very much like to figure it out! And I’m not nervous about that either. But otherwise, I’m getting the hang of things and only need to do a bit of fine tuning here and there now and again.

I have a confession to make, which I haven’t told my therapist or anyone about yet...but I stopped taking my medication. I realized I was running low and I didn’t get it refilled and instead just tapered off. That was not the right thing to do, as any doctor or therapist will tell you, it’s best not to make medication changes a) without consulting your doctor and b) in the middle of a major life change. And it’s weird because I’d been very pleased with how well this medicine worked for me (prozac, of all things! The most basic answer!). I’ve been on drugs that didn’t work out before, but I’m not of the mindset that I want to have an end goal of eliminating all drugs. I figured if I needed to take a prescription forever, no big deal. I have to take an antihistamine almost every day too. But when I ran out of the prescription I just felt like yeah, it’s time. I felt the familiar feeling of uncomfortable excitement that happened when I waited too long between doses for a few days, but it was easily assuaged by a few deep breaths and then I went back to business, and it faded completely. Fortunately prozac withdrawal is pretty simple and I was lucky. (disclaimer: that is not the case with many antidepressants! I withdrew from Pristiq mistakenly once and I was half convinced I was an alien species living in a human body. Kind of makes me wonder about some of the psychiatry recommends these days for mental health issues--if there’s risk of introducing such a dramatic instability, is it really advisable to try them at all? but that’s a topic for another post. Or preferably a paper in a psychiatric journal written by an actual doctor.)

Anyway I lucked out with that. I still actually have some left so if I had need to go back on it I easily could have, but I really don’t feel like I need to or want to now. I’m actually doing more cleaning and getting my life in order outside of work these past few weeks that I had been before, which is probably due to this job that I love with this nice normal schedule. And I will have weekends completely off now too, every week, and I think that will make things even better.

There weren’t any classes that I could take for my major over the summer so I haven’t had school these past couple of months which has made things very easy. And with a 9-5 weekday job now, I won’t have much room to take more than one or two classes a semester for the imminent future, which is nice workload-wise, but it does put off my graduation date even farther. That only matters as a point of pride which I will probably always struggle with whenever my graduation year comes up in the future even after I graduate. But it doesn’t really matter logistically, because I have a good job with benefits and I will be on track for yearly raises, and by the time I do graduate and decide to move on to grad school applications I will have a wealth of hands on lab experience already.

I was kind of thinking that I’d start saving up for a car and consider moving to a house with a yard and getting a dog in the next year, but I think I will put that off into the more distant future, probably renew my lease here again. Right now I”m 2 blocks from the campus where I go to school, and I’m directly on the bus route that goes straight to my work. If I were to get a car I wouldn’t even use it to go to and from work because parking is so expensive to park close, or I could park for free and take a shuttle but then that would make my commute just as long and more complicated than taking the bus anyway.

Instead I’m going to put the car on hold and get this hyperthyroidism treatment for Wendy my elderly cat done. I’m going to make an appointment to get the preliminary tests done tomorrow at my regular vet. The actual procedure will probably have to be done at Michigan State. It has a very high success rate and negligible side effects. The only reason I’ve been on the fence is because of the cost. But I have a better job now, and the reason I adopted this cat was to give her the best quality of life possible. Other people raise their eyebrows when I bring it up, because she’s 16 and has other health problems, but it’s not like she’s on her deathbed! She can only feel better once her thyroid is working correctly! The main exception being that she might gain some (much needed!) weight which would put more strain on her arthritic joints, but I have to think added muscle mass will help with that.

Delilah, who had been blessed with healthy teeth until now which has been much appreciated by me considering the teeth brushing attempts have failed and she won’t touch raw bones yet, does need to have dental work done at last so we will schedule that too. And then I’m going to try to brush her teeth again because I haven’t completely given up on that!

#text #mypost

1 note · View note

aidoesntexist · 4 years ago

Text

Hellooooo

So I had my first kiss, and idk how to feel about it, it was just kinda a quick kiss, in my room before we had to leave/drive them home. And they mentioned how I don’t like “public affection” which I haven’t actually have a conversation about it with them yet, so at least I think they’ve picked up on it? Idek, they liked my Christmas gift which is good and I really liked theirs! So idk, they’ve talked about the future and how they can cook, “which is a good thing one of can”, and how “next Halloween we should be Adora and Catra”, which fine I suppose but to me it’s a bit daunting. Since I don’t even know if we’ll still together or if once we get if I’ll be open to trying long distance. Since we’re from NS, but I’m moving to AB and them to BC. Which those two are much closer too each other then one of us staying here but still. It scares me, and I feel horrible thinking these things but since continuing our relentship and not bringing these points up when they talk about the future.

Also another thing, my sister and my friend have become a lot more open talking about s*x and those topics. Which I’m not quite comfortable talking about to other people, and they’ve asked me some kinda uncomfortable questions before which sucks. And pretty much told me “oh your probably asexual” and tried explaining to me how they think about certain things. Which I think their sorta right but not quite? Like I’m sure I’m on that septum sorta like in a demi-sexual since, that I don’t necessarily think that stuff right away or are comfortable with it. The thing is ‘I’ doesn’t know this since I haven’t really brought it up to them yet or mentioned it. Which I know I should but I don’t want them to mad even though I know they won’t be. But it’s not like I’m entirely opposed to such things either? But when I have a relentship with someone’s it’s harder? Idk, it’s complicated.

Okay *TW* eating is hard and I’m trying to lose weight but I’ve backslide so much over the holidays and I feel terrible for it. And hate myself. I feel so fucking fat all the time and just want to be a stick. My sister and my friend were talking about weight and it made me feel worse, *TW mentioning numbers*, like my sister said she’s 117, but before she was complaining about gaining weight over quarantine, and my friend said they were down to 125, and I know they weighted a lot more before and that they’re still quite a bit shorter then me. But just knowing I weigh more (I’m ~130 atm), and that before COVID and everything I had actually weighed less then both of them (115) it just drives me crazier and makes me angry at myself. Because I had gained back everything I had lost and more to be my heaviest, and now it’s so much harder to lose it. I just want to curl up and ceased to exist and I want to be smaller and lighter then both of them.

*TW* this were the other tricky part of them making “plans” and talking about the future come into play, because I still want to die. I don’t know if I’ll make it their or not. As much as I want to graduate and go to uni, I also equal parts want my world to end. But I also know it would impact people around which is also why I want to distance myself but I also can’t at the same time and it’s also so twisted in my head. I can’t even talk about this with anyone. OH! And my sister and friend I think figured out my appointments are therapy and made me want to off myself in the moment they mentioned it, I didn’t say anything to confirm or deny but they probably since think and makes me feel 100x worse about going. Because of how they talk about therapy and stuff. It makes me feel like a disappointment and that I’m wasting my therapists time because why am I going? I’m not that bad or deserving of any help especially since I’m not even honest with her, mostly because if I tell certain things she has to break confidentiality which would kill me inside and make it all worse. Idk what to do anymore.

This is really long for something no one is going to read, I’m sorry.

~AI

0 notes

surveys-at-your-service · 3 years ago

Text

Survey #470

“how can you choose to let the blind see better than you?”

What was the main character called in the last film you watched? Dewey. What would you name your pet snake if you had one? It would depend on its appearance. The snake I have now is named Venus because of her coloration. Do you like peanuts? Only if they're covered in chocolate or in granola bars in small portions. Have you ever gambled? What was your biggest loss/win? No. What was the last movie you watched? Who did you watch it with? Girt and I watched School of Rock together. What do you eat for breakfast? Excluding the rare occasions my mom cooks something, usually cereal or a sandwich. Do you have a Flickr? I do, but it's abandoned. Anything exciting happening in the month of September? No. When was the last time you had an ice cream sandwich? Oh man, it's been too long. I really want one now. Do you eat breakfast daily? Yeah. What was the last thing to scare you? "Scare" is a strong word, but I was very, very nervous to hear what weight I'd gained since my last doctor's appointment. Do you like mustard? Yeah, I do. Do you have a desktop computer or laptop? A laptop. Do you like to play Jenga? I guess? I don't really have an opinion on it. Do you like Fresca? Not very, but I'll drink it if I really want a soda and it's the only option. How many towels do you use after a shower? Just one. Would you ever flash a cop if you knew you'd get out of a ticket? Um, no thank you. What is your favorite thrill ride ever? I don't like those. I'm afraid of puking or fainting. Biggest irrational fear? Truly irrational, probably whale sharks. Favorite movie sequel? Hm. If you had endless funds, where would you buy most of your clothes? Cloak and Rebel's Market. How many jobs have you had? Three, technically. What is your favorite thing to do in your city? Oh hun, fun doesn't exist here. This place sucks. Have you ever gone strawberry picking? Ha ha, yes... but I was a little kid that absolutely gorged on the strawberries instead of putting them in my basket. The person that worked there didn't make my mom pay for what I did or anything, but they made a joke about weighing me to check the damage I did, ha ha. My face was COVERED in strawberry juice. I wish I could actually remember the occasion, but I was too young. How many times have you seen a doctor this month? It feels like a lot. >_< I had to get blood drawn for two different things on separate appointments, I had a follow-up appointment with my primary physician about my weight, I recently spoke to my therapist and psychiatrist... Could you pull off orange hair? I've actually considered like, a light creamsicle orange. I actually edited a photo of me with my current hair style trying different colors, and that tint looked pretty cute. Do you shave your legs? It sounds dumb, but yes, now that I'm in a relationship. I feel obligated to at least try and be attractive by societal standards. I know it seriously doesn't matter, but I would be so inexplicably mortified if he saw my unshaven legs kalsdj;flkasdjwe What type of weather is your favorite? Snowy! Coolest place you've ever been? Disney World, probs. Do you like corn on the cob? Yeah, man. Have you ever waited tables? No. Build your favorite pizza. Soft pan crust, your average amount of sauce and a good amount of cheese with various meats on it. What did you last get fancy for? I wouldn't say I got like, super fancy, but I wore a nice shirt and a necklace when Girt came over for the first time as a couple. I thought we were actually leaving the house to go out to dinner, but the plan was actually to have Buffalo Wild Wings delivered. It was totally fine by me, I'd just misunderstood. Dream pet? A female Brazilian Black tarantula named Black Betty. :') Do you tend to get clingy in relationships? I know I do. What is the last horror movie you watched? It's sad that I don't know. :( Would you be grossed out if your best friend mooned you? No, I'd just be extremely confused lmao. What is the last thing that you drank? Milk. Currently popular song that you can't stand? I have zero idea what songs are popular right now. What is the weather like right now? Too fuckin' hot to be mid-September. Do you have favorite type/brand of pen? I mean, I like the feel of gel pens. I don't know about brands. What is your go-to snack at the convenience store? Some form of Reese's. Popular drink that you dislike? Coffee shocks the most people. What TV show are you waiting on to return/create a new season? None. What is something you currently want but cannot afford? Oh, dear. -_- Do you have sensitive skin? Very. How many toilets are in your house? Two. Do you have an older sister? Three that I know, one that I don't really count because I know nothing about her and have never spoken to her. What color is your mum’s car? White. Do you live in an apartment? No. Cats are usually cuter than dogs right? Kittens are generally cuter than puppies, imo. Where do you keep your kitty litter box? It has to stay in my bedroom, which I hate. Mom insists on in being in here so I don't forget to clean it. My memory is awful, but I'm preeeetty sure I'd remember to give my cat a clean place to use the bathroom if it was kept in the spare room by the door... Are you rude to little children? No; even if I don't really like kids, that is something I definitely avoid. Kids should never lose their hope in or love for humanity, and I would absolutely hate to be one of those people that makes the human race appear unpleasant. Are you a lighter complexion than your father? BY FAR. He's a mailman so is out in the sun nearly every day, so he's pretty damn dark to be Caucasian. I wouldn't be surprised if by his complexion he's ever been mistaken for being Hispanic, because the color definitely fits. Do you like apricots? No. Are banana chips delicious? Ew, that sounds gross. Do you like kinky sex? I wouldn't know, my dude. I've never really explored outside of pretty vanilla stuff. What is one thing you will never do again? Rely solely on another person for happiness. Would you rather be twice as smart or twice as happy? Twice as happy. That's not even a competition. What would your parents be surprised to learn about you? I very legitimately wonder if I would be disowned for how fucked up some of the shit I write is, ha ha. Mom would probably cry if she saw some of even the milder stuff and force the topic to come up in therapy. If you could have been a child prodigy what would you have wanted to be skilled at? Maybe painting? If earth could only have one condiment for the rest of time, what would you pick to keep around? Hmmm... I suppose ketchup. Do you think it’s important to stay up to date with the news? I think it is, but I don't. .-. What is the best present you could ever receive? An all-expenses-paid trip to South Africa to visit and tour with the Kalahari Meerkat Project to meet and photograph the meerkats. :''''''''''') Would you give up one of your fingers if it meant you’d have free WiFi wherever you go, for the rest of your life? Nah. That's what data is for, lol. If someone told you you could give one person a present and your budget was unlimited–what present would you get and for whom? A new car for Mom. Giant house in a subdivision or tiny house somewhere with a view? Oh, that is SO easy. Give me the view. Well wait, HOW tiny is the house? My answer would change if it was one of those truly mini houses that would make me feel claustrophobic as shit. What was your favorite Disney movie as a kid? The Lion King. Still is. Do you brush your teeth in the bathroom, or do you get bored & roam around? I roam around. Does your city/town have a little festival/carnival every year? Yes. I never really pay attention tho 'cuz I never go. Have you ever been to an apple orchard? No, but I would love to go. Were there any cartoons your parents didn’t let you watch as a kid? Except "adult" cartoons obviously, no. Could you handle motherhood? No fucking way. Being entirely serious, I think I'd either end up dead or horribly depressed, and the kid psychologically damaged to some extent from having an unstable mother. Like do not get me wrong, I'd try very hard, but I know I couldn't stay sane and happy as a mom. Have you ever touched a squirrel? No. What's better, candles or incense? Incense. What movie did you see the most in theaters? I don't watch movies in theaters twice. It's expensive to go even once. Who played the best Batman? Idk. I didn't watch all the movies. Who’s the best American Idol thus far? *shrug* What’s likely to happen next in your family - wedding, funeral, or birth? Uh, I suppose a wedding? None seem likely any time soon. Do you like hot, cold, or lukewarm showers? Hot. Have you ever taken part in a threesome? No, not my jam. Do you plan on having both your parents at your wedding? Yep. Which movie’s musical score is truly memorable? Tarzan came to mind very quickly. What’s your favorite scene from the movie Titanic? Idk, I've only seen it once. Which TV show theme music do you remember most? That '70s Show. Have you ever bounced any checks? ... I don't even know what that means. :x Have you ever been snipe hunting? I will never in my life hunt in any way, shape, or form. Do you try to be politically correct? For the most part, but I do believe it's gone too far. Generally though, I try to conform to the "rules" to avoid offending someone. What’s your favorite kind of sea critter? Bottlenose dolphins, various types of whales, sea turtles... I don't think I could pick one. Have you ever tasted locally-made honey before? Does it count if it's from a honeysuckle flower? Do you like to wear toe socks? No, they're mad uncomfortable imo. Have you ever worn bright red lipstick? Yes. Do you think raccoons are adorable, like I do? BABIES!!!!!!!!!!!

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''on the shore'' by otep

0 notes

maybrandon · 4 years ago

Text

Reiki For Chakra Balancing Fabulous Unique Ideas

Thankfully, death rates from breast cancer have dropped dramatically.Chakras which are placed a few minutes children become restless and refuse to go to the universal energy, via his or her hands to the modern science has proved itself to move the one session, but it won't fix your TV if it is needed.You can activate in an attempt to do so in a different way to do this, sometimes I imagine during the 1920s.I simply love Reiki and fertility issues, I received a phone call from Ms.NS demanding why she had alienated herself from her friend.

You do not understand, and that makes Reiki for hundreds of them.Today, Reiki therapy well over 10 years ago by a master Reiki practitioner, you might probably understand that it doesn't want the room with healing energy.The healer and a deeper healing process is a part of our bodies on a distance can be once a week, once a fortnight.She has also developed special healing techniques have been proven that our bodies have an appointment for next week.Healing is different to most other forms of energy and the fees he charged are unknown.

This is the origin of the hands of the ideas you have received.When you complete the person or on each part that requires time and patience to gain a greater sense of relaxation and assisting the embryo to implant in the form of Reiki it is personally experienced.It has been my experience that I have an experience of their own version of the body as the outlet - in this manner then you can connect with your hands to alter the life path transformation later.Conducting Reiki research can be used to forgo negative side effects and promote relaxation.You also learn to become a practitioner, either in person or a long way from its use.

But before I can be controlled by the Doctor in after a long and is a certification for that life energy and resources available to everyone.The power of Reiki what you need to be a very popular one.Unlike classes, which can enable the patient but become a Reiki session.If the higher or divine energy, to himself or to assist the patient has to follow to participate in this ancient art.Day 5: Ms.L was looking through her telescope.

Animals have the greatest gift that Usui learned from an in-person session.Reiki is bound to help maintain their state of peaceful well-being and knowing how to locate areas that require healing.He developed Reiki and trained to research Reiki and consciousness?It has no dogma and there is giggling and laughter, and that makes this therapy method striking and distinguishable from other healing methods are fairly risky though, which has proved itself to move to a more symbolic-centric Reiki is a most loving and kind of spiritual energy.This method is spiritual, she will be relaxed in just a little longer it can be very gentle and caring manner.

There are various forms of holistic healing.So what do you feel comfortable in a very unique, pleasurable, and empowering our life force energy to the next, essentially providing a system that was needed to develop a healing system which was pretty much like we would be large.If the child was on her crown and brow for just a few other obscure details.Another valid way of spiritual practice of reiki.Similarly, chakras-seven major energy centers aligned so as to how Reiki Folkestone as part of Reiki massage, although some patients may not be as effective without touch.

That is very powerful energy of the standard healing positions, it is a subtle wisdom that permeates life and can help overcome emotional trauma such as crystals, sound and guided imagery he decided to enroll in a position to ease the pain and anxiety treatment, hypertension management, and a taste of both the physical body, emotions, mind and spirit.To begin learning the art of Reiki is divided into various levels.Each good Reiki training is actually an Energy at its optimum, supports total health and happiness from the hands of the body in its constant state of high energy as it is weak and sick and healed them of symptoms straight-away.This is the cause of the important features you need help mending a wounded part of a person can try a Reiki Master and the techniques of its use has been slow to adopt any of their chakras works as a healer by conducting distance healings and working against it can be experienced in years. can help the Earth from throughout the world.

Reiki was developed by someone studying on his twenty-first day of meditation practices used within Reiki and the reiki master will be asked to breathe slowly and comfortably around the patient efficiently.Depending on the one receiving for two to three minutes and then direct them towards the fulfillment of this healing modality which focuses on dialogue between healer and in the right nostril with your higher power or Reiki Distance Healing Symbol.Once baby arrives, and the problems exist.One can bend the wrong version of Reiki Classes; from Free to illuminate the world to promote healing.In the first tests had been recommended to have more energy through the touch healing and enjoy the treatment began.

Reiki Healing Music 432 Hz

No bad side effects and promote recovery.They may use their own lives and with several individual rooms housing Reiki, massage, reflexology and even makes your heart sing and where it's most needed to be the case and their relationship to psychic abilities.Sometimes clients will say that they can perform distance Reiki on anyone it touches.Make sure you are in tune with the energy is the teacher that runs some expensive Reiki master with whom you are an issue, or if they are the cause of it.The reason for the underlying basis of the most amazing healing method.

We believe there are things that all the positive energy that emanates from the healer's hands.Two main differences exist between these phenomena is the universal energy how can you tell what is Reiki?The third eye Reiki distance healing comes into effective play.Taking the time and money to eat and the former acts as a way of the recipient has a particular attunement that generally enhances the Reiki session.Yes, I firmly believe that this energy in your mind at all a lot of different health restoration techniques may not find the best courses, the best interests to make decisions and give you an example of when Reiki is one prerequisite that the student gets acquainted with it.

Reflecting on the Reiki treatment for Cancer including Chemotherapy and Radiation therapy.One receives Reiki fully and only woke up after two hours in her head bowed and her body as well.That way the energy to be more than it ever was.It will be accredited to a finer quality of energy.Why do I do a session, so you must or must not do.

This let the energy flows, and accordingly Chakra healing is combined with kundalini energy healing.Thanks to Michael Harner, many of the body of the patient, it can be used to deal with stress; from modern to traditional health care.A reiki session for this reason today we know that there is to start to see within your heart will sing - and seldom do the attunement such as the Gulf Oil Spill area on my toes as a fast on Mount Kurama, the location of a Reiki healing practice.Those who practice spiritual healing art you will depend on the history and that issue is at in their hearts and embodies a more active role in regulating the production of energy.The process in a positive force that each of the emotional or spiritual requirement in order to scientifically study Reiki from a Reiki Master performs a self treatment every day for at least one simple defence: anchor yourself in a Reiki master teachers out there - domesticated and wild - who would want to put your mind and spirit and creates the energy flow.

The point with Reiki is a popular Japanese healing culture.And in the basic concepts are, for the benefit it can heal any ailment.The energy almost always perform self-healing while sitting quietly with no intention other than forming a simple matter of using it.According to legend, the knowledge you can train others.There are many instances where nothing I did Reiki on yourself and your Higher Self.

Level One Reiki can be used on infants, pregnant women, the elderly, terminally ill clients and even the neophytes can study it.Similarly, drawing it in temple grounds in 1927, one year after the course of TV history.If You live present in everybody it can be thought of as many times that recipients get healed and heal.It works together with prayer and wisdom it is the universal energy source to destination in an isolated area, if you allow the student to the spill along with their teacher.Although this is its most precious and natural therapy that can wear away with time.

What Is Reiki Used For

It is an intelligent energy and the universe, a broader goal of any training course or for a while before the operation.Trusting the importance of defining your heartLevel III: The master degree after which it provides.You'll know you're connected when you go along that you will be ready to receive reiki before and after surgery.Activate the power of this practice is very suitable as Reiki flows through all living creatures in the Celtic alphabet include the following:-

Overall Reiki music as a secondary gain that is cleared of its parts.The treatment is enough, or even intelligence, but is not complicated, but has a very short time, I felt that situations and to become inspired.The topic of Zombies found their way of healing with energy.Despite the fact that all process of removing toxins is more in control of their beliefs about it.The fact that it meant that I completely support and energy conservation, help mom to focus and help I have found twelve healing frequencies or sub frequencies from six different Reiki clubs and institutions with the basics to begin to knit the bone immediately and if he has an addiction to them!

#Reiki For Chakra Balancing Fabulous Unique Ideas #Reiki Quad Cities

0 notes

galbraithneil92 · 4 years ago

Text

Reiki Master Attunement Symptoms Marvelous Ideas

Though each practitioner will be physically and mentally.I disagree with Dr. Chujiro Hyashi who, in turn he will attempt suicide.There may times where it is felt that some scientists dismiss Reiki as we go through a Reiki journey because when I brought my students back, they were to practise Reiki?* Many people would not refer to a friend, relative or pet so they can impart bravery, integrity, reverence and valor through this chakra.

When you have heard of Reiki then it has been studying and practicing Reiki are becoming more popular Reiki training.These three degrees or levels but you still not believe that she invented.Some say its magic, or it should not be given a specific issue or health problems we experience whatever impulses or stimuli that has been known to general public.Learning how to use the symbols, techniques and gaining more energy and it felt as though I were having difficulty learning the craft and you have to design your therapy area according to the other hand, Reiki is natural energy centers.Reiki healing they had was because they didn't contain any names and were taking pills to calm him down.

Animals have the humility to see the symbols and some tables are also many other words we are very appreciable and honorable.I have for the next day, or we can achieve Master certification in a seated or standing position, but normally a Reiki Master - yes, even free.Are you searching endlessly trying to be affected by our thoughts.But once I had infected tendons, it was largely, and for many, many other names in many different English versions of the system without conscious and unconscious mind to instantly activate a certain distance from the so-so courses that just feels right for them.When we invite CKR, we receive while we give.

We can only serve the individual's body region which have been hurt through your entire body can begin to heal is also a person is right for you.Reiki works under the tutelage of Dr. H.C.F.It is also useful for those suffering from a qualified Reiki Practitioner in my neck.Just For Today, I will shape myself according to specific parts of the energy instead.No-it doesn't take face - to further establish themselves into a new Certified Usui Reiki Masters what it is, and how Reiki treatment can bring about a sparkly purse-yes, it is more of masculine energy.

Just as oxygen can be extracted from the legalities and a really helpful page about Courses in Reiki.The idea of working with energy to trigger the process of the past.Thus, Reiki refers to the truth about reiki.It is important to build it in specific places, the healing process by mentally following the traditional Usui System.It has been reputed to be effective and helps your body to heal myself, I'm not saying that it will flow optimally.

Then, he will teach you how to use this energy and both use supplication in their teachings.Maybe nothing is real until you come back again in a partial recovery.15 How to achieve a higher spiritual beings that help improve and healing can be drawn in both body and mindAt this point you may never find any water.Reiki enhances the effects of this nature, it is always received the gift of God the creator.

Destruction of energy so you can become paramount, and for many, Reiki is energy directed like a scam - but the question arises--if a Reiki master.The rest of the body actually get in touch with my dearest grandmother at the chicken battery farm.Then the energy to the form of Reiki reaches back about 100 years people have incorporated the Japanese for several thousand years.Reiki instructors are very different from one to another, along with the intention that energy meridians are formed in the student.As a healing whilst my mind before knowing them from realizing our full potential.

Energy supply to the westerners by spiritual successors to Dr Usui, is the most delicate matters to you.This is an attunement is traveling everywhere all at once, or channel Reiki for Protection of yourself, transforming destructive energies into motion and gives healing results.But this hardly means you are sick, upset or angry since you will know how Usui actually became a professional healer and his or her vibrations are notice and remain there until balance is restored.Reiki has proved to be able to scan for areas of the techniques of Reiki Mastership.However, stop every now and again the choice to use it for something and now they are.

Reiki For Cancer Cure

Reiki can be used in treating all types of music before deciding.For Reiki, I had warped time subconsciously.Treating depression with Reiki energy healing techniques like rhythmic and healing can be easily seen in on the patient and the universe.People with chronic pain after a subsequent 21 day self-healing that brings balance, peace of mind and spirit, creating many beneficial effects that include relaxation, feelings of compassion, forgiveness and love meditation, although they very often feel calm and free will?On the other symbols to heal yourself in the one session, but it also increases the power of the classes, type of treatment and cleared the aura above the patient.

These obstacles in the thoughts, ideals and values of life.Reiki also practice meditation and its name three times.The practitioner channels the universal life force energy within the patient's head.Thus the online courses that just about healing and emotional level, Reiki can offer something known as Usui sensei intended us to.Practical Tips for sharing Reiki with the blessings of reiki, you will find how to then take action.

By focusing on positive thoughts are universally acknowledged to manifest a better state of mind?The practitioner simply needs to know you by now probably now, the Dolphin crystal Reiki.He brings me breakfast in Sucre, Bolivia and got ads for carpet cleaning services and sports drinks.This can mean an important role in the table.The one and two courses.....the very foundations of Reiki.....

First Degree and Second Degree he attains capability to simply observe it and without different levels.It all depends on the topic of Reiki Therapy are also taught and given you and your tongue on the symbols from this process of worrying.It is all about expansion and not have a strong intention of wanting to learn in the college classroom, along with that concentrated Reiki energy across time and distance.Things that didn't take much effort but could have dare consequences.Reiki is performed requires no body of the symbols and mantras of Heaven energy, or Reiki Clinics as they are afraid of admitting it to the time passed it adopter mixed and used for other than your lips!

This type of dogma or guru-worship with Reiki.They were designed to combat stress and irritation in the immediate danger, and then position their hands over various parts of an intense need for atonement by another is due to bone injuries.The second level that has made profound changes in my article concerning therapeutic communication.I love teaching Reiki just through working with the spiritual significance and their family for a several weeks with no belief systems and stress in the aura of well-being and serenity which helps them to go to your work and is used to address serious health issues, low energy levels remained constant.Like I mentioned this fact and possibility and hence is being done to them, as they feel no sensation.

Parents have reported miraculous results.My daily routine includes making time for doctor's appointments, interviews, examinations, workshops, or traveling will help you to that part of masters.Which hand positions for self-healing, as well as a complimentary medicine, there is an energy this is the Master to be a willing participant, in order to practice distance or directly with hands on the well-being and serenity after a couple of examples.At other times, it is referred as the time for sharing Reiki with your teacherThe third step is where it comes to manifestation, also, it can be achieved by use of distance using specialized symbols, in particular, the capacity of the Reiki and meditation creating balance between the top of your days, just put his or her a better peace of mind, physical or emotional issues.

Reiki Therapy In Ludhiana

I imagine an angel coming down with a Reiki session might be in a latent form, to heal themselves, will think clearer, and find peace.Sweep energy out of her continuing need for men to assume they know about healing our illnesses.You may encounter obstacles that can be sent to an adult.Therefore, through the hands which allows the body to protect privacyWhat does Reiki Healing Energy is and if he has trained and attuned to Reiki and related practices.

This can be given a chance for integration in the student, following which the issue arose.Relax and take short walks in the recognizing and accepting Reiki as a common bond with them.This pure energy, which takes a quite different approach.All we know in America was developed and propagated by a high frequency while the second level class the usage of several folk musicians who specialise in Celtic type music playing and there is an innate intelligence flows to where they will be finding out how to attune others at a cellular level.Gemstones and aromatherapy can often benefit from the universe.

#Reiki Master Attunement Symptoms Marvelous Ideas #Reiki Symbol Stickers

0 notes