#actually until the end of July when it’s my birthday and also my next therapy appointment

[newlyy]

Great news! I have no plans for the rest of the month.

[not-poignant]

hello! *peruses unasked flower asks* ummm, if you could give me a Canna, Cock’s Comb ehheeh, Common Boneset, Norwegian Angelica and Rosemallows please! :)

(Okay I love that little eheh at cock's comb tho)

Canna: Do you have any tattoos?

*

I do! A giant 'RESIST' in capital letters down the inside of my right wrist, that I actually got long before any actual 'resist' movements over the past few years. I got it around my 21st birthday (actually like a year later) mostly to mark all the things that I'd already survived at that point, and how much of my life philosophy is based off a position of resistance - resisting wanting to kill myself, resisting the darkest paths, resisting my own body when it grows tumours, and so on.

As it's aged, its lost some of it's sharp corners and stuff, but I still like it, though I mostly forget its there now. I'd like to get more tattoos at some point, but money is a big barrier, they're not cheap! (Which is good, because hopefully it means tattoo artists are being paid well).

*

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font?

*

I don't really know. I use Times New Roman the most while writing (I know, I know), so I guess that's my favourite because I'm voluntarily staring at it for hours and hours every single day. I hate Calibri and often have to force-change documents to another font to be able to edit them, if they come to me in that font. But I also used to write in Calibri, until I had the revelation that I hated writing in Calibri, lmao.

When I was a teenager, and had far less fonts to choose from, I was a passionate fan of Courier New and that's still my favourite font to set poetry in, which I think is an 'old habits die rather hard' thing, lmao.

*

Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to?

*

I'm looking forward to thunderstorms, whenever they next come.

I'm looking forward to going down south with my mother, though I'm apprehensive about it too, and hope it goes well. I expect it will be exhausting, and an experience, and worthwhile. That's the end of July.

I'm looking forward to a week to myself and I'm not sure when I'll get one.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow (at least right now).

I'm looking forward to the next time we go to Kumo and have more of those Japanese souffle pancakes because souffle pancakes.

I'm looking forward to going to bed tonight.

*

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom.

*

I've always had...an interesting relationship with my mother. Though it's very good now. But there are lots of long stories I'm going to cut short here and say that around 11 or 12 years ago I was fed up, and sent Mum a lengthy email (because I couldn't trust I'd be able to speak clearly in person without breaking down and crying) saying that if she didn't get on board with acknowledging the PTSD and where it came from, and didn't confront her own demons in that, I was going to walk away from her and our relationship for good, and I already had my estranged relationship with my father to prove that I wasn't bluffing.

In retrospect, this probably sounds like an incredibly cruel thing to do, but I can't describe to you the years before that, my childhood, the things that led to me making this decision. Only that when I made it, I didn't know what else to do.

But then the most amazing thing happened, and unlike about anyone else in my family at the time, Mum got therapy, and she got help, and she faced her demons, and she decided that she was going to learn about her child instead of doing what she'd been doing in the past. And from there we grew a real relationship. And quite a few years ago now, we started catching up once a week, every (usually) Friday morning.

She's one of my best friends now, I love her to pieces, her bravery and courage in being willing to face up to some hard truths (including - among others - that my father and her husband was abusive), as well as her sheer strength recently going through breast cancer with such humour and grace only a short period after I went through my own cancer journey, like, she's such a role model to me.

I could never have expected that. I loved my Mum growing up, but I never felt like she knew or saw me as a person, which I don't actually blame her for, she sure was Going Through It herself, in a way that I could not appreciate fully as a child, because she protected us from those realities that she experienced and suffered through as best as she could. And now I think she really does try, as I try to meet her where she is in turn. And we see each other as people, not as family roles, and that to me...has an ineffable, lovely quality. Which is, incidentally, why I'm taking her down south for her birthday, so we can spend even more time together.

*

Rosemallows: What’s your favorite memory?

*

I don't know that I have one. Oh wait, I think...I do, so let's just preface this first though.

The problem I have here is that I've had a life full of depression and PTSD (no literally, my post-trauma started showing in early childhood), and both things can actually cause memory loss or poor memory coherence (unless the memories are traumatic! Do not recommend).

However, I have a glimpse of a memory between me, Glen and Putu, shortly before Putu was bound to leave for Melbourne (for good, he hasn't come back except to visit), where we spent the whole day together, except a break in the afternoon for me to sleep, because true facts - I cannot get through a day without sleeping for several hours in the afternoon.

There was something so golden and perfect about that day. I remember startlingly for me, sitting on the couch and tired and sore (we'd spent the day going to dim sum and then later walking around Kings Park) basking in a feeling I couldn't recall having felt before, and then I think I turned to Putu and Glen and said with some amazement, 'I think I feel content.' And Putu and Glen were like '...yeah...and?' and later I had to admit to Glen I'd never felt the feeling before. Golden and soft, like a cloud.

I think I've felt it once more since then, but I don't remember when. And I don't think I'd felt it before then, either. I would not wish my brain chemistry on anyone. But I'm very glad I got to share that moment with Putu, who is a very close member of my chosen family, for all that I don't get to see him very often anymore.

I can't strongly recall the feeling of the emotion itself. I remember describing it to myself in my head, in complete sentences, and those are the sentences I'm sharing to you now, because my verbal memory is much better than my emotional memory (I have quite serious alexithymia, which would surprise no one, but it's better than it used to be).

And I am relieved that my brain did actually hang onto the moment, mostly because I chanted to myself like a prayer: please don't forget this please don't forget this please don't forget this remember your position on the couch remember where Putu is sitting remember where Glen is sitting remember what you said and remember the time of day and remember what came before.

And, now, I do.

*

From the flower asks meme!

[alyssalenko]

Year-end Writer’s Round-Up: the 2020 edition

I was tagged eons ago by my darlings @pikapeppa @ooachilliaoo and @cartadwarfwithaheartofgold and I am finally sitting down with it...on the last day of February...it was a little daunting XD

I will start by saying this last year was rough and I know I was drained emotionally, physically, mentally and creatively, so I definitely did not get as much written as I would have liked--though I made a shitton of edits which were kind of fun and relaxing, even with the incident I refer to as 'The Great Layer Deletion' on July 8th.

(Here’s my masterpost which I keep up to date and if any of the fics strike anyone’s fancy, feel free to check 'em out.)

Word count:

AO3: 17,250

WIPs: 8,548--I started a lot of stuff over quarantine. How many of it saw the light of day? See the above word count, which is actually kind of sad looking at it...

New things I tried this year:

I dove headlong into research which was definitely new. It's normally just an occasional random fact I need, but I needed to learn about the monarchy practice of needing witnesses to breaking in the marriage bed for a King Alistair and Queen Cousland moment which has yet to see the light of day.

I also finally started playing the Witcher 3 over quarantine (it only took 5 years for me to finally pick up the game.) I ended up researching the different schools a lot to figure out which one could possibly release a female witcher, for my OC Hetti.

Smutwise, I finally wrote down some of my filthier ideas in the form of a threesome doc which I use now as a springboard to get me comfortable with new scenarios and language/words in my smut. It had been feeling kind of stale so I made a list (which I never do because it's close to outlining XD) of different scenarios I wanted to play with, and I am ever so slowly working my way through it.

Fic I spent the most time on:

Definitely On One Condition. I started it in like January and tweaked it until I finally posted it on November 26th. My smut had been feeling a little stale and this was on my list, so I started this fic XD.

Fic I spent the least time on:

Um...let me think. Everything took me a good chunk of time looking back at them. I think it's a tie between Physical Therapy and Romancing the Shepard. I think both of them took me around a month to complete (and one of them was my birthday present to myself)? Gone are the days when I bang out a birthday gift fic in less than 24 hours...

Favourite thing I wrote:

Oh! Misuse of Biotics. I got to play with biotics/magic in the bedroom as well as bringing out Kaifan's dominant side because he doesn't like to not be in control after what happened to Vyrnnus. But he gets to channel it a different way because he's been practicing and I got some of the nicest comments on it. It was once again a new smutty scenario on my list, but hey, if it helps me be creative 🤷‍♀️.

Favourite thing I read:

I will be honest here and say that I didn't read much fanfic this year. It's not that I didn't want to. But I need the smut to be first and foremost, and I just don't have the spoons to get through plot and it sucks. But I did participate in some fic exchanges and read those. Because I always read and gush over my gift fics. And I love them all. So to single them all out:

Let's study some anatomy together by Estelle

To Touch and To Hold by @cristaldephoenix

Disguised as a Responsible Adult by drladybird

Sleepless Night by @siriusordo

What are you doing up? By @siriusordo

By I have to give a special shoutout to @cartadwarfwithaheartofgold for her depths of Desire Fic which I started and need to go back to, @guileandgall who had some super sexy oneshots that got me all hot and bothered, @lauraemoriarty for Lady of Light which I do need to get back to, and several other pieces by @pikapeppa I need to get back to...

Writing goals for next year:

In all honesty, I really don't want to make a writing goal and let myself down when I don't keep it. I'm a fly by the seat of pants kind of writer anyways, so I will follow the inspiration where it leads me. I mean, I would like to throw my hat into a few more exchanges but we'll see if that gets beyond the dasmutquisition and specrecs. XD

Gosh you guys are all amazing and I am hoping you are all staying safe and sane and happy. If anyone else sees this and want to play, please do and tag me so I can see all the things!

[bashlandrya]

sebastian ‘bash’ landry: an updated intro !

since it has been literally like 9 months since i posted his most recent intro, here is a new updated one for anyone who has not kept up with bash’s crazy dumb life. yeet

tw drugs, alcoholism, death, violence, jail, dumbassery

let me say first he’s honestly the worst, he's nice and friendly almost to an annoying extent and it will absolutely be genuine most of the time but at times he only is because he will gain something from it. he lies a shitload but can also be extremely blunt. he’s arrogant and has way too much confidence but deep down probably hates himself. he’s selfish, he’s impulsive and he might punch you if you step on his toes at a bad time. he will make elaborate excuses instead of admitting he did something wrong but has still been in jail a few times because he said ‘yeah i did it lol’ (usually when caught red handed). he also drinks way too much but denies alcoholism and he’s barely changed mentally in over a decade. it is honestly a miracle he’s not dead. ok thanks for coming to my ted trash bash talk. i love this man.

basics

name: sebastian damien landry

nicknames: bash (almost always), seb (but rarely), idiot (regularly)

birthday/age: march 22d, 1991 / thirty

gender/pronouns: cis-male / he, him

sexuality: sadly still a heterosexual

zodiacs: aries ☉ ; gemini ☽ ; sagittarius 🡕 

occupation: drug dealer (mostly weed, some cocaine and psychadelics).

hobbies: all types of adventures, his motorcycle, drinking, video games, music (he plays drums and does back up vocals in a not very serious local punk/rock/metal mostly cover band - more info here).

neighbourhood: downtown (apartment tour here)

length of time in crescent harbour: since summer 2009 (12 years)

place of birth: new orleans, louisiana (yes boi has a bit of an accent)

height: 6′5″ (195cm)

moral alignment: chaotic neutral.

positive traits: adventurous, kind-hearted, fun-loving, witty, spontaneous, humorous, clever, generous, protective, sweet and caring.

negative traits: troublesome, sarcastic, deceitful, somewhat arrogant, temperamental, impulsive, rebellious, loud, blunt, dishonest, sometimes aggressive and a bit selfish

tattoos: a seven of spades on his left pec (x). an arrow on his left outer forearm (x). the moon cycle on the right side of his torso (x). geometric tattoo on his right outer forearm (x). a wolf on his left shin (x). aries-inspired ram skull on his upper back (x). a fleur de lis on his left upper arm (x). a sloppy drunk tattoo his friend gave him a year after his mother’s death, on his right knee that just says ‘mom’.

scent: cigarette smoke, liquor, citrus, cologne.

background

Grew up just outside of New Orleans with his parents and six siblings, he’s the third (black sheep but they all love him anyway<3). His mother died suddenly when he was 18 years old and the family moved to Crescent Harbor where he repeated his Senior year in High School. 

He started getting into more trouble, arrested several times and graduated High School behind bars and then..... Continued reckless, bad behavior for the next 12 years anyway.

To some peoples’ surprise he went to College and actually has a Bachelors in Humanities. He’s dumb but not dumb.

Slept around a lot in his teens up until his first year of College when he got chlamydia and got more careful. 

Started dating the Blackwood cousin Jamie when he was 21 and they were on and off for four years, Bash going in and out of jail, until she finally left him in 2016 and moved to New York. 

Bash set out to change but didn’t succeed and kept living like he always had; going to jail a couple of times, sleeping around somewhat but with protection and disappearing out of town for weeks at a time. He once ended up staying on an island for two weeks because he got super drunk and hopped on the ferry and had no money to get back — and of course he left his phone on the mainland.

In July 2020 he reconnected with LiIy Whittaker, an old High School friend-ish. They ended up hooking up on a boat (that Bash, unknown to Lily, had stolen borrowed from her dad). 

They kept hooking up throughout the fall and in October Bash realized he had caught feelings for her and decided to tell her, only he was arrested moments after for 2d degree theft (class c felony) for stealing jewelry from the Whittaker household. He spent two weeks in jail, and found out Ian Whittaker had likely framed him, before Lily helped his sisters bail him out. 

He was proven innocent and not guilty in November and the same day Lily admitted she had feelings for him too and they started dating.

Has worked several jobs that he’s lost either because he didn’t show or because he was arrested. Between 2018 and 2020 he worked as a bouncer in a town over but was fired in November 2020 after not showing up when he was out on bail for the Whittaker case. 

After being fired he went back to dealing like he'd also done between 2015 and 2018 (that time he got out of it because his sister got him a job at the drive-in that he lost after a few months). Lily, his family, and honestly anyone who would like him not to, are not aware he deals drugs.

His mother died in the spring so during the season he drinks more and gets extra reckless and aggressive so he recently wasn’t very nice to some people........ and him and Lily are fighting a bunch at the moment.

more random shit for no reason so u can skip if u wanna lmao

Suffers with insomnia, probably because of his high alcohol consumption but also anxiety that he won’t really admit to. Went to therapy once after his mother’s death but never continued with it. 

The absolute worst at keeping track of his phone and it’s always on silent and either on low battery or just dead. It usually takes him a few days to get back to you if you text or even call. The easiest way to get a hold of him is to visit his apartment and kick on the door or wait for him to get home if he’s not there (u might have to wait a while sometimes tho....).

Has played drums since he was ten years old, starting when he found a drum set in the music room at his Elementary School. At this point he can pretty much play some songs blindfolded. He also started playing guitar at 15.

Has slightly bad eyesight but you will rarely see him in glasses, he wears contacts and usually has an extra pair with him in case he’d lose one. Which he did once when he was drunk and far away from his apartment and had to nagivate home half-blind and tipsy.

Used to skateboard a bunch but hasn’t done it much since some time in College.

Has broken a bunch of bones but most notably his nose 3 times, it’s not as straight as Casey’s.

Likes cooking and is pretty good at it. Pasta is the shit.

His motorcycle is an Indian Scout he bought in 2015 and it’s his baby. Before that he had a Suzuki VS 1400 GL Intruder from 2003 that he got in 2010 and sold to get money for the new one. He’s never owned a car butyes, he knows how to drive one.

He doesn’t dance and if he does, it’s not exactly serious.

Smokes Winston Red 100’s.

Criminal record at the bottom of this page.

Rocks a beard like seen above even though I sometimes use stubble-only gifs.

Despite his unhealthy lifestyle he manages to work out a couple of times a week and he eats.... A lot, because he knows that if he doesn’t he’ll turn into a noodle boy like he was in his teens due to his height.

[sylvasa]

I have had a rough year. I mean, who didn't, especially these last few months... but I still want to talk about what I faced this last period.

Starting in January 2019. I loved my job; I was good at it, I was recognized for my work by both my manager and his manager, as well as by my colleagues. I could also get along well with them. For the 1,5 years before then, me and my manager have been prepping for me taking over his job as team lead, while he was being prepped for taking over his manager's job. This was documented in my work reviews as well (which were always outstanding).

In January 2019, my team lead's manager announced that he was leaving (for a higher managment position, as you might have guessed), and my team lead would take over his position. All according to the 1,5 year plan. However, instead of making me the team lead, my team lead would remain in that position in addition to his new position, due to more 'self-organizing' teams, meaning less work.

While this stung, the decision was made a few levels up, by people unaware of our agreements, and it was a decision to have a position less. So I understood this happened and accepted it. What I did not like, and could not accept, was that over the next few months I was treated as if I was the team lead, by my manager as well as people inside my team and outside of the team. So while I had not gotten the position, I had to do the work as if I had, causing lots of stress.

I addressed this several times, and even though it was met with understanding each time I did, nothing changed for more than a day. Then in July we moved buildings, and our team was placed in a small room with 2 other teams, of which one was really loud. It was not possible to work anymore, without very good noise cancelling headphones. Even after HR involvement, no changes were made and the other team was not open to discuss solutions either; we were just told to "get used to it". My manager did nothing to improve this either, all he did was make sure he was in the office less so he did not suffer from it too often.

After a few months of that, I finally decided to find another job, after another incident where my manager was a total asshole not doing his actual job. I signed the contract with my new job, and gave my notice at my old job at the end of October. I was starting my new job in January.

Two weeks after, on November 15th, my aunt committed suicide. It was a surprise for almost everyone, except for my uncle (her husband for over 30 years) and a few very close friends. She was being treated, but had only just begun therapy, and her sleepless nights finally made her lose the fight. This was a big shock for me, and I am still dealing with what happened.

A few months later, halfway January, my mom told me that her father (my grandfather, same side of the family as my aunt was) was showing signs of dementia, and was being tested. It turned out it wasn't, he had a malign brain tumour instead. He did not want any visitors, and I only had contact with him through my grandmother over whatsapp, who was taking care of him. He passed away on my husband's birthday, late February. While it is also hard to have lost him, it has made less of an impact than my aunt's death. It still hurts, however.

I hadn't seen most of the family since my aunt's funeral, and was now again meeting them at a funeral, which was heartbreaking. I vowed that I would visit them more often. I do remember that I had a sore throat that day, which I attested to sleeping with an open mouth due to my crying the night before. It was however the start of me getting sick. I got what seems to be a heavy cold, but because of the virus, I have not been allowed outside ever since March 5th (when I first called in sick to work), as I am still coughing a bit. Today it is April 16th, so I have not been outside for 6 weeks today.

This may not seem like a lot, but it is really taking a toll on me. I have been working at home for 5 weeks (after I recovered from my cold), which is hard but okay, and the office has been closed until our government deems it safe again to work at offices instead of at home. When this is, is not clear, but it will for sure not be before April 28th.

Sorry for the long rant, I just felt like I had to write this down, to express my feelings somehow to prevent slipping away into the darkness. I really do not want to go back to that point. I was there about 10 years ago, and I really do not want to relive that.

[patrick-weeks]

Dear Family, You’re Being Manipulated

PREFACE: If you are a family member I IMPLORE you to read this in its entirety. Yes, I know it’s long, but I think if you have the time to release your relentless judgement on my mother, you have ten minutes to listen to the other side. You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. Period.  I want you to read this in order to LISTEN, and COMPREHEND—NOT so you can figure out how to rebut. If you are a friend, this will be a bit TMI for you, but I can’t stop you from reading it. Continue with discretion if you decide to read.

I was going to hold off making this post until after the holidays to spare any family reading this from negative emotions during a supposedly happy time of the year, but when Abby, my TEN YEAR OLD sister is sobbing in the bathroom because her grandmother texted her and called her a “nasty little girl” on Christmas Eve, that’s not something I feel is possible anymore.

SHORT VERSION OF PART I and II: (again, if you are a family member, PLEASE read the full parts).

Tommy has been abusive to my mother, my sister, and I for as long as I can remember. He is a manipulative narcissist. He used money to manipulate us, and the household was always extremely toxic. After the divorce, he claimed he wanted to rebuild our relationship. I foolishly bought into it, but it was all insincere and manipulative, I later found out.

SHORT VERSION OF PART III:

I moved out/was kicked out of the house due to a verbal altercation between Tommy and I, where he admitted he didn’t believe he did anything wrong, proving his attempt to rebuild a relationship was founded on lies. My mother and her fiancé came to pick me and Abby up, and we left that night.

PART I: Background

As many of you know, my mother (Julie) separated from Tommy Weeks in July, causing quite a stir within both sides of the family, and within my sister and I. My mother had been realizing the necessity of this split for years, but wasn’t financially stable enough to do so and was in perpetual denial . However, after acquiring a new job and some soul searching, she made the decision.

I was immediately happy about this decision. I have had a terrible relationship with Tommy for my entire life. He has been physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive to me for all of my childhood and adolescence. This includes, but is NOT limited to:

- constant screaming, name calling, and degradation all throughout childhood (Age 4-18)

- several instances of aggressively striking my face, usually more than once at a time (Age 6-13)

- sitting me down to tell me directly “I don’t like you” (Age 9)

- multiple instances of degrading me about my weight in ways that were NOT constructive(Age 11-13)

- telling me during a car ride that “I’m not important” (Age 15)

- choking/strangling me against a wall to the point of light-headedness (Age 15)

- body slamming me onto hard wood flooring after a long physical struggle due to a verbal altercation that escalated into violence (Age 16).

These are only the most significant things I can remember off the top of my head that have stuck with me into adulthood. The abuse was chronic, and is PERFECTLY described by this post entitled “The narcissist playbook.” Read if you would like to further understand the kind of emotional and psychological abuse, manipulation, and degradation that occurred in the household:

https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/a916w9/the_narcissist_playbook/

The environment of the house was always one structured in fear. We had to walk on eggshells in order to never upset him. Him being upset meant verbal degradation and physical pain. You could never critique any action of his or he would get mad. He would combat any critique of his actions or character by reciting how much he does for us.  He used gifts and money to manipulate us. He would make us feel like a monetary burden, and would constantly guilt us of how much we cost him. If you had any problem with him, you were unappreciative for what he does for you or what he’s bought you. Money was always his biggest manipulative tool.

Now that that’s out of the way, I hope you can understand how toxic this household was. If he was like this to his son, you can only imagine what he was like towards his wife. I don’t believe there were any instances of physical abuse between the two, but there were absolutely years and years of verbal and emotional abuse towards my mother (again, perfectly described in the link above). I would not wish the amount of suffering she’s been through on anyone. But, due to everyone’s immature lack of understanding that there ARE two sides to EVERY story, my mom was judged relentlessly for her decision to divorce. Especially by her close family members who turned their back on her, again, without knowing what goes on behind closed doors.

PART II: The Divorce and Rebuilding

After the separation, Tommy broke down the next time I saw him and sobbed in my lap, apologizing profusely. He admitted “he really fucked up.” He BEGGED me to let him fix our relationship. This was really hard to immediately come to terms with, due to the life I just previously described. After what must have been two hours of this, I gave in. I decided that I would give him that second chance at our relationship. He started going to therapy for his anger management problems. I would visit him across the street, where he was staying, every two or three days to have hour-long conversations with him. I was stunned. I felt like a relationship was actually developing. I felt he truly meant the kind things he was saying to me.

Then, I went to college. My first semester were the absolute best months of my life. However, I also had a lot of time to think and consider my relationship with Tommy. He would call me often, and usually always end up trying to talk about the divorce. Eventually all talk on the phone turned VERY anti-Julie, and I began to realize I was being manipulated yet again. This was very off putting, and I began to ignore some of his texts and calls, not wanting that daily dose of negativity he tried to give me. He would always call or text me about my mother, trying to get me on his side. This was a slow realization, but it finally came to fruition when he told me “When your mother gets hurt and hits rock bottom, I’m not gonna be there when she comes crawling back.” I was extremely taken aback. I explained how it’s cruel that he wants and is expecting that to happen. I told him I couldn’t be in support of that mindset. This led the conversation to me telling him how I had this creeping feeling that none of relationship building he had done was genuine. He insured me this was not the case. I was still very suspicious, but I did not completely abandon hope at that point. There started to be more instances of aggression, including a phone call where he screamed at the top of his lungs at me while I was eating in the dining hall, because I was upset with him because he betrayed my trust (long story, not worth it). This was when I had the feeling my suspicions were correct, considering he had promised to never scream at me again a few months prior.

Winter break arrived, and he came to pick me up. I didn’t put up any walls, and I didn’t fake any feelings. I was stern and short in my interactions with him because I was upset by his recent actions, and he noticed. He could tell I was slipping from his manipulative grip.

PART III: Moving Out

On December 20, 2018, I moved out/was kicked out of my childhood home (I say moved out/kicked out, because I was told to leave and to get out, but I was happy to do so and put up no resistance.).

That night when Tommy came home, he attempted to make conversation with me in my room. I did not want to make conversation with him, as all of these thoughts about manipulation and betrayal were at the forefront of my mind, considering I was supposed to go to Florida with him and my sister for a week, starting Dec 26. I was dreading this trip, as I knew it was just a way to get us on “his side.” Keep in mind, this was also Abby’s birthday present, and he promised he would take her.

When I came down to eat dinner, it was just him and I at the table. He asked me if something was wrong, and I said no. He said it seemed like I was mad at him. I said I wasn’t, I was just miserable whenever I came home because of the negative energy due to the divorce. He proceeded to be highly, personally offended by this statement, and rambled for a few minutes, and then proceeded to bring up almost every single past major argument we’ve ever had, all of which have been previously resolved. He was looking for a fight. Then when we were talking about the reason our relationship is bad and the reasons for the divorce he said, very dramatically, “You know what Patrick? I did nothing wrong.” Smile on his face. No remorse. He blatantly admitted that every single thing he had shoved down my throat for the past six months about being sorry and wanting to change and accepting responsibility was a lie. My true feelings came out. I told him pretty much everything I said in Part I of this post. He was screaming and I was battling to be heard. I called him out on lying to me for months and he responded with “You know what? Fine.  Go live with your mother. Leave. I’m done with you. I’ll see you on the other side.” Abby obviously heard this altercation and called Mom, who called the police to come and make sure nothing violent happened. Mom asked me if  I wanted to go with her and Abby, and I said yes. I left that night, and only returned the next day to retrieve all of my belongings from the house. I am now living with Abby and my mother in her apartment.

That same night I moved out, Tommy texted my mother:

So, clearly, he intended to break his promise to Abby in this moment, and go without her.

Also, the next day, he revoked his co-signer signature from my student loan, took my phone off the phone plan, and asked me to return the key to the house and the key to my car. I feel these are natural consequences of ending my relationship with Tommy, but I figured I’d include it for details’ sake. He also said Mom could have custody of Abby.

PART IV: Christmas Weekend

Two days later, I overheard Tommy facetiming Abby, asking if “Mommy had said anything about letting you come over for Christmas?” This was highly confusing as he had just claimed he was going to Florida without Abby for Christmas (this was unbeknownst to Abby at this point). My mother texted Tommy a direct quote of what he said: “You can have Patrick and Abby for Christmas. I’m going to FL.” He responded:

Two days later, he found out his leave wasn’t cancelled:

He facetimed her and told her they were now going, making her extremely excited, as she’s been looking forward to Harry Potter World for months. However, this was clearly EXTREMELY manipulative. In good conscience, we could not let Abby make the decision to go without knowing the full truth of how Tommy originally planned to go without her. We showed her the first text where Tommy stated he would go to FL without Abby. She read the text, and immediately stormed out of the room, crying. She locked herself in the bathroom, and I attempted to talk to her from outside the door. After calming her down, she let me in, and showed me that she texted Tommy.

He then adamantly attempt to FaceTime her, and she adamantly declined.

Notice the gaslighting: “You’re mad at me for no reason.”

Tommy’s mother then texted me:

Notice the lie: “She told your dad that your Mother said he was using her.” I have provided all screenshots, you can see clearly that Abby tells Tommy he used her on her own accord, she does NOT say “Mom told me you used me,” she says “You used me.” And, when she said those things to Tommy, she was locked in the bathroom, alone.

Notice the monetary manipulation (seems familiar).

Notice the strawmanning: “I’ll let Uncle Eddie and them know you don’t want anything to do with them either.”

Notice the self-victimization: “You two have hurt us and We do not deserve this!”

and then she texted my mother:

Notice the listing of material objects. Gift/monetary manipulation.

Tommy then texted my mother throughout the day:

Notice the blaming: “Are you going to let me take her to FL or not.” He places the blame on Mom because it’s impossible for him to admit that Abby doesn’t want to go because of him. It HAS to be someone else manipulating her or us forcing her to stay here, because he can’t possibly be at fault.

My mother then responded to Tommy:

Notice the blame-shifting: “You have lied to her.”, “It is you who is using this child.”

Then Tommy’s mother texted Abby:

These are the most infuriating screenshots of the whole post. How cold does your heart have to be to insult your ten-year-old granddaughter. Absolutely disgusting and vile.

Notice the monetary/gift manipulation.

This is Abby’s grandmother. Abby is ten years old. This speaks for itself. Abby ran into the bathroom sobbing. Just a reminder that this is Christmas Eve.

My mother then texted Tommy:

Notice the removal of blame and backpedalling: “I didn’t know what I was going to be able to do.” “I didn’t know if I was going to be able to come down.”

Notice the blame-shifting: “[you] started manipulating her yet again.” “You were just waiting…to make her upset”.

Then he defends his mother, rather than his ten year old daughter who was just insulted by her grown family member:

“The only reason Abby is being nasty is because of you.” She WASN’T “being nasty.” All she did was say no. But this middle-aged man can’t take no for an answer. I do not have an ounce of sympathy for Tommy. Just complete pity.

My mom sent her final response to Tommy:

The last texts sent, as of right now, were from Tommy’s mother to my mother. They were more attempts an intimidation, and more attempts to get a reaction. Mom did not respond.

And that’s it. We are going to have a wonderful, peaceful Christmas without Tommy.

I hope this post has highlighted how EXCELLENT Tommy is at manipulating. He has a LOT of family members wrapped around is finger through his manipulation and lies. I hope, after reading this, you realize that he is being deceitful, and that you are being blinded by his cunning ability.

After reading this, I honestly can not comprehend how you can be “on Tommy’s side,” or endorse any of his actions. He was a depressive weight that has been lifted off all of our shoulders. All of us are exponentially happier without him. Keep in mind, I was willing to give him a second chance. I was in support of his therapy for his anger management issues and genuinely thought he could change. I genuinely believed he was changing. I was fooled. Shame on me.

Happy Holidays,

Patrick Weeks

[respheal]

Two years of Galebound

Hey guys, Res here! Long spiel ahead because I’m getting personal and long-winded here. Full text after the cut to spare your dash.

tl;dr: A brief history of Galebound’s development and my experiences with telling a story, joining a community, depression, and living inside my characters’ heads for two solid years.

[cut]

So I was working on page 103 early last month (yeah, the week page 103 was due to go up aaaahhahahaha -cries-) when I realized what was coming up: the second anniversary of Galebound’s start as a webcomic. The exact date of the anniversary is a little nebulous. The decision to make it a webcomic was made on 4/20/16 when I completed drawing the concept art for all the main characters (which I had set as a prerequisite for going on the hare-brained adventure) and drew what would become the title page. The first page was published on Smack Jeeves (where galebound.com is hosted) on 5/14/16. So the birthday of the webcomic is somewhere between those dates but I’m going to consider it to be 5/14, which is why I’m rambling about it today. I want to talk a bit about Galebound’s history and what it means to me.

Galebound was originally a short story called Noblesse Oblige. It was written in first person POV from Conan’s perspective and published on DeviantArt back in 2007 or so. I really wish I could find that original draft because I bet it’s wonderfully terrible. I didn’t really know what I was doing with the story at the time--Conan was an untrusting jerk, Din was an arrogant troll, and Pascal was downright unhinged. The basic mechanics of the Obligation were there (simply that Noblemen could command Magicians), but that was about it.

I pants’d the story until it got to--well, just after this point actually. The conclusion of the battle on the bridge, and then I stopped. I don’t entirely remember why. But the story stuck around in the back of my mind while I met new friends (Hi, Skypernauts!), went to college, moved across the country, met my first boyfriend, got my first job, met my future husband, and casually worked on developing an RPGMaker game in my spare time (That RPG is called Memory and that story will likely get turned into a comic eventually as well).

While I was working on Memory’s battle system, I had the thought: how would I convert Noblesse Oblige into an RPG? The magic system would probably have to be something like the field generator from the original .hack games: string together words for a certain field or, in this case, magic. That way the command side of the Obligation would be integrated into the gameplay.

I played around with that idea for a bit longer, but ultimately decided it wouldn’t work; there was a major design flaw with the game. I can’t say what that flaw was because figuring out the solution to the design flaw led to the realization of a huge twist in NO’s story. I had to get this story out. Now.

Around this time I had abandoned RPG-making (because making nice maps is a PITA), so I took Noblesse Oblige through a JulyNoWriMo (NaNoWriMo, just in July). This time I took the story through Norin, Evenheim, the bridge, and on to Cymaria and beyond, compelled as if by Obligation. I accomplished my goal of 50k words, but the story still wasn’t complete. I slowed down the writing process and kept at it, but I also wanted to share the story so badly.

And uh...well. No one was interested in beta reading it except one friend, when time allowed. My fiance made an attempt, but didn’t get very far (He tried though, bless him, and said that although the beginning was rough--lord was it ever--it picked up eventually). In his eternal patience, my fiance at least let me spill the whole story at him. He didn’t like parts of it, mainly some things that happen around the midpoint and Din as a character in general (Din was a bit more actually evil back then). But he listened to the story as a whole, which was a lot more support than I felt anyone else had given the project at the time (Thanks, Mike <3). He also made a hell of a lot of puns about the ending of it, but in fairness the ending does lend itself to a lot of puns. It’ll blow you away (ba-dum-tsh).

I started getting really frustrated. There was this story that I just had to tell, but seemingly no one who would listen. I’d put a couple chapters up on Wattpad or Tablo, but got no feedback there (and didn’t learn until much later that those sites are miserable for anything that isn’t romance). An excuse would be that I wanted to know if this project had any sort of worth and if I should continue with it, but real talk: I wanted validation. I know better now what was happening then, but...well, hindsight.

While this was going on, I posted this illustration in the NaNoWriMo forums, the first drawing I had done in about two years or so.

No comments for a bit, but one day I was browsing through the thread and noticed someone quoted me and responded, asking if I was doing a webcomic. Um...No? I had tried making a webcomic before, but it was a LOT of work and I figured it wouldn’t be something I would have time for now.

Buuuuuuuuut the seed was planted. At this point I had determined the reason no one was interested in reading my rough novel was because A) the writing must be terrible (it kind of was) and B) nobody ain’t got time for reading books. So maybe this story could be told and find its audience as a webcomic. But only if I could draw ALL of the main and secondary characters. I would have to draw them hundreds of times, so no point in trying if I couldn’t even draw them all once.

Suffice to say, I succeeded. And the comic began under the new name Galebound.

Even as the comic went up, however, the need for validation persisted. I meticulously tracked subscription counts and likes and faves and everything, craving proof that people were reading this story. It got better as the story went on and some events did provide temporary boosts (Like Galebound getting featured on a “Top Five New Comics” list from Top Web Comics -excited screaming- and I met a new friend who I could talk to about the story and she actually read the monstrosity that was the first draft), but, well...

So, long story short: I was suffering from clinical depression with all that entails, and did for quite a while. Still am, technically. Just well managed now (yaaaaaay therapy and medication). It’s funny because I can pick out the pages it was hitting me the hardest because Conan was super bummed in those pages too.

I guess what I’m saying here is that this story was a big part of my life during some of the hardest and darkest times of my life.

I’m doing better now (see: aforementioned medication and therapy). Really I’m lucky because I see and talk to other webcomic artists who have similar struggles and similar feelings and the same reactions when sad or disappointing things happen and I want to suggest they get professional help when I recognize the signs of depression in them, but I realize I’m extremely fortunate in that I even had the opportunity to get the medical attention I needed. (I will recommend up and down all day long that if you’re suffering from depression and have the opportunity to see a doc about it, do so. For years I had tricked myself into thinking it wasn’t that bad even when...it was.)

There were good things, too. I met new friends and joined a community of other webcomic creators. I contributed to some drama in the community in an attempt to hold our publishing platforms accountable. I created a website to help webcomic readers and creators. I attended my first convention as an artist (and actually sold a sticker and a booklet! Woo!) and by the time this gets published I’ll have attended my second. Galebound has gained a small fanbase and I’m so proud of how clever the readers are. Seriously, you all keep me on my toes.

Regarding the story itself, Galebound is, by my estimates, about a fifth of the way through the full story, which means it will likely run for about ten years total if things don’t speed up (and I really want to speed things up). If you consult the Blake Snyder Beat Sheet, we’re somewhere in “The Debate”, that debate being “Who is Din and can he be trusted?”

Spoiler alert (warning: song with explicit language)

The whole concept of the Obligation stems from the dichotomy of what one wants to do versus what one feels compelled to do. That could be taking over the family business, going to college, going to church, even choosing a life partner based on expectations as opposed to one’s true feelings--as a character will say in the future, “not all Obligations are magic.” This sort of Obligation is something I think a lot of people face, and something Conan, too, will face throughout the course of the story.

Galebound is also about redemption and forgiveness. There are characters who have made terrible mistakes and decisions in the name of hatred and prejudice, and those who have brought harm to others out of sheer ignorance. It’s about self-worth and purpose. It’s about friendship and reconciliation. It’s about platonic and familial love. It’s about duty...and obligations.

It’s complicated, but “simple stories are inherently false. Life is complicated, and perspective matters.”

To sort of go into Conan and Din’s headspace a bit as they are now, they’re not in a good place emotionally, and it’s soon to get worse (because a certain someone Can’t Follow Instructions). They will hit rock bottom, but after that...well, there’s no place left to go but up? After this chapter, both of them will be reeling from mistakes made in the recent and distant past, but these events--as well as what will happen with the next few days--will put them in a place to rethink everything.

Long story short, I’m excited for what’s to come, but when am I not?

Anyway, that’s my spiel. Thanks for reading and for reading Galebound! My goals for it this year are to finish the first volume, start editing some of the earlier pages in preparation for printing, get a few chapters of the novel written (again), and get to the turn into act two. I’m actually so hyped for the turn I’ve edited this paragraph a millions times to keep myself from dropping even hints of spoilers because wow I want to talk about it.

So I better stop.

Thanks again for reading and Galespeed! <3

Links

Read Galebound here: galebound.com Prints and Stickers: store.synestories.com Social Media: Twitter | Facebook Support: Ko-Fi | Patreon

[erhiem]

Feather muthaland, Bibimutha’s songs play as if she is rebuilding her confidence in real time.

Photo Illustration by Renee Klahr, Aamna Ijaz/NPR; Courtesy of Muthaboard

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Photo Illustration by Renee Klahr, Aamna Ijaz/NPR; Courtesy of Muthaboard

Feather muthaland, Bibimutha’s songs play as if she is rebuilding her confidence in real time.

Photo Illustration by Renee Klahr, Aamna Ijaz/NPR; Courtesy of Muthaboard

NPR Music Turning the Tables A project envisioned to challenge sexist and exclusionary conversations about musical greatness. So far we’ve focused on reversing traditional, patriarchal best-of-lists and popular music history. But this time, it’s personal. For 2021, we’re digging into our own relationships to record the records we love, asking: How do we know as listeners when a piece of music is important to us? How can we break free from institutional pressures on our tastes in keeping with the lessons of history? What exactly does it mean to create a personal canon? Essays in this series will explore our unique relationship with our favorite albums, from unmatched classics by major stars to sub-cultural gamechangers and personal revelations. Because the way some music holds a central place in our lives is not just a reflection of how we develop our tastes, but of how we approach the world.

In April, two days after my partner got his second COVID-19 vaccination dose, a friend sent us an invitation to celebrate his birthday at a bar. “I’m not sure,” I said, citing CDC guidelines to wait at least two weeks before socializing. But I had another idea. While some dreamed of nail salon appointments as a return to normalcy, and others fled to Airbnbs on the outskirts, I suggested making a noise on the phone once again with the crew, three Geminis and Taurus.

Our first time together was in 2019, which we regarded as a rite of passage, playing Kendrick Lamar good kid, maed city (an epic, if not prestige update for the specific soundtrack) as our visions began to blur. More than anything, I noticed how the psychedelic influences calmed the ticking urgency I felt on a daily basis in order to make productive use of my time. That kind of urgency became too much to bear last year: With the world still in a pandemic holding pattern, I was also eyeing my 35th birthday in June, and I needed to answer questions from family incessantly. Didn’t feel closer – to where my career was headed, or whether I would have children, and if so – than it was ten years ago. Naturally, I didn’t tell this to my friend.

While I certainly yearned for pre-pandemic normalcy, or perhaps a time where my age was not nearly as consequential, I was also inspired by muthaland, Chattanooga, Tenn., the first album of 2020 by rapper Bibimutha. muthaland Helping me take myself out of this pressure to live up to everyone’s expectations. The album begins by promising a good time; In the opening skit, a game show contestant swallows an acid tab to enter Bibimutha’s world. This realm of her imagination ends up as a tangle of feelings and thoughts, where not a single factor – not her career or single motherhood – completely defines who she is.

I first heard about Bibimutha in 2016. Not long before artists like art rocker Björk embraced her. Even in this crowded music landscape, it’s hard to forget an artist who names their debut EP after an iconic makeup palette, or whose moniker dates back to their mid-20s as having two sets of twins. The latter is considered a badge of honor. Early singles like “Rules” and “Rose” were the talk of a smoky-eyed relationship that could make women completely in agreement (“I’m not going to waste my waist, my thighs, my time, and all my energy/effort. Can *** * which just not for me”). The ambitious concepts he had in mind for his debut album also looked promising. his first thought, prosperity gospel, as a result of her love-hate relationship with televangelist pastor Joel Osteen (“He can sell any f****** thing and you’ll just spend your money,” she once said). Later, she stated that she planned to call the album Christine; It would be inspired by a relative who killed men who either betrayed her or abused her.

Yet I didn’t really connect with Bibimutha until we were both at the peak of our frustrations with our careers. In July 2020, Atlanta’s NPR affiliate WABE dropped under the map, a Southern hip-hop podcast that I co-host, just as overall podcast listenership began to return to pre-pandemic levels. and until muthaland Arriving last August, BbyMutha was completely disillusioned with the music industry. “After this album I’m never doing it again,” she said. This rap retirement announcement ended prematurely, although at the time, listeners mourned the lost potential. In muthalandLong after that tab swallowed one of the most indulgent rap fantasies of all time, BbyMutha is a next-gen LA chat with wordplay inspired by Gucci Mane, a rare woman who navigates traps and orders sex from across the gender spectrum. But Bibimutha also emphasizes in “Holographic” that the journey is a “rave with roaches” swirling around her house. At the height of her musical talent, she could still find a place where she falls short.

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As the oldest of my cousins, I spent most of my life in Maryland oriented around achievement and success, setting a good example. After graduating during the 2008 recession, the older I’ve gotten, the harder it felt to be, shortly thereafter separated from my first and only 9-to-5 to pursue a culture journalism career. moved to Atlanta for what seemed frivolous or self-indulgent before this “Essential workers” became part of our lexicon. (“My mom actually ran away from the Vietnam War when she was 16, so I could see” My Block: Atlanta For work, I’m not a s***,” i once joked.) I attributed my lack of hustle to this fear of failure which only intensified over the years. and before muthaland, I looked for music that helped me wrestle with or push through those feelings. open mike eagle dark comedy Soundtracked my uncomfortable entry into the gig economy after college. I still turn to trap jeezy songs Let’s get on this: Thug Inspiration 101 Or DouBoys Cashout’s “started out as an activist” for a momentary boost.

In the spring of 2019, I learned that this persistently worrying and ensuing fatigue had a name: generalized anxiety disorder. (I’ve kept it a secret from my family; my uncle once said that Asians “take too much pride in going to therapy,” as statistics following the Atlanta-area spa shooting would show.) As I tracked my sleep and panic attacks in one notebook after another, I learned that perfectionism—my once default answer to job interviews—is, “What’s your biggest weakness?” – not really to be seen in a positive light at all. Still, my mother’s way of asking “How are you?” Keeps “Are you busy?” and “Are you making money?” And I still answer “yes” every time. It has taken me almost all the time in the past two years to accept that self-awareness is still a work in progress.

Last December, my therapist gave me an exercise regimen that I still use today. In a moment of crisis, I write down the first negative thought that comes to mind (“I always make the wrong decisions,” “My career is coming back,” “Christmas is ruined”). Then I write through a reality check, as if interviewing myself: Are all these ideas true? Or is there evidence that this situation is not as dire as I had feared?

I recognize this train of thought muthaland. Songs like “Roaches Don’t Die” become anthemic because when Bibimutha brags and boasts, it’s like “You don’t f*** with who’s who with who’s government stamp and wic, huh?” Like what happens between songs. When she looks in the mirror and longs for the confident woman she once was (“I miss that b**** sometimes”) she descends on a personal statement in the face of “heavy metal”. “They see the truth when they see me / They see they aunt and they mom and grandma, gee,” she raps. “They look in a mirror, it ain’t clear / I’m afraid of everything being b*****.” At the end of “Scam Likely”, Bibimutha mocks the pseudo-awakening, drag race-savvy listeners who insist on having her as a role model (“And she makes me feel so empowered that ****** is empowered – and i up“). I get her reasoning: Role models seem impenetrable. Bibimutha’s songs sound like she’s rebuilding her confidence in real time.

During my last visit, my therapist told me to work on my definition and measures of success. I still don’t have concrete answers that translate into neat life goals, though maybe that’s an answer in itself. muthaland Teaching me to lower expectations that may read as plausible but ultimately prove untenable. Its themes confirm how I felt after my first 2019 visit, which is that scientists should revisit the psychological properties of hallucinations, even after decades of government-imposed stigma. Bibimutha’s lyrics demonstrate that motherhood, as it would be, cannot replace a sense of self. Neither would career ambitions, for that matter: muthalandThe most obvious nod to any kind of rap pantheon is “outro (skit 5).” Game show hosts thanks “sponsors” Boosie, Webby, and Diamond and Princess from Crime Mob — and then in 19 seconds, it’s over. muthaland otherwise completely untouched by discussion about Rap’s Mount RushmoreHow sales and clout factor into greatness. In how its soul-searching slowly unfolds during its hour-long runtime, the album is teaching me that position is not everything, but timing is.

In the flurry of excessive social activity between getting vaccinated and preparing myself for the Delta version, here’s what I’ll remember most:

The post-vaccination journey that finally took place on a Sunday in May. By 6 p.m. the effect was gone, though my partner reading the tarot gave to our friend, the second Gemini, didn’t wrap up until close to midnight.

The first time I heard BbyMutha’s “GoGo Yubari,” a harsh indictment against her baby daddy and the nature of how she became a baby mama: “Another violent story, another self-esteem destroyed.” BbyMutha released it in June, one of several loose and unreleased EPs from this year. muthaland. (Thank god she didn’t actually retire.)

Finally, a passing comment from a friend ahead of her 35th birthday this month. The keyword was “milestone”, with this weighted expectation we had already achieved, suggesting that all this was not enough. “I’m always here to talk about it,” I said, and I meant it. After the past year of working as a stand-in confidant of BbyMutha, I feel ashamed personally, or a shame at all.

christina lee is a music and culture writer living in Atlanta. She co-hosts the podcast under the map.

The post BbyMutha’s ‘Muthaland’ Is Teaching Me That Status Isn’t Everything : NPR appeared first on Spicy Celebrity News.

[never-not-ever]

2017/1 year anniversary with my girlfriend

How We Met

So I actually met my girlfriend on OkCupid when I was down here at my Aunts house last January. I love visiting my Aunt and we do hang out and go places but there’s also a lot of down time. So last year when I was down here I was bored and made an online dating account. At first it was just guys but I got pretty bored of that and started thinking how a lot of the guys weren’t my type and then I was questioning what my type even was and what gender too! So I decided to switch my “looking for” to women and it was the best decision I’ve ever made. I started talking to Andrea and I remember it all so clear and it’s so crazy to be back in this bedroom where it all began. Laying on this very bed where I stayed up late talking to this amazing woman. It sounds cliche and I don’t know how but I stumbled across Girls Like Girls by Hayley Kiyoko and that was literally my anthem for that month. I mean come on the song was perfect for me. It was like my own little cheerleader in the background telling me that what I was doing was okay except I didn’t need anyone to tell me it was okay because I knew in my heart that it was perfectly okay and perfectly normal. We started talking on January 13th. I left WV and took the Amtrak train home to Boston on January 16th and that day I heard her voice for the first time. I remember it like it was yesterday! I was on the train and getting closer and closer to Boston. We were so giddy and nervous to talk on the phone but looking back it was the cutest thing. That night we talked on the phone for 2 hours. I met her the next day on January 17th and almost a week later we made it official. January 23rd, 2017.

2017

January

So the rest of the month is a blur. Lots of dates and hanging out. Meeting her family etc. Her meeting my gm. This month should have been filled with pure joy but there was also heartache. This also happened to be the month I had a fall out with my two ex-best friends. Not going to go into specifics, just that it was very painful and very toxic. 

February

Our first Valentine’s Day! I bought her flowers and she stuck post it notes around her room with little reasons why she loved me or little fun facts about us. I think it was after Valentine’s Day where I started working more and more in the Florist. I’ve been at my job for almost 8 years now and I’d always help out in the florist around the holidays but this year I moved to that department permanently. February is also the month her parents go away so I basically stayed at her house all the time! They have a 16 year old dog and Andrea works a lot and couldn't take her out all the time so her sister moved home for the month and since I was always there I grew closer to her sister during this month. 

March 

Nothing too grand and exciting.

April

We went on our first vacation to Virginia Beach and it was so much fun. Our hotel room was amazing and right on the beach! The weather was perfect and we did so much. I’d love to go back again because it was just a great time filled with lots of memories! I started talking to one of my ex-friends around this time too.

May

Birthday month! My first birthday in years were I didn’t wish to be dead when I blew out the candles. Sounds dramatic but I’m not joking. We spent the day together and I saved a baby squirrel from a rest stop parking lot. Ruined my “Normal People Scare Me” hoodie by wrapping the little guy up in it who was covered in fleas and bugs. I also started talking to the other ex-friend again but it just wasn’t the same. I think by this month I was officially a florist clerk! Besides meeting Andrea, switching departments at my job made my year. I became so much more happier and cheerful at work. I also went to my first wedding (since I was a kid which I don’t even remember!). It was a waterfront wedding and amazing. I’ll always remember that night! I wore a dress for the first time since prom!

June

I went to London!! It wasn’t as long as I would have liked but it was amazing!! I could honestly see myself living there. I went with my cousin and my uncle who was on a business trip. It was the highlight of my Summer. Went to another wedding. It wasn’t as nice as the first one but it was still a great time! It was out in western Mass and we slept overnight at a nearby hotel. The next morning me and Andrea decided to take a drive down to NYC. It was spontaneous and I loved it even though we got there around suppertime and didn’t get to do much. It was still a good time!

July

Andrea’s family has a huge 4th of July BBQ and that was a pretty great day! I wore another dress lol! My old friends came and we all hung out and played games and then watched the fireworks on a dock in the water. It was so nice to have everyone together but that was the first and last time it ever happened. A strange and mysterious thing happened this month. A baby kitten was found in my front entrance. You see, to get in my house you have to go up a flight of stairs and open not only a storm door but a regular door as well. That brings you to a little square hallway where we keep the mail and theres two more doors-one leads to the second floor where I live with my gm and the other is for the first floor where my uncle lives. We keep the mail on a little set of shelves in that hallways and one morning my gm was taking my dog out and there was a kitten sitting on the bottom shelf! We named her Delilah and kept her and she’s been a part of the family ever since.

August

This month was a blur. Nothing big and exciting happened. Met my new psychiatrist and started preparing to say goodbye to my therapist whom I would be terminating with in the next month. 

September

Went on our second vacation together to D.C. My body image was crap and it kind of sorta ruined the trip cause I was always so self conscious being in public and stuff. In the end it was still nice just being able to get away and spend time alone. It was Andrea’s birthday and I made her a collage of our pictures that said “I like me best when I’m with you”. It was cute. When we got back from our trip I started up EMT classes again. I took the course in 2014 and passed all but one test (the state written) and I let too much time go by so I decided to retake the course. At the end of the month I had to say goodbye to my therapist. Someone I worked with since April of 2016 when I was inpatient. It was so hard to say goodbye because for over a year I saw this woman almost every single week and she helped me thru times when I thought I was going to end up back in the hospital. I also stopped going to my DBT group as well. Stopping with therapy wasn’t my choice, stopping with group was. This also was the month I stopped talking to my ex-best friend whom I was friends with for over 10 years. We didn’t have a big fight or anything we just drifted apart. “You didn’t text me” “But you didn’t text me” so typically but it was bound to happen. People change and there’s nothing wrong with that. I feel like for the most of 2017 I kept trying to prove that I didn’t change like it was some bad thing when in reality it’s okay to change, it’s part of life. 

October

And to follow along with that last month I also stopped talking to my other ex-friend. I have nothing against them. They were there for me when I was at rock bottom in 2016 and for that I will be forever grateful. In 2017 however things were very rocky. Things felt forced, like I was walking on eggshells afraid to do something wrong. A never-ending rollercoaster that finally came to a stop in the end of October. I’m not going to lie and say that my life has been great ever since. Because it hasn’t. I mean yes it’s been okay and I’ve been happy but I’ve also been so down because of all that’s happened with them, second guessing myself and wondering “what if”. But in the end we all moved on and that’s all that matters because in the end life moves on.

November

This Thanksgiving me, my uncle and my gm went over to Andrea’s and it was so much fun. After my people went home I stayed and played games with her brothers and sister and their significant others. We listened to Christmas music and just had a blast. Me and Andrea started Christmas shopping and listening to Christmas music and it was the start to a wonderful holiday. In the end of the month I took my class written exam and in some surprising turn of events I passed! Like I was so shocked because I didn’t study at all and went into that exam knowing that I could retake it and thinking that thats what was going to happen. But I didn’t have to because I passed!!

December

More Christmas shopping and snuggling under fuzzy blankets with my babe. All up until Christmas the only music I listened to was Christmas music! Ever since my Aunt passed away I always hated the holidays. It was so sad and depressing. But this year was different. I was looking forward to spending Christmas with Andrea and her family and starting new traditions. This month I had two practical exams. One for the class and one for the state and I passed them both!! I went to Andrea’s family’s Christmas party on the 23rd and it was so nice and festive. I slept over that night and on Christmas Eve we all woke up and celebrated Christmas morning a day early cause not everyone could be there for Christmas Day. We went over to a friends house for New Years Eve and ordered Chinese food and played Cards Against Humanity. I can’t remember the last time I kissed someone on New Years. But this time I got to ring in the New Year with my babe. 

[pixelatedlenses]

2017 in Review

All questions originally made from here. I copied and didn’t change them, but wanted to answer them in my own post. 

2017 is about... two hours and fifty-five minutes from being done, and while I’m tired, I do want to stay up until the new year comes so I can drink some Hello Kitty kid’s champagne with my mom then pass out on the sofa bed.

So here’s a detailed review of my 2017. Below the cut since it’s quite a bit wordy.

1. What did you do in 2017 that you’d never done before?

This year, I tried Koto! My teacher for shamisen plays both instruments -koto and shami- so I decided to give it a try. No regrets: I absolutely love it and will be playing my first concert on 1/27. It’s really exciting and has inspired me to try my hand at a few other instruments.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

No and yes: I didn’t make resolutions, but I have made goals for next year that I truly plan to keep. All of them are completely for me: I’m really making 2018 about my care.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No. I think not at least. A close friend got married though.

Wait, no! One of the ALTs got married and had a son: she lives in Tokyo now.

4, Did anyone close to you die?

Yes, a family friend at my church back home. It was quite sad, but I feel that she’s at peace right now. I, thankfully, think few others passed.

5. What countries did you visit?

Can I count Japan because… Japan. I am planning on going to South Korea in 2018 though!

6. What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?

Time and patience with myself. We’re working on both starting tomorrow. I would also like the ability to budget my time for me better.

7. What dates from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

July 25, 2017. It was the day that after an active four years of being in love with my best friend, she inadvertently gave me the courage to confess to her, only to find the feelings are mutual. It’s 9:39 p.m. on the last day of the year and I still can’t believe this happened.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Recontracting with my school, earning my TEFL, and going to therapy again. Also, really mastering riding my bike with two baskets: that’s a huge achievement in my book.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not getting help before I needed it and letting others influence me too much.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

In August, I got food poisoning, in September, I caught a cold, and in October, I got strep throat. It was a....rough time for my body these last four months.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Honestly, my slow cooker, bamboo tableware, and my chromebook, all last quarter purchases!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My homestay students. They showed up for a week straight to afternoon lessons with me and ended up having the experience of a lifetime in Australia. I’m just so, so proud of them.

Shoutout to my supervisor too: she’s really come through for me even though we just met.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Quite a few ALTs who are actin’ like we’re not twenty-something year old adults in charge of children and the man who spit on me.

14. Where did most of your money go?

New computer/chromebook, Yuri!! On ICE, books, and clothing.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

The re-release of the W.I.T.C.H. comics. I’m still hyped, enough that I keep listening to the playlist on repeat everyday.

16. What song will always remind you of 2017?

Echo feat. Gumi by Crusher-P

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c ) richer or poorer?

Happier, thinner, and so-so on the cash.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Loving myself.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Being hard on myself and trying to change. I was incredibly critical of myself this year, and that… was not always good.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

With my mother in Japan and with my friend James in Tokyo. There was lots of FMA with the latter.

21. Did you fall in love in 2017?

All over again. I expect that in 2018, I’ll say the same about my precious partner. Once again, I’ll confess that I’m still in shock that someone is as into me as I am them, and also thinks I’m sexy. I feel immensely attractive.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Shinya Shokudo, Super Sonico, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, and Blazing Transfer Students.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

No, and that’s a blessing I think.

24. What was the best book you read?

I really loved Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet by Becky Chambers and also Fran Wilde’s Updraft.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

REOL and Crusher-P. Shame that REOL is breaking up, but honestly, I love all three members so much.

26. What did you want and get?

I wanted to finally own lolita clothing, and I got my first outfit from indie label Lady Sloth. It’s a chocolate themed coordination, and let’s be honest: I look splendid.

27. What did you want and not get?

I really wanted to take the JLPT and I just didn’t have the chance. NExt year though.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

It came late but I really did like the new FMA live action. Also, I really loved Koe no Katachi a lot.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 25 this year and spent it with a 102 degree fever in bed. Next year, y’all.

I did, however, receive lots of drawing goods which means people listened to what I wanted. Rather pleased with that.

30. What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Discovering the joys of taking myself on a date. I am really good company

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017?

Soft Librarian Chic

32. What kept you sane?

Hope and knowing that everything comes to an end in time.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

None really.

34. Who did you miss?

In no particular order: my mother, my friend-turned-partner, my dog, my father, and my sisters, who are really two of my best friends from childhood.

35. Who was the best new person you met?

Probably my supervisor and principal.

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017.

I’ll give you a few, actually:

You can tell how much a person values by how they start a text conversation.

Nothing can prepare you for crying on a bus ride home.

Listen to a river: it’ll help you understand what to do next.

Sometimes, people who you give to will never care to give back. Stop giving to them once you realize that’s all our ever going to get. 

It’s not selfish to expect kindness in return for giving kindness.

37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

So since I got big back into Italian comic series -and American animation series-  W.I.T.C.H., I want to share lyrics for what I found at the end of this year. It’s Taranee Cook’s imagine song, and really helped me when I was hurting a lot. Taranee is a character that really inspired me growing up and continues to now: though timid, bookish, and often the first to be considered weak, Taranee’s ability to overcome inspires me.

Let’s end the year with her image song “Fire”.

I often wonder what’s my purpose. I always would search deep inside. I found myself lost in the dark until the day that I let my light shine.

Each day I know I’m getting strong. The path is much clearer to me. Now I can with the world the gift that I have, for everyone, around me to see.

There’s a fire that burns deep inside. There’s a light that I use as my guide. I can put all my troubles behind me when I warm every heart with the fire that lies inside me.

[onewfantaesy]

The secret adoption fic. Ohmygah! I can't help but compare it to the one with gwiboon and jinki. But i loved it anyway! Is it something you would maybe dabble in again? *big sad kitten eyes* just rambles?

lol tbh the gwiboon and jinki fic was very much inspired by the secret adoption fic, it just actually got finished so 🤷

but basically, taemin immediately moves in with jinki and luna. they also very carefully explain the situation to taeyeon, who is a bit confused at first, but she just goes from calling taemin “uncle taeminnie” to “taeminnie.” she also loved having taemin around before that, so when she found out that taemin was moving in, she just was so excited and happy and spent just a lot of time hugging him.

there’s also a whole lot of legal things that have to be taken care of in order for them to legally be taemin’s parents. it takes a long time, it’s a pain in the ass, luna’s parents make it as difficult as possible, but after about a year, everything is official. jinki and luna are now both biologically and legally taemin’s parents.

and naturally, the whole school finds out about how one of the math teachers suddenly went from being a student’s brother-in-law to being his father. there’s so many different variations of the story that it’s ridiculous, from taemin having been kidnapped when he was a baby to jinki and luna giving him up for adoption only to be adopted unknowingly by luna’s own parents. it’s all insane, there’s a stupid amount of rumors, and taemin feels like everyone is staring at him whenever he walks through the hallways.

it’s made even worse by the fact that jinki is taemin’s math teacher for both his freshman and sophomore year. taemin loves jinki, he’s a great teacher, but he doesn’t like the way his classmates always whisper about the whole situation behind his back.

jinki does his best to not give his students any more reason to give taemin a hard time.

they might also start going to family therapy after jinki asks one of the school counselors on their opinion for what to do. it’s just the three of them, taeyeon being too young, and it’s just a place for taemin to talk about what’s going on without having to worry about getting in trouble or making anyone upset. 

much to jinki and luna’s shock, taemin is very quick to start calling them “mom and dad.” it only took a couple months for him to start calling them that. they thought it would take a couple years.

when it’s taemin’s fifteenth birthday, jinki and luna want to throw him a really big party. taemin, however, does not want that.

“can i just have a couple friends over?” taemin asks. “to play video games and stuff?”

“of course,” luna tells him. “do you want us to order food? we can get pizza, or chinese, or anything you want.”

“can we just have pizza? and an ice cream cake?”

“anything you want,” jinki says.

so on july 18th, taemin has a few friends over for the first time since he found out that jinki and luna were his parents. kai, ravi, krystal, amber, minho, key, and - to jinki’s dismay - jonghyun all pile into the house to play video games, board games, and to eat pizza and ice cream cake.

when taeyeon comes over to them and starts whining that she wants to play too, taemin pulls her into his lap and tells her, “help taeminnie play. here, roll the dice for me.”

it’s actually a really good roll, and taemin shouts and hugs her tightly while laughing at his friends’ faces.

after a while, jonghyun - to taemin’s dismay - pushes krystal close to where taemin is on the couch and tells them to “get to know each other a little better.”

“shut up,” taemin hisses, his eyes wide and his head shaking just a bit.

key and minho both start making kissy-noises from where the snuck up behind the two, and taemin’s face turns bright pink. krystal, her face equally as flushed, is just laughing nervously and telling them they’re all stupid.

luna is practically giggling from where she’s spying from the kitchen. jinki scoffs and says she’s the worst.

“our son has a crush,” luna says. “i knew it had to be her, she’s in the same dance class as him.”

after everyone has left the little birthday party, luna corners taemin on the couch with a big grin on her face.

“you like krystal”

“mom,” he whines.

“you like her,” she teases. “you want to kiss her”

“stop”

“you want to date her”

“you’re being mean to me on my own birthday!”

“will you stop harassing him?” jinki says from where he’s standing behind the couch.

also, about a couple weeks after taemin is told about jinki and luna being his parents that he just sort of tip-toes out of his room one night and into the living room. taeyeon has long since been sent to bed, luna fell asleep early because she had a long day at work, and jinki is just watching something on television until he’s ready to go to sleep. 

taemin watched him from the end of the hallway, and he hesitated for a moment before he went to the couch and sat down next to jinki.

jinki turned and smiled at him, asked him why he wasn’t in bed, and taemin just shrugged.

“couldn’t sleep?” 

taemin shook his head.

jinki smiled at him again, put an arm around his shoulders, and pulled taemin close to him. taemin’s shoulders tensed at first, but he relaxed against jinki’s side and let his head fall against jinki’s shoulder.

after a few minutes, taemin mumbled, “i’m glad you’re my dad.”

jinki took in a sharp breath, but he laughed and kissed the top of taemin’s head.

“so am i.”

after about an hour, jinki looked at the time and shook his head.

“time for bed, taeminnie,” jinki whispered.

taemin only groaned in response, not opening his eyes.

jinki smiled, stood up carefully, and pulled taemin up to his feet. taemin didn’t even open his eyes, just let jinki guide him down the hallway and back to his bedroom.

“i’ll see you in the morning. i love you,” jinki told him as he pulled the blanket up to taemin’s chin.

“love you too,” taemin mumbled, rolling over and pulling the blanket closer to him.

jinki lingered in the bedroom for a moment, his fingers carding through taemin’s hair before leaned down to kiss his head and go to bed himself.

[theocmarathon]

If You Believe You Can Achieve

In the summer of 2015, I had hit my all-time highest weight. I was nearly 170 lbs. and when running or playing with my then 6 year old daughter, I couldn't keep up. I knew I had bad knees but the weight wasn't helping. I went to get the MRI's in both knees... the result was cartilage fissures (cuts in the cartilage) and cartilage loss. This was good and bad news. No surgery was needed but there was also no real way to fix it. The doctor recommended physical therapy but I knew that was only fixing one of the problems. So I ended up hiring a personal trainer, Robert Diaz from Total Body Project. He was referred from a then co-worker, who had lost an amazing amount of weight. He reviewed my MRI results and we got to work, always taking special care and focus of the knees because I couldn't run and walking a mile took me about half an hour. Over the course, I lost a significant amount of weight, about 40 lbs., and have kept it off. During our time together, we focused on strengthening and weights and I did all my cardio on my own. Sometime about a year ago, during one of my walks, it turned into a jog, and I found myself RUNNING! I was so amazed that I actually started crying as I was running and realized I still needed to see, so got myself back together quickly. This was a huge breakthrough for me. As the running increased, it became part of me and by April, I was invited to a new challenge. One of my coworkers and I were talking about a 10K and he suggested to me about working towards a half marathon. I mentioned it to Robert and in days the excitement and the challenge was in the universe!!  I was going to run my first 10K on the 4th of July and signed up for the Long Beach Half for October 8th. There was a discount at the time if I signed up for both the Long Beach and Surf City Huntington Beach Half, so I did. I had heard and read about the Beach Cities Challenge medal and I WANTED ONE. This was crazy though, I thought to myself... I'm going to be 39, do my first half marathon and end up doing 3 before I turn 40?? It was nuts, but I was ready!!  

We worked to get me ready for the 10K in July and my goal was under 1 hour. I finished in 1:00:02.something. Basically 3 seconds over my goal. It was the fire under my belt. Every week I ran interval sprints on the treadmill and every weekend I was making a long run and adding a mile on each week. Every run was inspiring... I would think of where I was and how far I had come. I would think of the people who helped get me here and the life we have created for our family. I love to get out there and feel the fresh air, clear my head, and "disconnect" even though I have my tunes in my ear. When I run, I think about how I was told I couldn't, that I didn't have a runners body, and that it's going to be bad for me. These things give me just enough chip on my shoulder to push me through, to prove that it's hard work but it is possible. I also don't like "dieting" although I do eat fairly well, running also helps keep off the pounds! 

Throughout these 2 years, Robert has undoubtedly pushed me, challenged me, and guided me to a stronger and healthier me. My husband, Torey, has been my biggest supporter; helping me with parenting duties so that I can make my workouts and my weekend runs. On some Saturdays, he and my daughter will even join me at my workouts with Robert and we'll do family walks, hikes, and runs where I will run ahead and come back to meet them. He's been so wonderful in accepting my goals and pushing me too, and in the process, he got back into working out, eating healthier and living a positive lifestyle with me. He's also lost weight and has been rooting for me this entire time. My daughter, Milani, who's now 8 1/2, is my biggest inspiration. She IS my hero!! Without her saying to me that day, "Mommy, why can't you run with me?", I'm not sure if it wouldn't hit me the same way. She's a gymnast and is in her first year of competitive gymnastics, Level 3. During the last 2 years of me training, it's sort of us been training together. She worked so hard to make the team and each day she trains, she reminds me that goals are everyday. They're not just once. They renew themselves each time and we must continue to challenge ourselves and push through. I finished my first half at Long Beach at 2:12:37. I was super impressed considering there were some training setbacks and I was going into this run with an 8 mile trainer, the 2 week hiatus, and the 11 mile run that killed my IT band. I was tired and my family wasn't there. My daughter had a meet that day in Corona, so my husband was with her and my mother-in-law was with me. My trainer was also running (doing the combo bike/half). There were times I wanted to quit but I was reminded by the promise I had made with Milani... "divide and conquer". I couldn't let her down, she was "watching" and she was counting on me. The first 6, basically the 10K portion, I was doing amazing and was setting up for just over 2 hours with a pace about 9:30pm, taking it all in and enjoying the run. Then I hit a wall. Miles 7-9 down the beach were long and tiring... in the sun, and running into the wind. At mile 10 when we made the turn, back onto residential streets, I felt a resurgence and kicked it back up. Then came miles 11 and 12 and I was drooping again. As I approached the last mile, I tried to stick with it and just about 12.5, Robert was there. He joined me and ran with me through the finish line; he kept me going. I ran through that finish line with the biggest strides I could muster and I felt ACCOMPLISHED!! It was so intense and I was so happy it was over. I look back now and can't believe I did it!! I RAN A HALF MARATHON!! It was so exciting to take pictures, have my trainer there, meet some of their training team, find my mother-in-law, and call my husband. It was an incredible beginning to my new journey and an awesome birthday gift to myself. Huntington is next up and now I have a time to beat!! My next big challenge coming up with the Surf City Huntington Beach run, as this is my 2nd in my Beach Cities Challenge.This May I began having pains in my stomach and in July I was diagnosed with a hernia and diastasis (muscle separation) in my stomach.  I was lucky enough to put the surgery off until after I completed Long Beach and just had the surgery 12 days ago. This has of course setback my ongoing training once again, but I like to challenge the doubters. Once given the okay from my doctor, I should have about 60 days to get back on track with my trainer in the gym and begin my running again to get ready for Surf City.  As you can see, throughout this journey, I've not only become a fan of my running, but a fanatic!!  And hopefully, it will make a smoother path as I work myself into the OC Half and complete the Beach Cities Challenge!!  All I keep thinking is how crazy to do this at this time in my life and to think it all started as a side conversation!!  The power of what you put out in the universe can be something amazing beautiful!! By, Josellie Severino

[cherrystreet]

hey! i was just thinking, that i've been listening to the songs harry requested on radio 1 and they've been stuck in my head for so long omg. and like, i'm not connecting the songs he requested to larry, but with each song a little scenario ab them plays in my head! was wondering if you could write little snippets based on a couple of the songs? sweetest devotion by adele and issues by julia michaels!

I got really carried away with this; I combined both of these songs and very subtly put a few of the lyrics into a mess of 3k. I hope this works for you xx

Louis watches the build up and break over a period of months. Years, even. Harry’s tired. They both are, but Harry’s exceptionally so. He’s been working nonstop on his album, his photography, himself, and now that he’s back in the limelight all day, everyday, it’s taking a serious toll. Louis doesn’t say anything or imply that Harry needs to slow down, but he wants to, just isn’t quite sure how. Harry’s been a little moodier, a little more on edge, and the whole time Louis is trying to figure out a way to approach the subject lightly, it seems that Harry has already given it just as much thought as Louis has, if not more.

“I think I wanna take some time off,” he says one night just before bed. He’s in the middle of changing his pants, tripping into them like he always does. “Like, hide, maybe?” The way he says it makes it sound like he’s asking for permission from Louis, just to make sure they’re currently at the same level.

Louis raises a brow from his position in bed and looks up, relieved, worried. “Yeah? Like go on an extended holiday?”

“Mmm, something like that.”

“Care to elaborate?”

Harry crawls into bed beside him, shirtless and shoulders pink from his sunburn. The weather was mild and about 10 degrees today - typical for January - but they spent the majority of the day outside, anyway, Harry lounging in the backyard, ignoring Louis’ request to venture out. Paps, he said simply, going back to shielding his eyes from the LA sun.

“I rented out a place in Maine,” he says, reaching for his reading glasses on the bedside table. He doesn’t really need them, but no matter how much Louis teases him about it, he continues to wear them, squinting without them. Dramatic. “I’m not even really sure where it is, but I know it’s right on a lake, it’s in the woods, it’s secluded, it’s…” He sighs. “Not here.”

Louis’ stomach tightens. “You trying to get away from me, Styles?”

“No, God no.” Harry shakes his head, curls finally grown back in and bouncing. “I’m trying to take a break from everything, but that doesn’t include you. You can come with me, if you want. But don’t feel obligated to. I know how much you love it here. And that you like writing here best.”

I love it here because you’re here. “I’m comin’ with,” he replies eventually.

“You want to?”

“Yes. You’re a bit strange for wanting to fuck off to the middle of nowhere but. I’m used to your weirdness by this point. No judgement here. I’ll come with.”

Harry smirks, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose like Louis always does. Copy cat. “Good.”

“So, when’re we leaving?”

“Thursday morning.”

“Christ, you’re an impulsive lad, aren’t you?”

“I suppose.”

“Makes life interesting.”

Harry nods, reaching for the remote for the telly, then setting it back down. “I’m very happy. I really am. I just need a change, yeah?”

“It’s okay to, like, want to step back,” Louis says softly. “You don’t have to be grateful and positive every second of the day. Wanting to escape is probably the most normal thing I can think of.”

He’s quiet for a moment, probably thinking. He purses his lips when he looks at Louis. “Thank you.”

“Absolutely.”

“And you’re gonna escape with me? Until you’re tired of me?”

Louis smiles, turning off his bedside light. “Absolutely.”

Maine is fucking cold. Painfully cold. Being on the water does nothing to help that, and Louis spends the first week inside, wrapped in blankets and jumpers, the tip of his nose now permanently red. Harry makes him tea, all the while repeatedly saying, “It’s so gorgeous out here. The water seems so still under the ice. Look at all the snow. The trees. There are so many.”

Louis just rolls his eyes, jamming his toes under Harry’s thighs. “Yes, yes, nature is amazing. Would be more appreciative if it wasn’t so bloody freezing.”

The cabin is nothing to brag about. The kitchen is far from gourmet, the appliances old and creaky, and though there are three bedrooms, they’re all small, cramped. The living space offers next to nothing other than an old wood stove (which quickly becomes Louis’ best friend), and the entire space is outdated, in desperate need of some serious love. Louis keeps his mouth shut, though, because Harry is the happiest Louis has seen him since he got back from touring. He’s lounging, he’s playing his guitar, he’s fucking smiling, and Louis can’t stop staring at him, not worried for the first time in ages.

January ticks by quickly, the silence around them both calming and unnerving. It takes a while to get used to not having an agenda, not mapping out their day according to where paparazzi and nosy fans are, but once they figure out how to appreciate the new environment, Louis feels light. He turns off his phone for the majority of the day, the owls hooting and coyotes howling the soundtrack to their nights instead of constant beeping and ringing, and even though he gives Harry shit for essentially writing love songs about all that Maine has to offer, he’s finding himself embracing the change, too. He sleeps better than he has in months, the cold air numbing his lungs, his mind, dead tired by the time he slides under the duvet cover beside Harry each night. And though Louis knew Harry had been tense in months prior, he hadn’t realized how stressed he’d actually been. He has a comparison now, though, can see the way the bags under Harry’s eyes are clearing up, can see the brightness back in his grin, isn’t blind to the way he seems to be a little touchier than usual, fumbling into bed with Louis before it’s dark out, his hands restless and his mouth hot. On Harry’s birthday, they get stuck at the cabin, snowed in, but it doesn’t matter. Louis wakes him up slowly, Harry whining low in his throat the whole time, and when Louis does his best to make breakfast in bed with the limited ingredients they have in the kitchen, Harry acts like it’s the best gift he’s ever received. Louis almost believes him.

The shadows outside from the trees are long, ominous, and beg to be touched. Pine trees, oak trees; they’re all strong and sturdy and bare, the tops of them disappearing against the inky black sky, stars bright and unclouded by smog like in the city. The firewood snaps, the steam from mugs swirl up, their breath comes out like smoke in wisps. Heavy blankets feel like weights, heavy and safe. The yard is white. The lake is frozen. Sometimes, when Harry is finally fast asleep, his breathing even and his mind finally shut off, Louis will sneak out and stand out on the back deck, shaking in the cold, numb, could scream if his lungs would work, but it wouldn’t matter because no one is around to hear him.

It’s rejuvenating, it’s the best therapy he’s ever had, and damn Harry for knowing exactly what they both needed, somehow. Louis hadn’t realized how stuffed up he was, too, was so focused on Harry’s well being that he hadn’t realized he was also under the pressure of it all.

They’re incognito. Anonymous. Louis has never felt so exposed, so secluded. He never wants to go back.

Spring rolls in from out of nowhere; Louis has flown back to LA four times, home to his family twice, and to Miami once for a promise to record with a new group of people. When he’s gone, he misses the cabin, misses Harry, but finds himself feeling refreshed when he’s back to work, back with his people. It’s a nice balance for once.

Harry only leaves Maine twice, though, seemingly happy to stay locked away, exploring the woods, hiking and creating his own paths up and down muddy walkways. Louis invites him to come away with him but Harry just shrugs and says, “I’m good, baby, thank you.”

The ice melts away, the flowers emerge. It’s cooler in the mornings and evenings, afternoon temperatures comfortable with a light jacket on. They make dinner together and eat out on the back deck, watching the waves lap up against the dock, and they talk about their writing, what’s going on in their heads. Harry doesn’t tense up like he has over the course of the past year when Louis asks what he’s worked on today, and instead, lights up when he passes Louis his leather bound notebook across the table. His handwriting is messy but precise as always, and Louis nods along as he reads through the second verse.

“This,” he says. “This part is great.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Louis confirms. “Phenomenal, really. Jealous I didn’t think of it first.”

Harry smirks, dimple poking out, and Louis wants to stick his finger in it. “Could’ve, if you spent more than ten minutes sitting still.”

“Hey, I do.”

“Sleeping doesn’t count.”

Louis shrugs. “Whatever. As long as you’re feeling good about where you are right now.”

“I am.”

“I’m glad.”

Spring in Maine is different than spring anywhere else Louis has lived. The leaves seem to bloom all at once, the branches grey and bare on Wednesday, green and thick by Thursday. The ground smells like dirt and wildflowers and new. The rain sweeps in every other day out of nowhere. It coats the pavement and grass, beading against the blades, sounds like pop rocks across the lake. It lulls Louis to sleep almost every time.

At the end of May, Harry has 18 songs complete, sings them so often that Louis has them memorized. Louis asks Harry if he’s ready to get back to LA and record, or maybe find some remote location somewhere to set up, like Juneau or the Keys or a tiny island off the coast of Ireland. Harry shakes his head.

“Nope. I’m good. Still want to be here.”

Louis just nods antsy.

June, July, and August are bloody hot, the humidity stifling. Louis wakes up with Harry plastered to his back every morning, stuck together from sweat, and he feels like he can’t breathe, suffocating in more ways than one. There’s no air conditioning, so Louis spends the majority of his time in the water, hissing from the shock of it when he dives into the wake. Harry typically joins him, ducking down to lick the water droplets off his collarbone, his neck. It feels good, being in their bubble, Harry’s hands wandering without consequences.

The lightning bugs come out half nine every night, mirroring the lightning streaking across the sky, and Harry says it’s for them, their own private show. Louis murmurs under his breath, “Well, no one’s here, Harry, who else would it be for?” Harry doesn’t answer that, just pulls Louis in closer, eyelashes sweeping across his cheekbones.

“You don’t have to stay,” he whispers.

“You don’t, either,” Louis counters.

“I’m just not ready to jump back into the speed of what used to be. I feel like I’m being more productive now than I’ve ever been, while I’m unwinding. Simultaneously.”

He gets that, understands completely. But. “It’s been awhile, love.”

“Okay, yeah, I know.”

Louis waits for Harry to say something else, but he doesn’t, just clinks his ice around in his glass, water sloshing over the side. The frogs are croaking, the crickets are chirping, and it’s the first time that Louis wants to shut it all off.

He heads back to LA for good just before the leaves start to transform into golds, reds, oranges, yellows, browns. Harry sends him pictures every morning, telling Louis he’s missing the views, followed by, I’m missing the views, too, if you know what I mean. Louis rolls his eyes at that and replies with, Come to LA and you can get a full show. Harry doesn’t come back, though, and Louis doesn’t expect him to.

It’s hard, missing Harry this much for the first time in ages, especially when he knows Harry still isn’t quite right. He can’t halt his life, though, can’t hole up in the woods forever, touching and kissing and listening to Harry’s pen scrawl across paper at three in the morning. It’s not realistic to continue to hide away, not when they both have so much waiting for them.

“We both clearly have some issues,” Louis says through the phone late one night in October. LA was hot today, but Harry told him he’s comfortable in a jumper and trackies, a little chilly, even. It feels like they’re worlds away, and not just on opposite ends of the country. “But you can’t keep yourself off the grid. Not forever.”

“I didn’t say it was forever,” Harry argues. “It’s not like I’ve been glued to this house. I’ve been home to see my mum and Gemma. I went to Sydney last month. I’ve been back to LA with you.”

“Yeah, once.”

“Lou, I need to do this for me. I did it for us, really, but now you’re gone and you’ve figured out how to settle but I haven’t. Not quite yet. You’re always one step ahead and I’m just trying to catch up.”

Louis swallows, picking at a scab on his knee. He has no idea where it came from. “See, that’s funny, because I always feel like we’re on exactly the same page.”

“You know what I mean.”

“I’m not sure I do.” He pauses to clench and unclench his jaw. “I love you. And I hope you’re feeling the way you want to feel. I’m trying to be supportive but I also want to slap you and, like, I haven’t seen you in six weeks and it’s just. Come home.”

“Baby, when I come home, I’m heading straight for you. First thing.” Harry breathes through the phone for a beat. “I miss you. So much. Stepping away from the public was exactly what I needed. I know you can tell how much better I sound. How much healthier.”

Louis nods, because it’s true. “Yeah.”

“The next step would have been stepping away from. Everything.” He doesn’t have to explain further for Louis to know he’s implying breakup. “I had to. And guess what.”

He pauses to exhale. “What.”

“I’ve written another album. Like, 53 songs that I’m trying to sort though. I’ve never felt more at peace with myself. With you. I haven’t missed you like this in ages. I forgot what it felt like to love this hard. And, like, I don’t want us to be tired of one another. Tell me if you are.” His voice wavers, just slightly. “Because I feel like now I’m on my way to being fixed, and in turn, that fixed everything else. Even things that didn’t need major repairs. Like us.”

Louis squeezes his eyes shut. “Never gonna be tired of you.”

“Thank God,” Harry whispers. “Hey, Lou.”

“Harry.”

“I had to use the heated blanket last night.”

“Was it really that cold?”

“No, but usually I have someone in bed with me and he’s pretty warm. Felt lonely.”

Louis smiles, shaking his head. “Put on wool socks next time.”

“Good advice.”

Over the course of the next month, Louis isn’t sure where they stand. They’re together, but Harry isn’t as communicative, and nothing feels reassuring anymore. Louis has to resist the urge to call and fight with him, just to put his negative energy somewhere, unsure of where else to put it, and he can’t believe he’s jealous of a Goddamn cabin. Louis has never been as devoted to anything in his entire life, nothing more than Harry, but he doesn’t know how to figure it all out on his own.

Turns out, he doesn’t have to.

He comes home to his boy lounging on their couch on a Tuesday night in November. He looks like he never left, bag of crisps on his lap, fucking wool socks covering his feet. He tips his head back and looks over the back of the couch when he hears Louis walk in.

“Hi, baby,” he says, the look on his face evident that he’s pleased with himself, sneaking through LAX without being seen, without Louis knowing. “‘m back.”

“I can see that.” Louis saunters over, not thinking about it as he carefully climbs astride Harry’s hips. He looks so good, smiling in that Harry way of his. “Decided to show up with no warning?”

Harry drops the bag onto the coffee table in favor of sliding his hands up and down Louis’ back. “Wanted to be a surprise.”

“I’ll say.”

“A good one, I hope.”

“Still thinking about it.”

He smirks, hands still moving. “You look gorgeous.”

“Obviously.”

Harry snorts and rolls his eyes. “Wish you’d seen some of autumn. Best season, by far. I swear, the lake looks orange from the reflection of the leaves. You’d love it. Gonna have to go back with you there someday.” He backtracks when he sees the look on Louis’ face. “For, like, a long weekend.”

He laughs, pressing his forehead to Harry’s. “Don’t think I’d love it as much as I love having you back here.”

“You and my manager.”

Louis needs to make sure: “You didn’t come back here for him, though, right.”

“No. I didn’t. Being away… It didn’t feel like home anymore. I needed time to refocus and recenter. I missed.” Harry looks up. He looks young, like the Harry Louis fell in love with so many moons ago. “A lot of things. But mostly you. Can’t wait to get you in the studio with me and show you what I have so far. And just can’t wait to start living again, yeah? You know what I mean? I’m ready to do this.”

Louis doesn’t have to ask what ‘this’ is. He knows. He feels it.

And maybe they are on the same page.

[vampykitty-kun]

Update:

Well, it’d been about a year or so and I guess it’s time to say that I’m not dead. I’ve only just now, as of an hour ago, gotten internet hooked up in my ‘home’.

This past year was a train-wreck.

the move I planned for almost 2 years, and spent all my savings on, was a bust. I had to move back after only 3 months, because once I got out there the property owner changed their mind on a whole bunch of crap. I spent the entire summer in 80-100 degree weather and no AC. Given that I was up in Wisconsin and lived my entire life in northern IL me and heat do not get along. They wouldn’t let me have the electric company come out and install electrical lines, because the company needed the property owner to sign off on it and he was a paranoid ass that kept insisting he was going to get stuck with the bill despite me having the cash in hand and the order being under my name. I spent the 3 months with one extension cord, no gas, no plumbing.

The guy that moved me out there also moved me home. He was a neighbor that was friends with my mother but only 3 years older than me. He was in a rough spot. Lost his job, his girlfriend left him, and the roommates he acquired after she left stole the rent $ and ditched him. By the time the 6 hour drive home was done he managed to convince me to move into his house. My father had stolen my bedroom after I moved out, threw out all my furniture, and was not going to give my room back. Neither parent wanted me to move back in with all of my pets either. I would have been stuck taking my grandma’s old room, which never would have fit all my stuff, and I had no furniture to speak of while this guy already had a bed, dresser, and TV in a room for me.

I took the chance and moved in. Honestly I just wish I never tried to leave home. I moved in mid September and spent the next several months without internet, paying all his back rent, paying most of the ongoing rent, buying all the food and cleaning supplies, etc, etc, etc, to the point that I’ve never been so tapped out financially in my life. He did start working on Halloween, but then was bad with his money, and it took several occasions before i had to start demanding to see rental receipts because not only would he often not give the landlord as much as he said HE was giving him, he often kept money I gave him for the rent and spent it elsewhere. Then because He was having to ride a bike home 40 mins from work as the buses didn’t run that late, he bought a beater car from a co-worker when we still weren’t caught up on rent. In the end I had to even contribute to that cost. Then we were FINALLY almost all caught up and he was laid off the first week of March. 

It got to the point that I flat out refused to pay for anything anymore, sold some things, and started saving money for my own place. But as many people know, renting with multiple pets is a nightmare. We were about to be evicted, he at the drop of a dime acquired a girlfriend who moved in the day they started seeing each other, and I ended up having to drop another $600 to avoid ending up out on my ass. He and she were of course supposed to contribute to that, but they didn’t. She did get a job and start paying rent after that, but he only managed to finally start work last week. I of course no longer have money saved up to move out so I’m trapped here until at LEAST July. I had to pay to get the internet hooked up and $100 towards rent again just 2 days ago.

Past housing related issues there have been plenty. 

Right before I moved out May 2016 my grandmother had a stroke. She ended up in rehab, recovered some after a few months, then came home. But then she had another stroke and ended up with mercer, and ended up back in the hospital just a week after coming home. She did not recover that time. She ended up in hospice. I did manage to go see her a few times before she passed away November 4th, just 2 days after my mother’s birthday and we had gone to see her.

Atticus, my sweet, adorable smooshy faced kitty jumped out the window a week before Halloween. I had repeated yelled at my roommate to put the screens back in the window, but he was ‘anti-screen’ saying it blocked air flow. I then repeated told him to warn me if the windows were open so I could lock Atticus in my bedroom. He of course never remembered. I was outside when he jumped out the window, I heard his collar bell, and did go after him. Unfortunately it was already dark out and I had no idea where the flashlight was, so when he dove into the garage I let him stay there. The garage has no power and has been used as storage so it would have been a nightmare trying to get in there in pitch black. he had gotten out a couple times before, during the day though, and after an hour or so he’d always come running if called. Those of you that followed me closely know I’m very anti-indoor/outdoor cat due to the zillion safety risks. I wasn’t thrilled by any of this. Well I tried an hour later to get him in and he did not come. I sat down, watched a movie, and just as it ended it started storming. I went out looking for him, got soaked completely through my coat, got the flashlight from the roommate who was home by this point, and NOTHING. He was no longer in the garage, not in the yard, not under any of the cars, not at my mother’s around the corner, he simply vanished. I went a few hours later and checked again after it stopped raining, and nothing. Checked in the morning, nothing. Walked the neighborhood listening for his bell when I called, nothing. I put up fliers. I called every animal control, shelter, rescue, and vet in the area. Nothing. Brought the fliers to them even. Checked animal control and the local rescue in person several times, nothing. I had this cat for 10.5 years and he just vanished without a trace. I got to hoping that someone at least found him and was cruel enough to me and attached to him to keep him. He was half persian which is a desirable look. But at least in that situation he’d be alright. My roommate watch me go nuts for weeks never giving up. It all ended when I found out from this girl he liked and I never talked to (I guess he thought I never would, but I went to McD’s and we started up a convo though when we ran into each other) that my cat was dead. As it turns out my roommate’s friend a block away found him the day after the storm dead at the curb in the grass near his house. My poor cat ended up hit by a car in a thunderstorm and died alone and in pain, all because of stupid ass screens. Instead of giving me the closure, my roommate hid this shit from me. He apparently told the girl this saying he had to get it off his chest but didn’t want to upset me. Then when I confronted him, he denied it. But he’d lied to me about so many things since moving in I never believed him. I continued to bring it up regularly, until he finally got fed up and admitted it to me. He claimed he went to confirm that it was him, then came home for a bit before he went back to pick him up, only to find that the city had already removed him. I doubt it. So not only did I not get the closure, but I didn’t get to bury him or anything. He never intended to tell me. he watched me continue searching. Watched me gt into the neighbor’s car and go to animal control various times. So yeah... coming on here to see that my profile pic was still my poor cat landed me in some serious angst...

Then after Grandma passed and the new year started, my mother had a stroke. Just after grandma had had her two. Turns out she had lupis, and it did something to her heart and tissue tore, and some of that tissue pinged around in her brain. She didn’t lose any feeling, but her speech and some other things were affected for a couple weeks. Because it was the heart and lupis that ultimately caused it, they ended up having to put her on the proper meds, and she had to have open heart surgery to correct the tears. She has since recovered mostly.

Meanwhile I’ve been having a nervous breakdown and existential crisis the past years and it finally blew up to the point where I couldn’t function at all, barely left bed, slept an average of 14 hours and still woke up physically and mentally exhausted. I had lost a good 15lbs out in Wisconsin for 3 months but at this time I have since gained 30lbs. Enough was enough, I started having some seriously shitty thoughts, and I went and got a medical card and adulted, scheduling a shit ton of appointments. I’ve started getting my bad teeth fixed, the ones I suffered through for the past 6 years. My blood pressure is magically stable despite the massive amounts of stress. No diabetes, a miracle. All my bloodwork came back normal. They have me scheduled to check for a couple different cancers, as there’s several in my immediate family. They have me seeing a therapy lady 1-2 a month for anxiety and depression. My anxiety got so bad in all of this that I started breaking out into hives and rashes at random. They have me on anxiety meds now and while they’re still trying to figure out dosages it did completely get rid of the rashes. They want to see how I do on these before they decide how to address the depression. They said if I think I need it they can assign me to someone to see weekly, but really I’m taking baby steps. 

Past all angst and chaos I’ve really not done that much fandom related, and I feel I have to apologize even though I guess I sorta have a legitimate excuse? I did draw some things during my time out in Wisconsin. They’re inked and I had started coloring them but never did finish. I didn’t touch any of my fics, though I certainly don’t want to abandon them, it’s just been a bad time. I did however start on two actual novel-novels, one of which is probably 2/3 of the way through. It was honestly easier in all of this to write something outside of fandom.

As for what I’m currently into, I’m still a big BatFam fan, but I did get into the Marvel Cinematic universe, and several Marvel comic titles outside of that. For the most part not their big main people, I like a lot of the smaller characters and a lot of the alternative versions of main people. I also dove into Teen Wolf the past couple months and a I forgot how much anything werewolf related thrilled me, so it’s been a good time there.

Idk where I’m going from here. I waited to come back to tumblr until I had my own internet connection. I guess I’ll just have to see how things go. I did miss this site’s content quite a bit, and shit, I really missed a lot of the people on here even though I’m sure some of you are gone, and no one has the same profile pics anymore, and a lot of you have even changed your names, so things are confusing, but I’ll figure it out.

I’m glad to be back and I seriously hope I can finish pulled myself out of this hole.

~Vampy

[canaryatlaw]

Alright, so today was good. I successfully convinced myself to get out of bed at 10:15, so that's progress. I'm hoping I can fall asleep on only one Xanax tonight but I'm not gonna push it if it's not working. Anyway, I got up and got dressed, then pretty soon after headed out to brunch to meet my cousin with my brother. This is the cousin who's baby shower I was at two weeks ago and she's due in mid-July, so by the next time I'm in NY she'll have had the baby. I'm so excited to be an unofficial aunt!! Lol. I'm hoping it's a girl, so I can buy a ton of adorable little girl clothes, because they're so adorable they just make me melt. And if not I can always just give them to my other friend who is having a girl a week or so afterwards, so that works lol. We were going to this place's new location that I'd been to their old one of, but it's. Even some time. I ended up getting a Belgian waffle with berries, and it was okay, not as good as I was expecting but oh well. The conversation was good, we talked about the baby and upcoming delivery as well as just catching up on each other's lives and the latest adventures we've had, and of course some gossip from our former school lol which is always both interesting and rather ridiculous, so that's always enjoyable. But yeah, overall it was a pleasant meal. Drove back with my brother and discussed various legal things, which is what most of our conversations consist of because it's pretty much the only topic we can have a civil conversation about without it devolving into some sort of argument (sigh). I have been needling him lately just because I can get away with it by like when someone would say something related to men and women but fairly benign I'd just like sigh and be like "ugh, the patriarchy" or "thanks patriarchy" (in the way one would say thanks Obama) and I know it always gets a rise out of him and I immediately have to tell him I'm kidding and just teasing him but he still is all peeved about it and it's so funny, it feels like finally getting a very small amount of payback for all the torture he gave me in our childhood (double sigh, but not getting into that now). By the time we got home we didn't have all that much time before we had to head to the grad party for our family friend's youngest son, so I worked on cleaning out my purse in an attempt to find my insurance card, which was unsuccessful much to my irritation. I'm hoping I'll find it when I get back to Chi tomorrow and I just like left it somewhere random, otherwise I have to order a new one which is a pain, and they always want to make a copy of it when I go to PT appointments so I know they wouldn't be pleased if I didn't have it. Sigh. My purse definitely needed to be cleaned out anyway though haha, it was collecting a lot of junk papers and dirt at the bottom. It's not too worn out, but I'm not sure how much more life it has in it. I can probably get it to last through August at least when I come back to New York. I tend not to do very much personal shopping when I'm in Chi just because I like doing those things with other people and usually just do them with my sister. I was anxious to get to the party because I wanted to see my friend, the older brother of the kid who graduated that I grew up with and did shows with, who I haven't seen since December when we saw jersey boys, and my parents tend to take forever to get places (much to my eternal irritation) so I went ahead with my younger brother and my younger sister, since we apparently needed multiple cars for people to leave at different times anyway. We arrived on time, but we're still some of the first people there besides a few family members. It was mostly family people arriving at first, most of whom we know because we've seen them at many many parties over the years. They always have a huge 4th of July party with all of the family in attendance because their oldest son's birthday is July 3rd and their dad's birthday is July 5th, so with the 4th already being a holiday it just makes sense to have a party, so I'm used to seeing these people every year. There were some children, a little boy that was 20 months old, and then two little girls, the older of which I had played with at the 4th of July party two years ago and ended up pushing her on the swing and talking to her for a good amount of time, because I love children of course lol. I knew she wouldn't remember though, she's 5 years old haha. And then her younger sister is about 2, and I don't think I've seen her before. So I was playing with them a bit and then assisting in getting their dog in the back because the older girl was absolutely petrified of her (she's about 20 pounds a giant ball of black and white fluff, but children aren't always rational) and then helped them set up a movie in the super intense home theatre they have (they're like giant movie buffs) so just like slowly winning the kids trust lol so I enjoyed that. We stayed at the party pretty much all night, mostly hanging with my friend and sister, but also talking to various people throughout it. The second oldest brother who is my age and I was good friends with for years when we were younger (until his younger brother started doing theatre with me and we became much closer) had his new girlfriend there, who by all accounts is his first girlfriend, so we spent a while talking to her and teasing him about various things. This is the boy I took to prom and have known literally my whole life, so I definitely get to tease him about this lol. She was really nice though and I like her a lot, so I'm happy for him. At one point in high school, like freshman year, I thought I might have romantic feelings for him, but it was a very fleeting thought and passed rather quickly. If I was interested, I would've made a move a long time ago lol so I'm just happy for him. His younger brother however is a more complicated story. I've kind of vacillated between considering him romantically or just platonically for a few years now. I think I'm romantically attracted to him but not sexually attracted to him? Like I think we could have a great romantic relationship and I'm attracted to that potential but I can't see us really having a sexual relationship. And I mean, he's one of my best friends and has been for years, we're really close and have done so much together and just really enjoy each other's company, so I think to some degree those type of romantic feelings are just a result of that. I have zero idea if he has any attraction to me, it's never a subject we've broached and honestly not one I've ever considered actually broaching with him. I figured if he decided to bring it up I'd probably be willing to give it a chance, but I'm not gonna just go for it when I'm not sure how I feel. Anyway, I'm getting off topic. I enjoyed talking to everyone though, even if I had to ignore a few comments that bugged me a bit for the sake of not starting fights at family events. There was a bit of a spat between my mother and my sister, starting over my sister's shirt that my mother didn't approve of, and then moving on to the subject of therapy. My mom was saying she doesn't want to do it because she doesn't think my sister needs it, and I was just like "well you're not in her mind so you can't really make that determination" and basically just ended up mediating the fight while also advocating for my sister. I've always, always encouraged parents to take their teenagers feelings seriously and not just blow them off as teenagers being overdramatic and hormonal. Teens aren't stupid, they have strongly developed feelings like any adult would and if they say they're struggling you need to listen to them and take them seriously. I know too many parents who didn't and it ended up really hurting their kid and their relationship with their kid because of it. By the end of it my mom wasn't fully convinced, she said we'll talk about it more, but I'm gonna keep on her about it by phone because I very strongly feel this is something that needs to happen. My mom was objecting that my sister doesn't open up to her and she needs to do that before she can open up to someone else, but I said I think the exact opposite is true, that if she gets comfortable opening up to someone else it's more likely that she will start opening up to my mother, and that did seem to make sense to her. So hopefully she's considering it. I'm not a psychologist, but I know my sister has anxiety issues and I've been saying that since she was like 8 and started doing poorly in school, and she often says she feels like she has issues controlling her anger and I feel like that definitely needs to be addressed. So hopefully that will work out. I think we ended up leaving around 9, and upon getting home I immediately grabbed my laptop and tuned in to the live recording of the DCTV podcasts marathon they've been doing all day that I was just then being able to listen to, and I spent the better part of two hours listening to that and commenting in the chat while also doing various other computer things. It's always my goal in the chat to say something that gets them to mention it on the actual recording, and I was successful twice tonight, both with very funny reactions, so I felt good about that. After that ended I got in the shower then went on my phone for a bit before writing this post, and now I'm gonna go to sleep because I have to wake up nice and early to get to the airport in the morning. Goodnight my lovelies. Sleep restfully.

[rueur]

Morning Pages No. 63

Wednesday 26th August - 11:57am

There’s three minutes left of the morning, and I consider that to be a victory! Also, just have to add that I’m weirdly excited that tomorrow is going to be my 23rd and a half birthday AND #64 in the morning pages, which is the square root of 8, and the answer to the equation 16 x 4 =. I’m not a maths-oriented person, so I forgot what a square root number is. It’s like the opposite of a prime number, but it’s mathematically gorgeous. Evan found us an exercise bike on Marketplace for $250! And it looks insanely nice. It’s in a superb condition, it’s exactly what we were looking for, and it’s WELL within our price range. What a freaking steal, and I also just have to add: what immensely good karma. I feel like we’re deserving of this, and it also definitely feels like such a positive sign that this was a great idea on our part. I’m feeling infinitely more keen to get rid of the futon and streamline the room we’re both currently in into being a lot more health-conscious and thus, a far better room suited to entertainment. The futon is also keeping me from doing Ringfit on a regular basis, so we’ll see once we get the bike how much easier it’ll be for me to work out at home and get myself to a more tolerable level of fit. 

I’m keen to play Breath of the Wild again today because it’s been a couple of days since we last played and Evan ordered another copy from [REDACTED] this morning, so we’ll just be waiting for that to arrive today. I also want to do a bit more work on the site, because my meeting with Julie will be a week from today and I need to get it to a level that I’ll be happy to present it at, even though I know Julie will want to make some adjustments. I feel like her main gripes will be with the colour scheme, which is perfectly fine with me. That should be more than easy to adjust. And the fonts...the fonts are doing my head in. I’m still not sure how to add extra font packs. And to also connect this Squarespace website up with cPanel and VentraIP, but again, that’s not a high priority issue. We’ll need to get the website to a place where we both feel it’s good enough to publish before we even think about moving it over to VentraIP. 

I’m always thinking about work. And because it’s lockdown, I’ve been thinking about when orders we’ve placed will be arriving. We’ve been ordering a fair amount of stuff, and I’m not sure if it’s out of boredom or necessity. Perhaps both? We want to break up the monotony of the day, but doing that with retail therapy seems a little reckless. We have the internet, gas, and electricity bills due and water is also most definitely on its way. And RENT, because it’s the end of the month. September 1st is going to be a Tuesday, so we’ll need to pay before my next payday, which is a touch depressing. But also I suppose it’ll be nice to know that I can retain 100% of the pay that I’ll be receiving next week! That is unless I make an online purchase. 

It’s 12:06pm. I like the idea that it takes me about ten minutes to write out a page of stream of consciousness, so three pages should take around a half an hour. That’s ideal, but usually what happens is I get distracted from this process by Evan or by the animals or just generally by things that I need to do (base biological urges), OR I forgot a word, like what just happened when I was typing out ‘base biological urges’ as a gentle code for having to take a dump. So graceless, always. That’s my style, eh?

Sarah wants to have another phone call at some point today, and I think it’s mostly to chat about the way the group has been heading. People have been leaving and apparently she received her first bit of negative feedback. I’d be curious to hear what it is. I’m curious to know why Nichole left. I know she wasn’t really keeping up with the days so I suppose it makes sense? But Amy’s also not overtly keeping up with the days, which is genuinely surprising to me. I feel like Amy would be all over some well-intentioned mindfulness challenges. Sam just sent me a message that contained a painful pun. We were joking about the ethereal science that is the healing properties of cats. So cat purrs can actually heal human beings because the vibration or the frequency of the vibration has been known to promote feelings of peace in human beings. It relaxes our minds and bodies and heals our cells. 

EDDIE DROPPED OFF OUR GAME! IT WAS SO GOOD TO SEE HIM and it was also just a real treat, man. He was sick last week so up until this lovely afternoon, I hadn’t seen him for like two weeks. So now Evan is playing the game AGAIN finally! Oh my fucking lord I have waited so long for him to pick up this game, he’s an idiot. And I am speaking all this out loud as I type because he’s in the room and he can hear me and I love terrorising him. AND HE DOESN’T GIVE A FLYING FUCK BECAUSE HE ON HIS PHONE THA DUMB. What a stupid smug grin. What a cute face. Aww.

He’s distracting me from this chore. No, this is all a part of my morning pages for today. You can’t say this isn’t properly a part of it, it’s STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS, fool. Do you know what stream of consciousness entails? It’s literally typing/writing as you think. So anything that I’m thinking, belongs in these pages. Get out of the room. I have to finish this first and you are distracting myself from my own mind, you dumb bass. Yes, I meant to type out ‘dumb bass’, because I want to imply that you are a mute fish. I am so distracted from this task, it is infuriating. Also, please be at least a little bit impressed by my touch-typing abilities. Aww. He just said he’s always impressed by everything I do. How sweet. Man, this is going to be so chaotic to read a year or so from now! All I need to remember, future self, is that Evan was in the same room as I in 847 flying high (but he was sober this morn), playing Breath of the Wild for the second time, standing up and leaning against the wall because Kelley Starrett says that we should consider sitting to be a cancer. And that for each hour of sitting you need to do however many minutes of physical activity. 

Fuck, I just remembered that I told the boy that I would make pancakes for breakfast this morning, and I haven’t done that yet. And also it isn’t the morning anymore. Whoops. I am so happy that I got to see Eddie today though. I’m also just glad that he’s okay, I was worried that he had the ‘rona. Can you put the switch on the TV? I want to see you play. That’s the whole point of getting both games. Give me a second. Okay, he grabbed the remote. This isn’t actually promoting mindfulness too much, because of all the activity around me. But look. I’ve maintained this practice pretty damn well for the past week. I’ve written around 2000 words each day for ten or so days straight now. That’s pretty neat. I’m happy with this. I also kind of hope that I can make time to take Lonzo out again today, hopefully well before 5:30pm, so I can talk to Sarah without feeling too fatigued.

I’m fighting the urge to end this third page here. I just want to go on with my day! And I don’t know how many epiphanies I’ll be having in these pages today. I mean, I wrote my last three pages so dang recently, this entry just feels quite arbitrary. But I suppose that’s my own fault. I shouldn’t have done yesterday’s pages at 10pm last night, that’s just basic. Morning pages 101: do them in the morning. Otherwise they’re not as fresh, and your next entries are going to be incredibly close together. I honestly just feel like Saturday has thrown me off so much. I can’t believe it’s Wednesday and I’m still trying to play catch-up because being at work on Saturday and typing out that day’s entry over hours and hours was just...bleh. I have no words other than ‘bleh’. I’m tapped out. 

The soundtrack for this game is actually so soothing. I don’t mind how minimalistic it is. In fact, the minimalistic soundscape kind of just enhances the game’s natural atmosphere and built environment! Evan just found a boomerang! Those are quite rare. Not a lizal boomerang, like an actual boomerang. I feel like I shouldn’t be watching him play or even listening or even in the same room as I finish these pages off. It seems like a major distraction. You found the Duelling Peaks stable! He’s trying to climb a shrine. Lord help me. Oooh. That must’ve been painful. Sorry, Link. Ma man a dumb bass. 

Ooh these pages have just completely gone to shit. But I’m still going to finish them. I’m at around 1600 words, well just over. That means that I have about 400 to go. I’m about or over 75% of the way through! Huzzah! Ew. I don’t even like saying that sarcastically. But it makes me think of ‘Dungeons and Dragons’, and I think I’d like to play that at least once. Maybe some time after lockdown ends I can go to a game with Malith. Gale does them, so that may be a great opportunity to hang out with that gang again. I also want to do pub trivia again! I can’t believe how many innocuous events and happenings this lockdown has had me missing. It’s absurd that there was ever a time where I had the opportunity to do all these activities whenever I liked, and I just never took them, or at the very least seldom took them. But if I’m going to be completely honest with myself, I still see myself being somewhat of a recluse even after lockdown ends. I will indulge in all the newfound freedom once we do find it again, as all Melbournians will, but I won’t be going crazy. I won’t be going out every weekend. If the world opens up again, then that will mean the responsibilities of the world will be opening up again too, which is a contributing factor to my wanting to stay home and be on my own. That, and there’s always Lonzo. I don’t want to leave HIM on his own, because he never wants that, and he never gets to have a say.

This shrine looks difficult. I want to be attentive, but it looks as though I have about 100 words left, which is nothing. I’ll need to start my website for uni soon, I haven’t even thought about that at all. I’d like to pen an online essay, that’s a new experience. And Wordpress should be easy enough to master. I mean, I’ve done it before, for one. Squarespace is just so clean, though! Definitely will be using this to start up BROKEN media. I’m looking forward to that. 

I’m on the fourth page now, but only at 1970 words. I feel like I’m cheating if I don’t at least get to 2000. I used a lot of paragraphs for this entry, because I mean I had a lot of distractions. 2003 words. I’m going to sign off here then. 2012. 2013. 2014. I need to stop. 2020!