never-not-ever

[never-not-ever]

So therapy was a lot. For the first time in a long time and yea when it started getting intense I was a little worried about how I’m starting work today and like fuck maybe I shouldn’t have brought this up today… Funny how my therapist also suggested last week meeting on a day I’m not working in case we ever have a tough session, I don’t have to immediately go to work. Ha. Ha. Today.

BUT I feel better now. It ended on a good note. I thought in the very beginning she was annoyed or mad at me 🙄 which made it 10x harder to open up and bring up something I’ve never said out loud in therapy. Subtly talked about it once or twice in my diary card years ago but yea. So there was that and also sort of tied into the current “relationship” with the guy I’m seeing.

I asked in the very beginning if we could meet earlier in the week in addition to Thursday and when she asked why I was overthinking her tone and words… long story short in the end of the session we agreed to meet twice a week for the next two weeks and then reconvene.

I wanted to meet twice because I’m brining this stuff up for the first time and there’s a lot to unpack AND it’s about the relationship. So there’s that transition/change and also the work thing as well.

Granted right now- zero anxiety about work. It’s kind of crazy when I think about it. The girl who was debating returning to S&S a couple months ago, who thought she needed to work with an old coworker/safe person who knows her past and would be understanding of all the nerves and anxiety the day I start, who thought I needed to return to S&S cause they would be more understanding if I started and then had to stop to go into the hospital… like what?!? NONE of that applies anymore.

I used to imagine this first day over and over again. And now other things are occupying my mind. I’m about to roll up my car window and walk into that store, need to pee so bad and then start my new little journey back at S&S 🤷🏼‍♀️. It is what it is. I’m in a short sleeve shirt. I may ask for a smaller size cause I’m kind of swimming in this one. I also realized I need to swap out of my flip flops. Whoops.

Okay. Time to get this over with and honestly that’s what it kind of feels like just a little checkmark to take off of today’s list of activities. Because I went to the gym for like a half hour earlier and I kinda wanna go back cause I feel like I didn’t get like a good full workout so that’s my plan as of right now to head straight to the gym after work so it’s like just another thing on my to do list. Fucking crazy how I’m not stressing out about it.

[never-not-ever]

Almost 4am and we’re almost done giving everything a good tidying up and lots of laundry. As much as I want to talk about it from excitement (also nerves) it is way too early and I know I’m going to jinx it like I have with all of the previous “ones” in the past.

Recent new stuff and I swear this WILL be short bullets- you do not have to write paragraphs Debra!! Nothing wrong with that but I need to go finish cleaning!

-I helped my cousin move yesterday, it was a lot and I had a little breakdown when I was rocking my nephew to sleep but I didn’t spiral, it really wasn’t that serious lol but haven’t cried of experienced those emotions in a while!

-I went to my friend’s pool at their apartment today (the 3 gay guys lol) and wore a bikini for the first time ever and proceeded to flash everyone (by accident!!) ughh my friend alerted me from across the pool and I honestly have no idea how many people saw, mostly old people were there but still…

-I’m supposed to start working again at Stop & Shop this Thursday, granted I can finish the background test, I think I need my social security card which I can’t find, but I’m hoping maybe I can use another form of ID.. I’ll find out tomorrow..

-Speaking of.. I’m going to get no sleep and I need to wake up around 7ish to get ready to meet a guy for coffee… I actually like my hair in a messy bun the day after I straightened it but I also love when it’s long and straight so I’m debating which style to do…

-I’m getting so tan, literally sitting in the sun at every chance I get!

-My ex came over the other day to finally get two last things, such bullshit, I could write an ESSAY on this piece but I’m not wasting my time on her, she is now officially actually in my past!

And I am loving my future, or well the possibility of it and more importantly loving the now.

Lmao I just realized those aren’t my sunglasses.. I must have picked up my friends lol. Shit I hope I brought the right ones home. Speaking of… I lost my actual glasses and now I’m wearing an old pair that are supposedly the same prescription but it feels off…

[never-not-ever]

How are you?

I’m actually doing really good!! Which is crazy but yea!! Don’t know why I stumbled into the Tumblrverse at 3:38am lol. I need to catch up on a lot of people’s posts.. I hope you’re doing well!!

[never-not-ever]

You look so similar to Kylie Kelce

I didn’t know who that was and I just googled her… she’s so pretty.. I do not see the resemblance but thank you 😭

[never-not-ever]

We went from massive essays on here to shitposting in my IG stories 😅...

But little update? I should probably see what I last yapped about on here... ah yes.. the crashout at the airport/on the plane... el oh el..

So I had a blast at my friends place in NC. She bleached and dyed my hair. It was a whole 24 hour process, cause we started Friday evening and then spent the next morning trying to fix it lol. Here's a little before and after. Oddly don't have many selfies so these screenshots from my yapping stories will do- hence the weird facial expressions lol.

The pictures kinda don't do it justice and the "supposed to be pink" lol is fading which is fine by me! I didn't really have any idea of what I wanted, just that I wanted a change and to be lighter so that's what we got!

Hair lighter and skin darker... started in NC poolside and now I'm taking full advantage on my Aunt and Uncle's deck whenever the sun comes out in between thunderstorms. We're making progress with the tanning and I'm happy!

I started applying this scar cream a couple times a day to help with the appearance on my left arm. The tanning is somewhat making them more noticeable but honestly I don't really care but guess I do care enough to want to make them slightly less prominent.

So I drove up to WV on Sunday afternoon. Took about 6 hours and I had a tiny VW Jetta as a rental. I was blasting my feel good music and had the sunroof down (more tanning opportunity!) when it wasn't raining- I was on the highway when I got a flash flood alert and the storm was pretty bad! One of the exits had flooded out and cars were at a standstill. I took out zero insurance on the rental cause that's just the kinda person I am and I was so scared I was going to get stuck in flood waters. I saw it on the news the week before in Boston, cars stuck on one of the major highways in the city. All was fine though and I made it up here, obviously lol.

Anywho, it's been pretty chill and lowkey here in WV and it's what I was expecting honestly. They're technically my "Great" Aunt and Uncle but I hardly ever say "Great", too many words. So they're a bit older and my Aunt got sick the other day so she's been in and out of bed not feeling well. She felt bad and was apologizing and I was like "Auntie please! I'm completely fine hanging around the house, don't worry about me"... I've taken their car out to get groceries and go to Starbucks, been loving the sun on the deck, took a walk around the neighborhood earlier in the week. I'm perfectly content with how things are. They've been in WV for over a decade now and at first we'd always go out and see all the landmarks and attractions nearby but the last couple trips things are just lowkey, watching tv, shopping, lounging around.. I'm good with this.

I restarted Wednesday at my friends house so I'm trying to finish the first season to catch up before season three comes out next week. Me and my Uncle started a show called Paradise on Hulu and it's really good! When my Aunt comes down and hangs with us in the living room we'll watch something together even though all of us are playing games on our iPads it's kind of funny lol. I was in a race to finish some coloring collection on an app on my iPad with my cousin. She won, I'm almost done with "Z" lol.

(highly recommend this coloring app, it's called Happy Color, even though my cousin joked that it should be Mad Color cause there's times where you have to find the tiniest little sliver to color and she got mad lol)

So on the dating/guy update... sooooooooo that guy from my last post... he snapped me 2 nights ago when he was drunk... ughhh. Drunk words are sober thoughts I guess. We talked on the phone for like 2 hours, it was nice. He kept saying "sober C is going to be so mad at drunk C for this" he kept apologizing and felt bad for reaching out cause we agreed we'd stop talking so neither of us got too attached and hurt if Boston didn't happen. It was nice talking to him, I missed his voice and his face. He was telling me more about pilot life and it's pretty neat. He wanted to send me a flying post from his instagram but it's private so we're now friends on there... I was like "oh god, now you're going to see all my cringey stories"...

I usually post way too much on there, I can be annoying, and I yap a lot lol. Sometimes I conceitedly rewatch them and I'm like this is pretty entertaining just cause I'm all over the place and a total nut at times... To get back to him- so the next morning we agreed to keep things the way they were. I joked when I'm back in Boston I'll drunkenly snap him next. Honestly that night I was a tad worried about it all starting up again (the feelings and such) but the next morning went a lot better than the previous week lol. We're still on the same page about checking in in August about his bid for Boston..ugh this happened on the phone that night

Me: on your days off you can fly to Boston and stay with me! C: that’s if you don’t find Mr. Right by then.. Me: maybe I already did.. C: you wouldn’t be on the phone with me if that was the case. Me: I was talking about you.. C: 🙄🤦🏻 (but then turned into) 😏

He said that was smooth and I kind of meant it. He said how he thought of me every day and missed me. Ugh x10. As much as I like him I can't just hold out while not talking to him as well. Plus even if Boston did happen it wouldn't be until November.. and this may sound pathetic and needy/clingy but I want a special someone in my life now.

So... I started talking to other guys online. My friend in NC and cousin aren't too pleased and they think I should date around like normal but of course I get sucked in too hard and too fast. I don't know. I'm not too worried about this new guy. I can't (and won't, TMI) explain it properly but he's just so... respectful... we're taking things like extremely slow but he lives in the city and we're planning to meet up when I get home next week.

*weight and numbers talk below*

Body stuff/food stuff- all that jazz... so before I left (last Friday) I was already down to eating intuitively, more so what I actually wanted and also not weighing myself everyday. That being said I did weigh myself that morning and ugh it was in- how do I phrase it, like the tenths? like 340, 280, 150... the 40, 80, 50 part... So it was up like two numbers in just two fucking weeks-of course I finally hit my goal weight, for the first time in my life a normal BMI-granted at the very high end of it... ugh I probably shouldn't be doing this. Like looking back and calculating and seeing the weeks in between and the actual numbers. Like I thought I didn't snap a picture of the scale last Friday and was thinking it was a different number, but I looked back in my camera roll and I guess I did- a pound less than I thought but still it was up in that next tenth of a bracket. BUT it honestly didn't bother me as much as it might seem like it is now lol. Like it ended in XX1 and the two bracket difference from the two weeks prior was XX9 so honestly it's just like a 12lb difference which isn't that bad. Okay I should probably stop this trainwreck soon cause this is getting a tad bit obsessive...

I will say that I'm excited to start going back to the gym and for the same reasons as before I left. Just an hour on the machines, not caring about calories burned- cause tbh I don't even look at that. Just more so I like getting my HR in cardio cause it feels like a better workout. Body wise I feel so bloated and I'm worried I've gained so much weight. Tank tops are a tad more snug and it makes me self conscious and uncomfortable. Actually the funny part is that yea, in the moment I feel like I look so different but I'll look in the mirror after eating, expecting to see myself like 50lbs heavier and I'm like just like "oh. I still look the same I guess". Body dysmorphia is a funny thing.

So all that being said I kind of want to create a lowkey meal plan or just meal ideas. Not getting super obsessed and weighing and measuring out every. single. little. thing like before but just eating a tad bit healthier and more balanced meals and of course still letting myself get McDonalds fries if I drive by and crave them because damn it, food isn't good or bad!

Okay. I think that's all. Funny I thought this would be a short little bulleted list but.... 🙃.

Gonna go make oatmeal, pecan, chocolate chip cookies and then take a walk around the neighborhood if it doesn't rain again!

***********

Also so random but I just put shit in my tags and it reminded me... an old coworker from my previous job was watching my stories yesterday and I was just like 👀. We were pretty close at one point, but I haven't seen her or talked to her in so long. I was expecting a follow or a message, but she just watched a few stories and that was that. oh well. Okay, cookie time.

[never-not-ever]

On the drive to my friends house in NC I had my music blasting in the car, sipping my Starbucks, eating my buttery croissant and exchanged some final messages with the pilot guy..

I’m going to reach out to him in a month and see what happened with his base swap, see if there’s a chance he might be in Boston this fall. We both agreed it’s not worth the risk to keep talking right now though.

It’s about 9am and I’m up for the day. Tossed and turned for an hour or so but now I’m up and my friend just woke up but hasn’t come out to the living room yet. So it’s like this is the first time I’m alone and it’s all settling in about the guy…

I redownloaded Hinge last night and unpaused my account so we’ll see what happens. I told the guy “who knows what’s going to happen in a month, I may be single, I may just fuck around, who knows”. I really don’t want to wait around for the hope that he may get Boston in November. Cause even if that’s the case it’s like well then that’s 3 months after he finds out.. ughh too much overthinking.

No thinking. Just dating.

That’s actually what my therapist and I talked about two days ago. How dating guys and not just focusing on the one, would be beneficial. I’ve never dated really and never experienced rejection after talking to someone and I know it’s normal but I’m also worried about that. So that’s my plan. Go back to a dating app.

Well she just woke up. We’re probably gonna get some coffee, fix my hair (we bleached it last night and it needs more fixing lol), maybe sit by the pool again, meet up with one of her friends for dinner.

I keep having little thoughts of the guy and it makes me a little sad but honestly it’s not completely goodbye.

“I truly do wish you the best, and if you ever need someone to talk to you have my number. Take care of yourself and I’ll talk to you in a month.”

[never-not-ever]

I keep going back and forth between getting emotional and not wanting to “say goodbye” and end this and then thinking okay, I can go back to dating sites, I can find someone here in Boston that I can be with physically, I still feel good and confident in my appearance, I think I can maybe find someone…

Like that’s what happened yesterday. He found out around 5, told me, I obviously started crying (we were texting at the time) and he was upset by this news cause at the end of the day it’s affecting him, it’s his life, he even said “I feel like my whole life just got flipped upside down”.

So I got out of the little funk, put on music, danced around my room, started packing and felt better.

Then we chatted later that night. Both bringing up good points. Like yea we could keep talking and see if in 4 weeks his “swap” gets approved for Bos but even if it did he wouldn’t be up here til November. He said something about when he got into this career he swore he would never ask or expect anyone to be waiting around for him to come back and that’s why his previous relationship ended. He also said he’d never forgive himself if we got closer and closer and then he never got to Boston.

I keep reminding myself you’ve only been talking for ELEVEN days… get ahold of yourself.

Not me sitting in the airport with tears in my eyes cause I just sent a message to the guy I’ve been talking to (a pilot) about us not moving forward because he found out last night he’s being sent to Pit and not Bos and I know if we kept innocently chatting away I’d fall for him (even more). Like girl it’s been 11 days, calm the fuck down.

But I really liked him.

[never-not-ever]

Not me sitting in the airport with tears in my eyes cause I just sent a message to the guy I’ve been talking to (a pilot) about us not moving forward because he found out last night he’s being sent to Pit and not Bos and I know if we kept innocently chatting away I’d fall for him (even more). Like girl it’s been 11 days, calm the fuck down.

But I really liked him.

[never-not-ever]

I really hope it works out and even if it works out there’s still so much time to see if it works out til then and even when then comes it’s like will it continue to work out?

[never-not-ever]

[never-not-ever]

Life is pretty fucking good at the moment.

I've seen my friend group a couple times in the past month and I'm heading to a pool party later today for one of their birthdays.

I started taking one of the boys-Benny, outside and he absolutely loves it. He's currently crying at the back door cause he wants to go back out! It's become a little routine when I come back from the gym we go outside and I take my coffee with me, today I took my breakfast.

I've been meaning (actually have a couple drafts I think) to talk about how different things are with the food and the weight loss and the obsessions... On Tuesday I forgot to step on the scale in the morning. You know life is more meaningful when that happens and you don't freak out. You just shrug your shoulders and move on. Every single day since mid-December I've stepped on that damn scale, even brought it with me overnight when I went to the Cape. I was going to bring it on my trip coming up but there's better things in my life now than obsessing over the number on the scale and letting that affect my mood for the day.

Last night I made cinnamon toast with cream cheese, took a bite and did a happy dance cause it was so damn good! In fact I might go make a slice after this. It feels so good to be able to eat and enjoy food again. I'm not weighing out and measuring every little thing. At one point I bought a second food scale to leave at my cousins cause I was using it whenever I was there. I haven't used either of them in weeks.

Things are getting a little rocky with my cousin. It makes sense, cause I've been spending so much time with her so eventually we're gonna get on each others nerves. I love her and care about her so much but I need to create better boundaries (not oversharing too much) for my own wellbeing.

I just realized I made an updatey post yesterday. I was about to get into the nitty gritty with this new guy I'm talking to and my cousins opinion but I just realized I already talked about it lol.

Next topic: I'm leaving on Friday and I'm SO excited. I'm flying down to NC, renting a car for the weekend and staying with a friend. She's part of the friend group I've been seeing lately and she moved down there for school a couple years ago. We Facetimed last night and I'm so excited to go see her and have my own adventure! On Sunday I'm driving up to WV to stay with my Aunt and Uncle for a little over a week. I haven't been there in 2 years! I usually use it as a reset but it's funny cause this is probably the first time in a long time that I'm going down there and not needing a reset because mentally I'm in a better place than I have been in years.

When I get back I'm applying to Whole Foods and Trader Joe's. I'm hoping to start asap cause I'm ready to start this new chapter which to be honest I kind of already started....

I feel so fucking good. I end the night (usually after talking to him, although it was brief last night cause he had to fly out early this morning) in such a good mood. Dancing around to my current favs which I'll get to lol. But yea last night was a maybe 4 min Facetime just to say goodnight compared to the 3 hours the nights before lmao. But after that I talked to my cousin, tried to figure out Snapchat, typed up a long ass post on here that just went in my drafts lol, cooked some breakfast (yes at 11pm) put half of it away for this morning-t'was delicious after the gym, and then started watching 50 Shades, oh and made a Tik Tok lol. So even doing my own thing at night, I still went to bed in a great mood so I'm not really worried about the whole "don't put all your happiness into talking to a guy" cause I'm not. My life has many little joys now, he's one of them but there's so much more to it, so much to look forward to.

Lastly- current favs for music: I've been listening to a lot of old Kesha (C'Mon, Blow, Sleazy, Blah Blah Blah, Your Love Is My Drug) mixed with some Sabrina Carpenter (Manchild, Busy Woman, Taste, Espresso) and then these random songs are my on-repeat -obsessed: Sports Car, Sue me, One Thing, Diet Pepsi.

Okay, I'm off to make some iced coffee and toast and then get started on some housework before I need to start getting ready to go out later, also wanna finish the movie but we'll see if I have time.

[never-not-ever]

[never-not-ever]

Charlotte Eriksson, “Everything Changed When I Forgave Myself”

[never-not-ever]

every single fucking thing on earth exists solely to put a dent in your newly applied nail polish

[never-not-ever]

— Donte Collins

[never-not-ever]

I've been so busy it's crazy. Like it feels so weird to have today to myself and just lay around although I have things I need to do around my house.

This morning was the 4th morning that I went to the gym. I don't know what possessed me to go that first day cause I've always been a late night gym person but ever since I've been hooked. It makes me feel good about myself and puts me in a good mood for the day. It probably helps that I wake up in a good mood after talking to the guy the night before so I want to keep the good mood happening.

I ran a few errands after the gym, including some groceries. The BBQ "steak" salad is still a fixation. This guy is a meat eater and honestly if all goes well and we end up together I may go back to eating meat just cause of the simplicity of a relationship. I don't want to offend anyone and get into the nitty gritty of why I'm a vegetarian but it's more so being a picky meat eater..

Okay this post is NOT about the guy lmao so I need to talk about other shit lmao.

I finally went to the dentist on Thursday. Honestly the day before I was beating myself up a lot, more so just depressed about it I guess. But then that night and the next morning I was in a completely different mindset. I finally feel so confident in my appearance (most of it) and mentally I'm the most stable I've been in years. I wasn't going to let my teeth derail me. I made an appointment and yes I need to have a shitload of work done and if I think about it too much it starts to overwhelm me but I have an appointment scheduled for a couple days after I get back from my trip so I'm fixing the problem, I'm doing something about it.

I've met with the SW for the IOP program three times now and we're not meeting next week cause he's on vacation ironically he's on vacation for nearly the same amount of time as me. It's a slow process and honestly I keep second guessing this program.

Fuck I just got so tired all of a sudden. I think I may take a nap. I'll post more later. I'm possibly going in town to a club with my friend. He's at a pool party right now so he said he'd keep me updated on how late he's there/how he's feeling. I want to get drunk and dance. Not as drunk as I did last weekend but I want to have some fun. I need to have other things in my life that make me happy besides the guy 🙃

[never-not-ever]

I wonder how many people talked about their "something good" too early on and it didn't last and they felt silly for ever talking about it in the first place...

But then I wonder how many times the "something good" turned out to be "something amazing" and that they didn't even know how good things were about to get...

So the guy I hooked up with.. his loss. And I'm SO fucking glad it turned out that way. Honestly I'm glad we hooked up, it was a nice start to get back into things, feel attractive and wanted- it felt good. But the texting slowed down drastically and he did text me two days ago but I never replied and probably never will cause I'm sure he gets the hint. Even though I did make it apparent that I was interested in continuing things and even though he said he was too, his actions or lack thereof proved otherwise.

So that being said... I've been talking to this new guy since Monday. I just typed "kid" instead of "guy" and cringed because, ughhh he's younger than me. It's funny cause he teases me about it and I always dramatically groan. But he's taller than me and he looks my age so I can deal with the age difference. When we're FaceTiming I don't feel that old, it's okay, I can deal with it lol.

The last two nights we FaceTimed for like 3 hours and it's been so nice. I keep teasing him that I've been getting my way from the start cause yesterday he said he was going to go to bed at "normal people hours" and then we ended up talking til like almost 3am again.

He's moving to Boston in August for work after his 6 weeks of training that start this week. I caught myself a little while ago getting that dreadful what if this doesn't work out, I don't want to lose something good feeling that I know all too well and have associated that with not wanting to get better because I'd rather not have than to have and lose...

But I need to slow the fuck down and reign it in. It's not even been a week, Jesus Christ. My overthinking and insecurities keep popping up and I need to shut them the fuck up before I scare this guy away. He knows about my past and my current insecurities with my body and he's still here so that's a plus. But I do not want to be the needy always-need-reassurance type of girl. He's younger but so mature cause he had said that he's not into mindgames, he'll be honest and tell me how he feels. So let's just hope that continues.

Last night we quizzed each other on proper pronunciations of places and words. He laughs and makes fun of my Boston accent and I joke about his Southern one even though his state is not considered Southern in my book but it's strong and his voice is hot. Anyways... I was telling him about Boston, hopefully not scaring him but also said I'd make him a guidebook which I was mostly kidding about.

I really need to be careful hanging around my cousin though cause I don't want her insecurities, trust issues and paranoia rubbing off and ruining this for me. Already she's had her opinions on things like "hmm that seems like a red flag, he could be "just" saying that and not mean it". Like I'm not naive, we literally just met and we don't even live in the same state, who the fuck knows what's truthful and real. But the more we talk the more I get a feeling of him and I can tell he's being honest but also it's so fucking lowkey right now that it's not like there's much to lie about?? Okay ending the overthinking but that's my little romance update. Next up the other stuff.