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Breaking news! Today is in fact December 5th!

It’s not September. Oops.

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I think I’m coming out of the mood episode

And yeah the embarrassment is hitting hard already

Why am I embarrassed every time I have a manic or mixed episode?

Depressive episodes don’t make me feel this. It’s only when mania symptoms are involved

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I’m on abilify. I really hope it works. I want to be on an injectable. I really do because I’m exhausted. It’s a constant battle. And I’m tired

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I do find it funny when people think locks are some absolute secure thing. They’re not. Any lock can be bypassed. And I mean any. And let’s say the lock is super high end and takes a lot of skill to get through. There are other vulnerabilities. There’s always a way through. It’s how much effort the person is willing to put in to get through

Also paranoia gives you really odd interests, I learned all this purely for escape purposes and then it just became fascinating

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Oh. Oh he split. It was just John but now there’s two and idk who’s who

I am confusion. And they’re blended together right now. Maybe they’ve always been split? But I don’t think so

Why is this so hard

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I’m exhausted. Beyond exhausted at this point really. I’ve been forcing myself forward for over a month and it’s been a rough time. Like get to my oh shit level of crisis more times in a week that makes me go uh this is really bad. I have goals(?) technically. Like there’s things I “want” to accomplish but really I just don’t give a single fuck if I do. Sure I could do those things but really what’s the point? I know that’s one of my warning signs. And yet again I’m just waving as I pass by the neon “panic now! get help now!” signs. I just can’t bring myself to care.

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Me: well I used to be high functioning

Them: really? Were you actually? Were you high functioning or were you high masking?

Me: wait…

Me: but I…

Me:

Me: *sigh* high masking

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What’s funny is one of the few things I remember from my college economics classes was that economists can’t agree on anything

They literally have so many responses to the same topic that agreeing just not something that happens

Except tariffs.

Because they know tariffs are bad.

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Tell your kids things

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Today in therapy I learned the term double bookkeeping and everything makes much more sense now

“Double bookkeeping is a term introduced by Eugen Bleuler to describe a fundamental feature of schizophrenia where psychotic reality can exist side by side with shared reality even when these realities seem mutually exclusive.”

This is why I can know I’m schizophrenic and still believe my delusions. My psychosis is its own separate reality where everything is possible. Logic doesn’t apply there, I’m unreal, my reality is unreal so unreal things can happen. I know it’s physiologically impossible and implausible, I know it’s a symptom of psychosis and not an experience I share with most of the world, but it’s still real to me

Do any other schizospec folk experience this?

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Am I in crisis? Uh very strong possibility.

Do I care that I’m probably in crisis?

No.

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You know what’s fucked up, the fact that a big part of the sexual harassment event that really messed with me mentally is that it came from a stranger not a family member.

Yeah.

That’s… bad.

I am more thrown off by a stranger making sexual comments to me than someone…

I don’t. I just. What. The. Fuck.

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If I just… do it. Why shouldn’t I? What’s the fucking point? Life is shit. The world is shit. What’s one less waste of space? I’m a failure. Everything I do ends in failure. It’s my fault. I fuck thing a up everywhere I go. If I stop existing then I can’t fuck things up. If I just… stop. Wouldn’t that be better?

I had therapy today. It helped. Some. I see my psychiatrist tuesday. I don’t know if I’ll be going home from that appointment. If things don’t improve by then, I might be going to a grippy sock stay

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Um so I talked with a few others about this situation and what the guy said to me. Yeah he was being creepy and sexual. He was sharing inappropriate things about himself that shouldn’t have been shared. Specifically his sex life. I will completely avoid this person because it was definitively predatory behavior

A friend is helping me look into self defense classes, ones for disability and trauma. Because yeah… that was bad

bruh. the ableism today was real. neighbor i had never talked to came up to me as i was getting to my vehicle and asked why i use a cane. i gave a generic oh for balance answer. because its none of his business. then he went on and on. asked if i had a boyfriend to carry everything for me. i said i didn't. he asked why. bruh. why the invasive questions? i said i had other priorities. he didnt seem satisfied with that answer but i didn't explain. i finally escaped by saying i'd be late for an appointment (not an exaggeration) and turned away. he hesitated before walking away.

also he said he's 82 years old. bruh. he's been around long enough to know better. but he acted like he was entitled to my life. i am definitely going to avoid him. because that was so not ok.

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Obi-Wan, in his Mandalorian disguise, runs into Tor Vizsla, defeats him, accidentally not accidentally kills him a little, and runs with the Darksaber, Death Watch hot on his heels. When he’s managed to lose the pursuit, he comms Jango (I don’t know how, a galactic phonebook?).

Obi-Wan: Fight me.

Jango: What.

Obi-Wan: Fight me. I’ll pay you.

Jango: … Why.

Obi-Wan: I need you to take the Darksaber off of my hands and get the Death Watch off of my tail.

Jango: …

Jango: What happened to Vizsla?

Obi-Wan: I might have accidentally killed him. A little bit. Um.

Jango: Okay. Sure. Whatever.

Later:

Obi-Wan’s Mandalorian alias: Dies heroically in single combat against Jango Fett.

Jango, to Death Watch: Anyone else? No? Now can we sort out this mess or what?

Obi-Wan: I have politically informed suggestions! With footnotes and economic analyses! Uh, if you want them I guess?

Jango, sighing: Why the hell not.

Even later:

Obi-Wan, sighing dreamily at Jango: He’s so much handsomer than Satine! And his arguments are better! And his solutions are realistic!! Too bad he’s never going to ask me to stay.

Jango, having a politics-related headache: Obi-Wan! You got me into this kriffing mess! You’re not going anywhere before you’ve helped me fix it, or so help me Stars.

Much, much later:

Jango, angrily: Obi-Wan! This is your mess, you sort it out!

Obi-Wan: Darling, this mess started way after you became the Mand’alor. Technically, it’s your mess.

Jango, sulkily: … I don’t care. As long as I have political messes for you to sort out, you’re going to stay.

Obi-Wan: I do love your messes.

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bruh. the ableism today was real. neighbor i had never talked to came up to me as i was getting to my vehicle and asked why i use a cane. i gave a generic oh for balance answer. because its none of his business. then he went on and on. asked if i had a boyfriend to carry everything for me. i said i didn't. he asked why. bruh. why the invasive questions? i said i had other priorities. he didnt seem satisfied with that answer but i didn't explain. i finally escaped by saying i'd be late for an appointment (not an exaggeration) and turned away. he hesitated before walking away.

also he said he's 82 years old. bruh. he's been around long enough to know better. but he acted like he was entitled to my life. i am definitely going to avoid him. because that was so not ok.

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