#when adhd IS a disability to you. a life ruining one.

[germx]

this disability pride month can we talk about how adhd isnt “has interests” disorder or “omg so random” disorder. can we talk about how severe adhd can be a debilitating disorder that affects your mental health, your work life, your school life, and your personal life. how adhd can make it impossible to do things you need to be able to do to be independent like drive, hold a job, go to school, etc. how its not just a “neurotype” but actually a life ruining disorder.

[foone]

I see a lot of people joking about the adhd thing of "I have a appointment/phone call at 3pm, guess I won't do anything all day!"

But no one seems to make the connection that it's a time blindness thing. One of the symptoms of ADHD is not having a good and accurate sense of time. And not doing stuff prior to an event with a hard deadline is an obvious coping mechanism for that.

Can I go to the store? It's 10am and the appointment is at 3pm. How long does going to the store take? An hour? Three hours? Five hours? I DON'T KNOW!

I get anxious trying to do things before appointments because I'm aware that I don't know how long those things take, and that if I think I do, I may be very wrong. Too often I've been like "hey I can walk to the corner store and grab a drink, that'll take like 15 minutes!" and then an hour later I get back and whoops my rice has burnt.

Plus there's also the fact that ADHD people know that motivation and focus is a two-edged sword.

Like, let's say you decide to play a video game. You've got time, you can pause/save whenever, so this should be a perfect fit to make good use of your waiting-time. So you start playing and WHOOPS you get really focused for some reason today (because people with ADHD do not get to pick when their brain decides to focus) and the next time you look at the clock it's 2:49 and you haven't showered or dressed and the appointment is 30 minutes away. Fuck. (you could have set an alarm, but now you're asking people with the forgetting-things-and-time-ignoring condition to remember it set alarms)

And with motivation, it can be almost worse. Instead of playing a game, you so something useful or creative. You clean your room or fix your plumbing or write a story or draw a picture. And suddenly it's great. Your brain is firing on all cylinders. You've got all the motivation you can ask for, and you are FLYING. the ideas are brilliant, your hands are nimble, you're getting stuff done you've been putting off for weeks or months. And then the alarm goes off. Time to go to your appointment. Fuck.

You drive there, your brain still full of ideas and plans. But by the time you get back, the motivation is gone. You may still have the ideas but you don't have the drive to write them down. You can't force yourself to do it. Your sink is still in pieces. Your room is half-cleaned, and you have to shove all the sorted clothes into one big bin just so you have somewhere to sleep. You've left things half finished again, in a cycle that has been repeating your whole fucking life. It seems sometimes that nothing ever gets finished.

So next time you don't even start. There's not time. You've been burnt too many times. Why add another half-completed project to your pile of shame?

My point is that people seem to be going "lol I can't do anything all day if I have an appointment at 3pm" like this is a quirky "oh I'm so scatterbrained!" weirdness they alone have, and not a major complication of a disabling mental illness.

(and that's not even getting into the secondary effects. If you know that having an appointment ruins your whole damn day, you're going to avoid them. Even when it's things like "going to that party" or "meeting your friends for a drink/game" or "going to a movie with that cute girl from your math class". Things you should enjoy. Things that'd help you be social. Things that make you feel human.)

[gay-disabled-characters-showdown]

LGBTQ+ Disabled Characters Showdown Round 4, Wave 1, Poll 8

A character being totally canon LGBTQ+ and disabled was not required to be in this competition. Please check qualifications and propaganda before asking why a character is included.

Check out the other polls in this wave and round here.

Luz Noceda-The Owl House

Qualifications:

Canonically bisexual and shown in the show, never stated in the show but is also ADHD

She is bisexual and has ADHD.

Bisexual (canon) and neurodivergent (heavily coded)

bisexual adhd queen

Very cool character that shows children that it's okay to be disabled and in the LGBTQ community

Propaganda:

Has been through many of the troubles that I as an ADHD person have also been through, mainly regarding school. (Shown mainly in season 3)

She’s got a girlfriend, which is groundbreaking representation for a Disney cartoon (especially considering how she’s the main character). She’s also really determined and kind, having amassed a massive found family by the end of the show. Her ADHD causes her a number of problems throughout her journey, but it also makes her who she is.

I adore her and she had done nothing wrong in her life ever

SHES THE BEST EVER

People want to screw her for some reason so uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah

Anything Else?:

Canon girlfriend she has a canon girlfriend. And has crushed on both she/hers and he/hims (Submitter 1)

Enchanted Grom Fight was absolute bangers (Submitter 5)

Frodo Baggins-The Lord of the Rings

Qualifications:

Frodo & Sam are very homoerotic. As JRRT knew and loved several openly gay authors, one of his closest friends was suspected of being gay, and with other historical events of the time, you can’t convince me it wasn’t at least a little bit subconsciously on purpose. Frodo, of course, has ptsd and probably some form of chronic illness due to the lingering effects of his nazgul wound.

Propaganda:

Frodo carried the weight of the world on his shoulders and was forever changed by it. The literal devil’s soul was constantly around his neck, always tempting him, growing stronger by the minute, twisting him and torturing him mentally. He didn’t know how his journey would end when he offered to take on the burden of destroying the most evil object in the world, but he chose to do it anyway. And he was forever ruined by it - so much that he never truly came home, not really. And once he was home, life was so thoroughly ruined for him that he could not stay. There is one other known account of this happening - Arwen’s mother, who was captured and tortured for years by orcs, and while her body was healed, her mind could not be, and she, too, sailed away. Do you understand that? Frodo’s journey was on the same level as *being captured and tortured for years on end.* He is probably the gayest non-canon confirmed character I have ever come across, queer-coded through and through, and his ptsd was enough that he could not come home, and had to sail to paradise to find peace. He deserves everything.

[thatcannibalkitty]

hi tumblr!

i genuinely feel really embarrased to be doing this, but i could use some help.

short version:

i’m in a bad situation at home, and need to save up money to move out. i’m 18 in september, but i have almost nothing in savings since i haven’t been able to get a job. anything helps. 🫶🏻

long version:

i have been abused my whole life. because of this, i have several mental and physical illnesses which disable me, and make it hard for me to live. i still live with the people who did this to me, and i need to not anymore. i’m unable to get a job, for several reasons. my disabilities, and also accessibility. i have many young siblings, and our schedule mostly revolves around them. there isn’t much time in the schedule for my mom to take me to work, and i haven’t been able to get my license yet. i have a permit, but i haven’t been able to get the hours in since my parents are always busy. my mom works a lot. my parents are separated, and we spend the week at my mom’s, the weekend at my dad’s. since i’m only at his place for two days, i don’t get much time to get things like driving done. so, my parents can’t take me to work, and i can’t drive myself yet. i don’t have any family or friends who are able to either.

i want to start my life, to get away from it all and begin to heal. not only am i still going through abuse, my mothers house is becoming a safety risk. we have lived there for six years, and it hasn’t been taken care of at all. it’s become moldy, very dirty, and it is falling apart. there are holes in the walls, both from violence and from unfinished projects of my fathers doing. we have two dogs, who have ruined our flooring, and contributed to the house being very dirty. they are large, feisty dogs with a past bad history, which leaves them very traumatized and they “behave poorly” (i don’t think of dogs as bad, just neglected and mistreated :((( ) it’s very hard for me to take the responsibility of the dogs, since i have a lot of physical and mental limits. but i am forced to take care of them because no one else will / can.

i have also been homeschooled my entire life, but that has been more like unschooled. when i was younger, my parents did not know that i had adhd or autism, and so they didn’t understand why school was hard for me at times. i excelled in english, history, and science, but totally fell flat in math. by the time i was in fourth grade (2016), i had a college reading level, but couldn’t do simple multiplication. this frustrated my mom, who was my primary teacher, to the point where she stopped schooling me all together. i was expected to teach and discipline myself. when i was fifteen (2022), my therapist became aware of my lack of schooling. she called CPS on my parents because of it. they never ended up showing, but it scared my parents enough that they got me into an online schooling program. i have since had to switch to a different one, and overall had a difficult time with schooling myself. it’s not led by a teacher, you do the lessons yourself. it’s hard for me to keep myself motivated. i have finished almost all of my english assignments available to me, but im still falling behind in math. i don’t know how to pick myself back up. i haven’t even started on history and science yet, as they don’t even have a curriculum for them. i don’t know what to do. i desperately need help and i don’t know where to find it.

if you read all of my sob story, thank you! :D i really appreciate it.

anything helps, $1, advice, anything!!! 💕

[saintsenara]

SORRY I KNOW ITS WEIRD ASKING A HP TUMBLR BLOG FOR LIFE ADVICE BUT IM SO CURIOUS HOW DO YOU MANAGE YOUR TIME

this is a genuine answer.

i think it's very important for there to be no doubt about the fact that - without medication - i would be fucked. there are plenty of non-medical ways of helping to manage adhd, but stimulant medication is the frontline treatment for a reason - no matter what the latest moral panic says. you cannot girlboss your way out of having an incurable neurological condition - and i will be honest that the few people in my life who think that you can are also the few people in my life i consider to be actively contemptible.

time management starts and ends with easily having executive function - and "easily" is the operative word. i can - of course - survive without medication - but i do so while stalked by a constant state of nervous energy which is just exhausting. not least because it ruins my sleep.

[the experience of realising that - no - you're not semi-nocturnal, you've just never before been properly calm the first time you take your pills... exquisite.]

and when i'm in the state of relative normality that legal amphetamine use brings, i manage my time by...

1. wearing a watch

no checking the time on my phone - i'll just get distracted by scrolling.

2. setting huge numbers of alarms

beat time-blindness with this one weird trick.

bonus points - if you're someone who finds it hard to switch between tasks or gets stuck hyper-focusing on things, then set the alarm and then put the device it's on far enough away from you that you have to move in order to turn it off.

3. putting everything on the wall

if you are dopamine-challenged, the best tip i can give you is that you are deluding yourself if you think you can use normal diaries/planners/to-do lists. this is why you probably have cupboards full of them.

stick everything on the wall, where you can see it, and set it up in a way that you can easily move tasks around [i.e. by using a whiteboard you can erase, or sticking your planner inside a plastic wallet and writing on it, or by having everything on sticky notes you can move around].

numbered task lists [i have to do x first, then move onto y] are a no-go - because if you don't do x, then you won't move onto y. but having groups of tasks - organised by urgency or difficulty, for example - which are right there in front of you can be selected from work much better with the adhd brain.

4. being a shark

by which i mean, being constantly on the move. desk chairs are the enemy. never sit still.

if you have adhd - and, to be frank, even if you don't - you will find that doing something physical while you need to concentrate on a task improves your ability to focus on that task. it also helps with managing time-blindness, task-switching, hyper-focus which is to the detriment of what you're supposed to be doing, and being easily distracted.

when i'm at work i literally never sit down. i use a standing desk [which, if you have a diagnosis of adhd and you're uk-based, counts as a reasonable adjustment your employer has to provide for you, fyi], and i have an under-desk treadmill [which i had to pay for myself, which i do not regret in the slightest] for tasks which really need a lot of effort to power through.

at home, i have an adjustable desk which i use as a standing desk or which i sit at while using an under-desk bike [which i use when i'm likely to get stuck hyper-focusing on something and need not to be - like if i'm writing fic but i need to meet up with friends at a certain time - because it's really uncomfortable and it therefore compels me to get up] or an exercise ball [the effort of not falling off really helps with concentration].

obviously, these types of movement are possible for me because i'm not physically disabled - it will look different for everyone, but any level of physical movement [including using fidget toys] helps with time management by improving focus.

5. body-doubling

this is a classic adhd-and-productivity thing, which means having someone physically with you while you work. they're not there to supervise you [or indeed to engage with you at all] - they're working on their own things - but the way that the adhd brain is primed for pattern recognition [and is very good at mimicry] means that you end up falling into the same rhythm as the other person.

if you need to complete something in a finite amount of time, then having someone you can body-double with is really useful, because you're less likely to get distracted from or overwhelmed by the task at hand. similarly, having a double helps prevent you getting stuck hyper-focusing.

6. owning my shit

everyone - even the most neurotypical of people - is late, or misses deadlines, or forgets meetings, or puts off tasks sometimes. it will happen no matter how brilliant your organisational system is. it's part of life.

but if you have adhd, it's very easy to fall into "well, this is just what i'm like" thinking - both self-critically ["i can't improve this, i'm a fuck-up"] and self-indulgently ["he has no right to be angry at me for being late for his party, he knows i have adhd"].

untrue. if you struggle with time management you have a responsibility to get a grip on aspects of those struggles which inconvenience other people. you will have to be quite strict with yourself in order to do this - i've ended up in a position, for example, where i'm always extremely [and often inconveniently - i do a lot of lurking outside the function waiting until it's time to go in] early for things. this is because i know that if i give myself an inch ["oh, i can wait fifteen minutes before leaving, it'll be fine!"] then i'll take a mile ["fuck, i should have left half an hour ago"].

so too with tasks. that "you can do this later... just go on your phone for a bit" voice is the devil speaking. do not listen.

i'm afraid that i've not found this becoming more intuitive with time - i have to be constantly strict with myself, in a way that neurotypical people don't - but it's just the way it is, you just have to do your best.

be community-minded about the things you need to do, be proactive in identifying what your weak areas are and thinking about how you can get around them [as i've said, mine is being late, and so i'm always hyper-alert about not slipping into complacency around this] forgive yourself for the odd slip, say sorry without caveats to people you inconvenience, thank people who are gracious, and extend grace in turn.

7. taking every bit of help going

i'm open about my diagnosis at work - which is a piece of good fortune which isn't available to everyone.

[although, if you're uk-based, a diagnosis of adhd counts as a disability under the equality act - your employer is obligated to make reasonable adjustments for you, you can't be dismissed just for having adhd, and you are entitled to bring a claim of disability discrimination if you are not provided with reasonable adjustments. you are also entitled to apply for an access to work grant - which provides financial assistance for adjustments which fall outside of the reasonable costs your employer is legally obliged to incur.]

i have adjustments at work [not only my standing desk, but things like permission to record meetings and to have all instructions issued in writing] and i feel absolutely no shame over it. if i can get something for free from the government to make my life easier, i will take it.

i am also absolutely shameless about taking advantage of my colleagues to help with time management - using them as body doubles, or asking them to get me from my office so i'm not late to things, for example - and i take advantage of my friends and family along the same lines.

human beings are social creatures - this is literally what we're designed to do - and it's incredibly important to reject the "i owe nobody anything" paradigm [which is one of the most egregious crimes of modern, poorly-regulated therapy]. i receive support, and i repay it turn by doing things for the people who help me.

8. constantly having a little treat

i am a grown adult with three degrees and a mortgage. i have also been known to use a star chart for a little flutter of pride in myself.

if you have a time management triumph, give yourself a little treat. you deserve it.

[kerubimcrepin]

Live-read: The Wheel of Destiny #1, Atcham.

You can find this article on the Dofus MMO’s site, by simply googling it.

Before I begin this post I want to acknowledge multiple things:

On the hierarchy of canonical media, web articles are like... the bottom of the barrel. I already suspected this, but season 4 fully retconning Eva's parents from the lore articles sealed the deal. For this reason, take these as nothing but the sort of canon that will get retconned at the first available opportunity.

I recently found out that the Wheel of Destiny 8, the one about Kerubim, seems to use stolen fanart by Flowerimh, which is sad. I don't know where else to put this, because I don't want to make a separate post about this. Flowerimh isn't even active anymore...

Despite these two things, let us proceed to read this article together:

So, this article happens anywhere from one year to a decade before Joris was born, and at this time, Atcham and Julith were already acquainted and spending free time together.

Spoiler alert: They are searching for Kerubim.

Keke getting called a "precious runt" is on par with the shit Joris gets called. Wonderful. I do wonder why they would search for him in Brakmar. Someone confused him for Atcham? Maybe they asked Kerubim himself, and he didn't want to deal with them, and so, sent them to Brakmar on a wild goose chase?

I will not be asking "what did he do" because, like, Fifi Pretty Calves exists. He has enough enemies to have a price on his head.

I am literally in love with him, and every single way he is described in this part of the text.

"He had a preference for sibilant sounds", "Aw, poor little puppy", "the only reason he hadn't robbed them blind is because he wanted to know more".

He was so excited.... he thought they wanted him (not carnally).... 😢

He takes a lot of pride in his work and insane behaviours.

Atcham considers himself an extraordinary adventurer and a valiant fighter. AND HE ISSSSSS. But it is interesting that besides being a killer for hire, he probably also adventures.

[Taps this meme I made about Kerubim and Atcham once again]

He was so ready to be the one people wanted to kill just once, and they ruined his whole fucking evening.

Imagine this being your day-to-day life, for decades. Just people laughing at you, laughing because you still hadn't caught on that you're the joke, and laughing when you finally understand that, and get upset.

Laughing about you behind your back, to some random stranger, too. Because they still hadn't realized they're literally talking about him.

I think this is a good time to say that I headcanon Atcham as autistic. It is simply a headcanon, but one rooted in the themes of his character. I think it is a fitting conclusion, (albeit, just like my hcs of Joris having ADHD and OCD and Kerubim having comorbid BPD and HPD, very accidental one, on part of the writers).

I could talk for hours on the way neurodivergence, disability, body issues, and violence-as-response-to-abuse intersect in Atcham's character, — or the way he hates everyone preemptively, because he knows that they will probably hurt him, yet still tries to be at least a bit kind and fair to others (....who aren't Kerubim).

I am probably not autistic, — however, I am neurodivergent, and I love & relate to him, so yeah. Always rotating this bingus in my brain.

Imagine this being your whole life.

I read descriptions of Atcham being cool and fast, and all the analysis leaves my brain as I say "awooga hummina hummina".

The fact that nobody ever wed him is literally so unrealistic, like WHAT DO YOU MEAN you don't want the weird, mentally ill, neurodivergent twink.

We never see Atcham's home in Brakmar, but from the description of "tattered", and the way his bed looks in the comic panel I inserted earlier in the post, it is safe to say his home is the definition of "girlrotting". It probably smells. Bad.

Says the woman whose kindness will also be the death of her, — and her ruthlessness too.

Because of her visiting his home so nonchalantly, and their interactions as a whole, I like to view Atcham and Julith as somewhat close friends, — as close as two very emotionally repressed people, who have a huge age difference, and don't like to admit that they feel anything positive, can be.

He probably didn't mourn her, — not after she was presumed dead for ten years, and not after she died for real.

But he probably still thinks about her, once in a while.

[vulturesrottencorpse]

autism isn't silly

titles self explanatory. I just wanna rant BC recently tiktok has been making disabilities very much more known (since around 2020)

One of the most "popular" of these disabilities are autism and also ADHD. Of course theirs others ppl are idolizing (Tourette's, bpd, DID, ect) But I don't have any of those so I can't really speak on that.

What I do have (diagnosed at least,) is autism, ADHD, anxiety and depression, some of the most popular and idolised disabilities on tiktok.

No, autism isn't "silly sharks dinosaurs hyperfixations!! Super smart and silly and funny!!". ADHD isn't "haha silly can't focus so energetic!!" Depression isn't "omg I'm so emo and sad nobody gets me" and anxiety isn't "oh I don't like talking to people and I can't keep my hands still"

This should be obvious but it's so often out like this that it's making me pissed.

And then theres people who'll tell you "autism/adhd isn't a disability it's a super ability!" Which invalidates your struggles. Yeah, I know some niche facts about fish and dinosaurs, I also don't know how to socialise with anybody on my own, I lay in bed all day and do nothing as hours pass by no matter how much I want to get up I just can't. I can't focus on anything unless it interests me even if I know I have to. I am constantly excluded from social groups because people either find me annoying/weird or too quiet and boring. I'm constantly depressed because I'm so lonely yet I'm too terrified to actually reach out and make new connections so I can't *stop* being lonely. I'm self aware about all my problems so therapists can't do much other than say "well you're very self aware" or "have you tried setting Alarms?". It is a constant cycle that goes on and on. And then I get told that all of this is a "superpower?" It's a disability. It disables me from doing things neurotipical people can do. Just because I might be good at picking up rhythm or naming a few facts about animals doesn't mean my autism/ADHD is some gift from the heavens. It sucks. It's made my life so hard but every time I try to explain it to someone they don't understand. Or they think they do, but they don't. Because it's impossible to describe this to someone without autism without them going "oh, well that's normal" because they've experienced it from time to time, but when I tell them the way I experience it is 5x worse for me, they say I'm exaggerating, that I need to toughen up, that it's "just how the world works".

I'm honestly sick of being treated like I'm not human. Like I don't have feelings that get hurt, like I don't have bad experiences or things that can ruin my life. Because autism is treated as some silly little personality trait. It's not. It's a fucking disability

Btw acoustic isn't funny. Stop

[autisticlee]

any other autistic/adhd/dissociative/disabled-in-general person forced to do thjngs that you know you shouldn't do because huge safety issue or can't do it correctly or causes severe pain and do it so poorly it affects your health or safety or life in very negative ways? but you have no choice but to out yourself in danger?

for example, I always see posts like "other people complain they were forced to do a thing but they can still do it so that means they cant complain since i literally cant do it at all" basically. no sympathy for people forced to do dangerous and unsafe and painful and scary things! sounds very dismissive! I see driving as one example a lot. others say they simply cannot because *list of reasons*. but what if you were forced even though you have still those reasons?

another common one is making food for yourself. "I'll be very malnutritioned if i'm forced to" what if you are forced to make your own food and live off bare minimun so ARE malnutritioned and just have to accept health issues that come with it? sometimes see people can't go places alone because it's dangerous. what if you had to anyway and just have to deal with people harassing you and trying to kidnap you and can't ask or scream for help and no one takes you seriously when you tell the stories if you're lucky to get away? or can't do a thing because it's painful. imagine accepting the pain without treatment and giving up on living a good life. or cant get a job but forced to work a job with family who makes you stay even when job tears your body apart and makes you very depressed because you hate it but have bills and parents wont pay for everything and dismiss your struggles and force you to be "adult" alone.

anyone else forced to do these things they know they can't and just have to suffer consequences of it alone? I never see posts like this. saw a couple posts by people who don't do these things and dismiss people struggling and being forced to do them because they decided it means we "can" so arent allowed to complain because it "dismisses/talks over people like them who cant" but that's doing the same thing! right???? dismissing other people by claiming they talk over and dismiss you is still dismissive. there can be multiple voices at once! is not a competition!

often see posts talking about "I can't be forced because I cant do it" but people recognize that and help them in life. i'm glad they have help! don't see as many posts about how hard it is to be forced when you know you can't and should not but still have to. because!!!!! just because you are forced to do a thing doesn't mean you ~actually can do it~ or should be. you can be forced into danger every time and have very bad things happen. no choice but to accept the bad things and deal with them. and that can be super scary and frustrating and stressful!!!!! not fair if we can't talk about that!!!!

for food, of my mom doesn't make something j can eat, I have to make my own. cannot cook. can't follow directions. cooking is sensory overwhelming. can't stand in place for long. for some reason makes me really dizzy and pain and stuff. so go sit down and get distracted and ruin food every time. lose appetite after cooking and can't eat it. so now only eat cereal and protein bars and microwave meals. very not healthy. probably ads to health issues. am malnutritioned. can't get everything needed. but have no choice because mom won't cook extra meals.

going places alone? tried for last 15 years to make friends to go places with. family hardly ever does things with me. can't make friends. have to go places alone. can't advocate for self. have speech loss every time I leave the house (most days can't say words in general. talking very hard. have very bad intermittent/selective mutism/speech issues. most days can't say words at all. sometimes can recite scripts but usually can't even do that) so can't ask for help. physically can't yell, just unable. talk very quiet when saying any words so no one hears/understands or people misunderstand and either not get whst wanted/needed it people get angry.

somehow bad people attracted to me and always single me out. homeless people always sprint over to me from idk where. ignore everyone else. always jumpscared by them because look at ground or phone when walking. they follow and [[[tw ahead]]] make gross sexual comments and describe things they will do to me. some threaten to kill me and describe in detail how. had one follow for an hour and not leave. had creepy white van parked against my car with back door and saw no one inside and I still got in my car quickly. van suddenly turned on and drove away so someone WAS in it. and didn't realize until I got home how dangerous thst was. had many people follow me at night. had one person grab me and not let go and try to drag me away. dissociated so bad have no memory of how I even got away....autistic brain so sensory overloaded it blocks everything out. dissociates. cannot be aware of my surroundings to spot danger. just incapable! but no one takes me seriously when try to talk about it!!!!

driving? yes I drive. should I be allowed? absolutely not. I know I should not. but don't have a choice, so do dangerous things, hoping people around me can avoid when I do wrong things and pay more attention.

was forced to learn. took 4 years to get license and barely passed the last time. was 1 point away from failure. but live in rural-ish area where everything is far away. is 35-45 minutes to doctors for example. parents womt drive me. they work. don't have friends or other help. was forced to try college (or face being kicked out of home if I didn't try. was 35 minute drive so had to drive self. failed out after a year) and etc. did not want to. fought and argued and cried and melted down begging to not but was punished and threatened. didnt want kicked out in streets alone. is always my dads threat when I don't do what he wants.

so tried my best. drive slow and cautiously as possible. takes at lest 10 minutes longer to get anywhere. brain often dissociate while driving and don't even know how I got there. don't remember the drive. when not dissociating i notice many wrongs. very adhd brain always distracts me. drive off side of road often looking at things. go through red lights all the time and forget to stop at stop signs. accidentally change lanes without noticing I even chnaged. accidentally run people off road/out of their lane all the time.....and etc.

autistic brain always very overwhelmed. too many rules to remember. never remember them and di it wrong. always breaking rules accidentally. too much sensory stuff. too much happening. very! slow! reaction! time! almost hit others many times. have hit things. hit a car once but for some reason they kept going and didn't stop????? guess they didnt care??? idk. confusion!!! but somehow nothing severe yet...have to rely on others to out maneuver my bad driving. brain gets mixed signals a lot. will see break lights ahead way down street and think oh stop. so stop on middle of road for no reason when no one stopped directly in front and light is green or opposite will see light green and ignore break lights in front and almost slam into car. have almost run over many people because don't notice them and they run away in time then scream and are mad. always get lost even with GPS. struggle to understand GPS. go wrong way. drive up one ways wrong way. drive where there's no road, over curbs, through grass, confusing myself and everyone around. cant see at night barely especially when raining so is always extra scary and more broken rules...and many other reasons driving is bad and unsafe for me.

so am forced. have no choice. but KNOW I shouldn't. am danger to myself and everyone around me. I KNOW that but no one believes or cares because no one wants to drive me anywhere and says im lazy. doesn't understand my struggle and how dangerous. when people make me drive them they yell and freak out entire time making it harder!!!! try to avoid driving as much as possible. only haven't gotten in major accidents so far because i live in more rural area and not city so less people/cars. try super hard to concentrate and go slower than supposed to and let other people avoid my bad driving usually. concentrating makes me fall asleep so another bad thing. always fall asleep while driving. because too stressed so brain tries shutting down. if not falling asleep then dissociating.

know I shoukd not be on road because it's dangerous for me and others. but have no choice. so will keep being danger until something very bad happens and have "valid excuse" to not drive......no one listens to my concerns so need to drive to not miss appointments and stuff anyway. sighs.

where is sympathy for people like me? why is it always "can drive vs can't drive" why there never anyway who can't drive but still has to??? just because you do a thing you were forced to doesn't mean you should!!!!!!!!!! and doesn't mean you *can* if you always do it wrong and it's super dangerous!!!! "can" meaning allowed is different from "can" meaning able. you can be allowed to do a thing you're unable to do, so that means you do the thing, but very poorly and unsafe and wrong.

do you know how scary and frustrating it is?! how stressful?! I feel so sick every time I have to drive. catch so many mistakes and probably not catch all. people mad and beep horn constantly. makes me drive worse every time!!!! ban horns! hurts my ears!!!! go around! disabled driver trying their best. stop making it worse and harder! 😭😭😭😭 just pretend it's a video game

I know someone might read and think i'm saying "I can do it so you can" NO OPPOSITE I know you can't do it. but doesn't mean I "can" and should! I also should not. but don't like when people say "I literally can't so stop complaining you're forced/have no choice so have to do it anyway. I don't have choice either and dont. that means you can do it so stop complaining" and stuff like that. glad you weren't forced and threatened to be kicked out of home if you dont pass and can get others to drove you when you need. sometimes desperate times means you do dangerous things you can't. imagine of you actually have to do it anyway and just have to accept you will break rules and hurt yourself and others. it's scary!!!!! and not fair!! dont want you to suffer that. but not fair I can't complain about it! not fair I cant say "I can't do this bit am forced anyway" when clearly I should not be allowed a license!!!! or operate vehicles!!!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 sometimes intrusive thoughts tell me crash car on purpose so lisence is taken and don't have to drive anymore. but then will be isolated in house and never go to appointments ever again and family will punish me and cant escape them because can't leave. don't want that on anyone and sorry to everyone who experiences that! trying my best to avoid that though...

this isn't to everyone who is disabled/autistic and can't drive or do other stuff. just dont think people will understand and will think i'm attacking when i'm not. Just talking about personal experience and hoping others relate and hoping to not be dismissed again. higher needs people cannot. I know! Just trying to see if anyone else understands!!!! i'm probably medium needs? need help but pass enough to never get any and always have to put self in danger and sruff. but some lower needs make posts they cannot drive and didnt even try fkr example. just afraid because they know they can't. (again not saying they can and should try. good for them keeping that boundary!) but they have choice not to because have people to drive them or have public transport i dont have. understandable. is scary. glad you don't have to and stay safe.

but sometimes feels like they dismiss my struggles and say they think just because I do it means I *can* and they would never. but that "can" is being forced to break laws and rules and causing accidents and being very dangerous to everyone and myself!!!! but having no choice but to do the bad dangerous things anyway because the alternative can be worse. that's the problem. 😭😭😭😭 where are posts about this? anyone understand and have same experiences? or sympathy for people like me that doesnt feel dismissive? 😭😭😭😭😭😭

"I can't do it. I know bad thing will happen. so i dont" VS "I can't do it. I know bad thing will happen. but i'm forced to make bad thing happen anyway" are 2 ideas that can both exist!

[thestobingirlie]

I love reading fics where Steve is disabled, be it hard of hearing, seizures, chronic migraines, like he's had too many concussions not to have any issues from it. (I think its because I have a neurological disability and Steve is my comfort character, so projecting.)

But something that really gives me the ick is I've noticed a lot more ST fic recently have been handling disabled characters in a really ableist way (100% not all, just noticed more) and quite often they're just infantilising the disabled characters. I've noticed this the most when Steve is disabled, because I mostly read Steve-centric fics, but I have also noticed it with Robin and Eddie.

I've been seeing a lot of other characters addressing Steve and Robin as if they were toddlers when they are written as disabled, in ways that no adult should speak to anyone who is over the age of 5. Especially when Steve is written in a post-seizure state, or Robin is having a panic attack. Like, they might not be fully aware, but they are not children.

Sometimes, its other characters treating Steve as if he is incapable of doing anything on his own if he is disabled. As if the only things he can do without constant supervision is lie in bed or sit on a couch and watch tv. I saw one fic where others scolded him for getting out of bed to go to the bathroom without asking for help, and it wasn't as if he was recently injured or fresh out of a seizure, he was in pretty good health aside from being at risk of seizures.

With Robin, I've seen her written as if she needs to be treated like a fragile 2 year old otherwise she is in a constant state of panic attack and is always totally useless, and I've seen people use this sort of attitude to write her out of the high stress situations. Or she will just always go off on unrelated tangents so she isn't useful because she interrupts the people who know what they're talking about. Or she's written as if her rambling is a liability and she can't be trusted because if she got caught she'd 100% tell the bad guys everything.

And with Eddie I've noticed some people who write him as autistic (I love autistic and ADHD Eddie) seem to have him just constantly biting people like he is a nonverbal three-year-old who has figured out that their easiest way to communicate is by using their teeth. And it always with the attitude "it doesn't matter if he hurts people by biting them because it is his method of self-regulating."

(And no, I do NOT accept the billy stans who claim that it is ableist to talk about the bad things he's done. like, no that man is not canonically disabled (I've seen billy stans say he is canonically bipolar or has bpd? Like no.), he is canonically racist and abusive. even if he was canonically disabled that isn't an excuse for his behavior. also, I know people that have bipolar or bpd, and they arent racist and abusive. in fact they are some of the most careful people about what they can control of their behavior because they are worried about becoming abusive to their loved ones).

sorry this is really disjointed and probably doesn't make much sense but I just needed to get it off my chest. and I just love your blog!

and i love you, random tumblr user! but yeah, always feel free to just drop thoughts into my inbox, i’ll try and sort through them lmao

i enjoy reading fics where steve’s injuries have repercussions too. though it definitely isn’t always written well.

i think because the duffers ignore his injuries so much, people kinda go into hyperdrive and over-acknowledge them, almost. i think it also comes from wanting steve to be as angsty as possible, which means people don’t treat his disability’s very… nicely? they usually just use his conditions to ruin his life and make him miserable, and infantilise him, like you said.

i honestly think people just know fuck all about seizures, and cannot be bothered to look it up, but still want steve to experience them so they can make him as sad and depressed as possible.

they see seizures as this, like, life-ending condition, and so use them to kinda destroy steve’s life.

i think a lot of people also use his disabilities to get steve cared for, because we all want people to take care of the poor boy. but again, they just over-do it, and make it seem like he’s a little baby that can’t do anything.

i honestly don’t think most of these people are doing this from a place of harm. i think they honestly want to depict steve experiencing these things and being comforted etc. they’re just kinda ignorant.

i am very lucky that i haven’t seen fics that treat robin like that, because i honestly think i’d explode lol.

and yeah, the biting thing was kinda funny at first, and then it got kinda weird… people just see a fandom joke and do what fandoms always do, which is drag it out, and make it so extreme it’s barely recognisable as the original idea.

(yeah, with no character should you excuse their actions with a mental illness. like, billy’s abuse explains why he is the way he is, but it doesn’t excuse it. even when you have a mental illness you can’t just use that as an excuse to treat people like crap, and they’re entitled to call you out for doing so.)

[giritina]

Any tips on communicating with people with different abilities then you? And how to not just say "you need to overcome these things"? Even moreso when they directly effect and damage your own life. People who your forced to be around due to social circumstance. Honor them and how they do things, but also not let them tear your life to ruin? This is about an ADHD and autistic roommate who's letting my home rot from the inside out.

Its really difficult when it comes to roommates because your relationship is so ill defined and conditional... But I think it can help to make it clear that the condition of the apartment is affecting you negatively and things need to change. It can be good to research if there's any services in the area that could help with your roommates mental health or with cleaning. Personally, when my partner was dealing with extreme mental and physical health symptoms, paying a cleaning service to come was really worth it. That's not an option for everyone, though. But check your area as some services can cost under 200.

How much sway you have over a roommate depends on how close you are, but instead of just saying that they need to do it you can try to emphasize that a plan needs to be made for things to improve. Think up a couple different solutions that are realistic as a jumping off point. Ask them why it's difficult and what could make it better. You can also tell them you need them to rely on their support system it they feel unable to help because you're note able to clean everything on your own, or they need to financially contribute to outside cleaning help if able. If they don't have access to those things, tell them you really need them to search for mental health and disability resources that can assist. I think also asking people what about this task makes you uncomfortable and how can we fix it or make it better, and allowing people to say "this is one thing I'm not capable of" (ie my partner doesn't do the dishes for sensory reasons) and making a comprehensive plan helps.

Putting your foot down and emphasizing it's unfair for you to do more than you're capable of or to live in an unsanitary environment can help people see that they need to change their status quo. It can take time for the shock and discomfort to wear off from the idea of the change, though. Don't give up. If they continue to rely on you exclusively, try asking your own support system for help cleaning or getting through the stress and keep a healthy emotional distance from your roommate when possible. If they won't find resources, see if you're able to raise money or find resources that can help you afford cleaning services etc. It can feel unfair to give up on making another person be responsible, but if theyre in a condition where they are sincerely not capable or just are not understanding your needs, it's best to do what will solve the situation for yourself.

[chronic-invisibility]

it’s so weird for me to try to figure out how my brain arrived at a certain thought or having a certain song stuck in my head. like i have the part of fake happy by paramore in my head where hayley’s just going “da da dada da da” stuck on a loop in my head, sometimes it lets me get to the next bit of the song but then it loops back again, and i was like how did that get stuck in here? well, i was watching the 50th anniversary docuseries about snl with my parents and there was a split second shot of times square and the big red steps which are on top of the tkts booth and i made them pause it so i could tell them that last week when i was in the city the big red steps were roped off and people couldn’t climb up on them which we decided was probably either bc someone was fucking around and got hurt and ruined it for everybody else or bc it’s been snowy and icy lately so maybe they’re too slippery to let people go on so they Don’t get hurt, and then i was talking about all the annoying people in times square who take your picture as a souvenir and then try to get you to pay a ridiculous amount for it and how i saw a medium sized group of tourists trying to figure out how to get a woman’s manual wheelchair into those new gyroscope 360 picture thingies and how the dudes who were working the thing were standing there uselessly like it never occurred to anybody that a disabled person might want to interact with this tourist trap and how shitty that is and then we kept watching the snl thing but my brain now associates nyc but especially times square with the music video for fake happy bc it’s pretty much just following hayley williams around nyc (and sometimes when i miss getting to be in the city as much as i used to i watch the video on youtube and ik most people hate times square and yes it is very overwhelming esp sensory-wise and there’s all the annoying people trying to sell you shit and the people in those character heads and also the pigs carrying machine guns around but i like being in times square for short periods of time bc it makes me feel like i’m actually part of humanity just being around so many people even if nobody’s interacting with me specifically i just like feeling like i’m part of life) and that’s how the song got into my head. it’s like mental gymnastics trying to figure out how my brain gets on certain topics, but i recently learned there’s a term that people w adhd made for that phenomenon called dolphining or dolphin thinking or smth where someone on the outside is baffled how someone can go from one topic to something that seems completely unrelated but if you saw what was going on under the surface it makes sense how they got there, like how you can see a dolphin jumping out of the water but not see them swimming underneath until they jump out again, but for thoughts in your brain and they go so fast sometimes i even have a hard time figuring out how i got there

[the-tricksters]

TW// harassment

just had a nightmare of our mother screaming at us that we're "not autistic"

(personal vent below the cut)

we've had 2 medical professionals diagnose/medically recognize us with asd. but because our old highschool said we weren't, she takes their word over ours

why? the report listed that we had clear sensory issues that severely affected us in everyday life, AND that we were "unusual" and "full of anxiety" and had "clear symptoms of autism spectrum disorder", but they said it wasn't enough to be asd. but it was. they were wrong

this is the same place that got our adhd diagnosis wrong, that did nothing about the constant harassment and bullying we faced for being neurodivergent and visibly queer and disabled, that did nothing when people followed us into the bathroom, that did nothing when people took videos and pictures of us to mock and belittle us, that did nothing when people would purposefully trip us or push us or steal our belongings or call us slurs from windows, that did NOTHING to help us. so why? why do you believe their word over the 2 people that ACTUALLY KNOW US?? that HAVE known us for years?? that fully believe we are autistic??

it's just like when we were first diagnosed with DID at a young age. she didn't believe that (at first) either. she screamed at us that we "didn't have DID, nothing bad enough happened!!" to us, even though we had been through severe and repeated trauma AND had clear (c)ptsd. it took a medical professional (our current therapist) to sit down with her and explain everything to her that it was, in fact, the right diagnosis, that our c-ptsd WAS, in fact, ruining our life, that our alters DID IN FACT EXIST

it's not just the school, either. it's our severely disabled autistic brother that makes her believe we aren't autistic. if he's got it so bad, then clearly we don't. clearly autism only shows itself in one way and is not a spectrum. clearly, because he is nonverbal with extreme (self and otherwise) injurious behaviors and lack of social awareness, we can't be. even though we've been showing symptoms since we were extremely little, she just doesn't believe it. and that hurts

i don't understand her. i don't understand her constant need to undermine our issues, to always fight us on every diagnosis we get. she just hates having something "wrong" with us, and i don't understand it. i don't think ill ever understand it

- 🐀

[katapotato55]

psychonauts theory/analysis/headcannon: an analogy on neurodivergence?

spoilers for psychonauts, the rhombus of ruin and maybe psychonauts 2 these games are amazing please play at least the first game. the first game is only like 10 USD on steam and it is often on sale for waaay less. it is a very good underrated game. also TW: mentions of childhood abuse and personal experiences. you have been warned.

I will mostly talk about the first game. Yes i am aware i am probably overthinking it. I think we all know the first game isn't the most accurate to mental illnesses. The original game came out 18 years ago and was meant to be a dark comedy game rather than a sensitive depiction of mental health. I am not going to go into that aspect because time have changed since it released and I think it is redundant, but if you want my opinion I thought most of the jokes were hilarious. the first game wasn't meant to be a good depiction, so i take it for what it is and laugh along with it. I think the fact I relate to some of the characters makes it funnier personally.

but no, today I want to bring up a head cannon/theory thing: being a psychonaut is a metaphor for being nerodivergent. bear with me, here is my reasoning.

1- Raz's opening speech in the first game. "you were born with a special gift, but the people around you treat it like a curse. your mother is afraid of you, and your father looks at you with shame in his eyes" "back home your powers make you a loner, an outcast, a circus freak, but in this dojo, in this psychic dojo, they make you a hero." no explanation needed, this speech touched me in a way even if it is a bit corny. This bit here establishes that being psychic is still very taboo in this universe, as if being psychic is seen as something wrong with you rather than just an aspect you were born with. In this point in the games timeline, being psychic is slowly becoming less taboo and more of a valuable asset to society.

2- Raz's family a little bit ago i made a list about how much i hated the interns from the second game and how Agent Forsythe's actions against Raz felt a tad forced. I do not feel the same way about Raz's family. why ? well for one Raz has known them his whole life, and that "psychics are bad" came from SOMEWHERE. It is also implied that a lot of the biggotry came from his mother more than his father oddly enough. i am about to say something that is not for the faint of heart. please be advised. are you ready ? Are you sure you are ready ? meat circus. OK good now take a minute to calm down from your traumatic flashback from reading those words and then continue. The end level of the first game depicted Raz's struggle with his father. Raz was constantly under the impression that he was hated because of how his parents talked about being psychic. then Raz's father told him what he REALLY felt about his son and what was really happening. this hit me hard. some nerodivergent disorders are genetic, like in my case ADHD. and when a genetic disability exists and the family does not know they have it, then often times it is harder to get help due to prejustice. it is the "oh we are normal! i acted just like you when i was your age!" mentality. my whole life i have been told that "you are not [slur for disabled that starts with R]! you just need to get better at school! stop being lazy!", and then later i would learn one of my parents was just like me and hid it for their own safety. i can totally see "fortune teller" as a kind of slur for psychics truth be told. imagine being told as a child you are not a "fortune teller" and that "fortune tellers" are bad, and you being told that makes you feel like something is wrong with you. You feel like no one in your family loves you. It could be that Raz's father hid his psychic abilities from Raz's mother so he wouldent be scrutinized, while also hurting about what happened to his family in the past. It was the "fortune tellers" fault he was like this, so how could he love himself for being one? A headcannon I have was that Raz's mother already had pretty problematic thoughts about psychics, so when Raz's father discovered he was psychic he hid it away due to how it hurt his family and how they could react. It is established that psychics can find out they are psychics way later in life, such as mila's memory of the orphanage burning down and her suddenly being able to hear the voices of the dying children. This is somewhat accurate to adult diagnosis in my opinion.

3- Whispering rock could possibly be a special needs camp note: there is a difference between programs that teach you how to cope with your disability, and programs that basically abuse kids. Fuck autism speaks, fuck ABA programs, and a big fat special middle finger to Judge Rotenberg Educational Centre (don't google it unless you want to be angry). this bit here is a little obvious, but i thought i should point out that in the end of psy 2, agent forsythe mentioned teaching raz's family how to use their abilities safely. as I mentioned, some people find out they are psychic later in life, which is pretty common with nerodivergent disorders. It could be that whispering rock is a way to teach kids how to cope early in life so they don't struggle with it worse later on. this one is a bit of a stretch i will admit, but i got something way stronger next up:

4- Dr Loboto Dr loboto came from an emotionally neglectful home. His parents would remove toys from him and he would use his psychic abilities consistently to act out. this is normal for an emotionally neglected kid. his parents did not want a child, they wanted a perfect "doll" to do as they wanted. they loved the idea of a perfect ideal family and not actually having a child. and so they lobotomized him. Lobotomization was very common in the 50s. It was seen as a cure-all for all mental issues. housewife acting out? being her in to get snipped. child acting out? ice pick procedure. 9 times out of 10 it would end up making existing issues worse, or cause said patient to turn into a vegetable, or even death. If you want a famous case, see president JFK's sister. This hits me hard personally in multiple ways. I can see this as being a reflection of how people would "cure" their autistic kids by getting them lobotomized, or how in the modern day we still try to "cure" kids by abusing them and hurting them. Sometimes it wasn't even nerodivergent kids, just acting out is enough for people to do this! One of the reasons why i was diagnosed as an adult was the fear of doctors and teachers wanting to dope kids up to keep them quiet, god forbid an 8 year old is a little energetic, adhd or not. dr loboto is a traumatized broken man that was forcibly given brain damage because his parents loved the idea of a child rather than the child they made. I am lowkey kinda proud that he became a dentist to spite his father.

overall, i have heard people mention that psychonauts is a metaphor for being LGBT. I can see it, but honestly i feel as though the metaphor for nerodivergence is more strong. truth be told: we have a very similar history of bigotry, gaslighting, and abuse. we are siblings you and I, and our brotherhood will last generations. We are brothers and sisters and neithers in our pain. anyways that is my theory, let me know what yall think! I know i can come off as a little aggro but i genuinely would love to hear your thoughts!

[abimee]

i have a cocktail of neurodivergences because when one thing goes wrong in your brain you usually develop 3 carry-on disorders free of charge but the thing that always sucks most is when you have a ''neurodivergent disorder'' that has zero upsides. like you get bombarbed by tiktoks and posts about how great it can be to have ADHD or autism and all these upsides because they alter how you function in positive and negative ways, but as someone with combination OCD-BP (WHICH MAKES THE BIPOLAR WORSE AND HARDER TO TREAT THAN NON-OCD BP) you get every single downside symptom and zero of the ups

like congratulations if your ADHD makes you more aware of the emotions of others or capable of taking on multiple tasks, but here comes bipolar with the steel chair of ''if i see a single other person whos slightly better than me at this thing i just picked up i will ruin everyones day including myself because IM supposed to be the most special person on earth''. I see something that makes me excited/overly happy due to my autism? well here comes the mania triggered by the sudden elation in mood and therefore ill go from ''im so excited and happy!!" to "i can get into a car right now and drive it despite never having been behind the wheel before because life is so perfect that basic laws of physics dont apply to me because the world is so amazing like that!!"

get a new hyperfixation? how long do you think it will last. 3 months? a year? well here comes mania with the ''you will think about this every day for hours on end for 6+ years straight and it will always be VERY sexual because you have hypersexuality problems and just dont know it and even if youre not longer interested in this thing you will be unable to stop thinking about it because it is part of your life now!"

but theres one upside to bipolar disorder that nobody tells you. and that is that you have bipolar, and therefore are capable of telling the world of its existence and to get people to understand this incurable, disabling disorder with many facets from impulse control to mood swings to psychotic behavior to obsessive tendencies, and you have the power to let one more person in the world know its exists and to get them to learn more about it and respect and understand bipolar disorder. and that can make the world a little easier to live in when youre struggling with bipolar

[lurasposts]

adhd can be ignored (not really, actually) until you're forgetting some VERY important things. like completely erased it from your damn memory, like some incomplete camera frames. you can't be sure of anything.

it's like.. when faced with something even remotely "serious" or "formal" or public you just kind of let your body went on autopilot without realizing, while your mind either keep buzzing noisily OR some strange silence where you can't take in anything in front of you. or keep thinking about something unrelated to the "serious" thing that is currently happening in the present, which make you forget EVERYTHING. and then you looked back, messed up, and then everyone asking "how could you forget such important things? it was supposed to be obvious." and you wouldn't have a damn clue WHY

because– I don't know? i can't control this, either. what the hell am i supposed to do then? I'll keep messing up on things I'm SUPPOSED to be paying attention on, but i just? forget? and no one will get it and you just make a fool out of yourself.

it's like you were not yourself at that moment and looking back is like trying to press play on an old broken recording with blank scenes in the middle (in the most important part)

it's as if you were in an adrenaline rush or something where you need to FOCUS you told yourself to do everything correctly and normally, but that is exactly what makes you do the opposite. I'm trying to be calm when i was not calm, i tried to stop moving, but the price of it is that i lost in my head, to distract myself, or to stop, or try to "look" like i have it together, to look like i was listening, to look like i was paying attention. masking. but it just builds up in my head? and reality pulls me back out and that's when i cannot remember most of the things i just did during that "trance" and how the hell am i supposed to explain all of this to a normal person?

one of the most frustrating parts about this is that i can't really say anything about it, I'm suck at explain things, and people won't get it, which is fair, because i couldn't understand how "normal" people's brain work either. but this shit is running and ruining my life at the same time and i need to talk to somebody about this but I can't. they'd just dismissed it as nothing. that it isn't real. nothing is ever real. i look "too normal" to be in the spectrum, I'm an adult now, and the mask is slipping. it keeps slipping but no one believes you because you were "normal" as a kid. but who's to say to that? i was just trying to fit in, copying what people did, trying to look normal (which failed miserably since I only managed to look oddly repressed and impossibly restrained instead of actually fitting in), and on the other hand i also don't have proof that any of this is real. what if i just making things up? i know at this point that everything is real for me, but is something really happening of no one knows about it? the tree is not falling if nobody could hear or see it. i could go to a basic psychiatrist or therapist, but they don't get it. they don't connect the dots. they keep treating me like I'm a kid for some reason. it makes me wonder if it's me who can't think, or if it's them.

anyways i just. i have no idea what to do. this is beyond my control. this is an illness. I'm literally sick and i need meds in order to live like a normal person, like it's my life support. but they opposed the idea of psychiatrist bc "it made you addicted" and psychiatrist in this country really don't give a fuck, they strictly just give you meds and then bye. but what if i NEED 'em drugs like a freaking life support? to fix my screwed up nervous system or something in my brain or something. what if i was just wired differently which is very real and significantly makes life more difficult than normal people, and it was not unlike a disability albeit not physical. but no one can see it what is real and what's not? am i exaggerating? am i being overdramatic? am i old enough and i should just suck it up and get my life together?

but what if I'm just PHYSICALLY unable to? cuz sometimes i feel like i have no control over my own body. like my head, mouth, hands, and feet are separate entities and "I" just watch them all dragging my life downhill from the bylines, aware but not in control? (and sometimes not even aware of what i was doing until i get out of my head)

then what?

I'm so jealous of people who have access to be able to 'fix' or at least managed it. this shit gnaw on your damn soul.

[batsarebetterthanpeople]

Man those people on your ‘why are you straight edge’ poll are really showing their disdain for people who engage with any sort of drug… if I may add, I voted for having a medical restriction (my liver is failing thank youuuu immune system) AND I also take prescription opiate medication to help with pain. Every time I take my painkillers on days where I’m not working so that I can enjoy my hobbies I have complicated feelings about it because anti opiate rhetoric is just EVERYWHERE and it’s like… I just want to have a nice day. Getting over the ‘oh but it can be ADDICTIVE’ stigma is so important and it’s really not different just because I have a prescription. People who are so nasty about drug use for recreation are so stressful to me.

Ikr it's like people have such disdain for addicts, and drug users in general. I get upset about this because while I personally am a very casual user and I spend most of the time sober and am self assured so I can walk people being dicks about it off, but I know addicts and their lives are hard enough without all the stigma piled on top of it. I just wish everyone could be addiction neutral and pro harm reduction but they're so moralistic about it. I wasnt the politest I could have been about people not drinking and having sex because I was trying to keep it light and I know people take things like this really serious and it kinda backfired.

But like I totally know what you mean about the opioid thing. I really think that our society could benefit from being a little more addiction neutral, because yeah sometimes substance dependency does ruin your life, but I'm neurodivergent and I've met people where I think that doing life with drugs is better for them. Like you raise a great point about opioids. They're dangerous and addictive but if you're in pain because of a disability you need pain management. It's not really an option if you want to lead a normal life. There's a lot of heroin addicts who got that way because they needed pain management and their doctors refused them on the basis that they might become addicted, but taking a daily pill to improve your life, while it may be illegal depending on the substance, isn't bad. I bring up my own neurodivergence because I've heard of the same thing with ADHD and stimulants. Most people who have an ADHD diagnosis can get an Adderall prescription, but undiagnosed people and people falling through insurance cracks will sometimes turn to the street version. And it's like those people, both the ones with a script and the ones who are self medicating, should not be forced to live a substandard life because of someone else imagines there's some purity to a life without drugs. The goal should be to get those people the drugs they need in the safest way possible.

And I come down really easy, to the point where I forget to take prescription meds and don't experience any ill effects, but I have a friend who experiences a come down from their adhd meds thats not unlike the comedown ive seen from my other friend who's a meth user, and this friend with the ADHD meds can't function without them. But when the doctor and the pharmacist get them their meds on time they live a perfectly happy fulfilling life. That's what I mean when I say I'm addiction neutral. Most people who get addicted didn't just pick up heroin or whatever one day for shits and giggles. When I fuck around with "highly addictive" substances I make sure I'm in a good place and it's not a problem to drop them. People who develop problems are usually either they're escaping from something or self medicating. The goal for society can't be to never do drugs we've had drugs literally for longer than we've been humans.

I've heard second hand of a study which I haven't gone looking for, I might, because as you can tell this is a bit of a soap box for me, where they gave Heroin addicts a prescribed dose of heroin like you would pick up Percocet for chronic pain at a pharmacy, and because those addicts weren't shooting up mystery amounts and worrying where they were going to get their next hit from so they didn't start rattling and all the other things that make addicts lives hell, they were able to start doing things like holding down jobs. That study should have been a game changer. I want addicts to be able to live, and selfishly I want to be able to go to the drug store when I'm bored and say "one mdma high no fentanyl please" and leave with something to spice up the afternoon. That's like, not a moral failing on my part even though I'm not self medicating I'm just having fun.

The way the war on drugs has ruined drugs, which like, genuinely drugs are sort of magical when you think about it. Not just the fun ones either. Like when I was a baby I had a really bad bladder infection that absolutely would have killed me if I had had that same situation just like 100 years ago, but my mom was able to force a pill down my throat and it went away. Since then I've probably had at least a dozen little things like that that would have killed me dead if someone hadn't invented a chemical that could interact with my body and make it genuinely not a problem. and the fact that we have that for things like chronic pain and we're too afraid to use it because of stigma is so insane. Like god forbid people get high.