#adhd stuff

[bishkebab]

Derin said more or less what I was thinking as I read through this, which is that my metric for what I should and should not be able to do myself is skewed; I can do a lot of things that other people can’t, and expect that of myself (former gifted child syndrome) but I have deficits I’m extremely aware of in other areas that cause me subconscious shame, so when I’m struggling with something and I either assume it should be obvious or I don’t *know* if it should be obvious or not, my default is to struggle through it myself. This has caused much of my advancement academically and in my career, but it’s also contributed highly to burnout.

I realized the other day that the reason I didn't watch much TV as a teenager (and why I'm only now catching up on late aughts/early teens media that I missed), is because I literally didn't understand how to use our TV. My parents got a new system, and it had three remotes with a Venn diagram of functions. If someone left the TV on an unfamiliar mode, I didn't know how to get back to where I wanted to be, so I just stopped watching TV on my own altogether.

I explained all this to my therapist, because I didn't know if this was more related to my then-unnoticed autism, or to my relationship with my parents at the time (we had issues less/unrelated to neurodivergency). She told me something interesting.

In children's autism assessments, a common test is to give them a straightforward task that they cannot reasonably perform, like opening an overtight jar. The "real" test is to see, when they realize that they cannot do it on their own, if they approach a caregiver for help. Children that do not seek help are more likely to be autistic than those that do.

This aligns with the compulsory independence I've noticed to be common in autistic adults, particularly articulated by those with lower support needs and/or who were evaluated later in life. It just genuinely does not occur to us to ask for help, to the point that we abandon many tasks that we could easily perform with minor assistance. I had assumed it was due to a shared common social trauma (ie bad experiences with asking for help in the past), but the fact that this trait is a childhood test metric hints at something deeper.

My therapist told me that the extremely pathologizing main theory is that this has something to do with theory of mind, that is doesn't occur to us that other people may have skills that we do not. I can't speak for my early childhood self, or for all autistic people, but I don't buy this. Even if I'm aware that someone else has knowledge that I do not (as with my parents understanding of our TV), asking for help still doesn't present itself as an option. Why?

My best guess, using only myself as a model, is due to the static wall of a communication barrier. I struggle a lot to make myself understood, to articulate the thing in my brain well enough that it will appear identically (or at least close enough) in somebody else's brain. I need to be actively aware of myself and my audience. I need to know the correct words, the correct sentence structure, and a close-enough tone, cadence, and body language. I need draft scripts to react to possible responses, because if I get caught too off guard, I may need several minutes to construct an appropriate response. In simple day-to-day interactions, I can get by okay. In a few very specific situations, I can excel. When given the opportunity, I can write more clearly than I am ever capable of speaking.

When I'm in a situation where I need help, I don't have many of my components of communication. I don't always know what my audience knows. I don't have sufficient vocabulary to explain what I need. I don't know what information is relevant to convey, and the order in which I should convey it. I don't often understand the degree of help I need, so I can come across inappropriately urgent or overly relaxed. I have no ability to preplan scripts because I don't even know the basic plot of the situation.

I can stumble though with one or two deficiencies, but if I'm missing too much, me and the potential helper become mutually unintelligible. I have learned the limits of what I can expect from myself, and it is conceptualized as a real and physical barrier. I am not a runner, so running a 5k tomorrow does not present itself as an option to me. In the same way, if I have subconscious knowledge that an interaction is beyond my capability, it does not present itself as an option to me. It's the minimum communication requirements that prevent me from asking for help, not anything to do with the concept of help itself.

Maybe. This is the theory of one person. I'm curious if anyone else vibes with this at all.

[anarchistfrogposting]

Having ADHD is like,,, I need a new hyperfixation to feel normal but if I get a new hyperfixation I won’t be able to focus on sorting my life out. So I guess I’m just stuck here

[angelsonthesideline]

[bibliocharlie]

the most helpful thing i have ever seen from neurodivergent internet spaces is “THERE ARE OTHER TIMES OF DAY TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH”. this has genuinely saved me from executive dysfunction spirals so many times.

[m0thmancore]

hey can we talk at some point about how having adhd makes you way more likely to be depressed because literally nothing you need to do to be a functioning adult gives you any happiness at all

like this is an actual statistical problem

[honeypleasejustkillme]

no one talks about the rage you feel when u realize that every adult in your life has failed u

[cookthepenguin]

The adhd urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)

[frankieroslesbian]

Nah man having intense hyperfixations as a neurodivergent person is probably the most isolating feeling in the world

Like all I can think about is this specific thing but I'm not allowed talk about it because it doesn't interest anyone else around me. So instead it just builds up to the point where I feel like I'm going to explode

[seweage-monster]

All of you complain about overstimulation and sensory overload

We need to talk about under stimulation. I’m not saying I want to be overloaded with information. No I mean when I get panic attacks because there is not enough self stimulation in a situation. I have to walk out of meetings to pace around and think to calm myself down because my fight or flight response has activated from being not being able to stim.

I get so anxious when I cannot listen to music or have something playing in the background because I need stimulation that I choose to have and which I have control over

It physically hurts my brain.

[beenovel]

Pro tip for people looking for meds or diagnosis. DO NOT MASK in front of a psychiatrist. I went in for an evaluation with a new psychiatrist this week with the goal of getting meds and I was just fully myself during the interview like bouncing my knees, only looking at him occasionally, breaking off mid-sentence to ask about the room decor (“were you in the Air Force? That’s a really cool chess set. Is that a Star Wars tie????”). And he did not even hesitate when I told him I was there to get adderall or another med he was just like “yup makes sense, let’s talk about your options”.

In the past I’ve always really struggled (and still do!) with masking around other people especially if they’re new, and this has sometimes made it difficult to get meds because I mask so well that sometimes professionals haven’t believed me when I said I was struggling because I looked fine.

Edit: I’ve seen a lot of people saying “it’s so hard to unmask though!” and yeah, it is. For me it was physically painful and nearly impossible. So I faked it. I bounced my leg, I wouldn’t look the provider in the face, I interrupted myself, I rubbed my palms on my legs and none of it was natural. I faked it all. And I did that over and over and over until it was real. Until I was comfortable enough with being odd to actually unmask

[llove-r]

my toxic trait is thinking I can learn something I’ve never done before like play guitar or crochet in 2 hours or less and if I can’t it’s simply because I’m just not good at it

[turns-out-its-adhd]

[anarchywoofwoof]

my dear babies who grew up with undiagnosed adhd who are now medicated adults and still struggling, this ones for you.

let me give you a cute tip ok? ready?

you don't have to do things as fast as possible

ok i know that this is jarring to read, but stay with me. you may be having the realization at this very moment that every single task that you have ever undertaken in your life, your goal was to complete it as quickly as you possibly could. and maybe you're medicated now or maybe you aren't. but this has always been your philosophy.

this is not actually necessary and not how neurotypical people view things like tasks or responsibilities

a real life example of how this information has changed the way that i behave and has had a positive effect on my mental health:

i noticed that when getting ready to take my dog for a walk, my primary goal has always been to get the harness and leash on her and get out the door as quickly as i can. for no reason other than i was lead to believe as a kid that faster = efficient = better. however, there are other factors, such as: i sweat very easily and moving around at a fast pace trying to collect all of the things i need to rush out the door exacerbates this. these combination of factors results in me getting highly irritable and overstimulated.

i later realized that this is the way that i get ready to leave the house no matter what i am doing

now, when i am getting ready to take my dog for a walk, i purposefully do everything at half speed. i gather stuff slower. i move through the house slower. i put the harness on slower. i clip the leash slower. i open the door slower. i make a conscious effort to do everything almost in a way that feels like slow motion to me.

and you know what? applying this behavior to almost every single task or activity that i have to do results in me having a significant magnitude less anxiety than if i am in my usual "do this task as if you are racing against an invisible clock" state of mind.

the old saying "slow down to speed up" is quite poignant when it comes to dealing with neurodivergency, especially adhd. even if you're medicated, you may still be consistently making mistakes because you're probably still moving with a level of urgency that is unwarranted. you're not in a race. it's ok to do things using inefficient methods, especially if it is a benefit to your mental well-being.

[nonbinary-vents]

Being a creative with adhd is so weird because you want to make things so badly but your brain is just refusing to, so you’re just stuck there replaying the exact scene or piece of dialogue or drawing or cinematic shot in your mind while not actually being able to do anything. But at the same time the adhd is actively giving you unique creative experiences and ideas and it feels like a fundamental part of you as an artist. It’s such an interesting dichotomy of feeling the thing that you want to make so strongly and wanting nothing more than to just pour it all out but also being completely unable to do it, and that coming from the same source. But then also you have to live through said dichotomy and it just becomes completely and overwhelmingly exhausting.

[toomuchdivergentformyneuro]

can we talk about the shame that comes along with having ADHD?

the shame that hits you when you walk around your messy, cluttered room, knowing you don’t yet have the motivation or hyperfocus to clean it, even though you want to.

the shame that hits you when you retell a story for the thousandth time and the person you’re talking to gets bored or annoyed or confused by it, cuz you couldn’t remember you had told it before.

the shame that hits you when you ask someone to repeat what they’re saying multiple times because you keep forgetting or you just can’t hear them.

the shame that hits you when you forget something super important after you leave for a trip, and you ask to go back for it.

the shame that hits you when you know you’re overanalyzing something someone said to you, but it still hurts.

the shame that hits you when you snap at people who are just talking to you while you’re hyperfocused.

the shame that hits you when you realize you don’t remember jackshit about your life, you don’t have any memories, and you wonder what it was all like.

the shame that hits you when someone asks you to just shut up or sit still after you were just expressing your emotions, your happiness even, but were just a little too loud about it.

all the shame. over everything. we should talk about that all more.

[angelasscribbles]

Executive Dysfunction is Fun (Not)