#DIDNT EVEN PROOFREAD AND FIX GRANMAR AND SPELLING!!! 😭😭😭😭😭 just gonna stay like this

[autisticlee]

any other autistic/adhd/dissociative/disabled-in-general person forced to do thjngs that you know you shouldn't do because huge safety issue or can't do it correctly or causes severe pain and do it so poorly it affects your health or safety or life in very negative ways? but you have no choice but to out yourself in danger?

for example, I always see posts like "other people complain they were forced to do a thing but they can still do it so that means they cant complain since i literally cant do it at all" basically. no sympathy for people forced to do dangerous and unsafe and painful and scary things! sounds very dismissive! I see driving as one example a lot. others say they simply cannot because *list of reasons*. but what if you were forced even though you have still those reasons?

another common one is making food for yourself. "I'll be very malnutritioned if i'm forced to" what if you are forced to make your own food and live off bare minimun so ARE malnutritioned and just have to accept health issues that come with it? sometimes see people can't go places alone because it's dangerous. what if you had to anyway and just have to deal with people harassing you and trying to kidnap you and can't ask or scream for help and no one takes you seriously when you tell the stories if you're lucky to get away? or can't do a thing because it's painful. imagine accepting the pain without treatment and giving up on living a good life. or cant get a job but forced to work a job with family who makes you stay even when job tears your body apart and makes you very depressed because you hate it but have bills and parents wont pay for everything and dismiss your struggles and force you to be "adult" alone.

anyone else forced to do these things they know they can't and just have to suffer consequences of it alone? I never see posts like this. saw a couple posts by people who don't do these things and dismiss people struggling and being forced to do them because they decided it means we "can" so arent allowed to complain because it "dismisses/talks over people like them who cant" but that's doing the same thing! right???? dismissing other people by claiming they talk over and dismiss you is still dismissive. there can be multiple voices at once! is not a competition!

often see posts talking about "I can't be forced because I cant do it" but people recognize that and help them in life. i'm glad they have help! don't see as many posts about how hard it is to be forced when you know you can't and should not but still have to. because!!!!! just because you are forced to do a thing doesn't mean you ~actually can do it~ or should be. you can be forced into danger every time and have very bad things happen. no choice but to accept the bad things and deal with them. and that can be super scary and frustrating and stressful!!!!! not fair if we can't talk about that!!!!

for food, of my mom doesn't make something j can eat, I have to make my own. cannot cook. can't follow directions. cooking is sensory overwhelming. can't stand in place for long. for some reason makes me really dizzy and pain and stuff. so go sit down and get distracted and ruin food every time. lose appetite after cooking and can't eat it. so now only eat cereal and protein bars and microwave meals. very not healthy. probably ads to health issues. am malnutritioned. can't get everything needed. but have no choice because mom won't cook extra meals.

going places alone? tried for last 15 years to make friends to go places with. family hardly ever does things with me. can't make friends. have to go places alone. can't advocate for self. have speech loss every time I leave the house (most days can't say words in general. talking very hard. have very bad intermittent/selective mutism/speech issues. most days can't say words at all. sometimes can recite scripts but usually can't even do that) so can't ask for help. physically can't yell, just unable. talk very quiet when saying any words so no one hears/understands or people misunderstand and either not get whst wanted/needed it people get angry.

somehow bad people attracted to me and always single me out. homeless people always sprint over to me from idk where. ignore everyone else. always jumpscared by them because look at ground or phone when walking. they follow and [[[tw ahead]]] make gross sexual comments and describe things they will do to me. some threaten to kill me and describe in detail how. had one follow for an hour and not leave. had creepy white van parked against my car with back door and saw no one inside and I still got in my car quickly. van suddenly turned on and drove away so someone WAS in it. and didn't realize until I got home how dangerous thst was. had many people follow me at night. had one person grab me and not let go and try to drag me away. dissociated so bad have no memory of how I even got away....autistic brain so sensory overloaded it blocks everything out. dissociates. cannot be aware of my surroundings to spot danger. just incapable! but no one takes me seriously when try to talk about it!!!!

driving? yes I drive. should I be allowed? absolutely not. I know I should not. but don't have a choice, so do dangerous things, hoping people around me can avoid when I do wrong things and pay more attention.

was forced to learn. took 4 years to get license and barely passed the last time. was 1 point away from failure. but live in rural-ish area where everything is far away. is 35-45 minutes to doctors for example. parents womt drive me. they work. don't have friends or other help. was forced to try college (or face being kicked out of home if I didn't try. was 35 minute drive so had to drive self. failed out after a year) and etc. did not want to. fought and argued and cried and melted down begging to not but was punished and threatened. didnt want kicked out in streets alone. is always my dads threat when I don't do what he wants.

so tried my best. drive slow and cautiously as possible. takes at lest 10 minutes longer to get anywhere. brain often dissociate while driving and don't even know how I got there. don't remember the drive. when not dissociating i notice many wrongs. very adhd brain always distracts me. drive off side of road often looking at things. go through red lights all the time and forget to stop at stop signs. accidentally change lanes without noticing I even chnaged. accidentally run people off road/out of their lane all the time.....and etc.

autistic brain always very overwhelmed. too many rules to remember. never remember them and di it wrong. always breaking rules accidentally. too much sensory stuff. too much happening. very! slow! reaction! time! almost hit others many times. have hit things. hit a car once but for some reason they kept going and didn't stop????? guess they didnt care??? idk. confusion!!! but somehow nothing severe yet...have to rely on others to out maneuver my bad driving. brain gets mixed signals a lot. will see break lights ahead way down street and think oh stop. so stop on middle of road for no reason when no one stopped directly in front and light is green or opposite will see light green and ignore break lights in front and almost slam into car. have almost run over many people because don't notice them and they run away in time then scream and are mad. always get lost even with GPS. struggle to understand GPS. go wrong way. drive up one ways wrong way. drive where there's no road, over curbs, through grass, confusing myself and everyone around. cant see at night barely especially when raining so is always extra scary and more broken rules...and many other reasons driving is bad and unsafe for me.

so am forced. have no choice. but KNOW I shouldn't. am danger to myself and everyone around me. I KNOW that but no one believes or cares because no one wants to drive me anywhere and says im lazy. doesn't understand my struggle and how dangerous. when people make me drive them they yell and freak out entire time making it harder!!!! try to avoid driving as much as possible. only haven't gotten in major accidents so far because i live in more rural area and not city so less people/cars. try super hard to concentrate and go slower than supposed to and let other people avoid my bad driving usually. concentrating makes me fall asleep so another bad thing. always fall asleep while driving. because too stressed so brain tries shutting down. if not falling asleep then dissociating.

know I shoukd not be on road because it's dangerous for me and others. but have no choice. so will keep being danger until something very bad happens and have "valid excuse" to not drive......no one listens to my concerns so need to drive to not miss appointments and stuff anyway. sighs.

where is sympathy for people like me? why is it always "can drive vs can't drive" why there never anyway who can't drive but still has to??? just because you do a thing you were forced to doesn't mean you should!!!!!!!!!! and doesn't mean you *can* if you always do it wrong and it's super dangerous!!!! "can" meaning allowed is different from "can" meaning able. you can be allowed to do a thing you're unable to do, so that means you do the thing, but very poorly and unsafe and wrong.

do you know how scary and frustrating it is?! how stressful?! I feel so sick every time I have to drive. catch so many mistakes and probably not catch all. people mad and beep horn constantly. makes me drive worse every time!!!! ban horns! hurts my ears!!!! go around! disabled driver trying their best. stop making it worse and harder! 😭😭😭😭 just pretend it's a video game

I know someone might read and think i'm saying "I can do it so you can" NO OPPOSITE I know you can't do it. but doesn't mean I "can" and should! I also should not. but don't like when people say "I literally can't so stop complaining you're forced/have no choice so have to do it anyway. I don't have choice either and dont. that means you can do it so stop complaining" and stuff like that. glad you weren't forced and threatened to be kicked out of home if you dont pass and can get others to drove you when you need. sometimes desperate times means you do dangerous things you can't. imagine of you actually have to do it anyway and just have to accept you will break rules and hurt yourself and others. it's scary!!!!! and not fair!! dont want you to suffer that. but not fair I can't complain about it! not fair I cant say "I can't do this bit am forced anyway" when clearly I should not be allowed a license!!!! or operate vehicles!!!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 sometimes intrusive thoughts tell me crash car on purpose so lisence is taken and don't have to drive anymore. but then will be isolated in house and never go to appointments ever again and family will punish me and cant escape them because can't leave. don't want that on anyone and sorry to everyone who experiences that! trying my best to avoid that though...

this isn't to everyone who is disabled/autistic and can't drive or do other stuff. just dont think people will understand and will think i'm attacking when i'm not. Just talking about personal experience and hoping others relate and hoping to not be dismissed again. higher needs people cannot. I know! Just trying to see if anyone else understands!!!! i'm probably medium needs? need help but pass enough to never get any and always have to put self in danger and sruff. but some lower needs make posts they cannot drive and didnt even try fkr example. just afraid because they know they can't. (again not saying they can and should try. good for them keeping that boundary!) but they have choice not to because have people to drive them or have public transport i dont have. understandable. is scary. glad you don't have to and stay safe.

but sometimes feels like they dismiss my struggles and say they think just because I do it means I *can* and they would never. but that "can" is being forced to break laws and rules and causing accidents and being very dangerous to everyone and myself!!!! but having no choice but to do the bad dangerous things anyway because the alternative can be worse. that's the problem. 😭😭😭😭 where are posts about this? anyone understand and have same experiences? or sympathy for people like me that doesnt feel dismissive? 😭😭😭😭😭😭

"I can't do it. I know bad thing will happen. so i dont" VS "I can't do it. I know bad thing will happen. but i'm forced to make bad thing happen anyway" are 2 ideas that can both exist!