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giantkillerjack · 2 years ago

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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

Plain-text version:

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

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overlymetaromantic · 2 years ago

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*slaps Loid like I’m a salesperson showing off a new car*: you can pack so much anxiety into this one man

#spy x family #loid forger #anya forger #sxf #spy family #loid x yor #yor x loid #twiyor #it's there if you read the text lol #twilight #if you do actually read the text please know I am very impressed #poor loid man he's in the one industry where his constant paranoia is actually justified #I'd say he should see a therapist but considering he's currently impersonating one I don't think it'd actually help #I haven't made multiple fanarts in a row in eons what is this 2017 #let's pretend I can draw

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thedisablednaturalist · 1 year ago

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I think when people think of mental illness and what helps, especially with things like anxiety and depression, the treatment involves pushing yourself. Pushing yourself to get out of bed, to exercise, to take a shower, to go out in public, to order your own food from the cashier, etc.

And because the mental health movement has grown so much, people think that's the default of ALL illnesses. That the only way someone will get better is if they push themselves. That practice makes perfect. That you'll become more comfortable or strong over time the more you do something.

But what people need to realize is, with physical disabilities and chronic illnesses, pushing yourself in most cases is DETRIMENTAL. Pushing yourself past your limits can lead to flare ups or further injury. That's why it's important to know your limits, how certain activities may affect your condition, and learn how to either adapt or get help to complete the activity in question.

Also, most of us are already pushing ourselves. Most of us don't have access to the help or equipment we need. Most of us live in places where we frequently encounter inaccessible obstacles. Most of us NEED to rest.

So please don't try to be our physical therapists or doctors. There are people specifically trained to help us navigate our own conditions and limitations. There are people trained to help us strengthen our body's resilience without causing flare-ups or injury. Do not tell us "it'll be good for you" or "you need the exercise" when we say something is too heavy or too far or when we say we need our mobility aid(s). Your friend with depression may need to be encouraged to get out of bed, but your friend with chronic illness definitely doesn't.

Respect our rest.

#wrenfea.exe #DISCLAIMER: dont take this as me saying you should be pushing your mentally ill friends #this is more about how physical conditions often differ in how they are treated #also dont like. force your friends or anyone with anxiety to do things they dont want to #thats what therapists are for #also most mental illnesses require medication alongside therapy before they can get better #but even chronic illnesses and disabilities that benefit from exercise still require knowing your limits #and not being pressured to push past them #ive noticed some professionals who help both mentally and physically ill patients tend towards the push method #like my therapist and sometimes my counselors fall back on that method #and i have to remind them i am already pushing myself #and i need to adapt rather than push forward #chronic disability #chronic pain #spoonie #disability #chronic illness #cripple punk #cripplepunk #cpunk

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thisisadonaldduckblognow · 2 years ago

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all the rise boys get done dirty on characterization by fandom in different ways i think. (not ALL the time every fanwork etc etc these are just like, trends i tend to notice?) every fandom suffers from losing character nuance.

- leo i’ve talked about plenty on this blog, how some of his canon traits (genuine belief in his skill and cockiness, capacity for joy, his manipulativeness whether for good or ill) seem to get watered down or wiped off the board and supplemented with generic sad boy. his struggles with purpose and identity and not wanting to fail somehow morph into “he hates and completely holds no value for himself”

- donnie’s canon personality gets blurred out and largely replaced with whatever list of Neurodivergent Traits. and i think there’s such a fine line to walk between exploring a character that’s been word of god confirmed as on the spectrum and overwriting what’s canonically there. it’s a hard needle to thread. it also feels like a lot of his canon emotiveness gets left off the table for some reason. bc he does have his moments of flat/deadpan delivery, but a lot of the time he’s honestly very emotive. he has the passion of a theatre kid and the vindictiveness of... also a theatre kid. and the mind of a scientist.

- raph loses so much of his rowdy teen boy energy it’s kind of wild? like interpretations sand off that he’s also impulsive and can be reckless and dumb and LOVES fighting and roughhousing and isn’t the most eloquent person. suddenly there’s this pitch perfect soft boy big bro who would never hurt a fly and always says the exact right supportive thing and singlehandedly raised his 3 brothers (which simultaneously sands off all the nuance of splinter’s issues emotionally connecting with his sons and how that affected all of them). and like i LOVE raph, he’s so full of love and care and anxiety, he clearly has learned to put a lot of work into being aware of his strength and size. but there’s a difference you know?

- mikey is like. where raph gets overparentified by fanon, mikey gets over “family therapist”-ed IMO. the impulsiveness, the goofiness, the powerful emotions including a VERY powerful temper, the flat-out dumb teen boy choices... they get ignored. suddenly there’s this only very sweet and earnest boy who has read a hundred psychology books and runs group family therapy weekly or something. he is crying in his room bc leo and raph are arguing about something. which is so. he IS very sweet and can be very earnest and is full of love! he HAS come in with his opinions and unsolicited advice a couple of times and life coached for the greater good. but there’s a difference between what he does in canon and the role he gets in fanon.

#rottmnt #rise of the tmnt #idk this is not a very eloquent rundown its very hard to explain exactly my vibe #ig the long story short is i feel like a lot of their most interesting and fun qualities get left in the dust #mikey as family therapist is getting under my skin the most rn i think its just so.#for as much as it seems like his brothers try to shelter him (esp raph with his overprotectiveness)..... i just dont see it #i dont see his brothers and definitely not his dad putting their issues on him like that...#him dragging donnie into that one dr feelings session and dragging draxum into a new moral alignment were different #than 'yeah everyone tells mikey their stuff and he has to do the labor of helping with it'#like it just doesnt vibe for me #i think he is very emotionally OPEN on all levels compared to his family #i think he is more likely to share when HE struggles #i dont think raph or leo is sitting with him at 3am like 'it all started when i was 4 and accidentally broke a plate' or what have you idk #it's all so ymmv i do just scroll past stuff i dont vibe with i dont drop hate on it i just #idk dudes its so hard to see the appeal in some of the choices made

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thatorangedrank · 2 years ago

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Little is Alyx 👎🏻

Little is Penny 👎🏻

Little is a reflection of Ruby in Vol.1 and is a physical representation of “healing your inner child” 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

#like seriously Little reminds me more of Ruby than Ruby herself right now #I relate to Ruby so much in just needing to be ok for everyone all the time for things to be stable #when WBY is talking about how they bring her up by saying ‘we count on you’ and ‘you can do it’ and that’s basically what I heard growin up #my therapist once told me that you have to be the friend and caretaker for that little girl who always had to be ok #that she is still inside of my heart and that I’m the only one who can be there for her now #and something about… making sure my inner child feels safe reminds me so much of Ruby’s relationship with Little #also Little’s mannerisms are just … so v.1 Ruby it’s just uncanny #’I want to help even though I may not know how’#that’s blind Ruby optimism if I’ve ever seen it #rwby #rwby spoilers #rwby9 #rwby volume 9 #rwby ruby rose #rwby v9 #rwby volume 9 spoilers #rwby theory #ruby rose

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triglycercule · 1 month ago

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mtt therapy moment except dust keeps taking breaks to talk to phantom papyrus and horror just wants this to hurry up so it can get to his turn because he couldn't give two shits about dust and killer's trauma and killer physically cannot discuss his issues and just starts zoning out while crying for some reason during it

and i'm the therapist listening to all of this writing down notes fervently because ITS CANON MATERIAL CANON I NEED TO GET THE CANON MATERIAL

#i have to break apart like 34 potential fights with my otherdimensional godly creator powers #i would be an ass therapist i will not lie. infact i would make them worse with my knowledge of their lives. never put me in a room w them #OH MY GOD I JUST REVISTED THIS IDEA AFTER LEAVING IT TO COLLECT DUST (hehehe) IN MY DRAFYS FOR A MONTH #ANS TJIS IS SO FUCKING FUNNY HELP 😭😭😭😭😭 HELP😭😭😭😭😭😭#still real tho highkey i havent changed 1 bit. ITS CANON OMG WRITE THSY DOWN WHAY WERE THE EXACT REACTIONS #ive got these guys wearing microphones i got cameras in the room i got advanced psychologists watching to explain every detail #is it a therapy session or just a badly disguised interview #nooo nooo its therapy......DONT LEAVS!!!! (activates the chains (that coincidentally all are connected to eachother) (heheheheh))#now youCANT leave😈😈😈😈😈 not until im done asking my questions ASSHOLES. dont question the handcuffs that keep you guys together please #actually id probably get like nothing out of them because theyre all repressed and defensive and whatever. BUT im simply more determined so #tricule rant #killer sans #horror sans #dust sans #murder time trio #utmv #sans au #fandom event if the mtt ever became real. we're all lining up to the facility to ask one question #world's hardest challenge: if you could ask the murder time trio one thing what would it be #FUCK idk...... id simply hav too many questions!!!! UGH!!!!!!!!!#triglycercule do your homework SHUT UO RESPONSIBLE VOICE IN MY HEAD!!!! I WONT!!!!! NOT UNTIL THIS IS DONE #fall headcanons for the trio when. i'll think of them once i'm done with homework #see a reward system! now i have a thought that i dont wanna say in tags this will be going to the side blog #anyways! i think that's enough drafts undrafted and posted i REALLY need to do my homework #i dont even have that much it's literally 2 assignments but i know damn well doing 1 of them is gonna bring me to dream and nightmare's age #sigh......... i hate school bring me back to summer break i wasSO productive. SMH

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torchstelechos · 4 months ago

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People be like, how you doing? And I'm like, Loop is never going to see their family again.

#Isat #Isat spoilers #Isat loop #I'm just. Thinking so hard.#About Loop and what happened at the end of the loops #And what dev said about when you restart the game #Is it a different loop is it the same loop will loop every be free?#Did loop wish themself into a new loop of helping other thems reach their goal?#Either way.... Loop will never see their family again. Because they have Changed and their family has not.#God fuck fuck I love them and I hate them in equal measures #If I ever met them I don't even know what I would do first #Probably give them contact information to a real good therapist???#But honestly I think I'd hug them if they'd let me cause I would burst into tears if they were real #Loop is my worst nightmare because I was loop and I think that's the bad part of the whole ordeal #What do you do when your family can not help you but you help yourself? Are the bonds the same? Different?#How do you reconcile that with your love for your family?#God this little bitch makes me feel so much

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m-a-r-i--c-h-a-t · 1 month ago

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but who told them all my distorted thoughts lmao

#miraculous ladybug #marigami #ladynoir #kagami #perfection #neurodivergent #autism #adhd #audhd #unmasking #mlb #mlb s5 #mlb caps #mlb capspam #and not ladybug trying to be a CBT therapist or something lol #i think DBT might help you more kagami chan #i know distorted thoughts is a CBT term but i'm just starting to explore DBT #what's their term automatic negative thoughts or something? that does make more sense #i don't wish anyone would disappear i just always isolate myself #and used to feel sad about it but now it feels kind of peaceful #i still have my family though so that helps #but i've accepted i don't have the energy to be social right now i only have enough capacity for work and family #and maybe someday i can try to (re)build friendships again idk #just like kagami i don't know how to be : (#i do also hate being perceived and wish i could be a hermit sometimes lol #i used to be so certain about what the “perfect” i wanted to strive for was and had so many rules for myself in order to appear acceptable #but now that i know i was being excessively literal and perfect doesn't exist - i don't know what's acceptable or safe or “normal” enough #i feel like i'm in a cocoon or something trying to figure out who i am #but i'm so different from how i was when i was trying to be perfect idk if anyone will like or accept this version of me #i'm also so shell shocked from life the past few years everything is hard lol

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harrylights · 1 month ago

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i guess another thing that I feel like might be worth sharing is that, like.

when my dad first passed, the only way I could cope was to block it out entirely. and i felt like i was losing my mind, but sometimes I’d literally have to tell myself shit like “that didn’t happen, he’s still here, everything is fine” to get through a busy day especially. and I was so scared to tell anyone that’s what I had to resort to. but my therapist told me it’s incredibly common. obviously at some point u have to come out of that and accept the reality of it, but that’s smth you can’t really force either. it’s okay to take however much time you need

our brains do weird things to cope and grieve. it’s okay. one step at a time. sometimes that means just coming up with a way to get through the next hour, sometimes even just ten minutes. I hate that so many people have to learn what this kinda thing feels like but at least we have each other. pls don’t be afraid to reach out to ppl in the community, and if you have the space to do so, check in on your friends rn. the little things go a long way, now more than ever.

#also! my art therapist told me that repetitive art tasks like crocheting is a BIG way our brains can process smth like this #gives us smth to focus on and makes it feel a bit safer to let your mind wander sometimes #and then you also get a feeling of accomplishment or productivity without pushing yourself to do anything ‘huge’#even tho getting yourself to participate in whatever tactile thing you like doing can feel like climbing a mountain #anyway. all i can rly do is share what helped me and will continue to help me navigate all this #and again i’m here for all of u #ilysm #rowyn rambles

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youremyonlyhope · 1 year ago

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Living with Body Focused Repetitive Behaviors

Me: *Is super stressed over life.*

Trichotillomania: Time to pull some hair! C'mon. You won't even notice you're doing it. It'll make you feel better.

Me: NO. *Spends 4 days putting hair in a mini twist protective style* There.

Dermatillomania: Hey. Your hands are free. And restless. And dry... Pick your skin. Bleed. Bleed.

Me: Stop! *Starts up a new crochet project to keep hands busy.* Ok cool.

Onychophagia: Hi hi. Your nails are.... perfect biting length... you should do that.

Me: Noooooooooooo *Paints nails.*

Dermatillomania: Oh look, you got some nail polish on your skin. Pick it off... now pick some more...

Me: SDJAKFDSJFKLDKAFDJKLAFJDKSAKLFDASL

#is this tmi? oh well. this is the tmi website #trichotillomania #dermatillomania #onychophagia #bfrb #body focused repetitive behavior #ocd #guys guess what? my therapist all but prescribed that i get a manicure to prevent picking at my skin #apparently after a year with this therapist i never mentioned my finger picking until this week #and she was like 'ok since you find it tough to paint them yourself get a manicure. self care and preventative'#because my cuticles are horrific due to me constantly picking at them and the sides of my fingers #so i've always been too embarrassed to go to a nail salon and my therapist was like 'exposure therapy!'#currently my nails are sloppily painted because i can't hold a brush still and they're already chipping after like 5 days #actually they probably started chipping on the second day honestly.#i need to redo my twists a bit which actually satisfies the trich urges since i'll be running my fingers through my hair to do it #but i won't actually be pulling. but also. i will be getting the shed hairs out. so. kind of fulfills that.#but right now my nails are long enough for me to feel them sometimes hit my keyboard. which. isn't normal for me.#and despite the nail polish i feel the urge to bite them shorter ahhhhh #anyway if you're Black with natural hair and have trich i HIGHLY suggest mini twists since it helps deter me from pulling #sure i have to redo it every few weeks but seriously. game changer. harder to find individual hairs to pull.

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irrealisms · 24 days ago

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rly like the contrast btwn "we sometimes do something called an active rescue for your safety but only for Good Reasons dont worry" and then you check literally any resource that Doesnt Call The Cops and theyre like "some hotlines do a thing called 'active rescue', also known as 'non-consensual intervention'" like.... ok. lol. fuck off.

#theres another person in the notes talking abt volunteering for a hotline and elaborating on the criteria for When They Do Active Rescue #which is helpful! it's good to know what puts you at risk of getting emergency services involved!#but 'crisis lines don't call the cops on people' is just factually inaccurate when applied to the US #and combined with 'in canada we call paramedics for your safety! dont scare people away from crisis lines!' ? literally FUCK you #they blocked me so i can be mean now.#therapists dni

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antisdonotinteract · 9 months ago

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peace was never an option (⁠´⁠-⁠﹏⁠-⁠`⁠；⁠)

✧~Best friend~✧ (*says's in Johnny's voice*) says the most inspirational and mind blowing thingsヾ⁠(⁠*⁠’⁠Ｏ⁠’⁠*⁠)⁠/ (credits : ✧⁠◝⁠ @yourthirdparent ⁠◜⁠✧)

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petiolata · 5 months ago

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Me finding out hyper-responsibility and responsibility OCD are a thing 😐 never read about a disorder/behavior that so specifically matched my weird f**king problems.