#what therapists do to help you | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

giantkillerjack · 2 years ago

Text

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

Plain-text version:

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

17K notes · View notes

thisisadonaldduckblognow · 2 years ago

Text

all the rise boys get done dirty on characterization by fandom in different ways i think. (not ALL the time every fanwork etc etc these are just like, trends i tend to notice?) every fandom suffers from losing character nuance.

- leo i’ve talked about plenty on this blog, how some of his canon traits (genuine belief in his skill and cockiness, capacity for joy, his manipulativeness whether for good or ill) seem to get watered down or wiped off the board and supplemented with generic sad boy. his struggles with purpose and identity and not wanting to fail somehow morph into “he hates and completely holds no value for himself”

- donnie��s canon personality gets blurred out and largely replaced with whatever list of Neurodivergent Traits. and i think there’s such a fine line to walk between exploring a character that’s been word of god confirmed as on the spectrum and overwriting what’s canonically there. it’s a hard needle to thread. it also feels like a lot of his canon emotiveness gets left off the table for some reason. bc he does have his moments of flat/deadpan delivery, but a lot of the time he’s honestly very emotive. he has the passion of a theatre kid and the vindictiveness of... also a theatre kid. and the mind of a scientist.

- raph loses so much of his rowdy teen boy energy it’s kind of wild? like interpretations sand off that he’s also impulsive and can be reckless and dumb and LOVES fighting and roughhousing and isn’t the most eloquent person. suddenly there’s this pitch perfect soft boy big bro who would never hurt a fly and always says the exact right supportive thing and singlehandedly raised his 3 brothers (which simultaneously sands off all the nuance of splinter’s issues emotionally connecting with his sons and how that affected all of them). and like i LOVE raph, he’s so full of love and care and anxiety, he clearly has learned to put a lot of work into being aware of his strength and size. but there’s a difference you know?

- mikey is like. where raph gets overparentified by fanon, mikey gets over “family therapist”-ed IMO. the impulsiveness, the goofiness, the powerful emotions including a VERY powerful temper, the flat-out dumb teen boy choices... they get ignored. suddenly there’s this only very sweet and earnest boy who has read a hundred psychology books and runs group family therapy weekly or something. he is crying in his room bc leo and raph are arguing about something. which is so. he IS very sweet and can be very earnest and is full of love! he HAS come in with his opinions and unsolicited advice a couple of times and life coached for the greater good. but there’s a difference between what he does in canon and the role he gets in fanon.

#rottmnt #rise of the tmnt #idk this is not a very eloquent rundown its very hard to explain exactly my vibe #ig the long story short is i feel like a lot of their most interesting and fun qualities get left in the dust #mikey as family therapist is getting under my skin the most rn i think its just so.#for as much as it seems like his brothers try to shelter him (esp raph with his overprotectiveness)..... i just dont see it #i dont see his brothers and definitely not his dad putting their issues on him like that...#him dragging donnie into that one dr feelings session and dragging draxum into a new moral alignment were different #than 'yeah everyone tells mikey their stuff and he has to do the labor of helping with it'#like it just doesnt vibe for me #i think he is very emotionally OPEN on all levels compared to his family #i think he is more likely to share when HE struggles #i dont think raph or leo is sitting with him at 3am like 'it all started when i was 4 and accidentally broke a plate' or what have you idk #it's all so ymmv i do just scroll past stuff i dont vibe with i dont drop hate on it i just #idk dudes its so hard to see the appeal in some of the choices made

2K notes · View notes

thatorangedrank · 2 years ago

Text

Little is Alyx 👎🏻

Little is Penny 👎🏻

Little is a reflection of Ruby in Vol.1 and is a physical representation of “healing your inner child” 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

#like seriously Little reminds me more of Ruby than Ruby herself right now #I relate to Ruby so much in just needing to be ok for everyone all the time for things to be stable #when WBY is talking about how they bring her up by saying ‘we count on you’ and ‘you can do it’ and that’s basically what I heard growin up #my therapist once told me that you have to be the friend and caretaker for that little girl who always had to be ok #that she is still inside of my heart and that I’m the only one who can be there for her now #and something about… making sure my inner child feels safe reminds me so much of Ruby’s relationship with Little #also Little’s mannerisms are just … so v.1 Ruby it’s just uncanny #’I want to help even though I may not know how’#that’s blind Ruby optimism if I’ve ever seen it #rwby #rwby spoilers #rwby9 #rwby volume 9 #rwby ruby rose #rwby v9 #rwby volume 9 spoilers #rwby theory #ruby rose

2K notes · View notes

torchstelechos · 6 months ago

Text

People be like, how you doing? And I'm like, Loop is never going to see their family again.

#Isat #Isat spoilers #Isat loop #I'm just. Thinking so hard.#About Loop and what happened at the end of the loops #And what dev said about when you restart the game #Is it a different loop is it the same loop will loop every be free?#Did loop wish themself into a new loop of helping other thems reach their goal?#Either way.... Loop will never see their family again. Because they have Changed and their family has not.#God fuck fuck I love them and I hate them in equal measures #If I ever met them I don't even know what I would do first #Probably give them contact information to a real good therapist???#But honestly I think I'd hug them if they'd let me cause I would burst into tears if they were real #Loop is my worst nightmare because I was loop and I think that's the bad part of the whole ordeal #What do you do when your family can not help you but you help yourself? Are the bonds the same? Different?#How do you reconcile that with your love for your family?#God this little bitch makes me feel so much

106 notes · View notes

ourtalechara · 1 month ago

Text

Remember that even if I am not currently acting obsessed with them, that does not mean I am not obsessed with them

26 notes · View notes

youremyonlyhope · 1 year ago

Text

Living with Body Focused Repetitive Behaviors

Me: *Is super stressed over life.*

Trichotillomania: Time to pull some hair! C'mon. You won't even notice you're doing it. It'll make you feel better.

Me: NO. *Spends 4 days putting hair in a mini twist protective style* There.

Dermatillomania: Hey. Your hands are free. And restless. And dry... Pick your skin. Bleed. Bleed.

Me: Stop! *Starts up a new crochet project to keep hands busy.* Ok cool.

Onychophagia: Hi hi. Your nails are.... perfect biting length... you should do that.

Me: Noooooooooooo *Paints nails.*

Dermatillomania: Oh look, you got some nail polish on your skin. Pick it off... now pick some more...

Me: SDJAKFDSJFKLDKAFDJKLAFJDKSAKLFDASL

#is this tmi? oh well. this is the tmi website #trichotillomania #dermatillomania #onychophagia #bfrb #body focused repetitive behavior #ocd #guys guess what? my therapist all but prescribed that i get a manicure to prevent picking at my skin #apparently after a year with this therapist i never mentioned my finger picking until this week #and she was like 'ok since you find it tough to paint them yourself get a manicure. self care and preventative'#because my cuticles are horrific due to me constantly picking at them and the sides of my fingers #so i've always been too embarrassed to go to a nail salon and my therapist was like 'exposure therapy!'#currently my nails are sloppily painted because i can't hold a brush still and they're already chipping after like 5 days #actually they probably started chipping on the second day honestly.#i need to redo my twists a bit which actually satisfies the trich urges since i'll be running my fingers through my hair to do it #but i won't actually be pulling. but also. i will be getting the shed hairs out. so. kind of fulfills that.#but right now my nails are long enough for me to feel them sometimes hit my keyboard. which. isn't normal for me.#and despite the nail polish i feel the urge to bite them shorter ahhhhh #anyway if you're Black with natural hair and have trich i HIGHLY suggest mini twists since it helps deter me from pulling #sure i have to redo it every few weeks but seriously. game changer. harder to find individual hairs to pull.

165 notes · View notes

harrylights · 4 months ago

Text

i guess another thing that I feel like might be worth sharing is that, like.

when my dad first passed, the only way I could cope was to block it out entirely. and i felt like i was losing my mind, but sometimes I’d literally have to tell myself shit like “that didn’t happen, he’s still here, everything is fine” to get through a busy day especially. and I was so scared to tell anyone that’s what I had to resort to. but my therapist told me it’s incredibly common. obviously at some point u have to come out of that and accept the reality of it, but that’s smth you can’t really force either. it’s okay to take however much time you need

our brains do weird things to cope and grieve. it’s okay. one step at a time. sometimes that means just coming up with a way to get through the next hour, sometimes even just ten minutes. I hate that so many people have to learn what this kinda thing feels like but at least we have each other. pls don’t be afraid to reach out to ppl in the community, and if you have the space to do so, check in on your friends rn. the little things go a long way, now more than ever.

#also! my art therapist told me that repetitive art tasks like crocheting is a BIG way our brains can process smth like this #gives us smth to focus on and makes it feel a bit safer to let your mind wander sometimes #and then you also get a feeling of accomplishment or productivity without pushing yourself to do anything ‘huge’#even tho getting yourself to participate in whatever tactile thing you like doing can feel like climbing a mountain #anyway. all i can rly do is share what helped me and will continue to help me navigate all this #and again i’m here for all of u #ilysm #rowyn rambles

39 notes · View notes

wishchip106 · 2 months ago

Text

i can feel a wave of depression building up rn ☹️😧

gonna read a bunch of cherik fics to settle it down before it gets too bad

#love having depression making me sad for no fuckin reason 🤨#if i didnt have a class soon i would watch dp #although don’t know how well that would help my mood #complete character butchering in it #charles got partially depressed after becoming bald #i feel you girl #i’m not bald tho #if someone tried to watch the xmen films in chronological order i wonder how confused they would be to see raven die and then come back #this is why you watch it by release order #still doesn’t make sense cause the writer haven’t got a clue on how to keep things consistent but anyway #my brain is being depressed but also trying to figure out how to structure a fic #i havent written one in years #i got the sense of it needing to be perfect first try #need to get rid of that mindset asap #i got the weirdest combo of being mentally ill and emotionally intelligent #it pisses me off sometimes #i don’t need a therapist i have myself telling me whats what #thats a lie i do need to talk to people #why can’t i think of cherik 24/7 why do i need to have problems? ☹️#anyway i’m bored and im gonna figure out what to do with myself before my class starts #prob read a fic figure out how these people write while also enjoy the stories #cherik #charles xavier #erik lehnsherr #x men #magneto #professor x

21 notes · View notes

artinvain · 1 month ago

Text

did anyone else unlock a majorly traumatic event from their childhood this holiday or???

#seriously my therapist is about to buy a house with my money #cause what the FUCK #THIS is why I hate a lot of my family bc y’all neglect children and expect them to be okay #and berate us when we’re not #like are you kidding why do you think we’re ALL doing drugs #like we ALL going to smoke #LITRALLY dying tho #like wow the pain of unlocked and unlock trauma ???#and my OCD AND PTSD #WOOOWWW #that cptsd is not a joke and she will kill you and currently she’s threatening my life #send sm help #lesbian #18+ mdni #men dni

17 notes · View notes

irrealisms · 3 months ago

Text

rly like the contrast btwn "we sometimes do something called an active rescue for your safety but only for Good Reasons dont worry" and then you check literally any resource that Doesnt Call The Cops and theyre like "some hotlines do a thing called 'active rescue', also known as 'non-consensual intervention'" like.... ok. lol. fuck off.

#theres another person in the notes talking abt volunteering for a hotline and elaborating on the criteria for When They Do Active Rescue #which is helpful! it's good to know what puts you at risk of getting emergency services involved!#but 'crisis lines don't call the cops on people' is just factually inaccurate when applied to the US #and combined with 'in canada we call paramedics for your safety! dont scare people away from crisis lines!' ? literally FUCK you #they blocked me so i can be mean now.#therapists dni

25 notes · View notes

antisdonotinteract · 11 months ago

Text

peace was never an option (⁠´⁠-⁠﹏⁠-⁠`⁠；⁠)

✧~Best friend~✧ (*says's in Johnny's voice*) says the most inspirational and mind blowing thingsヾ⁠(⁠*⁠’⁠Ｏ⁠’⁠*⁠)⁠/ (credits : ✧⁠◝⁠ @yourthirdparent ⁠◜⁠✧)

62 notes · View notes

petiolata · 7 months ago

Text

Me finding out hyper-responsibility and responsibility OCD are a thing 😐 never read about a disorder/behavior that so specifically matched my weird f**king problems.

Guess I will bring this up in therapy...

#ocd #responsibility OCD #hyper-responsibility #mental health #magical thinking #op #personal #finding this out is actually rather distressing #if only bc I know OCD stuff is a b*tch to treat #I was in the middle of spiralling over something anyway rn so what's one more thing to make me internally writhe #maybe this'll help my therapist understand my bedbug obsession #last time he was like “do you think you have a phobia [of them]?” and I had to explain that no #Fear is not rly a good descriptor of the problem #i think most ppl with phobias avoid thinking about or seeing The Thing but I can spend hours reading about BBs and looking at photos of the #pretty sure most ppl with like arachnophobia wouldn't look at photos of spiders for hours #I dont do it bc I enjoy it. Instead it's a hunt for information to help prevent getting an infestation.#in retrospect it seems rly obvs I have an obsessive brain that latches onto things and won't let go how did I miss it?

22 notes · View notes

petrow1tch · 4 months ago

Text

They weren't lying, this psychological recovery journey got hands

#3rd month of taking antidepressants and knowing that There Is something majorly fucked up within me #i feel like im becoming normal bit by bit but also now my other problems become my aparent to me #i started to notice i have this childlike simplistic attitude towards wonder and relationships but also at the same time i understand the #severity of troubles around me on the level of burned out adult #but also it takes me from a week to several years to realize what people meant #and yet sometimes i get everything clearly #there are still ways to go #i still have to find a therapist #cuz psych diagnosed me with BPD; geberal anxiety disorder and ADHD and said i have autism signs that could explain the development of BPD #but all he can do is medical treatment which is not the kind you need for BPD and autism #im not saying you can treat autism but yeah he meant i need a psychotherapist for these instead of psychiatrist #i hope i can complete this mental health journey bcuz i feel like i finally got hit with all the weight of burnout i had all these years #i did some creative work in the august/early september but rn its all touching grass in real world and playing games #like i cook i help my family with chores i play fortnite i clean up my room i go out at 1am to look at the stars #all of my own volition without feeling like i need to push myself to do this #I'm scared that making art is not one of those things #i often have a thought that maybe art isnt really for me and in a perfect world i wouldnt do it #but then why am i so good at it #like...#petrotalk

13 notes · View notes

dimonds456-art · 9 months ago

Text

Maladaptive daydreaming.

#daydreaming #maladaptive daydreaming #maladapting daydreaming disorder #maladaptive behaviors #maladaptive coping #dissociation #immersive daydreaming #dimond speaks #yeah so adding this to my list here lol #my therapist helped me realize i dissociate a LOT and the primary way i do it is through vivid daydreams #they usually happen at work but they also pop up if i'm having a bad day or... anytime really.#i've also come to the realization that i have at least one of these a day which is not good fgsjh #my therapist says they're not inherently bad especially since they do have a positive effect on my emotions (if its a good daydream)#but it's gotten to the point that it's affecting the way i work #and they can last for a LONG time too #i haven't timed them but i do know they've been over 30 minutes at work before #this is either due to ADHD autism PTSD or a mixture of the three lmao #weeeee #anyway. this post isn't really intended to be a vent post #it's more like a 'this is my experience' type post #it just kinda comes across as somewhat vent-y #but that was because i wanted to try and immerse the reader into what its like to have these daydreams #like mine look NOTHING like this but making it more generic would help others understand it #the void is the general dissociation from reality #then you emerge in the dream #i can feel things as if i'm there- the sun the wind and sometimes even physical touch #and i'll stay there until something snaps me out #strangely i can get my work done while i'm doing this- i just wont have any memory of doing so. it's like being on autopilot #anyway. I hope this post was helpful to someone out there #if you also maladaptive daydream YOU ARE NOT ALONE! it's valid and you're not 'faking' anything. it's a genuine trauma response.

28 notes · View notes

trashcanwithsprinkles · 5 days ago

Note

Its actlly so nice to hear a normal perspective on this topic. Usually, its just my own(an example of thoughts I get on the daily:how do you know the water you drink is not poisonous? Sure, nothing happened yet, but what if it will??Every. Single. Time. I. Drink. Water.). Also, the only things I did see was twitter discourse. I think I depended emotionally on my fav chrctrs and projected my insecurities. And I felt I had to stay hypervigilant because theres no neutral ship name. Btw, I didnt expect you to answer the two following asks. And yeah, sorry bringing you into this, theres a reason why being a therapist is a job and I also don't want to spam your blog w/ my mental illness taht was not my intention, its for fun and discussing the two sillies in love. If u wanna answr this then so be it, but like, you can just ignore it

no anon this is kinda fascinating to me so dw, also it takes me like two min to write out a reply so this is hardly taking time off my day LMAO

absolutely not surprised you were deep into twitter discourse. that makes so much sense. hope you've left that behind by now, and if you havent, either consider leaving or learn to curate your feed to avoid the absolute batshit insane things that go down there

#never had the issue of projecting onto characters too much #but i have encountered a couple of times where like #a character feels too much like me (against my will)#and so what i do is just not consume fanworks of that character LMAOOOO #of course this doesn't help you if they're an emotional crutch as you mentioned #but the thing is that fandom is about doing stuff you enjoy #yes it's a pain if your sensitivities block you out from a big part of the fandom that's a lot more abrasive or just #yknow not what you want to see #but at that point you gotta ask yourself if its worth it to sit through twitter discourse and making yourself uncomfortable #what i'm trying to say is stick to ao3 n get your tags in order as you work through your stuff with your therapist #and once you're a lot more- resilient if that makes any sense #to seeing stuff that would previously send you on a spiral #then you can go back to braving the rest of the more chaotic/less curatable (?) parts of fandom if that's what you want #daydreaming is always an option 👍#thank you for saying my perspective is normal also that tickles me a lot /pos

11 notes · View notes

labradorite-princess · 1 month ago

Text

Someone yell at me.

I'm skin picking the sores I've made on my face.

#v true #why am i this way #lyrics to the song im listening to rn #not the skin picking part #or the part where someone needs to yell at me #idk what to do at this point about the skin picking #like #i stopped cutting and i picked up skin picking around my mouth and nails #which my therapist says is better than cutting #but like #my face looks SOOOOOO bad #my sister asked me yesterday -#how can you walk around looking like that?#mom basically said the same thing #anyone have any tips for me #please help #idk how to stop

11 notes · View notes