#is this tmi? oh well. this is the tmi website

[youremyonlyhope]

Living with Body Focused Repetitive Behaviors

Me: *Is super stressed over life.*

Trichotillomania: Time to pull some hair! C'mon. You won't even notice you're doing it. It'll make you feel better.

Me: NO. *Spends 4 days putting hair in a mini twist protective style* There.

Dermatillomania: Hey. Your hands are free. And restless. And dry... Pick your skin. Bleed. Bleed.

Me: Stop! *Starts up a new crochet project to keep hands busy.* Ok cool.

Onychophagia: Hi hi. Your nails are.... perfect biting length... you should do that.

Me: Noooooooooooo *Paints nails.*

Dermatillomania: Oh look, you got some nail polish on your skin. Pick it off... now pick some more...

Me: SDJAKFDSJFKLDKAFDJKLAFJDKSAKLFDASL

[paranormaljones]

being a woman really is just experiencing Existential Horrors™ more than usual for no discernable reason and then checking your cycle tracker and everything making sense.

[greenieflor]

I've been wondering why I've been so gassy tonight and I just remembered that in the last 36 hours I have eaten literally ten eggs

[dailyexo]

[TRANSLATION] Chen - 230814 Official EXO-L Japan website update: "「CHEN JAPAN TOUR 2023 - Polaris -」リハーサル現場レポート＃２！" ("'CHEN JAPAN TOUR 2023 - Polaris -' On-site Rehearsal Report #2!")

"「CHEN JAPAN TOUR 2023 - Polaris -」の日本でのリハーサルも中盤を迎えました！ 今回のスタッフブログでは、リハーサル現場のレポート続編をお届けします！"

Translation: "We're coming up to the halfway point for our rehearsals for 'CHEN JAPAN TOUR 2023 - Polaris -'! In our staff blog we'll share with you some more rehearsal news!"

"ツアーのスタートも近づいてきましたが、みなさん楽しむ準備はできていますか？^^ チェンも公演に向けて実際にステージでの動線などの細かい部分も確認しながら、ライブを���り上げていっています♪ とある日のリハーサルでは演出のshojiさんからステージ演出について説明を受けながら、「お～！いいですね！」とワクワクした様子だったチェン♪ライブ演出についてもスタッフと意見を出し合いながら、ツアーの世界観を完成させていっていました🌌"

Translation: "The first day of the tour is drawing closer, are you guys ready? ^^ Chen has been hard at work preparing for the show. He's been making sure all of the fine details are ready to go, including things such as stage lines. He is determined to make this show a success!♪ One day during rehearsal while Shoji was explaining parts of the performance, Chen replied with a bright smile and said, 'Oh~! Nice!'♪ The staff also contributed their own thoughts during the rehearsal to make sure it is the best it could possibly be and really make an impact on everyone watching! 🌌"

"CHEN Japan 1st Mini Album『ポラリス』のジャケットやミュージックビデオを日本の街で撮影して制作したことは、みなさんもうご存じですよね♪実は、ライブ中に流れる映像も日本で撮影したんです！そんな映像がどんな風にどのシーンで出てくるのか、そしてどんなステージがみられるのか、こだわりの詰まったステージとその世界観にも注目してくださいね^^

そしてリハーサルの合間には、お気に入りの日本食を食べたりと日本での滞在も楽しんでいるチェン^^とある日のリハーサル前には、牛丼を食べてリハーサルに向けて力をつけている姿を発見👀！そんなチェンに日本滞在に関する質問をしてみました！

Q：今回日本に来るときや、来てからのTMIを教えてください。

A：今回日本に来てショッピングをしたときのことなのですが、店員の方が「かっこいいですね！誰か俳優の方に似てます」と褒めてくださいました(笑)。 もちろん帽子を深くかぶっていたので僕だと気がつくことはできなかったと思いますが、かっこいいと褒められて嬉しかったです。 でもこれからはもう少しがんばらないと(笑)。

Q：日本ツアーのために長く日本に滞在する予定ですが、絶対に必要だと思って持ってきたアイテムはなんですか？

A：スケジュールがあるとき以外はほとんどの時間をホテルで過ごすので、早く終わった日にはパックをしたり半身浴を楽しんだりします。なのでいつもいろんなパックをたくさん持ってきています。

Q：日本にきて新しく覚えた日本語はありますか？

A：えぐい！

次回のレポートでもチェンに、質問をぶつけてみますよ～♪ EXO-L-JAPANのみなさん、次回はどんな回答が返ってくるのかぜひ楽しみにしていてくださいね^^"

Translation: "We're sure everyone already noticed by now that the CHEN Japan 1st Mini Album 'Polaris' cover photo was shot in a town in Japan.♪You will be pleased to know the concert VCRs have also been shot in Japan! What sort of scenes did we shoot? Well, you'll just have to come to the concert to find out! We're sure they'll leave a big impression so make sure not to miss out!^^

Between rehearsals, Chen enjoyed his stay in Japan and especially loved eating all his favourite Japanese foods! ^^ One day, we caught Chen eating a beef and rice bowl to fuel up before rehearsal👀! We also asked Chen a couple questions about his stay in Japan and now we are going to share them with everyone!

Q: Tell us about something that happened upon your arrival to Japan this time.

A: After I landed, I went shopping and the staff said to me, 'Wow, you're so handsome! You look like an actor!', I felt very flattered (hehe). I don't think they could really see my face because I was wearing a hat that covered most of it, but I was still happy to receive the compliment. This also means that I need to work harder! (hehe).

Q: Since you're going to be embarking on your Japanese tour, that means you'll be spending quite a long time here. Are there any must-haves in your suitcase?

A: Outside my schedules, I spend most of my time in the hotel. On days where I get back a little earlier I'll put on a face mask and take a bath. For that reason I always bring a bunch of face masks.

Q: Did you learn any new Japanese on your trip so far?

A: Egui! (Eww!)

For our next report we'll pester Chen with more questions! ♪ So then, EXO-L-JAPAN, tune in next time to get all the juicy questions and answeers, look forward to it!^^"

Photo links: 1, 2

Credit: translation, dailyexo.tumblr.com, Source: Official EXO-L Japan.

[mysteriousmissfsart]

Some Stories about Me Showing My Mom Twisted Wonderland #2

Yo! I’m back!

Ahem!

I mean-

I am back.

Thank you for waiting! *Bows*

Well-

I’m back with some more stories about showing my mom Twisted Wonderland!

No more distractions!

Let’s get to it!

FYI: This all happened today

——————————————————————————

A/N: I live in Sweden and 16:00 in Sweden is 00:00 in Japan. My Birthday is January 13th. So today is the 12th in Sweden hence my confusion for a moment. In order to not cause any confusion as well; I was born in Egypt to my Egyptian parents, I moved to Sweden when I was 7 and I’ve been living here for more than 13 years (don’t remember how long exactly😅). Also, my parents are divorced and that all happened when we moved to Sweden after he told us (me, mom and my two younger sisters) to live with my grandma (mom’s side). Mom is now remarried and I now have two younger brothers as well. (A bit of TMI but I don’t really mind telling y’all about that).

Me: *Sebek showing up when i started the game* *Dramatic gasp* Is it his birthday? No. It can’t be- I’m sure that only Lillia and Malleus are born in January.

Mom: *Cooking* *Looking at me* What happened?

Me: Sebek just showed up on the screen when I started the game. I don’t know why??? I also got a key for some reason??? Oh! Wait! IT’S MY BIRTHDAY GIFT???!!!!! But it’s not the- *Realization hits* OH! I forgot about the time difference!!!

Mom: *Smiling* Oh yeah! You’ll be 21 tomorrow! My little kid has grown!

Me: *Panicking* Do not speak of it, please. You’re making me realize the fact that I have spent my life wrong. I should have been doing a lot of things-

Mom: *Laughing* You can’t stop the fact that you’re aging!

Me: Yeah I know! *Panicking again* WHY??!! I could have had Malleus say happy birthday to me!!! *Crying in MISSED opportunity* *Getting up and yelling in frustration* *Going back to my seat*

Mom: *Disappointed* That’s your fav right? The tall guy with the horns? How could you miss that opportunity! *Jokingly* Stupid.

Me: Yeah! That’s him! I am stupid! *Lowkey crying* Now I’ll have to wait until next year!!!!!!! I don’t have anything against Sebek but, I just like Malleus the most- Well, on a positive note, it was the cutest happy birthday I ever got so I’m still happy!!

Mom: *Laughing* I swear that I gave birth to the weirdest human alive. *Shaking her head* That’s why I love you and your weirdness!

Me: Love you too mom! And yes, I am not denying that I am weird. But admit it, I’m the best person that came into your life- *Smirking*

Mom: Yeah, Yeah. You are.

——————————————————————————

Me: Mom! Look! Look! *Showing her a picture I saw on Pinterest* It’s Kalim’s outfit as a real life replica!

Mom: *Looking* It’s pretty! I’m impressed!

Me: Look at this one! This is Riddle’s outfit!

Mom: Wow! That’s amazing! It’s really detailed!

Me: Then look at this! It’s Malleus’s outfit! Isn’t it beautiful!

Mom: Yeah! Where can you buy this? *Meaning it*

Me: I wish that I could buy them! If there are buyable versions they’d probably be too expensive.

Mom: That’s too bad!

——————————————————————————

A/N

I’ve been away for a while because I had some exams, I really hope that I don’t fail😭😭

I’m currently working on some Twisted Wonderland stories and my essay on why Malleus is an INFJ in my opinion! I hope I can share them with you soon!

Also, if you know any websites that sell Twisted Wonderland merch and ship them worldwide, please let me know! I really want to buy some-

A quick disclaimer as well: I REALLY have NOTHING against Sebek or any other character!!! I just really love Malleus because I feel connected to his character! Sebek is a really sweet character and I really love his loud, proud and protective personality! The first conversation presented here was a bit of a lighthearted dramatic conversation between me and my mom. We do A LOT of those. I love all the characters for who they are and I have nothing against any of them!

(Read the tags)

(There’s a hidden story)

[thecurioustale]

Tumblr is definitely the only social media website I've spent any good amount of time on that leaves me feeling like humanity is even bigger than I give it credit for. A definite positive. I love some of the weirdness that exists in some people.

While I am not on here for "fun" per se (I am here for what Gaiman calls "marketing," though only in the sense of "Hello, I am a person that exists; I do art and here are some of my takes on other things as well"—which is the same as me being in a place for "fun" except with less TMI and less politics), there definitely is a lot of fun to be had. And while my return to Tumblr last summer has taught me that I don't really want social media in my personal life anymore, it has also taught me that Tumblr is still where I'd be if I did.

How is it already Friday? Oh yeah, because I've been existentially sick with some chest thing for half the week and time flew by! I think I'm getting better? If you never hear from me again, I guess I wasn't. 😂

Dear Neil. Sometimes I think about the strength you must have to answer the fans' questions, I know that a lot has to do with marketing, but it must be tedious, and it must demotivate you a little from your work. Not only you but also the actors. Thanks for the patience.

It's really not about marketing. That's why I like Tumblr, I think. It's too small for marketing. It only works if it's for fun.

[hickeysgodcomplex]

that’s such a good way of putting it! i like a few bmth songs but i don’t know that many. i’ve dabbled into emo music and i think fob and bmth fit under emo??? but i’m not sure 100%. definitely get the interest in them, i should listen to more honestly but it’s Not The Right Time yet haha. it will happen sooner or later! just not now :’]

REAL!!!! i fucking have to have lyrics the first time i listen to a song or else i may as well not listen to it. i need to know the very essence of the song in every form or i’m not satisfied. lyricism is one of my favorite things, probably because i love words in general, but GOD. i love songs and concepts and fitting that into groovy lil tunes. it’s the best. AND YES, oh my god. you get it. i fucking love chateau (feel alright) because at a certain point in the song, you can hear joe’s mouth sounds and i’m so fucking obsessed with it. it’s also just one of my favorite djo songs in general. it’s ethereal to me. it’s a favorite song of all time of mine, as well as end of beginning. i did the math of playing a certain part of that song as the new year rolled in, if that explains any at all how much i adore end of beginning. music and me are one, as are you and music. i’m so happy you understand. it’s made me overjoyed and no less of it

:( that’s so kind. i hope you’re proud of yourself, because i am <3 i am so glad that you’re here, thank you for being here. i’m sure little you is so so so proud of you and happy to be where you are now 🫶

WOAH. that food looks so delicious, holy shit. looks like food from an actual recipe website or something. broccoli is so good by the way. i had this broccoli bake recently that was like mac and cheese but was broccoli instead of macaroni and it was incredible! i hope you can have more nice food soon, to treat yourself and such <3333

-🦇 (MWAH, you’re so nice to talk to. i felt like this was worth adding. talking to you makes stuff feel less lonely, if that’s not too parasocial to say. you’re such a cozy person and you have incredible vibes. thank you for existing in this space. you make it a lot brighter just by being you)

I think technically bmth is like screamcore stuff but they aren't as screamy now thankfully cuz i cant do the constant screams. Im like baby you're hurting both us with all this yelling. 🤣🤣🤣 but yeah i would think like emo punky and fob is like poppunk i think. I just ADORE their lead singer and his voice and ugh i can try and rec you a few songs if you ever want! Whenever the time hits!!!

(Gonna pop this under a readmore cuz they keep getting long!!! 🤣🤣🤣)

Ooohh yessssss Chateau is SUCH a dreamy song!!!! Its not my fave fave one but it does get stuck in my head A LOT. and yesss end of beginning is amazing too!!! I think Mutual Future (repeat) is one of my very faves. I just love how slow it is and then the like, way he almost chants the bit later on. Like he's full of so much need. Like... gosh. There's also a line in Personal Lies that literally makes my head go all fuzzy every time i hear it. Cuz, and hopefully not too tmi here, but I'm a little subby gremlin and he uses his condescending voice when he says "you need attention. Well baby there's the line" and i just.... go a little feral. Every time. Getting shivers now just thinkin about it. But like... that happens with me and music alllll the time!!!! And i LOVE that you timed it!!! Thats amazing!!! Sometimes you just need to hear the right thing to start the year right!!!!

And i am! Very proud of myself. I still have bad days here and there. But they never feel like i can't get past it anymore. So thats really nice. I just sort of embraced the small joys and it really just makes things brighter!

And awwww thank youuuuuu!!!! I love cooking so much!!!! I would share my food if i could!!!

YOU ARE SO SWEET OH MY GOSH! not parasocial too much i don't think. Most of my friends are online people who live in my phone ans i have so much love for them!!! BUT IM GENUINELY SO GLAD MY VIBES ARE GOOD AND COZY YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME CRYYYYY!!!!

[yanban-san]

I appreciate all the baked goods you send my way. But I’ve had my own brain worm with all the nsfw asks about the demon/eldritch au like… poor Elesa running damage control every time those guys completely miss social cues. Like she’s been over this- she made a PowerPoint for this!!!

Darling: “Hey Elesa what kind of phone do you have?”

Elesa: “The iPorygonX 13 why?”

Darling: “Well my phone has been acting weird for the past couple weeks.”

Elesa, immediately smelling Tauros shit: “Oh yeah?”

Darling: “Yeah! Ever since I started at the Gear Station I’ve been having weird glitches!”

Elesa, immediately taking an aspirin for the headache she knows is coming: “Wow, that’s so weird.”

Darling: “Right? Sometimes like my messages disappear, and what’s really, really weird is that I can’t download any of the new dating games off the App Store!”

Elesa, praying to Arceus for patience: “Huh, that’s-thats so weird.”

Darling: “And the worst part- and this might be a TMI and please stop me if you’re uncomfortable-“

Elesa, hoping she’s wrong and doesn’t know where this is going: “Y-Yeah??”

Darling: “Lately like- and you have to promise not to tell anybody- none of my… *whispers* none of my porn videos are loading.”

Elesa, regretting begging for her memories not to be erased. “O-oh that’s… that sucks… like a lot.”

Darling: “I am so sorry if that was over sharing-“

Elesa: “N-no it’s fine…”

Darling: “Like I’m pretty sure it’s not the hosting website, but like either they don’t load at all or they load but the people in it don’t look right. Like somebody re-uploaded the video with bad compression to make all the dudes have grey hair.”

Elesa, placing her head in her hands: “Yeah that’s so bizarre, maybe- maybe getting a new phone would help.”

Darling: “Yeah, I think that’s the only option I have left, if it doesn’t work… I don’t think I can do anything else.”

Elesa knows what other options you have, the two of them probably keenly aware that you would be desperate enough to take them up on their offer.

Elesa misses when she was just a model/gym leader and not an underpaid relationship tutor to a bunch of weird extra-dimensional weirdos.

Enjoy the sweets, I will enjoy your excellent dialogue you keep coming up with for poor tired Elesa and poor unaware of much of anything Darling, it's perfect anon <3

---

Elesa: "Man it sure is nice not having my memories erased and instead knowing that the Subway Bosses are freaks from Eeby Deeby" :)

Darling: "Hey Elesa I can't download any dating sim games :( It just always fails or complains I don't have the space-"

Elesa, getting an aspirin ready: "Oh haha that is weird-"

Darling is embarrassed as she asks Elesa "Also... Is it possible for... ahem, "certain websites" to just... break for one person and one person only"

Elesa:

Darling: "Because like- I've even tried to use my friend's computer... to uh, OH- to watch playthroughs of some of these dating sims I like and they always crash or are limited to 144p until my friend tries to watch them later..."

Elesa, knowing full well Darling is talking about porn sites actually because she has absolutely caught the two idiot demons reading human anatomy books and probably found their copy of the Kama Sutra in their office one unfortunate day:

Elesa, downing the entire bottle of aspirin: I'm sorry I need to go fight some literal demons and make some powerpoint presentations

Darling: What-

Elesa, later, staring into the camera like she's in the office: "I never thought I'd find myself sitting in my office writing a powerpoint on the fact it's considered a dick move in human culture to turn someone's pornography into images of yourself-"

Elesa, head in hands and wondering if there's an even higher dose aspirin at the drug store: "-And yet, Almighty Sinnoh continues to work in mysterious ways."

And underpaid?

The twins are not paying her any physical money at all! :)

...but as they learn more about being "friends"- They start to do nice things for Elesa, especially if she brings them gifts of sweets from their favorite bakeries around Nimbasa.

(Emmet and Ingo are starting to think of Elesa as one of those devoted "followers" or "patrons" so many of their kind have, though Ingo is sure that is not what a friend is supposed to be-)

That Raikou joke Elesa cracked back when she found out they summoned Dialga for you? Emmet shows up in her gym one day, in between challengers and presents her with a baby Raikou! Elesa didn't even know that there could be baby Raikou, but that's not important; the Raikou is so cute! It's got big ol eyes and big pointy teeth that are too big for it's mouth right now! And big ol' paws!

"You like cute pokemon and you said you wanted one of these so I found this little guy running around Johto for you!" And it's one of the few times Elesa is genuinely elated at the twins' behavior, and Emmet seems so happy that he did something right for a change!

Also she can just call them now on the X-Transceiver if she needs a change in the weather. :)

[gear-project]

just wanted to leave some words of support i guess. i 'preciate you through this :( the change in management has me depressed as hell... since introduction of the 3D interfaces even. cut scenes that read like a dementia simulator regardless of the visual impact gave me a dreadful feeling. tmi but i reread the creator notes for strive and it made me teary eyed thinking about ishiwatari working so fucking hard, and just having to let that go.

anyway........ as impossible as it is to agree with someone 100% of the time, i like to come here to read when i need food for thought - for that reason. thanks for all the archiving and energy you put in.

xoxo,

20-years-of-taking-psychic-damage because i loved Venom's mysterious beauty the instant i saw him lmfao

Oh, I TOTALLY get you… I don't always agree with certain decisions made either.

I know plenty of people who disagree with my takes, or even just my shoddy presentation. I'm not a Wiki by any means.

I'm sure more would prefer a stream video or a detailed manga that recaps everything and encapsulates stuff in to precise accurate bites.

And don't forget about the LOST history either… there's a ton of scrapped GG content too, stuff that got erased in the shuffle between websites and staff.

One thing I will say though (to cheer both of us up)… Ishiwatari is the kind of person to keep his word. If he says he wants a huge roster with everybody in it (including Venom)… even if the story is slapped together like Legos… I won't mind so much so long as the game is fun and there's at least something there to savor.

You have to consider the idea that this is a work that is new and experimental for them as well… so they have to finish what they started for the long haul, even if some ideas don't end up very good on execution…

I mean go figure… this is a Post-GG2 Overture world… if you're still a fan of GG after Overture happened, you're made of tougher stuff than most people.

Also I am 22-years-worth-of-taking-psychic-damage… and not just from the story or games… primarily from the fanbase, forums, hardcores, "questionable fanart", etc… though it's all good… it's worth it if I can continue to enjoy this saga along with the rest of you all.

[daisys-gard3n]

I BROWSED THROUGH THE TMI TAG AND THANK GOD I DID BECAUSE I’VE BEEN HAVING A SHITTY WEEK. I LITERALLY got yelled at by my aunt, but honestly? Fucking worth it. Anyways! In return, I will not only share one, but FOUR (like those fucking shampoo-conditioner-bodywash combo bottle things, whatever the fuck they’re called) stories to share.

So the first one: I remember the first time I “rubbed the bean”. It was in middle school, and I AUTOMATICALLY told my ex-friend who had her first time not too long ago. Then, my mom calls me over, and then I remember her telling me she can see my messages, so I remember just SPAMMING my friend with messages full of nonsense. I told her I got hacked the next day. 😭

Second one: One time (I think in 9th grade?), I was having this nice ass wet dream. When I thought I came, it turns out I PISSED on my bed. I lied to my mom, saying I didn’t know if I was awake or not, which technically isn’t a lie— BUT STILL.

Third one: The time my mom walked in, and I told her I was just “scratching off an itch”. Years later, she told me that was the funniest way anyone could say “I’m not rubbing the bean!” when it was obvious as to what was happening.

Fourth and final one: This one doesn’t revolve me, but it revolves around my mom and my mama (my abuelita/grandma). So, they were trying to find something home-related (I think they were trying to find decorations? This also happened in middle school— MIDDLE SCHOOL WAS A WHOLE ASS ROLLERCOASTER FOR ME, HAVE YOU NOTICED??? Anyways, so my mama sees Adam & Eve, and for some reason, she thought it was like Home Depot or whatever home-related store it was. Well, mom goes on the website, and come to find out the first thing she sees is a cock ring.

Thanks for making me laugh! Also, your writing is absolutely delicious. Call me 🍒 anon!

Wow, the content you have shared with us on the blog today. I sort of have a similar story like the third one, I was just doing my business and had the covers over me and my sister suddenly bursts in and starts nagging me for drinking her soda without asking. Like yes, it was my fault, but can't you bitches knock.

And one time i found my mother's dildo...she never used it and she ordered it from wish...my dumbass 16 year old brain tried to use it and figured out the tight coochie disorder bc i def hurt a lot when i tried to shove it in lol

OH AND LEMME TELL YOU THIS- I was in Japan for a summer vacation and I went to Akihabara, there was a tall building where one of the higher floors had costumes. I thought it was a cosplay store, so I walk in while wheeling my grandmother on her wheelchair in and...It's a sex store...Just a full porno of a woman sucking a dude off playing on a TV and a wall of hitachi vibrators on display...I yeeted out of there so quick and my uncle had to wheel my grandmother out-

[hermannsthumb]

From horny twitter: Hermann writes a very very detailed review of a vibrator online

not sfw below cut!!!!!!!!!!! 

----------------------------

Now, usually, Newt doesn’t mess around when he’s on the clock, because that’d be very unprofessional of him and that’s totally not who he is, but he’s in a little bit of a rut with his current project and could use the distraction. Online shopping is his favorite go-to distraction these days: he can lose himself in size charts and color options and hunts for coupon codes and forget, even for a few minutes, that the end of the world is accelerating towards them at an intimidating rate. Plus, he can write off half his shit as work-related expenses. Win-win. Though maybe not this particular search.

Newt has a pretty reliable arsenal of sex toys he’s used on rotation since he packed up and shipped across the world for the PPDC, but the ten-year warranty vibe he’s used since PhD #3 (and his favorite of the bunch) finally crapped out on him last week after a historically intense fight with Hermann got him historically wound up. Eleven years ain’t bad. After testing out a different charger, poking around in the wiring, and even going so far as to zap it a few times with some sorta-stolen drift tech to see if it stirred any life back into it, he finally decided it was time to just mourn, move on, and buy a new one. (Even if, unfortunately, his particular favorite model was discontinued when the company’s factory was destroyed in a kaiju attack and they never quite managed to recover. More casualties of the war.)

The sex toy market is truthfully booming during the apocalypse. It makes sense, Newt guesses—anything for a distraction. Personally, for Newt, orgasms tend to dampen his own existential dread, even if it’s just for a few minutes. He scrolls idly through a few Top Ten For 2023 listicles on various sex magazine websites to see if anything jumps out at him (some of the recommended toys are dildos he already has, and vibes that are a little beyond his k-sci paycheck), just hoping for something to jump out at him. Apparently he missed out on a limited-edition run of jaeger and kaiju-themed vibes and dildos that came out in early January, which he’s honestly a little pissed about—he’s the top expert on kaiju biology, god damn it! Didn’t anyone want to consult with him about their hypothetical junk? Accuracy matters.

“It’s all off,” Newt mutters grumpily as he examines a 360 view of one of the kaiju dildos. Trespasser. “It’s not even the right color. Fucking amateurs. Did they even try?”

“What are you doing?” Hermann says.

Newt slams his laptop shut. Hermann decided to cut his lunch break short today, apparently. “Shopping,” he says.

“You sounded awfully angry about something, is all,” Hermann says. He clacks over to his half of the lab and shrugs off his big parka, then pauses. “Do you need to...talk about it?”

“No,” Newt says.

Hermann breathes out in obvious relief. “Good,” he says.

He takes his usual spot at his chalkboard and resumes his calculating. Newt re-opens his laptop and scrolls away from Trespasser before he can make himself angry over anatomical inaccuracies again. The jaeger vibes from the collection are pretty cool, actually; the designs are a lot cleaner, and their artistic license is a lot more forgivable. The highest-rated of the set is one obviously (but not enough to invoke copyright infringement, if that can even exist for a jaeger) modeled off of Coyote Tango, with like, a million different settings, and an astronomical cost to match. Newt eyes it enviously. He could be shoving that up his ass right now if he’d just signed up for a stupid email list last year.

He follows the link to Amazon to read through some of the reviews enviously, too. Life-changing; best money ever spent; warranty lasts a lifetime. Ten stars across the board. Sold out, obviously. No idea when it’ll be back in stock. He could get the Striker Eureka model for twice the original cost as when it came out, if he wanted, but the idea of constantly having to associate the twenty-something punk Hansen kid with his intimate affairs makes him shudder.

A nine-star review for the Coyote Tango model from someone named MathLover69 is the only one to make Newt really pause, on account of how absolutely insane it is.

I saved quite a few paychecks to purchase this vibrator, and though the cost is steep, I must say it is absolutely worth it. As opposed to my normal vibrator (here another vibe is linked, and Newt’s eyebrows jump at that price, too), which has only five settings, an admittedly bulky body, and average battery life, the CT2023 has a generous ten, a sleeker design, and charges fully in a matter of minutes. The orgasms I have experienced while using it are higher in quality (and more numerous) than any resulting previously from masturbation, though I have not tried beyond setting six yet. It also works wonders for stress relief. (I have an incredibly irritating colleague, and nothing calms me down so much as a quick round with the CT2023 after a spat with him.)

The body is versatile enough to be either inserted into one’s—

Newt feels heat rise to his cheeks in spite of himself, and he skims the second paragraph of MathLover69’s review to get the gist of it—that there are, uh, plenty of ways to utilize the vibe, that it’s discreet and small enough to wear to work (if you were inclined to do so, as MathLover69 implies he might’ve been) and that when combined with the Yamarashi dildo, the pleasurable experience increased tenfold. Talk about oversharing. Jeez.

My only complaint would be that the design is a poor approximation of the real Coyote Tango, and for that I’ve docked a star. I would recommend this product.

“This guy is a total nut,” Newt says to himself.

“Hm?” Hermann says.

Newt considers the implications of showing Hermann the vibrator listing: Hermann will know he was shopping for sex toys, Hermann will know he was shopping for kaiju and jaeger-themed sex toys, Hermann will know he was shopping for kaiju and jaeger-themed sex toys during working hours a mere ten feet away from him. Embarrassing, but on the other hand, MathLover69’s review is too funny to not share with someone else. “Hey, Hermann,” Newt says, angling his laptop towards Hermann. “Look. Who comments shit like this?”

Hermann descends his ladder carefully and inches up behind Newt’s shoulder, squinting at his laptop screen. He immediately turns bright red. Newt must’ve offended his Victorian sensibilities with the mere suggestion of self-abuse. “Oh,” he says. “Er.”

“Way TMI,” Newt says. “Listen to this line. ‘With the Yamarashi toy inserted into one’s mouth, and the CT2023 inserted up one’s—'”

“Well, how else is one meant to review a masturbatory aid?” Hermann snaps, surprising Newt. He looks oddly flustered. “Details can be—er—helpful. Can’t they?”

“Sure, dude,” Newt snorts. “Except they’re obviously just screwing with people. They literally have a 69 in their username.” He taps at the MathLover69, and doesn’t mention—on behalf of Hermann’s delicate mathematician feelings—that the MathLover part is obviously meant as a joke too.

“Well,” Hermann says. “Perhaps it’s just his—er, their birthdate.”

Newt turns around to stare at Hermann, taking in his red cheeks, his red ears, and the gaze he’s fixed steadily on his shoes. It’s all Newt can do to not to gape at him. “Hermann, you’re kidding,” he says. “Right?”

“I don’t know what you mean,” Hermann says.

“You didn’t,” Newt says.

“I,” Hermann stammers. “Well—”

“I didn’t even know you—”

“That I what?” Hermann says.

Newt gives a half-shrug. Hermann doesn’t seem the type to engage in any sort of vice, let alone this kind. And especially not with the type of sex toys he apparently gravitates towards. (If Newt was a little bolder, and had a little less shame and care for hygiene, he might ask to check out the Yamarashi, because anatomical inaccuracies aside, wow that sounds awesome.) “I mean, you know,” Newt says. “You’re kinda you. No offense.”

Hermann takes offense. “I am human,” he says. “I am allowed to masturbate, Newton, and I was merely attempting to educate other customers about the—product—with my thoroughness.” He adds, awkwardly, “My review was voted very helpful, as you can see.”

“Okay,” Newt says with a grin. “I get it. Sorry.”

Hermann marches back over to his side of the lab with a scowl. Newt waits until he’s sure Hermann’s not watching him, and is too distracted by muttering angrily under his breath, to bookmark MathLover69’s page of reviews.

It turns out (as Newt revisits the page later that night, in the privacy of his bunk) Hermann buys and reviews a truly staggering amount of dildos and sex toys, and on top of that, has absolutely zero filter behind the wall of anonymity. It’s to the extent that some of his reviews read like goddamn sexts.

It took me three occasions to successfully work myself up to taking in the entire length…

My orgasm was so pleasurable I alarmed my colleague with the noise I made, who believed me to have injured myself…

The highest vibration setting is a bit of a disappointment…

These are excellent for double penetration…

It also turns out Hermann is a veritable sex fiend. Or at least a masturbation fiend. Judging by his reviews alone, Hermann’s purchased more than a dozen different toys in the past three years alone. That’s four a year. One every three months. That’s not even including buttplugs, which (according to other reviews) he sometimes just wears into the lab (“work”) for the hell of it, which Newt isn’t even going to think about right now. How the hell has Hermann kept this much of his life under wraps? When the hell does he have time to jerk off as much as he apparently does? No wonder they never seem to have any fucking funding; all of Hermann’s paychecks are funneled directly into his—well.

Newt recalls the faux-injury incident Hermann mentioned in a comment with mild embarrassment. No wonder Hermann had been so weird and flushed when he opened his door, and made excuses to say bye to him so quickly—Newt just caught him (oh, boy) immediately following the best orgasm of his life. Well, mild embarrassment, and a little more than mild arousal. What Newt would’ve given to have been there five minutes earlier, to watch Hermann in the act of the best orgasm of his life, to maybe even be the one to cause it…

What Newt would give to use Hermann’s fancy-shmancy vibrator on him, or literally anything from his giant masturbatory arsenal. Or even just watch him use it on himself. Hermann’s just so damned buttoned-up and uptight—it’s all about the contradictions. Juxtapositions. Newt unzips his jeans and sticks his hand down his boxers. “Stupid Hermann,” he moans, as he begins to bring himself off to the image of Hermann with that stupid kaiju dildo down his throat and that stupid jaeger vibe up his ass. Negotiator of peace between the two? Stupid joke, stupid Hermann. Or maybe he’s picturing Hermann showing up to the lab, all plugged up and loose from using a different vibe on himself that morning. Or maybe Hermann pushing two dildos into himself at once. How the hell can he even manage that? Ass his size— “Oh, goddamn it,” Newt moans again, and comes all over his hand.

Whatever. It’s not like Hermann’s ever going to find out about this.

[heavyarethecrowns]

Kate Middleton: Prince William’s Decade-Long Mistake - Oct 2010

Who is Kate Middleton? After nearly 10 years of seeing Kate’s recorded behavior, this is my impression: Kate Middleton doesn’t care about any causes, charities or anything outside of living for pleasure. I doubt her ability to handle royal responsibilities – beyond dealing with privileges and paparazzi – because in the ten years the world has watched her, she hasn’t demonstrated she can take on anything but a royal c*ck and a jolly good time. While true, she isn’t married to William and isn’t in fact a royal (and may never be, for all we know), her perseverance implies she’s in it for the long haul and plans to become the Princess of Wales. As such, she should have taken these years to demonstrate to the world that, although she’s a common-bred, middle-class girl, she’s an exceptional lady who rises above the rest. But Kate has failed profoundly in that respect. The last thing the women of the public should be thinking when they see William’s marital choice is, “What on earth makes her so special? I could have done that/been in her place – and done it better! -Maybe I should have gone to St. Andrews!” But that’s what women, including myself, are lead to think of her. Coming from her background, as a common, everyday girl, it shows her complete lack of humility, and is borderline arrogant, for her to assume she can live like a spoiled brat who doesn’t need to prove herself. She enjoys a privileged life that she wasn’t born into – and for the life of many, we can’t understand why. Why was she chosen? Why not someone else? Why not a woman the vast majority can respect and admire? Let’s be honest here: William can have nearly anyone he wants – and he’s settling for this average circus monkey?

At first glance, Kate seemed like a well kept, nicely mannered woman – and well-suited for a royal position. In the first few years of her royal relationship, she shone as an attractive, educated, beautifully fashioned, friendly, and conservatively-behaved young lady. But that was then. Now, upon looking back at Kate’s near-decade as an unofficial princess-in-waiting, her behavior reveals her as a underwhelming choice for the monarchy. She’s demonstrated that she’s far from exceptional, and that aside from her pursuit of a crown, she’s a disappointing, arrogant underachiever of little substance.

Ambitious In All The Wrong Ways:

Those who know Kate often describe her as ambitious; and in the beginning, that’s the side of her the public got to see. Kate worked hard on her academics so she could attend the prestigious St. Andrews University, where William was also set to attend. While there, she met William and completed the same degree as him, in Art History.  Following their graduations, William began the demanding military career he still pursues today. However, surprisingly, the once ambitious-seeming Kate did nothing: She remained jobless for nearly two years, living off of her parents (and William, I’m sure). Kate finally got a part-time job as an accessories buyer at the fashion chain, Jigsaw, but quit after only 11 months. Notably, rumors suggest Kate only got the job to passify Her Majesty, The Queen, who took notice that her grandson’s significant-other was a lazy freeloader. After that, she worked for her parent’s internet business, Party Pieces (which to many read like an unemployment cover-up). Apparently, Kate made updates to their website and took photos for it. That sounds pathetic and hardly full-time. Not to mention, Kate’s monthly getaways to exotic locations with William attest that her parents gave her an overwhelming amount of time off whenever she wanted it. That’s hardly a real job. And if that’s not disappointing enough, Kate quit the job all together in October of 2009 and has officially been doing nothing but shacking up with William while he pursues his career ever since. I’m sorry Katie dear, but for any 28 year old – especially a potential Queen of England – that’s absolutely not good enough.

There are several obvious problems with the reality of Kate’s ambitions (or lack thereof). She was ambitious about her education, but clearly didn’t want or need it for a career – So, what was she even at St. Andrews for, and why was she ambitious about getting there? She graduated from a top notch university, only to settle for unemployment and a job her parents provided? Logically, it’s mismatching for someone to aggressively pursue a top-tier education only to fall flat as a lazy, career-underachiever immediately and permanently thereafter. The fact that Kate did just that leads me, and countless others to believe she was only academically driven so she could put herself in William’s way and try to form a relationship with him. Also telling are the numerous reports by those close to Kate’s mother that Mrs. Middleton pushed her daughter’s attendance to St. Andrews in hopes of her becoming royalty.

Kate: The Attention-Loving Wild Child

When Kate’s not working – and that’s most of the time – she goes shopping, attends leisurely sporting and social events, and parties ’till her heart’s content in Britain’s most luxurious night spots (Paris Hilton style – ick). The photos of her nightlife are less than flattering – actually, they’re flat out embarrassing – especially for the potential next Princess and Queen of Wales. She often looks extremely intoxicated, and her attire and car-exiting-techniques have granted the paparazzi dozens of “crotch shots”.

[picapp align=”none” wrap=”false” link=”term=kate+middleton&iid=756945″ src=”http://view3.picapp.com/pictures.photo/image/756945/kate-middleton-birthday/kate-middleton-birthday.jpg?size=500&imageId=756945&#8243; width=”234″ height=”151″ /] Kate characteristically grinning as she’s hounded by the paparazzi

Any other 28 year old woman would be focused on a career or starting a family – or both; But Kate just parties like she’s some rich 19 year old without any responsibilities. In fact, she’s only too happy to show that side of herself to the paparazzi – and the world. Her parents and William (taxpayer dollars) have financially supported her throughout her twenties – extravagant vacations included – and Kate’s habitual ear-to-ear smile indicates she’s loved every minute of it. As long as she’s attached to William, she doesn’t have a care in the world that other (common) women like her have – aside from her image, and she’s let that fall to the wayside. From the bright red coat she wore to William’s military graduation to the never-failing smile she wears for the paparazzi, Kate’s self-presentation says she loves being a celebrity and all eyes being on her. Unfortunately, Britain needs a princess who naturally exudes a respectable image when she provokes the world to look.

William’s Mistake – William’s Responsibility

I understand William’s need to pick a lady who’ll roll with the punches, deal well with the crazy, public lifestyle (privacy invasion, etc.), and conform to suit the monarchy’s needs. Nevertheless, it’s his mistake in assuming those are the only criteria a future princess must meet. If there was a checklist for the “Qualities of the Most Ideal Future Princess of Wales”, Kate would scantily fulfill 20% of them:

Intelligence and Wit

Humility

Career ambition/self sufficiency

Physical beauty – (C’mon, princesses are supposed to be pretty! -Especially when the prince is popular enough to take his pick. Kate’s…just…okay…)

Noble/Aristocratic blood (if not this, then a woman who stands far above the crowd of other commoners)

Grace and Conservative femininity (that goes out the window when you’ve been banging the prince for a decade without a commitment – Oh, and the rumored accidental pregnancies (abortion fanatic if they’re true! *cough* TMI *cough*))

Charity and service for those in need (I volunteered like crazy in college, and I’m not anywhere near royal… Why didn’t Kate?! – And why hasn’t she since??)

Respectable and responsible image (yeah, umm, no)

Takes on royal responsibilities to earn royal privileges (Kate’s only got the acceptance of privileges part down…)

Aaaand the list goes on…

Of course, there’s the possibility that Kate’s the girl who’s a match for William’s heart. But I doubt it. Kate’s the girl with everything to lose if the relationship fails, and everything to gain if it succeeds – her greatest skill is that she’s willing/desperate enough to jump through all and any hoops, including waiting 10+ years for a proposal – and William knows it.

It may have been 10 years, but it’s not too late for William to turn around and make a better decision. Kate hasn’t been cheated – contrary to some’s beliefs. She’s lived a decade of fantasy and wonder beyond her wildest dreams, and has continually been treated to luxuries she doesn’t deserve. William owes it to himself, and his country to make a responsible choice about the future Princess of Wales. Yes, he needs to choose a woman he loves, but his privileges require sacrifices on his part, and that means choosing a bride that will be an honorable partner for the people’s sake too. If William was going to wait ’till his late 20s/early 30s to wed, he could have waited to meet a woman who’s getting a PhD, or who runs a charitable non-profit organization, for example. But no : Instead, he’s burdening his country with wishy-washy, Waity Katie.

It’s not about choosing a girl who loves being photographed or relishes living her fantasy of being a fashion icon – or even a real, live princess. It’s about choosing a self-sufficient woman who has something amazing to offer the country and the world: A role model, a charitable, caring person who views joining the monarchy as a responsibility, and an opportunity to serve the people – not just an entitlement to luxurious privileges. Right now, the latter is Kate Middleton; And I don’t foresee her entire irresponsible, pleasure-loving personality changing just because wedding vows are exchanged. What we’ve seen is what we’re going to get as Lady Di’s shoe-filler – if William decides to go through with it. One can only hope that won’t be the case.

[vale-studies-ir]

18.06.2020 - 19.06.2020 | 12-13/100

eek! i’m falling behind on my posts lol. well, I finally got around to starting my turkish notes! i’m so happy about this because I recently purchased a subscription on a language learning website and I wasn’t making the most of it. I wanted to improve and fast-track my path to fluency. 

finished grading all of the discussions for one of my TA classes. now I just have to wait to grade their final essays on monday. now I have to help set up the online course shell for the other professor. busy busy weekend. 

in other news, my little sister graduated high school officially on thursday! I know that the high school seniors didn’t have the ceremony they expected but we tried to at least decorate and through a small party to celebrate her milestone. maybe i’ll feature her in future posts when she starts college in the fall... 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

#2020 Quarantine Challenge | Week 13 

✨Thursday ✨ - What’s your dream car?

the subaru crosstrek!! a totally conventional dream, I know. but honestly i’m at a point in my life where I dream about the things for my future -  including having the perfect mom car. mind you i’m not married yet. waiting on my boyfriend to make the move hahaha. in a long distance relationship so just waiting on the chance to be able  to close the gap.. anyway... tmi :D 

✨Friday✨- What songs have you completely memorized? 

oh geez, it’s going to take me forever to answer this. I'm a music junkie and I was in the school choir when I was younger so i’ve memorized a bunch of songs. I think i’ll have to mention that I won some tickets to a football game in high school (that I never went to lol) for singing party in the usa by miley cyrus without making any mistakes, so there’s that. this was over 6 years ago, I promise! 

other songs.... hm let me list some below....

girl on fire - alicia keys  fallin’ - alicia keys  (pretty much almost every alicia keys song)  I have nothing - whitney houston  halo - beyonce  help - the beatles  unwritten - natasha bedingfield (did I spell her name right? idk) sunday morning - maroon 5  ojos así - shakira  labios compartidos - mana  sen ağlama - badem 

okay i’m burning my brain trying to think of them lol it’s always when you’re asked which songs that you can’t think of anything. 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #303

“if i can’t be loved, then i’ll be hated”

What color are your glasses, if applicable? Black. Candy corn or conversation hearts? They're both gross, don't make me pick between garbage. Do you own a lot of earrings? Not really after I weeded them out before moving. What did your backpack in high school look like? I dare say I had the dopest backpack of them all. It looked like a massive Ouija board, and the zipper was the planchet (sp?). Have you ever been to a rave? Nah. What is your favorite art medium? I have a particular fondness of oil paintings. They tend to look so smooth, and you can achieve incredible realism with them. How far away is the nearest hospital from you? Not even five minutes, I think. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital? My mom. What is your favorite car color? Pink, duh. How did you learn to type? We actually had a class specifically for typing in middle school. What style of wedding dress do you want? I don't have that set in stone yet, but I really do love ballgown dresses with long trains as well as a-lines with a moderate train. I love a lot, except really for mermaid dresses. Do you fit into any stereotype, or are you non-stereotypical? I don't know if I fit perfectly into any and really don't care. Would you want your first child to have your hair color? ???? I don't care about their hair lol?????? It would depend on the hypothetical father, in which case I'd probably find it cute, but this is so, so unimportant. Do you enjoy writing in cursive? Yeah, it just feels good and flowy to me. What is your favorite hair color? Natural? Probably blonde with natural darker undertones throughout. I like blonde hair because it's far easier to dye, haha. Now, if we're including DYED hair, rose gold or pastel pink is *chefs kiss* What is your favorite eye color? Sapphire blue, probz. Would you put your birthday on a different day if you could? Nah, it's fine where it is. What holiday is your birthday closest to? Valentine's. Do you vent on social media a lot? NOOOOOOOO. I barely post ANYTHING about myself on social media because I feel like I'm being annoying, self-absorbed, find anything I do actually interesting, or don't want people to think I'm a whiner. All I ever really do on social media is share or reblog funny shit, things I love, stuff I find relatable or inspirational, educational, important for whatever reason, etc... Do you have abusive parents? I am very thankful to say no. Is your house haunted? Doesn't seem like it. What's your favorite thing to watch on YouTube? I'm in a real WoW-related phase lately... Watching my favorite streamers, gold farming guides, and other various aspects of the game. What are five health problems that you have? I talk about the mental issues enough, so I guess I'll talk about physical stuff here. Uhhh I have very low blood pressure (it's a med side effect), I have extremely weak legs following muscle atrophy, I have bad tremors, especially in my hands (amplified by medication once again), maybe TMI but we're adults here and it's a legit issue that I have chronic and severe conspitation, aaaand then of course I have hyperhidrosis (excessive sweating) to a fucking outrageous and also humiliating degree. Ooooonce again as a prescription side effect. This answer made meds sound kinda bad, I know, but really, I'd rather have the will to live and just have to deal with these than want to die everyday and not. Do you have surgery coming up? No, let's keep it that way until I lose enough weight and when I am 110% getting loose skin removal. Which family member(s) do you look the most like? My sisters, ig. People say my mom also, but I honestly don't see it. Have you ever cried while watching a YouTube video? Yeah, usually just in let's plays, but it's happened for other reasons. Are you missing a website that just shut down? Nah, none that I know of. NO. FUCKING WAIT. So, when my laptop was fixed, a LOT of shit was wiped from it, and that included all of my goddamn Lightroom editing presets. The site they were from no longer exists, so I had to use a different, pretty sub-par one to install at least a few because it helps me get a start on editing the photograph and leaning towards the "vibe" I want before spending like 15+ minutes tuning it myself. Would you be a barefoot bride? No. Which would you rather name your daughter: Eliana, Echo, Emerald, or Ellery? Ohhh, I like these. I think I prefer "Eliana," but "Echo" is a close second. "Ellery" is nice, but it sounds too much like "celery" to name my kid that lmao. Which would you rather name your son: Maverick, Matthew, or Moses? Ugh, none, honestly. But "Matthew" wins. When was the last time you gave a speech? Like a *legit" speech? Probably not since uhhh... I guess when I argued my disability case at court? Does that even count? Have you ever been in a stampede? Well, never seen this'n in a survey before, so good job, lol. No. If you were a fairy, what color would you like your wings to be? It would depend on what I wore, really. And my hair. But probably light pink. Would you rather name your son Storm, Skylar, Sorin, or Solomon? "Sorin." "Skylar" is SO Southern, and "Solomon" sounds like the creepy kid all his classmates avoid and I ain't putting my kid through that. Did you read a devotional this morning? Not my jam. Would you rather be named Arizona, Alaska, Cali, or Georgia? Hm... "Alaska" is actually kinda cool???? And I'm white as fuck so lol????? I wouldn't mind to nickname of "Ally," anyway. Are you repulsed by ugly reptiles? lololol bro get out Did all your friends know about your first crush or was it a secret? I was definitely secretive and shy about it when I first started getting crushes. Do you ever feel insecure about going out without makeup? I feel insecure either way, so... How many different natural hair colors are there in your immediate family? So, this is a hard question to answer. My mom was born with brown hair, but it darkened to almost black; only her daughter Katie inherited that. By some genetic magic, Dad had blond hair as a kid, but it also turned black. Like... how?????? I was born with dirty blonde hair like him, and mine turned an average brown with age. My immediate sisters have always had brown hair. What is your favorite online game? World of Warcraft is ballin'. Would you ever want to be famous and sign autographs? Ha, the idea of signing autographs is awful... I can't physically write very long without my carpal tunnel flaring up. Do you like your shirt to be loose or tight? LOOSE. Especially as a bigger person, tight shirts are just really uncomfortable. What is your favorite Spanish name? I don't know nearly enough to answer this. Would you rather visit Asia or Europe? I think Asia is, in general, more interesting and prettier as a whole, but I guess I'm drawn to European culture being more like my own and there are specific locations I'm interested in, like Germany or Scotland. So to answer the question, I guess Europe wins. Are there any Asians in your family? I don't believe so. Have you ever had colored braces? Haha yeah, I did that when I had them. Do you take birth control pills? Yes, just for period cramps. Without them, they can be immobilizing for me. If you live in the USA: do you feel free and safe? Ha, no. Well, not *entirely*. Have you ever been sick on your birthday? I was recovering from the stomach virus, if that counts. As in I still got sick the day before and felt iffy on my actual bday. 17th, I think? Is talking about your past painful for you? Yes. Are you a member of any support groups online? I'm a member of The Mighty site, if that counts. When I'm feeling very, very sound of mind and helpful without all the negativity being a detriment to myself, I do like going on there and trying to help or comfort people. Have you ever called a suicide hotline? Yes, and the line was busy, and that's when I decided I was a goner. Do you ever fantasize about revenge? I uhhhhh... sometimes. What's a movie you would recommend to someone who never watches movies? Ohhh, that's hard. I don't really watch movies either, and I'm trying to think of one that essentially anyone would like, so hm. Oh, Coco is absolutely a possibility. That movie touched me so, so deeply and is high on my favorites list. It's impossible to not feel the emotions. Do you want to have grandkids? Hell, I don't want kids. Do you want to be an aunt or uncle? I already am one, and I love being an aunt. Who was your favorite Spice Girl? I don't remember their names or characters in general. Did you make a lot of home videos growing up? I mean *I* didn't, but Mom filmed quite a few. Do you enjoy babysitting? NO. What's an unpopular opinion that you have? Avoiding some political ones, uhhhh. OH. HERE'S ONE. THE SCENE AESTHETIC IS FUCKING CUTE AND NOT CRINGEY AND YOU CAN FIGHT ME ABOUT IT. Are you attracted to the opposite gender, same gender, or both? Both are A+. Was your first crush on someone of the same gender or opposite? Opposite. As a kid, I didn't even fathom the concept that women could date women. What is something you'll never eat again? Why? Brussel sprouts. Fucking disgusting. What is currently happening that is scaring you? Besides the very obvious answer of "Covid," I worry about my mom a lot. She's so weakened after all the chemo and meds and can do literally less than I can without heavily breathing and sweating. I just worry a lot that cancer will return sooner than we hope; I don't want it to EVER come back, but doctors say it is very, very likely at one point or another because she was so very close to Stage 4. What would be your personal hell? Being completely and entirely isolated forever while somewhere hot and humid, lol. And play one of my trigger songs on repeat eternally. What made the "weird kid" at your school weird? There was this poor guy named Alfred that was VERY clearly depressed out of his mind, and I heard him speak maybe once through all of high school, and the entire class couldn't believe it. He always sat way in the back and never smiled. I wonder how he is nowadays. What is a word you personally find offensive? "Retarded" personally offends me the most when misused and spoken as an insult. What instantly puts you to sleep? Now that is HARD to do; I have a ridiculously hard time going to sleep. The easiest way though would probably be me being drained from an emotional breakdown. That is so exhausting that I'm capable of crashing pretty fast and hard. What song is in a language you don't speak, but you love it anyway? I adore Rammstein, so there's plenty. I'll probably say "Donaukinder" is their best. What is something you would like to do if you weren’t judged for doing it? I keep that I RP a complete secret in my "real" life for this reason unless it's like, pried out of me. What's a movie you think everyone should watch? Why that one? Johnny Got His Gun. See how goddamn disgusting war is. What was the most unexpected good thing that's ever happened to you? Ha, realizing I was bisexual after once being homophobic. What is the funniest fact you know? Oh man, I know a lot of random trivia shit, really, so it's hard to say. Maybe that quokkas throw their offspring at predators to distract and escape from them... As awful as that is, c'mon, you gotta admit it's funny and shocking with just how adorable they are. What was your 'mic drop' moment? Oh, I don't know. Possibly when I publicly came out as bi on Facebook and made it abundantly clear that I gave no shits about some homophobic friends and family & I was beyond willing to let anyone's ass go over it. What's the kindest way a stranger has treated you? I remember as a kid at McDonald's, the woman in front of our car paid for our food; apparently seeing a mom, dad, and three kids in a van was enough that she wanted to just be kind and give us a smile. We have no idea who she was, never saw her face or anything, she was just a sweet woman. What is the biggest design flaw of your body? Okay, I'm going to let go of all hatred for my body weight-wise and just think of this as from a strictly natural design perspective, in which case I'd say my toes are too small. What age are you afraid of turning and why? 30, because I'm terrified of getting there and seeing I've possibly gone nowhere. What is the strangest thing you have ever felt? I'm keeping this question in just because I think there could be some interesting answers for others, but I'm witholding my answer because nobody wants or needs to know lmao. What makes someone immediately unlikable? Acting better than others and belittling. Who's a villain you sympathize with and why? D A R K I P L I E R because of his origins and overall purpose and just simply existing. What is something you regret to NOT have done? I have this oddly weird regret of not going like, all-all the way with He Who Shall Not Be Named????? Idk why though????? Considering I loved him way too much and I was a reckless and impulsive person who probably at some point would have wound up accidentally pregs????? What a fuckin trip that woulda been. What movie changed your life for the better? None have really "changed my life." What book you think should be directed as a film? Oh, idk. Most I can think of have been. Of all the decades you've lived in, which one have you liked best? The 2000s, probably. A carefree kid. How are you doing today? I'm exhausted. While out with Mom and my sisters yesterday, we got behind a van whose driver was obviously drunk or high off his goddamn ass, and he was swerving EVERYWHERE, nearly shoving so many cars off the road. Mom called 911 to get in contact with highway patrol to report his dumb fucking ass in. I was having an absolute panic attack and cried quietly like the entire 45 or so minute drive home. I was just so, so upset because this is why I don't fucking drive, and I felt like I'd made my sister (who was driving) mad because she had to firmly tell me I had to calm down (I was hyperventilating and talking to myself to try to calm down) if she was going to focus and keep us safe. She later ensured me she wasn't mad, but I still wasn't the same the entire rest of the day. Anyway, I slept hard last night but had two nightmares, so I'm still really tired today. I'm trying to keep myself really distracted. What's something your relatives don't know about you? A whole lot really, considering beyond my very immediate family, I see almost nobody because they live many states away. What's something your parents did, which you have sworn never to do? Mom would spank us or slap an arm pretty hard if my sisters or I misbehaved or "disrespected" her by "talking back." I'm not having kids, but I would never, ever, ever, put my hands on them in any way that isn't loving. You do not teach children via inflicting fear. I also have this probably overly strong aversion to beer because that's what Dad always drank as an alcoholic. I'll probably never try it, not that I really want to because it smells awful. What's the most annoying thing your pet does? I feel like "annoying" is the wrong word for this, but Roman (my cat) can be incredibly demanding of attention and to lie on me when I'm on the laptop in bed, and sometimes I just want space and be able to clearly see the screen, haha. He will legit meow like a baby and gently swat my arm sometimes if I try to keep him back. Heeee usually gets his way. As for Venus (snek), she does nothing "annoying" either, but rather a bit concerning to a snake mom: she is usually very slow to find and strike her food. I feed her frozen/thawed mice, and she will first slither around her entire cage, tongue flicking and clearly looking for her food, even though I always place it atop the same spot on her hide, and she can have her head RIGHT beside it and still do nothing. She ultimately generally eats (as a ball python though, she's a picky eater and will occasionally reject a meal), but I of course wonder why she's odd about dinnertime... As a champagne, she does have the notorious "spider gene" in her, which can cause neurological issues, but idk if something like this could be related.

[doberbutts]

 Okay so this is going to get long and more than a little bit tmi but it’s a post summing up some strides I’ve made regarding my own transgender journey and I wanted a place to talk about it and maybe help some BabyTrans figure themselves out along the way so I’m putting it under the cut but it’ll go here >:V

Anyway long story short my insurance settlement from my car accident finally figured itself out and I found myself suddenly $30k richer and immediately spent about $10k of that digging myself out of a very deep debt hole I’ve been wallowing in for a while so now I have some actual financial stability plus have some money to throw at some things that would probably make my life a bit better.

And since I have the money to throw at some things, I bought myself a few new binders and also a packer. Binders because my old one was literally disintegrating- part of that is my fault, washing binders in an industrial machine on high heat plus throwing it in the dryer means your binder falls apart faster than it should. Remember I’m from the very end of Ye Olden Days of transmasc products, which means previously most binders lasted a year at most. My binder made it 2.5 years before giving up and becoming a sports bra instead. I’ve learned from my mistakes and treat my binder(s) much more gently now, plus I have more than one so I can rotate them out and not wear the same binder 8-12 hours daily for 2.5 years and kill it doing exactly the same shit.

For reference sake, I’m 5′10′’, 180lbs, 36C bust, and fit a XL from gc2b. Which is who I bought both my previous binder and my current set from. They are low cost, lightweight, well made, and LGBT-owned and operated which makes me super into buying from them instead of some of the other companies offering something similar.

Being that I am biracial and finding something my skintone is always somewhat... interesting... I followed the internet’s suggestion and went with PeeCock for the packer. I’d bought a zip binder from them a few years ago and actually found that to be the most comfortable binder I’ve ever used in the history of ever, but I will say the durability of zip binders is low compared to pull-over binders in my experience, as the zipper exploded one day when I bent down to pick up a small dropped item. I’d had the binder and was rotating its use with my pullover gc2b for about 6 months when this happened, and was in public when I went from flat chested to big uncontained tiddies in the span of seconds. Not great. I’ve been told that probably means it was a little too small for me, but PeeCock is a company based in Singapore, and their sizes like most East Asian clothing do run quite a bit small (I was a XXL in PeeCock sizes when I wore a size L gc2b binder) so there’s not really a lot of wiggle room for me to go up in size. Additionally their sizing taps out at XXXL so anyone who’s bigger than me in the chest/torso is a bit out of luck for their binders. A shame, because that zip binder was so comfortable I fell asleep in it forgetting I even had it on more than once.

Anyway. Since I did like that binder even though we had the wardrobe mishap, and the internet had pretty good reviews on the PeeCock packers because they are multifunctional and actually make correct skin tones for black dudes, I got one. Since money wasn’t an issue I did get the most recent model which was not cheap (~$300) and so far I like it a lot. I got so used to wearing it that when I take it off to clean it, it actually really bothers me. The weight of it is... comforting, in a way.

HOWEVER I did see a bunch of reviews about how I would be super likely to pee on myself the first time using it and then used it and went “wow I don’t have any idea what you guys are talking about this is easy” aaaaand... then peed on myself by accident. Gotta control your stream or things are going to overflow and you’re going to be really sad. And wet. And stinky. Thankfully I had the forethought to practice at home before actually doing this at work/public restrooms but be warned. Being that this is my first one I can’t say if this is common with all packers however I told several of my transmasc friends that do pack and use STP about this experience and they all assured me they did the exact same thing on and off for the first couple weeks and most of them do not have the same brand. We’ve yet to have a repeat at least?

Plus there’s a little attachment rod so I can use it for sexy times with the boyf and also feel what I’m doing to him so there’s that too. 10/10 A+ experience would recommend. The packaging warns you to be careful how you pack because of the way the silicone works, and your partner cannot be on top or ride you, so keep that in mind if you’re considering it. Cleaning is pretty straightforward however and packing feels correct and natural as long as you follow a few rules:

I’ve discovered that whatever size you consider a perfect fit? Unless you like really relaxed fit for your pants, you’ll need to go a size up. I wear tighter clothing and usually skinny jeans at that, and my exact perfect size has been 34/32 for some time now. When packing I need to go up to 36/32 because otherwise wow that crotch is way too tight. I can’t sit down in one of my pairs of jeans and I’m legit sad about it. I also can’t have anything in the pockets of a different pair of jeans or else I have the same tight crotch problem. I went up a size in underwear and that was more comfortable, so I ordered new pants from online and I’ll see if that helps as much as I’m expecting it too.

Speaking of underwear, ymmv, but I genuinely did not expect this. Jockstraps? Super comfy, super durable, and super convenient. Additionally unlike boxers or even briefs, I don’t need a special packing-specific design to be comfortable in one. I never wore one before and honestly this doesn’t even feel like wearing underwear. They’re really just a banana hammock anyway so that’s probably a large part of it, but honestly I would definitely recommend trying them if you haven’t yet. I do have a few pairs of packing briefs and boxers, as well as normal briefs and boxers, and I’ve been alternating between the various types of undies to see which ones I prefer, but I already know my decision so I bought several because I can. One word of advice, though... if your pants ride down understand that your entire butt will be out. I don’t wear low rise pants because they draw too much attention to my waistline and make me super dysphoric, but those that do, watch out.

Jockmail is highly rated and multiple transmasc websites recommend them for packing and I can absolutely see why. Usually the waistband of my underwear irritates my skin and so I was dubious because Jockmail stuff- being that it’s for athletic wear- has a minimum waistband of about 2in... but it’s actually more comfortable and less irritating, rather than the other way around. They also have briefs, boxers (more like short shorts), and boxer briefs, which I also have of the same brand, but... not as comfy. Once again Jockmail is a Hong Kong company so like all East Asian clothes, they run small. I’m a M in most men’s clothing sizes... I am XXL in Jockmail. I also had purchased a brief harness from PeeCock (goes by inches for waist) as well. (Also where I discovered you need to go a size up- I bought a 34in waist brief from PeeCock and it’s a tad tight. I bought a 36in waist brief from Jockmail and it’s perfect. I have been buying 34in waist things for the past few years now- I didn’t suddenly gain 2 inches at the waist, I did suddenly gain a need for a deeper crotch)

If you look down your body from above it will be super obvious that there is a dick there and you will go “oh god I look like I have an erection”. I have been reliably informed that it is actually not true and if you pack correctly a bulge will be there but not so obvious that it looks like you have a raging hardon the whole time. Better to look in the mirror, rather than down your tummy.

(Additionally I voiced my doubts to my boyf who immediately reminded me that most people don’t spend their time staring at someone’s crotch and as long as I wasn’t constantly messing with mine, no one was likely to notice even if I did have an obnoxiously obvious bulge. He then gave me some tips on how to let it hang if I wanted a “natural” look, and when we walked around while I had it on he made sure to check in on my mental health. He’s cute y’all.)

Some (cis) guys will have a specific leg they like to let things hang against. Some switch it up. Some are okay with it hanging straight down provided there’s not a lot of squish happening. Find what feel comfortable and needs the least amount of adjustment for you, and then stick with that. For me, I’ve found straight down or off to the left feels better- a friend of mine prefers off to the right, another straight down only, etc. Also can depend on the size- some (cis) guys I know are a bit smaller down below and are more comfortable with straight down than those with larger weiners.

If you pack you probably need to shave. I was very uncomfortable until I shaved. Now I feel much better packing. So trim that jungle or else you might feel a pinch every few minutes when a hair gets pulled.

And there you have me this morning before I got dressed. As you can see, both fit very nicely. I’m not particularly happy with my stomach or feminine hip set but eh, I cover those with layers and no one bats an eye.

At this point it’s figuring out the whole hormones thing, yelling at my insurance to cover certain surgeries, and... fixing some minor details with my wardrobe... and I’m feeling way more confident than I was a few years ago.

Anyway if anyone has questions feel free to hit me up

[beckinblack61]

One Year of Daily Blogging?

I’m watching the Unus Annus livestream right now, (may they R.I.P. by the way, hope I don’t fall asleep before the the end of it all,) and Mark and Ethan have inspired me to commit to doing something for one year in hopes of personal growth and to prove to myself that I can finish things if I simply put my mind to them (because procrastination is a b***h.) So... I might try blogging daily/online journaling starting tonight?

I don’t know if this is going to stick, or if at the least that this will stay on tumblr and not migrate to either a physical journal or something else, but I hope this will. I only started my tumblr account merely days ago, and I’m still unaware of whether or not tumblr is truly “dead” or not, as many people have suggested. I was half expecting that the website wouldn’t even work, so there’s that.

I have no plans for this. This may devolve into extremely stupid, short posts that I only make to fulfill my goal of journaling daily, or maybe (hopefully) I take this more seriously. Either way, here goes nothing.

Here is my last-minute idea of writing down my possible goals for this endeavor:

Improving my writing, vocabulary, grammar, etc. (I might pursue a career in English, but who knows as I surely don’t.)

Learning about myself/recording my advances in figuring out my gender, sexuality, identity, and other cliché things to say.

Helping my sanity through expressing myself during this pandemic and presidential election mess (oh lovely America, what a time to be alive.)

Mimicking Veronica from The Heathers (the first musical I ever saw, albeit illegally uploaded to YouTube) and having a “diary” so-to-speak during my senior year of high school. Maybe one day I can look back on this and laugh or cry or both or neither.

… And now my clock reads midnight. Staying up until 3AM is probably not a great decision, given I have a bowling match tomorrow. It’s not until 1PM though, so I should have ample time to sleep in. Sleeping from 3-9AM results in around 6 hours of sleep, which should be alright (although I know I won’t fall asleep that fast; I never can.)

This might not be the only thing I commit to doing for a year, as I have a lot of other ideas, though this is likely the one I am most likely to stick to. I would like to draw daily. I used to draw far more than I do now, which I regret leaving behind. I used to post my attempts at what some would call art on Instagram, which I quickly abandoned. I would also like to stay more on track with reading, another thing I recently have fallen behind on. My collection of the BNHA manga is staring me down from my bookshelf out of the corner of my right eye, alongside my book one of the newly released Fangirl manga, which I need to read soon to lend to my best friend that I unapologetically got hooked on Rainbow Rowell.

Is this getting too long? Quite possibly so. But if I stop doing something I fear I will fall asleep and miss the end of Unus Annus, so I will continue.

Let me get some things off of my chest to start, as I plan on being brutally honest to myself here as an outlet and to help figure out myself more easily. I may or may not be doing so as also inspired by Symptoms of Being Human by Jeff Garvin. I highly recommend you read the book if you are in need of some new literature to feed on. That book likely opened my eyes to my own gender exploration.

But as I was saying, about getting things off of my chest. I currently identify as genderqueer, under the non-binary umbrella. I’m fairly unsure of my gender, and am open for it to continuously change, so I am inclined to refrain from labeling it. If I were to try and clarify further, I might go with demi-boy, genderfluid, or gray-gender. I think I lean more masculine than anything, though I’m not certain. I feel fairly unattached to the idea of gender for myself, personally. The lines are blurred for me as far as what it means to be a “boy” or a “girl”. (Side-note: I need an Unus Annus tattoo.)

Something that adds to this confusion is my sexuality, in an odd way. Is this TMI? I don’t know. No one is likely seeing this anyways. I’m either pansexual or bisexual, depending on your definition of either. I think I can love anyone of any gender identity, if I simply love them as a person. I may have a strong bias for men. And, I think I prefer the thought of a guy who refers to me with male pronouns? So who knows, I may be trans and also gay. Or entirely queer, both in the sense of sexuality and gender. I’m still figuring things out and may never will. Is that slightly terrifying? Yeah, maybe.

But, the catch is that I’m not out yet IRL. One person in my life, my best friend, knows I am pansexual. I’ve been considering telling them about being genderqueer and leaning masculine. I haven’t yet. I don’t know if I should bring it up yet? Because I don’t know my gender fully, I’m concerned about telling someone one thing and then deciding that I’m not that the next day. Is this technically imposter syndrome or something? I don’t know. I feel like I’ve heard somewhere that if you’re worried about not being trans, you’re likely trans as a comfortably cisgender person wouldn’t be worried about not being trans. Who knows if that’s true.

So. I’m genderqueer and bi/pan and in the closet basically about all of it to basically everyone. Lovely.

Also, as you could probably guess, Briar is a name I only recently chose to go by. Recently meaning in the past few days. I hope Briar leans masculine, though I’m unsure of whether it truly does or not. I just think it fits me better. I’m AFAB (assigned female at birth.) Only some of my social medias have received the name change: my Instagram, my Reddit, and my Pinterest. My Instagram technically hasn’t fully been changed yet, as I am currently locked from changing my name for 2 weeks for no reason, but my technical username has changed. I need to change my google account name, but, being tied to my YouTube, which my brother is subscribed to, I don’t want to set off any possible alarms just yet.

Why “BriarInBlack61″ then? Well, black is one of, if not my only, favorite color. It makes up the majority of my closet. (Yes, so originally edgy, I know.) The number 61 is in reference to what is arguably the best chapter of Carry On by Rainbow Rowell, another book I highly suggest you read. Carry On is likely my favorite book I’ve ever read. I adore Simon and Baz with all of my heart and am very curious as to what Anyway The Wind Blows brings.

Again, I apologize for the length of this post. Alas, it has only reached 1:19AM now. Should I retire this post?

I probably should, in hopes of leaving something to elaborate on tomorrow. Good day or good night to whoever has stumbled upon this book of a post. May I hopefully not fall to sleep before 3.

Sincerely, 

               Briar

Saturday, November 14, 2020, 1:26 AM