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Love seeing discourse like “we should stop people from writing about inappropriate or problematic subjects.” Like cool. So you’re gonna fight with human nature itself. Good luck with that.
#if something has happened humans are gonna tell a story about it#if something hasn’t happened humans are gonna tell a story about it#if it’s the wildest shit you’ve ever imagined anyone coming up with#humans are gonna tell a story about it#that’s what we do here#we tell stories about weird shit
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I like to think in the P.E au that Anya and Curly specifically get haunted hard by Jimmy's weird reality crossing guilt manifested.
It's targeting them because Jimmy's guilt grows more around them. The idea of him acting and playing nice despite what he did. It's like a buffet that allows it to pick from their plates.
Anya sees this stagnant version of her, blood from her mouth, clutching her stomach with a bottle of pills in her other hand. She's talking about not being heard, a pixel, relief from a burden. She tries to ask a question and it's never the right one. She's not understanding but in a way, she's getting that this version of her is in pain. She tries to help, extends a hand and asks how she can help, stop it. She stares and there's utter despair and disappointment in her eyes.
What did you do?
Curly sees this burnt mangled thing. But he can't call it that. Even with no skin and chipping teeth, covered in sullied bandages and smelling of death overdue, he can see his face. He can recognized that eye, he stares at it a lot in the mirror, usually a second one is attached but he digresses. They are just watching, staring and unmoving. He asks himself what happened, how can he help and his own retched mangled voice comes out from a empty maw.
I told you.
They have no idea what it really means. They don't know who to tell. Flashes of a life they don't know or maybe a future they haven't lived yet. Perhaps they treat it as their own minds trying to tell them something. They bare that burden themselves and that alone makes it heavier. Plumper. More appetizing to the guilt causing it.
Tragically that guilt is not their own.
#refining the au and the crew cant see the entity always but pretty much its always felt sort of like a mind over matter debacle#it is like the code scanner sections where only jimmy sees it but it can kinda interact with things to an extent like a force of negative#energy jimmy cant just outright tell them cause theyll just think he's insane but he can't ignore it cause he can't ignore the guilt anymor#anya and curly are its biggest targets as it is relatively easy for him to rectify the issues with Swansea and Daisuke vs the internalized#problems he has with Anya and Curly and its sort of about him no longer becoming that person he was in that future cause its the same#timeline but like divergence he was sent back with something awful and the story is less about forgiveness and more about repenting#hes still weird and an asshole he is being tormented but no one else gets seriously hurt so bittersweet#its like a fix-it but like imagine getting put into a perfect world with all the knowledge of ur fuck ups and now being haunted by the#guilt you will do the same shit again because you already have and having to prove you arent that person but then you also prove you didnt#ever have to be that person so you damn yourself even more like this doesn't end happy for Jimmy like ill tell you that but he'll actually#learn something so yeah thats somethting but everyone is still a little worse after this but can move on happily#the demons are tormenting each other by blaming them for Jimmy's actions invertedly cause while its not her fault anya in the reg timeline#def wondered if she stayed silent if this all wouldve happened even though it really isnt her fault and Curly knew deep down how bad Jimmy#was how bad he was to him and he likely told himself Jimmy would be the end of him and a lot of other but was so beaten down he couldnt go#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#curly mouthwashing#captain curly#anya mouthwashing#nurse anya#jimmy mouthwashing#pe au#thinking of calling it pestilent equine au? that sound good? we like P.E is just the short funny name for it?
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Confessing my sins to the internet because my irl friends don't know my tumblr
I'm actually a horrible friend and I don't plan to change :)
I'll be a good friend to anyone I actually like and I usually don't associate with people who I don't like, but sometimes there will be an occasional lonely (usually annoying) kid that follows me around. (They're lonely for a reason.) I kinda hate people who are loud literally all the time but I can hold my tongue and this kinda person just doesn't leave because they're not being told directly to leave.
What do I do? I talk to them only when I need them, I make unnecessarily mean comments as a joke, I point out their obvious flaws that I know they have a hard time changing, and all while they still follow me around like I'm not kinda bullying them.
Sometimes I'll treat them like an actual friend when I'm in a good mood, but if I'm not, then the unfortunate victim becomes my emotional punching bag. (I have ways to quickly fix my mood and this is completely unnecessary and I could distance myself until I feel better like how I do with actual friends.) I think this is like. Breadcrumbing? Anyways yeah, toxic shit.
If any of your "friends" treat you like this, they don't see you as a friend. If they leave you doubting if they like you or not, leave you doubting if you're actually friends, they probably don't see you as a friend. (because that's the case for me :3 )
I'm a horrible human being and I don't feel nearly as bad as I should about it :)
#i had a friend in primary school who was treated like this by me and my then best friend for the whole 6 years#she was very much bullied i think#we literally had a “class x girls group” and “class x girls group without (victim)” and we sometimes shit talked her in there#my best friend was a bit more obvious about not liking her#she would like be my shield anytime things got confrontational while i never stood up for myself#pretty sure she shared snacks with me a lot too and i just never returned the favour.#and now theres this boy that has nearly no friends who follow me around during breaks#just today i literally gave him the silent treatment because i was having an inner monologue and i didn't bother telling him#i even found it kinda funny that i walked around silently while he muttered to himself and questioned if he did anything wrong#like dude no you didn't do anything wrong but also i found it too funny to correct you#i have actual friends that i treat decently btw#like. without all this weird shit#i just take advantage of the loney and probably neurodivergent kids :)#moral of the story. please have more than 1 friend. especially irl. dont let them treat you like how i treat these poor “friends” of mine#ive literally never told the 2 people i mentioned here anything along the lines of “im grateful i have you”#feel free to stop being my friend because of a post like this :3#i wouldnt say i *like* being a horrible friend but also im like. not doing anything about it and not bothering to change for the sake of#these people who are already kind of outcasted and probably need someone to rely on#“im not doing charity” proceeds to refuse basic respect to these people because theyre “annoying”#you could call this a vent post#im kind of telling myself that im a horrible person to begin with so i feel less bad about “breaking character” on top of being guilty#honestly i hope this kind of person finds someone who genuinely accepts them because they deserve better than this#and also because theyre a headache for me and im sick of them
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that stupid comicbook.com article and also fan response in general to the companion romance situation annoys me so bad for the sole reason that everyone acts like the only people in the game are the pc and playable companions
#mine#dragon age#so many people use dorian as justification and like. you know we could have non romanceable characters who are gay#where’s the people using cassandra as evidence for why this is good actually#‘it limits the types of stories you can tell’ with THOSE specific characters. however there are probably others#i’ll admit i thought it was bizarre that they made every companion romanceable. i hate to make this comparison bc i know everyone has been#saying they’re similar when they’re really not. but that specifically feels like some baldurs gate shit#but like. think of leliana in inquisition. joker in mass effect. etc. characters whose story develops even if they’re not going on missions#it’s just this weird video game conception that sexuality only exists for romanceable characters#(or i should say. people assume every NPC is heterosexual by default. until proven otherwise by a romance arc)#but like. everyone uses the dorian example. his conflict with his homophobic father happens regardless of whether you romance him#it’s not tied to the fact that he’s romanceable. y’all just see sexuality as only relevant when you personally can or cannot smash#idk if the lighthouse will be populated now that we know it’s in the fade but theoretically we’ll have allies#and some of those allies. may identify as something other than cishet#or other than pansexual if that’s the problem but grow up. pansexual characters are not cheap and not lesser#playersexuality is a concept so gamer bros can pretend their companions are straight#because if they don’t interact with dorian and sera they can pretend everyone is straight in this game#here’s the thing like. i can understand the disappointment that every character is romanceable bc. sigh. gaider does make a good point#but that’s not what’s going on here. people are upset the companions are explicitly pan and the game is Woke#and they might try to spin it as ‘b but what about dorian’s arc in a game like this’ when once again#there may be other characters. who are not companions. who we spend time with#varric and solas are literally in all of the stuff we’ve and neither of them are playable#come ON
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i sit with my saint sebastian medallion clutched in my hand like a lifeline because i’m normal
#contemplating going to sleep with it clutched in my hands. for comfort. because i’m normal#anxious about leaving the house without it most days 👍 because i’m normal 🫡#valentine notes#‘oh saint sebastian is the basic saint’ you are NOT like me. except you are. because i’m normal.#<— pisses me off i didn’t spend my entire childhood being fixated on that guy independent of any outside influence to be called basic for it#‘oh he’s the basic saint’ i want you to sit in a catholic church and read his story over and over again for years and come back and tell me#that you aren’t preoccupied with him an unhealthy amount. sorry that my chosen saint is sick as fuck that’s not my fault#i’ll start getting weird about saint florian or some shit. saint valentine even.#start venerating the mother mary. if we want to talk about basic.#anyway
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im so glad i cleared out so many of my old posts bc i remember listening to this podcast while still in Performative Fandom Mode and god that must've made me unbearable.
like i remember making a post about maxwell once bc she was my blorbo but also being like "oh no im a bad person for liking her, better preface this by saying she's a bad person so people don't think i excuse her actions!" and then someone got mad at me about it and i was so confused bc what do you mean im not supposed to do that on the callout post walk on eggshells website
#w359 tag#i dont want to know what my other Opinions were to be quite honest so relistening to purify whatever's left over of all that#OH WAIT I THINK I SHIPPED HERA/PRYCE AND MAXWELL/HERA#AND FELT LIKE I HAD TO BE QUIET ABOUT IT JLKSDFJ#can;t imagine the disclaimers i had on any posts about those#anyway i was like 17 so i will be nice to past me but god hellsite hellsite hellsite#oh and people were so shitty about minlace bc the possible infidelity and like#sorry that makes it better#and then minkowski/eiffel was totally fine for Some Reason?#WOW BEING A LESBIAN IN FANDOM ESPECIALLY THIS FANDOM REALLY SUCKED#(i do remember people also being weird about minfel just for other reasons#it just felt weirdly homophobic when it came to minlace bc they always brought in the cheating thing for them specifically#whereas i think with minfel it was like 'this is problematic bc they're sibling coded' or some shit lol)#anyway i was probably awful about other things bc again still in performative moral fandom weirdness mode at the time#where i didnt know i could have my own opinions etc#so i was also probably a source of stress for people#it was just an overall insane experience#esp bc of how much the fandom demanded of the people involved with the podcast#to the point where we got a fucking after school special style AMA#bc we had to Hold Them Accountable for... telling a story
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yeah sorry, maybe another hot take, but fanfiction isn’t an exception to negative opinions and critique. hating on it irrationally -or to be purposely malicious- and completely disregarding someone’s creativity and effort is one thing, but expressing dislike for a fanfiction, or the characterization, or whatever it may be, that’s literally fine. are we forgetting how for literal YEARS, there were countless people publicly sharing their dislike for things like “after,” and “50 shades of grey,” and those not literally works of fanfiction? don’t go and harass the author, don’t clique up and bash on the author or their work, don’t make a huge deal of it, and don’t be a downright douche, but do share your opinions on it, and don’t listen to anybody that tries to tell you that you can’t. it’s literally not that deep. coming from someone who has written and published fanfiction several times over the timespan of YEARS, i am 100% aware of the potential of people disliking it, critiquing it, and even straight up bashing it. i’m not posting fanfiction to make my way to be new york’s best fuckin seller, i’m posting it because it’s fun, silly, and an expression of my creativity, and because i like the band/artist/people i’m writing about. i still love writing, i still love said band/artist/people. people are allowed to write whatever the hell they want, and people are allowed to have whatever opinion of it they want to. end of.
#fanfiction#writers of tumblr#fanfiction author#authors of tumblr#author#writing#ao3#fanfiction.net#wattpad#truly trying really hard not to be like#hey you guys are fucking weird#but you guys are fucking weird#if you GENUINELY believe that we shouldn’t critique fanfiction ever#that tells me you take this shit WAY too seriously#that isn’t me dismissing art and creativity#it’s me literally understanding that fanfiction isn’t reality and it’s just for fun and there will still be tons of other people#who will love that author and their work#like don’t be a downright hater about it#because people are allowed to share their art and things they enjoy#but yeah say you didn’t like this thing or that thing and why you didn’t#and move on#and before anyone tries to say some shit about tags or filters on fanfiction#i’ve been reading a fanfiction and enjoying it and have been aware of the tags#and still didn’t like the work#or changed my mind on it once i was done#or didn’t like how a specific tag or topic that was used#was developed within the story#not just because of a personal preference either#but because there was a natural flow to the story#and then there wasn’t
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#legit though part of why i often find myself more interested in m/f ships is two-fold#a) they still have women in them and b) m/f ships are allowed to be. well. fucked up for lack of a better word#like my god there were people losing their shit about shadowzel and saying it was wrong to ship it#when frankly it's a very tame example enemies to lovers even though we like to joke about ''toxic yuri''#but there's fuckin discourse about it because istg there's this weird attitude that f/f ships need to be Pure or whatever the fuck??#have y'all ever known lesbians irl??? wlw are every bit as screwed up as everybody else#and yes positive rep is important but i think queer women ESPECIALLY should be allowed to tell the stories they want to tell#without members of their own community jumping down their throats and telling them they're morally bankrupt#because their ship isn't all soft sunshine and rainbows and equal power dynamics and Correct Thinking On The Issues#maybe policing and shaming real queer women for ''glorifying abuse'' or whatever the fuck#(when most of the time they aren't even doing that!!!!)#is the actual negative impact here
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man yellowjackets would be so much better if it didnt keep cutting back to the present day
#incoming tag rant#I DONT CARE ABOUT THESE GROWN ASS WOMEN SHOW ME THE LORD OF THE FLIES SHIT#like i dont wanna see that shauna is having an affair i wanna see these teenagers go crazy dude#im not kidding i skip through all the present day shit like an ad on youtube bc i dont cAREEEEE#its starting to frustrate me BROOOO#also how are they making three seasons outta this what more story can you tell#bc if its not about the wilderness im not gonna watch it HAHA#one could say im impatient and thats the point of tension and buildup BUT i can argue that these ladies' lives are fucking boring HAHA#i wanna know more about lottie and why she has weird visions (which they allude to in the cold open) bUT we're back to taissa and her bs#n e way both actresses who play misty are great i wanna kick her fucking throat in LMFAOO /pos to the actresses#we dont even see how it traumatized them in present day which would actually be interesting#all we know is shauna is guilty and taissa is vegan now LIKEEEEE who the fuck cares man HAHAH#and i guess someone is blackmailing them? okay ?? and ?????#sidenote does it ever bother anyone else when shows/movies show [usually] girls naked that are supposed to be teenagers ?#like the actress is 20-30 n a consenting adult but in the eyes of the show im supposed to be looking at a 16 year old girl ? thats weird !#seems like a weird loophole that we dont talk about enough ? id rather not see a naked teenager even if its not real thank you very much🧍🏻#takes me out of the show too lmao im like wait this is supposed to be a minor i dont think i should be looking at this :/#why did tumblr gender neutralize my emoji HAHAHA
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yoooooo do you know what happened to callm3senpaii ?!?!?!???? i was a huge fan of their banger works and when i try to find them now their account is deactivated I am devastated 😭
chiiileee 😭 long story short they got mad they traded away gojo on mudae, blocked everyone and deleted their blog.
i wish i was lyin'.
#ೃ༝💌⁀➷ 𝓀𝒾𝓏𝓏𝒶𝓉мαιℓ#ೃ💌⁀➷𝓀𝒾𝓏𝓏𝒶𝓉αησηѕ#lmfao usually i wouldnt spill tea on the TL like this but its been like 9 months and idgaf any more im tired of being fake about it#im not sparring you hoes when y'all spaz over dumb shit jhfskdhfkdsjf#i literally spoke to this girl for 3 days on discord telling her she didnt have to do it and it was just a game and no one cared that hard#she acted weird for a week being passive aggressive and the next thing u know we blocked and her blog deleted without a word#and apparently we (black) microagressed her (white) when we never said anything bad about her ever#like that was my bestie on this app for MONTHS and we spoke every damn day she was the person i was closest to on the server even!?#we made the server together?! and invited ppl#see this is also why i hated gojo for so long and didnt write him until this summer#cause some of y'all hoes aint right in the head over this man and i was traumatized im ngl#like i didnt even have toji atp and didn't act like this and y'all know thats my nigga daddy who i would spill blood for 😭😭😭#mudae shows u who ppl really are istg jhdfkjshfjksd#the most ironic thing is i DM'd her on the side saying i had a fun game but was nervous to add it cause i didnt want ppl to fight#and she said “omg its just pixels who would do that?” HOE U APPARENTLY!!!! KFHSDLKFJHDKJ#someone say im lyin cause i have receipts kfjhdkjfhdkhjs#mudae war stories jkdhajhda#tw discourse
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Oh this explains exactly why I hated Mean Girls:
Because jesus christ NO!!! YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE LIKE THAT o_O;;;
My family moved around a lot so I transferred schools a lot lol, often in the middle of the school year too. Thanks to that I experienced a wide variety of social dynamics. In the worst, most hierarchic and 'kill or be killed' schools, I was a weirdo outsider, sometimes with literally no friends (which was fine; I knew that wouldn't last forever, bc we were probably going to move again in a couple years). In other schools where there was much less hierarchy and performance, and much more solidarity and camaraderie, I had a lot of friends and was part of many social groups.
Is your school, workplace, family etc. shit? Well, it's not like that everywhere!
You don't have to ruin your life, sell your soul or abandon all morals trying to 'fit in' when the system is shit.
YOU CAN RESIST THE SYSTEM.
#honestly#this kind of reasoning is just making up excuses for your horrible behaviour#'no but everyone else was doing it!!!!'#'we only did it to protect ourselves!!!!!^1'#'we did it because we desired to be accepted!!!!'#fuck off#that's what people holding up other fascist systems tell themselves too#lol#peer pressure is one of the most pathetic things in the world#and cause for so much stupid and horrible shit#oh and 'look!!! in this fictional story EVERYONE is mean! even the home schooled kid and the kids who really want to be kind!!!'#'so that's exactly how it works in real life too!! because the story wasn't made up or influenced at all by an author or anything!!!!'#(lol sorry for the rant ig but i've been mainlining dan and phil for the last few months)#(and dan talks a lot about his horrible school experiences which has made me think a lot about weird school experiences too :( )
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crawls onto dash
today sucked at work. fuck it we vibe.
#something is VERY STRANGE about my paystubs and i have a 1500 dollar one i never heard of that got 0'd out? huh?#there's actually three separate paystubs for that single day.#and then shit was otherwise weird at the store and we have LEGIT FEARS on staff that our new sm is uh.#trying to push a good god-aligned face on the store. dudes are being instructed to cut their hair by may. no shorts for girls.#walked in on an associate telling the sm that religious topics were not allowed at work and he was debating her on it.#so i don't know what the shit is going on.#but not my problem i don't go back for days <3#out of stories#religion //
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#alison speaks?#to be deleted probably#not to like be weird about things people are already pretty weird about#but like beyond the absolute turn of ‘aCTUALLY this dude we liked for the past six years was a VILLIAN in her story’#it’s the fact that some people have an audacity to look at the relationship they were in for six years#and go ‘yknow what? it was all just so she could get here. it was all about the healing’ and granted yeah#good people can help you be better. a safe person and a safe place can allow yourself the time and safety it takes to grow and heal#but honest to goodness they did NOT commit to their six year long relationships and endure all their hardships#he did NOT support her during some of the worst moments in her career#just for y’all to reduce him to some stepping stone in her story#to view him as if the whole universe revolves around her like#like imo he deserved way fucking better#and honestly unless the relationship ended in a way that i really really really could not believe it did#it’s pretty fucking shitty that he had to put up with all the shit he got from the internet after the split went public#it’s pretty fucking shitty that y’all act like she can’t really do wrong in a relationship#that y’all STILL are unable to see it as anything other than sure humans make mistakes but men are absolutely terrible#like the need to analyze the fuck out of a song yall call deep and sad and so telling#that really just sounds like ‘why couldn’t you read my mind?’ makes me want to YELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL#anyways that’s enough and maybe the last thing i’ll say#bc honestly if the current relationship ends up not lasting (not that i wish that on them#don’t get me wrong) but like if it doesn’t? just wait for everyone to come up with all the reasons why#this guy who brought her back and made her so happy and blah blah blah was ACTUALLY? a shitty guy the whole time#okay yeah that’s all that’s it#i think the reason this makes me so angry is bc y’all would not tolerate this if the situations/reactions were reversed#and honestly the amount of disrespect for a relationship that did not go burning down in flames between two people together for six years#that shared a life and a home … to get this disrespect i just….#i wish healing and happiness and growth for both of them#but damn
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Sometimes I think I must consume media wrong because I don't remember The Lottery by Shirley Jackson fucking me up
Like sure I read it and was like 'wait hang on, what- oh dear.' but I didn't have the 'Dude That Was So Fucked Up I Am Fundamentally Changed As A Person' experience everyone else apparently had
And that ain't a flex btw this ain't a "oh I can read the most fucked up stuff and feel NOTHING" kinda bullshit I just. Wasn't that deeply affected lmao
#but also i got a B in English Literature A Level so I must be doing somethin right lmao#smol speaks#im trying to think why it didnt really mess with me. it wasnt a 'shocking twist' it's Where The Story Went to me#then again i dont remember many specifics from when i was younger. hell i barely remember the last week. i do know we read it though#i dont remember what conclusions i reached or what we even discussed. however i CAN think of a story that did affect me as a kid:#Lola Rose by Jacqueline Wilson. I read it in primary school and have reread it multiple times. i felt such a connection with Lola Rose#she was so similar to me even though we also had differences (her fear and hatred of sharks vs my love of them) (though her fear made sense#i dont think ive ever empathized with a character so much. and that book introduced me to the concept of abusive parents i think.#the idea of a parent who didnt simply love you but sometimes went about it wrong or made mistakes. but one who *actively* hurt their family#rereading that book again as an adult is heartbreaking ESPECIALLY the 'Voice of Doom' sections which *holy fuck i relate to*. there's such#dread and fear in that book but luckily there is hope and joy!! but God above the shit that girl deals with. anyway maybe reading a story#about a weird festival that ends with a stoning doesnt hit as hard when youve read about a girl seeing the bruises on her mother's chest#in the bath and having to tell her 5 year old brother they ran away from Dad because he hurt Mum and his response is 'but she deserves it'#abuse mention#better tag that huh. yeah sorry i put half the post in the tags again GOD i should make an actual Lola Rose post
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im genuinely serious when i say the murder of sonic the hedgehog is one of the best things to come out of modern sonic
#I FEEL LIKE WE'RE LETTING SONIC STUFF BRANCH OUT AND BE SILLY AND WEIRD AND NON CANON AGAIN IM SO HAPPY#i know its ''just'' an april fools joke but like#i really think it reflects on the current outlook of sonic as a whole that instead of some self-deprecating joke about the franchise on#april fools - they instead released a lovingly crafted visual novel game that takes all the characters 100% seriously (not that they dont#have jokes but yknow what i mean. mean jokes about their existence)#and tells an actual story and is fun to play and has gorgeous art#like we wouldnt have gotten this shit in like 2015 or something thats for sure#serena.txt
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It always gets me that the name "Gandalf" literally just means "Wand-Elf" or "Stick-Elf". I'm imagining old Gondorians just being like:
Librarian: I saw that weird guy at the library again today.
Guard 1: What weird guy?
Librarian: The old guy with the beard? Kinda elfy-looking, apart from the beard?
Guard 1: Oh, with the big-ass stick?
Librarian: Yeah, looked like he was carrying an entire tree branch.
Guard 2: Yeah, that's the Stick Elf.
Guard 1: Hell yeah, I fuckin' love the Stick Elf.
Librarian: The "Stick Elf"?
Guard 2: He comes by every few years, usually after some weird book or other.
Librarian: Oh. Yeah, he wanted a treatise on goblin breeding habits.
Guard 2: Like, how they have sex? We have books on that?
Librarian: Yeah, turns out we do. I was as surprised as you are.
Guard 1: What'd the Stick Elf need a fuckin' goblin-fuckin' book for?
Librarian: I didn't ask. So you just call him "Stick Elf"?
Guard 2: I mean, he looks kinda elfy and he always has that stick, so, like, yeah.
Guard 1: Dude also has some fuckin' dope pipeweed.
Guard 2: Oh yeah, his pipeweed is awesome.
Librarian: How long has he been coming here?
Guard 2: Oh, for decades. He's, like, super old.
Guard 1: More like fuckin' centuries. Dude's old as balls.
Guard 2: Wait, really?
Guard 1: Yeah, my gran-gran used to talk about him. She loved his pipeweed too.
Librarian: So he's… an immortal pipeweed dealer?
Guard 2: I think he's just, like, a connoisseur. He doesn't sell it or anything. He just always has some really top-notch pipeweed on him.
Archivist: Oh, are we talking about Stick Elf?
Guard 1: Hell yeah we are!
Librarian: You know about the Stick Elf, too?
Archivist: Oh, totally. Stick-Elf's a super chill dude. Gave me some awesome pipeweed when I was maybe 12, and tee-bee-aitch I think I'm still a little buzzed from it.
Guard 1: What'd I tell ya, fuckin' dope pipeweed!
Archivist: Also he's really old.
Guard 1: Old as balls.
Librarian: Yeah, so Éodan and Jenniforomir were telling me.
Archivist: My grandpa used to tell me stories - he said one time he saw Stick Elf enter a smoke-ring contest.
Guard 1: Ooh, I'll bet he kicked fuckin' ass.
Archivist: Apparently the guy made an entire warship out of smoke and it flew around shooting down the other rings.
Librarian: And how much of this "fuckin' dope" pipeweed had your grandfather had by this point?
Guard 1: No no, that's totally plausible. Dude's got weird elf powers and shit for sure.
Archivist: He brought fireworks for the king's birthday one year, too.
Guard 1: Oh fuck, I forgot about those! Fuckin' incredible fireworks! Dragons and knights and glowy trees and shit! I was fuckin' 6 years old or something, they totally blew my mind. Hey Éodan, did you see that shit?
Guard 2: No, I think that's before I lived in Gondor.
Guard 1: Wait, you're not from here?
Guard 2: Oh, no, I grew up in Rohan. We moved here when I was, like, thirteen because my uncle Éojeff said he could get my dad a sweet job. And also that there were houses that didn't smell like horseshit.
Guard 1: Oh shit, are you related to Éojeff and Éosteve who run that æbleskiver stand on Norndîl St?
Guard 2: Yeah, they're my uncles!
Guard 1: Shit, they cook a fuckin' great æbleskiver!
Librarian: Ok, hold up a sec, "Stick Elf" can't possibly be his real name.
Guard 1: Why not?
Librarian: What? You think his parents named him in the hopes that he would carry around a fucking tree when he got older?
Guard 2: Maybe they gave him the tree when he was born!
Archivist: I don't think a baby could carry that stick.
Guard 1: You ever seen a baby hanging onto something? They're hella strong.
Archivist: It's not a strength thing, their hands are tiny. That staff is enormous!
Guard 1: My halberd's bigger 'n I am, I can hold it just fine.
Archivist: You're not a baby.
Librarian: Also why would elf parents name their kid "stick ELF"?! Presumably they know that their kid's going to be an elf!
Archivist: Is he actually an elf? I didn't think they grew beards.
Guard 1: How'd he get old as balls if he's not an elf?
Guard 2: His ears aren't that pointy. Maybe he's just a really old guy? Like, a Numémoriam or something?
Guard 1: Did you just say "Numémoriam"?
Guard 2: Nûnenorman? Munimõrbitan? Y'know, those guys like the king that can get super old.
Guard 1: You mean the fuckin' Númenóreans?
Guard 2: Yeah, the Númenóreums.
Archivist: Even the Númenóreans don't live THAT long.
Guard 1: Plus he carries that fuckin' stick around.
Guard 2: Wait, what does the stick have to do with it?
Guard 1: That's an elf thing. Y'know, trees and shit? Very elfy.
Librarian: Ok, look, but his parents naming him "Stick Elf" would be weird whether or not he's an elf. In fact, it's even weirder if he's not - what human names their kid "elf"?
Archivist: Huh. Yeah, you're right, he probably does have another name.
Guard 2: Yeah, I guess so.
Librarian: He's been coming here for decades and nobody's ever asked his real name?
Archivist: I dunno what to tell you, he's Stick Elf. Even his library card just says 'Stick Elf'.
Guard 1: Fuck yeah, the Stick Elf!
Guard 2: Maybe we could, like, ask him his name sometime?
Guard 1: Hey, look, Elrond's over there. He's old as balls too, maybe he knows?
Guard 2: Oh, we shouldn't interru-
Guard 1: HEY ELROND, YOU'RE OLD AS BALLS, RIGHT? WHAT'S THAT OLD ELF WITH THE STICK'S NAME?
Elrond (coming over): Do you mean an old man cloaked all in grey and blue, leaning on a rough-cut staff, who came to the great library this day?
Guard 1: Yeah, the Stick-Elf!
Guard 2: (Sorry to bother you, sir...)
Librarian: He's got to have a real name besides 'the Stick Elf', right?
Elrond: Indeed, for no elf is he. You speak of the wizard Olórin, wisest of the Maiar, older even than Eä itself. Many are his names in many countries: Tharkûn among the Dwarves; Incánus to the south; Mithrandir he is called among my people, the Grey Pilgrim.
Librarian: Oh.
Elrond: And here in the North he is called Stick-Elf.
Librarian: Oh.
Guard 1: Fuck yeah!
#fun fact: the Khuzdul name Tharkûn means 'staff-man'#so the Dwarves also call him 'the stick guy'#on the naming of things#sufficiently verbose prose#that's what I'm Tolkien about
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