#wait some of these could eat actually??
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send 🎰 for me to put our muses into a random list generator then post the first five as potential ships.
daphne acaster & isabella lin.
jennifer barnes & rhys landry.
theodora decker & rowan landry.
marilyn grayson & reggie clarke.
eleanor temult & floyd munoz.
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......what if Loop was given a nice filling meal.......would they cry on the spot.....
i think the exact reaction would depend a lot on like. the context. around being physically able to eat again. and in general the state of their body and how weird that state feels, and how they're doing emotionally overall. but however we approach this i DO think it would be incredibly overwhelming in some way or another or likely many ways at once.
#does their star body actually have a mouth hidden by glow and they Are capable of eating; the only reason they didn't need to was timeloop?#if so how long does it take to figure out that they're both able to and need to eat?#did they just get a human body back? if so does that feel like a huge relief to finally be correct again#or is it yet another uncontrollable change that they're struggling to adjust to?#and did that human body start sated and healthy or kinda fucked up from disuse/newness?#how weird is it to adjust to feeling human things like taste again?#and either way#how long post-canon is this and what has happened in the interim? (even if it's only been a few hours that's a Wild few hours)#and who is offering the meal and in what context?#bc depending on all these answers it's like#maybe the food is so welcome and so delicious bc whew they're sure hungry!#but maybe eating is weird and tasting is weird and they're so starving they feel sick#maybe they appreciate the act of love#maybe it hurts to have to accept it in this fake world from fake copies#maybe they've gotten some more practice in at keeping their cheerful bitchy persona up around more people than just siffrin#maybe they're struggling to know how to act at all and now suddenly everyone is staring - excited - waiting to see what they think#IT COULD GO SO MANY WAYS#but many of them could lead to tears 😊#isat#loop#isat spoilers#thoughts about loop
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I can’t even imagine living without anxiety. Like. How. What?
#I mean if I woke up tomorrow with a normal amount of anxiety it would be a shocking difference to my daily life. and I am medicated!!! like.#what? am I missing something here?#my mom tells me that meds can only do so much and that they’re really just meant to make it so you can get out of bed every day#but now I’m wondering like is that true or is that my mom is on the wrong dose herself and something could be done to help us both#gahhhhh idk I just feel helpless bc I’m scared of making big changes and the big changes have to make are scary and large and I need a#bulleted list made of things I can do (and break down into very small steps) to actually progress in a positive way in my life instead of#being SO afraid and SO stagnant. it’s been six months since (ptsd diagnosis causing thing) and I don’t feel like I’ve made any progress even#with a therapist. I’m working towards a more intensive program but I feel like it’s almost making me feel more alienated bc I’d have to like#go be surrounded by other mentally ill people and medical people which brings dad dying trauma and like I know I’m running from it bc I’m#afraid to face the changes I need to make and the feelings that are going to come up but fuck man can’t I get some fucking meds that make#this easier to deal with!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! grief and ptsd and long term isolation and anxiety and chronic pain like fuck it’s#so exhausting!!!! I feel like I’m fucking fighting thru life and then from the outside it’s like I’m doing nothing cause I stay in my room#and get stoned and play animal crossing and watch tv and cry and over eat and sometimes I drive around in circles so I can scream sing until#my throat burns and I get a headache and everything finally quiets down in my head for a second. I know I look like I’m doing nothing and#that’s because I am doing nothing but waiting for the next time a mental health professional will talk to me for an hour like it’s so sad#anyways. you ever take a big dab and then start crying and type all of this like it’s an epiphany even tho it’s things you already know.#honestly crying in front of the air conditioner is so slay slight breeze over my face cooling the tears the white noise calming me down
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🏥🦷
#damn my teeth on my left side reallyyyyy fkn hurt#last night it started hurting so bad i couldnt fall asleep#i took some regular over the counter pain pills nd they brought down the pain a bit#so it at least didnt hurt as bad as it did first#but now after sleeping a few hours it still hurts ://#idk what to do... bc i've googled but it is like impossible for me to know what this is. could be anything rlly#nd w physical health stuff im not as terrified bc i can just go to the ER. when i was there it only cost $15 lol#but dental care is so fkn expensive i dont even have that in my account#anyway. i could get an 'urgent appointment' which i get financial aid for... probably. thats the thing. it's not 100% certain#idk what i should do bc like i could wait it out nd see if it'll pass nd then wait on my appt the 6th may#or maybe i should call my dentists nd ask them what they think nd if they can give me an urgent appt..#i hate calling tho. i know that sounds ridiculous esp when im dealing w pain but my avpd makes it so so hard for me. i'd almost rather not#if i was smart nd normal thats what i would do. just call them nd see what they decide for me. maybe i'll wait nd see nd call tmrw....#nd idk abt the pain. like it rlly hurts but it isnt extreme i think.. but when i press one tooth it hurts a lot nd makes me worried it's#dying 💀 nd like u can actually die from teeth pain nd complications... nd infections nd stuff. it's scary af 😭#idk if my tooth is dying nd i need to contact a dentist rn or if its smth that can wait for a bit#i mean if i had a job nd a salary i'd book an appt for tmrw nd get it checked but i have to discuss w myself bc i cant afford lol#ugh this is the reason im terrified of dental problems. the pain is awful nd theres nothing u can do if you're poor#my head keeps spinning idk what i should do abt this 😭 i csnt make up my mind. just want it to go away on its own but i know it wont#nd it hurts so that i can barely sleep or eat or concentrate. so i rlly dont know.....#oh if only things were easy
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Gencon is very busy...!!!
Ummmmm highlights of the day..!!!
I maybe bought 4 Naruto figurines. Thankfully not individually expensive (though perhaps a little expensive all together...) see I wanted Sasuke but I also wanted Kakashi and I couldn't have Sasuke without Naruto and well it would feel wrong to have the 3 of them without Sakura and so I somehow. Got all 4. Haha. I'll most likely post pics later, whenever I end up opening them. I'm still at the convention center rn lol
(Putting the rest of this under a cut bc it got a little long lol)
I was on the field of the Lucas Oil Stadium, aka the stadium that the Indianapolis Colts play at. I've attended all of One game here (not professional football, it was a high school game lol) so I've felt the size of it, but it's still fucking crazy being on the field. It's so BIG...... and obviously they've got the grass covered rn, but it's still pretty cool!!!
I maaaade dice!!! Pretty precise process it seems, & definitely would require a Lot of work (after the sanding and the painting etc etc). I do still wanna get into it, but if I wanted to spring for stuff like the vacuum chamber or the pressure pot...
Yeah, it'd get expensive. Add in the fact that I don't have a good place to do this away from the cats & it really is not feasible to start rn. But!!! Eventually!!!! I think I'd really enjoy it. I just need a dedicated workshop space where I can spread out without worrying about poisoning my cats lol.
Here's some cool game set stuff I saw in the event hall. This picture is maybe... hm... a fourth of the event hall? And then when you consider that the vender hall (connected to the event hall, though it's closed right now) is maybe 1.5 times as big as the event hall?? Give or take a little...
Aka just imagine booths upon booths upon booths... I'm gonna have to take a pic of it tomorrow. I was there too briefly to think about taking a pic. Honestly I maybe managed to get through like a tenth of the whole vender hall in an hour of wandering. It's fucking huge. And So Many Dice... I bought one set of 14 (I think it was) dice. Aka an extended set. And then I got a random set bag of dice (just a basic 7). And then a d20 with a cat on it. And a dice of LETTERS. Aka I guess a d26 (I totally did not have to double check that there were 26 letters in the alphabet)(I have 702k words written & posted to ao3)(😂😂😂 I'm very tired) but with letters instead of numbers. And it's glow in the dark!!! And I found some hxh buttons, and a mighty nein poster, and uhmmmm. A cute lanyard. And that's all I bought. Which really is such restraint for me. (Omfg I just saw a dragon cosplay)(someone just dressed as a dragon)
OH YEAH I saw a fucking. Persona 5 Ryuji cosplay. Hanging out with the biker lady from Durarara. Featuring the Ryuji holding her scythe hfksbfmd which was such a funny image. I was too shy to ask for a pic but just trust 🙏 i saw this
Anyways yeah the only real big thing I bought is the naruto figurines. I'll show pics later once I got the stuff again (I dropped it all off in the car earlier)
Omfg literally as I've been sitting here (on a bench at the side of a main hallway) someone stopped by and gave me a handmade bracelet !!!
DND's 50th anniversary!!! So cute!!!!
#speculation nation#not Too much anime stuff. tho i clearly found some stuff. no trigun yet unfortunately 😔#which i already walked thru the artist area (as much as i could)(i was getting a little stressed by how crowded it was)#so idk maybe i missed a booth or smth but it'd definitely be less likely to see elsewhere in the vender's hall#but WHO KNOWS it's a wonderful massive world in there.#im actually sitting outside it rn and staring longingly at the closed doors. tomorrow... i will be able to Actually peruse it more...#and i will quite possibly wear some ear plugs next time bcus i was getting Stressed Out!!! overstimulated!!!!#pulled in a million different directions!!!!! aaaaaaa!!!!#anyways yeah my events are all done for the night. just kinda hanging out now waiting for my sister's game to be done.#gonna collapse into bed as soon as we get back. so i should probably eat some more.#i had an overpriced and underwhelming sandwich. but there is pizza somewhere. maybe i should eat pizza.#i actually... still have the keys lol. from when i dropped the stuff off at the car earlier.#which is weird. I have the ticket to home with me. but i still wait. bc it would be a dick move to leave with them lol#and also. while i Can drive. i do not have my license. so that would be. a bad. idea.#my shoulders Huuuuurt but thankfully i dont have any combat classes tomorrow#hurting shoulders is more just from my bag bc my shoulders fucking suck. but it makes me glad i can rest more tomorrow.#oh yeah i did the sword knife and longsword today. might get bruises from that knife one. it was very focused on parrying#swords. swords. swords. swords. the longsword class made me really want to own a longsword. i dont own one. yet.#i could. i could. i could. sometime. eventually. i want a longsword. i think i technically just own uhmmm um um#a rapier? a machete? a uh. i dont know what that cheap anime convention sword is actually. OH YEA AND CANE SWORD#no longsword though. i really want to own a katana too. someday i'll own both. someday.#real swords are unfortunatelly really expensive. thats why i only have uh. uh. uhhh. oh yeah i do have those 2 swords from mountains trip#i dont really know what those are either. you know i really should know what bladed weapons i own. i dont though.#i own cool swords and knives bc oooh fun pointy things! wheeeeee!!!#i'll study up on it later. lol.#anyways i guess i should go look for more food. i have rambled enough. bye!
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About Judgment: In short, I think RGGS was intending to continue the series. There were indeed rumors at one point that the series would end at Lost Judgment due to a disagreement with Kimura's agency, Johnny & Associates, about porting the games to PC--I'm unclear on why, there was speculation but I don't think it was ever stated. Obviously the PC ports are out now, so either that wasn't the issue or they moved past it. There's also just general disbelief around there being a third entry simply because there's this idea (joke?) that Kimura never does three of anything, which isn't true at this point. It is true RGGS historically hasn't done three of anything in terms of spinoff series (Kurohyou, Mobile+Kizuna, and arguably Kenzan+Ishin), but it's also true that none of their past spinoffs have been as successful as Judgment, and we're seeing a lot of "firsts" from the studio lately. The fact is that Yokoyama himself said something along the lines of "and of course, we won't forget about Judgment" (not literally, just the closest English expression I can think of that can be misinterpreted in the way I'm about to explain) while talking about future works. But for some reason, people took it as if he meant it "in mourning" rather than an obvious confirmation of more to come, I guess? A TV show was also announced, so I really don't get why they'd invest so much into a series they were going to end. I know Kurohyou got a show too, but this seems different. Anyway, that's the most recent information, but it's from some years ago. There is a major new development, however: J&A talents' contracts are being cancelled left and right as of the last couple of months due to the agency's dogshit handling of and response to an investigation into Johnny Kitagawa's serial abuse of allegedly hundreds of his talents. That's been going on since the man died in 2019, basically, but a lot's happened this year.
This has left the talents with the incredibly tough decision of either remaining at an agency that refuses to even change its name and is rapidly breaking down or leaving. It has historically been very difficult to do the latter. On top of what you'd expect, J&A controls their talents to an insane degree and has leveraged their control of the media to suppress the careers of those who leave.
Broadly, in terms of how media companies have responded so far, I understand not wanting to associate with J&A and that J&A would likely benefit from the contracts more than the talents, but it still feels like the talents are the ones being punished... I have to imagine at least some of them were victims, so to be victims of the blacklist on top of that... That, and some of these companies kept the truth from coming out for decades.
With J&A losing its foothold in the media, though, there may be no better time than now to leave the agency. I don't know if Kimura will--rumors have been circulating ever since his idol group were forced to break up years and years ago, but while they all went independent, he never has--especially because a lot of seniors like him feel a responsibility to stay and change the agency for the better. As of right now, I'm not aware of Kimura's contracts getting cancelled, so I can't say one way or another if that'd have an effect.
I don't know what happens from here. I'm not sure if RGGS will look at it as collaborating with J&A or with Kimura or both, and how they'll factor in what's going on right now into working with him. Hypothetically, it would be possible to continue the series even without Kimura (any of the other mains do or would make great protagonists), but at the same time, Judgment is hugely reliant on Kimura's charisma. That's why people who play the dub (or people who don't like Kimura) often come away with the impression Yagami's kind of a dick or doesn't stand out much.
So... that's the state of Judgment right now. We won't know until we know, I guess.
OHHHHH OK saucy... sucks about J&A- it'd be cool if yk. they could face the consequences of their actions LMAO but that Could involve displacing hella workers now wouldnt it
#snap chats#well i hope something neat is done with judgement. again i have barely touched it but it does seem like a rad series..#rgg#anyway... unrelated tag ramble time... i feel so ugly LMAO i just havent eaten yet. im makin rice now tho#Insane we had a roommate meeting x days ago and one of the agreed upon things was that we could use each others appliances#and one of my roommates brought a rice cooker but obvi i wanted to ask first but she said no so. gotta use a pot. of which ive never done#it shouldnt be hard tho... lol.. s'just rice..#im technically supposed to be at class rn but im dropping it this week so id feel weird going to a three-hour class im not coming back to#heres to hoping my fuckin emails are answered or ill actually have to be an adult and do it myself LMAO#honestly i will later tonight if my email aint answered i hate waiting on stuff like this#after i Hopefully eat some fried rice balls i might doodle or i might practice some Y7 chapters#im still mad LMAO but im gonna make a ramble post in a sec bout that#ty for sharin the gossip with me thats wild.... agencies annoying as hell And Criminal Sometimes i SWEARR
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im home and already swallowed by despair. can you believe i was in CHICAGO a few hours ago. and now im here. lol
#i know i know. and i need to let the anguish motivate me to get out of here. but it feels like i dreamed it all#purrs#chicago#i had a rough time getting out of the hotel and through the airport to my gate and also im bad at math so i fucked up the calculation about#when my flight lands bc of the time zone change and i gave my parents the time in central time not eastern time so my dad was waiting for m#for like a half hour and texting me and i wasn’t answering bc i was still in the air and he was pissed at me and snarky in my texts with hi#and i was sitting there on the plane and could just feel his words ripping into me and the horrors rushing back in and i still haven’t#recovered from it honestly. it wasn’t that big of a deal he just said something that i misunderstood as him saying he was giving up waiting#for me and going home bc id already wasted his time and even though that was not what he actually said it just kinda burrowed into me that#my parents were mad at me and were probably also mad at me for not communicating with them AT ALL the entire time i was in chicago. and it#just was eating me alive. im home now and we haven’t talked about it but they did say things disapproving of the fact that i did a lot of#stuff by myself which i probably shouldn’t have told them. idk. it’s not even that bad i just am torn apart by their rejection of me and#utter inability to just like be happy for me without criticizing some part of it or restraining me. plus the house is just as much of a#biohazard as it was when i left and all the broken things are still broken and it’s like. a lot. i miss the hotel LOL#i think im just sleep deprived and not in my head right today but i do not want to be here. sinking in quicksand unable to breathe. but i#have to be the one to get me out of it and i should have learned how in chicago but i didn’t it was just a break and now im stuck again#delete later#kind of terrible that instead of being so proud and happy about what i did my immediate reaction is to be miserable that im home now lol
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laying here in bed at 5pm on the 4th of July listening to the storm outside and seriously debating bulk-buying 90 coffee cakes. as one does
#Seven.txt#food mention#cw food mention#the price is fucking insanely low per cake. so it’s either the steal of the century or i’m gonna get ripped off#i can’t make sense of the description. it’s $75 for 15 6-packs. so 90 cakes. And free shipping??? i don’t trust it#it says that the ‘package’ weighs 8.4lbs. but then it says the package is 6ct. so is it 8lbs PER 6-pack???#THATS 126 POUNDS OF COFFEE CAKE#NO WAY THEYRE GONNA SHIP THAT FOR FREE#but. but if All 90 cakes = 8.4lbs… that’s less than an oz per cake. so like???#am i doing that math wrong??? 8.4 pounds divided by/into 90 cakes. = 0.09#wait. no. yes. bc. 1.0 is a pound. so. 0.1 would be. no wait r#wait that’s a tenth. i need a sixteenth#my head hurts#i gotta convert. hang on#gotta turn pounds into ounces. so. 8.4 x 16 = 134.4#then divide That by 90. right??? so. 134.4 ÷ 90 = aaalmost 1.5. so. they’d be 1.5oz cakes. tiny things#but the product image is of the 14oz cake. not the mini#and there’s no mention of mini. and even the mini cakes are 3.18oz#so what the hell is going on#smh all this just for some coffee cake. but no store sells it for 50+ miles!!! and i Crave it#am i rlly gonna risk this. i mean. even if it Is tiny cakes. it’s still less than a dollar each#but i’m scared they’ll charge me for shipping afterwards even tho it Says free at the checkout#i don’t trust it. something doesn’t add up. but the store has good reviews#the item doesn’t have any tho. i mean. they probably wouldn’t charge to ship 8lbs. so. it’s probably 8lbs of tiny cakes#:( but. but the image… and the description… hhhhhhh i hate making decisions#but god. the tiny chance of actually getting 126 pounds of cake for 75 dollars. imagine#could i even eat it all before it expires. sigh. man. it can’t be real. no way. not for 75 bucks free shipping#somehow i’m gonna get ripped off#not me struggling with basic math and making risky financial decisions on main
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"Whomevers pursuing whom in this very moment, I intend to eat them."
HANNIBAL I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD YOU ARE STRESSING ME THE FUCK OUT WITH YOUR COCKY LITTLE CHEEKY REMARKS THAT I KNOW ARE NOT ABOUT FISH JELLY
I love you so much and I know you have plenty of experience while I am literally laid here in bed in stitch pyjamas but oh my god
#Hannibal you are actually going to be the death of my both of my heart and the other area you make beat like a heart#hannibal i love you so much please never stop being you#except you could maybe stop the eating people part i think that would be good#just a thought#hannibal thoughts#please be gentle with me hannibal#hannibal#“im going to make these remarks because they're investigating me and it would be silly to say these things so its then it's actually smart”#YEAH BUT MY HEART CANNOT TAKE IT#oh my lord the small fight Hannibal has in s2 ep12 has me BEGGING FOR HIM#HE'S GOT SO MANY MOVES AND I WOULD LIKE HIM TO USE THEM ALL ON ME#his little raspy voice saying “shouldn't have done that” GONE. I AM JUST GONE.#OH NO OH FUCK WILL LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID YOU PREDICTED THIS SHIT#FUCK YES WILL THAT'S MY BOY#wait what the fuck is this set shit oh Hannibal what did you do OH OH I SEE OKAY ALRIGHT NEVERMIND CARRY ON#poor Mads has been made to look like some weird shit in this show#OH DUDE WHAT THE FUCK NO NOT THE FUCKING DOGS NO#NO HANNIBAL WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL THERE AICJSNDNISH#He's still going i love that this show just does not stop or hide anything i love that#stop it the way hannibal looks up at will as he walks up to him sketching he loves him so much
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im stressed bc i had to have a waiting period between my root canal and getting my crown and i'm supposed to get my crown on thursday but my tooth that got the root canal has started hurting when i chew even if it's not on that side of my mouth so i'm scared i have to get it pulled now bc the waiting period was too long
#i will actually cry if i spent all that money on this god forsaken root canal#just for the waiting period to be too long and the root canal to have failed because of it#i was thinking like oh maybe it's just bc my tooth is really thin rn and it's like wearing down on it from eating or smth#but google told me it probably got bacteria in it bc the waiting period was too long#i didn't even know that could happen bc it's covered with a filling i thought i was safe#im PRAYING by some grace of god that this is somehow normal or fine#dentists pls respond <3
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auuggghg wauughh im dying from a deadly diseas. its called ate pizza and macdonalds and soy all in one day disease an d symptoms include exploding. u mgiht want to step back brother
#figjting for my life on the toilet rn you have no idea#it seemed like such a good idea. it seemed like such a good idea.#the pizza. that was like 12 hours ago at this point. and you know i could feel it but i was ok. you know.#same goes for macdonalds. ok sure mcflurry and nuggets and a few fries floatin around in there for like 8 hrs. but it was fine. i was fine.#i get home just before 11pm right. sleepy guy. nap on the couch for an hour. i should have gone to bed. but no.#my hubris. my desire for prawn fried rice. i simply had to have it.#looking back i can see how the universe tried to stop me. no onions. no sesame oil. but i pushed on. i was determined.#i have onion powder. i have peanut oil. you cannot stop me. the battle cry has sounded. the war has begun.#whisk and cook the egg. chop chop chop the bacon and fry with the prawn and garlic. add spices. veggies. and of course rice#add the substitute peanut oil. a... generous amount of oyster sauce. its good. and of course how could we forget the soy sauce#ha. ha ha ha. hahahaahaha. ha. god.#glug glug glug. tipping the nearly-empty bottle of costco soy sauce upside-down into the wok. hissssss#mix mix mix. taste test. adjust a little. shame about the onion but otherwise good. cant wait to eat a bowl.#scoop scoop scoop. fried rice in a bowl. sit and play some turf war while it cools. eat eat eat. listen to sci guys podcast. life is good.#perhaps it would have been fine if it had ended here. my decisions would not have been without consequence but they would be bearable.#it did not end there.#another bowl. another mistake. ingesting more and more soy. gorging myself upon the garden of eden. wrath was fast approaching#i dont know if i really need to explain this next part. to be honest. i think you can probably guess. the pain. the shartblasting. you know#anyway it took me so long to write these tags that im actually mostly fine now and in bed with a kitty so life is good#tomorrow i will eat even more fried rice and maybe even buy that one chocolate soy milk even though it kills me but it tastes sooo good#i will never learn my lesson ever amen#mine#wow long tags. hiiiii if u read all this
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spent the whole day at an archery competition yesterday!!! twas really fun and i got slightly better :3 i also spent the whole day with long sleeves till it was my turn. it did not prevent the sunburns. i have a stripe pattern on my left arm now (caused by my arm protection)
#yes i forgot sunscreen. i also forgot to take a spoon to eat my pasta salad.#to be fair i didn’t forget anything that i put on my list. but i did make the list at past 11pm while completely tired#and with the knowledge i’d have to wake up at 5am#also there was barely any sun or warmth for the entire morning. i was nearly cold actually#when twas my turn in the afternoon the sun suddenly started to burn for an hour and i could feel it. and then it rained jdhdhjs#nothing like last week’s competition where we were drenched and kept waiting for 5min between each flight for slightly better conditions#(no lightning in the 5min span)#yesterday there was a lot of wind too which is more worrying than the rain#but i dealt really well with it and i’m proud of that!! i release my arrows really quickly usually but!!!#i took my time to find the best window between the blasts of wind. we have two minutes for a flight of three arrows and it feels so so long#(because really. it *is* very very long. the longest 2min of my life are when i wait for my turn)#but i really help to know that i am able to fly my arrows fast enough. so i know i can calmly wait for 20 seconds and still finish on time#anyway i had fun!!!!!!! i socialised the whole day!!!!!!!! with good people!!!!!!!!!!#and i got some advice which is always valuable
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yknow the cool thing about having a ptsd induced bad dream is it gives me more motivation to go watch cozy movies and eat comfort food til i feel better
#after spending an hour in bed scrolling through tumblr waiting for my muscles to power on ofc#anyway little vent abt that ahead#no one has to read this ofc its really mostly just me working through it and processing it yknow#had a dream i was still involved with a couple people who are now gone from my life hopefully forever#also still dating my gf though? but he wasnt there :(#and we were in a uhaul or smth and were driving around and i felt very Uneasy#and like. i was actively in a flare up in that dream so the brain fog was making it harder to think clearly#so i felt very dumb the whole time#and so we drove through this like... pathway? with tall dark plants on either side#some kind of overgrown decorative shrubbery#and we were just chatting and i was trying to pretend i didnt feel uneasy#and then we came to this plant archway but the way was blocked by a bush about waist high#which. i have some particular feelings about that imagery. but idk if i wanna say it cus maybe im just being schizo#anyway we got out of the truck and left it there to go to the little restaurant cafe place we could see on the other side#and once we were inside we realized it was very clearly run by and for the jewish community which made me feel a bit better#so we sat at one table for a while i guess just to wait? then moved upstairs to another table to actually eat#and one of the people i was with started arguing with me and insulting me while the other one just kinda let him#bc he was like mad that i didnt tell him when to say a certain thing in a prayer i guess even though it was written on a thing on the table#and even though i was brainfoggy as hell and didnt know to expect that and he couldve looked himself and it DID NOT MATTER...#so i threw a metal thing holding the piece of paper at his head.#it kinda just bounced off him but then i walked off and he followed me and started beating me up lol#i woke up right as he started throwing punches. i think people were about to step in though#the weird thing is i think at the beginning of the dream i was ONLY with my current gf#idk how to word it but like. these other two just kinda barged right into the dream#anyway that dream is def Up There among dreams that i feel might have some deeper meaning but also not the MOST Up There#might delete later also bc The Paranoia#anyway! claps! time to watch old pokemon movies and eat pancakes
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hm. accidentally made mead ??
#3615 my life#actually it may be just a step before mead but like. it's still mead#which i thought was more than fermented honey but no it's just that and some stuff from flavor#'put the honey in cold or lukewarm water in order to not kill the bacteries'#ma'am they've been boiled and they're still alive and thriving#so the explanation is that i very often not finished my tea#which actually contains zero tea. just water honey lemon juice and ginger-lemon-honey bits (infusion pour les français)#and i use metals bottle now so that shit is screwed up tight after the 'oxygen period'#so often when i don't finish it and forget about it for coughs hours it will have...#in my mind like milk left over the night. the taste change and is weird and there's a little bit of gaz when opening the bottle#this time i just left it uuuh a few days. unopened.#and tonight i remembered that i do not have a good track with bottles half filled left unopened for too long#and i did well because the top did nearly come out of my hand when opening it because of the gaz pressure#wait with the lemon maybe it's not mead...it appears there's three kind of fermentation#i'm a bit sad i don't like fermentated things because apparently it's VERY good for the guts#which i have zero problem with. i could eat cement. but just in case you know ?#maybe my body makes me dislike fermentated stuff because i've got all the peeps i need down there for everything to work well#anyway. down the drain it went. don't like fermentation don't like alcohol
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Head in my hands, I'm doomed, this can't be going on for this long good grief. What the hell does my subconscious want to tell me. Hate the pms hormonal storm
#Guess who had a dream involving the redacted situation :))#basically we were out to eat (friend group outing. Sitting in front of each other because of course) and#1. It was them but it was not them. This person did not have their eyes but it was them I interacted w them w that awareness#2. It was the most confusing thing ever because it was like.#We interacted in the way I'm used to. But there was too much noise (I couldn't hear them. Nor others for that matter) so I had to lean#Across the table so naturally you get rather close. And at one point I got somehow frustrated by smt (I wanted to tie up my hair?#But it wouldn't come out as I wanted) so I just stood leaning there for a moment with my hair fallen in front of my face to talk (lol) and#they had? Rested their chin almost atop my head but like. You know when you actually rest your lips somehow against a person forehead?#That kinda thing. And of course I was not moving out of the position because it was very comforting 💀 only did so when I heard smt#from the others (it started the topic of like 'oh it's strange that redacted agreed to join. They usually don't'#The implication being that they agreed to it because there'd be involved people they hadn't seen in a while?)#and then redacted started to complain about that (other people saying that about them) and going about smt but I didn't catch that anymore#So this would all be like. Fine okay whatever. But the confusing thing is that before that (+other smaller related tender moments of sort)#they were telling me (this part I could hear even from across the table lol) about this person they like but apparently aren't pursuing#(Mind you. I was like. Oh they sound interesting. I would love to talk w them. The vibe of the conversation was pretty comfortable)#The dream ended while the group was discussing smt about how to pay and what to do afterwards (visiting some monument/church I think?)#I remember the time being 1.45pm (the time we were planning to get out. When I checked my watch -different from what I own- it was 1.30pm)#And even during that discussion! Redacted tried to tell me smt (I made them the gesture to wait while we were discussing) and when I asked#What it was about. They didn't feel like bringing it up (+looked like a sad puppy?(?)) and at that point I got close and held their cheek#To comfort them?? Like bro what the hell?? Most ambiguous relationship award?#In front of others apparently nonetheless?? And no one mentioned anything about it?#my post
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plate of sambusa is the new fruit bowl
#a few days ago mama walked in with piping hot sambusa#this was like 10 in the am#and i dont eat when im stressed#(sometimes i stress eat but thats beside the point)#anyway i could have cried#it was so simple but my feels and the rest of me were already on the verge of collapse#im not spending as much time with my family as i used to#always in my room hunched over books only seeing them at mealtimes#family ocassions are express (which we dont mind actually lol)#and to think that it only gets worse from here just *hurts*#i wonder if one day ill look back and think i should have done more#prioritised my family and spent more quality time with them#will i regret this?#will i lie awake at night and go over my every waking second spent away from them thinking how i could have balanced things better?#will i take initiative to change my life for the better or mope around and wait for the worst to happen only to then#find some semblance of comfort knowing there was little i could do to change the outcome and that this was bound to happen?#im tired#mostly of myself#why am i so careless?#why isnt fear motivating me to do more anymore?#it feels like the word proactive has been permanently replaced with procrastinate in my lexicon. and i hate it#its going to be my end i just know it#why am i like this?#anyway im going to eat a donut now#see yall soon#:)
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