#anyway little vent abt that ahead

[glitchdollmemoria]

yknow the cool thing about having a ptsd induced bad dream is it gives me more motivation to go watch cozy movies and eat comfort food til i feel better

[sunoostripletriple]

the start k.s (smau)

‧̍̊·̊‧̥°̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥‧̥·̊‧̍̊ ♡ °̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥ ·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙·̩̩̥͙*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ °̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥ ♡ ‧̍̊·̊‧̥°̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥‧̥·̊‧̍̊

warning!!: crackhead, soft/fluff, lots of swearing, mdni

synopsis - > Y/N, on a whim, decides to prank text a random number. Little does she know, that fate has other plans. Instead of a stranger, her message lands in the inbox of Kim Sunoo, her favorite idol. What follows a whirlwind of unexpected conversations, shared interests, and perhaps the beginning of something beyond her wildest dreams. As their connections deepen, y/n finds herself drawn into Sunoo's world in ways she never imagined, navigating the complexities of fame, friendship, and maybe even love.

a/n: double upload since I once again have not updated my smau in awhile. I've been so busy with work and I had so many things to worry abt in personal life that I forgot I had an smau to work;-; goodness is this the life of a cursed ff writer? ahat

‧̍̊·̊‧̥°̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥‧̥·̊‧̍̊ ♡ °̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥ ·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙·̩̩̥͙*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ °̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥ ♡ ‧̍̊·̊‧̥°̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥‧̥·̊‧̍̊

15. Girls night🖤!!

As the hours pass by, Y/N decides to walk to the station to meet her best friend.

Kacey, who is most likely rushing to meet her friend as quickly as she can, grabs everything she needs from the table near the door.

“Hey, pookie! Sorry, I’m late,” she pauses to catch her breath before continuing, “I had to wash the dishes quickly before leaving.” Kacey pouts.

“It’s all good I even said you could take your time earlier when I called you.” Y/N gives out a guilty smile while looking at her breathless best friend, who seems to be struggling to stand properly.

“Can you not stare at me like some dying puppy?” Kacey stands up after finally catching her breath.

“Anyways, are you ready? Where should we head off to?” y/n says as she links up her arm with Kacey smiling ear to ear.

“Oh,” Kacey starts, causing y/n to stop who was walking along with her. “What did you want to vent about?”

“Should we talk about it on our way to the cafe?” Kacey asks, slightly tilting her head to the side.

“It’s nothing big, just me being delusional again.” said y/n.

“Gorl, you always say that and brush off whatever's going on in your mind.” Kacey states, still walking at the same steady pace.

"Well, if I’m being honest, it’s not that much of a big deal,” the dispirited girl says, looking down at her feet.

“Wait, let me guess.” Kacey pauses before continuing, “It’s about Sunoo, isn’t it?” Y/N stares at Kacey in disbelief, wondering how the hell she found out that she’s been thinking about Sunoo.

“Bitch, don’t give me that stare.” the friend says as she playfully smacks Y/N on the arm, making both girls giggle in the making.

“Well, yeah. It is about him, but it's such a dumb reason.” y/n sighs,

“Spit it out. Stop edging me already.” the impatient girl says as she shakes her friend to say what has been bothering her the whole day.

"Okay, okay, but first, let's go inside the cafe.” Y/N says as she pulls the door towards her, motioning for Kacey to head inside before her.

“Well, thank you. I am very flattered.” Kacey says as a joke, bowing at you as she walks ahead inside the cafe.

“Okay, where were we? OH! Right, so what happened between you and Sunoo?” she claps.

“Did he start replying to you in a dry way?”

“How’d you know????” y/n says, crossing her arms jokingly.

“It’s so fucking obvious just by staring at you, and how you haven’t been spamming on your private account lately, so the only obvious answer to that would be something related to Sunoo,” Kacey utters in one breath without stopping to let the poor girl speak her mind.

“And to add to that you usually start our whole conversation with a “ ‘ So sUNoo sAid thAT MY skY PICture is pretty ‘ “ all giggly and shi-” Kacey retaliates adding more reasons to why she thinks Sunoo would be the reason why you’ve been feeling down. 

“Wai-” 

“Girl, if he’s ignoring you then you should also be doing the same,” Kacey says as she playfully rolls her eyes. “if he’s ghosting you then ghost him as well pookie. Two can play this game.” Kacey scoffs.

“But I feel bad for ghosting him though..” Y/N pouts at the thought of just ignoring the poor boy who doesn’t mean any harm by not replying as much.

“What if his manager found out about us texting and told him not to text me as much??” Y/N says trying to reason out with her best friend.

“Or, he could have your notifications on mute.” Kacey adds.

“Sadgicals, I feel so mean not replying though,” 

“Omg, you need a reality check so badly” Kacey screams in annoyance, as she takes a sip of her strawberry ade.

“If a man ever replies to you that hella dry, it means he’s not interested in you, or you’ve been talking to a random person that's not Sunoo and the boys are just playing along with your delusions.” Kacey speaks out a bit more aggressively making Y/N feel even worse than before.

Kacey then realizes the mistake she made, as she looks at her friend who is as close enough to be her actual sister, and looks even more depressed than she was before.

“Look, I’m sorry for hurting your feelings, but you need to sometimes think more realistically about this situation. I know you trust the boys a lot, but know that sometimes, they could also lie to make you happy.”

“You’re right, I should maybe text him less first to start with,” Y/N says fidgeting with the ring that's on her index finger. 

“Then maybe I’ll forget about me and Sunoo ever-texting from the beginning.”

Previous | Masterlist | Next

taglist: open sesame📌

@velvetkisscs @yoizhrs @random-potat @rairaiblog @francinethings23 @thenaston @erenmyman @ayablogsblog @lilifiedeans @heeseungismymanz @letwiiparkjay @sol3chu

[fallen-in-love-suggestion]

HI!!! HI!!!!

I sent you the anon a while ago, about a best friend who is the ex I'm in love with and have been useless at getting over for 2 years!! We had our oldest mutual friends coming over the next week and all??

Well!!!! Like you said we needed some Talking to be done, and in the last 2 years i HAVE worked on expressing my affection so I'm not rude or aloof when I'm shy anymore, i think,,,, anyway we talked and talked and i had honestly come to the point where i was willing to put self care first and go zero contact indefinitely. But when I brought it up with him, he was heartbroken about us not being friends in the future which tbh was a big possibility, but also he was willing to go ahead with it if that would help me stop being hurt. But yeah it was sad as hell so we talked it to pieces and finally just kinda gave up. And like i think we were honestly just looking for someone to tell us it would be ok somehow, and we ended up speaking to his MOM (sksksksk we're 23 yrs old we don't need parental intervention,,, except when we do,,) and ok so she sorta laid out "the facts" for us, which are-

1. we've loved each other for so long, over 6 years now, and that's something valuable and precious.

2. we still care a lot about each other, evidenced by the whole being best friends through some of the most complicated years of our lives (like emotionally yes but also academically and financially, sksksk we're both in like med school, it's really competitive etc so yea it's been hard)

3. We've grown as people, individually and with respect to each other and we'd never want to hurt the other person at all, so we won't make the same mistakes again right?

4. And (this was mainly directed at him bec his mom loves me more ofc :P /j) Giving up bec it might not work out is for pussies.

Anyway.

We're thinking we can do this again. Fingers and toes crossed right? So yeah. Tentatively. We're dating again. We've taken a couple of weeks to dwell on it, talk to our friends abt it and stuff, no rash decisions etc. But yeah. Tentatively dating. Basically we want to try to make this work. Like for good. we'll start a little slow.

Aa i really want this to be happy and i love him and i want him to know that! Sksbsksb i REALLY wanted to happy vent like just share this with someone? and i had sort of already spoken about it here a little so i hope telling you this is ok!! I hope you have a wonderful day!!

~✨

Oh my gosh that awesome!!! Ngl I was really hoping y'all would work smthg out!!!

Loosing a friend is, unless absolutely necessary, is never a good thing, especially since y'all still love and care for each other!!!

I hope everything works out this time around for y'all!!! And thanks for updating me!!!

~R

[jawnjendes]

bonus: i am all of me | shawn mendes

university au, shawn x goth oc

AN: the goth gf series is now a finalist in the @shawnblrficawards which is???? so fucking wild??? ppl care abt my story??? so yeah, to celebrate HERE IS A THROWBACK by throwback i mean this takes place in the university days, before the shawn meets series

goth gf masterlist | vote for goth gf maybe? | shawn meets masterlist

For someone who deviates the norm on a regular basis, I hung out with a lot of normal people. Most of my “goth” friends were back home in California, and the only “goth” friend I had here in Toronto was Patrick Markowski. He preferred not to be around the normies I hung out with, so it was just me against the world sometimes.

It’s not like I meant for my friend group to end up like this. At first, my only normal friend was Stella. But Stella was friends with Camila, who was friends with Shawn, who had been dating me for the last three months. Shawn was quite popular around campus, and he was always seen talking to someone. People liked him, and he loved people. I preferred laying low and being invisible, even though that was hard to do.

I was always in black lace, fishnets, platforms, or all of the above. I was rarely caught without my hair in my face or my signature winged liner. Putting me next to a normal guy was odd, and that wasn’t hard to notice. If Shawn introduced me to a stranger, that stranger always had the mildly disapproving stare. Not to mention, one of his friends just viewed me as the target to playfully bully.

When it came from the group of normal people I hang around with, it’s fine. Shawn’s best friend, Brian, constantly took the piss out of me. It was our primary form of communication at this point. I wear black, I steal souls and drink virgin blood. I can joke about it too. I actually liked it sometimes. It was fun to joke about my plan to steal Shawn’s heart and sacrifice it to Satan. Just girly things, y’know?

There’s something I didn’t appreciate, though. And it didn’t come from Brian or Shawn or anyone, really. It came from my own pride and lack of brain cells. It took one random game of Odds On with Camila that brought me face to face with a monstrosity and the realization that I may take this goth thing more seriously than I thought.

Camila was grinning as she held up the pink, ruffly dress. “You’re gonna look so pretty.”

Behind her, Stella was giggling. She witnessed the Odds On and was there to make sure I kept my word.

The dress was short sleeved, and the ruffles made a very poofy skirt. The pink was a horrifying pastel that made my skin crawl. I didn’t mind colors as long as I’m wasn’t the one wearing them.

“What dumpster did you pull that out of?” I asked.

“Forever 21!” Camila happily replied, laying the dress down on my bed.

“And you literally just bought this today?”

“Yup! You can keep it after as a token of my friendship.” She stuck her tongue out. “So, from sun up to sun down tomorrow, you have to wear this. And I have to see you at least once so I know you didn't cheat! No changing either!”

I always kept my word, almost to a fault. That’s why I didn’t bring up the knot in my stomach, or the dread hanging on my shoulders to anyone. I didn’t mention how pushing someone out of their comfort zone could do more harm than good. It was just a silly little bet. It was just clothing. I shouldn’t have been so worried about it.

That didn’t exactly stop me from telling Shawn about it over FaceTime. I kept my frustrations on a low simmer, knowing that Camila was one of my boyfriend’s friends.

“So don’t do it,” Shawn told me. “It’s a meaningless bet, right?”

“But I made a promise, and Camila already spent money at Forever fucking 21!”

“Mm, you do hate that store.”

“So much… Fuck, I’m actually dreading tomrrow.”

“Aw, babe…” He looked at me for a moment. “What if you fake sick? It’ll be believable since you get sick a lot.”

I hummed. “I’d have to wear it the next day. The point is for me to look stupid and out of character in public.”

“What if you accidentally damage the dress?”

“She’ll know I did it on purpose, and then I’d end up owing her…” I reached for the flimsy fabric on the floor and found the tag. “Thirty-five dollars?!”

Shawn didn’t say anything for a second. “Well… at least you look cute in pink!”

That made me groan in annoyance. No one seemed to get it. “It doesn’t matter how cute I look! It’s not my color! I’m gonna look so out of it and, and... “ I sighed and threw the dress back on the floor.

~

A deep pit formed in my stomach overnight. I wished it was enough to keep me bedridden, but the dress was going to be worn no matter what. I got ready for my morning classes as I normally did. Intense liner, black lipstick, kept my hair down. Put the dress on and paired it with my combat boots. Once I looked as least uncomfortable as could be, Stella came knocking on the door.

“Let me see, let me see!”

I couldn’t even fake a smile as I opened the door. Actually, I scowled at my roommate, who had her phone out. The flash went off, and I immediately used my bedroom door to shield myself.

“No pictures!” I snapped.

“Oh come on! Camila has to see that you followed through!” Stella replied. When I ignored her, she sighed. “Okay, my phone is in my pocket! And we’ll see Camila later today, anyway!”

I poked my head out the door, making sure my roommate kept her word. Still, nothing could really make this better. Well, apart from getting rid of the stupid dress.

"Let's get today overwith," I mumbled, slinging my bag over my shoulder.

Thankfully, Camila forgot to get a matching coat for today's look, so I found refuge in my leather jacket. That made going to classes a little easier, but I still felt out of place and just… not good. No one in my classes cared about how I looked, and that was fine. The permanent scowl on my face kept the guys in gaming club from saying anything at all too. My problem wasn't the fear of being singled out and made fun of. That happened when I dressed normally, I was immune to that.

Trust me, I was very aware of how dramatic I looked all the time. I knew just how odd I looked with my group of normal friends and my normal boyfriend. That's just how I am, and that's probably what bugged me. I was blending in too much, and it was so far from me that I wanted to jump out of my own skin.

Every part of me wanted to just fuck off to my dorm after my psychology class, but I had to remember my promise to Camila. She had to see for herself that I followed through. She sent a text asking to meet her at one of the picnic tables on the courtyard, and I knew damn well it wasn't going to be just her.

The distaste on my face was amusing to Camila, Stella, Brian, and Connor as I approached the table. I had my arms folded as their faces lit up in shock.

"Well, aren't you a ray of sunshine?" Camila giggled. "I can't believe you did it!"

I only chewed the inside of my cheek. Then, I turned to Brian, who was beside himself with silence. It's better than laughing in my face, I suppose.

"Go ahead, lay it on me," I told him.

"I would," he replied, "but Shawn…"

"Huh?"

The other three at the table were nodding in agreement. Camila pointed behind me, so I looked.

My jaw dropped.

There he was, six foot something in the exact same pink, ruffled dress as me. The top half of the dress was tight over his broad chest, it probably didn't zip all the way. The skirt was very short, showing a lot of Shawn's thighs. He bounded over to the table like nothing was out of the ordinary.

"Hey guys," he greeted, slinging his arm around me.

I was still caught with my mouth open at the sight of him.

"Oh my god," Camila said, floored.

"Well, don't we look pretty?" Brian said with a laugh.

"I'm always pretty, thanks," Shawn replied, dramatically running his fingers through his hair.

I was still silent. I didn't even know where to begin: The fact that the top half of the dress was one wrong move away from ripping? The fact that Shawn was on the receiving end of Brian's roasting? The fact that Shawn heard my mindless venting and took matters into his own hands? Or the fact that he did this shit instead of simply bringing me a bigger jacket? There was just too much to unpack here.

That, and a new appreciation for this guy I was dating. My shocked expression had morphed into a soft grin the longer I watched him casually talk with his friends.

It was a thoughtful(?) gesture, but it didn't fix anything.

~

I followed Shawn home like a lost puppy at the end of the school day. Apart from teasing thigh touches, neither of us had properly talked about our matching attire. Shawn talked about everything no matter what, so this was a little strange.

It was strange because I wanted to talk about it.

"So," I began when we were in his car, although I quickly realized I didn't know how to go about this. "Um… what the fuck?"

Shawn glanced at her once as he pulled out of the parking lot. “Huh?”

I gestured to the outfit, an expectant look on my face.

“Oh, that,” he said. “I figured you wanted the attention off of you.”

“So you got the same dress?”

“I got the same dress.”

There was a pause as I looked at him, a half smile on my face. My brain was still having trouble processing the fact that he did this… for me. Or, at all.

“Well…” I trailed off, pushing away the cheesy words threatening to spill out. “...that was pretty cool. Thanks.”

Shawn reached across the center console and took my hand. “You sounded pretty upset on FaceTime. I just wanted to make it a little easier for you.”

“It’s no big deal.”

He opened his mouth to say something else, but decided against it.

“What?” I asked. You can’t just do that and expect me not to question it.

Apparently, that was all Shawn needed for him to spill. “You made it seem like it was the end of the world. You kept saying that you had to follow through, but you weren’t happy about it at all. Even for a meaningless bet. I’m just wondering why.

“Uh…”

“You don’t have to tell me, of course,” he quickly added. “Whatever you want. I can listen, or we can pretend like this day never happened.”

If he had been looking at me and not the road, then this would have been an easy choice. Forget everything and burn the dress. But there was no eye contact in this vehicle. The words that had piled up in my throat since the bet finally started to spill out.

"Not to be all, 'it's not a phase mom,'" I began, "but the chokers, the dark makeup, and the skulls? It's all I am. It's apart of me. I was in black onesies as a baby. That whole subculture is my sense of belonging. The dark, creepy shit the mainstream world hates is my happy place. And it was taken away from me today.”

“So why didn’t you explain that to Camila? She would have understood.”

“I didn’t say anything because I would have gotten upset. Or worse, I would have cried.” I sighed. “Besides, it’s just clothing. It’s all vanity. It’s stupid for someone to throw a fit over things like that.”

I kept my eyes out the window. Shawn gently squeezed my hand to get me to turn back to him.

“It’s not stupid,” he told me. “You said it’s where you belong, and there’s nothing stupid about that. If how you express yourself is important to you, then no one can tell you otherwise.”

Oof, there’s that sting in my throat. I placed my free hand on top of his. “No offense to your friend, but if she wasn’t so taken with my friend, I would have clocked her for suggesting this in the first place.”

Shawn chuckled, then paused. “Wait. Taken with? Camila is taken with Stella?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. They seem close, I just didn’t wanna start anything with Camila, for Stella's sake."

"Gotcha. So…" Shawn's tone indicated that the subject was changing. "You gonna let me rip that dress off of you when we get to my place?"

"Mm… yeah."

_______

goth gf taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou @ilsolee @mendesromano @1-800-khalid-mendussy @kitykatnumber @strangerliaa @iloveshawnieboi @someoneunimportantxx @goldenmndes @shawnsunflower @shawnvvmendes @parkeraul @ruinhoney @calyumthomas @havethetimeeofyourlifee @chillingbythesea @wronglanemendes @softmendesss

[jojonokimyounaboukeneyesofheaven]

havent posted here in a bit, its been very up n down, some days ive been doing better n like gave had little to no anxiety and actually went oht n Done shit vut like for every day that happens i relapse into like

horrible thoughts and anxiety and depression where i jist have to sit in bed n try not cry sometimes so idk

nothing like major though in terms of like suicidal thoughts anymore which is really what i went here to vent out usually hence less posds which is a plus ig

i have like if i let my mind get clear any now tho where i dont have Something to occupy myself i am like immediately just like Dam. what is there to look foward to.. what is there to want to achieve or do anymore what is there to wake up for u shoukd kys u have like nothing but 60 or less years of suffering awaitinf ahead of u, ur in ur mid 20s so its like impossible to find someone rn and u do doordash and like even if u did find someone you have so much weird shit and stipulations now that like how would u even get ur foot in the door abt that shit anyways idk idk it sucks not having anything to live for anymore i legit just cannot find anything to keep going other than like watching shit on yt?

i cried yesterday cause i miss my cat and my dogs a lot, i want that sort of unconditional love and shit they give and that i can hug and oet on them and they actually wnjoy it i wish i could have a pet here if i had that id be so much more happier but rn i am just so touch and love deprived i have nothing and it just sucks atleast blake atill talks to me but like idk i appreciate it but i like idk ahahahaha idk

atleast i got joab now tho and that gives me somethi g to do so im not just rotting away in bed anymore. i have been very conflicted if i want to wish u a happy bday when it comes in a month cause like i want to be nice n msg u n mayb get to talk to u but i also like think i should just drop it and not do that and i like think both are right and i legit just cannot decide idk. maybe i will maybe i wont i probably will tho despite better judgement just vause i want to like see u so even if jt just ends in you being mean or me like crying or whatever atleast then ill Know like ahahaha to just give up then which id like

oh yea last bit pokemon go is very fun and i love living in a walkable place for it now i Get it now

[tmabutlesbian]

this is a kinda personal post and I’ll be talking about my own mental health but because of covid i cant see my friends, we all know we talk better to each other when in person, we’re all kinda waiting to spill the tea and dump everything on each other when we next meet, so. I need a place to. Place. My thoughts?? To vent. I’m gonna vent so. This is your warning.

(VERY LONG POST ahead so. Yeah.)

Some time ago, I asked a blog that I won’t tag cause. I feel like, i have to be on my best behavior around this person? But um, basically I asked them about like, adhd and stuff and they decided not to answer (which very much fair, mistake on my part truly) but! They did help me get like a little help to talk about it, because I’ve been learning more n more abt neurodivergency and I just felt like every adhd post just hit way too close to home too regularly to be normal so! I got help and then... because of other very useful developments with my family, I got to see a therapist!!

And i love her to bits!! She’s so fun, sometimes a bit too energetic for me but she’s very cool! Our first session isn’t very useful for this post so let’s skip over to session 2. I wanted to go to therapy for my possible adhd, right? And i told her that and she told me that she has been diagnosed with adhd! Which is so nice!! I was afraid of not being able to explain it? Mind you, our country doesn’t have english as the primary language so i was afraid she wouldnt know about it or something. But she did ofc.

So then we started talking, I tolde her some stuff, she did the same, and her symptoms were very ‘severe’ (i guess its the word? we used that word so im gonna use it). Like stiches and getting hurt all the time and bruises and. I dont have that. She told me it doesnt change anything, adhd is a spectrum so its gonna be different for everyone. So anyways, she ends up saying she can see some things that could be adhd, but she needs more stuff, so she gives me a task of writing down stuff that i think may be weird stuff that i do that may be adhd or smth else.

And. I did it? But it was HARD like so hard to do it, cause so many things repeated themselves (like everyday), i would be like ‘oh ill remenber afterwards!’ and then i wouldnt so it was a mess. Combine that and im inability to fucking explain myslef and youve got a big load of shit.

But i did have some stuff there that i thought could be smth so. I just went with it, was honest with her, and in our session 3 we got to reading my stuff.

And it was. Very unhelpful? Just, useless i guess for a ton of reasons. Like, every single one or the majority of things that others talked about and said they were symptoms or things that ppl with adhd do/have or just other stuff really, she kept debunking them? And lots of shit was said and i get very weird thinking abt it so basically...

She told me that I’m probably not adhd, just hyperactive. And very tense, thats why my chest hurts all the time n stuff. I run around a lot, i move a lot, so im hyperactive. She told me that if i do have adhd, then its so... light? That it doens’t even affect me much and i can just live my life normally with it (we’re still working to see if my chest pains r rly tenseness or smth else but yh).

And it’s. Weird. Because i dont wanna have adhd, if i can help it i prefer to live with any disorders/illnesses/whatever. But i guess i just felt very lost? I kinda just, didnt wanna read anyhting i had anymore because, what was the point? Everything boiled down to me being: hyperactive, tense, and weird. And that’s it. Idk why i feel so bummed out for, what, not having adhd???? like??? thats great! I just feel so lost and confused. Everytime i see a post abt adhd and i relate im like ‘do i rly relate to it? this person suffers everyday with adhd, you probably dont even have it, why are you relating to this person if you can live normally, only with some weird quirks here n there?’. Idk. Its so weird, weirdly discouraging.

I just think that a lot of what i read abt these things i dont rly get!! What if what i thought i related to is nothing like that at all? What if im misreading everyhting?? Do i even relate to this really? Do i truly feel like this, and this, and this???? I’ll read smth and ill get what that person is saying but, like!!! For example: breakdowns, mental breakdowns. I understand what they are. But do i really?? Have i had them before?? Wouldnt i know?? How does it feel like?? And its not like i can just ask these questions like these because theyre so personal!!! I dont understand all the medical stuff, fuck!!

Another thing is that, apparently, i already have ways to help myself?? Like me jumping around and running around my house helps my tenseness (i dont think so but we shall see), which in turn means im helping my hyperactiveness??? I dont understand. If im already helping myself, if im already so good at managing this shit, if im so. ‘stable’. Why do i feel like smths wrong with me?? Just not right. i dont fucking know. I dont know anyhting i feel like, it stresses me out so much. 

What if ive been bothering these ppl with my questions when there wasnt anyhting to worry about?? I feel so stupid. Talked to my friends abt if ffs. Fuck.

This genuinely makes me so upset and i cant rly breathe right, right now? my chest’s feeling tight again so i dont fucking now. Im bitter abt it which is so stupid too. She’s helping me ffs. Fuck.

I dont knwo what to do with this post but ill keep it up. I dont care about reblogs, do it dont it, its same shit just dont be a dick in the tags/comments. This is upsetting to me, but im hoping somebody may know. smth??? idk. Im just lost rn.

[chooserecovery]

Response to the submission starting with “ Hi! I kind of need help.”

Hi! I kind of need help. I get really angry lately (sometimes over very small things, or over nothing at all) and when I’m in that state I can’t contain all this anger, I’m shaking and I just can’t handle it! For example I often get annoyed with my mum even though she didn’t do anything that could usually annoy me (today it was not closing the bathroom window). It feels like puberty all over again. I know it is totally irrational but I can’t help it. And I always take this anger out on myself, I cut, hit or scratch myself to let it all out. And I know its not healthy and I read your post abt preventing self harm but when I’m in that state I just can’t control it. It’s like I’m burning on the inside and the only way to stop this fire in my chest is to harm myself! And it’s EXHAUSTING. Afterwards I am so drained that I usually hide in my bed and cry. Honestly, like a toddler. I probably have depression too, so idk if that only happens because I’m messed up? I feel like a monster and I’m scared that I’ll hurt myself or the people around me. I read about borderline and other kinds of disorders, but nothing really seems to fit to what I’m experiencing so idk what’s wrong with me. I know I should see a therapist but I can’t bring myself to call there. And my mum tells me i should do it myself bc she doesn’t know when I have time and I’m old enough to do it myself (I’m 17), even though I’ve explained her multiple times that I won’t be able to call there.I would appreciate your advise. Sorry for writing so much. (Also can you answer without mentioning my tumblr so that it’s anonymous?) Thank you

Friend, you don’t need to apologize for writing a lot; have you SEEN my answers? You’re fine. More words usually means I have more info to work with, anyway, which means I can try to make my answer more applicable to your situation. I promise you, cannot bother me by typing a lot.

Now, on to the actual content.

TBH if someone told me that you were my past self time-travelling to write this, I wouldn’t doubt them. You are very much not alone in this. So, for what it’s worth, this type of feeling can absolutely pass; I’m generally a calm guy these days, and I never did end up hurting anyone like I was terrified that I would. I can’t say that you’re in exactly the same place that I was, people obviously have feelings for different reasons and different things help them, but I’ve definitely been somewhere similar and didn’t end up the way I was scared that I would, so I feel pretty comfortable in saying that things don’t have to go the way that you’re worried that they will.

The fact that you’re depressed probably is playing into it. Mental illness pretty much by definition means that you’re going to be under a lot of stress emotionally, and in some people that stress will manifest as anger. It doesn’t have to be over anything that makes sense; brains can just see the most minor inconvenience as yet another thing that’s causing them stress, and so it makes it seem like a much bigger issue than it otherwise would be. Think straw that broke the camel’s back; the window is the straw, and the depression is the 200 pound bag that the straw was placed on top of. This may not be the case, I am in no way qualified to diagnose you, but I have seen things show up this way before, so I am just saying that it is possible for it to happen.

For trying to get a therapist, I’d check if there’s any way that you can email them. I don’t know exactly how the system works where you are, but its entirely possible that there are alternate forms of contact, and it may be easier to type something out than to call in. Failing that, I’ve had a friend impersonate me on the phone for calls that I didn’t feel like I could make, so if you have a friend who may be willing to do that for you, it couldn’t hurt to ask. And, failing that, as a Fully Certified Adult who has to do things like make Dr’s appointments and call customer service, I promise you that once you’re actually on the line, it’s not as scary as you expect it to be. Whoever you deal with is most likely going to be friendly and try to help you get what you need, and also odds are good that they hate being on the phone just as much as you do (you don’t know how many phone rep people I’ve heard say that they hate being on the phone when they’re off the clock) so they’re not likely to judge you for being uncomfortable.

As for the anger itself, is it sudden and out of nowhere, or is there usually some sort of stress leading up to it that you try to suppress and it just ends up boiling over? 

If there’s buildup, then you can try doing things to relieve stress beforehand. It’s pretty common to try to shove things down automatically, but it doesn’t let you actually deal with things. Take some time to vent to someone or write in a journal or do some sort of physical activity, or take a bath, or whatever it is that works for you; again, every has different things that they respond to, so try to find out what you need and do that. Personally, I strongly recommend physical activities for this; they can generate endorphins which can help emotionally and also you manage to work some of the energy out. I found running and boxing to be particularly helpful when I felt like I was going to explode on someone. Whatever works for you, the earlier you can try to address those feelings, the easier it usually is to get them out because they haven’t had as much time to dwell; practice doing what you can to take care of yourself on a regular basis.

Whether there’s buildup or it seems completely out of nowhere, once you get into that state, then your best option it probably going to be trying your best to redirect that energy. Again, physical activity seems like it would probably suit you well here. Aside from that, if you can find the patience for them, breathing exercises can help get your fight-or-flight response to calm down and give you a little bit of distance from your feelings. A common technique recommended for anger management is to try to count down from ten every time you notice yourself getting angry, but this really is hard to implement when it’s truly explosive and you don’t get much warning of when it’s going to happen.

One more thing that I’d recommend is trying mindfulness techniques. Not just when you feel like you’re getting angry, but in general. It helps you develop a habit of paying more attention to what you’re feeling which can help you catch tings earlier and possibly give you more time to address them before they overwhelm you.

The whole feeling exhausted and crying thing is absolutely a normal reaction following extreme anger. To do a quick little biology tidbit, when you get angry, your body is getting flooded with a lot of hormones that are trying to prep you to either fight for your life or run away, because as far as your body is concerned, there’s not much of a difference between “I got in an argument with a family member” and “this tiger just tried to eat me.” Either way, stress hormones get your metabolism running full force, and your body needs time to recover after that. So, go ahead and rest and cry if you need to, and maybe consider getting a snack or some juice or something to help you to help you replenish those fuel stores that you burnt up while you were angry; sometimes a little bit of sugar can help make the emotional crash a little bit less terrible.

But if you can only take one thing away from this answer, I want it to be this: you are not a monster. You are in pain, and you are lashing out, and you deserve help in dealing with what you’re going through. But you are not a monster, your feelings do not have to be permanent, you can learn techniques to manage your anger and you can have aggressive or violent thoughts without having to act on them--thoughts cannot hurt anyone, and you are not a bad person for having them. 

--Luke

[arvoze]

man, this was sent like, nearly 2 weeks ago or w/e, and i completely ignored it bc i didnt have the energy/ability to care (you literally sent these when it was between 1 - 2am my time) but, it was recently brought to my attn that you put both me + lal in your byf (because i.... banned you from a server i guess, and that means lals at fault too?) so.

i guess it’s high time i answer this lmao. maybe you wont even see this. maybe youll vague abt me for the next few weeks and try and make me out to be a bad person, but i dont care lol. anyways this is under a cut bc its pointless drama i guess. ask 2 tag

additionally: this isnt rly meant to act as a callout post. but since u asked on anon (and im pretty sure we’re mutually blocked) i cant really talk about this privately. this is mostly just.. well. answering your question. ive written this little paragraph after i’ve written everything below, so like, idk dude, it happens sometimes, i get rly heated abt shit and then cool down after a while. so this is wild.

edit: i havent read this thru nor do i care about reading it through. are there a bunch of typos? probably. dont care though

i dont rly have the energy to pull up Everything esp because that lke.... requires going thru so many discord messages adn i really just. dont care enough to sift through everything

“but if u dont care why are you writing this�� shut up u wanted answers didnt u lol

nyways heres just . some shit lmao

man firstly let’s deal w your post abt my server

+ dont worry! ive got it archived in case u delete it bc who knows what ud do lol. nyways

lets just do some breakin apart on this:

i was lterally shaking at the time and having my OWN panic issues but i guess you dont rly take that into consideration lol?

this is one of the biggest exaggerations like ... you made it sound like the server was some big special place jdfghdkj theres literally 4 mods and 2 of them didnt even talk to you. the other 2 were me and lal

like half of the server isnt even fucken active on the server and the majority of the other half dont even care about unfollowing/blocking u. what a wild assumption. thts the funniest shit 2 me

please you literally sent me 3 asks when it was way too early in the morning 4 me expecting me to reply as if it was possible for me to give u all the reasons in like 10 minutes jesus christ

ths is one of the ugliest posts ive ever seen + this was posted before you were banned frm the server. several ppl in the server have bpd + i was absolutely not willing to have smeone who says this sht abt their illnesses around (re: the whole “not actively in therapy” and shit. fuck off lol)

here’s some other stuff on my list that you might remember:

(kin stuff) being fully aware that my brother wasn’t - and still isn’t - okay with doubles with a specific character, and that you were specifically warned whilst he was offline, and you knew this was the case, yet decided that your best way of explaining something was..... fuck dude, whats the wording you used? “i’d say but some people here aren’t ok with doubles” or some shit which is! literally just as bad! and tht shit has fucked my bro up so severely tht he still fuckn..... thinks abt + the shit uve said In General (shrugging emoji)

heres a fucken wild ride for u: ur the reason he left th server anyways and why the second i banned u i was immediately happy because holy shit i can talk to my bro again bc i could invite him back! to a chat where he doesnt have to deal w someone who causes him constant panic attacks! wowee

lets not forget me expressing my extreme distaste of lying [person] + r.idged.og + ridg.epho.s but u completely ignoring that shit (+ wowie remember when u said lying was yr friend and that you didnt like me venting negatively abt them bc my nasty experiences r somehow less important than ?? tht shit??? lol anyways)

god the entire fucking drama w the lying shit . i cant believe i was on yr side for a while jdfghkj. that whole fiasco was so shitty. nyways thts nothing to do w me its just something that made so many ppl uncomfy

remember when you left the lying chat and then vented to us about shit but then rejoined the lying chat unbeknownst to us + caused shit again (surprise, i know about that)

you, generally, made several people uncomfortable (myself included), and as the owner of the server, i’d much rather kick one person from the server than have several people being uncomfortable. but if that’s an unreasonable thing to do then please, inform me, because that’s news to me.

whilst i dont support alex or alex’s partner in any way, shape or form (before u try and call me a fucken apologist/supporter/whatever lol), the blatant deliberate misgendering of alex’s partner on your byf was extremely shitty of you (which has since been fixed, but yikes).

(kin stuff) pretending to not be a double around lal, knowing he’s not comfortable with doubles (which, maybe you’re not! but given you’re kin w mc.ree + got that in your byf, and don’t have anything abt not follwing if ur x.phos in ur byf...... boyo)

god theres more but im not willing to dig up all the shit + also dont want to ask other ppl about their personal problems bc thats exposing them to a past/experience they probably want to forget about/never revisit

if u found this? congratulations. you got your answers.

if ur gonna vague abt me? go ahead. i dont really see what ive done wrong lmao.

also, re: why i didn’t tell you anything at all,

i was having a panic attack and almost throwing up

i kept trying to find reasons to keep you in the server, because i didn’t want problems to arise

i will literally never talk to ppl abt this kinda shit privately bc i dont want people to feel bad but 2 late

[frop]

I GOT THE GO AHEAD TO TALK ABT KIRA from like. 3 different people so i Suppose i have to now

i didnt really have anything planned out so im just gonna toss shit out there. also bear with me bc its gonna start off abt his hand fetish fgjdkjghsf and i really truly thought i was gonna keep this semi professional but its just not possible considering who i am as a Person

ok but listen what i think would be the most interesting thing to learn about is How exactly he went about his first murder and how he felt leading up to it you know? bc presumably he started because whatever shit he was using before hand (ahaha) just wasnt gettin him off well enough anymore. 

Actually we know how he did it, because reimi told koichi and rohan that irl urban legend of the murderer killing the victim’s dog and taking its place under the victim’s bed and licking their land to make the victim think the dog was still alive, WHICH ended up being how reimi was killed (and yes, i too, wanted to die when i realized that was kira under her bed licking her hand and making whimpering noises dfhdkghfh) But whats interesting to note is that reimi wears a choker with hands holding on to each other at the front and coincidentally one of kira’s first instincts when he’s not able to indulge in his urges is to choke the woman he would target, as seen when he first starts living in the kawajiri home with shinobu. 

Ok so i said that he might have started killing bc he usual material just wasnt doing it for him anymore but this man had a da vinci artbook in his house during the events of diu so Clearly he had the mona lisa book marked or some shit. i didnt really have much else to say abt this honestly it was just an observation from the anime bc i dont know if it was in the manga too? anyway.

Actually now that im thinking about it i dont know if his first murder was to satisfy his fetish. current kira, of course, its all he does it for, but 17 year old kira? maybe, maybe not. i mean, reimi herself says at the end that he didnt take her hands afterwards so either his first wasnt for the satisfaction OR it was, and he was just so overwhelmed with the fact that he did manage to kill someone and he just didnt think to take them at the time. 

It Has Now Been A Full Day Since I Last Touched This So Let’s Go 

@ his nail habits: SO his dad says that ever since he was little, biting his nails until they were raw and bloody was the only way he could vent his frustrations. Frustrations abt what exactly? who knows, it could have been general anxiety since we know he doesnt like being in the spotlight (i might just projecting a little too hard) OR they could have been his murderous urges showing up from a very early age. current kira, however, was only ever shown to do it once and it was when he killed hayato so its definitely a way to cope with incredible stress too. 

he started collecting his nail clippings the year he killed reimi and the “”official”” timeline puts it as right before he committed the murder. So it definitely has something to do with how he felt in the time leading up to it i just cant pull anything out my ass that could possibly connect the two lmao.  Anyway i really do think that he picked up the habit of collecting his nail clippings as a substitute for gnawing them off every time he felt on edge. and then i guess he just started making these far fetched connections abt the length = his luck for the year/month? (i dont remember and its 1am idc) which, are almost as far fetched as all my connections too. 

OH FUCK ok i really truly believe in my hopeless romantic of a heart that he started having feelings for shinobu. ofc his situation at the time made him immediately rationalize it as ‘oh nono im just trying to keep up impressions. it would be mighty suspicious if my wife happen to die on me’  WHICH, is a valid point. however notice how he acted when he thought he had the rest of his life perfectly protected, he got real cocky and gave shinobu a kiss on the cheek, part of it was 100% to spite hayato but i think the other part was him letting himself relax and kinda indulge in the Married Life™️️ shinokira is terrible bc its so domestic and tragic it hits all my weak points. 

Can’t believe i almost forgot to mention the fact that kira was only 1 (one) year older than reimi and that its entirely possible that they went to highschool together, especially considering how small morioh’s population seems to be even during the events of diu. whats even more fucked is the fact that arnold was more or less reimi’s guard dog and yet.. he didnt bark or alert reimi to anything when kira invaded their home which might mean that reimi and kira were on at least good enough terms for arnold to be able to recognize him as friendly. Doubly fucked bc that means kira must have been targeting her for a good while and figured the best way to strike would be to gain her trust.

ok i dont think i have anything else to add unless i suddenly get like a massive influx of thoughts in the minutes it takes me to wrap this up.

 IN CONCLUSION, kira yoshikage is awful and terrible and is easily the most interesting villain in my humblest of opinions and im glad i got a chance to finally unload all these thoughts that make absolutely no sense whatsoever when put together in an essay format. 

also no offense but kira yoshikage is mixed bc naturally blond blue eyed fully japanese men are just not likely and considering who kira is as a person he would never go so far as to dye his hair lets be real