#i just dont feel very. right most of the time. not wrong per say but not right either.

[paingoes]

Rubies

Communication

authors note: kitty uses the word ‘nonverbal’ here in a way that isnt really medically accurate. thats kind of a whole discussion im not gonna get into now but tl;dr delta has selective mutism and autism but he isnt “nonverbal” per se.

(Content: living weapon whumpee, discussion of past captivity, past abuse, discussion of war, (internalized) abuse apologism, dehumanization, emotional whump)

================

katkittykat: hiiiiii :3c

nodiving: hey

He glanced over the top of his laptop screen, across the room where Kitty was curled up on the armchair. She flashed her teeth at him when she smiled. Her nails clicked against the keys when she typed.

katkittykat: this is so smart lowk idk why i didnt think of it sooner

nodiving: yeah

nodiving: i’ve seriously been drafting forum arguments in my head this entire time

nodiving: all of them probably think they won just cause i termed

nodiving: would it be weird if i just pick them back up like nothing happened

katkittykat: ya u might have to let those go tbh

nodiving: :/

It was very hard to type with the cast on. It took him much longer to write than it normally would. Luckily, she didn’t interrupt until she heard the typing stop.

katkittykat: so like whats the deal w u

katkittykat: are u not talking cause ur scared to?

nodiving: no

nodiving: yeah

nodiving: its not that im scared necessarily its just that its very very unnatural for me 

nodiving: it still feels rude and overfamiliar to me even if i know you dont see it that way

nodiving: this is a lot easier thank you

katkittykat: you dont have to talk if it’s uncomfortable !!!

katkittykat: its cool if ur nonverbal we can just keep texting like dis

nodiving: i think i do want to though

nodiving: its just hard

nodiving: please dont like…stop talking to me

nodiving: im trying

katkittykat: u will have to deal w us talking to u FUREVER !!!! >:3c

nodiving: <3

katkittykat: aaaaaaaah <33333

He hesitated a long time before typing the next message.

nodiving: do you think i should have stayed

katkittykat: what???? D:

nodiving: on a purely strategic level it seems like this was not the most optimal outcome

katkittykat: urghhhh 

katkittykat: well on a ~purely strategic level~ im not the best person to ask tbh

katkittykat: like im ngl galatea was NOT prepared for sudden reunification and thats why levon is so pissed at us X)

katkittykat: but it would have been hard no matter what and if the war had gone on we wouldve had to fight along 2 different fronts which is also noooooot good

katkittykat: and if we had to do that. we would have had to fight you! which would have been v v v not good  X(

katkittykat: so idk if there was really a better outcome? and even if there was like

katkittykat: its not ur problem

katkittykat: ur not just a chess piece to be moved around

nodiving: i kind of am though

nodiving: theres obviously been a huge fallout because of this and it feels wrong to write all of it off just because of. my rights or whatever.

nodiving: i feel like i kind of jumped the gun leaving when i did

katkittykat: aw jeez :(

katkittykat: i was curious abt that tbh i assumed there was some final straw for u but i didnt wanna pry obvs

katkittykat: seems like it was bad ?

nodiving: i dont know 

nodiving: i was more scared by the escalation it represented than anything that actually happened so i feel like i may have overreacted a little bit

nodiving: its hard to explain

katkittykat: ur ok! u can talk abt it when ur ready

katkittykat: but fwiw i really doubt you overreacted

nodiving: thank you

katkittykat: if anythin u seem to be kinda? downplaying it????

nodiving: it really wasnt that bad

nodiving: i could have gone longer

katkittykat: idk delta it kinda seems that bad

katkittykat: i think u got used to it

katkittykat: but that doesnt mean it wasnt bad

He gave her a nervous glance from across the room, his hands stilling on the keyboard. He reluctantly began to type again.

nodiving: did you say i didnt have to talk about it

katkittykat: yes!!!! mb

katkittykat: do u wanna play league omg we actually have time now

nodiving: yessssss

===========

nodiving: hi

sunspot: Hi Delta!!!! :)

sunspot: How are you !!!!

nodiving: im ok

nodiving: im sorry i was such a dick to you before 

nodiving: i was looking at the old messages again i feel really bad

sunspot: No you’re totally good! We were being really pushy i get why you were upset

sunspot: We were just worried for you honestly even when we didnt know you that well

sunspot: It was scary when you would just disappear for weeks at a time like that

sunspot: We just wanted to make sure you were safe

sunspot: Still do!

nodiving: thank you 

nodiving: i was scared too

nodiving: can i ask you something

sunspot: Yes please!!!! Yes I thought youd never ask!!!!

nodiving: is levon going to kill me

sunspot: Oh no

sunspot: He explicitly promised me not to

sunspot: Delta please do not tell me you have been worrying about that this entire time

nodiving: it stood out as a distinct possibility 

sunspot: Didnt he promise he wouldnt hurt you?

nodiving: yes

nodiving: you understand why i may be a bit hesitant to take him at his word

sunspot: Yes I guess thats our bad 

sunspot: But i really don’t think he wants that for you

sunspot: Do you think he’d wait for you to heal just to kill you at the end?

nodiving: not sure

sunspot: That was rhetorical! The answer was no.

nodiving: then what

sunspot: a good question

sunspot: I wish I had an answer for you and I really cant apologize enough for putting you in this situation but I'm afraid it could get very messy for a little while

nodiving: messy how

sunspot: In the broadest possible terms

sunspot: They dont really know what to do with you

sunspot: So that is something we are all going to have to figure that out together

=============

LEVON: Kitty.

LEVON: How are you, my sweet?

KITTY: omg hiiiiiii

KITTY: im rlly good actually things r rlly good!

LEVON: Any progress?

KITTY: ya i think so :)

KITTY: hes opening up a little hes still like. v v shy in person? but not as scared i dont think 

KITTY: hes very polite

LEVON: Poor thing.

LEVON: Does he have sensory issues? I hear that’s a big thing with psychics.

KITTY: ummm yeah hes v twitchy. i think he gets his signals crossed a lot but idk if hes aware of it? he just gets all hackle-y at literally nothing sometimes

LEVON: Interesting.

KITTY: how are things back there

LEVON: Well, it’s a shitshow. You’ll find out soon.

KITTY: eek

KITTY: um can i tell u smth

LEVON: Of course.

KITTY: i dont think hes ready yet 

LEVON: You have the rest of the month.

KITTY: no even then i just dont think hes gonna be ready

KITTY: he needs more time

LEVON: I feel like I’ve been more than generous in letting you keep an unsupervised superweapon(!) in your house for two months without disturbance 

LEVON: I’m not saying I’m going to put him through the ringer or anything but he does need to come back to base.

LEVON: You’re coming with him, so I don’t see what the issue is.

KITTY: will we b able to see him then :?

LEVON: Sure.

KITTY: can he room w me :3c

LEVON: Nope.

KITTY: why D:

LEVON: Security reasons. 

KITTY: levon :(

LEVON: This isn’t coming from me.

KITTY: but ur the boss!!!!

LEVON: Yes, but this isn’t an absolute monarchy. I’m still obligated to follow protocol and I’m obligated to listen to other members of the council.

LEVON: Who I should add, are a LOT less okay with this than I am. 

KITTY: ok i get all that but listen like

KITTY: i dont think u understand how fragile he is rn

LEVON: I think you may actually be underestimating him.

KITTY: uh wat do u mean by that

LEVON: He’s held his own within Empire for nineteen years. That’s not for the weak. He can handle a little strain.

KITTY: lol is that what u call it

KITTY: a little strain?

LEVON: Relatively speaking, yes. I’ll do what I can to make it painless for him. Personally, I think he’s innocent.

KITTY: he IS innocent

LEVON: Can you prove it?

KITTY: ITS SUPPOSED TO BE THE OTHER WAY AROUND!!!!

LEVON: That file you sent me. You made it, didn’t you? You’ve seen what’s on there? The casualty count?

KITTY: but thats not his fault!

LEVON: And I agree with you. But that’s what we’re going to have to establish. 

KITTY: but i dont want him to :(((

LEVON: What you want is not necessarily the basis upon which the courts operate.

==========

katkittykat: doing ok????

nodiving: yeah

nodiving: in my room

katkittykat: what do u do in there

nodiving: kinda just been sleeping a lot

nodiving: im really tired all the time i dont know why

nodiving: i didnt use to be

katkittykat: ur sleep debt is probably insaneeeeeee that why

nodiving: yeah

nodiving: im sorry that im like this btw

katkittykat: u dont need to apologize for resting bby theres nothing 2 b sorry for

nodiving: not just that i mean everything

nodiving: i know im not normal 

katkittykat: u rlly rllllly dont need to worry abt that around us i promise we r all freak bitches

katkittykat: i like talking to u tho and i think its ok if u dont realylly feel “normal” right now u dont need to b

katkittykat: u can just b urself and if u dont know who that is rn thats fine too becuz u have the rest of ur life to figure it out

katkittykat: i will still want to hang out w you anyway <3

It took a long time for him to respond. She thought he may have fallen asleep again.

nodiving: why are you being so nice to me

Her turn to hesitate. That was more of an Apollo question — he could explain it ad nauseam. She didn’t know what answer she could possibly give him, if he even really wanted one. 

There was so little she knew about Delta. Each glimpse she got of what his life had been like painted a worse picture of it. They always said he’s been through a lot when anyone asked; it was a convenient euphemism for a whole array of issues. He tried so hard to play his cards close it to his chest. It felt like a betrayal then, the way the signs slipped through. 

nodiving: you dont have to be

She frowned as she slowly tapped at the keyboard.

katkittykat: i wanna be tho

katkittykat: cause i like u

katkittykat: <3

Another moment of silence. She braced herself. There was no way she could try and unpack all of that herself. She hoped she would not have to. She would do it wrong.

nodiving: <3

…………

tags:

@catnykit @snakebites-and-ink @vivulapom @scoundrelwithboba @whatwhump

@pumpkin-spice-whump @deluxewhump @fuckass1000 @fuckcapitalismasshole @defire

@micechomper @writereleaserepeat @aloafofbreadwithanxiety

[miiilowo]

i feel like theres not a lot of great resources out there so i figured id just ask -- how would you recommend ways of living with/helping out someone else with npd? :)

youre right! most of the time when u look up NPD stuff its "THE ABUSER DISORDER: KNOW HOW TO RECOGNIZE IT AND DISABLE NARC DEFENSES SO THEY CANT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU" which isnt. Great

all it really comes down to is listening to them n addressing their needs if they've communicated them to you. ill try to simplify it so i dont get too into details, though i will likely fail, and most of this advice will be based off my experiences, so idk how much itll apply to whoever ur talking about BUT:

generally (and w me especially) you can safely say that NPD mostly has to do with ego dysregulation. Our [as in myself and people w npd] mental health and general happiness tends to rely on how people perceive us, and if that perception is anything but positive, we feel like poopy doo doo dogshit. we kinda need to be paid attention to in a way that feels meaningful, yknow? compliment them, make sure theyre included in conversations (esp group ones), and try not to ignore em in any way. if youre talking to them and youre busy, for example, make sure you include that detail so they don't feel like youre brushing them aside. stuff like that. if they make art, and you genuinely like it, try going into detail as to why, whether its the colors or linework or what have you. if they write, tell them what you liked about the story or poem, etcetera. Tag them in stuff that reminds you of them if you have their socials, or send them things, show it to them, whatever.

lots of us tend to actually be very insecure, even if it doesn't seem that way, which might be important to keep in mind. sometimes we can get whats referred to as "narc crashes" (im not particularly a fan of the term narc, though theres nothing actually wrong with it, so ill just call it an NPD crash) where for whatever reason, we go from feeling great and secure in our egos and our stability and happiness and security to falling 600 feet down directly into hell no recovery absolutely awful 0% joy 0% light 100% agony. dogs with human teeth screaming at you and shit its really just no good. calling you a dunderhead

they usually (though not always!) come after a high where we feel fantastic, and most commonly the cause of a crash is we get hurt by someone, humiliated, or made to feel lesser in some significant way. for me, they're the worst when i no longer feel confident that people like me, and i become incredibly worried everybody secretly hates me. which is a very very very awful train of thought to be experiencing when you have the "EVERYBODY NEEDS TO LIKE ME NOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW" disorder. so if ur friend seems depressed or upset make sure to ask whats going on and bump up the praise and stuff up a notch. its the best way to recover for Me, at least. crashes dont have a consistent like. timeframe? i think it highly depends on the severity of what happened and whats being done to fix it, though im certainly no psychologist lmao

i feel like when folks w npd Are mean or unfair its because their needs arent being met, theyre doing awful, and they need support so they dont desperately lash out for it. god knows thats the case for me. thats another thing thats important to keep in mind i think

a lot of traits of NPD aren't pretty, and thats just a fact of the matter. its a disorder for a reason and all. even if we dont express the almost inherently negative traits all the time (usually because we are aware they are unfair to other people), its very likely that we are feeling them, and it does erode your brain after a while. The DSM-5 list of traits is probably the best way to go for this, as per this government website:

"A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and with lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood, as indicated by at least five of the following:

Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements, expects to be recognized as superior without actually completing the achievements)

Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, brilliance, beauty, or perfect love.

Believes that they are "special" and can only be understood by or should only associate with other special people (or institutions).[milo note: its hard for me to find something specific to make bold in this definition, but generally, i do not express that i think that i am better than other people even if i think it]

Requires excessive admiration.

Has a sense of entitlement, such as an unreasonable expectation of favorable treatment or compliance with his or her expectations.

Is exploitative and takes advantage of others to achieve their own ends.

Lacks empathy and is unwilling to identify with the needs of others.

Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of them.

Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors and attitudes."

Ive bolded the ones that would negatively affect people that, I, at least, try not to express but still feel, or feel the desire to do, near constantly.

As you can see, thats a pretty hefty chunk of them! I'm sure some people could take problem with every trait listed here, in which case they can suck my whole dick, but those are the ones I've noticed upset people the most, or make relationships the most difficult. I bring these up because if someone does express these, you need to keep in mind it is because of a personality disorder. That doesn't always make them acceptable, and if they are really upsetting, you should talk to them about it, but thats just like. basic relationship shit lmao. just try to be an eensy bit forgiving

Though the MAIN reason I wanted to bring up the traits is due to the 'entitlement/unreasonable expectation of favorable treatment/compliance' one. This can manifest in a whole lot of ways, but it is genuinely infuriating when someone ignores what i want them to do/what ive asked them to do/etc, especially if its for a reason that doesnt 'feel' solid enough, like them just not wanting to do it. it can be incredibly frustrating if someone with npd says they need something from you or want you to do xyz and it doesnt happen, so try your best to listen to them. if you cant do what they desire for whatever reason, make sure thats clear, and why. Most of us will recognize we're being unfair, but will still be mad; Just know its not because of you, its because of the disorder, and most people will not hold it against you because they're aware its unreasonable in some fashion.

i think thats like. the main things when it comes to meeting the needs of someone w NPD. to summarize and dumb it down:

make sure to compliment them in meaningful ways, especially when you really mean it

pay attention to them; try to prioritize them in conversation and such. it feels very nice. dont ignore them for the love of god

keep the crashes in mind, and try to uplift your friend as much as you can. reassure them you care about them, maybe not directly by saying "i care about you" but with your actions in general

listen to them and adapt to their needs as best as you can

remember that if they are being unpleasant its probably because of The Disorder and they are not doing well. dont let anyone be a prick to you but try to be kind. everybody goes through shit

if anyone has anything to add, or if you have any followup questions, feel free to ask ^_^ i very much didn't cover everything here, and again, this is mostly based off of my experience as someone w NPD, and everyone is different to some degree. The most important thing to do is ask about their needs, and try to adapt to them the best you can.

i think thats all i have to say for now tho so. sayanora. if i come up w anything else ill add it in an edit

[inkstainedhandswithrings]

TBB s3 ep13 THOUGHTS!!

Starting off with a sunny shot of Tantiss seems like a good omen

I probably just jinxed it huh?

Omega🥺🥺🥺

Poor baby

But they get toys

EVA TELLING OMEGA ABOUT THE DOLL

ECHOOOOOOOO

“You really think we can trust that hydrosnake?”

“I can hear you.”

Bitch is bitching about the Captains uniform like he hasn’t been wearing prison pj’s for two episodes

Oh? Omega snuck a weapon?

Smart girl

Omega is there for what? One day? Two? And she already has a plan to get them all out

The boys will finally find tantiss only for her to stand on a pile of rubble with a blaster and the other kids around her like “oh you finally made it?”

Echo stripping their armour from all colour pls this is making me so sad🥲

Like I know it’s just for infiltration but idk, their armour losing it’s individuality is feeling like a BAD omen to me

“That’s ’do your thing, sir.’”

“I don’t think so.”

Bro really just wants to get punched in the face, huh?

“Where is your captain?”

“Uh… … … captaining?”

👏👏👏👏👏

showstopping

truly

I’ve been laughing at this for 2 minutes straight

The comedic timing was *chef’s kiss*

see I knew Wrecker was gonna beat the shit out of him

Honestly Rampart is the most whiny little bitch I’ve ever seen

Like JESUS CHRIST just shut your mouth

Like he’s complaining about EVERYTHING like he has a say?

Hate to break it to you buddy, but YOU DONT

YOURE JUST PISSING PEOPLE OFF

That sequence of Echo sneaking aboard was 10/10

Fucking droid vacuum? LOVE IT

“Bout time.”

While wearing the guys hat HAHAHAHAHAH

WOW

JUST IN TIME

I was SO SURE that it would go wrong again

Honestly since Cross missed the shot I’ve been scared

I mean, I knew Omega was gonna make it out, but I wasn’t so sure about the rest of the batch

Honestly for a second there I was like “Jup, this is it. The moment we lose Echo.”

BUT THANK FUCK HE MADE IT

Yo besties, this one was a rollercoaster

I mean I had a good time but I went through a lot of emotions there phew 😮‍💨

So does this mean that Cross can kill Rampart now? Because they don’t need him anymore, right?

Also, I love that Echo is back, but again, I AM SO SAD REX ISN’T WITH HIM! Because if Rex isn’t in this episode, then he probably won’t be in the next two either. Like I was really hoping we were past the “let Rex show up in ONE (1) arc per season, somewhere mid-season” thing. Like I was hoping we were gonna actually tie him into the story so that the torch for “clone centric animation show” could be passed to him and now I’m less optimistic.

I mean, anything can happen still but… we have two episodes left and somehow we still don’t quite know what the deal is with Omega’s blood and M-count, she still needs to escape, we still don’t know who clone X is, and we somehow need to find a conclusion for the batch AND the clone rebellion that explains their absence in future storylines without being rushed and… that’s,,,, A LOT?

In conclusion, I am very confused and scared and I’d like to go home now pls (by which I mean the batch should get to go back to Pabu with ALL THE OTHER CLONES IN TBE GALAXY and have a nice little life🥺)

anyways see you next week! hahahaha🥲

[papakhan]

i think you misunderstood me. i wasn't trying to say you were misinterpreting the character, just that you approach him somewhat differently than i do, in some significant ways, and maybe not even him per se, just "what comes next", so to speak.

i also wasn't saying that boone shouldn't feel remorse about what hes done, because, like, yeah, he really damn should. and unfortunately the bias against the great khans that permeate the games writing rears its ugly head again--i mean, some of the fan favorites call them dirty people who need to be chased out of the mojave, and while that in itself isnt bad writing (characters can be bigoted and biased), it feels like the player is given very little in terms of retaliating against those statements and the games assumed status quo that the ncr supposedly has more legitimacy in its presence than the khans do. i was more getting at where that remorse would take him, because as you said, his storyline is largely concerned with his own feelings while the game gives you no real way to make him snap the hell out of it, stop justifying the atrocities he was a part of as some inevitability he sadly has to bear, and overall stop making it about himself and open his tiny eyes to whats actually happening and what can be done. like, yeah, he could go from suicidal gestures to groveling, and again to be clear he should feel sorry, but i feel like thats still centering his emotional journey.

as for defending bitter springs, like. yes, the refugee camp at bitter springs is in itself an ugly truth of an image of the ncr, revealing it as a force that tramples over people and commits atrocities and then names itself protectors of whats left. terrible protectors too, seeing how poor and understaffed the refugee camp is. i wish that in itself couldve had some sort of impact on the man as well. still, in terms of material consequences, boone protected the refugees, and while once again that doesnt Repay for anything or Make Up for anything, i dont think it was necessarily the ultimate point of the quest. as you pointed out, it wasnt great khans he protected from the legion, it was refugees from arizona and the handful of ncr staff. theres not any kinda neat bow put on it, there's no coming full circle. being denied a selfish "heroic" death in favor of, like, protecting some people he doesnt know, i think its interesting and could serve as a way to pull him out of this spiral. maybe its wishful thinking on my part, but the difference between novac boone and post-independent boone IS that ncr has completely withdrawn from the area and boone took part in the actions that lead to that. but i could just be wishing things had been written differently. oh! and you brought up giving him up to the great khans to judge, its something ive thought about before, and i wish it was something you could do in the game.

anyway... im sorry if i came off as confrontational in my first anon, i saw that you were answering asks about it and i wanted to offer my own perspective. none of it was said to undermine yours.

well first of all I'd like to say I'm sorry for being hostile, it's difficult for me to interpret tone at the best of times and even worse over text so I appreciate you telling me that didnt mean to sound confrontational and i'm sorry for taking it that way

i think its just frustrating to me that like. idk the Joshua Graham dickriding has died down a bit recently because people have finally figured out that despite the game framing him as the good guy hes actually still a terrible person and the writers were wrong for what they did (the racism most of all) but then people still lick Boones/the NCR's boots

but your perspective is refreshing i think youre right yeah, Boone shouldn't really be the centre of the "victims of the bitter springs massacre" because. he's not a victim. he is a perpetrator. on that you have made me realise that yeah even if hes begging for forgiveness even then its still bad for it to centre him at all

And the Khans being one of the power houses of Vegas pre-NCR is woefully underexplored but tbh given how the rest of the Khans are handled I don't even think its a time constrains thing its just a writers thing. i've complained enough about how the Followers treat the Khans in game not really lining up with how they used to work together / can work together in the future but that's a whole other thing

i still think the fight for bitter springs is still the climax of the I Forgot to Remember to Forget questline, its supposed to be what snaps boone out of it and lets the player come to some kind of resolution with him. They're not exactly good or helpful resolutions, because as I have said before he still doesn't respect the Khans and as you have also said this is a problem with the game as a whole. and he's still protecting people he doesnt know for ultimately selfish reasons. It's a step. I guess. and yknow its a video game with only two conclusions for a quest, the rest of those steps are kind of up to interpretation.

its the beauty of fanworks and what have you. like I said my perspective is more one of frustration. Me liking the Khans so much and examining the game from their POV when the game kinda hates them and that feeds into the fanart/writing and looking at Boone is just. I'm just tired

[runningfrom2am]

HE ALMOST KILLED HIMSELF- i mean, i guess that’s a skill too. not everyone can fail at poisoning the wrong cup lmaoo.

i just love the way you show how coriolanus acts with his emotions rather than mind. he deepens the conversation about his mother and sister even though it will hurt- because he is emotional. he doesn’t change his mind about the murder even though her father could be so valuable as a doctor- because he is emotional. coryo doesn’t take action for the most beneficial outcome but the one where he will feel the best.

thank you for advancing the timeline!! i like that the pregnancy is after they both have received their respectable positions. i doubt he would be thinking about a child before becoming the president and she would want to give her all to her first few games as the head gamemaker.

did she know about the murder of her father though? if she didn’t -beforehand or right after-, do you think she figured it out? maybe her mother or brother would imply it? how would she feel? what would she do?

okay yes let’s get into this so minor spoilers for the original books series below so i’m gonna cut it!!

so yes firstly i don’t recall if you’ve mentioned having read the books or not but i tried to include what his MO is in the books! literally that he always drinks out of the same cup first so they feel safe to do the same but HE is given an antidote. i get why they didn’t include this in the movies but i do really wish they had!

THEN yes this is an extremely emotional topic for him and i wish i elaborated more on what his real (known or unknown to him) motivations were even in killing her father. i think so much of it was protecting r from him, even if he knew he could truly help with her pregnancy and even the delivery. his need to protect her overrides that “risk”, because i think in that moment of panic, since he didn’t know her father would want to help, coryo couldn’t say yes even if he wanted to because he would be running the new risk of r being upset with him for allowing her father anywhere near her AND their child. but, i think consciously, he didn’t consider it for even a moment even knowing that happened to his mother bc above all, he was not about to let that pos anywhere near his child and he knew you wouldn’t either. discarding his and r’s own trauma, it came down to protecting their son.

moving on to the timeline, you are 100% correct. i put in the tags that it’s 10 years after they left twelve, and by then they would both be well established in their careers and their new home and comfortable with their lifestyle of “fame” (for lack of a better term), where eyes are on them constantly. they knew they had to (and wanted to) have kids but i think timing was very important to them. the one thing i DONT know which i would love to hear your thoughts on is how she would handle her role as head game maker while pregnant. obviously hormones are CRAZY when you’re expecting, and i’m wondering whether or not it would even be in her nature to view the tributes as what they are: children. maybe while she’s pregnant she withdraws from the extremely personal connection she’s developed with her games because she can’t imagine her child going through something like that even before they were born. of course she would have to still control every detail, but maybe she wouldn’t even watch that year. idk. just something that’s been eating away at me lol.

FINALLY when it comes to whether or not she knew, i feel like coryo would tell her not long after, but probably lie. i think he knew that her brother would likely tell her, so he had to jump on that first and come up with a reasonable explanation. he knows she hated her father, but i think just like i mentioned before that he would be scared that she would be upset with him for actually killing the man who raised her. would she be mad? probably not, considering she has helped him cover up murders more than once (mayfair and lucy gray, one of which being extremely personal to both of them), but he couldn’t be careful enough because he loves her so much that he can’t fathom her being any kind of upset toward him or his actions. i think coryo would take the route of telling her he died of some kind of illness, maybe the flu, taking a play right out of dr. gaul’s book to gauge her reaction. i think r would be skeptical, since she knows every move dr. gaul had in her arsenal, but he would be too scared to tell her outright even if he knew she would see right through it. i don’t think even then they would talk about it. i think she would smile and nod, giving him a kiss on the cheek and they would go about their day as normal. if she was going to be told the full story and find something to be upset about, it would be that he drank the poison first before giving it to her father.

[moonlightdancer26]

Hello There.

this is kinda weird and meta and i cannot tell if it’s written coherently so plz just hear me out

so yk how J*R admitted that, when she was writing OOTP at the same time as the first movie was being made, she made a lot of the changes/revelations we see for severus’ character bc she liked alan rickman’s portrayal so much? her only valid opinion

prior to that it is much easier to see the relationship between james/the marauders and severus as ‘slytherin vs gryffindor antagonistic’

(the prank (PoA) is imo played off more as ‘sirius was in the wrong by organising it, james did better by following severus and getting him out of there’ without input from OOTP)

anyway, this is all to say that pre-OOTP james and post-OOTP james feel like very different characters, bc one is very much good-guy-in-the-making and the other is the worst of the worst, and i think it can be brought back to J*R’s inability to write interesting slyth vs gryff rivalries without resorting to bullying and harassment from one party (the way she writes slytherins makes me want to smash my head against walls)

what do you think? bc this is coming from a kinda biased marauders stan, pro-james perspective, even though i dont hate young!sev in the slightest

i feel like a lot of my issues with this whole thing can be summed up by The TERF Bitch Can’t Write, And Now We Suffer Because Of It

I’ve heard of that claim before, and iirc I’ve seen a source of her saying that a long time ago, but could you tell where cause I’d love to confirm this? 😭 She had already had Snape’s arc planned out because during the earlier films Alan wanted to quit his role because playing Evil Greasy Potions Master might get him type-casted (since he’s played villains before) and he didn’t want that, so Rowling decided to tell him about the grandiose reveal in DH, which is what made him stay.

what do you think? bc this is coming from a kinda biased marauders stan, pro-james perspective, even though i dont hate young!sev in the slightest

I actually think that was the point. In the earlier books we’re led to believe that Snape had no good reason for hating Harry’s dad and only resented James (and Harry) because he was a popular, loved Gryffindor and a talented Quidditch player. It was a bit of a red herring, and in PoA when Sirius and Remus are introduced we’re told about the prank and since Harry already hates Snape, obviously loves his father, and wants to know more info about his parents because he now knows two people who were the closest of friends with them, he assumes Sirius is right and evil Sneep Snoop is wrong and was just being petty as per usual. So for the first five books the readers are like “yo James is the perfect awesome guy and Snape is the jealous bad one,” which is increased when we remember James is a Gryffindor and Severus was a Slytherin, we sort of get the same image as Harry and Draco. It’s an extremely black-and-white image, the dawning realisation that it might not be just a simple rivalry/jealously-issue is what makes SWM in the 5th book so jaw-dropping to all of us, because we actually realise that it wasn’t the whole story. “Snape was right all along” is a super scary realisation for Harry, especially since it makes him completely rethink the image of his father that’s been painted for him by basically everyone around him, everyone except the one character Harry despises most of all.

This isn’t to say JKR doesn’t make shit decisions in writing, I 100000% get what you’re saying, but I think this was deliberately written that way so it can to be a big build-up to the plot twist. (Doesn’t make it very well-written, but it was still her intention ig.) and tbh the fact that we have so many unanswered questions/concerns about the plot holes/arcs/writing/etc and have to fill it in with the most plausible assumptions really goes to show how overrated JKR’s writing is and how her series has been enriched mostly by its fandom.

Also dw you’ve gotten your point across very well, I always get concerned with my writing because I’m worried it just sounds like a pile of unorganised bullshit 💀

[philosophicalparadox]

Cough, it’s me, hi

Regarding our clown:

What kinks doesn’t he have? Where does he draw the line, as red as his red flags?

Thank you 💀❤️

He has his limitations. He's rather keen on keeping clean, so I suspect any kind of Scat or disease kink is gonna be a big ole nope. Omarashi/piss kink though? Well, technically urine is sterile until it makes contact with something, so as long as his partner is clean down there I think he'd be okay with water sports 😆

Also, simple as it is, I think he'd turn away someone who just. Wasn't attractive enough. Hed also likely turn away any partner that Just didn't smell appealing to him in one way or another. Be it medication, illness, age related things, or just an accident of genes, if you don't smell appealing he won't smash.

Other turn offs include being unnecessarily sycophantic (especially as a sub) and bad acting. He's all for role play, but you gotta really commit to the bit.

He's all for every facet of BDS(S,S)M(M) but his partner can't be too wishy-washy. He's uh. Not the guy you wanna go to if you're just trying certain kinks and haven't got a feel for them yet (especially Sadism/Masochism or CNC) cause he will run rough-shot right over any boundaries in pursuit of his own pleasure if he gets too interested or excited. So putting him in a position where he's already supposed to be breaking rules and actively ignoring "pretend boundaries" when his partner isn't too confident in their ability to play along is not going to end well for them most likely.

I also get the feeling he prefers very much to be the one in pursuit so to say. He doesnt mind people trying to seduce him per se, but man you'd better be good at it. I dont think he'd tolerate someone who was always trying to get past his pants and doing it badly. Unless it was so terrible it was cute. That is its own form of entertainment and can be a valid (and effective) strategy.

Which leads me to an important distinction: Sexual desperation? Total kink. He goes hard for edging and toying with people's libido. He lives to turn people on and then watch them writhe with uncertainty, want and even confusion.

Emotional intimacy kind of desperation?. Hard pass. He has no room for that ugly color in his wardrobe and won't be seen standing next to it either if he can help it any. Though it can come in handy sometimes, that is something he prefers not to do to the greatest degree possible. Especially if they're gonna be all clingy and touchy feely. Nope, nope and nope. He doesn't mind fulfilling people's psycho-sexual needs if they're useful to him, but he draws a hard line at anything approaching lovey-dovey, obsessed-with-him, or truly Romantic in its intention. Or, at least most the time. :) Even he has his own psycho-sexual thing going on now and then and doesn't mind cuddles or intimate physical contact to that end. But the concept of "making love" is not something he really understands nor enjoys partaking in. (Nor being expected to partake in).

Honestly I feel like he probably says no more often than his prospective partners do, because he's busy, or not in the mood, or they just don't have enough significance - or the wrong kind of significance, like with his own staff - to be worth the while. Sex feels great but even it gets dull after all that time. As horny as he is, even he has his limitations.

:) hope I answered sufficiently.

[haemosexuality]

i went insane rambling on the tags of this post about princess bubblegum and ran out of space so i copy pasted it here so i could finish writing. under read more bc idk

tbf i dont think i would say pb is like... Good. well actually. wait. im gonna go on a rant.

i think it depends on how we classify ''good''. what makes someone a good person? what makes someone evil? thoughts or actions‚ past or present‚ etc. i honestly dont think i can firmly say bubblegum is either good or evil. shes one of the few truly morally grey characters ive seen. like

no matter what you think makes someone good or bad she has most certainly been bad in every single way. and also good in every single way. hm.

. she is not a naturally empathetic person. thats not to say she doesnt care about people‚ she does‚ and sometimes those feelings influence her actions a Lot even if she doesnt realize it. but also‚ even when it comes to those she cares about‚ emotional empathy is a struggle. shes the definition of thoughts over feelings 100% scientific brain facts and logic. she is Very egoistical‚ she likes being in control and having power over people (not bc shes power hungry per se but bc thats the best way to keep control over others. shes Logical. and if she has control than nothing can go wrong)‚ she likes not being questioned and she did and still does often disregard other peoples rights and privacy to get what she wants and to be on top/have control over them. she does care‚ about a bunch of different things in a bunch of different ways‚ but caring about someone/multiple ppl and naturally feeling empathy are different things. she needs to make an effort to take other peoples feelings into consideration‚ and while not feeling empathy and etc obviously has absolutely NOTHING to do with morality‚ the thing about pb is that most of the time she does not make that effort‚ and actively does things that hurt other people for her own gain‚ or for Science™ or the Kingdom™. she doesn't care ab how other people feel or their privacy and she does like government crimes and mass murders and a surveillance state about it. she cares deeply about her people for example‚ but not really them as individuals‚ shown when she likes fucking kills them or put cameras on their bodies etc. shes more worried about them surviving than their autonomy. she cares about finn‚ but specially at the beginning she treats him more as an asset than anything‚ and does shit like implant a gps on him without him knowing. and while shes Always liked control and been all logical alpha brain and shit‚ and struggled with sympathy‚ she used to care a lot lot more. or better, she used to Allow herself to care and to love and to feel‚ she build herself a family because she felt lonely and she loved marceline deeply. but like the post and the show said she kept being hurt and she needed to protect an entire kingdom alone‚ which meant repressing all that to fucking hell and back. so she slowly just build up and let her ''no sympathy no feelings only Facts And Science'' side rule until she forgot anything else

and thats how we meet bubblegum in the show: manipulative and head of a dictatorship and with no one she truly cared about close to her, doing awful awful things and not taking time to remember about others. what are morals. being just so very fucked up

like

your thoughts and brain and whatever do not make you evil. your actions do. but her actions are terrible and she does the things she does bc sympathy and caring do not come naturally for her, but being waaay to super mega smart and wanting control Do and she has hardened and isolated herself enough that she has no one to like, pull her out of that. keep her in check. remind her to make an effort to consider other people.

in the show, we see her begin to try and be good again. by letting other people in, by letting herself feel, letting herself be a Person outside of being a Princess and a Ruler and a Scientist, she begins to make that effort again. and bc shes like a war criminal that comes not only in the form of apologizing for those who are or were close to her and she was awful too, but also destroying the surveillance system and stop spying on people. she tries to begin having good actions. she realizes what she had been doing, and feels guilty about it (for... probably the first time honestly. she was very indifferent about it before. everything she did was the most logical thing to do, after all.) i say shes still firmly morally grey tho bc while shes no longer like Evil, she still. goes back to spying on people and etc. shes still Like That, just toned down. all that show that while shes getting Better shes still not good, and probably will never be, because thats just how she is. crazy scientist manipulative pink candy princess. shes the best

she was also never truly evil tho bc even at her worse her actions were not to cause harm! Most Of The Time! and when they were to cause harm it wasnt just bc she was idk a sadist or something, it was with a goal (usually the neutral goal of Science or the good goal of protecting her people) in mind! Theyre still not excusable tho bc they did cause harm! a lot! to a bunch of different people! and like she does care a lot she loves marceline she loves finn she loves netty and she loved shoko but she just doesnt KNOW how to love people and all of those feelings are like behind a brick wall in her brain so she just tries to science everything out and it doesnt always work. like ARGH such a good character. such a good morally grey character. i ❤ bubblegum. i love watching the show and flinching at all the terrible shit she does and being like jesus christ bubblegum what the fuck

anyways here are more good pb analysis

xxxxx

i want to keep ADDING THINGS but this is huge so im just gonna reblog a bunch of posts ab her now goodbye

[plasticfangtastic]

Pssst... Try not to take what they say in interviews too seriously. Sometimes things will be intentionally vague or an outright lie to confuse or appease people or throw them off from something. Ennis is infamously known for that although I don't think everyone realizes he does this, but he's also working on the show with them.

They said Marie surviving "wasn't as simple as them needing her alive" and it's kinda funny to see fans take it one way or the other when that can be so many different things in context of The Boys universe and especially what we saw in Gen V.

"Plans to kill Homelander" is Billy every season without success, but even if he did, I think we'll see him getting haunted by Homelander big time after the fact. I still want Hughie to be the one who kills Billy but maybe it's beyond the grave Homelander who's there as Billy is dying instead of Becca. I think that would be fitting and Billy honestly deserves it.

There's definitely an element of groundwork they are following from the comics which has been pretty consistent but what I really suspect will happen is that the control virus will end up used on Homelander by someone to purely weaponize him. I think we'll see him become an attack dog and fully efficient berserker without getting to enjoy any of it and having a different sort of mental break after.

The comics sort of rob you of the gratification Homelander's death could give and I think they want to recreate that effect for the show but who knows.

The scary part for me is all the genocide apologism that is going around but The Boys is sort of meant to unmask people and have us reevaluate the way we think so I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. Still hurts though.

As far as Cate "going too far", he's technically right. Not because Shetty wasn't a complete scumbag who wouldn't deserve death, but because she'd been completely neutralized with Cate's powers.

Neutralizing someone by killing them and killing someone who has already been neutralized are two very different things. Just jail her and let her suffer and stew in her own anger and actions knowing she lost at that point because death is the easy way for someone like that. She asked for them to just make her forget but Cate should have forced her to remember or even live through the memories of her victims.

Actually, if they wanted to make Billy fail and survive with Homelander permanently haunting him I'd be completely down for that because fuck that genocidal shithead.

Lol I don't know if this will make you feel any better but just things to think about I guess.

I could see Homie being a ghost haunting Billy as Billy already hallucinates Homelander for some reason that they still havent explained but he its a cash cow for Amazon and they might not just give us 5 seasons so I doubt the execs would want to get rid of him... the writers ans Kripke might hate HL but audiences have proven he its likable and profitable and frankly the idea that all of HL fans are maga type fascist its absurd bcuz my gay brown ass sure as fuck isnt maga and i adore him.

Its getting clear that they will copy the comic to some degree like Homie building an army to have a coup and Billy wanting to use a virus to commit genocide.

Will disagree on Cate v Shetty cuz absolutely nothing she did was wrong in my opinion and yes am being an apologist but i dont feel anything for killing child abusers like absolutely nothing. this bitch was Voguelbaum lite and everybody in the woods deserved it. My only issue its just how jarring the writing and ediring made the whole scene play out but its likely the shortened ep count and time per ep did that.

My ideal ending its Homelander winning and realizing it didnt fix anything and that now he its even more alone than before. I think bad guys winning its the most subversive thing for the stale af genre of superhero media. I want him to win not bcuz i love him but bcuz it would be more devastating for the narrative and shocking to the audience if he did.

[renewingagain]

monday 22 january 2024 // 7:11pm

feeling a little sorry for myself today but equally it is lowkey kinda my fault still lol

i received a job rejection which again would have been a perfect way for me to start a new career. it was what i wanted to go into and it was based in reading/london which would have been perfect for me to move to massi's and start my new life there

i suppose i still can just move down there come may, but i feel awkward about moving there without a job. it feels disappointing to my parents, and i dont want to burden massi

i mean yeah to be honest i didn't prep for the interview at all until the day - i was just so nervous as i find interviews quite daunting - especially civil service interviews, they are so tricky to navigate and this one i didn't pass at all. probably should have dedicated more time to it

anyway.., yes its a bit gutting to be rejected BUT it happens in life! if i was giving someone else advice in a similar situation, i would encourage them to just keep trying again. better your skills, take on feedback, yes it is a GRAFT, but (most) successful people just have to graft, it is the way life is if you wanna make it in the world. you can't allow rejection to tear you down, you've got to just chin up and carry on. there is a period of mourning, a period of sadness, a period of feeling sorrow. then comes a period of fixing yourself, a period of trying again, a period of progess, advancement, bettering yourself. the sorrow should only be for a period, ideally a small period. it is fine to be sorrowful but this will not cause change to occur

today i was in management training and we learned about emotional intelligence. we were taught that all emotions are positive. the sorrow i am feeling right now is now causing me to reflect (hence, journalling) and work out next steps, this is actually positive. allow your (bad) emotions to be the drive for change, don't just sit in them forever. disappointment is fine, it happens, we are only human, but reframe this disappointment to work for your good

think of the pain scenario: if you don't feel pain (eg, someone pinches you) then you will never know that anything is actually wrong. this anxiety you are feeling in your mind and your body is because your body wants and needs change, it is not happy where it is. try to use it as a driver to change. i would want the drive to be that i just don't want to feel anxiety anymore because it is tiring lol.

this isn't to say i'm doing terribly, generally i am actually quite well. there are good things still happening in life. i did a solo gig as a support slot for my friends band last weekend which i was very nervous about, but i owned it and it appeared to be well-received. im enjoying friends and being alive

anyway

we also come back to this old adage of how im going to choose to spend my time this year. i am very tired of using my phone, it is wasting my time a bit too much when i have many things to do

we also learned today in the management training about time management. my phone is a huge waste of my time, it is not the priority i want right now. i have a lot to do! more gigs to learn songs for, more CV work to do

i need to really sort my priorities out again

working out

looooool! ok, it is far too cold to be running right now, i cant face myself to do that. but i can still start doing my pullups every day again, and do some resistance band training too. that is all indoors and is at least constituting some form of exercise

i need to look at my to-do list and really just prioritise a few things, other things may have to wait. if i have to forego music stuff then i will. but i think i can do it all. i need to set aside time-slots of tasks i need to accomplish per day. and not use my phone while i'm doing things so i can just get shit done

chin up g, things will work out for you. i won't be stuck here forever, i refuse to be stuck this year. 2024 will be even better than 2023

if i dont find a decent job in london, the contingency plan is to just study and get qualified :) full time, this i can do in 3 months ! thats not too bad right? im sure i can find a pay monthly course to help me afford it if i really need to. it is an investment, and it will work out. london will be heaving with jobs once i get qualified in something

[wander-wren]

ao3 wrapped: 2023

it’s january 5th but it’s still the first week of the new year so it counts! [it is now january 16th because i got distracted and forgot, oops]. some of you might remember when i did this last year; for some reason i didn’t just screenshot the “all years” tab, even though i should have because ao3’s year stats are wonky (if you update a fic, regardless of how much of it was posted in previous years, all the stats get dumped in the most recent year).

regardless, adding these together gets our starting stats for 2023!!

142 user subscriptions

6,213 kudos

439 comment threads

1,505 bookmarks

514 subscriptions

464,453 words

60,289 hits

so the stats breakdown for this year, across 36 completed works and…like 3 wips that were being updated in other years as well.

131 user subscriptions

16,490 kudos (excuse???)

810 comment threads

4,480 bookmarks

1,156 subscriptions (that’s a lot of emails)

438,885 words

200,866 hits

and i forgot to order those fics by kudos, so it’s kind of biased toward my longfics in that chart there. my top kudos’d fics are:

wrong place, right time- quirkless!izuku, all might bashy au where aizawa finds him on the roof in episode 2

what’s a god to a non-believer?- direct continuation of the first, lol

hear my name in your silence- fic in the same series except it’s examining hitoshi’s (adopted by erasermic) backstory. of note, these were all posted within a week, so the series spent a lot of time on front pages, filtering wise, and a lot of people were reading the whole series at once, hence similar stats

all systems red- todoroki & dadzawa sickfic and adoption combo meal. this was my first fic to really shoot up there in numbers, really interesting time for me

for you i would cross the line (i would lose my mind)- long bkdk bdsm au, they’re pro heroes dealing with trauma and a scandal. part of my larger FLFverse series

i dont think you can extrapolate much from such a small selection of stats except that getting into a big, active fandom did very big things to my numbers even if most individual fics didn’t get super popular. i think part if it is also just me being more prolific (doubled my works count from the previous two [three] years) and, potentially, Better At Writing.

also the top three are part of the same series and the 5th is a longfic, so they wouldve had more chances to come up on the front page. also, they’re all popular tropes/characters/relationships. go figure!

so what are MY favorite fics from this year, or the ones i think deserve more recognition? well! in no particular order:

march (little!hawks)- is it cheating to list a whole series? a late entry, but i’m having a lot of fun with it. hawks + dabi + age regression, starting out with a secret relationship and quickly taking a hard right into angst through the war arc. i also am just a big fan of all my agere fics but i cant say only those ones! so i’ll leave it at this

and we’ll be alright (revolution lover)- first in a series about trans!izuku and katsuki helping him heal from a shitty ex. one of my first real attempts at smut but also just a really fun cool fic to write.

taxidermy fingerprints, taxonomize your differences- T4T bodyswap ronan/adam fic, like the only non-BNHA this i wrote this year. one track mind, hello. but it’s kind if experimental and very, very weird and i love it a lot. definitely an ode to being trans.

burning through the sky- it’s come to my attention that i write a lot of series, and i’m trying not to just rec my same series over and over. i also do like this one! shinbaku a/b/o au, torturing them by playing with heats and consent. maybe i should write more omegaverse sometime 😳

take off your fragile armor- little 5+1 vashwood thing about vash being clingy and self-sacrificial. i had fun with it and i totally need to write more trigun stuff.

so hopefully at least some people find those stats interesting! feel free to shoot me questions about fics or stats, as per always!

[my-lifestory2005]

intro

Idk if anyone will ever see this but lets begin anyway . Life is hard for everyone, for u ,u may have endured the cruelest thing u can imagine . Same goes for many of u. I won't say i am poor , disabled physically or mentally but life doesn't see that , does it . It only gives u doors, some doors require a lot of strength,  more than that , some are even fearful. But anyhow , u have to know how to open even the ones , u are most afraid of. My name per say , lets be seo ,i knw it sounds Japanese or Chinese but i am not. My life has been for 17 years but what can i say ,i am a sage . Not bragging but nowadays even the right things gives wrong meaning . I am true to my heart , i say whatever i want but never anything that will ever hurt somebody. I care for everyone around me , even the ones i dont like , u know whats the diff between enemy and friend is for me , just a sorry . Even the person who troubled me the most , i would forgive him for just a sorry . People including family say i care too much but i am not like other people.  I am just more human then they will ever be . For me all emotions are very strong,  but i cant feel anger or hatred for more than half an hour for anybody.  The biggest lie ever told was ,emotions cant be felt physically , they cant be touched . Let me tell u why , it is mostly a miracle that i have vgp , voluntary generated piloerection, i knw its a big scientific term and all that but let me explain in layman terms , its controlling ur goosebumps.  Yah i know they are involuntary for u but for me and some other people they are waves just like ocean that flows through ur skin , each emotion can be felt through , ie different intensity and control. , its just like dropping a drop of water in a bucket ,u can see the waves ripple , for me its kind of same .

I will continue on vgp later but lets simplify, i am just here to share my life stories,  i dont want to be forgotten i am dead tommorow.

I see hundreds of people each day but they are so predictable about almost anything.  U know ,no matter how good i am to them , how matter how i help them ,they will always have something that will scar me forever.  Many people have promised that they wouldn't leave me but eventually they left and forgot about me , but i never forget someone's face . I don't have many people i can share my stories with so here i am . I have loved many people but they always show me , i cant be loved , to be exact i am unlovable . They is no place for good people on this earth but still i was born

into it. So intro is done ,next time i will start my first story , vgp stories come later

[tmabutlesbian]

this is a kinda personal post and I’ll be talking about my own mental health but because of covid i cant see my friends, we all know we talk better to each other when in person, we’re all kinda waiting to spill the tea and dump everything on each other when we next meet, so. I need a place to. Place. My thoughts?? To vent. I’m gonna vent so. This is your warning.

(VERY LONG POST ahead so. Yeah.)

Some time ago, I asked a blog that I won’t tag cause. I feel like, i have to be on my best behavior around this person? But um, basically I asked them about like, adhd and stuff and they decided not to answer (which very much fair, mistake on my part truly) but! They did help me get like a little help to talk about it, because I’ve been learning more n more abt neurodivergency and I just felt like every adhd post just hit way too close to home too regularly to be normal so! I got help and then... because of other very useful developments with my family, I got to see a therapist!!

And i love her to bits!! She’s so fun, sometimes a bit too energetic for me but she’s very cool! Our first session isn’t very useful for this post so let’s skip over to session 2. I wanted to go to therapy for my possible adhd, right? And i told her that and she told me that she has been diagnosed with adhd! Which is so nice!! I was afraid of not being able to explain it? Mind you, our country doesn’t have english as the primary language so i was afraid she wouldnt know about it or something. But she did ofc.

So then we started talking, I tolde her some stuff, she did the same, and her symptoms were very ‘severe’ (i guess its the word? we used that word so im gonna use it). Like stiches and getting hurt all the time and bruises and. I dont have that. She told me it doesnt change anything, adhd is a spectrum so its gonna be different for everyone. So anyways, she ends up saying she can see some things that could be adhd, but she needs more stuff, so she gives me a task of writing down stuff that i think may be weird stuff that i do that may be adhd or smth else.

And. I did it? But it was HARD like so hard to do it, cause so many things repeated themselves (like everyday), i would be like ‘oh ill remenber afterwards!’ and then i wouldnt so it was a mess. Combine that and im inability to fucking explain myslef and youve got a big load of shit.

But i did have some stuff there that i thought could be smth so. I just went with it, was honest with her, and in our session 3 we got to reading my stuff.

And it was. Very unhelpful? Just, useless i guess for a ton of reasons. Like, every single one or the majority of things that others talked about and said they were symptoms or things that ppl with adhd do/have or just other stuff really, she kept debunking them? And lots of shit was said and i get very weird thinking abt it so basically...

She told me that I’m probably not adhd, just hyperactive. And very tense, thats why my chest hurts all the time n stuff. I run around a lot, i move a lot, so im hyperactive. She told me that if i do have adhd, then its so... light? That it doens’t even affect me much and i can just live my life normally with it (we’re still working to see if my chest pains r rly tenseness or smth else but yh).

And it’s. Weird. Because i dont wanna have adhd, if i can help it i prefer to live with any disorders/illnesses/whatever. But i guess i just felt very lost? I kinda just, didnt wanna read anyhting i had anymore because, what was the point? Everything boiled down to me being: hyperactive, tense, and weird. And that’s it. Idk why i feel so bummed out for, what, not having adhd???? like??? thats great! I just feel so lost and confused. Everytime i see a post abt adhd and i relate im like ‘do i rly relate to it? this person suffers everyday with adhd, you probably dont even have it, why are you relating to this person if you can live normally, only with some weird quirks here n there?’. Idk. Its so weird, weirdly discouraging.

I just think that a lot of what i read abt these things i dont rly get!! What if what i thought i related to is nothing like that at all? What if im misreading everyhting?? Do i even relate to this really? Do i truly feel like this, and this, and this???? I’ll read smth and ill get what that person is saying but, like!!! For example: breakdowns, mental breakdowns. I understand what they are. But do i really?? Have i had them before?? Wouldnt i know?? How does it feel like?? And its not like i can just ask these questions like these because theyre so personal!!! I dont understand all the medical stuff, fuck!!

Another thing is that, apparently, i already have ways to help myself?? Like me jumping around and running around my house helps my tenseness (i dont think so but we shall see), which in turn means im helping my hyperactiveness??? I dont understand. If im already helping myself, if im already so good at managing this shit, if im so. ‘stable’. Why do i feel like smths wrong with me?? Just not right. i dont fucking know. I dont know anyhting i feel like, it stresses me out so much. 

What if ive been bothering these ppl with my questions when there wasnt anyhting to worry about?? I feel so stupid. Talked to my friends abt if ffs. Fuck.

This genuinely makes me so upset and i cant rly breathe right, right now? my chest’s feeling tight again so i dont fucking now. Im bitter abt it which is so stupid too. She’s helping me ffs. Fuck.

I dont knwo what to do with this post but ill keep it up. I dont care about reblogs, do it dont it, its same shit just dont be a dick in the tags/comments. This is upsetting to me, but im hoping somebody may know. smth??? idk. Im just lost rn.

[3d10fire-damage]

i gotta ramble

right now i’m kinda concluding that somehow, imogen going super saiyan here is going to revive her downed party members or otherwise undo the events of this combat

because on one hand, yeah if the players make poor choices or just get unlucky then all is fair, if they die then they die and that’s just how it is, but like i dont think they made bad choices, for the most part? they decided, pretty much as soon as they could, that they needed to run from the encounter. that otohan was too powerful and they should not stay and try to beat her. but then running just didn’t work, because between otohan’s legendary actions and her echoes, she was chasing each one of them down in turn and basically downing them once per round.

and the party didnt even go into the fight hurt or tired, really. they had plenty of spells and HP. so they wasted a bunch of time trying to run, which was futile, and then by the time things got real, they hadn’t dropped her low enough to actually get that close to beating her.

and THEN when laudna reached out to otohan about the moon crown thing, and rolled a really good persuasion, it seemed to convince otohan, but then laudna said something slightly wrong i guess, and otohan went and killed fearne anyway. like that high roll didn’t matter. (also like the fact that she saw imogen’s memories about the device didn’t matter.)

so then i’m like, okay this whole encounter hinged on imogen, from the beginning. fair enough. so otohan spends a big portion of the encounter telling imogen to give in to the storm, and it’s like... ANYONE in that position (unless they were playing an evil character or something) would naturally, instinctively, choose to resist. that’s what imogen has been doing this whole time-- running from the moon shit because it’s scary and possibly evil and she doesn’t want to hurt people. to give in, at this point especially considering otohan has only been hurting the party, would appear to be siding with the enemy. turning on your friends. or like, taking a big risk or sacrifice that might not be worth it. and really i dont think imogen knew what giving in would even mean? she didn’t know otohan’s intentions or what would happen if she gave in.

so obviously she kept fighting it. yeah she was rolling wisdom saves, but there’s always a chance she passes those, so if matt intended for imogen to like, auto-fail them to suit the narrative, he wouldn’t have asked her to make those rolls, or she would’ve had disadvantage on all of them. if you compare this episode to the episode where yasha gets taken over by obann, it feels a lot more... loose. i dont remember if yasha still made a roll to save against obann’s mind control, but either way ashley wasn’t going to be at the table for months. this was a much more winding path to get laura to say the magic words.

and after a while, with actual death occurring twice, it kinda felt like there was only one correct choice? or the bells hells just needed to be going full aggro AND rolling really well AND otohan had to be rolling like shit (did she ever make an attack roll under 20? if she did it wasn’t very often).

because when your choices boil down to: 1) you give in to the storm like the legendary NPC says or 2) you keep fighting a losing battle and watch all your friends die because you won’t comply with the legendary NPC...

you’re not actually forced to choose the former... but you would be really fucking inclined to, right?

but i don’t believe matt would railroad them this hard (certainly not on purpose), and i don’t believe he is the type of DM to punish them for making the “wrong” choice by killing the PCs. so in short lmao i guess i’m assuming (hoping) that somehow this ruidus thing imogen is doing can bring back the dead or rewind time or something because ngl i’m gonna be a bit frustrated if we permanently lose fearne and/or orym because of these shenanigans

[hotch-stufff]

Fluff #8, Angst #5 and Fluff #43 with Gibbs, please. The reader is in her late 20s, Gibbs and her got into a fight because the reader isn't sure about the age gap and Gibbs is trying to push her away because he's afraid of letting her in

Hard To Believe

gif by dwayne-pride

Pairing: Gibbs x reader

Warnings!: angst, slight pining, making out, kissing, crying, but ofc a fluffy ending

Prompts: Fluff #8 “I realized something.” “What?” “I love you”, Fluff #43 “Is it so hard to believe that I love you?", Angst #5 “I love you” “No you don’t

Author's Note: I know its not quite how you described, kinda switched to where reader pushes him away. Hope you still enjoy!!

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Loving Gibbs was easy. It was too easy. Too easy to fall for him. Too easy to look at him and allow your heart to flutter. To easy to feel butterflies every time he brushed your arm. That was the easy part.

The hard part was hiding it. Or figuring out if or when you would tell him. The hard part was pretending. Pretending you didn't care, pretending he didn't matter to you.

And you didn't even know if he would feel the same. You were, considerably younger, 13 years to be exact. And people would say things. You shouldn't care what people think, but it could ruin Gibbs reputation, and that you cared about. So you wouldn't tell him. You couldn't tell him. And that was the hard part.

You never expected a relationship. But you definitely didn't expect him to show up at your door and confess his own feelings.

It had been a rainy night, very cliche. He knocked repeatedly on your door until you finally answered. You were shocked to see him there, drenched. You invited him inside, and took his jacket, hanging it to dry. And he sat on your couch, silent per usual. You sat there for a while before speaking up.

"Soo, you gonna tell me why you're here?" You said, trying to start a conversation.

"I'm not sure what to do here." Was his only response. He looked nervous, which was strange for Gibbs. He wasn't a nervous person. He was always put together and confident. But he wasn't wither of those right now. He was slumped over, thinking hard. He was fumbling with his hands. He looked so ... vulnerable.

"Gibbs, whats wrong? What happened?"

"I just, I realized something."

"What?"

"I love you." The words were spoken clearly, and confidently. You were taken aback. Shocked was an understatement. Seconds ticked by, and silence filled the room. The only noise was the rain hitting your roof. He stared at you expectantly, waiting for some type of response.

"W-what?" Was all you could muster up. His face fell. "What do you mean? You're not serious. You can't be serious."

"Is it so hard to believe that I love you?" He asked, his voice was quieter. Gibbs didn't express his feelings often. He was opening up to you, allowing himself to be vulnerable. But you couldn't give in, could you?

"Yeah." He hadn't expected that. "Gibbs, your 13 years older than me, your my boss." He froze. You knew he had to have taken this into consideration. Why was it not enough to stop him?

"I don't care. I love you Y/n." You could feel the tears gather. You two couldn't be together. He had already been through enough in life, he didn't need the judgment that would come from being with you.

"Well, I dont feel the same." You said, your heart breaking a little bit with each passing second.

"Yes you do." He stood up angrily. "You do, but your avoiding them." You sighed.

"Gibbs-" he cut you off.

"No, you love me too. I know you do y/n. I know because everytime you look at me, its the same look that I'm giving you. You blush anytime we are near each other. You're always there to make sure that I'm okay." Gibbs didn't speak a lot. He was a functional mute, as they say. But he sure as hell was saying a lot now. Saying a lot of truth. A truth you couldn't allow to happen. So you lied.

"Those are all things a good employee does." You really tried to make it as convincing as you could.

"Employee, really?" He paused "Bullshit." He stood there waiting for your response. He only needed one more push and he would be gone. "Why won't you just tell the truth?"

"That is the truth Gibbs! This would never work between us!"

"What is it? That we work together?" You didn't move a muscle. "That I'm a closed off person." He paused. "Is it that I'm older than you?!" You flinched slightly and he knew that was it. You needed him gone before you ended up telling him that you loved him too. You knew exactly what to say to push him away.

"I don't love you Gibbs. I can't even trust that you would be with me long before moving on again." That did it. In that moment you forgot why you were pushing him away, especially after seeing the pain in his eyes. It was there for only a moment, before they went blank. His face following soon after. He nodded his head, and walked out, slamming the door.

And you fell to the floor in tears. You had to do it. You couldn't be together. You couldn't. It wasn't right. You were young, he needed someone older, more mature. Someone who wouldn't add to his baggage. Someone who wouldn't add on to everything he's been through. You couldn't be together.

These were the words you repeated to yourself as you cried yourself to sleep.

* * *

The next day was hell. The next week was hell. Everything sucked. Gibbs was on a rampage, pissed off and pissing off everyone else. He avoided you at all costs. The most he talked to you, was when he barked an order. You expected that.

What you didn't expect was the guilt. You thought you were doing the right thing. Pushing him away was the right thing to do. So why did you feel so bad? Why did a pang of guilt hit your heart evertime you looked at him.

Why were you filled with guilt everytime you saw the frown that adorned his face. Or everytime he snapped at Tony, Ziva, Tim, and even Abby. The guilt was consuming you to a point that you could barely bare seeing him. You had been trying not to hurt him, but he was in more pain now that he would have been had you told him the truth.

Would it really be so bad? To love him. To be with him. You couldn't remember why you didn't tell him you loved him in the first place.

You had to tell him. If he never forgave you, that would have to be something you lived with. But you had to explain. You had to tell him the truth.

So this time, it was you showing up at his house. His open door policy was something you were grateful for because you aren't sure if he would have just slammed the door in your face had you knocked.

You found him in the basement, sanding away at a boat. A glass of Bourbon sitting on the bench. He looked ... bad. Tired and angry. You hated that it was all because of you.

"Gibbs." He spun around, glaring at you.

"The hell are you doing here." You gulped and took a step forward.

"I uh, I came t-to apolagize." You stuttered out.

"Get out." He barked at you.

"Gibbs, wait please." You begged. You would get on your hands and knees and beg if you needed to. You had to tell him.

"What?"

"I love you."

"No you don't." He didn't believe you. It wasn't surprising, you wouldn't have believed yourself either after everything you had said. So you began explaining, pouring everything out.

"Yes I do. So much. I know what I said was, awful and so wrong on so many different levels. And I'm sorry, I know you hate apologies, but I'm sorry. I was scared. I'm so much younger than you and I thought people would judge you. And I know its stupid, but I didn't want that to be another thing you had to go through. I didn't want to ruin your reputation. You carry enough baggage as it is, with the job and just everything. I couldn't add my own baggage to that. But this past week has been hell without you, and it makes me forget everything. You make me forget. And so I'm so sorry Gibbs, because I DO love you. I love you so fucking much." He let you finish your little speech, remaining silent.

And he stood there remaining silent for a good 5 minutes, before he was marching forward and slamming your lips together.

It had taken you aback, and you faltered slightly, allowing him to press you up against the boat. He pressed into you, lips moving together passionately. His nose bumping yours, your hair falling in your face. He lightly moved it away before deepening the kiss. His tounge fighting for dominance. You gave it to him with a small moan. You could barely focus on anything other than him. The kiss ... it was more than you could have ever imagined. And man had you imagined this moment. You had wanted this for so long.

"You're so stupid." He said, breaking away and pressing his lips down your neck.

"I know." He smiled against you, and bit down slightly on your skin. You let out a surprised gasp, and his lips were back on yours.

"I love you." You spoke against his lips. He pulled back so that just your noses were touching.

"Love you too." And he kissed you again, and again, and again. Leaving you with a night you would never forget.

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Loved writing this. Let me know what you think!! Thanks for reading! Requests are still open, so ask away! If you would like an idea of what to request, here is my prompt list, and if you would like to read more of my work, here is my masterlist.

[pocketed-fool]

Okay so. Again, spoiler alert.

If you havent finished/played the game please dont read this.

Ive seen plenty of times people call the Pale King a coward and now yall aint exactly wrong, but also it's not completely right.

Before anything else here i want to clarify that im not defending him for what he has done.

The dude fucked up. Hard.

So.

Ive seen people antagonize the King (for a good reason okay) and straight up call him a bad person and saying that the game puts him in a bad light in general, but the thing is that the story doesnt want you to think of the events as if it was all black and white.

The Pale King seems like a very stern person, quite strict too and possibly with a very strong tendency to control, to rule, to possess (in the hidden room, the one with the Void tablet, he clearly expresses how Void should be "harnessed", controlled, and in the Path of Pain he mentions how punishment must be necessary to witness "sealed secrets"), so basically not a very open, emotional kind of person, right?

At the end of the Path of Pain we see him look at the Pure Vessel though.

Maybe he cared about his child, and if he didnt, the Pure Vessel surely did.

The idea instilled.

(In some hidden files the Vessel calls him in a dreamnail dialogue while they're still sealed in the Black Egg, In any case its very likely that they both cared for eachother, in a way or another).

So its just safe to assume the dude just kept a cold and strong appereance just for the sake of the Kingdom even when he noticed his plan was going to shit (Wyrms have foresight so there is no way he didnt know) and he still kept sticking to his plan cause that was the last chance they, as a Kingdom, had.

At the very end he ends up escaping in the dream realm, which at first looks like the most coward thing to do.

But if you think about it: the Queen, whose biggest desire is to "spread her seed" and to have a family, ended up giving up on the desire to have other children and to breed because of shame and i believe the King did the same exact thing.

He gave up on trying to control, possess, own and rule altogether because of shame.

And yes, fear.

But most of all shame.

Shame for letting his children die in the Abyss, shame for giving up on the only child who survived, shame for letting his kingdom die when it needed him the most, shame for choosing three dreamers, who were gonna keep the seal strong and protected, and then refusing to back up when even Monomon noticed the plan was not gonna work, shame for upsetting Gods that ended up causing the mess he was trying to fix , shame for putting such weight on his Queen's shoulders, shame for trying to fix issues that started the very first moment he shed his last molt and became who he was until he died.

He decided to disappear so that he would restrain himself from keeping the problems from multiplying.

And yes, this doesnt exactly look or feel right, but it was probably the only thing he had left, possibly the hardest thing too.

I honestly cant stop thinking how good of a character he is, he appears like three/four times in the entire game and he has such depth in characterization its crazy.

So yeah, the Pale King isnt a great person, but i believe that if he had a chance to have a Kingdom without the problems he had to face when he built his own, id almost think he could be a good King. Not a great person per se, just a good King.

And who knows, even a good father.