#using my tumblr as a diary now

[emotinalsupportturtle]

people with who you respect ridiculous non-existent boundaries because they never indicate where their boundaries are at

[midnightclover]

Summon Night: Swordcraft Story (ATLUS, 2003)

[llitaahue]

another year... 🍮🎀📖

──★ ˙ ̟🎀 written 19.7.24, 8:11 a.m.

it has come to the end of this school year and i find that though it's only been one academic year, i have experienced the biggest era of change throughout this past year than i have ever in my entire life. since last year, i have grown indescribable amounts, having met new people, developed a new mindset, found new interests, started new projects, worked so hard, learnt so much to aid in my academic and personal life that i have become a completely different person.

at the beginning of this year, i resented who i was in the year prior. i hated who i was before and i wanted so badly to be different, to feel different, to be anything but what i was. i was motivated but depressed and hopeful but anxious, flitting back and forth between emotions and feelings and ideas on what i wanted to do.

my only main goal for this year was to become the girl i want to be. i know for a fact i've definitely got what i wanted, even if it is not to the extent i wanted it just yet.

i was crawling back up the ladder from rock bottom at the beginning of this year and now i'm over halfway up the ladder, and writing this i've come to the realisation i don't give myself half as much credit as i should. i have done so well. i am so proud of myself, and as i should be. as human beings, we automatically hyperfocus on our failings and shortcomings, and fail to give ourselves the amount of credit we'd give anyone else. but i have done freaking amazing for where i was a year ago. well done to me from last year!!! ♡

the word surprise doesn't even scratch the surface of how utterly shocked i am that i am halfway through high school already. mentally, i'm still in primary, playing with my friends and drinking orange juice and eating pretzels on the playground at break, but i know that can't be the case forever and i'm slowly coming to accept that nostalgia and anemoia are just feelings i have to not overcome, but learn to live with and treat with kindness and fondness, just as i would any other emotions.

as much as i miss primary days when i didn't have the fast approaching, low looming fear of exams and jobs and finances and The Future as a whole, life is evermoving and everchanging in its fluidity and therefore i must be the same and yearning for a past i can barely remember as the days go by and a fragile, dreamlike childhood i'll never get back. in the end, there is nothing we can do but move forward.

so, another year comes, and i do all i can ever do; move forward, another step closer to the future. even as you grow, your heart will always stay the same, and that brings more comfort than any wistful memory ever could. i'm going to enjoy this break as much as i can, and i look forward to this coming year and making it something beautiful i can recall with a fond yet heavy heart, just as i do with the years already passed. ♡

[vampydog]

where is my guard dog who lets me play with their mouth, lightly dragging my fingers over their sharp canines while i coo at how good and strong and scary they are. where.

[themidnightthief001]

idk if this is just me but as an author I REALLY struggle in writing morally black characters. Like they gotta at least be a little sympthetic.

This translates to when I'm writing fanfic as well. Even when a character is revealed to be basically pure evil in canon I'm like, 'what if tragic circumstances brought about their descent into evil?'

For the fic I'm currently writing, the victim of this is Kristoph, (AA wasted his character potential, but that's another conversation) who I'm giving an over-controlling father and a mother that views him as the 'golden child' (the parents will be explored as well lmao). Both of these dynamics on their own are bad enough but combined? Tragic. People aren't born evil y'know? His need to maintain total control had to have stemmed from somewhere, even if in canon he likes to pretend it doesn't. He's a pretty central part to the fic im writing despite him not appearing often since it is from Klavier's POV as he navigates his own messy family life in adulthood. Since these two don't have a canon backstory I can do whatever the hell I want and I intend to make them suffer >:).

And its not about justifying the actions or trying to redeem them because I feel in some circumstances redeeming a character can actually harm the narrative more than benefit it. It's more about explaining the journey before arriving at the end. Also about showing how things could've been different if they didn't let hate consume them. Or other such 'negative' emotions.

[sweetmage]

.

[aurorahrt]

sskk ao3 has brought many things into my life and that thought alone is very emotional

[love-me-satoru]

really need new internet friends who would love to trauma dump with me.

i also really feel like i need to talk to someone to get clean and i don’t know if ill actually follow through

or might just end it all.

my birthday is literally this saturday. But i don’t even feel like i deserve any sort of happiness since i keep lying about my recovery.

Also i haven’t eaten a meal since friday. lost 7 pounds since then. i’ve always wanted to lose weight. i just didn’t expect it to be a very dangerous way.

[x-enocyon]

Fighting for my life to participate in Yeehawgust this year <- guy who is moving in a week

[agirlwiththoughtsandnegativity]

honestly I love talking to people and making new friends but at the same time it’s also TERRIFYING

[urimaginarygirlfriend]

your favorite internet girlfriend has successfully flown across the atlantic and is now posing inconspicuously as queen ayo edebiri 🇮🇪

[auriidae]

my brother and i went on a 4-hour walk to a different town and back today and recited, like, the entirety of the steven universe movie from memory (complete with songs!)... both of us have only seen it twice but we are both Insane 👍 it was very fun!

[cryptidferret]

Fuck tiktok

[swordsonnet]

it's not all bad news though: my antidepressants are finally working so my mental health is a lot better, i've got a rollator now to help me walk, and i'll probably get a support worker in a few weeks!

[genderfluid-druid]

if i act exceedingly dramatic in the next 36 hours to a week it's because the cat is ill and my emotional circuits are overloaded

[gayforcarstairsgirls]

I really miss being able to read books