#transitioning later in life

[abaharashi]

I was 27 when i first discovered Night in the Woods. I was piqued by its art style and charm. I had been needing something to jist BE with. I didnt newd achievements, i didnt need scores or mechanics. I didnt need difficulty or grandiose stories that stretch across the stars and peirce hearts unseen.

I needed a game i could sit with. Take my time and just relax, and enjoy.

Gregg was a favorite early on. Its easy to see why. Everyone should have a Gregg in their life. But i quickly grew attached to Bea. I was drawn to why she waa so...snide with Mae. And given their supposed history i felt so inclined to learn more aboit Bea. And try to reform what friendship was there before things when caput.

Im not going to talk about the rest of those adventures or stories. What i want to talk about is how i am now 3 years into my transition, and playing this game through for the 3rd time now...and its so fucking cathartic in a way.

I related to Mae alot, given how i felt when i was 20. I dont have derealisation but i do get anxiety and depression. Its been notoriously bad recently.

And in a world entering the year 2024 on calander, with so much going on all the time, everywhere. I know i can go back to Possum Springs. And just try to emjoy life and get through another day.

Its not real, but i cant get out much. Adulting will do that to you. Capitalism has made it difficult regardless of age. And those trips with Gregg to the park and having a mini knife fight. Or going to the mall with Bea and shoplifting because "cool kids stickin it to the man" or finding out why Angus doesnt talk with his family much these days.

It brings me back to a time when things did seem uncertain. When i was scared and anxious. But when i also had this bravado to see another day and put 1 foot infront of the other. Because Life.

Those days are so difficult now. You go to work and then feel like super heated glass being doused in water. And you cant stay at work. You cant. Youre akin to a mannequin at that point. You have to go home because youll end up hurting yourself somehow, intentionally or otherwise.

And this great sadness overtakes you and its joined with mania and you just...dont know how youll get through the day. Or if you even want to wake up the next day.

~~~~~~~~~

I've been listening to the NitW OST for the past.... 2-3 days now. And all the tunes are so...simple in their construction and melodies. But they hold this special place in my heart. Maes House especially. It reminds me that my house and family are not like Maes. And i wish they were. Atleast in how the game portrays them presently. I cant even go upstairs to get food unless i cover up now or dress in modest fashion because transition had made people uncomfortable around me expressibg my body in ways i nevwr could before. Not in sexual fashion but showing a bit more skin and wearing tighter clothes and such. And its an insidious uncomfortable they demonstrate. They dobt say it vocally most times to try and be respectful i guess. But i can feel those thoughts burring into me and the....velcro fuzzy distortion that builds between us.

I cant be myself and they don't want me to, because it makes them uncomfortable.

So ive been going back to Possum Springs. And talking with Gregg and reading his enthusiasm helps alot. "I have a friend whos super supportive and would punch someone out for me"

"But hes not real"

I need him to be. Ok? I need Gregg to be real. I need Possum Springs to be real. I need that feeling to be real for me again. A world where im not so...beaten by life and wanting to hope for a better day bit having to fight tooth and nail for every good day i have. Where i dont have to worry about the financial burden of debts, or the worry that this procedure will set me back an additional 20k.

I just want to feel that youthful joy and energy again.

[seiwas]

sellllllll it's meeeeee. hehehehehehehehehhehe

so for ur writing exercises.... deku + light? please? pretty please?

:3c

heheh heheh hehe niku. this will be the death of me. me writing izuku for the first time 🥲 i will only do this for you </3

contains: established relationship, spoilers for the end of the manga, aged up deku but sometime in between the final outcome (he doesn't get the h*** s*** from bakugo yet), mentions of sex and scars

deku + light

izuku only sleeps with the lights off.

it isn't uncommon; many people you know can't sleep with even just a sliver of light turned on somewhere in the room. but the difference with izuku, you learn, is not that he's unable to stand the light―it's that he refuses to.

you quickly pick up on it the first few times he sleeps over.

he fidgets in bed, pretty badly, actually. the nightlight you sleep with glows a warm yellow, illuminating the side of your face and coating him in its afterglow. you chalk it up to nerves, how he pulls at his sleeves and adjusts his position constantly; he is, after all, one of the most anxious people you know.

and this relationship―it's new. heck, even you feel a little jittery with his arm wrapped around you.

the rhythmic tapping on your hip only increases pace. you don't think he realizes it, so your hand gently reaches for his, intertwining your fingers as you turn around in his arms.

he's close, nearly touching you nose-to-nose; the proximity leaves you fuzzy, a little ticklish, so you giggle, a soft "oops," as the freckles dusting his face almost glisten under the warm light.

"hi," you whisper, meeting his eyes; they stare back at you wide in surprise, "can't sleep?"

he looks almost guilty at your question, as if you’ve caught him with the one thing he's been trying to keep from you.

"just—" his voice comes out louder than intended, prompting him to chuckle nervously as he readjusts his volume, "just winding down, sorry."

you inch closer, nuzzling his nose lightly, "it's okay."

"did i wake you?" he asks, cheeks flushing pink as his eyebrows furrow in immediate concern. his expression is something caught between stifling a grin and feeling sorry.

you shake your head against the pillow you share, strands of your hair tangling with his. "just winding down," you tease, watching as his gaze turns softer, eyelids drooping heavier.

sometimes, you think, izuku holds the world in his eyes―a deep, dark green, the color of life. most times, they look at you with wonderment, bright and alive; photos from inko tell you they're the eyes of his inner child.

on nights like this one, however, they hide a depth in them weighted by what you can only assume is time, and all that has happened to him in such a short span of it.

you try your best to understand what lies beneath them, knowing full well he'll never tell you outright what truly bothers him.

"is it the light?" you bring up, some time after laying in silence.

"hm?" he clarifies.

"do you have a hard time sleeping with the nightlight?"

his eyes widen briefly once more, as if shocked that you've caught him again. these split second reactions are ones you've learned to be attentive to when it comes to izuku.

"no," he tries to lie, but you know better as you turn to your nightstand and reach for its switch, "you don't–"

"it was hurting my eyes," you quickly make up an excuse, tucking yourself closer under his chin as you cut off his attempt to deny it again.

finding out that the light was the problem was the easy part—

you'd begun to notice much earlier on that izuku was barely rested on the nights he'd spend at your place. it was only when your old nightlight broke that you began to notice him waking up much later than you did, groggily rousing from a deep sleep.

—what was hard, was figuring out why.

at first, you suspected it was his scars.

"s-sorry, it's not—" he'd warned you, right as your hands gripped the hem of his shirt the first time you were about to have sex, "—it's not nice."

you didn't care though; you still don't care, and you've made that abundantly clear to him since. you love izuku and all his parts―all the nicks and jaggedy pieces of skin that make up who he is.

when you eventually ask him about it, with a request that he be honest with you for once, he tells you that it is and it isn't―the reason why he exclusively sleeps with the lights off, that is.

it's an odd, comforting relationship he has with his body—that he is simultaneously grateful and sorry for how its become a canvas, both painted and marred to symbolize japan’s historic last stand.

you find out the real reason when you catch him staring at his hands.

he does it often, when he thinks you aren't looking—his fists bunched up in the same way he used to watch the power of one for all course through his fingertips; the same way he used to prepare them in battle.

there’s a faraway look in his eyes that lingers, you notice—a little wistful if anything.

“do you miss it?” you finally ask. he gives you the same shocked look he does every time, as if he’s been caught with a secret he’s been trying to hide.

he’s learned a fair bit about you now, too, though—lying to you is futile when you’ve perfected reading his truth. he stares at his fists again as you take a seat beside him, moving to give you space. you rest your head on his shoulder gently, waiting.

“sometimes,” he admits, but you know it’s an understatement.

“i think about the vestiges a lot. i miss them the most, i think,” he continues, clenching his fists tightly, “i always try to reach out to them, but i guess it doesn’t work that way.”

“i… i try to replicate the right conditions every night, but…” then he lets go, stretching his fingers out wide. the scars on the surface ripple through his skin, telling its own story.

you hum, acknowledging what he means. silence sits with the two of you as you take his hand in yours, slowly unfurling his fingers until his palm reveals itself to you. it’s rough to the touch, seasoned with hard work and all that he’s been through.

“is that why you prefer the dark?” you ask softly, after some time.

it's not often that you stay up later than izuku does. when you do though, you catch him shifting in bed, moving from side-to-side. you pretend you aren't awake, but you hear him mumble their names, dwindling in volume as he dozes off to sleep.

he stares at his palm for a moment before he admits quietly, "yeah." his brows furrow as if contemplating whether to say more, but he shakes his head, dark green strands swaying to the beat of his embarrassed chuckle, "nevermind, it's silly."

"it's not."

you intertwine your fingers, sandwiching his hand between yours. a slight sheen glosses over his eyes as he tilts his head up to look at you. he draws in a breath, before it spills over.

"it's..." he finds the words, and you squeeze his hand in comfort, "it's easier to believe it was all real when the lights are out, and that maybe it can happen again."

[recreationaldivorce]

i think people would stop finding it so shocking when a trans man is misogynistic if they just saw them as men instead of women lol. men are misogynistic sometimes they just do that

[morninkim]

that one movie sinbad did about the genie

[prettyboysdontlookatexplosions]

ok i have to show you the dress the g*yl*rs are saying is taylor objectively and undeniably bi-flagging but honestly not really for g*yl*r reasons just because it is quite possibly the ugliest fucking dress taylor swift has ever worn and that is saying a LOT

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

Pixie my pink espeon OC from when i was 11

[feline-evil]

Master Miller time

[tiredtief]

bro not to be an SJW on main but that 'cissexual she/theys' tweet has really got some of you showing your entire asses when faced with the slightest pushback/criticism of something, why are you so pressed about making this community palatable to cishets instead of listening to your fellow queers when they ask you to reevaluate your language usage for five fucking seconds

[inkedinserendipity]

this is a rendog singing appreciation post

because he is really good. he goes off! i mean, the vibes of that whole scene were impeccable - the creaking forest, the crackling of the campfire, the calm of night - but ren's voice goes so hard. vibes, and also technically speaking!

ren's got this gorgeous vibrato on low notes (you can hear it most times he holds a note at the end of a measure for more than a second) that is so warm and so inviting. scratchy, and deep, and always held for just the right amount of time. and he only does it on some long notes, not all of 'em - which is hard to do! holding notes at a constant pitch is harder than hitting vibrato on everything, and he has a beautiful blend of both that he makes seem effortless. (and he holds vibrato on hard sounds too! he hits it on the first "rising sun" which is on an n, which is imo hard to pull off well)

he also has the whole song down pat! there's a brief point (two notes, maybe three?) where he diverges from the melody, but he's still picked notes in the key of the song, which implies he could probably harmonize with the song too. and that is also very hard to pull off!

and just the whole - he has such a unique voice. it's emotive and warm and encompassing. technicals aside, it's a uniquely moving voice and it fits rising sun particularly well.

not to mention he's freaking playing guitar! which means at least part of his brain is focused on notes over the technicalities of singing, which means that all of his skill is instinctive! like he's probably not focusing on vibrato!

like when jimmy said "that's very good!" jimmy was correct! i was shocked when i heard ren singing. like that is Not what i was expecting from my minecraft youtuber!

anyway this is a pitch for ren. PLEASE sing more. please. a cover of the song maybe? for me??

[redo-rewind-if]

Time for my end of week check-in! Hope y'all had a good one! 😊🥰

Next Update (Chapter 3 & 4? Maybe?):

Intro Scene (if not on music fest route): 100%

Music Fest Routes (Solo, V, and Amara): 100%

Club Pyre Path: 90%

August Part 2 Electric Boogaloo: 0% (not started)

Avoid Death (Eventually?): 0% (not started)

Work Time! (End of Chapter): 0% (short outline, not started)

Ahhh, the club path is so close to being done. I feel like I say that every week, but this time it really is!! Just need to finish one path and add a few variant scenes and it'll be done! Then it's editing time.

Let's just hope I don't get carried away editing and adding new stuff lol.

[skunkes]

abt to say smthng deranged

but ive reverted to accepting my fate here especially since im really really lazy and stupid and just want to draw but the only sharp thing still poking at my sides is wanting to transition and how I know as soon as my birthday rolls around I'll wish I had done anything to get out and start that, while sobbing hysterically over how the years just keep passing me by in that regard. 14 years. 15 years. And many many more.

But at the same time its like. I wouldnt want to claw my way out solely to transition (which at this point would be the sole positive thing about leaving). Because whats the point. I want to be transitioned before I really look for or accept love, yes, but moving out and doing so wouldn't lead to that I dont think. Id be living the same life im living here, but Worse and more exhausting. So i also dont see the worth in fighting to do it.

I feel those 2 views are at odds, but, like, its never enough to do things just for myself even if I really need it. It always has to be in relation to someone else. There would not be a someone else so why bother. Im not finding love while I live here so it doesn't Really matter if i cant do it, but this wouldnt change if i left so why would I fight for it. Why be the true version of me if I have nobody to share Me with (especially considering it will ostracize me from most everyone else I love.) I dont know

[abaharashi]

Taking hrt later in life is wild. I feel like a teen again. But this time ibhave more problems to worry about and more thingw tonpay attention to. Life saving. But not exactly the funnest of times.

[imagoddamnonionmason]

to Jodie: do you prefer to be called Jodie, or bell??

I'm writing this as though it's just after the events of Cold War so late '81/early '82.

Bell simply watches you, carefully, owlishly blinking as she takes in the question that has been asked; it doesn't settle on her right, leaves a strange ashy feeling in her chest, as though she'd been amongst a blaze and breathed in hot smoke. A sense of anxiety wraps itself around her, tightly, before easing off a little.

Her voice is level, as her eyes shift to the pen she is twirling over her right thumb. It's a methodical, soothing movement, but takes precise thinking to keep the item balanced.

"I don't know," she replied, "Bell is all I have at the moment."

A beat.

"Jodie is... a nice name to have," she murmurs a little bit, a hint of yearning in her delicate tones, "maybe one day I'll get used to it."

[anonymousboxcar]

Ever since hearing about/watching the 2021 Awdry Christmas lecture, I’ve been thinking about how Awdry’s notes refer to Duke as both a “he” and “she.”

In my headcanon/AU, I imagine Duke hearing that typo. Maybe it’s in a monograph that’s going around. Maybe it’s still a YouTube video in that universe, streamed on a laptop for the SKR’s engines. Regardless of how, Duke blinks at being called a “she.”

The others ask if it bothers him. He tells the truth: no, it doesn’t. There’s no harm behind it. “It was simply an accident,” he says. Yet he feels a pang in his cylinders.

Soon, he realizes that he didn’t want it to be an accident.

All his life, Duke assumed that he was only a “he.” His builders and managers told him so. He did feel like a “he” a lot of the time, and he didn’t have the space or energy to probe any deeper on the MSR.

But he’s on the SR now. He knows nobody’ll kick up a fuss, trusts everyone here. So he asks them all to call him a “she” some days — on days when “he” doesn’t settle quite right.

And it feels wonderful. It’s the same joy she felt when Stuart and Falcon called her Granpuff for the first time. “I’m not one for sentimentalities,” she says one evening, “but I truly feel… fuller, in a sense.”

Later, Rheneas and Rusty suggest the idea of different lamp irons for Duke. On days when Duke’s a “he,” he can wear a lamp with a copper handle. On days when Duke’s a “she,” she can wear a lamp with a brass handle. Duke loves this, taking it up once the works have the lamps ready. It’s quick and efficient communication.

“For once, ye’re plain-speakin’,” Duncan says once he sees the lamps. But he’s smiling. Duke smiles back, chuckling at Rusty’s eye-roll.

The only real bit of angst Duke feels over this whole thing is her name. She wants to keep it because she’s very proud of it, but she worries that His Grace wouldn’t think it proper anymore. “I couldn’t bear it if he asked me to be ‘Duchess’ on those days,” he admits.

“He won’t do that,” Skarloey tells him. “And even if he asks, you don’t have to give him anything. This isn’t a train to pull, after all. It’s something entirely yours.”

“We’re with you, Granpuff,” Peter Sam says, soft and gentle.

Sir Handel sits up tall. “He’ll have to get through us.”

In the end, Sir Robert expresses happiness on Duke’s behalf. “A title is supposed to empower you. If you feel strengthened by it, emboldened by it, then I’d say it’s the right fit!”

Duke is grateful. (So are Sir Handel and Peter Sam, who shelve their plans of vengeance on Sir Robert for saying anything different.) And life goes on even brighter and richer than before.

[coochiequeens]

For a group that shouts how much they hate cops, men in dresses have no hesitancy to call the cops on women who hurt their gender feelz

By Jennifer Sieland March 9, 2024

British broadcaster India Willoughby is claiming that Northumbria Police have logged a “Non Crime Hate Incident” against Harry Potter creator JK Rowling after he reported the beloved author for “misgendering” him.

While Willoughby has long expressed his contempt of Rowling, having made hundreds of tweets about her gender critical statements over the years, the tension came to a head this week after Rowling stated that Willoughby did not “become a woman.”

On March 3, Rowling made a post in support of women’s single-sex spaces, which trans activists quickly clamored under to interrogate.

“Why should trans women be forced to use male spaces? Don’t you understand just how humiliating for us that would be? Or don’t you care?” one user questioned, to which Rowling replied: “Somebody really should have explained to you that your hurt feelings don’t trump other people’s rights, nor are women and girls validation props or comfort blankets.”

Another user, by the name of Socialist Stanley, then confronted Rowling with a gif of British broadcaster and trans activist India Willoughby, writing: “Hi Joanne, so you are saying this lady should use the men’s locker room then?!”

Rowling responded: “India didn’t become a woman. India is cosplaying a misogynistic male fantasy of what a woman is.”

Willoughby, born Jonathan, began claiming to be a woman in 2015 at the age of 50, officially becoming the UK’s first transgender newsreader. He has previously incited criticism for boasting of getting a “designer vagina,” which he said he chose from a catalogue like “going for a haircut.”

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By Natasha Biase March 8, 2024

An off-duty bartender has been convicted of a “hate” motivated crime after shoving and misgendering a trans-identified male in the washroom of a bar. On March 6, Cassandra McIntyre was found guilty of second-degree bias crime and harassment charges stemming from a 2022 confrontation with a man who identifies as a “woman.”

According to journalist Andy Ngo, McIntyre had just finished her shift at Jake’s Place, a sports bar in Portland, when she encountered far-left activist Riis Larsen, formerly Ronald A. Larsen, in the women’s washroom. Clearly startled, McIntyre told Larsen to “get out” of the intimate space.

Surveillance footage shows McIntyre lightly pushing Larsen, who identifies as a “queer demi-binary trans woman,” after he shoved another person to cut in line for the washroom. 

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[alexiethymia]

I love how the line in the opening, “If you wanna cry, use my heart” is implied to be in Meryl’s pov.