#tired of my fucking brain not leaving me alone

[neege]

i need more!!!!! wolstar + Sirius almost dies <3

And more you shall have!! This was so challenging for me because I usually find it a lot easier to write humor, but I hope I did this justice!!! ❤️

"Remus."

God there's so much blood. How can someone losing this much blood still be alive?

"Remus, baby."

There's so much blood!

And it's not stopping. He's throwing every single healing spell he can at it, but he didn't see the spell when it was cast, and all he has on him is his wand. He doesn't even see anything nearby that can stop the bleeding. His shirt is already soaked in it.

God, he's bleeding everywhere.

"Moony..."

"I know, I know, I'm sorry I'm trying everything I can, I know it must hurt-"

"Moony, my love..."

Remus feels shaking fingers skim his cheek. The coolness against his face lets him know that there's now blood—Sirius's blood—smeared where his fingers have touched.

"I'm trying! I'm trying just hang on-"

"Baby, look at me..."

Remus doesn't.

He focuses instead at the gaping wounds carved into Sirius's skin. He's helplessly moving his wand over the body below him, racking his useless fucking brain for anything, anything that will help. That will save-

"Remus, please look at me."

It's the please that finally rips Remus's gaze away from the injuries he's desperately trying to heal.

Sirius is breathing in ragged, painful wheezes, but his eyes are clear. He looks into deep grey eyes, dark like storm clouds, and feels his own well up immediately.

"Have I-" Sirius's voice is weak, "Have I ever told you..."

It looks like it's taking every last bit of his energy to get words out, but he's smiling slightly. Something sad and tired and resigned.

Remus can feel the grip on his fingers get tighter.

"You know, you look so- so sexy when you're freaking out."

Remus let's out a startled laugh that dissolves into a gasping sob.

He collapses onto Sirius, gripping his shoulders, his hair, any part of him he can reach as if he'll be able to keep all the life in him from bleeding out under his hands.

"Sirius, I'm so-" He lets out a broken sound, and it's loud in the empty room. "I'm so sorry, I'm sorry I'm sorry-"

"My love-"

"I'm so sorry, I can't fix it, I'm so sorry-"

He cries and cries, all the while Sirius is murmuring any and every word of affection he's ever said to Remus; like he needs to get them all out now. Like he'll never have another chance.

Baby-

My love-

Moony, darling-

I love you-

"I love you, I'm sorry, I love you-"

Remus feels Sirius go slack in his arms moments before he's ripped away from him—kicking and screaming and probably doing more damage than anything else.

He sobs into James's shoulder first, still standing in the safe house they were ambushed in just an hour before. He's covered in blood and can feel the rage in James's voice as he screams at Moody to leave them alone for fucks sake!

Then he cries again, this time with Lily. They're sitting in the waiting room at St. Mungos.

He cries now, gripping Sirius's hand while he lays motionless in a hospital bed. He's been waiting here for days, and every time he thinks he's done crying, the image of Sirius bleeding out beneath his fingers flashes behind his eyes.

The only sounds to be heard are from the healers in the hallway outside, and the small brokenhearted noises Remus is letting out as he cries.

"Has anyone ever told you that you're sexy when you're in distress?"

A croaky voice speaks, and Remus whips his head up to stare at the exhausted smile on his boyfriend's face.

"Sirius!" He's climbing onto the bed before he can even think about whether or not it might hurt the other man, "Sirius, oh my god! You were dead Sirius-"

"Well, you can't get rid of me that easy-"

"Oh my god, you were dead and I didn't know what to do, I couldn't fix it, I'm sorry-"

Sirius shushes him gently at that.

There are tears streaming down his face, and Sirius reaches shaky fingers up to wipe them away. They're both quiet for a beat.

"Is it an inappropriate time to mention that you crying gets me all hot under the collar?"

Remus laughs, smiling so big it hurts his cheeks, and leans down to pepper kisses across Sirius's face.

His forehead first. Then his nose. His jaw. His cheeks. His eyelids. His brow.

His lips.

In a moment he'll call in the healers. They'll want to look him over and check his wounds. He'll need to notify James, Lily, and Peter—they'd all gone home for a change and a shower—and the Order will need to be called as well.

Remus doesn't move to do any of that.

For just a little while longer he'd like to feel Sirius underneath his lips—so beautiful and brave, and so very alive.

[nolonger-ams]

Adhds all fun and games until its late at night and you can't sleep bc your brain won't shut up, and you have stuff to do tomorrow so you need sleep but you can't sleep, and now you've noticed so you know you'll really struggle to sleep

[phagodyke]

the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍

[blustainedfingertips]

im so fuckin sick rn billy joel please stop plaguing my thoughts i've got enough going on what with the plague (the cold my roommate says she definitely didn't give me that she definitely gave me but no hard feelings) and the literal wars i am fighting in school right i don't need the piano man in my skull please

[jupiter--dream]

(cw vent, sorry it's just been A Couple Of Days)

Not really having many irl friends comes at the price of feeling so terribly lonely, I feel like I have no one to talk to because I'm not close to enough people, or maybe I am and I just haven't talked to them in a while and I don't want this to be our first conversation qwq

I'm honestly just. Tired, tbh qwq

[eastofedean]

As someone who has been struggling with loneliness and being on their own, I do sometimes wonder if there is something fundamentally wrong with me. Because no matter where I go, I always feel like I have to pretend to a certain degree, that I'm trying to play a role. It's so alienating. Like, I do think I manage to get along with most people, but they don't see me/care to do so, and it's...frustrating. I never really had friends when I was a kid or teenager. I don't have any now and it's so fucking hard not to feel this loneliness. Knowing that you are living one of your biggest fears and all that bullshit. And I wonder... maybe it's always been me.

[mars-ipan]

oh my fucking god i hateeeee being dissociated so bad. i haven’t been this heavily Not Present since i got sick and that was mostly blood loss. put me back in my body NOW

[caloboletus-rubripes]

hey how do you forgive yourself for doing something something you feel is irrevocably embarrassing even though you know you can do anything you want forever

like how do you unlearn that shame

[deepdepressingtruth]

People only come around to drain any emotional and financial resources I have… until I’m empty… then I’m nothing to them… and I’m so tired of it

[oscargender]

to knowis to be loved and to be known is to b eloved. I want transgender friends who will know me and love me in a way that cis people usually do not

[random-blog-of-a-nobody]

I’m tired of the meds, I know they help, but I don’t fucking care anymore. Let me be feral, let me be rabid, let me be a fucking monster…it’s how they see me anyway. Maybe at least then, they would all leave me alone…

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[malikson]

.

[terryfuckingturniptruck]

Okay someone is going to be offended but whatever like fine if you find yourself as a lesbian thinking someone is hot and find out later they're a man and not a butch but like the way y'all are openly just pushing the idea that lesbians like men sometimes as if that's totally fine and that the man you thought was a butch is still okay to fuck knowing they're a man.

[makaelachanese]

All I can do is lay down and close my eyes and beg God not to wake me up.. lord knows I hate it here.

[eastofedean]

8i've been thinking about the last asks i got today. and i think it's better for me to take a step back from this account. i know the anon didn't mean anything by it, but i still feel like i am being a negative presence on here and weirding people out with who i am is nothing i want. so, i am not deleting or anything. i am just gonna be less present with sharing personal things or leaving tags. I'll probably be more active on my second account where i don't have that many followers :)