#and when i say i wish i spent more time with my friend irl. i mean it in a distant sort of way. like thats how im supposed to feel. like i

[malachitezmeyka]

It's that "spend hours sobbing my eyes out in bed for several reasons, including but not limited to the fact tomorrow is Monday, the fact my social battery has been completely drained and won't recover anytime soon, the fact my landlady is due to show up tomorrow evening and will likely piss me off again, the fact I've had the urge to write since Friday and ended up not writing even a single fucking word, the fact exam pressure keeps rising and I still don't know what to do with my life after I'm done with school, and the fact I'm both completely overwhelmed and so terribly lonely at the same time" kind of Sunday evenings

[pizzapizzadickz]

I've been popping pills like they're candy lately. (Also known as I've been in pain a lot and my allergies are horrible bc of all the mold in my room).

[greengoblinswifey]

Shattered— Nicholas Chavez x Actress!Reader

summary— you’re an actress on the brink of fame and you fall for your co-star Nicholas Chavez. discovering his secret coupled with your unexpected pregnancy changes your entire dynamic.

warnings— cheating, mentions of infertility, mature language, grief and loss, mentions of pregnancy, mentions of unprotected sex, abortion, manipulation.

a/n— kinda long but i’m a slut for angst, also this is all just my imagination and fantasy, it’s not based on nicholas irl <3

Alternative Ending

From the very first time you got an acting role, your manager told you, never engage in relations with your co stars. Looking down at the two positive pregnancy tests on the counter, you wished you had taken heed to her wise words.

You and Nicholas had been thrown into the spotlight together, both relatively new to the fame game. As co-stars, you’d developed a chemistry that felt electric, especially during your lovey-dovey scenes on camera.

As the filming progressed, those on-screen moments started to seep into your off-screen life. You’d find yourselves stealing kisses between takes, getting lost in long conversations about everything from your childhood dreams to your favorite late-night snacks. It was easy to forget that this was just work. You felt like you knew each other inside out.

One evening, after a particularly long day, you were in your trailer, and the laughter just flowed. “I really like this,” Nicholas said, leaning closer, his eyes locked onto yours. “It feels special, you know?”

You nodded, heart racing. “Yeah, it does. I’m just scared of what happens after this season wraps. Will we still have this?”

Nick brushed a thumb across your cheek, his gaze intense. “I’m not going anywhere. I promise I’ll always be here.”

You couldn’t help it; you leaned in and kissed him, the connection between you two crackling like electricity. Everything felt perfect in that moment, but in the back of your mind, you couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off.

What were you missing? Why did he keep his life back home so close to his chest?

As your days turned into nights filled with mind blowing sex, you tried to enjoy every second, but the nagging doubt wouldn’t disappear. You were falling for him, and you wondered if he felt the same way, or if this was just a fun distraction for him.

As filming continued, he made sure to keep the relationship casual, reassuring you that it was all good between you two. “You know I care about you, right?” he’d say between takes, pulling you close, his lips pressing against your forehead, “But a public relationship? It might restrict me from getting certain roles.” You nodded, wanting to be supportive. After all, you understood the pressure of the industry. But deep down, a nagging thought lingered, was there more to it than that?

Still, you brushed off your doubts. You were wrapped up in the excitement of your new life, enjoying every moment of intimacy with Nicholas, nights spent tangled in sheets, whispering sweet nothings, and experiencing a side of Hollywood that felt like a dream. There were moments when he’d use condoms, and others when he’d pull out, but you never worried about getting pregnant. You knew you were infertile, and that fact brought you a strange sense of comfort.

During one of your casual conversations, you mentioned your part-time passion for photography. Nick lit up at the idea, and you quickly arranged for him to meet a photographer friend of yours who worked for magazines. “I’ll be sure to use them,” he said, his tone light. You didn’t think much of it, just a favor for a friend.

Then came the twist, Nick’s character was off the show for a few episodes. He returned to his hometown, and suddenly, the set felt empty without him. You missed him deeply, especially because you’d been feeling under the weather lately. The sickness hung over you, but you knew he needed a break so you didn’t bother him in staying.

As the days went by, his texts became infrequent. You found yourself wondering if something was wrong. Maybe he was just busy? Maybe he was having fun back home? And then, you noticed your period was late. You weren’t scared per se, you remembered the infertility diagnosis, but something felt off.

In a moment of playful distraction, you called your sister. “I’m late,” you joked, half-laughing. “Maybe I should take a pregnancy test?” She encouraged you, laughter spilling over the phone, making it feel lighthearted.

You picked up two tests from the store, ensuring they weren’t expired. When you took the tests, you expected nothing. But to your shock, both tests came back positive.

The laughter faded, replaced by disbelief. You dropped the phone, feeling a wave of panic crash over you. Pregnant? How could this happen? You were still so new in your career, and Nicholas. How would you even tell him? Would he be happy? He had dreams to chase, and now there was a little life to consider.

Your mind raced with possibilities and worries. You knew you needed to talk to Nicholas but the fear of how he’d react was large. You’d built something beautiful, but this was a twist neither of you had planned.

The days dragged on as you tried to process everything. You took a few days to cool off, completely unsure how to proceed. The set was chaotic, your mind was racing while you were trying to act normal. Multiple takes of one scene felt like torture, especially when you had to run off to throw up in between. The directors were patient, but you could sense their frustration growing. You felt guilty, this pregnancy wasn’t their fault, and yet you were struggling to keep it together.

Just two days before Nicholas was set to return, the chaos hit a new level. You received a message from the photographer you had linked Nicholas with. “Check out how cute your co-star looks with his girlfriend!” it read, accompanied by a series of images. You froze as you opened the photos. There he was, Nicholas, beaming in a pregnancy announcement photoshoot with a woman. A woman who was his girlfriend.

Shock coursed through you as confusion and anger collided. Your heart sank, it felt like a punch to the gut. You hadn’t taken any photos with Nicholas, and now you realized why he had been so secretive about his life outside of filming. He was expecting a baby with her. You wanted to scream, shout, break things, or blow up his phone. But instead, you just sat there, staring blankly at the screen, tears streaming down your face.

You ran to the trailer bathroom, clutching your stomach as nausea washed over you. You felt it to your core, the reality of your situation was devastating. He had been playing you both, living a lie, and now here you were, grappling with the knowledge that your pregnancy was based on deception.

Days passed like a blur. You did your best to get through filming, but every time you returned to your trailer, the reality of the life growing inside you became unbearable. You would throw up and clutch your stomach, feeling the weight of what was supposed to be a beautiful moment turned sour by lies.

Finally, the day arrived when Nicholas returned to set. He burst into your trailer, the energy in the room instantly shifting. “I missed you!” he exclaimed, wrapping his arms around you and planting a gentle kiss on your forehead. But you just sat there, staring blankly at him, the pregnancy tests in hand, proof of the life you were now burdened with.

He pulled back, looking at you with concern. “What’s wrong?”

The words caught in your throat. You were ready to confront him, ready to expose the web of lies. But all you could manage was a shaky breath, your heart racing in your chest as you prepared for the storm ahead.

With shaky hands, you thrust the pregnancy tests into Nicholas’s face, your heart pounding. “Here.”

He looked at the tests, confusion swirling in his eyes. “W-what? What the fuck is this. Is this… are you pregnant?” The realization hit him hard, and you could see the panic creeping in.

“Yeah, I am!” you shot back, your voice rising.

“Fucking hell!” he shouted, “my- my fucking career is just taking off, I’m filming a show, this- this wasn’t supposed to get this far.”

“Are you hearing yourself?” You couldn’t believe the things he was saying. “My career is just taking off, I’m filming a show too Nicholas.”

His expression shifted, the initial panic giving way to something more defensive. “I can’t handle this right now! My career is just starting, and I didn’t want to be tied down like this.”

Anger bubbled up inside you, boiling over like a volcano. You could sense the manipulation in his tone, the way he was shifting the blame onto you. “It’s always about you, isn’t it?” you yelled, pushing him away. “You’re just thinking about yourself!”

He reached for you, attempting to pull you back into his embrace, whispering, “It’s going to be okay. We’ll figure this out.” But you shoved him off, your emotions raw and unfiltered.

“Figure this out?” you screamed, your voice echoing in the small trailer. “How can you say that when you’re two-timing? Look at these!” You threw your phone at him, the pregnancy announcement photos landing in his lap. His face twisted with fury.

“Are you serious right now?” he shouted, his anger igniting. “I made a mistake with one of them! It wasn’t supposed to go this far! We’re filming a show together; I can’t just drop everything!”

You stared at him in disbelief. “You’re not the Nicholas I thought I knew. How can you act like this? You’re a fucking two-faced liar, sleeping with two girls and getting both of us pregnant!”

He raked a hand through his hair, his expression a mix of frustration and despair. “I can’t do this. Not now. You need to- you need to get an abortion.”

The words hung heavy in the air, crashing down around you. You looked at him, heart sinking, disbelief coursing through you. “Are you serious? You want me to end this?”

Nicholas looked away, the weight of his own choices crashing down on him. But it was too late, the damage had been done.

Nicholas’s voice was cold and detached. “Yes, I want you to get an abortion. I’ll give you money for it. You need to have it gone by tonight.”

You felt your heart shatter all over again. “How can you refer to our baby as ‘it’?” The bitterness in your voice was undeniable.

He shrugged, pacing the small trailer. “I don’t know what an abortion can do to your body, but you’ll need time to rest. What are you going to tell production?”

You shook your head in disbelief. “I don’t know either! But how can you be so heartless?”

“Listen I can’t deal with this, I have a girlfriend and a baby on the way,” he muttered, lowly.

You couldn't take it anymore. “No! I am your girlfriend! WE have a baby on the way, or at least I thought I was your girlfriend!”

Nicholas stopped pacing, his expression a mixture of guilt and confusion. He ran a hand over his face, clearly overwhelmed.

“This isn’t how it was supposed to be,” he muttered, unsure of what to say next.

Then, as if the weight of the world was pressing down on him, he turned and left the trailer without another word, leaving you alone in the silence.

You hugged yourself tightly, tears streaming down your cheeks. The reality of your situation crashed down on you. You felt utterly lost, your heart aching for the life you once envisioned, now shattered.

That night, you lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling, your mind spiraling as you weighed your options. If you kept the baby, everything would change. Your career, just beginning to gain traction, would be stalled indefinitely. You’d be a single mother, left alone to care for a child Nicholas had already written off. And as a man, he’d be fine. Even with two babies on the way, he wouldn’t be the one carrying or caring for them.

On the other hand, if you didn’t keep it, you weren’t even sure if you’d get another chance. The thought tore at you, but you knew what the world would say. They’d call you a homewrecker, maybe even try to destroy your reputation, and all without knowing the truth. It would be you, bearing the weight of his lies.

Finally, with a heavy heart, you booked the appointment for the next morning. You went alone, tears streaming down your face as you went through it, feeling each moment echo in the hollow of your chest. By the time filming started later that day, you were late, your spirit shattered.

Nicholas spotted you as soon as you walked onto set. He approached, his voice low, but his eyes sharp. “Is it done?”

You nodded, feeling a hollow ache that reached all the way down to your bones. You could barely look at him, but when you did, all you felt was disgust. He added, as if it was some minor detail, “Don’t even think of reaching out to my girlfriend.” You couldn’t believe how cold he’d become, as if you were nothing more than a piece of his past.

Then the call for your scene echoed across the set, and you took your place opposite him. It was a romantic moment, a kiss, meant to be tender and full of passion. But when his lips touched yours, it felt like everything was wrong. The kiss was forced, awkward, each movement filled with a desperation neither of you could hide.

When the director called, “Cut,” you pulled away and fled, barely making it to your trailer before the tears began to flow. Just hours ago, you were carrying his child. Now, all that remained was an empty ache and a broken heart. In some twisted way, you felt almost relieved that you no longer had a part of him inside you. And yet, the loss left you feeling like a shell of who you once were.

A few days after the procedure, you felt like you had nothing left of him. Nothing to show for the life you’d once carried, the part of him that had been yours alone. He had been such a huge part of your life just days before, and in mere hours, that illusion had shattered completely.

The filming continued, and soon the news of his pregnancy announcement with his girlfriend went public. You watched as the set was buzzing with congratulatory wishes for him. Everyone beamed at Nicholas, showering him with smiles and words of celebration. Meanwhile, you did your best to hold yourself together, concealing the sadness that now rested in the hollow of your heart.

When the season finally wrapped, the months that followed became a time of rebuilding. You put everything into healing, into rediscovering yourself. By the premiere night, you were the picture of poise and confidence, draped in a red dress that turned heads. When you stepped onto the red carpet, even Nicholas did a double take, momentarily caught off guard by your transformation.

After the red carpet, he approached, offering a hollow smile. “So, how are you feeling? I just need to know, it’s really done, right?” He hesitated, glancing around, and added, “I heard sometimes fetuses survive abortion…”

The audacity of his words made you sick. Anger sparked in you, and you hissed, barely holding back your rage. “Yes, Nicholas. Our baby is dead. Thanks to you.” You were barely a few weeks along so you wouldn’t have considered it a baby but you wanted to say anything to knock him down.

As the night continued, you managed to keep your composure, even when his pregnant girlfriend approached you with a sweet smile, chatting as if you hadn’t unknowingly been fucking her boyfriend raw. All the while, Nicholas hovered nearby, his eyes sharp, ensuring you didn’t let anything slip. You walked away feeling relief. He’d no longer have a hold on you.

The following months brought a fresh start. You threw yourself into work, your career skyrocketing as you landed a massive film role. Meanwhile, Nicholas seemed to fade from the spotlight, mostly at home with his girlfriend, waiting for their baby. Until, finally, karma came for him, an article revealed that the child he thought was his was actually someone else’s, belonging to a rockstar his girlfriend had left him for.

You couldn’t help the satisfaction that spread through you. He’d reaped exactly what he’d sown, and you hadn’t lifted a finger.

The Oscar nomination was the pinnacle of your success, and the night of the awards ceremony arrived. To your surprise, Nicholas showed up, desperate to find you. He cornered you at last, offering a string of apologies and congratulations, asking for another chance now that he was alone. But you saw through him, his desire was only to latch onto your newfound fame. You looked him in the eyes, remembering everything he’d put you through. He had destroyed you, once. But you had risen again, and he was nothing to you now.

Without a word, you turned and walked away, leaving him to watch as you went forward, leaving him in the past for good.

[m1ckeyb3rry]

── THE GLASS PRINCESS // THREE

Series Synopsis: You wake up in a strange room with no memories, broken glass at your bedside, and a prince named Zuko as your only chance at figuring out who you really are.

Chapter Synopsis: You have your first day at the Royal Fire Academy, where you meet the other girls, including Kaho.

Series Masterlist

Pairing: Zuko x Reader

Chapter Word Count: 5.1k

Content Warnings: complicated relationships (strangers to friends to lovers to enemies to strangers to lovers to enemies to lovers), amnesia, alternate universe, lots of secrets and lying and mystery

A/N: zuko in his letters (sage, wise, cool and collected) vs zuko irl (SOO fucking awkward)

To His Royal Highness The Prince Zuko,

I apologize for my earlier language. In truth, it feels strange for me to speak to you as if you were my friend. I think that it is because you are my benefactor, and a prince besides, so there is a need for formal and proper conduct. We have that kind of relationship, if you can see it from my perspective.

Your offer of help is greatly appreciated, though I am not quite sure what I have done to deserve it. I shall try to solve my troubles on my own, when I can, but if it should come to it, I will try to remember that I have the prince of the Fire Nation on my side. I wonder how many girls at the academy can claim that, indeed!

Anyways, my roommate is nice. Her name is Jia-Li, and she is self-reportedly average, but all told, we get along well enough. I wish I could say the same for the rest of my classmates — barring, naturally, Ty Lee — but I am afraid to report that we already do not get along. There is this one girl, Kaho, who has a specific grudge against me, despite my attempts at avoiding that outcome…but I should not bore you with the details. Suffice to say that not everyone is as kind as Jia-Li and Ty Lee and Mai and you have been. It is as Jia-Li said, though: two true friends are better than ten false ones. It does not upset me (though it might if I am challenged to an Agni Kai!)

Thank you for feeding Bian. She did seem pleased when she returned to the aviary at the academy. I also gave her a treat. By the way, the falconer said she was supposed to be yours. Is that true? If it is, then I do not think that I deserve such a creature, though of course I thank you for giving her to me anyways. She is very beautiful and possesses a gentle heart, which is a solace in the more trying times.

Ever Your Highness’s humble and obedient servant Sincerely, Ursa

P.S. I am sorry to say that I still do not recall anything about my past. I shall keep you updated if that changes.

You were up before Jia-Li, nervous energy thrumming through you in anticipation for the first day of classes. Ty Lee had stayed late into the night, and then you had spent the candle Jia-Li had lit for you writing to Prince Zuko, so you hadn’t had any time to read or prepare for lessons.

“Ugh,” Jia-Li groaned when you threw open the curtains, the rising sunlight filtering into the room, a beam landing directly on her face, which she promptly covered with a pillow. “What are you doing?”

“You’re a Firebender, aren’t you? Don’t you all rise with the sun anyways?” you said.

“I don’t know who told you that, but they were full of bullshit,” Jia-Li said. “I rise after I’ve had a full night’s rest, which I have not yet.”

“Breakfast is soon,” you said, pulling on your shoes. “You’ll miss it if you don’t get ready now, and then you’ll have to go to class on an empty stomach. I’m sure that doesn’t sound appealing.”

“On second thoughts, I miss not having a roommate,” Jia-Li said, though she did toss aside her pillow and roll out of the bed, thudding to the ground and shoving her feet in a pair of fluffy slippers. Her hair stuck up every which way, and there were bags under her half-lidded eyes as she trudged past you to her vanity table. “You can go ahead and meet Ty Lee in the dining hall now, if you want. I’ll come down later.”

“Do you think she’ll be there already?” you said.

“Yeah,” Jia-Li said. “That girl is the epitome of a morning person. She’s probably been anxiously waiting for you for a while now.”

“Then I shouldn’t keep her waiting any longer,” you said. “See you in class, Jia-Li.”

“See you, Ursa,” she said.

As Jia-Li had predicted, Ty Lee was waiting outside of the door to the dining hall, where all of the girls who boarded at the academy had their meals. She was playing with her fingers nervously, but when she saw you, she bloomed with joy, dancing over to stand beside you.

“Good morning! Are you ready for our first day?” she trilled.

“Not at all,” you said. “I didn’t have any time to read yesterday. I don’t know anything. If the teacher calls on me, I’ll be lost.”

“It’ll be fine,” Ty Lee said, putting a piece of bread on her plate and spreading something on its fluffy surface. “We’re new, so we’ll probably get away with sitting in the back and doing the bare minimum.”

“Let’s hope so,” you said, copying her, trusting her to know what was and wasn’t good to eat at the school. She flounced to the end of the table, and you followed her, sitting across from her so that you two could talk.

“Ty Lee!” a girl said. “Come sit with us!”

“No, sit with us!” another said.

“We asked first!” the first girl said.

“So? She obviously likes us more, we’re way hotter!” the second argued. They began to squabble as you gave Ty Lee a bewildered look.

“What is going on?” you said.

“Besides Kaho, almost everyone at the school liked me…” she said awkwardly. “I guess you could say I was popular! Everyone’s happy I’m back.”

“Looks like it,” you said, baffled at just how many people were trying to claim the spot at Ty Lee’s side. Thankfully, none of them tried to take your space, though you got your own share of dirty glares, which you could only cock your head at in confusion.

“Guys, go away. I’m trying to hang out with my friend from the palace, Ursa,” Ty Lee said.

“What was she there, a servant?” one of the girls said. You glanced down at your clothes, which were the same uniform as everyone else, and then you swallowed. Unlike the other girls, with their expensive hair ribbons and jewelry, you didn’t have anything to your name that marked you as a daughter of nobility — because you weren’t one. It was a safe assumption for the girl to make, and it was even one you’d made about yourself in the past, so why did it hurt your feelings that she had said such a thing?

“Hey!” Ty Lee said. “She’s a friend of the prince — I mean, the princess! Yeah, that’s right, she’s Azula’s friend!”

Immediately, the girls scrambled away from you, and the one who had called you a servant paled. Dropping to her knees before Ty Lee, she bowed her head.

“I am so, so sorry. I didn’t mean any disrespect to a friend of Princess Azula’s!” she said.

“Apologize to Ursa,” Ty Lee said, chipper again now that she had found some kind of justice for you.

“It’s fine, Ty Lee. I can see why she thought that, so I’m not upset,” you said. The girl took the opportunity to leap to her feet and race to the other side of the table, the others following suit at the reminder of the princess.

“Those girls are all jerks,” Ty Lee said once you were alone again. “I’m sorry she was talking about you like that.”

“It’s not something you should say sorry for,” you said. “You didn’t do it. Anyways, I was expecting it; Jia-Li told me that the girls aren’t that nice, so it’s not a surprise. The real question is why you claimed my association to be with the princess instead of the prince.”

“Oh, that’s an easy one to answer,” she said. “They all remember Azula from when she attended, so she’s a more concrete threat in their minds. Only a few of them have met Zuko, and he’s been banished for a while, so his name doesn’t carry as much weight. Besides, if you’re associated with one member of the royal family, you’re associated with all of them, so I wasn’t technically wrong.”

“Alright,” you said, forcing yourself to chew on your food, even though it felt heavy and leaden in your mouth. It wasn’t a question of taste; somewhere, in the back of your mind, you could tell that you would ordinarily like eating this. It was your nerves which were ruining the experience, which made your tongue stiff and your jaw tight. You knew, though, that you needed food in order to have energy for the day, so you made yourself eat it despite your misgivings, despite the mental labor that even the mere act of swallowing took.

The classroom was small, which made sense, considering there were only a few girls in your year. What didn’t make sense was that the two desks in the very front were left open, though you had an inkling that one specific person had something to do with it.

“Ty Lee. Ursa,” a girl said. Her hair was pin straight and dark, half of it tied up with a white-and-gold ribbon, the rest falling around her shoulders, her midnight eyes reflecting the torches hanging around the classroom. “We saved you two seats.”

“Kaho,” Ty Lee said through gritted teeth. “You shouldn’t have.”

“I know,” Kaho said. “You can say I did it out of the goodness of my own heart.”

“Like I said,” Ty Lee said. “You shouldn’t have.”

“Thank you,” you said softly, not wanting to get into an argument with the very girl Jia-Li had warned you about last night.

“See,” Kaho said. “At least one of you has proper manners. Though, to be honest, I would’ve expected the daughter of a nobleman to be raised better than the girl that the prince found in the trash.”

“She wasn’t found in the trash!” Ty Lee said.

“Wasn’t she?” Kaho said.

“You can let it be, Ty Lee. It’s fine,” you said. “Let’s just sit down before the Etiquette Mistress gets here.”

Your first class was on the proper etiquette to have in polite society. Considering the many subtleties of etiquette, this was something you were nervous for, as you had no idea how to behave in polite society, or what any of that meant in the first place. It seemed that the others expected as much, for there was a multitude of snickers as you sat in the very front and waited for the Etiquette Mistress to arrive.

“Wonderful, everyone is on time!” the Etiquette Mistress said as she walked in exactly at the second class had to start. She was a neatly dressed and perfectly put together woman, with not even an eyelash out of place. “Let’s begin promptly with a review from our last class. Who can tell me what the three pillars of etiquette are?” She scanned the room, but only one girl had her hand raised. “Kaho?”

“Respect, consideration, and punctuality,” Kaho said, smirking as she folded her hands in her lap. The Etiquette Mistress did not frown, but the corners of her mouth threatened to tug downwards, and before you could think about it, you were raising your own hand.

“Ursa?” the Etiquette Mistress said. “Do you have something else to add?”

“It’s a common misconception that punctuality is a pillar of etiquette. However, in truth, it is not a pillar unto itself but rather a natural development and extension of the pillars of respect and consideration,” you said, though you had no idea where the words were coming from, only that some long-dormant knowledge of yours was bubbling to the surface. “The third pillar is actually honesty, madam, though of course honesty does not imply brutality but tact, benevolence, and integrity.”

Everyone in the room was silent. You could feel Kaho’s eyes boring holes into your back, but you stared steadily ahead, waiting for the Etiquette Mistress to react.

She smiled slightly. “That is correct. I also appreciate that you addressed me with a title; it demonstrates an elegant sort of etiquette that a lady must be born with or else have studied in depth from a young age.”

“Thank you, madam,” you said. The Etiquette Mistress nodded before turning to the board so that she could continue to teach you a lesson on which utensils to use for which meal.

This, too, you excelled in. You were the only student who knew when to use each utensil, even during the trick questions that the Etiquette Mistress threw out to trip you up. With every subsequent test passed, you felt your approval in the eyes of the Etiquette Mistress rising, though it was rapidly falling amongst your classmates, especially Kaho, who must’ve once been the star of the class.

“I thought you said you didn’t have time to study!” Ty Lee hissed once the Etiquette Mistress had left and you all were given a five minute break before the History Mistress arrived.

“I didn’t,” you said.

“Huh? Then how’d you manage to answer her questions so perfectly?” she said.

“I’m not sure. I just knew it already, somehow,” you said.

“Looks like Prince Zuko has a keen eye,” Kaho said from behind you. “To find the diamond amongst the sludge.”

For some reason, even though she was calling you a diamond, it didn’t feel like much of a compliment. Ty Lee seemed to agree, her kind, open face closing into a dark scowl.

“Kaho, you should just shut up,” she said.

“Is that a challenge?” Kaho said.

“It could be, but don’t forget that I’m one of Azula’s most trusted comrades. Is that a fight you think you could win?” Ty Lee said. Kaho seemed furious, but she had no argument, not when Ty Lee was objectively correct.

“The History Mistress will be here soon,” Jia-Li interjected, trying to break the tension. “Let’s forget about all of this and move on.”

“Sozin’s beard, Jia-Li, nobody cares about history,” Kaho said, rolling her eyes. “Just sit in the back and keep quiet like usual.”

Jia-Li stuck her tongue out at Kaho when the other turned away, but you noticed she did not stand up for herself. Ty Lee was the only one who was brave enough to say anything, and even then, you wondered how much of it was false bravado and how much of it was genuine self-confidence.

“Good morning, class,” the History Mistress said.

“Good morning, History Mistress,” you all chorused in unison.

“Today, we will be learning about an event that occurred relatively recently, but will definitely be written down in the history books in the years to come: Prince Zuko’s defeat of Ba Sing Se,” she said.

Ba Sing Se — it was where the prince had found you. You knew that the city had, at some point, fallen to the Fire Nation, but you didn’t know what had happened or how it had happened. This was definitely a topic of some personal interest to you, and you could not help leaning forward in your seat a bit.

“I thought we might go over this, since we now have a personal connection to it in the class,” the History Mistress said. “Namely, Ursa, who was found by Prince Zuko during the invasion.”

The entire class turned to look at you as the History Mistress began to draw a diagram on the board. The weight of their gazes was a suffocating burden, but you did not afford them the privilege of seeing you crumple, for you knew that you had to, in some way, remain strong, lest they pounce upon your perceived weakness.

“During his hunt for the Avatar, Prince Zuko and his uncle, the former General Iroh, found themselves separated from their ship and amongst Earth Kingdom refugees fleeing to the capital city of Ba Sing Se.

“It seemed to be a damning sentence; after all, what place does Fire Nation royalty have in such a city? But our prince is wise and loyal. He and his uncle opened a tea shop in order to bide their time, blending in with the city and learning its secrets.

“Taking a risk, he wrote to his father, telling him he had found a way into Ba Sing Se. The Fire Lord Ozai, who has always had the utmost of faith in his son to do what must be done, sent him the Soldiers of Agni in aid, promising a larger army if the Soldiers of Agni were not enough.

“For those of you who do not recall our lesson from the beginning of the term about the military structures that Fire Lord Azulon put into place, the Soldiers of Agni are the most elite Firebenders in the nation, excepting, of course, the royal family.

“So these proud men, who were the epitome of Fire itself, donned the muddy browns and greens of the Earth Kingdom on the command of their lord and snuck into Ba Sing Se in the same way that Prince Zuko and former General Iroh had. There, they met the prince, who formed their plan of attack.

“On the agreed-upon date, the Soldiers of Agni and Prince Zuko stormed the palace, beginning by executing all of the guards who tried to fight back. The rest of the guards, knowing they were outnumbered, quickly defected, and when the former General Iroh tried to stop them, they took him prisoner for the royal family, allowing the Soldiers of Agni and Prince Zuko to continue their invasion.

“Their main goal was to get rid of everyone who lived in that palace, in which they were successful. Not even the Earth King’s pet bear was spared. He and the rest of the palace’s inhabitants were destroyed, along with an entire wing of the Earth Palace, which the Soldiers of Agni brought crumbling to the ground with their fire and their might.

“Sadly, all of the Soldiers of Agni that fought to take the Earth Palace lost their lives that day. Most of the palace staff were Earthbenders, and they fought back, outnumbering the Soldiers of Agni ten to one. The Soldiers of Agni possessed superior skills, but those were barely enough against such a large quantity of enemies.

“We cannot forget the sacrifices they made. It is through the bravery, spirit, and courage of the Soldiers of Agni that the Fire Nation finally took Ba Sing Se for good. Even in a confrontation where they were at such an enormous disadvantage, the Soldiers of Agni kept fighting for their country, their home, and for the Fire Lord, eventually emerging victorious, though they were unable to enjoy the fruits of their victory. We must always follow this example of duty and selflessness, ever asking ourselves what we, too, can give up for the welfare of the Fire Nation.”

After her long-winded explanation, the History Mistress exhaled, wiping away a tear from the corner of her left eye and then holding her hands to her heart. You all had a quiet moment, presumably in honor of the Soldiers of Agni, and then, tentatively, Jia-Li raised her hand.

“History Mistress, what does all of that have to do with Ursa?” she said.

“That’s something you should ask her, not me,” the History Mistress said, motioning towards you. “Go on, Ursa. Tell us what part you played in this entire tale.”

You gulped. “To be frank, I don’t remember myself what my role was, but I’ve been filled in by Mai and Prince Zuko. Apparently, I was a Fire Nation soldier on the front lines, but at some point, I was taken prisoner by the Earth Kingdom. They were torturing me in Ba Sing Se for Fire Nation secrets. After invading the city, Prince Zuko found me, and he brought me to the palace to be healed. It was there that I woke up without any memories.”

“You were a soldier?” Kaho said, without even raising her hand. She scoffed. “You look entirely too soft to ever have been fighting on the front lines.”

“Kaho, she was in jail for who knows how long,” Jia-Li said softly. “Of course she’s not in fighting shape anymore. Especially if they were torturing her…poor Ursa. You’re so brave for not giving in.”

“That’s right,” the History Mistress said. “We must all endeavor to be like Ursa, as well, who after all of her ordeals is still set upon nothing but improving herself for her country. She truly is the example of what a Fire Nation citizen should be like. Now, let us thank her for sharing her story.”

“Thank you, Ursa,” everyone said. You sat on your hands and hated every second of it. You didn’t like the attention being called to you once again. You just wanted to fade into the background and be forgotten, but more and more, it seemed like that was impossible.

“The topic of prisoners is a great segue into what we’re going to be talking about in today’s lesson. Who can name one historical Fire Nation figure that was also kept in captivity by the Earth Kingdom?” the History Mistress said.

To no one’s surprise, it was Kaho volunteering once more, but this time, she was unchallenged, as you focused all of your energy on writing notes about the material. After all, you didn’t know any of this, and you figured it was likely important that you pick up such things, considering the entirely blank slate that was your mind at present.

The academy’s aviary was only a short walk from the dormitories, and you found yourself frequenting the path already, both because of your correspondence with Prince Zuko and because Bian was one of the few beings that you could say without question was your friend.

“I don’t understand why they already have decided that I am so worthless,” you sniffed, finally allowing yourself to cry in the solitude of the aviary.

Bian tilted her head at you, nudging you with her cold beak. You wiped away your tears before scratching her on her feathery chest.

“I don’t even know half of their names,” you said. “Yet they are convinced that I am someone less than them. Someone worthless. They think of me as waste, Bian — a rubbish girl who does not deserve to be their peer.”

Of course, your messenger hawk was not intimately acquainted with the subtleties of such politics and divisions, but for the moment, it seemed as if she understood, as she let out a low, rumbling coo. It was the most comfort you could dream of, and you bit your lip to prevent a sob from falling past your lips.

“Maybe it’s true,” you said. “You can decorate trash all you want. At the end of the day, you can’t change what it is. Maybe I don’t belong here. I don’t know what Prince Zuko was thinking, sending me to study with these girls.”

Bian nipped your sleeve, almost like a reprimand. You gave her a warning look, reminding her to keep her beak to herself, but all you earned in response was indifference — your reward for thinking a bird could read your expressions and would care about them, even if she could.

“And for some reason, Kaho has a personal vendetta against me,” you said. “I can’t think of anything I’ve done to deserve it. Is it because I corrected her during our etiquette class? But she hated me even before that.”

Jia-Li had mentioned something about Kaho envying you for your closeness with the royal family, but it wasn’t as if you had chosen that. You hadn’t chosen to be saved by Prince Zuko. You hadn’t chosen to lose your memories. You hadn’t chosen to live like this. None of it was in your control, so why did she blame you for it all?

“I just wish I knew who I was,” you said. “Things would be easier if I knew there was someone who loved me. Someone who was waiting for me to come back. If I was a Fire Nation soldier, then my family — they might be nearby, right? I should…I should be trying to find them, not studying at this school!”

You could feel the judgment rolling off of Bian in waves, which was ridiculous, because she was after all just a messenger hawk and was incapable of judging anyone. Still, if she were a person, you fancied she would be judging you at the moment, and your shoulders slumped as you realized how ridiculous you sounded.

“I’m in a position that many greatly desire, and here I am, complaining. I am in an elite institution, my tutelage sponsored by a prince who is only all-too-eager to help me with whatever I need. It is silly that I am so upset, it’s just that — it’s just that I feel like some part of me is missing. Like I lost who I am when I lost my memories, and not just in the sense of my identity. It was something physical. There is something more to me that is out of my grasp, and no matter how hard I try, I cannot reach it,” you said, extending your hand and closing your fist around empty air.

As per usual, there was nothing. It was a futile exercise. No matter how many times you did it, the result would be the same. You would not be able to find that part of you again, not for some time.

“Who am I, really?” you said to Bian. “That’s what I want to know. Who was Ursa? Who were my parents? Did I have siblings? What about friends? What did I do for fun? I don’t know any of it. I feel like I will only be happy again if I can find out. Even if it’s terrible. Even if it means reliving the torture that the Earth Kingdom put me through. I just want to remember.”

But try as you might, there was still nothing. You still had no idea who you were. Although you had had a full day of instruction at the academy, you were in no better of a position than you had been on the day you started.

Ursa,

You really can just call me Zuko. You don’t have to refer to me as the prince, unless you are completely more comfortable with that. Though it is true that I am your benefactor, I am not someone you should defer to. If you can bring yourself to do it, then I should like if you actually think of me as your friend. I would like to consider you mine, and so I will speak to you as if you are until you tell me otherwise.

I’d expect that none of the girls at the academy can claim that the prince of the Fire Nation is offering them friendship, and will be on their side even if they should reject that offer! Anyways, I have no doubt that you will be able to solve any issues that come your way, but sometimes, it is nice to have support. I want to be that for you. Even if it is not me, I hope there is someone at the academy who you can turn to for that.

It is a relief to hear that your roommate is someone likable. I asked Mai about Jia-Li; though she had nothing favorable to say, there was also nothing unfavorable, which is almost more of a compliment, coming from her. It’s good to know that you do not have to sleep beside someone you detest.

And speaking of, I am angered to hear that they have been treating you that way. Please remember that you are worth ten of them in my eyes. You only need to say the word, and I will have them spoken to harshly. Especially that Kaho, who has always been the horrid type (Mai was a little more explicit in her description, but I will spare you the specifics. Just imagine the most obscene expletives you can think of, and then imagine something even worse — that is probably in the range of what she was saying about her). Do not let her get you down; she is a spoiled, sheltered girl whose father is an Admiral and allows her to get away with doing whatever she wants because of his high status in the military. If you stand up to her, then I am sure she will back down. People like that usually do.

Yes, Bian was supposed to be my hawk, but I already have one and have no need for another, so she would’ve just sat in the aviary once I received her. It is for her own good that I gave her to you. If you do not like such an extravagant creature being yours alone, then you may imagine that you are borrowing her from me for the time being (though I will not accept her return — I think that she is attached to you now).

She is an exemplary bird, is she not? The falconer was very proud of her when she hatched. Although, I don’t know if anyone else would agree that she possesses a gentle heart; it’s not something typically said about messenger hawks, which are frequently ill-tempered. It is further proof that she is fond of you and was always meant to be yours, no matter whose name she was hatched in.

My own life has been dreadfully boring as of late. Meeting after meeting after meeting…it is definitely busy, being the prince of the Fire Nation. It’s like everyone wants to talk to me suddenly! But I’m not complaining. I much prefer being home to living on a ship and constantly wondering when I can go back, even if I had considerably more free time back then. 

I cannot think of anything else to write to you about, but I do not wish to stop quite yet, because once I am done with this letter, I will have to attend to some paperwork that I have been putting off. 

It has been sunny recently. The cooks made my favorite meal yesterday. Mai has been moping a lot more than usual (I think she misses Ty Lee). I gave bread to the turtleducks in the pond, and it seemed to cheer their spirits. My father allows me to sit at his right side for meetings nowadays, though as always, Azula is at his left. 

That’s about it. I guess that, as the heir to the throne, I should not keep procrastinating. It’s not very princely of me. 

Yours, Zuko

P.S. Once again, I am sorry to hear that. 

P.P.S. Please keep writing to me frequently, and with as many boring details as you care to include. I like hearing from you will take any excuse to not fill out these ridiculously tedious forms.

[brostateexam]

Have not been saying much for a while because everything is hard.

I. My BiL has had c diff three times now and after the third time the oncologist decided to take a damn the torpedoes approach because they were wasting weeks that should have been devoted to chemo because he was too sick and too weak to withstand outpatient treatment. I haven't seen him irl since December but my mom says he looks rough and if his immune system is so messed up that he keeps getting c diff idk that I really want to visit him. What if I get him sick?

All of this is background to me, though, because mostly I'm invested in my sister. She wants to divorce him. He needs to be better enough that she won't face ostracization for doing so. I am invested in him getting better enough for that to proceed for her sake.

II. Something about my relationship with my mom has been bothering me and I finally figured out what it is: everything is equally important to her. She doesn't prioritize anything. If I am having a tough time and ask for help she'll say "well I'm busy every day this week but I can come over next week in Thursday for ninety minutes" and then when she comes over I ask her what she was up to, both to make conversation and because I'm nosy, and it's like... she volunteered for a clothing drive at the synagogue. She went grocery shopping. She went to a farmer's market. Thanks for fitting me into your schedule, I guess! Glad to know I am on the same level as farm fresh tomatoes.

III. I have been having a really tough time of it for the last few months. The vacation in Mexico was... Not restful. Shane had a seizure on the plane and I spent the first two days managing logistics related to that (and navigating the extra ~$2k I spent covering his medical costs while on the trip). His back is still fucked up almost two months later and so I get to do extra housework and chores because he can't lift or bend without being in pain.

IV. Resultant to III, I had a really awful period of about a month with an online friend who started being super short and terse with me because I've been around online less. It was really clear he felt like I was ditching him to go hang out with my cool friends or something, instead of the reality of the situation: I'm cleaning litter boxes and doing yard work and changing the sheets on the bed aka #livingthedream. I told him about all the stuff that was going on but it was clear he didn't believe me or resented my absence nevertheless. This came to a head with me basically texting him an essay about why he was being a bad friend. In a turn of good news, he listened, and apologized, and we mended fences. That was nice because I just don't know how much more bad news I can take right now.

V. I've been struggling with work but really it's just. My boss. My coworkers like me. My project sponsors like me. My skip level likes me. My exec likes me. It's just him. We don't have a good relationship and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know that it is fixable. This is a problem because this is the guy I need in my corner to advance my career and I don't know that he'll do that for me. The alternative is leaving my company, which sounds attractive on paper but in practice the job market is so so bad and it's just so discouraging. The idea of a new job sounds incredible. I wish I could do that. Maybe even a career change.

VI. Unfortunately, that's not gonna happen because of financial pressures. NGL, as much as I like my house (and I do -- I love its little windows, I love my pink dining nook and green bedroom, I love the mature fruit trees and pretty backyard full of wildflowers), I wish i had the cash in hand, instead. I feel trapped here, and like I'm making the most of it. That's a shit feeling to have.

VII. I've started regaining weight. Not a lot. Fifteen pounds since October. But it's scaring me. It's making me wonder if this whole surgery thing was pointless because I can't seem to stop myself from wanting to eat myself to death. So I'm trying to beat it back without resorting to "diet culture behaviors" (read: disordered eating) and that's tough.

There could be a separate post for things that are going well perhaps, but this is what's going not so well and it feels like a lot. Sometimes it feels like too much.

[oidheadh-con-culainn]

i spent a real long time pretending to be chill about nsfw jokes and stuff in group chats and joining in with it where possible and bringing in weird bad quotes from academic queer theory to laugh at them and stuff and the whole time just feeling strange and ashamed and completely unable to discuss any of those topics *earnestly*

and gradually over time the shame about the jokes lessened but i was still only ever able to talk about those topics *as jokes*. i got good at them. i'm regularly the person lowering the tone of the whole group chat, tbh, though this is partly bc some of my group chats are with (mostly straight) people who are simply Not That Online. and still when it came to Real Stuff i felt only shame and embarrassment. but i'd squash it! i was really fucking good at squashing it! i could make jokes so evidently i was totally fine and normal about all of this. i never considered that sometimes i was the one lowering the tone bc being perpetually out of my comfort zone meant i'd lost sight of boundaries and appropriateness tbh, I was too busy feeling like I was getting away with something that i could pretend so well

and when other people were talking about their experiences or looking for advice i was there. i talked the talk. i did my best. i found the resources and i never ever let the shame show. and once during one of these conversations somebody said to me that they wished they could be that chill and sex positive and it made me realise how fucking good i was at pretending while inside i was still that nineteen-year-old who didn't know where the clitoris was and, even after they learned, wouldn't masturbate on sundays because it felt weird and blasphemous

i spent so long so full of shame. completely and utterly imprisoned by it and saturated by it and unable to escape it no matter how hard i squashed it down and pretended to be all enlightened and chill and relaxed about sex. and we joke about tumblr being the celibacy website, and the internet gets more hostile to "adult" content all the time and this is hardly an exception, but tumblr has still been crucial to breaking out of that mindset. all the yearning and the horny shitposting and the reminder to kill the cop/evangelical youth leader inside your head here has helped me, actually, to realise that sometimes you're allowed to want stuff for real. not just as a joke

and having a place where i feel even a little bit anonymous (even if i do have some irl friends as mutuals) has also been essential to feeling like i can voice some of those wants out loud and not have my whole face and life attached to it. which has also been a crucial step. i can't say that shit to my friends because my friends know me. i can only say it to you because you don't. but that's a step forward from saying it to nobody

[severr]

i love Pixel Cat’s End so i made a series of instagram stories to recommend it to my friends :D sharing it here in case someone also gets interested 👀 check it out~~~ http://pixelcatsend.com/

by the way, the website is adapted for screen readers! i haven’t tested that personally, but the dev updates suggest that its usability is constantly being improved. so i’m putting ALT text for these under the cut. it’s a lot of text, just a heads up!

(i’m not the developer, i just love the game! :D the official blog is @pixelcatsend. there was some confusion last time i advertized it haha)

First picture:

a screenshot of two cats and a black wolf playing with a bird in snowy woods with text that says:

Pixel Cat's End is a cozy slow-paced virtual pet site.

(my personal opinion is that the internet was created so we can have websites like this. instead of a capitalist hellscape. but i digress)

you create a kitty and start a kitty village on another planet with 4 of your kitty friends

these are two of my starter cats Tywin and Ugolyek :)

Second picture:

a screenshot of an apartment house full of cats with text that says:

you collect cats, dress them up and build their village

(having 3 cats irl is not enough for me apparently, i need a hundred more)

look, kitty wheelchair! (pointing at a cat with mobility aid)

Third picture:

a screenshot of the mines, miner cats and mined resources around it. text says:

the cats go to work and since i am extremely normal about this game, i keep a database with all my cats and their professional qualifications (a picture of the database in a “look at this photograph” meme format)

my village basically has a communist centrally planned economy

coming up with political lore for pixel cats is so funny to me

the kitties yearn for the mines

Fourth picture:

text says:

once i wrote a whole fanfic at like 2 AM when i was sending my friend crafting materials they asked for

a screenshot of a message i sent on the website with attached building materials:

Gift from Yuno to MuckFae

Yuno - Rivna, Vilna, Anarchia and Communa were wandering in the forest on one of their little adventures and stumbled onto Wish. the Rats invited it to join them and they spent a day full of fun, showing each other their favorite parts of the forest.

as they were walking back they realized that Wish celebrated its birthday tomorrow, on the same day as Rivna and Vilna! the Rat girls immediately started planning a huge birthday party at the Gray House for the youth of both of their villages. reaching an age where you can start attending school lessons is a huuuge deal after all! however, the Sumrak kitten suddenly got quiet. the Rats asked why it seemed so sad, and upon learning about the lack of educational resources in their village, they were rightfully enraged!

sheepishly, Wish said that they are going to start working some small jobs to gather materials for future kittens of Sumrak to get the opportunity to go to school, like Flick and Sweetie. the Rats were speechless. wow, that's so ****ing sad. they hugged Wish goodbye and hurried back to Sever.

upon returning, the Rats gathered all of the Sever youth and told what they heard. together, they quickly organized a demonstration, shedding light on the plight of their young comrades across the lake. all of the Sever villages chipped in with the materials they had gathered, happy to support the friendly, though at times creepy

**** village. Nezzie was especially touched, bringing all of the paper that he's been saving up for building his circus.

this is only 1/3 of the story

Fifth picture:

text says:

there are silly scenarios where the cats can interact, become friends, enemies, lovers

how cute is this friendship origin story?!

and screenshot from the website:

Grove is curled up under a bush and growls whenever anyone attempts to approach.

Chosen action: Lucius protects the bush to make sure nobody bothers Grove.

Lucius keeps all nosy cats out of the area so that Grove can get some peace and quiet. Grove appreciates it, and eventually slinks out of his bush to go back to work.

Question: Grove and Lucius would like to be friends. Would you like to approve this relationship?

Sixth picture:

a screenshot of a nursery room with piles of blankets and pillows and two small kittens lying there. text says:

the cats can have kittens (or adopt), there's a whole complex genetics system if you're into that sort of thing.

(but you don't need to understand it to have fun)

these two guys were just born

Seventh picture:

text says: the cats also go on TTRPG-style adventures

screenshots from the website with the adventuring system. second one shows the playing field, first one shows four cats surrounded by wolves and text:

You are being hunted...

The sounds of paws racing through the woods surround the four adventurers, and soon a trio of forest hounds emerges from behind the cliffs.

Eighth picture:

a screenshot of my first cat’s house that is full of rabbits. my kitty has a genderqueer flag scarf! text says:

there are some more cool things i haven't mentioned and the game is still in development!

there's now an event to celebrate the end of the beta stage so join if it sounds like something you might like-

i gladly volunteer to answer questions and help out. let's become friends in the game!

[boundlesschaos]

TOA Anniversary Munday

Celebrating TOA and the people who contribute to make our group what it is. Repost, don't reblog. Only fill in what you feel comfortable sharing! Happy anniversary, TOA! Here's to many more years spent together. [Original by Neffi can be found here!]

Name: Ruru

Pronouns: any/all

Birthday (no year): 6/14

Where are you from? What is your time zone? Grew up in the East Coast, currently back living there. EST timezone.

How long is your roleplay experience? Easily 15+ years. I did RP on DeviantArt of all things (and even became a mod of said rp); moved to tumblr RP when it got popular, but then took a break for a few years when tabletop games took interest proper; returned to RP when Cecil and I found TOA.

How were you introduced to roleplaying as a whole? Outside of DeviantArt, I grew up playing a lot of make believe games with friends, which eventually moved to text. But really, dA was the big one that hooked me to RP proper....wild...

How were you introduced to TOA? Cecil was the one who found it? But I was wishing for more tumblr RPs around the time, since discord ones felt too intimidating.

Do you have any pets? Viola! Cute lil cat daughter

What is your favorite time of year and why? (Season, holiday, general period) I like the part of fall where the leaves change colours. Seeing flora change in general is fun for me.

What is your IRL occupation? IT Support; I also do game dev (mainly TTRPG) on the side when I can

Some interests and things you like/enjoy? I like running TTRPG games, drawing, designing and coding spreadsheets. Making improv games on the fly, rules and all. I also like exploring new places, especially when they're local. Picnics on the beach or park are great.

What non-Fire Emblem games do you play? A lot, but the game I just beat is Xenoblade Chronicles. I'm the sole remaining World Flipper fan- I mean, I like JRPGs a lot, so games like LiveALive and Chrono Cross come to mind as well.

Favorite Pokemon type & Pokemon: Bug type. Snom, Grubbin, Pinurchin, Trapinch, pokemon that have the shape (tm) are my favorites. I've always had a soft spot for the Lati duo as well.

Tell us some funfacts and trivia about yourself! I've lived in Japan for a fair bit, and became N5 proficient through that. I'm trying to study for N4. I will also never stop talking about TTRPG - namely that I make games and one of them is Fire Emblem based.

How did you get into Fire Emblem? NO JOKE BUT I first learned of Fire Emblem through some promotional pamphlet that came with Pokemon Sapphire I think??? And then saw them in Smash. Cecil definitely helped me get into it proper.

What Fire Emblem games have you played? Easier to say what I haven't, which is FE1 and FE3 (or their remakes). Only played Echoes, not FE2. The only games I started and never beat are Warriors, Three Hopes, and FE5.

First & Favorite Fire Emblem games: First exposure was one of the GBA, but Awakening was the first I beat proper, I think. My favorite FE games are 4 and 6.

List your 5 favorite Fire Emblem characters across the series! Niamh, Joshua, Hugh, Idunn, Lethe? Those are the first to come to mind that I consistently like.

Who was the first character ever to make you go “ooh I like this one in particular” and why? Can be any context and reason! This would have been so long ago...I liked characters like Chad, Lugh, Ricken, etc because they were the 'small boy who might not be taken seriously' type. Which, given I was a lot younger back then, also treated younger than i was by my family, and starting to realize I don't define my gender neatly, they were important characters to sympathize with.

Any Fire Emblem crushes? 😳 All my crushes are in Tellius LMAO but like. Titania. Nailah. Powerful Women....

If you’ve played (or are familiar with) the following games, who was your first S support? Who would you S support nowadays? - Awakening: Sully; might pick someone like Miriel? - Fates: Tsubaki; idk tbh....maybe him again - Three Houses: Shamir; probably Yuri? - Engage: Yunaka; maybe Kagetsu? [THIS WHOLE THING IS REMINDING ME that im not very attached to S supporting with the protag I GUESS]

Favorite Fire Emblem class? I like the ones where you can fly. Kinshi Knight is one of my favorites for the design and unique combination of flyer and bow.

If you were a Fire Emblem character, what would be your class and stats? Would you be playable? Probably a flier or a strategist type. My luck stat is either way too good or awful, no inbetween. Probably also a furry of some variety.

If you were a Three Houses character, what would be your affiliation? I'm your generic NPC civilian.

If you were an Officers Academy student, what would be your boons, banes and potential budding talent? - Boons - Faith, Riding (me remembering I rode horses as a kid) - Banes - Axes - Budding - Flying, Bows

If you were an Engage character, which nation would you originate from? Probably Firene for being very flowery?

How do you pronounce TOA? 🤔(separate letters, to-ah, other?) I pronounce it toe (the body part) + a (the letter). toe-a.

Current TOA muses: Niamh, Hugh

Past TOA muses? N/A

Who was your first TOA muse? If you no longer have them, can you see yourself picking them up again? Niamh

Do you believe you have a type of character you gravitate towards writing? I like writing characters who appear composed, put together, etc, but are actually definitely not. Their ability to empathize is either super good or they struggle dearly (but are aware of that shortcoming). the more unconventional their gender, identity, etc is, the better.

Do you have characters or types of characters you don’t think you can handle writing, but wish you could? Honestly any character with a sizeable amount of lore. I'd just spend way too much time worrying I interpreted one of their support conversations wrong or don't do the character 'the right way'.

What kind of scenes, situations etc do you believe you enjoy writing the most? I like writing situations where the characters learn a new facet about themselves, or discover a place beyond their wildest dreams.

Do you have any scenario in mind for your muse(s) that gets you thinking “man I hope I get to write this one day”? Maybe something that lets me explore Hugh's past or defines Niamh pre-meeting Cipher crew?

Favorite TOA-related memories? Candy game was fun. I also liked the teamwork and memery I had in BOEL this year.

Present or past tense? I think I write in present so that?

Normal size text, small text, no preference? Normal Text with no trimming because most of my replies are through my phone lmao...

Got any potential muse delusions to share? 😉 Sommie :) Both joking and genuinely serious. I love a small Frienb and i think it would be interesting to dive into the fact that Sommie has been around for a very long time, but realistically I'd probably only play him for a few months. Aside from Sommie, there are a couple of FE6 characters (Lugh, Raigh, Idunn) who could be fun but I like sticking to one muse per game. Constance I think about off and on but she hits my 'has too many supports' and therefore I'd worry about playing right. I still rotate the Three Hopes supports I read though. Maybe someday

[revelale]

Celebrating TOA and the people who contribute to make our group what it is. Repost, don't reblog. Only fill in what you feel comfortable sharing! Happy anniversary, TOA! Here's to many more years spent together. Credits to Neffi.

Name: lilly!

Pronouns: they/them.

Birthday (no year): april 4th.

Where are you from? What is your time zone? pst (gmt-8).

How long is your roleplay experience? well, i started when i was eight, so twenty? years now? embarrassing for me.

How were you introduced to roleplaying as a whole? neopets, LMFAO.

How were you introduced to TOA? i'd just finished up the gd route for 3h when chuu, an old member, posted about a fe group on twitter. so, i dmed her and then asked about it and then delusionally manifested a blog and url in like roughly 8 hours. fun fact: prior to that, i'd only ever played one canon, lol!

Do you have any pets? yes, my awful little dog.

What is your favorite time of year and why? (Season, holiday, general period) wiiiiinter. it rains the most and i can just get jackets to be warm if it's too cold.

What is your IRL occupation? used to be a journalist, now i'm? in product development for stationery, lol.

Some interests and things you like/enjoy? mostly handicraft stuff? i like building lego sets, assembling dioramas, doing puzzles. i started learning how to crochet yesterday! i'm very bad at it!

What non-Fire Emblem games do you play? mostly jrpgs, but lots of puzzle-y indie games. i started playing sea of stars reeeecently, but haven't gotten very far on it. a metric ton of otomes, lmao.

Favorite Pokemon type & Pokemon: dragon, and dragonite! close runners up are bewear and ludicolo, lmfao.

Tell us some funfacts and trivia about yourself! i jokingly mumble "i'm thinking miku miku oo ee oo" when i'm struggling, but so my brother took that as "i really like hatsune miku" and now i have four figurines of miku just spread out in my room. i fear every time he goes to round one because i will just have another one.

How did you get into Fire Emblem? an old friend of mine told me to give awakening a try because she thought i'd like that i could date people, lmfao. it worked. NJKLRENGJKLRGR.

What Fire Emblem games have you played? eeeeverything post-awakening, short of three hopes. i also gave sacred stones a try and then got intensely mad when tana kept dying, so i stopped.

First & Favorite Fire Emblem games: awakening, then rrrr. i haven't touched one in a while, so i actually couldn't really say.

List your 5 favorite Fire Emblem characters across the series! inigo, fogado, hubert (toa pilled)—this is where i admit i don't actually have any favorites in game, but i do in toa, lmao.

Who was the first character ever to make you go “ooh I like this one in particular” and why? Can be any context and reason! sobbing, i don't have any. I'M A SHAM.

Any Fire Emblem crushes? 😳 naur, but i one day wish to experience chasing the high everyone else does.

If you’ve played (or are familiar with) the following games, who was your first S support? Who would you S support nowadays? - Awakening: chrom by curse, but olivia. - Fates: inigo. PARDON ME, LAZZY. tttheeen, idk. kaze. lmao. - Three Houses: claude...... and sylvain now. i love a man that's all red flags. it's a parade, not a warning! - Engage: pandreo................. still pandreo.

Favorite Fire Emblem class? PEGAKNIGHT SUPREMACY.

If you were a Fire Emblem character, what would be your class and stats? Would you be playable? in my greatest delusions, i'd be an armored tank unit, but the reality is i'm probably the villager hiding in their house after you swung by to let me know something was coming to murk me/us.

If you were a Three Houses character, what would be your affiliation? golden deer, lmao. i just like their vibe.

If you were an Officers Academy student, what would be your boons, banes and potential budding talent? wwww, i actually started doing archery recently and i'm not bad at it, so i think probably something in that vein for a boon ....... i'm also weirdly strong, so maybe gauntlets? lmfao. everything else is what i'd be bad at, rifp. an athletic creature i am not.

If you were an Engage character, which nation would you originate from? probably firene. it'd make sense for my name to be lilly, eh.

How do you pronounce TOA? 🤔t-o-a, lmao.

Current TOA muses: shiro & pandreo!

Past TOA muses? cynthia, shigure, lon-qu, constance, bylad, kiragi, kinu—i forget all the other ones if any, oops.

Who was your first TOA muse? If you no longer have them, can you see yourself picking them up again? cynthia! and maybe? lmao, she's evolved so much past her baseline in my head that i think it'd actually be quite difficult to pick her up again, but she also has such incredible capacity for interesting relationships.

Do you believe you have a type of character you gravitate towards writing? clown, usually with depression.

Do you have characters or types of characters you don’t think you can handle writing, but wish you could? oooof, really calculating and intellectual types! i'm not very good at it and my style of writing doesn't super lend itself to that because i tend to spell out their every thought, lmao. the only reason i could write constance is because she was simultaneously the smartest and stupidest person in the room at any given time.

What kind of scenes, situations etc do you believe you enjoy writing the most? oh, i'm a comedy relief writer first and foremost. any situation where i can put people into a yes-and context is fun for me. but, i am realizing i do really enjoy dramatic scenes too for character study and exploration.

Do you have any scenario in mind for your muse(s) that gets you thinking “man I hope I get to write this one day”? nnnnnot right now. i find that most of the spiciest moments i recall are ones that just happen by circumstance instead of planning.

Favorite TOA-related memories? on chapril, i got the mods and everyone else to change to chad icons when a new member abruptly showed up and i died laughing.

Present or past tense? present! past? i do both. king of tense changes that make no sense.

Normal size text, small text, no preference? no preference. i just use small text because i like lookin' at it.

Got any potential muse delusions to share? 😉 if i entertain it for even a second, i will have to make the blog right now and i don't have time for that but god i want to.

[ahappydnp]

thank you so much for your reply 💜 I think the hardest part for me is thinking that I have a life with someone and that will be over. I'm scared we'll never talk again, be friends etc. I'm already out as bi (since I was 14) so I've already accepted I like women a long time ago. It's just hard accepting I don't love (romantically) this person I've spent 6 years with anymore, bc I also feel ok with not liking men so I'm not too worried about that. I wish I had figured that out before we moved in together. I feel guilty, and like I'm the shittiest person alive bc he's a really amazing person. I know it's not my fault, but it feels like it is somehow. I can't ignore it forever, I think even he already noticed that something is going on, so I'll try to talk to him about soon <3 and thank you again, I haven't talked about this with anyone irl. I will try to give myself a deadline to sort things out and talk to him (I feel so anxious for even thinking about doing that ksgaksbsbb aaa)

long post under the cut

the guilt part is something i could have written verbatim but PLEASE know you're not a bad person for this! there is nothing to feel guilty about because you had to go through the process of figuring this out! you deserve to be happy and after 6 years i would hope that's what he would want for you too <3 i really do hope you can stay friends and that he'll support you through this. some people do get that and that's great!

i will say thinking about starting that conversation/when it should happen is far worse than the conversation itself. like you said, he's probably already aware something is going on and (in my experience) the second you start talking it all just kind of comes out at once.

also you don't have to give yourself a deadline to make life changing decisions! i told myself i'd take it slow after i admitted i was a lesbian to myself and then like literally two days he came home, asked me how my day was, and i just started full on sobbing and it all came out like word vomit. i had spent months letting it eat me alive and i was in the worst depressive episode i had ever been in and i won't lie that was a fucking hard and scary talk, but after it happened i had never felt lighter in my life. despite the pain and heartbreak, i felt like i had hope for the first time maybe ever in my life?

just please please be kind to yourself and know no matter what happens or when it happens, you're not alone and this is by no means the end of the world for him or you. it's actually the beginning of exponentially more happiness

[myrmyrtheorca]

Ok I'm going to vent rant scream vomit here because nobody in my irl circle seems to have the emotional maturity to recognize when to just shut the fuck up and listen

My supervisor noticed I was feeling down. He's not a brainwashed corporate zombie, more of a "let's find a way to cheat the system so that you can both show yourself as participative while not selling your soul to it" type of guy, so I appreciated it.

One of the colleagues at the market dept is expecting, she did like 80% of the work there so everything is getting redistributed. Since the entire dept can't fucking wait to get their hands on me, they immediately suggested me to take her place for a year spending 4 hours in a cubicle among them doing a job I'm NOT suited for (event organization, from the ground up) for NO pay raise. While also doing my current job.

Fortunately the big boss was against it and that was avoided, but I was pretty bummed because it's again the demonstration that I'm seen as the "unskilled labourer who has nothing to do but taking phone calls" (false). And my supervisor told me:

"you weren't like this a year ago. I wish you were the person you were a year ago"

Which is the exact thing my friends say during their more petty moments, word by word. And it just shook me like an earthquake because ...fuck you? One year ago I didn't have a house that depleted my family's entire life savings to rebuild, I didn't have an elective surgery denied on me on the day of the surgery because apparently I'm not "mentally ill enough" (THE SURGEON'S OWN WORDS) to get sterilized, I didn't have friends turn on me for being TIRED and I didn't have to go to bed exhausted because I kept worrying if I gave people enough of MY TIME for them not to turn on me the next damn morning

I've spent my life pleasing people and trying to fit in, and now that I have REAL problems like housing and health suddenly I'm being too DIFFICULT? I hope "the person I was one year ago" NEVER comes back for others to take advantage of, and I'll dance on her grave the moment you realise that's the case.

The moment you find out your irl favourite company is your CAT's because he's the only person in your life who doesn't get PISSY at you for being yourself is the moment you know you cracked the code. A creature that lets you know what they want and are content once you give it to them. GOD. PLEASE. BE LIKE MY CAT. GET OFF MY ASS.

[popsicle-parfait]

Unfortunately I ended up losing interest in this draft and with the drama that keeps happening at Nijisanji I also lost the same likability in the streamers I once did. So if anyone wants to pick this up or just read it I'm going to leave it here.

It's a reader x Ike Eveland.

You have been playing video games for a couple of years now, and while you're not the best at them you do have a lot of fun while doing so. You've gone from gaming noob to posting professional tutorials for others like you on your blog. If you can't play a game you'll just watch streamers and analyze it so you can at least be aware of certain mechanics if you do end up buying said unobtainable game. The streamer you've spent the most money on was probably Ike Eveland, you weren't too interested in vtubers but something about his eloquence and how he engaged with his audience caught your eye. 

You've been watching him for a few months now so you can properly say you're a part of the quildren, as the fans put it. Apparently a new game came out and it was on everybody's wish list, but luckily you pre ordered it a long time ago, all that was left to do was boot it up and start playing. It was a classic mmo game and like the person you were, you decided to pick the female avatar since they have more cosmetic choices. You were a mage class so you'd have an easier time grinding and upgrading your skills compared to other classes, plus who doesn't like to buff yourself every now and again? 

You were in the middle of farming for a new armor set when someone sent you a group invite, who could this be? Their username was "TheNovelist" and they already seemed to be 5x higher than you in levels, so what could they possibly want with you? You decided to bite the bullet and clicked join, there were three people already active; one of them being the party owner in question. 

You took a quick look at their character profiles and the other two party members were a gunslinger called "Lionsgate" and a healer named "PotassiumFighter12", only one of those made your sweat drop. TheNovelist looked to be a swordsman, carrying a heavy greatsword and what looks to be a really OP armor set that got released. You all typed your hellos in chat before the forsaken conversation of 'Why' began to circle. 

Bellflower: Wow! You guys are stacked, are you about to do a raid? 

Lionsgate: Hell yeah! We're gonna defeat the newest mini boss! ∩( ✧Д✧)∩

PotassiumFight… : Unfortunately, we don't have enough potions to cover our stats so we asked our friend here to find someone who'll help

TheNovelist: It's ok if you're not a high level, we'll share the exp anyway! (^_^♪)

Bellflower: Oh alright! If you need anything from me just yell, my attention span is kinda bad lol

Lionsgate: Don't you worry your head Milady! We'll go in guns blazing! ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

TheNovelist: Starting now

Honestly you've never been carried so hard in your entire life, but you can't deny the princess treatment isn't nice every now and again. The milady comment was odd considering you were sure you placed your gender as male in your profile but you'll take what you can get. After a few waves of monsters and drops to last you a few days, you were actually really enjoying yourself. The guys were funny and they all had such different personalities from what you could tell, plus they all seemed to know each other irl since the inside jokes were a bit odd. What the heck is a Shubert anyway? 

You were a bit confused but overall these guys really warmed your heart up! Afterwards you all parted ways and not even an hour later, you got a friend request from TheNovelist! The next day you decided to take a break for a bit since your hands were cramping and opened up YouTube to watch Ike's daily stream. It looks like he was playing that game you downloaded yesterday too, which you guess is pretty expected considering it was new and all.

[imaginespazzi]

Nivi – hey bestie, you’ve done it again – I wasn’t sure it could get more heartbreaking than the last one and yet!

As always, the writing is- well, it’s everything.

The parallels between high school them and college them was immaculate, and I so wish Paige could have fulfilled her dream of kissing Azzi under the confetti, but alas, maybe in another universe 😉

I loved the little exchange about UConn and California, and how that possibility was always there but Paige could just never accept it.

P and UConn winning the natty this year – it had to happen in at least one universe, so thank you for letting it happen in this one.

Side note: Drew and Paige interactions are always top tier, and very much the type of momentary fluff that I needed to break up the sadness while reading.

Side note 2: I love that I don’t even need to imagine what Azzi wearing Paige’s jersey would look like, but I’m glad ucla au Paige got to experience it too 🥹

The celebration with the team was so cute and of course it would be KK that basically helps break the ice (and her lil innocent “you should bring her around more often” 🥺). Also, all the little moments Az got with everyone else in the team was so wholesome, and ofc queen Nika being a loveable menace who’s always just looking out for her twin.

Side note 3: I love love love the two piggyback moments haha, just because that’s so pazzi core to me idk, I feel like there’s been a lot of photos where Azzi is piggybacking Paige irl, like that’s very much their thing so I adored seeing it incorporated here. But then, the ending. I knew it was coming, but it certainly did not make it hurt any less when we got there. “Fuck,” Paige’s voice is still wracked with sleep, “I thought you left.” “That’s more your style,” Azzi says – this was particularly heartbreaking, but I can’t really blame Azzi, even if P is trying so hard to make things right.

Overall, I may or may not have been tearing up throughout the entire chapter, and it somehow hit me even harder the second time I read through it? I think that’s just testament to your writing tbh.

Thoughts on what’s next:

Do things finally start getting better? It can’t get any worse, can it? (famous last words) 😅

I did wonder actually, whether you’d have them win or lose the natty, only because if they did win which obviously they did here (thank you), could that maybe change P’s mind at all on declaring or not?

I’m guessing she obviously sticks to her og decision and stays, and so I’m super intrigued on what might come next for them.

Like will they try going back to being just friends? Even though they’ve already tried and failed and knowing that would never be enough for Paige. But can they really not be in each other’s lives??

Will they try seeing other people again??

Summer’s coming up in the timeline and they’ve never spent an entire summer apart, so what will they do this summer? 😔 Or will we have a big time jump?

So many questions, and only you have the answers, Nivi.

Favourite lines/quotes:

The moon shines against Azzi’s face and Paige thinks that so much has changed, but Azzi’s still that kind of beautiful

“Do you know what my answer would have been?” “Yeah,” Azzi says softly, squeezing her hands, “yeah I do.”

Alternate lyrics that came to mind while reading:

Talk about our future like we had a clue. Never planned that one day, I'd be losing you.

In another life, I would be your girl. We'd keep all our promises, be us against the world.

Oh, and in honour of your love for Taylor, a Taylor lyric that came to mind was specifically this:

And I can go anywhere I want. Anywhere I want, just not home - mainly from the perspective of Paige getting almost everything she’s ever wanted, except the thing she wants most.

PS: I don’t really listen to Taylor’s music much anymore (nothing negative, just a shift in my music tastes these past couple of years!), but if there’s anything you think I should definitely give a listen to from her latest album, let me know!

As always, thank you for all you do for us. Have a wonderful weekend 💗

Much love, -🙋‍♀️

Hi bestie, one thing about me is that I will find a way to make it worse! 🤪

Thank you my sweets, it always means the world <3

I'm glad you caught that because I wanted to hint at the idea that it wasn't just a random decision of Azzi's part to choose UCLA and that she'd always been considering it.

If I can add Drew and Paige interactions, best believe I will find a way to do it. That's another relationship that's so precious to me.

Shoutout to the one anon who asked for Azzi to wear Paige's jersey in the universe as well because I took that and ran with it so I hope they liked it, because I liked their idea (come say hi!)

The team scene was one my favorites to write honestly, especially just in general KK is so fun to write because she's so fun and I need my chaotic family (Paige-Azzi-KK-Ice) to be a thing in every universe.

YES the piggybacks are just so Pazzi-core and I know this is an au but I like to take things from what we already know about them and just tweak it to keep some semblance of realism. Also piggyback are just really cute and Paige seems like the kind to beg literally anyone to carry her anyways

Things will get better because I actually don't know if they can get worse (actually they probably could but it might be hard to come back from lol) but things getting better is gonna take a lot

See if Paige changes her mind and declares, things become easy for them with her going to LA and I'm not in the business of making things easy for them lol

You think I have the answer to these question but truly what I write is just as much a mystery of where my inspiration will take to me as it is to you. So we'll see but we're on the ascent upwards, so no more other people lol!

I LOVE THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY SO MUCH!!

As for Taylor, the new album's pretty good babes if you wanna go listen! Lowkey a lot of the songs work pretty well with this fic lmao. But my favorites are loml and Fortnight I think.

Always love your detailed takes on the new parts and just seeing you in my inbox always makes me smile <3

[aroaceconfessions]

okay so. first of all just wanna get this out of the way: jesus christ are people really turning the 'asexuals invading denmark' joke into an antisemitic thing? can i like get a source on that? not saying i don't believe you i just. *deep deep sigh* people can be the fucking worst ):

with that taken care of, uh, hi! i spent many years identifying with asexuality, until it turned out that i really was a late bloomer (dysphoria and growing up in a repressive cult will do that to you). regardless, I continued to stand in solidarity with the aspec community for several reasons.

(side note: the asexuals are 100% correct - sexual attraction is wild af and while it's certainly a thing that i enjoy now, i also would not be bothered in the odd hypothetical scenario of magically becoming asexual again for no reason. y'all valid as fuck and while i can't speak for aromantics, i'm sure that the sentiment extends to romantic attraction as well.)

and then, just the other day, i was talking about how when i like someone as more than a friend, it's usually not quite to the point of romantic attraction unless/until i know it's reciprocated. like, the ground is fertile for attraction to grow, but it's locked behind a need for the feelings to be mutual. and then i said 'hey wait a minute-' and looked up recipromantic to check. and wouldn'tcha know it there it was - turns out i've been on the aromantic spectrum this whole time!

like it's no wonder i had a hard time figuring out if i experienced romantic attraction back when i was ace - i never got the chance to experience being liked back, so it never happened, but i also craved that kind of relationship and knew, deep down, that at minimum the potential for attraction was there. and goddammit it's the same problem over again - these things are so rarely talked about irl that if you don't spend any significant amount of time in the corresponding spaces, then you're pretty unlikely to stumble across the terminology to describe your experiences yourself.

as it is, i probably wouldn't have even questioned my romantic attraction if it wasn't for the time i spent within the asexual community and the aspec community as a whole. i just have such a warm fondness in my heart for the aspec community and all they've done for me, for the queer community as a whole, and for humanity's understanding of the nuance in how we view each other.

it feels wonderful to be back in such an amazing community. it's also pretty sick to be an arospec polyam person so i get to give two middle fingers to amatonormativity at the same time (:

(also would like to point out as another side note that love is not what makes us human nor what is necessary to maintain status as a full human, it's kindness. it's always been kindness. loveless ppl i wish nothing but kindness for you bc god knows with the way ur treated that u could use it. i also do have love for y'all; even if that doesn't mean much to you, i hope u know that i'll always do my best to ensure that it translates into kindness for u bc that is far more important than love)

Submitted March 29, 2023

The Ace Couple podcast has an episode that goes in depth about the antisemitism.

[chounaifu]

I’m really glad that those asks I sent out are being well-received. There’s still a few more that I need to write up, but, I’m pacing myself. :’)

Thoughts about my own current state beneath the cut, since my therapist always encourages me to open up to the people in my space. Some of it can be potentially triggering, so, please do not open if the discussion of trauma, stalking and abuse is harmful to you:

I’ve been vocal about the horrifying, traumatic stuff that caused me to leave the RPC in 2017, to a few of you before. Without going into deep detail, between the years of 2017-2021, I was trapped in an extremely, extremely abusive relationship with a member of the RPC who is no longer here, thank fuck. Because of my poor coping skills and extremely fragile mental health at the time, he managed to keep me in a social isolation until I finally left him in 2021. And I mean true social isolation; I wasn’t allowed to talk to anybody but him. (I literally had to lie and pretend like I was having internet troubles if I even wanted to open up another chat box on Discord to talk to somebody, because he would literally point out the amount of minutes it took for me to respond to him.) He tracked my location in real time with GPS. He controlled what I ate when we spent time together irl. He forced me to quit one of my jobs before, because he wasn’t pleased with how busy I was. Any free time I had, had to be given to him. I had no identity, no autonomy, no sense of self.

Since I left him in 2021, I’ve been in a long process of learning how to be a human being again, how to exist around multiple people, and how to monitor my energy levels. It’s been hard, and, there’s a lot of times where I have to learn that I am adapting to an entirely new way of life. I used to be able to write a lot of thread replies, ask replies, and drabbles in a short period of time, but, my brain just does not do that anymore. And it makes me sad, but, I know that my RP partners understand my situation.

I cannot emphasis how much going from *one* person to— well, a lot of good friends has been good for me, but also a difficult experience in itself, because I’m still fighting with my own hypersensitivity and paranoia.

Choosing to come back here was one of the scariest decisions I have ever made. And, even though I don’t vocalize it, I actively fight trauma responses every single time I open Tumblr— not because anybody is doing anything to me, but because the experience I went through was so deep.

That’s why I’ve been trying to take a minute to sit down, and send some nice words to everybody. You never know what somebody is going through. *Nobody* knew what I was going through, because I hid it so well— because I was forced to. We’re all human beings, on this rock, and we all chose to sit here and write, whether because it is a coping mechanism, something we’re passionate about, or because it’s simply fun. And I think that’s really, really beautiful.

I don’t think I’m ever going to be the same, energetic Rex that I once was. And I wish I could be. But that is okay.

So, for the people who welcomed me back, and remembered me: thank you for accepting my return, and accepting my apology.

And for the people who didn’t know me, who have become my friend lately: thank you for giving me a chance.

I’ve lost a lot of people, both friends and family, in the past decade or so. Nobody can fill those gaps, but, you guys make me feel a lot less lonely. Believe it or not, I don’t have many friends irl, and I really don’t know what I would be doing with myself right now if I hadn’t chosen to come back to Tumblr.

I wish there was more I could do to help uplift everybody who has been having a difficult time lately, I really, really do. But, at the end of the day, I cannot; what I can do, is point out that there’s at least *one* person out there who wants to see the best happen for you.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I just want to be a good person, despite of the horrible things I was called by my abuser, and I hope I am doing that.

[bluntforcespatter]

yeeeah i get that a bit more than i'd like to lol. 'm sorry it's like that for you tho /gen n yeah. it's def easier to just be some little electronic beastie than imagine myself to be properly tangible for anyone. i'm real like a digital pet or smthn, ig is my personal like...thoughts on it. ppl like those cuz they're cute, so they like me because i'm just a lil critter ywy. but if i'm more real and like....more than just words then like it becomes "what if i'm [neg thing here]" like i said, ik all of that's not entirely true, just kinda a ramble of like. getting it in my own ways lol, even if it might not be the most sensical way of putting it edtfbh n i get what you mean! i've watched/played/read stuff like that before. it's a weird sorta cathartic pain, so it's nice in a way. it sounds really good :3 thank you ywy hopefully yours does too. no problem o7 i get it n i'm glad it helps a bit for me to ramble n stuff ywy i always worry it's a bit much or annoying or w/e, so it's nice to hear [read?] that it's actualy helpful gtrfh - 📺

ah, thank you (ᵕ—ᴗ—) all we can do is our best, though, so... i am trying? ¯\_(ᵕ—ᴗ—)_/¯

and SO TRUE !! i spent my childhood online. like i was on forums and shit when i was 6 ( ꩜ ᯅ ꩜;) i was in a very very bad situation and escaping onto the internet made me feel better. i could pretend not to be from my home there. but so many years spent on the internet without anything in real life that was good really made me worse in a lot of ways - like ... the internet was the only place people ever listened to me, let alone interacting with me out of choice. in my home, i wasn't treated as a person. my parents didn't even really use my name, the name they gave me, until i was older. but online people would say "hi ghost! how was your day?" and it made me feel real. but now i feel more real online than offline... and if i am real IRL, then that means all the bad stuff that happened to me IRL did happen. so i just sort of mentally shut it all down and i wish i wasn't this way but my brain is protecting itself or something. that's what i'm told anyways.

i miss quotev i practically lived there. most of my system THRIVED there, with the RP groups we could pretend to be in character and then just be ourselves, people would address us as ourselves and it was so affirming and it felt amazing to finally exist and matter to someone. we have an alter who is basically all digital, so we often see ourselves like a little sprite traveling through 0s and 1s and pixels out into the wide web !! it's fun but sometimes very lonely.

so i totally get what you're saying. if you were a tamagotchi i would put you on a keychain and take you out and about !! digital friends ٩(◕‿◕｡)۶

cathartic pain !! yes !!! it's nice to remind yourself that it hurts - remind yourself you're still here, you still are feeling and alive, you did experience things that you carry around with you... i am very dissociative unfortunately so i relish anything that makes me feel again. most of the time i feel like a fuzzy static CRT TV...

and thank you (o^▽^o) im going to try to have a good evening. i think i can do it. im going home today (was at my roommates mum's to visit, she gets lonely) and im excited to go home and relax !! you're certainly not being too much or annoying. i only get annoyed by actually irritating things. like frustration at ignorance or injustice... i am always yelling on my blog that anyone can come yap anytime about anything because i like to listen. a pain shared is half a burden, a happiness shared is twice the joy !! (* ^ ω ^) hopefully you make time today to do something self indulgent . it's important to take time to do stuff that feeds your soul . or whatever that sounds cheesy but i hope you know what i mean !!!