#throat diseases

[cruger2984]

THE DESCRIPTION OF SAINT BLAISE The Patron of Throat Diseases Feast Day: February 3

"Father of mercy and God of all consolation, graciously look upon me and impart to me the blessing which flows from this holy Sacrament. Overshadow me with Your loving kindness, and let this divine Mystery bear fruit in me."

The patron of those who suffered from throat diseases, was born to rich and noble parents in Sebastea (modern Sivas, Turkey). Blaise received a good Christian education and became a physician.

Afterwards, he was ordained a priest and made bishop of Sebastea. During the persecution of Emperor Valerius Licinianus Licinius, he withdrew to a cave frequented only by wild beasts, which he healed and blessed. He was discovered by some hunters, who were looking for animals to be sent to the amphitheater, and was taken as prisoner to the governor of Cappadocia and Lesser Armenia, Agricolaus.

On his way to prison, a woman brought him a little boy who was at the point of death because of a fish bone in his throat. At his intercession, the child was cured, and since then, Blaise has been invoked for all kinds of throat diseases.

Soon afterwards, he suffered torture and martyrdom with steadfast faith. He was finally beheaded in 316 AD after being scourged and torn with iron combs.

[bioethicists]

it's very important to understand how a personality disorder diagnosis functions in the psychiatric system, even if you identify with the diagnosis or find it useful.

personality disorders on your medical record will be used to discredit anything you say or do. they indicate "don't bother listening to this person; apply treatment regardless of their wishes but also they're probably manipulating/attention-seeking so maybe don't bother treating them". needing support becomes attention-seeking. behaviors that would be treated + supported in someone without this diagnosis are ignored or treated as manipulative. providers are instructed to "withdraw warmth" (a real thing in the DBT provider's manual, btw) in response to self-injury or suicidal ideation.

if you have been dx'd with a personality disorder professionally, you likely understand this.

now, here's the important part: this is not an issue of 'stigma' against a politically neutral, pre-discursive True Disease which is being Unfairly Maligned. these diagnoses were formulated based on the idea that some patients cannot be trusted, that some patients seek care too much. they are applied to patient charts as a justification for withdrawing care or as a dismissal of someone "not getting better" fast enough. in the uk, they are often employed by the nhs to shame or problematize people who use large amounts of nhs resources, arguing that receiving a lot of care through the nhs is a negative behavior stemming from a disordered personality.

there are elements of personality disorders which resonate strongly with many people, including myself, but you need to be clear-eyed about the origins + functions of this diagnosis. as a whole, they were created + function as ways to discredit + mistreat noncompliant or "difficult" patients. 'reclaiming' them is not going to change how they function systematically- it is going to make it easier to engage in this systematic neglect by evoking 'ableism' or 'stigma!' when people question the utility or application of the diagnosis.

[whamss]

honestly it’s such a generic trope but i do genuinely love the concept of rose and kanaya flirting a lot with each other prior to dating, but never picking up on each others advances. both as an expansion of their pre-meteor/act 5 dynamic (lots of banter, slight mental warfare, two girls trying to see how long it takes the other to pick up what they’re putting down, flighty broads and their snarky horseshit, yadda yadda) and in the context of their miscommunication on their first date.

rose leaning on kanaya’s shoulder as she reads over a book about quadrants, and rose tells her that’s sooo interesting, she wonders if humans can engage in this stuff, and kanaya shuts her down with a vague Im Sure You Will Find Out Someday. kanaya making rose dozens of outfits, all lovingly designed, adjusting rose’s outfit when she puts it on and telling her that she wishes she could dress her like this all of the time, she’s never had a model quite like her, and rose is just like Well of course, if you ever have anything you’d like me to wear you’re welcome to invite me over. both of them die over these encounters later

something about rose and kanaya being confident enough to flirt w each other but too stupid to fully pick up on the Implications. always trying to tip the scale in their favor to force the others hand, never quite having the strength to outright admit that they like each other (until rose is shitfaced and stumbling). i think it’s a fun means to escalate their early banter as they become more acclimated to each other and develop Feelings.

[transmechanicus]

Since i'm a pent-up whore, can i just say that it's really fun to take advantage of ppl's prey response by baring your teeth and making your breath hot really close to their neck or behind their ears. Everyone i've done it to absolutely melts and it's so incredibly cute and makes me want to devour them whole <3

[happypeachsludgeflower]

What type of flower (weed) do you think Feng Xin would give Mu Qing as an apology gift whenever he pissed the other man off? I'm leaning towards common sowthistle, which is a native plant in China. It's obviously a thistle, but also looks like a dandelion, and is so very obviously not a flower to be giving in a bouquet (it's a thistle), that the concept of Feng Xin finding it on the side of the road and thinking, "Yes, this flower will make Mu Qing forgive me!" and then ripping a huge stalk from the ground with chunks of mud still caked to the roots (and covered in blood now because he absolutely shredded his hands in the processes) and returning to Mu Qing with his gift much like a cat proudly showing off its kill to its master is so fucking funny and yea okay I've convinced myself. Never mind about the question. Feng Xin is giving Mu Qing sowthistles.

[alackofghosts]

guide my life into destiny / and climb outside / reach up and paint the sky with me

[quatregats]

I had a definite melody for the verse of Hornblorbo song which I was sure had come from somewhere and I thought it might have been a random song on one of the mostly-new-music-for-me playlists about characters that I've been listening to a lot recently but no. It was "Zapalduen olerkia" by Ken Zazpi. (Not) diversity win 🥳🥳🥳

[microwave-core]

Something I love about the Zelda series is how Link and Zelda's relationship can change drastically in between games. Like, in Twilight Princess, the two don't really interact much outside of their first meeting. They have a mutual friend in Midna and that's it. There's not much there platonically, much less romantically. At most it's a "this is my girlfriend Midna and this is Midna's girlfriend Zelda" type of situation.

Then you have the next major release, Skyward Sword, where the two are most definitely in love with each other. They're so super into each other and almost everyone knows that. Unless I'm forgetting an entry, it's the closest zelink has come to being canon without them explicitly stating it's canon. And this dynamic comes after the game where they barely know each other. Love that for them.

[geraskierfanficprompts]

Con Sickness

Y'all it got me........ y'all i'm dyin............ y'all........................ read my will y'all i'm gon' be dead sooon........... bruh............. it's lethal....... fatal......................... terminal.....................................................................................................

[sweet-little-tank-top-number]

So.

Do you ever think about the fact that both Jack and Sam would have goa’uld implantation scars on the back of their necks?

And do you ever think about the fact that Sam’s neck scar happened while Jack was imprisoned by Ba’al?

When do you think Jack noticed her scar?

Do you think it might have been while he was detoxing from the sarcophagus? Do you think Sam might have been sitting with him while he detoxed, despite his protests? And do you think she was leaned over a laptop next to him in one of his more lucid moments? And maybe the infirmary light caught the scar on the back of her neck just so?

How do you think Jack reacted?

[shenrickyz]

MACHI

WELL maybe they've always been weird.. jeno guesses that's pretty rich now.

FEATURING ─ fhk, ljn, nct dream ensemble. WARNINGS ─ mentions of death, mistreatment, emotional abuse, denial of feelings, overuse of the word "weird", this goes backwards in time until the last scene. WORD COUNT ─ 6.2k NOTES ─ well well well! hello!! third jenhii work ever, oh i missed these homos, i feel like i havent been able to write in WEEKS and i started this to explain confusion because i mentioned that they kissed then i never elaborated on that 👍 anyway, two posts in one day is crazy.. but this has been in the drafts for almost two weeks soooo yeah, last scene is terrible dont read it!! (especially not @ jj because it might anger you) i feel terrible and im upset cause i might miss the marathon tmrw 😖 praying this cold is cured quickly 😞

jeno has a hunch for something, something that involves hikari.

and he can't explain it, but there's something happening, he feels something. maybe it's in the smile, his smile has always been pretty, a display of love that he wishes he could simply gatekeep from the rest of the world.

there's something about him, there it is, it isn't exactly the feeling in the air, it's how hikari makes him feel in his entirety.

jeno is completely unfocused, a muffled sound nearby, maybe it was chenle's endless chatter, a staff's phone ringing, mark's iphone, but jeno could care less. there's a tug at his hand, and he gets pulled away by someone, nothing but hikari on his mind.

he wonders if hikari can feel it too. he doesn't really think it matters, he'll never release it verbally, he will only ever show it through the actions he performs, he has no doubt about that.

but it's not like that matters anyway, because in one way or another, hikari will always be there.

(which if he thinks about it, he doesn't mind that too much).

—

it gets weird after jakarta.

which, in all honesty, is pretty expected. it's always just when things seem to be moving forward in hikari's life that something happens. he feels content with his place in the group, mikito has left him alone, he's grieving better, everything is fine.

everything was fine.

and maybe it's all jeno's fault, he initiated it, but if you were in such a position, could you help yourself?

friends don't kiss, it's the most abnormal thing a pair of two completely platonic best friends could do.

now hikari and jeno have never had a 'normal' friendship, maybe the affection is was much too sickly at times, but they never got to the point of kissing.

so yeah, they kissed and now their weird, weirder than usual. hikari's constant avoidance is the usual tactic, shifting eyes and scooting away is simply.. not subtle, but he isn't exactly trying to be.

hikari is just the slightest bit irritated, but if he is, he doesn't make it clear.

but that's how most things are with hikari, they're simply implied, not said.

thailand is next, and by the time the first show rolls around, the avoidance becomes much more natural.

so natural that it's strange, and not strange in the usual way hikari and jeno are.

and jeno can't handle it, it's clear that he can't either.

"hey".

hikari's eyes flitter upward, his hands beginning to fiddle at the jewelry which decorates his fingers. jeno had successfully cornered him against the wall, how amusing. he can't help his smile. "yes?"

"..are we good?" jeno can't find his voice, he instead whispers, the shouting of fans rendered useless to him.

hikari's smile reaches his eyes, it's almost too reassuring. his gaze softens, face scrunching as he removes his earpiece to be met with noise of the crowd. "yeah".

"you sure?" he simply needs reassurance, it's better to get that immediately than just walk on with no new words. hikari gives a chuckle, and jeno's bottom lip juts out. "i just need to know".

"yes jeno i'm sure" hikari replies, smoothing over his outfit with sweaty palms. "i was just.. thinking about it, don't worry, okay?"

so they won't talk about it. they aren't going to talk about kissing, they aren't going to talk about why it was reciprocated, they just won't.

hikari reaches downward to intertwine their fingers, an act of affection that's more of a silent agreement. "did you think i was mad at you?"

jeno's head tips down. "kinda".

not kinda, he really was afraid he'd just ruined his relationship with one of his groupmates forever.

and really, breaking his bond with hikari would've been one of jeno's biggest mistakes ever.

"wasn't mad, just surprised".

sometimes, jeno feels that hikari's too easygoing.

and it seems he can read his thoughts, because his hands squeeze in a show of inhumane strength. "don't worry about it".

unfortunately, jeno will just continue to worry, because what else can he do in a situation like this?

when hikari's fingers slip from his, there's an emptiness there, and maybe his smile is nice, yes, but there's still worry fizzling into the air.

okay, jeno's fibbing just a bit, it was weird even before jakarta, a month prior in osaka, it could've been considered weird.

it's not as strange as kissing your groupmate whilst on tour per say, but it still could be considered pretty.. not platonic-friend-like.

it's simply waking-up-your-groupmate-at-midnight-for-convenience-store-snacks weird, which isn't something jeno is exactly against.

"psst, jeno!"

jeno is usually a heavy sleeper, but again, hikari possesses some inhumane strength, because he quickly shakes him out of the slumber with little to no difficulty. "what? what happened? is the hotel on fire?"

jeno's syllables stick together, his words molding into something barely eligible. renjun stays fast asleep in his bed, completely oblivious. hikari's hands stay shoved in his pockets, his tongue sliding across his teeth. "i can't sleep.." he whispers in the lamp lit room, and jeno nods against the soft material of his pillow.

he hums, hand falling over his eyes, just barely blocking hikari from his view. the insomnia has simply become a norm for the older, jeno isn't even surprised. "sorry" he laughs, and hikari's breaths were short replies.

"do you wanna go to the convenience store?"

jeno cracks his left eye open, suddenly intrigued by the mention of the convenience store. his eyebrow raises, and hikari smiles once more. "at this time?"

"i wanna show you my favorite snacks".

courtesy of his bright convenience store knowledge, that's what hikari calls it anyway, jeno isn't really sure how it works. just the mere mention of convenience stores now makes jeno feel hungry, and snacks, really? well how does hikari expect for jeno to be able to turn that one down?

"are you sure?"

"well i'm paying".

jeno rises from his place in an amusing sense, drawing a short chuckle from the older. "in that case.."

hikari's eyebrow raise is one of offense, and jeno just barely snickers at the fact. "i'm joking.. swear!"

his eyes widen when the older slaps a hand over his mouth, his pointer finger motioning over to a still snoring renjun. "put on a heavy sweater, it's cold outside".

and in just a few minutes, the two were somehow able to escape hotel confines without being seen, hands naturally finding each other's once again.

"you really couldn't show me snacks in the morning?"

"we're only in japan for like.. two more days? might as well do this now".

"you ran out of melatonin" jeno mutters, face scrunching at the bright lights of the upcoming convenience store.

the accusation gets a momentary glare, but the older doesn't decide to argue with that one. it isn't even wrong, it's completely true.

jeno will just let hikari do all the talking, he's much too afraid of butchering words, so when hikari greets the cashier, he simply nods in fervor like a mind controlled robot.

"how are we supposed to hide these?"

hikari uncharacteristically snorts, staring down a particularly sweet pocky flavor. "you think we're gonna hide them?"

jeno's shrug is pretty undefined in itself. "how are we supposed to explain this? oh mark hyung we woke up at midnight to go get cookies and cream pocky! it was for a good cause!"

hikari's laughter is hidden behind his mountains of feigned solemnity. he opts to leave that one unanswered. "what do you want?"

jeno's lips press into a thin line. "i don't really know what any of these are.."

"well just choose something that looks appealing, i'll pay".

jeno's eyes dazzle immediately. "aww, are you treating me? this is like a date, right? it's all on you?"

the upturn of his lips is simply.. satisfying. "you were just complaining about mark hyung catching us".

"but you're paying!"

hikari squeezes jeno's lips shut, raising an inquisitive eyebrow at him. "hush, or i'm not getting you anything".

jeno's lips remained turned downward, just a little bummed out that their 'date' was ruined.

yeah, that's what it was, a date.

at this rate, jeno should probably be considered the worlds most consistent liar, because it's always been weird.

and weird in the sense that it all lingered for too long. the stares, the touch of hands, the hugs, the snickers. maybe once it was all normal, completely platonic with no sign of feelings in sight, but now?

it's just strange to say in your own head, what do you mean you might harbor something else for your groupmate? it's like over analyzing things, who just randomly has that thought one day? no normal person does, that's for sure.

and the thing with jeno is, he needs actual evidence. maybe see hikari's cheeks go red or something. hikari is naturally like that. he naturally looks after everyone with the prettiest smiles painted on his face, he naturally nags the members when they go without eating, it's a core part of who he is.

so it doesn't mean anything really, jeno can't exactly pout when hikari gives the other members attention, because that's just how he is.

it's never in the reverse order though.

"hiki hyung is not coming to practice today!"

the repetitive instrumental of candy paused as seojun strolls into the room with his shoes screeching loudly behind him, his arms folded over his chest. the rest of the members begin their murmurs immediately, mark chiming in from his place in the center; "is he okay?"

"he's sick, all cold symptoms!" the elder of the 02s waves his arms back and forth, clearing his throat.

"and he willingly decided to stay home?"

"he didn't" renjun buts in, ending up right beside seojun as the younger vigorously nods in agreement. "we literally had to trap him in his room, he was about to cough up his lungs and still saying that he was fine".

the scowl is nothing real, that's just a regular stubborn hikari action. jeno can't even recall how many times the older seemed on his last leg and still forced himself through practice, it's also a core part of his personality, gently gaslighting himself into thinking everything is fine.

'fine' is his buzzword, jeno's face scrunches whenever he hears it fall from his lips. it's become grating for him to even hear, just hearing renjun mimic his voice made his shoulders raise uncomfortably.

jaemin taps jeno's shoulder when he notices him disassociating, and jeno jumps at the touch. "you okay?"

jeno nods silently.

jaemin snickers, practically reading his mind. "he'll be fine".

jeno grimaces. "don't say that word".

jaemin's nudge is an affectionate gesture, his smile soft. "he won't die, okay? i know you miss him and all".

well jaemin knows best jeno guesses (somehow, he always seems to know).

seojun gets to his mission at trying to get a punch from chenle.. which means irritating him to the point that he runs away from the older and uses jisung as his shield. jeno can just barely laugh at his shenanigans, donghyuck makes a joke that doesn't land well and renjun scoffs, mark tells them to get out of it so they can continue practice.

but jeno doesn't exactly focus during practice. the dance is fine, hikari is simply the main thing on his mind. the fact that he was actually able to get convinced by someone to stay home is a revelation, he loathes missing practice, the perfectionist tendencies get to him so often that he would skip hospital visits to make sure he wouldn't miss practice.

so when jeno knocks on hikari's door later that evening, he doesn't exactly expect an answer.

he peaks his head in through the door, his lips unconsciously turning up at the sight of hikari's room. he simply loves how the air of it feels.

a short groan resounds from under a pile of blankets that hide some sort of.. figure in the middle of hikari's bed.

jeno scratches his cheek, silently giggling. "are you alive?"

in a stark movement, he throws the pile of blankets once settled on top of him, off of him, sucking his teeth as he covers his face with his hands. "i hate winter comebacks.."

jeno's pout is for the sake of hikari, who looks pretty terrible. his reddened skin stands out in stark contrast to his lighter complexion, jeno clears his throat, and the older presents his best smile, full of all the fatigue reminiscent of his own eye bags.

jeno steps in without any more words, closing the door of the room with his foot. "chicken noodle soup?"

hikari's laughter is sweet, even with the uncomfortable rasp of his voice. his eyes flitter up when jeno sits at the edge of his bed, his smile is too pretty. "did you make this?"

jeno's smile drops immediately, lips downturned. "no, jaeminie did, but! but! i was there on standby just in case something went wrong and the food started burning".

the suck of hikari's teeth proves to jeno that his half half half-truth was mostly bogus. "you barely turn on the oven, jeno".

"okay but i was still there! and besides, your sick, who better to bring you soup than me? your favorite person in the whole entire universe?"

"that one can be debated".

jeno's expression of defeat is simply priceless, and his pout is reminiscent of a sulking child. "don't deny it, you love me".

"i can love you without you being my favorite person in the whole entire universe".

"i could be though".

hikari simply sighs, staring down at the soup with clear indifference. "not sure if i can eat.."

"you have to".

hikari lightly scoffs. "i know".

it sits idly in jeno's lap, and when hikari reaches over to take it, their hands simply grace each others. jeno watches the movement, shaking himself out of it quickly when the older sighs.

"give jaemin my thank you's".

the words are mundane, but there's something else up, something on his mind that jeno can sense with a little whisper behind his ears. "if you need to take more time you can".

hikari stares, as if offended by such a suggestion. "i can't sit out of candy, i was already gone for.. like the whole year already? i missed the first days of the tour.. i'm out of hiatus months".

it's meant to be amused, but his tone of voice indicates that he probably believes them. jeno bites his cheek. "you had a family emergency".

he begins stirring with the spoon he barely even grasps. "they gave me four months, i took seven, and they clearly punished me for that one".

"grief doesn't just go away after a few months, you need to take it easy".

in a strange moment, hikari smiles, laughing at himself. "i need to be more present now, this cold isn't the end of the world".

but the comeback is next week.

jeno keeps his mouth shut. he seems to anticipate the next words, because he cuts him off instantly: "i'll be okay, alright? you know i will".

"do i?"

hikari narrows his eyes. "yes".

hikari seems to simply get the constant need for reassurance jeno possesses, hikari seems to simply get jeno as a whole.

it's simply nice to have a person like that.

hikari moves backward when jeno tries to get closer. "no hugs, i might kill you".

jeno tilts his head. "i'm invincible".

"yeah, but your hugs are like.. deadly".

now it's jeno turn to raise his eyebrows. "that's not true!"

"it is, you hug everyone like it's their last day on your earth" hikari can't help his smile as he touches on such a thing. "your affection is so.. aggressive".

"but it's nice aggression".

"i'm weak, jeno".

hikari again laughs at his own words, averting his eyes from jeno's face as to not fall victim to the puppy eye attack. "thank you, even though you didn't make any of the soup at all, i appreciate you".

well maybe jeno should just fall over then, he's so sweet, fuck the cold, jeno hopes it dies.

okay, too aggressive? maybe he should tone it down.

"it's nothing, rest okay, eight hours!"

hikari sucks his teeth again, and jeno gives him a look, causing for him to immediately soften. "fine, eight hours".

usually, the word 'fine' would make jeno scrunch up in discomfort. it's possibly one of the worst words hikari could ever use on a daily basis, but in this context, it's simply.. comforting. "you better, i'll be watching".

hikari's smile again reaches his eyes. it's a very pretty smile, jeno wants to see it all the time, it's simply better this way.

"okay".

"i'm your favorite person in the whole entire universe!"

and that was just a cheap shot, if only to get a laugh, but to also get another pretty smile.

is it really lying it jeno only realized that they've always been weird after the kiss? is it really jeno's fault for seeing everything differently after his actions?

well, no, he doesn't really think so.

right before glitch mode, hikari receives terrible news, news that fucks him up in a way none of the members have exactly seen before.

glitch mode is hikari's favorite project of the groups so far, he got to participate much more than he did in the past, he got much more singing time, he was just.. pleased with how everything was going.

but of course, nothing can ever really go his way.

retreating back into himself is easy, it's easy to do when your in a whole other country and have no idea how to healthily grieve.

four days, four days until glitch mode releases, and he's only just shrunk down even more. he's always been pretty quiet, but he pretty much hides from the members with his plastic smile.

and really, they all know what's going to happen.

jeno usually doesn't get sleepless often, but the strings of fate make him lurch up in his bed and begin stretching his arms.

he settles for a few moments, staring square at his blank wall.

then, he smells it.

ramen.

ramen, carbonara flavored ramen, at two in the morning.

and really, there's only one person who can be awake at this time. jeno would guess seojun if it was a regular day, but the other fell asleep with jisung in his room, so he's off the table. jaemin sleeps forever, and so does renjun, which means..

jeno isn't surprised when he shuffles into the kitchen and finds hikari right there.

hikari doesn't register him at first, playing with his chopsticks. jeno rubs his eyes, and the older finally glances up at him.

jeno's sigh is laced with humor. "ramen at two am?"

unfortunately for him, hikari doesn't laugh, simply gazes at his ramen with the head resting on his chest. "it's my coping mechanism".

jeno can see the red of his eyes, and his face drops a little too quickly. hikari just stares at the ramen before him, disassociating immediately. he's clearly very tired, jeno feels as if he's slowly slipping.

"you.. you haven't been sleeping right?"

"who cares?" he waves his chopsticks dismissively in the air. his chewing is silent, and his eyes attempt to flutter closed, but he keeps shaking himself awake. "sleep is useless".

jeno swallows down nothing, simply staring at the older. this is simply a little terrifying, hikari's eyes hold nothing, jeno tries to make out some emotion there, but he sees absolutely nothing. "are you okay?"

hikari's eye twitches, and he uncharacteristically smiles. "i like this color on you".

can't you just answer my question?

"hikari—"

"pink is nice" his words are a little muffled, but he makes it clear with the way he gazes. now there's seems to be something there, a deep affection that he only stares at jeno with. "you should go blonde next".

jeno clasps his hands together onto the table. "i guess i'll take that advice.."

hikari bites into his cheek, taking in a deep sigh. he stays stuck for a moment, silence cutting so deep he may as well fall over currently. he rubs his eyes, humming. "i don't know if i should cry or not".

jeno's frown is permanent, he urges for the older to continue, and he watches the way hikari bats his lashes. "i was given four months, i need to make sure my mom is okay, yuto, manami, god i hate my dad but—" he covers his face with his hands. "wish i could turn back time or something.."

"is four months enough for you?"

his shrug is full of nothing, and he rolls his eyes. "don't know, going home is.. difficult" he smooths his fingers over his rings, eyes again flitting upward to look over at jeno. "i don't want to miss promotions but i probably wouldn't get through them anyway".

"i'll go to the airport with you".

hikari's chuckle is breathless, even when he laughs he looks breathtaking. he's tired, yet he still finds the reply cute. "it's cause you'll miss me so much right?"

jeno nods so quickly that he's afraid it might fall off. hikari snickers as he ruffles his hair, tease on the tip of his tongue. "of course, you're just trying to flatter me".

jeno practically leans into his hand, the feeling is comfortable. "flattery looks nice on you" he mumbles, glancing up at him with eyes simply full of devotion. "sucks you have to leave now, i know you really like this album".

hikari simply sighs. "i'll watch your fancams to support you" he slides the plate of ramen closer to both of them. when he earns an incredulous look from jeno, he snorts, looking down at the floor.

"just mine?"

he decides to leave that one unanswered.

jeno leans onto the older, eyes closing, cheeks tinted a pink color. hikari's fingers stay busy in his hair, but he isn't exactly all relaxed. "you didn't answer my question.."

he looks up expectantly, but the other simply stares ahead. "no, i'm not okay".

jeno gazes up. was that honesty? his smile drops, but the older again chuckles. "loss is normal, i'll get through it, alright?"

jeno doesn't answer, simply nods. hikari raises an eyebrow, and he smooths a thumb over jeno's cheek. "when are you leaving?"

"the twenty sixth".

oh.. well that's two days away, jeno forgot about that one. his teeth sink into his bottom lip. "you need a break".

hikari doesn't seem to agree with that, but he doesn't argue. "you have to go to sleep".

he stops touching jeno, and the younger feigns normalcy, even if he misses the feeling of the older running his fingers through his hair. his gaze stills, and he clears his throat. "i can wait for you".

"it's two twenty four".

jeno blinks, then smiles a wide smile. "i don't care".

and hikari snickers again, hiding his face behind his eyes.

—

busy airports would usually bother jeno if not for the reason he was here.

xuwicha nags hikari like the motherly figure he is, his nature reminiscent of how hikari acts towards the dream members, and zixin almost kills him with the tightness of his hug. hikari almost cries.. twice, he has to take constant deep breaths to hold back the tears, but zixin bursts into tears, having to be dragged away by the 96 liner.

makani is the least emotional of the three, but he still gets pretty down as he says his goodbyes. his hugs are affectionate, even if it necessarily isn't his thing.

minjae can't come say goodbye, he still has an injury that renders him hospitalized, but hikari made sure to visit him the whole entire week, chastising him so he could take care of himself.

seojun doesn't speak much, simply wishes him the best of luck and leaves it at that, jisung rests a steady hand on his back, but he says nothing.

renjun's bracelets, jaemin's kisses, and chenle's jokes aside, hikari manages to keep himself from crying. donghyuck takes the most time, practically choking hikari in his arms, but he just took it as it was, making sure to laugh.

"take care of yourself please" mark shakes his shoulders, leveling at him with a stare hikari shares with everyone when he reminds them to eat three meals a day. "i'm serious" hikari looks down at the floor, humming as mark continues to shake him gently.

jeno remains silent, biting his bottom lip. hikari shoves his hands into his pocket, rocking back and forth on his heels. he pauses for a moment, lips pressed into a thin line.

"jeno" he calls softly, his hand extending outward. "come".

jeno blinks dumbly, as if hikari is speaking another language. he only unfreezes at the sound of donghyuck's distinct snicker, and he blushes as he laces his hands with hikari's, the two beginning to walk forward.

"seojunie is sad" hikari looks down, his own eyes holding their own weight of dejection. he sucks his teeth, using his free hand to again sling his bag over his shoulder.

"everyone is sad" jeno mutters, a small breath falling from his lips. "i think he might cry.."

hikari glances over at jeno, then smiles. "he won't, he's just a little gloomy, i'll only be gone for four months".

(knowing what the future is, hikari greatly underestimated his own words).

he settles into the feeling of holding his hand, the cold of his rings clashing against jeno's knuckles. it'll be a long time before he can do something like this again, he takes in everything he's currently feeling.

jeno stays silent, yet he earns a nudge from the older. "you also sad?"

"kinda".

not kinda, a lot.

jeno keeps it to himself.

hikari hums, squeezing his hand. "i'm just a phone call away".

"phone calls don't really compare".

the older sighs, clicking his tongue. "i'll be okay, you know i will" he lets go of jeno's hand, and the other has half a mind to take it again. "i'll watch the countdown live, i swear".

jeno nods, but he doesn't exactly care about that, he simply stares. "i don't.." he takes a pause, collecting his next few words. "i love you".

jeno isn't exactly sure why he says it, but maybe he just needed to tell him. hikari knows, yes, but there's nothing wrong with reminding someone of your love for them.

hikari snickers, shaking his head. "i love you too".

jeno stops for a moment, but he then steps forward and wraps his arms around the older, taking in a deep breath. "be safe okay?" he whispers, and hikari nods, head resting onto his chest.

hikari kisses his teeth, blinking away any upcoming tears. he clears his throat, cursing at himself for getting emotional. he looks away for a moment, smiling again. "i will, um.. i'll call you when i get there".

his smile is full of amusement, and he again averts his gaze away from jeno, who he can't bear to look at in the current moment. "say hi to your family for me".

hikari nods. "i will".

and jeno isn't exactly sure why, but he smiles as he watches hikari walk away.

maybe the kiss flipped a switch of some sort, jeno simply thinks hikari is.. strange.

he's strange in a good way, his smiles are bright, his snickers are warm, and maybe pretty is just a good word to describe him, it's perfect.

and yeah it's always been weird. since before jakarta, osaka, candy era, glitch mode era. maybe we young was it began, the fleeting stares and lingering touches, or it could've been go, that era was when they shared a room for a time.

but if you gave jeno an ultimatum, completely erasing the events of jakarta from his mind, boom era was especially strange.

hikari liked boom, he probably considered it their best title track at the time. the era wasn't exactly the best, but he kept up smiles enough that no one really suspected anything.

renjun saw through them in an instant, it took jeno a while, but it eventually became too fake for him to not notice.

there was a time during boom era where they almost kissed, but it was such a tiny hint that it wasn't until a few weeks after that jeno realized what kind of a moment they had.

it was a little bit of a party, the 00 line gathered together in the dorms to drink in celebration of boom promotions being a success. they had, though not seamlessly, booted the three youngest out of the dormitory, underage drinking is a huge no!

hikari didn't necessarily enjoy the taste of alcohol, or drinking for that matter, but he participated for the sake of inclusion. he also participated to make sure none of them would do something that could probably kill them, his first instinct is to always look after the others after all.

jeno gets pretty clingy when drunk, seeing as how he practically crushed renjun's bones with his hugs. it'd only been a good two hours, yet jeno had transformed into a completely different person.

"hiki!" the older startled when jeno came out of nowhere, wincing as the younger squeezes him with an indescribable amount of strength. "you love me right?"

his expression faltered for a moment, but then there was a soft snicker. he blinked, then his nose scrunched. "of course".

jeno's smile widens in a way that should be humanly impossible, yet his grip just again tightens, hikari's teeth grinding against one another in a show of his strength. "you hug too tight".

jeno nuzzled against the older, hikari's hand coming to caress his hair in repetitive ministrations. "how much?"

curse at jeno or whatever, but he's a man who needs reassurance!

(actually, it's less of the need for reassurance and more of him completely loving hearing hikari express his love for him).

"do i really need to speak in specific?"

"so you don't love me?"

though drunken rantings can occasionally be amusing, hikari was tired, his head was beginning to pound, even with the minimal drinking he did.

jeno rose from his place kneeling on the floor, catching the older off guard and making him stumble backward. hikari almost loses his balance, but jeno keeps him steady enough that he doesn't fall on his face.

"okay, maybe we should go to sleep now".

jeno pouts, sighing loudly in an over dramatic manner. "you don't love me! i knew it! nana hiki doesn't love me!"

"don't say that, i do" hikari replies soffly, his gaze replicating the words which leave his lips. "you've just drank too much, maybe get some water, you'll complain in the morning".

jeno doesn't respond to that one, keeping himself against hikari as the older takes him over to his room, the younger giggling. "you're strong".

"i'm not carrying you, were both just walking.." hikari's eyes barely keep themselves open, they almost flutter shut midway through their walk.

"you are a good person" jeno giggles, the smell of alcohol on his breath just makes it past hikari, but he doesn't comment on it. hikari merely hums, though the words fizzle into the air, he still listens.

"you need to let go sometimes, you do good for dream, you—" jeno hiccups before he continues, holding in his upcoming burps. "—you shouldn't be so hard on yourself, mark hyung is proud of you".

hikari blinks, sitting jeno down onto his bed. the other doesn't stop with his continuous rambling though: "you're a good leader".

the older snorts. "i'm not a leader".

"you are, kinda, mostly.. i don't know how to explain it, you care, that's enough of a leader trait".

hikari stares, taking in the drunk rant and overthinking quite literally all of it. his shoulders raise into a shrug of confusion, and he settles right beside the other, motioning for jeno to lay down. "i can't have that responsibility, i'd hate it".

"you already do it, you just don't realize it" jeno says, a lazy smile overtaking his features. he stares endlessly, hands finding purchase on hikari's thighs. a frown tugs at hikari's lips, and jeno immediately raises an eyebrow. "you love me right?"

maybe jeno is simply crazy, but he couldn't help himself in the moment. he thought hikari looked especially pretty at the time, and seeing him not smiling made things feel a bit strange. he almost leaned forward in a point of.. well, something, but hikari squeaked and leaned backward in an immediate reaction, opting to chuckle in reply.

"okay, now it's time to go to sleep" he lays jeno down onto his bed, sighing as he again settles into the feeling of his headache. "i'll give you medicine in the morning".

"i love you hikari" jeno spontaneously blurts, waving a dismissive hand in the air as he snuggles against his pillow.

the older snickers, immediately looking away. "uh huh, i love you too".

he never mentions it.

actually, they do talk about kissing.

the way the two decide to go about it is as subtle as it is careless, the references almost give them away, but hikari is smart, he doesn't say much, just enough that he can get his point across to jeno.

they finally talk about it in manila, but again, subtlety is how they get through it.

"you were mad at me" jeno states, picking at his fingernails. hikari slaps his hands away from each other, gaze again averted as he looks out the window. "admit it".

"i wasn't, i was just pretty taken aback" when hikari glances again, jeno's arms are folded over his chest. he raises an eyebrow, then snickers at the image.

"i still feel like you're mad" he whispers. it's a strange conversation, a strange conversation between a pair of friends who kissed two months ago then didn't really talk about it in specific.

exactly, it's weird.

"when was the last time i got mad about something?"

it's a pretty good question, jeno already knows the answer to that one. it could all just be confusion, the act of feeling uncertain with.. everything. he places his hands into his lap, staring dead at the older. "you don't get mad in a regular way, you get mad silently, it's not that you act angry, you just overthink things and distance yourself".

hikari's face immediately drops, maybe the truth is simply too much to bear. he doesn't decide to show it, he instead bites into his cheek. "that doesn't mean i was mad".

"but you were upset".

hikari sighs. "a little".

he sinks downward and sits beside jeno, continuing to stare out of the window at the night sky. his hands flatten against the floor, and he unconsciously straightens his posture. he notices jeno fidgeting in his peripheral vision, and he sucks his teeth. "usually, kissing is something that friends don't do".

"i know".

"so why'd you do it then?"

the question might be dumb, because the answer pretty much hangs in the air. hikari's left eye twitches at the drag of his tone, but his gaze stays still on jeno.

jeno decides to shrug, maybe he won't give anything away.

wait.. what exactly is he afraid of giving away? is there something to give away?

"i don't know".

jeno would come up with some excuse if he were talking to another member, most people would say that 'i don't know' isn't a valid answer, but it's hikari's main answer for many things, so he know there won't be judgement there.

"did you lose control or something?"

jeno pauses at the strange reference, yet he silently laughs. "i guess you could say that.."

"wow, am i that pretty?"

oh jeno couldn't put it in enough words.

but that isn't exactly the reason either.

"..yeah".

"you're good at flattery".

jeno clears his throat at that, scratching his arm. "it's not.. i guess it's weird".

"well kissing sometimes ruins friendships".

not sometimes, it mostly ruins friendships. jeno isn't stupid, he was just being impulsive. his mind had gone blank and he saw an especially pretty person in front of him, he wasn't.. thinking.

it's not like jeno likes hikari like that..

he thinks at least.

"it's not like i have a crush on you.." he laughs at his own words, parroting the whispers of his own mind.

there's a falter in his eyes, the indifference once there becomes much more of a sting, but if he realizes what he has painted over his features, he quickly shakes his head to snap himself out of it. "of course".

the silence in the room taunts jeno, but hikari is quick to smile again. "just don't fall in love with me, okay?"

it's a bit of a double edged sword, hikari is putting a strange offer on the table. it could be classified as hypocritical in a sense, both hikari and jeno have clearly already crossed that line, they're both guilty as charged, yet he speaks such words anyway.

but for some reason, jeno nods. "alright, i'll hold you to that".

he won't, he knows he won't.

hikari and jeno have always been weird, really, the two just never mentioned it until after a specific moment in time where one of them let it slip.

jeno will let himself believe that everything will stay normal after this, it's easier than coming to terms with how he (both him and hikari in a more general sense) feels.

[pochapal]

turns out it wasn't covid but actually strep throat that killed my kidneys (by attacking kidneys/an immune system most likely already weakened by covid)

[h-ypno]

Real things doctors have said to me this month.

[stained-glass-cicada]

cool time to say more insane shit

feel like sayer could adapt to night vale's whole shit like

"buh-du-Dum LOW LEVEL ALERT: residents are reminded that dogs and dog owners are not allowed in the dog park. Additionally Howard young, the disgraced software developer, was spotted huddling behind a dumpster in the barista district, witnesses said-"

[gomzdrawfr]

Having the worst migraine ever

[thedeafprophet]

trying to stay positive in the face of continuous inability to get even liquids down without discomfort is becoming more and more draining ngl