#at the time i thought it was covid from starting uni

[pochapal]

turns out it wasn't covid but actually strep throat that killed my kidneys (by attacking kidneys/an immune system most likely already weakened by covid)

[corvid-language-library]

A life-changing moment

I was thinking the other day about how I came to be in Japan, and how my life could've been so very different had I not gone with my brother on the day he left for university.

You see, I had no interest in going to uni at age 16. Mostly because I was severely depressed and figured I wasn't going to make it to the end of my teens. My plans largely revolved around my band getting famous, or getting a book published, or being discovered by some acting talent scout (despite having exactly zero talent for acting) or something. I hated school and the thought of doing more school just sounded unbearable. My brother was the clever, academic one; not me. So when I went with him that morning in late September, I didn't expect anything to change.

Except I fell in love with the place. It wasn't school; it was a whole new world, with a lake and stunning architecture and gardens and people walking around in the kind of clothes I got bullied for wearing. So I did a complete 180 and decided (much to my father's despair) that I did want to go to uni after all.

While I was at uni, I made friends from all walks of life. All corners of the world. Specifically, Norway.

A couple of years later, I decided I missed being able to speak a second language (my French had been pretty good years before, but I'd forgotten most of it by that point). It was a toss-up between German, Norwegian and Finnish. German because I already knew some, had a cousin living in Cologne and figured it would be useful. Finnish because my music and pole dance idols were Finnish. Norwegian because I had a handful of friends I met at uni from Norway. I decided I wasn't that passionate about German, which left Finnish and Norwegian.

I decided on Finnish.

Went to the bookstore ready to start my journey. I went to the language section and... not a single book on Finnish. But there was a single Teach Yourself Norwegian book. And so, I picked that up instead, and thus started my Norwegian journey.

Fast forward a little and I find myself on langblr. I make lots of langblr friends and even, for a time, run a semi-popular blog. Norwegian was my one true love, of course; nothing could change that. Until someone I'd admired for years started learning Japanese. It was a language I'd always been somewhat interested in but completely adamant I could never learn because it's "too difficult". But seeing her study it made me curious. "Maybe I'll just try to learn some hiragana," I told myself.

If you've known me long enough, perhaps you'll remember that phase I went through where I completely denied I was learning Japanese. "I'll get bored of it," I kept saying. "It's fun right now because I'm in the beginner stage, but as soon as I have to put effort into it I'll give up."

And then I bought a nice notebook and a Japanese textbook and I started making flashcards and practising kanji. Oops.

Covid happened. I started teaching English online because I couldn't teach pole from home and I needed a new source of income. I liked it, but I hated being stuck behind a desk. I wanted to teach in a real classroom. I knew the possibility of getting a TEFL job in Norway was next to zero, especially with Brexit and all. But Japan...

And so I looked into it. And now I'm here.

I wonder how different my life would have been had I, on that unassuming Sunday morning in late September, opted to stay at home and play video games. Would I have ever gone to visit my brother at uni? Probably not; I didn't drive, and that's the year my mum got cancer and I got my first boyfriend, so it's not like I'd have had much inclination to go visit. And had I not seen that campus for myself, would I ever have gone to uni? Would I have made Norwegian friends? Would I have chosen to study Norwegian? Would I have stumbled upon langblr? Would I have made the same langblr friends? Would I have felt inspired to just try learning Japanese?

Maybe I would've found a different route here. Maybe I'd have found myself somewhere completely different.

It seems so silly to think that my life-changing moment was, actually, just the choice to leave the house one day. And yet.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say here, if anything at all. Perhaps all I'm trying to say is that life-changing moments don't just come up to you and punch you in the face; they're the result of long chains of actions that spiral wildly out of control, all starting from an unassuming Sunday morning when you decided to leave the house instead of rotting at home.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for enabling my friend's weird relationship with an older man?

It's not my (22F) place to judge her, especially since my friend, R (21F), and I had drifted apart ever since covid and we're just now rekindling our friendship, but, listen.

She met her boyfriend at the age of 18, and even back then she wouldn't disclose his age to me properly, but I'm pretty sure he was about 33 then. It didn't really sit well with me, but it's her life and her choices so I supported her through it. Of course, their relationship developed when we drifted apart and they actually made a pretty normal, functional couple for all I know.

But recently, one of her professors in uni, who's around his late 40s and that she had always thought of as attractive, started buying her gifts (usually small things but he's gotten her stuff for over 100 bucks too) and eventually confessed to her that he's deeply in love with her.

This happened after we got back together friend-wise so I got all the details. For starters it happened in class, during their private lessons. And what I saw as love bombing, aka him telling her how much he loved her all the time and doing things for her without asking, she thought was a man crazy in love with her.

At first I thought she was uncomfortable and tried to console her but turns out she's more than fine with it and is enjoying it and any attempts at painting him the bad guy (me saying it's weird considering their dynamic) was shut down instantly and she reminded me of how respectful and kind and in love with her he is and how he just can't control his love for her and that's why he's so persistent.

Apparently her parents caught wind of it too, and have started asking questions about the mans behaviour which pisses her off.

And here's where I might be the asshole and a really bad friend: Although I agree with everything her parents say about how that man (how he is suspicious and his behaviour is weird), I keep taking her side and pretending that they're overreacting and she's an adult (which I mean she is) and can decide for herself what's right for her. I feel like I'm enabling her by agreeing to all she says despite my inner thoughts being very, very different than what I'm saying.

My only excuse for this is that she's not the type of person to take me going after that particular choice well. That's why she hid the age of her boyfriend from me back then too. And especially since my thoughts mirror her parents thoughts. If she knew she'd be furious with me or even ice me out about it.

I don't believe she'd stop seeing him even if I told her anyway, but it still feels like I'm enabling her by pretending this is good.

so AITA?

[sunshine-theseus]

Put Your Head On My Shoulder | Jessie Fleming x Reader

Words: 4k Summary: you and jessie go through many ups and downs but things work out in the end Warnings: angst, fluff, mentions of depression and taking medication for it, covid didn’t happen, pretending the game vs real madrid was at Stamford bridge not in Spain

Jessie Fleming and I met at the 2015 world cup, both freshly 17 and competing in our first big tournament. Despite the fact we didn’t play each other, I found myself stumbling into her on the sidelines of Canada’s game against The Netherlands. Words were exchanged but we didn’t see each other again until the next year.

We knew we were both on athletic scholarships for the Bruins at UCLA and promised to try and meet outside of training to keep in contact without sport. It was surprising however, when my box was knocked out of my hands as I crashed into the young Canadian, both of us trying to enter the same room. She was clearly struggling to see over her own stuff, stumbling over words as her cheeks flush a very familiar red, trying to apologise.

“J, if you say sorry one more time I’m asking for a new roommate. Which I had no idea we were until now.” I crouch to pick up my books and writing equipment that was in my box as Jessie tries to manoeuvre to her decided side of the room.

I give up and rush to help her when she stumbles over her own foot and nearly goes flying.

“Jessie! You’re going to break something before the season even starts Jesus Christ be careful!” my hands gripped her waist tightly to stop her from tilting forward, then I grab the top box so she can actually see. The same red blush covers her cheeks.

“Sorry, my mum just insisted I try to take all my stuff in as little trips as possible, which is proving to be difficult. I’m sorry about your books.” With her stuff firmly on the ground she finally looks as me.

“They put the Australian and the Canadian in the same room knowing we just basically kicked you out of the Olympics?”

“You did not!” the joke was rare coming from her. She was funny and kind but still rather serious and shy, preferring studying statistics and players over team bonding or spending time with people after a game.

I understood that, I felt that, and that’s how we worked. Us against the world. We trusted our team and confided in them, but we’d really only want each other in times of need. Obviously there were people like Sam or Christine, who were like our big sisters for our respective national teams, but Jessie and I were just drawn to each other.

-

After UCLA came Chelsea. Both of us were about to start our last year of uni when her offer came through, far before mine.

By this point we’d been inseparable for four years, so I worried we’d be split; her making the move to England and me stuck in our dorm. Except it’d be much emptier and lonely, or filled with some stranger’s things.

And it was just like that. Time zones caused issues with keeping in contact. Eventually that became other things. Study, because she still had to finish her course. Team bonding, practice. What would be a call once a day became once a week until it filtered out, and her texts would be answered in seconds while mine sat in wait for whenever she decided she was free.

My offer came in the January transfer window. Emma had been in contact with me for a couple months, clearly trying to convince me, and 6 months ago I wouldn’t have even thought about it. But when I stare at the ‘merry Christmas’ and ‘I got the offer’ messages left unread and think about seeing the girl I thought would never leave me, I take the time offered.

And a week later I find myself sliding into Sam’s spare room groaning into the pillow as she fusses over the Australian snacks I did manage to get through customs.

“What’s got you in a mood chickadee?” I feel the bed dip beside me and her hand rubs my back.

“J.” the older Australian lets out a hum before taking a moment to reply.

“She talks about you all the time. About how much she misses you and everything you got up to at uni. All of which I already know because I hear it every camp.” I can feel the joking eye roll despite not seeing it.

“She talks about me but doesn’t talk to me. That means nothing. And I know she’s busy but so was I. Just because I was captaining a university team instead a stupid professional team doesn’t mean I wasn’t busy or doing something important! And I still kept in contact!” by now I’ve rolled over onto my back and started fiddling with Sam’s tattooed fingers, trying to distract myself from the pit of loneliness and despair that’s been slowly eating my stomach.

I dare not mention to anyone the decline in my mental health or the required psychology sessions Emma was going to provide for me once every few weeks. Everyone knew I was sad and that’s all they needed to know. But once upon a time, Jessie would have known everything, holding my hand tightly the whole way.

“You should sleep, big first day tomorrow. I’ll make you breakfast. Alarm-”

“8:30, I know. Every day, same time. Thank you Sam, really.” She smiles and pats my head before leaving.

-

To say my first day didn’t go well would be somewhat of an understatement. At exactly 8:30 my alarm went off. At 8:32, the pill bottle rattling at the bottom of my bag was fished out and 1 was being washed down by water. At 8:43, Sam was banging on my door calling for breakfast and I was rushing to make sure the pill bottle was hidden after changing. No one needs to know I’m taking anti-depressants, including Sam.

When we pulled into Cobham, I started to feel sick, and I told Sam just that.

“I’ll catch a train home.”

“It’s just nerves, you’ll be fine.”

“No-”

“You stay until at least lunch time, then we’ll see.” A pointed finger is shoved into my face, but I begin to stroll alongside her anyway.

I do almost book it for the nearest train station as soon as I enter the locker room. Sitting in the cubby next to mine, tying her shoelaces, is Jessie Fleming. During the chaos of the move and my first day, I manage to forget the way our numbers are right beside each other.

“You’ll be okay. You don’t even have to talk to her.” Sam whispers as she makes her way to her own cubby, greeting people on her way through.

So I try. Placing my bag in the nook and beginning to change into my training kit without the Canadian even looking up. It’s when I place down the same styled Tiempo Legend 8s I’ve been wearing since they released, that I can see her head turn from the corner of my eye. I don’t acknowledge it, continuing to slide the boots onto my feet and tie them up. But that doesn’t stop her.

“Oh my god! Hey!” there’s a lightness in her voice that I used to be so familiar with and it makes my heart clench.

I take a moment before deciding replying would be too rude for my liking.

“Hi.” Short and simple, and quite blunt.

“I didn’t know you signed, or that you even got the offe-” forget being nice.

“You would’ve known if you bothered to keep in contact with me.” With that I slide out of my seat beside her and make my way to Sam.

-

It gets worse when Emma splits us into pairs for dribbling drills, and she slides me toward Jessie.

“Of course.” I sigh but accept my fate as a ball rolls our way.

“What’s wrong?” a phrase that, coming from her mouth, used to have me spilling every small emotion I was feeling.

“Doesn’t matter.”

“Come on Beans, tell me.” The nickname had been created in our first year of university. She learnt I loved green beans and I’m rather tall, so the name fit. But she didn’t feel like the same person who I let make the funny name.

“You don’t get to call me that anymore.”

“What? Because I moved?”

“No! You left for Chelsea and I was happy for you, we had a plan to stay in contact until I followed along to somewhere in England. But you stopped trying. You stopped answering. You left me alone when I needed you the most. I would’ve done anything for you to have the career you deserved but you got it, without me. I just thought I’d still have my best friend when it happened.”

To say that training was tense from then on wasn’t a stretch. Emma never paired us up and any time one of us entered the locker room, everyone else would wait in silence for a burst similar to the one on the pitch. It never came.

It was after my first session with the psychologist that things began to change.

Because the psych was only here for me, Emma was kind to lend her office to us for the 50 minutes while she did other work around the grounds. I assume the girls were grateful to escape the tension for the moment.

“Same time, 2 weeks from now! It’s good you’re making progress!” The rather lovely lady shouts just as I’m closing the door, waving and smiling in thanks.

But as I turn around, I nearly bump into a small figure. A rather familiar one at that. Jessie begins to fall backwards but I grip her waist, holding her in place. It’s a familiar scenario, the feeling of my hands on her waist and her burning red cheeks are something I struggled to ever forget.

“T-thanks” her cheeks burn that same red.

“No worries.” I mumble in reply as I remove my hands, taking a step back.

“Who were you talking to? That didn’t sound like Emma. And what are you making progress on?” the questions don’t come rapidly but I still struggle to process them. Jessie’s smart, she can put two and two together, so I should tell her. But what if she laughs? There was a time where the thought wouldn’t have even crossed my mind, she’s not that type of girl. But things change.

“I- I-” Jessie places a gentle hand on my arm and nods, confirming it’s okay to take my time, but please continue. I sigh.

“She’s a psychologist.”

“A sport psychologist?”

“Well yes and no. I… I’ve been diagnosed with depression, and Emma wants me to have someone professional to talk to.” Her grip tightens but I know it’s in concern.

“When- when did you…”

“A couple months ago. Don’t worry, it wasn’t just because of you, a lot of things happened.”

“But it was partially because of me. I wasn’t there for you when I should’ve been. You’ve always been there for me and I got here and treated you like shit. Discarded you like you were nothing. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” tears well up in her whisky brown eyes, but I smile.

“J, if you say sorry one more time, I’m asking for a new roommate for the away match against Man City. Which I did know we are… for once.”

“You can’t just forgive me.”

“I’m not, it’ll take time, but I want my best friend back. Sprout.” Jessie charges forward and wraps her arms around my waist.

“I’d do anything.” Her voice is muffled as her head presses into my chest, but I smile.

~~~~~

Things changed once again a few months after that. The 2020 Olympics had been delayed due to natural disasters, but we still found ourselves milling around the Olympic village together in our very little spare time. I also found myself admiring her for every little thing, every detail. Eventually I had to admit to myself that I’d developed a crush on the girl.

“What’s going on in that busy brain of yours?” Jessie had been by my side every step of the way with my mental health after she found out, and this question wasn’t uncommon, but the answer would be.

“I know this could ruin things, I’m very aware of that, but I have to tell you now otherwise I don’t think I’ll ever have the courage to.” Gaging her reaction was difficult, Jessie was a very stoic person.

“I-, I’ve found myself growing feelings for you. Feelings that surpass best friends, or how I feel when you show up for me. I like you, a lot. And I need you to know that. Standing in the middle of a pathway surrounded by half naked athletes in Olympic Village, I like you.” I look her in the eyes. Those burnt umber eyes, so warm and comforting, that always draw me in.

“I really like you too. Everything about you. I want to care for you and be there when you need me. I want to wake up in your arms and be able to admire every feature as the sun beams down on you like the miracle you are. I would even go as far as saying I desperately want to be your girlfriend.” I barely let Jessie finish what she’s saying before I lean down, a significant way, and kiss her with everything in me.

~~~~~

2 and a half years later and Jessie hasn’t left my side since. Most of our quarrels are just that, silly fights that are solved by the end of the night. We moved in together after 3 months and were rarely been seen apart.

That included tough games.

Real Madrid was our first game of the Champion’s League season, and we knew it was going to be hard. They were physical most importantly, so we had to play to that. We knew that when we were up 2-1 in the 78th minute.

“Jessie Fleming challenges Athenea Del Castillo, barley missing the ball and clipping Athenea on the foot! Oh, and the ref is calling for a penalty. I’m certain first contact was outside the box.” Is what would be heard by anyone watching the match through a screen, but you didn’t need a commentator to know the ref made an unfair call.

The contact was clearly outside the box and yet we’re forced to line up and watch Olga Carmona take the wrongly rewarded shot, me grasping Jessie’s hand in my own as a way to reassure her.

It’s obvious the referees are against us when Niamh makes a shot on goal, the ball sliding in, but it’s claimed offside. Something to do with Sam supposedly messing with the defence, another false claim. There’s nothing we can do when the final whistle blows and we’re tied, all of us dropping to the ground in exhaustion and disappointment.

After shaking hands with the Madrid players and briefly talking with Hayley to catch up and talk about things that happened between our last camp and now, I travel toward Jessie.

My girlfriend stands solemnly with her head in her hands. I managed to pull them away momentarily to see the tears drifting down her cheeks, but she’s pulling her hands away and turning around before I can ask what’s wrong.

“Darl, it’s not you’re fault.” I don’t want to invade her space while she’s upset so I walk around her and simply stand, hoping she’ll reach for me.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Jess-”

“Leave me alone Y/n.” not another word is uttered as she turns toward Fran and Niamh and walks away from me.

I similarly turn to Sam and Erin, with a shocked look, jaw hanging and rejected tears looming on my water line.

“She probably just needs to be alone.” As Erin tries to comfort me, we all turn to look at the subject of the conversation, only to see her being comforted by Fran, Niamh and Ashley, despite her effort to insist she’s fine.

“Maybe I didn’t push hard enough?”

“No you should never push when they clearly need space.” Sam places a reassuring hand on my shoulder

“But why is it only me she needs space from? I’m supposed to be the one she seeks comfort in. That’s what girlfriends do.”

“I don’t know chickadee.”

-

I expect Jessie to already be back at our apartment by the time Erin drops me off. Our shared car had been taken from the parking lot at the stadium and Jessie had disappeared, so those dots connected themselves. But our designated parking space is empty as I stroll along the bitumen.

There are no familiar white shoes next to the door in the same exact spot she puts them every day, no kit bag hanging on a hook, waiting to be washed tomorrow. No Canadian waiting in our bed, curled up in one of my already oversized shirts or hoodies and shorts, begging me to hold her.

I try not to worry when I call her and she doesn’t pick up. Maybe she went the long way and there was traffic? So I call Niamh to ask her if she knows where Jessie went. She doesn’t have an answer. Then I try Fran, and Zecira, and even Emma.

I ask everyone to try and call her too, Sam offering to take Kristie and search every corner of London, Erin offering the same. It’s midnight by the time I give up trying to contact her, asking Aggie if I could borrow her car tomorrow to look around if she wasn’t back, her living down the road from us. The young forward is insistent on joining me if it comes to it.

When I wake up the next morning and find Jessie curled up against me, in one of my hoodies and shorts, relief washes over me. Her brown curls are messy, her soft pink lips cracked open to allow air into her lungs. The sun trickles in through the curtain and lights up her face, freckles looking like bursts of light against her skin. Her eyes are still puffy from last night and tears have dried upon her cheeks, and I can’t resist the urge to reach up and lightly wipe them away.

As my thumb drags across her tan skin, tracing her face, her eyes flutter open, and I remember how easy it is to get lost in them. So warm and inviting.

“Mornin’ honey.” I press a gentle kiss to her nose, her cheeks, her forehead and her eyelids.

“I’m sorry for last night. I just felt horrible, if only I didn’t make the tackle.”

“I know darl, but that’s what I’m here for. I love you, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you yeah? I was bloody worried though.” Jessie nestles her head into the crook of my neck and nods, pressing her own kisses on any skin she could reach.

I wrap my arms around her and pull her up until she’s laying on my chest instead. My cold hands sneak under her hoodie and she jumps from the shock, swatting at my hands beneath the fabric.

“I reckon I make us some tea and brekkie and then we can do whatever you want all day. How’s that sound?” I flip us over so Jessie can go back to sleep for a while, but she clings onto me, pulling me down aggressively by the front of my old Chelsea travel shirt. Her lips press against mine with energy and love and I get caught up in the feeling. A moan slips past someone’s lips, which of us I’m not quite sure, but I slowly pull away, trailing kisses down her neck until I reach her collar bone.

“Let’s save that energy for later yeah?” I swiftly wink as I finally roll off the bed.

-

I’m making scrambled eggs when I feel Jessie’s arms wrap around my waist. She presses soft kisses across my back as I sway us back and forth to the slow jazz song spewing from the record player.

The next song comes on and I abandon the meal completely, turning off the stove and twisting myself in Jessie’s hold so I can face her. I take one of her hands in mine and rest the other on her waist, her spare landing on my shoulder.

“Put your head on my shoulder; Hold me in your arms, baby” the lyrics continue as we follow along, her head resting against my chest, my chin balanced on top. We dance slowly through the kitchen, the music carrying throughout the house.

As the song finishes, I dip Jessie, leaning over her as her leg kicks out. My gaze flickers between her eyes and her lips and within seconds I’m kissing her again, still in the dip. When I pull her back up, she jumps into my arms and pulls my lips to meet hers for more, the force making me stumble back into the counter behind me.

“I want to slow dance with you around our house when we’re old and can barely kick a ball anymore. Our kids and grandkids playing around while it just feels like the two of us. Because it’s always been the two off us and I never want that to change.” Jessie whispers against my lips. My heart clenches with love as I take her in.

“Will you marry me?” The words escape both our lips almost in complete synchrony. I almost drop her, but my grip on her thighs upholds as I kiss her again, and again, until I can’t kiss her anymore.

-

“I stole this video from Y/n’s phone not long after Jessie and her broke the news of their engagement. Y/n had texted me that morning saying she wanted ideas for a ‘day in the life of a woman in love’ video she planned on making that very day, and I knew that she would have forgotten all about the phone while she and the love of her life shared a special memory together.” Sam takes a pause to look at Jessie and I, sitting side by side at the front of the room.

“What isn’t shown in the video, is the ring that was sitting in the pocket of Yn’s shorts, waiting to be place on the only hand it was made for. The ring went with her everywhere for at least a month before this cute dance proposal. Every day in training, Y/n would tell me a new plan she had come up with to ask Jessie to marry her, and I always told her ‘you should do it when the moment feels right. Don’t force it.’, as I clearly had experience with this sort of thing… And she told me that was a bunch of absolute bullshit.” Our friends and family laugh while my wife’s face drops in shock, her elbow lightly nudging my side. I let out a snicker and kiss her cheek, wiping off the lipstick residue that is left behind.

“Well it turns out I was right. As always. And I’m honoured to be standing here as a best woman in front of two of my best friends, the most amazing young players out there, two people who were made for each other; sculpted by the stars and the earth, to be in each other’s lives, celebrating that love. You’ve both overcome a lot, personally and as a couple, you deserve this love.” A tear escapes my eye as I stand to hug Sam.

“Now can the two nerds please make their way to the dance floor for their first dance?” I take Jessie’s hand in mine and pull her along.

Her suit coat is left on the back of my chair and her waistcoat is unbuttoned and she looks fucking good. Her hair rests on her shoulders and her slack pants fit perfectly around her thighs. Jessie holds part of my dress train, so we don’t trip as we hold each other in similar fashion to the day that led to this, the same song playing on the large speakers in each corner of the room.

“Put your head on my shoulder Whisper in my ear, baby Words I want to hear, tell me Tell me that you love me too”.

Jessie stands on her tippy toes, my heels not helping our height difference.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

[letoscrawls]

Everyone i'm sorry i keep disappearing i'm trying to adjust to this new life and this art crisis can't seem to pass i literally don't know what bto do anymore and i'm starting to think my creative spark is gone for good. Like yesss i finally am a boring adult how nice!!!!! 🤨🤨🤨

Btw dorm life is crazy i keep meeting new people everyday and i'm catching up on that long promised uni life that covid snatched away from me!!!!!!! anyways. This is going to sound terribly delusional and i don't really have feelings for anyone in general but last week i was going home and on the way from the bus to my dorm i saw this cute guy. and he literally lives in my dorm and i didn't mean to hear his room number but he's like on the first floor and i'm on the second one and we live on the same side of the building and i feel like and idiot but i can't stop thinking about this whole situation it's awful and i haven't told anyone bc it's embarassing!!!!

It's been a week and i haven't seen him anywheRE and my only chance is to take the same route i took at the same time last friday and hope i'll see him again bc transportation here sucks and there's a high chance it won't work. this is peak delusion please keep me in your thoughts i need to see him again so i'll just move on with my life if it turns out i Don't Actually Like Him and i was just romanticizing going home on a friday evening

[ffjj5]

Let's get talking 🗣️💜

Warning: this post will discuss mental health and trauma.

Today is World Mental Health Day and until December 2019 I had been fortunate enough to have never had any struggles with mine. But then I did and I am not exaggerating when I say it shook me to my core. Following a traumatic event I was hit hard with anxiety, insomnia, fear, rumination and a constant feeling of impending danger. My home was no longer a place where I felt safe and I ended up working extra hours just to be out of the house. I couldn't eat as I always felt nauseous and I very quickly became a person that others didn't recognise.

I was always the one who helped and supported others in my friendship group so my friends didn't really know how to deal with that person being the one needing help and support. They were worried about me but just weren't sure how to help. So we sat and we talked, a lot, and they listened to my fears and worries and they helped me start to organise the thoughts in my head. One friend suggested that part of my healing may come from helping put the scum who had caused the fear behind bars. But in order to do that I needed to be in a better place. Something clicked in my head and I got in touch with my GP (who was amazing) and got the help I needed. It wasn't easy, it took time for me to feel the benefit of the medication, it definitely got worse before it got better but it did slowly get better. It was bloody hard work and there were days when I was so scared I was never going to get better and that how I was at that time was how I would be forever. But as time went by I felt the old me slowly coming back.

Nearly all of this was happening during COVID-19 a time when we were all forced to be at home, when I couldn't work to escape my house. Nothing like some forced desensitisation to help with healing! One positive to come from it being during this time is that my daughter was home from Uni so I wasn't at home alone and she was an absolute god send and helped me more than she will ever know.

A year later the case finally went to court after many COVID 19 influenced delays and I was in a place where I could give my evidence and give it well. It was terrifying and it's a blur but the next day all three defendants changed their plea and were sentenced to a joint total of 33 years.

This is when the real healing started as I knew they were gone for a long time and I was safe.

Now whilst my daughter was home she introduced me to a group called BTS, you may have heard of them 😁. These 7 men have been a significant part of my healing and they will never know how they brought light, laughter, happy tears and song to some very dark days. They also bought some sad tears but they were cathartic sad tears, We are Bulletproof: the eternal, Zero O'Clock and Magic Shop were three of my favourites to have a healing cry too.

My fight with my mental health continues and it has reared its ugly head again following my recent diagnosis of a chronic condition. But on the whole I am winning with the help of some amazing friends both near and far. There are some very special people on here that I speak to regularly about Jikook and life in general and I want to thank them from the bottom of my heart for listening to me. I am always here to return the kindness 💜💜

[aita-polls]

Am I the asshole for blowing up on my sister, and now wanting to cut off her and her fiancee?

TW: abuse, suicide mention, physical illnesses, mental health issues

Context: Sister and I have come from a difficult situation, basically I left my extremely abusive parents back to our home country to study on uni, and she followed me 6 months later, and came to live with me on a shared housing with others. Since the beginning, I've always felt uncomfortable with how controlling and stressful she is as a person, and how she took over our finances and dictated a lot of how to run our things, but yet, I am no saint either, and get very angry and defensive over things that others deem normal, and behaviors that don't bother others. Also, she accuses me a lot of blowing up over nothing, assuming the worst out of her, and being extremely rude and awful to her even when I don't mean to, and also, she says I make her life miserable because I am never happy (I complain a lot, but also, I've got a lot of complain). Mainly these recent years have been extremely difficult to me, in between several illnesses (got COVID several times, had several UTIs and other infections, even had gallbladder surgery and all) and their aftermaths and complications, and also me studying a course in an university that is knowingly elitist and with little to no student resources, including mental health related (to the point that student suicides are a recurring yearly event in my department and in others) and I've been pressured to drop out and give up in my dreams by implication or explicitly by professors and staff in my department. So like, I get it, I am miserable, and I have been seeking mental health support outside of uni on my own, to attempt to deal with it. But even then, things have been extremely difficult, and she isn't helping me either with the way she lashes out at me for complaining or being upset more than 10% of my time, and also she's not one to talk when she too is very irascible, including that I've got literal scars on my body from her digging into my skin with her nails when we fought in the first years, although she claims that she did that out of self-defense because I was "threatening her" when I literally was just yelling, but whatever.

Anyways, we have lived together for years in this rather rocky relationship, where we fought a lot but also stuck for each other a lot, mainly when other roommates tried to bother us. At least, once she also entered uni and started a LDR, she seemed to get better, and was legit happier, and I was happy for her. But she never let go of the monetary control and her bossing around, and, mainly when she got a job to complement the money that I got from my freelance work and scholarships that sustained us throughout the years, she ramped up the controlling of the finances a lot and started accusing me of basically leeching off her, blowing up over me even buying a candy bar or something for myself, even if I thought I had the money for it, but since I didn't know what was the actual amount I brought in and how much was my or her expenses (we shared everything financially, including the accountability), I assumed she was right since she knew more about it. This kept on escalating for more than two years, including that she had gotten a room for herself in the new place we lived in (before she got a job) and found it justified but kept on telling me I was "too poor" and didn't deserve a room of my own as well (we originally shared a room with another roommate, so afterwards it was me with different people sharing this same room). She chastised me a lot over the years for not getting a "proper job" to sustain us, and I argued that I couldn't because of the degree I'm in, and my mental health issues and she in response got to a point that she told me in one of our last fights before the big one that I should have given up on my degree long time ago if I can't afford it, which hurt me severely because of the aforementioned pressure from uni to do the same, and the fact that the only reason I'm still studying despite all the difficult is because it's my passion, and also, I'm literally so close to finishing it, despite taking much longer to do due to my situation and my mental health conditions (I literally got diagnosed with ADHD last December, and the verdict is still out whether I'm autistic as well or not).

This year, things began escalating to such a degree, given that the year already started badly for me, as I, after getting chastised yet again by her for supposedly not earning enough to sustain myself, tried to get a job anywhere during summer vacation, applied to over 900 spots, spent a month going to interviews all day all the time, only to get nowhere and get hundreds of rejections and "best luck next time"s. We had several fights over the finances, because to me it didn't add up that I was supposedly not sustaining myself at all, given that I never stopped doing my freelance job, nor getting my scholarship from uni, and I kept on pouring all of my money into the credit card that we both shared, and into the bills. In those fights, she even threatened me with homelessness, which she says she did it in response to me being "unreasonably angry" with her and supposedly physically threatening her, which once again, I did not, as the fights were literally while we were sitting across from each other on the living room table and I was angry with her because she kept on implying that none of my freelance work mattered because I don't get paid in a regular pattern like the job she had. Also, I was severely depressed at that point, and that was when I heard that about giving up on my degree, which to me was some sort of flashing point. I decided I wanted to get out of the shared housing, and was trying to figure out how to do that, and, after much, much fighting with her, we finally split up our finances, and I started managing my own, but that didn't mean she stopped trying to dictate how to spend the money I got. Anyways, her now fiancee assisted us to get out of our debt, as he sent money to quit over the credit card and all that I kept on paying off, and then later on the year he pushed onto me a financial stipend to help me get out of the place and all.

But that didn't last long because finally, when I first moved out of the shared house to an individual unit in the same terrain, I initiated a massive fight with my sister because she kept on guilt-tripping me over not wanting her to keep stuff I bought with my own money with her, and she threatened me once again with homelessness since she argued that the only reason I could sustain myself was because of her fiancee, something she said afterwards to her fiancee that no, that was not what she meant, and I'm distorting her words, but that was literally what she told me. Also, she once again basically said I had been leeching off her, and I did a whole 3 day investigation into my finances on my own, using my freelance job accountability and all to finally prove that no, I had brought in as much money as she did over the years, and that I had never leeched off from her, she went on to switch her argument about how she meant that she was earning more than me at that point (which is true) so anyways I was living off from her (which is provingly false), and how me getting sick and needing meds and all was eating up our finances (which is false, I get most meds for free from the public healthcare system) and how I didn't have enough to even live on my own (which is literally false as I'm literally now living on another place on my own without any issues) and never thanked her for all the money she brought in (which she never did for me nor I never wanted it either, I thought it was just basic comradery to help her financially). Also, she got mad at me for going to discuss with her fiancee when she blocked me, and made me apologize and all, but after I attempted to apologize and she said we'd only talk again with boundaries, I told her my boundaries and she blocked me again and sent her fiancee after me to chastise me for being "so passive-aggressive" and "distorting the truth" and all, and that argument literally devolved into him calling me names and using private situations I had with other people to justify demoralizing me and insulting me and demanding his money back, which I gladly sent back anyways (I never wanted it at first, my sister insisted I took it). I ended up blocking him but he kept on harassing me on email, and when I told him to stop contacting me as that was harassment, he kept on saying that it was my fault for responding to him.

Anyways, the situation ended poorly and unresolved, I had a miserable month of more deep depression, and then finally moved out of that terrain and into a new place on my own. Now, over a month afterwards, she keeps on pinging me emails that obviously read like attempts to talk again, and I feel awfully bad, because I feel like I was unreasonable for the way I reacted, given how much backlash I got from her, and mainly her fiancee, but another part of me wants to tell her to fuck off and go no-contact with her altogether. AITA in this situation?

[olderthannetfic]

I wasn't an anti but I logged back into tumblr after a few years of not using it (2018-19 exodus), and that's when I first heard about the anti vs proship deal. When I was a teen I often read incest/underage/gore/abuse/rpf whatever category of things that are supposed to be brain rotting for you and I never thought twice about it. I never felt guilty, I didn't think it was wrong, and it never crossed my mind to think "this royed fic is depraved and the author a sicko". But when I logged back in, I started reading arguments from both sides.

While going through my blog, to my horror I discovered I had long ago reblogged some rick and morty ship fanart, the grandpa/son messed up relationship version. I thought what if someone finds this blog and connects it to me irl? How would I explain this? Why do I even like this? I thought they would think I was a pedophile. I quickly deleted all of it that I could find.

I also came across a bunch of kylux fanart. I had recently been seeing posts about how that was racist because of course some background white dude with two lines is in a more popular ship then the leads of color, right? Racism. I deleted those, too.

And now I feel so stupid for getting caught up in it. I never outwardly expressed any of this but it was an internal I have to be careful about what I reblog, what art I appreciate, and what I write. I chalk it up to being a year into covid and being isolated, wishing I could be physically in my uni classes, and being incredibly burnt out. I thought what people filled their heads with was really important- because so many people were not wearing masks and covid was overloading hospitals. I was incredibly worried about killing my immunocompromised coworker by giving them covid and resented everyone who wasn't following distancing guidelines (which was a lot of fellow students, my roommate, the public). And I thought if people considered more about what information they shared, and realised their capacity to harm, then this wouldn't be happening.

Plucking the potentially "harmful" things from my life felt like I was helping something. Though I'm not acting like I was operating selflessly. A lot of it was fear of how others would judge me.

After reading what you specifically had to say about kylux I realized how stupid I was being. Because the whole appeal of them is hot kylo ren and the BDSM villains fucking each other in leather. There is no other ship combo in the prequels that delivers that as naturally. It really is super lamentable that m/m juggernaut pairs trend white but it really is 1. lack of nonwhite main characters in popular media in the first place, and 2. lack of nonwhite woobies and characters that fit into that shippable mold. And these things being controlled by the profit margins of hollywood. I thank you for pointing these things out, and snapping me out of being an idiot.

A lot of people my age seem to believe you can change the world by sharing an infographic on instagram. Or here. I don't want to be too harsh on people for clinging so hard to the power of the internet for positive change!! during the most isolated moments of this pandemic, but I really recommend 1. killing the cop in your head and 2. seeing what sort connection you can make with the people in your area. I love logging off and being around people, and I love logging on to read my favs banging with tags that would make a priest infarct.

--

That feeling of impotence during a time of ongoing stress is exactly what gets people reaching for the fake activism. They've got to do something, and all the actually productive things are out of reach so...

Emotionally, it's just how we're built, I'm afraid.

[alovesreading]

helloooooo! it’s been a while, and so much has happened irl so i figured i’d share a little life update for anyone who even wants a rant from me lolll

okay so a bit of a backstory for context: i moved to the states back in 2020, about a week before covid got serious and the whole world went into lockdown, and ever since then it’s just been so tough to exist.

being an immigrant is hard just by carrying the name of it, and then just having to deal with the incredible load of working through loads and loads of paperwork, gathering all sorts of documents, spending thousands and thousands of dollars, making sure to fill every blank line with the proper information as to not fuck up such a big process, it’s all just so damn much.

and then comes the wait. i have been waiting for four years for absolutely anything to come out of the process i started back in 2020, every month losing more and more hope. and then the government makes a mistake and you get denied, and then you have to spend another couple thousands to make sure THEY correct their mistake. and after that, guess what? more fucking waiting!

my mental health has been an issue for me since i was a child and it’s not a surprise that coming from a latino household and a third world country, i just had never gotten help because my struggles were waved off as me being spoiled or ungrateful, etc.

so it’s really no surprise that this whole immigration process has been chipping away at my mental health more and more with the pass of time. at first, it was easy to understand the delay since lockdown had pushed so many things back, but then it just got ridiculous. and then just adding coming to terms about my sexuality after years and years of forcing myself to turn a blind eye to it, and feeling lonely cos i had no friends and everyone i was used to seeing every day of my life was back in my home country. it’s been so much.

it’s not an exaggeration to say i have checked the status of my immigration process every day for the past 4 years, and even though there was never good news, i still checked - holding out hope on the daily that a miracle would happen and all those months i’d waited would finally end up in what i wanted, what i needed really.

cos for four years i haven’t been able to study, or work, or get a licence. i’ve had to stay home, trying to pick up hobbies to not drive myself mad while my whole family could go on with their lives, having to take on the responsibility of doing everything around the house cos everyone else would he out and it would just be lazy of me to not take the burden of it all whilst everyone else is studying or working.

so i have watched my life waste away in front of my eyes year after year, seeing my friends back home doing everything i couldn’t do, wishing i could travel places or even just visit my home country but not being able to leave the country at all, trying to find little things i could do to even get twenty dollars on my own so i didn’t have to ask my family for anything.

basically, for the past four years i’d had to watch my life from the sidelines, see everything from a third point perspective, feel as if i was being puppeteered by my awful luck.

september 2023 was the month when everything started crumbling down for my family, and as the eldest, it all fell onto me. having to parent my parents and try to solve all their problems shoved me further into a black hole and just, week after week, it would all get worse.

i remember at the end of november i said it just couldn’t get fucking worse - my dumbass jinxed it clearly cos suddenly the deal my dad had made back in my home country so that i could try to go to uni went through but my shit family back home took the money and so my dad came back empty handed, and my grandma was taken to the hospital only to come out of it in a casket four days before christmas.

i was so fucking angry at life. i’ve had suicidal thoughts since i was child too and well, they hit me quite hard back in december. i was angry at my dad for not fighting to take the money, for not realising he had given me a sliver of hope (move to another state which accepted undocumented immigrants in universities) and just didn’t fight enough for me to continue to hold onto it. i was angry at god for yet again taking another woman that raised me in the most cruel way and not even giving me a chance to fucking say goodbye (again).

and so when i went on holiday at the end of the year, my only goal was to distract myself even for a few days from that void in my chest and all the racing thoughts in my mind, and how much i struggled to simply exist.

it was a nice few days, i had fun with my family and i certainly did manage to distract myself. but then we came back home and i felt so claustrophobic again to be stuck in these same four walls and the cloud of grief over me that hadn’t seemed so heavy whilst i was away, coming down on me on a fucking downpour that made my chest ache.

i was debating going back to therapy but i couldn’t afford it so i turned the idea down as soon as it came to me.

and then suddenly, one afternoon after i had finally finished cooking for everyone and sat down to finally eat, i get a cryptic email from my lawyer telling me to give her a call.

i’m not even joking when i said i pushed my plate of food away and sighed heavily cos all i could think right then is of the worst outcome and i got nauseous thinking about how it would most certainly be that my residency had been denied again cos of uscis being entirely incompetent again.

well, when i called my lawyer and i heard the smile on her face through her voice as she greeted me, i pinched myself to make sure i wasn’t dreaming even before i heard her say, “congratulations, you got your work permit.”

i hadn’t realised the grief of my grandma’s death had been joined by the grief of my own life until i felt the relief flooding me at that very moment.

it’s honestly insane how one simple number or card can open so many doors for you. in a matter of a few weeks i had a valid ID, i went to college and enrolled in classes, got a licence, went looking for a car and actually getting one soon, and applied to a bunch of jobs (got just one interview but let’s manifest i get the job).

so needless to say january has been insane for me. my life has been flipped over and i’m trying to figure everything out slowly.

i do have to say, in the midst of all those years of waiting, reading and writing have been the things to get me through and though i have been making up for the lack of writing lately with getting lost again on books. im really glad im finding myself back to writing. slowly, of course, cos i actually never considered myself that good and after this long without doing it i reckon i really need to make the effort to be decent again, im glad im back reading my silly little notes on my silly little (not little at all) docs and trying to get back into the groove of it all.

if you made it all the way here, i fucking love you and i’m sorry for such a long unnecessary rant and trauma dumping (?) but i figured this helps understand a bit more of me and since you lot have been part of such a sweet escape for me, i wanted to share a little of my life with you.

anyway, i’m honestly so glad to be back. i hope i can adjust and get everything sorted so so soon so i don’t have to go away as much as i have lately. and i also hope i can get back to writing, at least decently, so i can share all the silly stories that flood my brain and that i love sharing with you lot.

okay i’ll shut up now but i love yous and i’m sending you so many hugs and kisses your way xxxx

[smoshblr-aita]

submitted by: anon AITA for being a bad friend? So a few years ago at uni I (22 [19 in this story],f) made this friend let’s call her Violet. She was the first friend I made at uni because it was during covid so we both linked up via the course facebook group beforehand and started texting, so when we actually met up at uni (when they let us onto campus) we already knew each other pretty well. The issue started during the last year of uni, we were also living together (+2 other people) so we saw each other every day. Well we both volunteered to help out with the uni’s theatre production- her on the art side and me with the sound system- she joined the crew before i did so i was really scared when i came i wouldn’t fit in/everyone would know each other but thankfully everyone was super nice and i quickly made some friends too!! Well that didnt last long because a few days later i received a longgg text from Violet detailing how i was a bad friend and how i’ve always got my ‘other friends’ in reference to the crew, how she feels like she’s invading. Now i get it, I’m pretty social so maybe seeing a close friend suddenly be somewhat close to other people feels like a slap cause you’re like ‘I knew them first!! what is this?!’ but the truth is i wasn’t purposely trying to exclude or be bad to anyone. i had to talk to some people on set who were helping with sound and a lot with the producer so yes i was talking to other people & being friendly but it wasn’t like i was trying to make new best friends. In her text she mentioned how I’m always a priority to her but she never is to me, and how I only care for her when I have no one else, which hurt a lot to hear I will not lie. I said sorry a billion times but also that she hurt me too and we started drifting apart. A few days later the producer walked up to me on set and was like ‘can I ask you a personal question?’ and i was like ‘…yes?’ and she asked why i was friends with Violet, because apparently she’d been super hard to work with this whole time, replied to texts passive-aggressively, and was just generally rude when it came to communication. She showed me some of their texts and i was SHOCKED. Things along the lines of ‘So you want me to change it :)) Again :))’ or ‘Sure I have time I’m not overworked :))’. Listen i get it okay sets are stressful and you’re not gonna like everyone u work with but some of the ways she referred to crew members made me feel like i didnt really know her at all.. so then I spiralled into- was she rude to these people because i was nice to them? is this how she expressed feeling left out like she mentioned in her text? and more importantly- am I really a bad friend? so, AITA? (it’s been a few years since and we don't talk but she recently reached out to meet up since she's visiting my town, and I don’t know if I should. thoughts?)

[isakyakihasmyheart]

Mind Dump 5 years on...

This is the first time I've logged into this account since 2019(ish) so I'm pretty sure there's going to be no one left here but if you are, Hi! I'm just going to dump this post here because I am a tumblr girl at heart and laying my most deepest thoughts to strangers on the internet is all I've ever known...

After the recent news of the death of Liam Payne 2 days ago I've been thinking about this website non-stop. Like many people, this news hit me so unexpectedly emotionally. Grieving someone I never knew, but also grieving a time in my life I can never ever experience again.

My life has changed so much since I last logged into this account, and yet so little at the same time. I started this account in early 2017 after I got into SKAM back in 2016, abandoning a previous Dan and Phil centred account I had from 2014. I was still in school, the last season of SKAM lining up with my own life of leaving school and starting university. I remember thinking that was so cool, watching these characters I grew to adore also experiencing their last year alongside me. I started university in late 2018, studying to become a nurse but yet never got over SKAM. Instead, I became obsessed DRUCK and connected to Matteo in a way I haven't ever experienced with another fictional character since (the only close match being Connell from Normal People in that one uni scene iykyk). However, I ultimately ended up abandoning this account in 2019.

I don't actually know why I stopped coming on this website. Because since I was 14 this website was all I could ever think about. Me and best friend in 2014 were absolutely obsessed with tubmlr. We would literally spend hours on this website reblogging the most random things, and things that at that point in our lives meant so much to us. And with this recent news, I've felt this strong tsunami of nostalgia for that period of my life.

I was never a 1D blog, but I loved 1D. Not very openly as I had older sisters who made fun of me for it. I squashed any outwardly expression of my love for them to avoid this at all costs. A major cost being turning down to go and see them in concert in 2014/2015 when my friend (mentioned above) had an extra ticket. I think about that often and regret it every time. When covid came around and we were in lockdown I was in the mid/end of my 2nd year of uni, 20 years of age. I know a lot of people talk of how they regressed back to their younger passions, and so did I. I had the full 1D experience I never let myself have, not caring about others' opinions on it (mainly my older sister). I listened to their music nonstop every single day, watching so many edits and even reading fan fics. I truly felt like I was 14 again. But there was always that voice in the back of my head saying, "you're too late, it's not the same, you've missed out on it all." I yearned with everything in me to be that teenage girl again. It was during this period in 2020 that my family relationships also became very volatile and dysfunctional, meaning 1D became an even bigger safe space for me.

I've always been a nostalgic person in the worst way possible. I can't help but let the regrets of things I never did consume me. The thoughts of how different my life could be, how different I could be, it always plagues me. I know this sounds dramatic because I'm talking about a 2010s boyband, believe me I know it does.

But I was 14 when my life started to go to shit, when my mental health first started to decline and truthfully it has never recovered. Maybe because in the back of my mind, I always felt like that 14 year old girl, scared and alone and hurting so bad with no one to help her. And the unbelievable shocking news of Liam Payne dying, it's just transporting me back to that period of my life. Even more so as I lost my dad very unexpectedly and traumaticly in March this year.

I just feel so full of grief for so many things all at once, all separate yet all so intertwined. I would truly give anything and everything I have to just relive being that teenage girl, even the unspeakable bad parts. And it makes me so angry to know I can't. And of course, I can't, because that's not how time works! Yet it feels like I can't breathe when I come to that realisation. In all its dramatic flare, it genuinely feels like it's killing me that I can't ever experience that life again.

All in all, I'll never truly forget this website. Especially not this account, I loved this account! Maybe this is just the part of growing up I'm currently struggling with. I'm 24 now, which in itself is scary because no matter what I am and always will be that 14 year old girl.

Girlhood is forever and always xx

[night-traveller-of-the-world]

Hi do do you mind doing jushiro x reader

Jushiro Ukitake x gn!reader 

prompt: HAIR (& hair wash day) headcanons (modern! AU) 

A/N: Since you didn't really specify what you would like, I kind of went with my imagination. Anyways, I was really excited to write this as my first fanfiction ever! Hope you’ll enjoy it too  (* ^ ω ^) 

(It can be read as a romantic or platonic relationship)

headcanon that as a child Jushiro hated when his hair got all matted and tangled during the times when his illness would intensify. his mother would definitely comb through it, but he didn’t exactly enjoy it

as an adult, he spends a bit of time explicitly taking care of his hair - the porosity, split ends, haircut (bangs!), what it wants and needs

although he knows the basics, he isn’t a hair care nerd (but you can make him into one (￢‿￢ ))

Jushiro doesn’t really want to cut it; if anything, maybe the ends, but just a bit? he finds this part of himself comforting, like it’s growing and changing alongside him, a reflection of his soul, if you will

the length can be a bit troublesome at times (if you ever had it this long yourself, you know what i mean), and he sometimes forgets to tie it before sleeping. if he sleeps like this with another person (be it Shunsui, his siblings or you), it’s guaranteed that the hair will end up in the other person’s face or mouth

overall his hair is a part of his identity and personality; he can’t imagine living without it. he would be devastated if something forced him to cut it (medical stuff for example)

Shunsui loves messing with him by braiding his hair in peculiar ways or by pulling it ‘by accident’; of course it isn’t ill minded, but can be mildly annoying for Jushiro

let’s say that he met you just before covid happened. you went to the same uni and since you didn’t live in the area, he offered to accommodate you in his family house. then, the pandemic started and just like that, you two got stuck at home together (and with the other 8 Ukitake siblings (//▽//)). that was the time you got interested in his hair - you would run your fingers through it or make him cute pigtails (much to the younger brothers’ delight). 

at first, he was cautious with letting you touch it (mainly because of his experience with Shunsui), but later became very fond of it - the action calmed him down and helped taking his head off of the stressful stuff

would totally place his head on your lap and let you take all the tension away from his mind and body. you could chat like that for hours without end

now, if you’re really into hair care, he is your first and obvious prey - you would insist on making it the most beautiful thing possible! he would be happy to oblige and most likely let you do pretty much anything to him, as long as it’s fairly reasonable and doesn’t hurt (─‿‿─)♡

absolutely adores when you gently comb through his hair before washing it. it’s like a free scalp massage!

Jushiro likes when somebody else - especially when it’s you - takes care of his hair, so he doesn’t need to stress about it

will take notes about good and bad shampoo ingredients, how to brush his hair to maintain proper blood circulation, stimulate hair growth and distribute sebum, what kind of conditioner will work best for him etc.

Jushiro is really excited to let you braid his hair to sleep - it’s lulling and calming him and that is his favourite last thing to do in the evening

gets super excited if you want to try out different types of braids on him, definitely praises you for your work

overall a big sweetheart (who would have thought (⁀ᗢ⁀)), taking care of his hair together with you would be such an intimate and bonding experience and you would be able to really get to know each other, 10/10 would recommend!!

Feedback appreciated!

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello mbti-notes! I'm 25 & INFJ. I currently feel directionless, lost and stagnant. Due to this I've isolated myself for a long time up until recently when I realized it's making me more anxious. I've been trying not to isolate myself by taking daily walks, practicing mindfulness, interacting a little with people, learning soft skills and learning from your blog.

Many setbacks have occurred in the past few years. I feel after covid I've just had hardship after hardship without break. I've lost my drive and goals. So I started I've started rethinking my goals. I always knew that I wanted to do a career involving history, travel and in service to others so I worked towards that. In my final year of uni my friend suggested going into teaching because I could do history + teach abroad. I thought it was a good idea. I've taught for one year in my own country.

Since I've entered the teaching field I've had a very difficult time and experienced burnout in no time. I don't feel supported or guidance to overcome challenges that I have. I'm lacking strong classroom management in a class of 40 students (public schools). Senior teachers have told me that I should consider switching to kindergarten or that I would be viewed as incompetent and lose my job. I was also told I'm going to struggle in this field because I struggle to socialize with colleagues. I'm very introverted and lack social skills due to being socially isolated during my middle childhood to teenage years. I'm working on this and try to socialize with colleagues.

It feels discouraging to constantly be criticized. I was told twice by two teachers I worked with closely I work diligently and they'd love to work with me again. First teachers usually struggle with classroom management the difference is how slow or fast one gets a grip on it. For some it's months, just a year or many years. I'm not given the time or space to practice my classroom management. During my entire first year I believed myself to be incompetent because of the comments from experienced, high rank teachers. Which caused me stress and unhealthy perfectionism because I internalized those comments due to my low self worth & external validation. I'm working on changing this belief and learning about myself. I know I can do it with experience, guidance and support. I believe that I'm capable of doing any job or career if I have proper guidance or mentoring.

Unfortunately, only teachers with good classroom management are employed. Unless a school is interested in taking on new teachers and mentoring them which isn't frequent. So far I haven't been able to find stability in this career either. I've just gotten accepted for contract posts which are only for a few months. I'm currently taking a break from being a school teacher and I've started volunteering work by tutoring children. I'm at crossroads with what to choose. Especially because I'm doubting whether I'm suitable to be a teacher considering my classroom management which is very important. I'm considering exploring other jobs than teaching or continuing in that field but as a tutor, online teaching or private schools (20 in a class and my classroom management is good with 20). My question is how do I know if I'm on the right path? How do I find healthy direction? Thank you for your time.

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1) Trying to learn on the job can be very challenging because of the greater sense of responsibility and the pressure it generates to succeed quickly.

To my ears, the amount of help you need actually sounds a bit unreasonable. There is one point about your situation that is unclear. Did you get a teaching degree that included a proper internship or practicum? (If you entered into a position without the right qualifications or training, then you shouldn't be surprised about struggling.) It's not the job of the employer or your colleagues to educate you once you've already graduated from school, though they may choose to be supportive as part of their mission or as resources allow. Technically speaking, the training should've already happened in your practicum, so it is assumed you already have enough classroom experience to get a grip on things quickly on your own.

If you haven't had enough practical classroom training, it might benefit you to spend time working as a teaching assistant in order to learn from experienced teachers in a more appropriate way, rather than expecting your colleagues to add teaching you to their already full plates of teaching 40 students.

Factors such as student demographics and school funding also influence the workplace environment for teachers, so it might be a good idea to try out many different schools to ensure that the problem doesn't lie solely with you. It could be that the workplace culture in specific schools isn't a good fit for you. It's not something to cast blame about but to accept; simply move on and look for a better fit.

There are many different forms of teaching, so just because you can't manage a class of 40+ doesn't mean you have to give up teaching entirely. Yes, private schools and sometimes schools in more rural areas generally have smaller classes. Also, there are companies that provide after school tutoring programs, so you could actually work as a tutor if one-on-one teaching appeals to you. Private tutoring can be lucrative if you produce good results and the right parents spread the word about your services.

2) The idea of "the right path" is somewhat misleading because it doesn't exist in any absolute sense. And believing there is only one right path for you isn't the healthiest mindset because it makes you less open to possibility and then less adaptable to change. That said, there are some very general indicators you can use to determine whether life is going well, for example:

- Emotional Well-Being: Do you generally feel good? When life is going well, your mood should be relatively stable, your attitude positive, and your outlook optimistic. Remember, pain is a warning that something is wrong. Similar to problems with physical health, if there are any aspects of your life that produce pain and suffering for you, it's better to address them sooner rather than later.

- Healthy Self-Esteem: Are you proud of who you are? Healthy pride comes from things like: taking responsibility for yourself and what you put out; making wise judgments and decisions; speaking constructively; working productively; nurturing and appreciating individuality; building good moral character. It's important to pay attention to feelings of guilt, shame, inadequacy, or self-loathing because they shine a light on opportunities for personal growth.

- Being of Value: Do you feel that you matter? To "matter" basically means your existence is better than your nonexistence. To feel as though you matter in the world, you need to offer something of value and also have your offerings valued by others. If you feel as though you have little or nothing of value to offer, then you might have an underlying issue of low self-worth to address. If you feel as though others don't value you, then you need to examine what is causing the problematic disconnect in your interpersonal life.

- Sense of Purpose: Do you have good reasons to get up every morning? People with a strong sense of purpose generally: strive to use their time and energy in meaningful ways; undertake work that produces tangible benefits; look for opportunities to make a positive contribution; make a commitment to higher goals and ideals. Feeling unmotivated, stuck, lost or adrift often points to lack of purpose in life. Purpose doesn't magically appear. You have to make purposeful choices in accordance with the value you see in yourself and want to express out into the world.

It's not my place to tell people how to make life decisions. You have to reflect on whether this is the career you want and then explore your options and find the position of best fit. This difficulty you are facing in your career could mean any number of things. It could be the challenge you need to learn the skills that you've neglected up until now. It could be a wake up call for realizing that a change of direction is necessary. To be a healthy INFJ means being able to use Ni to connect with the whole truth of the matter. Who else can tell you what is right for you? You have to reflect on it with as much self-honesty as you can muster.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Wibta for asking a long distance friend if she even wants to be friends anymore?

My friend and I have been friends since uni and lived together for two of those years. Since uni finished over a decade ago, we both moved back to our hometowns but stayed in touch via our phones and, what used to be, annual meet ups.

The first summer after uni, she came down to stay with me for five days. But for the next few years, I travelled to visit her for five days each year (including travel days) because I was earning more and had a more stable job, so it was easier for me to take longer off (to accommodate the travel days and pay for actually travelling).

In 2018, I didn't have a lot of leave left, so I asked her to come visit me and comprised that I would pay for her travel costs.

In 2019, I suggested that we go on holiday together, promising to make it a cheap one. (It came to £300 including flights, accommodation, food, and spending money. I know because I paid for it all and she paid me back.)

Then, we had plans to go away in 2020 and I would pay for flights and hotel because it was her 30th. Obviously, covid scrapped our plans until 2022, but we did get away.

None of this is a problem. I don't mind paying for things and having her pay me back (or not, if I've offered it as a gift). I don't mind making things a lower budget, like just me going to hers or her coming to mine. I think always have a great time together.

But I feel like now, it's very hard to get her to meet up with me at all and it's really hurting my feelings. A couple of times when restrictions eased in the UK, I suggested that I could come up to see her, but she said that there's not a bed in the spare room anymore (I have an airbed, I could bring).

I asked her last year, when I was going through a pretty depressive spell, if I could come up and see her, but she said that the only time I could come was during a three day period when her parents were away, which was the only time she'd have a free bed. I asked if her parents were only away for three days and she said yes.

(I thought this to be odd because they don't usually go away for such a short time, and she later admitted, likely because she forgot I asked, that her parents were away for a week.)

I said that I couldn't travel 7 hours on the Monday to travel 7 hours back on the Wednesday because that wouldn't really be a break.

I recently asked if she would come down for a week in about six months time and she said she would have to see closer to the time.

Also, just for reference, work is no longer a concern for her because she's on disability benefits, so it's not like she can't get the time off work. She doesn't have kids or any dependents.

And, I would understand if her mobility prevented her from travelling, but she's gone to stay in a caravan with her other friends recently. She's going to stay in a cottage holiday with family next month. And, I could always come to her, if she would just let me.

And, as for money, I would again pay for her travel costs, because I know money is tight for her. And I've always paid for my own food at hers, so it's not like she would have to pay more for for if I was there.

In addition, and my reason for being so upset tonight, we are supposed to have a weekly night where we watch TV together and text about it. But there have been multiple occasions where she has cancelled last minute and it hasn't been an emergency. (Think... My aunt is coming round, I have to go drop a birthday present off). She did it twice this weekend... Once, moving it to Sunday and then cancelling on Sunday about 40 minutes before we were supposed to start.

Last minute cancellations really bother me because it's really disrespectful of my time. Yes, this weekend I didn't have anything on but that's because I have it in my calandar and plan my other events around it.

But I feel like I might be the ah (at least because of the meeting up thing) because I have the privilege of being able-bodied and well-off, so travelling isn't a big deal to me.

It just feels like she doesn't care as much about maintaining the friendship and I'm bending over backwards to make accommodations.

What are these acronyms?

[bigsmallworld]

Nostalgia Advent Calendar: MCR edition

Day 9: Your Favorite song from Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge

My my! What a treasure we’re dealing with today!

Alright. For the easiest it’d obviously be the one I mentioned as my fave song in day 2. I think I gave it a pretty thorough reasoning back then. Not to mention thanks to certain video on Instagram I can’t help but think about the song when I see the Popcat meme

But like I said: I wish to have as many different songs in this challenge as possible so I started to think which a bit calmer song of that album is my favorite.

We have to go back to 2020, good old covid years (not so sure about the good) when I guess in a way found my teenage years again (at least in the music, it’s always the music) and listened quite a fair deal pop punk and thought that okay, we have no lectures in the uni cause everything is online and not too much I can do so if I want to dye my hair black one more time it’s now or never. (The one and only time was when I was… 14? Shocking. The same time I found MCR. My friend did it, I didn’t tell my mom about the plans and no one even got mad.)

So I did. And for the next student event I dressed up as rather okay emo. There’s a pic under the cut in the end of the post.

Back then I guess I also started to check old (aka 2000s) music videos and discovered The Ghost of You. I have no idea had I seen it back in the days but I found it incredibly beautiful. The whole transition from the ball room floor to the beach is still killing me this day. And it’s still one of the three MCR songs that without a doubt make me cry if I even concentrate to it a little bit more. Mikey dying in the video and Gerard screaming their heart out and doing an outstanding job with his acting isn’t actually helping. Oh and did I mention they all look very nice in freshly cut hairstyles and in the uniforms? Hell yeah.

But all in all the song is the biggest why. There is all that raw emotion. And well, some kind of lost I’ve experienced during the life and even can imagine the pain if it was even something worse so damn yeah it’s making me sad and killing me softly.

Lmao, seriously the make up is so much better and cleaner than back in 2007 when I actually didn’t leave the house without some proper eyeliner in my eyes. Would’ve posted this in Myspace 100% sure

[pearlsfantasy]

I'm not gonna lie, even though I've had recent successes, I feel weighed down a little and I really wish I could go back to the state of mind and feeling when I first discovered the law of assumption around the start of 2021.

Everything felt magical, truly, serendipitous, maybe it was because my life had been so boring since covid. But I would do things like "accidentally" turn down the right street, meet nice people, manifest my family getting food delivered effortlessly. I felt good. Life felt full of possibility, like a dream world, even if not much had changed.

What I really wanted was the opportunity to move out and start having fun again, and I got that too, just with the state of knowing. But then life got real- I actually was busy with a new job, new friends, new roommates. I almost stopped practicing loass except there was still one thing I wanted, my sp, so I did love meditations for a while.

Then, when I didn't see movement with my sp by my self imposed deadline, I basically gave up and forgot about loass.

Which was fine- I kept doing my life. Until I met someone who reminded me way too much of my SP. I think this is what you'd call a bird's before land situation that got way too serious. Because, predictably, I liked him. We bonded really quickly and started hanging out a lot. And then I got scared and genuinely forgot who tf I was. I forgot all about loass. And because my deep seated beliefs from the past were basically that guys I like always go cold and stop talking to me, I had fears of that happening and guess what, it did.

Somehow when it started going to shit, or when my mindset did maybe, is when I remembered loass. And I affirmed like crazy, tried to fulfill myself, but it didn't work.

This event is really the one that destroyed my confidence, my faith in myself and my faith in the law. I was having a blast and then maybe a month later was crying and screaming because I didn't understand why someone that I clearly manifested to be with me, would just start acting like he hated me. And I didn't understand why I couldn't fix it, if I was truly the operant power and manifested him in the first place.

Somehow my confidence with loass has never been the same after that. Since then I've read a lot, watched a lot of videos, tried to understand different methods and perspectives. Tried to come to terms with the fact that I did all of it and caused my own suffering, but it's hard.

I've noticed the state of knowing that I had a few times to get the job, get into uni before that (Before I knew loass) is just harder to get to now because I simply don't feel as good. I don't know, it's just like this heaviness of life. When life used to feel serendipitous and fun, sometimes now it feels like a lot of little things go wrong just to piss me off, things I shouldn't have to deal with. So I do other things, sats, affirmations. I just wonder sometimes why it was so easy in the beginning. Maybe I can manifest the heavy feeling to go away and to get back that mindset from 2021.

Anyway, sorry if this is negative, I just felt like I should really get these thoughts out as it's been long enough. I want to turn a new leaf and start being positive and happy again.