mbti-notes

[mbti-notes]

What does moral development depend on? Why does a person's thinking, regardless of personality type, become complex and broad enough to encompass the needs and interests of others?

I ask this question because I don't quite understand how moral development can occur in T-types, who tend to suppress their own feelings and emotions because of the dominant / auxuliary Ti / Te function. Do they also suppress a rudimentary sense of fairness and the emotional empathy inherent in all people, because they see these feelings as a threat?

For whom are you asking and for what purpose? Follow the blog guidelines properly, otherwise abstract questions might get dismissed as unanswerable in a short post or receive generalized responses that won't necessarily apply to whatever real case/situation you're trying to navigate. I have already written a lot about morality, so also see previous posts.

You seem to be oversimplifying by equating F function development and moral development. You also seem to be misattributing ego development problems to personality type. While there are important relationships between these three concepts, they are separate, each complicated and requiring special attention in their own right.

Whether you use the F function successfully versus whether you make good moral decisions require different sets of criteria to determine. It is quite possible to use the F function successfully but end up making bad moral decisions. It is also possible to make good moral decisions without specifically leaning on the F function.

The difference between Ts and Fs isn't in how moral they are, rather, the main difference comes in how they go about defining and understanding morality. It is possible for both to reach the same moral conclusions but in very different ways. Your question seems to be biased by the F perspective because it assumes that "feelings" are the only important factor to take into consideration, but they aren't. Making moral decisions based only on feeling-related information often ends up being short-sighted.

Cognitive functions are morally neutral; their only purpose is to help you make sense of the world and achieve certain goals. However, since judging functions are used for making decisions, your personality type will inevitably intersect with your moral decision-making process. All the different aspects of your mind are related but it can be difficult to untangle and understand their relationships.

As the term implies, moral development is specifically about morality, which includes topics such as: what it means to make moral choices; how to determine the morality of actions; the nature of moral conscience; how to define and build good moral character; what it means to live a "good" life; etc.

Moral development often encompasses ethics as well, with topics such as: how to weigh and analyze ethical dilemmas; how to behave responsibly in relationships; how to be a good member of society; what society should do about unethical people; how to make relationships, groups, and society more fair and just; etc.

As you can see, nobody comes out of the womb a full-fledged moral philosopher with all the tools necessary for great moral judgment. Moral development isn't just about your feelings, emotions, intuitions, or uninformed opinions. To become a truly moral person isn't easy for anyone because it requires effort to develop deeper moral understanding, while the human mind trends toward laziness.

The reason moral development is very complicated is because there are many factors influencing the outcome. To analyze moral problems properly requires you to exercise the best of your intellect. To be a person of good moral character requires you to nurture your moral strengths and virtues. To be an ethical member of society requires you to take your duties and responsibilities to others seriously. To consistently make good moral decisions is much easier in a conducive social environment.

Most importantly, to care about morality in the first place often depends on your level of ego development and how egocentric you are. Whether you are T or F, egocentrism is one of the most significant barriers to moral development. Ego development is about whether you're growing and evolving as a person, whether you're consistently realizing more of your human potential.

Type aside, people at lower levels of ego development are too preoccupied with ego protection/aggrandization, which means their perspective is often too small to take anything else into consideration. (Just because Fs are inclined to care about morality, doesn't mean they automatically have good moral character. It is quite possible to care about morality for purely egotistical reasons, which constitutes immaturity of moral development.) People at higher levels of ego development are better able to transcend personal ego concerns to have a broader perspective, which makes it easier to take moral/ethical concerns into consideration.

It doesn't matter what your personality type is, all human beings have a universal need for growth. Unless your life is nothing but a constant unlucky struggle for survival, at some point it should matter to you whether you are being the best version of yourself you can be. Eventually, the notion of being your best self should also encompass the question of whether you're being your good-est self.

[mbti-notes]

Hi! I’m an ISFJ and I’ve always been very introverted. I usually keep my social circle very small (2-3 close friends + family + romantic partner) and I’m very selective of people who are coming into my life because I need my space. People tend to not understand this, though, and usually need more than I can give them. I’ve had friendships that came to a natural end (there’s usually no dramatic fallout, just people following different paths in life) simply because of my reserved and quiet nature. This is not something that bothers me or makes me feel bad, in fact, I like doing things by myself or with the few people I’m truly comfortable with (and I’ll be loyal to them to the end), but ever since I started reading about typology, I wonder if this is bad for my fe aux. I can’t help but feeling different of other FJs. Is it possible to have healthy fe under these circumstances? Thanks for the insight!!

This isn't really a question I can answer for you. I'm not here to convince people that they have a problem when they don't believe they do. Generally speaking, unless someone is being a jerk, I'm inclined to think they are just fine the way they are, so don't ask me to be judgy and critical because it goes against my nature. I mainly help out people who are clearly suffering from function dysfunction and don't know what to do about it. But you're not suffering, are you?

What you're talking about is different, more related to the notion of "potential". Theoretically speaking, there is always room for improvement in how people use their functions. Potential is a limitless concept. However, whether or not YOU wish to realize more of your type potential is entirely your decision to make.

Every life decision has its advantages and disadvantages, its benefits and costs. The key to making intelligent choices is knowing full well what you're giving up and getting in return, what the exact trade-off is. Maintaining the status quo is comfortable, safe, and predictable. Whereas choosing to realize more of your potential is likely to come at the cost of time, energy, and peace of mind.

As ISFJ, you're unlikely to suffer much by deciding to maintain your status quo. Why would people choose potential, then? Because there is a hidden cost for not choosing it. Maintaining the status quo means you're likely to miss out on interesting growth opportunities that would make your life richer, more fulfilling, and/or more meaningful. Perhaps because of inferior Ne, you're not fully aware of this cost or care enough about it to motivate change.

There is no right or wrong choice in any absolute sense, only a right or wrong choice for you personally, in terms of what benefits you desire and what costs you don't wish to pay.

[mbti-notes]

Hi, mbti! In connection to your post/789445487782690816, do you have any recommendations of books/sources to learn more about what culture/cultural identity entails and how it's formed?

I'm not aware of any such sources, which makes sense because I don't think it's the right way to go about it, if what you want is to do it for yourself. I think you've missed the point since your question seems to imply a very detached approach.

Cultural identity is built through direct participation. Learn the language and expand your social network into the cultural community. Learn the history and situate yourself within it. Learn the cuisines, customs, traditions, and rituals and incorporate them into your life meaningfully. Appreciate the best of what the culture has to offer artistically and express it proudly in your own creative way.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello MBTi Notes. I’ve long been reflecting on something that I haven’t seen addressed with the depth it deserves, and I was wondering if you might be able to offer your insight.

As an INTP, I’ve often noticed that we are frequently framed — both in fiction and in real life — as dull, naïve, or socially unimpressive. Even when portrayed positively, INTPs are usually cast as eccentric nerds, side characters, or comic relief. There’s rarely any emphasis on traits like charisma, leadership, or vision — qualities that other types seem to be readily granted, even in speculative representations.

This seems to mirror my own lived experience, and that of many INTPs I’ve spoken to. Despite having strong inner convictions and a deep need to understand and influence the world, when I try to speak or assert ideas, it often lands flat. I notice that my arguments, no matter how thought-out, don't create impact — or worse, they get brushed aside. There’s a sense of being seen as slow, abstract, or disconnected.

Meanwhile, other types, even when less precise, tend to command more immediate respect or engagement.

Why does this pattern exist? Is there something about the INTP function stack (Ti-Ne-Si-Fe) that makes our strengths socially invisible or easily misread? And how might we break free from these limiting frames without betraying the core of who we are?

Thank you for the thoughtful work you do. Your writing has helped me feel less alone somehow

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There is a subset of types who write to me more often than others, usually because they suffer from long running issues related to isolation. I lovingly refer to them as the "stuck in their head" squad, aka, the four Introverted Intuitive (IN) types. These types often find kindred spirits in each other.

IN types share a unique ability to create an interesting inner life for themselves. However, there are two sides to every personality trait. Having an interesting inner life potentially becomes a disadvantage or liability when it leaves one suffering from problems such as:

tunnel vision (INTJ)

separateness (INFJ)

stagnation (INFP)

detachment (INTP)

Although these sound like different problems on the surface, they all stem from the same deeper phenomenon of not being able to reconcile one's inner life with the outer world. Basically, the extraverted functions are underdeveloped. This means it is easy for INs to intentionally or unintentionally cut themselves off from the world, via tertiary loop, and perhaps even lose touch with reality in extreme cases.

I daresay every IN has experienced what it's like to think things are one way only to (shockingly) discover that nothing is what they thought. The INs who haven't had this experience yet are usually young (and privileged) and still blissfully living in their heads.

Although this inner-outer disconnect affects all four types, they are not all equally aware of it, care enough to change it, or feel compelled to seek help/advice about it. Generally speaking, INs in the early stages of tertiary loop are likely to be in denial, whereas those who have grown weary of tertiary loop (and suffering its negative consequences) are more likely to seek change and reach out for help.

However, this doesn't mean that help will work or that change will be smooth for them, mainly because they might still be unaware of what the underlying problem actually is. These cases are usually easy to identify because they struggle with questions along the lines of "how do I change without betraying myself?", indicating their ambivalence about exiting tertiary loop. Basically, they fear developing extraverted functions because they believe doing so would somehow "compromise" their inner world.

When INs become more aware of the inner-outer disconnect, a common reaction is existential loneliness, due to feeling misunderstood (by loved ones), underappreciated (by society), or unable to access social supports (that would help ease their suffering). One of the reasons I keep this blog is to help INs feel less alone by giving them access to minds with similar experiences.

Unfortunately, there exists a disincentive to connecting directly with others. Socializing can feel threatening because it opens up the door to painfully bursting the tertiary loop mental bubble for good. Such a drastic psychological jolt isn't good for mental health and well-being either. Reluctance to experience this pain can lead to living in a contradiction of wanting and not wanting change at the same time.

The more time spent in tertiary loop, the more difficult it is to exit. The fact is there are comforts to be had in tertiary loop because it is a protective defense mechanism. The heavier the reliance on the comforts, the harder it is to give them up. Bad habits are difficult to break once one has grown too accustomed to their "benefits". Because immature/unhealthy INs live in their own little world and are inattentive to the outer world, it is unfortunately all too easy for them to convince themselves that bad habits aren't bad where they live.

As such, getting out of tertiary loop often requires a strong commitment to change and improvement, a feasible plan of action, and determination to persist during difficult or stressful times. Sadly, the longer a person has been in tertiary loop, the less equipped they are to handle the pain of leaving it.

Usually, the reason they got trapped in the first place was because they did not (have opportunity to) learn healthy coping strategies and thus had to resort to tertiary loop. Therefore, the feasible plan of action must include learning new ways to cope with negative feelings and emotions (i.e. improve emotional intelligence).

A conceptual overview of the IN inner-outer disconnect problem and solution:

When Ni is too out of balance with Se, INTJs become too extreme. They will eventually suffer from tunnel vision if they use Fi to continually justify ignoring empirical evidence of failure (Te rejection). To exit Ni-Fi loop, they must give up extreme thinking, but that can leave them stuck in feelings of dullness or mediocrity. If they genuinely want a fulfilling life, they have to learn how to adopt reasonable standards and balance their goal-seeking to address every important aspect of life (Te+Se development).

When Ni is too out of balance with Se, INFJs become unrealistic. They will eventually suffer from separateness if they use Ti to continually rationalize away critical feedback (Fe rejection). To exit Ni-Ti loop, they must temper idealism, but that can leave them feeling empty or jaded. If they genuinely want to feel at peace with the world, they have to learn to adapt their vision to better fit the contexts of day-to-day existence (Fe+Se development).

When Fi is too out of balance with Te, INFPs become solipsistic. They will eventually suffer from stagnation if they use Si to remove all possible interference with their inner status quo (Ne rejection). To exit Fi-Si loop, they must admit that their feelings/values have led them astray, but this can leave them feeling lost or broken. If they genuinely want life to move forward, they have to learn to make use of mistakes and flaws as opportunities for becoming more skilled at life (Ne+Te development).

When Ti is too out of balance with Fe, INTPs become very limited in their perspective. They will eventually suffer from detachment if they use Si to continually dismiss certain ideas as being unworthy of consideration (Ne rejection). To exit Ti-Si loop, they must admit that their understanding of the world is myopic, but this can leave them feeling dejected or apathetic. If they genuinely want to bring their ideas to fruition, they have to learn to enjoy the process of continually testing and improving them, in order to pick up the most skilled methods of communicating them (Ne+Fe development).

I think tertiary Si and inferior Fe issues have been covered pretty well for INTPs, so you can refer to previous posts. Perhaps you haven't fully realized the extent that Si loop has constrained you. You see yourself one way, but others see you completely differently. An unrealistic self-image is a tell-tale sign of inner-outer disconnect.

Part of the disconnect comes from you because Si loop and Fe blindness make you unable to address all the complicating factors that influence successful expression of the self. Part of the disconnect comes from others because they might not be fully equipped to understand you without your help. Both of these problems are within your power to address.

If your knowledge of human psychology is basically limited to Ti+Si thinking, then your understanding of people is lacking, so you don't know how to appeal to them. You are basically doing what most people do, which is appeal to others based on what works for yourself, rather than what works for them. The fact of the matter is most people aren't INTPs, or even INs, so they don't think like you do.

One of the main reasons people learn about personality type is to learn how to bridge individual differences in perception and judgment. In order to communicate with types that are quite different from you, it is sometimes necessary for you to learn to speak some of their language. The more "languages" you learn, the more versatile you can be when socializing with people.

This is unfortunately just something all INs have to deal with because they are a statistical minority. Minorities often have to go the extra mile to make themselves seen and understood by the majority. It also doesn't help matters to be an introvert in a society that values extraversion more.

However, it's important to remember that you have extraverted functions and you can learn to use them effectively. It is mainly a matter of how willing you are to realize your potential. Everyone has their challenges in life, and meeting challenges bravely is the path to growth. An important aspect of type development is about unlocking hidden strengths, but you won't be able to do that if you continue to believe improvement equals "self-betrayal" (i.e. Ne rejection).

Perhaps you mostly notice INTPs who are similar to you in terms of type development stage, since we unconsciously seek reflections of ourselves in the social/media landscape. While it is true that the majority of people struggle with ego development issues (and thus get represented as such in fiction), there are certainly examples to be found of people who are further along in type development, usually older in age. Make a point to look out for them and you might discover valuable inspiration for your own development.

[mbti-notes]

Hi, 28 years old ENTJ here. I feel alone, although I have a lot of friends. A lot of people want to have contact with me, but I dont feel connection. A lot of them are very focused on theirsleves or just emotionally inmature in my subcjetive perception. I dont feel my friends would help me if sth bad would happen to me. I feel they dont understand me. Is that some kind of projection? What can be the reason of such situation?

There are two possibilities here:

The first possibility is that you have accurately understood the people around you, and the fact is you have inadvertently surrounded yourself with the wrong kinds of people. To remedy this, you'd have to be more intentional in seeking out the right kinds of friends, rather than just settling for whomever comes along.

The second possibility is that you have misunderstood the people around you, or worse, you are too prejudiced/judgmental to see people accurately. If this is the case, it means there is something about you that makes you a poor candidate for friendship.

Drawing upon common ENTJ issues, perhaps due to extreme Te and Fi imbalance, you aren't able to be authentic and vulnerable, which means your relationships are doomed to be superficial and unfulfilling. This could be remedied through type development, specifically as it relates to people skills. Having better people skills would allow you to be a better friend and encourage others to be a better friend to you in return.

This is not an either/or situation. Both of the above possibilities could be true, in which case, you'd have to take action on both counts.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: How can I recognize auxiliary Ti from tertiary Te in the case of dominant Se? I guess my problem is that I don't really understand the dynamics of these functions when I consider, for example, my own learning, socialization, conflict and problem solving in interpersonal relationships, and the essence and principles of T and F. Let me explain in more detail.

In the case of learning, I don't understand which of the Thinking functions I am using, because for most of my own learning I was lazy - although I understood the material and solved problems and was even drunk with my own superiority (especially when some teachers and tutors set me as an example), resourcefulness and adaptability, but I did all this reactively and unconsciously, not really getting into the material and not even being sufficiently competent in any school subject (and I suppose I was well aware of this). To me, all of this casts doubt on the auxiliary Ti, considering also that I later tried to become more competent and tried to find my own understanding of the sciences I was studying, revising theory and trying to create a manual for myself to understand the discipline holistically and not forget any facts (although I often found new ways to apply and connect knowledge, which reminds me of how Ni works).

In the case of dealing with interpersonal conflicts and other people's relationship problems, I cannot understand the nature (F or T) of some of my judgments and beliefs. For example, when a person tells me about some problem in a personal relationship, I can make statements like “In any relationship, mutual understanding and respect are important / If both people agree on something, then that thing is acceptable in that relationship regardless of the society's opinion” - and I cannot understand the nature of such statements. For the most part, I have attributed these statements to function F as I talk about the importance of something and people's viewpoints in interpersonal relationships. I don't attribute these statements to function T because I don't quite see them as clear reasoning connecting cause and effect, which again casts doubt on Ti for me personally. Although I have heard many people around me and not only so, expressing their opinions in this way, specifically expressing them as some kind of fact or dogma, making it seem like they just want to appear reasonable.

So, am I missing something about the difference between T and F? Or am I actually getting it right? I apologize for my bad English, it's not my native language.

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I assume you're trying to work out the finer details of your type. All signs point to Ti (2nd paragraph) and Fe (3rd paragraph) axis. No indications of Fi and Te axis.

Perhaps you are getting stuck because your understanding of the functions is too narrow and doesn't take development into consideration. Just because a function is high up in the stack, doesn't necessarily mean you know how to use it optimally.

For ExTPs, using Ti optimally produces:

systematic thinking

clarity of thought

coherence in beliefs

prioritization of factual evidence

confidence in drawing logical conclusions

What does their underdeveloped Ti look like, then?

lazy thinking

lack of clarity

unaware or doesn't act to correct fallacies/contradictions

rationalizing away inconvenient facts

overconfident despite shaky logic

You have exhibited symptoms of underdeveloped Ti, right? In the study guides, you are instructed to provide examples of healthy, resistant, and overindulgent auxiliary function use, so that I may get a bigger picture view of the type development situation. Everything you've described is in line with auxiliary Ti, with hints of Fe loop.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi! Thank you for running this blog. My dilemma is about cultural identity. My family immigrated to the US 26 years ago and I (24 INFJ ) was the first to be born in America. My older siblings eventually forgot how to speak their native language since they were four and five, but they understand it really well. My native language is English and I don’t understand our heritage language much at all. My parents speak it to each other, but they always spoke to us in English 95% of the time. In our country, there isn’t much national or cultural pride so I don’t think they thought it was important.

However, I feel like I don’t belong at all when they have family friends over or when I’m there. I want to learn it. I have a book for it, I found an online tutor, and I can practice with my parents. However, I carry so much resentment towards that country while also wishing I belonged. Our family is the odd one out in our social circle because we have the least money. The kids of one of our family friends told my siblings that they used to pretend they didn’t speak English so they wouldn’t have to talk to us. When I used to ask people what certain words meant, they pretended that the word is too complicated to explain even though they speak fluent English and I know enough to know the word is simple (I knew that this word meant “then” and that’s how they acted).

Also, the country is very misogynistic as in women are expected to be seen, not heard, as if they are children. Being a woman, I’m glad I’m from America and not there. The sexist culture also makes me resent that country. I go through phases where I decide to learn the language, but then I tell myself that there is no one from that country I want to talk to.

Basically I want to belong so badly (Fe) but I try to convince myself I don’t need to belong and try to excise that need I have (Ti loop). How can I reconcile this desire for a cultural identity when I feel bitter and rejected? The people we know there are the educated and upper class whose values are not the same as the majority of the people who are poor. I know not all people from there are just judging people for how much money they have, but I still tell myself everyone there is fake. My blanket criticisms are just coming from a place of hurt.

I don’t feel particularly American, most people of my race who live in America have been here for a really long time and they have their own unique culture which I admire but it doesn’t feel “mine” either. I used to think of myself as a “stateless person” even though I know that’s a legal term that doesn’t actually apply to me. I wish I could be one of those people who don’t care about any of that. Why is cultural identity important to some people and not others? What advice do you have? You said you have lived in many countries and have worked with third culture kids.

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Since cultural identity is important to a lot of people, I think it's worth going into detail about it.

On Language

Yes, I grew up in a culturally diverse place with a significant population of third culture and bi/multiracial kids and I've also worked with immigrant/emigrant populations. I'm not at all saying this qualifies me as an expert, but I can at least empirically observe that your experience is quite typical. I don't know if that's a comfort to you.

It can indeed be very frustrating and even depressing to feel like you don't really have a home in either culture. And it's not just third culture kids, sometimes the immigrant parents also struggle with the same issues but they don't let on to their kids.

Yeah, language is often the first and most significant barrier. You do require a certain language level in order to socialize more smoothly and bridge the cultural gap. Unfortunately, language is sometimes used as a weapon to exclude. The best way to prevent it being used against you is to learn it.

It might seem like a negative thing to you, "exclusion", but immigrant populations, due to experiencing a lot of prejudice and discrimination, have very good reason, historically, to be protective of themselves and only welcome members who are truly devoted to preserving and honoring the culture. From this perspective, consider language learning as an "initiation ritual", as proof of devotion. Many groups have initiation rituals, spoken or unspoken. It seems you are not fully aware of how important language can be in this regard.

Of course, not everyone is linguistically gifted, so it can be very hard to keep up with language learning. Also, children are individuals and some simply don't have the interest to learn. Immigrant families tend to be geographically isolated and/or struggle financially, especially in the early years, so resources and opportunities for language learning can also be scarce in some cases.

One of the great things about being a philosophy major is that language learning is implicitly encouraged. Reading Hegel, Descartes, or Zhuangzi in English always leaves things lost in translation, so the solution is to learn their native language and read the primary sources, or at least learn some terminology to get a deeper understanding. Don't get me wrong, I am by no means any kind of language phenom. I learned enough to do a bit of light reading (and I've now mostly forgotten it) but never enough to be fluent.

Because of my unusual language learning experience, I always tell people about how language proficiency can really open up a whole new world. A large portion of how humans think is related to their language structures, so learning a new language is sometimes like learning a whole new way to think. There are certain ideas and concepts that simply cannot be translated and you must learn the language and understand the cultural context to really get it.

In order to feel like a part of a culture, you have to be able to think in the ways of that culture, right? Language is indeed an important missing piece of the puzzle, so I would definitely encourage you to learn. On the other side of the coin, I always strongly encourage new immigrants to English speaking countries to improve and polish their English. Language skills help smooth out every interaction in life, so it has a huge influence over whether a person feels well-integrated into a group or society.

On Illogical Thinking (and the False Dilemma Fallacy)

While your feelings are valid and a typical part of the immigrant family experience, the thing for me to address is your perspective and the flawed thinking underlying it. Unfortunately, the dilemma you're describing is a false dilemma. A false dilemma (aka false dichotomy) is a logical fallacy that happens when people, intentionally or unintentionally, grossly oversimplify a situation to the point where it seems like there are only two options, usually two diametrically opposed options.

In psychology, the false dilemma fallacy is related to well-known cognitive distortions such as all-or-nothing, black-and-white, and either/or thinking patterns. The problem with dichotomous thinking is it easily becomes extreme and prevents you from developing a more realistic understanding of the situation from which to make sound judgments and decisions.

People indulge dichotomous thinking because it works as an ego defense mechanism. It can protect you from feeling too challenged (by uncomfortable ideas), from having to confront your own intellectual shortcomings (of being unable to handle complexity), or from feelings of failure or inferiority. It's good that you at least recognize you're making blanket statements, but being unable to stop means that Ti remains too immature to be helpful. In terms of critical thinking skills, bad habits like blanket statements and stereotyping are indications that one's thinking has become terribly oversimplified and/or extreme.

[As an aside for anyone interested, the false dilemma fallacy is so pervasive that it feels like a perfectly normal and acceptable human thinking pattern. Most people can't detect it in themselves even when they know about it. In politics, people in power use this fallacy intentionally to divide and conquer the public. It's a way of pitting people against each other into "teams" or "camps" and then forcing them to pledge loyalty to one side or else get branded a traitor (i.e. us vs them). If you don't want to be easily manipulated by such rhetorical tricks, it's important to improve critical thinking skills and learn how to identify logical fallacies.]

As you mentioned, due to frustration and hurt, your thinking on this matter has become much too reductive and negative, for example: acceptance vs rejection; this culture vs that culture; me vs them; etc. Part of this has to do with the friction that naturally arises between the old culture vs the new culture. Part of this has to do with the friction that arises between Fe vs Ti development. Part of this has to do with the friction that arises between the adolescent need for social acceptance vs the adult need for independence. When you're constantly feeling torn in half by such forces, it's very easy to start thinking in dichotomies and believe that they are real.

How can you tell when a dichotomy is real or false? There's a very simple question you can ask: "Are those really the only two options?" Basically, to combat the false dilemma fallacy, you have to cultivate the ability to consider all possibilities. If you discover there are more than two viable possibilities, the dichotomy is immediately exposed as false, nullified. At that point, new doors should suddenly open up for understanding the situation with more nuance and complexity - the keys to wisdom.

The term "third culture kid" comes from the idea that the parents express the "first" culture, society expresses the "second" culture, and the "third" culture comes from a unique and complicated blend between the two. Already, the term "third culture kid" implies that there are more than two options. To be fair, you did address a third option in the form of the immigrant population building their own unique subculture within the larger mainstream culture, but you seemed to quickly dismiss it, thus leaving you feeling stranded. The solution to your (false) dilemma lies in the third culture option, so you shouldn't be so quick to dismiss it.

On Culture

At the risk of sounding elitist, I believe that most people have a very superficial understanding of culture, and chances are this includes your family and their immediate social circle. Unless they are expert historians or academics who specialize in Society & Culture, I wouldn't trust them to teach me about culture, or at least, I wouldn't use them as my only source. Why?

For most people, cultural identity is simply an inheritance. For example, parents act out certain beliefs, values, and practices that they got from their parents and their parents got from their parents and their parents got from their parents, and so on. And now it's your turn.

Most of the time, people don't know the full historical roots/context of their cultural beliefs and practices; they were merely socialized to adopt them unconsciously by default. That's why people tend to stick with the religion they were born into. It's the path of least resistance. In other words, people use culture to conform and fit in but they don't really understand the concept beyond that.

What immigration does is disrupt the path of least resistance. Suddenly, culture is pushed to the forefront, rather than seeping in quietly through the back. Suddenly, culture becomes a thing, a tension, a friction, a clash, a problem to be solved. This can be a bad thing if it produces unsettling divisions. But it can also be a great thing because awareness can lead to freedom.

When you wield freedom intelligently and responsibly, it can produce new-found appreciation of cultural practices, improvements and upgrades to cultural beliefs, as well as the formation of new and more meaningful cultural identities.

Being a country of immigrants, the US is full of cultural/ethnic enclaves. Observe them on any given holiday celebration and you'll see people pulling out their traditional ceremonial dress/regalia, their best cultural artwork, cultural music and dance, and of course their favorite cultural foods.

It is often the case that these people wouldn't make such a big fuss about the holiday celebration had they stayed in their home country. However, being away from home for so long, cultural practices and traditions take on a whole new flavor, a much deeper meaning. Celebration isn't just routine but something one feels one must do in order to affirm one's identity and preserve one's cultural heritage.

On Cultural Identity

When you are the dominant cultural group in society, you're not forced to think about culture, so culture doesn't seem very important. Born and raised in the US "melting pot", maybe you want to lean in that direction. I don't think you fully realize that one of the greatest things about being an immigrant is that it puts you in a position to appreciate just how important culture can be in strengthening identity and adding meaning to existence.

It sounds like you haven't done enough to understand your culture because your view is too narrow and one-sided. You toss around ideas related to culture, race, nationality, society, and politics very carelessly, conflating concepts that ought to be kept separate.

For example, you claim that your country of origin doesn't have much national pride, but I don't know how that's relevant. We're not talking about nationality. We're talking about culture. Every area of this earth where people live has a culture because there is a rich history of how they got there and how they came to be what they are today.

I would say that your understanding of culture is too limited to be useful. If that's true, it's no wonder you don't feel any belonging. You can't be a meaningful participant in something that you don't understand. You can't have a cultural identity when you don't know what culture really is.

Over the years, I've met a lot of older "dissidents", people who fled communist regimes such as the former USSR, China, Albania, Vietnam, etc. Some of them have never had the opportunity to return home or didn't want to. At this point, their idea of what counts as "Russian Culture" or "Chinese Culture" is very different than the current citizens of those countries.

Is the immigrant who holds tight to certain traditions from before the communist revolution more or less righteous than the current citizen of the country who views them as backward? You could say that the immigrant has preserved and honored the culture that was lost, which is an important service. Or you could say that the immigrant is stuck in the past and needs to get with the times.

Who gets to say what counts or doesn't count toward a cultural identity? Who gets to say which cultural beliefs, values, practices, and rituals persist and which get abandoned? These are not easy questions to answer but they reveal just how complicated culture and cultural identity are as concepts.

If you were to sit down and learn about your culture as an outsider, like opening up a book in the library, your experience of the culture would be quite different, wouldn't it? It's not unusual for a third culture kid to earnestly get back in touch with their roots, starting from scratch like an elementary school student, only to be surprised and amazed by its great complexity, a complexity they weren't able to access through their parental social circle alone.

If you think cultural identity is merely what you inherit from your parents and their one generation, then you're always going to struggle with it, because who wants to be just another cog in that long assembly line? However, if you're able to think about cultural identity in a more objective way, in broader historical terms, you'll start to understand that cultural identity is never just one thing and it certainly isn't fixed. It is always evolving.

You can be part of cultural evolution by transforming culture into a meaningful identity for a new era. You can patiently negotiate the tensions and synthesize the best of what the culture has to offer. But this requires reflection and learning. It takes work. Are you willing to work for your cultural identity? This is what it means to take full advantage of the third culture option.

For instance, over the years I've known several Muslim colleagues with similar ethnic backgrounds. I met them independently, so they are not related to each other. The way each of them chooses to express the culture of their home country is quite different, yet still deeply meaningful. One wears a hijab, one doesn't. One is strictly halal, one is more flexible. They all identify as feminist, which they complained that many people found hard to believe.

I would say all of them are equally devoted to their cultural identity. And even though they largely share the same cultural identity, there is still space for diverse individual expression, because they themselves made the space for it. It may console you to know that all of them, no matter the generation of immigrant, had to go through a difficult process of negotiating with their culture in order to find their own way of expressing it comfortably.

On Type Development (Especially Fe)

For INFJs, long term struggle with belonging is usually related to immature Fe and Ti loop that leads you to believe there are only two choices, either conform or rebel (and be lonely) - it is a false dilemma.

Is the problem really found in the culture/society out there, or is the problem more about how you don't feel understood, because you don't really understand yourself? Perhaps it is easier to blame culture/society for its deficits than to confront the emptiness of your own identity? At least you can feel fake powerful as you sit in judgment and resent "them" out there? This way of thinking isn't uncommon for loop prone INFJs, it's just that your case has the added element of cultural identity.

It seems you haven't given enough serious thought to the CHOICE you have as an individual. This could be related to a weak sense of self that arises from immature Fe and/or lagging ego development. At the age of 24 and coming much later in birth order, you probably haven't yet established full psychological independence from parents/family, so you still struggle with personal agency.

It's hard to feel like a culture is "mine" when you haven't done enough to actively connect with it. The way you talk, it's like you expect a group to warmly accept you when you've done nothing to show that you are a deserving member (e.g. you haven't even passed the initiation ritual of learning enough of the language). Too many third culture kids assume automatic membership through their parents, but if you can't hack it on your own, what's going to happen once your parents are gone? Does your cultural identity die with them?

You're also still thinking like a teenager in terms of "I have to do it their way, or their way"… but what about YOUR way? It may sound counterintuitive, but feeling acceptance and belonging is much more difficult when you don't know yourself and haven't found your own independent voice, let alone your own cultural voice. Perhaps you assume individual expression of identity is all well and good but it doesn't lead to belonging when you're the only one.

Actually, real acceptance and belonging - not to be confused with conformity - can only come when 1) you know yourself well enough to 2) express and assert who you are in a way that helps others understand and embrace you.

Fe is not about you standing there, like a sad sack, staring longingly out at the world hoping to belong somewhere, anywhere. It's about you actively communicating who you are to people in a way that helps them understand why they ought to like you and connect with you. Do you understand the difference? In other words, you have yet to learn and express the "e" in Fe and actively integrate yourself into the relationship, group, organization, culture, or society.

Many people unconsciously seek to find themselves through belonging to something larger than themselves, especially if they were deprived of belonging in adolescence. But when you don't have a strong enough sense of self to begin with, belonging easily morphs into conformity and losing what little self you have (see cult members as an extreme example).

As an independent adult, the idea of conformity should seem distasteful, but the answer doesn't have to be the complete opposite of going it alone. Rebellion is just a knee-jerk reaction, an immature expression of resentment or hurt. There is a more nuanced and complicated third option of establishing the right balance between the opposing forces of individual and collective. But that's only possible if there is a solid enough self to work with in the first place.

You have to get in touch with your needs and wants, be honest and open about what they are, and work to get them fulfilled in healthy and productive ways. You have to develop yourself enough to know your strengths and positive attributes, so you have something to offer to the relationship or group. You have to explore the culture enough to know what you like or love about it and want to adopt as part of your life. Finding your voice and using it is a necessary step to healthy belonging.

As for other steps, don't discount your peers. One of the great things about living in a country of immigrants (let's leave current events in the US aside for this discussion) is that there are plenty of third culture kids just like you, going through similar struggles. If you didn't have much exposure to them growing up due to the demographics of your area, you can always go looking for them as an adult. They are uniquely positioned to relate and understand. And they don't necessarily even have to be from the same culture.

Just the other day, I witnessed a Nigerian and a Chinese immigrant bonding over the fact that they both grew up in a rural environment and they didn't understand how Westerners could enjoying camping, because they fought tooth and nail to get out of those living conditions. I heard the Nigerian say, "I feel like I'm looking at another black person because our experiences are so similar!" Another thing they didn't know they had in common is that both cultures highly value education.

There are so many ways for people to bond through culture because culture is very broad and multifaceted. Fe tells you to build on the commonalities/likes instead of always fixating on the differences/dislikes. If you truly want to find yourself within a culture, it's not going to happen through constant criticism of it, because then you're blinding yourself to the good and the valuable. By damning the world, you damn yourself, because you are a part of the world regardless of believing/feeling otherwise. Living a life of the damned doesn't sound very appealing.

Through commonalities, third culture kids can come up with creative ways to express cultural identity positively and meaningfully, to build community and belonging for each other and support each other through struggles. Again, express the "e" in Fe and create what you need instead of waiting to be catered to.

Sure, not every third culture kid cares as much as you do, but you only have to find a handful that do. One great thing that came out of the "woke" Obama period was that more immigrant voices felt empowered to talk about and even write about their experiences and what culture means to them. Read those memoirs and stories and you'll see just how not alone you are.

It's important to remember that there are different kinds of friends that serve different kinds of purposes in life. You should absolutely have some friends that help address your cultural needs. It's unfortunately too common for INFJs and introverts in general to feel excluded because they don't understand that the magic of friendship is found in the diversity of perspectives they can bring you. Don't lock yourself into thinking that friendship has to look one particular way, otherwise you'll miss out on a lot of good socializing opportunities.

Unfortunately, a lot of third culture kids grow up isolated and don't really get a full appreciation of their culture until such time that they intentionally EXPAND THEIR SOCIAL CIRCLE to include 1) more third culture kids from outside of family, and 2) more people with deep knowledge about their culture's history and language.

For example, taking a proper language course at your local college would expose you to people who really love the culture for a variety of reasons. That could open up your eyes to the positive aspects of the culture and inspire you to keep learning. Also, going out of your way to get involved in the culture beyond your family's social circle could grant you a more well-rounded perspective of the culture.

Being academically inclined, one thing I liked to do when I lived abroad was take a deep dive into the culture's history. I would investigate their most well-known thinkers and philosophers. I would also spend a lot of time learning about musical history because I love history and I love music, so why not combine them? It was a very enjoyable way to understand the culture's language, values, and preoccupations over time.

Music was an especially great way to bond with people at outings and celebrations. This was my way to actively search for things to appreciate and love about the culture, through which I could actively facilitate relationships with people of that culture. They would sometimes be amazed that I knew more than them. This is the advantage of coming at culture from a more objective vantage point, rather than relying solely on family inheritance.

Express the "e" in Fe to expand your cultural horizons and you'll be surprised at how much easier it is to integrate into a cultural group. People are much more welcoming when you show that you appreciate the culture right at the start. But when you approach them in a way that screams "outsider", such as bothering them to explain simple language you could easily look up on your own or only being able to think of what sucks about the culture, don't be surprised that they give you the cold shoulder. Don't make it so easy for people to exclude you by giving them every reason to.

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We all have our own set of challenges to deal with in life. You have to gracefully accept that cultural belonging will be a part of your developmental path because of being from an immigrant family + the importance of Fe in your stack.

Why waste mental energy envying those who don't face the same challenges when that energy could be spent more productively? For example, would you seriously rather sit stuck in resentment forever than learn a language that would open up the door to the belonging you seek? That's not a rational choice, is it? It's self-sabotage.

A friend of mine is like you, born to immigrant parents in the new country, and they don't have any connection to their culture and can't speak the language. While cultural identity might not be subjectively important to them at this time in life, objectively speaking, they are missing out on something valuable and their existence is more shallow for it. Deep down, they know it, but they just don't want to put in the work. They don't prioritize cultural belonging, which is their valid choice to make, but it does leave them adrift and lonelier in life.

A white (Canadian) friend of mine once said something in passing that I thought was very interesting. He said he envied people with a rich cultural heritage because he felt so bland or "vanilla" by comparison. This kind of sentiment isn't uncommon and it reveals just how much of this topic is a matter of perspective.

You have to put in time and effort to expand your perspective beyond the subjectivity of your personal upbringing. Do you honestly believe that your family's social circle (and its unhealthy dynamics) or the current political regime in your country of origin is fully representative of the entire culture and its rich history?

Take Afghanistan and China as two good examples. What's currently happening in those countries is actually not very useful for understanding the richness of their cultures. Imagine that I had dismissed my Muslim friends because I hate the Taliban or my Chinese friends because I hate that communist government. I'd get called a bigot, but aren't you doing the same kind of oversimplification of your own culture with your blanket criticisms? It might even be a case of internalized racism. You recognize that "they aren't all like that", well then, go find the ones who aren't, rather than only paying attention to the ones who confirm your biases.

If you are serious about cultural identity, then you have to see past the hurt. When something is important to you, own it rather than deny it, otherwise your needs will go unmet until the day you die. You owe it to yourself to get out there and learn as much as you can about the culture in order to have enough to work with for building a cultural identity for yourself. The process would also help you develop Fe. Two birds with one stone.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: I'm INFJ and oftentimes, I am being delusional. I wish and hope for certain things to be a case, either small ones (like I don't want to miss a bus), or big ones (like I'm gonna find an apartment to rent). But, other than hoping, I might neglect doing things that will lead me to achieve those. And, I might be neglecting reality of things.

It feels the most obvious, when right before doing something that would bring me further from my value/goal, I feel anxiety and a hunch that things will go badly, but I'm quick to dismiss it and convince myself that I'm gonna luck out and it's actually fine and I'm not gonna suffer consequences.

For example, I'm interested in not creating a noise, and to keep my dishes clean, but I still might just carry them in such a way that with one misstep all of them will fall. For a little convenience of not wasting time on rearranging the dishes so they are stable, I convince myself that it's fine if I'm careful. And oftentimes, such approach leads me to making mistakes and suffering my predicted consequences.

I would like to understand what functions I'm using in these situations: when I'm predicting a bad thing will happen, am I using Ni or Se or both? Ni as in I'm looking at the future, and Se as in I'm assessing reality and recognising a dangerous situation? When I'm convincing myself that everything will be okay, am I using Ni? Can it be that I'm using Ni to repress Ni? And, how do you recommend me to get rid of this habit? Usually I make bad decisions so quickly that I don't have time to reflect and stop myself.

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The functional stack works as a whole, so it's not just Ni or even only Ni and Se. I think your way of understanding the situation is symptomatic of your functions being underdeveloped.

The INFJ stack goes NFTS. NF are the higher functions, TS are the lower functions. This means you implicitly prioritize NF over TS.

Ni+Fe means your intuitions and feelings often get mingled together. You're not just envisioning, but also "feeling" what you believe is the objective "truth" of things. Unfortunately, neither is a direct connection to reality. For that, you need TS. Piecing together various factors to predict cause and effect is Ti. Being in touch with current concrete reality is Se.

The sticking point is that, when a function is immature or not developed enough, you're more likely to misuse it due to (unconscious) ego issues. For example, ideally, Ni envisions things realistically, but when immature, it mainly envisions what you want or hope to happen, which may or may not line up with reality. And when the dominant function is immature, the other functions are rendered kind of useless, turned into mere playthings for the wacky Ni in charge.

Applying this to you: You're envisioning hopeful or desirable outcomes (Ni) by piecing together cause and effect (Ti). But when Ti comes to a correct prediction/conclusion that doesn't agree with Ni, you choose N because 1) it's the dominant function and 2) your ego is too attached to what you want/hope/assume to be true rather than what is actually true.

To make matters worse, it's all too easy for bossy Ni to turn the lower Ti against itself by coming up with "reasons" why it's wrong. This kind of rationalization is a common manifestation of Ni+Ti loop. What's even worse is that some delusional INFJs get direct feedback about being wrong (Fe) and they still won't listen. Se can enter the picture in some cases where there are obvious concrete signs that something is wrong but you easily ignore/dismiss them because S is at the bottom of the stack.

S being at the bottom of the stack can also distort your vision of what is actually possible. Perhaps it leads you to assume that something can be done much more quickly and smoothly than is realistic. Usually this is because Ni is too idealistic and only considers the ideal scenario. Basically, N overshadows or clouds over S. Misjudgment of reality comes from S being too far away, so your view of reality is too distant or blurry.

If you've read the study guides, you should already know that the auxiliary function is usually the key to resolving most developmental issues. Do you understand your Fe, what it's for, what it does, how it works, etc?

The problem with relying only on your own judgment (Ti) is that you have no way of knowing when your judgment is wrong or that the "logic" only makes sense to you but no one else. Functions come in pairs and cannot operate optimally without each other. Ti needs Fe because Fe basically introduces ways for you to check yourself.

If that seems abstract, here's an illustrative example. Imagine that you were tasked with carrying a giant pile of dishes to the kitchen:

In scenario A, you are left alone to carry it as you normally would, just like in your example.

In scenario B, someone will be observing you and evaluating your performance the entire way, and then giving you a final grade. If you cannot get above a certain grade, there will be consequences.

In which scenario would you have a higher chance of success? Scenario B forces you to be more careful, to consider your method, and to guarantee success. The stakes feel different, so the consequences of failure hit differently. This is similar to what Fe can do for you.

What this example shows you is that you haven't yet developed the ability to see yourself from the outside, from a more objective vantage point. Therefore, your judgment suffers. You rely mainly on your own expectations or hopes or assumptions (Ni) and overlook everything else (Fe+Ti+Se).

As explained in the study guides, allowing the dominant function to run wild while the other functions get neglected is a recipe for dominant extremes and eventually inferior grip problems. Thinking you know better when you don't is a kind of arrogance that needs to be remedied with humility, which promotes a willingness to think things through properly with the help of all the functions. Why do you think some unhealthy INFJs gradually retreat from reality? Because every time they deal with reality, they keep making painful mistakes. Until they acknowledge that Ni can't go it alone, they can't find a way forward.

[mbti-notes]

Can STs be intellectual too? If "intellect" is the ability to understand things & complicated ideas? I keep seeing the trait intellectual used to describe Ns, but any well educated people who love studying could be described as intellectual, right?

There are two potential problems with the framing of your question.

The first is that there seems to be an underlying "typism" informing the question. Do you feel it is unfair that Ns are called "intellectual" because it means they are naturally "smarter" than Ss? I don't know what you're reading and it's not my job to address the misconceptions of other authors. The only thing I will say is that pitting the types against each other (in a hierarchical fashion) is inappropriate and reveals a fundamental misunderstanding of what type theory is really about.

The second problem arises because of not defining terms properly. You don't get to just make up definitions for well-established words. The words "intellect", "intelligence", "intellectual", and "well-educated" all have very different meanings and connotations in English.

- Intellect refers to the aspect of the mind that is primarily used for reasoning and analysis. Anyone with typical brain functioning uses their intellect for judgment and decision-making, with varying degrees of success.

- Intelligence is a very controversial concept in psychology because it is very difficult to define, perhaps because it is easily culturally biased. It is generally used to describe how well a person learns, understands, applies knowledge, and/or develops their aptitudes, talents, capabilities, skills, strengths, etc. There may be many different kinds of intelligences. Different people may exhibit varying degrees of intelligence depending upon complicated factors such as: genetic inheritance, biological constraints, environmental influence, and access to quality learning resources.

- Intellectual refers to a person who devotes a large portion of their life and critical thinking abilities to reflect on and reason about abstract subjects such as: the nature of reality; the essence of human existence; the state or direction of society; moral philosophy; etc. Only a very small minority of people qualify as "intellectual".

- Well-educated, superficially, refers to anyone who has received a good quality, formal, usually post-secondary education. However, it does traditionally have a deeper connotation that refers to someone who is very "well-read", i.e., possessing intensive and/or extensive post-secondary-level knowledge about various topics (that are of importance to a well-functioning society). A person who "loves studying" is perhaps on their way to being "well-educated", but the two are not equivalent. Perhaps the most you could say is that they are a "conscientious student", or more generously, a "lifelong learner".

With regard to personality type:

Everyone needs to use their intellect for making decisions, though, on average, Ts might derive more success from applying intellect than Fs, simply because of having a natural preference for logical reasoning. However, it is important to remember that good decision-making in life often involves more than just intellect.

Intelligence and personality type are separate concepts, though they might interact with each other in interesting ways with regard to type development. Unintuitively, it is quite possible for intelligence and type development to be inversely related.

Statistically, Ns are more likely to be intellectuals than Ss simply because they possess a greater natural preference for abstract thinking. However, it is important to note that there are many Ns who don't like abstract thinking of the kind or to the degree that intellectuals enjoy.

Statistically, Ns are more drawn to post-secondary educational settings than Ss because, culturally, that level of education tends to value and reward abstract thinking related abilities. However, it is important to remember that Ss are capable of abstract thinking, and not all Ns prefer the kind of abstract thinking that is required at the university level.

None of these facts should be taken to imply that any types are superior or inferior to the others. To jump from simple facts into making value judgments about who is better/worse is to commit the is-ought logical fallacy.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hey. I'm a 22 y.o INFJ who's written to you before and after spending months dealing this issue, I'm stuck, so I'm back to ask for help and external input. I have a dilemma that I don't know how to face and solve.

I am ugly and I'm unsure whether to undergo plastic surgery, specifically a rhinoplasty. It's the aspect for which I have been bullied the most. I have retrognathism, and my nose is big and crooked, if I make it smaller I would at least look average. I don't even wanna be beautiful, I just wished I was average, ”passable“.

On one hand, I don't want to because I want to be loved for who I am and because it goes against my values, but I feel alone in my stance and fight, like no one around me agrees with me and I've been encouraged multiple times to get rhinoplasty, including my mother, so I feel alone and hopeless; I admire people who are below average yet they fully onw it and live and socialize freely.

But paradoxically, if I had my nose fixed, my self-esteem would decrease because I would have done something against my values, something I personally don't respect. So my self-respect would diminish even more.

On the other hand, if I had my nose fixed, I would feel more comfortable in public. Due to my appearance, I haven't left the house for almost a decade. I would like to go to club, but I don't because I think I would be humiliated for my looks, as I believe those environments are populated by superficial people interested physical beauty. Those places are also monopolized by my former bullies during adolescence, and I suspect there are other men with similar personalities like theirs who would harass and insult me.

If I had my nose fixed, I wouldn't become beautiful, but I would have an average appearance, so I wouldn't be upset if I were insulted because I would know I am objectively average. However, it pains me every time I am insulted for my looks because I agree with them, they think people who are ugly are less worth, and I also think that if I am ugly I have less worth, I don't know how to counter that statement.

I can't accept being ugly, I want to be beautiful. I can't accept my physical appearance, so the insults hurt me. I'm not able to accept my face and I cannot accept the consequences it brings, such as fewer social privileges. I don't even want people to fall off my feet, I just want to be neutral, not disadvantaged.

But at the same time, I don't want to have my face fixed because I want to be loved for who I am and because I wouldn't admire myself if I did it. But if I did, I would finally feel comfortable going to nightclubs and social events in general, despite it not producing any change in my self-esteem. I don't accept my face and I get offended by insults, partly because I have a tendency to control how others perceive me, but I don't know why.

I don't know what to do, whether to have my nose fixed or not. If I did it, my self-esteem would drop because I would be betraying my values. If I didn't do it, I would continue to struggle with socializing, feeling comfortable in groups, crowds, and nightlife venues. Those are the activities I actually wanna do, but my appearance has always stopped me. I'm at loss on how to solve this dilemma, how to accept my face and the consequences that come with it, and how to stop being a control freak who wants to control the minds of the entire human race, the perceptions and judgements they have on me.

My self-worth would not change either way, because in both cases I am unable to accept my appearance and its consequences, but if I did surgery I would feel comfortable with other people at least, even if my controlling tendencies wouldn't disappear. But I don't want to do it. I don't wanna do it but I cannot come up with any argument that's strong enough to convince me to accept my appearance, or that would give me the strength to stand up for my values, and it's due to my control freakness I don't exactly know the cause of and cannot solve.

Because even if I know that wanting to control everybody's perception so they approve of me is not even rational, productive and convenient for leaving a happy life, it's like an impulse I cannot stop from activating. Lastly, I don't hide that my thought of getting surgery has been fueled even more after a ”sort of“ ex got mad at me for ignoring his courting attempts (justifiably so, after betrayal), so he started flirtring with multiple attractive women at once in front of me multiple times at every chance he encounters me in the wild.

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By definition, a "dilemma" means there is no perfect answer. Either option will produce undesirable consequences. Therefore, the question isn't whether there is a "right" answer, rather, the question is which undesirable consequences are you most willing to accept and endure. Usually, the best way to sort out a dilemma is to rank or prioritize a comprehensive list of benefits/costs according to how important they are to you.

If you reread what you wrote, you might be able to see how you're going around in endless circles, which is a sign of unhealthy rumination. This is partly because you're unwilling to accept the reality of the situation.

We are all saddled with a variety of challenges in life, be they related to physical appearance/ability, socioeconomic status, negative environment, lack of resources, etc. The manner in which you meet those challenges will determine whether you grow as a person and build the inner strength necessary to take full ownership over yourself, or whether you keep doing harmful things that sabotage your well-being and future prospects. Accepting that life is imperfect, full of hardships to deal with and learn from, is an important part of growing up into adulthood, especially for Ns.

That being said, I'm not here to make decisions for people. It's not anyone's place to convince or influence you one way or another. It's a very personal decision that you have to make and take full responsibility for. Relying on others can be dangerous if it increases the chances of you betraying yourself.

If you were my friend, my kid, my student, or my colleague asking for advice, I'd say the following: Perhaps it's a good idea to get some therapy and work through your issues surrounding toxic shame and low self-worth. Do you honestly believe that a bully is going to stop bullying you once you have changed your appearance to appease them? If you hope to have the right frame of mind to make a potentially life-altering decision, you must first be capable of a broader and healthier perspective than the very narrow victim mindset you are currently stuck in.

[mbti-notes]

How to become self aware and label myself if I feel like I'm always fake/lying??

Your question is like asking "How can I be healthy if I keep bingeing on cake and soda every day?" The short answer is "you can't".

If you prefer to be fake or lie to yourself, why do you even care about being self-aware? What is the purpose of your question? What is your motivation for being here? If you don't provide any details to help me understand your perspective, how shall I respond?

Generally speaking, building self-awareness is a crucial first step in psychological growth. Growth doesn't come for "free", otherwise we'd all be doing it all the time. If you want a plant to grow and bloom, you must nurture it with sunlight, water, and the right kinds of nutrients. Similarly, if you want to grow and flourish as a person, you must set up the right conditions for yourself to learn important lessons, adopt positive habits, and cultivate mental and physical well-being.

Becoming more self-aware isn't going to happen as long as you're unwilling to give up the "benefits" of fakery and deception. That is the cost you must pay. Pay it or not, it's up to you. Perhaps you can begin by asking yourself 1) why you believe fakery and deception are necessary, and 2) whether there is a better way forward.

[mbti-notes]

Hi. I'm INFJ 24 yo and I want to ask you about this. I feel an empathy burnt out because of my unhealthy Fe which is overly considerate and trying to understand people's point of view, resulting a Ni-Ti loop which makes me being selfish?

My mom always compares me to anyone, resulting me in the future constantly comparing my suffering to others. I always asked myself that I should suffer more because my pain doesn't compare to them, I have to suffer more so I can reach my goal. I don't know if this count as invalidating my feelings or not, because sometimes I feel guilty to feel not having the same wavelength of other's suffering, I even view myself as a spoiled person.

Nowadays, I'm torn between overly understanding or being selfish because of this Fe aux problem.

It doesn't sound like you have understood Fe, perhaps you have more studying to do. Fe is about social harmony. In a relationship, if you say something insensitive that makes the other person feel hurt, there is a feeling of disharmony, and Fe prompts you to smooth things over in a timely manner. From the other side, though, if you behave in a way that makes you devalue yourself, your feelings, or your perspective, do you feel "harmonious" in the relationship? Fe should prompt you to address and resolve those negative feelings in a timely manner as well.

There is no genuine social harmony when you have not found your rightful place in a social environment, when there is even one person in a relationship/group that feels disconnected or rejected. Everyone's needs must be kept in a healthy balance. Being unfair to yourself is a big problem because it means you always place yourself on the lonely outside; you are actively excluding yourself and tacitly granting permission to others to dismiss or mistreat you. Taking care of yourself, i.e., treating your needs as equally important as anyone else's, is an essential aspect of establishing social harmony. How can you be a positive contributor to any relationship, group, organization, or society when you keep falling apart out of self-neglect or self-harm?

The question you ought to be reflecting on is why you treat yourself so poorly, seeing yourself as undeserving or inferior to others, even going so far as to force yourself to suffer more than others in order to feel worthy of acceptance/love/success. Suffering is not a competition. You mention the way you were treated by your mom. It sounds like her insensitivity led you to conclude that you are worth less than others. Perhaps it would benefit you to get some therapy and address the issue of low self-worth, to challenge the old childhood programming. This is a topic that comes up often, so see previous posts as well.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: hi. I'm infp f26. I have self-image issues due to bad experiences. I'm very concerned about my (lack of) beauty and secretly care so much about what people think of me, whether they see me as ugly, inferior, or awkward. I fear people's judgment, outside and inside their heads. recently, I read something like this: "advice for unconfident people?" "I think you think too much about yourself" I thought about it, and I think it might be the reason for my self-obsession. I always look at new experiences/people through my own lens "will it hurt me emotionally?" "will it make me look bad?"

I imagine not thinking with my lens, and a feeling arose, an unaffected/not resentful feeling when I remember the words from ppl who insulted me unfairly & a feeling of wanting to understand other people. It's still a fuzzy feeling though. I guess my question is, am I on the right track? I read that fi self-focused, and it's difficult to be positive about the world when you think of yourself as negative, or difficult to care about others when you're still struggling emotionally. so, can I genuinely care about other people/things even if I'm struggling with intense shame and fears? thank you

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The topic of physical appearance has been discussed before, be sure to read previous posts.

Regarding Shame

First and foremost, if this problem is serious enough to hold you back from living the life you hope to live, I would suggest you get professional therapy for it. From what I've seen, toxic shame is usually a very complicated issue that requires outside help to unpack, especially if it is also intertwined with other deep-seated issues such as: low self-esteem, (social) anxiety, or depression.

You are on the right track in implicating "self-focus", as it is related to a key developmental concern for INFPs: lack of objectivity. When the problem is that you aren't able to see yourself realistically because your subjective "lens" is too distorted, then you need an objective pair of eyes from the outside to help "correct your sight".

When your eyes don't see well, your quality of life would be greatly improved by getting fitted for a good pair of glasses, right? Would you just suffer with the headache of blurry vision forever? I hope not. I hope you would reach out to get the help you need.

Why automatically assume that people's judgments about you are always or only negative? If you suffer from toxic shame, it is because those judgments are actually rooted in how YOU judge yourself. When you look down upon yourself, it's easy to imagine that others do so as well. It's a form of projection.

Of course, toxic shame doesn't come out of nowhere. Like you said, you've had bad past experiences that "taught" you to judge yourself harshly. A therapist could help you understand and "reprogram" those faulty thought patterns. Also, Ne development could help you remember to consider the positive possibilities as well, which would make your perspective much more balanced.

Regarding Judgment

Do you judge people by their looks? If you say 'no', you're being dishonest. The truth is all humans do it. However, just because things are a certain way, doesn't mean there's nothing you can do about it. While human beings can't change the brain they have, they can absolutely change how they choose to use it. To accomplish this requires you to have a better understanding of how your mind works. Improving your self-awareness is the first step.

The human brain is made to judge, even prejudge, because rapid judgment is necessary for survival. For a large part of our evolution, we were constantly being bombarded by threats to our survival. Without being able to assess situations very quickly, humans would've had a very hard time escaping from predators, toxic environments, or other imminent dangers.

As mortal beings made of fragile flesh, a significant portion of our mental activity is to this day still devoted to monitoring threats and ensuring survival. This mental activity is always running in the background, beyond conscious awareness in the "early" brain, even when you're asleep.

However, don't forget that humans also evolved the "later" brain, through which we learned to reflect, reason, deliberate, and make conscious and carefully considered judgments and decisions. It is because of this part of your brain that you are capable of changing your mind and correcting yourself whenever necessary. Have you ever noticed that the more you like someone, the more physically attractive they seem to you over time? Your eyes didn't change, but your mind did, once it had more opportunity to perceive reality accurately.

Since the later brain is a much more recent part of our evolution, one could argue, based on the evidence, that human beings still have a lot to learn about how to put it to good use. I believe that the basic desire to improve oneself and one's life is motivated by the need to develop the potential of the later brain. There are several skills that would help you develop this part of your brain, including: mindfulness, critical thinking skills, and big picture thinking. Crucially, these three skills help you spot and correct the unsound judgments of the early brain.

When you meet a new person, your early brain works very quickly to size them up. In order to make quick judgments, your early brain has no choice but to rely on easily accessible information such as physical appearance. Physical appearance can provide many clues about what kind of person someone is because there are indeed underlying patterns in how people move, dress, and present themselves to the world. However, it's important to remember that these clues are preliminary, superficial, crude, and sometimes misleading.

For example, let's say you see someone walking down the street looking dour and wearing black. Do you automatically assume they are INTJ (according to the stereotype)? But what if they're just coming back from a funeral? By relying on quick prejudgments, there is a high probability of being wrong. This is the biggest drawback to how your early brain works; it'll provide you with wrong information because, in many cases, it's actually too early to formulate a sound judgment. You haven't collected enough information to see the bigger picture.

In a new situation, your early brain works very quickly to provide you with a lot of information, but generally low-quality information that hasn't been properly vetted, usually through memories, emotions, and intuitions. This is why we get so-called "vibes" from people or we sense something about their "aura", etc. The key point to remember is that all of this information coming in is fast and fleeting. Much like clouds moving around in the sky, your mind is always being populated with random thoughts about all manner of things. The question is: What do you choose to do with all that information?

If your later brain doesn't work well enough, you will just take that information at face value, and you'll completely buy into your prejudgments without a second thought. This is related to dominant Fi insofar as INFPs are very inclined to believe in their feeling-judgments and treat them as truth or 100% representative of reality without enough empirical facts to back it up (Fi over Te), which is how their "lens" becomes too subjective and distorted/biased.

But if your later brain works well enough and you are able to step back and think critically, it means you can properly discern which parts of the mental chatter to elevate, and then ignore the rest. For instance, when you're walking down the street, you may have a million fleeting thoughts about the people you pass by. Do any of those thoughts truly matter? Nope, because there were no threats or any points of interest to your existence. The thoughts were there one second and gone the next, as they should be.

Regarding Perspective

Applying this to your problem for example, if one of those strangers passing by looked at you funny for a second, perhaps you'd get all upset about it. You'd imagine that they're judging you for this or that. Essentially, you'd treat it as a "threat" to your survival, with all the accompanying negative emotions of fear, anxiety, or panic. Why?

Humans are social creatures. We succeeded as a species through learning how to cooperate within a tribe/clan. Social rejection was indeed a threat to survival if it meant that you were going to be left to fend for yourself in the wild. Thus, the human mind, being a social mind, is hardwired to fear rejection to some extent.

However, in modern city life, being ostracized is much less of a threat. Losing a few relationships here and there throughout life is normal and really no big deal when there are so many people with whom you could form new and better relationships. Healthy Ne would tell you that.

What you're doing is taking your early brain thoughts/feelings and amplifying them, assigning them meaning when they are actually quite meaningless. So what if that person was actually judging your appearance? You judged them as well. Yet nobody died. Someone doesn't like you? Oh well. You're not going to die. Big picture thinking helps you put things in better perspective when you're too caught up in the meaningless or trivial aspects of life.

At the end of the day, fleeting thoughts have no tangible effect in the real world. The point that introverts often miss: Your inner world isn't real until it directly and tangibly changes something in the outer world. Not understanding this constitutes Te blindness in INFPs.

Thus, you have a choice to make about which aspects of your inner world to make real. Are you going to amplify the fleeting, random, and meaningless thoughts/feelings of your early brain? Or are you going to use your much more reasonable later brain and only amplify the important and meaningful thoughts/feelings?

Whatever it is you think/feel doesn't have to mean anything unless you want it to and will it to. Use your willing power wisely. If you hope to be the kind of person that makes the world a better place, start by examining the kinds of beliefs and values you buy into and propagate. Do you want to be a superficial person living in a superficial society that only cares about physical appearances? If not, then be the one to change it by being something better.

Another point you might be missing: Do people not have a right to their own private thoughts, feelings, and opinions, even when you find them disagreeable or objectionable? Would you like someone to police your mind all the time? Why can't you simply let people have what rightfully belongs to them? It's almost like you can't feel comfortable or secure until everyone thinks the way you want them to. That ain't ever gonna happen.

You have to learn to coexist in a world with other people, and the best way to do that is to live and let live. By having the grace to let you be you and them be them, you not only draw a healthy psychological boundary between yourself and others, you'll finally feel the freedom to be authentically yourself, warts and all. This is what it means to have healthy Fi.

In short, stop letting imaginary mental chatter run your life, yours or other people's. It looks like, through exercising a bit of Ne imagination, you've already caught a glimpse of what that can look like, of being able to escape the prison of subjectivity and step into the objective. You have the power to only care about the things that truly matter in life. In order to accomplish this, you have to learn how to express your better self through the intellectual skills of your later brain. That moment you finally realize that not every thought and feeling is worthy of attention... you'll laugh and wonder why you took yourself so seriously in the first place.

[mbti-notes]

Hello! This question is going to be very quick and hopefully wont take up much of your time. In one of your blogs (specifically, under the section of possible confusion when it comes to typing) you said that an ESFP could easily come to the wrong conclusion that Se + Fi = Fe and an INTJ could wrongfully conclude that Ni + Te = Ti (in both cases when it comes to their own typing). How common is the self-mistype of Fe + Ni = Ne in young ENFJs? Also what would be the most-likely cause of such mistaken conclusion (assuming that said young ENFJ understands the fucntions and has done their research on them and therefore incomplete understanding of mbti is not the cause) ?

Common enough. Generally speaking:

"Young" in age means functions haven't had enough opportunity for substantial development.

The less developed the functions (especially the auxiliary function), the less self-aware a person is.

Low self-awareness tends to result in a distorted self-image.

Distorted self-image means you don't know yourself very well, and what you think you know is actually superficial or inaccurate.

The more distorted the self-image, the less authentic a person's personality expression tends to be.

[mbti-notes]

Hey there! I’m trying to understand better a certain concept of mbti in order to be able to type myself and others more accurately. It is being said that both maturity and life experiences can shape each person’s use of their own functions. Negative experiences and environments that don’t particularly favor a person’s dominant and/or auxilary functions can lead to attempts to rely on lower functions. Also, maturity can play a role as to whether a function is used in a healthy manner.

My question is what are some usual signs that someone is relying on functions that are not naturally high in the stack and thus there is some overall “dysfunction”, distress etc. How to tell that case apart from simply functions that are used in unhealthy ways but are still high in the stack? I know it’s different for each person individually but there should be some objective signs or tendencies that pin-point these cases more accurately. To be more specific, I really struggle to tell apart Fe looping and unhealthy/immature (dominant) Fe. Is there any solid way to differentiate them?

I can't answer this question because it's not how I do things. As explained in the study guides, my method of type assessment synthesizes information about all of the functions and how they work together as an entire stack. E.g. Dominant Fe would have a very different relationship to the other functions than tertiary Fe. Relying too much on behavioral/stereotypical signs of individual functions and not understanding that each position of the stack has a special cognitive role to play as part of a greater whole (i.e. type dynamics) is how people end up getting stuck in the confusion you describe.

[mbti-notes]

Cogntive function wise, between INFJ vs INFP, who would be more naive? You used to repost a fun ask about most to least gullible, & INFP ranked 1st while INFJ ranked nearly last. Seeing INTJ ranked higher in naivety compared to INFJ is already 1 thing. But I thought theres always a certain naivety in NFs? Or do FiNe in INFP allow them to accept & believe in possibilities a lot more easily than the NiFe in INFJ? But wouldnt inf Se make INFJ just as naive?

Joke posts are joke posts. And reposting doesn't necessarily mean I agree with the author. I don't agree in this case because, realistically, I don't think this is something that can be ranked by type.

Generally speaking, there are a lot of factors that can contribute to naivete. I would say "wisdom" that comes from life experience is probably the biggest factor, which is separate from personality type. E.g. Comparing a 15-year-old INFP and a 45-year-old INFJ is going to be very different than comparing a 15-year-old INFJ and a 45-year-old INFP.

As for "believing in possibility", there is indeed a difference between Ni and Ne that might influence naivete to some extent. Ni envisions what "will" be, i.e., wants to know which (future) reality is certain to come into being. By contrast, Ne envisions what "could" be, i.e., wants to change (current) reality into a potentiality or a state that doesn't yet exist. From this perspective, one could argue that Ni is better situated to perceive reality accurately than Ne.

This would of course be modified by how optimally a particular individual is able to use their functional stack. E.g. INFJs with well-oiled Ni+Ti are notoriously great at seeing through people. INFPs are great at visualizing potential through Ne, but not so good at seeing people's darker elements when Te is often overlooked.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hey mbti-notes. ISFP here. Love your blog! It's been super helpful for my own personal self-growth and understanding of others. Really appreciate all the live and care you put into this!

I have been struggling with a dilemma for quite some time now and was hoping you could give me some insight on the matter. I feel stuck, like I can't move forward. I'm 34 and have finally come to the realization that my mother has a cluster B personality disorder; likely narcassim. My sister was the golden child and I the scapegoat. We both had health issues growing up, but my sister got all my mother's attention. I think when my mother saw me she felt like a failure. My issues didn't really manifest until adolescence, and it wasn't something that could just be ignored, since it was physical in nature. She put the weight of the problem entirely on me. Though I had no way of knowing how to go about it. (I think she was fed up simply from my sister's issues. Both her daughter's sick?) This hurt and frustrated me up until about a year ago when I finally realized my well being was worth my resources. (Every morning until then was my personal living nightmare.) So here's my dilemma:

I've worked so hard to get to this point where I have accepted my mother's lack of care. And have realized my worth. I'm finally taking onus of my personal well-being and feeling in control. I don't necessarily view my mother as a bad person since I'm aware of epigenetics and brain traumas (though the way she treats others and myself is definitely a problem). It's hard but I'm learning to be more objective about her. She's hurting... But hasn't gotten help.

Recently, she has reached out, and reminded me of the time where she said once I figured out the issue and had it under control, she would pay for the treatment that would remove scarring. She proceeded to tell me that she knew me, and that I never ask for anything, so she wanted to remind me of her offer. (The only reason I never asked for anything was because I learned not to. I didn't matter in that family, so why would I ask for things?)

I don't know where to go from here.

On one hand I get the treatment I desire and can't afford right now, but will be reliant on her.

On the other, I get no treatment for now, but will at least still have autonomy.

I don't understand my mother's motive. I do believe people can change with the right help. I want to forgive and move on, since I know this is the way to healing, even from trauma. But to forgive, do I have to take her up on this offer? If I don't take this offer, am I holding onto resentment, or am I defining a boundary?

I've worked so hard to get over the feelings of not being able to rely on her as a parent. She can't start now, right? (Even at the time of the offer, when I first heard it as a teen, made me feel unsettled. Like she was throwing her hands up as a parent, but not admitting to it. It felt incongruent. It was weird.) If she wants a relationship, surely it will have to be different. Am I being self-destructive and overly self-righteous?

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When you've been consistently working on yourself in a forward-looking way, suddenly being forced to pause and look backwards again can feel daunting because of the threat of regression. It's understandable that you don't want to fall back into old patterns or turn back into that neglected child you were at the time.

However, we mustn't forget that you are now grown up, independent, and know how to set healthier boundaries. Maturity-wise, you are in a much better position now than you were before to handle the challenges of this parent-child relationship. Right...?

The question is: Can you be said to have made genuine progress if you can't face up to your past? Yes, it's hard to know how to proceed in this matter when you don't know her true motives. But why are you questioning her motives in the first place? It seems like trust is a big issue. But I don't only mean distrust of her, I'm also referring to whether or not you trust yourself.

Kids who grow up feeling like they can't trust their parents are prone to suffering from loneliness, insecure attachment, depression, and self-worth issues. After all, it's hard to feel like you matter when your own parents treat you as though you don't matter. And then it becomes your challenge in life to finally understand that you matter.

While it might feel like your childhood was a "disadvantage", I believe that everyone must go through the journey of learning their true worth as part of their process of self-actualization. And perhaps it's a journey with no real end. It's a lesson you have to keep revisiting and reinforcing throughout life. In order to learn the lesson deeply and thoroughly, so that it really sticks, you must be brave to meet and overcome every challenge to your self-worth. Otherwise, you might just be lying to yourself.

Whether or not your mom has an ulterior motive is not the key concern. You can never be absolutely certain about what's in someone else's heart. Are her motives altruistic, compensatory, manipulative...? Who knows? Do you want to miss out on an important opportunity simply because of speculation, because of the mere possibility that she's not being 100% altruistic? Who in this world is 100% altruistic? By inquiring down this road, you're missing the main point, and perhaps engaging in a bit of self-sabotage.

The main point is you have to trust that you can handle your mom no matter what motives she happens to have - this is what it means to be a real grown up with self-confidence. To put things in perspective, based on what you've described, the worst case scenario is not so severe that you have to be worried about things like getting beaten or murdered, right? The worst case scenario is you get a bit dramatic with a mom you have deep-seated resentment about. That's not even close to the end of the world, is it? It may feel like the end of the world to a powerless and vulnerable child, but that's not what you are anymore.

Sure, your mom isn't perfect and she may or may not be capable of change, but you don't have to be perfect to do something that actually helps a fellow human being, do you? Even despicable people have their shining moments. So what if there might be some strings attached to the offer? Do you not have the power to take control of the strings or cut them loose at any time? You don't have to be her puppet if you don't want to.

Yes, feelings like resentment, shame, and guilt are very powerful forces that keep parents and children enmeshed. But do you believe that these forces are so powerful that you must always run from them or that there is no possibility of overcoming them? They are just feelings, after all. Perhaps you need to give yourself more credit, as part of revisiting and reinforcing the lesson of knowing your own worth. If you have lingering resentment or feel easily shamed/guilted, isn't it better to face up to it and resolve it than to pretend the problem doesn't exist? Carrying around resentment for the rest of your life doesn't sound very appealing.

It's not my place to tell people what to decide. I only want to make sure you have enough perspective on the situation. Are you looking at this situation from the eyes of the weak and sad child you were back then, or from the eyes of the independent, objective, and mature person you are today at 34? Yes, that child will always be a part of you, but it need not be the one in charge. Make the decision that, in the long run, will be best for your well-being. Use Ni to visualize the possibilities as fully as you can, rather than allow Ni to be misled by old, outdated feelings. Which would you come to regret more, saying 'yes' or saying 'no' to this opportunity?