#this shit hit a little too hard
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puff is this an attack . i feel attacked
Freelancer died young.
It didn't matter what of; a freak accident, an illness, something the doctors can't name. It didn't change anything.
Gavin thought he knew every part of his Freelancer. The way their body felt in his hands, the delicate way their hands cradled his. The way they leant into his touch and the way they'd chuckle when he'd do the same. The sound of their laugh, their sobs, their moans. He knew all of it, he would know it blind or deaf or in the grave.
But he didn't know. Not all of them. And he'll never get to know.
He'll never the know the way their skin would wrinkle like old paper. He'll never get to memorise the crow feet at the corners of their eyes, to count each line on their face like stars in the night sky. He won't listen as their voice grows hoarse, soft.
Freelancer will never grow old at his side.
All he can do is hold their hand in a desperate grip, until goes limp. Until he has to be dragged away from the hospital bed and the healer had to pry his hand from theirs.
And just like that he knows nothing. The world is alien and strange and foreign. But what can he do?
He goes back to a too quiet apartment he doesn't belong in. To a friend group held together by the loosest of threads, of which his had just been cut. To a world that doesn't need him in it.
Left with only the faintest memory of a hand on his shoulder and the ghost of a laugh in his ear.
#this shit hit a little too hard#“and he'll never get to know”#my head is in my hands#i fall to my knees#oh my GOOODDDD#i don't need to sob in class right neow#how do i consume a post entirely#redacted audio#redacted asmr#redactedverse#redacted fandom#redacted gavin#redacted freelancer#freelancer gets hit by a car#<STOP!! I SHLDNT BE LAUGHING!!!!
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Shit day cancelled I gave myself a lil spoon Harry for a silly short comic I’m making
#now I’m fine again#little spoon Harry is everything#I won’t elaborate further#also drawing sleeping people is surprisingly hard#this shit gon be cute af#bittersweet but still sweet#I solely blame KUUMAA for this#Satama hit too hard#hp#draco malfoy#harry potter#drarry#wip#vee art
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Listening to Compound Fracture and I was prepared for the [insert spiderman-pointing meme] at autism traits and the gut wrenching, painfully relatable depictions of transness and being raised/perceived as a woman
But I was NOT prepared to be smacked right in the face by that Autism Feeling around typical mundane adult responsibilities
#compound fracture#andrew joseph white#like I expected to be a mess feeling seen but that little passage about resumes and getting a job?? came out of nowhere and hit me so hard#because yeah it really is like that. I too shutdown or broke down crying at the thought of putting together a resume even when I'd done it#a few times#but holy shit I think this is the first time I've seen/heard someone put it out there like that#idk it was just a very. 'oh my god it's not just me you get it' moment
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im learning i have an intense fondness for historical gays. modern gays are good, but theres just Something about historical queers that hit my brain. bonus points if they're from the 17th-19th century.
#early 20th century hits hard too#maybe it has something to do with how little queer history we have easy access to from those time periods#bc yes we were there but it was criminalized and shamed to the point where not much remains for fear of being persecuted#maybe im getting too philisophical for my silly little queer tumblr post#anyways yes this was sparked bc of the new ofmd trailer#ofmd#blackbonnet#but also#les mis#enjoltaire#exr#lams#them too#dont look at me like that#canon era counts#shkutout to binch-i-might-be for their thin ice verse and all the other historical lams shit theyve got#S tier fics#historical fiction#queer history#thats my silly little tumblr post for the day
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Day ninety-five | id in alt
Long time no Nanami💥
#dailykugisaki#jjk#kugisaki nobara#nanami kento#i hate his fuckass tie but like anything for the cool man who cares bad#she likes the fit nanami has but she glares at the tie he has sometimes but it eventually grows onto her like a fucking parasite#also idk how yall sukuna likers do it idk how yall like this man because its so hard for me not to roll my eyes at anything he does#trust me im not biased i roll my eyes at Gojo and co too#i just idk. i feel like ive gone through somebody with a personality like sukunas before and i just want to push him into a black hole#buckets aggression is showing#anyway back to Kugisaki!#she exaggerates the image of nanami a lot but i feel like she'd respect the guy y'know#thats a whole apt teacher dawg#also Nobaras drink...she does like popular shit but i feel like her actual tastes lay with more like refreshing stuff if that makes sense#maybe it could be a little sour#idk she doesn't seem like the weirdo that drinks horrible sweet shit but she would put like an energy drink in that shit#she woll die before she's dehydrated and from experience#sweets dehydrate a bitch#hitting nanami with the melanin beam#i fucking giggled while writing the image description im fucking done for‼️#Kugisaki would fucking preen at praise from nanami because in her head nanami is probably a massive hardass#yes i like drawing hands
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slight hsr spoilers but—
they might as well have just impaled me on a stake
#honkai star rail#honkai star rail spoilers#hsr#hsr spoilers#hsr 2.2#hsr 2.2 spoilers#penacony spoilers#hsr aventurine#im going to CRY#AGAIN#STOPP#im going to eat a BRICK#tfw one throw away message hits harder than the entire last part of the trailblazer mission combined💀💀#i was going to complain that i was sad he was mostly absent for this part#but uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#this message thread???? hello???#im going to throw up#i love him sm its not even funny#going to be replaying this dumb short little message thread in my head all day smh#can’t believe i get to say im playing hsr for more than just the astral express fam now#im there for the astral express fam and him apparently#sorry you can’t give him a backstory like that#and then make him send us shit like THIS#and just expect me to be normal about it#also i do NOT want to talk about the ‘there aren’t many friends’ line#i’ll die if i think too hard about it#top ten hsr threads that emotionally RUIN me#his other thread is in the top ten too i hate this man (said while loving him dearly)#they really did not have to go that hard with his story and personality and play style and design and—
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after so many failed expeditions in hard route (bad luck, stupid decisions, and why the hell is the final boss so tanky there) and 1 finished one in normal, I finally grinded enough points for the card.
hell yeah :D
#reverse 1999#playing rev 1999#hit me up with a friend request i guess?#does anyone have tips on how to defeat the final boss on hard route because my damage there is utterly dogshit#i think its the enemy buffs that make my damage shit. and i dont think that buff is dispellable too#is there any strat to there or do i have to simply ‘git gud’ as rhe children say#with how many battle-centered events are around ngl im getting a little burnt out with fighting#which is odd because battle is one of my favorite things about this game
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ca n we all agree that human bonnie would not be a baker btw
#idc what gary does he's boring either way#but pb pbubs peebles is a scientisttttt she does scieeencceeeee#i mean baking is a science in a way but she'd be doing like... biology and chemistry n shit#a bit of physics#i mean sure baking as a hobby. but it would noootttt be her main thing#this isn't f&c hate bc as previously mentioned gary can do whatever the fuck he wants as long as he does it with minimal screentime#well maybe i am hating a little bit#i dont think i hate gary thaaat much actually its just that pb is so much better in every conceivable way and it makes gary so so#hard to care about in comparison#and he does not really read as a pb variant at all tbh... completely different personality. which is fine i guess#maybe they did that on purpose bc tbh pb's personality and everything would not work if she was anybody other than princess bubblegum#ykwim?#just wouldn't hit the same#wait moment of realization. i think i just like every other adventure time character too much & i need a punching bag
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lil hiatus away
#trump winning hit hard#harder than I thought because I didn’t think he’d win#we all met up the next day and had depression strolls#lots of vents and talks and anger#window shopped and actually shopped#looked at expensive guitars and little hamsters find fun in every place we go#we all made food with/for my niece and talked at my table for hours#played among us like old times till 1 am#got emotionally rejuvenated by the ocean#had plans with a friend that fell through so another time maybe or not idc anymore hahah she’s persistent though#I’m kinda over everything!#this 4:30 sunset always gets me bad for a while#on top of heavy world changes too like do that shit in summer#my dads friend Chris is visiting and that always makes me happy#I heard them cracking up watching South Park in his room last night was the cutest shit#reminded me of old times I miss living in Boston that whole era#wish we could have a redo#or even when he lived here with us after#maybe he'll move back this way someday#or go up that way since won’t ever be able to afford a house where I wanna live#or get out of the country all together#hiatus away was nice especially from Instagram and fb they're horrible places right now#unfollowing and unfriending everyone rn idc who u are#and honestly idky I still even have tumblr now I ask myself that a lot#more and more lately#have a good day#and take care of yourselves
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Okay okay look they give me brainrot but:
Sapnap noms Karl and Q as like his way of flirting (classic line of 'your just so cute I couldn't help but eat you up' or whatever-)
YES YES YES YES ABSOLUTELY
ignore the fact that I only drew Karl, i didn’t wanna draw two people and Q and Sap already have their own nom story and ignore that I can’t write flirty dialogue so i did icons instead
but YES SAPNAP DOES THIS. at first it’s kind of a joke cause they all know that Sapnap could just ask like a normal person but no, he has pickup lines now. Q and Karl think it’s funny at first cause the pickup lines also started as a joke, but then Sapnap got more serious and flirty and both of them kind of had a “shit this is hotter than it should be” moment.
Karl especially is a lot more receptive to it than he first thought he’d be
#fuck hands fuck hands i hate hands so much#i spend 25 minutes picking the pose for the first angle cause of the hands#anyway#i love drawing wholesome fiancés shit so much hsksksjsk#especially noms#also the reason Sapnap’s wearing a hat is cause he’s at work#that’s his disguise to hide his pointy ears and he’s going to immediately go back to work and Karl is gonna sit there flustered#ALSO the dark mark around his eyes is the bruise I was talking about#he hit his face really hard when he was a kid and it left that dark mark on him so Q and Karl nicknames him ‘pandas’#that led to the rest of them having animals nicknames too btw#Q is obviously duckling and Karl is bunny#these tags have gotten very off topic#anyway send in any other ideas if you have them i love my shifter boy and his little fiancés <3#cyncerity#mcyt g/t#mcyt gt#store shifter au#cyn art#tw vore#g/t vore#soft vore#safe vore#extreme cuddling#mcyt g/t vore
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oh no it's theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
unexpected urge to cry!
#im fine im just uhhh processing shit#listened to rothko by dessa one too many times and an emotion slipped out!!!#(im good tho i made the right choice in leaving the house today i feel so much better in so many ways)#(but oh boy grief just hits you whenever it wants to huh!)#well i think maybe the sad is a good thing. cause i was kinda numb for a while#and now im experiencing like the full range of human emotions and it's catching me off guard#and well it's hard but id rather occasionally break down crying in my beautiful little bedroom that i love so much#than ever go back to how i was living before#i didnt even realize how bad it was at the time. like i thought i was doing fine. ha#doth oversharing hour
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mkay i wrote two more good chunks (bringing us up to exactly 4k fucking words...........) of byan's bio but i'm just starting to touch on the actual lowest, darkest point of their life and it's not really helping the already shit place i'm in mentally, so. think i'm done for the night lmao
#sometimes writing byan's darker moments is kinda cathartic in a way#but uh. definitely gotta be in the write headspace for it and hoo boy am i ever not tonight#the 'nothing matters' and 'no one cares' of it all hit a little too close to home tonight#and considering the next big event is uh. mm. an Attempt. if you get me. i'm gonna just. yeah. save that for another day.#gonna practice some gentle self care for the rest of the night i think. be happy that i did some writing#even if it wasn't as much as i wanted#sorry for all the ooc lately yall... shit's just fucked and i don't wanna disappear off the face of the earth just bc#writing's a little hard again ajkhjfds#ouggghhhh i wish my mental health wasn't so fucking up and down#i wish i could expend a little more energy for a day or two without it ruining me for the rest of the week#i wish. that simple things were easy to deal with.#and i wish that every little noise that i don't make myself wasn't so jarring.#idk. i need to stop typing lmao. love y'all ♡#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ooc ⋮ don't @ me.#suicidal ideation cw#just to like. be safe. idk. i feel weird not tagging this sort of shit.
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I fucking HATE how the fandom treats m.ine. it's so bad 😭
#ash rambles 💚#so many shitty takes... too much time on twitter ruins a man#i hear one more person call him a crazy obsessive yandere and i think I'm actually gonna lose it#he's either portrayed like that or as one half of a ship#his actual character is lost on so many people because oOoOOoOOooOoO mInE wAs GaY#i dont doubt that he likes men. it's just that I've seen so many people be weird about it-#also. it's not fucking sexy to wanna kill your partner. a bullet between the eyes isn't an act of love.#I saw a tweet today about how m.ine actually wanted to kill k.iryu because he thought d.aigo liked k.iryu romantically#and m.ine only wants d.aigo to himself. and THAT'S why m.ine wanted to kill k.iryu.#let that sink in. 😐.#i hate how the fandom treats him SO MUCH#i will sit in my corner here. and i will kiss m#m.ine. and we will kiss a lot. and things are good. we are happy. we are far away from all of that.#I'm not saying every fan of his is horrible. I've seen a lot of great stuff and content! but holy shit I've seen some horrible stuff too#and it's hard to not feel like I'm doing something wrong by shipping with him. by loving a guy who the world has always hated.#and ofc I'm not! but still! even whenever i rb content of him here I'm always so afraid ajdhajsj#like ah yes this is the day i finally get cancelled on tumblr dot com for (checks notes) ... shipping with y.oshitaka m.ine??#I'm honestly afraid to take him up to being an official f/o ajdhajsb i think he'll stay in crush jail a little while longer..#i hate how the fandom perceives him so much!!!!!!! i also just hate the y.akuza fandom in general lmao#i do also like k.iryu so.. I've seen shit 😐#I'll delete this later but oh boy i am in a mood#and i know this isnt the first time I've blogged about this#and for that i do apologize. but i really do love this guy and despite wanting to look for content of him i always end up finding the most#infuriating shit!#i know he's done fucked up things. he's not a great guy. but! our relationship is built on mutual trust and i will NEVER write any of that#creepy obsessive shit that the stupid fandom always portrays him as doing! he's not going to kill someone for getting too close to me-#I'm just... upset- get behind me honey! I'll shield you!#and by kissing him I'm not brushing over any of the shit he does in the game. yes he beheaded that guy. yeah he slapped that orphan.#but i adore him and omg i hit tag limit... oopsie daisy lol sorry guys 😭 I'm really sorry for always talking abt this#you were beautiful 💸
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WHAT 💥 DO 💥 YOU 💥 DO 💥 WITH 💥 A 💥 LOVING 💥 FEELING 💥 IF 💥 THAT 💥 LOVING💥 FEELING 💥 MAKES 💥 YOU 💥 ALL 💥 ALONE💥💥💥💥‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️
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my inability to play mobile games nowadays is also a source of suffering as a person who loves rhythm games. i miss her (SIF1).....
#but 1) she is shut down <3 and 2) even if she was still up i probably would barely play because the game was getting.... messy#i loved the old UI but they kept like. adding shit. too many little red exclamation marks#but it was one of the comfiest feeling rhythm game mechanics i ever played#i need to find a rhythm game that really feels good is my problem. high key i actually do not like most of the project diva style gameplay#TOO MANY button inputs that are hard to read im too learning disabled for that#i did love project mirai tho. and i liked project diva X because the progression was less skill focused and more perseverance#i really dont like post ps4 pd i do NOT like those multi button inputs where you have to do like#r1 + square + circle + whatever and it like changes every time. girl i cant READ#i much prefer rhythm games where the inputs are simple and dont require as much thinking or reading#and its more focused on just how good can u hit those simple inputs#i really loved beat saber when i played it at a vr arcade once. but i do not have the space or money for vr rn LOL#i also have really enjoyed taiko. someday i'd like to try a peripheral. one time i played it on the dk bongo gamecube controller#to see what it felt like. it felt bad <3 but it was fun <3 <3 <3 <3#osu i havent really liked. although i do enjoy elite beat agents and oeundan. i think its the physically small screen of the ds#sometimes its fun to boot up melodys escape or audiosurf too. but id really like to try other games#when i did play mobage i was partial to stuff like sb69's three track system and llsif's 9 spot system#but i didnt like the way deemo felt.... the size of the visual hit boxes were TOO SMALL it always felt weird#flick notes sucked whenever i played a mobage tho. i have SWEATY FINGERS dont to this me#swipe notes are fine its just flick. also i dont like how hard they are to read similar to a lot of console games <3
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man i hope i get to feel creative joy again. im so demotivated in general
#like i drew some shit posts but i didn't finish them. i haven't finished anything in a while#i felt some passing joy when drawing but it went off so quickly#reflecting now i think this dejected overall mood is what made me think layton was both a tragedy and a joy#because i want him to be a joy. he is. but my mood made me fixate on the tragedy of his backstory#and what is more!!!#i have been watching a little spider make a spiderweb for a while now#and i felt jealous yknow#like look at her. she's going up and down up and down#doing her thing. working hard on her project and that's beautiful like. nature is happening#and yet i don't have the drive to draw nor write. this spider is my current only source of fascination#man im oversharing on main maaaannnn#cmon say something funny. uuuuhhhhhh bazinga#it's not so bad i know it's just low energy but it's hitting me tonight. this too shall pass#anyway layton is a joy. his past is a tragedy. spiders are scary sometimes but they're cool sometimes too#and one day ill draw again and ill go beast mode on the canvas and i will spill the blood of my enemies#and ill be proud of myself. but right now everything feels wrong so. not tonight#i have this habit of making the tags absolute nightmares while the post is like. tiny. like a spider!!!#thematic cohesion!!!!!!!!!!!
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