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#this is how humans are supposed to walk
eddis-not-eeddis · 11 months
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There is some small part of me that cannot be satisfied unless I am allowed to lean rather heavily on someone else's arm.
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duckysprouts · 1 year
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i picked up stardew valley again and was not planning to rizz alex but this boy is like a pack of airplane peanuts and i cannot resist even tho i know he’s not good for me
anyway here’s my new farmer. his name is rune, he hates all cats except for his cat, and it turns out mining all day rlly builds up muscle
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saltwatersweets · 7 months
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i like to imagine that sometime in between ep7 and ep8, charlie takes vaggie to cannibal town to help train some of the residents who will fight in the upcoming extermination, and while visiting vaggie sees the kid she spared and maybe gets to have a proper conversation with him and/or his family
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#i know that vaggie probably looks rather different than she did three+ years ago when she fell#but i definitely feel as though if you were a sinner who was about to be brutally stabbed by an angel#and then she Didnt Stab You#i think you’d be able to recognize her even if you’re fairly young#(also i know some people think that all the cannibals are hellborn but i believe that some are sinners and some are hellborn)#(this child being hellborn would make no sense because that means vaggie was kicked out for sparing a hellborn child)#(aka doing what she is legally supposed to do)#(so being a cannibal will probably get you into hell regardless of age)#also i really like the idea of vaggie and charlie getting to see the good that came out of her actions#assuming lute and adam didnt just go immediately kill the child she spared (it can be applied the extermination ended almost immediately#after vaggie fell given that you can see charlie walking around looking for injured sinners just a few minutes later so hopefully the#child survived)#then i like to believe the child ran home and got to tell the people who care for him that story#and maybe someone will even thank vaggie for her mercy#in a very strange way givennthat they are cannibals and all#think of a cat who kills mice and gives them to you. that’s probably how cannibals show love except with human limbs#anyways i want to write a one shot about this tbh#my post#hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel vaggie#hazbin vaggie#hazbin hotel cannibal town#cannibalism#should probably tag that just in case lmfao#does this cannibal child have a name#im calling him#spared cannibal child#very very original and thoughtful name i know i know#hazbin hotel charlie#charlie morningstar
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a-s-levynn · 8 months
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So i had a dream last night which wasn't a nightmare and i even remember most of it! which is super exciting. I barely ever remember dreams that are just simply that so this is a fairly rare occasion for me.
It was weird tho
But it was.. i don't even know what it was so let me ramble about it in the tags a bit
#there was this bioluminescent and also biotoxic creature in a city at night#it was bipedal sort of humanoid shaped but with definitive deep sea features#it had that transparent skin and flesh and body with bioluminescing highlights#which i have no idea how it worked because the entire dream took place in a city enviroment on very much dry land but it's a dream innit#the face was definitely not human more a jumble of fishy features#it was gorgeous btw in a humanoid monster sort of fascinating way#it had this weird feel to it that it's something very old that should not be here now.. some sort of reminiscence of a bygone era#i might try to draw it but i don't know how successful i'd be to be honest#anyway so i was part of a group (don't know what kind exactly) and i never seen any of them i just knew they existed#and there was this innate knowledge that the creature was kind of hunting or more like luring us but we also were hunting it#i don't know if it did something to us before or we just had this unexplainable pull towards it but we definitely were fixated on it#and it was supposed to be a big threat even just by existing and walking around but also would have been bad if it was dead#but i don't know why was it so bad because the “toxicity” of the creature wasn't lethal it just made you stuck in a blissful delirious stat#just by being too close to it and which in most cases would fade when it moved away so the other alternative felt way worse#cuz if it would die something else would have gotten loose which would have been worse than the delirium#it was some sort of unstoppable deadly madness i think.. at least that was what i felt the dream eluded to#and i think we wanted to neutralize it somehow but we had no idea how to avoid disaster that surely would come if it dies#but it would have also revitalize nature on a basically divine scale by giving it's body back to it so there was this dilemma the whole tim#but none of us would have any answers so we just followed this inner draw regardless of the uncertainty#and the entire dream was basically us lureing the creature somewhere but simultaniously it was somehow luring us in as wel#to the same spot#it was a vast moonlit fieald outside of city bounds surrounded with tall dark trees and the sky was littered with stars#and a sharp cliff to one side#so we arrived there and we were standing on opposite sides and look towards each other#but looking into the creatures eyes literally woke me up#there was a noise it made and i know i understood it as words inside the dream but i can't remember what it was after waking just the noise#and that was it#it wasn't long i think tho it felt that way
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bunnihearted · 25 days
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꒰୨୧꒱
#the thing is that even if i always long for a relastionship...#i've never even been in one and idk how they work & im so scared of many things#i have sm troubles and issues with touch. i've gotten to a place where i cant even stand my own sisters or mom bumping into me#and outside i cant stand when someone accidentally walks into me or touching someone's legs on the bus#i hate it. it's not only feeling uncomfortable i feel distressed and scared and sick#smth that seems very normal in like all couples is that youre 'allowed' to touch eo all thge time whenever#that scares me a lot. like touch is so scary for me. and when youre in a relationship theres just this silent agreement that you can touch#eo all the time and thats like... how it's supposed to be.... ://#thats so scary to me. that theres this expectation and demand that if im someones gf they should be allowed to touch me whnever#and like i've never been in love and been in a relationship and been touched by that person so idk#maybe it wouldnt be an issue. but just thinking that.. i dont belong completely to myself and therefore give up#the right to not be touched if and when i feel distressed or uneasy is too scary for me#maybe i could learn to feel safe with them and want their touch but rn it scares me skskks#what if they kiss me when im feeling extremely sex reoulsed and wanna kill myself bc of my inner agony#and they get hurt when i try to pull away?#bc regardless of what ppl say... it is a truth that in a relationship youre exoected to want physical touch at all times#and it is seen as an insult to your partner if there are other forces within u (like trauma etc) that makes u sometimes uncomfortable w it#but yeah idk... the problem is that... in humanity and society#consent is one of the least important and prioritized things. as a humanbeing living u will have your consent disregarded countless times#and for me personally consent is one of the most important things. & thats one of the reasons why its so hard for me to live in this society#like yes i do want to have a partner and touch and be touched#but what if we're in the store and im feeling particularly bad that day and feel like#i need to turn myself inside out and peel my skin off and feel anxious and scared#and they just casually grab my ass?? then i will go home and kill myself :) or have a breakdown in the store lol#i dont want to go thru this but i also dont wanna put someone else thru it#and like it would be different if they asked first if i was ok being touched and i said yes#and if i said no theyd respect me and not get hurt#but like be for real.... almost nobody does that. and almost everyone thinks thats lame#in most relationships nobody asks eo. youre expected to just always be ok with it. if u want to be asked youre silly and demanding#nobody asks their partner abt that. that just dont happen lmao. so idk. :((( i wish i was normal
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Hiii!!
Can I request another part for the human Thena/eternal Gil Au but this time Thena sees Gil’s in action? You described his powers briefly yet so beautifully in the last part!
Thank you so much and please keep going I love to read your work!
The walk was quiet.
They had gathered at Sersi's flat to discuss what would have to happen from this point forward. Sersi and Gil - the Eternals - had whispered between themselves in the kitchen. Occasionally, they would glance out at their humans--herself and Mister Whitman.
Dane was still there, talking with Sersi. He lived close, and would also return when the rest of their plan was in motion. For now, all they could do was wait for the rest of the Eternals to arrive, and aside from one, that would take very real time to make happen.
Apparently, the only one who could fly was Ikaris.
Thena looked beside her. Gil had insisted that if she wasn't going to stay safely inside at Sersi's for an indeterminate amount of time, then he had to walk her home personally. And probably escort her back, now that she thought of it.
Gil's hand was warm around hers.
The first time he'd held her hand was after he had helped her out of a taxi she had taken to get to their second dinner date after work. In all her eagerness not to be late she had opted not to walk instead of just letting Gil know she would have to be ten minutes late at most. Because those ten minutes had seemed irrevocably important, at the time.
He had stood outside the restaurant, waiting for her like a gentleman. He paid her fare before she could protest and by the time she had the door open he was grasping her hand and helping her out. She had worn somewhat less comfortable shoes to work to have ones for their date. Gil had kissed her hand and complimented her.
He'd held her hand the rest of the way to their table, too. They talked all through dinner, then through the multiple desserts Gil had ordered so as to try as many as possible. They talked through coffee and then it eventually became clear that the restaurant was attempting to close, and they were the last patrons taking up their space. He'd held her hand when they walked home, too.
Gil felt her staring at him and turned his head. "You okay?"
It was a loaded question. She had survived her first real Deviant attack. It was possibly the first of many, if she intended on sticking around. Even if she didn't, that thing had known her name. It was doubtful she could be rid of the experience even if she did decide to abandon ship and try to forget she ever knew Gilgamesh.
And how could she do that? It would be simply impossible for her to forget the whirlwind love she had met not even a few months ago.
"Thena?"
She managed a smile for him, although it didn't seem to comfort him any. It was an unconvincing as she thought it was. She gave his hand a squeeze though, "I should be asking you that."
He scoffed, waving his other hand in front of him dismissively. "We've been fighting these things for ages."
She looked towards the river on the other side of the street. She might never look at it the same way again, she realised. "Not that one, though."
She heard Gil sigh through his nose before looking at him again. "No, I guess not."
Thena slowed their pace until they were stopped. It was late enough, plus all the chaos downtown left them the street to themselves. She faced Gil head on, taking both his hands in hers. "I realise you can't get nearly as hurt as I can. But I don't think anyone would be unaffected by facing a monster like that."
Gil's face turned somber. Melancholy didn't suit his cheerful features, but he stroked her hand with his thumb again. "I really am sorry, Thena."
"It's not your fault."
"But-" he argued and nearly tripped over his words to do so. "That-that...thing!--it knew you because of me. If I had known-"
"Gil-"
"I never would have let it live." His tone grew dark, and she really believed the anger behind it. She hadn't seen him mad much either, but his words were fierce as he grasped her hands. "I would have hunted it down and made sure it was dead."
"Gil," she attempted to soothe him. The concern was for her, but all she could think was that it didn't suit him to seem so unhappy. She liked seeing him smile and hearing him laugh more. She raised her hand to his cheek, "you may not get that luxury, you realise."
He put his hand over hers, turning his head so he could kiss her palm. "I've got nothing but time, Thena."
Her stomach twisted as the massive - truly infinite - gap between them was brought to the forefront of her mind again. It felt almost trivial; she had no business fretting over the status of her relationship while that beast still walked the earth. But she leaned closer. "Well, I don't."
Gil looked startled by what she said, but he leaned down to accept her kiss. She had seen his strength earlier tonight, but he was so incredibly gentle with her.
She tilted her head at him, his fingertips in her hair from holding her cheeks. "I want more time with you, Gil. So, we'll figure out a way to make that happen."
His eyes flickered for a moment, and she could almost swear she could see those little glowing specs of gold within his eyes. He leaned in and kissed her again. "I want eternity with you, Thena."
It was the most romantic thing anyone had ever said to her, and on probably the worst night of her life, too. But she grasped the edges of his brown leather jacket as they parted. If golden energy lived in his eyes then surely a painfully obvious love lived in hers. "Gil-"
"Thena!"
Gil pulled her behind him instantly. The spray from the river didn't quite reach them, but that thing landed heavily. Gil raised his fist. That funny compression of air happened, her ears felt the change and a sound like the air caving in on itself fell over them.
Gil didn't wait for that creature to come over to them. He didn't leave it room to escape, either. He held the vines emerging from its neck and landed his hit. It was like canon fire--if not by sound, then by impact.
Thena looked away, wind rushing purely from the force being exerted and traded through kinetic energy. Those gold flecks that looked like sparks floated by her again. She forced herself to look as Gil landed another two hits. "Gil!"
"You're not getting away this time!" he roared at his enemy, holding it with one hand. He didn't need both to do the damage he could. Sometimes his fist would raise and hold for just a second before coming down again, heavier than before.
Thena watched, seeing lines of gold tracing through the air as Gil moved. It was like a constellation moving, it was mesmerising, in a terrifying way. His fist would fly, sometimes double and triple layered with that energy. Then it would come down and that vacuum of sound would pop again.
The creature wrestled itself free from him, holding its disgusting claw hand over its own injuries.
Gil held his ground, not pursuing too far away from her but not retreating either. "I see what you are."
"Ay...jack...A-Jax...Ajak..." it was haunting to hear the thing speak. It sounded out words like it was learning them in real time. The maw of teeth it had shuffled around as it adapted to speech instead of primitive growls. "Ajak...pow...er...Ajak's...power!"
"Move!"
Gil could move quickly if he propelled himself with his own powers. He destroyed the cobblestones under his feet again as he launched himself at her. He scooped her up, narrowly avoiding the thing launching itself at them.
Thena shuddered, although it was Gil's body that made impact with the side of the building. She heard a crack, and she hoped it was the concrete and plaster instead of anything in Gil's body.
Gil held up his arm, keeping the thing at bay like a dog that was latching onto his forearm. He held it out as far as he could, but the thing's teeth were right there, its breath rustling her hair while she was tucked between Gil's defending arm and the safety of burying herself in his chest.
There wasn't much that he could do in this position. He was doing his best to protect her, but he couldn't make any advancement either.
Thena forced herself to look. That nightmare was right there, gnashing its teeth around the illusion of Gil's arm. His powers were absorbing the blow, but she had to wonder if there was a limit to his stamina.
"Thena?" Gil blinked as her hands moved.
She didn't know what she was doing. Maybe she was just making things harder for him. But she pushed Gil's arm with everything she had in her. Gil was the strong one, but maybe even he could use what little support her human arms could offer.
It was fascinating. It really felt like Gil's arm, but she could see the outline of his powers layered around him. It was humbling to witness something so powerful - so ageless - so close.
Gil wrapped his other arm around her waist. He leaned his shoulders forward and dug his feet in. "Hold onto me, sweetheart."
She squeezed her eyes shut as Gil spun them all. He had the strength, and it didn't take much to build momentum. They all moved as one, and on the second turn he threw the thing away.
Its massive, wiry body demolished the car it hit, sounding the alarm.
"Shit," he cursed, although his hold on her remained. "Are you okay?"
She nodded, although already upstairs lights in flats were being turned on. People would be out here and on their phones any second. "Gil, we should go."
"But that thing is-"
"You can kill it later," she hissed at him, already trying to usher him away from the street and down a darker alley. "You'll get another chance. But not if people see you and plaster your face everywhere!"
"I'm not letting that thing live," he growled through his teeth. But ultimately, he let her lead him away and into the shadows. "I can't let it find you again."
"Gil-"
Maybe all Eternals' powers had a sound to them. A high pitched rumbling sounded as a beam of light fired directly into the thing. Whichever Eternal that was, they certainly had no problems being found out by the modern age.
"Gil," Thena attempted to urge him away again, tugging at his jacket. But she also looked as the laser cut straight through the thing's neck. She moved closer to Gil as a figure floated down directly in view of their alley. It turned towards them.
"I'm surprised Gil," the man chuckled, "thought that thing would be easy pickin's for you."
"I was distracted," Gil scowled in his direction, keeping his hold on her all the while. "What are you doing here?"
"I came to help."
"I doubt that."
Thena looked between the two of them. She could only guess, but by context clues alone, she already knew the man was an Eternal, could fly, had laser eyes like some sort of comic book hero, and the accent was more anecdotal than anything. But still, she felt reasonably confident when she asked, "Ikaris?"
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emiken-070907 · 1 year
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Silver being over hundreds of years old is canon now, so please consider: this dude still hasn't finished high school like the fuck you tell people?? hell naw they ain't gonna believe you honk chuu mimimimi for that long bitch
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july-19th-club · 11 months
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the major appeal of the Corn Maze is tapping into the human experience of Being Surrounded By Maize During Harvest . i love you corn and i love walking in circles under an autumn sun while you rustle gently and smell exactly as you always have for the past many hundreds of years at this same time in this same spot. effervescent
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seveneyesoup · 2 years
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new who has emphasized the cybermen as a loss of personhood but they really really have not leaned into the horror of it like they could. there have even been stories of maintaining ones personhood through the conversion but what about the opposite? what about a generation of cybermen that do not hide what they used to be, whose faces are still visible, reflecting an individuality they no longer possess, but that is meaningful to the people they used to belong to? the “ghosts” of doomsday were imagined to be dead loved ones, but what if you saw their face? what if your grandfather was looking you in the face but did not recognize you. what if he offered a way to take away the pain of loss. what if the ordeal was over and the danger was done and the thing piloting his body survived it intact. what if he was right there but you could never, ever have him back. what then
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nexus-nebulae · 3 months
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thinking about when i had such intense phantom limbs as a kid i told my math teacher about it
#like. I've had phantom wings since i was a CHILD and I'm not even kidding#i remember specifically saying 'i pretend to have wings so much that i can just Feel them there all the time now'#and he reacted in a way where he didn't want to tell me that's weird bc i was a Kid but also he totally thought it was really weird#which. was a reaction i knew very well at the time. that kind of quiet 'i dont know how to react to that but ok'#the trying not to make a weird face about it#so i shut up about it ever since! and then when i was 20 i found out what otherkin was#i remember them specifically being pegasus wings too we've always loved pegasi it was entirely bc of the barbie movie#i can't remember what the term is. for when you're A Fucking Lot of things all at once? poly something?#but we've always been like that#our first OC was plural coded and otherkin coded to the absolute max it was insane#and she was fully and entirely a self insert (at the time. nowadays she's her own guy)#but like. she could absorb souls on the brink of death and communicate with them inside her head#and she could shapeshift into any of those souls' forms at will#and she was supposed to be some kind of chimera#her 'true form' that i made of her was just all of her different forms crammed into one body#like. one owl wing one dragon wing. a dolphin tail. a fox paw and a pegasus hoof. scales mixed with fur. human shaped body. horns#if we weren't a system at the time then we were at least REALLY REALLY susceptible to becoming one we've always been Like This#and I'm willing to say i was an otherkin kid in the same way i say i was trans before i knew what that was#i didn't say I Am A Boy i just said I'm the closest a girl can get to being a boy (a tomboy)#i always leaned towards boys interests and boyish things. in the same way i taught myself to walk like a cat and meow convincingly#(to a point where i meowed once and my sister yelled at me to put the cat down if she's meowing. i was not holding a cat)#i didn't know what being otherkin was but i spent about as much time as possible being as animal as i could get#and i got offended when my friends didn't want to be animals with me. i had a lot of Horse Girl friends as a result#(hard to avoid horse girls in the middle of rural ohio tbh)
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eggmeralda · 5 months
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just woke up from the best film I've ever watched in my life only to realise it was a dream
#IT DOESN'T EXIST. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FUNCTION#is there an animated film about like these 6 rats or something escaping from this guy but there's all these themes that they go through#and the final theme is death bc one of them gets impaled by a rose thorn and it's like FUCK bc they were almost gonna get away#so there's this old guy who's a bit of a prick but he becomes nicer at the end but he's the one that dies#and these two girls one of them is like idk she's good at a lot of things and the other one is kind of a pushover#then three guys one of them is really pathetic one is kind of silly and one of them i guess is the Normal Main Character type#also there's humans going about their lives in the present but for some reason the rats' lives are set in like? early 20th century italy#and there's all these shots of like the italian scenery for some reason. idk why it's set there but it's a vibe#idk who the guy they're getting away from is or what he wanted with them but yeah#and bc they're rats or whatever type of rodent they were they would like hide in bushes and it would be really intense bc like#what if the guy can see them#and basically not to give any spoilers but then the old guy died and they wrote some quote on a bit of paper and drew a pic of him and stuc#it on the wall as tribute. and idk who's gonna see it bc I think they were amongst some plants at the bottom of like#one of those bench booths you get in restaurants or cafes. I have no idea#but then it ended with them walking up this hill into the sunset or something idek#with this like late 60s/early 70s big produced sweeping strings tambourines etc. banger playing over the credits#also my car was in it occasionally. and this guy I went to college with and never spoke to#and my best friend briefly#and earlier on I had another dream but idk if it was connected. but it was stan kyle kenny and cartman#but they got a job where my dad works in this park as like. toilet assistants. as in when someone went#to the toilet they'd open the door. that was the whole job#but one of the job requirements was they had to be beatles coded apparently#like that's what it said on the application. so they basically just reenacted the history of the beatles#while opening toilet doors#it was like 4 dreams in one but they were all somewhat connected. also the lining in my coat was so reflective it made a sound#and I was telling someone about my favourite chord progression idk what relevance that had but standard dream i guess#anyway. rodent storyline was going on as it did but at the end it became a film and suddenly I was there. watching it with my friend#and i was like ''god originally I would've given this a 4 maybe 3.5 on letterboxd but now it's getting a 5 + a ❤''#ramble#oneiro
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etchedstars · 10 months
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hi i just wanted to drop a ss of the comments i wrote on my notion page for captured ghosts because im about to reread and i think this fic deserves all the recognition in the world it slays so hard and you should know the absolute anxiety and simultaneous joy you caused me!!!
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HI OH MY GOD ?!?!??!?!? thank you asufaudsf this is so so nice the joy THIS brought me?????????? immeasurable ty <3333
(ps theres a lot of thoughts in the tags w captured ghosts spoilers for those who may or may have not read my will byers gets haunted multichaptered fic!!)
#if youre thinking hmm i should read captured ghosts!! dont take it from me take it from tumblr user romainlettusdinnerparty :)#okokok so !!! authors thoughts#one of the biggest problems i have with media and especially in fics is when characters just have. the worlds most perfect inner dialogue#which clearly. bc they are fifteen years old. they will not be perfect they wont think coherent thoughts#human emotions are messy and indecipherable and ESP w the st characters someone who has gone thru as much as will has. hes gonna be angry !#i do my best to walk the line between good writing and realistic writing LMAO so im glad that came across :)))#ok abt joyce. this was less of a 'i think this is how joyce would be' and rlly just me being annoyed w my own mother tbh#i also wasnt a huge fan of her when i first wrote cg bc i thought she was way too paranoid over will and not caring much abt jonathan#so that is why shes Like that. im gonna be real i dont think id change it if i rewrote but i also dont think i wrote her fairly#and finally !!! im very sorry i lied about the rewrite. its not gonna happen bc i am so so swamped and i have nothing and i wrote it last y#but for the record will was supposed to be in the same sort of coma max was in and they were supposed to find each other and will#was going to promise max hed find her way out and then boom he was going to wake up there was going to be some jealousy w lucas and mike an#he makes it out alive max makes it out alive vecna doesnt fully leave etc etc. the end#anyways if youve read this far thank u and thank you for leaving this ask and this comment :))))) i havent gotten anything abt my fics in a#while tbh so knowing that like . They Still Exist and people still like them means so so much to me :')))) ok bye this was super long#overdue gets some asks#captured ghosts#happy chemical
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pepprs · 2 years
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i wish i’d kept pushing the point (<- vagueposting). im so tired i’m hitting a wall. but why is the answer to feeling bottomlessly lonely just to love myself and be loved by myself? isn’t that only more loneliness?
#purrs#i know being by myself is not aloneness. but like seriously are you actually serious that there is no one coming to save me? that I have to#walk around with this giant gaping wound forever and no one will be able yo close it? i need total nurturance and comfort badly and to have#any less than total is.. well i don’t want to say it’s as bad as having none at all because obviously it’s not true. but it’s still bad. it#makes it harder to ask for more when you already have some and have reached the limit of what you can ask for. i just feel bottomlessly#lonely. i know things will get better. but what i really need is a long hug and a good cry in someone’s arms. not isolating myself in a#cabin for a week (though i know i desperately need that too). like we’re human beings and we can do that for each other so why don’t we? why#can’t we fix each other? why can’t we be nurturing like that and fill the voids for people who have them. and i know it’s rich coming from m#me bc iam skittish like a horse around emotions and also that it’s pitifully expected from me bc i am reading too much into normal experien#nces most people have. but how am i supposed to just accept that i didn’t get the love i needed (even if im romanticizing m*therlove lmao) a#and then move on as if that’s fine? how can i just snap my fingers and be an autonomous adult when ive spent years accruing psychological#damage with the most limited kind of cushioning? when every second brings with it a potential jab to my River of Pain nerve? idk.#i was deeply violently depressed abt this stuff earlier this week but tonight im just quietly sad. i want the stability and certainty of#(unconditional) love. i want my whole future safe and warm and now or at least the ability to trust it will exist which is also called hope.#i don’t want to be alone and wretched anymore.
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autisticlee · 1 year
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it always pisses me off when people start ghosting me and completely cut me off and think i'm annoying because I didn't ~get the hint~ all because they're too much of a coward to be straightforward and honest with me!!!!
i'll keep asking about a thing or when we are hanging out or try to converse with them, because their response is always excuses and not straight up "no" so how am I supposed to know?! either short responses of 1-5 words that I can't really respond to or things like "I'm busy this weekend/I'm too tired today/I forgot about it/we can try next time/I'll get back to you and le you know" are apparently all hints and lies to hide the truth. what they really mean when they tell me this is "no, stop asking. stop talking to me. I do not want to hang out with you or talk to you anymore"
why can't you just say that?! it will save you the annoyance of me asking you 20 times because i took your words at face value. your excuses sound temporary and you didn't get back to me so maybe you forgot. there are rare times people say these things and it's the truth or they really did forget!!!! when I say it, it's the truth. I also have a bad memory. you can't just suddenly ghost me for that! it's on you if you aren't being honest with me. it's up to you to be straightforward and tell the truth so you don't waste both our time. (what's worse is this is usually one of the first things I tell people when we meet. that I need then to be straightforward and honest. they promise they will but that's also a lie)
ghosting is so cruel (when the other person has no bad intentions/isnt causing harm). more cruel than telling me to my face you hate me and never want to speak again! i actually prefer that, so i at least know and can give up on your useless ass and stop wasting my time. don't give me false hope when i'm really excited to be friends and hang out, don't waste my time and energy and efforts, and don't lead me on with lies only to crush my entire soul when I find the truth much later. just say it and get it over with!!!! it's your fault if I annoy you by "not taking the hint" because there was no hint, lying isn't a hint. spill the truth and don't blame me for it!!!!!!
this is why i've given up with people and now only give attention to the ones who contact me first every time continuously, and I put little effort into anything anymore. I know that will end up making some people give up on me by thinking i dont care. but I'm tired of wasting my time and energy on the people who put no effort into me. you must prove yourself and keep doing it or I won't try at all. the people who ghost me and hurt me are to blame. yes, I live a very lonely existence with maybe one friend I talk to once every week or two for a total of 5 minutes at most. yes I wish I had more connections or closer ones. but i'm SO FUCKING TIRED. i'm tired of trying so much and so hard just for people to shit on my efforts and disrespect my needs and boundaries!!!!!!
why should I keep trying when it always ends bad and adds yet another layer to my trauma.
#it happens every time!!!!!!!! i dont havw the spoons amd energy to keep giving these people every piece of me. theres nothing left!!!!!#people always tell me keep trying dont give up dont cut yourself off from everyone etc#but everyone cuts ME off so wtf am i supposed to do????? keep wasting energy and brain power just to let them keep doing it?!#its like if you spend a year carefully crafting a custom blanket for someone. putting in all your love and time and energy. give it to them#AND THEY SER IT ON FIRE AND WALK AWAY. NOT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGING HOW HARD YOU WORKED OR ANYTHING#that's what its like every time i try with people. it's a waste and i never get anything good out of it 😭#so why would it be wrong to protect myself by taking the part of the cold and unresponsive one for once? act like them instead?#no try or give someone much attention until they do like i always did and put in a ton of effort and keep it going?#if someone tries as hard as i always did then they must be good and worthy of keeping around and putting some effort into myself right?#ugh idk. i hate all of this and humans arent good at being good friends and im tired of trying to be one too#perhaps me not trying will make people think i dont care about them so they give up still anyway. well oh well#that means they didnt try gard enough and would have given up anyway. if i dont get attached or care much first then it hurts less#i know everyone tries to make me feel better by saying stuff like the right ones exist and my people are out there or whatever#but i will not believe it until i see it. because it's possible that is not true. it's possible i'll never have real/close friends#what then????? what do i do about that?? people love telling me i'll find the right people but no one steps up to try being that one#this all sounds doom and gloom but I'm just venting. in reality i just give it 3 tries.#if a person makes excuses or doesnt respond or doesnt carry the conversation 3 times on a row i will give up and it's their move.#if they dont come forward at all then we are done and i will never reach out to or speak to them again. if they want me they can prove it#lee rambles#autistic#autism#actually autistic#autism things#autistic friendship#friendship problems#loneliness#communication#cptsd#rsd#the fun thing about the cptsd and rsd combo is when people do these things i get hit with a wave if every past experience and relive it 🙃
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sept doesnt have long left, it cant be that bad
Dude.
My grandfather died two weeks ago. I talked to him around once per week and I was excited beyond belief to have him here, and he fucking died before he could even move in.
His fucking ashes arrived in the mail today. One of the only physical things remaining of my grandfather.
It literally IS that bad.
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amerasdreams · 2 years
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the water was off all day today bc of the road construction on the intersection. It wasn't as bad as I thought. I couldn't take a shower but I hate showers anyway and I put in a side ponytail hybrid. And dad made sure to save water for other things. And yay I didn't have to make myself drink water (I usually make myself drink water like medicine bc its supposedly good for me) so today is a dehydrated day 💃
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