#the thing is that even if i always long for a relastionship...

[bunnihearted]

꒰୨୧꒱

[svt-hari]

Hey!! Will you ever do anything more indept of Hari & V? I just wanna know just a view things about them! Were they a good relationship before the popularity made them grow apart? Did any of the members know or care? Also how awkward are they seeing each other now 😂

I just wanted to know because they’re two pretty people and the vibes looked perfect for each other. I STAND WITH WOORI THOUGH! 💓

FREESIA SAYS...

hey nonnie! of COURSE! i've lowkey been waiting for an ask like this... lemme answer your questions and i can do a little breakdown like i did for woori that'll be under the cut!

were they a good relationship before the popularity made them grow apart? :: yes! they were in a good spot in their relationship but in reality, i think that bts' schedules were busier than hari/seventeen's. yes, their popularity did have a play in their relationship but it's all about the schedules! tae had started to spend less time with hari to the point where he would go no contact for a couple months which drained her a lot.

did any of the members know or care? :: all of the members knew! mingyu could not keep his mouth shut and he blatantly asked hari how things were with tae when no one else really knew that they were dating. they were surprised nonetheless because respectfully, tae can do better than hari and she even knows that herself! truly doesn't know how she bagged him to be honest. not everyone cared about their relationship because as long as she was happy, they were fine but they were concerned for her towards the end of their relationship when they would go no contact for a long time.

how awkward are they seeing each other now? :: not super awkward! now with seventeen's popularity skyrocketing, she doesn't see him that often. they'll pass each other in the halls of the hybe building but that's it! they'll send each other 'happy birthday' and 'happy holidays' messages but that'll be it! they only get updates about each other from mingyu/jungkook.

RELATIONSHIP BREAKDOWN! (i'm not doing the chart because i'm so lazy but if you want me to, i can!)

DATING PERIOD: june 2019 - november 2021

CRUSHING PERIOD: january 2019 - until they dated (hari) + january 2018 - until they dated (v)

WHO CONFESSED FIRST?: v — he casually asked her out on a date when he told her he was interested in her

WHO SAID "I LOVE YOU" FIRST?: v — hari took care of yeontan for a bit while v was gone abroad and was so grateful for her and it naturally came out of him

FIRST DATE?: eating ramen & chicken at han river — v stole his manager's car for the night and took them for a short drive and to eat

FIRST KISS?: after their 5th date — they pulled an all nighter at hybe stargazing and v kissed her first

WHEN DID THEY START LOSING FEELINGS FOR EACH OTHER?: beginning of 2021? — hari lost feelings first and v knew that since bts was getting popular, it would've been hard for the both of them to stay in the relastionship so he broke it off

TAEHYUNG's FAVORITE DATE: sleepovers at each other's place — yeontan was always included and spoiled

TAEHYUNG's FAVORITE THING ABOUT HARI: her caring personality — she always puts himself first over herself sometimes and it's endearing but he always reminds her to take care of herself too

TAEHYUNG's FAVORITE MEMORY OF HARI: being able to take care of yeontan last minute — he knows it's very burdensome when it's last minute but she always agrees without any hesitation

THINGS THAT REMIND TAEHYUNG OF HARI: baking, pilates, & mint choco

WHEN DID TAEHYUNG REALIZE HIS FEELINGS FOR HARI?: after their third date — he was weary at first since he was the one pursuing her but after seeing that she showed interest, he fell for her even more

HARI's FAVORITE DATE: stargazing at hybe's rooftop

HARI's FAVORITE THING ABOUT TAEHYUNG: his personality and love for talking — she could listen to him talk all day and she wouldn't get tired

HARI's FAVORITE MEMORY OF TAEHYUNG: he always came to seventeen's comeback stage performance to cheer her on and got her a bouquet of flowers every time

THINGS THAT REMIND HARI OF TAEHYUNG: ties, photography, & hot cocoa

WHEN DID HARI REALIZE HER FEELINGS FOR TAEHYUNG?: it was the last comeback before they officially got together — she was amazed at how much he prepared in order to visit her backstage and how well he interacted with the members

[tom--22--felton]

To anon about not sure about if they want to get married. I'm 32 and I have the same problem I have always been kind of short tempered and easily annoyed by the smallest things. I've ended friendships because they annoyed me too much. I used to think I wanted to get married but as I got older I figured out real quick it wasn't for me. Now this is sad but I did find someone who didn't get on my nerves all the time and was very happy. I still didn't want to get married but that also has to do with coming from growing up with divorced parents. I was completely fine with just being in a relastionship with him without the marriage thing. (Sad part: he is unfortunately No longer with us) but you don't have to get married even if you find someone that doesn't annoy you all the time. As you get older though, you might change your mind. Just like I never wanted kids because I get annoyed easily. Not saying I hate kids. I just don't have to paitence to deal with them. You'll find someone one day where they annoy you less than anyone else. And they annoy you but in a way that you'll nevwr want to let it go. Don't worry you have time. You can live your life how you want to live it. If you dont want to get married you don't have to. The whole "you should be married by the age 22-25 and have kids" thing is so stereotypical. This is th 21st century we have a choice of you want that life. Be single for as long as you need to be. Go out have fun, go on dates, build a life for yourself. Focusing on yourself is the most important thing. Make sure you are where you want to be in life before making any other decisions like marriage and all that.

So true 💯

[sethmacenzie]

sexist hyprcrite coworker rant

Today was the day I got to know the sexist side of a coworker I thought was really nice. It wasn’t for the first time, but today it really stung. He is generally a super nice guy, friendly, helpful and cheerful, but whenever he works with us women and he asks about something and we answer, he just straight out doesn’t believe us, even if we’ve been doing this for years and actually know what we are doing. Instead he goes over and asks our male cowoker the same question again, to get the same answer again. And we thought he was an idiot for doing it, but it wasn’t actually hurting me before, I just thought he was a moron for doing so.

But today he was supposed to work with me, not the first time that week (he normally works somewhere else, but there are a lot of people on vacation right now) and I didn’t say anything about his behaviour. I don’t do that in general. We work in labor jobs and it gets exhausting, so if you need a break, I won’t tell you that you can’t have one, I’m not our boss, sometimes I have a day where I need a little extra break and since I don’t say anything to him (or anyone else for that matter), then I expect the same from him about me. But today he was gone after I came back from the bathroom and he left his workplace with everything there, so I figured he probably went to the bathroom too, or made a short break. 15 minutes later he shows up, finishes 1 item (takes less then 2 minutes) and leaves to talk to my other coworker. I didn’t say anything to him, even though I was angry for leaving me alone with all the work, 10 minutes later he shows up again, does half of one item, leaves again, I am fuming inside, but I don’t say anything. Then he comes back. I ask him where he was, say that I have been working alone for the past 30 minutes and he gets angry. I was not unfriendly, I just asked.

He tells me that he is now working with my other coworker where he normally is, but that I have nothing to say about that. I say that’s fine, he could’ve just told me that. Then he gets really angry. He says I have no right to talk about the way he works. That he is only minding his own business and I should do the same. He starts about how I work so much less then him (I have a 20h week, he a 40h week), that he didn’t say anything about my work and that he counted how often I went to the bathroom, that I refused to work (not true, I did some other work, while waiting to get something fixed, while he left the room and came back later) and that he does so much more work in the same time as me (he said that he did 7 items in the time I did 2. So he basically told me, that I should just look at my own work, while the hypocrite apparently watched me the whole time. I did not say until that point anything about his work, or how much he worked, I only asked that if he left he’s tell me so that I know I am working alone again. Apart from that. He was just being there for a couple days, i have been doing this for the past 3 years. i know my limit. And yes my limit is less than that of a man twice my weight. Of course he gets more than in the same time (defenitly not as much as he claims, but more), besides the fact, that I know how bad your body works if you go too fast and use too much engery. He made so many long breaks yesterday, sitting down or going to talk to cowokers and today aswell, while I only went to the bathroom and actually worked through my shift. And I can actually say that he went to the bathroom only twice, but each time he went there for about 15 minutes, while I take 2 (just to pee, I drink a lot), and I didn’t say anything to him (10 minutes is a lot less than 30). And we have a coworker (currently on vacation, a woman) who actually works 40h/week aswell and she doesn’t constantly take breaks like that either. He said that he works so much and that I should see how much he did this morning and that I should mind my own business (again). I told him that I never said he didn’t work, I know he can work, I told him I didn’t care if he took a break, that I had no problem with that. I only asked that he’d tell me when we’re not working together anymore and that he should clean up the workspace, because he’s not the only one working there. (I didn’t even say that I did the clean up the day before, because he didn’t do any of it.) I also told him, that I just wanted to know because we had people before asking why the work wasn’t done, with all the help we had. He just said that wasn’t true. Not that he can’t believe it, just that I was lying to his face for no reason. When I said it again later, he askes who and pointed to my coworker working with me and I told him no, not them, the office people do that, those who are closer to our boss and that’s why it can be an issue. But he still dissmissed it, like it was no big deal. It isn’t for him, because it’s not coming back to him. It’s gonna be me and my coworkers who are going to get in trouble if work isn’t done on time And then he just ended the whole conversation, with saying it’s over (the conversation) and that it’s alright. Not apologizing or anything for what he said about me. He did clean up at least, but until today I just though he was being an idiot when he asked my male coworkers or wanted a little break from working, but I was wrong. He is a sexist hyprocrite something I wish I didn’t know about him. And the worst part is, 2 of my other coworker have told me they had similar issues with him. When the first one (40week lady I mentioned above) told me she had a problem with him, I couldn’t believe it because he was always so nice and she can get angry quiet fast. But now I know why. And my other female coworker who helps out sometimes also had the same issues with him. I am someone who always thinks at first: maybe it’s not like that, maybe it’s my fault. But maybe this time it really isn’t. Maybe 3 women who all have the same issues with the guy are right and he is the actual problem. But if I’d tell him that he’d just get angry again and start saying hurtful things about me, that not only hurt me but that are a legit threat to my job. I only ever saw 1 coworker as a problem (he had a really rough time, went through divorce and was a gigantic asshole the whole time and oogled us woman throughout the whole thing, it was really uncomftable, but since he’s got his shit back together we get along pretty well and he really changed his behaviour) but now I have that guy. And I know I won’t say anything to him. Because it won’t go anywhere good. It’s either gonna end up with me feeling even more shitty than I am right now, because I like harmony and not conflict, or it’s going to end with him telling shit about me and me feeling shitty about it, because I hate that hypocritic bullshit and when people just straight up tell me in their face that I am lying, even if I am not. I am going to get over it. The relastionship I had with him is definitly not the same it was before and it will never be, knowing that about him. I just want time to blow over the whole thing until I have forgotten it enough to be able to see him at work without thinking about that. But I know its going to take time. I know it’s going to cost me time I am wasting with thoughts on him, even if he isn’t an important person in my life and it’s going to cost me energy. And he most like with my other coworkers he has issues with, will be the same come Monday and not give it another thought,

while I am here and my annoying brain is making me go through the whole scenario over and over again to find the mistake I made talking to him, to get told what I was,

knowing fully well that it wasn’t me. I have analyzed this enough to know I didn’t say anything about his work ethnic until he pointed out mine, I was friendly, I was nice, I only asked something that woul’ve taken him a second to do (telling me that he was working elsewhere, I would’ve cleaned up for him if he’d asked too). I want my brain to stop thinking about this, but I can’t and he most likely won’t give it another thought..

[miioouu]

Hello! I dunno if the matchups are still open, but congrats on 2k!! Could I get a matchup for both BNHA and Haikyuu if the matchups ARE open? I'm a 5'5", bi-ace transmale with blonde hair and grey eyes! I'm a soft person and I really love humor! I really like sleeping, cuddling, art, and comedy! I'm kinda quiet and anxious, but I can also be loud- I get flustered and distracted easily! I tend to take care of others first, which I forget about myself. My favorite quote is "Stay gold, Ponyboy." ty

Thank you for requesting!! ❤️💜❤️

Your favorite part of the week, has to be friday afternoon. You're done with school and all it's exhausting work, and it's finally the time to relax, to have some fun. After school you went to the movie store, looking for a film you've heard so much about but never watched before, apparently it's a comedy classic. Upon searching the around, looking in different sections, you finally found it. As you took it and looked if you could find anything else roaming around the store looking left and right but never in front of you, you bumped into someone. At the impact you lost your footing and fell down, not hurt but surprised. Everything you were holding falling around. Apologizing sincerely, the man before you was quick to help youul up and gather your things. And once everything was ok, he insisted on buying you the movies as a way of apologizing even when you told him it was unnecessary, he didn't let you go that easily, Midoriya Izuku didn't let you go easily....

Compatible:

-You're both extremely sweet and nice.

-Once you both feel more comfortable around one another, you more hyper and louder side comes out.

-You're both extremely soft and he'd never make you uncomfortable. He'll take things slowly and always makes sure you're ok.

-He always helps you deal with your anxiety, he knows how it feels and he knows how to deal with it too. He's been like that almost all his life.

-Will always take of you. He can see how much you take of others and you forget about yourself so he does that for you.

Difficulties:

-He's very goal oriented that he sometimes forget that he should take life easier.

-You're both too nice for your own good. And more often than not, it affects your relastionship. You don't want to hurt the other, so you tend to hide the truth.

-He can get quite careless and impulsive and your natural caring trait makes you always so worried about him, you baby him sometimes and he hates it.

-He thinks that just beacuse he knows how to deal with his own problems that he'll know how to deal with yours. He doesn't understand that people have diffrent ways to do that.

-You both get distracted easily and it's always in the worst times. On a date after not seeing each other for a long time. During a sweet moment. During a fight....

Others:

-Yachi

-Iwaizumi

-Ushijima

-Uraraka

-Tsuyu

[lampties]

growing up ive tried to always see the good in people even when i struggled with my personal opinion of certiain ones

and around 21 i honestly started to believe it, and was probably the happiest i ever was , even considering a lot of the usual bad things happening that year, i was,,,, pretty poistive? and happy and full of life?

traveled a lot always talking to friends, visitng  everyone i loved and who loved me, was always full of energy and artistically and creatively at an all time high it was pure adreanline

and ever since the guy i used to beleive was my friend molested me its been so hard to even be a fraction of that anymore..

i feel like it,, shouldnt bother me as much because i managed to stop it from furthering into ,,, something else,, even if it was pathetically, so i cant compare myself to anyone. i feel like i cant speak about it because no one will take me seriously because its not as bad as like someone getting raped or not being able to stop it at all. 

but it still,,,,,,,,,affects me almost every day ,, especially since this person works at the same job as me ,,, i hought after a year teh feeling would go away,, and then maybe i thought 2 years it would go,,,,, and then 3 and,, i still feel, so fucked up and , stupid for having panic attacks and fucking up my own realstionships over it

everything feels in a different light and it feels like everyone is just fucking with me all the time.even old friends who i called family have told me things like it wasnt so bad so theyre? probably right so why do i feel so bad i efel so stupid i just want to move on and im so afraid if i move towns or states itll jut follow me

even with new people its so hard to explain why i struggle with my feelings about sex, as if i didnt already, and i feel like ill never be able to have a normal relastionship or happy one with anyone now because of the whole thing.

i wish there was a way to make them pay but maybe this is just a like long over due pent up karam thing for all the fucked up shit ive done through life? i jsut dont wanna feel so stupid anf fucked up anymore 

[jean-and-ali-liveblogs]

Ali: BUT YOU DON’T KNOW THAT! DON’T ASSUME WHAT ARE OTHER PEOPLE’S FEELINGS WITHOUT ASKING THEM!

It always just causes more heartache. I am sorry, but that just annoys me so much. Sure, I know she has good reasons to feel this way. She tried to murder Steven and then they bubbled her and acted like if they completely forgot about her (in fact, it kinda sucks that Sapphire herself didn’t realize that there is one uncorrupted gem they can bring out at the beginning of the episode). But she doesn’t have a full picture. She can’t be certain how they feel about her. And maybe they are really mad at her. Maybe they are actually upset with her. But she is not even giving them and herself a chance to make things better. She is just giving up. 

I lost  friends, because they thought I hated them, while I wasn’t even aware of any problem existing. There was this girl that I didn’t talk with for an year, because I thought she doesn’t want to talk with ME, since she kept ignoring me until I gave up. And then it turned out she was afraid to talk with me, because she thought I was mad at her, and the reason she gave me for that was so... just... I don’t know... petty, that when she explained it to me, I could not help but rudely laugh in her face. After that it took like 10 minutes conversation to make things right between us again. I was not worth losing whole year.

Long long time ago I didn’t talk with Jean for half a year (which becomes really awkward when you life 300 metres away from each other), because he let himself be manipulated by somebody who didn’t like me, instead of talking it out with me. 

COMMUNICATION IS A KEY TO ANY RELASTIONSHIP.

[girlinabluedresss]

The One That Got Away..

Sooo. How do i start this one? Uhhmmm okay. This is a letter for you, Kenneth Guno Morada. I just want to let everything out of me. I’m writing this letter because I don’t want to let you know what I’m feeling right now and the fact that we don’t have any communication. I blocked you on every social media even your girl just because I don’t wanna see you pop up of my feed or me trying to search you on any of it. I deactivated every account I have and deleted the app. I think that’s a good start right? I only have this.. so I can let it all out what I cannot say to you. Okay.. here it goes..

You were my bestfriend since 2013 and at the same time the love of my life, my enemy, adviser, brother, knight and shining armour, the king to my queen, you were my marshall eriksen in this world full of barney stinson. To make it short, you were my one true love and I let you go. For what reason? Hmmm. It’s because I want to explore the world, and I want to get out of my comfort zone. I want you to explore too, to find happiness in other things not just me. I want you to love yourself more and not focus on me for awhile. I don’t want to be your world, I want you to see the world. I don’t want you to depend on me everytime that you wanna make a decision for yourself. I don’t want to hurt you just because of the distance between us. We were on a long distance relationship for too long and I don’t want you to keep on waiting or wasting your time and effort on me. I don’t wanna see you tired of waiting for me to get home when you should be sleeping because we have a different time zone. I don’t want you to wait for years just to see me for only a month. Why? Because I know you’re hurting, I can tell. When you need me I cannot be there by your side because we’re a thousand miles away from each other. I want you to be woth someone whose just a phone call away not me because I still want something else for myself. I know i was so selfish on my part, and didn’t think everything through first before making a decision but it was the right thing to do for the both of us. I’m sorry for what I did, for the decision I made a year ago. I still am regretting that decision tho. Don’t worry, I’ll get through this, just like you.

What if I didn’t made that stupid decision? Would we still be happy? Would we still be successful on everything we have right now if we’re still together? Do we still see each other every other year and go on simple dates like we planned? Are we still gonna make everything that we planned for our future?

I would answer all that question with a no.. because if I didn’t break with you, I would still want to explore the world, my mind is already set for that. Maybe we would be successful but are we happy? If the other person wants to get out of the comfort zone? Yes if we get married, everything is already planned right? But are we happy with what we planned for our future. We only think of our future together not the future for ourselves. We might be happy as a couple but are we happy as an individual?

You always asked me why I ended our 3 year relationship when we both know that it’s really fine. We’re both happy, no problem or anything. The only hindrance between us is the distance. Well, distance made our relastionship stronger. There’s no third party or anything that ended our relationship it just because that one person needs a time for itself first. That’s why the relationship ended. It’s my choice to end it and it’s me who is regretting it. They say you shouldn’t regret the decision you made but here I am regretting it. Haha. I’m so jealous of the woman you are with today. I see that you’re happy with her. I just wish that she makes you happy more than what I did to make you happy. I just wish I was her right now. Maybe I just didn’t learn how to wait. You that I’m so impatient. Maybe that’s why we broke up. Haha.

I’m still thankful for everything we had. I must say we didn’t had a sad or depressing memory only the break up. We only had fun, crazy, happy memories together. Thank you for being my everything to every thing. You were there for me in every struggle I had same as I with you. This is not a goodbye, because when we say goodbye to someone it means you don’t want to see them again. I just wanna say see you again maybe and I hope when we see each other again, we’re happy with our life and you’re gonna be in it again. I just wish right? Hahaha. We cannot tell the destiny? We cannot tell what God is writing about our love story. We just need to go on with our life today and npt interfere with Him. He knows what He’s doing. I know, He is God. I trust him a lot with my destiny. Sooo. This is the end of my letter to you. Iloveyoustill piggy. Imissyousomuch. (>^.^)> *poweeeerrrrr huuuugggggg*

[sweetnessthesweetmess]

Depression Mind Dump

I live in a generation that only sees worth in what you can do for others. What job you have, how much money you have, how many followers you have. We smile for social media because it's not okay to show weakness, but for me it didn't start with the cell phones and the internet, it started at home.

 My parents had me and my sister at a very young age, as did most of the women in my family. My mother, barely out of high school herself, suddenly had twin baby girls to care for in a city she didn’t know. My father enlisted and spent much of my childhood overseas to provide for us. I understand that things were hard for them. What they never understood, and still don't today, is that things are hard for me too. The only difference between me and them, is I don't have a support system. Systematically each member of my family has found a reason to discredit me and push me aside, yet now they wonder why I don't reach out to them. Why I don't seek comfort in them or ask for help. It's been instilled in me since I was a child.

 As early as I can remember I just wanted to make them proud, especially my father. I followed the rules, a got good grades, and I was praised on how smart I was. It wasn't because I wanted to learn, and the archaeic system used in our schools doesn't promote learning. It promotes the ability to absorb information and regurgitate it for a score. I was lucky to have a great memory then, but my sister was not. I was the "smart one" and my sister was "the pretty one." We fought for attention, for love, for acceptance for who we were. This competitive life we lived ruined my relastionship with the one person in this world I should have been able to confide in. My twin sister.

I found out later that I was referred to as "the other one" by my mother, which really solidified my thoughts that she always loved my sister more than me. They were so close, I wished that I could have had the relationship that they had. I had my father though, and for a long time things were good. I got good grades, I played softball, I took advanced classes and graduated in the top 15% of my class of over 1,000 seniors. My relationship with him was decent, as long as I succeeded. But he used to do one thing that would break me all the time. Tell me that I was "too good for that".

 I wanted to be an artist, I used to paint and draw, but I was too smart "just to be an artist."

I wanted to be a chef. I love to cook, but "chefs don't make money, and you'd never see your husband or children."

The career choice was always different, but the answers were always the same.

"You should go into cyber security, like me," he said.

"But I don’t like working with computers…."

"It doesn't matter, there's job security there. You'll always be needed. You'll always be able to find work."

So I never picked a field because nothing seemed to good enough for HIM. When I should have followed what made ME happy.

 I struggled with depression from a young age, and I still do today. I had no one to talk to because I systematically watched my parents hide all of our problems from the people closest to us. Our own family. We never spoke of our fights or disagreements in front of them, and if I mentioned any of our "dirty laundry" to them at Sunday dinner I was punished for making them look bad. Image was everything back then, and even more so now. I was taught that asking for help was weakness. That talking about our problems did nothing but destroy our image. That I had to be this perfect little girl.

 Things got even worse as I grew older, my mother and I fought about everything, and still do now when we do speak. I wasn't a bad kid. I just had opinions that didn't match hers, they raised me to think and understand the world around me, but never to use it outside of the classroom. She would call me terrible names and destroy my self worth. Some examples include -

"If I could have aborted just one of you, I would have kept your sister and let you die." I don't remember what I did that day, but her response really stuck with me. I believe it was when I peeled the paint off the bathroom wall because she had been upset with me and locked me in there for hours. I was maybe 10 years old at the time.

"Get out of my house you n*gger loving whore." That was when I started dating a black guy in high school. I was 17. I moved out that year because all my parents ever fought about was me.

"You'll never make it one your own without a man, forgive him and get over it." She said this to me when I confided in her that my boyfriend at the time was emotionally abusive and I was thinking about leaving him. I was 19.

 My father, bless his heart, always defended me. I know his heart is in the right place when he badgers me about not finishing my degree. He introduced me to reading, and I always enjoyed our "family time" in the evenings when we would read together. He isn't emotionally cold because he wants to be, but because he doesn't understand how to be anything otherwise. He's been there for me when I needed him. When my mother demanded that he choose between her and me, he always picked me. When I needed some money to get a license for work he was there, though my mother complained that she wouldn't get as nice of a toilet in their bathroom they were renovating at the time. I tried to pay him back a week later, but he told me keep it. That was and is the only money I have ever asked them for in 9 years. $200. I wish I could have a relationship with him now, but my mother keeps that from happening. I get the impression that she is jealous of the love he has for me. And because I love him so very much, I refuse to complicate his life by being a part of it.

 My sister has always been a piece of work. Her goal as a child was to sabotage me in any way that she could. She would tattle on me when I did anything wrong, trash my room so that my mother would scream at me, pick fights with me and pester me until we were throwing punches. I wanted so badly to have the romanticized "twin" relastionship, but were too different, and pitting against each other. I never thought she was dumb, I admired her so much. She could talk to anyone with ease, she made friends so quickly and people just wanted to be around her. I wanted to be around her… but I wasn't pretty or popular, so I cramped her style. We couldn't have been any different, and after I moved out we didn't really speak. She's "winning" in the eyes of my family now. I am happy that she is happy, she has found a family that truly cares. I was so angry with her when she chose her husbands sister to be her maid of honor, it hurt so badly, but I can understand why. Our family always told her that she wasn't enough either because she wasn't the smartest girl. So, she found a family that did accept her for who she is. I hope that one day we can be friends again, but we don’t know how to love each other.

 I thought things were going to be different after my diagnosis, but it further separated us. They don’t know how to handle my illness. They don’t know how to accept it, so they choose to ignore it. That's what we do, we ignore the problems in our life that make us seem like less. Because there is no fixing me.

For a brief moment though, we were a family again. I was dying in a hospital bed, but we were all together. After I was released things were alright for a little while, but soon we all drifted apart again. We don’t know how to talk to each other and it breaks my heart.

 So now I am alone, with no job or healthcare. A wide variety of skills, but no degree. I suffer from brain damage from literally dying so many times in the last five years because I drown in my own blood, so the idea of going back to school terrifies me. I want to find a job, but I get so sick so easily that being around people is almost impossible. I hurt everyday, but I don’t qualify for disability because lupus was a word thrown around by my doctors, but never written down. Even when I had health insurance I couldn’t go to the doctor because it was still too expensive and now I don't have insurance and it is almost impossible. Even if I did go back, I'm not ready for the barrage of tests and needles that I have to endure. The blood draws and infusions, transfusions, and plasma dialysis. I don’t want to endure the suffering just to continue to live in a world where I am already suffering alone.

 I don’t know how to build a meaningful relationship. I don't know how to maintain them. I don't have any desire to be a part of this world where money is all that matters because I KNOW that there is something greater out there. I want to disappear, to be away from it all so I no longer feel like a burden.