#this is actually exhausting
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writing meddison is like. addison is a romantic until she's not. meredith is a little shit until she's not. they're in love. i don't know how to write them being in love without it feeling out of character for one or both of them. present day meredith is so different from the meredith addison knew in 2006. writing past meddison is like a whole different ship from present day meddison.
#yes i made this post instead of writing. what of it#i'm struggling. meredith characterization will be the death of me#i literally go back and am like. she would not fucking say that. about my OWN writing#this is actually exhausting#meddison#thea talks
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when someone doesn’t wanna tell me what i did wrong and suddenly i’m 8 years old wondering what i did to make my mom mad again
#bpd safe#bpd thoughts#bpd vent#bpd#mentally exhausted#actually mentally ill#borderline personality disorder#tw depressing thoughts#depressing shit#sadgirl#sad thoughts#bpd shit#shitpost#mental health#mentally fucked#mental illness#mentally unstable#tired
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Being forcefully raised as a woman is not any less traumatic and emotionally repressive as being forcefully raised as a man. Femininity is not inherently pure and safe. Coercing someone to perform femininity is not any less toxic than coerced masculinity. Being dysphoric around femininity or having trauma from women doesn’t make you a misogynist.
#transandrophobia#transmasculine experiences#antitransmasculinity#transmisandry#im so exhausted from both cis and trans people acting like trans men choosing to engage with femininity as much or as little as we want is#somehow a statement on how we feel about women#and not just our own personal comfort#make all the forced fem jokes you would like#but remember those of us who were forced to be feminine#actually experienced serious trauma from that#and deserve a space to talk about it
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#you will survive. you will make it to tomorrow. we will persist. we will always be here no matter what they want#sorry for my doom posting here#this is actually important to remember I’m just worked up#also I’m exhausted but the kind where I cannot sleep#election#us politics#us elections
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i hate when people ask how i’m doing like.. horrible. next question
#actually bpd#bpd safe#bpd vent#actually borderline#actually mentally ill#bpd problems#bpd thoughts#bpd#mental illness#mentally exhausted#mentally fucked
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What Narcissism Is:
holding yourself to extremely high standards (if I'm not perfect at it, I'm a failure)
being incredibly sensitive to criticism (becoming suicidal if you think someone thinks you're bad at something)
having a very brittle sense of self-worth that's heavily reliant on what others think of you
What Narcissism is Not:
being uniquely abusive
having no morals
being a bad person
ETA: this is not an exhaustive list of NPD traits! more traits than these are necessary to have NPD! I chose these particular features to emphasize things that aren't often talked about outside of dedicated NPD communities and to highlight the fact that NPD is a disorder based in the internalized fear that you are never good enough.
#this is not an exhaustive list#npd#narcissistic personality disorder#actually narcissistic#narcissism
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they should invent a form of self harm where no one notices or gives a fuck
#tw sh related#tw sh implied#tw sh joke#tw sh destructive behaviour#sh vent#bpd vent#actually bpd#bpd thoughts#bpd#bpd problems#actually borderline#bpd safe#mentally tired#actually mentally ill#mentally fucked#mentally exhausted#mentally unstable#im so tired#im tired#tired#so tired#fml#bpd stuff
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i don’t want to live like this. i only exist at this point. all i do is distract my mind so i don’t kill myself
#actually borderline#actually bpd#being borderline#borderline blog#borderline culture is#borderline pd#borderline thoughts#borderline vent#bpd#bpd blog#suic1de#su1c1dal#su1c1d4l#borderline life#living with borderline#borderline personality disorder#borderline#borderline things#bpd feels#bpd thoughts#bpd culture is#bpd vent#bpd shit#bpd relatable#actually mentally ill#mentally exhausted#mentally unstable#im going insane#im so tired#tw sui ideation
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#menhera#mental health#actually borderline#actually bpd#actually mentally ill#borderline blog#borderline personality disorder#bpd#bpd thoughts#bpd vent#borderline problems#bpd feels#bpd meme#jirai kei#jirai boy#jirai danshi#jirai#jiraiblogging#jiraiblr#地雷系#mood swings#mentally exhausted#mentally unstable#mental health awareness#mental illness
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Michael learns of Jeff’s pizza from FNAF Into the pit
#myart#chloesimagination#comic#fnaf#five nights at freddy's#fnaf fanart#michael afton#oswald fnaf#Jeff fnaf#Jeff’s pizza#into the pit#fnaf itp#Jeff from Jeff’s pizza my beloved…#I did finish into the pit btw#(which I might replay soon to get the best ending)#CAN I JUST SAY I love Jeff#He’s just so chill#I like how he doesn’t really stop Oswald at all#he’s actually really nice to the lil guy despite how exhausted he is#so needed any excuse I could have to draw him out#Michael curious what happened to Freddy’s after it shut down etc#SHOCKED that the Jeff in Jeff’s pizza is a real dude named Jeff#Jeff is once again unphased by Michael just think he’s sick#it’s funny cause Jeff is called ‘zombie pizza guy’ ny Oswald in the books#so truly Jeff and Michael might just match in vibes pff#also may draw Jeff again.. I think he’s neat#might update his design too here and there but I think I more or less got him down
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pls don’t flirt with me i want to be nonchalant so bad but i unfortunately crave connection so intensely that i will give you my entire soul and forgive you over and over until i’ve lost myself completely and feel like i’m drowning
#bpd safe#bpd thoughts#bpd vent#bpd#mentally exhausted#actually bpd#sadgirl#depressing shit#mental health#mental illness#mentally fucked#mentally unstable#disordered eating mention#actually mentally ill#sad thoughts#self h@rm#suic1de#bpd stuff#substance addiction#substance abuse#shitpost#addiction#bpd feels#borderline personality disorder#tw depressing thoughts#girls who do hard drugs#ed culture#eating disoder trigger warning#sadnees#actually borderline
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Being in America is super fun because you get to see Trump going up against Biden in a presidential election with both of them being dogshit options, mass protests against what should very obviously be seen as an injustice that spits in the face of what you were told your country stands for, except the government disagrees, using the power of the militarized state to brutalize protestors, all the while people spread malicious lies regularly with millions believing their every word(a lot of it being thanks to some rich freak on Twitter). Also, the economy is doing pretty damn poor and you see media sources tell you to sacrifice your well-being all while the ultra rich get richer and richer.
And then after you're done with 2020, you get to do it again four years later
#living in america is so exhausting sometimes#i genuinely believe there is good in this country#the idea of a cultural melting pot founded on liberty and freedom is a very very good one#the issue comes in where half the country doesnt actually care about those values
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who wants to lay on top of me like a weighted blanket and fix me
#i can't use actual weighted blankets bc it feels suffocating but another person? 10/10#not even in any kind of way i just need someone to crush my body back into some sort of shape that is not exhausted and aching#need me a bear hug and a bear to crush me tbh#the cabin will fix me. i will be secluded and alone and get high one of the nights and have smores. i will take stupid nature walks and read
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sometimes i just sit and think. wow i should end my life
#borderline blog#bpd diary#actually borderline#actually bpd#bpd vent#i hate bpd#borderline personality disorder#bpd#borderline pd#bpd fp#npd blog#actually mentally ill#mentally fucked#mentally exhausted#jiraiblr#jiraiblogging#landmineblogging#landmineblr
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In the past, people in the Animal Crossing community would make fun of Tom Nook as a sleazy landlord. Since then, he's really rehabilitated his image as this 'heart of gold' businessman (he's the one who puts bells and furniture in trees for you to find! he adopted orphans! he donates to charity!), but New Horizons genuinely paints the most devious version of him.
He's successfully privatized settler colonialism: you pay HIM to move to a "deserted island" (which apparently the oceans in the AC world are just full of) and start a colony that he is directly invested in. At best he's running a weird vacation package scam (you arrive on the island with no money and in debt for "using his services"). At worst, he's using you to set up company towns. For god's sake, he literally has his own fake currency that he forces you to use to pay off your debt. But don't worry, he's repackaged it in a way that definitely doesn't sound like an MLM scam: the Nook Mileage Program!
You're no longer just his tenant or his temporary part-timer, you're his business lackey. The entire tutorial section of the game has you spending actual weeks running around completing tasks and doing hard labor to set up his colony. You're even tasked with preparing his properties and finding buyers for them. No, you aren't a tenant anymore. You work for the landlord. You are directly responsible for finding tenants for him. And he doesn't even fucking pay you. Not for setting up town hall and museum, or his nephew's shop –– which is the ONLY store on the entire island that sells necessities –– or bringing KK Slider to town, or helping populate his town. Not a single cent. No, actually, you have to pay HIM to BUY infrastructure like bridges and stairs and park benches. And all the while, he's telling you're the "resident representative"; you get to call the shots! That the reward is the community's progress. That what you're doing is in everyone's best interest (but most importantly, his).
Since NH's release, people have done a lot of legwork to say that Tom Nook isn't a capitalist while the game shows him at his very worst. He owns the only general store in town. You're forced to use a phone that he modified and branded as his own. Buy Nook-branded furniture and merchandise at the self-serve kiosk in the town hall, a governmental building! There's no conflict of interest here!
But hey, if you're tired of being the landlord/business mogul's goon, you can also find work as a deluxe resort home designer for a company that also pays you in their special company currency that can only be used to buy their products instead of a real salary! Because that's what the Animal Crossing franchise needs! More vacation homes!!!
#this is a really long winded way to say i really really really really hate new horizon's storyline and player role#i really hate that not only your house but the entire TOWN. the whole COMMUNITY you're a part of is owed to tom nook's business#i really hate the “vacation getaway package” angle because it shows just how commercialized the entire premise of nh is#and how lost the game is in its original core concept#animal crossing is about the experience of moving to a new town and becoming a part of that community#just to compare: all past ac games have a similar opening#you're on a bus or train or taxi to someplace new. a stranger strikes up a conversation and you get to know them before arriving#new horizons opens with you at customer service desk filling out an client application before a flight.#in prev games working for nook in the tutorial is meant to be demeaning. you want it to be over with so you can actually start living life#but in new horizons working for tom nook IS your life. and it's so rewarding! don't you feel rewarded?#you aren't a person. you aren't a new neighbor. you're tom nook's client. and then his unpaid employee. and the game insists it's fun to be#that's how void the game is#because it's bad enough that a rpg life sim got turned into a sandbox game where you have to build the town yourself#but the only reason why you're building it is because the landlord who you're in debt to TOLD you to build it.#everything is a rewards program! everything is a tour service! be sure to do your daily tasks to earn nook bucks to spend on nook merch!#that really sucks imo.#i mean. the entire game is based around the vacationing industry. of course it all feels fake and temporary. it's only a vacation.#long post#rant#not art#god the fact that your starter villagers can't even decide where to live you have to decide for them#i've never played a game that does the opposite of handholding#where instead it's the PLAYER who has to handhold the npcs through everything. and newsflash!! it's really exhausting and boring
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Doesn't matter how much effort I put in, right? It's hard to love me.
#mentally fucked#mentally exhausted#mentally tired#mentally unstable#mental illness#actually mentally ill#actually bpd#bpd thoughts#bpd#borderline personality disorder#borderline problems#boderline personality disorder#actually borderline#bpd feels#bpd diary#bpd vent#fp bpd#bpd fp#actually boderline
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