#they wrote about me in the dsm i think

[mercury-lynx]

Big bug ramble~

Alright I got asked to show off my bug taxidermy so here it is, also couldn't resist to add some of my other bug stuff (key word is some) enjoy!!

Here's the ones I have personally pinned, the ones on the left are specimens from SEasia (gifts from a teacher of mine :3) and the ones on the right are all from around the pacific northwest (where I'm from!) The ones in that case are pretty old and from when I first started to ignore how bad they are (and they are ones all found outside so some had tattered wings to begin with)

Here's the only one that I didn't pin myself. I bought this at a convention 2 years ago and I love it sm! <3 I also included my favorite bug sticker book i got in Seattle and some of my bandai bug figures :3

Here's most of my bug pins, the rest are on my backpack or have yet to be put up. Also that's a lady bug rug i made when I was like 7

Here's most of my bug books (again, there's likly more in my room somewhere) and yes I was the type of kid to carry around nature and biology encyclopedias EVERYWHERE

Shout out to this very specific corner of my room!! Yes that is my high school graduation cap with a mantis wearing a grad cap on it

And just like every other neurodivergent I love pokemon. You will NEVER guess my favorite type

I love holding bugs too ofc

And that looks like all I can add picture wise in one post, I didn't even get to my insect photography (T_T)

Also I'm getting tested for autism on Friday, I'm gonna ace this test

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

I don’t know if you already wrote about this so forgive me if this is a repeat question but, what do you think about Leona’s depression? I feel it’s pretty obvious in game and yet it’s always glossed over as him being ‘lazy’ idk but I don’t find many talking about his really shitty mental health with any seriousness.

Surprisingly I haven't addressed this (at least not in detail)! So thank you for bringing this to my attention; I definitely feel like I've heard people (especially Leona fans) discuss this quite frequently. If you look in the right places, you’re sure to find insightful commentary on the subject! I know I certainly have, but I've yet to say my own piece on it yet.

Now, before I actually get to actually rambling, I want to preface this post with a few points so we can walk in knowing the perspective I'm coming from. Analysis isn't a "one size fits all"! My experiences and background will color the lenses through which I view Leona’s mental health.

First and foremost, I usually don't go out of my way to claim, "this character has X condition" beyond what is outright stated or implied in canon. That does NOT mean that I disapprove of fans who may have their headcanons that say otherwise or project onto or relate to characters' mental health. You can consume the media you like however you want! I am just saying that I don't have this preference so I feel somewhat uncomfortable speaking on this matter.

Secondly, I am trying to approach this situation from a very clinical viewpoint (as I do have knowledge in this area). This means that when I look for “implications” or read between the lines, I am doing so as objectively as I can. It’s how I choose to process and understand characters from a health angle. This does not mean that my opinion is certain; you could very well find someone else in this area that gives you the opposite opinion. As always, I warn you that my response is for fun, it is NOT meant to be taken as medical advice.

Lastly, PLEASE READ THE ENTIRE POST before you comment or share your own thoughts. I'm up for having a discussion, but I ask that you not do so without getting the full context of my thoughts. It’s a lot of information, and I did my best to break it down in a way that (I hope!!) is easy to understand.

CONTENT WARNING: due to the nature of the question at hand, I will be discussing or mentioning potentially triggering topics such as ***depression, suicidal ideation, dieting, homophobia, and substance abuse.*** Please look away if you are not in the right headspace to read about such topics.

Okay, let's rip the band-aid off now: I don't think Leona is clinically depressed.

Pause. Rewind. Take note of my careful wording there: clinically depressed. I don't think Leona is clinically depressed. What does that mean, and how does that relate to "being depressed"?

I think when people describe Leona as "depressed", they commonly mean that he "has depression", not that he is just feeling sad or has low self-esteem. By "having depression", I'm going to assume they are referring to "major depressive disorder", which is the technical term for the condition.

"It's just an abbreviation of the longer term. What's the issue with using 'depression'?” you're probably wondering. “You understand that we mean major depressive disorder.” Well, equating the two does NOT a diagnosis make.

Mental conditions such as major depressive disorder are documented in a handbook known as the DSM (or the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). The latest version, the DSM-5-TR (5th edition with text revisions), was published in 2022. The DSM is a manual that sets forth criteria for each diagnosis in its pages. Of course, this includes major depressive disorder—and it may surprise you to learn that Leona does not meet its diagnostic criteria.

A diagnosis of "depression" (the term I will henceforth be using as shorthand for the disorder) is much more than having persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness, being unmotivated/lazy, and wanting to sleep often. (I bring up these three things specifically because they are the ones I see being pointed at most frequently to “prove” the diagnosis.)

In order to be formally diagnosed, an individual must be experiencing at least 5 or more of the following symptoms during the same 2-week period:

Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day.

Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day.

Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain, or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day.

A slowing down of thought and a reduction of physical movement (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down).

Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day.

Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day.

Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day.

Recurrent thoughts of death, recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide.

At least one of the symptoms should be either 1) depressed mood or 2) loss of interest or pleasure in activities they previously found enjoyable. Furthermore, the symptoms must cause what is known as "clinically significant distress", which is defined by impairment in important areas of functioning. This includes, but is not limited to, socialization, occupation, and/or education. The symptoms must also not be the result of substance abuse or another medical condition, and the individual must ever have experienced mania or hypomania.

Let’s briefly go through each criterion + additional documents and see what evidence there is or isn’t to support it:

We do not have his medical records to cross reference, so for the sake of convenience let’s assume no underlying or additional medical conditions.

We must consider additional context about family, lifestyle, etc. which can confound his symptoms. For example, as a prince, Leona has grown up having most things done for him by servants. This is what he is used to. So when we observe Leona not doing basic things for himself (getting food, doing laundry, making his bed), how much of this can we truly attribute to an underlying condition and how much of this can we attribute to Leona being accustomed to a certain kind of lifestyle?

Leona (at least from what we know of) does not experience mania, nor is he depicted as taking mind or behavior altering substances.

Of the first two criteria, Leona must fit into one: either 1) depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, or 2) markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day. These depend on how you interpret his actions and behaviors. Personally, I don’t think Leona strongly fits into 2 because he still has an interest in his hobbies like Magift/Spelldrive and playing chess (though his involvement in it varies depending on the context). I will concede that there is stronger evidence for 1 over 2, as Leona has definitely expressed sadness and despair regarding himself and his future prospects. It is these thoughts that drive him away from home and keep contact with his family at a minimum. It is these thoughts that prevent him from seeing himself as worthy or even capable of change—a sentiment he shares in book 6, when he encourages Jamil but does not grant himself the same kindness or optimism. For this reason, we will go with the first criterion.

He has not experienced notable weight loss nor gain, nor a notable increase or decrease in appetite. Regarding his general diet, Leona has expressed a preference for meat and rejects vegetables. This by itself does not really provide any useful information in of itself; many people have this preference.

Leona does not experience a slowing down of thought. He is still very sharp and quick-witted in responding to his surroundings, especially in potentially dangerous ones, and coming up with an appropriate plan to counter. It can be argued that Leona has had a reduction in physical movement, as many characters often make remarks about how they perceive him as lazy or not doing much. However, this criterion actually refers to the speed at which one completes an activity and as far as I know, Leona is not said to be moving sluggishly, he only conducts himself in a manner that can be described as "lazily elegant". Even if we stretched the definition to encompass long-term goals he is putting off (like graduation), this criteria is still not counted for Leona since the wording used in the DSM-5-TR states “slowing down of thought AND reduction in physical movement” must be present. In other words, both must be true, not just one of them.

Leona does seem to experience some level of fatigue or loss of energy. This could be one way of interpreting his desire to sleep excessively instead of tending to more meaningful matters (like class). Fatigue, in this case, can also refer to emotional or mental fatigue. The sleep, then, can serve as a means of escape from reality for Leona, but it does not indicate actual physical tiredness. Rather, the tiredness can be intangible. This is also a potential explanation for his lack of motivation when it comes to some activities, especially those that demand him to take charge.

Leona does appear to experience feelings of worthlessness, though perhaps not excessive or inappropriate guilt. In fact, I would wager Leona does not demonstrate the latter, although this could be attributed to the fact that we are not in his head and he does not open up to others about his feelings. For example, we still don't know what his feelings are on almost killing Ruggie in a fit of rage. This does not discredit this criterion though, as the wording in the DSM is “feelings of worthlessness OR […] guilt” meaning one or the other suffices. It is no secret that Leona seeks recognition for his skills—something he was denied as a child and even put down for. While he is aware of his strengths, he has moments when he doubts himself (stating that he can’t change, or giving up when he realizes his plans won’t work so what’s the point in trying?), the contributions he can make (even when his older brother reassures him he can help their country), and encouragement from others (Jack telling him his play inspired him).

As I've said before, Leona does not have a diminished ability to think or concentrate. It has been shown to us time and time again that he doesn't do schoolwork not for lack of trying or lack of understanding, but because he thinks of himself as above it. Leona has already been tutored by the finest teachers royal money can buy, so he believes there is not much else for him to learn. He is also not shown to be indecisive--he can make decisions very quickly and can guide others or at least convince them to go along with him.

Leona does not have suicidal ideation or have recurring thoughts of committing suicide/death. While it's true that this is a game rated for ages 4+ (and therefore has restrictions on what content is and is not allowed in it), TWST has demonstrated to us that there are ways to imply suicidal ideation and other dark themes without explicitly saying it. (One notable example is Idia in late book 6, where he drops lines like "I'll go with you" and expresses dissatisfaction with "this world" to Ortho, who is known to be dead. To this, Ortho reassures him and encourages him to keep living. In fact, I could go on a whole tangent about how Idia better fits the criteria for major depressive disorder, but we're not going to get into that here.) The fact that TWST does not really imply this about Leona makes me think this is not true of him.

It can be said that the symptoms Leona does have are clinically significant, as his behavior is shown to have significant impact on his studies to the point where he was held back a grade. This was not because he did not know the material, but because he failed to find the motivation to attend class and to do his assignments. It also appears that Leona didn't really make an effort to work toward his future until book 7, when he actually talks his internship plans and about wanting to graduate.

We may guess that the symptoms persisted for two weeks or more (given Leona’s history and involvement in the main story), but the frequency of the symptoms is unclear since the game controls what we see of Leona and what we don’t.

Taking all of that into consideration, Leona does in fact exhibit depressive symptoms, but only 3 at most (I say “at most” because we have no idea about the true frequency at which some behaviors occur; we aren’t with Leona 24/7, nor has he reported it to us) out of the 8 total criteria. That’s 2 short of a diagnosis.

“But wait, there’s a lot of information missing here! We don’t have medical records, his weight and appetite changes, etc.” That’s true—but see, the main issue I take with diagnosing fictional characters in the first place is that we oftentimes do not know a character in detail enough to understand the full scope of their lives and symptoms. Noticing a few details is one thing and valid to an extent, but to evaluate an individual is not purely observational. This is particularly true for TWST characters, as even though there is plenty of content to refer back to for behavior, there is still a lack of really going into daily activities or deep feelings (beyond the one post-OB flashback for the OB boys). We cannot observe their behavior extensively. Because of this, tons of key criteria may not be visible to us from the audience’s perspective, let alone a medical history or other data to consider for assessment. We will almost always have an incomplete profile of a fictional character. Health is holistic and not entirely based on what we as individuals see or on all anecdotal evidence.

Just as health considers all parts of the individual, we, too, must consider individual cases of depression. It is possible for depression to exist without a diagnosis—many people (especially older adults), unfortunately, go undiagnosed for their condition. At the same time, it is possible for Leona to have depression which manifests in an atypical way. Each person with depression presents differently than the last, so I so not intend to make any blanket statements about the general population with this condition. The only statement I am making here is that based on my own interpretation of the current lore TWST has granted is, Leona Kingscholar does not satisfy the criteria for a formal clinical diagnosis, at least not for major depressive disorder as is defined by the DSM-5-TR.

Interestingly, Leona does fit the diagnostic criteria for a subclinical form of depression in a 1994 version of the DSM (IV). Minor depression or minor depressive disorder, colloquially known as “everyday depression”, is defined as having 2–4 depressive symptoms persisting for more than 2 weeks. One of these symptoms must be either depressed mood or loss of interest. It should be noted that this terminology is no longer recognized, as new information is added and dropped from the manual all the time. The information is flexible based on the consensus of a panel of hundreds of experts. Older versions of the DSM can be horribly outdated and it is not advised to reference them over newer ones. (As an example, "homosexuality" was legitimately listed as a mental illness in the very first version of the DSM. Yikes. Thankfully, this was dropped from the DSM-II. Other conditions like "multiple personality disorder" are granted new names like "dissociative identity disorder" or reworked altogether as our studies and understanding of mental health and science improve. It is important to keep up with the research coming out and update our approaches accordingly.)

We do not currently have a label for Leona’s situation aside from perhaps experiencing depressive episodes (periods of notable sadness lasting under 2 weeks) and exhibiting some depressive symptoms. I must stress that just because we lack a full-blown diagnosis, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t impact his life. Leona is shown to very clearly be struggling with his mental health. He spends a lot of time in bed, typically cannot be motivated to attend class or do complete assignments, and has moments where he thinks very lowly of himself in spite of the confidence he exudes to others. What's more is that because Leona does not speak to others about what he's going through, it comes off as laziness or arrogance to his peers. Think of it this way: if you have a bad day and snap at a stranger or an acquaintance, the stranger/acquaintance is far less likely to grant you grace or forgiveness for your behavior compared to, say, a friend. They are not as familiar with you, so they will have less patience and are less likely to consider what you may be going through on a personal level. This also applies on a fandom level; if a fan is not actively reading between the lines, they, like Leona's peers, may miss the depressive symptoms he is displaying because they aren't looking for it. How many people can we say are close friends with Leona for him to open up to them about his circumstances? I would say Leona barely even lets his own dorm members be intimate enough with him to let them know about this part of himself. He has Savanaclaw backing him, but he probably does not talk to the mobs extensively. Ruggie is his errand boy, but I doubt Leona pours his heart out to him. And Jack is the newbie who did technically betray their dorm, so Leona might not trust him. Forget about people beyond his dorm. Even his family is not much better off; we've seen that Leona tends to brush off his brother's friendliness and attempts to make amends. There is no strong support system in place for him, which is tricky because Leona perpetuates it by keeping others at bay. In the light novel adaptation of book 2, Leona has an inner monologue about how he is afraid of letting others give him hope because it will encourage him to try again, only to fail another time. I imagine similar logic applies here; he is afraid of showing his vulnerable side because it might give him hope for change when he as late as book 6 expresses that he has given up on himself. I think that this is the detail about Leona most look to when they consider his mental health. The hallmark of depression is, after all, the feeling of perpetual sadness and despair itself. Most do not realize that other factors are considered.

From a clinical lens, it is not “obvious" that Leona is depressed. However, I understand why the prevailing sentiment tends to skew in the opposite direction. For the layman, it may be difficult to distinguish what is and is not clinically significant enough to warrant an actual diagnosis. Again, most will cite the same three pieces of information to support the depression reading: Leona's irritability, his unwillingness to participate, and the rejection he experienced as a child (which has now manifested as self-doubt and low self-esteem). Characters are often judged based on fans' own experiences, and this naturally comes with biases and subjectivity. Thus, some fans may project their own understanding or preconceived notions of what the "typical" depressed person acts like in their head onto Leona. This is normal human empathy at play. I believe that other fans see depression in Leona either because they experience it themselves or are familiar with someone in the same shoes. It can be difficult, and at times we can find solace and solidarity in fiction, especially if we find a character that “speaks to us” and seems relatable. That character may be Leona for some people. If you see do see him in this light or relate to his situation, I’m not invalidating your feelings. On the contrary, I'm happy that you were able to find comfort in him and that a piece of media you love can serve as a coping mechanism. You keep on doing you!

It is at this point that I will reiterate what I said at the start with a little extra nuance: I do not think Leona clinically depressed BUT I do believe he has depressive symptoms and poor mental health as the result of his cumulative circumstances. It is possible for him to have major depressive disorder, but we cannot determine this for certain with the information available to us right now. We are still missing several key components that would typically be considered in the evaluation process.

I think it's important to step back from focusing on labels and instead focus on the individual experience, and how you can still grow as a person and not let a perceived label define you. Leona is definitely working on himself! Changing, particularly changing a deeply ingrained mindset, takes much time and effort. We may not see the progress since Leona tends to hide it and/or we have limited intractions with him. We may not always see giant strides because the process is difficult. Even so, Leona is trying to jump over those mental and emotional hurdles. He's putting his all back into Magift/Spelldrive training. He's attending classes and doing the assignments. He's going home for the holidays. He has an internship planned. He wants to graduate. I've enjoyed following Leona's journey of growth and self-development and seeing all the intense discussion surrounding that. It all comes from a place of love and wanting to support the characters we care about, no matter how we may individually view him.

[ckret2]

I already went in for a re-read of Chapter 6 and based on some of the things said both from Bill (who is probably "insecure" for lack of a better term, about his lack of power and control in the Theraprsim) and his nemesis D- I forgot the rest. Is Bill genuinely seen as a threat? And, is he the only person to have escaped the Theraprism? If so, how did this effect those views of him?

D-SM5—it's the same guy that wrote the "sorry our patient's been writing to you lol" letter at the end of TBOB. (And it's named after the DSM-5.)

I imagine that the guy who destroyed a dimension, ruled a trillion years over the hollow not-dimension at the center of all reality into which all lost thing fall, and nearly destroyed a second dimension is genuinely seen as a threat—but they think they've securely contained the threat, so at the moment he's regarded as an Extreme Nuisance. Definitely the most difficult, frustrating, and high-profile patient they currently have.

I have no idea if anyone else has escaped the Theraprism. That seems like the common trope doesn't it, blah blah blah "no one has ever escaped before!" "well i'm gonna prove them wrong!" but that rings hollow to me. I'd say it's more likely that it's NEARLY inescapable, and every previous way somebody escaped has been fixed so they can't be reused.

[jalenay]

Nothing's Wrong with Dale - Publishing Update May 4 2024

So my work work is starting to relax - it'll be 'normal' working hours after May 15, but i'm manifesting some early additional free time (by ignoring some of the things i still have left to do) and i thought i'd give an update on my current NWWD plan to fill you guys in (if anyone wants to know) and to motivate myself to, you know, do it.

let me know what you think and if you have any questions! or if there's anything else you want to know!

So the overall plan is as follows:

First Rough Edit - this is basically just changing the POV from 2nd POV to 3rd POV. This is very tedious and currently what I'm doing right now. I'm also making a list as I go for high level updates/changes i want to make. Just thinking about the story as a whole and what tweaks i want to make now that the whole thing is finally done (primarily moving exposition around, if there's anything extra i can remove, timing of when certain things are discussed, and so on).

My Main Edit - this will be more time consuming but probably more fun as i do my main revise and edit of the story as a whole. i'll likely print the entire story out, make edits on hard copy, and then type up all the edits. I will also probably be sending the updated chapters to my main beta, for her opinion. (this would be the person i first texted about Dale in Dec 2021, she deserves first look lol)

Editor - After I'm happy with what I've done, i'll send the entire thing over to my editors, the main ones who worked on DSM. This will likely take a good amount of time (DSM took one month) but in many ways involves less effort from me lol. Just nerves.

Cover, Self-publishing Details - while my editors have the manuscript, I'll be narrowing down what I want the cover to look like and hiring a cover artist. (i've got a short list of artists right now, but i'll probably continue to refine that). I'm bad a visualizing covers and so this will be hard for me, although i have some basic ideas. i'll need to gather reference photos too and then work with the artist. I also want to publish more widely than just Amazon and will hopefully get DSM out to other places as well as a test run before NWWD. Look into more marketing? This is the most miscellaneous of the steps.

Process Edits - actually go through all the edits and notes given to me by my editor. This takes a lot of time (and is mentally taxing - no one likes to read pages of people telling you what you need to fix about what you wrote even if its overall extremely helpful and necessary)

Finalizing - I'll send the edited version to my first beta and another ARC reader/friend. I'll work on the formatting for the book. Coordinating where it will be published and when.

Publishing!

This is a loose list of steps that I mostly defined right now, but are similar to what i did with DSM. As i said, I'm in step one, currently just finished Chapter 25 of 36 of that rough edit.

I'll try to provide some updates on the process at it moves along, if people are interested in hearing about that. I'll most likely keep those updates on this blog, along with any other publishing specific commentary. if any one has any questions or thoughts on the whole thing, please feel free to send them to this blog or comment on this post.

I'm very excited to really dig into publishing NWWD and looking forward to sharing it with you!

Thanks to everyone for all their support - I wouldn't even be considering this (i probably wouldn't have even had a finished draft) with you!

[lord-of-the-margins]

Recent thoughts on Transgenderism

Tumblr, I think it’s time we approach the gender talk.

I’ve been very angry at liberals since about 2022. Before that (2019-2021) I was terrified of them. I grew up as a liberal in a very liberal area. I knew one moderate conservative. All I’ve known is liberal perspectives and ideologies for most of my life. I went to Evergreen State college for years (super senior). I lived in the epicenter of woke.

I’m not going to be a liberal ever again. Being around a lot of liberals, like in a city, makes me nervous. That’s how bad things have been in my little world. All the bridges have been burnt and every knife has somehow found its way into my back. I’ve since taken them out and re-calibrated my expectations.

Still, I have gender issues. They’ve gotten a lot better. And gender shit is still consuming society for no real reason other than to spread misery it seems.

Because of how horrifically poorly liberal society handles the issue of transsexualism and transgenderism, I’m scared to share the new insights I’ve made regarding gender dysphoria. The way the left fetishizes and commodifies mental illness is truly disturbing. The teenage impulse to commandeer and mimic mental illness for attention is never discouraged at any point. Not even in fully grown adults.

If I tell you what I’ve discovered, I’m afraid you will destroy yet another portion of the DSM in a misguided attempt to validate me. It is not validating. You are harming people. I needed the DSM to figure out what was happening. I needed psychologists to push back on my impulses. I’m glad they did. They can no longer do so without fear of being slandered as transphobic.

I look at the work you’ve done on behalf of the trans community and it reads as a collection of demons trying their best to fix society.

So yeah.

I like Tumblr for reasons other than politics. I don’t really want to talk about politics on here all that much. But this national gender dysphoria the younger generations all seem to have is hard to ignore. It can also be offensive. I’ve felt as offended by Zoomers and Alphas trying to be inclusive as I did from Gen X trying to hurt my feelings. So that’s been a fun little discovery I’ve made about myself and the world. Maybe you just can’t escape it. It’s part of life either way. And if you’re fucking around with gender, it’s inevitable. Maybe constant offense needs to happen just to make this demented form of self-expression that less attractive. Because a trans identity is not an attractive endeavor. It doesn’t make for attractive men and women. If you must do it, you need a thick skin just to look at yourself in the mirror let alone to hear what anyone else has to say about it. It’s signing up for a lifetime of disappointment and can only be explained through mental illness.

To conclude, what I found behind the mental illness was even more mental illness. Given liberals’ inclination to celebrate, imitate, and capitalize on mental illness, I don’t think it would be wise for me to tell you about what I did to make the pain of gender dysphoria go away.

What I will tell you is that I had to recognize that I suffered incredible abuse growing up. Truly exceptional abuse. I’ve been studying books on the matter on and off for about four years now. I had to learn a lot of new things and it was very overwhelming at first. It changed how I saw myself and even how I view reality. It’s been quite a journey.

None of the resources I used were made by anyone in the trans community. None whatsoever. All the people who helped me wrote their books in saner times. Your big gay trans social justice movement didn’t help me one bit. Just like feminism has never really helped me personally. Because exceptional people don’t need a parade to get their foot in the door.

Whenever I get close to woke people, I get nervous. I’ve gotten better at sensing that malevolent energy. Since I grew up with it, it took some time to suss it out. It took a massive fuck up, followed up with sticking to my convictions, to feel about fifty knives in my back before it finally sank in.

A lot of damage has been done and yet there are people under the left’s banner I could still care for. People who make uplifting art that has truly helped me. If I hadn’t found them, I wouldn’t have bothered writing this. So I guess this is for the innocent, the clueless, the kind.

I would only consider seriously talking about gender dysphoria with the public if and only if the DSM once again recognizes transsexualism and transgenderism as mental illnesses and the American Psychological Association allows its practitioners to discourage transitioning.

[circular-bircular]

“You can have DID without trauma!”

Vent art. Mod “Armageddon.” Tw for COCSA and general abuse.

You are a system. You have DID. You do not know this.

You go through 15 years, not knowing this — just existing in a haze, having such a bright childhood, one you grasp for later in the dark moments, trying desperately to hold onto it.

At 15, you realize, wait. I think something’s wrong. You realize you don’t feel like “yourself” — and even more alarming, you don’t know who “you” even are. You hear voices, suddenly, in your head. You find notes you clearly wrote, but it’s someone else’s handwriting, someone else’s words to “you.”

You just need to figure out who “you” is.

You go to your sexual abuser abusive romantic partner best friend because your abusive neglectful overbearing parents would never understand, or might be too worried about you. You ask them, “What’s wrong with me? I’m scared. I’m confused. I feel like I’m going to die.”

They smile. They want you, they need you to stay, and to stay you can’t be scared. “Don’t worry — that’s normal.”

You sigh in relief. Thank goodness. You’re fine. You’re okay. Nothing is wrong. The voices are just normal things everyone else experiences. The fun imaginative things in my head are normal. The fighting, screaming, sobbing, fear, need to run, need to love, need to help everyone while fully believing you’re about to get hit, or touched, or watched, always watched—

Don’t worry. That’s normal.

You are a system. You have DID. You do not know this.

You are 19. You’re not sure when that happened — isn’t time silly that way? You are normal. You were a bit “quirky” and “cringy” in high school, roleplaying a lot. You do not remember the voices in your head. You do not remember their names. You do not remember two entire years of high school, and you do not remember that you have forgotten.

You see a student presentation in class about a story, and how the main character could be read as having dissociative identity disorder. “The symptoms come from childhood trauma,” the student says, “but people don’t always remember their trauma.”

She describes the symptoms. You feel… weird. Why does that sound so familiar? So normal? You laugh a little and look around, expecting everyone else to be rolling their eyes at such an obvious observation. How ridiculous of psychologists to diagnose a very normal thing, right? But everyone else is nodding along, very interested, and the professor praises the student for her psychological lens, and “valuable research gathering on a rare disorder.”

You don’t remember going to your dorm, or the test you took that day online. The next thing you remember is not being “you” anymore, because “you” is locked in a room in your mind, and now you’re someone else, sobbing at the website you’ve pulled up. It’s about dissociative identity disorder.

You’re not you. You’re someone else.

You go to your best friend. You tell them everything at 4am, sobbing because you don’t know what to do anymore, and you’re scared, because you don’t know who you are.

“You’re not crazy. This isn’t normal, but you aren’t crazy. I believe you.”

You breathe for the first time in years months weeks days.

You are 19. You have DID. You think.

There’s only one problem; you don’t have trauma. You do. It’s there. They hurt you so much, you idiot, why can’t you hear the voices screaming that at you? So what on earth are you experiencing?

You try to research it. All you have is a DSM-III and resources on multiple personality disorder. And, of course, tumblr — your home away from home.

You find a war happening. People with trauma versus people who say they have none. They all seem to hear voices, and many are angry and struggling and confused, just like you. You must be like these “plurals” you’ve seen. The ones without trauma but with DID. That’s not what that was, and you know that now, but it’s was so hard to tell back then.

You join them. “I have DID,” you say, “but I don’t have trauma.”

“That’s okay!” They tell you. “You can have DID without trauma.”

What a relief. You’re normal. You’re fine. You’re not like those anti-endos, you’re told. “They medicalize their systems,” you’re told, “and their therapists are abusing them.” You feel so bad for those poor systems. They’re not like you; you’re fine. You’re normal. Unlike them.

You try to avoid the traumatized ones, but you see so many of them getting angry. They keep yelling about these people who don’t have trauma, who are “appropriating a disorder” — that same disorder you clearly have, but you don’t have trauma.

You crash your car while dissociating so hard that you hallucinate your parts headmates around you. And you are happy, because at least you have a family to take care of you. Isn't it so nice to see your parts headmates in real life?

You're normal. It's okay. You don't have trauma. You don't need trauma to be a system, and you love being a system. No you DON'T, the parts scream, you're dreaming! Wake up! Wake up, please, god, don't let that woman hug you, don't you know what she did--

You keep moving on.

Then you see the arguments that spark something in you. “You need trauma, but the age range is wider than you’d think.”

Your sexual abuser abusive romantic partner best friend from high school. There’d been that time you fell out with her. That time you blew up at her because she’d kissed you in public, blamed you for teasing her too much. You realize how little you remember.

What else have you forgotten?

“I have trauma but it’s well past the age range,” you say to an anti-endo, knowing you shouldn't have spoken to them, because everyone tells you not to -- but none of them are traumatized, and this person is. “What’s wrong with people having this disorder without trauma?”

“There’s decades of research on this,” you’re told. “It sounds like you do have trauma. Consider that you might have some you don’t remember. Otherwise, you don’t have DID.”

You are 19. You have DID, you know it. You ignore this person. “These other people told me I don’t need trauma. You’re just gatekeeping. You’re just wrong. I’m not traumatized. I’m not like you. I’m better.”

You go to the ones who comforted you, listened to you, manipulated you. "I have trauma, I think, but it's past the age those anti-endos talk about, how ridiculous are they?"

"I'm so proud of you for standing up to those sysmeds! A lot of us have been traumatized because of how people treat our system. I'm sorry those anti-endos traumatized you."

"Well, it wasn't them -- but you're right. Anti-endos are traumatizing. They've traumatized me."

You believe the lie you spread, because they spread it first, and it sounds right. You do not mention that you learned you were sexually assaulted by a peer as a child. That would just be trauma dumping, and that would make you no better than a sysmed.

You are 19. You’re “cured” of your DID, because the plurals around you say that if you like your system, you don’t have DID. They say if you can’t remember your trauma, you probably don’t have any, and “most DID is caused by trauma, you just might be a disordered plural.” They call you endogenic, or mixed-origin, or autigenic. Trying to suggest you have DID leads to them talking about those horrible traumatized systems DID systems disordered systems anti-endos.

“You can’t listen to them. You can’t reblog from them. They’re homophobic, racist, transphobic, bigoted, ableist, wrong. Any information they share is ableist.”

You listen. You always have. You roll your eyes good naturedly at them suggesting you don't have trauma -- they just meant your system isn't caused by trauma. They just misspoke. That's all.

... But what if they're right?

You are 20. You are a ????? system. You say you have DID, because you are disordered and fit all of the criteria, and you can have DID without trauma. Maybe you are just plural?

You start getting into fights with systems online. You spread misinformation your experiences. Anyone who disagrees with you is an ableist gatekeeper. You get fakeclaimed and it hurts. Now you are traumatized by anti-endos. You try to avoid them more, falling deeper into those circles that include everyone, including you. They must love you. They love everyone.

You see a post about trauma. You realize, slowly, so so slowly, your parents have hurt you. You remember everything. No??? You remember so little, the voices scream, sob, you can’t remember it because you’re not even trying to. Why bother trying when you can live in denial, and keep getting abused each time you go home, and keep getting hurt worse and worse every single weekend?

You are 20. You are a DID system. You have trauma. You know some of it.

You go to your manipulators harassers friends. “I figured it out! My system was formed my trauma!"

“Oh, you poor soul, who told you that?”

You feel cold. “What?”

“Those awful anti-endos fakeclaiming you-“

You feel isolated. “No?”

“You can’t listen to them. You’re autigenic. You’re being manipulated. You don’t have trauma.”

���My parents-“

“They love you, that’s not abuse. They were rich, that’s not abuse. They only yelled at you, that’s not abuse. You aren’t traumatized — don’t let the anti-endos convince you that you are.”

You are desperate. “But my DID!”

They frown at you. “You don’t need trauma to have DID. Saying otherwise makes you a sysmed."

You leave your friends. They weren’t friends at all.

You isolate. You have nobody. You made it clear that you would not speak to the filth anti-endos traumatized systems like yourself. You have nobody left to talk about your trauma with.

You are 21. You are a traumatized DID system. You only have your partner and in real life friends. Your abusers force you to drink on your birthday, and come into your safe space. You have nightmares for weeks.

Then you’re 22 and you are stuck with your abusers. You can see their faces now. You know the truth. You feel sick.

You are 23. 24. 25. You find new circles. You've researched trauma more, not nearly enough. You briefly become anti-endo, frustrated as you see more and more people hurt like you were, frustrated that the pro-endo spaces do not have any resources for those like you. Then you mellow, you try to divorce your trauma from your experience online. You try to find places to spread research and knowledge, to be traumatized and have people recognize what that means.

You are attacked for being traumatized, because this space has never been safe for trauma victims. You remember how you used to think when you were 19. You remember how you felt when you were left all alone. You try to keep the doors open, but it's so so hard, and you have to take care of yourself too. But you try. God, you try to help others.

You are 26.

You are in so many circles — endogenic, plural, CDD, traumatic, traumagenic, it doesn’t matter. You have so many people.

You see people telling others, “You don’t need trauma to have DID!” You take a deep breath and follow what your disgusting medicalist inclusive and welcoming therapist has taught you about stopping spirals. You try not to say anything deep at first, because you’re clearly triggered, and recent lessons have taught you more that you need can’t be traumatized online without getting hurt badly.

But you see people denying their trauma. Saying, “I don’t remember any trauma, and even if I did have trauma, I don’t feel like I do."

You remember being that way. You remember not remembering. You remember how your parents sexually abused you, now, even after you thought you’d remembered it all. You remember how your parents hit you and neglected you alongside their overbearing lack of boundary keeping. You remember how you convinced yourself it wasn’t trauma.

You remember how you went back, for years, because of what people said.

You could have left at 19. You had the chance. The options. The doors to freedom were wide open, and you did not step out, because you thought your cage was already freedom.

How much sooner could you have been free if you had simply acknowledged you had trauma, and it had been made clear that it was okay to have trauma? That it would be safe to leave? That you deserved to be able to leave?

You do research. You've done research. You try to find proof of endogenic -- of non-trauma -- DID. You find fakeclaiming. You find people misinterpreting statistics, or even flat out lying about statistics. You find decades, even centuries of research, in the attempt to figure out what's happening. You even resort to literary analysis, because at least you might be able to find evidence of people discussing non-trauma DID as a legitimate scientific thing while psychoanalysing old texts -- just like back at 19, back in college, back when you first heard what DID was.

You find nothing.

You try to share your experiences still. You try to explain in more private spaces, spaces where there can't be anonymous hatred flung your way -- or worse, people who have determined that you are an enemy that must be defeated taking each word you say and twisting it to demonize you -- and you watch in horror as they remember.

"That's trauma?"

"That's disordered?"

"I've never heard of this before."

"I thought I was endogenic. I thought I didn't have trauma."

They're fine. They struggle -- but trauma is a struggle -- and more importantly, they now know what resources to even aim for. They know where to look. They know what can help.

You wish you'd known that.

And you will never, ever stop being bitter about the years those people took from you. You will never forgive them for their fakeclaiming. You will never forgive them for the years you spent being abused more.

But it's okay.

It's normal.

And isn't it better to be inclusive of that very slim amount of people who, despite all evidence to the contrary, and despite all of Occam's understandings, and despite the harm that inclusiveness does to those who are suffering, just have DID without any of that pesky, disgusting trauma?

What do I know? I'm just a filthy sysmed.

[boxofthings]

I constantly think about how 09 Soap must've felt losing Roach on a mission he didn't accompany him on.

His journal entries made it clear that he cared about Roach, talking about wanting to break him in and feeling more comfortable with mentoring Roach than Price was when mentoring Soap.

Not to mention how he spoke about how he saw himself in Roach, noting how he was "raw, skilled and loyal to a fault" (and this was after one mission together) and wrote down how Roach was a quick learner, good at the snowmobile and at C4 detonation (this guy was totally pining)

the 09 timeline in general is SO angsty, the tone overall was just sm grittier and you could feel the stakes of every mission. So just think about all the close calls Roach has gotten himself in, dude got his name for a reason and Soap had to experience first hand on multiple occasions why that is (so just think about how terrified he constantly is, having to watch someone you care about get hurt so often and just barely escape death)

Might be misremembering things but I'm pretty sure on every mission we go on, Roach is always accompanied by Soap, which makes it all the more gutwrenching that the one time they're split up is the moment where Roach's life is taken. Devastating :')

I always think about the radio calls right after Loose Ends, where Soap keeps yelling for Roach and Ghost to answer, only to stop once Price yells that they're dead. He must've been so desperate to hear at least one of them confirm that they were alive, only to be met with silence.

Think about Hornet's Nest from his perspective, watching Roach fall behind and being so close to catching him but not quite being quick enough. Soap was probably terrified at the thought of having to leave Roach behind and having to watch him run for his life while guiding him from the safety of the carrier. The pure, unadulterated fear and anger afterwards must've been so potent. I'm imagining the hug afterwards, but also the yelling, probably just him calling Roach an idiot and just how many times are you going to miss a jump before it kills you??

His heart must've dropped the moment he realized Shepherd had turned against them, and Roach was heading directly to him with the DSM, miles away from Soap's location. He wasn't even able to say goodbye. And reading his journal entry right before they go after Shepherd makes me unwell lol

Anyways yeah :') no one talks about 09 soaproach enough. They make me so upset it's insane.

[echthr0s]

also, like... I personally think the reason there's a lot of AuDHD people is because... the whole thing is kind of one big Venn diagram. like the spectrum should probably be an AuDHD spectrum and not just two separate things. I think this is both nature (the baseline presentation of symptoms/traits) and nurture (or uh. lack of nurture; people with ADHD tend to get traumatised by caregivers, society, etc in very similar ways that autistic people do -- so a lot of our trauma-response traits are similar)

but like, you say things like that and people think you're trying to invalidate one or the other as a discrete Thing and like... I understand that people get really attached to these psychological schemas but at one point someone invented them. they're not carved in stone by the finger of God and handed down from the mountaintop as infallible truths about our bodies. hell, at one point Asperger's was a thing, remember that. a lot of people were upset that their label was retired from use, because they thought of themselves as aspies and not autistic people, but like... that's all just fluff. your symptoms and traits and whatnot didn't just magically turn into something else. they always were what they were! the DSM is not the creator of you!

anyway. ANYWAY! what I was going to say was that "I don't have ADHD" is kind of a nothingburger of a statement because if I'm autistic then I'm already in the Venn diagram that is The Spectrum of AuDHD, and I will naturally share traits with others under that spectrum, even if they're considered "strictly ADHD". I feel like our cognition in particular is wired similarly -- I have very little trouble following the thought patterns of people with ADHD or comprehending why they do x or y or z, even in the case of competing access needs ("it's annoying/stressful/whatever, but I get it"). so all things considered, why wouldn't stims also affect me similarly to ADHD people, even if it isn't a 1:1 exact replica of experience

tbh once you remind yourself that The DSM Is A Book Some Guys Wrote (that's a reductive conclusion for the purposes of brevity but I trust that the reader can fill in the nuances themselves), a lot of other shit in the psychological house of cards starts to fall apart too

[sophieinwonderland]

hey sophie. there's been a lot of sysmeds fakeclaiming my mutual @/snowchester-system for being a RAMCOA survivor and pro-endo. i thought sysmeds liked dx'd survivors

I got this ask over a week ago. I wrote up this draft the same day but I held off on posting it. Snowchester has now been revealed to be an anti-endo bait account organized by a former r/systemscringe member.

This isn't at all surprising to me.

Below is what I wrote at the time but never posted:

----------

I'm sorry. I'm not going to be weighing in on this.

As much as I want to stand by survivors in general, that account hasn't been up to two weeks and I'm seeing more red flags than a Soviet parade.

I would be suspicious of the claim to be diagnosed with ASPD at 15 when it's in the diagnostic criteria that you can't be diagnosed if you're under 18.

They claim that this is because their team decided they were a special case... but does that happen? Do doctors just decide to flat out ignore the criteria for a disorder in the DSM and diagnose it anyway even when the criteria isn't met? Because I've never heard of this happening.

The reason you don't diagnose certain disorders in minors is because symptoms of personality disorders could be things you grow out of. And especially if you're talking about someone who was literally just removed from a traumatizing situation, any rational person would realize that's likely to contribute to their behavior. The RAMCOA history should never be a reason to say "this is actually a super special case and we need to fast track their ASPD diagnosis." It should be a sign that you need to slow down and give them time away from their abusers to actually grow and process their trauma before diagnosing them with a lifelong personality disorder.

But fine, doctors are human, and humans are fallible. Maybe they shouldn't ignore a disorder's diagnostic criteria but I suppose it's technically possible they did anyway and diagnosed this when they shouldn't. Concerningly though, the user claims their "team" decided this, meaning multiple doctors were in on this bad decision.

I also find the mention of being diagnosed with "highly complex dissociative identity disorder" to be a bit suspicious as well since that's not a medical term. But again, let's say it's fallible doctors. It's technically possible they picked up a community term and just ran with it.

I mean, "multiple personality disorder" was never in the DSM, but it was commonly called that by doctors. (It was just called "multiple personality" in the DSM. Calling it "multiple personality disorder" created the weird misconception that it was a personality disorder when it was always categorized as a dissociative disorder. And I will find any excuse to mention this that I can because it's my favorite piece of DID trivia.) So yeah, technically possible.

Meanwhile, they're in the US witness protection program in Mexico. Something which, I suppose, could happen in the absolute most extreme cases if the feds decided nowhere was safe in the US, but is pretty difficult to setup since it involves cooperation between multiple nations now. Which is why witness protection doesn't usually relocate to other countries.

The fact that they're confessing to being in witness protection means they're already ignoring witness protection guidelines. Yeah, even if you are on an anonymous account, do you really think a dedicated hacker couldn't find a way to track you down?

What's worse is them mentioning that they're in contact with some of the other kids from the same cult, because THEY REALLY SHOULDN'T BE! Especially if this is an organization that is so sprawling and dangerous that Witness Protection moved them to another country, something which Witness Protection wouldn't normally do.

And at this point, I'd kind of prefer if they were lying. Because either they've made everything up... Or they are violating their witness protection deal and endangering not just their own life, but the lives of the other survivors they've kept in contact with. Because if somebody did track them down, they could then access their other social media accounts to track down the others.

----------

So that was the end of my draft as it was written. (The only edits I made being to add emphasis to certain words and correct grammar.)

I wonder if I did the right thing by not posting it. If I had, I might have been able to keep people from buying into very blatant lies.

But... I was concerned about the 1% chance.

What if they weren't lying? What if this was a real person who just happened to have literally the worst doctors in the world who blatantly ignored the diagnostic criteria of their patient? Who diagnosed them with disorders that were community-made terms? What if Snowchester really was just that stupid as to reach out to the other children from their cult? Because let's face it... kids can be really stupid sometimes.

Maybe the reason the story sounded so unbelievable wasn't because it wasn't true, but because literally everyone involved was just that unbelievably stupid and incompetent. It could happen. Sometimes in life, you run into people, even those with medical degrees and those that should be professional, who commit malpractice or are ignorant of things they shouldn't be.

So I held off, not wanting to risk fakeclaiming someone who could be telling the truth, however incredibly slim the possibility was.

Now, the problem with liars is that it can be incredibly hard to take anything they say seriously.

They claim that they organized this with u/Pomme-Pomme, the former owner of r/systemscringe. Is this true? I have no idea. It seems impossible to tell for certain. This could be yet another lie to cause infighting in r/systemscringe, since Snowchester seems to just be in it to create chaos.

But if they are telling the truth now, I just want to take a moment to comment on how hilarious the reasoning is for them going rogue from that group!

Hun, if you believe RAMCOA is an antisemitic conspiracy theory... why were you citing the ISSTD?

You do realize they're the group responsible for the so-called conspiracy theory, right?

If this is true, this is such an epic r/leopardsatemyface moment. Of course there was a falling out from you citing the group of doctor that you people have been demonizing and painting as conspiracy theorists the last year!!! How are you surprised by this???????

Anyway, this just leaves me with one final question for the anon. A question I've had in the back of my mind for the past week.

Was this you, Snowchester?

Because it feels like you. Or maybe someone from the same group.

On the off chance this was just a random person fooled by Snowchester, I'm sorry it turned out how it did...

But this ask just feels like an attempt at baiting me into this conflict.

And if it was... were you disappointed when I didn't respond?

You should know that I've ran my own anti-endo parody blog and have infiltrated an r/systemscringe Discord server. If you confused my willingness to give the benefit of the doubt with gullibility and picked me for an easy mark, I'm sorry to inform you that you've sorely misjudged me.

[cheesecake-the-chicken]

i’m actually SO mad i think i deleted my post instead of posting it 😭😭😭

i had an anon ask what i did when questioning if i’m a system since they believe they might be. i’m so sorry for accidentally deleting your ask, i hope you see this!

basically i knew from therapy that i had some “identity fragmenting” due to trauma-caused dissociation (even though i kept trying to insist i wasn’t plural 😭) i knew i wasn’t a full-fledged system like my friends with DID, but things weren’t like how they were before. all i had for my google searches was then “trauma dissociation identity fragmenting help” 😭

then i found pluralpedia and looked through a bunch of random pages/terms until i found median and i was like GUYS!! THEY WROTE THIS ABOUT US!!!!

from there i had a better keyword for research. obviously don’t use tumblr as a dsm-5 and take everything online with a grain of salt, but hearing experiences and advice from others really helped. this is something more specific to me but i also researched the theory of structural dissociation to help me better understand things:

https://www.nataliarachel.com/trauma/trauma-and-fragmentation#:~:text=When%20a%20person%20experiences%20severe,space%20for%20expression%20is%20provided.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4579498/#:~:text=Patients%20with%20structural%20dissociation%20of,concepts%20of%20self%20and%20relationships.

as for personal experience, i can’t share too much of that but i was very generously given advice/experience similar to mine here!:

i know this stuff can be really scary and overwhelming, take things as slow as you need to! it’s not a race and everyone’s experience really is different. it was super brave and cool of you to submit an ask, and i wish you luck in figuring things out. take care!!

[detentiontrack]

Current vocal stims on rotation:

- delivery for wartwood delivery today 💥💥💥 delivery for wartwood delivery delayed (amphibia)

- I’m very busy hop pop 🤬🤬 (amphibia)

- SHHH joy 👌 (inside out 2)

- “what do you think sadness?” “I-“ “AWESOME!!” (Inside out 2)

- orange? Who made the console orange? (Inside out 2)

- she __ on my ___ until I __ (any variation of this. Literally anything. Today I said “she tomato on my soup until I grilled cheese” while making dinner)

- differential diagnoses (in a silly voice) (DSM-5-TR)

- yippee!! (Autism creature)

- yip yap!!! (From an inside out 2 fanart)

- Joy…. Are we making Riley gay? (From a fanfic I wrote)

- sounds like a birthday party to me! (Idek)

- “ask me if I care” “do you care?” “Yes”

- can I get acrylics? (Idk)

- no one loves Sage 💔😭 (when someone says anything even mildly disagreeing with me or if someone doesn’t hear something I say)

- did you know that… (followed by a complete lie)

- I love lying (I do)

- do you think they ever……. (Referring to gay sex about any two characters)

- I am a wild robot (a random line from a movie theatre preview)

[jadetheblueartist]

hey :) how did you know and/or find out you were autistic?

Thanks for the question, anon!

Now, some of this stuff may not be relevant, but I’ll just take you through it anyway (in case we are the exact same person or something hahaha).

The very first time I ever really heard of autism was several years ago when I was talking to my mom about something that happened in my brain. I was like, “Yeah, so when I think of the number seven, I see green.” And she was like “Oh, really?” and then went on little thing about how she was pretty sure this was a symptom of something that geniuses had (I now know she was literally referencing synesthesia [“when your brain routes sensory information through multiple unrelated senses, causing you to experience more than one sense simultaneously” -Cleveland Clinic] and Sheldon Cooper hahaha). While I believe there is a correlation with synesthesia and autism, synesthesia is not part of the diagnostic material and would not be used as “evidence.”

The next thing was about a year ago. I was on Pinterest taking random quizzes, as you do, and I stumbled upon an autism quiz. So I, not really knowing what autism was, was like ooh yay another quiz. So I took it and it said I had moderate autistic traits. So I was like oh interesting and told my therapist this. Therapist was like, “ummmm okay maybe… but that is a single random quiz from Pinterest. It’s probably just social anxiety.” So I was like oh yeah okay and then moved on.

A few months after that, I was on Pinterest again and scrolling through some My Hero Academia stuff when I saw this list of reasons why they headcanonned Midoriya as autistic. So I was like, “Um. That’s what autism is? That just kinda sounds like me…” so I saved it because it was cool and scrolled down to related pins. Then I found a list as to why that person headcannoned Aoyama as autistic. So again, I read through and was like “… guys this is just me.” That is what sprung the deep dive. For the next several days I did literally nothing but watch all of the videos I could find of autistic people explaining their experiences, traits of autism, autistic masking, video essays of why rottmnt donnie is great autism representation, etc. I simultaneously wrote down every single thing I related to on a massive list. Then I got to my next therapy session. I spent the whole hour presenting as much of the information I could, and by the end, Therapist was like “hmmm, well I don’t really do diagnoses so I’m not super familiar with this. But we can go over the DSM-5 breakdown next week if you want.” So I was like, yes of course, and began prepping more.

In that week, I did some reflecting on my childhood and asking my family about my childhood (since I don’t have too many memories). Then I made a list of all of the childhood things that could be autistic traits (example: I spent all of my weekends researching ancient Egyptian Pharaoh Tutankhamen, lining up all of my brothers action figures for hours, I couldn’t stand the feeling of a super soft blanket on my hands or feet, etc). (Also at this time, I told my best friend about it and she was like “hahaha what do you mean? You’re too smart for that” so you can be autistic and have good grades? You can also be autistic and have bad grades bc they are not mutually exclusive :D anyway back to the main chunk) Icame back to therapy prepared and ready to go and we went through the criteria. At the end, therapist was like, “I can’t diagnose you, however, you do fit all of the diagnostic criteria” and I was like “ahhhh sick I knew it.”

So then I was like “Hey, Mom and Dad, I’m almost 100% percent sure I am autistic but I would like to get an official diagnosis. What do you think about that?” I wanted a diagnosis mainly to combat the gosh darn imposter syndrome (it kind of helps but the imposter syndrome is still there!! Ahhhhhh /lh) And since neither of them had any actual clue about autism, they were confused and not sure about it. I got them to agree by appealing to their practical side and said an official diagnosis could help me get job accommodations if I needed it. Plus it’s a lot easier to do it before you become an adult, so I should figure it out soon. Eventually they agreed and we got the ball rolling.

I was super excited bc everything said that the whole diagnosis process generally takes up to two years, but our doctor got us an appointment in a few weeks. Come to find out, he was just making sure we had any sort of valid reason so he could refer us somewhere to get the diagnosis. That was a bit of a bummer but it was still chill. We eventually got an appointment with this one place that actually diagnosed and again I was excited.

We went in for the initial appointment to figure out scheduling bc I had to do a few different appointments in total. The lady that would be administering the testing was about to leave that practice in a few months though (this was in November and she was leaving at the end of December). But she said she wanted to get it done herself so she just got us in quickly. We also somehow managed to finish what should’ve been a few hours long testing in an hour so I guess I’m just really good at autism hahaha (it’s probably bc we did the paperwork tests outside of the appointment).

Then in early January (she had already left by then but gave the report to someone else) we got the results, and I got my official autism diagnosis. It was a good day ^^

So yeah that’s basically my whole story. If you wanted me to go more into detail with anything like a DSM-5 criteria breakdown or something I would be more than happy to :))))) autism is a special interest of mine, after all.

This was really fun, Anon! Thanks so much for the ask and feel free to ask anything else you are curious about ^^

[bottledpillz]

Y'know what's absolutely crazy? Healthcare professionals that don't take your fears and worries about YOUR health seriously.

I've had Healthcare 'professionals' close the door and laugh at me behind a fucking door. They saw my scars. They knew my history. And yet they called me an attention seeker and just another one of those people who will get out of it. They said I'll learn. Learn what? Not to trust people in your field anymore? Well don't worry, I learned that real fucking well, thanks.

Not just physical health care people but mental health care people as well. Have you had to plead for a diagnosis before? I have and i dont recommended it. I took over an hour of my school time, before a therapy appointment next door. (my school was in a mall don't ask why idk either) I wrote all the symptoms that I relate to in the DSM-5 with autism. Later, I give it to my therapist after I get a teacher to print out multiple copies for me. I find out my therapist gave it to my psychologist, like I asked, but she threw it out. Did I ever get the diagnosis? No. I've gone years thinking I'm autistic, not just someone with bpd or anxiety and depression and what have you. And no one did anything. Again. She, along with other doctors, told me that I don't need to focus on that. That I 'have a bpd diagnosis. What's another diagnosis gonna do for me? Make it worse for me to get hired. That's all' it's crazy how she thought she was looking out for me. When all she did was make it worse.

Found out I'm the host of a system through my own research and what not. The rest of the alters slowly revealed themselves after I figured it out. Elias wanted to protect what I had left of me.. he wanted to make sure I found out on my own and at my own pace (Elias is the protector of the system). It would've been great if the doctors took me seriously when I brought it up the first few times though. Dismissing me for being paranoid and it's just the bpd hallucinations again.

There's more to our long, convoluted, twisty road of a story. But all in all I guess I needed to get off my chest how I feel about people like them.

People call them health care professionals. 'They're just People who have a heart and want to help others, so it makes sense that they went into that field.' Haha that's wild. Cause I think if you wanted to help someone with their health you'd actually listen and try to get to the bottom of the problems. Not brush them off and aid in their suffering.

All that to say... haha wtf is up with the Healthcare system 🧍

[carpettmuncher]

20 questions for fic writers

thanks for the tag @kvothes :D answers under the cut

1. how many works do you have on ao3? 22!

2. what's your total ao3 word count? 95,931

3. what fandoms do you write for? supernatural. i have one rdr2 fic published and i privately write greys anatomy fic sometimes

4. top five fics by kudos: DSM-V, dawn breaks overhead, a confession; a misunderstanding, i hate you for what you did and i miss you like a little kid, he stares at the stars; they stare back. i find this so interesting because half of these are some of my least favorites lol

5. do you respond to comments? usually! sometimes i forget or don't have the time/energy, but every comment means a lot to me and i try to make it known

6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? i usually write fics with happy endings because it makes me happy lol. a lot of my endings are melancholy at best though. my claire study, i'm sorry i'm the one you love is definitely my saddest. needless to say i was going through it at the time of writing. also my entire divorce series which i totally forgot about even writing

7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? my first thought was divine intervention and it definitely is happy as a stand-alone fic, but with the context of timshel it's pretty bittersweet. so maybe timshel is the happiest ending? DSM-V is a pretty happy ending too. augh! hard to say

8. do you get hate on fics? i haven't gotten any so far!

9. do you write smut? sometimes, but i feel like it always comes out very awkward and wrong. writing lesbians has helped me fix that lol

10. craziest crossover? my abandoned grey's anatomy/supernatural au is sitting in my dusty google docs

11. have you ever had your fic stolen? not that i know of!

12. have you ever had a fic translated? nope!

13. have you ever co-written a fic before? no, but i think i'd be open to it depending on the idea and the author

14. all-time favorite ship? oh you know.

15. what's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will? my robot cas/engineer dean fic... abandoned in my docs

16. what are your writing strengths? i'd say dialogue! i think i'm pretty good at getting in a character's head, and i've been told i write good dean dialogue :)

17. what are your writing weaknesses? actions i'd say. not just fighting scenes but just... what a character is doing. i think i also write too fast-paced which i'd like to get better at

18. thoughts on dialogue in another language? i'm conversational in french but 1) don't write french characters and 2) find translating to be very clumsy. i sometimes translate small phrases into enochian when i write cas, but that too is always frustrating given it's not a real language. in general i often find other languages to be jarring in dialogue. i don't know how to describe it other than it just feeling very forced.

19. favorite fic you've written? can i do top three? i'm doing top three. in no particular order

dead woman, enter stage left: this is one of my favorites plot-wise and just as a character study. though i enjoyed writing it and the ideas i had for it, i feel like i didn't portray everything the way i wanted to and could've done a better job. but i love this one! jo! and my own made-up amara lore!

DSM-V: another big struggle. fun fact i'm currently rewriting it completely. this is another fic where i had a lot of ideas but didn't give myself enough time to completely realize them, and it comes off very rushed and unnuanced. i also hate the way i handled dean's thoughts in the narrative. NO MORE RELYING ON ITALICS! it introduced me to some amazing mutuals and is my major hit, and i love it! it started as a crack fic and no, i still haven't told my therapist about it. amy if you're reading this i promise i don't have secret feelings for you i just thought this was a really funny idea and had just binge-watched fleabag

devotion: nothing much to say it's just hot and emotional and i love the way it came out

20. tagging: @dogearedheart @mythopoetry + anyone else who wants to do this!!! mutuals rise up i love you!

[pls-hold-me-im-justa-weeb]

How Law Treats Your Depression

Crossposted from my AO3 - https://archiveofourown.org/works/44915341 

TW’s: SH (not explicit detail, but talked about, and checking the healing of it), mentions of manipulation, depressive thoughts, symptoms of anxiety and depression.

I wrote this when I was goin through a rough patch. No romance exactly, just fluff. It makes me want to cry every time I read it so I’m sorry in advance if it makes you feel the same way.

The symptoms Law lists are from the DSM 5 and my own experiences. 

----

You raised your hand, shaking from anxious hesitation. The door seemed to loom in front of you, being an impenetrable shield to your glimmer of hope for a cure.

“Oh, are you going to see the captain?” said a voice behind you. You nearly jumped out of your skin, spinning around with your fist still raised. You calmed once you laid eyes on Bepo. You exhaled with a small smile.

“Uh… I... I think…  well, it can wait” you managed to get out, stumbling over your words. Bepo cocked his head.

“It’s okay, Come in with me. I just have a quick question and then you can talk to him.” His wide body was accidentally corralling you towards the door as he knocked twice.

“Come in” said a voice gravely with exhaustion. Bepo smiled at you and gestured for you to open the door. You gulped but followed his silent request. Will Law even help me? I’m not technically part of his crew. Still, he healed Luffy after Marineford. I’m part of the Strawhats and we’re allied but… your anxious thoughts garbled the mundane question and answer that occurred between Bepo and Law, and before you realized it, the bear was leaving the room with a small pat on your shoulder.

“So?” Law said, cocking an eyebrow at you. Your heart thudded.

“Uh… it… It’s not too big of a deal” you began, trying to scramble for words to voice your request.

“But you’re a doctor, right?” you asked. You cringed at the dumb question. This was why you proposed this whole internship in the first place! Sure, learning about the submarine would help your crew eventually somehow, but… you had to follow through on your real reason for coming here.

“Are you feeling okay?” Law asked. There was a tone of professionalism in his voice now, different than the regular voice he used as a captain.

“Yeah I’m fine!” you replied automatically with a forced smile. His brow furrowed.

“Then why do you need a doctor?” he prodded. You swallowed, looking down. Your heart thudded and your stomach dropped.

“If… If I tell you some hypothetical symptoms, would you be able to give m… uh… the patient, a cure?”

He leaned back in his chair, his hands steepled under his chin.

“Maybe. There may not be a cure exactly, but medicine or surgery could help. Or both” he said, shrugging. You didn’t like the gleam in his eye when he mentioned surgery.

“Oh” you muttered disappointedly. Law sighed and gestured to a seat.

“Sit. Tell me about the patient’s hypothetical symptoms.”

You sat stiffly in the chair, bouncing your leg nervously as you steadied your breath.

“Where should I start?” you asked, glancing at the captain. He hummed in thought.

“Start with the physical symptoms. Aching? Discomfort? Sweating? Redness? Exhaustion?” he rattled off easily. You furrowed your brow, thinking. Back to when your symptoms really acted up.

“Um… exhaustion for sure. They sleep a lot, and minor tasks seem to make them tired. Not like physically exerted, but just like they need a break mentally?”

“Any other physical symptoms?”

“Hmmm… does crying count?”

“From physical pain?”

“No… but sometimes it’s accompanied by a fast heartrate and hyperventilating. Oh, and a decreased appetite” you reported factually, gazing upwards as you thought. Law hummed.

“What about mental symptoms?”

“M-mental?” your heart dropped. This was the part you were worried about.

“Mental distress often leads to those physical symptoms.”

You held back a scoff. Mental distress? It’s not that big of a deal.

“Symptoms like what?” you asked quietly. You refused to look at the doctor.

“Low self esteem past the normal amount, feeling like a weight is holding you down, feeling worthless or guilty for things that aren’t your fault, decreased concentration, and loss of interest in things the patient used to like” he listed. He hesitated before he continued in the same even tone “thoughts of hurting themselves or others, and thoughts of killing themselves.”

You flinched at the last two. This guy really does not pull punches when it comes to medical stuff you thought with an internal shudder.

“It sounds way worse when you say it out loud” you muttered under your breath.

“I have a hunch this patient has a combination of two illnesses- depression and anxiety- which are very common together. Should I list the symptoms of anxiety, and you can tell me if it seems to fit?”

You sighed, but nodded.

“Worrying excessively about things and finding it difficult to control the worry, muscle tension, restlessness, easily mentally fatigued, mind going blank or difficulty concentrating, irritability, sleep disturbance…” he listed, trailing off.

“Basically, worry and stress that goes beyond the norms. So, like not about being embarrassed, or away from people, or during a panic attack. Of course, panic disorders are basically part of anxiety disorders and are just an intense episode of an accumulation of different symptoms, which you mentioned with the fast heartrate and hyperventilating. There’s also probably some other symptoms yo- uh- the patient doesn’t notice during the time, or doesn’t know it’s a symptom”

You tried to absorb the onslaught of information thrown your way. You rubbed your temples. Law seemed to notice your struggle.

“I know it’s a lot of information all at once” he said sympathetically. You sighed. There was only one question you had. You looked into the captain’s grey eyes.

“Is there a cure?”

The captain hesitated, but leaned forward in his chair, resting his elbows on his desk and met your gaze resolutely.

“No”

Your heart dropped, and your lungs constricted. Your throat burned as you fought back tears.

“There’s no cure, but there’s medicine that can help.”

“Right” you muttered as you stood. You had your answer. You needed to leave.

“Wait.”

You paused, hand on the door. You didn’t look back.

“What’s been done to treat it before? It’ll help me narrow down a more effective medicine.”

You huffed, hiding your distraught behind a veil of humor.

“Nothing. Been rawdoggin this bitch the way God intended” you said, keeping your voice light. You heard a snort behind you.

“I’ll give you what I use then. We’ll start with that.”

You froze. I’m not alone? He has it too? You turned slowly in shock. He met your gaze.

“If it doesn’t seem to work, call me, and we’ll try something different. Eventually if we exhaust all the medicine, there is a more radical solution. It’s for treatment resistant forms of depression.” You took a few steps toward him.

“Why do you call it an illness? Aren’t I just weak?”

A small, soft smile escaped Law’s lips as he looked at you in a rare moment of gentleness.

“No. You’re not weak. It has to do with chemicals in your brain. Doctors aren’t exactly sure what triggers it, and it’s usually triggered by different things in different people. But it’s a chemical imbalance that occurs, and the medicine is to help correct that balance. Of course, talking to people is also incredibly important. Have you talked to anyone in your crew about it?”

You shook your head absently, mystified that there was a real reason you felt this way.

“No. They don’t know. They might suspect, but I’ve never said anything. I couldn’t bring myself to tell sweet, innocent Chopper that I wanted to hurt myself on purpose” you said easily.

“Have you?”

You flinched at the question, wrapping your arms around your middle.

“Does it matter?”

“Yes”

You glared at him.

“A little” you finally muttered.

“How?”

“Does that matter?” you said defensively.

“As your doctor, yes” he said gently. You bit the inside of your lower lip to stop yourself from spouting venom. He’s not attacking you or demanding to know for selfish reasons. He needs to know. You took a deep breath and slunk over to your previous seat to collapse in it. You held your head in your hands.

“I try not to, you know. I resist for as long as possible until I finally can’t find any logic against not doing it” you say eventually.

“How do you do it?” he repeats, softly. You sigh, looking to the side. You tell him. The words just flow out, accompanying the tear tracks down your cheeks in a delicate dance of pain and regret. When you’re done explaining, he stands slowly, approaching you slowly.

“I’m going to check the healing of it. That’s all. I just want to be sure it’s healing properly so you don’t have further issues when you’re better” he said softly, holding out a hand. I wish it didn’t heal you thought before pushing the negativity away.

“You sound so sure I’m going to get better” you said as his hands delicately grazed over the area.

“You will. Maybe not cured, but better.” You hummed, welcoming the companionable silence. A thought occurred to you, and you snorted. Law stepped back and raised a brow.

“Something funny?”

“Isn’t it ironic that the so-called ‘Surgeon of Death’ is helping me with… this?” you said, waving your hand in the air as if to gesture to your mental state. He rolled his eyes.

“Yes, yes. Very funny” he said flatly.

“Well at least I’m that” you teased.

“You’re so much more than that. If you can’t see it, trust those around you to. They see you the same way you see the positives in others” Law said, holding your gaze. You stopped breathing, eyes widened with shock.

“What, have you never had anyone tell you that?” he asked, looking at your expression. He leaned back against his desk, halfway sitting on it as he crossed his arms. You could only shake your head as you remembered to breathe. He grunted.

“Well. Remember it. Come back here same time tomorrow to pick up the medicine too. We’ll talk a little more too.”

You didn’t move, too shook that someone cared about you enough to do this.

“I’m sorry” you whispered. Tears gathered in your eyes again.

“Why?” Law seemed bewildered at the idea.

“I must’ve manipulated you somehow to care about me. To go through this… you don’t have to. It’s okay. I’ll be fine. I’ll live”

“I guarantee I am the last person on this ship you could manipulate” he said. Something warm and slightly heavy plopped on your head. A white hat brim entered your field of vision. You shrunk down further, starting to sob.

“You’re part of my crew, even temporarily. Even if I wasn’t your captain, I’m your doctor. You only told me the symptoms that you hide so well, not even saying at first that it was you who had it. How could you have manipulated me?”

He knelt in front of you, producing a tissue and handing it to you. He rested his hand on your head, securing his hat.

“If you see a good person who’s sick, would you help them if you could?” he asked gently. You nodded slightly, wiping the snot dripping from your nose.

“Then why wouldn’t I help you? You deserve basic human decency and respect, you know. Right now, you’re treating yourself worse than your enemies.” He said softly. Your sobs increased at his words. He sighed.

“C’mere.” He lifted you up bridal style and took your seat, holding you on his lap. You pushed him away.

“Hey. It’s okay. You’re not hurting me. You’re not manipulating me. I’m doing this of my own accord. When’s the last time you had a real hug like this?”

You shuddered in a breath, unable to speak through your sobs. His warm hand rubbed your back, and you let your head fall onto his shoulder.

“T-t-thank… you” you wailed.

“Always” he muttered.

--

“Are they okay?!” Shachi whisper-yelled as Law passed him the hallway with you cradled in his arms.

“They will be” he replied quietly. He didn’t want to disturb your tear-induced sleep. You looked peaceful, finally. He saw the pain in your eyes, the pain you had inflicted on yourself. Shachi nodded in understanding and continued on his way. Law carried you gently to your bunk and tucked you under the blankets. He removed his hat, knowing it would make you feel guilty if he let you sleep with it. Smoothing stray hair away from your face with his hand, he unthinkingly dropped a gentle kiss on your forehead. A light blush dusted his cheeks with the realization of what he’d done. He stood quickly and walked quietly from your sleeping form.

“Sleep well”

[sophieinwonderland]

I don’t even know how to respond more articulately to this person. You don’t have to answer my ask if you don’t have the spoons btw. So this person posted a TikTok in response to my previous comment to not invalidate people’s experiences on a pro endo video that that person put an anti comment in. Here’s the link:

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8GFtegk/

Here’s my reply but idk what to say really. I probably sound stupid. Plus I think someone mentioned you in the comments section there too.

I think this is a fine answer. Although I might have added that there are other sources that do confirm endogenic plurality. And even the DSM references it in the form of possession states.

Although if you want, I guess I could go into the video a bit more in-depth.

Actually, yeah, it sounds kind of fun! 😁

Let's get into it then!

Thank you for that! Although I'm confused why you think explaining this so we can understand involves a robot reading in a whispery demonic murder voice.

How are you defining a "system?"

If this is going to be a semantic argument about how endos aren't technically systems because "system" is a DID/OSDD word then I'll point out that endogenic systems have called themselves systems since the 90s. And Internal Family Systems therapy has been around since the 80s, referring to people having multiple autonomous parts of their personality. The word has always been pretty open, even in this context.

If you read closely within the DSM-5, you will find exemptions for spiritual plurality in the form of possession states.

I believe this exemption can be found in "carteria" D.

And remember that the DSM-5 isn't the only diagnostic handbook in the world and the ICD-11 states that you can experience multiple "distinct personality states" without a disorder. This is the same wording the ICD-11 uses to refer to alters.

And endogenic plurality was originally referred to as "natural multiplicity" which has existed since the 90s.

Additionally, Kluft speculated in 2001 that there could be a nonpathological endogenous forms of dissociative identity disorder.

Wait... commit what?

A felony?

Commit to marriage?

Just... commit in general? Don't leave me hanging!

Oh wait, you were going to throw out the S-word, right? "Don't say endogenic systems exist or some DID system might unalive themselves." 🙄

This is fearmongering BS and emotional manipulation.

DID systems aren't going to be "harass" because people acknowledge endogenic systems exist. These things have nothing to do with the other. People were fakeclaimed and harassed for being systems long before the internet was a thing, and there's no indication the presence of endogenic systems has contributed to this in any way.

Come on! I already showed you the ICD-11 and the quote from Kluft. I swear, it's like you're not even reading what I wrote. 😔

But sure. How about Eric Yarbrough, Distinguished Fellow of the American Psychiatric Association, in a book reviewed and published by the APA themselves?

Is that enough for you?

I could go on, but you did only ask for one. 🤷‍♀️

Actually, you know, as a bonus, I will just link to Varieties of tulpa Experiences. Written by a psychiatry professor at McGill University, and published by the highly-reputable Oxford University Press.

Repeatedly asserting something doesn't make it true.

This appears to be vaguely referencing the theory of structural dissociation.

Assuming it is, I'll point out that even the creators of this theory have stated that it may be possible for someone to have multiple self-conscious dissociated parts of the personality from things other than trauma. Such as in hypnosis and mediumship.

No. No it's not.

Didn't you imply that you had read the DSM-5 earlier? Because while trauma is highly associated with DID, trauma certainly isn't in the "carteria." Nor is it in the criteria either.

And while it does mention that studies have shown that upwards of 90% of DID cases are linked with trauma, there are no such statements made for studies into OSDD.

Please, tell me what culture is supposedly being appropriated by just believing in the very concept of mediumship and possession?

This is something that exists in nearly every single culture on the planet in some form or another. (Some positive, some negative.) Nobody owns it. And you can't just say literally all spiritual systems are appropriating a culture by virtue of being spiritual.

By that logic, you may as well say reality shifters are appropriating every culture that believed dreams would take you to other worlds.