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I’ve been running on 3-4 hours of sleep for the last few days because one of the cats has gotten it in his head that he has to scream at 5am every morning. Which is fine but I’m exhausted because it startles me awake and then I’m just in Fucked Up mode for hours.

Our villain.

Anyway it caught up to me this morning and I felt like I either had to go sleep or I’d die and had the most fucked up dream.

I don’t remember most of the beginning and it doesn’t really matter. But at some point my youngest niece appeared and we were walking down the street to go do something, and a car hits her. In the most dream logic way, it also doesn’t, it’s more like she slides under the front of a car and survives unscathed but I have to haul her out by a leash(???) she suddenly had on.

I should also note that this happened on the same dream!street that we’ve had these incredibly lucid dreams of before. Very often when we dream of this place, I’m lost and getting more and more panicky that I can’t find my way around. Pretty sure this was the first portion of my dream before my niece showed up.

I scooped her up, and started screaming at the driver until he sheepishly drove off. And then I realized anger was not the point, my niece should be, and I kept asking her if she was okay while trying to find her mom/my sister.

Eventually she told me that she’s “trying to find the words to express what happened” and to just walk around with her.

1. This would not be weird for my niece to say IRL because she is just that kind of kid. So at first I’m like, oh yeah okay that makes sense and I wake up.

2. I woke up shaking and still haven’t stopped despite trying to ground myself, vacuuming the basement, and trying to calm down.

I was making coffee and realized, oh that’s me. Oh that’s our youngest members. Oh they’re still trying to find words for what happened to them and when I’m focused on screaming insults at the perpetrators and not tending to their needs or hearing them, they shut down even more, even if I mean it protectively and care fiercely about them.

Oh. I can work on that though! It didn’t feel accusatory or shameful for once, it just… clicked.

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being a system is so funny like. oh something really shitty happened. well time to not know who i am for like a week lol!!!!!!

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am i being a little bitch about it or am i actually allowed to be hurt by that: a novel by me

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Oh this chapter in What My Bones Know about how she finally got fed up with not being taken seriously by doctors and found new ones willing to listen to her is giving me life today.

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Cleaning gets easier when you remember it's a thing you're doing to make your life less miserable, and not a thing you're doing as punishment

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you are not a wasteland you just need ibuprofen and a hot bath and a shower and a nutritious meal and some water and some fresh air and to do something productive and to do something creative and to do something that takes physical exertion and to do something social

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hi, a lot of you need a perspective reset

the average human lifespan globally is 70+ years

taking the threshold of adulthood as 18, you are likely to spend at least 52 years as a fully grown adult

at the age of 30 you have lived less than one quarter of your adult life (12/52 years)

'middle age' is typically considered to be between 45-65

it is extremely common to switch careers, start new relationships, emigrate, go to college for the first or second time, or make other life-changing decisions in middle age

it's wild that I even have to spell it out, but older adults (60+) still have social lives and hobbies and interests.

you can still date when you get old. you can still fuck. you can still learn new skills, fashionable, be competitive. you can still gossip, you can still travel, you can still read. you can still transition. you can still come out.

young doesn't mean peaked. you're inexperienced in your 20s! you're still learning and practicing! you're developing social skills and muscle memory that will last decades!

there are a million things to do in the world, and they don't vanish overnight because an imaginary number gets too big

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I can be shaped by more than the things that hurt me

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it killed you to grow up there, in the dark like that, with nothing but the bones of your childhood. they punished every version of you that wasn't a god. forced sainthood into saturdays and now when you're out in the sun, your hands shake. your breathing puffing into cold mornings, alone in your room, wondering how you could be so broken and yet never have anyone notice the break.

in the dream of that house, you sometimes remember meals and silence and long hallways and your hand cramping over your homework. you sometimes remember the yelling or the limegreen falsehood veneer your parents could construct in the presence of guests. mostly you remember the way time seeped through you, dripped onto everything, how the words it'll get better felt like an arrow through your chest.

you would lay in bed and hope for death with the same fantasy air as romance, picturing a glorious coffin. sometimes you'd picture a dramatic end or a tragic illness that would sweep you away. but mostly you pictured some kind of strange miracle; that you'd go to sleep and simply never have to deal with that again.

when you got out, you had to burn the atmosphere to escape. these days you reside on another planet entirely: one bright and full of lights and color and friends and spice and laughter.

and still sometimes when people say summer, you still remember the back deck. you still remember building a castle. you still remember the birds. when you lay yourself down at night - some part of you still whispers about catacombs, and the dark, and the bones.

some version of you is still resting in that tomb, after all. some version of you will always see the outline of that place and say that's where we used to call home.

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thinking too hard about the mistreatment i’ve endured for the sake of being loved.

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"what was your childhood like?" idk I wasn't there

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medically accurate muscle chart:

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[guy with the Cant Focus Disorder] why the fuck can't I focus

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One day you’ll sit in the sun and things won’t feel so bad

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