#they couldve been more to me than a friend.
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my captain
i seek a way through, but for that i have to turn around and face the path i walked down already; i have to face you.
i cup your cheek in my hand and whisper "i never got over you. you took another path and i never got the chance." you're silent. the wind is speaking more than you.
i seek a way out; i am holding you and crying for something i could have had, something i missed on my first pass through here.
it is dark now, i've continued walking. i feel your breath on the back of my neck, i see your face reflected in the puddles. i know missing you is pointless, i need a way through.
#author#my poetry is so sad#poems#poems and poetry#original poem#poet#poetic#poems and quotes#poetry#poets#poem#personal#writers#write#writing#readers#i miss norah more than i can express#they felt like home to me#they couldve been more to me than a friend.#i could have been more to them.
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it's always super weird when you find out someone you thought you vibed with doesn't actually like you that much and really just tolerated you.
maybe it's just a neurodivergent problem. maybe normal people can always tell.
i can never tell. you talk to me a lot about our many shared interests, we hang out a lot, I thought we had chemistry, I felt comfortable with you and you never seemed uncomfortable with me, and you never told me I upset you...
but I guess I'm the idiot for being an open book and always telling people if they've done something I don't like. and for being willing to have hard conversations about boundaries from time to time.
my bad.
#gonna start lying like the rest of you#ah yes let me pretend i like you#im starting to think these kinds of people are just too insecure to shut down a friendship#like you just need to have friends to the point where you tolerate my existence#even tho i am offensive to your sensibilities#like come on bro#thats sad#just dump me#it wont bother me#not everyone is capable of tolerating me#thats alright#but say something you pussy#stop wasting both our times#pretending to be my friend hurts you more than me#i have real friends#i dont need parasitic pseudo friends who just need to feel wanted#im done with that#i know what a real friend looks like#youre not it and im not it for you either#i couldve been if you were honest#but people are not honest with others or themselves and thats what i hate most about people
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tried drawing a wallpaper for myself :)
shadow alone below because i like how he looks more
#sonic the hedgehog#shadow the hedgehog#sth#my art#i surprisingly really like how shadow turned out#and yet at the same time i hate sonic lmao#there’s something about how he looks which bugs me because it doesn’t look right beside shadow#he just looks unfinished and i can’t think of what to add 😭#oh well#i got too tired to put more effort into it though and idk if i have the motivation to come back to this later#also i drew both of shadow’s inhibitor rings rather than him just losing one#yeah idk#sonic gives one to rouge but i like the idea of him having one to keep as well#I’ve seen other people with this headcanon too#i just think sonic deserves a memory of shadow too since he tried to save his life. maybe they couldve even been friends had shadow ‘lived’#but anyway whatever !!
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'rhm and wilhelm trying to hang out but their duties getting in the way so much so their relationship deteriorates throughout the months but in a way that makes them prone to jealousy of others getting to spend more time with the other and unable to figure out what the other even enjoys enough anynore as a gift' for tonight sir?
#big thoughts about the 2 of them#you jnow rhm isnt gonna leave reg alone as chief and sees him as priority#much to his dismay thanks to the guilt he feels for realizing he wants to prioritize reg at the cost of#barely seeing wilhelm again#he doesn't regret the duty but sure does wish there couldve been a way to see him more often. yknow.#like cmon him hanging out with wilhelm at the orion lounge.... off duty....#the fact reg knew he's out n about to spend time with friends now that they're in space and (mostly) safe... brahhh#safety = spending more time with other people than it just being rhm and reg all the time#they would be the couple who love the other's company but slowly have to realize that#the other may not always wanna be around since theyve got other people too#only natural ofc but it could get so warped with what rhm's duty and loyalty is focused on heeheeee#main trouble with a personal vow is that you have to sometimes sacrifice another precious thing#even if it means time with ur best friend at the cost of them not communicating much and feelings#getting complicated#WOW BIG LONG THOUGHTS. sorry im ill for them now#it is just so cute to me tbe thought that reg would like to provide more time to rhm eventually so he can get silly with wilhelm#as leaders they sure gotta focus work before relationships and i do love me the fics that showcase that between rhm and reg#and how complicated it can get trying to separate work and love#now for me to think the same-ish with rhm and wilhelm
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My Country: The New Age, first and last episodes & Hanif Abdurraqib, For The Dogs Who Barked At Me On The Sidewalks in Connecticut (text/audio) image descriptions in alt
#damn imagine if hui-jae was well written beyond like episode 7 or so. wouldnt that have been something.#just saying but if they had actually leaned into the parallels between these three instead of doing ... whatever weird comphet stuff we got#it couldve been so good!!!! or even if they had just let her keep her fun gender!! but no :(#im so glad hui-jae is busy being the occasional third in hwa-wol and mun-boks marriage while seonhwi raise goats in seo geoms village haha#anyway. enjoy yet another half assed post abt parallels and heartbreak in the parallels and heartbreak show <3#also do urself a favour and check out the whole poem hanif abdurraqibs writing is insane#my country: the new age#mctna#han hui-jae#nam seon-ho#seo hwi#caveweb#actually no i still have sth to say. like im not even mad that theres comphet im just angry its so bad like??? what was that#that wasnt even half assed that was like quarter assed at best#also the hui-jae / seon-ho axis is so tragically underused#like i respect that they just fully made them both hwisexual but couldnt we have at least gotten more than some crumbs#they went from vaguely friends to bitchy antagonists to i dont even think of u at all and thats honestly so lame#tension of a wet lettuce leaf. seon-ho was the one who made the first step towards friendship in ihwaru and he also warned her abt his dad#and wingmanned hwi (took hui-jae to see hwi kick ass) like in the beginning he was the one w the people skills!#and u are telling me apart from one extremely unbelievable attempt at a love triangle w the 'last drink' scene u never did anything w them?#like so much of my grief w this show hinges on the fact that there shouldve been more Good Times before everything went to shit#to make it hit harder bc imagine the beef if seon-ho and hui-jae had been actually good friends before he betrayed hwi#them seeing each other at court as the king and queens respective confidantes wouldve been so much better like !!!#wait actually i need to stop here i can feel myself getting hangry i need to eat lunch but imagine. imagine#the good timeline where hwi just got to be fully bisexual and there were more divorce flavours than just hwi/seon-ho and hwi/bang-won...#solarpunk_future.jpeg#nam seon ho#han hui jae#<- thats just bc i never fucking know what the consensus on the romanization of everyones names is#i personally go w the hyphenated method but lots of ppl write each syllable separate and ive seen the kpop variant (written tgt) used too
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weird ranting about fandom is done now lol i just care a lot abt jake as a queer character. hes mentally ill and traumatized and has brain damage and is most definitely also neurodivergent bc lets face it all HS characters are some kinda ND, and he makes terrible decisions and burries his head in the sand for months instead of talking to his own boyfriend bc intimacy is simply too new and overwhelming and hes GREAT. i wouldnt have this fucker any other way
#our t#the best thing about dirk and jakes relationship in hs1 is that a lot of their problems couldve been solved if they just bucked up#and talked to e/o#but theyre 16 and werent raised by. well. anyone. i mean jake was for a little bit but dirk had idk. seagulls. and robots. and then hal#but you see dirk being so more than willing to talk to jake like all the time but hes just left to have his messages pile up#which understandibly makes him feel like a clingy overwhelming monster when hes just..............**16** and really into#one of his best friends. and yes jake is dirks only option but you cannot ignore the fact that they *like* each other#jake likes dirk so much he made a whole new dirk that just lives in his brain#they like e/o so so so much. jake keeps calling dirk his boyfriend for pages and pages after dirk breaks up w/ him#and after being jerked around for so long by jake i dont blame him for giving up#meat!dirk's 'youll never hurt me again' in the epilogues is from a place of truth. jake DID hurt him. jake didnt have to ghost him#for that long. dirks clinginess scared jake which got them both hurt. both sides of this are extremely understandible and real#i dont think either of them did anything majorly wrong to e/o im ngl. its just being 16 and traumatized#<- reasons why i find the cannibalism dirkjake trend jarring and massively ooc#like if i want some HS cannibalism-as-metaphore for overwhelming attraction stuff my first thought is actually vrisrezi but okay
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pg really had THE wag jarebear on his show and proceeded to dish out all his personal onions on his teammates i 😭😭
#it's like watching someone try to therapize harley quinn off her love of the joker#pg does like. zero research 😭 im so#he just relies on his experience to help connect the interviews all interestin-like#but other than that u think hes gonna look into the PAST??? when it's not INTERESTING?? or CONNECTIONS??? no!!#that takes away from playstation 5 p!!!#if the podcast had a normal interviewer... i dont think 1 a lot of players would wanna come cus no duh no selling point#but 2. those that did would be bored#i mean normal interviewer as in like if pg didnt have the status and was just some dude who liked basketball sorry too late to edit#like he really banks on the fact that Hes Pg with alot of these questions/talking points 😭#that jalen green interview...#NOW I COULD BE ACTIN A LIL RUDE. my attention span isnt great so long videos arent my forte#i have SEEN seen em n certainly not ALL of the podcasts#i dont like listening to podcasts in general they scare me but#i watch a few while working out but thats sometimes bcs mainly i like music#BUT FROM WHAT IVE SEEN..#theres been some frequent disconnects that couldve been avoided with just a Little more depth#a Little more diving#good thing paul always has another podcast friend to help 😭 but pg LOOVES asking questions so#sometimes he just be chitchattin 😭#jarens eyes getting all wide when pg brought up d*llon LMAO#im ngl it's kinda entertaining LMAO only bcs it's for the better jarebear!! if pg thinks hes in the right (which he always does)#he WILL speak his perceived truth! they either hit hard or miss harder (..coughdameconflictcough) HE WILL NOT BUDGE!!#and he is actually correct with this one! someone had to say it jaren!! just sorry it had to be pg 😭#but if he pulled that with anyone else and their friend i would be a lot more uncomfortable lol idk#i love the concept of being messy but i could never commit like. i got other shit to do 😭 yall have fun
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MAC MAC. SORRY I GOTTA RANT IN UR INBOX I’M HAVING MAD AT GENLOSS THOUGHTS. BUT THAT POST ABT THE BACKROOMS/POOLROOMS AND UR TAGS ABT WHAT YOUTUBERS DID TO IT GOT ME THINKIN. THIS IS THE EXACT PROBLEM WITH GENLOSS. ranboo took an already potentially scary concept—the deterioration of something when it’s been recorded over and over again until it’s incomprehensible, which could have been really cool if he had done it as an analog horror and made it so reality itself was deteriorating around them—and just fuckin. put Ooh Spooky Scary things in it and completely botched the concept. the fuckinggg. hey heres a big scary corporation CLEARLY WATCHING THE CHARACTERS!! ISN’T THAT SOOO SCARY AAAA!!!1! and the wire monster. and the “twist” villain hetch. the deaths. like. do u know brian david gilbert’s video Teaching Jake About The Camcorder??? that’s similar to what i wanted from genloss. if genloss was like some old video or show LIKE A SITCOM!! OR A GAME SHOW!! OR A HOME VIDEO!!! and the first season was was like almost completely normal and the second one was like a replay of the same episodes but Just Slightly To The Left and it progressed until it turned into something horribly irreparably distorted THAT WOULD BE COOL. THAT’S WHAT I WANTED. AUGH. PAIN. backrooms 🤝 genloss: oooh spooky scary monster makes things scary right??? ok sry i’m done i just HADDD 2 RANT. OK BYE
GODDDDD NO WHISKEY COME BACK UR SO SO SO SO RIGHT. I THOUGHT ABOUT GENLOSS AS I WAS WRITI G THOSE TAGS. actualy i was really thinking about the charlie/tommy/ranboo youtube vids where they just say "we're in the backrooms!11!1!" over and over again. like. aughghghhhg. god. genloss rlly is just ooooo let me shove this spooky scary thing in your face with 0 subtlety. there u go i have made horror. like thats NOT HOW IT FUCKING WORKS.
#will NEVER be over asters reaction to the big red button. we were on call and we both fucking SCREAMED over it#HE PUT A BIG RED BUTTON . IN THE HORROR SHOW#like that same exact scene would have been improved just by making it like. a big handle flip switch or something.#even that would have been more subtle than. big red fucking button#aster has this whole genloss rewrite that lives in my brain now. like. we couldve had it all.#theres so much that could have been just like. minor tweaks that would have improved it so much#theres no subtlety. theres no buildup. it's just BAM SHOCK VALUE. wow wasnt that scary#no it wasnt.#i haaaated the fucking monster at the end so kuch. i hated it . it made me so angry#like yes on its own it was really cool. in a different series it wouldve been great#but it was just SO fucking out of nowhere no buildup whatsoever . and i was there fir like 2 goddamn seconds.#oh whiskey jm so mad about genloss again . holy shit. that shit fucking sucked. 0 redeemable qualities im an enormous hater.#everything he could have done wrong HE DID WRONG.#there are a lot of the concepts that are so cool on their own and could have been cool if they were made by someone competent#HE EVEN WASTED THE GODDAMN NAME#like the meaning behind the fucking name is so cool. and he did NOTHING with it. fuck im so angry#asks#friends!!!#anachronistic-falsehood
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heheh friends :)
#no seriously nothing like spending time and hanging out w friends alskdjfalskjh i feel so much joy#we were sending one of the other students off cuz he completed all his training and stuff so big celebration#it was a lot of fun honestly!! i really wanted to do a little get together so we could all just hang out#we also got ice cream after ;; v;; (they had weird flavors!!!! habby)#it was a nice time i guess i just needed to stop being a hermit in my depression LAKSJDAFLKSFH#friends tag#depression: nooooo you cant hang out w friends youre gonna be a bother!!!!! stooooop#today: :)#snow speaks#anyways its been a good night#except now i realize im like 20 x more of a nerd than i thought before#literally everyone else slacked off for this rotation and im out here stressing and anxious like T _ T yall couldve told me i couldve been#in on it alksdjfhalskjh yall....#and now. i have to make myself study. or attempt to#asdlafkjsdh basically! ride the high#but as soon as the shower happens im going nightnight#fuck around and play honkai some more ig LMAO
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yurikuma arashi is probably ikuhara's weakest work imo but i HAVE to give it credit for slapping the word yuri onto fucking everything
#im not saying its terrible btw its just. well its no utena or sarazanmai. but it does have a framed photo that says Yuri Friends#i too am ''yuri friends''#ik it means lily too ofc but something tells me they didnt mean it in the lily way idk#i think my biggest gripe w yurikuma though was the oversexualization. and ofc i KNOW that it was kind of the point#in some respects at least#but i think there can still be ways of portraying than in a more tactful way#like utena's approach was better i think. it didnt have to be like super in your face but still made it absolutely devastating#while in yurikuma's case its honestly hard to differentiate it from just actual fanservice. it doesnt seem distinct from it at all#so i feel like it couldve been more polished... less gauche?#i get what they were going for yeah but i also dont think you can brush of critique of it w just ''well its on purpose'' yknow?#maybe if they had more time to flesh it out it couldve worked. yurikuma felt a bit limited w its 12 episode run#unlike sarazanmai which absolutely nailed it w a short run#but i do think the payoff at the end was good. like the story of the forest girl and the sky girl (or something) breaking the barrier#that was pretty cool like it had some real stuff going for it too so its like. not unsalvageable lol
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it can be so fucking hard to be close to people who have very different understandings of time and respect than you.
#im just going to bitch in the notes so i can get it out of my system#it fucking hurts my feelings when my friends are significantly later than they said they would be#they are driving up and visiting me which i do appreciate#but its like. 95% of the time im the one meeting them wherever and whenever works for them#and theyd made it sound like theyd be coming hours ago and they werent#and finally got on the fucking road and their eta was 13 minutes ago and they still arent here#and its like. i get that they have their own lives and traffi and shit#but ive told them many times that it genuinely upsets me when this happens#to the point that if they werent already on the road id just tell them to fucking stay home#its the biggest stressor in our relationship and it seems like theyll get better for a bit after we talk about it#then it gets bad again#and it sucks because i was excited! and now im feeling bitter and upset and i either have to swallow it#or bring the mood down#and im sure they have more shit to do at home so its not like they'll be sticking around for a long time tomorrow#if they do i'll be shocked#but like. id thought of fun stuff we can do and im cool with not doing them but a better fucking heads up would be appreciated#i shouldnt have to ask 3 times to find out when youre coming#especially when i give a very long time between asking to not be a bother#and it just feels like they dont respect me or my time. i couldve done so much more this afternoon#but ive been here fucking waiting for them.#and i told them i was worried this shit would happen once i no longer lived right near them#and they said it wouldnt be a fucking problem. well guess what.#and i have had to defend them to my dad who i live with as well#and then this shit happens. it sucks#anyway. i thought they'd be here 2 hours ago.#whatever. nothing i can do about it now.#tree talks
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reading books is always me going wild at the possibility of how good the drama will be, then being baffled and let down by the lack of catharsis a half-page apology scene provides
#the EMOTIONS COULDVE BEEN SO GOOD!!! give me this scene and let me rewrite it i swear i’ll make it amazing#i hate quick apologies and quick forgiveness over something that.. would’ve required more than a simple apology#you let your friends make fun of me and call me a whore? you say there’s no point to you staying in the city even when we’re a couple?#no sorry there’s no easy apologies to let me forgive you#books need to stop shying away from strong emotions!!!#i don’t care if the character’s in the right—i’m reading this book for SOMETHING to happen so GIVE ME EMOTIONAL CATHARSIS!!!!#memorie.txt#.bookthoughts
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#wanna know the funniest thing to come from this?#i just realized that during the first relationship i wasnt really in love#or maybe it stopped or it somehow became just traumabonding somewhere along the way idk#but the first breakup wasnt this painful it really wasnt like this at all#sad for sure but nowhere near this amount of agony#but my mate was different i think he was the first i really truly fell in love with#this hurts more than anything else ive been through#all the shit ive been through all the endless abuse i grew up with and was put through all of my life#all the bruises and trauma and scars are nothing compared to the agonizing devistating gaping pain spreading through me rn#i want my mate back i want this to fuckig end i desperately want to die just to escape all of this#the horrible realization that the anxiety and paranoia were fucking right and not just some bpd fuelled worries#that him calling himself aro maybe WAS a warning of this happening after all and i shouldnt have trusted when he said im his exception#the fear that hes going to slowly leave just like the first one did because tbh its unavoidable and understandable#this pain that just wont stop and will never stop because why the hell would it stop im losing my best friend and love of my life#we couldve worked through it if he just didnt give up why did he give up why didnt he want to try literally anything else before this why#he gave up so i probably should too but idk how idk why i cant just fucking give up like he did whats wrong with me#why did this one have to be so much more painful than the previous one even if hes swearing to stay? was everything just lies after all?why
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I miss my sister... we used to be so close
#yeah so slowly losing every family member i had one by one over the course of 20 years might have hurt more than i let on actually#i dont really miss the rest of my family in the same sense. its more just like a painful longing for the people I know they couldve been#and for the love i felt for them even when they were not kind to me#i dont miss my parents but i miss loving them yknow? i miss the illusions of family and affection i once had#my sister was different though. she was my best friend for years#she was there for me in ways no one else could have been#and yet... she still couldnt be enough for me
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to anyone watching the james somerton situation and going "well how DO you write your own things like this then? everyone's talking about how /not/ to but i dont know where to start, the way highschool taught me essay writing was all about the number of sentences in a paragraph and mla citations :("
you know how james made things up between his """sources""" that sounded just plausible enough that people accepted it? he did it in the wrong order, do that part first THEN research. 100% serious right now, just make some shit up in your head that sounds vaguely right based on what you know now, write it down, and then go check if you're actually right or not. boom, now you have a topic. thats literally all it is, its just you saying "i think (xyz)" and then checking to see if the facts agree with you or not. if you turn out to be right, talk about what lead you to the conclusion initially and anything you learned about that you didn't predict. if you turn out to be wrong, talk about the right answer and examine why you thought differently at first. then either way talk about how things got that way, if you think it should stay like that, and why (e.g. how does it being that way effect people right now). tada suddenly you have an essay that is unplagiarized and entirely your own thoughts, with a plethora of sources on hand to cite because That's What You Used To Check. now be free your beautiful doves
#obviously its not actually that easy but thats how it tends to feel after the fact KENFKSBFKBSKFBDJ#like presumably the reason youre writing it is because youre excited about the topic right? so show other people what was#so exciting about it to you#if the research made you go 'no way no way no way this is insane' freak out about it onto the page#(esp if youre aiming for youtube‚ obv if youre actually doing professional writing dont make it Too Out There but still keep the energy)#act like youre showing a friend and you also want them to go no way no way no way this is insane#thats the frustrating part abt james is its like. you can tell he kind of does have a bit of that deep down#like the 'current body standards come from nazis' thing just Stated like that is absolutely misinformation#but '/do/ current body standards come from nazis' is a topic i could see absolutely being a thing#like with 0 context it sounds plausible enough on its own‚ they had weird body standards and we have weird body standards#and its not like there arent other things at the very least america decided to keep around from them and i imagine canada#wasnt much better given all ive heard abt their history#so its like james that couldve been your discussion topic!! that couldve been your thesis you couldve explored that!!!!#you could've said 'i think these standards come from here and here's why' and broken it down and drawn connections to show people why you#think that!!!!!#but no he just horks it up into the filler without a thought and moves on with his day#sorry just rewatching the todd video and the podcaster at the start refers to it at james 'making the connection' between#those things and it just struck me like. huh yeah misinformation and theorizing are only really separated by#putting a question mark at the end sometimes#obv its way more nuanced than that in general but with one isolated statement like that you can see how thin#that tipping point is#and that just makes it 1000x more frustrating bc it's like you were so close! you were so close to coming up with an interesting#question to ask and perspective to offer!!! and then you just DODGED AROUND IT doing basically the same amount of work anyways?#in pursuit of laziness???????????#absolutely mystifying#ah apologies the podcaster says 'does the cultural connection' but same diff#and it was modern fitness culture not body image standards in general#theres been a lot of info going thru my brain recently phrasing details get lost in the weeds sometimes kwbfkshfksh#james somerton#hbomberguy
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I guess Im sad again
#Im sad that I have to emotionally distance from her#I have to keep pretending to be friends because I think she needs someone to be there for her#Im sure shed be insulted knowing I want to cut her off but that I Refuse To#What else am I supposed to do#He cant handle honesty#Leaving would destroy them#And its funny that the roles used to be reversed before I came around#How could you ever be as bad as I was?#I also dont want to leave because Im afraid shed try to harm me or my reputation#Im so sad I wish we couldve been more than this. I wish we couldve been at least friends#I still love her
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